12

8 Negative
Attitudes of
Chronically
Unhappy People
8 Negative Thoughts of Chronically
Unhappy People

The mind is its own place, and in

itself can make a heaven of hell, a
hell of heaven.
John Milton, Paradise Lost
Almost all painful feelings have
their source in an incorrect way of
looking at reality. When you uproot
erroneous views, suffering ceases."
The Buddha, as written by
Thich Nhat Hanh

Multiple studies have revealed how

chronic negative attitudes can
adversely affect
oneshealth, happiness and wellbeing (1)(2)(3). Below are eight
common negative thoughts of
unhappy people, excerpted from my
book: "How to Let Go of Negative
Thoughts and Emotions(link is
external).
1.

Self-Defeating Talk

Self-defeating talk are messages

we send to ourselves which reduce
our confidence, diminish our
performance, lower our potential,
and ultimately sabotage our
success. Common self-defeating
talk includes sentence beginnings
such as:
I cant
Im not good enough
Im not confident

All of us experience negative

thoughts from time to time. How we
manage our negative attitudes can
make the difference between
confidence versus fear, hope
versus despair, mastery versus
victimhood, and victory versus
defeat.

I dont have what it takes

Im going to fail
Would you like it if a friend tells you
repeatedly that you cant succeed,
youre not good enough, you lack
confidence, you dont have what it

12
takes, or youre going to fail?
Would you consider this person a
real friend? If not, why would you
want to talk or think this way to
yourself? Engaging in habitual selfdefeating talk is like having a false
friend who puts you down all day
long. You become your worst
enemy and detractor.

as a chance to listen to relaxing

music or practice mindful breathing;
a rainy day as an occasion to curl
up at home with hot cocoa and a
good book; or bill paying as an
opportunity to practice the pay
yourself first wealth building
strategy. Its all in how you choose
to relate to the moment.

2.

3. Negative Comparison with

Others

Negative Assumptions

A prevailing form of negative

thinking is to take stock of a
situation or an interaction, and
presume the negative. For many
people, this looking at the glass
half empty attitude is habitual and
automatic. One might look at a
crowded commute, a rainy day, or
paying the bills as automatic
negative experiences.
Of course, theres nothing
inherently positive or negative
about traffic, weather, or bill paying.
As the saying goes, it is what it is.
Its the way you choose to relate to
your circumstances that makes the
experience positive or negative.
This choice can instantly make you
stronger or weaker, happier or
gloomier, empowered or victimized.
Given the same situations, one
might look at a crowded commute

One of the easiest and most

common ways to feel bad about
oneself is to compare yourself
unfavorably to others. We may be
tempted to compare ourselves with
those who have more
accomplishments, seem more
attractive, make more money, or
boast more Facebookfriends.
When you find yourself wishing to
have what someone else has, and
feel jealous, inferior or inadequate
as the result, youre having a
negative social comparison
moment.
Research indicates that habitual
negative social comparisons can
cause a person to experience
greater stress, anxiety, depression,

12
and make self-defeating choices (4)
(5).
4. Negative Rumination about
the Past
We should learn from the past, but
not be stuck in it. Sometimes life
circumstances and personal
setbacks can haunt and prevent us
from seeing our true potential and
recognizing new opportunities.
What has already happened we
cannot change, but what is yet to
happen we can shape and
influence. At times the first step is
simply to break from the past and
declare that it is you, not your
history, whos in charge. Goethe
reminds us: Nothing is worth more
than this day. Dont dwell on the
past. Make better choices today
and move on.
Abraham Lincoln lost eight
elections, failed twice in business
and suffered a nervous breakdown
before he became the president of
the United States.

Most of us encounter difficult people

in our lives. In the face of such
challenging individuals, its tempting
to believe that they are the
perpetrators and we are the victims,
or that they hold the power with
their challenging behavior. Such
attitudes, even if justified, are
reactive and thus self-weakening.
The key to changing your
disempowering beliefs about
difficult people is to shift from being
reactive to proactive. Whether
youre dealing with a narcissist,
a passive-aggressive, a
manipulator, or an intimidating and
controlling oppressor, there are
many skills and strategies you can
utilize to stay on top of the situation.
For more on this topic, see my
books: How to Communicate
Effectively and Handle Difficult
People(link is external), and How
to Successfully Handle PassiveAggressive People(link is external).

6.

The Desire to Blame

Wall Street Journal

5. Disempowering Beliefs about

Difficult People

Blame can be defined as holding

others responsible for our
misfortunes. Some people cast their
dysfunctional parents, negative
relationships, socio-economic
disadvantages, health challenges,

12
or other life hardships as the reason
for their unhappiness and lack of
success.

"When we blame, we give away our

power."
Greg Anderson

While its certainly true that life

presents many difficulties, and
undeniable the pain and suffering
they often cause, to blame others
as the reason for ones
unhappiness is to cast oneself in
the role of the victim.
There are illusory advantages to
victimhood, as finger-pointing
provides convenient justification for
lifes unsatisfactory conditions, and
sheds the work necessary to take
complete charge of ones own life
and well-being.
However, habitual blaming over
time perpetuates bitterness,
resentment, and powerlessness, as
the victim suffers from what H.D.
Thoreau calls quiet desperation.
Often, those who are the target of
your blame have little idea (or could
care less) about how you really feel.
You only hurt yourself by being a
prisoner of your own bitterness and
resentment. Your feelings may be
justified, but they will not help you
become happy, healthy, and
successful. Ultimately, isnt that
what you really want?

7. The Struggle
to Forgive Yourself
All of us make mistakes in life.
When you look back at your past
deeds, perhaps there were
decisions and actions you regret.
There may have been unfortunate
errors in judgment. You may have
caused harm to yourself and/or
others.
As you recall these past events,
there may be an accompanying
sense of self-blame at the blunders
made, damage done, or
opportunities missed. You might
think of yourself as a bad or
flawed person and wallow in guilt.
During these moments, its
extremely important to be
compassionate with yourself,
knowing that now that youre more
aware, you have a chance to avoid
repeating past mistakes, and to
make a positive difference with
yourself and others.
Forgive yourself. Everyone makes
mistakes and mistakes aren't

12
permanent reflections on you as a
person. They're isolated moments
in time. Tell yourself, "I made a
mistake, but that doesn't make me
a bad person."

appear to be perfect, but the costs

of such deceptions are highHow
can you like yourself when you
dont measure up to the way you
ought to be?

Mayo Clinic

R. Adler and R. Proctor II

8. The Fear of Failure and

Making Mistakes
The fear of failure and making
mistakes are often associated
with perfectionism (at least in
certain areas of your life). You may
think that youre not good enough in
some ways, thereby placing
tremendous pressure on yourself to
succeed.
While setting high standards can
serve as an effective motivational
tool, expecting yourself to be
perfect takes the joy out of life, and
can actually limit your greatest
potential for success. Multiple
studies have shown the correlation
between perfectionism and
unhappiness (6)(7). Try as we
might, it simply isnt human to be
perfect, and certainly not all of the
time.
Given the desire to be valued and
appreciated, its tempting to try to

7 Keys to LongTerm Relationship

Success
7 keys to making your love last
Author's Note: The post below is
excerpted from the reference guide
(click on title): "Seven Keys to
Long-Term Relationship
Success(link is external)."

12
dependable? Can you count on
your partner as the rock in your
life? What about you for your
partner?
For some, trust is a complicated
matter. Some people trust blindly,
while others have trust issues.
Evaluate your partners
trustworthiness based not upon
unproven promises or wishful
thinking, but on a strong overall
record of dependability.

Source: Google Images

Most of us want to meet and settle

down with the right person, and
most of us want such a relationship
to last. Yet 53% of marriages in the
U.S., 48% in Canada, 47% in the
U.K., and 43% in Australia end
in divorce. What are some of the
most important ideas when it comes
to making your love last? Below are
seven keys to long-term
relationship success.
1. Do You Trust Your Partner?
Trust is the first and perhaps most
important predictor of long-term
relational success. Without trust,
none of the other six keys that
follow will have much meaning. Ask
yourself the following questions: In
general, is your partner reliable and

2. Are You and Your Partner

Compatible in the Dimensions of
Intimacy?
Authors Ronald Adler and Russell
Proctor II identified four ways with
which we can feel closely
connected with our significant other.
The four dimensions of intimacy
are: Physical, Emotional,
Intellectual, and Shared Activates.
Heres a quick exercise to check
you and your partner's compatibility
in intimacy. List the four dimensions
as follows:

____________________________
Partner A
Partner B
Physical
Emotional
Intellectual
Shared Activities
____________________________
Next to each dimension, rank
whether this is a Must have,
Should have, or Could have for
you in your romantic relationship.

12
After answering for yourself, next
ask your partner to rank, or on your
own put down how you think your
partner would prioritize. The more
must-must and must-should
combinations between you and
your partner, the greater the
possibility of an intimate
relationship. Since relationships are
not static, a couple may evolve in
the dimensions of
intimacy.Understanding one
anothers priorities, and connecting
in ways that are important to both
partners help ensure long-term
relational success.
3. What Type of Person Shows
Up Within You in this
Relationship?
Consider the friends in your life. Do
different friends bring out different
sides of you? Maybe youre more
reserved with one and more
rambunctious with another. Perhaps
youre patient with some and
quarrel with others. A friend may
trigger your higher or lower
tendencies.
Just as a friend can elicit a
particular side of you, so does your
partner. Consider the following
questions: Does my better self
show up when Im with my partner?
Does my worse self show up when
Im with my partner? Perhaps its a
combination of both? If so, what
situations tend to bring out a
particular side of me?
Fundamentally, do I like myself in
this relationship?
Your honest answers to these
questions offer important clues to

the longterm health andhappiness of your

relationship.
For more on emotional health in
relationships, see my publication
(click on title): How to Let Go of
Negative Thoughts & Emotions A
Practical Guide(link is external)."
4. Does Your Partners
Communication Lift You Up or
Bring You Down?
Dr. John Gottman of the University
of Washington, a foremost expert
on couple studies, concluded after
over twenty years of research that
the single, best predictor of divorce
is when one or both partners show
contempt in the relationship.
Contempt, the opposite of respect,
is often expressed via negative
judgment, criticism, or sarcasm
regarding the worth of an individual.
In communication studies, this is
known as being tough on the
person, soft on the issue. An
effective communicator knows how
to separate the person from the
issue (or behavior), and be soft on
the person and firm on the issue. An
ineffective communicator will do the
opposite he or she will literally
get personal by attacking the
person, while minimizing or ignoring
the issue.
Ask yourself the following: Does
your partners communication lift
you up, or bring you down? Is your
partners communication with you
soft on the person, firm on the
issue, or the other way around?
What about your communication
with your partner?

