n^vrr****

ll

BAYFIELD BEQUEST.

DIVERSITY OF
1*

CAUFO**
iAN DIEGO

EPIGRAMS, ANCIENT AND

MODERN.

EPIGRAMS, ANCIENT AND

MODERN

HUMOROUS, WITTY, SATIRICAL,

MORAL, PANEGYRICAL,

MONUMENTAL.
'

..'

EDITED,

.'*

WITH AN INTRODUCTORY PREFACE,

BY THE

REV.

JOHN BOOTH,

B.A.

CAMBRIDGE.

LONDON:
LONGMAN, GREEN, LONGMAN, ROBERTS,

AND GREEN.
1863.

TO

WILLIAM ROBINSON,

Esq.

THE PARK, CHELTENHAM,

IN

ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF THE MANY ACTS OF KINDNESS

THAT HAVE MARKED A FRIENDSHIP EXTENDING
OVER THIRTY-FIVE YEARS,

THIS COLLECTION OF EPIGRAMS

IS

GRATEFULLY DEDICATED BY

THE EDITOR.

PREFACE.
"

OMNE

epigramma

Sint fua mella,

"

fit

fit

inftar apis,

fit

aculeus

illi,

et corporis exigui."

AN Epigram

mould

be, if right,

Short, fimple, pointed, keen, and bright,

A lively

little

thing

Like wafp with taper body

By

lines

not

many

bound

neat and round,

All ending in a fting."

'ROM

the prefent popular ufe of the

word Epigram, we
perfect idea of what

ally

get but an im-

the

Greeks

in-

tended that term to exprefs. Literfpeaking, it means an Infcription^ and was

employed by that people to indicate the eulogy

which they ufually infcribed upon their temples,

From the very

ftatues, monuments, or trophies.
nature of the materials upon which fuch eulogies
had to be engraven, the words, of neceflity, were
required

to be few.

were intended

And, inafmuch as they

and awaken the

to catch the eye,

PREFACE.

vi

attention of every pafler-by, fimplicity and point

were aimed

at in their conftruftion.

of time

this fpecies

haps, at

firft

character, or

In courfe

of compofition, which, perwas reftri&ed to record the name,

fome

ftriking action, of the deceafed,

had a more extenfive

fignification,

and was ap-

by that remarkable people to every occafion

and fubje6t. Whilft Greece was yet in her in-

plied

fancy, her epigrams

her

earlieft

hiftory, the

honoured dead.
writers with

were the

all

They

fole

fole

vehicles of

memorials of her

are appealed to by later

the confidence that fure indif-

putable teftimony

is

calculated to infpire.

They

ferve to chronicle each great event that interefted

the people, whether of a foreign or domeftic

character.
Thus the hiftory of an epoch is

fometimes contained in a few diftiches, which

are eafily remembered, and referred to without
trouble.

The Greek

epigrams that have come down

to us from upwards of fifty of their authors,
are diftinguifhed for grandeur and noblenefs of

fentiment, and for the chafte, elegant language

in which they are exprefled.
Fine thoughts,
in
natural
and
beautiful
attire, are
conveyed
to the

ample

man

of refined and cultivated

tafte

an

equivalent for the fatire, or the wit, that

PREFACE,

vii

modern

are regarded as eflential ingredients in a

epigram.

And we

mind

all

that

ought, moreover, to bear in

that has come down to us from

that early period are but fragmentary productions

of their

lyric bards,

gauge of the

marked

fait

and can furnifh but

forry

their higheft efforts in this particular di-

rection.

people fo eminent in literature and

in the fine arts, as difplayed in thofe

and which are

that remain,

"

and the fmartnefs that may have

"

ftill

monuments

the confefled

judgment of the
moft polimed nations of modern times, would
not, we may juftly conclude, have been inferior
ftandard of excellence

to any writers

who came

in the

after

them

in that kind

of compofition for which they have been confidered by the French wits infipid and defective.

With

the exception of Martial,

we

have no

one amongft the Romans of any great reputation

as a writer of epigrams.

Catullus has

fome few which have been

praifed for their fim-

plicity

and delicacy of expreffion, and

left

us

for their

of the patterns of the Greeks ;

for thefe reafons, have obtained

clofe imitation

and which,

amongft good

critics

great

praife

and favour;

but his poems generally are juftly reprobated for

the vile, indecent thoughts that lie beneath this
pretty outfide covering

and which render

his

PREFACE.

viii

verfes

unwholefome

tranflation.

There

to read, and totally unfit for

is

no

originality, but

much

of obfcenity, in the epigrams of Aufonius ; and

his reputation is of as little account as his verfiMartial, on the contrary, has

fication.

vaft

number of epigrams, the

left

us a

creations of his

own

fertile imagination.
Many of thefe refer to
odious vices which, in his time, were common,

and perhaps then

little

condemned

but which

modern days are unfit to be mentioned. In a

confiderable number of them he endeavours to

in

give point to the

laft line

two

or

and in fome

he fucceeds in exciting our admiration at his

power of ridicule, wit,

irony, fagacity, good fenfe,

and knowledge of the world

are not always juft, his

upon

affectation, whilft

but his thoughts

often borders

humour

his adulation

the moft execrable of the

of one of

Roman Emperors

is

perfectly naufeating, and makes one blum at the

thought of the depths of moral depravity into

which our nature can defcend.

own

In our

epigram

is

day, and in our own language, an

underftood to mean a poem diftin-

guifhed for its point y elegance, and brevity

confined to one principal thought or fubjecl:
fo briefly

and pointedly exprefled,

forcible, or lafting, impreffion

and

and

as to leave a

on the mind.

PREFACE.

ix

facetious application of an old proverb, or of

fome well-known paffage of

hiftory, or of ancient

mythology, or the lucky application of a motto

from a claflical or modern author, are fome of
the requirements looked for in a

modern epigram.

If one ftriking thought be uniformly purfued to

a point through the entire

poem,

it

may

juftly,

we

think, be confidered as an epigram, though it

be of confiderable length. Harmony and fmoothnefs of verification are effentially neceffary to

its

In a word, the moderns feem to follow

Romans, and are not fatisfied if an epigram

fuccefs.

the

does not contain flinging perfonal fatire, humour,

or wit, fo pointed as to create furprife or pleafure

mind of the

in the

reader.

No

one can doubt that the epigram may be

turned to an admirable ufe in correcting offences
againft

good

fenfe

and good manners, by

ridi-

vanity, pride, arrogance, impertinence,

affe&ation, or vulgarity of behaviour ; but it has

culing

altogether parted

its

legitimate bounds,

when

its

or point

is

aimed

anything that

is

ftamped with the Divine ap-

fatire

at natural defects, or at

proval.

The

collection of epigrams

now

offered

to

the public, confifts of tranflations of a confiderable

number of

thofe contained in the

Greek Antho-

PREFACE.

logy, and of Latin authors, ancient and

It alfo

modern.*

embraces moft of thofe which were written

own eminent poets who, though

much of their attention to this

by our
voting

writing,

ftill

not dekind of

amufed and occupied themfelves now

and then with fuch compofitions

feemingly ex-

by fome palling event, or fingular eccentric

perfon, who may have perhaps caufed offence,

cited

rife to
merry thoughts. Selections have
been made from periodical and ephemeral publi-

or given

cations of

"

the olden time," or of recent date,

which fuch morceaux piquants were

in

be found.

Englim

verfions of

Spanifh, and Italian authors

likely to

German, French,

who have

their fancies in fuch witty conceits,

indulged

have received

the attention they juftly merited ; and from fuch

fources many have been included in the work.

The

reader, too, will find

are not to be
mifcellany.

when

met with

in

fome epigrams which

any printed book or

few fcanty notes have been added,

abfolutely neceflary.

* Sufficient
references,

it

is

hoped, have been given to

afford eveiy facility to the claffical reader to confult the

original text.

To

have fupplemented

Ihould be confidered, to the

fuch

it

tent,

would have added confiderably

lication,

the

work

this deficiency, if

fulleft practicable

to the expenfe

ex-

of pub-

without neceflarily increafing the popularity of

as a gofliping handbook.

PREFACE.

With

xi

and omiflions, the Editor

hopes that as the taftes and underftandings of
men vary as much as their faces, there will be
all

its

faults

found in the work materials enough to occupy

and enliven the vacant hour, and, it may be, help
to

"

drive dull care

The

away."

part devoted to

Monumental Epigrams

muft be admitted, fome epitaphs that

are not ftri&ly fpeaking of an epigrammatic nacontains,

it

ture; but whilft the Editor allows that fuch

the cafe, he hopes that, as

many

is

of thefe are

quaint and fingularly exprefled, and may not yet

have found a place in the works of thofe who

have been "gleaners" and publimers of epitaphs,

they will, though failing in thofe chara&eriftics
expected in epigrams, afford pleafure and amufe-

ment

in their perufal.

Bromyard, January, 1863.

INDEX OF AUTHORS.
DDISON,

6,

205,239,256.
Agathias, from
the Greek of,
208.

Aldrich, 7.
Antipater of Sidon, from
the Greek of, 225, 229.
Arabic, from the, 139.
Archias, from the Greek
of, 212.

Atterbury, 56, 296.

Auftin, 73.
Aytoun's Bothwell,
217.

ai6,

Burns,

55, 67, 305, 306,

343, 344Butler, Sam., 89, 90, 91.
Byron, Lord, 18, 61, 165,

180,204, 268,303,337.

CAILLY,
French

DE,

from

the

of, 151.

from
the
Greek of, 228.
Camden's Remains, 310.
Callimachus,

Campbell, Lord, from Lives

ofthe Chancellors, 85, 242.
Canning, 42, 108.
Catullus, from, 179.
Chaucer, 234, 251.
Chefterfield, 258.

BARBOUR,

211.

Chreftoleros,

Barrington, 19.
Bland, 330.
Boileau, from, 7, 34.7.
Booker, Luke, 244.
Bourne, Vincent, from the
Latin of, 225, 229, 231,
272.
Brougham, Lord, 342.

Browne, Sir William, 21.

Brun, Le, from the French
of, 157.

Buchanan, from, 65,

83,98.
Burn, 17.

75,

lib.

iv.

by

T.B.,

99.
Churchill, 55, 56, 175, 249,

267, 268, 269, 270, 271,

Clarke, 54.
Coleridge, S. T., u, 97,
163.
Coleridge, Hartley, 315.
Corbet, Bifhop, 317.
Cowley, from, 317.
Cowper, 18, 26, 57, 83, 89,
91, 96, 198, 207, 220,
221, 222, 224, 227, 229,
230, 251, l6o, 26l, 262,
296.

INDEX OF AUTHORS.

XIV

Crabbe, 262.
Croker, T. W., 190.

Guichard, imitated from

the French of, 146.

DENHAM,

HACKETT,

255.
Dibdin, 254., 259.
Doddridge, Dr., 184.
Dryden, 94, 208, 220, 250,
252, 306.

EDGCUMBE,

Lord, 28.

Elliot, Eb., 30.

from

Epicharmus,

Greek

the

176.
Halifax, Earl of, 289.
Harrington, Sir J., 183.
Hay, 215.
Hayley, 319.

Heber, 81.
Hedylus, 213.
Henly, 250.
Herbert, George, 212, 266,
328.
Herrick, 173.

251.
Erfkine, 8, 13, 143, 188.
of,

Hill,

Aaron, 185.

Hoadley, 51, 58.

FAWKES,

333.

Fitzpatrick, General, 101.

Flood, Sir Frederic, 134.

Fox, C. J., 82, 193.

French, from the, 133, 139,
14-7^

1 52> 3

10 -

Furetiere, from the French

of, 156.

Hodgfon, 329, 330, 331.

Hone's Works, from, 265.
Hood, Thomas, 166, 167.
Hook, Theodore, 42, 43,
197.

Home,

Bifhop, 225.

JEKYLL,

124, 125.
Jenner, Dr., 107.

300,

Ingoldfby Legends, by the

Author of, 74, 123, 262.

637,70,223,242,247,297.
Greek, from the, 7, 15, 22,

Johnfon, Dr., 30, 217, 246,

249, 305.
Jonfon, Ben, 171,249,297.
Ifiodorus, from the Greek

GARRICK, D., 80,250,

319.

23, 24, 26, 31, 103, 105,

145, 148, 152, 156, 209,

211,
229,
260,
299,

213, 215, 220, 222,

231,245, 250, 251,
280, 284, 286, 288,

295.

i47

from the, 131, 140,

if 1 , '78.

Julianus, from
of, 227.

300, 329.

German, from

of,

Italian,

the, 62.

the

Greek

Godelin, from the French

LAMB,

of, 259.

Goldfmith,6, 206, 260, 303,

3*3, 3*5,

Gombauld,
French

from

Groves, 92.

W.

S.,

115, 167,

168.

3 Z 9-

of, 149.

Charles, 164.

Landor,

the

Lanfdowne, Lord, 238.

Latin, from the, 66, 148.
Leader, the, 171.

INDEX OF AUTHORS.
Lennox, Lord W., in.
Leonidas, from the Greek
307, 331Lefling, from the
f>

151,

145,

of,

German

from the Greek

Luttrell, 287.

from

MALHERBE,
French

of,

the

258.

Mandeville, B.,
Manfell, 78.

M.D.,

324.

Martial, 3,5,16,24,26,29,
37, 38,41, 5 I 53, 62 74,
100, 150, 178, 181, 183,
215, 282.

Martin, Theodore, 179.

Marvel, Andrew, 6.

Mafon, 325.
Maffinger, 218.

89, 101, 102, 123,

153, 197,257, 3*4, 328.
Nugent, Earl, 7.

46.

Meleager, parodied from the

Greek of, 267.
Merivale, 264.
Merrick, 237.
Montgomery, James, 255.
Moore, 152, 164, 167, 257,
304, 345Sir

238.

Old Humphrey, 314.

Owen, from the Latin of,
46, 52,96, 147,188,207,
226, 227, 264.

PALLADAS of

Alexandria,
from, 207.
Pananti, from the Italian of,
282.
Pafehafius, from, 128.
Philemon, from the Greek
of,

265.

Philo, from the

208.
Pillet,

Fabian,

French

Greek

of,

from

the

of, 137.

Pindar, Peter, 45, 105, 129,

343Pitt, Earl of Chatham, 316.
Plato, from the Greek of,
105, 218, 267, 330.

Melanfthon, from the Latin

More,

88,

OLDHAM,

160.

of,

Notes and Queries, 81, 87,

157, 159,

Lewis, the dramatift, 29.

Lindl'ay, 248.
Longfellow, 312.
Lucian, from the Greek of,
n, 203, 231.
Lucillius,
of, ii.

xv

Thomas,

134,

Pope, 5, 45, 122, 141, 158,

176,205, 216, 232, 237,
238, 254, 260, 290, 305,
317.

Porfon, 16, 98, 108, 128,

153, 343Prior, 7, 14, 59, 160, 162,
204, 303, 326, 351.
Punch, 12, 77, 78, in, 112,
113, 114, 115, 346.

206.

REBOLLEDO,

NAPLETON, Rev. J.

C., 91,

329.
Nicarchus, from the Greek
of,

n.

Spanim
Religio
339-

from

the

of, 132.

Clerici,

Relph, 87.

from

the,

XVI

INDEX OF AUTHORS.
Sneyd, 55.
Solon, from the Greek of,

Rochefter, 13, 52, 169.

Rogers, 17, 43.

233-

Rolt, 297.

Rofe, Sir George, 42, 104,

121, 122.
Roufleau, from the French
of, 145.

Rowan, A.R.,D.D.,
SANNAZARIUS,

266,

Spanim, from the, 280,

S. B., 186.

Scott, Sir Walter, 241, 254,

300.
French of,
Senece, from the
149.
Shakfpeare, 230, 252, 253,
3*3. 3 l8 Shenftone, 295.
Sheridan, 72, 17 5Shuttleworth, 266.
Simmias, from the Greek
of, 309.

Smith, Horace, 102.

Smith, James, 42.
Smith, Sidney, 166.

1 1

Steele, 246.

Swift, 4, 5, 15, 24,

34>4 6

>

47, 53. 54. 5 8 >75.76,77

89, 96, 161, 312, 313,
316, 320, 330.

56.

Savage, 253.
Saxe, J. G., 169, 170.

Spenfer, 210, 254.

TARLETON,

216.

Thackeray, 116, 117, 118.

Times, The, from, 265.
Trapp, Dr., 21.

Greek
Tymnaeus, from the
Of, 222.

an.

VOLTAIRE,

140,

WALCOTT,

Dr. 33.

Watts, 239.
Wefley, John, 269.
White, Kirke, 27.
Wither, George, 235.
Wright, J. H. C., 172.

YOUNG,

Dr., 77, 240, zg 9

CONTENTS.
PART

I.

Page

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS

PART

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS

201

II.

MORAL AND PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS

PART

III.

293

ERRATA.
5, line 25,

Page

"

t?'
02,

"

12,

75>
73j
178,
151,
183,
190,

3>

By

read Frew.
read X^//.

r Italian

19, for Urbes read Ur/es.

Z,/^. /;'. read
Martial, lib. ii.
ii } for i/i. ;/;. read
Martial, lib. Hi.
21, for i;A.
read Martial,

25, for

*.

18,
>j

218,
2 75 5
2 7S

334

For read In.

n ^ert not after mourn

for
'

for

2 4j f

20 5)

*'

j>
5J

lib. xii

omltT.fr.Crofa.

2, for that read

w^.

Author uncertain

24, omit of zfar fabric.

I7> for ^a^ read band.
J8, for band read hand.
26, for hallo rez& Mlo.
ij for Suthland read Sutherland.

PART

I.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

PART

I.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND SATIRICAL

EPIGRAMS.
On

the Fading of Sir Jojhua Reynolds' s Colours.

3E art of painting was at firft defign'd

To bring the dead, our anceftors, to mind
But

this

And made the

pifture die before the

man.

Gaining a Lofs.
OFFER love, but thou refpeft wilt have :
Take, Sextus, all thy pride and folly crave
I

But know

can be no man's friend andjlave.

MARTIAL.
Joknfon's Definitions incorreft.

IN the dictionary of words, as our Johnfon affirms,

Purfe and Budget are nearly fynonymous terms
But perhaps upon earth there's no contrail fo great
;

As Budget and Purfe

The
For

in the dictionary of ftate

minifter's language all language reverfes,

filling his

Budget

fame painter has reverfed the plan,

is

empt'ing our Purfes.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

A Prudent Choice.
WHEN

Lovelefs married

Whofe beauty was

" I chofe her,"

fays he,

Not

Lady Jenny,
penny ;
" like old

the ready

plate,

for the fafliion, but the weight."

On

WHEN

Tadloe

" God

blefs

a Fat Doftor.

treads the ftreets, the paviers cry,

you, Sir !" and lay their rammers by.

Woman's

MAN

Influence.

man

not always can prevail

flattering
But woman flattering man can never fail.

You

beat your pate, and fancy wit will come,

Knock

as

you

pleafe, there's

nobody

at

home.

SWIFT.

The

THREE

years in

Yet not the

cannot

The

London Bobadil had been,

lions

tell

Incurious.

nor the tombs had feen

the caufe without a fmile

rogue had been in Newgate

all

the while.

Light-fingered Jack.

JACK,

For

thinks

all

his

own

taken in the faft

fteal

ah

that once he handles,

pound of candles,

praftice-fake purloin'd a

Was

To

who

thoughtlefs wight

fuch things as needs muft come to light.

To a Spendthrift
His whole

difinherited.

thy father, by his will,

Gave to the poor thou haft good title ftill.
eftate,

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Treafon.

TREASON does never profper

Why, when

it

what's the reafon

profpers, none dare call

On One who made Long

FRIEND

for

it

treafon.

Epitaphs.

your epitaphs I'm grieved,

Where flill fo much is laid ;

One half will never be believed,
The other never read.
POPE.

On One who

expended his Fortune in Horfe-racing.

JACK ran fo long, and ran fo fart,

No wonder he ran out at laft ;

He
He

ran in debt; and then, to pay,

diftanced all
and ran away.

The Duke and

the

Dean.

JAMES BRIDGES and the Dean had long been friends

James is be-duked, and fo their friendfhip ends ;

And fure the Dean deferves a fharp rebuke,

From knowing James, to boaft he knows the Duke.
SWIFT.

To Mrs. Mutable.

WHAT

though for beauty you may bear the bell ;

Yet, ever to ring changes founds not well.

The Humourift s from Martial.

FOR

all

Hart

fo

thy humours, whether grave or mellow,

Thou'rt fuch a touchy, tefty, pleafant fellow ;

There

much
is

wit, and mirth, and fpleen about thee,

no living with thee nor without thee.

ADDISON.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

From Martial.

THY

beard and head are of a different dye

Short of one foot, diftorted in an eye ;

With all thefe tokens of a knave complete,
Should'ft thou be honeft, thou'rt a devilifti cheat.

ADDISON.

On

Charles the Second.

OF a tall ftature and a fable hue,

Much like the fon of Kifh, that lofty Jew
Ten years of need he fuffer'd in exile,
And

kept his father's

afles all the

while.

ANDREW MARVEL.

A Milk
" Are
good

folk very clean

Enquired a

"Clean

come down,

even wafh their milk with water."

On
at a

up town?"

ruftic o'er his porter

!" cried a cockney, juft

"They

ONCE,

and Water Epigram.

a painted Lady.

mafquerade, a painted

fair

Was wandering o'er the rooms in piteous cafe

" I've loft
my inaflc," fhe cried, with mournful air
" No," faid a friend, "
have it on
face."
;

you

The Clown's

your

Reply.

JOHN TROTT was defired by two witty Peers

To tell them the reafon why afles had ears.
" An't
"I'm not

given to letters,
pleafe you," quoth John,
dare I prefume to know more than my betters ;
Howe'er from this time I fhall ne'er fee your graces,
As I hope to be faved, without thinking on afles."

Nor

GOLDSMITH.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

a battered Beauty.

HAIR, wax, rouge, honey,

A
A

multifarious ftore

mafk

at

once would

Nor would

it

teeth,

you buy,

all

fupply,

you more.

coft

Five Reafons for Drinking.

IF on

my

There

theme

I rightly

are five reafons

think,

why men

drink

Good wine, a friend, becaufe I'm

Or left I mould be by-and-bye,
Or any other reafon why.

dry,

ALDRICH.

From

You

fay,

Boileau.

without reward or

fee,

Your uncle cured me of a dangerous

he never did prefcribe for me
proof is plain, I'm living ftill.

I fay,

The

ill

The changed Lover ; from the Greek.

I

LOVED thee beautiful and kind,

And
So

plighted an eternal vow ;

thy face and mind,

alter'd are

'Twere perjury

to love thee

now.

EARL NUGENT.

The Debt

To

To

publifh

difcharged.

owed

great obligation
John
But John unhappily thought fit
it

Sure John and

to all the nation

I are

more than

quit.

PRIOR.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

On

OH
Oh

The

Moore's Tranjlation of Anacreon.

mourn

for

weep not
lyre

ftill

Anacreon dead

for

Anacreon

fled

breathes he touch'd before,

For we have one Anacreon Moore.

ERSKINE.

Monkijh Rhyme.

DAEMON languebat, monachus bonus efle

Sed cum convaluit, manet ut ante fuit.

When
When

the devil was fick, the devil a

the devil got well, the devil a

A
SAYS the earth

What you

fteal

volebat

monk would be
monk was he.

Pbilofopbical Epigram.

to the

moon,

from the fun

" You're
is

a pilfering jade
beyond all belief!"

Fair Cynthia replies, " Madam earth, hold your prate

The receiver is always as bad as the thief."

On

Death.

ON
No

Death, though wit is oft difplay'd,

epigram could e'er be made ;
Poets flop fhort, and lofe their breath,

When
On

coming

to the point

of Death.

an Oxford Toaft with fne Eyes and a loud Voice.

LUCETTA'S charms our hearts furprife

At once with love and wonder ;

She bears Jove's lightnings in her

But in her voice his thunder.

eyes,

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

Dr. Manners Sultan's Tranjlation to the See of

Canterbury, on the Death of Moore.

WHAT fay you ? the

A lofs indeed Oh
!

Pray God
But

if

On

his

head
!

his equal find,

can you wifh for Moore?

a Part of St. Mary's Church at Oxford being

converted into a Law School.

truft

Law

Which

me,

may

rail at

the

Pope

as

you

pleafe,

that miracles never will ceafe.

an event that no mortal fufpefted

See here

That

on

his bleffings

Manners you

YES, yes, you

But,

Archbifhop's dead
!

pour
with fuch a heart and mind

How

See

and Divinity clofely connefted!

proves the old proverb, long reckon'd fo odd,

Church the fartheft from God.

the neareft the

On Mr.

Sbeepjbanks, a Tutor of Jefus College,

word Satire " Satyr."

Cam-

bridge, Jpelling the

THE

Satyrs of old

were Satyrs of note,

They'd the head of a man and the fhanks of a goat

But the Satyrs of Jefus all Satyrs furpafs,
They've the fhanks of a fheep but the head of an

On

Bijhop Goodenough preaching before the

Houfe of Lords.

'Tis well enough that Goodenough

Before the Houfe mould preach

For fure enough, full bad enough

Were thofe he had to teach.

afs.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

io

The Bear and

the Bijbop.

WHEN

Byron was at Trinity,

Studying claffics and divinity,

He

kept a rugged Ruffian bear ;

bear would often fcratch and tear

Which

And
So much

dance and roar

fo, that

" Within

Said,

never

They

men

even

in the adjacent college,

the fphere of their

knew

own

knowledge,
!"

fo great a bore

Indeed the Matter, then a Bifhop, was

fo baited,

He

order'd that the beaft fhould quick be fold,

Or, if not fold, at leaft tranflated.

" What,"

faid

Send

No,

my
my

give

And

fay,

But

'twill

The poor

On

Lord Byron, " what does the Mafter

my

friend

away

fay

compliments to Dr. Manfell,

Bear I certainly can fell :

be very hard

for tell

him, Gyp,

thing's fitting for a fellowfhip."

Jekyll's nearly being thrown

down ly a very

fmall Pig.

As

his wig,
Jekyll walk'd out in his gown and
He happen'd to tread on a very fmall pig :

"

" or elfe I'm miftaken,

Pig of fcience," he faid,
art
an
thou
abridgment of Bacon."
furely

For

Smatterers in Knowledge,

ALL fmatterers are more brilk and

Than thofe that underftand an art
As

little

fparkles fhine

Than glowing

more

pert
;

bright

coals that give

them

light.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On
SWANS

a bad Singer.

'twere no bad thing

Should certain perfons die before they fing.
COLERIDGE.

On

fing before they die

Death of a good Pbyjtcians from the

the

Greek of Lucillius.

WHEN Magnus
Grim

fought the realms of night,

Pluto trembled for his right;

" That fellow

comes," he

To

my

call

ghofts to

From

DOCTOR fond of

Beneath

The
And

my

faid,

"

'tis

plain,

again."

the Greek of Lucian.

once agreed
care his fon fhould learn to read

lad foon
faid

life

letters

knew " Achilles' wrath" to fing,

" To Greece the direful

by heart,

fpring."

" 'Tis
quite enough, my dear," the parent faid,
" For too much
learning may confufe your head.
That wrath which hurls to Pluto's gloomy reign,

Go

tell

your tutor,

From

I can beft explain."

the Greek of Nicarcbus.

'Tis faid that certain death awaits

The
But

raven's nightly cry

at the

The

found of Cymon's voice

very ravens die.

" much to Colon's care,

Metius,
Once only feen, he chofe me for his heir."
"True, Metius, hence your fortunes take their rife,
"

OWE,"

fays

His heir you were not, had he feen you twice."

12

On
THOSE

the

Mahern

Waters.

waters, fo famed by the great Dr. Wall,

Confift in containing juft nothing at

all.

From the Seat of War.

GAETA'S defenders, 'twould feem, have a turn
For the tailoring craft ; for from Reuter we learn
foon as the news of an arm'ftice them reaches,

That,

as

They

all fet

On

to

work,

Sirs, repairing their breaches.

a Student of All- Souls' College being unjuftly fined.

" KNOWLEDGE is
power," fo faith the learned Bacon,
And fure in that the fage was not miftaken
:

But happy would it be for All Souls' College,

If, on the contrary, Power gave knowledge.

On

Cbeefe, Son-in-law ofVilliers, Bi/hop of

Durham,

receiving a Living of I35O/. a-year.

APOLLOS was mighty in doftrine, we're told,

When dodlrine was found in the good days of old
But there's dodlrine more mitey in Shaftefbury's fees,
For it's bred by corruption and comes from a Cbeefe.
PUNCH.
:

The Traveller and Clergyman.

C. I've

loft my portmanteau.
T. I pity your grief.
C. All my fermons are in it.

T. I pity the

A //iteration
'

thief.

on Cardinal Wolfey.

BEGOT by Butchers, but by Bimops bred,

How

high his

Honour

holds his haughty head.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

13

a Pfalm-Jinging Clerk.

STERNHOLD and Hopkins had

great qualms,

When they tranilated David's pfalms,

To make the heart full glad
:

But had

it

been poor David's

fate,

To

hear thee ling and them tranflate,

By Jove, 'twould have drove him mad.

ROCHESTER.

WOULDN'T

live for ever,

I wouldn't if I could

But

I needn't fret

For

I couldn't if I

On Mr.
" ALL

about

it,

would.

Hoyle, a very fat

Man.

flefh is grafs," the Pfalmift faith

If this be no miftake,

Whene'er

What

On

fat

Hoyle's

mown down

by death

loads of hay he'll make.

a Clergyman's Horfe biting him.

THE

fteed bit his mafter;

How

came

this to pais ?

He

heard the good paftor

" All flefh is
grafs."
Cry,

On Mr.
THIS

The

cafe

is

HuJbancTs Marriage.

the ftrangeft we've

known

hufband's a hufband, and fo

Keen

is

in

our

the wife.

Sight.

JACK his own merit fees this gives him pride,

For he fees more than all the world befide.
:

life,

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

14

Medical.

ONE
Said,

day the furveyor, with a figh and a groan,

" Doftor, I'm
dying of gravel and ftone :"

The Doftor replied, " This is

What kills a furveyor's a cure

A would-be

Benedick wrote as follows

Relative :

How

comes

That

U and

it this

to

till

replied:

cannot

it

Bs

after T.

The Converfe.
YES, every poet is a fool :
By demonftration Ned can

Happy

mow

it

could Ned's inverted rule

Prove every

fool to be a poet.

Marriage Griefs.

ON

his

death-bed poor Lubin

His fpoufe

With

in defpair

lies,

frequent fobs and mutual fighs,

They
"A

is

both exprefs their care.

different caufe," fays Parfon Sly,

"The

fame

Poor Lubin

His wife

effecl

may

fears that

that he

a Female

delightful weather,

can't dine together

To which Jhe

MY worthy Coz,
U cannot come

though odd,

true, then,

for a road."

give;

he mall

may

die,

live."

PRIOR.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

15

George the Third's Phyjicians.

THE

king employ'd three doftors daily,

Willis,

Heberden, and

All exceeding

Baillie,

men,
Heberden

fkilful

Baillie, Willis,

But doubtful which moil fure

Baillie,

to kill

is,

Heberden, or Willis.

On Philpot, the new Bijhop of Worcefler.

" A GOOD
appointment ? No, it's not,"
Said old beer-drinking Peter Watts ;
" At Worcefter one but hears
Phil-pot,

At generous

Exeter, Phil-pots."

From

MY

friend, an

the Greek.

eminent phyfician,

Trufted his fon to

my

tuition

The
The

me

to explain

father wifh'd

beauties of old

But fcarce

" Of

Homer's

ftrain.

youth had read,

thoufands number'd with the dead,
thefe lines the

Of ghaftly wounds and doling eyes,

Of broken limbs and heart-felt fighs"
" Great

fage," exclaims the youth,

My

can teach as well

lire

as

"

adieu

you."

Madrigal.

WHEN
It

may

two-fcore throats together fquall,

be called a Mad-rig-al.

SWIFT.

The Lafl Debt.

Poor Tom 's no more
great debt is paid.
Lafl debt! Tom never paid a debt before.

His

laft

i6

A
WHAT
Dull,

my

What's

Woman's Mind.

lighter than a feather

is

friend, in drieft weather.

lighter than the duft, I pray

The wind that wafts it far away.

What is lighter than the wind ?
The lightnefs of a woman's mind.
And what is lighter than the laft ?
Nay now, my friend, you have me
!

On

faft.

Twining, the Teaman.

Nature had curioufly plann'd

That men's names with their trades fhould agree

IT feems

as if

There's Twining, the Teaman, who lives in the Strand,

Would be whining, if robb'd of his T.

On

WHEN Dido
She wept

the Latin Gerunds.

mourn'd, ^Eneas would not come,

and was Di-Do-Dumb.

in filence,

PORSON.

From

HE

Martial.

call'd thee vicious, did

Thou

he? lying

elf!

art not vicious, thou art vice itfelf.

To a bad Fiddler.

Old Orpheus

play'd fb well, he

moved Old Nick,

Whilft thou mov'ft nothing but thy

On
THE
And

Talleyrand's Death

fiddle-flick.

and Promotion.

French Grand Chamberlain has cut

been appointed Premier

to

his ftick,

Old Nick.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

17

The Book-Worms.

THROUGH and

through the infpired leaves,

Ye maggots, make your windings

But, oh

And

refpeft his lordlhip's tafte,

fpare his golden bindings.

BURN.
Advice

OLD grumbling
Old England's

Mend

to

politicians cry,
bails ftands

they fay

this,

Grumblers.

awry ;
mend that, mend

Spare, fpare, good people, your concern

Let

this

Till

t'other.

Old England

you can

mow

ferve your turn,

usfucb another.

On Lord Ward, late Earl of Dudley, by Rogers.

WARD has no heart, they fay but I deny it
He has a heart, and gets his fpeeches by it.
:

THE
I

charming Mary has no mind, they

prove

me

has

it

fay,

changes every day.

The Creed of Poverty.

IN

politics if

And mean
Bear

thou wouldft mix,

thy fortunes be

mind, be deaf and blind,

Let great folks hear and fee.
this in

Women's Faults.

WE men have many faults, but women have but two,

There's nothing good they fay, and nothing good they do.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

The World.

THE

world

is

Mankind
Each

tugs

And

bundle of hay,

are the afles that pull,

a different way,

it

the greateft of

all is

John

Bull.

BYRON.

On

Charles Dickens, wbofe Firft

" Sketches

WHO

the dickens

Puzzled

by

" Boz" could be,

a learned elf

many

Work was

Boz."

Till time unveil'd the myftery,

And " Boz"

Dickens'
appear'd as

On

AN Album

book
to

Kept

By

You
By

an Album.

prithee

what

is it ?

I'm mown,
with others' wit

like this

be

fill'd

who

people
afk

felf.

have none.

me, Roger, what I gain

on a barren plain :

living

This

credit to the fpot

I live there

is

due,

without feeing you.

COWPER.

On Dr.

Lettfom.

IF any body comes to

I

phyfics, bleeds,

they like to die,

what care I, I Lettfom.

If, after that,

Why,

I,

and fweats 'em

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

19

Matrimonial Jars.
Wife. You're a

falfe

cruel wretch, not a year after

marriage

To

try to degrade

me, and put down the

carriage.

A lady,

Hujband.

Is

my

dear,

was the anfwering reproach,

known by her carnage, but not by her

coach.

Tranfported Convifts.

By

Barrington, the celebrated

Pickpocket.

TRUE

We
On

patriots

left

Sir

we

John

Hill,

profejfed

for be

underftood,

it

our country for our country's good.

who wrote

on all Subjefts,

P byfee and

and

Botany.

FOR

phyfic and farces, his equal there fcarce

His

farces are phyfic, his phyfic a farce

Lawyer's Declaration

the beft Fee, the Female.

FEE-SIMPLE and the fimplefee,

And

all

the fees in

tail,

Are nothing when compared with

Thou

beft

thee,

tffeesfe-male.

The Mujical

SOME

is,

is.

Conteft.

fay that Signer Bononcini,

to Handel, 's a mere ninny

Others aver, that to him Handel
Is fcarcely fit to hold a candle.

Compared

Strange, that fuch high difputes fhould be

'Twixt tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

20

How
NELL,

to

make a

tried for Healing linen,

Shift.

anfwer'd fwift,

Compell'd through want, (he did

Old Gould's Letter to a Friend

and the Reply.
So you

girl

fee,

my

for a

it

fliift.

on his Marriage,

dear Sir, though I'm eighty years old,

is in love with old Gould.

of eighteen

His Friend's Reply.

GIRL of eighteen may love Gold, it is true,

believe me, dear Sir, it is Gold without U.

But

The World.
THIS world

To
But

is

the belt

we

live in,

lend, or to fpend, or to give in :

to beg, or to borrow, or get a man's

own,
known.

'Tis the very worft world, Sir, that ever was

Another.

THE

world of fools has fuch a

ftore,

That he who would not fee an afs

Muft bide at home, and bolt his door,

And

break his looking-glafs.

The Vicar and Curate.

VICAR, long ill, who had treafured up wealth,

his Curate each Sunday to pray for his health

Told

Which

having done, a parifhioner faid,

That the curate ought rather to wifh he were dead.

"

oft

By my

I ne'er

troth," fays the Curate,

pray'd for his death, but I

"

let credit

have

be given,

for his

living"

SATIRICAL FPIGRAMS.

21

Written on a Looking-glafs.

CHANGE, and fo do 'women too,

But I reflect which women never do.
I

Anfwer, by a Lady.

women reflected, oh, fcribbler, declare,

What man faithlefs man, would be blelFd
IF

GEORGE
to

by the

fair.

the Second having fent a regiment of horfe

at the fame time a collection of books

Oxford, and

Cambridge, Dr. Trapp wrote the following epi-

to

gram

Our royal mafter faw, with heedful

The wants of his two Univerfities

eyes,

Troops he

to

Oxford

fent, as

knowing why,

That

learned body wanted loyalty :

But books to Cambridge gave, as well difcerning

That

that right loyal

body wanted learning.

Epigram which Dr. Johnfon, to mow his contempt

of the Whiggifh notions which prevailed at Cambridge,
was fond of quoting
but, having done it in the prefence of Sir William Browne, the phylician, was an-

An

fwered by him thus

The

king to Oxford fent his troop of horfe,

For Tories own no argument but force

With

equal care to Cambridge books he fent,

For Whigs allow no force but argument.

" it was
Johnfon did Sir William the juftice to fay,
one of the happieft extemporaneous productions he ever
met with ;" though he once comically confefled, that
" he hated to
repeat the wit of a Whig urged in fupport
of Whiggifm."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

22

On

are quits, d'ye fee

cut him, he now cuts me.

hair and

My
I

a Bald Head.

firft

Worfe than Bad.

"

MY
"

very bad," quoth Will,

can hold it ;

wife's fo

I fear ftie ne'er

" Mine's worfe,"

quoth

She keeps her bed."

" The

jade has juft

are

Why

Phil,

now fold it."

Women

How

beardlefs.

below,
wifely Nature, ordering
Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow,
all

For how could ftie be fhaved (whate'er the fkill)

Whofe tongue would never let her chin be ttill.

A
HUNT

late Bijbofs

not,

filh

Charge

to bis

Clergy poetized.

not, (hoot not,

Dance not, fiddle not, flute not

Be fure you have nothing to do with the Whigs,
But ftay at home, and feed your pigs ;
And, above all, I make it my fpecial defire,
That, at leaft, once a week you dine with the Squire.
;

On

an Ugly Fellow

BEWARE,

Or

my

fountain,

Thy

As

from

the Greek.

friend, of cryftal brook,

left

that hideous hook,

nofe, thou chance to fee

Narciffus' fate

And

would then be

thine,

felf-detefted thou would'ft pine,

felf-enamour'd he.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
The Rival Beauties

THREE

lovely

the Greek.

from

for the prize,

nymphs, contending

Difplay'd their charms before

my

23

critic eyes

Superior beauties heighten'd every grace,

And feem'd to mark them of celeftial race:

But I, who, bleff'd like Paris, fear'd his fall,

Swore each a Venus was and pleafed them

On

Bad

all.

Singer.

WHEN fcreech-owls fcream, their note portends

To frighten'd mortals, death of friends
;

But,

when Corvino

drains his throat,

E'en fcreech-owls ficken at the note.

Retaliation

THE works

from

the Greek.

of ancient bards divine,

Aulus, thou fcorn'ft to read

And mould
It

pofterity read thine,

would be

ftrange indeed.

IT blew a hard ftorm, and, in utmoft confufion,

The failors all hurried to get abfolution;

Which done, and the weight of the fins they'd confeff'd
Were transferr'd, as they thought, from themfelves to
the prieft

To

lighten the (hip, and conclude their devotion,

They

toff'd the

poor parfon foufe into the ocean.

On
THERE was

Man named

Nott.

man who was Nott

born,

His father was Nott before him,

He did Nott live, he did Nott die,

And

his epitaph

was Nott

o'er him.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

24

The Two Hujlands.

POOR John, who

Went
Who,

grieved to fee

Exclaim'd,
I

loft his

darling wife,

to a friend to fob

and whine,

him

fo repine,

" Good
man, upon

my

life,

wifh your accident were mine."

Dean

DEAF, giddy,

To
No

all

my

more

Than

own Deafnefs.

Swift, on his

helplefs, left alone,

friends a

I hear

if it

my

burthen grown,
church's bell,

rang out for

my

knell.

At thunder now no more I ftart,

Than at the rumbling of a cart
:

Nay, what's
I

incredible, alack

hardly hear a woman's clack.

On Female
RICH, thou hadft

Inconftancy ;

many

lovers

from

the Greek.

poor, haft none

;'

So furely want extinguifhes the flame,

And me who call'd thee once her

And her Adonis, now inquires

pretty one,

thy name.

" Where waft thou born, Soficrates, and where,

In what ftrange country can thy parents live,

Who

feem'ft, by thy complaints, not yet aware

That want's a crime no woman can forgive ?"

From Martial.
IP for mere wantonnefs you buy fo

For very want, you muft

faft,

fell all at laft.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

25

Candour.

As

Tom

was one day

in

deep chat with his friend,

He

gravely advifed him his manners to mend ;

That his morals were bad, he had heard it from many.

"

They

lie," replied

Tom," for

never had any."

The Keeper of Secrets.

CHARLES keeps a fecret well, or I'm deceived
For nothing Charles can fay will be believed.

The

Doftor's Coat of Arms.

DOCTOR, who, for want of ikill,

Did fometimes cure, and fometimes
Contrived

at length,

And many

a bottle

To

raife his

And

fill'd

with

His family

coat, long fince

to take

was

all

on the

friend, confulted

kill,

a puff,
fluff,

fortune and his pride

in a coach, forfooth,

What arms

by many

muft

ride.

worn

out,

the doubt.
cafe,

Thus anfwer'd, with a fly grimace:

" Take fome device in
your own way,
Neither too folemn nor too gay

Three ducks, fuppofe

And

let

On Dr.

white, grey, or black

Fell, Bijbop

of Oxford; Imitation of

Martial.
I

DO not love

The
But
I

your motto be, Quack! Quack!"

reafon
this,

I'm fure

do not love

Doftor Fell

thee,

why

cannot
I

know

thee, Dodlor

tell

full

well,

Fell,

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

26

From Martial.
'Tis a mere nothing that you

aflc,

you cry

If you afk nothing, nothing I deny.

The Lawyer and

the Dofior.

THE

doftor lives by fporting with our lives

And, by our follies fed, the lawyer thrives.

On

an Old

Woman ; from

MYCILLA dyes her

But

locks,

'tis

a foul afperfion

'tis

faid

the Greek.
;

;
they therefore need
immerfion.
fubfequent

She buys them black

No

OK

a Mifer

imitated from the Greek.

MISER, traverfing his houfe,

Efpied, unufual there, a moufe,

And

thus his uninvited gueft

Brifkly inquifitive addreff'd

"
I

Tell me,

owe

this

my

dear, to

what

caufe

is it

unexpected vifit?"

The moufe

her hoft obliquely eyed,

And,

"

fmiling, pleafantly replied :

Fear not, good fellow, for your hoard

came

to lodge,

and not

to board."

COVVPER.
Another.

THEY

call

thee rich

deem

thee poor,

Since, if thou dareft not ufe thy ftore,

But

The

faveft

it

treafure

only for thine heirs^

is not thine, but theirs.

COWPER.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

A Man
-,

of Wit.

they fay, has wit

For writing?

No

27

for

what ?

for writing not.

Corporation Politenefs.

As

a weft-country

mayor, with formal addrefs,

Was making his fpeech to the haughty Queen Befs

" The
" with inveterate
fpleen,
Spaniard," quoth he,
;

Has prefumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,

But your Majefty's courage has made it appear
"
That the Don had ' ta'en the wrong fow by the ear.'
The Correfpondent and

the Editor.

A CORRESPONDENT, fomething new

Tranfmitting, fign'd himfelf X. Q.
The
And

editor his letter read,

begg'd he might be X.

On

Bloomfeld, the Poet.

BLOOMFIELD, thy happy omen'd name

Enfures continuance to thy fame;
Both fenfe and truth this verdicl give,

While felds mail bloom thy name mail live!

KIRKE WHITE.

On

the Telegraphic

Wire

connefling

England

and America.

JOHN BULL and Brother Jonathan

Each other ought to greet ;
They've always been extravagant,
But now "make both ends meet."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

28

On

an Ugly Fellow.

LET Dick fome fummer's day expofe

Before the fun his monftrous nofe,

And
Its

ftretch his

fhade to

With

And

fall

giant-mouth to caufe
its

upon

jaws

nofe fo long, and mouth fo wide,

thofe twelve grinders fide by fide,

Dick, with a very little trial,

Would make an excellent fun-dial.

On Chatham and
SAYS " Gouty" *

mean
Says

to

"

Temple.

Gawkee," f

"

Pray what do you

?''

"Gawkee"

to

"Gouty,"

"To mob

King and

Queen."
Says

"Gawkee"

to

"Gouty," "Pray

what's your in-

tention?"
Says

"Gouty"

to

"Gawkee,"

"To

double

my

pen-

LORD EDGCUMBE.

fion."

The Golden Age.

WHY
Was

"golden," when that age alone, we're

with happy ignorance of gold ?

told,

bleft

More juftly we our

" The

venal times might call

golden age," for gold

is all

in all.

Commercial.

LITTLE Sealing

is

But

ftealing largely

'Tis

mean

But

to

a dangerous part,
is

a noble art

rob a henrooft, or a hen,

ftealing thoufands

* Earl of Chatham.

makes us gentlemen.

Lord Temple.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

29

Women and Marriage.

women prefuming to rail,
"Wives are tin canifters tied to our tail;"

LORD

Erlkine, at

Says,

While

fair Lady Ann, as the fabjeft he carries on,

Feels hurt at his lordlhip's degrading comparifon.
Yet wherefore degrading ? confider'd aright,

canifter's ufeful,

And

fhould dirt

its

and polifh'd, and bright;

original purity hide,

That's the fault of the puppy to

whom

it is

tied.

LEWIS, the Dramatift.

Erjkine's Rejoinder,

WHEN

fmitten with love from the eyes of the

If marriage fhould not be your lot,

ball

from

a piftol will

fair,

end your defpair

It'sfafer than canifter-fhot.

From

DOCTOR,

It

is

lately,

change of

Martial.

was
title,

a captain

made ;

not of trade.

From Martial.
BOTH man and wife, as bad as bad can be
I wonder they no better fhould agree.

Sympathy.

DOCTOR and an undertaker met

fpoke of illnefs, fees, of trade, and debt ;

And well they might, for fuch a difmal day
Never was known for coughs and deaths to clay

They

Parting in fog, they both exclaim'd together,

" Good
morning

t'ye

this

is

rare coffin weather."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

3o

On

Sir Thomas More, Chancellor of England.

WHEN More fome time had

No more fuits did remain

Chancellor been,

The

fame mall never more be feen,

Till

More be

there again.

man who

IF the

Cry not when

turnips cries,

his father dies,

'Tis a proof that he had rather

Have a turnip than his father.

DR. JOHNSON.

On
MARRIED

a Hafty Marriage.
well

'tis

a mighty bleffing

But poor's the joy, no coin pofleffing.

In ancient times, when folk did wed,

'Twas

to

be one

But hard's

" board and bed

at

his cafe,

who

;"

can't afford

His charmer either bed or board.

Arithmetic.

SAYS Giles,

"

Quoth

Jack,

wife and I are two

My

Yet, faith, I

know not why,

" You're

Sir

!''

ten, if I fpeak true;

She's one, and you're a cypher."

1

For Trades' Unionifts.

WHAT

is

a Unionift

For an equal

One who

Idler or bungler, or both, he

To

has yearnings

divifion of unequal earnings

fork out his

is

willing

penny and pocket your

milling.

EB. ELLIOT.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
From
POOR

in

the Greek.

and wealthy

my youth,

muft

Still

31

in old age,

mourn my

unpropitious fate ;
When gold and pleafures could my mind engage,
I pined in want; now fortune fmiles
too late.

Celia and

Dean

Swift.

SAID Celia to a reverend Dean,

" What reafon can be
given,
Since marriage

is

a holy thing,

That they have none in heaven ?"

"
" no women there."

They

have," fays he,

She quick returns the

" Women

jeft

there are, but I'm afraid

They cannot

find a prieft."

My

Shirt.

As Bayes, whofe cup with poverty was

dafh'd,

Lay long in bed, while his one mirt was wafh'd,

The dame appear'd, and, holding it to view,
" If 'tis wafh'd
'twill warn
Said,

"

in

again,

cries

Indeed,"

Bayes

" then

warn,

it,

two."
pray, good

coufin,

And warn

it,

if

you can, into a dozen."

Judgment

WHEN

in

Chancery.

houfe and lands are gone and {pent,

Then judgment

A
WHEN
Then

is

moft excellent.

Parody on the fame.

port and merry's gone and fpent,

Barclay's beer's moft excellent.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

32

To

Pbillis.

PHILLIS, you little rofy rake,

That heart of yours I long to

me

rifle

why mould you make

Come, give
So much ado about
it

trifle

Pollio's Library.

POLLIO,

who

Buys books,

values nothing that's within,

like beavers,

only for their

Ikin.

Jack and Roger.

did fay,
JACK, eating rotten cheefe,

" Like Samfon, I

my thoufands flay."
" fo
" I vow,"
you do,
quoth Roger,

And

with the felf-fame weapon, too."

The Fop.

No

wonder he

is

vain of coat or ring;

Vain of himfelf, he may of anything.

Tax
" WHY
"

Why,

On

on Affes.

tax not afles ?"

if

Bob

does fay

they did, you'd have to pay."

the Prifon Treading-mill, invented by

Mr.

Cubitt,

of Ipfwicb.

THE

coves in prifon, grinding corn for bread,

Denounce

thee, Cubitt, every ftep they tread

And, though

the ancients ufed thee, fure

The moderns

cannot ufe the prifon-yard,

By law

'tis

hard

they work, and walk, and toil in fpite,

Yet ne'er exceed two feet from morn till night.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On
STILL

a Par/on who fell

let

When

him

fleep,

a Party,

ajleep at

let us talk,

ftill

next he preaches we'll have

33

my
full

friends,

amends.

For Better, for Worfe.

