Shabbat-B'Shabbato

Parshat Devarim
9 Av 5775 (25 July 2015)
AS SHABBAT APPROACHES
Look how She Sat Alone - by Rabbi Mordechai Greenberg,
Rosh Yeshiva, Kerem B'Yavne
"The Holy One, Blessed be He, said: 'I said, And Yisrael dwelt in
security, in solitude, like Yaacov' [Devarim 33:28]. Now let them
dwell in a place alone." [Sanhedrin 104].
Yisrael is characterized by the trait, "G-d alone will guide them, and
there will be no other god with him" [Devarim 32:12]. The Ramban
discusses this at length in the Torah portion of Acharei Mot. The
Holy One, Blessed be He, divided the various lands among different
nations, and appointed an angel who was a governor for each one.
And that is why G-d is called "the G-d of gods and the master of the
masters," since He rules over all the governors. But with respect to
the nation of Yisrael in Eretz Yisrael, "He did not appoint any
governor from among the angels," and He leads them himself. As is
written, "And I will be a G-d for you" [Yirmiyahu 11:14] there will
be no other gods at all.
This trait of exclusive Divine guidance continues while we are in exile
too, even though it might seem at first glance that when we are in
exile G-d does not protect us in His tent of peace, and His guidance
is not revealed. But it is still written, "How she sat alone" [Eicha 1:1]
G-d alone will guide them.
"Who is standing behind our wall, looking from the windows,
peeping through the crevices?" [Shir Hashirim 2:9]. It sometimes
happens that a child will play outside of the home, while its mother
leans on the windowsill and makes sure that nobody interferes with
her son. However, at other times she might close the shutters and
continue watching through the slits. From the mother's point of view
nothing has changed, and she can see everything that she was able to
see just as before, but those who are standing outside have the
impression that the mother has left the scene and is no longer
watching, and they can therefore take advantage of the situation and
bother the child.
In the era of the Temple, the Holy One, Blessed be He, protects us
from the open windows, and everybody can see Him. "And all the
nations will see that the name of G-d is proclaimed over you, and
they will fear you" [Devarim 28:10]. But when the shutters are closed,
at a time when G-d is hidden, "And I will hide My face on that day"
[31:18], when His face is not visible in the window, they get the
impression that He is no longer there. However, in truth nothing has
changed for us, and He sees and supervises just like before. Even
when we dwell alone, "G-d alone will watch over us."
There is even more to this. Specifically at the time when G-d is
hidden, our awareness of His supervision grows stronger. When we
look at the miracle of the survival of our nation, a sheep among
seventy wolves, we can think of what Rabbi Yaacov Emden wrote in
his Siddur:

"I swear that when I look at these wonders, they seem more
remarkable than all of the miracles and wonders which G-d
performed for our forefathers in Egypt, in the desert, and in Eretz
Yisrael. And the longer the exile lasts, the more we are convinced by
this miracle, and we become more and more aware of the power of
His actions and His strength."
The Sefat Emet wrote with respect to Tisha B'Av which is on
Shabbat that in general the purpose of Shabbat is to show that the
nation of Yisrael is under the protection of the Holy One, Blessed be
He. "It is an eternal sign between me and the Children of Yisrael"
[Shemot 31:17]. And the unique supervision of Yisrael continues
even during a time of exile. Therefore, when the Ninth of Av is on
Shabbat we do not fast, because the fast would be a sign of morning
for the Temple, as if to imply that G-d is no longer watching over us.
However, on Shabbat we are not alone, and there is no need to fast.
POINT OF VIEW
The Third Temple will not be Destroyed- by Rabbi Yisrael
Rozen, Dean of the Zomet Institute
Is that Right? It will not Happen?
Today (the ninth of Av) is the anniversary of when the Second
Temple was destroyed - 1,945 years ago. It is also 2,601 years after
the destruction of the First Temple. During the last two weeks, in the
wake of the signing of the "nuclear treaty" between Iran and the
superpowers, the phrase "the Destruction of the Third Temple"
has bubbled up into the national topics of discussion, in view of
the Iranian threat to destroy Israel. And our Prime Minister is indeed
doing the best he can (which is quite good) to fight against the whole
world, and to tear away the mask from the face of this agreement,
which is so reminiscent of the agreement signed by Neville
Chamberlain, the British Prime Minister before The Second world
War.
The declaration/faith that "No destruction of the Third Temple will
take place" is not a clear statement by our sages, although there are
hints in the Midrash that point to it and Midrashic interpretations
which have a similar theme. This wording of the slogan has been
attributed to Rabbi Yitzchak Isaac Herzog, the Chief Rabbi of
Israel during the Holocaust and the establishment of the State of
Israel. In 1941, Rabbi Herzog returned to Eretz Yisrael from the
United States in spite of the advice of friends and relatives. He said,
"We have a tradition that there will not be a third destruction!" S.
Avidor reports in his biography of Rabbi Herzog ("Unique in his
Generation") that the rabbi often made this declaration during the
years of the Holocaust. "I declare publicly that no enemy oppressor
will come through the gates of Eretz Yisrael. It is accepted in our
tradition that after the first two times that the Temple was destroyed
there will not be a third destruction." He repeated the theme in
Rechovot in the year 1943: "Have no fear, do not be terrified, do not
let your spirit be broken. Our prophets promised us that we have