12
If your relationship suffers from
ineffective communication, the good
news is that as long as you and
your partner are willing,
improvements can be learned
quickly and put to use immediately.
For more resources on this topic,
click on titles & download free
excerpts of my publications (click
on title): "How to Communicate
Effectively and Handle Difficult
People(link is external)," "How to
Successfully Handle PassiveAggressive People(link is external),"
and "Communication Success with
Four Personality Types(link is
external)."
5. How do You and Your Partner
Deal with Conflict in the
Relationship?
Couples with poor conflict
resolution skills typically engage in
Fight, Flight, or Freeze behaviors.
They fight and stay mad,
sometimes holding grudges for
years. They flight and avoid
important issues by sweeping them
under the rug. Or, after endless
arguments with no resolution in
sight, they freeze emotionally and
shut down. Someone who freezes
in a relationship typically goes
through the motions on the outside,
but has stopped caring on the
inside.
Successful couples have the ability
to solve problems and let it go.
They focus on taking care of the
issue rather than attacking the
person. Even when angry, they find
ways to be upset and stay close at
the same time. Once the matter is

resolved, they forgive and forget.

Most importantly, successful
couples have the ability to learn and
grow through their interpersonal
difficulties. Like fine wine, their
relationship improves with age and
gets better over time.
6. How do You and Your Partner
Handle External Adversity and
Crisis Together?
One of the traits of highly
successful and enduring
relationships is the partners ability
to stand together in the face of
external challenges. A true test of a
relationship is whether two people
have each others back when times
are tough.
Consider these questions: Do
external adversity and crisis bring
you and your partner closer
together, or pull you farther apart?
In difficult life circumstances, do you
and your partner act like adults or
children? Can you and your partner
share the bad times, or only enjoy
the good times? As Adler and
Proctor II state, Companions who
have endured physical challenges
together form a bond that can last
a lifetime.
7. Do You Have Compatible
Financial Values?
Numerous studies have identified
disagreements over finances as
one of the top reasons couples
seek marital counseling, as well as
one of the top reasons for divorce.
According to Jeffrey Dew of the
National Marriage Project, Couples
who reported disagreeing about

12
finances once a week were over 30
percent more likely to divorce over
time than couples who reported
disagreeing about finances a few
times per month.
Differences in financial values often
appear early in a relationship. For
example, who pays for the first
date? What about the second date?
And the third? Is your partner happy
when you give a thoughtful but nonmonetary birthday gift, or will he or
she feel disappointed because you
didn't purchase something?
Additional questions to consider
include: Is your partner generally
happy with what he or she owns, or
is there a constant, insatiable desire
to always acquire more? Are you
and your partner able to solve
financial difficulties and differences
as a team?
Formulating with your partner a
viable financial plan, paying
attention to patterns of financial
discontent, initiating conversations
early to resolve differences, and
seeking financial or couples
counseling when needed are some
of the keys to maintaining financial
peace.
For more on the secrets of wealth
building, see my publication (click
on title) "Wealth Building Attitudes,
Values, and Habits(link is external)."
In closing, whether youre
single, dating, or in a committed
relationship, these seven keys to
long-term relationship success may
serve as a check-up of your
relational health and well-being.
With self-honesty, openness, and a
desire to grow, you can significantly

increase the possibility of not only

having a wonderful partner in life,
but making the love last. To grow
old with your life mate, knowing that
in each others warm embrace you
have found Home.

10 Signs Your CoWorker /

Colleague is a
Narcissist
Narcissism in the workplace
Its not easy being superior to
everyone I know!

12
Anonymous narcissist
The Mayo Clinic research group
definesnarcissistic personality
disorder as a mental disorder in
which people have an inflated
sense of their own importance and
a deep need for admiration. Those
with narcissistic personality
disorder believe that they're
superior to others and have little
regard for other people's feelings.
But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile selfesteem, vulnerable to the slightest
criticism.
At the workplace, a
pathologically narcissistic co-worker
can be annoying and frustrating at
best, and a serious threat to your
career at worst. Below are ten signs
that your colleague might be a
narcissist, with excerpts from my
book (click on cover) How to
Successfully Handle Narcissists(link
is external). While some people
might show these tendencies from
time to time, especially in highpressure and competitive situations,
a pathological narcissist tends to
perpetually dwell in several of the
following personas, even when the
work environment is relatively calm
and cordial.

1. Conversation Hoarder and

Interrupter
Thats enough of me talking about
myself - lets hear you talk about
me!
Anonymous narcissist
Most narcissists are highly
conceited and enjoy talking about
his or her projects,
accomplishments, or personal life
incessantly, as if what they do is the
most interesting thing in the world.
They show little interest
and empathy in you. When you do
talk about you own opinions and
endeavors, the narcissist may
quickly change the focus back to
himself. Many narcissists enjoy
hearing themselves speak.

2. Name and Status Dropper

In addition to taking over
conversations, some narcissists
also have the habit of name and
status dropping. They like to remind
people of the important degree they
possess, prestigious school they
went to, exclusive groups theyre a
part of, VIPs they mingle with, highprofile projects theyre working on,
and glowing praise they received

12
from someone. They want to
constantly appear important, with a
blown-up and exaggerated sense of
themselves.

3. Spotlight Hogger
Many narcissists love to be the
center of attention, and do so by
dominating meetings,
presentations, phone conferences,
and email discussions. At these
proceedings, they often like to
remind people of their
accomplishments, and why their
ideas and proposals deserve
special consideration. Some
narcissists will also take these
opportunities to be disruptive and
put others down (more on this
below). They like to make
themselves as powerful and
influential as possible.

4. Steal or Take Disproportional

Credit
Some narcissists are notorious for
pilfering their colleagues ideas and
hard work, and either claim
disproportional credit, or steal the
recognition outright. A common
complaint I hear from my

private coaching clients is: I spent

months working on this project, but
my colleague grabbed a chance to
present my ideas to
upper management. Now everyone
thinks hes the project leader.
In team situations, a narcissist often
does not work as hard as others, or
is not a key participant, but fights to
have her name appear on top of the
contributors list.

5. Charming and Persuasive, but

No Follow Through
Many narcissists
are charismatic salespeople, even if
they dont work in sales. They have
the ability to charm and create
favorable impressions (at least
initially), persuade others to believe
in their ideas, and manipulate
people to get what they want.
However, many narcissists lack true
substance. More often than not their
grandiose ideas become broken
promises, unmet expectations,
missed deadlines, overspent
budgets, and disappointing failures.
Some clever narcissists will profess
to have learned valuable lessons, in
order to con and manipulate you to
support his next unrealistic scheme.

12
6. Break Rules and Social Norms
Many narcissists believe that
theyre entitled and special, and
thus beyond precept. Theyre prone
to taking short cuts and taking large
or small advantages of people and
the system. This can range from
stealing office supplies and
falsifying reports, to concocting
unethical business schemes and
committing egregious white collar
crimes. Many narcissists think that
they are above the law, and should
be exceptions to the rules.

7. Sensitive to Criticism. Blame

Others for Failings
Classic to the character style, a
pathological narcissist is highly
adverse to criticism. Negative
feedback, even when reasonable
and justified, threatens the
narcissists fragile sense of an
idealized self, and risks triggering
his or her narcissistic injury.
Common responses to criticism
include anger, pretend indifference,
and excuses. In addition, many
narcissists are highly adept at
blaming others for their own
shortcomings. Its always someone
elses fault.

Its your fault that I forgot because you didnt remind me!
Anonymous narcissist

8. Passive-Aggressive Tendencie
s
Narcissistic passive-aggressive
traits at the workplace may include
negative gossip, sarcasm, veiled
hostile joking (often followed by
"just kidding"), professional and
social exclusion, backstabbing, two
faced, procrastination, stonewalling,
forgetting, denying personal
responsibility, victimhood, and
deliberate weakness to elicit
sympathy and favor. These passiveaggressive behaviors are often
intended to prop oneself up, put
others down, and get away with as
much as possible.

9. Superior/Inferior Orientation
Many narcissists are unable to
relate to individuals as equals. They
either take an inferior position and
defer to you, or a superior position
and presume that theyre in some

12
ways better than you. For them,
both the superior and inferior
postures are calculated to sway you
to give them what they want such
is the purpose of relationships to
them. They lack the empathy and
humanity to treat people simply as
equitable human beings.

10. Negative and Toxic Emotions

Many narcissists enjoy spreading
and arousing negative emotions to
gain attention, feel powerful, and
keep you insecure and off-balance.
They are easily upset at any real or
perceived slights or inattentiveness.
They may throw a tantrum if you
disagree with their views, or fail to
meet their expectations. Narcissists
are often quick to judge, criticize,
and ridicule. Some narcissists are
emotionally abusive. By making you
feel inferior, they boost their fragile
ego, and feel better about
themselves.
Some people try to be tall by
cutting off the heads of others.
Paramhansa Yogananda

12

3 Major Warning
Signs of
Relationship
Trouble
3 Warning Signs of a Relationship
in TroubleResearch Based
Most of us want to meet and settle
down with the right person, and
most of us want such a relationship
to last. Yet 53% of marriages in the
U.S., 48% in Canada, 47% in the
U.K., and 43% in Australia end
in divorce (1). What are some of the
major warning signs of a
relationship in trouble? There are a
multitude of clues. This article will
selectively focus on three key
indicators, including the top two
reasons for divorce (2):
1. Contemptuous
Communication
Dr. John Gottman of the University
of Washington, a foremost expert
on couple studies, concluded after
over twenty years of research that
the single, best predictor of divorce
is when one or both partners show
contempt in the relationship (3)(4).

Contempt, the opposite of respect,

is often expressed via negative
judgment, criticism, or sarcasm
regarding the worth of an individual.
Here are four common
characteristics of contemptuous
communication:
You Language Plus Directives
Contemptuous communication is
often characterized by the use of
certain types of you sentences.
Directives are statements that either
pass negative judgment, or order
another person around. Examples
include: You are not good
enough. . ., You should pay
attention. . ., You need to do this
now. . ., You have to understand
my position. . ., You better get it
right. . .
Universal Statements
Universal statements are
expressions that generalize a
persons character or behavior in a
negative way. The two most
common types of universal
statements involve the use of
always and never in the
negative. For example: You
always leave the toilet seat up!
You never listen to me! Universal
statements tend to point out what

12
is wrong, instead of how to be
better, and discourages change.
Tough on the Person, Soft on the
Issue
Youre so stupid and lazy!
Anonymous partner
In every communication situation
involving another person, there are
two elements present: the person
you are relating to, and the issue or
behavior you are addressing.
Effective communicators know how
to separate the issue or the
behavior from the person, and be
soft on the person and firm on the
issue. Contemptuous
communicators will do the opposite.
They literally get personal by
being tough on the person, while
minimizing or ignoring the issue or
the behavior.
Invalidate Feelings
Invalidation of feelings occurs when
we recognize emotions, positive or
negative, coming out of a person,
and either discount, belittle,
minimize, ignore or negatively judge
these feelings. For example: Your
concerns are meaningless to me!
Your complaints are totally
unfounded. Youre blowing things
way out of proportion. When we

invalidate another persons feelings,

we are likely to cause anger, hurt,
and instant resentment. It is one of
the main reasons why fall outs
occur in intimate relationships.
If your relationship suffers from
ineffective communication, the good
news is that as long as you and
your partner are willing,
improvements can be learned
quickly and put to use immediately.
For tips on this topic, see my book
(click on title): "How to
Communicate Effectively and
Handle Difficult People(link is
external)."