"

NAY,

dear

prithee,

curfe

Thomas,

ne'er

rave thus and

Remember you took me ' for better, for worfe.' "

" but
" I know it,"
then, madam,
quoth Thomas,

look

you,

You

prove, upon

Sent

MY

trial,

much

worfe than I took you."

a Friend on receiving a Brace of Woodcocks.

to

thanks

I'll

no longer delay

which you've (hot with fuch

But, though there was nothing to pay,
Yet each of them brought in a bill!
For

birds

fkill ;

mean

not, my friend, to complain,

The matter was perfectly right;
And, when bills fuch as thefe come again,
I

I'll

always accept them at Jigbt,

Written by the late Dr. Walcott, on being advifed by

Dr. Geach to drink Afss Milk, the latter declaring
that it

had been of great fervice

to himfelf.

AND, Doctor, do you

really think
milk I ought to drink ?

That afs's
'Twould quite remove

And
It

drive

all

my

cough, you

old complaints away.

cured yourfelf

I grant that's true,

But then 'twas mother's milk

D

to you.

fay,

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

34

To the Author of a poor Sonnet on the River Dee.

Had
And
As

been U,

in the

Q,

would have been

it

I'd have let

Whilft Tipping

Far better

eafy to B,

you C,

my T,

lines

on the D.

Balance of Europe.

Now

Europe's balanced, neither fide prevails,

left in either of the fcales.

For nothing's

SWIFT.

Between Harry, who bad a better Library

Dialogue.

than Undemanding, and Dick,

Undemanding than Library.

QUOTH Harry,

to his friend

who bad a

one day,

"Would, Richard, I'd thy head!"

" What wilt thou
give for it ?" Dick
" The
bargain's quickly made."
"
I'd
and all

My

With
" I'd

my

head,

readinefs

books,

replied,

give,

and freedom."

take thy books

I fear I ne'er

but with thy head

could read 'em."

A G cafe's Reafon.
A

GOOSE,

my grannum

one day

faid,

Entering a barn pops down its head ;

I begg'd her then the caufe to Ihow

She

told

me me

For nothing but

What

muft waive the

a goofe

better

would

tafk,

afk,

nothing but a goofe could know.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

A
SAYS Jack Wilkes

35

Ready Anfwer.

"

to a lady,

Pray name, if you can,

your acquaintance, the handfomeft man ?"
" If
lady replied,
you'd have me fpeak true,

Of all
The

man

He's the handfomeft

The
SAYS Richard

And

moft unlike you."

that's the

Squabble.

" Thou'rt

a very fad dog,

thou can'ft write verfes no more than a log."
to Joe,

"

Prithee, ring-rhime, get hence,

Says Jofeph to Dick,
Sure my verfe, at leaft, is as good as thy fenfe."

Was e'er fuch a conteft recorded in fong ?

The one's in the right and the other's not wrong.
;

Female Fallings.

SEVEN times a day the juft men fin ;

So fpeaks the fage, our hearts to foften
Well, the juft women, they fall in
Aye, but no fage can tell how often.

A Man
SIR Prim, a doughty

Who

of Courage.

man

likes to fee the foe

Once, being

of war,

from

far,

in a lonely
place,

Shovv'd figns of fear in limbs and face;

His

friend, perceiving

The
The

him look

"

pale,

What? does courage fail?"

Captain
hero ftiffly does deny

Cries,

charge, and makes this bold reply

" I dread not

man, nor

fvvord, nor

gun

;
;

But, zounds! I'm lame, and cannot run."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

36

Nofce Teipfum

Know Thy/elf an Exception.

the Cbinefe of Confucius.

I'VE not faid fo to you,

" You

may

find fo

From

and I'm not going,

people better worth knowing."

my friend,

many

The Kings of Europe.

WHY,

pray, of late do Europe's kings

in their courts admit ?

No jefter

They're grown fuch

To

ftately

folemn things,

bear a joke they think not

But though each court a

To laugh at monarchs

fit.

jefter lacks,

to their face,

All mankind do, behind their backs,

Supply the honeft

On

jefter's place.

bearing of the Marriage of a Fellow of All Souls'

College.

SILVIO, fo ftrangely love his

Has,

for one Jingle body, left

A
A

mind
All

controls,

Souls.

Natural Prejudice.

CAMBRIDGE Soph,

juft freed

from band and gown,

town.

Went to the fermon, with his friend in

The doftor, not a Sherlock, I fuppofe,
Soon

lull'd his

audience to a fweet repofe

When now the flumbrous charm was at an end,

Up ftarts Cantab, and wakes his drowfy friend.
He rubb'd his eyes, and curfed the ftupid preacher,
" And
pray," fays he, "d'ye know this learned
" but, ere the drone
" No !" cries the
Soph,

I guefs'd our fate

for he's an

Oxford man."

teacher?"

began,

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Dame
BAD

fortune

is

a fancy

Gives the poor hope

37

Fortune\
fhe

is

juft

and fends the rich

diftruft.

Prefents.

HAMPER I received of wine,

" as
" As
good," Dick fays,

e'er

was

tatted."

And Dick may

be fuppofed to know,
For he contriv'd his matters fo,

As every day with me

to dine,

Much

longer than the liquor lafted ;

If fuch are prefents
while I live,

Oh

let

me

not receive, but give.

The

WEIGHTY

Law-fuit.

law-fuit I maintain

'Tis for three crab-trees in a lane.

The

trees are

mine, there's no difpute,

But neighbour Quibble crops the fruit.

My counfel, Bawl, in fludied fpeech,
Explores, beyond tradition's reach,

The laws of Saxons and of Danes,

Whole leaves of Doomfday-book explains,
The origin of tithes relates,

And feudal tenures of eftates.

If now you've fairly fpoke your
" One word about

all,

the crab-trees,

Bawl!"

From Martial.
THOSE
But

verfes, Brawler, which thou'fl read, are mine

as thou'ft read

them wrong,

they'll pafs for thine.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

38

On

Rogers the Poet, who was

So well deferved

is

who

That

friends,

The

egotift to

egotijlical.

Rogers' fame,
hear him moft, advife

change his name

with his hundred

To " Argus,"

I's

" Manners make the Man."

" THIS

fplendid drefs was made for

Cries Sugar Plum, the faucy cit ;

me ;"

" That
may be,
But you were never made for it."

Obfervers anfwer,

A
THOMAS
"

Word and

a Blow.

fure a moft courageous

word and

And

He

is

blow," for ever

is

man,
his plan

thus his friends explain the curious matter,

gives the

firft,

and then receives the

latter.

From Martial.

THOU

fpeakeft always

ill

of me,

I fpeak always well of thee

our noife and pother,

world believes nor one, nor t'other.

But, fpite of

The

all

The Promife

kept.

THUS, with kind words Sir Edward cheer'd his friend;

" Dear Dick thou on
my friendmip may'ft depend ;
!

know

thy fortune

But, be aflured,

I'll

is

but very fcant;

ne'er fee

Dick

Dick's foon confined

his friend,

him
His word he kept

want he

in

want."

no doubt, would

free

in

ne'er

would fee him.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

39

Miracles not ceafed.

THE prophet Balaam was in wonder loft

To hear his afs fpeak afles now talk moft.
:

On

the Derivation of the

word News.

THE word explains itfelf, without the mufe,

And the four letters fpeak from whence comes
From

news.

north, eafl, weft t fouth, the folution's made,

Each quarter

gives account of

war and

trade.

Travellers defended.
'Tis ftated by a captious tribe,
Travellers each other but tranfcribe

This charge to truth has no pretenfion,

For half they write's their own invention.

The Univerfal
VARIOUS
But

On

all

Devotion.

religions various tenets hold,

one god acknowledge

namely, gold.

two Butchers (their real names Bone and

attempted to raife the Markets.

Two butchers
Call'd

Would

thin,

ftarve the
it

town, or near

Skin and Bone,

On

TRY

ere

all

it ;

known

and blood won't bear

'Tis

who

Bone and Skin,

But, be

To

Skin")

it.

a Globe of the World.

you purchafe

hear the bauble ring

a cheat, a hollow,

empty

thing.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

4O

On

To

two Contratlors for

Rum

and Grain.

rob the public two contractors come

One cheats in corn, the other cheats in rum ;

Which is greater, if you can explain,

rogue in fpirit, or a rogue in grain ?

Confolation.

TOM
Yet

As

fhrew

to a
let

not

lives link'd in

Tom

wedlock's

fetter,

his ftars too forely curfe

no hope his wife will e'er be better,

So there's no fear fhe ever can be worfe.

Two

there's

The Lawyer and Client.

when a knotty cafe was o'er,

lawyers,

Shook hands, and were

as

good friends

"

as before.

"

how came you

Say," cries the lofing client,
To be fuch friends, who were fuch foes juft now?"
" Thou

one anfwers, " lawyers, though fo keen,

ne'er cut themfelves, but what's between."

fool !"

Like fhears,

On B

Bijbop of

Durham, and Barrington, the

Pickpocket.

Two

names of late,

With

fpirit

and

in a different

way,

zeal did beftir 'em,

The one was tranfported to Botany Bay,

The other translated to Durham.

On

Coleridge's Poem,

" The Ancient Mariner"

YOUR poem muft

eternal be,

Dear fir, it cannot fail ;

For 'tis incomprehenfible,

And without

head or

tail.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

From Martial.

WHEN
The
You

41

Imitated.

your board extols

lufcious haunch, or ham and fowls,
Clodius

at

rank him 'mongft your friends

He loves your venifon, but not

And could I like your lordfhip
He'd be

as

warm

you

'tis

true

dine,

a friend of mine.

Vulgar Natures.

TENDER-HANDED

And
Grafp

it

it

And

flings

like a

it

ftroke a nettle,

you

for

man of

foft as filk

your pains

remains.

'Tis the fame with vulgar natures

Ufe them kindly they

Be

as

mettle,

rebel

as nutmeg-graters,
the rogues obey you well.

rough

And

Par Nobile Fratrum.

Two

Congreves, at two different periods born,

In different ways their country did adorn.

One peacefully dilplay'd each comic flight,

The
The

other higher foars 'midft war and fight ;

fquibs of one could but aflail men's pockets,

But blood and death attend the other's rockets.

DiJJimilar Similitude.

SATYRS and Fawns on Tempe's lawns

Crept forth from holes and corners
But now-a-days how wide the fpace
'Twixt fatirifts and fawners.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

42

On

a Caricature, in which three Weftminfter Boys appear placed in a Pair of Scales, outweighing an equal

number of Etonians.

WHAT
Ye

mean

we

But that

While ye

by this print
Eton jealous,

ye,

wits, of

fo rare,

foar aloft in air,

are heavy fellows

CANNING.
Reply

to

the fame, by Theodore Hook.

CEASE, ye Etonians

With

rival wits

Feathers,

And

and no more

contend,

we know,

will float in air,

bubbles will afcend.

On Craven

Street.

IN Craven-ftreet, Strand, ten attorneys find place,

And ten dark coal-barges are moor'd at its bafe ;
Fly, honefty,

fly, to

fome

fafer retreat,

There's craft in the river, and craft in the

ftreet.

JAMES SMITH.
Reply

WHY

to

the fame, by Sir George

Rofe.

mould honefty

feek

any

fafer retreat,

From
For

And

the lawyers, or barges, odd rot 'em ?

the lawyers zrzjuft at the top of the ftreet,
the barges arejujl at the bottom.

Love of Home.

FOR

a hatred to

He's always

at

home
home,

Peter needs no reproof,

fave beneath his own roof.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

" Prometheus Unbound.'"

" Prometheus Unbound"

Shelley's

Poem,

SHELLEY

ftyles his

new poem,

And

like to

For

'tis

remain

furely an age

reader fo

weak

fo

while time circles round

would be fpent
as to

43

in the finding

pay for the binding.

T. HOOK.

On Mr.

Coke's (Earl of Leicefter) Second Marriage.

Interefting to Gafmen.

WHEN
To be
The

confumed, how great are the gains

we know, from the coke that remains
may, however, fweet Anna confole,

the coal

made,

reverie

When

is

as

her Coke mall be gone, fhe will

On Mr.

Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper.

Miltons, in feparate ages

The

cleverer Milton

Though

have the

ftill

T. HOOK.

coal!

Two

'tis

were born,

clear

we

have got

the other had talents the world to adorn,

This lives by his mews, which the other could not

HOOK.

On

the Departure of a certain Count for Italy, whence

hefentfome Italian Mujic in fcore for the Opera.

HE

has quitted the Countefs,

She

lofes

one hufband, and

what can

gets back

a.

fhe wifh

fcore.
S.

" ATTEND

more ?

your Church," the parfbn

each fair one goes ;

To Church

The old go there to clofe their eyes,

The young to eye their clothes.

ROGERS.
cries

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

44

A
"

To
By

Leftare on Heads.

this night's

pleafure I

mafquerade (quoth Dick)

am

beckon'd,

And

think t'would be a jolly trick

To go as Charles the Second"

TOM

for repartee a thirft,

thus to Richard faid

felt

And

" You'd
For

better go as Charles the Firfl,

that requires no head"

Time Enough.

CLERICAL prig,

who

one morn join'd the chafe,

For which he had always an itching,

Was thrown from his horfe, and fell flat on

his face,

dangerous, dirty, deep ditch in.

Each Nimrod
But onward

that pafs'd
all

him

for help loud did cry,

eagerly panted

" Let him

whipper-in luftily roars,
Till Sunday he will not be wanted."

The

lie

The Gambler.

" To

fortune I but

little

owe,"

lofing gamefter cried

"Be thankful, then, for all muft know,

You owe enough befide."
Off One who married his Miftrefs.
" GOD'S nobleft work's an honeft man"

Says Pope's inftruftive line ;

an hone/t woman, then,

To make
Moft

furely

is

divine.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

45

Carding and Spinning.

To/pin with art, in ancient times, has been

Thought not beneath the lady, nay, the queen.
From that employ our maidens had the name
Of fpinfter, which the moderns never claim.
But fince

And

the old

Change

And

to cards

each damfel turns her mind,

to that dear delight

let

name of

is

fo inclined,

fpinfter to a harder,

each darning belle be

call'd a carder.

Pythagorean Philofophy.

POOR Peter was

And when
It

at length his corpfe

was found

had become falt-petre.

A
"
"

in ocean drown'd,

harmlefs quiet creature

Mifers Will.

GIVE and devife" (old Euclio faid)

lands and tenements to Ned."

My

" Your
money,

Sir

?" "

My money

Sir,

what

all?

I give it Paul."
muft
Why,
" The
" The manor hold " he
Sir?"
manor,
" I will
with that," and died.
not, cannot

well, then, if I

cried,

part

POPE.

To Lord Nelfons

by Peter Pindar, with his Lordjhip's

that
caught fire on the Poet's Head, as be
Night-cap,

was reading

in bed.

TAKE your
For

What

night-cap again, my good Lord, I defire,

wifh not to keep it a minute ;

belongs to a Nelfon, where'er there

Is fure to be inftantly in

it.

is fire,

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

46

The

Client, from the Latin of

Owen.

CLIENTS returning, before thieves may fing,

For back from London they can't money bring.

" Nee Pluribus

impart

On a very bad Book.

the Latin of Melanflbon.

A THOUSAND
One

blots

might, I

would never

own,

if

were

it

From

cure, this ftuff ;

large enough.

The Gay Widow.

HER mourning

is all

make-believe

'Tis plain there's nothing in it;

With weepers me has tipp'd her fleeve,

The

while

fhe's

laughing in

it.

Courage mifplaced.

As Thomas was

He

took to the

Tom's

cudgell'd one day

ftreet,

and

by

his wife,

fled for his life

three neareft friends

came by

in the fquabble,

And faved him at once from the fhrew and the

Then ventured to give him fome fober advice

rabble

Tom

is a
perfon of honour fo nice,
wife to take counfel, too proud to take warning,
That he fent all the trio a challenge next morning.

But

Too

Three duels he fought, and thrice ventured his life,

Went home, and was cudgell'd again by his wife.
SWIFT.

A Reafon for

running away.

OWEN Moore

has run away,

Owing more

than he can pay.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
Irijb

Wit:

47

Repartee.

PAT, an old joker, and Yankee, more

fly,

Once

riding together, a gallows paff'd by ;

Said the Yankee to Pat, " If I don't make too free,

Give the gallows

"

its

Why, honey,"

I'd be riding to

due, and pray where would you be?''

"

fays Pat,

faith, that's eafily

known

town by myfelf all alone."

Typographical Wit.

" Ho
Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade,
" The
miniftry are to be changed, it is faid."
" That's
" but it better would be
!

good," replied

With

Tom,

"What?"

a trifling erratum."

The

" Dele

the r."

Inquefl.

POOR Peter Pike is drown'd^ and, neighbours fay,

" The
jury mean to lit on him to-day."
" Know'ft thou what for ?" faid Tom.
Quoth Ned,
" No
doubt,

'Tis merely done to fqueeze the water out."

Optical Delujions.

TOM runs from his wife to

He drinks, and he drinks,

get rid of his trouble

till

he

fees all things

double;

when he has ceafed the dire potions to mingle,

Oh, what would he give to fee himfelf Jingle!

But,

Beauty and the Beafls.

So bright is thy beauty, fo charming thy fong,
As had drawn both the beafts and their Orpheus along
But fuch is thy av'rice, and fuch is thy pride,

That

the beafts mull have ftarved,and the poet have died.

SWIFT.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

Jh Pun.

"

No

beirs have I," faid mournful

But Tom, ftill fond of gig,

" No hairs ? don't
Cried

you can buy

a wig."

Written on a Window, under a

THE

who

lady

Wrote

it

on

On

THE

glafs, to

fhow

it

all

antic tricks to imitate a

have a

face,

From whom

again}} Matrimony.

might be broke.

our imitating the French.

Part/tan fops no

To

Vow

this refolution fpoke,

formal ape endeavours,

With

fret at that,

out,

When

Matt

left

an

our

On

ambitious feem
a

air,

tafte

Thefe mimic apes,

he can,

man

tail like

them.

thus only difagrees,

and

we

but mimic thefe.

a Fair Pedant.

THOUGH Artemifia talks by fits,

Of councils, fathers, claffics, wits,
Reads Malebranche, Boyle, and Locke
in fome things methinks me fails ;

Yet

Twere well if me would pare

And wear a cleaner fmock.
The Parfon

You

We

tell us,

to

Dodlor,

'tis

nails,

confuted.

a fin to

fleal!

your praftice from your text appeal.

Youyfo?/ a fermon,y?<7/ a nap

From

her

dull

and, pray,

companions don't you fteal away?

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
The

49

Viftory.

UNHAPPY Chremes, neighbour

to a peer,

half his fheep, and fatted half his deer

Kept
Each day

And
At

injured

ftill

length, refolved his potent foe to awe,

And

thrown down, his fences broke,

the more, the more he fpoke

his gates

guard his right, by flatute and by law,

Chancery the wretch begun

bill and anfwer, run,
Obtain'd his caufe, had cofts, and was undone.
fuit in

Nine happy terms, through

On
POOR

And

Sir Richard Blockmarks Poem,

"Job loft

all

the comforts of his

"

Job:'

life,

hardly faved a potfherd and a wife.

Yet Job blelFd Heav'n, and Job again was bleft

His virtue was aflay'd and bore the teft.
But, had Heaven's wrath pour'd out its fierceft phial,
:

Had
The

he been thus burlefqued, without denial,

patient

man had

yielded to that

trial

His pious fpoufe, with Blackmore on her fide,

Muft have prevail'd Job had blafpbemed and died.

On

THY fatire's harmlefs

When thou prefcrib'ft

the fame,
'tis
thy profe that kills,
thy potions and thy pills.

To a Painted Lady.

LEAVE

And

off thy paint, perfumes,

and youthful

nature's failing honeftly confefs

Double we

fee thofe faults

Plain downright uglinefs

which

would

art

lefs

drefs,

would mend,

offend.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

50

Ejfeftual Malice.

OF

all the
pens which my poor rhymes moleft,
Cotin's the fharpeft, and fucceeds the belt :

Others outrageous fcold, and rail downright

With lerious rancour, and true Cbriftian fpite

But he, more fly, purfues his fell defign,

Writes fcoundrel verfes and then fays they're mine.

On

an Ugly Lady that patched much.

YOUR homely

face, Flippanta,

you

difguife,

patches, numerous as Argus' eyes

I own that patching's requifite for you,

With

For more we're

Yet

your face

we view

advice you'd afk,

but one patch, but be that patch a majk.

I advife, if

Wear

pleafed, if lefs

On Dr.

my

Evans's cutting dozvn a

St.

Row

of Trees at

John's College, Oxford.

INDULGENT Nature on each kind bellows

fecret inftinft to difcern

The

goofe, a

Lambs

fly

filly

from wolves

Evans, the gallows,

And

its

foes

bird, avoids the fox

;

and

failors fleer

from rocks.

as his fate, forefees,

bears the like antipathy to trees.

The Merry Mourner.

CRIES

Ned

to his neighbours, as

onward they

his wife to the place

of long

preft,

reft,
Conveying
" Take, friends, I befeech
you, a little more leifure
"
For why ihould we thus make a toil of a pleafure

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

A
A

HAUGHTY

Proper Retort.

courtier,

meeting in the

him thus infolently

"
to take the wall I
men
Bafe
fcholar,

The

fcholar faid,

"I

greets

51

ftreets
:

ne'er permit

do, and gave

HIM

"
;

"

it.

Untainted Honour.

LATE regulation requires that no

ftain

Taint the blood of the gentleman penfioners' train

This honour I doubt, then, will fall to the ground

For who, fprung from Adam, untainted

is

found

From Martial.

HER

father dead

Th' obedient

No

mourner

alone no grief

me knows

tear at ev'ry vifit flows.

he,

who muft by

But he, who mourns

in fecret,

From

praife be fee'd

mourns indeed

the fame.

WHEN, in the dark, on thy foft hand I hung,

And heard the tempting fyren, in thy tongue
What flames, what darts, what anguifh I endured
But when the candle enter'd I was cured.
;

From

the fame.

WHEN dukes in town aik thee to dine,

To rule their roaft, and fmack their wine
Or

To
Ah

take thee to their country-feat,

make their dogs, or blefs their meat

dream not on preferment foon ;

Thou'rt not their friend

but their buffoon.

HOADLEY.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

52

On

Bardella, the celebrated

the Latin of

Mantuan Thiefi from

Owen.

to be hang'd cheer'd up ;
To-night in heaven thou flialt fup."
" This I
Bardel replied,
keep fafting-day,

MONK, Bardella

"

And

faid,

If you pleafe to accept

On

my

place,

you may."

the Pifture of Charles the Second.

BEHOLD

a witty foolifh king

Whofe

Who

faith

no man

never faid a

Nor

relies

foolifli

on

thing,

ever did a wife one.

ROCHESTER.
a full-length Portrait of Beau Najh, placed in the
Rooms at Bath between the bufts of Sir I. Newton

On

and Pope.

IMMORTAL Newton never fpoke

More truth than here you'll find

Nor Pope himfelf e'er penn'd

More cruel on mankind.

The

a joke

picture, placed the bufts between,

Gives

fatire all its ftrength

Wifdom and wit

But

are little feen,

folly at full length.

The

Plagiary.

MOORE

always fmiles whenever he recites ;

fmiles, you think, approving what he writes

He
And

yet in this no vanity is fhown ;

modeft man may like what's not his

own.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On
OF
As

To

old,

"

the Grub-Jtreet Writers.

the wags attack'd Colley Gibber,

player, as bard, and odaic wine-bibber,

a friend that advifed him to anfwer their malice,

And
"

when

53

check, by reply, their extravagant

No, no," quoth

They

Tallies

the laureate, with a fmile of

much

glee,

write for a dinner, which they fha'nt get from

me."

On

Critics.

POEM read without a name,

juftly praife, or juftly blame

They
For

Critics

have no partial views,

Except they know

whom

they abufe.

SWIFT.

On feeing

a Bijhop go out of Church, in the time of

to wait on the Duke
of Dorfet on bis

Divine Service,
to

coming

LORD PAM

Town.

in the

church (could you think

it ?)

kneel'd

down,

When
His

He
To

told that the

Duke had juft come to town,

unawed by the place,

ftation defpifing,
flies

from

his

the

Court

it

Since

God
was

to attend

fitter to

God had no hand

on

pay

his grace

his devotion,

in his lordfhip's promotion.

From Martial.

You
For

afk
fear

LIE on

To

me why

have no verfes fent

you mould return

while

my

the compliment.

revenge mail be,

fpeak the very truth of thee.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

54

On

OF

"

Rogers's

'Twould

Rogers': Poem,

"
Ita/y."

Italy," Luttrell relates,

furely been difh'd if 'twere not for the plates.

On Lord Chefterfeld and bis

Son.

VILE Stanhope demons blufh to

In twice two hundred places,
!

Has Ihown

his fon the

tell,

road to hell,

Efcorted by the Graces.

But

little

did th' ungenerous lad

Concern himfelf about them;

For, bafe, degenerate, meanly bad,
He fneak'd to hell without them.

" Domus Ultima"

infcribed on
feeing the Words
the vault belonging to the Dukes of Richmond in Chi-

On

cbefter Cathedral.

DID
Not

he,

who

thus infcribed the wall,

read, or not believe St. Paul,

Who

fays there

is,

where'er

it

ftands,

Another houfe, not made with hands ?

Or, may we gather from thefe words,

That houfe

is

not a Houfe of Lords

CLARKE.

Mankind.

MAN

is

a very

worm by

birth,

Vile reptile, weak and vain !

Awhile he crawls upon the earth,

Then

fhrinks to earth again.

SWIFT.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

T. Moore's Poems.

Rookh

Lalla
Is a

55

naughty book

Tommy Moore,
Who has written four

By

Each warmer

Than

the former,

So the moft recent

Is the leaft decent.

SNEYD.

On

the late

Lord Chancellor Wedderburne^ Lord

Loughborougb.

To

mifchief train'd e'en from his mother's

Grown

arts by which gay villains

reach the heights which honeft

Adopting

rife

And

men

Mute

womb,

old in fraud, though yet in manhood's bloom,

defpife,

and in the fenate loud,

Dull 'mongft the dulleft, proudeft of the proud
A pert, prim prater, of the Northern race,
Guilt in his heart, and famine in his face.
at the bar,

CHURCHILL.

A
A

PRINCE can make a belted knight,

marquis, duke, and

a'

that;

But an honeft man's aboon

Guid

faith

he mauna

his

might,

fa' that.

BURNS.

O
WHAT
Who,

the Funeral of a Rich Mifer.

num'rous

lights this wretch's corpfe attend,

in his lifetime,

faved a candle's end!

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

56

On Lord
BY

Cadogan.

unmoved, by fhame unawed,

Offspring of hangman and of bawd ;
fear

men

Ungrateful to the ungrateful

he grew by,

bold, bad, boiit'rous, bluft'ring, bloody, booby.

ATTERBURY.

The Fate of Poets.

SMYRNA, Rhodes, Colophon, Salamis, Chios, Argos,
Athenae;
Cedite,

jam ccelum

patria Maeonidae

eft.

SANNAZARIUS.

SEVEN wealthy towns contend for Homer dead,

Through which the living Homer begg'd his bread.

HE

On

the late Bijbop Warburton.

was

fo

proud that mould he meet

The

twelve Apoftles in the ftreet,

He'd turn his nofe up at them all,

And move

Who
Still

was

his Saviour

fo

from the wall

mean (meannefs and

go together fide by

That he would

And

cringe,

pride

fide)

and creep, be

hold a ftirrup for the devil

civil,

If on a journey to his mind,

him mount and

He'd

let

Who

bafely fawn'd through

For patrons

firft,

ride behind

all his life,

then for a wife

Wrote Dedications which mult make

The

heart of every Chriftian quake.

CHURCHILL.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

the fet ting up Butler

Monument

57

in

Weftminfter

Abbey.

WHILST

Butler, needy wretch,

was yet

alive,

No

generous patron would a dinner give ;

See him when ftarved to death and turn'd to duft,
Prefented with a monumental buft.

The

He
On

poet's fate

here in

is

emblem mown

and he received a

afk'd for bread,

itone.

the late King's Statue on the top of Bloom/bury

Spire.

THE King
The Head

of Great Britain was reckon'd before

of the Church by all good Chriftian people

His fubjefts of Bloomjbury have added one more
To his titles, and made him the Head of the Steeple.
Flattery expofed.

PRINCE, the

moment he

is

crown'd,

Inherits every virtue round,

As emblems of

the fovereign power,

Like other baubles in the Tow'r ;
fix him in the tomb,
His virtues fade, his vices bloom,
His panegyrics then are ceafed,

But, once you

He

grows a tyrant, dunce, or

As

foon

as

beaft.

you can hear his knell,

This god on earth turns devil

On One

in hell.

Ignorant and Arrogant.

THOU

Who

may'ft of double ignorance boaft,

know'ft not that thou nothing know'ft.

CoWPER.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

58

On

the Celebrated

Duke of Marlborougb.

THIS world he cumber'd long enough,

He

burnt his candle to the fnuff;

And

He

that's the reafon,

left

Behold

behind

fome

folks think,

fo great a {link.

his funeral
appears,

Nor widow's

Wont

at

fighs, nor orphan's tears,

fuch times each heart to pierce,

Attend the progrefs of his hearfe.

But what of that? his friends may
He had thofe honours in his day ;

fay,

True to his profit and his pride,

He made them weep before he died.

Come
Ye

hither, all ye empty things

bubbles raifed by breath of kings
!

Who float
Come

upon the

tide

From

ftate

this

hither and behold your fate

Let pride be taught by

How

of

rebuke

very mean a thing's a duke ;

all his
ill-got honours flung,

Turn'd

to that dirt

from whence he fprung.

DEAN
Martial.

WITH
And I

lace bedizen'd

"Your
I

Imitated.

comes her man,

muft dine with Lady Anne

filver fervice loads the board ;

Of eatables
came

SWIFT.

a (lender hoard.

pride, and not your victuals, fpare!

to dine,

and not

to ftare."

DR. HOADLEY.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

a dull Preacher, whofe Text was,

59

" Watch and

pray."

BY

our preacher perplex'd,

How (hall we determine

" Watch and

pray,"
" Go to

fays the text,

fleep," fays the fermon.

The Remedy Worfe than the

I SENT for Radcllffe

That other

was

fo

doctors gave

Difeafe.

ill,

me

over

He felt my pulfe, prefcribed a pill,

And I was likely to recover.
But when the wit began to wheeze,
And wine had warm'd the politician,

Cured yefterday of

my

I died laft night of

difeafe,

my

phyfician.

PRIOR.

Character of an Old Rake.

SCORN'D by the wife, detefted by the good,

underftanding aught, nor underftood ;

Nor

Profane, obfcene, loud, frivolous, and pert

Proud, without

fpirit; vain,

Affecting paffions vice has long fubdued

Defperately gay, and impotently lewd

And,

as

On

in folly,

deem'd

a Company of BAD Dancers

How

ill

thy weak companions round thee

For eminence

and

fo

fit,

a wit.

to

GOOD Mujic.

the motion with the mufic

So Orpheus fiddled

without defert:

fuits

danced the brutes.

60

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

Dr. Winter

to

Dr. Cbeyney, on

his books in favour

a Vegetable Diet.

TELL me from whom,

fat-headed Scot,

Thou did'ft thy fyftem learn

From Hippocrate thou haft it not,
Nor Celfus, nor Pitcairn.
;

we own that milk is good,

And fay the fame of grafs ;
The one for babes is only food,
The other for an afs.

Suppofe

Doctor

(A
Eat

our

new

grafs,

Thy

reduce thyfelf, and die;

patients then

Dr. Cheyney

MY fyftem,
No

My

prefcription try,

friend's advice forgive ;)

to

may

live.

Dr. Wynter: Reply.

Doctor,

my own,

is

tutor I pretend

blunders hurt myfelf alone,

But yours your

Were you

to

deareft friend.

milk and ftraw confined,

Thrice happy might you be

Perhaps you might regain your mind,

And from your wit get free.
I can't

But

your kind prefcription try,

heartily forgive

'Tis nat'ral you

That you

mould bid me

yourfelf

may

live.

die,

of

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
Tom Paine and

61

Cobbett.

IN digging up your bones, Tom Paine,

Will. Cobbett has done well ;

You

vifit

He'll

him on

vifit

you

earth again,
in hell.

BYRON.

The Mutual

Vouchers.

CARLO, you fay, writes well, fuppofe it true ;

You pawn your word for him, who'll vouch for yon.
So two poor knaves, who find their credit fail,

To

cheat the world, become each other's

bail.

Lines written on a Pane of Glafs at an Inn.

DUST is lighter than a feather,

The wind much lighter is than
But,

alas

Is far

frail

much

either

lighter than the

wind.

Friend, you miftake the matter quite

How

womankind

can you fay that woman's light?

Poor Comus fwears, throughout his life,

His heavieft plague has been a wife.
Applicable to

FRANK, who
Sent

me

No

any friend fupply,

"

ten guineas.

" Give me a
You take my
Jack

will

Many.

pen,
note."

Come,"

but

it is

Quoth

he,

to the cafli I've bid adieu;

need to wafte

my

faid I,

fair

paper too."

" Hold

there,

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

62

On

HAD
Nor

the Barrennefs of the Highlands.

Cain been

Scot,

God

The Swifs and

To

a Swifs, a gay

" Your

had reverfed his

doom

forced to wander, but confined at home.

the Frenchman.

Frenchman

in

company

faid,

foldiers are forced, Sir, to fight for their bread,

Whilft for honour alone the French

rum

to the field,

So your motives to ours, Sir, muft certainly yield."

"
"
By no means," cried the other ;
pray why mould
boaft

you

Each

fights for the thing he's in need of the moft."

The

WHEN

all

Suicide.

By

Martial.

the blandifliments of life are gone,

the brave lives on.
creeps to death

The coward

On

the Invention of Gunpowder.

From

the

German

Epigrams.

King.

Friend Kunz, I've heard grave people mention

Gunpowder

as the devil's invention.

Kunz. Whoe'er inform'd you fb was drunk ;

'Twas firft invented by a monk.
King. Well, well, no matter for the name ;
A monk, or devil 'tis much the fame.
Midas and
MIDAS,

his Oppojttes.

they fay, poffefs'd the art, of old,

Of turning

whatfoe'er he touch'd to gold.

This modern ftatefmen can

Touch them with

reverfe

with eafe

gold, they'll turn to

what you

pleafe.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

63

Gratitude.
IF

Ben

The

to Charles a legacy has given,

now wimes him

grateful Charles

in heaven.

The Real Wonder.

WONDER'D not when

The
But

this I

Where on

On

was

told

venal Scot his country fold;

very

much admire,

earth he found a buyer.

Duke of

Eijbop Atterburfs burying the

Buckingham.

"I HAVE

no hopes," the Duke he fays, and dies;

In fure and certain hopes," the prelate cries.
Of thefe two noted peers, I prithee, fay man,

"

Which is the lying knave the prieft or layman ?

The Duke he Hands an infidel confefs'd ;

" He's

our dear brother," quoth the holy

The Duke the knave,

And who can fay the

ftill

prieft.

brother, dear, he cries,

reverend prelate

lies ?

Equality.
I DREAM'D, that, buried in

Clofe by a

common

And,

mean

a neighbour Ihock'd

my

like a

More manners
"

fellow clay,

beggar's fide I lay

pride,
corpfe of confequence, I cried:
Scoundrel, begone! and henceforth touch me not;

Thus,

"

as fo

my

How

" Proud
lump
Here

all

This

is

learn

fcoundrel

of

and

at a diftance rot !"

in a haughtier tone, cried

dirt, I
;

he

fcorn thy words, and thee

now

thy cafe is mine ;

rotting-place, and that is thine."

are equal

my

"
!

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

64

He knows
FITZ

Himfelf.

knows

to the peerage

So mounts the coach-box

he's a difgrace

as his

proper place.

Moral Arithmetic.
FLAM,

He

to

my

face,

is

oft too kind,

over-rates both

But then he never

When

worth and

talents

fails, I find,

to ftrike the balance.

we're apart

Diamond cut Diamond.

YORKSHIRE man
Ere

this

and

oftler

ftill

you might have been,

Had you employ'd your

native

fkill,

Landlord, and kept the inn.

"Ah,

Sir!

"

quoth John,

For, dang

On

it,

a Dutch Vejfel refujlng

BENEATH

"

here 'twill ne'er do,

meyfter's Yorkfhire too

to

"
!

take up Major Money.

the fun nothing, there's nothing that's

faid it, the maxim's not true.

new

Though Solomon

Dutchman,

On

for inftance,

lucre intent,

was heretofore known

and on lucre alone.

Mynheer is grown honeft, retreats from his prey,

Won't pick up e'en Money, though dropp'd inhis way.

The Mifer.
THIRSTY Tantalus, (landing chin-deep

in the river,

Sees the water glide from him, untafted, for ever

And were Harpagus

Though

plunged in his gold to the chin, he.

to 'fcape from ftarvation, would ne'er touch a

guinea.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

65

From Buchanan.
DOLETUS

When

writes verfes and wonders

ahem

there's nothing in him, that there's nothing in

them.

On

the Rev. L. Eachard's

EurneCs

and Eijbop Gilbert

Hijiories.

GILL'S Hiftory appears to

Political

cafe

And

anatomy

me

of fkeletons well done,

malefadlors every one.

His fharp and ftrong incifion pen

Hiftorically cuts up men,
And does with lucid fkill impart

Their inward

ails

of head and heart.

Lawrence proceeds another way,

And

well-dreff'd figures does difplay

His characters are

Their hands

And from

all

in flefh,

are fair, their faces frefh

his fweet'ning art derive

better fcent than

when

alive

He waxwork made

to pleafe the fons,

Whofe

Gill's fkeletons.

fathers

were

Law and

Phy/ic.

IF mortals would, as Nature didlates, live,

They need not fees to the phyfician give.

If men were wife, they need not have their
Pleaded, prolong'd by the ambiguous laws.
Bartolus might, feelefs, go to bed,

And

mice corrode Hippocrates unread.

caufe

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

66

On

a Lady

IT founds
You're

like

like

who was painted ; from

paradox

your

the Latin.

and yet

'tis

true,

though

it's

not like you.

pifture,

On

the Coffins of Dr. Sacheverell and Sally Salijbury

being found together in the Vault of St. Andrews.

Lo

!
to one grave confign'd, of rival fame,
reverend doctor and a wanton dame.

Well

for the

world both did

For each, while

fit

He

living, fet

companion

The Parfon

Old D.D.

fwaggers,

profeft.

M.D.

rolls

a brace of noddies

takes the care

And M.D.

and fhe

verfus the Pbyjician.

dub them both

of

One

fouls

takes the care

of bodies.
rare

and bodies muft endure

takes the cure

without the care,

T'other the care without the cure.

On

THE

ftomach

is

a Ventriloquijt.
a thrifty thing

So Juvenal of old did fing :

I deem'd his faying was not footh

now

experience proves its truth :

For here is one whofe ftomach's feats

But

Procure the food

his

fouls,

Between them both what treatment

Our

fire.

for a high-church prieft

non-refiftance taught,

How D.D.

to reft retire,

mankind on

ftomach

eats.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

A
" I HEARD
" I'm

laft

week,

67

Good Hearing,
friend

very glad to hear

it

Edward, thou waft dead."

too," cries Ned.

The Papal Aggrejjion.

WITH Pius, Wifeman tries

To

lay us

Pius,

under ban

man unwife

impious Wife-man

The World's Judgment.

FROM your home and your

" Oh, he's a
Yet,

wife every evening you

fly,

refpedable man," people cry ;

And you gamble and fwear and drink hard every day,
"
Oh, he's a refpedlable man," neighbours fay ;
Yet,

And your fons quite

" Oh, he's a

Yet,

as looie as their fathers are

refpeftable

If the morals of
Pleafe to

tell

men by

For

fays the

grown,
town.

fuch meafure you fcan,

us who's not a refpeftable

Next

" To

man,"

man ?

door to a Brute.

drink and love," faid Daphnis, "is

mort, and I am but a man."

my

plan,

life is

"

Nay, Daphnis, not fo faft ; for, thus inclined,

In form a man, you're but a beaft in mind."

A falfe
THAT
I

there

is

Face true.

falfehood in his looks

muft and will deny

They

fay their matter

And

fure they

is

do not

a knave

lie.

BURNS.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

68

The Riddle

read.

WHAT

means old Hefiod ? Half exceeds the whole?

Read me the riddle, there's a clever foul.
Phyllis, the

anfwer in yourfelf appears

For twenty-five you'd give your

A
I'VE

loft

fifty years.

Dilemma.

the comfort of

my

life,

Death came and took away my wife ;

And now I don't know what to do,
Left Death fhould come, and take me

On Lord
You

Dundonald.

and fpeak fo
fomewhat odd,

fight fo well,

Your

cafe

is

too.

ill,

Fighting abroad you're quite at home,

Speaking at home abroad.

Therefore your friends, than hear yourfelf,

Would rather of you hear ;

And

your name in the Gazette,

Journals, mould appear.

that

Than

The

No

wonder

Univerjities.

Oxford and Cambridge profound

In learning and fcience fo greatly abound
Since fome carry thither a little each day,
that

And we meet with

Swift's

" GREAT

fo

few who bring any away.

Endowment of a Lunatic

Hofpital.

wits to madnefs fure are near allied,"

This makes the Dean

for kindred thus provide.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

69

To an Unfortunate Poet.

UNTHRIFTY wretch

Thy

foul

why

and homage

ftill

to the

confine

Nine?

'Tis time to bid the Nine begone,

And now take care of number one.

To a
IF, to

Brieflefs Barrifter.

reward them

for their various evil,

All lawyers go hereafter to the devil ;

So little mifchief thou doft from the Jaws,

Thou'lt furely go below without a caufe.

On

WHEN

Quacks.

quacks, as quacks may, by good luck, to be fure,

Blunder out, at haphazard, a defperate cure,

In the prints of the day, with due pomp and parade,
Cafe, patient, and doftor, are amply difplay'd :
All this

is

But

no mortal can blame

quite juft, and

If they fave a man's

life,

it,

they've a right to proclaim

Did they

publijh a

lift

The April Fool.

" is
" This," Richard
fays,
April-day,

And

A
"

fo

though

mighty wife you be,

bet, whate'er

like, I'll lay,

Ere night

a fool of thee."

fool I

you
make

may

be,

it is

true,

But, Dick (cries Tom), ne'er be afraid,

No man can make a fool of you,

For you're a

it

mightfave more lives JtiH,

of the numbers they kill.

there's reafon to think they

fool already

made."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

70

Advice

to

a Dramatift.

YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,

And like the half you pilfer* d beft
But fure the drama you might mend ;
Take

courage, man, nn&fteal the reft !

Retaliation.

WHEN

we've nothing

to dread

from the law's

fterneft

frowns,

How we fmile
But no fooner

Than

at the barrifters' wigs,

we want them

their laughter begins,

bands, and gowns,

to fue or defend,

and our mirth's

at

an end.

To a Lawyer.

READ

o'er a will, was't ever

known

But you could make that will your

For when you read 'tis with intent

To

find out

own

meanings never meant.

GAY.
The Will.
JERRY dying
Whilft his

"What !"

inteftate, his relatives claim'd,

widow moft vilely his mem'ry defamed

" muft I fuffer becaufe the old knave
cries me,

Without leaving

a will,

"That's no wonder,"

is

fnug in the grave?"

laid

"for

'tis
very well known,
Since he married, poor man, he'd no will of bis ozva.''

fays one,

To Doftor Abel

in bis Sicknefs.

ABEL prefcribe thyfelf ; truft not another

Some envious leech, like Cain, may flay his
!

brother !

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

71

To Lord

WE

thought you without

And wealthy with

titles
great,
a fmall eftate,

While, by your humbler felf alone,

You feem'd unrated and unknown.
But now, on Fortune's fwelling tide
High-borne, in all the pomp of pride
Of grandeur vain, and fond of pelf;
'Tis plain,

my

lord,

you knew

yourfelf.

Churchill, the Poet, differed ; written in 1764.

MAN, without one feeling for his kind ;

Without one feed of goodnefs in his mind
Intent, on all he hates, to pour his rage,

Refpedling neither merit, rank, nor age

His characters

to his

bear, exhibiting a

But deviates from

He

makes

mow

Satire's

montter

And, while by

own manners
of brutes

fuits

moral plan,

whom God made

man

flanders foul he courts applaufe,

Appears the very

villain that

The

he draws.

Alternative.

IN heat of youth, poor Jack engaged a wife,

Whofe tongue, he found, might prove a fcourge for

Perplex'd, he ftill put off the evil day ;

Grew

fick at length

To which
" To wed

and

juft expiring lay

fad crifis having brought the matter,

or die"

Jack wifely chofe the

latter.

life

72

A
OLD
Was

Court Audience.

South, a witty churchman reckon'd,

preaching once to Charles the Second,

But much too

Who

ferious for a court,

preaching made a fport :

foon perceived his audience nod,
Deaf to the zealous man of God.
at all

He

The
"

doftor ftopp'd ; began to call,

Pray, wake the Earl of Lauderdale

My

lord

You

fnore fo loud,

On

why;

'tis

a monftrous thing
you'll wake the king.''
!

a Difpute between Dr. Radcliffe and Sir

Godfrey Kneller.

SIR

GODFREY and

common garden
" I'll
Kneller,

and each had a key.

Into one

Quoth

certainly flop

If ever I find

" Your

it

up that door,

unlock'd any more.''

threats," replies Radcliffe,

And, fb you
" You're

common way

Radcliffe had one

don't paint

it,

e'en

"

difturb not

do what you

fmart," rejoins Kneller,

"

my

eafe,

pleafe."

but fay what you

will,
I'll

take anything from you

but potion or

On feeing

pill."

the wife of Sir Ralph Payne in tears, which

Jhe /aid were caufed by the death of her monkey.

poor Ned ;
monkey's dead ;
had rather by half

ALAS

My
I
It

had been

Sir

Ralph.
SHERIDAN.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

Liberty in Danger.

the

73

new Aft

againft

Swearing, written in 1747.

SINCE

Norman*

the

firft

fix'd his ftandard here,

Britons have claim'd a right to curfe and fwear.

In vain the preacher, with his milk-white hand,

Denounced damnation on
With " D mn you, Jack
greets

And" Blood

a guilty land
''

each friend his friend

and thunder

echoes through our

!''

But ftronger fanftions now our pulpits arm,

Prifons and mulfts th' abandon'd wretch alarm

The

fear

of hell, 'twas found, could nought

But ev'n a Captain trembles

The

lofs

Muft

at a jail

De

Veil,| at

leaft,

The Mother's

And

grow more

civil,

though not the

devil.

Choice.

THESE panting damfels, dancing for their

Are only maidens waltzing into wives.
Thofe fmiling matrons are appraifers fly,

Who

of money, fure, though not of foul,

dumb, and blafphemy control

dread

ftreets.

avail

ftrike vice

Sailors themfelves henceforth mail

And

ftill

lives,

regulate the dance, the fqueeze, the figh,

each bafe cheapening buyer having chid,

Knock down

their daughters to the nobleft bid

AUSTIN.
*

The Normans

are fuppofed to

have introduced

fwearing.

An

adlive Middlefex Juftice at that time.

this

cuftom of

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

74

On Lord
FOR

clofe defigns

Chancellor Shaftejbury.

and crooked counfels

Sagacious, bold, and turbulent of wit

fit,

Reftlefs, unfix'd in principles and place;

In power unpleafed, impatient of difgrace;

daring pilot in extremity.

Pleafed with the danger when the waves ran high,
He fought the ftorms : but for a calm unfit/

Would

fleer too

near the fands to boaft his wit.

In friendship falfe, implacable in hate,

Refolved to ruin or to rule the ftate.

Then

with fear, yet (till affefting fame,

a
Ufurp'd
patriot's all-atoning name.
feized

New-made Honour.

Imitated from Martial.

FRIEND I met, fome half-hour fince

" Good
morrow, Jack !" quoth I ;
The new-made knight, like any prince
Frown'd, nodded, and

When

up came Jem

" Ah,

pafs'd

by

" Sir
John, yourjlave!"

James ; we dine at eight

not" (low bows the fupple knave)

Fail

" Don't make

my

lady wait."

The

As I'm a finner,
king can do no wrong ?
He's fpoilt an honeft tradefman, and my dinner.

By

the

Author of the Ingoldjby Legends.

From Martial :

ii.

Epig. 20.

fond of the name of a poet is grown,

gold he buys verfes, and calls them his own :
on, Matter Paul, nor mind what the world fays

PAUL
With

Go

Lib.

They

fo

are furely his

own,

for

which

man

pays.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

Death of Oliver Goldfmith and

intended Monument.

the

THE

Sam

other day,

" Who's
" None

faid to

He

ftiould

On Dr.

Ralph,

have wrote

it

Ralph

replied,

ere he died."

Cade's dying by his own Recipe.

CADE, who had

flain

ten thoufand

With

that fmall inftrument, a pen,

Being

fick, unluckily

The

men,

he tried

point upon himfelf, and died.

On
THE

bis

make Goldfmith's epitaph?"

to

living can ;" four

"

75

glafs,

a Window.

lovers' nonfenfe blurr'd,

by

Dims and obfcures our fight

So, when our paffions Love has

ftirr'd,

It darkens reafon's light.

SWIFT.

Another, at Chejler.

THE

church and clergy here, no doubt,

Are very near

a-kin

Both weather-beaten

And empty

'

are without,

both within.
SWIFT.

On

Pope Julius II.

THY

From

the Italian of Buchanan.

mother Greek,
truth in thee would

father Genoefe, thy

Born on the

feas

who

feek

Falfe Greece, Liguria s falfe, and falfe the fea;

Falfe

all

and

all

their falfehoods are in thee.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

j6

On

a Pifture of a Martyrdom.

'Tis an exquifite martyrdom, Dawb, that you paint:

You murder the hangman as well as the faint !

The

" WE all
" Believe

Prifoners.

are innocent," the prifoners cry

none here willingly would

us,

lie''

Upon a Window where there was no Writing

THANKS to my ftars, I once can fee

A window here from fcribbling free
Here no conceited coxcombs

To

before.

pafs,

fcratch their paltry drabs

on

glafs;

Nor party fool is calling names,

Or dealing crowns to George and James,
SWIFT.

The Royal Marriage Aft, pajfed 1772, gave rife

many jeu-tfefprits, one of which is the following:

Quoth Dick
Abfurd,

To

to

Tom, " This Aft

I'm

as

alive

appears

crown at eighteen years,

wife at twenty-five.

take the

The

"The

myftery

For

Thus

Quoth

And

mail

early if they're

They muft

Alas

how

we

explain?

fure, as well 'twas faid,

Tom
little
'tis

be

to

fit

fit

to

Dick,

to reign,

wed."

" Thou

know'ft of

life;

eafier far to rule

kingdom than

a wife."

art a fool,

to

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

WE

are

little

77

the Vowels.
airy creatures,

All of different voice and features

One of us
One of us

in glafs

you'll find in jet.

T'other you

And

may

fee in tin,

the fourth a box within.

If the
It

is fet,

fifth

you fhould purfue,

fly from you.

can never

SWIFT.

To a Miferly Bachelor.

THOU

art juft like a fnail,

Becaufe thou doft keep

To

all

with thy treafure and

pelf,

thy houfe to thyfelf.