suffered two destructions in the past, and a third destruction

will not take place!"
When the horrible Yom Kippur War broke out, in the gloomy
atmosphere of approaching doom in the country, Moshe Dayan, the
Minister of Defense at the time, wanted to make a broadcast to the
nation on a theme of "Destruction of the Third Temple," but
Golda Meir, the Prime Minister, intervened and blocked Dayan, and
rightly so.
This statement, that no third destruction will take place, in spite of
the fact that it is deeply rooted in the words of the sages and the
masters of Chassidut, is not a prophecy and is not sealed with the
ring of the Master of the Universe. Its main purpose is to serve as
encouragement and to give strength, and to blow away the clouds of
black smoke which are peeping out from over the horizon. The same
can be said for the famous declaration by Rabbi Mordechai
Eliyahu, which he made on the eve of the expulsion from Gush
Katif (the region of Azza): "It will not happen!" It was not a
prophecy which led to disappointment and not a false prophecy.
Such statements are made out of a feeling of the depths of faith.
However, the faith in the eternity is Yisrael and in the G-d of Yisrael
does not depend on physical events of any kind...

the fires, and the gold became hot and the wood of the gates
burned and they fell to the ground. And the Holy of Holies was
opened up, in plain view of everybody, on the ninth day of the
fifth month... And Titus ran with all his might, to try to
extinguish the flames over the Holy of Holies, but he could not
do so because of the large multitude who were burning and
destroying the area. And Titus shouted to them to cease, but
they did not listen or pay attention to him... Titus was crying
out and screaming, but nobody listened. And he took out his
sword, and many of them died that day... Titus cried out until
he was hoarse, but they would not listen to him... He became
weary and he fell to the ground without any strength. And it
happened after the Holy of Holies was burned, Titus rose up
and came to the Holy of Holies, and he saw the glory of the
house and its magnificence, and he believed that this was the
House of G-d, and that it was the dwelling place of the G-d of
heaven.
[Yosefus, Chapter 94].
THE LIGHT STARTS IN THE EAST
"Study Well and Do Research" by Chezi Cohen, Yeshivat
Maaleh Gilboa and Midreshet Ein Hanatziv

"Jew Boy!"
Mari Yichya Kapach
Let us return to the vapors of uranium wafting from the modern
centrifuges, and to the heroic battle being fought by our Prime
Minister all over the globe to prevent the destruction of the Third
Temple. In spite of various personal faults and behavioral
weaknesses, it seems to me that nobody else is better equipped to
carry the banner of national advocacy to the gates of the other
nations. We are in the midst of a tough and stubborn battle on this
front, and it is quite unfortunate that Zionist MK's are sending out
strong criticism of the Prime Minister's "foreign policy with respect
to the Iranians." They are "selling their national souls" for reasons of
cheap and petty politics, and they are weakening our position,
especially against the United States. In my eyes, the best title for
these people is "Yehudon" a "Jew Boy" which in this case
implies lowly and contemptible traitorous acts.
As the Ninth of Av approaches, I am reminded (by association only,
not directly connected to our topic of discussion) of the historic
example of the "Jew Boy," Yosephus Ben Matityahu, who
contributed his oral and written skills to his Roman masters. There is
indeed controversy about whether he was a traitor or not, but the title
"Jew Boy" suits him well, as a spokesman in the service of those who
destroyed the Second Temple. Here is part of his dramatic
description of how Titus tried with all his might to save the
Temple and how he fought valiantly against his own Roman army
and their effort to burn it down:

And, behold, when Titus saw the Holy of Holies, he had pity on
it and he respected it. And Titus commanded his people not to
touch the Holy of Holies. He said to them: "Whoever
approaches the Holy of Holies will be put to death!" And he
appointed powerful men to guard it... However, the Roman
ministers replied, saying to him: "If you do not burn down this
house, you will not be able to conquer the people." But Titus
refused to listen to their advice on this matter... And the next
day, the Romans gathered around and set fires all around the
Holy of Holies. They took beams and placed them on the
golden gates of the Holy of Holies, and they ignited them with

"Study well, research, and you will acquire knowledge." This quote
aptly summarizes the unique approach of Mari ("my teacher") Yichya
Kapach (1850-1931), who was a "Chacham Bashi" a community
leader recognized by the Turkish government and was called the
"Elderly Teacher" by his students. He was one of those who fought
valiantly for the return of the Judaism of Yemen to its ancient roots.
Rabbi Yichya Kapach had a rationalistic approach, and he called for a
return to the Yemenite traditions, based on the approach of the
Rambam. He encouraged searching for ancient manuscripts and
analysis of various texts of the Talmud and the commentators,
combined with logical analysis of the written material. In his Beit
Midrash he taught Talmud and the basic books of Jewish philosophy
that were written in Arabic, such as the Moreh Nevuchim and
Emunot V'Deiot. He established a movement in the spirit of the
enlightenment by the name of "Darda'im," from the phrase "Dor
Dei'ah" a generation of knowledge which believed that knowledge
should be at the center of the studies. It worked to uproot folk beliefs
and customs based on the Kabbalah, and fought against the study of
the Zohar and the Kabbalah, which it saw as irrational and contrary
to the natural truth of Judaism. Mari Kapach wrote books on the
subject (such as "Milchamot Hashem"). Placing understanding in the
center led Rabbi Kapach to oppose mystical approaches which view
the Torah and its mitzvot as secrets which are beyond our
comprehension and through problematic folk customs.
Most of the wise men of Yemen, as led by Chief Rabbi Yichya
Yitzchak Halevi, opposed the approach of the Darda'im. This group
was called "Ikshim," because they stubbornly insisted on accepting the
Kabbalah and the Zohar. Mari Kapach supported modern
innovations, especially in education. In Sanaa he established a school
which combined secular and holy studies, which was headed by his
son, Rabbi David Kapach. Mari Kapach taught many students, the
most famous one being Rabbi Yosef Kapach, who became an orphan
at a young age and who was raised in his grandfather's house.

His slogan, "Study well, research, and you will acquire knowledge," is
an expression of the strong desire to analyze things based on logic.
As far as he was concerned, a person must make every effort to
understand the Torah in depth and not to be satisfied with a
statement that it is tradition and cannot be understood. As far as he
was concerned, the study of Torah requires hard work and an
intellectual effort, and this is not an easy task.
******