2. Incompatible Financial Values

Numerous studies have identified
disagreements over finances as
one of the top reasons couples
seek marital counseling, as well as
one of the top reasons for divorce.
According to Jeffrey Dew of the
National Marriage Project (5),
Couples who reported disagreeing
about finances once a week were
over 30 percent more likely to
divorce over time than couples who
reported disagreeing about finances
a few times per month. The
accumulation of consumer debt, as
well as one or both partners

12
tendency towards materialism are
also key factors increasing the
likelihood of divorce.
Married couples dont have to be
facing poverty or a job loss for
nancial issues to impact their
marriage. Rather, decisions like
whether to make a major purchase
using consumer credit or how much
of a paycheck to put into savings
can have substantial consequences
for the short-term and longterm health of a marriage.
Jeffrey Dew

3. Narcissism and Sexual

Narcissism
The Mayo Clinic research group
defines narcissistic personality
disorder as a mental disorder in
which people have an inflated
sense of their own importance and
a deep need for admiration." More
specifically, sexual narcissism can
be defined as a grandiose sense of
ones sexual prowess which, in the
mind of the sexual narcissist,
entitles him or her to engage in acts
of emotional and physical
manipulation at the partners
expense. Both narcissism and
sexual narcissism are marked by a

lack of true intimacy in the

relationship (4)(5).
Signs of narcissism may include
(and are not limited to) superiority
complex, conceit, frequent violation
of boundaries, using others to serve
ones own needs, irresponsibility,
rule breaking, extreme selfishness,
and contempt towards others.
Signs of sexual narcissism may
include (and are not limited to)
selfish gratification without
consideration for the
partner, sex without intimacy,
frequent criticisms, unreasonable
demands, and physical or
emotional abuse.
Studies reveal a correlation
between narcissistic personality
disorder and domestic abuse (6)(7).
In particular, sexual narcissism has
been linked to:
Infidelity In a recent study,
participants rated higher for sexual
narcissism are also more likely to
engage in acts of infidelity (8)(9).
Domestic Violence Research
also indicates that theres a link
between male sexual narcissism
and domestic violence (10)(11).

12
Sexual Addiction One study
suggests that sexual addiction is a
reflection of sexual narcissism
(12).

12

10 Tips to Change
From Reactive to
Proactive in
Situations
10 Ways to Be Less Reactive in
Difficult Situations
All of us encounter experiences in
life when we may be temporally
overwhelmed by a negative
emotion, be it anger, pressure,
nervousness, despair, or confusion.
In these situations, how we choose
to master the moment can make
the difference between proactive
versus reactive, confident versus
insecurity, and success versus
failure.
Below are ten ways to be less
reactive in difficult situations, with
excerpts from my book How to Let
Go of Negative Thoughts and
Emotions(link is external). What all
of these tips have in common is that
they introduce a positive
interruption to a negative mental or
emotional state. These mindful
interjections, however brief or long,
provide a psychological opening
from which you can recalibrate and
choose more empowering action.

Not all of these tips may apply to

your particular situation. Simply use
what works and discard the rest.
1. If you feel angry and upset
with someone, before you say or
do something you might later regret,
take a deep breath and count slowly
to ten. In most circumstances, by
the time you reach ten, you would
have figured out a better way of
communicating the issue, so that
you can reduce, instead of escalate
the problem. If you're still upset
after counting to ten, take a time out
if possible, and revisit the issue
after you calm down.

2. When you feel adversely

about someones behavior
towards you, avoid jumping to a
negative conclusion right away.
Instead, come up with multiple
ways of viewing the situation before
reacting. For example, I may be
tempted to think my friend didnt
return my call because shes
ignoring me, or I can consider the
possibility that shes been very
busy. When we avoid personalizing
other people's behaviors, we can
view their expressions more
objectively, and reduce the
possibility of misunderstanding (1).

12

3. If youre dealing with a

difficult individual, try to put
yourself in the challenging persons
shoes, even for just a moment, and
complete the sentence: It must not
be easy For example:
My child is being so resistant. It
must not be easy to deal with his
school and social pressures
My supervisor is really demanding.
It must not be easy to have such
high expectations placed on her
performance by uppermanagement
To be sure, empathetic statements
do not excuse unacceptable
behavior. The point is to remind
yourself that people do what they
do because of their own issues. As
long as were being reasonable and
considerate, difficult behaviors from
others say a lot more about them
than they do about us.
For more tips on how to deal with
difficult people, see my books How
to Communicate Effectively and
Handle Difficult People(link is
external), and How to Successfully
Handle Passive-Aggressive
People(link is external).

4. When someones pressuring

you to make a decision youre not
sure about, simply buy time and
say: Ill think about it. This phrase
can instantly lift the psychological
pressure, and put you in greater
control of the situation. Whether its
an acquaintance asking for a favor,
a romantic interest pursuing a date,
or intense sales pressure, take the
time you need to evaluate the pros
and cons of the situation, and
consider whether you want to
negotiate a different arrangement,
or if youre better off by saying no.

5. If you feel nervous and

anxious, put cold water on your
face, which triggers the mammalian
diving reflex and immediately slows
the heart rate between ten to
twenty-five percent. It's also helpful
to get fresh air and take deep
breaths from the diaphragm. (2)(3).

6. When you feel under stress,

have a hot cup of decaffeinated
green tea. Research shows that
green tea contains the amino acid
theanine, which helps reduce
stress. Holding the warm beverage

12
cup in your hand can elevate your
mood as well. Avoid caffeinated
beverages which can stimulate your
nervousness (4)(5).

7. If you feel fearful or

discouraged, try intense aerobic
exercises. Energize yourself. The
way we use our body affects greatly
how we feel. As the saying goes motion dictates emotion. As you
experience the vitality of your body,
your confidence will also grow (6)
(7).

8. When you find yourself

obsessing in a way you know its
not good for you, whether its
oversensitivity, unnecessary
anxiety, or unhealthy rumination,
use a technique developed by
psychologist Eric Maisel and say to
yourself: Im not tripping over this!
Distract yourself with constructive
activities to avoid being stuck. Ask
for feedback from trusted peers and
credible advisors to maintain
objectivity (8).

9. If you feel overwhelmed,

confused, or uninspired, go

into nature and surround yourself in

colors of green and blue, which
have a calming effect (9)(10). Find
a panoramic view and look out into
the distance. Walk. Take deep
breaths. Immerse yourself in
natures splendor. Come back with
a fresh perspective and new
inspiration.

10. When you go through

setbacks and failures, ask: What
is the lesson here? How can I
learn from this experience? What
is most important now? and If I
think outside the box, what are
some better answers? The higher
the quality of questions we ask, the
better the quality of answers we will
receive. Ask constructive questions
based on learning and priorities,
and we can gain the proper
perspective to help us tackle the
situation at hand.
I am not discouraged, because
every wrong attempt discarded is
another step forward.
Thomas A. Edison
Abraham Lincoln lost eight
elections, failed twice in business
and suffered a nervous breakdown

12
before he became the president of
the United States.
Wall Street Journal

12

When Partners
Cheat: Who
Deserves Second
Chances?
Is forgiveness always the right thing
to do?
Let me begin with a disclaimer:
What you are about to read is not
an analysis or diagnosis of any
specific celebrity couple's marital
problems. Nor advice about how
they should deal with them. But with
all the recent publicity about Tiger
Woods and his allegedly sixteen
affairs, and now actress Sandra
Bullock's reported multiple betrayal
by her husband, Jesse James, the
question many are asking is
whether a cheating spouse
deserves a second chance? When
it comes to giving the straying
offender a second (or third or
fourth) pardon, where does one
draw the line?
The biggest problem with cheating
on a spouse or significant other is
not necessarily the sexual liaison
itself, but rather the betrayal of trust
it causes. This painful rupture of
trust in many cases proves too

much to get past. But in others, the

partners, when willing and
motivated, can sometimes work
through this trauma together and
salvage their marriage. More often
than not, this salvation requires the
expertise of a psychotherapist or
marital counselor. Seeing a marital
therapist or psychologist conjointly
is certainly no guarantee of
successfully saving the relationship.
But, when properly approached, this
therapeutic process can help heal
the wounds, defuse the anger,
foster better communication, and
repair the breach of trust the
offending partner's behavior has
caused. Of course, much of this
depends on how committed to
rescuing the relationship both
parties really still are, how much
history they have together, whether
children are involved, and other
variables.
One of the greatest obstacles to
working through this sort of dicey
situation is the hurt, anger and
resentment felt by the betrayed
partner. These feelings, whatever
their roots, need to be openly
acknowledged and constructively
expressed. Another is the inability to
trust the betrayer, who has typically
connived, lied, manipulated,
covered up and otherwise deceived
and made a fool of his or her

12
partner. Trust is the glue that holds
a relationship together. Love alone
is not enough. Commitment is all
about trust: making a promise, a
pledge, a choice to say yes to this
person and no to any others, and
then consistently keeping that
promise. Once that pledge to
commitment is broken, all bets are
off. The fragile and sacred container
or frame of the relationship has
been violated. Trust has been
broken. And broken trust is one of
the most difficult dynamics to
restore in relationships. Without
trust, intimacy suffers. When
emotional intimacy dries up, so
does sexual intimacy. Defensive
walls go up. Communication breaks
down. Distance replaces closeness.
Resentment festers. Hostility kills
kindness and caring. The
atmosphere turns toxic. And
relationships slowly disintegrate
and die.
Is it true that having an affair can be
symptomatic of pre-existing
relationship problems? Absolutely.
Lack of or poor communication,
loss of intimacy, hurt feelings,
festering resentment
or embitterment frequently lead to
acting out in the form of cheating
behavior. In this sense, an affair can
be a wake up call to both parties
that they have neglected to

maintain the health and integrity of

their relationship, and need to do so
if the union is to be preserved and
thrive. Cheating can often be
understood as an indirect
communication behavior, signaling
chronic dissatisfaction, anger or
frustration with the partner's
behavior, attitude or quality of the
relationship. Addressing the
underlying problems in the
relationship in the aftermath of the
betrayal can, in some cases, serve
to improve communication and
strengthen the partnership in the
long run. But first the trust that was
broken must be re-established, a
delicate process that requires effort,
time, motivation and total
commitment.
If the philanderer is a first time or
one-time offender, I would say that
the prognosis for working things
through is somewhat more positive.
In order for this to happen, however,
the exposed cheater must come
completely clean with what
happened, take full responsibility for
it, and be prepared to beg the
partner's forgiveness for his or her
devastating misstep. Any preexisting problems in the relationship
prior to the affair (and obviously, an
ongoing affair is typically much
more damaging than a one-nightstand) or indiscretion should be