Voltaire y ridiculing Mi/ton's Allegory of Sin

and Death.

THOU

art fo witty, profligate,

At once we

and thin,

think thee, Satan, Death, and Sin.

Dr. Young.

On

Marriage of Ebenezer Sweet and Jane Lemon.

the

How

happily extremes do meet in Jane and Ebenezer !

but fweet, and he a Lemon

She no longer four,

fqueezer.

The two Bi/hops: from Durham

SAYS Cheefy

Who

to

" Your

to

Oxford and

back.

chaplains are

Soapy,
Popey,
knocks at my door other vouchers muft bring."

"

Your ethics are eafy,

Says Soapy to Cheefy,
You hold that preferment Ihould come with a ring."

From PUNCH.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

78

On feeing

an old Abbey whitewajhed.

How awful once thy ancient face,

How fpoilt by vain renewing
;

Of old,

thy gravity was grace,

Now

fprucenefs thy undoing.

Thou who
Alike in

Art now

And

waft once a reverend fage,

faft

and fliow,

ridiculous in age,

look'ft a batter'd beau.

On Oxford Fees.

WHEN " Alma Mater" her

kind heart enlarges,

Charges her graduates, graduates her charges

What
Than

fafer rule

could guide the accountant's pen

that of doubling fees for Dublin

men.

REV. H. L. MANSELL.

The Churchwarden? Petition.

" PRITHEE,
my Lord, from your new Cheefe,*
Some fcanty parings take,

And

our poor Pallors' bread therewith

More

SAID

Villiers,

For

The

palatable make."

The Bijbofs Reply.

"
can be
Nothing

thefe three pious

Cheefe

that's

with

fpared

men

my

daughter pair'd,

Muft not be pared again."

From PUNCH.
* Son-in-law of the
Biftop of Durham, who had given him a
more than iooo/. a-year.

living valued at confiderably

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
More

Bijbops v. Better

79

Pay for Curates.

CERTAIN party's crying out,

bifhops for our Church

" More

We

muft have more, or, without doubt,

Shall foon be in the lurch."

It

is

not bifhops, I think,

Of fuch we
But

have

need,

raife, and help, and fpeed,

give our curates more !

us

let

And

Sam of Oxford, famed

There's

And Durham,

Who

we

a ftore

roam about

famed
in Hole

for foap,

for cheefe,

and cope,

In rank, and wealth, and

eafe.

But look below

!
fee parfon Wroe,
learned quite as they,
But who can fcarce the wants fupply

As

Of every
With

paffing day.

feedy coat, and feedy veft,

In pulpit he appears,

The ready butt of wittol's jeft,

And wealth's all bitter fneers.
Follow him home

if

home he

has

'Tis comfortlefs and cold.

Should

this fo

be

fad fight to fee

So bare a Chriftian

And

this

fold

while palaces are rife !

thou fure did'ft jeft,
!

Oh, Pope

When

from thy tongue the fentence fprung,

" Whatever

is is

beft."

Author unknown.

On Mr.

Pitt's being pelted by the

Mob,

on

Lord

Mayor* s-day, 1787.

THE
For

On

we

City-feaft inverted here

Pitt

had

find,

he dined.

his defert before

Addington's Inefficient Cabinet.

IF blocks can from danger deliver,

Two

places are fafe

from the French;

The firft is the mouth of the river,

The fecond the Treafury Bench.

On Dr.
ARE

Goldfmitb's Cbarafteriftical Cookery.

thefe the choice dimes the

Is this the great

This Goldfmith's

Heaven

do&or has

poet whofe \vorks

fine feaft,

fo

who has

fends us good meat

fent us

content us

written fine books

but the devil fends cooks.

D. GARRICK.
Pope, Devil, and Pretender.

OUR

three great enemies

remember,

The

Pope, the Devil, and the Pretender.

All wicked, damnable, and evil,
The Pope, the Pretender, and the Devil.

them all hung on one rope,

Devil, the Pretender, and the Pope.

I wifh

The

To a Lady who

YOUR

kept her Five-pound Notes in her Bible.

Madam,

Bible,

Within the
Delightful

leaves

is

it

teems with wealth,

floats

the facred text,

But heavenly are the

notes.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

81

Footman Tom and Dr. Toe*

Tom and

'Twixr Footman

Dr. Toe

rivallhip befel,

Which

ihould become the fav'rite beau,

And

bear

away

the belle.

The Footman won the lady's heart;

And who can wonder ? No man
The whole prevail'd againft the part
'Twas Foot-ma.n

verfus

Z^-man.
HEBER.

On
DEAR

no reproach,

it

fhow'd a generous mind,

It

To

lady, think

the fame.

take poor

Who
Dear

Thomas

lady, think

it

no reproach,

mow'd you loved

To take poor Thomas
It

Who

in the coach,

rode before behind.

the more,
in the coach,

rode behind before.

Author unknown. From " Notes and Queries."

Reafon why Wales has no Poet.

O Cambria, thou haft tried in vain

form great poets ; and the caufe is plain.
Ap-Jones, Ap-Jenkins, and Ap-Evans found

'Tis faid,

To

Among

thy fons, but no

*
Halliwell, called Dr.
Brafenofe College.

Toe from

Ap- olio's

found.

his lamenefs,

was a Fellow of

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

82

On

Gibbon's Promotion
in

to

the

Board of Trade,

1779.

KING GEORGE in a fright,

Gibbon fhould write

Left

The

ftory of Britain's difgrace,

Thought no means more

His pen

Than
But

fure

to fecure

to give the hiftorian a place.

his caution

is

vain,

'Tis the curfe of his reign

That his projects fhould never fucceed

Though he wrote not

a line,

Yet a caufe of decline

In our author's example

we

read.

His book well defcribes

How

corruption and bribes

O'erthrew the great empire of Rome;

And

his writings declare

degeneracy there,
his conduct exhibits at home.

Which

RIGHT HON. C.

On

a Royal Librarian,

J.

Fox.

who guarded Beauties be

not enjoy.

TOM

Numfcull's

For keeping

fitted,

beyond meafure,

fafe the royal treafure

Learning to guard's the good man's

Nor does he take of it a jot ;

He

lot,

never has been e'en fufpected,

And on him none was

e'er detected.

could

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

Names of little

obferving fame

83

note recorded in the

Biograpbia Britannica.

FOND attempt to give

names ignoble, born

a deathlefs lot,

To

to be forgot!

In vain recorded in hiftoric page,

They court the notice of a future age;
Thofe twinkling tiny luflres of the land

Drop one by one from

fame's negledting hand!

Lethsean gulphs receive them as they fall,

And dark oblivion foon abforbs them all.

So when a

child, as playful children ufe,

Has burnt

to tinder a ftale laft year's

The

news,

flame extinft, he views the roving

fire,

There goes my lady, and there goes the fquire

There goes the parfon, O illuftrious fpark

And

there, fcarce

lefs illuftrious,

goes the clerk.

COWPER.

To an

ugly, talkative

IF you'd be married,

Wear

a mafk

To Pbilautus.

Old Maid.

firft

grow young
and hold your tongue.

From

the Latin of Buchanan.

NARCISSUS loved himfelf we know,

And you, perhaps, have caufe to fhow

Why you fhould do the fame ;

But he was wrong and, if I may,
:

Philautus, I will fay,

I think you more to blame.

He loved what others loved ; while you

Admire what other folks efchew.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

84

On
THOUGH

the Donkeys of Brighton.

Balaam's

Yet was

afs

many

got

He bore a Prophet on his

And faw an Angel fair.
Is

a thwack,

his fortune rare,

back,

not your fortune far more bright,

Ye Brighton donkeys, fay?

Who

carry Spirits* every night,

And

Angels every day

The Modern

Vox populi, vox Dei.

Courtier.

PRAY fay what's that which fmirking trips this way,

That powder'd thing, fo neat, fo trim, fo gay ?
Adorn'd with tambour'd

veft,

and fpangled fword

Oh

That

fupple fervile thing ?

You

an Englifh Peer ?
mould, with head, eftate, and confcience clear,

jeft

Who

that thing a Peer

that's a

Lord

Either in grave debate, or hardy fight,

Firmly maintain a free-born people's right:
Surely thofe lords were of another breed

Who

met

And,

clad in Heel, there in a glorious hour

the curft tyrant feel the people's pow'r

Made
Made him

their

monarch John

at

Runnimede

awful rod,
the voice of God.

confefs, beneath that

Their voice united

is

The Abbey Church

THESE

walls, fo full of

Show how
*

at Bath.

monuments and

buft,

Bath-waters ferve to lay the duft.

Donkeys were ufed

in fmuggling.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

85

In Ducem Buckingbamia.

Dux
Dux

and Crux are of a found,

doth Rex and Grex confound

Crux of Dux might have his fill,

Then Rex with Grex might work their
If

Five fubfidies to ten would turn

And Grex would

laugh, that

will

now

doth mourn

Rex, thy Grex doth grievoufly complain

That Dux bears Crux, and Crux not Dux again.

Pox
FELTON,*

Populi.

live for ever, for

thou haft brought to duft

Treafon, murder, pride, and luft.

From Notes taken out of an old MS. of Sir
John Oglander Charles I.'s reign.

Advice

COPY

to

Painters.

not Nature's form too clofely

Whene'er fhe

treats

As, for example,

let

your
us

fitter groffly.

now

fuppofe

Thurlow's black fcowl and Pepper Arden's nofe.

From LORD CAMPBELL'S Lives of the Chancellors.

PATRICIUS

The Ariflocrat.
" While

faid,

you've exiftence,

Keep, fon, plebeians at a diftance."

This fpeech a tailor overheard,

And

quick replied,

You'd thus
So deeply

"I

wifh,

my

Lord,

advifed, before your fon

in

my

debt had run."

* Aflafim of the

Duke of Buckingham.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

86

No
"ToM,
"

To

lend

me

Mortgage, no Cajb.

Tom's without

!"

fifty

a milling.

give a mortgage," Tom's cam then is found.

truft his old tried friend,
ifn't willing,
I'll

Tom

But

Tom

trufts implicitly his

ere long need counfel

may

For mortgage, not

From

woods and ground.

a curious

for

me,

MS.

from a

Tom

let

friend,

then fend.

of the middle of the feventeentb

century, in Sion College Library.

A WOMAN
For

faire I

dare not

wedd

weare Aftason's head.

feare I

A woman blacke always proud,

A woman little always loud.
A woman that tall of groth
is

is

Is

always fubjeft unto floth

For

faire

Some
From

or foule,

little

or

remaines amongft them

fault

De

the fame.

the fame.

On

all.

Sanitate et Medico.

HEALTH is a jewel, true, which

Phyficians value it accordingly.
From

tall,

Woman

when we buy,

that fell out with her

Hufband.

A WOMAN

lately fiercely did aflaile

Her hufband with

But one

that heard

(harp toung, but (harper nayle;

and faw it, to her faide,

"
Why do you ufe him thus, hee is your heade?"
"
" He is
my heade, indeed," faith me, 'tis true ;
Sir, I

may

fcratch

my

heade, and fo

may you."

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
From

CERTAIN

Would

the fame.

prieft that

lay

it

87

had much gold

in a cheft

Within the chancel, and thereon

Did write, " Hie Deus eft."

merry ladd whofe greedy mind

Did

feek for fuch a prey,

much

Negledling

the reverend

ftile

That on

the cafket lay,

out the gold, and blotting out

Took
The

Wrote,

p'fon's

"

Thy God
On

name

Refurrexit,

thereon,

non

eft

Ctefar Borgia's adopting for bis Motto,

C'a'far, aut nihil."

BORGIA Casfar

Aut

erat, faftis et

nihil, aut Caefar, dixit,

utrumque

Caefar, both in deeds

Caefar, or nought," he faid

" Aut

nomine Casfar ;

Tranjlated by F. C.

BORGIA was

"

hie,"

has rifen and gone.

fuit.

H.
and name

he both became.

Notes and Queries, Sept. 1859.

The Worm DoEtor.

VAGUS, advanced on high, proclaims his
cakes of wond'rous force the worms

By

fkill,

co kill;

fcornful ear the wifer fort impart,

And

laugh at Vagus's pretended art.

But well can Vagus what he

For man (as Job has told us)

boafts perform,
is

worm.
RELPH.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

88

On Judge

Man

Grofe condemning a

Bigamy

to

the payment of

One

convifted of

Shilling.

YE

gentlefolks all, here's a fecret worth knowing,

In Leicefterfhire wives are the cheapeft things going.
To back my aflertion this truth as fulfilling,

If you have a Grofe,

On

why you pay

the Earls of Spencer

Two

noble earls

whom,

but a Jbilling.

and Sandwich.
if I quote,

call me finner,
The one invented half a coat,
The other half a dinner.

Some

The

folks

might

plan was good, as fome will fay,

fitted to confole one,

And

Becaufe, in this poor ftarving day,

Few can afford a whole one.

On

WHEN Tom

the fame.

Macaulay's Indian

Where London's
Little he'll think

Of Waterloo
Yet England's

fits,

ruins ftretch afar,

of England's fame,

and Trafalgar.

earls e'en

then

fhall live,

Remember'd by our tawny cenfor,

Whilft yet he boafts his " Sandwich" box,
And wraps him in his " Spencer"*
*

Spencer devifed an overcoat without fkirts, called after its inmuch worn in former days by elderly gentleand Sandwich brought into fafliion the luncheon of feafoned
;

ventor a Spencer, and

men

meat between

flices

of bread and butter, which goes by his name.

From Notes and

Queries.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

WHY

pun

to define

89

the Pun.

do you make

much

fo

pother

'Tis but to fay one thing, while meaning another :

And the truth of this axiom, the way to decide is,

By rememb'ring

its

"

origin

Pitnica. fides."

From " Notes and Queries"

Mean Wit.

Too much

or too

little

wit

Do

only render the owners fit

For nothing, but to be undone

Much

eafier than if they

had none.

SAM. BUTLER.

On
THE

Voltaire.

abounds -with many a fnare,

one, and wit, however rare

path to blifs

Learning

is

The Frenchman
(Mention him,

With

fpirit,

if

firft

you

in literary fame,
pleafe,

Voltaire? the fame)

genius, eloquence fupplied,

Lived long, wrote much, laugh'd heartily, and died

The Scripture was his jeft-book, whence he drew

Eon

An

mots to gall the Chriftian and the Jew

but what when fick?

infidel in health,

Oh, then a text would touch him at

View him at Paris in his laft career,

the quick

Surrounding throngs the demi-god revere,

Exalted on his pedeftal of pride,

And fumed with

frankincenfe on every fide,

He begs their flattery with

And fmother'd in't at laft,

his lateft breath,

is

praifed to death.

COWPER.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

90

On Dr.

Hill, the S>jiack Doftor,

who wrote fame fad

doggr el poetry.
By a Junto of the Literary Club,
with Garrick at their bead.

THOU

eflence of dock,

and valerian, and

fage,

At once the difgrace and the peft of your age,

The worft that we wifli thee, for all thy fad crimes,
Is to take thy own phyfic, and read thy own rhymes.
Another / by the fame.

THE

wifh mould be in form reverfed

To
For

if

fuit the doctor's

he takes

crimes,

his phyfic _/?r/?,

He'll never read his rhymes.

Dr.

YE

Hill's

defperate Junto

Who

combat dukes,

Anfwer

ye great

to the

Junto.

or ye fmall

Whether gentlemen fcribblers, or poets

Your impertinent wifties mail certainly
I'll

take neither eflence, nor balfam of

Do you

doctors, the deuce, and

take the phyfic, and

all

fail.

honey

take the

I'll

them

in jail,

money.

Fear.

THERE

To

needs no other charm, nor conjurer,

raife infernal fpirits up, but fear ;

That makes men

pull their horns in, like a fnail,

That's both a pris'ner to

Draws more

itfelf,

fantaftic fhapes,

and

jail

than in the grains

Of knotted wood, in fome men's crazy brains

When all the cocks they think they fee, and bulls,
;

Are only

in the infide

of their

fkulls.

SAM. BUTLER.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

91

Sydney Smith's Ad-vice when the Dean and Canons of

St. Paul's complained of the delay in fixing the wood

pavement.

WHY

and

fret,

frit

your time away,

Grumbling about this wooden way ?

Juft put your heads together, friends,

And

in a trice

we've means

REV.

to ends.

C. NAPLETON.

J.

Succefsful Rogues.

ALL

thofe

who do

but rob and

Are punifhment and

And
In

need not

fear,

fteal

enough,

court-of-juftice proof,

nor be concern'd a ftraw

the idle bugbears of the law ;

confidently rob the gallows too,

all

But

As

well as other fufferers, of their due.

SAM. BUTLER.

NUBERE
Ducere

vis Prifco
te

non miror, Paulla

non vult Prifcus

et

ille

fapifti.

fapit,

To

marry Peter Polly wifely tries.

Peter won't have her
Peter, too,

On

Oxford.

By Cowper,

COULD Homer come

"
*

ford.

wife.

on being refufed a Subfcrip-

tion to his TranJJation

And
The

is

of Homer.

himfelf, diftrefs'd

and poor,

tune his harp at Rhedycina's* door,

rich old vixen would exclaim, I fear,

Begone

no tramper gets

a farthing here."

Rhedycina was formerly a commonly accepted name

for

Ox-

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

92

King Eladud and

bis Hogs.

WHEN

Bladud once efpied fame hogs

Lie wallowing in the fteaming bogs,

Where

iflue forth thofe fulphurous fprings

Since honour'd by more potent kings,
Vex'd at the brutes alone pofleffing,

What

He

ought t' have been a common bleffing,

drove them thence in mighty wrath,

And
The

built the ftately

town of Bath.

hogs, thus banifh'd by their prince,

Have lived in Briftol ever fince.
'

REV. MR. GROVES, of Claverton.

To Dr. Bentley, on

bis licentious

and

conceited

Alterations of Milton.

MILTON'S intemperate

ftudies oft

Did but deprive him of organic

Thou haft obfcured

And now the book

On

by night
fight

the rays of his bright mind,

is like

the author

blind.

two Deans.

As Cyril* and Nathan f were walking by Queen's,

" We two are both

And bifhops perhaps we mall be!"
" You
may but as I never
Says Nathan,

Says Cyril to Nathan,

I will take care

And

leave

Cyril Jackfon,

of my

you

little

deans,

mall,

canal,

to look for the See."

Dean of Chrift Church.

Wetherall, Dean of Hereford, father of Sir Charles

Wetherall, of Briftol notoriety, who had purchafed many {hares in
the Oxford canal at a time of their extreme depreciation.

\ Nathan

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

the occafeon of

93

Mr. Baron Alder-son and Mr.

Patte-soN, fame years fence, balding the

Ajjiz.es at Cambridge, Mr. Gun-son was appointed
to preach the AJJize Sermon, when, next morning,
Juftice

the following

lines

were fent by the poft

to

the

Judges.

a Juftice, a Preacher, fons three,

BARON,

The
The

Preacher, zfon of a

Baron, he

Whokfon

is

Gun was

the fan of a tree

the Juflice

is,

he;
;

cannot well

fee,

But read him Pater-fon ; and all will agree,

That thefon of his father the Juftice muft be.

The Clown's Anfwer.

UPON fome

And met

Tom

hafiy errand

his parifh curate as

was

fent,

he went

But, juft like what he was, a forry clown,

It feems he pafs'd him with a cover'd crown.

The gownman
"
"

I doubt,

Why,

my
"

ay

Thank God

On

ON

ftopp'd, and, turning, fternly faid

lad, you're far

worfe taught than fed !"

"

Tom, ftill jogging on,

feeds me
but I'm taught

fays
!

he

the Bibacitj of Pitt

fome

toil to

imitate the wife

Though few like Fox can

Yet all like Fox can game

by you"

and the Gambling of Fox.

folly every fool his talent tries

It afks

that's true

fpeak

like Pitt

like Pitt

can think

can drink.

Real Mourners.

WHEN
His

all

his fortune

relatives

were

Harpax gave

real

mourners

the poor,

fure.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

94

On

Milton's Executioner, Bentley.

DID Milton's

profe,

Charles, thy death defend?

furious foe unconfcious proves a friend.

On

Milton's verfe does Bentley

comment

Know

weak officious friend becomes a foe ;

While he would feem his author's fame

The murderous

to further,

avenged thy murther.

critic has

Woman's

KIND Peggy kifs'd her hufband, with thefe words

" Mine own fweet Will, how
dearly I love thee."
:

" If
" the world nonefuch affords :"
true," quoth Will,

And

that

'tis

For ne'er was

true I dare her warrant be;

woman

But loved always

On
BY

yet, or

her

beft

good or

own

Foote, the Aftor.

turns transform'd into

all

kind of mapes,

Conftant to none, Foote laughs,

Now
The

in the centre,

Proteus

His

ftrokes

Are

all

fhifts,

ill,

fweet will.

now

in

cries, ftruts,

van or

and fcrapes;

rear,

bawd, parfon, auctioneer.

of humour, and his burfts of fport,

contain'd in this one word
diftort.

On
MATURE

Shadwell, the Dramatic Poet.

in dulnefs

Shadwell, alone of

Who

from
all

my

his tender years,

fons

is

he

ftands confirm 'd in full ftupidity;

The reft to fome faint meaning make pretence;

But Shadwell never deviates into fenfe.
DRYDEN'S Mac Flecknoe.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Roman

A FATHER afk'd
Who forthwith
"

95

Catholic Confeffton.

the prieft his boy to blefs,

him he muft

told

confefs

firft

Well," quoth the boy, "fuppofe I'm willing,

What

is

" Muft

"To

your charge?"

men pay

all

And

you

all

it is

a Ihilling."

men make

confeffion

"
?

" Yes
every one of Catholic profeffion."
" "
" And whom do
you confefs to ?
Why, the dean."
" And does he
" Yes a whole thirteen."
?"
charge you
!

" And do

the deans confefs?"

"

Yes, boy, they do,

Confefs to bifhops, and pay fmartly too."
bimops, Sir, confefs ? if fo, to whom ?"

"Do

"
Why,
"

they confefs, and pay the Pope of Rome."

" all this is
Well," quoth the boy,
mighty odd.

And

does the Pope confefs ?"

"And does God charge the

" Oh

God."

yes, to

" No,"
quoth

Pope?"

the prieft,

" Oh

" God
charges nothing."

He is both able
To Him I ftiall

then,

God

True Benevolence.

" THE other

day," fays Ned to Joe,
Near Bedlam's confines groping,
" Whene'er I hear the cries of woe,

My hand
"

is

and willing
confefs, and fave my milling."
to forgive

own,"

is

always open."

fays Joe,

"

that to the poor

(You prove it ev'ry minute)

Your hand is open, to be fure,
But then

there's

nothing in

it."

beft.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

96

The Old Gentry.

all from Adam firft began
Sure none but Whifton doubts

THAT
And

and

that his fon,

Were ploughmen,
Here
Your

now,
fome foon ;

the

left

the only difference

fires in

And

clowns, and louts.

fhot off late,

lies

Some

his fon's fon,

morning

off plough,

ours in th' afternoon.

DEAN

On
THOU

prieft

the

SWIFT.

Abbe Tencin.*

of too feraphic

zeal,

Plague on thy power to convince,

Who, teaching Law at mafs to kneel,

Made France do penance

On

the

New

Foreign Office.

PAM, who with whitewafh

May

all

jeer at the pofitive order

London would
of

But the veto he puts upon Scott

Pam's negative order's a pofitive

To a Friend

ever fince.

in Diftrefs ;

Nam

is

from

fplafh,

far worfe,

curie.

the Latin of

Owen,

WISH thy lot, now bad, ftill worfe, my friend,

For when at worft, they fay, things always mend.
I

COWPER.
* Tencin converted the charlatan

Law

to the Catholic faith, in

him for undertaking the financial plans of the

Regent Orleans, which ended in the bankruptcy of the country.
\ Scott and Nafli, two eminent architects.
order to qualify

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

E. Burke, for

Warren

bis boftility to

OFT have we wonder'd

on

that

Irifli

Haftings.

ground

No

poifonous reptile has e'er yet been found

Reveal'd the fecret Hands of Nature's work,

She faved her venom

to create a

Burke.*

Job's Luck.

SLY Beelzebub took

To
He
He

all

try Job's conftancy

occafions

and patience

took his honours, took his health,

took his children, took his wealth,

His camels,
Still

horfes, afies, cows,

the fly devil did not take his fpoufe.

But heav'n, that brings out good from

And
Had

evil,

likes to difappoint the devil,

predetermined to reftore

Two-fold of all Job had

His children, camels,

before,

afles,

cows,

Short-fighted devil, not to take his fpoufe.

S.

On
ERASMUS, {landing

Erafmus.

'fore hell's tribune, faid,

" For
writing jeft I am in
The judge replied, " Jefts
Sport was thy
*

Burke was

perfevering of all

fault,

then

earneft paid."
will in earneft hurt,
let

thy pain be fport."

a native of Ireland,

W.

T. COLERIDGE.

and was the moft aftive and

H.'s enemies in a

trial

which lafted (even years.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

98

Choker for Church-Rate Abolition.

" WHERE'S Church-rate

repeal?" Trelawny may
'tis
Alas
hung up in laft Wednefday's tie*

cry

Porforfs

Epigram on

his

Academic

Pijits to

the Continent.
I WENT to Frankfort, and got drunk
With that moft learn'd profeflbr Brunck
I

went

With

more

that

From
THERE'S a

Worts, and got more drunken

to

lie

Ruhncken.

learn'd profeflbr

the Latin of Buchanan.

on thy cheek

in

its

rofes,

echoed back by thy glafs,

Thy necklace on greenhorns impofes,
And the ring on thy finger is brafs.
lie

Yet thy tongue, I affirm, without giving an inch back,

Outdoes the (ham jewels, rouge, mirror, and pinchbeck.

From Buchanan.

BEAUTIFUL

But he faw

Thou

nymph

in the

wifh'd Narciflus to pet her,

fountain one be loved

haft look'd in his mirror

much

and loved

better.

but they

tell us,

No

rival will teafe thee, fo

never be jealous.

* The refult of the late divifion on

Church-rates, equality of
votes on either fide, cannot but be faid to conftitute, between
Churchmen and Diflenters, a connection which
be confidered

may

as

forming a moft intimate

tie.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

99

Inclofures.

'Tis bad enough in man or woman

To Heal a goofe from off a common

But furely

Who

fleals

the

common from

On
IF heaven

If hell

is

is

he's without excufe

the goofe.

Bijbop Burnet.

when finners ceafe

when finners enter in,

to fin,

pleafed

pleafed

men are pleafed at

Then all are pleafed
If

parting with a knave,

for Burnet's in his grave.

Againft Sheep-farming : a Syftem introduced and carried

to excefs
by the Monaftic bodies, 1598.

SHEEPE have eate up our meadows and our downes,

Our corne, our wood, whole villages and townes.
Yea, they have eate up

many wealthy men,

Befides widowes, and orphane childeren

Befides our ftatutes and our iron lawes,

Which they have fwallow'd down into their maws.

now I thought the proverbe did but jell,
Which faid a blacke fheepe was a biting bealt.

Till

Fourth Book of Cbreftoleros, by T. B.

On Woman's
THAT

To
For

man's a

fool

who

tries

by

Will.
art

and

flem the torrent of a woman's will

if

And

me

if (he

will,

me

will,

fkill,

you may depend

on't,

won't, fhe won't, and there's an end on't.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

ioo

Love.

LOVE

By

is

begot by fancy, bred

ignorance, by expectation fed

Deftroy'd by knowledge, and,

Loft in the

moment

On Lord Palmerjion's

'tis

at beft,

poflefs'd.

Retirement from Lord

John Ru/elPs

Minijlry.

NEVER fear, my Lord John, fince Palmerfton goes,

That the popular breath you will catch lefs
;

For, rid of that Lucifer, every one knows

Your cabinet then will be matchlefs.

From Martial.

NEVER

without boar's-head, a noble gourmand

to fup

fwore

Quite right, my Lord, where'er you fup, we'll always

have a bore
!

From

the fame.

fome copies of my poem

You
John Murray fells the book you know him.
You tell me you won't purchafe tralh
aflc

Nor

I, for triflers, part

On Two

my

cam.

Bankrupt Bankers of Cork, named

Gonne and Going.

GOING and gone

For Gonne

is

are

now

all

one,

going, and Going's gone.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

101

Malone, who whitewajhed Sbakefpearis Tombjione,

and edited bis Plays with Notes.

STRANGER

whom

to

monument

this

Invoke the poet's curfe upon Malone

Whofe meddling

And

is

mown,

zeal his barbarous tafte difplays,

fmears his tombftone, as he marr'd his plays.

GENERAL FITZPATRICK.
Off the River Hans-fur- LeJ/e, in
Belgium.

OLD

Euclid

may go

to the wall,

For we've folved what he never could

How

the

fifti

guefs,

in the river are/ma//,

But the river they

live in is Lejffe.

From " N. an
Upon Anne

ANNE
What

On Dr.

is

is

--

's

Marriage with a Lawyer.

an angel, what if fo me be ?
an Angel but a lawyer's Fee ?*

Parr's place as Reader to Queen

being fupplied by a gentleman of the

name
THERE'S

<?/"

FELLOWES.

a difference

between

Dr. Parr and the Queen,

For the reafon you need not go

The Dodlor

Of certain

Whom

the

is

far

jealous

little

Queen

Caroline

Fellowes,

thinks

much above Par!

* In former times there was a

gold coin called an Angel, the
amount of a lawyer's fee, gave

value of which, being the exadl

birth to the above epigram.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

102

On

named Homer.

the Bankruptcy of a Per/on

THAT Homer

fhould a bankrupt be,

Is not fo very Odd-tfye-fee :

If it be true, as I'm inftrufted,

So lll-he-had

his

books conducted.

On Mac-Adam,
"

My

the Roadmaker.

"
Eflay on Roads," quoth Mac-Adam,

The

refult

of a

But does not the

life's

lucubration

lies

there,

title-page look rather bare?

I Jong for a Latin quotation."

Delphin edition of Virgil flood nigh,

To fecond his claffic defire

When the roadmaker hit on the
;

" Miror
magis,"

fhepherd's reply,

I rather add, mire.

" N. an

On Rome.
HATE and debate Rome through the
Yet Roma amor is, if backward read
Then is it ftrange Rome hate fhould
For out of backward love

On Mr.
STRANGE
Its

fofter

No

hate doth grow.

Gully being returned

is it,

M.P.for

Pontefraft.

proud PontefradVs borough fhould

fame by returning

The

all

world hath fpread,

;

fully

to parliament Gully.*

etymological caufe, I fuppofe,

His breaking the bridges of

fo

is

many

nofes.

HORACE SMITH.
*

Gully was

a prizefighter.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

THE

To
But

the

Scottifh

New

Pavement

new pavement

in London,

103

1764.

deferves well our praife:

the Scots we're obliged, too, for

mending our ways

we can

never forgive, for they fay,

As that they have taken our pofts all away.
this

The Bible under

WHEN

I call'd t'other

day on

Fetters.

a noble

renown'd,

In his great marble hall lay the Bible well bound

Nor printed by Baiket, and bound up in black,

But chain'd

to the floor, like a thief, by the back.

Unacquainted with tone, and your quality airs,
I

fuppofed

it

intended for family prayers.

His piety pleafed, I applauded his zeal,

Yet thought none would venture the Bible

to fteal

But judge my furprife when inform'd of the cafe,

He had chain'd it for fear it would fly in his face.
See

MSS.from Cumberland

Journal, 1798.

Prudent Advice.

LET him who

Nor him
Nor him
Nor him

hates dancing ne'er go to a ball,

to the

ocean

whom

dangers appal

who already has

court who will fpeak

to a feaft

dined,

to a

out his mind.

Road

to

Poverty y from the Greek.

THE broad highway to poverty and need

Is, much to build, and many mouths to feed.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

104

The Hiflory of a Cafe Jborty

a
Mafter in Chancery*
reported by

Forenjic Jocularities.

No.

MR. LEACH made

Angry,

Mr.

a fpeech,

neat, but

Mr. Hart, on

Was

Chancery Suit.

wrong

the other part,

profy, dull, and long.

Bell fpoke very well,

Though nobody knew about what

Mr. Trower talk'd for an hour,
Sat

down,

fatigued,

and hot.

Mr. Parker made the cafe darker,

Which was dark enough without ;
Mr. Cooke quoted his book,
And the Chancellor faid, / doubt.
SIR G. ROSE.

No.

2.

Forenjic Jocularity.

WOMAN, having
Married a

a fettlement,

man with none ;

The

queftion was, he being dead,

If that me had was gone.

Quoth

Sir

John

Pratt,

" Her

fettlement

Sufpended did remain

Living the hufband, but him dead,
It did revive again."

Chorus of Puifne Judges

Living the hufband, but him dead,
It did revive again.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

105

From

A MAN

the Greek of Plato.

found a treafure

Running

;
and, what's very ftrange,
off with the cafh, left a rope in exchange :

The poor owner, at miffing his gold, full of grief,

Hung himfelf with the rope which was left by the
From

THE

the Greek

Mufes

to

author unknown.

Herodotus one day

Came, nine of them, and dined

And, in return, their holt to pay,

They

left a

thief.

book behind.

Pre-RaJfaelifm.
IF at a diftance

Make

you would paint

out each tingle

briftle

a pig,

of

his

back

Or, if your meaner fubjeft be a wig,

Let not the caxon a diflinttnefs lack
Elfe

all

the lady-critics will fo flare,

And, angry, vow

"'tis not a bit like hair!'

Claude's diftances are too confufed

One

floating fcene

nothing made out

For which he ought to be abufed,

Whofe works have been fo cried about.

Give

me

Makes

And

the pencil whofe amazing flyle

a bird's beak
appear at

twenty mile

view, eyes, legs, and claws will bring,

With every feather of his tail and wing.
PETER PINDAR.
to

my

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

io6

The Sages Wit.

As

lately a fage

(Though

He

on

fine

ham was

exclaim'd to a friend,

"

What

repafting,

for breakfaft too favoury, I

who

ween,)
and fading,

fat filent

a breakfaft of learning

is

mine !"

"

"

Why, what is it elfe ?" the fage quickly replied,

" When I'm
making large extrafts from Bacon?"

with wonder he cried,

breakfaft of learning!"

And

laugh'd, for he thought

him miftaken

On Sir John Leach.

WHILE Lord Eldon was obtaining for

his

court the

character of a court of oyer fans terminer, the conduel: of the Mafter of the Rolls in 'bis court of terminer

fans oyer was thus celebrated by one as caufelefs

caufe

as the

JUDGE

fat

on the judgment bench,

was he ;

A jolly judge
He
"

faid

unto the regiftrar,

Now

call a

caufe to

me."

" There is.no

caufe," faid Regiftrar,
And laugh'd aloud with glee,
"A
Leacb hath
them
I

On

cunning
can call no caufe to

Sir

difpatch'd

John Leacb going over from

to

examine

You can

its

have been

nature and powers,

hardly expeft

Having

the Oppi^tion

the Tories.

THE Leach you've juft bought fhould firft

To

all,

thee.'*

it

will flick to

fall'n off fo lately

your
from ours.

fide,

tried,

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

107

Written on a Piece of Glafs, the fftietb of an Inch in

length, and the two-hundredth of an Inch in width.

POINT within an epigram to find,

In vain you often try ;
But here an epigram within a point

You

plainly

may

defcry.*

Sent with a Couple of Ducks

a Patient.

to

By

the late Dr. Jenner.

I'VE difpatch'd, my dear Madam, this fcrap of a letter,
is
very much better ;
fay that Mifs

To

regular dodlor

And

no longer

me

lacks,

therefore I've fent her a couple of quacks.

The Two Knots.

IF

'tis

to

marry when the knot

is

tied,

then they marry who at Tyburn ride ;

And if that knot till death is loofed by none,
Why then to marry and be hanged's all one.

Why

The above

is

in the pofleflion of a

pical Society.

One

is

member of the Microfco" N. and

Q."

reminded by the above of Homer's Iliad in a nut, which

book vu. chap, xxi, who fays it was copied in fo

refers to Pliny,

fmall a hand that the whole

nuce inclufam
Cicero."

lliada

Homed

work

could

carmen,

in

lie

in a walnut-fliell

membrana

"in

fcriptum tra-

Pliny's authority is Cicero apud Gellium, ix. 421.

Huet's account of a fimilar experiment in the Gentleman's Magazine, vol. xxxix. p. 347.
didit

See

alfo

M.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

io8

Laureate Epigram, written by Canning or Porfon.

POETIS nos laetamur tribus,

amice fcire quibus,

Pye, Petro Pindar, parvo

Si vis

Pybus,

Si ulterius ire pergis

Addatur

The
You

Sir

rule in

James Bland Burges.

grammar,

if

you

try,

there will find the pronoun qui

Declining down to quibus.

To poets the fame laws apply ;

So, if the firft is Laureate Pye,
The

laft is

furely Pybus.

Modern Economy.

TOM taken by Tim his new manfion to view,

He obferved " 'twas a big one, with windows
" As

too few.

" I'm

the builder's forgiver,

For taxes 'twill fave, and that's good for the liver."
for that," replied

" True,"

fays

Tim,

Tom, "

as

you

live

upon

farthings

and

mites,

For the liver

'tis

good

but

'tis

A Bit for

bad for the lights."

Dinner.

As a man and his horfe had juft tarried one day

At an inn, and the oftler was bringing fome hay,
" It muft be
the
irkfome
Says

man,

very

indeed,

With bits in their mouths for the horfes to feed."

" Not at
" unlefs I'm a
all," fays the oilier,
finner,
I've a bit in my mouth every day at my dinner."
*

He

was named Charles Small Pybus.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

109

By an Old Gentleman, wbofe daughter Arabella

importuned him for Money.

DEAR Bell, to gain money, fure, lilence is beft,

For dumb Bells are fitteft to open the cheft.
" Bis
dot, qui cito dat"
CRIES Dick to Ned, " Attend to my advice,
Give a thing quickly, and you give it twice."
"
"

I've felt
It

your proverb's force,"

Ned

archly cries,

was your quicknefs gave me two black eyes."

SIR CLAUDIUS STEPHEN HUNTER, Bart. Lord Mayor

of London in 1811, was fo proud of his horfemanmip
that he was to be feen every day difplaying himfelf to
his civic fubjefts, gracefully difporting on a white horfe.

This probably fuggefted the following epigram

Hunter, Mayor.

AN

Emp'ror of Rome,

A
The

who was

conful his borfe did declare

famous for whim,

:

City of London, to imitate him,

have made a Lord Mayor.

Of a Hunter

MY

thrifty fpoufe, her tafte to pleafe,

With

rival

dames

at auctions vies

She doats on everything fhe

And
I

fees,

everything (he doats on buys.

tafte am quite enchanted :

with her

Such

coftly wares, fo wifely fought

Wanted, becaufe

may be wanted
they may be bought.

Bought, becaufe they

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

no

Folly s Fajbion.

WHEN

dreff'd for the evening the girls

now-a-days

Scarce an atom of drefs on them leave,

Nor blame them

But a drefs that

On

for
is

what

is

fuited for

an evening drefs
Eve.

an Ignorant, Lying Prieft.

whims he feels,
when he ftands or kneels

fo ftrange the

MENDAX,

Ne'er reads but

with furprife,
Whene'er hefpeaks, he always lies.

And, you

On
"

will hear

it

a Lady wearing the Miniature of an Unworthy

Per/on jufpended round her Neck.

WHAT, hang from the neck of a lady !" cries Bill,

" Was ever fuch
folly and impudence known?

As

to hanging, indeed,

But

as to the

neck

On
PETER WHITE

he

let it

may hang where he

one Peter White.

will ne'er

Would you know

go right

the reafon

Where'er he goes, he follows

And

Thy

why

his nofe,

that ftands all awry.

Infcribed on the

SCOTLAND

will,

be by his own."

Window of a

Scottijb Inn.

thy weather's like a modifh wife,

winds and rain for ever are at flrife ;
!

Like thee the termagants their bluftering try,

And when they can no longer fcold, they cry.

in

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

" that to Le a Poet

bearing an Ignorant Man ajfert
is the next
thing to being a Fool."

On
"

POET," cries Bubo,

And," he

"

adds,

"

is

next to a fool,

{how

the experience of ages will

it;"

But Bubo himfelf gives the lie to the rule,

For he proves that a fool's very far from a poet.

On

one banged at

ONE morn two

To

the Pages of Punch.

Newgate ; from

friends before the

fee a culprit throttled

chanced

Newgate drop,
to Hop
:

" Alas !'' cried

one, as railed in air he fpun,
" That miferable wretch's race is run."
"
" to his coft
cried the other
True,"

The

race

dryly,

is

run

A
WHY
The

afs

but by a neck

'tis

loft."

Natural Deduflion.

e is long-lived at

was always famed

once appears,
of ears.

for length

P.

On "

the Tuft Hunter."

DUKE once declared

That whatever he

liked

and moil folemnly too

with his own he would do;

But the fon of a duke has farther gone,

He will do what he likes with what ifn't

own.

his

LORD W. LENNOX.
Hitting the Right Nail on the Head.

THE Whigs

referable nails.

Becaufe, like nails,

when

How

fo,

my

mafter

beat, they hold the

fafter.
P.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

ii2

Carrots

WHY
(I

clajficallj conjidered.

fcorn red hair

note

it

The

we know,

Greeks,

here in charity)

Had tafte in beauty, and with them

The Graces were all Xdgirat
!

P.

The Poet foiled,

To

win the maid the poet

tries,

And

fonnets writes to Julia's eyes ;

She likes a verfe, but, cruel whim,

She

ftill

appears a-verfe to him.

PUNCH.
Conjiftency.

No

wonder Tory landlords flout

" Fix'd
Duty," for 'tis plain
With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
Muft go againft the grain.
P.

On

Farren, the Aftor.

IF Farren, clevereft of

men,

Should go to the right about,

What part of town will he be then

Why, "Farren-done-without

!"

P.

Black and White.

THE
And

Tories

vow

the

Whigs

are black as night.

boaft that they are only blefs'd

with

Peel's politics to both fides fo incline,

He may

be

call'd the equinottial line.

P.

light.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

Charles Kean, the

A8 or.

As Romeo, Kean, with awkward

On

Ah

velvet

refts, 'tis faid

113

grace,

did he feek a fofter place,

re It upon his head.

He'd

P.

Ufeful Ally.

" CRACK'D China mended "

!

Zounds, man, off

this

minute!
There's work for you, or

elfe the

deuce

is

in

it

P.
Pride.

FITZSMALL,

To
Will

who

ileal a

drinks with knights and lords,

mare of

notoriety,

you, in important words,

mixes in the beft fociety.

tell

He

P.

On

Napoleon's Statue at Boulogne turned, by defign or

accident, with its back to England.

UPON

its

column's ftand

lofty

takes his place

Napoleon
His back Hill turn'd upon that land
That never faw his face.
:

P.
not Extraordinary.

Inqueft

GREAT

And

Bulwer's works

in a

moment,

lo

fell

on Mifs

the

maid was dead

Bafbleu's head,
!

and found the verdift plain

jury
" She died of milk and water on the brain"
fat,

P.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

14

"

"
"

WONDER

if

Vox etpraterea

Brougham

nihil."

thinks as

much

as

he talks,"

Said a punfter perufing a trial.

I vow, fince his lordfliip was made Baron

He's been

Faux

et

Vaux

praterea nibil"
P.

On

the

Name

IJlands),

of Keopalani (Queen of the Sandwich

which Jtgnifes " the dropping of the clouds

from Heaven"
THIS name's

As

the beft that could be given,

by proof be quickly feen ;

For " dropping from the clouds from Heaven"
will

She was, of courfe, the raining Queen.

P.

Very

THE

firft

like

a Whale.

of all the royal infant males

title of the Prince of Wales ;

Should take the

Becaufe 'tis clear to feamen and to lubber,

Babies and whales are both inclined to blubber.
P.

LISETTE has

loft

The Caufe.
her wanton

wiles

What fecret care confumes her

And circumfcribes her fmiles ?
Afpeck on a front

youth,

tooth.

P.

On

the dulnefs of a Debate in the Houfe of

and the little intereft felt in it.

No

wonder

'Neath fuch

the debate

fell

dead

a conftant fire of lead.

P.

Commons

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

an

M.P. who

115

recently got his' Election at the Sacri-

Political

fce of bis

Charafter.

His degradation is complete,

His name with lofs of honour branding:
When he refolved to win his feat

He

literally loft his {landing.

P.

On

the Price of admiffion to fee the

I

WOULD

An

not pay a coin to

animal

Surely the

much

Mammoth

Horfe.

fee

larger;

mammoth

horfe muft be

Rather an overcbarger.
P.

Fortunate Stars.

"Mr

ftars!"

cried a

courtier, with

ftars

and

lace

twirl'd,

" What
homage we nobles command
"
"
lord," faid a
True,

my

wag,

in the

world

though the world has

its jars,

Some people owe much

On

to their
fortunate ftars

the Four Georges.

GEORGE
Vile

And

the Firft was always reckon'd

but viler George the Second ;
what mortal ever heard

Any good of George the Third ?

When from earth the Fourth defcended,
God be praifed, the Georges ended.

W.

"
!

S.

LANDO&.

I"

n6

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

Reafonfor thick Ankles.

" HARRY, I cannot think,"

fays Dick,
" What makes
my ankles grow fo thick."
" You do not recoiled,"
fays Harry,

" How

great a ca/fthey have to carry."

JOE hates a hypocrite

Self-love

The

Georges.

is

which mows

not a fault of Joe's!

George

Star of BrunfwicR.

I.

HE preferr'd Hanover to England,

He preferr'd two hideous miftrefTes
To a beautiful and innocent wife.
He hated arts and defpifed literature;
But he

And
And

liked train-oil in his falads,

gave an enlighten'd patronage to bad oyfters.

he had Walpole as a minifter ;

Conliflent in his preference for every kind of corruption.

W. M. THACKERAY.
George II.
IN moft things I did as my father had done,
I was falfe to my wife and I hated my fon
:

My
My

fpending was fmall, and

my

avarice

much,

kingdom was Englifh, my heart was High-Dutch

fight I was known not to blench,

At Dettingen

I butcher'd the Scotch,

I neither
I

wafn't

and

bearded the French

had morals, nor manners, nor wit ;

much

Here

fet

With

Pitt

mifs'd

when

up my
on his knees
ftatue,

died in a

and make
at

my

it

fit.

complete,

dirty old feet.

W. M.

T.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

117

George III.

GIVE me

The

a royal niche

it is

my

due,

virtuoufeft king the realm e'er

knew.

through a decent reputable life

Was conftant to plain food, and a plain wife.,
Ireland I rifk'd, and loft America ;

But dined on

My

legs

of mutton every day.

brain, perhaps, might be a feeble part

When

all

had an Englifh heart

the kings were proftrate, I alone

But yet I think

Stood face to face againft Napoleon.

Nor ever could the ruthlefs Frenchman forge
A fetter for Old England and old George.
I let loofe

met

flaming Nelfon on his

fleets

with Wellefley's bayonets.

waved
my flag on land and fea;
Triumphant
Where was the king in Europe like to me ?
I

his troops

Monarchs

exiled found fhelter

on

my

fhores,

My

bounty refcued kings and emperors.

But what boots vidlory by land and fea?

What
I

was

boots that kings found refuge at my knee

a conqueror, but yet not proud;

And carelefs, even though Napoleon bow'd.

The refcued kings came kifs my garment's hem,
The refcued kings I never heeded them.

My guns

roar'd triumph, but I never heard

All England thrill'd with joy, I never ftirr'd.

What care had I of pomp, or fame, or power,

crazy old blind

man

in

Windfor Tower?

W. M.

T.

n8

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

George IV.

He

left

an Example for Age andfor

Youth

HE

to

never afted well by

And was

avoid.

man

or

woman,

as falfe to his miftrefs as to his wife.

He deferted his friends and his principles.

He was fo ignorant that he could fcarcely fpell
But he had fome

fkill

in cutting out coats,

And an undeniable tafle for cookery.

He built the palaces of Brighton and of Buckingham,
And for thefe qualities and proofs of genius,
An admiring ariftocracy
Chriften'd

him the "Firft Gentleman

in

Europe."

Friends, refpecl the king whofe ftatue is here,

And the generous arillocracy who admired him.

W. M. T.,from
On

the pages of Punch.

the long Speeches of the French Deputies about the

Liberty of the Prefs.

THE French enjoy freedom they fay

And where is the man who can doubt
;

it?

For they have, it is clear, every day

The freedom of talking about it.

On One famous for

relating anecdotes bordering on the

miraculous, having added an attic to his houfe near

Richmond.
IT happen'd that the other day
Up Richmond Hill I chanced to

ftray,

And there beheld the exaltation

Of Juilice
's habitation
" Ha Ha " cried
"
I,
thy joy and
:

Is Hill, I fee

to raife a

ftory."

glory

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

A Fa/hion.
A WAY

uq

Crinoline.

to dress

In the mode I guefs

Picks a hufband's bones quite clean,

And

poor Mr. Spratt

Muft

And

cry,

" No

fat,"

wife will cri

his

no

lene.

The Poor Curate.

FOR

the Reftor in vain through the parim you'll fearch,

But the Curate you'll find living bard by the church.

The

WITH

Preference.

heels quite light,

Tom

Tom

Next week,

Why

to the

wars departed

Nitre he preferr'd to brimftone.

The Judge's Wit s

A MAN

or

Maiming

not Murder.

of fmall fenfe

Once made

On

and lighter hearted,

Church with Nelly Grimfton

tripp'd to

a trial

his defence

with feeming pompofity

But proved pretty well

He

could but

For he made
Either

ill

fpell,

ufe of the

Denman

word

"curofity !"

or Chitty,

(Both equally witty,)

"How he murders the language!" did cry out;
" 'Tis not murder," faid Beft ;

"

It

muft be confefs'd,

But merely the knocking an

out."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

I2O

On a Mr.

Perfeffs comparing a certain author

to a

knave of Spades.
PERFECT, for

Now

fatire fo

rcnown'd,

the lafh he

feels

meant

for

me.

I'm but the pidure of a knave,

A perfett
On

knave

who bad her Portrait

a Lady

ufed

" COME

to

my

fay you,

taken,

and fometimes

beat her Hujband.

hither, Sir John,

What
"I

in all his adions, he.

my

pidure

love, does

it

is

here,

ftrike

you ?"

does juft at prefent, my dear,

But I think it foon will, it's fo like you."
can't fay

it

The
"

MY

Tom,

head,

's

Retort.

confufed with your nonfenfe and

bother,
It goes in at

" Of

that,

one ear and out at the other."

my

friend Dick, I

For nonfenfe your head

is

was ever aware,

pure thoroughfare."

SAYS Johnny to Paddy, " I can't for my life

Conceive how a dumb pair are made man and wife,
Since they can't with the form and parfon accord."
Says Paddy,

On

"You

fool,

they take each other's word."

being locked in Kenjtngton Gardens, the gates

of which are Jhut at nine o'clock p.m.

FROM
As

Paradife,
a

Adam

and Eve were fhut out

punimment due

to their fin,

mould you loiter about,

For your punimment you'll be Ihut in !

But here

after nine,

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

121

Legal Jeu-d'Efprit.*

Argument for.
BAPTIZED a baby,
Fit fate labe ;

As

the a6l

makes him,
takes him.

