Physics

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you
were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'

An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.
The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.
The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time.
One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.
What is the difference?
One cat has a greater mew.

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this
train?
http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/physicsjokes.html
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving
away from you are red.
There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals. Please write to your congressman to repeal
Newton's third law.
Jupiter Scientific is pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign,
recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:
WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to
be associated with effect.
NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the
extra six dimensions.
HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.
NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this
glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the
product has resulted from glue failure.
DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.
LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since
being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible.
Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.
NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if
Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 1 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

directly observed.
HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely
high speeds.
EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under
no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case
of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.
GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a
limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are
in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.
IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it
does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User
mishandling in this regard.
QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in
other products of the Manufacturer.
DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product
may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such
mysterious disappearances.
AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the
universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.
USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.

Chem
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:
Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see?
A: A mole of molasses.

General Math/Science
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.
How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Q:What do you get when you cross a chicken and a turkey?
A:(Chicken)(turkey) sine theta!
Q:What do you get when you cross a chicken and a rock climber?
A:You silly! A rock climber is a scalar!!

Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 2 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

Engineering

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and

scientists can never earn as much as business executives,
sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts
majors." This theorem can now be supported by a
mathematical equation based on the following two well
known postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.

Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work / Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches
infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were
discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up and everything inside is
numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in
alphabetical order."
Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 3 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open

them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're
heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass
are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always
understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end."
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An
intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and
grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong
place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and
was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began
designing and building improvements. After a while, the
underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and
escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty
popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked
with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next."

Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 4 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've

got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have
gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer
on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the
way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send
him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer
scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to
discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor
pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created
Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so
therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the
Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos,
and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil
engineering example ever, and also proved that his
profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with
a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created
the chaos?"

You might be an engineer if . . .

Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 5 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.

. . . you enjoy pain.
. . . you know vector calculus but you cant remember how
to do long division.
. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says centrifugal force.
. . . youve actually ever used every single function on your
graphing calculator.
. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering
major.
. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are
working on a computer.
. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to MacGyver.
. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.
. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the
derivative of water.
. . . you think in math.
. . . youve calculated that the World Series actually
diverges.
. . . you hesitate to look at something because you dont
want to break down its wave function.
. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.
. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 6 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because

you actually performed the Schroedingers Cat
Experiment.
. . . you can translate English into Binary.
. . . you cant remember whats behind the door in the
science building which says "Exit.
. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of
summer, because theres a wind-chill factor in the lab.
. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.
. . . you avoid doing anything because you dont want to
contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
. . . you consider any non-science course easy.
. . . when your professor asks you where your homework
is, you claim to have accidentally determined its
momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it
could be anywhere in the universe.
. . . the fun center of your brain has deteriorated from
lack of use.
. . . youll assume that a horse is a sphere in order to
make the math easier.
. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.
. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your
office door.
. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message
to all of your friends in the form of email.
Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 7 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty;
it's simply twice as big as it needs to be.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have a contract to build a fence around a
flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits
around the flock.
The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines
himself as being outside.
Three guys, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer were out in the woods on a
scouting expedition. When all of a sudden, something quickly began to run through the
brush.
The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer.
The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously
solved problem.
The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer. Therefore, it was a deer.
Computer
The software box read: "Requires Windows 95, or better." So I bought a Macintosh.

A More Accurate Computer Term Dictionary

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G4: Apple's new Macs that make you say, "Gee, it's four times faster than the computer
I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer
and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a
Syntax Error.

Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 8 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Laptop Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on
vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
486: The average I.Q. needed to understand a PC.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St.
Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to
Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost
every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 98. I'm going to do
something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you
want to go."
Bill asked, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to
let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" wondered Gates. "I'll leave that up to you." Answered
St. Peter. "Okay then." said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and
lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking
about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is
great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St.
Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and
singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and
rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was
doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming among hot
flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?"
St. Peter asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This
is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What
Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 9 of 10

File: /var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc

happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women
playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Quite a number of years ago, Abraham wanted to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.
Isaac was incredulous. "Pop," he said, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow
386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 MB of
memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95."
But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide
the RAM, my son."

Printed on 07/21/15 at 05:02 AM

Page 10 of 10 File:

/var/www/apps/conversion/tmp/scratch_3/277079452.doc