12
systematically addressed and
resolved. Communication skills
must be evaluated, improved, and
regularly practiced between the
couple with a therapist's assistance.
And, perhaps the hardest part, trust
must be rebuilt. Trust cannot--and
should not-- just be freely given
again. Not after what happened.
Trust now has become a privilege,
not a right. Trust must be earned,
gradually re-established by
offenders consistently following
through faithfully on whatever they
say they are going to do--or not do.
There is no real wiggle room here.
Zero-tolerance. It should be the
injured or betrayed party that
dictates what will be required for
him or her to ever fully trust the
offender again. And whatever they
say it will take, within reason, is
what the offender must be willing to
commit to providing unconditionally.
And deliver, consistently,
willingly and unequivocally.
Ultimately, the victimized or
offended party will have to reach a
point (frequently requiring individual
therapy in addition to couples
counseling) where they can get
past their hurt, humiliation and
anger to a place of forgiveness and
compassion. And find the courage
to trust again. We all make
mistakes. Humans are imperfect
beings. But we can also learn from

our mistakes, so as to avoid

repeating them.
But what of repeat offenders? Here
the prognosis gets poorer. Once
can be considered a slip up. An
aberration. Twice or more is a
pattern. Why should the serial
cheater be forgiven or provided a
third, fourth or fifth chance? Of
course, this is for the person who
was betrayed to decide. Some see
their own unequivocal commitment
to the relationship and love for the
offending partner as reasons for
either overlooking such bad
behavior or for giving them
repeated chances to change. This
can become a kind of codependency, unintentionally
enabling and perpetuating the
problem. As with domestic violence,
the victim may be bamboozled and
confused by the offender's apparent
heartfelt contrition and
proclamations of love and
dedication. Or they come to see the
offending partner as suffering from
some mental disorder or substance
or sexual addiction that both
compels and excuses their abusive
behavior. In certain cases, say of
severe bipolar disorder, substance
abuse or compulsive sexual
behavior, it may make sense to
compassionately support and stand
by the offender during his or her

12
treatment or rehabilitation. After all,
that is part of what true commitment
is all about: In sickness and in
health. Till death do us part. But the
key is that commitment is a two way
street. Both parties must be equally
committed to the relationship and to
monogamy, if that is what is
promised and expected.
Commitment is an existential
choice. A choice one reaffirms each
and every day. One chooses not to
cheat not necessarily because one
doesn't desire to. But because one
chooses to honor one's
commitment and because one
cares about and values the
relationship with the partner so
highly that taking the risk of
threatening, damaging or losing that
relationship and deeply wounding
the partner is completely
unacceptable.
Are there fundamental differences
between women's infidelities and
men's? Yes and no. Both are
betrayals. And both damage
whatever level of trust had been
built up to that point in the
relationship. But sex for women has
different psychological and
biological significance than sex for
men. Generally, men tend to be
more able to dissociate their
emotions from casual sexual
behavior with other women,

whereas women tend to become

more emotionally involved and
attached. This is just one of the
innate psychobiological differences
between the sexes. Women seem
to recognize this gender difference,
often citing it to rationalize
forgiveness and reconciliation. But,
apart from gender, cheating on
one's partner is always a betrayal,
and sets into motion a complex and
sometimes subtle set of dynamics,
both personally and interpersonally,
that can tear apart even the
strongest of bonds.
Now, what happens when the
offending spouse, of either sex,
suffers from pathological
narcissism? This is an even more
dubious situation. Such narcissistic
(or sometimes evenantisocial) traits
or tendencies are notoriously
resistant (though not impervious) to
treatment.Narcissism (self-love)
makes true intimacy
and empathy impossible.
Remember the Greek youth
Narcissus, who was so riveted by
his own reflection in a pond that he
rejected Echo's love and eventually
withered away from lack of
sustenance. Narcissists
constantly fantasizeabout obtaining
more success, power, superiority
and idealized love. They feel
entitled to greedily take whatever

12
they want, and grandiosely believe
they are smart enough to get away
with cheating without having to pay
the consequences. There can be a
profound lack of caring and
consideration for the partner's
feelings, needs and personal
perspective. And the constant
craving for "narcissistic supplies"-excessive admiration, love, sexual
variety--keeps the severely
narcissistic offender always
searching for his or her next "fix."
But, as with any addictive behavior,
that next narcissistic fix is never
enough. Narcissists tend to be
repeat offenders. Clearly, such
selfish and immature individuals are
not good candidates for committed,
monogamous relationship. Not
without intensive individual
treatment.
Finally, what is the responsibility of
the so-called "victims" in this
excruciating scenario? The most
difficult thing to do
in psychotherapy and in life is to
look at ourselves and consider our
own complicity in contributing to our
troubles. Betrayal of trust in a
committed relationship can be
considered an evil deed. Not
necessarily violent, but destructive
and hurtful, no doubt. Yet, we
cannot ignore the fact that Sandra
Bullock, Elan Woods and so many

other betrayed women and men

freely chose (and often continue to
choose) to be with their boyfriends
or girlfriends and marry their
spouses. And did so, presumably,
not entirely impulsively, but after
some protracted period
of dating and getting to know the
type of person they are. Or did
they? How conscious was the
choice? How wise? Were there no
early warning signs? No indications
of narcissism? Or lack of integrity?
Of lying? Often such red flags are
blatantly obvious to everyone but
ourselves. Love can definitely be
blind. Were they deceived from the
very start? Sold a bill of goods? Or
were they unconsciously attracted
to certain types of men? Immature,
self-centered, selfish men,
incapable of real commitment? Men
whom they thought could be
changed by merely loving them?
Men (or women) who personify
those shadowy aspects of
ourselves we suppress, but secretly
desire to vicariously express?
Which part of the personality played
the more prominent role in making
this momentous choice: the mature
adult or naive, needy inner child?
This is not about blaming the victim.
Self-blame is frequently the prime
reason betrayed partners remain in
such relationships. Offenders are

12
responsible for their evil deeds. But
we all have blind spots, complexes,
especially when it comes
to romantic love and choosing a
partner. What do these choices say
about us psychologically? About
who we really are, and about how
we really feel about ourselves?
About the willingness to turn a blind
eye to a partner's past and present
inappropriate behavior, and
decision to suffer remaining in a
relationship in which the
commitment to monogamy and
exclusivity is disrespected and
repeatedly violated? Are we not
worthy of love, respect and
commitment? Must one always
settle for crumbs? How much are
we really willing to put up with and
forgive just so that we can avoid
being alone? Feeling abandoned?
Getting back in the dreaded "dating
game"? Or keep the family together
for the sake of finances or the
children? These are the tough
questions so-called victims of
infidelity (men and women) must be
willing to honestly ask themselves
before they finally decide whether
or not to give serial (or even firsttime) cheaters yet another
opportunity to re-victimize them.
While compassion is spiritually
commendable, forgiveness is not
always the answer, reconciliation
not always the right solution.

12

8 Signs You're in a
Relationship with a
Sexual Narcissist
8 Signs Your Partner May Be a
Sexual Narcissist
Sexual narcissism can be defined
as a grandiose sense of ones
sexual prowess which, in the mind
of the sexual narcissist, entitles him
or her to engage in acts of
emotional and physical
manipulation at the partners
expense. Significantly, sexual
narcissism is marked by a lack of
true intimacy in the relationship
the partner is merely exploited to
fulfill the narcissists selfish needs
(1)(2)(3).
How do you know when your
partner may be a sexual narcissist?
The following are some telltale
signs. While many people may
occasionally be guilty of some of
the following behaviors, a
pathological sexual narcissist tends
to dwell habitually in several of the
following traits, while remaining
largely unaware of (or unconcerned
with) how her or his actions affects
their partner.

Here are eight signs that you may

be dealing with a sexual narcissist.
For tips on how to effectively handle
narcissists, see my book (click on
title) How to Successfully Handle
Narcissists(link is external).
1. Charming and Romantic But
with a Catch
Many sexual narcissists can come
across as alluring and attractive,
especially during the initial stages of
a relationship, when theyre trying to
win you over. Like a master
salesperson, they use charisma to
get your attention, flattery to make
you feel special, seduction (flirting,
gifts, dinners, get-aways, etc.) to lift
you off your feet, and persuasion to
get you to give them what they
want. Some sexual narcissists are
very good in bed (at least they think
they are), forsex is used as a tool to
impress, entrap, and manipulate.
While theres absolutely nothing
wrong inherently with being
charming, romantic, and a good
lover, the sexual narcissist crafts
these traits in order to use others.
He or she is not really interested in
you as a human being, but only
what he wants to extract from you
(often to fulfill an inner emptiness
due to the inability to create true
intimacy). Who you are as a person

12
is incidental. You exist merely to
gratify the narcissists self-serving
desires.

Anonymous

3. Excessive Focus on Physical

Over Emotional
2. Excessive Focus on
Performance and Approval
Pathological narcissists often have
an inflated sense of themselves.
They crave approval, are highly
sensitive to criticism, and may try
very hard to perform in bed. This is
especially true during the initial
phases of a relationship, when they
seek to impress and win you over.
Theres a major difference between
two people enjoying pleasuring
one-another, versus a sexual
narcissist trying hard to give a
virtuoso performance. The first is
true passion, while the second
mere acting. If youre on the
receiving end of the sexual
narcissists showmanship, youre
playing a role as well. Often times
the expected role is to validate and
confirm (worship) what an
omnipotent god the narcissist thinks
he is.
My boyfriends so fixated on
performance when he makes love
oftentimes I feel like hes more
concerned with his performance
than he is with me.

The sexual narcissists style of lovemaking is often focused on

appearance and image, with a keen
dislike for flaws and weaknesses
from oneself or the partner. The
love-making is less about two
human beings connecting, and
more about measuring up to
idealized expectations.
Try as the sexual narcissist might at
physical grandiosity, theres
inevitably something missing in their
performance: genuine human
emotions. The love part of lovemaking characterized by intense
interest in the partner (as a person
rather than object), caring passion,
tenderness, and vulnerability. These
qualities can only come from the
heart.

4. You Exist to Serve the

Narcissists Needs
After the initial courtship period
during which he or she tries to
impress and please, a sexual

12
narcissist may begin to demand
that you cater primarily to his or her
own selfish needs. He may expect
you to be on call and serve his
sexual desires at his pleasure,
require you to engage in sexual
acts which only he enjoys, or
demand that you limit your other
activities to be more available.
Rather than being an individual with
your own thoughts, feelings and
priorities, the sexual narcissist
expects you to exist merely as an
extension of his or her desires. Your
own needs are dismissed or
ignored.