So the Church

Argument
Unlefs he be

We

very

And,

againft.
fit,

much doubt

it;

devil a bit

Is it valid

without

it.

Judgment.
Bifliop

and vicar,

do you bicker
Each with his brother,

Why

Since both are right,

Or

one

is

As wrong

quite
as the other

Adjudication.

Bifhop nonfuited,
un refuted,

Prieft

To

be inftituted,

Colts deliberative,

Pondering well,

Each

The
*

take * Jhell,

lawyers The Native.

The above was handed about

at

the time of the

Gorham

appeal to the Privy Council, as from the pen of Sir George Rofe.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

122

Gorham

Controverfy.

Chorus and Semi-Chorus of People on the above.

HURRAH
Hurrah

for the bifhop

Hurrah

for the vicar

row, that grows thicker and thicker

the Church, that grows ficker and ficker!

for the

Alas for

Moral.

Odium
In a

But

tbeologicum to fifli up,

is a curfe ;

prieft

in right reverend bifhop

Ecce ter quaterque worfe

4>.

E. D.

If the vicar's a peft,

The

bifhop ecce turpior eft.

SIR GEORGE ROSE.

On

the Kit-Cat Club.

WHENCE deathlefs
Few critics can
Some

Kit-Cat took

its

name

unriddle,

from paftry-cook it came,

fome from Cat and Fiddle.

fay

And

From no
Grey

trim beaux

its

name

5r

ftatefmen or green wits

But from

Of old

boafts,
;

pell-mell pack of toafts

Cats and young Kits!
POPE.

its

On

Michaelmas Day.

FIVE thoufand geefe this day are doom'd to die,

What dreadful havoc 'mongft fociety !

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Lines

to

"
"

Qui

123

the Court of Infohent Debtors.

Rifu folvuntur Tabula?."

niger, et captivus

eram, candore nivali

Splendidus, egredior carcere, liber homo.

Solvuntur curs ; folvuntur vincula ferri ;
Solvitur attonitus creditor
in lacrymas.
Solvor ego ; tantum non folvitur zes alienum
non folvendo rite folutus ero."

The following tr(inflation is faid to be by the late Rev.

R. H. Barbam, author of the " Ingoldjby Legends.'"''

A BLACKLEG late, and prifoner, hence I go

In whitewafh'd fplendour, pure as unfunn'd fnow;
DiiTolved my bonds; diffolved my cares and fears;

My

very creditors diffolved

All queftions folved

in tears

the Aft refolves

me

free,

Abfolved in abfolute infolvency.

Qccajioned by the recent Poifonings at

"PuLL

When

Hong Kong.

baker,"* in England's the cry,

their prowefs thofe black and -white combatants
devil, pull

try,

China by order of Governor Yeh,

The devil and baker both pull the fame way.
But

in

Notes and Queries.

JACK

for a fcolding matter held the light,

When Tom

declared his friend was far too civil

" You muft allow I'm

right,
Jack fmartly cried,
Sometimes to hold the candle to the devil."
* For the
origin of the phrafe,
Notes and Queries.

" Pull

devil, pull

baker," fee

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

The

Parforfs Precept

CORNISH

and Example.

vicar, while

he preach'cl,

Of patient Job did fpeak

When he came home, found
;

His

caflc

Job

But he

to his grief,

a leak.

his wife did thus advife,

Enraged

"

had fprung

for a pattern choofe ;"

replied,

"Job

ne'er had fuch

tub of ale to lofe."

Matrimony,
CRIES Sue to Will, 'midft matrimonial ftrife,
" Curfed be the hour I firft became
your wife

"

"
!

"

By all the powers," faid Will, but that's too bad

You've curled the only civil hour we've had."

" YOU'RE

To
" 'Tis

a thief," faid a

wag,

" and

I'll

(how

it,"

a butcher with angry feeling;

a fcandalous faft,

That

and you know

it.

knives you are conftantly fteelir/g,"

Dives and Lazarus.

Forenjic Wit.

DIVES the Cardiff Bar

And

retains,

counts their learned nofes,

Whilft the defendant Lazarus

On

Abraham's

breail repofes.

JEKYLL.

At

the Cardiff Aflizes,

fome

years ago, an aftion

was brought
unable to pay
a counfel, when Abraham Moore, Efq., of Exeter, a barrifter, volunteered to defend him, which caufed
Jekyll to write the above

by a rich plaintirr againft a poor defendant,

epigram.

who was

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

125

On

the Duke of Wellington, whofe life was once endangered by one of the fmall tones of the wing of a partridge, on which he was dining.

STRANGE

that the

Duke, whofe

life

was charm'd

'Gainft injury by ball and cartridge,

Nor by

th' Imperial Eagle harm'd,

Should be endanger'd by a partridge

'T would

furely every one aftony

As foon as ever it was known,

That the great conqueror of Boney,
Himfelf was conquer'd by a bone.

On

the Marriage of a Captain Graves to a

lady

named

Graves.

THE graves, 'tis faid, will yield the dead,

When the laft trumpet fhakes the flues ;
But if God p'leafe, from Graves like thefe,

A
On
to

dozen living

folks

may

rife.

Garrotv's crofs-queftioning an Old Woman, trying

elicit from her that a tender bad been made
for

fame premifes

in difpute.

GARROW, forbear
Can never prove a
!

That tough

old jade

tender made.

JEKYLL.

A Warm
RUSTICUS wrote

Reception.

a letter to his love,

And fill'd it full of warm and keen defire

He hoped to raife a flame, and fo he did
The lady put his nonfenfe in the fre.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

126

The Wife's Prayer.

" He durfl be bold

DICK

told his fpoufe,

Whate'er fhe pray'd

pray'r."

"

Indeed," fays Nell,

For now

I'll

THE

pray for

to fvvear,

for, heav'n would

"

'tis

what I'm

your long

life,

thwart her

pleafed to hear,

my

dear."

Mary wears
who would have thought

lovely hair that

Is hers

She fwears

For

'tis

it ?

hers, and true fhe fwears,

know where

An

(he

bought

it.

Irijb Bull.

WORTHY baronet of Erin's clime

Had a famed telefcope in his pofleffion
And on a time

Of its amazing pow'rs he made profeffion,

"Yon church," cried he, "is diitant near a mile;
Yet when

Upon

My

a bright
glafs fo

view

it

fteady for a while,

and funny day,

llrong and clear

Does bring the church fo near

That often I can hear the organ play."

CAN you
Yes

a reafon for quizzing-glafTes find?

Puppies, you know, are always born blind.

The Ugly Wife.

TOM

weds

a rich

hag that would frighten a horfe;

Repentance foon tortures his mind ;

But vain are the tears that exprefs his remorfe,
Unlefs be could cry bimfelf blind !

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

An Old
THERE

is

a miflake,

127

Saying.

though the faying is old,

you he has a bad cold ;

To

hear a

We

muft drop the faying, though long it has Itood,

I never heard of a cold that was good.

For

man

tell

The Twenty-fifth of March.

THAT when

By a Tenant.

a lady's in the cafe,

All other things of courfe give place,*

Was once a doubt with me, friend Gay

But Lady-day the facl explains,

Who never comes but me diftrains,

And

On

carries all

a Sailor

my

things

who was thrown

away

on the neck of his

Horfe.

SPECTATOR, ceafe your cruel

From
Sure

'tis

taunting

glee,

jefts refrain,

no wondrous thing

failor on. the

to fee

mane!

The Joke of Charles Matthews

TRAV'LLER, fome

Was

telling

little

another a

verified.

time back,
hill'ry,

Whofe manners

betray'd a great lack

Of Jenfe, to unravel the myft'ry.

"

Why,

Sir,

it is

ftrange

you

can't fee

don't meet your belief;

'Tis as fimple as plain A. B. C."

Or, perhaps,

"

it

Yes," cries t'other,

*

Gay's

" but I'm D. E. F."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

128

The Bathos.
SINCE mountains fink to vales, and valleys die,

And feas and rivers mourn their fources dry

" When
my old caffock," fays a Welm divine,
" Is out at elbows,
why fhould I repine ?"
;

PORSON.

The Quibble.

Too late for dinner by an hour,

The dandy enter'd from a mower
Caught, and no coach when moftly wifiVd,
The beau was, like the dinner, dijb'd*

Mine

with

hoft then,

fat

Grinn'd, and exclaim'd,

Indeed, I lee, you took

iobet, Sir, as

QUOTH

Who

s'pofe you've dined-

'twas

wrong

you came along

"

a ftarved poet to a thiefifh fpark,

fearch'd his houfe for

" Forbear

your pains,

From
KIND Afper
But lend

my

will

his afs

His time and

toil

your behalf

money

friend,

now, what

You'll not find

On

capon lined,

"I

in the dark

and go away

I can't in the day."

Pfifebajtus.

do anything you choofe

and that you mull excufe

he freely will expend

his afs he'll never lend.

He'd fetch and carry at your call or beck,

But would not lend his afs to fave your neck

None

Afper can furpafs,

himfelf below an afs.

in felf-knowledge

Who juftly

rates

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

129

Written at the requeft of a Lady,

Off Nothing.

nothing Lady fhame fo to puzzle me

For fomething, Lady, ne'er can nothing be.
This nothing mart be fomething, and I fee,

WRITE on

This nothing and

THOU
Will

On

this

all

fomething

in thee.

addeft daily to thy ftore thy gains ;

more brains

a gold fleece give to a fheep

the Marriage of

Mr. Lamb

to

Mifs Priejl.

IN times remote, when heathens fway'd,

A facrifice was often made,

Their

And by
Unto

deities to quiet ;
the prieft the lamb

the altar,

where he

But not without fome

Mark how

was

led

bled,
riot.

reverfe the blifsful fcene,

No heathen rites now intervene,

To bid the timid falter
j

For, lo
Is

by the

the Priejl

Lamb now

Quite willing,

how
led

ftrange to fay

away,

to the altar

SCREW lives by Ihifts, yet fwears, with no fmall

With all his fhifts, he cannot fhift his clothes.

oaths,

Off a Stone thrown at George III. which miffed him.

TALK no more of the lucky efcape of the head

From a flint fo unhappily thrown
;

I think
very different

'Twas

from thoufands

indeed

a lucky efcape for the ftone.

PETER PINDAR.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

130

On
IN reading

You
"

a Gentleman named Heddy.

name

his

make

will

that

it may
man dy

truly be faid,
if

WHEN to an oculift the blind

To get again their fight,

you cut off his Hed.

repair,

Of drowning,

Ben, they in fome danger are,

If I conjecture right."

"Of

Why, what do you mean?"

drowning?

cries

Ben;
"Explain

"

Why,"

at

once to me."

rejoins

Tom, "

Becaufe they go

The

this

is

my

reafon, then,

to fee."

Irijh Place-hunter.

PLACE under government

Was

all

that

Paddy wanted

He

married foon a fcolding wife,

And thus his wifh was granted.

IN Oxford

Ten

" Mr.

To

Street,

days ago,

fay,

Fell

it

"

ftuck

by coach,
I

to

up

a bill

he "Fell, from Holborn Hill."

Commercial Traveller

and wrote

over a {hop door,

might be more,

lately left

the Chamber-maid

a Jbirt at an Inn,

to forward it to

which produced the following :

HOPE, dear

Sir, you'll

not

feel hurt,

frankly tell you all about it ;

I've made a fhift with your old fliirt,
And you muft make a fhift without
I'll

it.

him

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

131

Crania logy.

IN days of yore,
Laid wit and lore

And wifdom in
now the fkull

the

wig

But

Contains them

The

peruke

all,
is

too big.

The Retort Medical.

Dodlor Squill of Ponder's End,

QUOTH

"Of all

the patients I attend,

Whate'er

their aches or ails,

None ever will my fame attack."

" None ever
can," retorted Jack ;
" For dead men tell no tales."
Adapted

to

THE

the Irijh Commercial Failures,

cit

That

complains to

grafs will

And

grow

fwears that

all

in

all is

800.

he meets,

Dublin
over

ftreets,

Short-fighted mortals, can't you fee,

Your mourning will be changed to glee,

For then

From
bis

the Italian.

Son

to

you'll live in clover.

On

a Father who would not allow

marry until be bad arrived at years of

difcretion.

POOR Stephen

And

is

therefore

young, and lacks wifdom,

flill
longer muft tarry ;

'tis faid,

If he waits though, methinks, till he'sfenfe in his head

I'll be fworn that he never will
marry.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

132

How

Aw

evade Proof.

to

Irimman, charged with a crime,

told it would be brought home

Was
"

to

him

" it fhan't this time

No, no," quoth Pat,
and do 'em."
borne
I'll
keep away from

Written on the Union, 1801, by a Barrifter of Dublin.

WHY

mould we

explain, that the times are fo bad,

Purfuing a querulous ftrain ?

When Erin gives up all the rights that

What

HE who
Muft

"

me

had,

right has Jhe left to complain?

talks

much,

fo fays the

ancient rule,

often babble like an

I fpeak

but

little,"

empty fool.
mallow Buffo cries

In that, no doubt, the world will

The

AMONG

call

him

wife.

Union.

men what dire divifions rife,

For " Union" one, and one " No union"
the

cries.

Shame on

the fex that fuch difpute began;

Ladies are all for union to a man.

From
FAIR

the Spani/h of Rebolledo.

Phillis has fifty times

regifter'd

That of

Chriftian or

vows,

Turk me would

ne'er be the

fpoufe,

For wedlock

And

fo

much

fhe difdain'd,

neither of thefe ihe has married,

For now

And

'tis

wife of a wealthy old

thus ihe her vow has maintain'd.
{he's the

true,

Jem,

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Time

133

caufes Changes.

IN ancient times 'twas

all

the rage

For each rich man to keep

In middle ages 'twas the rule
For men of wealth

to

keep

But what with daughters,

Men
On

fons,

and coufins,

now-a-days keep fools by dozens.

an Ignorant Lady, who boafted of having pretty

feet.

"

No

"

Jack one day fmiling faid,

If Nature Hole a part from thence

wonder Mary's feet

To
" In

form

a thicker

are fmall,"

head."

point of ftealing, fure," cries Dick,

"That Nature had no hand in,

And if fhe made her head fo thick,
'Twas not with underftanding."

" FRIEND
Tom,"
around

Ned,

muft," quoth
For I have found

the world

ne'er have found."

Tom, " from your

it

in

NEVER give a

From

kifs," fays

" To
naughty man,

opinion vary

the Dictionary."

Giving and Taking.

"

" I've view'd

Difintereftednefs

"

fays

for I

the French.

Prue,

abhor

it."

She will not give a kifs, 'tis true ;

She'll take one though, and thank you for

it.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

134

Tempus Edax Rerttm.

" TIME

is

money," Robin

'Tis true,

I'll

prove

fays

clear

it

which he pays

Tom

owes ten founds, for

In limbo half a year.

"

WHAT

matter and miftrefs gone out?"

" Indeed,"
''

" You
By

replies

wait, and

I'll

fit

John,

" Sir,

down by

gone out too!"

can't, Sir, for that's

Sir

Modernized.

Thomas More.

STUDENT wedded

true !"

'tis

the fire."

to his book,

When wealth he might have won

He left his book, a wife he took,
From wealth

Now, who

woe he

to

run.

a neater die e'er caft,

Since juggling firft begun

In tying of himfelf fo faft,

Himfelf he has undone.

On

one

Dr. Cox, noted for

his vanity,

who ordered a

be left for himfelf in a monument

vacant fpace

to

ere fled to the

memory of his wife.

VAINEST of mortals, hadft thou

fenfe or grace,

Thou hadft not left this oftentatious fpace;

And given your numerous foes fuch ample room

To

tell

pofterity

upon thy tomb,

This well-known

That by

this

truth,

blank thy

by every tongue

life is

confefs'd,

beft exprefs'd.

SIR FREDERIC FLOOD.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

The Mifer and

"

'Tis in vain,

To

a beggar

" For I'm

My
On

the Beggar.

my good man,"
who

135

faid a

mifer one day,

clofely did prefs,

fure if I give but a

penny away,

pocket will be penny-left"

the Ball-room of the Tenth Royal Hu/ars being

profufely decked with laurel*

how ill-advifed in you to raife,

The other night, fo vaft a bower of bays,
Few had there been, we might perhaps have

SOLDIERS

They were

Natural Conclufion.

The lottery's puff*d its

And kick'd its lateft
Well,

'tis

Which

He

only lived by chance.

an Ignorant

letters his life

fcarce

lateftfigh,

prance ;
no wonder that mould die

On
FIVE

thought

the laurels you had won, not bought.

knew A.

Sot.

and

his death will exprefs;

B. C., and he died of X. S.!

The Drunkard's Wit.

DRUNKARD'S doftor gave this precept ftrong :

lefs, and thus you will your days prolong."
"
"
True," quoth the toper,
yefterday my clay
Imbibed one bottle only, and, I fay,

" Drink

I never pafs'd fo horrid, long a day."

*

The

ball

given in Dublin by the officers to the Marchionefi

of Londonderry.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

136

On
PIQUED

as Ugly Vain Woman.

being fingle, though averfe to fhow it,

" I'm determined ne'er to
marry."

at

Cries Deborah,

"

Now, Deborah,
know

For while other women

On

fpoken truth, and well I

you've

it,

your point you'll carry."

live,

Sir Aftley Cooper, Bart.

Hint taken from the

Epigram by Dr. Lettfom.

IN furgery Sir Aftley's

fkill

Hasjuftly brought him

He

lucre;

has fully proved, and does

Nofurgeon's

No Change
PYTHAGORAS

"
fays,

ftill,

A. Cooper.

like

by a Change.

When we

die

we

(hall find

We each

mall be changed to a brute of fome kind."

Should this be the cafe, Dick will trouble the leaft,

He

won't require change,

he's already a beaft.

The Valiant

FROM no man

Doftor.

yet you've run

may be true ;

away

Dodlor, that

You've kiirdfo many in your day,

Men moftly fly from you.

Rare

Virtues.

IN praife of honefty and truth

Men's bufy tongues are never

ftill ;

'Tis well, for both are fled from earth,

" De

mortuis

nifi

bonum

nil."

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

137

Grammatical Advice.

WHEN man

and wife

at

odds

fall

out,

Let Syntax be your tutor;

'Twixt mafculine and feminine,

What

fhould one be but neuter

A cloyed Appetite.
"

TONGUE

I've for

My

deareft

I've

had

your fupper got,

Tom," faid Kate.

"
cried
Tom, " I'll touch
Egad,"
mare

my

A
WHENE'ER

And

it

not,

o'f late."

Comparifon.

a noble lord falls

ill,

needs the aid of doftors clever,

Whoe'er

The

his
proxy's place may fill,
houfe goes on as well as ever.

But when O'Neil*

is

indifpofed

The play Hands ftill

The tragic fcene at once
For her there

The

reafon

is

is,

no

is

mute

clofed

fubftitute.

fay critics fearlefs,

One's but a peer

From

the aflor

the other peerlefs.

the French of Fabian Pillet.

His long fpeeches, his writings, in profe and in rhyme,

Dr. Julep declares are but meant to kill time ;
What a man is the doftor for, do what he will,
!

He

fomething or fomebody wifhes to

*

celebrated aclrefs.

kill.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

138

Choice of the

To

Flavia's fhrine

And woo

Knave
two

or the Fool.

fuitors run,

the fair at once

needy fortune-hunter one,

And one a wealthy dunce.

How

thus twin-courted fhe'll behave,

this rule

Depends upon
If fhe's a fool

But

fhe'll

wed

the knave,

if a knave, the fool.

The Brewer's Coachman.

HONEST William, an
Would,

little

eafy and good-natured fellow,

too oft, get a little too mellow ;

Body-coachman he was to an eminent brewer,

better ne'er fat on a box, to be fure :
His coach was kept clean ; no mothers or nurfes
Took more care of their babes than he did of his horfes.

He

had

But the

So

thefe, aye,

and

fifty

good

qualities

more,

bufinefs of tippling could ne'er be got o'er

his mafter effectually

mended

the matter

By hiring a man who drank nothing but water.

" Now, William,"
"
you fee the plain cafe,
fays he,
Had you drank as he does, you'd kept a good place."
" had all men done
"Drink water!"
fo,

You

quoth William,
never had wanted a coachman, I trow

me, whom you load with reproaches,

That enable you brewers to ride in your coaches"

For

'tisfoa&ers, like

Frojl.

FROST

He

is

the greateft

paints in nature,

artift in

and

our clime

defcribes in rime.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
From

WHEN

I fent

you

139

the Arabic.

melons you cried out with fcorn,

and wrinkled, and yellow;"

my

to be heavy,

"They ought
When I offer'd myfelf, whom thofe graces adorn,
You flouted, and call'd me an ugly old fellow.

SAILOR

And

is

drunken

he fhan't wed

fot,

my

daughter.

How can that be, have you

A failor lives on water?
Addr effect

to

on his Nomination to the Legion

From

of Honour.

IN ancient times

They hung the

But now, alas
!

They hang

forgot

the French.

'twas no great lofs

thief
I fay

the crofs

upon the
't

with

crofs;

grief,

upon the

thief.

" FM
very much furprifed," quoth Harry,
" That
Jane a gambler mould marry."

" I'm

not at all," her

"You know

fitter fays,

he has fuch winning ways!"

WALKING through Smithfield, on a market day,

"
"
By Jove," cries Tom, we've come a beaftly way

A
" HELP

"
!

help

Rejleftion.

cried old Father Francefco, one night,

While Friar John ran

" I have

!"

to his help in a fright,

juft feen the devil

along

my

cell pafs

fhape of an afs!"
" Lefs
noife," whifper'd John, with a look of difdain,
"
" When
you chance to behold your own fhadow again!

By our Lady

'twas he

in the

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

140

Firft and

One

Laft.

From

fingle truth before

the Italian.

he died

Poor Dick could only boaft

"

Alas, I die !" he faintly cried,

And
WHICH

then

gave up the ghoft

wert thou, cruel Bifhop Bonner,

favage wit, or fenfelefs noddy,

When

to extinguifh Ridley's faith

Thou

mad'ft a ^ofire of his body

On

To
He
He

a Coxcomb.

determine the cut of a coat

is

known

to excel

after that

never indulges a thought,

Save how he fhall tie his cravat.

There's nothing beyond to expeft

From fuch a fair-form-loving elf,

Who caufes
Though

his glafs to refleft,

void of reflection himfelf.

To a Lady with a

OH

blood-Jhot eye.

be not afraid, though your eye is all red,

While your cheeks, my dear Sal, are fo ruddy

For

fo

No
On

many

die

wonder

by the ftroke of that eye,

the

weapon

is

bloody.

Frederic the Great, King of PraJ/ia s by Voltaire.

KING, author, philofopher,

poet, mufician,

Free-mafon, economift, bard, politician,

How

had Europe

If a man,

how

rejoiced if a Cbriftian he'd been

he then had enraptured his queen

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

AT

Young

Rofcius.

Betty, aftonifh'd, the people

" 'Twas
For

my
At

"

Betty, the

wonderful,"

part, I

own,

141

all

gazed,

ftill

they kept faying ;

I was not much amazed

feeing a little boy playing.

LAUGH," a would-be fapient

cried,

" At
every one that laughs at me."
" Good lack " a
merry friend replied,
"
" How
muft be
!

very merry you

On

the ajfertion of

Mr. Hawkins Browne, " That Mr.

England of wood, and left it of marble"

" FROM wood to
marble," Hawkins cried,
" Great Pitt transform'd
ere he died!"

Pitt found

us,

"Indeed," exclaim'd
" Sure he muft mean

a country gaper;
to

marble paper.

''

Another.

BROWN

fays,

" That

Pitt, fo wife

and good,

Could marble make from worthlefs wood!"

And who can doubt that faying bold,
Since he to paper changed our gold

To

C alley

Cibber, Poet Laureate.

Ancient and

Modern Times.
IN merry old England it once was a rule
For the king to employ both a poet and fool

have you to know it,

That a laureate will ferve both for/00/ and for poet.

But now, we're fo frugal,

I'd

POPE.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

142

The Compliment

An

returned.

officer

in a ball-room

dance becaufe be did not, as be faid,

having refufed
in the room, caufed one of the
a
woman
fee
bandfome
ladies to write as follows :
to

"

So, Sir, you rafhly

vow and

fwear,

You'll dance with none that are not fair;

Suppofe we women mould difpenfe

Our hands to none but men of fenfe."
"Suppofe! well, Madam, pray what then?"

"

On

Why,

Sir,

you'd never dance again*'

bis three marriages by

New
THOUGH

Thomas Baftard, Efq. of

College, Oxford.

marriage by fome folks be reckon'd a curfe,

I marry for better or worle;

Three wives did

The
And
The

the next for her purfe

for her perfon
the third for a warming-pan, do&refs, and nurfe.

firft

SucceJJton

of Ages.

late Prejident

The

Mr. Dundas,

houfe of

of the Court of

Sejfion

in Scotland

having, after his death > been converted into a blackfmith's Jhop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the fol-

lowing impromptu

THIS houfe

a lawyer once enjoy'd,

A fmith does now poflefs

How naturally the iron age

Succeeds the age of brafs!

On

a deformed, but amiable Female, of whom a

"

Lady" fpoke

IN body crooked
Scoffer

unfeelingly

and

but in mind

in derijion.

ereft

reverfe the cafe, you'll fee your

own

defecl.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

The

AT

143

Punjiers.

a tavern one night

Meff rs More, Strange, and Wright

.

Met

to drink,

Says More,

and good thoughts

" Of us

The whole town

There

Who
His

that's

Strange."

"Yes," fays Strange (rather fore),

" I'm fure there's one
More,
moil terrible knave and a bite,

A
"

exchange

will agree,

only one knave, and

is

to

three,

cheated his mother,

fifter

and brother."

yes," replied More,

On

Nice Point.

"

that

is

Wright."

hearing that a Gentleman died

was writing a prefcription for

whilft his Phyjician

him.

How

couldft thou thus fo hafty be,

And why

Why

not fome moments longer fpare

And

death

me

be fo precipitate with

my

breath,

thy friend, the doftor, get his fee?

let

Honeft Independence.
SIR Charles, embroider'd, mocks
Sir Charles

'tis

paid

my

Now

for.

threadbare veft

where

lies

French Tafte.

THE

French have

Which we

For Nature, that

To

tafte in all

they do,

are quite without

to

them gave gout,

us gave only gout.

ERSKINE.

the jeft

;
i

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

144

On Lord

Campbell's Lives of the Lord Chancellors.

LIVES of great

men

mifinform us,

Campbell's lives in this fublime,

Errors frightfully enormous,
Mifprints on the fands of time.
Stop Short.

IF at his

But Tom,
Is

now

Tom had dropp'd his quill,

have pafs'd for a great genius

title

Tom might

alas

him

a fcribbler,

A Friendly
WHILE Cam and

Of rival

grief to

ftill

if

you can)
who was once a man.

(excufe

Conteft.

IJis their fad tribute bring

weep

their pious king

The bards of IJis half had been forgot,

Had not the fons of Cam in pity wrote
From their learn'd brothers they took off the curfe,
And proved their verfe not bad by writing worfe.
;

The
PAMPHLET

Was

afk'd,

laft

Scribbler confuted.

week, in his
he lived ?

How

fantaftic

He

faid,

fits,

By

's

I fee, will tell lies

Pamphlet,
How can he

live

upon

by the clock
fo poor a ftock ?

wits
;

Pbyjicians.

SINGLE doftor like a fculler

And

all his art,

and

all

plies,

his phyfic tries

But two phyficians, like a pair of oars,

Conduft you fooneft to the Stygian fhorcs.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

The

145

Connoifeur.

HE

long has been a man of tafte complete;

Would that he now had fomething left to eat!

From

the French

ofj. B.

fenatorial

Was

his portrait

For

by

known

fo the painter play'd his

It

Rouffeau.

fame

LORD of

made one even yawn

outright,

game

at fight.

" 'Tis

the fame
he
there's no defefl,
But want of fpeech," exclaim'd a flat,

To whom

"

the limner,

Pray

refleft,

'Tis furely not the worfe for that."

From
EUTYCHIDAS
Still lags

in

From

the

LONG way
As

fhe

long

way

running for the prize

him, and he

to dinner afk

off"

German of Lejfing,
Lucinda

ftrikes the

men

one wifhes her again.

off

From

flies.

draws near,
one fees clear,

And

the Greek.

the Greek.

VIPER flung a Cappadocian's hide;

And,

poifon'd

by

his blood, that inflant died.

Affectation.

DELIA

is

twenty-two, and yet

Poor thing

flic's

learning

ftill

fo
to

weak,
walk and fpeak.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

146

In Vino Vtritas.

BRUTE thou

art at beft;

The rage of tigers

Wine but difplays
Not makes

is lefs

wine,

than thine;

the bafenefs of thy heart ;

but mows thee as thou art.

thee bad

The Peer and

mad with

but

fierce

MEMBER of
Pafs'd

the Pedlar.

modern

the

Sawney with

The peer was

The tinker

great

his

in his car

budget
of ftate,

forced to trudge

it.

But Sawney mail receive the praife

His lordfhip would parade for;
One's debtor for his dapple greys,

The

other's fhoes are paid for.

Imitated from the French of Guicbard.

As

Spintext one day, in the manfion of prayer,

Was

declaiming a fermon he'd ftolen from Blair,

large maftiff

" Turn him

dog began barking aloud,

out,"

cried

the dodlor, enraged, to the

crowd.

" And
"
why ?" anfwer'd one,
He's an excellent dog,

in

my

humble

belief

for he barks at a thief."

Proxies.

" BY
proxy

I pray,

and by proxy

gracelefs peer faid to a

Who

anfwer'd,

"

My

I vote,"

churchman of note

lord, then

I'll

venture to fay

You'll to heaven afcend in a fimilar way."

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

147

Macpherfon's Tranjlation of Homer.

"

CRIES Macpherfon with pride,

Every mortal

that

knew him
Muft own
But

the fublime lofty

power of his pen

change, and fo metamorphofe him,

one in a thoufand mall know him again."

I will fo

Not

From

the French.

DAMIS, an author cold and weak,

Thinks

as a critic he's divine

Likely enough

Good

On

To

tell

the

us

we

vinegar of forry wine.

Banks and paper

why

Where

credit

of Scotland.

banks thus in Scotland obtain

Requires not the head of a

Without

make

often

Newton

or Napier

calculation, the matter's quite plain,

there's plenty

of rags, you'll have plenty of

paper.

On

Chatterton the Poet, and H. Walpole.

WHENEVER God,
Prefs'd

by

for his myfterious ends,

all evils,

deftitute

Prefents a Chatterton to

The

devil conjures

From

WHY

of friends,

human view,

up a Walpole

the Latin of

too.

Owen.

you offer, Marcus, to aver

Nature abhorr'd a vacuum ? confer
durft

But with your empty flcull, then

Nature will fuffer a vacuity.

you'll agree,

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

148

From

GRUMUS
What,

the Latin

ne'er faw, he fays, a bearded afs ;

Grumus ne'er confult his glafs

then, did

On Dr. Jobnfon's
" Similes babent labia
YON
Such

is

Poets.
laftucas."

vain the flowery lawns invite

afs in

To mumble thiftles
the critic,

his

fupreme delight.
who, with wayward pride,

To

Blackmore gives the praife to Pope denied ;

Wakes Yalden's embers, joys in Pomfret's lay,
But iickens at the heaven-ftrung lyre of Gay.
the French of La Giraudiere.

From
YOU'RE

thirty you tell us ; the

For both you and your friends
faid

we muft

faft

credit,

for thefe ten years have

it.

From

the Greek.

AN
It

atom met the head of Mark the lean,

fliced it into halves, and walk'd between.
To a Cbildlefs Man.

So, heaven

Of fuch

is

deaf to thy oft-urged petition,

as thee 'twill give

On
THAT

no new

edition.

a Marriage.

very day he chole to wed,

curmudgeon dead

I wifh'd the old

It matters not, fince

On

earth the

now

life to hell

he'll lead

decreed

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
From

THAT you

149

the French of Gombauld.

cannot get rid of Therfander, you

tried

Though you've

to accomplifh

it

fay,

fifty

times

o'er:
I'll

put you at once, my good friend, in the way

but lend him ten pounds, and you'll ne'er fee

Do

him more.
Agreement

"You're

in Opinion.

mutters

fool,"

Says Thomas,

Harry.

"That's true;
So muft every one be that expedls

from you."

fenfe

To a Judge who prated about " Morah and Juftice"

THOU

disgrace to the

bench

whom

each freeman muft

hate,

That thou about "morals and

Would

Had

furely excite

all

juftice" mouldft prate,

our wonder,

not that old faying fo oft met our ears,

That, when

The

likely to

devil himfelf

Envy.

WHAT

forward his fchemes,

it

appears

from the Scriptures can plunder.

From

the French of Senece.

makes the envious Phorbas walk

Alone, and

fad, in the parterre

And raife his eyes, and inly talk,

And ftamp his foot, and rend his
Say, has he

Far from

met with fome

it

all his

Only proceeds from

Of fome

diftrefs

agitation

the fuccefs

acquaintance or relation.

hair

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

150

On
THE
And

vileft

a Wine Merchant.

From Martial.

of compounds while Balderdafh vends,

brews

his dear poifon for

all

his

good friends

No

wonder they never can get him to dine

He's afraid they'd oblige him to drink his own wine.
Defcription of London.

HOUSES, churches, mix'd together ;

Streets, unpleafant in all

weather;

Prifons, palaces, contiguous

Gates, a bridge, the

Gaudy
Showy

things

Thames

enough

to

outfides, infides

irriguous

tempt you,

empty ;

Bubbles, trades, mechanic

arts,

Coaches, wheelbarrows, and carts

Warrants, bailiffs, bills unpaid,

Lords of laundreffes afraid;

Rogues

that nightly fhoot

men,

Hangmen, aldermen, and footmen;

Lawyers, poets,
Noble, fimple

Worth, beneath

priefts, phyficians,

all

over;

black, red, fair, and grey,

Prudes, and fuch

Handfome,

Some

a threadbare cover,

Villany, bedaub'd

Women,

conditions

all

as

never pray.

ugly, noify,

that will not

ftill,

fome that

will

Many a beau without a milling,

Many a widow not unwilling ;
Many a bargain, if you ftrike it
This is London how d'ye like it
:

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
From

" How

bleft,

" Should

my

the French of

De

151

Cailly.

dear brother," faid Sylvia, one day,

be would you quit this bad habit of play

Do you mean to extinguifh it never ?"

" When
you ceafe to coquet, I'll quit play," he replied.
" Ah
plainly I fee, my dear brother," me cried,
!

" You're determined

From

the

to

German of LeJJing.

leaves the poor his

Grudge
means

He

his next

for ever."

gamble

whole

pofleffions nearly

of kin mall weep fincerely.

The Mifer.

"
Crefcit

TEN

amor nummi, quantum

ipfa pecunia ere/fit."

thoufand pounds Avarus had before

His father died, and left him twenty more,

Till then, a roll and egg he could allow ;
But eggs grown dear, a roll muft dine him now.

From
STRETCH'D on

And

his

pretty certain he

Inftead of

the Italian.

bed of death old

fumming

was dying

his offences,

Began to reckon his expenfes.

For mixtures, bolus, draughts, and

long apothecary's

And

Thomas

bill

pill,

guineas gone in paying dodors,

With

fees to attornies

and

to

prodors

The fexton's and the parfon's due,

The undertaker's reckoning too
" Alas!"
quoth Tom, with his laft
" 'Tis a moft fearful thing to die "

figh,

lying,

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

152

On

Death of a man who bad always been afraid of

From the French.
dying.

the

THRICE happy Damon

now

He's

deliver'd

Fate has ftopp'd his breath

fear of death !

From

THE

from the

the Greek.

in a dream,
of his pelf;
He woke, and in defpair extreme
Away he went, and hang'd himfelf.

mifer,

Hermon,

Difburfed a

An
"

Come, come,"

little

Important Inquiry.

Tom's

faid

father,

"

at

your time of

life

It

There's no longer excufe for thus playing the rake

is time
you mould think, boy, of taking a wife."
"
Why fo it is, father whofe wife fhall I take ?"

MOORE.

An

To

a gueft at

fit

You

praife each foible, e'en forget his vice;

Integrity's

To
On

Expenfeve Dinner.

Timon's fumptuous board,

my

boaft

buy a dinner
a Guardian

I can't afford
at fo dear a
price.

marrying

MARIUS, by Calvas
Does but the thing

his rich

Ward.

left in truft,

that's

ftriftly juft

To teftify his great regard,

And better to fecure his ward
From

He

Irijh bites, and fave her pelf,

wifely marries her

himfelf.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On
"

153

two Neighbours who died at the fame time.

MY

neighbour Thornton cannot live a day,"

Cried honeft Jones, then in a deep decay.
"
Jones cannot live a day," cried Thornton, broke

With

To

cruel gout, though ftill he loved a joke.

think himfelf might die, each one was loth

death feized them both.

Before the day expired

|

On Dr.

Young's

His

And

"

Night Thoughts, on Life, Death,

and Immortality."
and

life is lifelefs,

mortal

is

his death mall die,

his immortality.

Imitation of Martial.

Lend Spunge

a guinea

And give him

On

half

Ned, you'd

fure half's

a Fellow of a College

who

beft refufe,

to lofe

enough

habitually pronounced the

a(Jhort) in Euphrates, Porfon wrote the following

Epigram :
VENIT ad Euphratum,

Ut
Thus

rapidis perterritus undis,

cito tranfiret, corripuit fluvium.*

tranjlated by

"
J. T. P.,from Notes and Queries"
for July, 1 86 1.

WITH fear, on the Euphrates' more,

The wild waves made him (hiver ;
But he thought

And

* Thefe two

"

to pafs

more quickly

o'er,

fo abridged the river.

laft

abridged the river."

words Jekyll, of witty memory,

rendered

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

154

Clear-Jigbted,

His own merits

and yet Blind.

perceiving, fure Charles through the

land,

For acute penetration

Were

it

He

totally

is

not

unrivall'd

dlter

You
But

fay you're old, in

-your face we

'tis

would Hand

one blemifh pre-eminence fmothers,

blind to the merits of others.

this

et

Idem.

hopes we'll fay you're young,

credit, not

The Natural

your tongue.

Conclujion.

me

nothing while you live,

you'll give
But, after death, you cry, then, then you'll give
If thou art not, indeed, turn'd arrant aft,

MARO,

Thou

The Envious

THE

poor in wit, or

'tis

to pals.

Critic.

judgment,

Revile, for having leaft, thofe

So

come

know'ft what I defire to

like all

poor,

who have more ;

the critic's fcarcity of wit

Makes him traduce them who have moft of it.

Since to their pitch himfelf he cannot raife,
He them to his mean level would debafe ;

Afting

like

Of heav'n,

demons, that would

to

all

deprive

which themfelves can

ne'er arrive.

The Grimacer.

You

aflc

Yet,

if

why Smith

he write,

is

diverts

You wonder at it This,

The jeft is loft, unlefs he
!

you with

dull as other folks

Sir,

is

his jokes,
?

the cafe,

prints his face.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

A falfe

155

Eftimate.

LUCIA thinks happinefs confifts in ftate ;

She weds an idiot ; but me eats on plate.
Vain of Dependence.

OF

great connexions with great men,

Ned
"

keeps up a perpetual pother

My lord knows what, knows who, knows when

My lord fays this, thinks that, does t'other."

My lord had formerly

We know it, for

'tis

his fool,

on record

But now, by Ned's inverted

The

fool

it

How
He

That

a viper
its

;
;

at bar,

its

of a Trade united.

join'd the lawyer

fitly

moves

On

WHEN

rule

feems muft have his lord

1 wo

and

me

and

at

wife

his

home, the

ftrife.

a malignant dull Poet.

venom

fat heals

the

has

fpit, it is faid,

wound which

its

poifon has

made;

Thus

it

fares

with the blockhead

His dulnefs an antidote proves

who

ventures to write,

to his fpite.

Intereft overcomes Principle.

VIRTUOUS and friendly Squab will be,

While right and intereft can agree ;
But, when they differ, do not wonder
If Squab and virtue are afunder.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

156

The

Bully.

How
Who gave

kind has Nature unto Blufter been,

him dreadful looks and dauntlefs mien,

Gave tongue to fwagger, eyes to ftrike difmay,
And, kinder ftill, gave legs to run away.

The advantage of a
FULL twenty

One

years, through

On

the courts,

craving procefs George fupports.

You're mad, George

Nonfult.

all

twenty years

you're

mad

nonfuit's always to be had.

a Statue of Jujiice removed into the market-place.

From

the French of Furetiere.

Q.

TELL me why

A.

Raifed in the market-place on high ?

The reafon, friend, may foon be told,
'Tis

meant

On
STILL

to

Juftice meets

mow

be fold.

ill-tempered man.

dijfatisjied,

reftlefs, flill

fhe's to

our eye,

chopping and changing about

enlarging, rebuilding, and making a rout

Little Timothy, outre as it may appear,

Still

down, and

Pulls

builds

With

this altering rage,

What

a pity

From

THE man who

That
For

love

is

firft

folly,

again, ten times a-year.

up

poor

he don't

it is

privilege

diffatisfied elf!

alter himfelf.

the Greek.
laid

down

the pedant rule

was himfelf the

if to life that tranfport

What

is left

us

fool

you deny,
but to die

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

The Congrefs

157

at Vienna.

IN cutting and dealing, and playing their cards,

Revoking and fhuffling for tricks and rewards,

The

kings have been changed into knaves, and the reft

honours have either been loft or fupprefs'd.

Of the

To Lady Mount E<

on the death of a favourite

Pig.

DRY

that tear fo round and big,

Nor

wafte in fighs your precious

wind

Death only takes a Jingle pig

Your lord and fon are ftill behind.
To a contemptible Author, who had written the Epitaph
From the French of Le Brun.
of a good Poet.

ON Stephen's tomb thou writ'ft the mournful

Why lived he not, alas to write on thine ?

line

On

From

a Volume of Epigrams.

the

German of

LeJJlng.

POINT

in his foremoft epigram

is

Bee-like, he loft his fling at the

On

Woman who

fa ft

attejled by

Letter

to

found

firft

wound.

fpoke very well without a tongue, a

Wilcox, Bijhop of Rochejler, in a

the Royal Society,

yd

Sept. 1707.

THAT

without a tongue a woman could

Chat and prattle, talk aloud ;

As
But

a faft I muft receive

it

woman

with a tongue
Could hold her peace, and hold it long;
that a

Pfhaw

I can't believe

it.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

158

Lines by Pope.

MY
Has

lord complains, that Pope, ftark mad with gardens,

lopp'd three trees, the value of three farthings ;

" But

he's

my

" And if he'll

" What on

neighbour," cries the peer polite,

vifit

me,

A lord's acquaintance

waive

I'll

compulfion

my

right/'

and againft

let

him

file

my

will

his bill."

Gibbon the Hiftorian, a Chriftian.

ENTHUSIASTS, Lutherans, and monks,
Jews, Syndics, Calvinifts, and punks,

Gibbon an

atheift call

While he, unhurt,

To

in placid

mood,

prove himfelf a Chriftian good,

Kindly forgives them

all.

Sentimental Charity.
fine-fpun pain does want excite
beggars near Penuria ftray;

SUCH

When
From

fear

of fainting

at the fight,

She turns her head another way.

Her

generous notions partial

The hand

that grants a

call

penny

So, as fhe cannot give to all,

She never gives to any.

No

Reafon in Law.

OUR ftatefmen all boaft, that in matter of treafon,

The law of Old England is founded on reafon,
But they own that when libel comes under its paw,
It is rarely, indeed, that there's reafon in law.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

159

Breaking the Fourth Commandment.

AT church I heard the parfon fay,

" No man muft work on Sabbath
day."
good heaven, how he did work
he got home, with knife and fork.

But, oh

When

The Mifer's

Feafl.

His chimney fmokes it is fome omen dire

His neighbours are alarm'd, and cry out " Fire!"
!

A trifling
Tom, who

SAYS

Correction.

held great contracts of the nation,

"I've made ten thoufand pounds by fpeculation."

"

Cries Charles,
Strike out the

fpeculation you deceive me

indeed, and I'll believe thee."

By

s,

Self- Knowledge.

ONE bowing
Said I,
I faid,

But he

to

"Who

me,

I'd feen long ago

art?" he

faid,

"

do not know;"

"
" know
I know thee ;"
I," faid he,
you ;"
who knows himfelf, I never knew.

"

To Doftor Empiric.

WHEN men
Of old,

a dangerous difeafe did 'fcape,

they gave a cock to ^Efculape

me give two, that doubly am got free,

From my difeafe's danger, and from thee.
Let

The

Per-contra, or Matrimonial Balance.

How

ftrange, a deaf wife to prefer

True, but

Ihe's alfo

dumb, good

Sir.

LESSING.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

160

Pbillis's

How

old

Whofe

To

Phillis

may

beauty thus

anfwer

no eafy

is

For fhe has

really

Stiff in brocade,

Her
All day

And

Age.
be you afk,
all

hearts engages

tafk

two

ages.

and pinch'd in

flays,

patches, paint, and jewels on

let

envy view her

Phillis

is

face,

but twenty-one.

Paint, patches, jewels, laid afide,

At

night aftronomers agree,

The evening has the day belied ;

And Phillis is fome forty-three.
PRIOR.

Epigrams from the German of Lejfing.

Niger.

" He's
gone

at laft

old Niger's dead !"

Laft night 'twas faid throughout the city

Each quidnunc gravely (hook his head,

And ba/fthe town cried, "What a pity

!"

The news proved falfe 'twas all a cheat,

The morning came the fadl denying
And all the town to-day repeat
What balftiiz town laft night was crying.
;

Mendax.

Mendax telling
man with whom

SEE yonder goes old

To

that good eafy

How

know

Why,

don't you

I that

fee,

lies

he's walking

with fome furprife

you

afk,

my

friend, the fellow's talking.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On Burning

AN

poifonous juice which

Methought when

No
I

but an

veflel

Such

a dull Poem.

hoof alone can hold

afs's

That

I this
afs's

frigid fuftian

mean

161

kills

poem

by

cold.

read,

head

could contain

the head without the brain.

The cold conceits, the chilling thoughts,

Went down like ftupefying draughts;

my head begin to fwim,

numbnefs crept through every limb.
In hafte, with imprecations dire,
I found

A
I

threw the volume in the

When (who
It

could think

burnt to alhes in a

How

could

Though born

?)

fire

as ice,

trice.

more enhance
in

though cold

fnow,

it

fame

its

died in flame.

SWIFT.

A Nice
SAY which

Point.

enjoys the greater blifles,

who Dorinda's piflure kifles,

Or Tom, his friend, the favour'd elf,

John,

Who

kifles fair

Dorinda's

felf?

not eafy to divine,

While both are thus with raptures fainting,

Faith,

'tis

To which
Since

the balance fhould incline,

Tom

and John both

The Point

NAY,

a painting.

decided.

furely John's the happier

Becaufe

kifs

the pifture cannot

of the twain,

kifs

again

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

162

"
" Forma bonum
fragile

"

WHAT

a frail thing

is

beauty !" fays Baron Lc Cras,

had one eye of glafs

Perceiving
And fcarcely had he fpoke it,
his miftrefs

When
By

{he

more confufed,

as

more angry

maxim

a negligent rage proved the

She dropp'd the eye, and broke

(he

grew,

too true

it.

PRIOR.

The Dead Mifer.

FROM
What

the grave

where dead Gripeall, the

a villanous odour invades

all

mifer, repofes,

our nofes

be his body alone

in the hole
have certainly buried the

It can't

They

The bad Orator.

So

your grimace, and

vile

fo croaking

your fpeech,

One fcarcely can tell if you're laughing or crying;

Were you fix'd on one's funeral fermon to preach,
The bare apprehenfion would keep one from dying.

On
THAT

Dorilis thus,

Should

kifs little

But the lapdog

Dorilis.

on her

Pompey,

whom

lap as he
excites

thus

lies,

no

fhe

furprifej

keeps fondling and

praifing,

Licks her face in return

that I

own

is

amazing.

To a Slow Walker and Quick Eater.

So flowly you walk, and

fo quickly

you

eat,

You mould march with your mouth, and devour with

your

feet.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

two beautiful one-eyed

163

Sifters,

GIVE up one eye, and make your filler's two,

Venus fhe then would be, and Cupid you.
Specimen of the Laconic.

" BE

"

lefs

prolix," fays Grill.

Grill, you're

An

an

afs

I like advice.

Now,

!"

furely, that's concife.

Expectoration, or fplenetic Extempore on bis

departure from the city of Cologne.

As I am a
And now, at

rhymer,
leaft,

merry one,

Mr. Mum's Rudefheimer,

And

the church of St. Geryon,

Are the two things alone

That deferve to be known,
In the body-and-foul-flinking town of Cologne.
S. T. COLERIDGE.
Expeftoration the fecond.

IN Coin, the town of monks and bones,

pavements fang'd with murderous flones,

And
And

rags, and hags, and hideous wenches,

counted two-and-feventy flenches,
All well-defined and feparate {links

Ye nymphs that reign o'er fewers and

The river Rhine, it is well known,
Doth wafh your city of Cologne.
But

tell

finks,

me, nymphs, what power divine

wafh the river Rhine ?

Shall henceforth

S.

T. COLERIDGE.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

164

Dialogue between a Catholic Delegate and bis Royal

Highnefs the Duke of Cumberland.
SAID his Highnefs to Ned, with that grim face of his,
"
Why refufe us the veto, dear Catholic Neddy ?"

"

Ned, looking

Becaufe, Sir," faid

" You're

full

in

forbidding enough,

in his phiz,

all

confcience,

already."

THOMAS MOORE.
What's my Thought like.
S^uejl.

Why

Ans.

Becaufe

is

pump

like

Vifcount Caftlereagh?

a (lender thing of

it is

That up and down

its

wood,

awkward arm doth fway,

And coolly fhout, and fpout, and fpout away,

In one weak, wafhy, everlafting flood
!

T. M.

On

To

a Squinting Poetefs.

no one mufe does

But has an eye,

me

her glance confine,

at once, to all the nine.

T. M.

On

the difappointment of the Whig affociates of the

Prince Regent at not obtaining office.

YE

politicians, tell

Why
This

is

thus with

the worft that

Some wind

And

me, pray,

woe and

left

care rent?

you can

fay,

has

blown

the

Hair Apparent.
CHARLES LAMB.

the

wig away,

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

165

On the Prince Regent being feen as

be flood between the coffins of Henry f^III. and
Charles I. in the royal vault at Windfor.

Windfor Poetics.

FAMED

for

contemptuous breach of facred

headlefs Charles fee heartlefs

By

Between them

ties,

lies

Henry

ftands another fcepter'd thing

moves, it reigns in all but name, a king;

Charles to his people, Henry to his wife,
In him the double tyrant ftarts to life ;

It

Juftice

Each

Ah

vampyre wakes to life

what can tombs avail, fince
royal

The

and death have mix'd their duft

in vain,

again.

thefe difgorge

blood and duft of both to mould a George?

LORD BYRON.
Fritz.

QUOTH

To

gallant Fritz,

The meaning

He

"I

ran

away

fight again another day."

of his fpeech

only fled to

is

plain,

fly again.

The Death of Dr. Morrifon

from

Bentley's

Mifcellany.

WHAT'S

the

news? why, they

fay death has kill'd Dr.

Morrifon.

The

pill-maker? Yes.

Then

death will be forry foon.

Wellington's Nofe.

" PRAY,

why

does the great captain's nofe

Refemble Venice?"

"

Why," quoth Sam

Becaufe

it

Duncomb
"

cries.

I fuppofe
Rogers,
has a bridge of fize (fighs)."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

166

On

two Gentlemen, one of whom, O'Conne//, delayed a

duel on the plea of bis wife's illnefs s the other declined
on account of the illnefs of his daughter.

SOME men, with

a horror

of {laughter,

Improve on the Scripture command,

And honour their wife and their daughter,

That
To

their days

may

be long in the land.

ProfeJJor Airey, on his marrying a beautiful

woman.
has gain'd that double prize
forced muficians to divide the crown

AIREY alone

Which

His works have

raifed a mortal to the fkies,

His marriage-vows have brought a mortal down.

SIDNEY SMITH.

The Smoker.

ALL dainty meats I do defy

Which feed men fat as fwine,
He is a frugal man indeed
That on a leaf can dine
!

He

needs no napkin for his hands,

His fingers' ends to wipe,

That keeps

And

On
THAT

his kitchen in a

roaft

meat

box,

in his pipe.

the Art- Unions.

picture-raffles will

conduce

to nourifli

Defign, or caufe good colouring to flourilh,

Admits of logic-chopping and wife fawing,

But furely

lotteries

encourage drawing.

THOS. HOOD.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

To Mifs

WITH woman's

167

form and woman's

tricks

So much of man you feem to mix,

One knows not where to take you
I pray you, if

Go,

afk of

Or what

not too

far,

Nature which you are,

fhe meant to make you.

you need not

Yet, ftay,

With

'tis

-take the pains

neither beauty, youth, nor brains,

For man or maid's

defiring

Pert as female, fool as male,

As boy

The

too green, as girl too ftale,

thing's not

worth inquiring

THOMAS MOORE.
The

MECHANIC

Superiority of Machinery.

his labour will often difcard

If the rate of his pay he

But a clock

and

its

cafe

is

diflikes

uncommonly hard

Will continue to work though \tftrikes!

THOMAS HOOD.

Now
Who

Lying in State.
from the chamber all are gone
gazed and wept o'er Wellington

Derby and Dis do

To

emulate

all

fo great a

they can

man

If neither can be quite fo great,

Refolved is each to lie in ft ate.

W.

S.

LANDOR.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

168

On

obferving a Vulgar

Name

on the Plinth of

an Ancient Statue.

BARBARIANS muft we always be ?

Wild hunters in purfuit of fame?

Muft

nowhere

there be

ftone or tree

Ungafh'd with fome ignoble name

Tufcan dome,
May every god watch over thee
Apollo bend thy bow o'er Rome,

in thy

Oh, Venus,

And
As

fitter's

guard thy

Let Britons paint

chaftity.

their bodies blue

formerly, but touch not you.

W.

SAVAGE LANDOR.

Irijh Particular.

SHIEL'S oratory

's

Dublin

like bottled

flout

For, draw the cork, and only froth comes out.

Sticky.

" I'M

going to

feal a letter,

Some wax pray

give to

Dick,

me."

"I have not got a Jingle Jlick

Or whacks I'd give to thee."
,

The Amende Honorable.

" On that
fervant-maid
Will,

QUOTH

"

My

young

heart

Quite

its

fafe !"

She pays

life-ftring flakes."

cries

Dick,

"

don't be afraid

for all (he breaks."

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

169

The Railway of Life,

SHORT was

the pafTage through this earthly vale,

when mortals ufed to wend

turnpike roads

By

But now we

As foon

travel

again

by the way of

we

rail,

reach the journey's end.

To a rich young Widow.

I

WILL not

The
Thofe

As
I'll

afk if thou canft touch

tuneful ivory key

filent notes

quite fuffice for

make no

The

of thine are fuch

me.

queftion if thy

flail

pencil comprehends,

Enough

for

me,

love, if thou

ftill

Canft draw thy dividends.

Conjugal Conundrum.

WHICH is of greater value, prithee, fay

The bride or bridegroom? muft the truth
The bride is given away
Alas, it muft
The bridegroom's often regularly fold.
!

be told?

Epigram, by y. G. Saxe, on a Recent

Clajfic Controverfy.

NAY, marvel

not to fee thefe fcholars fight,

In brave difdain of certain fcathe and fear

'Tis but the genuine, old Hellenic fpite,

" When Greek meets

Greek,
war!"

then comes the tug of

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

170

The Czar.

CZAR Nicholas

is

fo

devout, they fay,

elfe than
prey.

His majefty does nothing

Epigram, by J. G. Saxe.

"
QUOTH David to Daniel, Why is it thefe fcholars
Abufe one another whenever they fpeak?"

"
Quoth Daniel to David, It nat'rally follows
Folks come to hard words if they meddle with
Greek!"

On

AN

idle attorney

an Ill-read Lawyer.
befought a brother,

For " fomething to read fome novel or other,

That was really frefh and new."

"Take Chitty!"* replied his legal friend,

" There ifn't a book that I could lend
Would prove more

On

novel to you

"
!

an Ugly Perfon Jilting for a Daguerreotype.

HERE Nature

in her glafs

Sits, gravely

making

And

me

while

the

wanton

elf

faces at herfelf ;

fcans each clumfy feature o'er,

Repeats the blunders that

me made

before !"

Woman's Will.

MEN

dying make their wills

work fo fad ;
mould they make what

but wives

Efcape a

Why

The
*

gentle

Author of a

all

their lives

dames have had ?

great

number of works on

law.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

171

Family Quarrels.

"A

FOOL,"

" But

" is

faid Jeanette,

a creature I hate !"

"

is immoral
hating," quoth John,
Befides, my dear girl, it's a terrible fate

To

be found in a family quarrel !"

Jupiter Amans.

Dedicated

Vittor Hugo.

to

" LE PETIT" call not him who

by one
Has turn'd old fable into modern faft.

aft

Nap Louis courted Europe Europe Ihied

The imperial purple was too newly dyed.
" I'll have her
"
he,

though," thought
by rape or rapine
Jove nods fometimes, but catch a Nap a napping
And now I think of Jove, 'twas Jove's own fix,
!

And

fo I'll

Old

itching

And

he

'Twas

borrow one of Jove's own

Palm

(hall

lend

me

tricks.

with a joke,

I'll tickle

England's decent cloak."

and done, and his fuccefs was

Europa with the guife of Bull

faid

He won

full

The Leader.
The Blind

THE

On

good

live poor,

rogues,

Dame

Goddefs.

and thou doft wafte

Fortune,

all

thou

Well did the poets feign thee blind

But was it in the eyes or mind ?

The Fool

or

haft

Knave.

THY

praife or difpraife

One

doth not ftroke me, nor the other

is

to

me

alike

ftrike.

BEN JONSON.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

172

Malt Liquor,

No

or cheap French

ale or beer, fays

Gladftone,

we

Wine ?
fhould drink,

Becaufe they ftupefy and dull our brains.

But four French wine, as other people think,

Our Englifh ftomachs often forely pains.

The queftion then is which we moft fhould

An

aching belly or an aching head

J.

dread

H. C. WRIGHT.

On

a Young Lady, who had been a great card-player,

marrying a Young Man who worked in Tier father's

garden.

TRUMPS
Sure

ever ruled the charming maid

the world will pardon her !

all

"

The

deftinies turned up a
Spade,"
She married John the gardener !

On

AT

a Dog-collar.

thieves I bark

And

at lovers

thus I pleafe both

Latrans excepi fures

Sic placui

Domino

et

tail

mutus amantes

fie placui

On Moore

WHEN

wag my

Lord and Lady Thrale.

;

Dominas.

the Poet.

Limerick once in

idle

whim,

her member, gaily courted,

The boys, for fun's fake, aflc'd of him
To ftate what party he fupported ;

Moore,

When
" I'm

as

thus to

them the anfwer ran,

of no party as a man,
But as a poet, am a tory"

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Sent acrofs the Court by a Barrifter

to

173
a beautiful

Lady.

WHILST
Is there

You,

petty offences and felonies fmart,

jurifdidlion for ftealing one's heart?

no

fair

one, will fmile, and fay,

" Laws,

I defy

you !"

AfTured that no peers can be fummon'd to try you

But think not fuch paltry defence fhall fecure you,

For the Graces and Mufes

Addrejfed

o'er

their

On

make

a jury.

George III. on bis reparation

by a vifit to Wey mouth.

to

SOVEREIGN of an

Where'er

will juft

ifle

renown'd

to

health

for undifputed fway,

yonder gulf profound her navies wing

way:

jutter claims fhe builds at length

her empire of the

fea;

And

rightly

deems thofe waves her

ftrength,

which

ftrength reftored to thee.

The Gout
URBES had the gout

Then from

in the

fo that

Hand.

he could not ftand

hand
When it was in his feet, his charity was fmall,
Now it is in his hand, he gives no alms at all.
his feet it fhifted to his

HERRICK.

No Redeeming
" PRAY,

does

Enough

" No,

it

Virtue.

always rain in this hang'd place,

to drive

one mad, heaven knows?"

pleafe your grace,"

Cried Boniface, with fome grimace,
" Sometimes it
fnows."

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

174

Conjugal Jars.

KNOW we

not

all,

the Scripture faith,

are one till death ?

That man and wife

But Peter and

Wage

You'd fwear, on

ftrife,

paffing Peter's door,

That man and wife

" DON'T

wife

his fcolding

fuch an endlefs war of

at leaft

were/oar.

you think there would be much more blood-

fhed than

now,

If the women,
"

waging

like

men,

own

their

wars might be

"
Quoth cynical Dick. Said his friend, I allow
That there might, for I'm fure they'd be always
engaging."

On
GUTTLE'S god

a Glutton.
beef and mutton,

is

Proverbially he's

dubb'd

a glutton;

Whilft he with indignation fweats

And fwears one meal a day he eats.

One meal
But

that

a day ? True, Guttle's right

meal lafts from morn till night.
:

Brag.

THE

initials

of Brougham, Ruflell, Althorp, and Grey,

If rightly difpofed, the

word Brag

will difplay

Tranfpofe them, and Grab will appear to the view

Which hints at what many aflert to be true

That

they, like former ftatefmen,

Firft to

brag what

they'll do,

ftill

follow the plan,

and then grab

all

they can.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

175

The Royal Exchange.

WHERE

genius ftarves and dulnefs thrives,

Where

riches virtue are efteem'd

And

craft

is

trueft

wifdom deem'd,

Where commerce proudly rears her

In ftate to other lands unknown
Where to be cheated and to cheat,

throne,

Strangers from every quarter meet

Where Chriftians, Jews, and Turks make

United in commercial bands
All of one

No

faith,

and that

to

hands,

own

god but Intereil alone.

CHURCHILL.
*

Whiggijh Preemption.

" THE
Queen is with us," Whigs exulting fay,
" For when me found us in me let us
ftay."
It

may

How

be fo

long

but give

fhe'll

me

keep you,

leave to doubt,

when me

finds

you out.

Punning.

THAT punning is an idle fport,

And of all wit the low eft fort,
I grant ; for by its ftation,
'Tis evidently wit's foundation.

An
I

Author's apology for knocking a Printer's teeth out.

MUST

confefs that I

was fomewhat warm

But where's the mighty harm?

works, he faid, would not afford him meat

I broke his teeth.

My

And

teeth are ufelefs,

when

there's

nought to eat.
T. SHERIDAN.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

76

To the author of an Epitaph on the celebrated

Dr. Mead.

MEAD'S not dead then, you fay; only

Why,

egad

Sir,

you've hit

it

Yet, friend, his awaking I very

Pluto knows

THAT

who he's got,

fleeping a little;

off there to a

much

tittle

doubt,

and will ne'er

let him out.

HACKETT.

ignorance makes devout, if right the notion,

a man of great devotion.

Troth, Rufus, thou'rt

'Tis from high

high characters are drawn

life

A faint in crape twice a faint in lawn

A judge juft a chanc'lor jufter ftill;
A gownman learn'd a bifhop, what you
is

is

Wife,

if a minifter

will

but if a king,

More wife, more learn'd, more juft, more

Court

ev'ry thing.

virtues bear, like gems, the higheft rate,

Born where heaven's influence

fcarce can penetrate.

POPE.

On

the performance of a new Tragedy, entitled William

Tell, at Drury Lane Theatre.

You

tell

If you

us William Tell fucceeded

tell

truly, then

On

WHEN
He

It

is

well

teU.

Milton's Wife.

Milton was blind,

married a wife,

Will Tell will

whom

as all the

world knows,

his friend call'd a rofe

"I am no judge of flowers, but indeed," cried the

" If me be a rofe,
by the thorns I may know it."

poet,

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

-bearing a wealthy

177

Young Lady maintain that the

fame effects ; many

caufes always produce the

fame

Gentlemen having catted on her during the argument.

THAT

opposite effects

From

the fame caufe,

flow

may
'tis

clear

For money makes the mare

But makes the men to come.

On feeing
"

WHY

Was

hum

no

's

to go,

a pompous Funeralfor a bad Hufband.

for

your fpoufe

he not

Did he not

his life

all

teaze,

And plague you

" True, but at

and

this

pompous

your curfe
fcold,

and

fufs

fight,

morning, noon, and night?"

length one fingle aftion

Made up for each paft malefaftion."

"
" Indeed what was this
adtion, pray ?
"
Why, Sir, it was he died one day."
!

On

a Gentleman bringing on a fever e fit of illnefs by an

excefs in walking exercife, in order to preferve bis
health.

PRITHEE

my

ceafe,

breath

good

friend, to

'Tis in vain thefe exertions you

And

to

"walk for your life"

Is the

very

On
ALL
Yes

" worft
a

Man

the hairs of
!

expend thus your

ftep

make

againft fure-footed Death,

you can

take

"
!

becoming fuddenly Bald.

Tom's head have

quite

left it

of late:

they wifely withdrew from fo fooliih a pate!

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

178

On

From

a Jlupid and miferly Pbyjician.

the Italian.

CROWDS of patients every hour

Sordid Galen's aid demand ;

And

ftill
golden guineas fhower
Into his ftill extended hand :

Yet, thofe he takes, he dares not fpend,

his ufelefs heap ftill heaps them
who's
the greateft fool, my friend,
Say,
You who give, or he who keeps them

But to

The Anniverfarj.
KEEPING Tom's wedding day,
Boozed

till

their brains

his friends

were addled

They drank his bridal day ! Tom figh'd,

"That fame day I vizsfaddled."

On Queen

Dido.

ALAS poor Dido, in what mocking plight

Your hufbands' fates have left you
!

Since one by dying caufed your

And

flight,

of life bereft you.

t'other's flight

Rocbefters Grace at a Mifers Feaft.

THANKS for this miracle

Than manna dropping in

It

is

no

lefs

the wildernefs.

Chimnies have fmoked that never fmoked

And we

have dined where

To Linus.

WHAT my

(Lib.

we
ii.

fhall

before,

dine no more.

Ep. 38.)

farm yields me, doft thou urge to know

This, that I fee not thee, when there I go.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

179

Brighton.

TELL me why on Brighton church you

fee

golden fhark* difplay'd,

Unlefs 'twere aptly meant to be

An emblem
Nor

of its trade?

can the truth fo well be told

In any other

way

mark

Brighton's the

The company

its

that lives

on gold,

prey.

A lady having found a

Poems under the pillow of her maid's

Tom Moore.

copy of Little s

bed, wrote on it

in pencil :

You

read Little I guefs,

you'd read lefs.

I wifti

Under which,

maid wrote
I

march of intellect, the

infpired by the

read Little before,

Now

mean

to read

The Mortgage.

From

" DEAR

Furius,

you may

Moore.
Catullus.

reft allured,

My country-houfe well fecured."

" How ? With
good timber, ftone,
is

From wind, and

"

Ah, no

Which
It

is

To

rain,

and

and
"

plafter,

all difafter ?

but by a certain fkin,

encafed in painted tin,

fecured for " money lent,"
is

a curft fon of

Ten-per-Cent."

THEODORE MARTIN.
* Placed on the

new

church.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

180

To Mr. Hobboufe,

on bis eleftionfor Weftminjler.

By Lord Byron.

WOULD you get to the Houfe through the true gate,

Much quicker than even Whig Charley went,
Let Parliament fend you

And Newgate
On

a Bankrupt,

No
.

Newgate,
you

lately

to Parliament.

turned Preacher.

more by

creditors perplex'd,
ruin'd tradefmen's angry din

Or

He

to

will fend

boldly preaches from the text,

"

ftranger,

and / took him

in.'

On

bearing a Lady aJjTert that the lot of men bad, in all

ages, been better than that of women s and that all
biftory, facred

WHAT

How

and profane, proved it.

men than women

falfe

greater bleffings mare ?

the charge, one inftance mall declare.

When woman* looking back, faw things denied

To mortal eye to view me only died
When man * look'd back, a harder fate he proved
He lived to weep the lofs of her he loved.
!

On

hearing a Gentleman boafl of tbe antiquity of bis

family.

THAT

would not difpute,

Even though you mould claim your defcent from
your family's ancient, I

Brute.
*

Alluding, 1 believe, to Lot's wife in Jacred, and Orpheus

prcfane hiftory.

in

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

181

True Friends.

WELL

faid,

my

friend, I like

your creed,

That friends in need are friends indeed

Thus you and I are friends moft true,
For I'm

in need,

and

fo are

you

To an Odd Gentleman.
IN Noah's days if you had lived,
He'd have been puzzled what

to

do

For Lord knows, how he'd have contrived

To find two animals like you.

On

A
A

a Rich Cobbler.

HAUGHTY

(Lib.

iii.

Ep. 16.)

enrich'd cobbler durft beftow

moft profufe and princely fencers-mow

in his life he earned by the awl,

What

At fword and

buckler-fight he wafted

all.

Sure thou wert drunk; thou couldft not, cobbler, play,

In any fober mood, thy hide away.

Enough of mows ; now to thy fkins abide

Fear what befel the afs i' th' lion's hide.
To a Fool going

to travel.

You fay you'll fpend a thoufand pound

The world and men to know,
And take a tour all Europe round,
Improving

Dear Jack,

as

you

go.

in fearch of others' fenfe

Difcover not your own ;

But wifely double the expenfe

That you may

pafs

unknown.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

82

The

ONCE

An

and the

Prieji

Oftler.

fome holy time, perhaps 'twas Lent,

at

honeft oftler to confeffion went.

And there
Of various

of fins a long extended fcore,

fhape and fize he mumbled o'er;

Till having clear'd his confcience of the

fluff,

For any moderate confcience quite enough,

He

"What more?"

ceafed.

the

reverend father

cried.

"

"

No

th'

more,"

But,"

There

unburthen'd penitent replied.

faid the artful prieft,

"

yet unreveal'd,

lurks one darling vice within your thoughts conceal 'd.

Did you,

in all your various modes of cheating,

"
Ne'er greafe the horfes' teeth to fpoil their eating ?
"
So
to
cried
then
clofe
each
ftrain,
Never,"
Crop.

He

was abfolved, and

fent to fin again.

Some months from hence,

fad

flings

of confcience

feeling,

Crop

at confeffional again

When

lo

at

every

was kneeling,

ftep his confcience eating,

Out popp'd a groan, and horfes' teeth and greafing

" Sanfta Maria " cried the aftonifh'd
prieft,
" How much
fins have with
increafed
;

your days

your

When
"

laft I

True,"

And

faw you, you denied

faid the oftler,

alfo true, that,

I never, father,

till

very true

it is,

that bleffed time,

heard of fuch a crime."

A
SOMETIMES

"

all this."

to fenfe

Character.

fometimes to nonfenfe leaning

But always blund'ring round about his meaning.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

183

reading of the Execution of a Malefaftor wbofe

name was Vowell.

" VOWELL!"
" The

Thy

quoth Ned, with figh profound.

forfeit

now

is

paid

num'rous crimes have

juftice found,

Though juftice was delay *d."

" but
" True,"
ceafe,
fays his friend,

I pray,

Supprefs at once your figh,

Since, thank our ftars, no one can lay,
or I."
'Tis either

The Captain and

ROBBER on

The

the Doftor.

a captain popt,

valiant hero fled

He

afterwards a dodtor ftopt,

The doftor (hot him dead.

Anfwer.
THERE'S nothing new in

this affair,

'Tis pradtifed every day

Phyficians

While

On

ftill,

Affncanus.

African

with courage
run away.

kill,

foldiers

(Lib.

xii.

Ep. 10.)

millions has, and yet does groan,

Fortune can give too much, enough

to

none.

Plain Dealing.

MY

verfes oft difpleafe

You

love not to hear truth, nor I to

you

what's the matter

flatter.

SIR J. HARRINGTON.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

184

Military Jeu-d'Efprit.

COLONEL, by Chronicles,

In

ftyle

The

late it

appears,

gave a feed to his crack volunteers ;

dimes were good, but the glafTes fo fmall,

His heroes could fcarcely drink any

The commandant thus

" Gentlemen,
Said,

to his right

charge,

A jolly
Cried,

let

at all.

and

left

wing

us drink to the king!"

fub. eyeing his glafs at the time,

"

Colonel, here's hardly enough for a prime /"

The Lame Beggar.

I

AM

unable, yonder beggar cries,

If he fays true, he

To ftand or move.

J.

The
I

Man

of Fajhion's Diary.

LAUGH, joke, quarrel,

Do

all

WHEN

that mortal

lies.

H.

fiddle,

dance, game, drink,

but think.

man

can do

The

Affirmative.

me would go,
The fair one replied to me, " No, Richard, no."
At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guefs
Celia was afk'd if to church

For from grammar

On One who

I learn'd

No and

to

the

will Volatio quit this

fly to his

for yes

own

Moon.
world

fets

fo

native feat, the

'Twill ferve, however, in fome

That he

no flood

!''

thought he had invented a Method of

flying

AND
And

"

foon

moon ?

little ftead,

out with fuch an empty head.

DODDRIDGE.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Whig and

WHIG

Tory.

By Jaron

and Tory fcratch and

185

Hill.

bite,

hungry dogs, we fee

Tofs a bone 'twixt two, they fight,
Juft as

Throw
The

THE
Is, in

But
Is

a couple, they agree.

moji Fajbionable Diner.

gentleman who dines the lateft

our ftreet, efleem'd the greateft

furely, greater than

he

who

never dines at

" Brevis

ejjfe

all.

tongue no length of larum runs

Two

phrafes anfwer every part

One gaind, one

breaks her hufband's heart:

/ will, fhe faid, when made a bride

/ won't through all her life befide.

The Doftor and Undertakers.

AT

Highgate, by falubrious

Had
But

air,

thriven butchers, bakers

fince a dodtor fettled there,

None

thrive but undertakers.

On
You move

all

laboro."

fex's foible fhuns

CELIA her

Her

them

Bad

For, one by one,

Orator.

when you fpeak,

away they fneak.

the people

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

i86

" >uod
petis,

bic eft."

No

plate had John and Joan to hoard,

Plain folk, in humble plight;

One

only tankard crown'd their board,

that was fill'd each night ;

And

Along whofe inner bottom

fketch'd,

In pride of chubby grace,

Some rude engraver's hand had etch'd

baby-angel's face.

John fwallow'd firft a moderate fup ;

But Joan was not like John ;
For when her lips once touch'd the cup,
She fwill'd till all was gone.
John often urged her to drink
But fhe ne'er changed a jot
She loved

And

to fee the

Angel

fair,
:

there,

therefore drain'd the pot.

When

John found all remonftrance

Another card he play'd ;

And where

He

the

Angel

flood fo plain,

got a Devil portray'd.

Joan faw the horns, Joan faw the

Yet Joan

And

ever,

as ftoutly quaff'd

when

She clear'd

John

vain,

flared,

it

tail,

fhe feized her ale,

at a draught.

with wonder petrify'd

His hair flood on

his pate

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
"

And,
" At

" Oh

Why
this

doft guzzle

cried,

"

" am

ftie faid,

John,"

now," he

enormous rate?

187

I to

blame

confcience flop ;
For fure 'twould be a burning fhame
I can't in

To

"

leave the devil a drop

S. B.

Pbilofopbical Milkmen.

THAT milkmen

are philofophers

'tis

true,

keep celeftial elements in view ;

howfoe'er their fellow-men complain

They

And
Of difmal

profpedts and inceffant rain,

Their

fcene's transform'd \ojky-bltu twice a day,

They

get their living

by the milky way.

New
DURING

the late

Taxes.

" heaven-born

tion the following

minifter's

epigram appeared

"

adminiftra-

"

What can we tax next,

Says Billy,* quite vex'd,
I wifh fome good fellow would mow."
"

Why,

Tax

hark," replied one,

fum,
each curfe that

is

"

'twill

bring in a round

vented on you."

To the Gas Makers.

OUR morals
What praife
Our
Our

ftreets

city's

as

to

well as appearance muft

your labours and fcience

mow
we owe.

and our manners you've equally brighten'd,

lefs
<vV-ed, and much more enlighten*d
t

Pitt the younger.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

88

On

the Late

WHENE'ER contending

War.

parties fight,

For private pique, or public right ;

Armies are raifed, the fleets are mann'd,
They combat both by fea and land.

When,

after

many

battles paft,

Both, tired with blows, make peace at

What

is it,

after all, they get

Why, widows,

On

taxes,

laft

wooden

legs,

and debt!!!

On Cbrift^s Anfwer, that

Heavenly Love.
"
nubent,
neque
neque nubentur."

in

Heaven

PLURIMUS

in coelis

Conjugia in

terris

amor

eft,

connubia nulla;

plurima, nullus amor.

OWEN'S Epigrams.
Tranjlation.

IN heaven they love, but do not marry :

On earth we wed ; our dreams of love mifcarry.

On

Sir Walter Scott's

Poem of Waterloo.

By Lord Erjkine.

ON
Full

Waterloo's enfanguined plain,

many

a gallant

But none, by

man

lies {lain

bullet or

Fell half fo flat as

by mot,
Walter Scott.

The Power of Gold.

GOLD
That

The

is fo duftile, learned
chymifts fay,
half an ounce will ftretch a wond'rous

metal's bafe, or elfe the chymifts err,

For now-a-days our fovereigns wont go far !

way

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

a General
on a

Tbankfgiving,

189

written on a Church-door

Day of Tbankfgiving,
American War.

during the

VAIN-GLORIOUS man, are thefe thy pranks,

Firft murder men,

Then

give

God

thanks

Vile hypocrite, proceed no further,

For

God

No

thanks for murder.

receives

Rhyme for

"

Porringer"

LORD Ross, having propofed a prize as a reward to any

one who fhould find a rhyme to the word " Porringer,"
received the following epigram

The Duke

of York a daughter had ;

gave the Prince of Orange her.
now, my lord, I claim the prize

He
And

For finding rhyme

On
SEVEN

cities

to

"

Porringer."

Prince Talleyrand.

boafted

Homer's

birth,

'tis

true,

But twenty boaft of not producing you.

On

the Marriage

ofj. Thomas

SINCE Thomas, who was lately

In Hymen's noofe hath got,
I

to

E. Loft.

free,

wifh him joy, and hope he'll be

Contented with his Lott.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

190

To make a Guinea.

As Quin and Foote one day walk'd out,

To view the country round,

mood
Hard by the

In merry

Foote from

And

pound.

pocket a milling took,

his

faid,

they chatting flood,

village

"

I'll

bet a penny,

In a fhort fpace, within

I'll

make

this piece a

this place,

guinea."

Upon the ground, within the pound,

The milling foon was thrown
" Behold," faid Foote, " the
made
:

thing's

For there

"

out,

one pound one."

is

"

wonder not," fays Quin,

that thought
Should in your head be found,

Since that's the

One

way your

debts to pay,

milling in the pound."

T. W. CROKER.

WHEN

afk'd

What

fifti

" Turbot,"

by Allen t'other day,

I fain would face,

I faid,

" was
my

delight ;"

But Allen fwore 'twas Plaice.

T.

W.

CROKER.

Epigram on Epigrams.

THE
As

to

beft

of epigrams mould be

reftrain'd,

be read, in running, and retain'd.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

Erin.

JUSTICE for Ireland

rends the fky,

Shouted by many a Popifh

Juftice for Ireland

"

Hang

too

we

traitor

cry,

every agitator."

" WHATEVER
So

191

is, is

right," fays Pope,

faid a llurdy thief;

But when

He

his fate required a

rope,
varied his belief.

I afk'd if

ftill

he held

"

it

good

Why, no," he flernly cried

" Good texts are
only underftood
;

By

being well applied."

Out of

Spirits.

"Is my wife out of fpirits?" faid John, with

As her voice of a tempeft gave warning.

"

Quite out,

" For me

On Mr.

Sir,

a figh,

indeed," faid her maid in reply,

finifh'd the bottle this

morning."

Landlord of the Angel at Oxford,

Griffith,

changing the name of bis hotel after the vijlt of

Queen Adelaide.

WHEN
By

claffic

Oxford's ancient towers

Adelaide were feen,

Proudly her loyal hoft exchanged

His Angel for a Queen.
faith, when time is o'er,
The bright reverfe mall prove
The Queen an Angel mall be found

Virtue and

Among

the bleit above.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

92

To a

You

fay that

"in

No comment
For while

IT

no

fcribbling

figure I

with truth can be

cut;"

rifer,

I cut you, ftiould the queftion be put,

own

I muft

Critic.

is

that I cut but a cipher.

maxim

in the fchools

That women always doat on

fools

dear Jack, I'm fure your wife

Muft love you as me does her life.

If

fo,

On
OF

Bonaparte's Failure in RuJJia.

hard-named generals

all

that

caufed

much

dif-

traftion

And poor Boney's hopes fo ill-naturedly crofs'd,

The hardeft of all, and the keeneft in adlion,
That

On

Ruffia produces

is

General Froft.

the Marriage of Mifs Little, a lady remarkably

Jhort in feature.

THRICE happy Tom I think him

For, mark the poet's fong,
" Man wants but little here

fo

below,

Nor wants

that little long."

The Laft Debt.

" OH,

To

let

me

" How, die

No,

"
!

Eumenes

die in peace !"

hard creditor

at his

bed

roar'd Gripus,

no, Sir, you fhan't die

cried,

fide.

"
till

thus your debts evade

I

am

paid."

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.
To Mr.

April-Fool Day.

letter from

193

on receiving a blank

him on the firft of April.

PARDON, Sir, the trick you've play'd me,

an April fool you made me ;

When

Since one day only I appear,

What you, alas do all the year.
!

Charles James Fox's Reply to Mrs. Montague, who bad

" She did not care three
faid to him,
Jkips of a loufe

for him or

his politics."

SAYS Montague
" I do not care

to

me, and

in her

own

houfe,

you three fkips of a loufe."

I forgive it; for women, however well bred,
Will

ftill

talk

for

of that which runs moft in their head.

WHILE Adam
Strange

his

flept,

firft

" No
Cure,

from him

fleep

his

mould be

Eve

" No
Pay,

no Pay."

arofe

his laft repofe.

no Cure."

WHEN Doftor Lotion firft began

To praftife on the frame of man,
He bore but humble fway
:

Each morn

Was

his hofpitable

open, gratis, to the poor,

'Twas then

At

" No

length, with cane

The

door

dodlor

cure, no pay."

and pond'rous wig,

ftruts, a perfect prig,

In eminence fecure

The former fyftem quite deranged,

The poor forgot, the motto changed,
" No
'Tis now
pay, no cure."
o

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

194

The Two

Two

fingers

were

Which moft, when

charm

To

a matter

of mufic they jointly applied,

This often-contefted

They

Singers.

contention quite warm,

they tuned up their windpipes, could

oft in

quaver'd,

affair to decide.

fhaked, and

they

fuch graces were

mown,
That each took

was

for granted the prize

his

own.

"
Indeed, my good
" Of all

friend," cries the judge to the

earthly fingers, I think you're the worft :

But as
" You

round

for you, friend," (turning

can't Jing at all

to the other,)

muft yield to your brother."

fo

The

firft,

Plagiarift.

" A MAN of letters Smith " we all

agree
A man of letters yes, a man of three (fur).
!

Brotherly Kindnefs.
SIR Heclor brags he's rich and great,

And

lives upon his own eftate ;

But he permits his younger brothers

To
SUCH

live

upon

th' eftates

a liar as Peter I never

Put the truth in

his

mouth,

The

To wonder now
Is there a

of others.

came nigh ;
will come out

it

lie.

Orators.
at

day that

Balaam's
afles

afs, is

weak

do not fpeak

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Addre/ed

to Eleftors.

" GIVE me
your vote,"
" And I'll take care

The
Nor

195

Sir

Canvas

cries,

your fon mall rife."

promife made, he quits the door,
thinks of boy or promife more.

Meanwhile
Gets

the youth, to learning bred,

lofty notions in his head

But when

he

his patron

aflails,

And

To
He

finds each golden profpedl: fails,

beg amamed, to work untaught,

takes a purfe,

And
Thus

is

fairly

caught,

foon rewarded with a halter

proves the knight his kind exalter.

WHEN Trott in coach his foot

He blum'd, and back a ftep
For Trott himfelf could not

How many

reclined

forget

years he rode behind.

Truth

" AN union on
" An union on

firft fet,

told at Lafl.

principle," cries Fox,

"
"

I require !"

"

admire !
principle," fays Pitt,
Still this union's delay'd, and on very good ground

For where, pray,

is

principle

now

to be

found

Our principal ftatefmen are unprincipled jugglers;

Our principal merchants unprincipled fmugglers
Our principal rich are unprincipled knaves
;

And

our principal poor their unprincipled

flaves.

Through court, city, and country, we vainly purfue

A phantom much talk'd of but never in view.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

196

The two Wretches.

RICH Gripe doth

To

increafe that wealth he

Poor Shifter! doth

To

thoughts and cunning bend

wants the foul to fpend

all his

his

whole contrivance

fet

fpend that wealth he wants the fenfe to

happy would appear to each his fate,

get.

How

Had Gripe

his humour, or he Gripe's eilate

Kind Fate and Fortune, blend them, if you can;
And, of two wretches, make one happy man.
!

Wonder

to

be wondered at.

SYLVIA makes fad complaints, " She's loft her lover !"
Well, nothing ftrange can I in this difcover.

"

Nay, then thou'rt dull for here the wonder

She had a lover once don't that furprife?"

To a

lies ;

Gojfipping Apothecary.

To fwallow down thy med'cine is a curfe

To hear thy noxious fcandal ten times worfe
j

Inhuman wretch

Thy

phyfic

kills

repent thee of the wrong

enough, without thy poifonous tongue.

Rule of the Road.

THE

rule of the road

Both

in riding

If you go
If you go

But

in

the left you are fure to go right,

the right you go wrong :

to
to

it is a
paradox quite
and driving along ;

walking the

To the right

ftreets, 'tis a different cafe,

you mould bear,

quite enough of free fpace
For the perfons you chance to meet there.

To the

left

it is

right

fhould be

left

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

197

Port and Claret*

FIRM and ereft the Caledonian flood,

Prime was his mutton, and his claret good ;
" Let him drink
port," an Englifh ftatefman

He

drank the poifon and

The

" You

fee," faid

"I have
"I

finifh'd

cried.

his fpirit died.

Miferly Hojl.

our

hoft, as

we

my

houfe a

la

enter'd his doors,

Louis Quatorze."

" when
wifh," faid a gueft,
you afk us to eat,
You would furnifh your board a la Louis Dixhuit.
The eye cannot feaft when the flomach is flarving,
Pray

lefs

of your gilding and more of your carving."

Which Men

are preferable.

WHETHER tall men, or fhort men are beft,

Or bold men, or modeft and fhy men,
I can't fay, but I this can proteft,
All the fair are in favour of by

men.

Theodore Hook one day Jilting at the piano and extemporijlng verfes on the names of the company who were
prefent,

faw

Mr. Winter enter

ftarted off as follows

the room, and at once

HERE comes Mr. Winter, furveyor of taxes,

you to give him whatever he axes ;

I advife

And

that, too,

For though
"

his

without any nonfenfe or flummery,

name's Winter his actions are fummary.

John Home, the author of Douglas, had the

pofleflion in favour of claret,

and

was expelled from the market by high

epigram.

old Scottifh pre-

utterly detefted port;

duties,

when

claret

he wrote the above

Notes and Queries.

HUMOROUS, WITTY, AND

198

Conjugal Patience.
SIR Simon, as fnoring he lay in his bed,

Was awaked by the cry, " Sir, your lady is dead."

He heard, and returning to flumber quoth he,
" In the morn when I wake, oh! how
grieved I fhallbe."
The Fortunate

How

like

What
It

this

is

life

what

On

Woman

expreffion

is its

what

"Alas !"

wants but a tongue.

" That want

DefecJ.

pi&ure, you'd think that

breathes

it

fpirit

faid the fpoufe,

principal merit."

ofjixty years of age marrying a

Lad of

HARD is the fate of ev'ry childlefs wife,

The thoughts of wedlock tantalize her life.
Troth, aged bride, by thee 'twas wifely done,
To choofe a child and hufband both in one.
Complaint of the Gboft of Butler, author of Hudibras,
againft bis pretended monument in Weftminfter Abbey.

AGAIN

By

my

the

I lofe

garret-poverty

mean

my

fame

as

martyrs

For, like St. Stephen, I

is

mown

cov'ring of this Portland ftone

lofe their breath,

am

ftoned to death.

receiving a Brace of Pheajants from a

Law

Clerk

named Cope man.

IN Copeman's ear
" Immortal bards

this truth let

echo

tell,

mortal pheafants well:"

his clerkfhip's out, I wifh him herds

And when
Of golden clients

like

for his golden birds.

COWPER.

SATIRICAL EPIGRAMS.

The
IN a

199

Looking-glafs.

Joe loves himfelf to fpy,

If 'twere a true one, he the glafs would
falfe glafs,

A
THOUGH

(Good, ghoftly

They

Tail-piece.

in his labour

For two alone the

fly.

many

a fault appears,

partial parent fears

critics,

are as follows

grant

him

abfolution)

plan and execution.

PART

II.

MORAL AND PANEGYRICAL

EPIGRAMS.

PART

II.

MORAL AND PANEGYRICAL

EPIGRAMS.
Greek Epigram, Lucian, infcribed on a Column erefted
in a Piece

of Land that bad been often bought and

fold, imitated.

',

whom

thou

fee'ft

begirt with tow'ring

oaks,

Was

once the property of John O'Nokes

On him
And now

My
My

profperity

I feed the flocks

no longer

of John O'Stiles.

me by

his name
owner fondly does the fame
alike unworthy of their cares,

former mafter

call'd

I,

prefent

While

fmiles,

Quick pafs to captors, purchafers, or heirs.

Let no one henceforth take me for his own,
For Fortune, Fortune I am thine alone.
!

The Game of Life.

WHO
Who

has the better

game

has the worft,

ftill

ftill

fears the

end

hopes his game will mend.

MORAL AND

2O4

The Emperor Hadrian s Addrefs to

bis

Soul when dying.*

Tr(inflations.
I.

AH

!
gentle, fleeting, wav'ring fprite,
Friend and aflbciate of this clay,

To

what unknown

Wilt thou

now wing

region borne,
thy diftant flight,

No

more with wonted humour

But

pallid, cheerlefs,

gay,

and forlorn

BYRON.
2.

Poor,

little,

pretty, fluttering thing,

Muft we no longer

And

doft thou

To
Thy

take thy flight thou know'ft not whither

hum'rous vein, thy pleafing

Lies

And,

live together ?

plume thy trembling wing,

all

neglefted,

all

forgot

folly,

penfive, wav'ring, melancholy,

Thou

dread'ft

and hop'ft thou know'ft not what.

PRIOR.
3-

Ah

fleeting fpirit,

wandering

fire,

That long haft warm'd my tender breaft,

Muft thou no more this frame infpire ;
No more a pleafing, cheerful gueft ?
*

Animula

vagula, blandula,

Hofpes, comefque corporis,

Quae nunc

abibis in loca

Pallidula, rigida, nudula,

Nee, ut

foles, dabis jocos.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
Whither, ah whither,

To

205

art thou flying,

that dark undifcover'd fhore

Thou feem'ft all trembling, Ihivering,

And wit and humour are no more

dying,
!

POPE.

On Dr.

Doddridge's Motto,

By

" Dum vivimus vivamuf."

himfelf.

" LIVE while

you

"And

live," the epicure would fay,

feize the pleafure of the prefent day."

" Live while

you live," the facred preacher
" And
give to God each moment as it flies.
Lord, in

my

views

let

both united be

I live in pleafure while I live to

The

THE
At

foul, fecured in

cries,

Thee!"

Soul.

her exiftence, fmiles

drawn

dagger, and defies its point.

ftars fhall fade away, the fun himfelf

the

The
Grow dim
But thou

with age, and nature fink in years,

immortal youth,

{halt flourifh in

Unhurt amidft

The wreck

the

war of elements,

of matter and the

of worlds.

crufli

ADDISON.

Time.

OLD

father

Time Hands

Hill for

This moment here, the next

though you fpeak him e'er

never lags one ftep behind ;

And

He
If,

then, with

You

Time

e'en muft run as

none

he's

gone

fo kind,

you'd forward be,

faft as

he.

MORAL AND

206

On
IF evils

come

Fear.

not, then our fears are vain

And

if they do, fear

THE

wretch, condemn'd with

but augments the pain.

SIR THOMAS MORE.

Hope.

Still, ftill

on hope

relies

life to

part,

And every pang that rends the heart

Bids expectation rife.
Hope, like the glimmering taper's
Adorns and cheers the way,

light,

And ftill, as darker grows the night,

Emits a brighter ray.
GOLDSMITH.
Memory.

MEMORY

Still

To

thou fond deceiver,

importunate and vain,

former joys recurring ever,

And

turning

Thou,

Thy
And

all

like the

the paft to pain.

world, the oppreft opprefling,

fmiles increafe the wretch's

he

who wants

woe

each other bleffing

In thee muft ever find a

foe.

GOLDSMITH.
Unobtrujive Beauty.

As lamps burn
So modeft

filent

with unconfcious

eafe in beauty

light,

mines molt bright

Unaiming charms with edge refiftlefs fall,

And {he, who meant no miichief, does it all.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

207

The Way to be Happy.

" BEAR and
forbear," thus preach the Stoic fages,
And in two words include the fenfe of pages,
" With
patience bear life's certain ills ; and oh
!

Forbear thofe pleafures that muft end in woe."

Prudent Simplicity y from the Latin of Owen.

THAT thou may'ft injure no man, dovelike be,

And ierpentlike, that none may injure thee.
COWPER.
Reciprocal Obligation.

MAN
Man

and money a mutual friendmip mow ;

makes falfe money ; money makes man

Life, a Theatre ;

fo.

from Palladas of Alexandria.

we well may call,

Where every aftor muft perform with art ;
Or laugh it through, and make a farce of all,
THIS

Or

On

life

a theatre

learn to play with grace his tragic part.

three Preachers of St. Mary's, Cambridge,

attacking Calvin.

THREE preachers, in three diftant counties born,

The Church of England's doctrines do adorn
:

Harfh Calvin's myftic tenets were their mark,

Founded in texts perverted, gloomy, dark ;
Butler in clearnefs and in force furpafs'd ;

Malt by with fweetnefs fpoke of ages

Whilft Marjh himfelf,

who

With

bound the

criticifm's fetters

paft

fcarce could further go,

foe.

MORAL AND

208

On Homer,

Firgil,

and Milton.

THREE

poets in three diftant ages born,

Greece, Italy, and England, did adorn.
The firft in loftinefs of thought furpafs'd;

The
The

next in majefty

in both the

laft.

no further go ;
fhe join'd the former two.

force of nature could

To make

a third,

DRYDEN.

On

Death.

WHY fear ye
Who
He

From

the Greek of Agathias.

death, the parent of repofe,

the fenfe of penury and pain

numbs

comes but only once ; nor ever throws,

Triumphant once, his painful fhaft again.

ills
upon our life intrude,

But countlefs

Recurring oft in fad

From

viciflitude.

the Greek of Pbilo.

HOARY head, with fenfe combined,

Claims veneration from mankind ;
But, if with folly join'd, it bears
badge of ignominious years.

The

Grey

locks will pafs for fapience well

Until your tongue difiblve the

No

On

THE

fpell

as in

youth, 'twill all appear

longer fenfe, but merely hair.

Then,

Love and Friendjbip.

love that's cold, or friendfhip that's not

Does no one good

but

may do many harm.

warm,

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
Pifture of

THESE

Old Age y from

fhrivell'd finews

and

209

the Greek.

bending frame
of Time's ftrong hand proclaim,

The workmanfhip

this

Skill'd to reverfe whate'er the gods create,

And make
Hard
That

which they

that crooked

man

choice for

we

falhion ftraight.

or elfe to be

wretched, wrinkled thing you

tottering,

Age, then,

to die

all

for age

prefer

we

And travel on to life's laft lingering day.

Then linking {lowly down, from worfe to
Find Heaven's extorted boon our

On
EUROPE and

war thy

deathlefs

earthly glory

wit

Dug
Which

To

is

name

civic

may be

On
TRUE

worfe,

greateft curfe.

Wellington.

round thy brows the

That every

Afia, faved by thee, proclaim

Invincible in

Now

fee

pray,

wreath

we

twine,

thine.

Wit.

like the brilliant ftone,

from the Indian mine

boafts

two various powers

in one,

cut as well as Jhine.

Genius,

like that, if polifh'd right,

With
Appears

the fame gift abounds

at

once both keen and bright,

while it wounds.

And fparkles

Praife of a Lady's Grey Hair.

THOUGH

age has changed thee

I love thee ne'er the worfe

late fo fair,

For when he took thy golden hair,

He fill'd with gold thy purfe.

MORAL AND

2io

On

Tbofe who fell at Thermopylae.

GREATLY
For the

if this

to die

fair

For Greece and

And

left

be glory's height,

meed we own our fortune kind

liberty

we

to night,

plunged

a never-ending fame behind.

On Lord

Chancellor Somers.

SOMERS by nature great, and born to rife,

In counfel wary and in conduct wife,
His judgment fteady and his genius ftrong,

And

men own

all

the mufic of his tongue.

For a Suitor

AH

little

What

hell

in Chancery.

know'ft thou,
it is

who

haft never tried,

in fuing long to bide

To lofe good days that might be better fpent,

To wafte long nights in penfive difcontent
To fpeed to-day, to be put back to-morrow
To feed on home, to pine with fear and forrow;
To fret the foul with crofles and with care,
To eat the heart with comfortlefs defpair.
;

SPENSER.
jEfop's Fables.

OLD JEfop taught vain man to look

In Nature's much negledled book,

To

birds

For

leflbns out

and

beafts

by giving fpeech,

of common reach.

They whifper truths in reafon's ear,

If human pride would ftoop to hear
Nay,

The

often in loud clamours crave

rights

which bounteous Nature gave.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
On

the

THREE
And
But

Charms of my

From

Miflrefs.

211

the Greek.

goddefles once by young Paris were feen,

well might he boaft of fo noble a fight ;

as lately

with lovely Belinda I've been,

can boaft of more joys, and a vifion more bright.

Belinda is Juno whenever me walks,
I

Like Venus

me

fmiles,

and

like Pallas

On Cromwell and De

me

Witt.

DE WITT and Cromwell had each a brave

I freely confefs it, I am for old Noll.
Though

talks.

foul

government did a tyrant refemble,

England great and his enemies tremble.

his

He made

Freedom.

AH Freedome is a noble thing

Freedome makes man to haifflyking.
:

Freedome

He

all folace to

men

gives,

lives at eafe, that freely lives.

From BARBOUR'S Poem of" The Bruce."

Sloth the caufe of Ennui.

OF thofe, who time fo ill fupport,

The calculation's wrong
Elfe, why is life accounted fhort,
;

While days appear

fo

long

aftion 'tis we life enjoy

In idlenefs we're dead ;

By

The

foul's a fire will felf deftroy

If not with fuel fed.

VOLTAIRE.

MORAL AND

212

Love

As on

window

Joy.

late I caft

mine

eye,

faw a vine drop grapes with J. and C.

Anneal'd on every bunch. One ftanding by
I (who am never loth
Afk'd what it meant.
I

To fpend my judgment) faid, " It feem'd

To be the body and the letters both
Of joy and charity." " Sir, you have not
The man

replied

" it

to

me

mifs'd,"

figures Jefus Chrift."

GEO. HERBERT.
Avarice.

BUT as for av'rice, 'tis the very devil :

The fount, alas of ev'ry evil ;
The cancer of the heart, the worft of ills ;
!

Wherever fown,

No

luxuriantly it thrives
flower of virtue near it lives.

Like aconite, where'er it fpreads, it kills.

In ev'ry foil behold the poifon fpring !

Can

taint the beggar

From

and infeft the king.

the Greek of Arcbias.

THRACIANS, who howl around an infant's birth,

give the funeral hour to fongs and mirth,

And

Well
That

in

your grief and gladnefs are exprefs'd

labour, and that death is reft.

life is

Elegant Wit.

As

in

fmooth

So wit

is

by

oil,

the razor belt

is

politenefs fharpeft fet

whet,
;

Their want of edge from their offence is feen,

Both pain us leaft when exquifitely keen.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

213

Againft Intemperance.

WHILE on

foft

beds your pillow'd limbs recline,

DhTolved by Bacchus and the Queen of Love,

a daughter of that line,

Remember, Gout's

And

fhe'll diflblve

them

foon,

my

friend,

by Jove.
HEDYLUS.

The Dangler.
CHARM'D with

the

empty found of pompous words,

Carlo vouchfafes to dine with none but lords

Whilft rank and

For

thefe

For

thefe,

He

lives

titles all his

he barters every focial joy.

what you and I lincerely hate,
in form, and often fta'rves in Hate.

Carlo, enjoy thy peer

Rather

Go,

May

a flave to

you feem happy

Tranjlation

which
in

content to be

him than

friend to

the fubftance to retain the

fell

thoughts employ,

whilft

of a Latin

killed

Mr.

I'm

me.

mow

really fo.

infcription

on a cannon-ball

Nichols, Governor of Long IJland,

1672

"

Inftrumentum mortis

THOUGH you

charge

et

me with

immortalitatis"

ill,

curfe the

day of my

birth,

And
Yet

accufe
ftill

me of tearing

to the dead let

It has haften'd.the flight

On

To

a faint

from the earth

of an angel to heaven.

the Statue of Niobe.

From

ftone the gods have changed her

The

due credit be given,

fculptor's art has

the Greek.

but in vain,

made her breathe

again.

MORAL AND

214

On
THE

fun

now

clear, ferene the

Where'er you go,

a Shadow.

as faft the

golden

fhadow

cloud fucceeds, the fun-mine

The

fleeting

With your

phantom,

now

fled, is feen
its

fides,

flies
is

o'er,

no more

progrefs too does end

;
bright day
man ! the pifture of your friend.

See here, vain

On

Mife Foote, the Aflrefs.

HAD fair Maria's form but met the eyes

Of Paris when he yielded up the golden

prize,

Not

long he'd paufed 'twixt fear and duty,

But ftraight have crown'd a mortal queen of beauty.