5. Constantly Puts You Down

Some people try to be tall by
cutting off the heads of others.
Paramhansa Yogananda
In order to put up a facade of
superiority, and disguise hidden
insecurity and inadequacy, some
narcissists will constantly put other
people down, to boost their own
desirability and acceptability. In a
sexual relationship, some (but not
all) narcissists may also target their
partners for ridicule, blame, shame,
sarcasm, and overall
marginalization. By subjecting the

partner to an inferior psychological

position, the narcissist is able to
exercise a greater degree of
dominance and manipulation (4)(5).

6. Reacts Negatively When You

Dont Give Them What They Want
Since many sexual narcissists can't
stand disappointment or rejection,
they will frequently react negatively
when you dont give them what they
want, in the way they want it. Some
of the common responses include:
Anger Tantrum. Negative
judgment. Personal attacks.
Ridicule.
Passive-Aggression The cold
shoulder. The silent treatment.
Withhold of love and affection (such
as it is). Sarcasm. Calculated
separation.
Emotional Coercion
Blame. Guilt trip. Calling the
partner ungrateful. Threaten to
withhold love and intimacy (such as
it is).
Pretend narcissistic victimhood.
None of these responses are those
of a mature, reasonable adult. The
sexual narcissist, by acting like a

12
petulant child or a bully, hopes the
drama and manipulation will hook
you back in, so youll once again
belong to him or her.

Infidelity In a recent study,

participants rated higher for sexual
narcissism are also more likely to
engage in acts of infidelity (6)(7).

7. Treats You Poorly / Neglects

You After Sex

Domestic Violence Research

also indicates that theres a link
between male sexual narcissism
and domestic violence (8)(9).

Since the sexual narcissist uses

you to satiate his or her own needs,
he may disappear emotionally (if
not physically) as soon as his
gratification is met. Youre left
hanging, perhaps feeling alone and
empty, because little or no genuine
intimacy was conveyed. There was
love-making, but no real love. Then
the sexual narcissist will contact
you again the next time he wants
his craving satisfied.
One key signal that distinguishes a
sexual narcissist from someone
whos not is how he or she treats
you when youre not having sex.

8. Infidelity, Violence, and

Sexual Addiction
Various studies and authors have
linked sexual narcissism with the
following behaviors:

Sexual Addiction One study

suggests that sexual addiction is a
reflection of sexual narcissism
(10).

12

Are You a
Narcissist? 6 Sure
Signs of
Narcissism
"I know best and am the best"
replaces compassionate listening
with narcissism.
Folks who are fun, good at things,
and appear in public to be
compassionate and generous often
make desirable friends and life
partners. They can be very
enjoyable to hang out with, even if
they seem a bit self-preoccupied,
as if they are always taking mental
selfies. Then can come the rub.
Are they also good partners when
it comes to talking through
differences of opinion in work
and/or home situations? Or is there
something narcissistic about how
they communicate in a

relationship(link is external) that's

provocative?
Especially when you hit bumps on
the road of your life, ever tried to be
friends or a lovepartner with
someone who only listens to him or
herself? Who changes the topic,
gets defensive or gets mad at you
when you try to talk about
difficulties you've been
experiencing? The desire to sustain
afriendship, never mind a love
relationship, with these folks can
quickly fade.
How about you? Are you someone
that your guy friends, girl friends or
spouse like and yet often also find
demoralizing to be with when
serious issues come up? Do
people tell you that you seem to
take up all the space in the room
because conversations with you so
frequently take an "it' all about me"
turn? When others express feelings
and concerns, is your reaction "Well
what about me?" Do you
monologue or pontificate instead of
sharing equal air time?
To identify narcissism a good
place to start is with clarity about
what healthy versus narcissisitc
functioning look like.
You can most quickly tell narcissism
by how well a person listens.
Someone who is all talk with very
little interest in what others say is
generally a pretty high likelihood of
scoring high on the following
narcissism checklist.

12

Source: (c) gemphotography

www.fotosearch.com Stock Photography

Someone who disparages what you

say instead of finding what makes
sense about it, or who ignores what
you say altogether, is likely to be
functioning narcissistically.
Not listening leads to showing
minimal responsivity to others'
concerns. The bottom line is that
healthy folks in healthy
relationships (link is external)are
able to sustain both responsivity to
their own concerns and responsivity
to others'. They are able to be selfcentered in the best sense (taking
care of themselves), and
also altruistic (taking heed of others'
desires).
I call the ability to hear both
oneself and others bilateral (2sided) listening. Narcissistic
listening is one-way, listening to
myself only, listening.
When differences arise, folks who
do bilateral listening are pros at
taking into consideration both their
concerns and others'. This bilateral
listening ability enables them to
routinely seek and create win-win
solutions, which in turn sustains

their relationships with on-going

goodwill.
For instance, if you are tired, you
would listen to that feeling and head
for bed. At the same time if you
have just received a call from a
friend who has a problem and
urgently wants to talk with you, you
might suggest that the two of you
talk for a few minutes now, and aim
to talk more at length in the
morning. That could be a win-win
solution.
By contrast, if you function
narcissistically you might respond
with an immediateNo. Im too
tired, to your friends request. Or
with a more gentle, "Yes I hear that
you want to talk but I'm just too
tired. In the latter case you seemed
to be hearing your friend's request,
and then your but minimized,
dismissed and discarded the data
about the friend's need.
Similarly, if your friend is a
narcissist, the fact that you are tired
would slide by him/her. Talking
together now would be the only
option. 'It's all about me' would
prevail, with anger at you if you
were to refrain from complying.
Narcissistic folks can be
generous.
Narcissistic folks actually are
often very generous. They may, for
instance, give away large sums of
money to charity. Generous giving
makes the giver feel good and also
feels appropriate, like "the right"
thing to do. They may well
therefore pride themselves on their
compassion and altruism.

12
At the same time, in a situation in
which someone who tends toward
narcissism wants something, and
that desire is in conflict with what
someone else wants, that's when
the selfish side takes over.
Often too, the tendency toward
compassionate generosity gets
directed toward strangers. The
people closest to a narcissist
receive far less compassion and far
more dismissive listening.
THE QUIZ
Expanding on this core definition of
narcissistic functioing as a difficulty
in listening, heres six signs for
sizing up narcissism. Score each
dimension from 0 to 10. Zero is not
at all. Ten is all the time.
First assess yourself. Then circle
back to score someone in your life
who is difficult to deal with.
The goal: See your and others'
patterns clearly. Clarity is a strong
first step toward being able to make
changes for the better.
Sign #1: Unilateral listening.
What I want and what I have to say
are all that matters when we talk
together. When we make decisions
what you want, your concerns, your
feelings..these are mere whispers,
inconveniences and irrelevancies.
So when we discuss issues, my
opinions are right. Yours are wrong
or else of minimal importance. If
you expect to have input, you are
undermining me.
Narcissistic listening often
dismisses, negates, ignores,
minimizes, denigrates or otherwise

renders irrelevant other peoples

concerns and comments.
One sign of narcissistic nonlistening: a tone of contempt instead
of interest.
Another: frequent responses that
begin with "But....", which is a
backspace-delete key that negates
whatever came before, in this case,
what someone else has said.
Yet another: because 'I'm right and
you're wrong,' I tend to listen for
what I don't like in what you say so
that I can respond by telling you
how what you have said is wrong.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
SIgn #2 Its all about me.
I know more, I know better, Im
more interesting, When we talk, its
mostly about me. In conversations,
I take up most of the air time.
Almost all of my chatter is about
what I have done, what I am
thinking about.
If you begin to talk about yourself, I
link back to something in my life so
that the focus of the discussion
again turns onto me. Maybe that's
why people say I suck up all the air
in a room.
When I want something, I need to
have it. Never mind how you feel
about it; its all about me. Im big
and important and you are merely
also here, mostly to do things for
me, like a third arm.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Sign #3: The rules dont apply to
me.
I can have affairs, cut into a line
where others are waiting, cheat

12
on my taxes, and ignore rules that
get in the way of my doing what I
want.. Rules are for other people to
follow.
Narcissists suffer from what I
call Tall Man Syndrome. They
experience themselves as above
others, so the rules don't apply to
them.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Sign #4: Your concerns are
really criticisms of me, and I hate
being criticized.
If you insist on my listening and
taking your concerns seriously Im
likely to get mad. Criticism hurts. I
can criticize others, and often do,
but if you criticize me youre hurting
my feelings so Ill hurt you back.
And if you say you are at all
unhappy, that's a way of indirectly
criticizing me. Since "it's all about
me" your feelings must be about
what I have been doing.
Narcissists paradoxically manifest
both an inflated idea of their own
importance and quickness to feel
deflated by negative feedback.
In addition, because they think
everything is about them, they hear
others attempts to talk about
personal feelings as veiled
criticisms of themselves.
The clinical term for taking others'
concerns as personal criticism
is personalizing. E.g., If she says
"I'm feeling lonely," her narcissistic
friend will hear the self-statement
as an acusation, "You don't spend
enough time with me."
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Sign #5: When things go wrong

between us, its always your
fault.
I cant be expected to apologize or
to admit blame. Im above others
and above reproach. You shouldnt
have . Dont threaten me with
expecting me to say how Ive
contributed to a problem or Ill get
mad at you.
Unwillingness to take responsibility
for mistakes goes hand-in-hand
with quickness to blame.
This trait may come from confusing
the part with the whole. "If I've done
one thing that's not right, then I
must be all bad." That's also all-ornothing thinking.
Whatever the source of the
sensitivity to criticism and difficulty
admitting mistakes, the upshot is a
tendency to blame others when
anything has gone wrong. Blaming
and fault-finding in others feel safer
to narcissists than looking to
discover, learn and grow from their
own part in difficulties.
While narcissists are quick to
blame, they may be slow to
appreciate. Appreciation
andgratitude require listening.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Sign #6: If Im angry, its your
fault.
You made me mad. You didnt
listen to me. You criticized me.
Youre trying to control me. Your
view is wrong. So you need to
apologize, not me.
Im not responsible either for my
anger. If Im mad, it's because I'm

12
frustrated by what you are doing.
My anger is your fault. I'm only
made because you ... "
Some narcissists show
major charm and social agility. At
the same time, these seemintly
super-confident folks also can be
quick to anger. When they do
become inflamed, they then
immediately blame their anger on
others.
What are typical anger triggers for
people with narcissistic
tendencies?
Critical comments will do it. As I
said above, as much as narcissisitc
folks see themselves as special,
they also can be remarkably thinskinned. Any feedback that
punctures their belief in total
specialness can feel quite
threatening. The immediate
response will be to issue blame.
Telling anyone what to do, or
sounding even somewhat like you
are telling them what to do, also is
likely to provoke irritation. Pretty
much everyone prefers autonomy
(unless the two people have an
agreed-upon boss-worker or similar
relationship). Narcissists however
tend to be hyper-sensitive about
feeling controlled. Any request
therefore to a narcissist is at risk for
sounding to them like a demand
and therefore triggering irritation.
Asking someone who is narcissistic
to do something your way rather
than theirs is particularly likely to
sound to them like you are telling
them what to do. Their anger in
response, of course, is your fault.
Score: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

TOTAL SCORE: ___ What does

this score indicate?
The interpretations below are based
on my clinical hunches, not any
scientific testing. They're meant
just to give you a general indicate of
what your quiz suggests.
Scores that total 5-10 probably
indicate normal human fallibilities
with room for improvement. No one
is perfect. If you think you are
perfect, and scored therefore below
5, you might check again. Be sure
your scores do not indicate a
narcissism of excessive belief that
you are perfect, another potential
sign of narcissism
Too much narcissism in your habits
would be indicated by a total score
of 10 to 30. Pay attention to your
"narcissism lite" and you may fairly
easily be able to lower that score
considerably.
A total score of 30 or higher spells
significant narcissistic habits that
probably do not serve you well.
Time to make some serious habit
changes!
40 to 60 or higher would indicate to
me severe problems with
narcissism. With
thisunderstanding of why your
relationships become distressed,
hopefully you will commit yourself to
some serious personal growth.
Again, note that these score
interpretations are based on
hunches, not an experimentally
validated scoring system. They are
meant as a personal heads-up, not
a clinical diagnosis.