On

Sbakjpeare's

GREAT Homer's

Too

Monument

at Stratford- upon- Avon.

birth feven rival cities claim,

mighty fuch monopoly of fame

Yet not

to birth alone did

His won'drous worth

With

all

Enlarged

Homer owe

what Egypt could beftow,

the fchools of Greece and Ajia join'd:

th'

immenfe expanfion of

his

mind,

Nor yet unrivall'd the Meeonian ftrain,

The Britijb eagle* and the Mantuan fwan
Tow'r equal heights. But, happier Stratford,
With incontefted laurels deck thy brow

thou

bard was thine unfchool'd, and from thee brought

More than all Egypt, Greece, or AJia taught.

Thy

Not Homer's felf fuch matchlefs honours won

The Greek has rivals, but thy Shakfpeare none.
;

* Milton.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
From

THAT

Martial.

(Lib.

i.

215

Epig. 9.)

Thrafea, or like Cato, great,

you,
Purfue their maxims, but decline their fate ;
like

Nor rafhly point the dagger to your heart ;

More to my wifh you aft the Roman's part,
I like not him, who fame by death retrieves
Give me the man, who merits praife and lives.
:

HAY.

On

From

the Statue of Alexander.

THE fculptor's

can brafs with

art

the Greek.

life

infpire,

Show Alexander's features and his fire

The ftatue feems to fay, with up-caft eye,
:

Beneath my rule the globe of earth (hall lie;

Be tbou,
Jove, contented with thy fky.

On

Menander.

From

the Greek.

THE very bees, O fweet Menander, hung,

To tafte the mufe's fpring, upon thy tongue

The

very Graces made the fcenes you writ

Their happy point of fine expreffion hit :

Thus

And

ftill

raife

you

live;

her glory

On

you make your Athens mine,

to the flues in thine.

Homer.

From

the Greek.

STILL in our ears Andromache complains

And ftill in view the fate of Troy remains

Bettor's dragg'd along;

Such ftrange enchantment dwells in Homer's fong ;
Whofe birth could more than one poor realm adorn,
Still

Ajax

For

all

fights;

the to orId

ftill

is

proud, that he was born.

MORAL AND

216

On

Sir Ifaac Newton.

NATURE, and Nature's laws lay hid in night

God faid, "Let Newton be!" and all was light.
:

POPE.

Hate.

ALAS

And
And

to think that love decays,

friendfhip wears with length of days,

hands disjoin and hearts diflever,

lives, grows, and lafts for ever.

But hate

TARLETON.

The Hatred of Women.

MEN

hate, becaufe in afl or ftrife

crofs each other's path

They
Short

is

And

the fpace for jealoufy,

fierce the hour of wrath

But woman's hate runs deeper

Though

The

is it

they forget

(haft that gall'd their

fairer face, a

More

far,

fhallower at the fpring

Right feldom

wing.

higher place,

worfhip, more applaufe,

woman loathe her friend

Will make a

Without

a deadlier caufe.

AYTOUN'S Botbwell.

OF what avail

are wealth

Rank, worfhip,

all

and power,
feek to win,

we

Unlefs they bring the pricelefs dower

Of reft and hope and peace within?

AYTOUN'S Eothwell.^

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

217

The Right Divine of Kings.

WHEN God's vicegerents on the earth

Know how to rule and fhine,
With fplendour

Then

is

as

becomes

their place,

their right divine.

AYTOUN'S

Botbtvetl.

The Artful Fair.

COQUET and
Both

airy at once her air,

though both feem negledled

with artful care,

ftudied,

Carelefs {he

is

Affefting, to feem unaffefted.

fkill her eyes dart every glance,

With

Yet change

fo foon,

you'd ne'er fufpeft them

fhe'd perfuade they wound by chance,

Though certain aim and art diredl them.

For
She

likes herfelf, yet others hates,

For that which in

And

while

She

is

me

herfelf

laughs at

me

them

prizes

forgets

the thing that (he defpifes.

The Ant, an example of induftry and providence.

TURN on

the prudent ant thy heedful eyes,

Obferve her labours, fluggard, and be wife:.
No ftern command, no monitory voice,
Prefcribes her duty, or directs her choice

Yet timely provident, (he haftes away

To fnatch the bleffings of a plenteous day;

When

fruitful

fummer

loads the teeming plain,

She crops the harveft and

me

ftores the grain.

DR.

S.

JOHNSON.

MORAL AND

218

The Power of Ridicule.

SAFE from the bar, the pulpit, and the throne,
And touch'd and fhamed by ridicule alone.
Marriage.

THE fum

of all that makes a

man happy,

juft

Confifts in the well choofing of his wife

And

then, well to difcharge

it,

does require

Equality of years, of birth, and fortune.

MASSINGER.

KEEP death and judgment always

None
Make

to live, but

is fit

who

is fit

in

ufe of prefent time, becaufe

Take up your

your eye,

to die

you muft

lodging fhortly in the duft;

'Tis dreadful to behold the fetting fun,

And night approaching ere your work is done.

From
I

WHO,

Before

my lattice
fair, my

Lais the

An

hateful glafs refign,

offering, heavenly

For what

And

Plato.

fame and beauty proud,

drew an amorous crowd,

erewhile, in

am,

'tis

Venus,

at

thy fhrine

piteous to behold,

time has ruin'd what I was of old.

The Church.

THE Church

not yon fabric of wood and ftone,

Rear'd by the labourer's toil and builder's art ;
is

The Church is there where God has fet his throne,

And where he dwells within the living heart.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

219

The Confequence of Law.

ONCE,

an author, where I need not fay,)

(fays

Two

travelers found an oyfter in their

Both

fierce,

both hungry

the difpute

way ;
grew

ftrong,

hand, Dame Juftice pafs'd along.

Before her each, with clamour pleads the laws,
fcale in

While,

Explain'd the matter, and would win the caufe.

Juftice, weighing long the doubtful right,

Dame

Takes, opens, fwallows it before their fight.

caufe of ftrife removed, fo rarely well,
There, take, fays Juftice, take ye each a fhell.

The

We

thrive at Weftminfter on fools like you :

a fat oyfter
Live in peace
Adieu !

'Twas

The

Parallel: between

John

Duke of

Cburcbill,

Marlborougb, and Cburcbill, the Poet.

IN Anna's wars immortal Churchill

And,

greater Churchill

And

the

palm

now demands

our praife,

yields to the poetic bays

at his

Though John

fought nobly
army's head,
flew his thoufands with the balls of lead ;

And

Yet muft the hero

Who
On

rofe,

great in arms, fubdued Britannia's foes

to the

bard fubmit,

hurls, unmatch'd, the thunderbolts of wit.

the words

" One

Prior," in the fecund volume of

Bijbop Burners

" ONE

Prior !" and

is

Hiftory.

this, this all

the fame

The

poet from the hiftorian can claim

No,

Prior's verfe pofterity fhall quote,

When

'tis

forgot one Burnet ever wrote.

MORAL AND

22O

On

Plutarch's Statue.

From

tie Greek.

WISE, honeft Plutarch to thy deathlefs praife,

fons of Rome this grateful ftatue raife ;
For why ? both Greece and Rome thy fame have fhared,
Their heroes written, and their lives compared.
!

The

But tbou thyfelf couldft never write thy own ;

Their lives had parallels but thine has none.

DRYDEN.

A
4ccEPT

The

Hint

this advice,

beft

to

Gamefters.

you who

throw of the dice

is

fit

down

to

throw them away.

to play,

Drunkennefs.

BOLD

thief,

indeed

that fteals, before his face,

The man away, and

On

the Burning of

with his

leaves a beaft in

's

place.

Lord Mansfield's Library, together

MSS.,

by the mob, in 1780.

So, then, the Vandals of our

ifle,

Sworn foes to fenfe and law,

Have burnt to duft a nobler pile

Than Roman

ever faw

And Murray fighs o'er Pope and Swift,

And many a treafure more,
The well-judged purchafe and the gift
That graced

his letter'd ftore.

Their pages mangled, burnt, and torn,

The lofs was his alone;

come mail mourn

burning of his own.
COWPER.

But ages yet

The

to

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

221

On the fame.

WHEN

wit and genius meet their

In all devouring flame ;

They

tell

And

us of the fate of

Yet

Rome,

bid us fear the fame.

O'er Murray's

They

doom

felt

lofs

the Mufes wept,

the rude alarm,

blefs'd the guardian care that

kept

His facred head from harm.

There memory,

bee that's fed

like the

From Flora's balmy ftore,

The quinteffence of all he read

Had
The

treafured

up

before.

lawlefs herd with fury blind

Have done him

cruel

wrong;

The flowers are gone but flill we

The honey on his tongue.

find

COWPER.

Long and Short

Life.

CIRCLES are praifed not that abound

In largenefs, but exadlly round :
life we
praife, that does excel,
Not much in time, but acting well.

So,

Be Magnanimous.

How great thy might let none by mifchief know,

But what thou canfl by ads of kindnefs mow :
A pow'r to hurt is no fuch noble thing ;
The

toad can poifon, and the ferpent

fling.

MORAL AND

222

To Warren Hajiings,
HASTINGS

knew

thee young, and of a

mind

While young, humane, converfable and kind

Nor can

Now

But rather fome

And

well believe thee, gentle then,

grown a villain, and the worft of men.
I

fufpeft,

who have

opprefs'd

worried thee, as not themfelves the

beft.

COWPER.

On a

Villain.

THE wife and noble live not long, they fay ;

The wicked, too, muft die, and dying, what

are they?

Thus deep the curfe that you were ever born,

Though fin point out its promife to thine eye,
Retorts upon thyfelf with fiend-like fcorn,

The doubly

bitter curfe, that thou, e'en thou, Jhalt die.

On

Sir Walter Raleigh.

HADST thou ferved the heroine

Had Heav'n from

Hadft thou

ftill

all
thy days,
ftorms of envy fcreen'd thy bays

Thy fword

had made

But nought

to fuch

The

a conqueft like thy

the Greek of Tymnteus.

GRIEVE not, Philcenis, though condemn'd

Far from thy parent foil and native fky ;

Though

To

ftrangers'

hands muft

lay thy alhes in a foreign

all

The

pen!

untimely fate could bring

valiant fubjeft, but a tim'rous king.

From

And

flourifh'd in a warlike reign,

on Death's

road

is

laft

raife
ifle

to die

thy funeral pile

dreary journey bound

equal, and alike the ground.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Friend/hip.

FRIENDSHIP,

like love, is

Unlefs to one you

but a name,

flint the flame.

child, whom many fathers mare,

Hath feldom known a father's care.

The

'Tis thus in friendfhips,

On

many,

who depend

rarely find a friend.

GAY.

On

No

the fame.

friendfhip will abide the teft

That

(lands

on fordid

intereft

And mean felf-love erefled

Nor fuch as may awhile fubfift
;

'Twixt

fenfualift

and

fenfualift,

For vicious ends connected.

Who hopes

a friend,

mould have

Himfelf well-furnifh'd for the

And

To
For

rarely

fhow the
'tis

a heart

part,

on occafion
virtue that he feeks

an union that befpeaks

A jufl

reciprocation.

True friendfhip has, in fhort, a grace

More than terreftrial in its face,
That proves it heaven-defcended ;
Man's love of woman not fo pure,
Nor, when fincerefl, fo fecure

To

laft till life is

ended.

223

MORAL AND

224

On

the late William Wilberforce, Efq.

M.P.

THY country, Wilberforce, with juft difdain,

Hears thee by cruel men and impious call'd
Fanatic, for thy zeal to loofe the enthrall'd

From

exile, public fale,

and

flavery's chain.

Friend of the poor, the wrong'd, the fetter-gall'd,

Fear not left labour fuch as thine be vain.

Thou

haft achieved a part

Of Britain's

haft gain'd the ear

fenate to thy glorious caufe

and though cold caution paufe

And weave delay, the better hour is near
That fhall remunerate thy toils fevere

Hope

fmiles, joy fprings,

peace for Afric, fenced with Britim laws.

haft won, efteem and love

By

Enjoy what thou

From

all

the juft

on earth, and

all

the bleft above.

COWPER.

A Reafon able
I

KNOW

the thing that's moft

Envy, be
I

Woman.

filent,

uncommon

and attend

know a reafonable woman,

Handfome and witty, yet a

friend.

Not warp'd by paffion, awed by rumour,

Not grave through pride, nor gay through

An equal mixture of good humour,

And fenfible, foft melancholy.
Has me no

faults then,

malice fays, Sir?

Yes, fhe has one, I muft aver

When
The

the world confpires to praife her,

woman's deaf, and does not hear.

all

folly,

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
The Thracian,

From

THRACIAN

Mourn

225

the Latin of fincent Bourne.

parents, at his birth,

their habe

with many a

tear,

But with undiflembled mirth

him

Place

breathlefs

on

his bier.

Rome with equal fcorn,

the favages !" exclaim,

Greece and

"

" Whether
Well

they rejoice or mourn,

entitled to the

But the caufe of

And

this

name "
!

concern

would they
Even they might fomewhat learn
this pleafure

From

trace,

the favages of Thrace.

The Lawyer's Houfe.

THE

lawyer's houfe, if I have rightly read,

upon the fool's or madman's head.

Is built

From

the Greek of Antipater of Sidon.

of Corinth lament

its

The Nereids

deftruftion*

WHERE has thy grandeur, Corinth, fhrunk from fight,

Thy ancient treafures, and thy rampart's height ?
Thy godlike fanes and palaces oh, where
Thy mighty myriads and majeftic fair ?
Relentlefs

And

We

war

has pour'd around the wall,

hardly fpared the traces of thy fall.

nymphs of ocean deathlefs yet remain,

And,

fad

and

filent,

forrow near thy plain.

The deftrudtion of Corinth, by the ftupid

event in the days of Antipater.

Mummius, was an

MORAL AND

226

Off the late Ducbefs of St. Alban's.

THE

of Vere,

line

Concludes with

fo

long renown'd in arms,

Alban's charms ;

luftre in St.

Her conqu'ring eyes have made their race complete ;

They rofe in valour, and in beauty let.
Wit.

UNHAPPY

wit, like

Atones not

for the

In youth alone,

But foon the

its

moft miftaken things,

envy which

empty

it

praife

fhort-lived vanity

brings,

we

boaft,

is loft,

Then moft our trouble ftill, when moft admired.

And ftill, the more we give, the more required,
Whofe fame with pains we guard, but lofe with eafe,
Sure fome
'Tis

By

to vex,

what the

fools

but never

vicious fear

all

to pleafe

the virtuous fhun

'tis

hated, and

by knaves undone.

Off

Flaxmans

Penelope, Sept. 1793.

THE

fuitors finn'd,

Whom

but with a

fair

excufe

elegance might well feduce.

can our cenfure on the hufband fall,

Nor
Who,

all this

for a wife fo lovely, flew

them

all.

Sunfet and Sunrife.

CONTEMPLATE, when the fun

Thy

And when

Thy

declines,

death, with deep reflection

again he riling {nines,

day of refurredlion.

From OWEN.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

227

Woman.
FAIR

A
A

woman was made

to bewitch,

pleafure, a pain, a difturber, a nurfe,

flave,

Fair

or a tyrant, a bleffing, or curfe

to be
which?

woman was made

From

WHEN

the Latin of

little

Owen.

more than boy

in age,

deem'd myfelf almoft a fage;

But now feem worthier to be ftyled,

For ignorance

From

almoft a child.

the Greek of Julianas.

SPARTAN, his companion

Alone from battle fled ;

flain,

His mother, kindling with difdain

That me had borne him, ftruck him dead
For courage, and not birth alone,
In Sparta,

teftifies

a fon.

COWPER.

On
MILTIADES

Miltiades.

thy valour beft

(Although in every region known)

of Perfia can atteft,

The men

Taught by

On

thyfelf at

ChriJPs Firfl Miracle

Marthon.

Turning Water

into

at Cana.

"

Vidit et erubuit lympha pudica

THE

Deum"

modeft water, awed by power divine,

Beheld its God, and blufh'd itfelf to wine.

Wine

MORAL AND

228

From

AT morn we

the Greek of Callimacbui.

placed on his funeral bier

Young Melanippus
Unable

and

at eventide,

to fuftain a lofs fo dear,

By her own hand his blooming fitter died.

Thus Ariftippus mourn'd his noble race,
Annihilated by a double blow,

Nor fon could hope, nor daughter more

And all Cyrene fadden'd at his woe.

On
HAST thou

embrace,

a True Friend.

a friend

and

rich

to

thou haft indeed

large fupply,

Treafure to ferve your every need,

Well managed,

On

No

till

die.

you

Flatterers.

mifchief worthier of our fear

In nature can be found

Than

friendfhip, in oftent fincere,

But hollow and unfound

For

dangerous dream

lull'd into a

We clofe infold a foe,

Who ftrikes, when moft fecure we feem,
The

inevitable blow.

On Lord Chief Juftice

IN

fpite

Since

Ellenborougb.

of quirk, quibble, writ of error, or flaw,

Law*

is

made
Law

juftice, feek juftice

is

the family name.

from law.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On
FAR

Invalids.

From

229

the Greek.

happier are the dead, methinks, than they

look for death, and fear it every day.

Who

COWPER.

On
ART

a Mifer.

From

the Greek.

thou fome individual of a kind

Long-lived by nature as the rook or hind ?

Heap treafure, then, for if thy need be fuch,

Thou

haft excufe,

But man thou

This

luft

For why

To

fatten

and fcarce canft heap too much.

feem'ft; clear, therefore,'from thy breaft

of treafure

folly at the beft

Ihouldft thou go wafted to the

with thy

fpoils

The Caufe won.

tomb

thou know'ft not

whom ?

From Vincent Bourne.

Two neighbours furioufly difpute

A field the fubjeft of the fuit.

Trivial the fpot, yet fuch the rage

With which
'Twere hard

The
The

No
No

prize

the combatants engage

to tell who covets moft

at

whatfoever

fingle

word but

coft.

words

pleadings fwell

has

its

term but yields fome

ftill

price

fair

fuffice
:

pretence

For novel and increafed expenfe.

Defendant thus becomes a name,

Which

he that bore

it

may

difclaim

Since both, in one defcription blended,

Are plaintiffs when the fuit is ended.

MORAL AND

230

Friend/hip.

FRIENDSHIP

is

Save in the

office

Therefore,

all

conftant in

and

all

affairs

other things,
of love ;

hearts in love ufe their

own

tongues

Let every eye negotiate for itfelf,

And truft no agent ; for beauty is a witch,
Againft whofe charms faith melteth into blood.
SHAKSPEARE.

The Cantab.

WITH two

fpurs or one ; and no great matter which,

Boots bought, or boots borrow'd, a whip or a fwitch,

Five millings or

lefs

for the hire

of his

beaft,

Paid part into hand, you muft wait for the reft
Thus equipt, Academicus climbs up his horfe,

And

out they both fally for better or worfe

His heart void of

And

and

as light as a feather

go not knowing whither

and the towns, fee he fcampers

in violent hafte to

Through

And

fear,

is

the fields

along,
look'd at, and laugh'd

at,

by old and by young.

Till at length overfpent, and his fides fmear'd with

Down

blood,
tumbles his horfe, man, and

all,

in the

In a waggon or chaife mail he finifh his route

Oh fcandalous fate he muft do it on foot.
!

mud.
?

Young gentleman, hear ! I am older than you

The advice that I give, I have proved to be true
!

Wherever your journey may be, never doubt it,

The fafter you ride, you're the longer about it.
COWPER.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
No Sorrow peculiar

From Vincent

the Sufferer*

to

231

Bourne.

THE

lover, in melodious verfes,

His fingular

diftrefs rehearfes

doling with a rueful cry,

Was ever fuch a wretch as I ? "

Still

"

Yes! thoufands have endured before

All thy

diftrefs

fome, haply more,

Unnumber'd Corydons complain,

And
And
Too

Strephons, of the like difdain

if thy Chloe be of fteel,

Not

her alone that cenfure

Nor

thou alone haft

deaf to hear, too hard to

On Homer.

loft

From

SOONER mail heaven put out

feel

fits,

thy wits.

the Greek.
its

ftarry light,

The

fun with noon-day fplendour deck the night;

Sooner the falt-fea tafte, like fountains, fweet ,

Or to the living turn the dead their feet,

Than mail oblivion feize on Homer's name,
And of the page of old deftroy the fame.
True Riches.

THE

From

riches of the

the Greek of Lucian.

mind alone

are true

All other wealth only more trouble brings.

To him the title of a rich man's due,

Who's able to make ufe of his good things.

But whofo's mind on calculations dwells,
Intent on heaping money upon money,
He,

like the bee,

Out of which

adds to the hive

new

cells,

others will extraft the honey.

MORAL AND

23 2

to a
Beautiful Woman named Charlotte Nefs,
who inquired the meaning of the logical terms abftraft
and concrete,

Reply
'

" SAY what

is

what

abftraft,

concrete ?

Their difference define."

They both

And
"

How

in

one

fair

perfon meet,

that, dear maid,

is

thine.

?
The riddle pray undo."
your wifh exprefs ;

fo

I thus

For when
I then

I lovely Charlotte

view

Religion

loveli

lies

view,

Nefs.

not in Eating.

WHO can believe with common

A bacon flice gives God offence

fenfe,
?

Or, that a herring hath a charm,

Almighty vengeance

Wrapt up

to difarm

in majefty divine,

Does he regard on what we dine

Human
BEHOLD

Life.

by Nature's kindly law,

Pleafed with a rattle, tickled with a ftraw ;

Some

the child,

livelier

little

plaything gives his youth delight,

louder, but as

Scarfs, garters, gold,

And

empty

amufe

quite

his riper age,

beads and prayer-books are the toys of age

Pleafed with this bauble

Till tired he fleeps, and

ftill,

life's

as that before,

poor play

is

o'er.

POPE.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
From

Septennial Divijion of Time.

233

the Greek of

Solon.

Tnzfeven

firft

years of

Gleams of fhort

Whenfourteen
His

life,

man's break of day,

dawn of thought

fprings have bloom'd his

difplay

downy

and bafhful meanings learn to fpeak :

twenty-one proud manhood takes its date
not ftrength complete till twenty-eight :

is

Thence,

to \i\s_five-and-tbirtieth, life's gay fire

Sparkles, burns bright, and flames in fierce defire

At forty-two

And

wifdom wear,
dims him o'er with care

his eyes grave

the dark future

With forty-nine behold

And

cheek,

foft

From
Yet

fenfe, a

bufy hopes and

his toils increafe,

fears difturb his

peace

AtJiifty-Jix cool reafon reigns entire,

Then

life burns
fteady, and with temp'rate fire
Butjixty-tbree unbends the body's ftrength,
Ere th' unwearied mind has run her length :

And when, fromfeventy, age furveys her laft,

me flops fhort, and wifhes all were paft.

Tired,

The Stage of Life.

OUR
Some

a journey in a winter's day;

only break their fafl, and fo away

life's

and depart full-fed,

The longeft age butfups and goes to bed
He's moft in debt that lingers out the day
Others

ftay dinner,

Who

dies betimes has

lefs

and

lefs to

pay.

Enemies.

TALK,

as

Still find

you

my

pleafe,

of Turk and Pope

neighbour

my

worfl enemy.

but I

MORAL AND

234

The Pure and Zealous Par/on.

WIDE was

houfes far afunder

his parifti

But he neglefted nought for rain or thunder ;

In ficknefs and in grief to vifit all,

The

fartheft in his parifh, great

and fmall

Always on foot, and in his hand a Have.

This noble example to his flock he gave ;
That firft he wrought, and afterwards he taught;

Out of the Gofpel he

And

this

That

new

that leflbn caught,

added he thereto,
then what fliould iron do

figure

if gold ruft,

CHAUCER.

On
WILL

both

a Noify Fellow.
his

In emptinefs and
'Tis thus

time and tongue employs

riot

the fhallow

The deep

make

a noife,

alone are quiet.

A Cure for the

Evils of Life.

LORD if our days be few, why do we fpend

And lavifh them to fuch an evil end ?
!

if they be evil, do we wrong

Ourfelves and thee, in wifhing them fo long
Our days decreafe, our evils ftill renew,

Or why,

We

make them

evil,

and Thou mak'ft them few.

Broken Hearts.

BROKEN
Broken

faith
legs

and broken

glafs,

and arms are feen

But

for broken hearts,

To

what

are not,

we

pafs

and ne'er have been.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

235

Books.

FOR many books I care not, and my ftore

Might now fuffice me, though I had no more
Than God's two Teftaments, and then withal
That mighty volume which the world we call
For thefe well look'd on, well in mind preferved,
:

The

My
My

prefent age's paffages obferved

private adlions ferioufly o'erview'd,

thoughts recall'd, and what of them enfued,

Are books, which

better far inftruft me can,

the other paper-works of man ;
fome of thefe I may be reading, too,

Than

And

all

Where'er

come, or whatfoe'cr

do.

GE./V.GE

On

WITHER.

Self-conceit.

HAIL! charming power of felf-opinion

For none are flaves in thy dominion :
Secure in thee, the mind's at eafe

The

vain have only one to pleafe.

The Cure of Ambition.

To

curb

th' ambitious, parfons

preach,

And ftories poets feign

And what they frame, and what
;

Is all, alas

One remedy is yet in ftore,

Which may the madmen
Tell them that

thefe teach,

in vain.

Brunfwuk

And mow them

is

fave

no more,

William's grave.

MORAL AND

236

Prayer.

PRAYER higheft foars when fhe moft proftrate lies,

And when fhc fupplicates, fhe ftorms the ikies.
Thus to gain Heav'n may feem an eafy tafk,
For what can be more eafy than to afk ?
oft we do by fad experience find,
That, clogg'd with earth, fome prayers are left behind,
And fome, like chaff, blow off by every wind.

Yet

To

kneel

is

Then why

pronounce not hard,

eafy, to

fome

are

petitioners debarr'd

Hear what an ancient oracle declared

" Some
fag their prayers, and fome their
:

He's an Elias,

who

prayers fay,

can pray."
you next repair
memoir of prayer.

his prayers

Reader, remember, when

church or clofet, this

To

Friendjbip no Gift.

IT

is

we beftow,
we mean
we cannot fhow,

not kindnefs

Nor

is it all

If riches here

We cannot
Man's fmile

gain efteem.

is

won by

paltry gold,

Is loft

by being poor ;
His friendfhip is no gift, but fold

For

int'reft

and no more.

Sight better than Sound.

SOUNDS which addrefs the ear are

In one fhort hour

loft

but that which

and die

ftrikes the

Lives long upon the mind : the faithful fight

Engraves the knowledge with a beam of light.

eye

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

237

True Riches.
IRUS, though wanting gold and lands,
Lives cheerful, eafy, and content ;
unblefs'd, with

Corvus

Employ'd
Sages of

to

count

Lombard

Of thefe

twenty hands

his yearly rent.

tell

me which

you think poflefles more?

One, with

And

On

his poverty, is rich ;

one, with all his wealth,

is

poor.

Craggs, Secretary of State.

STATESMAN, yet friend to truth; of foul

In aftion faithful, and in honour clear ;

fincere,

Who broke no promife, ferved no private end,

Who gain'd no title, and who loft no friend
Ennobled by

And

himfelf,

by

praifed, unenvied,

all

approved,

by the mufe he loved.

POPE.

The Wijh.

MAY I
Be

May

My

through

life's

uncertain tide

from pain exempt;

my wants be ftill fupplied

ftill

all

ftate too

And

low

t'

admit of pride,

yet above contempt.

But, mould your providence divine

A
May

greater blifs intend,

all

thefe bleffings

you

defign,

If e'er thofe bleffings fhall be mine,

Be centred in a friend.

MERRICK.

MORAL AND

238

On

Bijbop Hough.

BISHOP by his neighbours hated

caufe to wifh himfelf tranflated

Has

why mould Hough

But

Loved and efteem'd by

defire tranflation,
all

the nation

Yet, if it be the old man's cafe,

I'll

lay

'Tis

And

my life

where God

know

the place

fome that adore him,

whither Enoch went before him.
fent

POPE.
Fortune.

WHEN

fortune feems to fmile,

'tis

then I fear

Some

lurking ill, fome hidden mifchief near :

Ufed to her frowns, I ftand upon my guard,

And, arm'd

in virtue,

my foul prepared.
me may be;

keep

Fickle and falfe to others

can complain but of her conftancj.

LORD LANSDOWNE.
Genius and Art.

CONCERNING poets there has been conteft,

Whether they're made by art or nature beft ;
But

if I

Among

No

may prefume
the reft

in this affair,

my judgment

to declare,

without a genius will avail,

parts without the help of art will

art

And

fail

But both ingredients jointly muft unite

Or verfe will never mine with a tranfcendent

light.

OLDHAM.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
" Fas

eft

ab bofte doceri."

239

Virgil.

upon truth where'er 'tis found,

Amongft your friends, amongft your

SEIZE

foes,

On

Chriftian or on heathen ground ;

The flower's divine where'er it grows

Neglect the prickles, and aflume the

The Road
LET not

foft

to

Virtue and

to

God.

flumber clofe your eyes,

Before you've recollected thrice

The train of action through the day
Where have my feet chofe out their

What

have

From

all

rofe.

I learnt,

I've heard,

way

where'er I've been,

from

all

I've feen

What know I more that's worth the knowing ?

What have I done that's worth the doing ?
What have I fought that I mould Ihun ?
What duty have I left undone ?
Or into what new follies run ?
Thefe

That

felf-inquiries are the

leads to virtue,

and

road

to

God.
WATTS.

Honour.

HONOUR'S

a facred tie, the

law of kings,

The

noble mind's diftinguiming perfection,

That aids and ftrengthens virtue when it meets her,

And
It

imitates her actions

where me

is

ought not to be fported with.

ADDISON.

not.

MORAL AND

240

A Refleflion at

Sea.

SEE how, beneath the moon-beam's fmile,

Yon

little

billow heaves

its

breaft,

And foams, and fparkles for awhile,

And murm'ring then fubfides to reft.
Thus man,

the fport of blifs and care,

Rifes on time's eventful fea ;

And

moment

having fwell'd a

Thus melts

there,

into eternity.

Procraftination.

BE wife to-day 'tis madnefs to defer ;

Next day the fatal precedent will plead ;
Thus on, till wifdom is pum'd out of life.
:

Procraftination

Year

is

the thief of time;

after year it fteals,

till all

are fled,

And to the mercies of a moment leaves

The vaft concerns of an eternal fcene.
YOUNG.

The Thought of Death.

ALL men

men mortal but themfelves ;

when fome alarming mock of fate

think

Themfelves,

all

Strikes through their

wounded

hearts the fudden dread

wounded, like the wounded air,

Soon clofe; where pafs'd the fhaft, no trace is found.
As from the wing no fear the fky retains,
The parted wave no furrow from the keel,

But

So

their hearts

dies in

human

hearts the thought of death.

Ev'n with the tender

O'er thofe

we

love,

tear,

which nature fheds

we drop

it

in the grave.

YOUNG.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

241

of the Nile.

FRANCE faw

Her

great Nelfon chafing o'er the waves

and tyrannic flaves ;

Sorely they rued her ill-advifed departure;
They meant to bunt the Turk, but caught a Tartar.
flying heroes

On

THE
But

law and the gofpels you always have by you,

and good-nature they feldom come nigh

you

my

good creature, the matter of faft

daily are learning

On
eyes of

Poets,

all

In

and death

life

on

what never you

is,

praftife.

a Fine Library.

WITH

And

wonder

the gay (helves behold,

now clad in gold;

one common fate they

rags alive,

their backs

On
DRYDEN,

Had

Woman.

for truth

In fhort,

You

a Religious Cenforious

in

ftill all

mare,

their riches wear.

Dryden.

immortal

ftrain,

raifed the table-round again,

But that

a ribald king

Bade him

toil

on, to

and court

make them

fport;

Demanded

for their niggard pay,

Fit for their fouls, a loofer lay,

fong and play :

defrauded of the high defign,
Profaned the God-given ftrength, and marr'd the lofty
WALTER SCOTT.
line.
Licentious

The world

fatires,

MORAL AND

242
Gold:

Ufe and Abufe.

its

GOLD banifh'd honour from the mind,

And only left the name behind
;

Gold fow'd the world with every ill ;

Gold taught the murd'rer's fword to kill:
'Twas gold inftrufted coward hearts,
In treachery's more pernicious arts.

Even

virtue's felf

by knaves

is

made

cloak to carry on the trade ;

And pow'r (when lodged in their pofleffion)

Grows

tyranny, and rank oppreffion.

Thus, when the

Gold
J

is

villain

crams

his cheft,

the canker of the breaft

Tis avarice, infolence and pride,

And

every mocking vice befide.

to virtuous hands 'tis given,
It blefies, like the dews of heav'n :

But when

Like heav'n,

it

hears the orphans' cries,

And

wipes the tears from widows' eyes

Their crimes on gold mall mifers lay,

Who pawn'd their fordid fouls for pay.

Let bravoes, then, when blood is fpilt,
Upbraid the paffive fword with guilt.
GAY.

Law Maxim.

HE

that holdeth his lands in fee

Need
I

neither to quake nor to quiver,

humbly conceive

for look,

do you

fee,

They are his and his heirs for ever.

From LORD CAMPBELL'S Lives of the Lord
Chancellors.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
On

243

Duke of Glouc efler's Death, jujl

Mr. Dry Jen's, 1700.

William,

after

DRYDEN is dead Dryden alone could fing

The full-grown glories of a future king.
:

Now
By

Glou'fter dies

thus lefler heroes live

that immortal breath that poets give

And

fcarce furvive the

Nor

afks his

mufe

but William Hands,

honours from the poet's hands.

William mall mine without a Dry den's praife,

His laurels are not grafted on the bays.

On Lord

Dorfet, the Poet,

and tbe Patron of Poets.

BY

fav'ring wit, Maecenas purchafed fame,

VirgiPs own work immortalifed his name;
double mare of fame is Dorfet' s due,

At once

the patron, and the poet too.

At Goodwood, in Suffix, is tbe

Lion, carved in wood, which adorned the head of the

Tbe Circumnavigator.

Centurion, the Jhip in which Commodore Anfon failed

It is fet up at the Duke of Rich-

round the world.

mond Inn, with

STAY,
I,

this infer iption

and view
more than you :

traveller, awhile,

who

have

travell'd

Quite round the globe in each degree,

I have plough'd the fea;

Anfon and

Torrid and

And

fafe

frigid zones

have

afhore arrived at

In eafe and dignity appear,

He in the Houfe of Lords

pafs'd,

laft,

I here.

MORAL AND

244

On Homer.

WHO

tranfcribed the famous Trojan war,

firft

wife UlyJJes* ads,

Jove, make known
For fince 'tis certain, thine thofe poems are,

And

No

more

Homer

let

On

To

this

boaft they are his

own.

Gaming-houfe.

dark cave three gates pertain

Hope, Infamy, and Death, we know

'Tis by the firft you entrance gain,

By the laft two alone you go.

A Poetical Reafon for the Fragrance and Colour of the

Rofe.
Speaking of the Jingular changes ejfefted in
flowers by the tranfmijjion of their farina, a lady faid,
" She
underftood that originally there was but one
'

kind of

rofe,

which was white and nearly

Jcentlejs,

What occafioned" faid Jhe,

"Jo beautiful a variety in

the fpecies, as the red one, and whence did it derive
The author immediately, with bis
its odour?"
pencil, wrote as follows:

To

finlefs

The

rofe

When

in

Eve's admiring fight,

expanded fnowy white s

an ecftafy of blifs,

She gave the modeft flower a

And

inftantaneous, lo

From

her red

lip its

it

kifs

drew

blujhing hue ;

While from her breath itfweetnefs found,

And

fpread

new fragrance

all

around.

LUKE BOOKER.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
To

Duke of Marlborougb.
means th' immortal Homer feeks

the celebrated

BY

various

To

raife the

fame of his heroic Greeks ;

For one, from

To

245

give

coaft to coaft confus'dly hurl'd,

him room,

the bard invents a world

Whilft one for ever in the trenches

And, where he

gain'd fo

many

lies,

battles, dies.

In thee the double character unites,

Ulyffes wanders, and Achilles fights.

On
WHILE

Arcbbijhop Seeker.

Seeker lived, he fhow'd

While Seeker

how

feers

mould

live

taught, heaven open'd to our eye;

Seeker gave, we knew how angels gave ;

Seeker died, we knew even faints muft die.

Where

When
On

From

a Grotto near a Stream.

the Greek.

HEALTH, rofe-lipp'd Cherub, haunts

She {lumbers oft in yonder nook ;

this fpot,

If in the (hade you find her not,

Plunge and you'll find her in the brook.

On
As

oft, in

Pope's

Tr(inflation of Homer.

vain as he eflay'd to

In foreign tongues,

Old Homer

has at

how

tell,

Troy and Priam

laft attain 'd to

In fmoother accents than

How
Since

fpeak

his native

Blind heretofore, the bard receives

And

fell

Greek:

new

fight

ev'n in age becomes the fair's delight:

much to Pope is due from us and him

Homer

nods no more, nor do his readers

dream!

MORAL AND

246

On Fcote's

Death.

FOOTE from his earthly ftage, alas is hurl'd ;

Death took him off, who took off all the world.
!

On

Cardinal Wolfey.

IN full-blown dignity fee Wolfey ftand,

Law in his voice, and fortune in his hand.

DR. JOHNSON.

A
WHEN

Good Retreat.

once a monarch and a wit,

flattery read, by Waller writ ;

Charles, at

Some fmooth
Waller,

who

foft

erft to fing

That Heav'n

in

was not afliamed,

Cromwell's

ftorms great

foul

had

claim'd,

Turn'd

to the bard, and,

with a fmile,

faid he,

" Your {trains for Noll excel

your ftrains for me."
The bard his cheeks with confcious blufhes red,
Thus to the King return'd, and bow'd his head
:

"

Poets, fo

In

Heaven and

fidlion better

On

all

the

Nine decreed,

than in truth fucceed."

Hoadley, late Bijhop of Bangor.

VIRTUE with

fo

much

eafe

on Bangor

fits,

All faults he pardons, though he none commits.

STEELE.

An

WHO

Endlefs Tajk.

feeks to pleafe all

men each way,

And not himfelf offend

He may begin his work to-day,
But God knows when he'll end.
;

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

247

To a Young Nobleman.

THE
Be

tree's diftinguifh'd

by the

virtue then your fole purfuit

fruit,
;

Set your great anceftors in view,

Let them deferve the title too ;

Like them ignoble adtions fcorn :

Let virtue prove you greatly born.

They

ferved the

crown with

loyal zeal

Yet, jealous of the public weal,

They flood the bulwark of our laws,

And wore

at heart their country's caufe

neither place nor penfion bought,

By
They fpoke and voted as they thought.
Thus did your fires adorn their feat;

And

fuch alone are truly great.

GAY.
The

EffeEls of Gambling.

THE

wrecks of play behold,

Eftates difmember'd, mortgaged, fold

Their owners, not

Show
Some,

Too

to jails confined,

equal poverty of mind.

who the fpoils of knaves were made,

attempt to learn their trade.

one hour,
Become the dirty tools of pow'r,
late

Some,

for the folly of

And, with

Upon

the mercenary

lift,

court-charity fubfift.

You'll find at

Fools are the

laft this maxim true,

game which knaves purfue.
GAY.

MORAL AND

248

Procraftination.

WHEN

floth puts urgent bufinefs by,

a new day, (he'll cry ;

her morrows prove it true
They're never ufed, and therefore new.

To-morrow's

And

On

all

Sir R. Walpole, Premier in the reigns of

George I. and II.

LET not

He

old

Rome

boaft Fabius* fate

faved his country by delays,

But you by peace.

You bought it at a cheaper rate ;

Nor has it left the ufual bloody

To mow
War,

And

that

it

coft

its

mad game

price in

fear,

war;

the world fo loves to play,

does fo dearly pay ;

For, though with lofs, or viclory, awhile
for

it

Fortune the gamefters does beguile,

at the laft the box fweeps all away.

Yet
Paulus

an Epigram by Mr. Lindfay,

the

Common

late Jujiice

of

Pleas.

SLAVE to crowds, fcorch'd with the fummer's heats,

In courts the wretched lawyer toils and fweats

While fmiling Nature, in her beft attire,

Regales each fenfe and vernal joys infpire.

Can

he,

who knows

that real good

mould

pleafe,

Barter for gold his liberty and eafe ?

This Paulus preach'd : when, entering at the door,
Upon his board the client pours the ore :

He grafps

the mining gift, pores o'er the caufe,

Forgets the fun and dozes on the laws.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

249

Sbakfpeare.

WHEN

Learning's triumph o'er her barbarous foes

Firft rear'd the

ftage,

immortal Shakfpeare rofe;

life he drew,

Each change of many-colour'd

Exhaufted worlds, and then imagined

new

Exiftence faw him fpurn her bounded reign,

And

Time

panting

His powerful

And

toil'd after

ftrokes prefiding

him in vain.
Truth imprefs'd,

unrefifted Paffion ftorm'd the breaft.

DR. JOHNSON.

LOOSE he gave to his unbounded foul,

And

taught new lands to rife, new feas to roll;

Call'd into being fcenes unknown before,

And,

paffing Nature's bounds,

was fomething more.

CHURCHILL.

SWEET Swan of Avon, what

To

a fight it were,
our waters yet appear ;
make thofe flights upon the banks of Thames,

fee thee in

And
That

fo did take Eliza

and our James.

BEN JONSON.

Tom and

bis Friends ; or

TOM GOODFELLOW

came

And friends came

to fee

On
On
On
On

feven

days' work.

to Misfortune

on Sunday,

him in dozens on Monday

with
him
to dinner and fup ;
were
Tuefday

in honour of Tom kept it up !

Tburfday hisfriendskt the dice-box afloat!
Friday, by fome means, Tom loft his laft guinea,
And Saturday Saturday faw an end of the ninny.

Wednefday

MORAL AND

250

Equal

WHEN

feventy, as

Folly.

'tis

fometimes feen,

Joins hands in wedlock with feventeen,

all th'
unequal match abufe ;

We

But where's the odds we

fret

about?

Difference in age there is no doubt

In folly
not a pin to choofe.

On

From

Envy.

the Greek.

PITY, fays the Theban bard,

From my
let

Envy,
Rather

wifhes I difcard

me

far, a

rather be,

theme

Pity to diftrefs

is

for thee

mown,

to the great alone.

Envy

So the Theban

but to mine

Lefs confpicuous be mine

I prefer the golden

Pomp

mean,
and penury between

For alarm and

Ever on the

And

peril

wait

loftieft ftate,

the loweft to the

Obloquy and fcorn

end

attend.

COWPER.

On

the

SHALL Chatham

Warm

from

its

Earl of Chatham.

die, and be forgot ? Oh, no

fource let grateful forrow flow

His matchlefs ardour

fired

each fear-ftruck mind,

His genius foar'd when Britons droop'd and pined.

GARRICK.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
On

From

Pedigree.

251

the Greek of Epicharmus.

MY mother if thou love me, name no more

My noble birth! Sounding at every breath
My noble birth, thou kill'ft me. Thither fly,
!

As

to their only refuge, all

Nature withholds
Their noble

Of their

all

good

from

whom

befides

they boaft

birth, conduct us to the

forefathers,

and from age

tombs

to age

Afcending, trumpet their illuftrious race :

whom haft thou beheld, or canft thou

But

Derived from no forefathers

how

Lives not

And

chance that, native of a land

Far

if it

his kindred, one,

origin, exift,

From

My

could fuch be born at

diftant, or in infancy

Of all
His

for

name

Such a man

all ?

deprived
cannot trace

who

why deem him fprung

who can ?

bafer anceftry than theirs

mother

he

whom

Nature

at his birth

Endow'd with

An

virtuous qualities, although

^Ethiop and a flave, is nobly born.

COWPER.

The Charitable

Paftor.

HE was a fhepherd, and no mercenary

And though he holy was and virtuous,
He

was

to finful

His words were

men

full piteous.

ftrong, but not

with anger fraught,

love benignant he difcreetly taught

To draw
And

mankind

heaven by gentlenefs
his bufinefs.
was
good example
to

CHAUCER.

MORAL AND

252

The Worlds Wealth.

THIS world's wealth, which men

May

well be liken'd to a burning

Whereof a

little

can do

little

fo

much

defire,

fire ;

harm,

profit much, our bodies well to warm.

But take too much, and furely thou malt burn

But

So too much wealth to too much woe doth turn.

Nobility of Blood.

WORTH

makes the man, and want of it the fellow,

The reft is all but leather and prunella.

What can ennoble fools, or knaves, or cowards,
Nothing ; not

all

the blood of

all

the

Howards ?
DRYDEN.

Mercy.

THE

quality of

mercy

is

not ftrain'd

droppeth, as the gentle rain from heaven

Upon the place beneath : it is twice blefs'd

It

him

and him that

takes

*Tis mightieft in the mightieft ; it becomes

The throned monarch better than his crown

It blefleth

His fceptre

that gives,

mows

the force of temporal power,

The

attribute to awe and majefty,

Wherein doth fit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this fceptred fway :

It

is

It

is

enthroned in the hearts of kings

an attribute to God himfelf :

And earthly power doth then mow

When mercy feafons juftice.

likeft

SHAKSPEARE.

God's,

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

253

The Power of Mujic.

THERE'S nought fo ftockifli, hard, and full of rage,
But mufic for the time doth change his nature.

The man that hath no mufic in

Nor is not moved with concord
Is

fit

for treafons, ftratagems,

himfelf,

of fweet founds,

and

fpoils.

The motions of his fpirit are dull as

And his affections dark as Erebus :
Let no fuch man be trufted.

night,

SHAKSPEARE.

Shun

Intejline Difcord.

THUS when you fee this land by faction toft,

Her nobles fiain, her laws, her freedom loft

Let

this reflection

We
Oh

We

ne'er
!

from the action flow,

from foreign

foes

know

can ruin

us then inteftine difcord fhun,

let

ne'er can be but

On feeing

by ourfelves undone.
SAVAGE.

a Fly burnt in a Candle,

how around the gaudy

The giddy infeft flies,

SEE

flame

Till fluttering on with fatal aim,

It drops at laft

and

dies.

Juft fo, in pleafure's fultry

The

victim courts his

Awhile he wantons

Then

maze,

doom

in the blaze,

finks into the

tomb.

MORAL AND

254

Queen Anne.

No
No

war more juftly crown'd,

more renown'd ;
own'd
;
Shakfpeare

reign than Anne's in

reign for learning juftly

Elizabeth a

Charles could a Milton boaft

But Anne faw Newton high enthroned,

Amid

the heavenly hoft.

DlBDIN.

Death.

DEATH

diftant

And makes

No,

alas

he's ever

with

us,

Sits

our aftings
lurks within our cup, while we're in health
by our fick-bed, mocks our medicines ;

We

cannot walk, or

He

But death

is

the dart at us in

by

fit,

all

or ride, or travel,

to feize us

when he

lifts.

SCOTT.

The Mind known

by

its

Deeds.

TRUE is, that whilome that good poet faid,

"
" The
gentle minde by gentle deeds is knowne
For a man by nothing is fo well bewray'd
As by his manners, in which plaine is mowne
:

Of what

degree and what race he is growne.

From SPENSER'S Faerie Queene.

On

Waller and Dryden.

WALLER was fmooth but Dryden taught to

The varying verfe, the full refounding line,
The long majeftic march, and energy divine.
:

join

POPE.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

On

255

Garrit&'s Funeral.

THROUGH weeping London's crowded

ftreets,

As

Garrick's funeral pafs'd,

Contending wits and poets ftrove

Which mould
Not

fo this

Who
By

him

world behaved

came

folitary

defert

world

this

laft.

to

Him

to fave

Jofeph borne

Unheeded

to the grave.

BISHOP HORNE.

The Oak.

THE

Imitated from the Italian of Metaftafio.

tall

oak towering to the

fkies,

The fury of the wind defies,

From age to age, in virtue ftrong,
Inured

to ftand,

O'erwhelm'd

and

fuffer

at length

wrong.

upon the

plain,

The

and fweeps the main

felf-fame foe undaunted braves,

And

fights the

It puts forth wings,

wind upon

the waves.

JAMES MONTGOMERY.

On

Cowley.

To him

no author was unknown,

Yet what he wrote was all his own

Horace's wit, and Virgil's Hate,

He did not fteal, but emulate
!

And, when he would

Their garb, but not

like

them appear,

their clothes, did wear.

DENHAM,

MORAL AND

256

On

Waller.

THY

verfe could

And

compliment the ftorms that bore him hence

had thy mufe not come an age too foon,

Oh

fhow

e'en Cromwell's innocence,

;

But feen great Naflau on the Britifh throne,

How had his triumph glitter'd in thy page

ADDISON.

On

Eroome, the Poet, who ajjifted Pope in bis

tr (inflation of Homer.

POPE came off clean with Homer but, they fay,

Broome went before, and kindly fwept the way.
HENLY.
;

Found written

in a Lady's Bible.

ONE day at leaft in every week

The fefts of every kind,
Their doftrines here are fure

And juft

to feek,

as fure to find.

On

Charles

II*

His converfation, wit, and parts,

His knowledge in the nobleft ufeful

Were

arts,

fuch, dead authors could not give,

But habitudes of thofe

that live,

Who,

He

lighting him, did greater lights receive

drain'd from all, and all they knew,

His apprehenfion quick,

That

his

judgment true:

the moft learn'd with fhame confefs,

His knowledge more,

his reading

only

lefs.

DRYDEN.
* This

praife

may

be transferred to Dryden himfelf.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
On Dean

257

Swift's fetting ajide his fortune to build a

Mad-houfe.

To

madnefs Swift bequeaths

Why
For

fhould

we wonder ?

his

Swift

whole
is

eftate;

right in that

our lawyers know,

Men's fortune to the next of kin fhould go ;
And 'tis as fure, unlefs old bards have lied,
'tis

a rule, as

Great wits

to

all

madnefs are moft near

On

allied.

a Lady who fquinted.

IF ancient poets Argus prize,

boafted of a hundred eyes,

Who

Sure greater praife to her

Who

looks a

is

due

hundred ways with two.

BALNEA, vina, Venus, corrumpunt corpora

faciunt vitam ? balnea, vina, Venus.

noftra

Quid

Wine, women, warmth againft our lives combine,

But what is life without warmth, women, wine ?
From Notes and Queries.
Lord Wellington and the Minijrers, 1813.
So

gentle in peace Alcibiades fmiled,

in battle he Ihone forth fo terribly grand,

While

That the emblem they graved on his feal was a child,

With a thunderbolt placed in its innocent hand.

Oh, Wellington long as fuch Minifters wield

Your magnificent arm, the fame emblem will do ;
!

For, while they're in the council and you in the field,

We've the babies in them, and the thunder in you.

MOORE.

MORAL AND

258

What

is

Honour ?

NOT

to be captious, not unjuftly fight ;

'Tis to confefs what's wrong, and do what's right.

To One who was Young.

NATURE

has done her part

Learning and fenfe

let

do thou but thine

For vain applaufe

tranfgrefs not virtue's rules

the worft of fools.

witty finner

On

erefting a
direction

is

Monument

to

refine.

decency

Sbakfpeare, under the

of Mr. Pope and Lord Burlington.

To

mark her Shakfpeare's worth, and Britain's love

Let Pope defign, and Burlington approve :
Superfluous care

when

This tomb grown old

On

diftant times fhall

his

works

fhall

view

ftill

be new.

Newton, Pope, and Beau Najb.

if I can judge aright,

All wifdom does exprefs ;

NEWTON,

His knowledge gives mankind delight,

Adds
Pope

is

The
Read

to their happinefs.

the

emblem of true wit,

mind ;

funfhine of the

o'er his

works

in fearch

of

it,

You'll endlefs pleafure find.

Nafh reprefents man in the mafs,

Made up

of wrong and right

Sometimes a king, fometimes an

Now blunt, and now polite.

afs

CHESTERFIELD.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

259

The Acorn.

THE
And
As

lofty oak from a fmall acorn grows,

with fpreading boughs ;

fhades th' extended plain,
big with death and vengeance, ploughs the main

to the fkies afcends

years increafe,

it

Then,
Hence rifes fame, and fafety to our more ;
And from an acorn fprings Britannia's power.

On

THY

a pretended Friend and real Enemy.

and doubtful

hefitating tongue,

face,

Show all thy kindnefs to be mere grimace.

Throw off the mafk at once be foe or friend
'Tis bafe to foothe, when malice is the end ;
The rock that's feen gives the poor failor dread,
;

But double

terror that

On
REPLETE with

And

built

which hides

its

head.

Alfred the Great.

foul, the

on freedom's

monarch Hood
bails

alone,

England's throne

legiflator, parent, warrior, fage,

He

died, the light of a benighted age.

DlBDIN.

From " Le Ramelet Mounde"

By

Godelin, a poet

who

wrote in the dialefl of Thouloufe, in the feventeentb

century.

THE

gay

Think

Nor

who would

be counted wife,

delight in paftime lies j

heed they what the wife condemn,
all

Whilft they pafs time

Time

pafles

them.

MORAL AND

260

On

AT

GoldfmitPs Father, the Rev. Charles Goldfmith.

church with meek and unaffefted grace,

His looks adorn'd the venerable place ;

Truth from his lips prevail'd with double fway,

And fools who came to feoff remain'd to

The fervice paft, around the pious man,
With

fteady zeal each honeft ruftic ran

pray.

E'en children follow'd with endearing wile,

And pluck'd his gown to mare the good man's fmile.

His ready fmile a parent's warmth expreft,

Their welfare pleafed him, and
To them his heart, his love, his

But

all

his ferious thoughts

had

their cares diftreft

griefs
reft in

were given,
heaven.

From GOLDSMITH'S Deferted

Pillage,

Old England.
ENGLAND, with all thy faults, I love thee ftill,
My country and while yet a nook is left
Where Englifh minds and manners may be found,
!

Shall be conftrain'd to love thee.

Be

With
I

dripping rains, or wither'd by a

would not yet exchange thy

And

fields

With

Though

all

thy clime

and thy year, moft part, deform'd

fickle,

froft,

fullen flues

without a flower, for warmer France

nor for Aufonia's groves
;

her vines

Of golden

fruitage

and her myrtle bowers.

COWPER.

On Rofamond

Clifford,

MAID unmatch'd

Skill'd in each art,

in

Henry

manners

II.'s Miftrefs.

as in face,

and crown'd with every grace.

POPE.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

A
THE

261

Comparifon.

of time and

rivers is the fame,

journey with a reftlefs ftream,
The filent pace with which they fteal away
No wealth can bribe, no prayers perfuade to ftay,
lapfe

Both fpeed

their

Alike irrevocable both

And

Though each

when

patt,

wide ocean fwallovvs both

at laft.

referable each in every part,

difference ftrikes at length the

Streams never flow in vain

How

mufing heart;
where ftreams abound,

laughs the land with various plenty crown'd

But time that mould enrich the nobler mind,

Negle&ed, leaves a dreary wafte behind.

COWPER.

On

a Lady observing

it

was dark, and that night had

arrived.

THEN

fweet

clofe thine eyes,

If you would have

For while they {hine

They

it
it

pray,

muft be day,

give fuch radiant light.

On Chamber

No

girl, I

night

Chriftians.

matter whether (fome there be that fay)

Or

go to church or ftay at home, if pray ;

Smith's dainty fermons have in plenty ftored

With

better ftuffe than pulpits can afford

Tell me,

why

pray'ft thou

me

me:
;

Heav'n commanded

fo.

Art not commanded to his temples too?

Small ftore of manners when thy Prince bids come
!

And

feaft at

courts to fay, I've meat at home.

MORAL AND

262

On

Bunyan, author of the Pilgrim's Progrefs.

INGENIOUS dreamer, in whofe well-told tale

Sweet fiftion and fweet truth alike prevail ;
vein, ftrong fenfe, and fimple ftyle
make the graveft fmile ;

Whofe humorous

May

teach the gayeft,

Witty and well-employ'd, and,

Speaking in parables his flighted

like

thy Lord,

word;

Revere the man, whofe pilgrim marks the road,

God.
guides the progrefs of the foul to

And

CoWPER.

On

the fame.

EUNYAN'S famed Pilgrim refts that fhelf upon,

A genius rare but rude was honeft John ;

Not one who,

early by the

mufe beguiled,

Drank from her well the waters undefiled ;

Not one who flowly gain'd the hill fublime,

Then

often fipp'd, and

But one

And

little at a

time

who

dabbled in the facred fprings,

drank them muddy, mix'd with bafer things.

CRABBE.

On

Sir Chrijtopher Wren.

I'VE always confider'd Sir Chriftopher

As an
And,

"

architect,

talking

one of the

of epitaphs

greateft

much

Wren,

of men
admire

his,

Circumfpice,Ji monumentum requiriss"

Which an erudite verger tranflated to me,

"If you afk for his monument, Sir-eome-fpy-fee !"
From " Ingoldjby Legends."

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
On

the two Lockess in imitation

of
on Milton.

263

Dry Jen's Epigram

Two

Lockes in England have diftinftion claim'd ;

For thinking one, and one for eating famed ;
That Ihone with luftre by the force of reafon,

This figured chiefly in a ven'fon feafon

Knowledge and tajle were by them both

T" enrich a mental, or corporeal feaft.

increafed,

Both zjine tafte endeavour'd to impart,

This had the body, that the mind at heart.
Lines addr effect

to

Mr. Accum, who

expofed the

adulteration of bread.

How

'tis

{hocking

our

fate to

dread,

dealing with our baker!

By

And, while we

eat our daily bread,

Befriend the undertaker

Death

oft,

Inflicls a

by

piftol,

mortal

fword, or knife,

wound

who would think the ftaff of life

Would fell us to the ground

But

No Royal Road
LEARNING

is

labour, call

it

to

Learning.

what you

will

Upon the youthful mind a heavy load,

Nor muft we hope to find the royal road.
Some will their eafy Heps to fcience mow,
And fome to heaven itfelf their by-way know
Ah truft them not who fame and blifs would
:

Muft

learn

by labour, and muft

live

by

care.

mare,

MORAL AND

264

On Homer.

From

the Greek of Antipater of Sidon.

FROM Colophon fome deem thee fprung

From Smyrna fome, and fome from Chios
;

Thefe noble Salamis have fung,

While tbofe proclaim thee born in los ;

And others cry up ThefTaly,

The mother of the Lapithae.
Thus each to Homer has affign'd
The birthplace juft which fuits his mind ;
But

if I

read the volume right,

to his followers given,

By Phoebus

I'd fay, They're all miftaken

quite,
that his real country's Heaven

And

While

No

for his

mother

me

can be

other than Calliope.

MERIVALE.

Body and

Soul.

From

THE facred writers to

Name but a part, and

We
And

the Latin of

Owen.

exprefs the whole,

call the man a foul.

frame our fpeech upon a different plan,

"

fay,

Somebody

" when
we mean

man.

Nobody heeds what everybody fays,

And

yet

how

fad the fecret

The World's

it

betrays.

Opinion.

WHAT is this world ? A term which men

To fignify, not one in ten knows what

have got

term, which with no more precifion pafles

point out herds of men than herds of afies;

To

In common
Than many

ufe

it means, we find,
fame opinions join'd.

no more

fools in

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
The Farmer's Centenary

contrafted.

265

lllujlrative

of

the caufes of agricultural diftrefs.

1822.

1722.

MAN,

to the

Wife, to the
Girl, to the

plough

MAN,

cow ;
fow

Wife,

mow

tally-ho

Mifs, piano
filk

and

fatin

Boy, Greek and Latin;

Boy,

to the

And

your rents will be

Andyou'llall ^Gazetted.
From The Times.

netted.

From HONE'S Works.

Pro/per2 ty and Adverjity.

WHEN

fortune fmiles and looks ferene,

"

'Tis,

Pray, Sir,

how

d'ye do,

Your family are well, I hope,

Can I ferve them or you?"
But

perchance, her fcale mould turn,

if,

And

with

it

change your plight,

" I'm

'Tis then,

forry for

But times are hard

The

Jtift

JUST

But he,

Man ; from

fate,

the Greek of Philemon.

man is not one who does no ill,

who with the power, has not the

On

your

good night."

a Mirror.

MIRROR has been well defined

An emblem

of a thoughtful mind;

For look upon

You

find

it is

it

when you

reflecting

ftill.

will,

will.

MORAL AND

266

Right and Wrong.

Do right though pain and anguifh be thy lot,

Thy heart will cheer thee when the pain's forgot
Do wrong for pleafure's fake, then count thy gains,
;

The

pleafure foon departs, the fin remains

SHUTTLEWORTH,

On

of C bleb eft er.

late Bijhop

the fame.

IF thou do

ill, the joy fades, not the pains :

If well, the pain doth fade, the joy remains.

GEORGE HERBERT.
The Ten Commandments epitomized.

WORSHIP

to

God, but not God graven, pay

Blafpheme not ; fandlify the fabbath-day

Be honour'd parents ; brother's blood unfhed
;

And

unpolluted hold the marriage-bed

From theft thy hand, thy tongue from lying, keep

Nor covet neighbour's home, fpoufe, ferf, ox, fheep.
A. R. ROWAN.
;

Walpole, on becoming Earl of Orford.

By Horace

AN

eftate

Had

and an earldom

I fought
fear

at feventy-four

them, or wifh'd them, 'twould add one

more,

That of making

a countefs,

But Fortune, who

Though unkind to

And, whether

fcatters

my

when

her

limbs, has

(he lowers or

almoft fourfcore

gifts

lifts

out of feafon,

ftill

left

me,

me my reafon

I'll

try,

In the plain fimple ftyle I have lived in, to die,

For ambition too humble, for meannefs too high.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

267

Parodied from the Greek of Me/eager.

DEAR Jenny Lind I'd rather hear you

Than Paganini fiddle "on one firing."
!

OK
GENIUS

is

Spreads

all

Foe

ling,

Shakfpeare.

of no country

her pure ray

;
general as the day ;
to reftraint, from place to place fhe flies,
abroad,

as

And may hereafter e'en in Holland rife.

May not (to give a pleafing fancy fcope,
And cheer a patriot heart with patriot hope),

May

not fome great extenfive genius raife

of Britain 'bove Athenian praife

The name
And,

whilft brave thirft of fame his

Make England
There may,

bofom warms,

great in letters as in arms

and Shakfpeare's mufe

there hath,

af-

pires

Beyond the reach of Greece ; with native fires

Mounting aloft, he wings his daring flight,
Whilft Sophocles below {lands trembling

at his height.

CHURCHILL.

On
THE
Are

Preaching.

fpecious fermons of a learned man,

little elfe than flajbes in the pan :

The mere

haranguing upon what they call

Morality,
powder without ball:
But he that preaches with a Chriftian grace,
is

Fires at our vices,

and the Jhot takes place.

On Time ; from
TIME

bears the world

the Greek of Plato.

away

little

Will change name, beauty, nature,

date
ay,

and

fate.

MORAL AND

268

On Ben

Jonfon.

IN ancient learning

His

rigid

judgment Fancy's

train'd,

flights reltrain'd

Corredlly pruned each wild luxuriant thought,

Mark'd out her courfe, nor fpared a glorious fault.
The book of man he read with niceft art,

And

ranfack'd

all

the fecrets of the heart

Exerted penetration's utmoft force,

And traced each paffion to its proper fource

Then,

And
The
And

ftrongly mark'd, in livelieft colours

drew,
brought each foible forth to public view :
coxcomb felt a lam in every word,
fools

hung

out, their brother fools deterr'd.

His comic humour kept the world in awe,

And

Laughter frighten'd Folly more than Law.

CHURCHILL.

The Maid of Saragojfa.

THE

Spanifli maid, aroufed,

Hangs on the willow her unftrung

And
Sung

And

guitar,

unfex'd, the anlace hath efpoufed,

the loud fong, and dared the deed of

all

fhe,

whom

war

once the femblance of a fear

Appall'd, an owlet's larum chill'd with dread,

views the column-fcatt'ring bay'net jar,

Now
The

falchion flam, and o'er the yet

Stalks,

with Minerva's

flep,

to tread.

On

warm

dead

where Mars might quake

LORD BYRON.

Swearing.

WEAK is the excufe that is on

The ufe of finning leflens not

cuftom built
the guilt.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
On
OF

269

Sbadwell and Wycherley, the Dramatic Poets.

all

Once

our modern wits, none feems to me

have touch'd upon true comedy,

to

But hafty Shadwell and flow Wycherley.

Shadwell's unfinifli'd works do yet impart
Great proofs of Nature's force, though none of art.
ROCHESTER.

On
HERE
Thou
What

And
Still,

With
With

me

let

deareft
if

fome

with

his

when

Dryden.

bend, great Dryden

name

at

to all the tuneful

thy fhrine,

Nine

dull lines in cold order creep,

theme the poet feems

his fubjecl: rifes

to fleep

proud to view,

equal ftrength the poet

too

rifes

ftrong invention, nob-left vigour fraught,

Thought ftill fprings up and rifes out of thought;

Numbers ennobling numbers in their courfe,
In varied fweetnefs flow, in varied force ;
The powers of genius and of judgment join,

And

the

whole

art

of poetry

is

thine.

CHURCHILL.
Future Glory.
FAITH, Hope, and Love were queftion'd what they
thought

Of future

Now

glory,

which

Faith believed

And Hope

it

religion taught:
to be firmly true,

expected fo to find

Love anfwer'd, fmiling with

"Believe, expeft,

know

it

it

too.

a confcious glow,
to

be fo."

JOHN WESLET.

MORAL AND

270

On Hogarth the Painter.

IN walks of humour, in that caft of ftyle,
Which, probing to the quick, yet makes us fmile ;
In comedy, his natural road to fame,

Nor let me call it by a meaner name,

Where a beginning, middle, and an end,
Are aptly join'd ; where parts on parts depend,
Each made for each, as bodies for their foul,
So

as to

form one true and perfect whole;

Where a plain ftory

Which we conceive

to the eye

is

told,

moment we

the

behold,

and mall engage

to the moft diftant age.

Hogarth unrivall'd
Unrivall'd praife

ftands,

CHURCHILL.

On

the Wedding-ring.

THIS precious emblem well doth reprefent

That evennefs that crowns us with content,

Which, when

it
wanting is, the lacred yoke
Becomes uneafy, and with eafe is broke.

Cbarafler.

SEE thou thy credit keep

'Tis gain'd by

'tis
;
quickly gone ;
a&ions, but 'tis loft by one.

many

The Pofer pofed.

PEDANT,

Afk'd,

to perplex a child,

" Where

is

God?" The

pupil fmiled

Embarrafs'd not a jot ;

For God's ubiquity he knew

So

"
ftraight replied,

Tell

me where

I'll tell

he

is

when you

not."

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
On Old
OLD Age,
Weak,

Age.

by Nature curfed

a fecond child,

With more and

271

greater evils

than the

firft

of pains, in every breath

and yet afraid of death :

fickly, full

Railing at

life,

Putting things

From day

with fage and folemn

off,

to day,

air,

without one day to fpare

Without enjoyment, covetous of pelf,

Tirefome to friends, and tirefome to himfelf ;
His faculties impair'd, his temper four'd,
His memory of recent things devour'd
E'en with the adling, on

Though the
From morn

his Ihatter'd brain,

falfe regifters

of youth remain

to evening babbling forth vain praife

Of thofe rare men, who lived in thofe rare

When he, the hero of his tale, was young

days,

Dull repetitions

faltering

on

his

tongue

mark of wifdom's fway,

time which made him grey

Praifing grey hairs, fure

E'en whilft he curies

Scoffing at youth, e'en whilft he

would

afford

All but his gold to have his youth reftored.

CHURCHILL.

On Snow

that melted on a Lady's Ereafl.

THOSE envious

flakes

which came

in hafte,

To

prove her breaft fo fair,

Grieving to find themfelves furpafs'd,
Diflblved into a tear.

OUR

bodies are like fhoes,

Phyfic their cobbler

is,

which

off

we

and death the

caft

laft.

MORAL AND

272

" Perveniri
adfummum

nijt

ex

principles non poteji"

(From the Latin of V, Bourne.)

NEWTON,

the light of each fucceeding age,

from a female fage,

Firft learn'd his letters

But thus

To

far taught

loftier ufe thofe

the alphabet once learn'd

elements he turn'd.

Forced the unconfcious

Known

quantities

figns,

by

with unknown

procefs rare,
to

compare

And, by their aid, profound deductions drew

From depths of truth his teacher never knew.
Yet the true authorefs of all was me!
Newton's Principia were

his a, b t c.

To a Lady who boafted of her Rofes and Tulips.

THE

emblematic of thee

rofes are quite

Replete with each beauty divine ;

But as for thy tulips we all mult agree,

No

two

lips are

On

fweeter than thine.

buying a Bible.

'Tis but a folly to rejoice or boaft

fmall a price thy well-bought purchafe coft,
Until thy death thou malt not fully know

How

Whether

And

it

was a pennyworth or no.

me, 'twill appear

at that time, believe

Extremely cheap or

elfe

On
I

LOVE a friend

To whom

But when a man's

From

Friendjbip.

that's

a tale I

extremely dear.

frank and juft,

can entruft

to flander given,

fuch a friend, proteft me,

Heaven

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

An
Too
Too
Too

old Worldlings Lament.

old to leap a gale ;

old to flirt with Kate

old to care a

Too
Too

273

fig for

frowns or fmiles of fate

old to eat with pleafure

old to tread a meafure ;

Too

To

old to gaze on gold, and count the ufelefs treafure

laugh, to ling, to talk, forbids my failing breath,

Too

old, too old, for anything but death.

To a Female Cupbearer*

COME, Leila, fill the goblet up,

Reach round the rofy wine ;
Think not that we will take the cup
From any hand but thine.

draught

No

like this 'twere

It fteals

its tints

Its brightnefs

To Mary

WHEN

vain to feck,

grape can fuch fupply

from

Leila's cheek,

from her eye.

after feeing the celebrated Statue

orta mari"

" Venus

I afcribed, as

bound

in duty,

The

character of perfeft beauty

To " Venus orta mari,"

meant

that I muft hefitate

Perfection to appropriate
To Venus, or to Mary.
*

From "Anthologia Oxonienfis," and tranflated into Latin

From " Notes and
elegiacs by Mr. Booth, of Magdalen College.
S^ueries"

MORAL AND

274

Prom

the German.

IF one has ferved thee,

tell

Haft thou ferved many,

the deed to

many

To a young Lady, who requeued the Author to

a Lock of Hair he had taken from her.

BY

not to any.

tell it

rejlore

one only recompenfe can I be led

With this beautiful ringlet to part

That mould I reftore you the lock of your head,
You will give me the key of your heart.
;

The Argument s

AH

fly

But

me

not, then, lovely fair,

my

let

imitatedfrom Anacreon.

paffion be return'd,

cruel time

Though
Has all

my golden

hair

to Jllver ringlets turn'd.

In thee the flowers of beauty breathe,

Yet ne'er defpife thefe locks of mine

For think

How

in chaplet or in

wreath

fweet the rofe and

The

lily

twine.

Contraft.

proud, you afk me why

I really do not know :
His looks and words are very high /

MARCUS

is

His ways are very low.

By

fuch extremes

In dignity to

To mute

if

mortals think

rife,

regret let

wifdom

'Tis folly to be wife.

fink;

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

275

Tit for Tat.

OLD Time
And

kills

Throughout

To

all,

all

our days,

In finding out ways

kill him,
by way of prevention.

The

OLD

us

Rich, poor, great, and fmall,

'tis therefore we rack our invention,

Quillet, his race

dying Lawyer.

upon earth almoft run,

Thus fagely advifed his too diffident

" Like a true limb of law, would

fon

live at

you

your eafe,
Ne'er boggle on any fide, lad, to take fees ;
Keep clear of a noofe, though you merit to fwing,

And
"
"

be fure to

fell

juftice for

Sell juftice?" retorted his

thing of fuch value

what

it

will

wondering

bring!"

heir,

fo precious, fo rare

The cement

of fociety, honour's beft hand,

"
Sell juftice?"
Aye,fe// it, and that out of band

You

rafcal

extravagant

thing of fuch price,

On

If

am
is

one friend Old

On Dean

His

fay,
it

away

"

a friend to

worth

you ;
hundred new.

Swift's Writings.

Sophocles her bee, to mow

did with a honied fweetnefs flow

call'd

ftrains

Name

you

give

William 0/dys, by bimfelf.

IN word and Will I

His

as

would you

And

ATHENS

'tis,

Swift the bee, and

ftrains in

honey

let

the

title tell,

as in ftings excel.

MORAL AND

276

Way

of the World.

DETERMINED beforehand, we

To

gravely pretend

and thoughts of a friend ;

from ours on any pretence,

afk the opinion

Should

his differ

We

pity his

But

if

Why

he

want both of judgment and

into

falls

really

we

and

think

him

fenfe;

our plan,

flatters

man.

a fenfible

Fame.
SEEK you glory
'Tis a

falfe,

What

is

fame

though fpecious name,

A gay,

but illufory bubble,

Envy's parent, child of trouble.

On

the leautlful Duchefs of Hamilton (afterward}

Ducbefs of Argyll) viewing the Tranjit of Venus, ix

1769, at Glajgow Univerjity.

THEY
But

tell

me Venus

is

in the

I fay that's a flory

Venus

is

Sun,

not in the Sun,

She's in the obfervatory.

The

Atbeift corrected.

INDEED, Mr.
, it feems very odd,
Whilft your eyes view His works, to deny there's a

And
Nor

God

our aftions He'll neither regard,

punifh our vice, nor our virtues reward.
aflert that

What, no vengeance

to

come

Well,

if this

true,

How

happy

'twill

be for the devil

m& you!

prove but

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

Vive

LOOK
Have

to thyfelf,

277

tibi ; confanguineo
fuo.

and learn

to live at

home

fellowfhip, henceforth, with few or none

See, fee, to what a pafs the world is come,

Friendfhip abides not, be thy fortunes gone.

Be thou like winter, that like fummer waft,
The fwallows fly that flock'd before fo faft.

Friends

And

fwim

like fifties, as the

ftream doth run,

like fly ferpents lurk in faireft

green ;
only reverence the riling fun,
Scarce looking towards him when he doth decline.

They

'Tis wealth preferves good-will, that from thee taken,

Thou that waft folio w'd flialt be foon forfaken.

Nay, mark

e'en

now,

Betakes herfelf unto the

And

her

the very bird of love

faireft

building

own home

If once (he fees

it

abandoneth the dove,

ruinous and yielding
:

No marvel, though faith fail in the trial,

When love's true turtle is turn'd thus difloyal.
This

vile,

heart-knawing, vulture age then

Feed not the hounds whofe teeth may

Let not the ferpent in thy bofom lie,

fly

after tear thee

Left flinging, thou repent he lay fo near thee.

Be thine own neighbour, and be

To

this thy
look unto thyfelf; to live at home.

doom,

THOMAS FREEMAN.

MORAL AND

278

On

the late Duchefs of Devon/hire canvaffingfor

C. J. Fox, at the Wejlminjler Elefiion.

ARRAY'D

in matchlefs beauty,

Devon's

fair

In Fox's favour takes a zealous part ;

where'er the pilferer comes, beware
But, oh
!

She fupplicates a vote, and

fteals

a heart.

Pope imitated.

How

weak

Born

in this

is

man

to Reafon's

moment,

in the

judging eye
next we die ;

Part mortal clay, and part ethereal fire,

to creep, too humble to afpire.

Too proud

WEST.
To a Lady, with a Prefent of Fruit.

THOUGH

To

the plum, and the peach, with Apollo confpire,

prefent

Their aid

is

you

their foftnefs, zn&fweetnefs, andjire,

in vain

for

what can they do

But blufh, and confefs themfelves vanquifli'd in you

Where -virtue and wit with fuch qualities blend,

What

mortal,

what

goddefs,

On
ONE
The

great

would dare

to

contend

AJflittions.

comfort from the greateft ills we gain,

can never give our breaft a pain,
lefs

Diftraft our thought, or difcompofe our heart,

Or fuffer fate to throw a fecond dart.
Juft fo, the martial trumpet's weaker found,
The louder noife of burfting thunders drown'd,

Nor

does the

When

ftars' expiring light

appear,
the day opens and the fun is near.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

279

Jealoufy,

How much
By

are they deceived

who

vainly ftrive

jealous fears to keep our flames alive

Love's like a torch, which, if fecured from blafts,

Will faintlier burn ; but then it longer lafts.
to ftorms

Expofed

The

On

of jealoufy and doubt,

flame grows greater, but

'tis

fooner out.

Garrick and Barry, in the charafter of King Lear.

THE town has found out different ways

To praife its different Lears ;

To Barry it gives loud huzzas,

To Garrick only tears.

king

"

Ay, every inch

Such Barry doth appear

a king

"
!

But Garrick's quite another thing,

He's every inch King Lear.

The Alarms of Confcience.

WHEN
Down
There,

He
On

thunder rumbles in the

fkies,

to the cellar Vallius flies

to be fure, he's fafe

thinks there

is

no

a new-born Babe.

God

why

fo

below.

From

the Per/tan.

ON parent knees a naked new-born child,

Weeping thou fat'ft, while all around thee fmiled
So

live, that, finking in

Calm

thy laft long fleep,

thou mayft fmile, while all around thee weep.

MORAL AND

280

Written on a Window.

WHERE'ER

the diamond's bufy point could pafs,

wounds have pierced the middle glafs
While, partially, untouching all the reft,

See what deep

Higheft and loweft panes fhine unimpreft

No wonder this for even in life 'tis fo ;

fortunes ftand unreach'd, unfeen the low,

High

But middle

ftates are

marks

From

for every blow.

the Spanish.

THE

days of our happinefs gliding away,

A year feems a moment, and ages a day ;
But, Fortune converting our fmiles into tears,

What

an age a diminutive

Oh, Fortune

Why

appears

fickle a

name,
?

and bid moments of pleafure move flow,

give eagle-plumes to the pinions of woe.
!

The

THERE
Shall

poflefs'd

moment

of fo

only in this art thou ever the fame

Oh, change

And

Poet's Offering.

my

Farewell, ye chords

Accept the

the Greek.

lyre ! This aged hand no more

the firings to rapture known before.

hang,

wake

From

folace

of

ye verfe-infpiring powers,
native hours

my

Begone to youths, ye inftruments of fong!

For cratches only to the old belong.

The Wijh.

THE

various

ills

below content

Grant me, indulgent Heaven

Nor

life

to overprize,

Let Fortune

I'll
!

nor death to

fhuffle as

me

bear,

this fble requeft;

fear,

pleafe the reft.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
Human

WE

281

Greatnefs.

gaze on a billow with wonder and awe,

Swelling high
Till,

broken and

And
So the

as it threatens the fhore

think of that

Though

forget

of the great, fo the fame of the brave,

of glory and pride,

pomp

So the

what we faw,
billow no more.

we

loft,

treafures

mount on

they

the flood, like the high-fwelling

wave,
Like that, too, mufl ebb with the

tide.

Toutb.

THE

pliant foul

Is like foft

Apt

of erring youth

wax, or moiften'd

to receive all

Or
Shun

yield to tyrant
evil in

ill

the fway.

your early years,

And manhood may to

But he who in his youth

virtue

rife

appears

fool, in age will ne'er be wife.

The
IF

clay,

heavenly truth,

Lady's Wijh.

be true, celeftial powers

That you have form'd me fair;
it

And

yet in

My
Then

all

vaineft hours,

in return I beg

As you were

What

my

mind has been

my care

ever kind,

envious time takes from

Beftow upon

this grace,

my

mind.

my

face,

MORAL AND

282

From
Is

beauty

Let

the Italian of Pananti.

outward form denied

to thine

virtue's graceful veil

its

abfence hide

As

Caefar wreathed the laurel round his brow,

And hid the baldnefs of his head below.

From Martial.

WHAT

makes the happieft

A
A

few plain

conftant

rules,

my

we know,

life

mow:

friend, will

good eftate, not earn'd with toil,

But left by will, or given by fate ;
A land of no ungrateful foil ;

No

fire

law; few

within your grate ;

a quiet mind;
;

cares

Strength unimpair'd ; a healthful frame;

innocence combined ;

Wifdom with

Friends equal both in years and fame;

Your living eafy ; and your board

With

food, but not with luxury, ftored

bed, though chafte, not folitary;
fleep, to fhorten night's dull reign;

Wifh nothing that you have to vary ;

Think all enjoyments that remain;

And,

for the inevitable hour,

Nor hope

it

nigh, nor dread

its

power.

Prayer of a Heathen.

GREAT Jove this one petition grant :

(Thou knoweft beft what mortals want !)
!

Afk'd, or unafk'd, what's good fupply

What's

evil

to

my

prayer deny

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

283

Charity.

IT

To
And

man

the duty of a

is

blefs his greateft foe,

fhield the

To work

arm

that late

his direft

was

raifed

woe.

Juft fo the fcented fandal-tree,

In all its pride and bloom,

Sheds on the axe that lays it low
A fweet and rich perfume.

Rome.

Go,

then, to

The Rome

Rome

and hope

in

Rome

to find

piftured to thy mind

Afk, difappointed, where the wonder lies,
And hail the imperial ruin with thy fighs.

thy

claffics

Thofe walls, thofe maffive fragments, dark with ruft,

Thofe colifaeums crumbling into duft,
Thofe are thy Rome
See frowning from the ground
!

Her

very afhes breathe a menace round

Imperial miftrefs of a conquer'd world,

Her

laft

Now
Is

deftruclion at herfelf fhe hurl'd

Tiber,

ftill

in

motion,

Roman name

the fole index of the

ftill

the fame.

Learn hence the paradox of Fortune's reign,

The

fix'd are

gone

Acrojlical

CARE

the unfteady

Epigram

flies

And

to

the brain

raptures

fill

ftill

a lady named Carr.

when you
the heart;

Raptures decay, and fullen care

Returns,

remain.

when you

depart.

are near,

MORAL AND

284

On
FROM

a Bee Jlifled in Honey.

flower to flower, with eager pains,

bleft, bufy labourer fly ;

See the

When

all

that

Is, in the

from her

toil

fhe gains,

fweets fhe hoards, to die.

Tis thus, would man the truth

With life's foft fweets ; each
If we talle wifely, they relieve,
But

if

we

believe,

favourite joy

plunge too deep, deftroy.

Time.

How

fwift the pinions

To

urge his flight

Time

puts on

away!
anon
;

To-day's foon yefterday

To-morrow
Thus

is

to-day

days, and weeks, and months, and years,

Depart from mortal view ;

As, fadly, through this vale of

Our journey we

purfue

tears

Yet grieve not, man, that thus he

He
The

haftes thee to thy reft

drooping wretch that fooneft dies,

with the bleft

Is fooneft

On

flies,

a beautiful Toung Lady.

From

the Greek.

CYPRUS muft now two Venufes adore

Ten

are the Mufes,

So charming
She's a

and the Graces four

Flavia's wit, fo fweet her face,

new Mufe,

Venus, and a Grace.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.
On Dr.

285

Johnfon's Diftionarj.

TALK

of war with a Briton, he'll boldly advance

That one Englifh foldier will beat ten of France.

Would we

The

alter the boaft

odds are

Hill greater,

from the fword

ftill

greater our

to the pen,

men

In the deep mines of fcience though Frenchmen

may

toil,

Can

their ftrength be

compared

to

Locke, Newton, and

Boyle?

Let them

rally their heroes, fend forth all their

powers,

Their verfe-men and profe-men, then match them with

ours

Milton and Shakefpeare, like gods in the fight,

Have put their whole drama and epic to flight.

Firft

In

fatires, epiftles,

Their numbers

And
Has

and odes, would they cope?

Dryden and Pope.

retreat before

Johnfon, well arm'd, like a hero of yore,

beat forty French,* and will beat forty more

The Maid of Orleans. From

the French of

Matter be.

FAIR Amazon'! the cruel foe

Who

to the flames confign'd

Thy form, his fcorn of laws difplay'd,

And bafe perfidious mind
!

But

juft

was Fate, by fuch

Who raifed
For

file

who

Should
*

The number

death

thee to the Iky ;

like Alcides lived,

like

Alcides die.

conftituting the

French Academy,

thirty years in compiling their Dictionary.

who wre

MORAL AND

i86

From
ABUNDANCE

The

a bleffing to the wife

ufe of riches in difcretion lies

Learn
In a

is

the Greek.

ye

this,

fool's

men of

pocket

is

wealth

heavy

heavy purfe

curfe.

Written on Glafs, by a Gentleman who borrowed the

Earl of

ACCEPT

Cbefterfield's

diamond pencil.

a miracle, inftead

of wit,

See two dull lines by Stanhope's pencil writ.

Againft
WHAT

Life.

tranquil road, unvex'd

by

ftrife,

mortals choofe through human

Attend the courts, attend the bar,

Can

There

At

life ?

difcord reigns, and endlefs jar.

borne, the

weary wretches

find

Severe difquietude of mind.

To till the fields gives toil and pain

Eternal terrors fweep the main.
If rich, we fear to lofe our ftore,

Need and

diftrefs

await the poor.

Sad cares the bands of Hymen give ;

Friendlefs, forlorn, th' unmarried live.

Are

children born ?

we

anxious groan

Childlefs, our lack of heirs

we moan.

Wild, giddy fchemes our youth engage;

Weaknefs and want deprefs old age.

Would

fate, then,

with

my wim

I'd never live, or quickly

die.

comply,

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

For

287

Life.

MANKIND may

walk, unvex'd by ftrife,

Through every road of human life.

wifdom

Fair

regulates the bar,

And

peace concludes the wordy war.

home, aufpicious mortals find

At

Serene tranquillity of mind.

All beauteous nature decks the //#;#.,
And merchants plough for gold the main.

Refpeft

from our Jl'ore s

arifes

Security from being poor.

More joys the bands of Hymen give;

Th' unmarried with more freedom

If parents, our

bleft lot

we own

live.

Cbildlefs, we have no caufe to moan

Firm vigour crowns our youthful ftage
:

And
Since

all is

" I'd

never

On

ON

venerable hairs old age.

good, then,
live, or

Mifs

M.

who would cry,

quickly die

"

Tree, the Singer.

Tree when a nightingale fettles and fings,

The Tree will return her as good as me brings.
this

LUTTRELL.

Good for

"
"

'Tis noble, fure, in

Who

evil Ipeaks

Well,

we

But

you

Evil.
to praife the

man

of you the whole day long."

mould always praife where'er we can,

here, perhaps,

we both

are in the

wrong."

MORAL AND

288

On

THE

We

world

Life.

but an opera fhow :

come, look round, and then we go.
is

Epitome of Man's Life.

CHILDHOOD

in toys delights

And youth in fports as vain ;

Mid age has many cares and frights ;
Old age

is full

of pain.

From

the Greek.

EXTREMES of fortune

And

he's of

are true wifdom's teft:

men moft

wife,

who

bears

them

belt.

Merit and Reward.

How

feldom, friend

Honour

Or

good great man inherits

all his worth and
pains!

from the land of fpirits,

It founds like ftories

If any

or wealth, with

man

obtain that which he merits,

any merits that which he obtains.

Reply

to

the above.

FOR fhame,

What
Place

dear friend, renounce this canting drain

wouldft thou have a good great man obtain ?

titles ?

falary

a gilded chain

Or

throne of corpfes which his fword had flain ?

Greatnefs and goodnefs are not means but ends!

Hath he not always

treafures, always friends,

The good great man ? Three treafures, love, and light,

And calm thoughts, regular as infant's breath ;
And three firm friends, more fure than day and night,
Him/elf, his Maker, and the Angel Death.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

289

The World.

THE world's a book, writ by th' eternal

Of the Great Author; printed in man's

art

heart;

'Tis falfely printed, though divinely penn'd,

And all the errata will appear at th' end.

On

Anne, Countefs of Sunderland, fecond daughter of

Duke of Marlborough, who was very

the great
beautiful.

ALL

Nature's charms in Sunderland appear,

Bright as her eyes, and as her reafon clear ;

Yet

their force, to

ftill

Seems undifcover'd

men

not fafely

known,

to herfelf alone.

EARL OF HALIFAX.
Dr. Young, the author of the " Night Thoughts" was
once walking in his garden with the lady

whom he

was wooing and a friend of hers, when a fervant

came to tell him he was wanted. He was fo interejied
which he was engaged, that he
the fummons, though urged by the

in the converfation in

paid no attention
ladies

its

to go.

and the

to

The fervant came again and

and pujhed him out of the garden.

turned round and addreffed them,
love, in thefe

THUS Adam

And

repeated

him by the arms

He is faid to have

ladies then playfully took

efpecially his lady-

words :^

look'd

when from

the garden driv'n,

thus difputed orders fent from Heav'n

Hard was his fate but mine ftill more unkind,

His Eve went with him ; but mine ftays behind,
u

MORAL AND

290

On
HORACE

And

ftill

Horace, the Latin Poet.

charms with graceful negligence,

without method

talks us into fenfe;

Will, like a friend, familiarly convey

The trueft notions in the eafieft way.

He who,

fupreme in judgment as in wit,

as he boldly writ,

Might boldly cenfure

Yet judged with coolnefs, though he fung with

His precepts teach but what his works infpire.

fire

POPE.

On

Arijtotle.

THE

mighty Stagyrite firit left the fliore,

Spread all his fails, and durft the deeps explore

He

fteer'd fecurely,

Led by

and difcover'd

the light of the Maeonian

far,

ftar.

Poets, a race long unconfined and free,

Still fond and proud of favage liberty,
Received his laws, and flood convinced 'twas

Who

On

Longinus, author of the

" Sublime and

Beautiful"
Nine

THEE, bold Longinus

And

with a poet's

An

fit

conquer'd nature fhould prefide o'er wit.

POPE.

blefs their critic

all

the

infpire,

fire

ardent judge, who, zealous in his

truit,

With warmth gives fentence, yet is always juft

Whofe own example ftrengthens all his laws,

And

is

himfelf that great fublime he draws.

POPE.

PANEGYRICAL EPIGRAMS.

291

To-morrow.

TO-MORROW you

will live, you always cry

In what far country does to-morrow lie,

That

'tis

Beyond

fo

mighty long ere

the Indies does this

'Tis fo far-fetch'd, this

it

arrive

'morrow

'morrow

live

that I fear,

'Twill be both old and very dear.

To-morrow I will live, the fool does fay ;
To-day's too late the wife lived yefterday.

finale.

THOSE epigrams, my friends, commend,

That with a turn, leaft thought of, end ;
Then,

fure, a tip-top

one

they'll call,

This which concludes with none

at

all.

PART

III.

MONUMENTAL
r

EPIGRAMS.

"

LIFE'S but a walking fliadow, a poor player

That

And

ftruts

then

and

is

Told by an

frets his

hour upon the

heard no more

idiot, full

it is

ftage,

a tale

of found and fury,

Signifying nothing."

SHAXSPEARE.

" HE

lies

like an Epitaph."

Old Englijh Proverb.

PART

III.

MONUMENTAL
On

From

a Fowler.

'ITH

EPIGRAMS.

the Greek of Ijiodoruf.

and birdlime, from the defert

feeds
air,

Eumelus gather'd
fare

No

lordly patron's

free,

though fcanty

hand he deign'd

to kifs,

Nor

luxury knew, fave liberty, nor blifs.

Thrice thirty years he lived, and to his heirs

His

feeds bequeath'd, his birdlime,

and

his fnares.

Owen Churchyard,

Epitaph, in Hales

on Mifs

Anne Powell.
HERE, here fhe

lies, a

Blafted before

Whofe innocence
Beyond

To

thofe

its

budding rofe

bloom,

did fweets difclofe

that flower's perfume.

who

for her death are grieved,

This confolation's given,

She's from the ftorms of life relieved

To

mine more bright

in heaven.

SHENSTONE.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

296

From

AT

the Greek.

threefcore winters' end I died,

cheerlefs being, fole

and fad

The nuptial knot I never tied,

And wifh my father never had.
COWPER.

On Dry den,
THIS
Here

the Poet.

By

Bijbop dtterbury.

Sheffield raifed, to

Dryden's aflies juft,

name, and there his laurell'd buft
What elfe the mufe in marble might exprefs
Is known already
praife would make him lefs.
fix'd his

On Ben
HERE

lies

Jonfon.

Jonfon, with the

reft

Of the

poets, but the beft.

Reader, wouldft thou more have known,

Afk his ftory not the

That will fpeak, what

Of his

glory

On
HERE Johnfon

Whom

to

Whofe

profe

lies,

ftone;
this can't tell,

fo, farewell.

Jobnfon.

a fage by

1785.
all

allow'd,

have bred, may well make England proud

was eloquence, by wifdom

taught,

The

graceful vehicle of virtuous thought;

verfe may claim, grave, mafculine, and ftrong,
Superior praife to the mere poet's fong ;

Whofe

Who many
And

a noble gift

faith at laft, alone

from heaven

worth

all

the

poffefs'd,
reft.

man, immortal by a double prize,

By fame on earth, by glory in the ikies.

COWPER.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

the Count efs

UNDERNEATH

Dowager of Pembroke.
marble hearfe

this

Lies the fubjeft of

Sydney's

Death

filter,

verfe

all

Pembroke's mother,

ere thou halt flain another,

Fair, and learned, and good as

Time

297

me,

mall throw his dart at thee.

BEN JONSON.

On
SEE

how God works

Here

a lawyer

lies

On

a Lawyer.

wonders

his

now and

then,

and an honelt man.

Sir Francis Drake, drowned at fea.

WHERE Drake firft found, there laft he loft

And for his tomb left nothing but a name.

his

fame,

His body's buried under fome great wave;

fea, that was his glory, is his grave

The

Of him

no man

For who can

true epitaph can make,

" Here

fay,

lies

On

Sir Francis

Drake f

"

Pope.

YE Mufes, weep ye fons of Phoebus, mourn,

And decorate with tears this facred urn
!

Pope died

They

Fame bade

the

Mufes found

his praife

faid, 'twas done in his immortal lays.

ROLT.
Gay's Epitaph s by bimfelf.

LIFE
I

is

jeft,

and

all

things

thought fo once, but

now

fhow
I

it

know

it.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

298

Popes own Epitaph.

HEROES and

kings, your diftance keep;

In peace let one poor poet fleep,
Who never flatter'd folks like you :

Let Horace blufh and Virgil too.

On Admiral Blake*
a man, made Spain and Holland make,
France to tremble, and the Turks to quake ;
Thus he tamed men ; but if a lady flood

HERE
Made
In

lies

fight, it raifed a palfy in his

Cupid's antagonift,

Had

who on

blood

his life

fortune as familiar as a wife.

ftiff,

hard, iron foldier

for he,

had more of Mars than Mercury ;

he thunder'd, calm'd each raging wave,

It feems,

At

fea

And now

On
BENEATH

thundering to the grave.

he's dead, fent

a talkative Old Maid.

this filent ftone

noify, antiquated

Who
And

maid

from her cradle

ne'er before

On

is

laid

talk'd

till

death,

was out of breath.

a Mifer.

READER, beware immoderate love of pelf;

Here

lies

the worfl of thieves

* Blake rendered himfelf

who

robb'd himfelf.

famous by many adlions abroad

for

he humbled the pride of France, reduced the Portuguefe to fubmiflion, broke the ftrength of the Dutch, fubdued the pirates in
the Mediterranean, and twice triumphed over the Spaniards.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On
His card

is

The game

cut

of

life

a Card Maker.

long days he fhuffled through

he dealt as others do.
:

Though he by honours

When

the

laft

299

trump

On

is

tells

not

its

amount,

play'd, his tricks will count.

Archbijhop Potter.

ALACK, and well-a-day,

Potter himfelf is turn'd to clay

Let well alone.

"

was well, would be

better,

took phyfic, and died."

From

HERE Lyiimachus
Bade adieu to the

the Greek.

who, when twenty years old,

and was laid in the mould
what difeafe overtook him fo foon,
lies,

light,

If you afk
Ere the morning of

life

had approach'd

to

its

noon,

Why, he died of defiring, when well, to be better,

And of following the faculty's rules to the letter.
After Lifts fitful Fever.

From

the Greek.

BLESS not

my tomb, vile worldling; if I

Afar from your intrufion, I am bleft.
On
JUST

to her lips the

Found
She

And

an Infant.

cup of life fhe

prefs'd,

the tafte bitter, and refufed the reft

felt

averfe to

foftly figh'd

life's

her

reft

returning day,

little foul

away.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

300

On
HERE

lies

Old Giles

Who

a Parijb Clerk.

within

tomb, fo calm,
found
his knell :
pray
this

thought no fong was like a pfalm,

mufic like a bell.

No
On

the

Tomb of a Mother and Daughter, who killea

to avoid captivity. From the Greek.

tbemfelves

HERE fleeps a daughter by her mother's fide

Nor flow difeafe nor war our fates allied.

When

hoftile

banners over Corinth waved,

Preferring death, we left a land enflaved.

Pierced by a mother's Heel in youth I bled,

She nobly join'd me in my gory bed ;

In vain ye forge your fetters for the brave,
Who fly for facred freedom to the grave.

On C. J.

Fox.

By

Sir Walter Scott, in his

Introduction to

FOR

talents

When

To

mourn untimely

wit that loved to play, not

all

feelings keen,

They

wound

the reafoning powers divine,

penetrate, refolve,

And

loft,

employ'd and wanted mod

genius high and lore profound,

beft

Mourn

And
And

" Marmion."

fleep

combine

and fancy's glow,

with him

who

fleeps below.

Carriers Epitaph on Goldfmith.

HERE

Who

lies Nolly Goldfmith, for fhortnefs called Noll,

wrote like an Angel, but talk'd like poor Poll.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

301

a Clergyman named Cbeft.

HERE lies at reft, I do proteft,

One Cheft within another
The cheft of wood was very good
;

Who

fays fo

On

of the other

Wood

Cutter.

THE Lord

faw good, I was lopping off wood

fell from the tree;
met with a check, and I broke my neck,

And down

And

fo

death lopp'd off me.

On

HE

S.

lived one

Rumbold.

hundred and

five,

Sanguine and ftrong;

An hundred to five,

You

live

not fo long.

On

one Eldred.

HERE lies the body of John Eldred,

At leaft he will be here when he is dead
But now at this time he is alive,

The

On

fourteenth of Auguft, fixty-five.

the Cheltenham

and Epfom Waters.

HERE lie I and my three daughters,

All from drinking the Cheltenham waters;
While

We

if

we had kept to the Epfom falts,

now be in thefe here vaults.

(hould not

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

302

On
WHOE'ER you
For

if

a great Eater.

are, tread fofcly, I entreat you,

he chance to wake, be fure

On John
UNDER

Who

this fod lies

was

he'll eat

you.

Round.

John Round,

the fea, and never was found.

loft in

On an Arcbitefl named Trollop, who

built the

Exchange

and Town Court of Newcaftle.

HERE

Who

lies

Robert Trollop,

made yon ibnes

When

roll

up

death took his foul up,

His body

On

filled this

Sir

HERE

John

hole up.

Guife.

lies

Sir

John Guife

No
No

one laughs,
one cries ;

Where he

is

And how

he

gone,
fares,

No

one knows,
And no one cares.

On

Quick, the ASlor, famous in bis day for traveftie

of the parts of Plays be performed.

THE
And

great debt of

came,

like a

Nature he paid,

gentleman,

as all muft,

down with

his duft.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

303

Prior, the Poet ; by bimfelf.

GENTLEMAN, here by your leave,

Lie the bones of Matthew Prior

fon of

Adam

Can Bourbon

On

and Eve,
or Naflau go higher.

a Eookfeller' s Hack.

poor Ned Purdon, from mifery freed,

long was a bookfeller's hack :
led fuch a damnable life in this world,

HERE

lies

Who
He

I don't think he'll wifh to

come

back.

GOLDSMITH.

On

a Carrier,

who

died of Drunkennefs.

JOHN ADAMS lies here, of the parim of Southwell

A carrier who carried his can to his mouth well

He
He

much, and he carried fo faft,

could carry no more, fo was carried at

carried fo

For the liquor he drank being too much

He

could not carry

off, fo

he's

now

laft

for one,

carrion.

BYROH.

On W.

WITH

Pitt.

death doom'd to grapple,

this cold flab, he

Beneath

Who lied in the chapel,

Now lies in the abbey.
BYRON.

On
HERE

Who

an Englijhman.

Jack Roaft Beef, efquire, doth lie,

hang'd himfelf he knew not why.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

304

On

two Bilfton Lawyers, Wilfon and

HERE

lies

what's

Who, fome

left

folks fay, died

mad

fay, 'was not fo bad,

Who

ever

knew

HERE

lies

what's

a fool go

Who

left

taught mankind

That when they'd

He'd ceafe to wag

On

effort.

at Bilfton

But others

On

of lawyer Wilfon,
!

mad ?

Je/on.
of lawyer Jeflbn,
this ufeful leffon,

fpent their laft in law,

his nether jaw.

one

Joe Pope.

Joe Pope,
Lived without hope,

I,

And

died by a rope.

On John Shaw.
HERE

lies

John Shaw,

Attorney-at-law ;
And when he died,

The devil
" Give us

cried,

your paw,

John Shaw,
Attorney-at-law."

MOORE'S Memoirs.

On
HERE

Who

lies

the

a Cooper.

body of Ephraim Snubbs,

got his living by

mending tubs

He caught his death while it was raining,

And met his fate without complaining.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On
THE

305

Hogarth, the Painter.

hand of him here torpid

That drew

Here, clofed in death,

That faw

th' attentive eyes

manners

the

lies,

forms of grace

th' eflential

in the face.

DR. JOHNSON.

On
WELL
So
So

then

Gay, the Poet.

poor

there's an

little juftice

Gay

lies

underground,

end of honeft Jack

here he found,

'Tis ten to one he'll ne'er

come

back.

POPE.

On
As

a ben-pecked Country Squire.

father

A
Here

Adam

cafe that's
lies

The

firft
ftill

man

was

too

fool'd,

common,

woman

devil ruled the

ruled,

woman.
BURNS.

On

William Peppers at St. John's, Stamford,

ob.

THOUGH
I

hot

my

1783.

name, yet mild by nature,

bore good-will to every creature

brew'd good ale, and fold it too,

And unto each I gave his due.
I

On
NATURE and

God

faid,

Sir Ifaac Newton,

Nature's laws lay hid in night

Let

Newton

be,

and

all

was

light.

POPE.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

306

WHOE'ER thou art, O reader, know

That death has murder'd Johnny
An* here his body lies fu' low,
For

foul

he ne'er had ony.

BURNS.

On

Sir

John Vanbrugh,

the Arcbiteft,

who

dejigned Blenheim.

LIE heavy on him, earth ; for he

Laid many a heavy load on thee.