12

What are your options if you are

uncomfortable with the score?
The bottom line is that "narcissism"
is basically habit-patterns, and
habits can be changed. Awareness
of your narcissistic tendencies is a
strong first step that can empower
you to notice and fix slippages.
You also might want to check out
my blogpost on overcoming
narcissism and borderline
personality habits.
What if you are using this
checklist to score how
narcissistic someone you know
may be?
If someone you interact with
regularly shows narcissistic
patterns, it's not up to you to
change them. Better for you to
focus on how you yourself can
change the dance you do with that
person.
For instance, you can choose that
you will no longer let yourself be
intimidated or controlled by fear of
anger. Just gracefully leave the
situation for a cool down period (I
need to get a drink of water.), and
then return for a calmer second-go
at the conversation.
When you have something
important to communicate with a
narcissistic loved one, what can
help? Be sure to follow the rule of
talking about yourself, not about the
other person. See my post on 6
sentence starters for sensitive
discussions for illustrations of how
to follow this rule to more effectively
be past the deafness wall.

Having trouble getting your views

heard? You can choose to speak
up a second or third time about your
concerns to increase the odds that
your concerns or viewpoint will
eventually get heard.
You can ask, after sharing a
concern, So what made sense to
you in what I said?
You can digest aloud what makes
sense in what your partner said,
and then make a second attempt to
say your viewpoint. Once your
partner feels heard, the odds go up
that he or she will mirror your good
hearing habits.
And becoming a master at win-win
problem-solving can put you in
a leadership role for situations in
which you need to make a decision
together so that your eventual plan
of action heeds both of your
concerns. This earlier post on winwin decision-making may help so
that your partner feels that s/he has
gotten what s/he wants even though
your concerns also have been
responded to in your plan of action.
Almost everyone tends to behave
less narcissistically when they
are happy. Most of us tend to
become increasingly narcissistic
as anxieties prime the pump of
anger.
Anger promotes the sense that
What I want is holy, and what you
want is irrelevant. That's why it's
so vital that in important
conversations you stay calm.
Talking about sensitive issues in
calm good-humored ways without
arguing (link is external)has the

12
highest odds of leading to mutual
understandings instead of the
narcissism trap.
The bottom line? For a happier life
and more gratifing relationships,
(link is external) especially if your
scores indicated some narcissistic
tendencies, tame these trends
with better skills. Narcissism is not
like height or eye color. It's a
behavior problem. Upgrading your
listening and shared-decisionmaking skills can make a huge
difference!

12

Who Are The

"Keepers?" The
Behaviors of
Successful LongTerm Partners
Are you a partner no one wants to lose?

Many long-term relationship

seekers have failed to find their
ideal partners despite sincere and
intense efforts. They have read
dozens of self-help books and
Internet articles,
watcheddating videos, and sought
competent therapists to help them.
They have learned every phase of
finding the right person, correcting
their own dysfunctional behavior,
and keeping competitive in the
dating market. Yet, they have not
been successful in maintaining
lasting relationships.
As a relationship therapist for forty
years, I believe that the most
important evidence has been
overlooked. Most all relationship
advice has focused on the "popular"

traits and behaviors people think

will ensure success, and have
largely ignored those that
consistently create great
relationships.
Operating under the radar, people
with these qualities don't appear in
tabloids or reality TV shows. They
don't live on pedestals, fall from
grace when they choose new
relationships, or leave behind angry
ex-partners. You won't usually find
them leading with the package that
most people think will work. They
appreciate sexual attractiveness,
status, connections, social
performance, financial success, and
dramatic experiences, but they
know those are not the positives
that survive the test of time.
I've watched these people carefully
over many years. They consistently
create great relationships filled with
joyful and meaningful experiences.
I've heard them called Keepers,
those people you'd never want to
lose. I support that title and
definition. These successful
relationship people exhibit a set of
beliefs, actions, and ideals that
keep relationships thriving through
the good times and the bad.

12
Keepers have fifteen consistent
identifying traits. You may already
possess some of them. As you read
through the list, think of people you
have consistently treasured and felt
valued by in return. Also note if
these behaviors characterize them.
At the end of the category
descriptions, you and your partner
can take the short quiz to see
where you stand on each of these
traits. It is only for information, and
not meant as a way of finding fault.
You may also think of other traits
that have been important markers
in the successful relationships
you've had or observed and could
add them to the list.
Trait One - Keepers are selfaccountable
Keepers understand
how love works are not afraid to
question themselves. They clearly
put knowledge ahead of egopreservation, and seek ways to help
their relationships stay successful.
They ask themselves what they
could do to change them for the
better. They are not out to win at
their partner's expense.
Alongside of their willingness to
admit wrongs and to choose
compromise whenever possible,

they are also confident in their own

contributions. They don't
automatically give up their point of
view when challenged. You know
them by their combination of ego
strength and flexibility. They not
only hold their integrity under fire,
but also expect that kind of behavior
from people they respect.
Example:
He: "I keep telling you how much I
hate it when you're late. No matter
what I say, you don't seem to give a
damn. What will it take for you to
listen and do something about it?
I'm fed up."
Keeper: (Pulls back and wants to
defend, but thinks about what he's
said, and where he's right.) "You
have every right to be upset. I don't
handle time very well. I really mean
to, but I let other things distract me.
I know I've been getting better but
you do have a history of being
disappointed with me. I'm really
going to make this a high priority.
Work with me, okay?" (Reaches out
for his hand.)
He: (Taking her hand.) "I guess I
don't trust that you're really making
an effort, but I know you are. I'm
sorry for the rant. I guess I want to
be more important to you."

12
Keeper: "I do this to a lot of people,
and I'm sure you're not alone. I will
do everything I can to make this
better, babe. I'm glad you cared
enough to challenge me."
Trait Two - Keepers can hold on
to their own personal rhythms
under stress
Keepers can blend into the rhythm
of their partners when they want to
because they honor and respect
their differences in timing and
urgency level. They do not allow
themselves to be pulled into
emotional cascades when it doesn't
work for them or the relationship.
Whether making love, spring
cleaning, or planting a garden,
people thrive in individual ways.
Those who respect and know their
own rhythms want what's best for
themselves and their partners. They
are reasonably flexible and can
slow down or speed up if their
partner needs them to, but
ultimately know that they are the
final say on how they respond.
Example:
She: (coming in the door from work)
"Hi, honey. Where's the mail? Did
your sister reply to our dinner
invitation? Did you remember to

pick up my prescription? I've got to

finish this damn presentation
tonight. When am I going to do
this? I'm so stressed out."
Keeper: (smiling and even) "Slow
down, sweetheart. You're spinning."
She: "Wow, I really am, aren't I? I
think I swallowed a whole lot of
crap today and I'm taking it out on
you. I get so rattled when I have too
much on my plate. Thank God you
don't get pulled in. You're my rock."
Keeper: (smiling) "I'm sure I get
rattled on occasion, too. I just hate
to see you so upset, especially by
people who shouldn't matter that
much. We can go over your laundry
list and figure this out together."
She: "I'm so grateful you don't get
pulled in to my stuff. It's such a
relief."
Trait Three - Keepers don't
patronize. They find a way to stay
interested or they graciously bow
out
Keepers know that boredom can
undermine the best of relationships.
Because they can hold on to their
own sense of excitement, their first
response to an uninteresting
situation is to try to make it more

12
meaningful by using their own
resources. They know that staying
bored will probably make them
boring as well, and they don't want
others to have to endure that. Their
goal is to find meaning or joy in
whatever they are doing.
They're the first to admit that they
don't respond as well to people who
aren't willing to change their
situation. They eagerly look for any
way to make connections more
positive and don't give up easily. If,
eventually, there is nothing more
they can do, they won't patronize
another person by pretending that
they are interested when they no
longer are.
Example:
Keeper: "I've been asking you a lot
of questions and you seem quiet. I
hope I'm not being inappropriate."
She: "That's sweet of you to ask.
I'm not much of a talker."
Keeper: "I'm interested in knowing
you better. Tell me something about
yourself you'd like me to know."
She: (shrugs) "Well, I'm a pretty
ordinary person. Not much that's
that interesting." (Silence.)

Keeper: (Know he's going to have

to put out more effort, but still
willing to try.) "Well, what do you
like most about your work? You're a
dental hygienist, right? It must be
nice to make people feel better
about themselves. What kind of
people do you usually see?"
She: "I guess it's an okay job. The
people are usually nice."
Keeper: "Have you ever thought
about doing any other kind of work
in your life? Maybe something that
would be more meaningful?"
She: "I've never really thought
about it."
Keeper: (realizing this isn't working
very well, but wants to get through
dinner without making her feel
badly) "Well, what would you like to
order? I really like the halibut here.
Do you like halibut?"
She: (peering at the menu and
seemingly unaffected) "I need
some time to decide."
Keeper: "Take our time. I'd like you
to get something you really enjoy."
Trait Four - Keepers
see humor as a sacred part of
relationships

12
Laughter is one of the best
antidotes for anxiety,
sorrow, loneliness, or frustration.
People who find the humor in life
are more resilient to
disappointments. They don't laugh
inappropriately or use humor to
mock, but they do maintain
perspective that keeps them aware.
Keepers don't use laughter to cover
when they're feeling uncomfortable.
They have learned the value of
timing and a compassionate heart,
and can process sorrow and joy
with the same gentle appreciation
for life. They readily enjoy others
who can make them laugh, and
help them hold on to their sense of
perspective when times are hard.
They have a keen sense of
perspective, and don't use humor to
lighten up situations that need to
stay serious.
Example:
He: "Man, people are sometimes so
stupid. Every time I tried to tell my
boss what we needed to do to save
the deal, I get undermined. He's
just like my old boss. I know he'll
pretend he didn't hear me and then
steal the idea. What the hell am I
supposed to do, just shut up and
get used again? If this job didn't
pay so well, I'd be out of there.

Doesn't anyone have integrity

anymore?"
Keeper: (touching his face tenderly)
"I understand, but I hate to see you
this heavy and down. I know you
work hard, but you're letting this
guy steal your soul. Remember
when we used to make fun of hard
situations? We could put anything
in perspective, just because we
knew how to laugh about things
together."
He (reflecting): "How did I get this
angry, honey? I don't want to go
around feeling this way. Maybe too
many disappointments in people. I
don't know what to do."
Keeper: (Caressing him) "Well, you
could get me pregnant."
He: (laughing) "Now, that
suggestion definitely changes the
equation."
Trait Five - Keepers know how to
stay even
Keepers have an internal resiliency
and don't get out of control. You can
always count on them to stay
centered, especially when they are
challenged. They can take in
criticism with the same gracious
evenness as compliments. They

12
seem to have internal advocates
who catch them when they fall and
support them when their confidence
is low, and want to do that for others
whenever they can.
They use challenges as
opportunities to know themselves
better, and to learn more about their
partner's fears and insecurities.
They feel grateful that they can find
their footing more easily than
others, but they don't give up
continuously learning how to do it
better.
They don't overly react when their
partners are unstable. They can be
caring but won't take more
challenge than they feel they
deserve.
Example:
She: (angry and blaming; on
output) "It's been three weeks since
you've even looked at me. You take
care of everyone else in the world
but I'm your lowest priority. I wait
and wait so I won't bug you and
seem needy, but I'm getting really
tired of feeling so damned
unimportant. Can't you see how
much I'm hurting?"
Keeper: "Hey, what's going on?
Where is this all coming from? We

were great this morning and I

haven't seen you all day."
She: (heating up) "You're on that
God damn phone all day. You're
sweet to every waitress that serves
us, even if they aren't doing a good
job. You won't tell your mother to
leave us alone on the weekends.
You don't remember the things I tell
you that are important to me."
Keeper: "It feels like you're really on
output. I'm willing to listen and to
take blame where it's due, but there
seems to be a lot more going on
here than you're talking about. Slow
down and try to tell me where this
all started."
She (quieting down and starting to
cry): "I don't know. I just missed you
today after we made love. I guess I
needed more of us and you
disappeared, like always."
Keeper: (takes her hand but stays
centered) "I'm really sorry you're
feeling so bad, honey. I did leave a
little soon. I didn't want you to feel
sad. I really thought we were okay. I
wish you'd told me you needed
more. I can't take responsibility for
the things I don't know but I'll sure
try to change the things that I can.
Talk to me about what can I do for
you now that might help?"

12
She: (Feeling hopeful) "Just
listening to me really makes a
difference, especially when you are
so honest. It would really help if we
could plan some longer time
together soon."
Keeper: "Let's do it."
Trait Six - Keepers do not
allow guilt to influence their
decisions
When people feel embarrassed,
shameful, or guilty, they feel like
they haven't measured up. Small
children learn from their caretakers
when they are being good or bad.
Even though those criteria may be
arbitrary, they are absorbed and
form the basis for guilt in adulthood.

Only through
greater understanding do adults
realize that guilt was used to control
their choices when they were
young, and begin to set their own
standards for personal integrity.
Keepers do not control others by
using guilt tactics, nor do they
succumb to obligatory obedience if
others use guilt to control them.
Their views of themself mostly
depend on their own integrity, not
upon what others expect of them.
They care about making others
happy, but do not act from fear of
loss when they cannot.
Example:
He: "You can't seem to get this
straight. I told you for the fiftieth
time that you can't open your mouth
in front of my friends if you don't
have anything worthwhile to say.
Your dad says the same thing
about you when you were a kid.
You always were out of line and
continuously said things that made
people uncomfortable. You should
be able to keep that under control
by now. What do I have to do, send
you to your room?"
Keeper: (checking inward first to
make sure she was okay) "You're
talking to me now as if I was that
child and trying to use guilt to get

12
me to do what you want. I'm okay
with who I am. No one at that table
seemed uncomfortable but you, so
maybe it's your own stuff. Bringing
in my dad's childhood stories is
hitting below the belt. I don't
appreciate it."
He: "Okay, okay. Maybe I'm being a
little hard on you. I'm really being
critical and I shouldn't be. Maybe it
is about me. You're so damn
comfortable telling complete
strangers everything about your life,
and I'm really uneasy if it includes
me. I probably wouldn't be
comfortable even when it doesn't
have anything to do with me. We
never talked about this kind of stuff
when I was a kid."
Keeper: "I don't want you to feel
guilty for being mad. You have
every right to want what you want
just as I do. Let's really talk this
over and plan ahead better. I like
being open and I don't really care
what other people think. I'm
sensitive to how people are
responding, honey. I don't want to
embarrass you."
Trait Seven - Keepers store the
"good times"
Life can be hard at times for
everyone, and tragedies can erode

a person's capacity to
endure grief without resentment or
bitterness. Keepers like knowing
they can fall back on
great memories in order survive
and thrive when times are hard.
They realize that remembering
those experiences in the midst of
trauma can be hard and that
practice makes it easier.
When life is less stressful, Keepers
look for and store the good times so
they can draw upon them later.
They make a point to treasure the
simplest things and to turn every
possible situation into one of joy,
mischief, or adventure. They are not
irreverent about sorrow or tragedy,
but balance difficult moments with
joyous recollections.
Example:
She: "This has been a horrible
month. Nothing has turned out right
and I can't see anything in the
future that can make up for it. I'm
so incredibly depressed. We
desperately need a break, some
kind of silver lining in this mess."
Keeper: "I agree completely, but we
have to remember that it hasn't
always been this way. We have lots
of reasons to believe that they'll get

12
better and we've got to keep those
in mind when things are tough."

Trait Eight - Keepers are

authentic

She: (torn but touched) "I know

you're right. But it's really hard for
me to remember and to
have faith that we'll be okay."

Keepers trust those who are honest

and above-board. They feel
responsible for what they say or do.
They just don't pretend to be
someone they are not, or
automatically agree with something
they that they don't. They want to
be transparent because they don't
play games or want to participate in
any. They'd rather hear the truth
from others, too, even if it's
uncomfortable.

Keeper: "I know, sweetheart. But I

know how down you can get if you
keep thinking the way you are."
She: "Aren't you worried? What do
you do with your fears?"
Keeper: "I'm not always okay,
either. You know how tough things
were for my family when my dad
died. There were a lot of times
when my mom and sisters would
just cry. I didn't know what to do for
them. I was the smallest so I just
would pretend that things were
great and that we had nothing to
worry about. I'd perform skits that
would make them laugh. They
would seem better so I just got it
into my head that pretending things
would get better worked. And they
did, eventually."
She: (smiling in appreciation) "I
don't know whether it's just a nice
idea or the twinkle in your eyes, but
it helps to remember. We've had so
much to be grateful for. Thanks
honey."

Keepers choose partners who value

them for their honesty. They don't
take that right lightly, nor do they
use their authenticity to
unnecessarily point out other's
faults. They do love and care for
how their partners feel about them.
They don't go out of their way to
cover their faults, and deeply
appreciate when others are honest
with them.
Example:
He: (Teasing, but serious
underneath) "Okay, I've been
working out for two months and
watching everything I put in my
mouth. You have two choices. The
first is to tell me I look better than
when you married me ten years

12
ago and reap the rewards of total
devotion. The second is to say that
you don't see any difference, and
risk that I will go into a deep pout
for the next several days and forget
your birthday."
Keeper: "I don't like the odds. Way
too risky. First of all, I love you with
your belly relatively round. Yes, it is
not particularly sexy to look like
Buddha, but you're my Budha.
Second, you've only lost five
pounds and it is noticeable but
probably not neon-lighted yet. That
doesn't mean I'm not proud of you
for your commitment and effort. It's
great. Are there new muscles?
Yeah, I can definitely see them as
they work their way to the surface.
Now you have two choices: the first
is to be hurt by what I've said. The
second is to tell me how much you
value my total honesty so that when
you start to look really good, you'll
know it's true."
He: (smiling) "You are merciless,
but that's why I trust you. I wouldn't
have it any other way. You've
always been in my corner, honey.
I'm not quitting"
Trait Nine - Keepers understand
and accept their value in the
marketplace

Keepers have a realistic sense of

their own value. They don't try to
impress people who aren't
interested in them, and they don't
want others to go out of their way to
win their favor. They have strong
values about what characteristics
they believe are important, and are
not tempted away from them to be
someone they couldn't respect.
If they don't come out ahead in any
contest, they don't complain or feel
rejected because they know it's a
waste of time. They'll tell you that
they are more interested in finding
out what they could have done
better. If they want to belong to a
specific group or relationship, they
figure out how they offer what is
required, and then do their best to
make it happen. If they don't make
the cut, they analyze what didn't
work instead of blaming anyone,
then either try again, or find another
relationship that does work.
Example:
She: "I'm so down. I do everything I
can to make those people like me
and they just keep rejecting me. I'm
obsessing over not being good
enough. I don't know what to do. I
just don't seem to be able to let go."

12
Keeper: "I'm really impressed by
your perseverance. I could not
handle that much rejection and
come back. What are the criteria for
getting into that group?"
She: (thoughtful). "You know, I'm
not really sure I've thought about it.
I know they like people who have
great careers, and I do. They also
seem to favor people who make a
lot of money, which I don't. I think a
bunch of them have been together
since college, but not all of them, so
that doesn't apply. They do play a
lot of tennis, which I'm not great at."
Keeper: "Sounds like having a lot of
money is important to them. Do
they travel a lot?"
She: "You now, I think you're right. I
love taking care of the kids I do, but
I'm not free to just get up and go
whenever they can."
Keeper: "Do you wish you could?"
She: "Not if I had to give up what I
love to do. You're really helping me,
Gus. I never equated my real
values with how they live their lives.
I think I'm trying to get into the
wrong group."

live their lives. It's a hard lesson, I

know. I learned it a long time ago
when I couldn't play varsity ball in
high school. I just wasn't good
enough. Now I coach basketball
and I'm really good at it."
Trait Ten - Keepers look for the
value in others
Keepers look for the true positive
traits in others, and remember to let
them know it. They keep their
important relationships up to date
because they know that nothing in
life is guaranteed. They don't dwell
on the possibility of loss, but
intentionally focus on what they
treasure in the present.
Keepers remember the important
things you tell them, and, if
necessary, act on them when they
get the chance. When they are with
people, they focus on the situation
at hand and pay close attention to
what is happening. Most people
who know them feel special in the
presence of a Keeper, as though
they were the only person who
existed.
Example:
He: "Have you got a few minutes?"

Keeper: "They have an absolute

right to set the criteria for how they

Keeper: "Sure. What's up?"