MAN, having

left fix

guineas for the poet

who

fhould

make

his epitaph, his three executors thought they might

manage to do it themielves, and fave the money ; which

they did as follows, and each took up

Here

lies

2nd. Here

lies

ift.

3rd.

two

guineas

John Brown, Provoft of Dundee

lies he:

John, here

Hallelujah, hallelujee.

On

Elizabeth Ireland.

HERE

I lie at the chancel door,

Here

I lie becaufe

The

farther in, the

Here

lie I as

I'm poor:

more you pay

warm

as they.

TickelFs Lines on the Burial of Addifon.

NE'ER

to thefe

chambers, where the mighty

Since their foundation, came a nobler gueft.

HERE

lies

Now

{he's at reft,

my

wife

here

and

fo

let

am

her

lie

I.

DRYDEN.

reft,

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
I LAID

wife beneath

my

For her repofe and

for

On Sarah
HERE

lies

Who

was

You

307

this ftone

my own.

Sexton.

the body of Sarah Sexton,"

a wife that never vexed one

can't fay that for her at the next ftone.

On
HERE

a Shrew.

dear wife, a vixen and fhrew

my

lies

If I faid I lamented her, I mould

lie too.

Another.

Two

bones of

I buried

my

my

body have taken

wife and got rid of

a trip,

my

hyp.

Another.

poor wife, much lamented,

She's happy and I'm contented.

HERE

lies

my

From

the Greek of Leonidas.

THE name

of Crethon and his

This ftone

is

Who
Who
Who

placed

erft like
erft

he

Gyges did

lies in

ftate to

abound

in wealth

beheld his herds and flocks around

why longer idly talk ?

Envied by all, now holds of earth
erft

mow,

duft below

this

man,

a fpan.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

308

When

man named Thomas Thorpe

were about
inscription

died, his friends

engrave on bis tombft one the following

to

" THIS
Is

but conjidering this

reduced thus

corpfe

Tommy

Thorpe's ;"

too long, on reflection, it

was finally

"

Thorpe's

Corpfe."

On Mo Here.
Roscius hie

Cui genus

Dum

ludit

fitus eft trifti

humanum

Molierus

in urna,

ludere, ludus erat.

mortem, mors indignata jocantem

nimium fingere, faeva negat.*

Corripit, et

WITHIN
Here

Who,

this

lies

melancholy tomb confined,

the matchlefs ape of

human

kind

while he labour'd with ambitious

To

mimic death

So

well, or rather

That Death,

as

he had mimick'd

ill,

ftrife

life,

perform'd his part,

delighted with his wond'rous art,

Snatch'd up the copy, to the grief of France,

And made it an original at once.

In a Churchyard near Salijbury, on Richard Button.

OH
Are

fun,

moon,

ftars,

and ye

celeftial poles

graves then dwindled into

* Molierewas born in
1620, and died 1673.

He

wrote feveral

exquifite plays, and, whilft performing the part of a dead

one of them, was taken

ill,

man

and died a few hours afterwards.

in

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
Written on the Death of Frederic,

eldeft

309

Son of

George II.

HERE

lies

Fred,

Who

was

alive

Had
I

it

had

been

and

is

dead

much

rather

Had

it

Still

better than another

Had

it

No

his father,

been his brother,

been his

lifter,

one would have mifs'd her

Had

it

Still better for

But fince

Who

been the whole generation,

'tis

was

the nation

alive

and

dead,

is

There's no more to be

On

only Fred,

faid.

an Idiot Boy.

IF innocency may claim a place in heaven,

And little be required for little given,

My great Creator
A world of blifs
On

Sophocles.

From

has for

me

in ftore

what can the wife have more ?

the Greek of Simmias the Tbeban.

WIND, gentle evergreen, to form a made

Around the tomb where Sophocles is laid ;
Sweet

With
Thus

ivy, wind thy boughs to intertwine

blufhing rofes and the cluttering vine

will thy lafting leaves, with beauties hung,

Prove grateful emblems of the

Whofe

Among

lays he fung,

by the god of wit,

the Mufes and the Graces writ.

foul, exalted

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

310

On

a Wicked

Man,

killed by a fall from bis horfe,

during which he

BETWEEN
I

is

fuppofed

mercy fought,

Here

fay,

mercy found.
CAMDEN'S Remains.

On John

He
He

to

the ftirrup and the ground

Sullen.

John Sullen, and it is God's will,

was Sullen, mould be Sullen ftill :

lies

that

ftill is

Knock

Sullen, if the truth ye feek,

until

doomfday, Sullen will not fpeak.

From

the French.

CARELESS and thoughtlefs all my life,

Stranger to every fource of ftrife,

And deeming each grave fage a fool,

The law of nature was my rule,
By which I duly learnt to meafure
portion of defire and pleafure.
'Tis ftrange that here I lie, you fee,

My

For death muft have indulged a whim,

At any time t' have thought of me,

Who

never once did think of him.

HERE

lies

On

Elizabeth Wife.

Elizabeth Wife.

She died of thunder fent from heaven

In feventeen hundred feventy-feven.

On
HERE

lies

Strange, a Lawyer.

an honeft lawyer, that

is

Strange.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On Bun,
HERE

lies

311

or Wood.

John Bun,

Kill'd by a gun.

His

real

name was Wood,

But that wouldn't rhyme,

So I thought Bun fhould.

On

the Statue, in Clement's Inn, of a Negro

fupporting
a Sun-dial.

IN vain, poor

Thou
For

fable fon

feek'ft the

thee, alas

of woe,

tender tear;

it ftill

muft flow,

For mercy dwells not here.

From

cannibals thou fled'ft in vain,

Lawyers

lefs

quarter give

The firft won't eat you till you're

The laft will do 't alive.

flain,

From the Spanijh.

" BETTER to roam the fields for health
unbought,
Than fee the doctor for a naufeous draught."
This maxim long I happily purfued,

And

fell

difeafe

my

health then ne'er fubdued

more than well at length I tried,

The doftor came at laft, and then I died.
But

to be

The Lawyer's Promotion.

HERE

lies
Lawyer Lag, in a woeful condition,
once was a law-man, now turn'd politician
Alive, he a Templer was, keeping his terms,

Who
And

dead, he makes one in the diet of worms.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

312

On

Partridge, the Almanack-maker.

HERE,

five feet

deep,

lies

on

his

back

A cobbler, ftar-monger, and quack

Who to the ftars, in pure good-will,
;

Does

to his beft look

Weep,
His

all

upward

ftill.

you cuftomers that ufe

pills, his

almanacks, or fhoes

And you

that did your fortunes feek,

to
his
grave but once a week:
Step
This earth, which bears his body's print,

You'll find has fo

That

I durft

much

pawn my

Whate'er concerns you

virtue in'r,
ears 'twill

tell

full as well,

In phyfic, ftolen goods, or love,

As he himfelf could, when above.

DEAN

On

SWJFT.

a Smuggler.

HERE

I lies

Kill'd

by the XIS.

On

Infants.

The mother gave, in tears and pain,

The flowers (he moft did love
She knew me mould find them all again
;

In the

Oh

fields

of light above.

not in cruelty, not in wrath,

The

reaper

came

that day

'Twas an

And

angel vifited the green earth,

took the flowers away.

LONGFELLOW.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On
BENEATH
Demar,
His

this

313

a Mifer.
verdant hillock

lies

the wealthy and the wife.

heirs, that

Have put

he might fafely

reft,

his carcafe in a cheft

The

very cheft, in which they fay,

His other felf, his money, lay.

And

To

if his heirs

continue kind

that dear felf he left behind,

I dare believe, that four in five

Will think

his better half alive.

SWIFT.

On

Butler, the Author of Hudibras.

FOR though no monument can claim

be the treafurer of thy name ;

To

That work, which

An
On
HERE

Who

everlafting

ne'er will die, {hall be

monument

Woman who bad

an

to thee.

ijfue in

her

Margaret, otherwife Meg,

died without iflue, fave one in her

leg.

leg.

lieth

Strange

woman was me, and

For whilft one

leg flood

ftill,

exceedingly cunning,
the other kept running.

Author fuppofed

On
HERE

lies

Mills, the

John

Mills,

to

be SHAKSPEARE.

Huntfman.

who

over

Purfued the hounds with hallo

hills
;

The leap though high, from earth

The huntfman we muft follow.

to flcy,

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

314

On

Drs. Walker and Fuller.

Walker wrote on the Englijh particles. This caufed

him to get the very Jbort and pithy epitaph :

HERE

lie

Walker's particles.

the brevity of which was equalled by that on the

famous Dr. Fuller:

HERE

lies

Fuller's earth.

7$i? Epitaph on Beckford, in the

Lanfdowne Cemetery,
near Bath, contains the one fentence which alone in
all his writings feemed to Jhow that he had fame faint
apprehenjion of Divine truth.

by his daughter

Placed on his grave

ETERNAL GOD,
Grant me, through obvious clouds, one

Of thy

bright EfTence in

Prepare

IN every

to

my

tranfient

gleam

dying hour.

meet thy God.

ftage of life

is

given

warning voice ; it comes from heaven.

In childhood's hour it breathes around,

" The

faireft

flowers are faded found."

In youth

it

In age

thunders on the

whifpers as a friend,

" Refleft
upon thy latter end."
In manhood, louder fwells the cry,
"Remember thou art born to die."
it

" O, man

blaft,

thy earthly years are paft."

In joy and grief, in eafe and care,

In every ftage, " Prepare, prepare."

OLD HUMPHREY.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On
HERE

To
Yet

an Undertaker.

Bob Matters

lies

315

was very hard,

it

old honeft Robin's breath

take

away
Robin was

furely

well prepared,
always looking out for death.

For he was

On

full

Peter Cretin.

HERE Aretin interr'd doth lie,

Whofe fatire lafh'd both high and low
His God alone it fpared and why ?

His God, he

On
FROM God

No

faid,

he did not know.

a Mother and her Infants.

God

they came, to

fin they

they

knew, and knew but

And

here they

Who

lived to

went

little

again

pain

by their fond mother's fide,

love and lofe them
then fhe died.
lie,

HARTLEY COLERIDGE.
In Gillingham Churchyard.

TAKE

time in time, while time doth

For time

is

not time,

when

time

is

laft,

paft.

In Pancras Churchyard.

As

am now,

fo

you muft be

Therefore, prepare to follow me.

The Rev. W. Huntington, of S.

S. notoriety, wrote

underneath this anfwer:

To

follow you I'm not intent,

Till I can learn

which way you went.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

316

On
BENEATH

Was fpent
Wake not

in quarrels,
his fpirit

For when he

For

one whofe

and in

from

flept the

On John
TAKE

Man.

a ^uarrelfome

this ftone lies

Do what

ftill

world was

tell

Lockhart, Efq.

time to-day,

'tis

attend delay

what change to-morrow

On Dr.
BENEATH

this

lies

Tom, more merry much

Who

only lived for two great ends,

fpend his cafh, and

than wife

lofe his friends

His darling wife, of him

bereft,

there's nothing left

Is only grieved

brings

Sheridan.

marble ftone there

Poor

To

bleft.

to-day hath eagle's wings

thou canft

For who can

its reft,

time, while time doth ferve

fecret dangers

life

ftrife

SWIFT.

On

Stone that covers the remains of the Father,

Mother, and Brother of Pitt,

late

Earl of Chatham,

written by himjelf.

YE

facred fpirits

Weep
O,

o'er

your

while your friends,

and lament the

afhes,

diftrefs'd,

blefs'd

the penlive mufe infcribe that ftone,

with the general forrows mix her own

let

And
The penfive
Shall raife

Of love,
'Tis

all

mufe, who, from this mournful hour

her voice and wake the firings no more

of duty,

this laft

a brother,

all

pledge receive,
a fon can give.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

HE
He

Francis Beaumont.

and fuch wit,

to hufband it ;

that hath fuch acutenefs,

As would

afk ten

good heads

that can write fo well, that

Refufe

317

no man dare

him beware ;
dead, by whofe fole death

for the beft, let

it

Beaumont

is

Wit's a difeafe confumes

On Thomas

men

in

Churchyard, Laureate

and Henry VIIL, buried

appears,

few years.
BISHOP CORBET.

Henry VII.

to

in St. Margaret's,

Wejlminjier.

COME, Aleclo, and lend me thy torch.

To find a Churchyard in a church-porch y
Poverty and poetry this tomb doth enclofe,
Therefore, gentlemen, be merry in profe.

From

HERE

lies

the great

Cozuley.

Falfe marble,

Nothing but poor and fordid duft

Intended for

THIS

Sheffield raifed.

Was Dryden

once

On

The
the reft

me where ?

here.

by Pope.

facred duft below

who

does not

know

Sir Ifaac Newton.

So happy Newton,

He

Dry den s

tell

lies

in his miftrefs' grace,

fhe fhow'd him all her

For Nature, 'midft the frenzy of her love,
Reveal'd to Newton all her works above.
afk'd a glimpfe

face;

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

318

On Dr.
HERE Dr.
Who's

fill'd

On

WHEN Gay

Fijber.

Fiflier lies interr'd,

the half of this churchyard.

the

Death of Dean Swift.

breathed his

laft,

we

in filence complain'd,

But yet we'd a Pope and a Swift who remain'd ;

Pope falls all Parnaffus refounds with our cries,
!

And

prayers daily made to keep Swift from the Ikies ;

!
vain prayers ! to the winds they are

Vain wifhes

given,

For death conies

At

little

But

its

relentlefs,

and takes him

to heaven.

misfortunes we're foberly fad,

time,

now we've

our wits, to run mad.

loft all

On

Captain Jones, who publijhed fame marvellous accounts of bis travels, the truth of which he thought

proper

to teftify by affidavit.

TREAD

foftly, mortals, o'er the

bones

Of the

Who

world's wonder, Captain Jones

told his glorious deeds to many,

But never was believed by any.

Pofterity, let this fuffice,

He

fwore

all's true,

On John Comb,
TEN

in the

yet here he

of Stratford-on- Avon, notedfor his

wealth and ufury.

hundred

here ingraved,

lies

'Tis a hundred to ten his foul

If any

" Oh

man

afk,

lies.

who

lies

oh !" quoth the

is

in this

devil,

"

not faved.

tomb?
'tis

my John-a-Comb."
SHAKSPEARE.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

319

In Bury St. Edmund's Churchyard.

FOND youth, beware betimes, death flculks behind thee
Remember, as death leaves, the judgment finds thee.

On

Laurence Sterne.

SHALL pride a heap of fculptur'd marble raife,

Some worthlefs, unmourn'd, titled fool to praife

And mall we not by one poor grave-flone learn

Where genius, wit, and humour fleep with Sterne ?
GARRICK.
Poftbumous Fame.

MONSTER, in a courfe of vice grown old,

Leaves to his gaping heir his ill-gain'd gold

Now

breathes his buft,

now

are his virtues

fhown,

Their date commencing with the fculptur'd

If on his fpecious marble we
rely,
Pity a worth like his mould ever die
If credit to his real life we give,
Pity a wretch like

him mould ever

On

live

Cowper.

YE who with warmth the public triumph

Of talents, dignified by facred zeal,
Here,

ftone.

feel

to devotion's bard devoutly juft,

Pay your fond

tribute

due

to

Cowper's

duft,

England, exulting in his fpotlefs fame,

Ranks with her deareft fons his favourite name.
Senfe, fancy, wit, fufEce not

So

all to raife

clear a title to affection's praife.

His higheft honours to the heart belong ;

His virtues form'd the magic of his fong.

HAYLEY.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

320

On
HERE

A
I

lies

little

gold,

now

fancy

who

one

a Mifer.

would not

for med'cines

and

fo his life

he

loft

give

he'd wifti again to live,

Could he but

On
WITHOUT

how much

guefs

his funeral coft.

an unknown Perfon.
for ever fenfelefs,

name,

dumb,

Duft, afhes, naught elfe, lies within this tomb.

Where'er I lived, or died, it matters not :

To whom
I

It's all I

On

related or

was, but

WHO
Death

am

am, and

killed

whom

begot.

more of me

that thou malt be.

all

Member of the
killed

by

not, afk no

Kildare Family, by

Kildare? who dared Kildare

who

Kildare

dare

On John

kill

Dean

Swift.

to kill?

whom

he

will.

So.

So died John So,

50/0 did he/0?

So did he live,

Andy?

did he die!

So fo did hefo,

Andfo

On
WORMS

bait for fifh

Fifh's bait for

a
;

worms

let

him

lie.

Man named Fijh.

but here's a fudden change,
is not that
paffing ftrange \

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

321

Robert Stevens, in Peterborough Cathedral

Graveyard.

YOUTH builds for age age builds for reft,

They who build for heaven build beft.
;

In Wingfeld Churchyard,
POPE boldly

"An
If

honeft man's the nobleft

this aflertion is

One

from error

maxim

odd),

work of God."

clear,

God

of the nobleft works of

On

Suffolk.

(fome think the

aflerts

here.

lies

a Sexton, who received a heavy blow by

the Clapper of a Bell.

HERE

lieth the

Who

lived

body of honeft John Capper,

by the bell, and died by the clapper.
Capper's Reply.

AM

To

not dead, indeed, but have good hope

live

by the

bell

when you

die by the rope.

In Llangerrig Church, Montgomery.

EARTH,

That

earth, obferve this well

earth to earth mall

Then

come

to

dwell

earth in earth mall clofe remain,

Till earth

FROM

from earth mall

earth

But here

my

body

firft

to earth again

I never defire to

have

To

it

plague

me

as

rife again.

it

it

arofe,

goes.

more,

did before.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

322

On Edward Cave, who

originated the

"

Gentleman's

Magazine"

HE

lived a patriarch in his numerous race,

And fhew'd in charity a Chriftian's grace :

Whate'er

a friend or parent feels, he

knew

His hand was open, and his heart was true

In what he gain'd and gave, he taught mankind,
A grateful always is a generous mind.
:

Here

refts his clay

Who

blefs'd

On Madam
GOOD

his foul

muft ever

reft,

when living, dying muft be bleft.

From DR. JOHNSON'S Life of Cave,

people

Lament

Blaize, the glory of her Sex.

all,

for

with one accord,

Madam

Blaize,

Who

never wanted a good word

From thofe who fpoke her praife.

The needy feldom pafs'd

And always found her
She

her door,
kind

freely lent to all the

Who

left

poor
a pledge behind.

She ftrove the neighbourhood to pleafe

With manners wondrous winning ;

And

never follow'd wicked ways

Unlefs

when

ihe

was

finning.

At church, with filks and fatins new,

With hoop of monftrous fize ;
She never flumber'd

in her

pew

But when ihe fhut her eyes.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
Her

love was fought, I do aver,

By twenty beaux and more ;

The king himfelf has follow'd her

When

fhe has walk'd before.

But now, her wealth and

Her hangers-on

The

when

dodlors found,

Her

lalt

diforder

Let us lament

in

finery fled,

cut fhort

all

was dead,

fhe

mortal.

forrow fore

For Kent-ftreet well may fay,

That, had me lived a twelvemonth more,
She had not died to-day.

GOLDSMITH.

On
HERE

lies

Snooks

if

an Editor.

an Editor

you will

In mercy, kind Providence,

Let him lie Ji ill.

He lied for his living fo

He lived, while he lied :
When he could not lie longer,
He lied down, and died.
:

On
HERE,

friend,

Daniel Tears.
is little

Daniel's tomb,

To

Jofeph's age he did arrive :

Sloth killing thoufands in their bloom,

While labour kept poor Dan

Though

Was

alive.

flrange, yet true, full feventy years

his wife

happy

in her Tears.

323

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

324

In Lavenbam Church, Norfolk.

ob.

QUOD fuit efle, quod eft,

Quod non fuit efle, quod
quod non
Quod eft, non

Efle

Thus

On John

Wales,

1694.

efle

efle,
eft, erit, efle.

tranjlated by a Herefordjhire clergyman

ALL

that I really was lies here in duft ;

That which was death before is life, I truft.
To be what is, is not, I ween, to be :

Is not, but will be in eternity.

From Notes and Queries.

On

Duke of Marlborough. From the

Latin of the " Fable of the Bees" by

the celebrated

B. Mandeville,

THE

grateful antients

him

M.D.
a god declared

Who

wifely counfell'd or who bravely warr'd

Hence Greece her Mars and Pallas deify 'd,

Made him

the hero's, her the patriot's guide

Antients, within this urn a mortal

lies

Shew me his peer among your deities.

From the Guide to Blenheim and Woodjlock.
Bobbity John.

UNDER this ftone lies Bobbity John,

Who, when alive, to the world was

And would
Cut

have been

his foul

and

his

fo yet,

wonder

had not Death in

body afunder.

fit

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

325

Gray's Monument in Weftminfter Abbey.

No more the Grecian mufe unrivall'd reigns,

To Britain let the nations homage pay
!

She

boafts a

Homer's

fire in

Milton's ftrains,

Pindar's rapture in the lyre of Gray.

MASON.

On

Captain Underwood, who was drowned;

Churchyard in SuJJex.

in a

HERE lies, free from blood and flaughter,

Once Underwood now Underwater.
Off Archbijhop Laud, beheaded Jan. 1645.

HERE lies, within the compafs of this

A man of boundlefs pride, of meaneft
England's

laft

Primate, whofe unequal

earth,

birth

fate

Made him

the prince's love, the people's hate.

Proteftant in {hew, yet, join'd by art,

An

Englifh headpiece to a

feeming patriot, yet

He was

this

Roman

heart

wonder bred

the Church's, his a traitor's head,

Which being taken off, he thus did die,

The Church's, prince's, people's enemy.
From an old MS. in Sion College Library.

On the Tomb
tion

of T. Maude, author of a poetical defcripof Wenjleydale, in the North Riding

of Yorkjhire.

How

he

who

crowns, in fhades like

youth of labour, with an age of eafe
Sinks to the grave with unperceived decay,
bleft

is

thefe,

While
,

refignation gently dopes the

way.

From GOLDSMITH'S Deferted

Village.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

326

A
WHILST
Both

for

my

On
Hie

in

wars

king and for

In elder years
Soldier to

Soldier's Epitaph.

was young,
it

was

Him who

my

fhed

my

blood,

my

country's good
care to be

Ihed his blood for me.

Fair Rofamund, buried at Godflow, near Oxford,

jacet in

Non

tumba Rofa Mundi, non Rofamunda

redolet, fed olet, quas redolere folet.

Thus imitated

in Englijb

HERE lies, not Rofe the Chafte, but Rofe the Fair
Her fcents no more perfume, but taint the air.

On " Old Dog Tray"

HERE

reft the relics of a friend below,

with more fenfe than half the folks

I know ;
Fond of his eafe, and to no parties prone,
He damn'd no feft, but calmly gnaw'd his bone;

Bleft

Perform'd

Blum,

his functions well in ev'ry

Chriftians, if

way.
you can, and copy Tray.

For Prior's Monument s written by

NOT to bufinefs a drudge, nor to

He ftrove to make intereft and

bimfelf.

faftion a (lave,

freedom agree,

In public employments induftrious and grave,

And alone with his friends, Lord, how merry was he

Now

in equipage irately,

Both fortunes he

now humbly on

tried, but to neither

foot,

would

truft

And whirled in the round as the wheel turned about,

He found riches had wings, and knew man was but
duft.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
Cornijh Epitaphs.
taken from "

book to

327

The following curious

epitaphs are
Week at the Land's End," a guide-

Cornwall :
I.

BELGIUM

my

birth, Britain

my

breeding gave,

Cornwall a wife, ten children, and a grave.

2.

OUR

life is

Some only
Others

The

and away
dinner ftay, and are
breakfaft

oldett only fups

Large

Who

to

but a winter's day

is

his

debt

and goes

who

full fed

to

bed

lingers out the

goes the fooneft has the

leafl to

day;
pay.

3-

HOPE, fear, falfe joy, and trouble,

Are thefe four winds which daily
His breath's
J

a vapour,

and

tofs this

bubble.

his life's a fpan,

Tis glorious mifery to be born a man.

On

a Prizefighter i in Han/lope Churchyard, Bucks.

STRONG and

athletic

was

my

frame,

Far away from home I came,

And manly fought with Simon Byrne,
Alas
but lived not to return.
!

Reader, take warning by my fate.

Unlefs you rue your cafe too late ;
And if you've ever fought before,

Determine now

to fight

no more.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

328

On

Richard Brandon,* the executioner of King

Charles

WHO,
One
The
And

do you think,

I.

lies

that did help to

buried here?

make hemp dear;

pooreft fubjeft did abhor him,

yet his king did kneel before

his matter not
betroy,
Yet he his mafter did deftroy ;

him

And

found

He would

yet no Judas

Judas had

in records

'tis

thirty pence, he thirty pound.f

Infcription in the Parfonage, Bemerton.

To my

SucceJ/br.

IF thou chance to find

new house

And

built

to thy mind
without thy coft,

Be good

to the poor,

As God

gives thee ftore,

And

then

my

labour's not

loft.

G. HERBERT.

On John
HODIE mihi,
To-day

And

fo

Stewart, at Inverness.

eras tibi.

Sic tranfit gloria

mundi.

is mine, to-morrow
yours may be,
doth pafs this world's poor pageantry.

Brandon died in 1649, and was buried in Whitechapel

The burial regifter of St. Mary Mattelon has the
churchyard.
" Buried in the
churchyard, Richard Brandon, a ragman of
entry,

Rofemary Lane."
j-

The

fee (3O/.)

was

faid to

have been paid in crown

From Notes and

pieces.

Queries.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

Alexander the Great.

SUFFICIT huic tumulus, cui non

A mound

of earth

To whom,

alive,

fufficeret orbis.

Alexander now,
a world was mere " bow-wow."
fuffices

REV.

On
BENEATH

God

329

J.

C. NAPLETON.

the Venerable Bede, ob.

735.

this ftone

grant his foul

Bede's mortal body

may

reft

amid the

lies

fides.

May he drink deeply, in the realms above,

Of wifdom's fount, which he on earth did love.
On

O
A

one

who Jlew

BURY not

his

From

Mother.

the dead, but let

him

the Greek.

lie

prey for dogs beneath

Our common mother,

The

hateful

th' unpitying fky

Earth, would grieve to hide

body of the matricide.

HODGSON.

A Punning
Hie

Infcription.

jacet Plus, plus

Plus et non plus,

Here

lies

non

eft

quomodo

More, no more

is

he,

More and no more, how can

Another on More, at

hie,
fie ?

that be

St. Bennet, Paul's

Wharf.

HERE lies one More, and no More than he,

One More and no More ! how can that be ?
Why one More and no More may well lie here alone ;
But here lies one More, and that's More than one.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

330
From
THIS

Thus

On

Plato.

Tea

two neighbouring Tombs.

that a ploughman's

a Tailor's

is

and land abide one

tomb;

common doom.
HODGSON.

In Llanjilantwtbyl Churchyard.
Meredith Morgan,

UNDER

Who

this ftone lies

blew the bellows of our church organ;

Tobacco he hated, to fmoke moft unwilling;

Yet never fo pleafed as when pipes he was filling ;
No reflection on him for rude fpeech could be caft,
Tho' he gave our old organift many a blaft.
No puffer was he,

Tho'

a capital

blower

He could fill double G,

And now lies a note lower.
On

Pearce, the Earl of Suffolk's Fool.

HERE

lies

Men
His

the Earl of Suffolk's Fool,

call

him Dicky Pearce;

make men laugh,

folly ferved to

When

wit and mirth were fcarce.

Poor Dick,

What

alas

Dickys enough

To

is

fignifies to

are

dead and gone,

?

cry
ftill

behind,

laugh at by-and-bye.

DEAN
By an

MY
At

lot

uncertain author.

was meagre

length I died

SWIFT.

From

the Greek.

and fhame,
muft do the fame.

fare, difeafe,

you

all

BLAND.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

From

a murdered Corpfe.

THOUGH

here you laid

my

corpfe,

331

the Greek.

when none were

nigh,

One

favv thee,

murderer

one

all-feeing eye.

HODGSON.

On

From Martial's Epigrams

Glaucus.

NOR

But worthy
Freed

all

The

fair

gifts

Ye who

form, mild manners meet,

Apollo's fcarce a face more

Such

AT

29).

a mailer's love.

but too young to lay to heart

boon or freedom's joys to prove

In him

On J.

(lib. vi.

bafely born, nor bought at mart,

forefhow

life

fair

fhort and fleet,

love fuch for grief prepare.

A. B. ROWAN,

D.D.

Alexander, a pedlar, who died Jan. 5, 1746,

aged 9$ s in Paulerfpury Churchyard.

fourteen years of age in Scotland

was bound

Apprentice for to travel all over Englifh ground;

And Ireland had its mare of my forty years' toil and

And

pain,
here I pitched
I

family

And now

On

my

have enjoy'd

am

ftafF to eafe

my

back again.

forty-one years at leaft,

call'd hence, as God has thought it beft.

Epifletus.

full

From

the Greek of Leonidas.

SLAVE was Epidtetus, who before thee buried lies,

a cripple, and a beggar, and the favourite of the

And

fkies.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

332

On Otbo
BENEATH

Whofe

the Great,

this
lofs

Emperor of Germany,

marble tomb a monarch

a three-fold

972.

lies,

mare of grief muft claim

a ruler brave

Religion's friend

ob.

and wife

His weeping country's higheft joy and fame.

From Readings

On ^ueen

in Biography.

Elizabeth, in the old church of St. Clement,

Eajtc heap, was the following epitaph

SPAIN'S rod, Rome's ruin,

Netherlands' relief,

Heaven's gem, Earth's joy,

World's wonder, Nature's chief,
Britain's bleffing, England's fplendour,

Religion's nurfe, the Faith's defender.

On

the

Duke of Marlborough,

ob.

1722.

IN war's dire chance no fad reverfe he found

Fortune the favourite chief for ever crown'd.

His form here

When
Lo

yields to fate

Mofa, or

when

his

fame mail grow,

kings and bards their afhes round

Ambitious once the hero

That on

The

Ifter ceale to flow.

foul

him

blend,

to befriend,

the Gaulifh tyrant vengeance hurl'd,

of Britain, Europe, and the world.*

* Part of the Latin tranflation of the

epitaph in Weftminfter

Abbey.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

Hipponax, the Verfe-maker.

HIPPONAX

the verfe-fatirift

From

lies

333

Theocritus.

here,

If thou'rt a worthlefs wretch,

approach not near
But if well-bred, and from all evil
pure,

with confidence, and

Sit here

fleep fecure.

FAWKES.

On

Theodore Anthony I, King of Cor/tea.

THE

grave, great teacher, to a level brings

Heroes and beggars, galley-flaves and kings.

But Theodore this moral learn'd ere dead,
Fate poured its leflbn on his living head ;
Beftow'd a kingdom, and denied him bread.

On

Sir Sydney Smith's

Tomb

at Pere la Chaife.

IN warlike France, when great Napoleon rofe,

The man who checked his conquefts finds repofe.

Rambles about Paris.

On
READER,

a Bold Dragoon.

in time prepare to follow

me,

As my

The

route was, fo thine will furely be;

mandate of my God I did obey,

Kings and dragoons when

On

call'd

muft march away.

a Woolcomber, who was banged for jbeep-ftealing.

Tom

BENEATH

Who
The

this gallows lies

Kemp,
lived by wool and died by hemp.
fleece would not fuffice the glutton,

But with

Had
He'd

it

he muft

Iteal

the mutton.

he but work'd, and lived uprighter,

ne'er been

hung

for a flieep-biter.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

334

On

Sir J, Danvers, ob. 1753

in Suthland

Churchyard.

WHEN young I fail'd to India, Eaft and Weft,

But aged, in this port muft lie at reft.
On

a Foot,

HERE

lies

who was Jhot through

poor

Nature

Tommy;

the head in a duel.

at his

end

Thought 'twas but right for once to Hand his friend

For in the {hades below he now can fay,

" At

On

leaft there's

fomething in

my

head to-day."

Madan, D.D., Bijhop of Peterborough,

Spencer

ob.

1813.

IN facred deep the pious bifhop

Say not in death

On

How
How

good man

lies,

never dies.

Laurence Sterne.

often wrongs our nomenclature

our names

'Tis eafy to difcern ;

lies the
quintefTence of wit,

For mirth and humour none more

And yet men call him Stern-e.

On Mr. Death,
DEATH

levels all,

If we are
lies

flain

one, at

kills his

fit,

the AEtor.

both high and low,

Without regard to ftations

Yet why complain
For here

own

from our nature

differ

Here

He

leaft, to

relations.

mow

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

335

S. Foote, the Comedian, ob. 1777, buried in

Weftminjler Abbey,

HERE

one Foote, whofe death may thoufands fave,

For death has now one Foote within the grave.

On

lies

THE

fcene

is

Death's the

On

Abbey Church at Bath.

S>uin, the Attor, in the

changed

laft adl

Little Stephen, a

am no

now

more,

all is o'er.

well-known fiddler in Suffolk.

STEPHEN and Time

Are both now even

Stephen beat Time,

Now Time
On

beats Stephen.

Joe' Miller, the Jefter, ob. 1738, buried in

St.

Clement Danes Churchyard.

IF humour, wit, and honeuy could lave

The humorous, witty, honeft, from the grave,
The grave had not fo foon this tenant found,

Whom

honefty, wit, and

humour crown'd.

Or could efteein and love preferve our breath,

And guard us longer from the ftroke of death;
The ftroke of death on him had later fell,

Whom

all

mankind efteem'd and loved

On
HERE

Who
But

He

lies

Man and

his

Thomas and

fo well.

Wife.
his wife,

led a pretty jarring life,

all is

ended

do you

fee,

holds his tongue, and fo does me.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

336

On John
HERE
As

Wright.

John Wright, as queer

fleeps thefe tombs among,
lies

Who,

ftrange to

tell,

On
HERE

lies

Reader,

On Thomas

if

wight

though always Wright,

in the

Wasfometimes

wrong.

Robefpierre.

let no tear be fhed :

Robefpierre
he had lived, thou hadft been dead.

Hobbes, author

of" Leviathan" and

other

celebrated Works.

HERE lies Tom Hobbes, the bugbear of the nation,

Whofe death hath frighted Atheifm out of fafliion.

On

Man who had been

and

notoriouJJy mtferly

ufurious.

HERE lies old forty-five per cent.

^
The more he got the more he lent,
The more he faved, the more he craved
Great God can fuch a foul be faved ?
;

In Peterborough Churchyard.
pafs on, nor idly wafte your time,
In bad biography, or bitter rhyme ;

READER,

What I am, this cumbrous clay infures,

And what I was is no affair of yours.

On
SINCE
I

an Infant three months

I

am

fo quickly

wonder what

done

was begun

old.

for,
for.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

337

Oa Mr. Gumming.
" GIVE me

To

men," faid Death

"Quick, no humming !"

the beft of

Nature,

She fought the man who lies beneath,

And anfwer'd, " Death, he's Gumming.''

On
BENEATH

a Punfler.

this gravel

and

thefe ftones

Lie poor Jack Tifley's fkin and bones :

His flefh, I oft have heard him fay,
He hoped in time would make good hay.

Quoth

And

I,

How

he replied,

On

"

can that come to pafs ?"

" All

flelh is grafs."

a Puritanical Lockfmitb.

ZEALOUS lockfmith died of late,

And

He

did arrive at heaven's gate

and would not knock,
:

flood without,

Becaufe he meant to pick the lock.

Oft an Epicure.

AT

friends, the feaft of life

length,
I've eat fufficient, I can drink no more

my

is

o'er,

night is come ; I've fpent a jovial day ;

what is to pay ?
'Tis time to part : but oh

My

Lines written in pencil on a

Churchyard, afcribed

BENEATH

The

Tomb
to

in

Byron.

thefe green trees, rifing to the fkies,

planter of them, Ifaac Greentree, lies ;

(hall come when thefe green trees fliall

time

And

Harrow

Ifaac Greentree rife

above them

all.

fall,

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

338

On

To man

a Tailor, named Sbadrach Bodkin.

nor woman, boy nor maid,

Death

ne'er has proved a gaoler

But wouldfl thou know

Why,

reader

'tis

who

when

We

more

eight

fay,

" Here

is laid,

a tailor.

And though with Death 'tis

Deny the truth who can,
If

here

ftrange to jeer,

are buried here

lies

man."

THAT which

a being was, what is it ? {how

That being which it was, it is not now
To be what 'tis, is not to be, you fee
That which now is not, fliall a being be.
:

In a Churchyard

HERE

in Norfolk.

Matthew Mud,
Death did him no hurt ;
When alive he was Mud,
lies

And now

On
HERE

lies,

dead he's but

dirt.

a violent Scold.
return'd to clay,

Mifs Arabella Young ;

Who, on the firft of May,

Began

to

hold her tongue.

In Lymington Churchyard.
LIVE well, die never

Die

well, live for ever.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

a celebrated Cook, who died recently.

PEACE

On
HERE

lies

339

to his haflies.

a Mifers Tomb.

old father Gripe,

who never

'Twould wake him did he know you

cried

"Jam

fatis;"

read his tombftone

gratis.

A Prieft's
THIS be

record

my

Epitaph, by bimfelf.
fober, not auftere,

Churchman, honeft to his Church, lies here

Content to tread where wifer feet have trod,.
He loved eftablifh'd modes of ferving God ;
Preach'd from a pulpit rather than a tub,

And

gave no guinea to a Bible club.

From

On

a Dyer, in Lincoln
Churchyard.

HERE

He
He

the Religio Clerici*

lies

firft

John Hyde ;
and then he died

lived,

And

hopes to

On

live eternally.

a Dujtman.

BENEATH yon humble clod, at

Lies Andrew, who, if not the

Was

died to live, and lived to die,

But not

apt to roam

beft,

man

not the very worft

little rakilh,

reft,

fo now, he's
quite at home,
For Andrew was a duftman.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

34-C

On Dog

Pompey.

HERE Pompey

lies, Pompey of fpotlefs fame,

and Spot became his name ;
he
had,
fpots
Though full of fpots, Spot lived without a fpot:

Yet

Ah

His

who

can trace fuch fpots in

were beauties of

fpots

human

lot

a fpotlefs kind,

Spots without fpots on good Spot traced

Of honeft Spot this truth may be relied,

we

In

he lived and

this fpot, fpotted

Spot

lies

fpotlefs, as

find

died.

On R.
O, ROBBIE BURNS

And
And

Burns, the Poet.

!

the

man,

the brither

Life's dreary

Go

bound

we find anither,
The world around

Like thee, where mail

In

thou gone, and gone for ever ?

haft thou crofs'd that unknown river,

art

to
a'

your fculptured tombs, ye great,

the tinfel tram of ftate !

But by the honeft turf

I'll

wait,

Thou man

And weep

of worth

the fweeteft poet's fate,

E'er lived on earth.

On John Fry, an Undertaken in Stoke Churchyard.

AN undertaker, named John Fry,
Lies here,

who

loft his

breath

Endeavouring, but in vain, to

That overtaker, Death.

fly

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

341

In Chumleigh Churchyard, EJfcx.

MAN

A
A

is

born, alas

and what

is

man

vale of tears, a veflel tun'd with breath,

iicknefs broach'd,

By

On

and then drawn out by death.

George Dixon, a noted Fox-hunter.

STOP, paflenger

That

and thy attention

fix

on

true-born, honeft fox-hunter, George

Who,

Dixon

unwearied chafe,
his bones within this hallow'd
place.

after eighty years'

Now refls
A gentle tribute
And

of duft, a meafured fpan,

fcuttle-full

give

him

as

of applaufe beftow,
you pafs one tally-ho

Early to cover, briflc he rode each morn,

In hopes the brujb his temples might adorn,

The view is now no more, the chafe is

And to an earth poor George is run at
UNDER

this ftone

Lies Mifter

He

paft,
laft.

Bone

lying lived,

and lying died,

For, dying or living, he always

On

lied.

a military Officer s in a Churchyard near Oxford.

BILLETED by death,
I, quarter'd here, lay flain,

And when
I'll rife

the trumpet founds,

and march

again.

In St. Margaret's Churchyard, Rocbejter.

CHRIST'S death

my

life,

So through two deaths

my
I

life

to death

have one

life

was

portal,

immortal.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

34-2

In Hatfield Churchyard, Herts.

THE
And

world's a city full of crooked ftreets;

death the market-place where man man meets.

If death were merchandife that

The

rich

On

would always

live, the

men

could buy,

poor muft

die.

a Captain, who was drowned at Gravefend.

FRIENDS, ceafe to grieve that at Gravefend

My

life

was

clofed with fpeed,

For when the Saviour mall defcend,

'Twill be graves' end, indeed.

On John

Spong, a Carpenter.

WHO

many a fturdy oak hath laid along,

Fell'd by Death's furer hatchet, here lies Spong.
Pofts oft he made, yet ne'er a place could get,

And

lived

by

though he was no wit,

railing,

Old faws he had, although no

And

ftyles corrected,

On

one

antiquarian,
yet was no grammarian.

who

died of the Hyp.

a conduft ftrange and

DEATH, by
Proved here

th' efFeft

Ned met the blow

And died, becaufe
The

new,

and motive too

he meant to
he fear'd to

fly,

die.

Orator's Epitaph.

HERE, reader, turn your weeping eye?,

fate a moral teaches ;

My

The hole in which my body lies

Would not contain one-half my

fpeeches.

LORD BROUGHAM.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

343

Peter Staggs,

now

POOR Peter

refts beneath this rail.

Staggs
loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale ;
For twenty years he did the duties well,

Who

Of oftler,

and waiter

boots,

"Bell."

at the

But Death ftepp'd in, and ordered Peter Staggs

To feed his worms, and leave the farmers' nags.

The

Who

church-clock ftruck one,

figh'd,

" I'm

coming

alas

'twas Peter's knell,

that's the oftler's bell

"
!

PETER PINDAR.

On John

Dove, Innkeeper of Maucbline.

HERE lies Johnny Pidgeon

What was his religion ?

Wha
To

e'er deilres to ken,

fome other warl'

Maun

follow the carl,

For here Johnny Pidgeon had nane

Strong ale was ablution,

Small beer perfecution,

A
But

dram was memento mori:

bowl

a full flowing

Was the faving his foul,

And port was celeftial

glory.

R. BURNS.

On

a Fellow of Trinity College.

HERE

lies

Who

was

Dodtor of Divinity,
Fellow too of Trinity;

He knew
As

as much about Divinity

other fellows do of Trinity.

PORSON.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

344

On Andrew

Turner.

IN fe'enteen hunder an' forty-nine,

Satan took ftuff to mak' a fwine,

And
But

corner

cuift it in a

wilily he changed his plan,

And fhaped
And ca'd

it
it

fomething like a man,

Andrew Turner.

R. BURNS.

On
LIGHT

a Scotch Coxcomb.

on

lay the earth

His chicken heart

But build
His

a caftle

fkull will

Billy's breaft,

fo tender

on

his head,

prop

it

under.

R. BURNS.

On WSTOP, thief! dame Nature cried to Death,

As Willie drew his lateft breath;

You have my

How

fhall I

choiceft

make

model

ta'en

a fool again

R. BURNS.

On

a Dyer.

HERE lies the man who dyed of wool great ftore,

One day he died himfelf, and dyed no more.

On

an Old Maid who dropt ten years of her age.

STIFF ftarch'd virgin of unblemifh'd fame

And
At

fpotlefs virtue, Bridget

length the death of

Aged

juft four

and

fifty

all

Cole by name,

the righteous dies

here (he

lies.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

345

Robert Soutbey, the Poet Laureate.

BENEATH

The

thefe poppies buried deep,

bones of Bob the bard lie hid

Peace to

his

Manes

As foundly

and may he

fleep

as his readers did!

Through every fort of verfe meandering,

Bob went without a hitch or fall,
1

Through

epic, Sapphic, Alexandrine,

To

was no verfe

verfe that

Till fiction having

at all

done enough,

To make a bard at leaft abfurd,

And give his readers quantum faff.
He took to praifing George the Third.
And now, in virtue of his crown,
Dooms us poor Whigs at once to

flaughter

Like Donellan of bad renown,

Poifoning us

all

with laurel-water.*

And

yet at times fome awkward qualms he

Felt about leaving honour's track ;
And though he's got a butt of Malmfey,
It

may not

fave

him from

a fack.

Death, weary of fo dull a writer,

Put to his works a. finis thus
:

Oh may
!

Than

the earth on

him

lie

lighter

did his quartos upon us

T. MOORE.
* Sou
they was Poet Laureate.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

346

On
HERE

an Auflioneer.

the remnant of old Puff,

lies

wight of more than modern

Who,

Could knock down houfes

But Death

With

fluff;

Samfon-like, true heart of oak,

hammer

his fell

On
CEASE

at a ftroke

at laft, in jeering feoff,

his change,

He's only gone from "duft

On Mr.

him

off.

a Coalbeaver.

lament

to

ftruck

ye

juft

to duft."

King, late of Drury-lane.

HERE

lies a crownlefs monarch, though a

King,
Sans lands, fans fubjeds, and fans everything.

On

a Locomotive.
Written by the fole furvivor of a
deplorable accident (no blame to be attached to any

fervants of the company").

COLLISIONS four

Or
The

five

fignals

Grown
Her

And

me

were

bore,
in vain

old and rufted,

biler bufted,

fmafh'd the excurfion train.

" Her end was

pieces."

PUNCH.

On

Woollett, the Engraver.

HERE Woollett

Who

refts,

engraved well

contented to be faved
but

is

not well en-graved.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On
HERE
Then

reft
rife

347

a Handfome Young Lady.

thy duft, and wait th' Almighty's will,

unchanged, and be an angel flill.

From

HERE

lies,

Boileau.

regretted

by us

all,

A fkilful man, of fcience fmall

A gentleman, though not of birth
;

worthy man, though

little

worth.

HUSBAND'S corpfe this tomb contains,

I muft now my time employ

And

In weeping o'er

his fad remains,

With ever ftreaming

On

of joy.

tears

an Irijh Mifer.

HERE crumbling

lies,

beneath this mould,

man, whofe fole delight was gold

Content was never once his gueft,

Though

thrice ten thoufand

fill'd

his cheft;

For he, poor man, with all his ftore,

Died in great want the want of more.

On

a Coroner

HE

who banged

lived

him/elf.

and died

By fuicide.

On Mrs.
HERE lies
Be not

Death's wife

furprifed

Death.

when

this

way next you

mould Death himfelf be dead.

tread,

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

348

On

a Staymaker.

ALIVE, unnumber'd

flays

he made,

He

work'd, induftrious, night and day

E'en dead he ftill purfues his trade,

For here

his bones will

On
HERE

make a Jiay.

a Baker.

Dick, a baker by trade,

lies

Who

was always in bufinefs praifed ;

here fnug he lies, in his oven, 'tis faid,
In hopes that his bread may be raifed.

And

On Mr.

Richard Quick.

QUICK living, and Quick dead lo here lies Dick,

Who was, and is, and ever mall be, Quick.
Nor Quick nor dead, from Death we now can fave,
!

Since Quick and

Dead

On
" FLESH
But,

lie

buried in one grave.

a Sumptuous Liver.

but grafs," the Scripture fays, 'tis true ;

me, worms, I'm more than grafs to you.

is

truft

On

a Cowardly Officer.

READER,

a foldier here lies dead,

Who

from

oft

fields

of battle

fled

And, mould he hear

Though

On
READER

the trumpet's found,

dead, he'll rife and quit the ground.

the Editor of the Wits'

here

Chop-fall'n,

lies

alas

thy

Magazine.

quondam merry

and quite

friend,

at his wits' end.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

349

an old Hawker found dead in the highway.

JOHN SHERRY lies here, whofe fix'd abode

Was nowhere before, for he lived on the road

And when grown in age,

He there laid him down,

and

fell faft

But fome of his friends foon found

And

removed him

hither

fcarce able to creep,

afleep

his

milhap,

to take out his nap.

On Mr. Thomas All

READER, beneath

All

that

All

that

this

marble

lies

was noble, good, and wife

All that once was found on earth,

was of mortal

birth

All that lived above the ground,

May

within

If you have

grave be found.
or great or fmall,

this
loft,

Come

here and weep, for here

Then

fmile at Death, enjoy your mirth,

lies

AIL

Since he has took his All from earth.

On Mr.
HERE

Was

lies

firft

Peck

which fome men

of all a Peck of clay

This, wrought with

Became

Peck.

a curious

{kill

fay,

divine, while

Peck of flem

frefli,

Through various forms its maker ran ;

Then, adding breath, made Peck a man.
Full fixty years Peck felt life's bubbles,
Till Death relieved a Peck of troubles.

Thus

And

fell

poor Peck,

here he

lies

as all things

Peck of

duft.

muft,

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

350

HERE

man who, proud and

refts a

poor,

Knew very little reft before

Of nlifery he bore fuch a pack
;

He'll fcarce petition to come back

Though, fhould he meet fo great a curfe,
The world can hardly ufe him worfe.
;

On

A
A

GENEROUS

a Horfe.

foe, a faithful friend,

hero bold, here met his end :

He conquer'd both in war and peace
By death fubdued, his glories ceafe.

Afk you, who

With

finilh'd

On Mr.
THIS tombftone

is

Becaufe, beneath

here his courfe

much honour ? 'Twas

fo

a horfe.

Miles.

"Hah! howfo?"

a Mileftone.

lies

Miles, who's Miles below.

man he was, a dwarf in fize;

now ftretch'd out, at leaft Miles long he

little

But

lies.

His grave, though fmall, contains a fpace fo wide,

'T has Miles in length and breadth, and room befides.

On
JOHN SPELLMAN'S

He

dyed

The

like will ne'er

for all the

Yet hear with

a Dyer.

patience, if

bafe ingratitude

When Death

be found,

country round

you can,

of man

approach'd, with afpeft grim,

Not one of them would

die for

him

So, leaving

all his

Poor John,

at laft, died for himfelf.

worldly pelf,

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.
On

351

a Naturalijl.

HERE lies a fage, who ftudied Nature's works,

Where beetle, blind-worm, newt, or fcorpion
Through

all their

lurks

various properties and forms,

Moths, butterflies, grubs, caterpillars, worms,

His fancy fed, and gave a rich repaft ;

Lo ye

he's

gone

them

to feed

On

all at laft.

a Pin-maker.

Will Sharplefs, O moft cruel Death !

Why didft thou rob Will Sharplefs of his breath ?
He, in his life-time, fcraping one poor pin,

HERE

lies

Made

better duft than thou canft

On
OUR

life

make of him.

William Churchman.

hangs by a lingle thread,

Which foon is cut, and we are

Then boaft not, reader, of thy
Alive at noon and dead

On W.

dead.

might,

at night.

Weft, Comedian.

To me 'twas given to die to thee

To live alas one moment fets us
;

Mark how

impartial

is

the will of

'tis

given

even,

Heaven.
PRIOR.

Piron wijhed to become a member of the French Academy,

and

failing, revenged himfelf by writing his own

Epitaph, which may be tranjlated thus :

HERE lies
Not even

Piron,

who

held

no portion,

that of an Academician.

MONUMENTAL EPIGRAMS.

35 2

The following Epitaph was written

Stone, clay, duji.
on reading of the death of a Lady wbofe name was
Stone:

CURIOUS enough, we

all

muft fay,

That what was Stone fhould now be clay

Moft curious ftill, to own we muft,
That what was Stone will foon be duft.

FINIS.

CHISWICK PRESS
PRINTED BY WHITTINGHAM AND WILK1NS,
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.
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