12
He: "I just got off the phone with my
girlfriend, and she says she needs
a break. I acted okay at the time
and told her to do whatever she
needed, but I think I need a drink or
something. I know you're working
on an important deal for work
tomorrow, but I wondered if we
could hang out for a while."
Keeper: "Hey, I've been there.
You're not the kind of guy who
easily asks for help. My work can
get done later. I'll meet you at your
apartment in half an hour."
He: "You're sure it's not going to
mess you up?"
Keeper: "No problem. You're more
important to me. I'm good."
Trait Eleven - Keepers avoid
useless energy drains

Anxiety, unresolvable conflicts,

outrage, powerlessness, negative
conspiracies, and attachments to
unattainable outcomes: all are
examples of behaviors that drain
people without changing anything.
They make people less functional
and less focused on making a
difference. Keepers avoid such
useless outpourings of resources.
They would rather use that energy
to solve problems and create new
possibilities.
Keepers inspire others to focus on
the possible. They don't put you
down if you are drowning in
dysfunctional hopelessness.
Instead, they will help you let go of
energy drains and help you to focus
on what you like about yourself.
They like working on a team to find
the best solutions.
Example:
She: "I've got myself in a mess. I
have to be three places at once and
all of them are important. I can't
bear letting people down and I'm
overcommitted again. I know I'm
going to disappoint someone big
time, and I'm sure I'm going to get
blamed. Damn, why do I always try
to do so much?"

12
Keeper: "I'm really sorry,
sweetheart. I've seen you do this
before. You want to make too many
people happy, but, since you've
already committed, why not let go
of it. Worrying won't make it better.
You're praying to the God of Mercy
and you really haven't done
anything wrong except try too hard
to do everything for everybody."
She: "I know you're right. I just
need to get things in better priority. I
always forget that I can only do
what's in front of me. You try to tell
me to not try to second guess
people or borrow trouble, and I
really want to be more like that."
Keeper: "Do you want some help?
We can sort this thing out together
and I can take over some of the
other stuff."
She: (smiling) "I need to carry you
around in my head before I get
myself in trouble."
Trait Twelve - Keepers Know how
to Self-Soothe
Like anyone else, Keepers get hurt,
frustrated, and upset, but, when
times get tough, their first response
is to relax and self-soothe. They
know that if they're agitated, they'll
just make more errors. To keep

from doing that, they've learned

how to take some deep breaths, go
inward, and remember what is
important. If they get overstressed
and respond negatively, they are
quick to regain their personal
balance and correct the situation.
Most Keepers will tell you that they
weren't always that way, but have
practiced catching self-destructive
patterns before they are harder to
solve. They much prefer friendlier
and more successful alternatives to
arguing, defensiveness, or
unproductive competition.
Example:
He: "You're so quiet, honey. What's
going on?"
Keeper: "I've had a really tough
day. The kids have been energy
vampires. The delivery people
didn't show. The people on the
committee didn't do what they
promised. I could go on, but it
wouldn't help."
He: "Do you need to get stuff off
your chest?"
Keeper: "Thanks, but not right now.
You know me. I just need to be
quiet for a while and sort things out.
I don't like it when I get this

12
aggravated because I distort input
and react to all the wrong things.
Remember when I was so angry all
the time after people disappointed
me? It wasn't good for me, or for
us. Just give me a little while and I'll
be able to handle all this better."
He: "I appreciate you. Can I take
the kids out for a while so you can
do it without the chaos?"
Keeper: "That would be a great
help. I need to do some re-planning
so these damned situations don't
get me going like this. You're so
great to care this much."
Trait Thirteen - Keepers seek
continuous transformation
Keepers are committed to learning
from the past and projecting the
future more effectively. To do that,
they willingly seek constant new
ways of seeing their lives unfold.
Their own search for more effective
ways of living is wonderfully
contagious. They are most alive
when seeking treasures, solving
puzzles, or attaining important goal.
They learn from their mistakes and
believe in their dreams.
Most people will choose security
and predictability over challenge or
change. Keepers successfully blend

the two. They cherish traditions but

search always for better ways to
help themselves and others. This
way of being makes them ever
interesting and exciting to be
around. They don't wait for
someone to inspire them; they
generate excitement by who they
are.
Example:
She: "Hi. Dinner's almost ready.
What are you carrying?"
Keeper: "A powered kaleidoscope.
Turns by itself and projects its
picture on the wall. I'm tired of this
gloomy weather, and figure it'll give
us great, ever-changing images
without having to go outside. I can't
wait to try it."
She: "You are such a wonderful nut
case. I never know what you're up
to. Mostly, I love it, but those
vegetarian chicken legs were a
little, well...unusual."
Keeper: "Now, hold on. I still go to
church every Sunday and play
Scrabble. I'm not totally weird."
She: "I wouldn't want you any other
way. You do keep me surprised,
though, and I sometimes have a
hard time explaining you to my

12
friends. I'll never be able to predict
you but life is so much more
interesting when you're around."
Trait Fourteen - Keepers take
good care of themselves
Keepers do everything they can to
stay mentally, physically and
spiritually healthy. They not only
feel better, but can better face
whatever comes their way. They
hang out with people who
regenerate them, keep their minds
active, and are deeply in love with
the spiritual values that sustain
them through traumas. These are
the partners you never have to
remind to care for themselves. They
don't put that pressure on the
people they love.
These Keepers don't press their
views on others, but stand as
models for the people they
treasure. You can easily recognize
them by the quickness to their step,
their ready smiles, the twinkle in
their eyes, and their sense of
personal serenity. They are in
touch, in every way.
Example:
He: "You know, honey, I've always
teased you about your
commitments to working out and

yoga gurus. Now that I look around,

you're the most beautiful woman at
every party we go to. You've had
three kids and you look younger
today than when I married you. I
think I've just been jealous of
your discipline and the way you just
take care of things."
Keeper: "I know that I take time out
from you and the kids sometimes,
but I want to be my best for you
guys and I know that I'm better
when I make sure I'm okay. When
your parentsare alcoholics, there's
not much discipline or good food
around. I just never wanted to be
like them. It's not easy, though. I
have to re-commit every day, even
when I feel discouraged."
He: "I may complain sometimes,
but I appreciate you. I think I'm
jealous sometimes, too. I know I
should care about myself better,
even if it's just for you and the kids.
I wish you'd push me harder."
Keeper: "I don't want to push you to
do something you don't want to do.
I know how hard you work and how
difficult it is to do what you do. I
would love it if you took better care
of yourself, but I also know that's
your decision. I could tease you
because I can run farther than you
can. Would that help?"

12
He: "Now you're getting serious. Do
I have to meditate, too?"

are. When these Keepers are with

you, they are only with you.

Keeper: (smiling) "Only if you want

to keep up. I can always push you
around in your wheel chair come
day."

Example:

He: "Okay, that's it. You're

disgustingly perfect, and effectively
manipulative. I'm on board."
Trait Fifteen - Keepers treasure
the present moment
Keepers plan for the future and
learn from the past, but they are
most invigorated by whatever is
happening in the present moment.
By living more fully in the only real
time that exists for them, they are
able to leave heartbreaks in the
past, and use the future for
possibilities.
When you're with a person who
treasures the immediate moment,
you will feel deeply attended to. If
you are in distress, those people
notice immediately, stop whatever
their doing, and ask you if you're
okay, no matter what was going on
before. If you smile, they will want
to know what is making you feel
that way. If you can't find the words
to express what you're feeling, they
reach out to meet you wherever you

She: "I just can't seem to let go of

my past mistakes. I feel so
responsible for the damage I've
caused. I try to forget them, but my
mind just won't let go. I keep
thinking that something terrible is
going to happen and I'm at fault.
The saner part of me keeps fighting
back and saying it wasn't that bad,
but it doesn't seem to hold."
Keeper: "You are really being hard
on yourself right now. I can feel
your tears coming."
She: (Begins to cry) "I know you're
right, but I just can't seem to stop.
Maybe it was all that criticism I took
in as a kid. I could never do
anything right."
Keeper: (Takes her hand) "You're
so sad. What is at the core of your
sorrow?"
She: "I'm afraid that if I keep
messing up, I'll never deserve to be
really loved."
Keeper: "Honey, look at me. I love
you, now, in the present. It doesn't
matter what you ever did in the

12
past. I know what a wonderful
person you are. Do you believe
me?"

Never = 1

She: (Looks into his eyes, wanting

to believe him) "Yes."

Do you take responsibility for the

decisions you make and the
behaviors they cause?____

Keeper: "Always remember. We

only have this moment and, for us,
that is what matters."
Are You a Keeper? Rate your
relationship desirability
Good long-term relationship
partners have many of these traits.
You can probably think of others
that have special significance for
you or your partner. The following
short quiz will help you evaluate
where you stand now on these
fifteen.
The quiz is comprised of one
summary question for each of the
fifteen traits. Answer each question
with a number corresponding to the
following guide:
Most of the time = 5
Some of the time = 4

Trait One - Accountability

Trait Two - Rhythm

Are you comfortable with your
personal rhythm and how you blend
with those of others?___
Trait Three - Interest
Do you actively help to make each
situation interesting?___
Trait Four - Humor
Do you help people to see the
sunny side of life when it's
appropriate?___
Trait Five - Evenness
Can you stay centered under
stress?___
Trait Six -Guilt

Occasionally = 3

Have you let go of worrying about

mistakes?___

Not often = 2

Trait Seven -Storing Good Times

12
Do you remember to keep a cache
of meaningful experiences?___

Are you taking good care of

yourself?___

Trait Eight - Authenticity

Trait Fifteen - Being Present

Can you be trusted by others to be

honest about what you believe?___

Are you treasuring your present

moments?___

Trait Nine - Marketability

Add up your scores. The total will

end up somewhere between 15 and
75. The higher your score, the more
you are a Keeper.

Are you realistic about your value to

others?___
Trait Ten - Valuing Others
Do you treasure the people you're
with?___
Trait Eleven - Staying Focused on
what is important
Do you avoid getting caught up in
useless energy drains?___
Trait Twelve - Self-soothing
Can you calm yourself when
stressed?___
Trait Thirteen - Transformation
Are you committed and open to
seeing things in new ways?___
Trait Fourteen - Self-Care

You may find that you score three

or higher in some categories and
less in others. Look first at those
questions where you scored a 1 or
2. Those are the most important
areas to work on. No one is perfect,
so don't criticize yourself or your
partner. Change takes commitment,
but it also takes time and practice.
Your higher scores may already be
serving you well in your current
relationships.
Hopefully, after learning about the
traits and behaviors that predict
better long-term relationship
success, you will look for them
sooner in new relationships.
Keepers are sometimes just born
that way but, more often, they hone
themselves by life experiences and
their determination to have more
successful relationships.

12
If anyone you know calls you a
Keeper, consider yourself one of
the chosen people. It is the most

significant compliment any person

can give another.