There was a custom in Yemen called "Sayir Aldam" (spill the

blood). Anybody who built a new house (or suffered from a
serious sickness) would slaughter a cow and distribute its meat
to poor people, as a form of retribution. This was done in the
belief that there were demons living in the house, and that they
would harm the inhabitants unless they were placated.
In his youth, Rabbi Kapach learned the Mishna, "If one
slaughters an animal in the name of mountains, in the name of
seas, in the name of rivers, or in the name of deserts his ritual
slaughtering is invalid." [Chulin 2:8]. He wanted to stop the
custom of Sayir Aldam, claiming that it was idol worship, and a
stormy argument developed in the Beit Midrash. Those in favor
of the custom declared, "This is a custom of our fathers, how
can we say that they were wrong?" Mari Kapach replied with a
quote from the Rambam: "No custom can allow one to do what
is forbidden, rather it can only forbid something that is
permitted" [Hilchot Shevitat Assor 3:3]. The dispute became
heated, and the Rosh Yeshiva, Rabbi Korach, supported Rabbi
Kapach's view. In the end, everybody agreed to this. However,
when a vote was taken it was decided not to interfere with the
regular custom, because of the principle that "It is better that
they do something wrong innocently than that they do it on
purpose" [Shabbat 148b].
******
This story describes a very harsh dispute in the Beit Midrash. Mari
Kapach is a young man, but his voice rings out. His position is sharp
and clear. He strongly maintains his opinion, and he views the folk
custom as having an element of idol worship. Rabbi Kapach pursues
the truth at any cost. At first he stands alone against many, but with
his enthusiasm he manages to convince the Chief Rabbi and then all
the others that he is right. They tell him that this is an accepted
custom, but he responds with a passage from the Rambam. The fact
that he quotes the Rambam is not by chance. As noted above, Mari
Kapach would later lead a return to the study of the Rambam and his
rulings as the exclusive source to obligate the Jews of Yemen. The
mention of the Rambam also supports his rationalistic approach,
which attempts to establish a logical basis for Judaism. And on this
specific issue, Mari Kapach was indeed following in the footsteps of
the Rambam.
In the end, the wise men retreat from their opinion, claiming that the
community is not ready for change, and that the people might
continue the custom on purpose even after they have been taught
that it is forbidden. Evidently it is not only the community but also
the rabbinical leaders who are not ready for change. The story
exemplifies the story of the Jewish population of Yemen, which
hesitated between two approaches the Darda'im and the Ikshim.
e-mail: hhcohen4@gmail.com (I will be happy to hear any stories you
have about the wise men of the east.)

HALACHA FROM THE SOURCE

Havdalah at the End of Shabbat, when Tisha B'Av Begins - by
Rabbi Yosef Tzvi Rimon, Director of the Center for Teaching
and Halacha and a Teacher in Yeshivat Har Etzion
This year, the Ninth of Av is on Sunday, which means that the fast
begins at night, when Shabbat comes to an end. How can we recite
Havdalah to mark the end of Shabbat? We can add the special section
for the end of Shabbat in the Amidah prayer, as we do every week,
but we cannot drink any wine. What should we do on this special
Shabbat?
The author of Halachot Gedolot (2) discusses a suggestion of reciting
the Havdalah on Shabbat, after the "Pelag" a time when it is still
day. (Clearly, the blessing for a candle will not be recited.) At this
point there is no problem reciting the blessing for the wine.
However, he rejects this idea, since the fasting would have to start
right after Havdalah, and fasting while it is still Shabbat is forbidden.
When should Havdalah be Recited?
In practice, the early commentators present three alternatives about
how to recite the Havdalah at the end of this special Shabbat. One
method was proposed by the Geonim, who feel that Havdalah is
recited at the end of the day Sunday, after the fast is over. This is also
accepted by the Tosafot: "On Tisha B'Av that occurs after Shabbat
our custom is to recite Havdalah after the fast, and this is what is
written in the Siddur of Rav Amram Gaon" [Pesachim 107a].
This method was accepted by many early commentators (Halachot
Gedolot, ibid; Machzor Vitri, 267; RAVIA 2, 522).
A second alternative is that Havdalah should be recited right after
Shabbat, and that the wine should be given to a child to drink. This
appears in the Sefer Hamanhig (Tisha B'Av 21), who explains that
we are not afraid that the child will become accustomed to drinking
on Tisha B'Av, because the fast does not usually occur right after
Shabbat, certainly not every year. However, the Meiri feels (Taanit
30b) that there is a fear that the child will become accustomed to
drinking on Tisha B'Av. The Ramban also objected to this idea
(Torat Ha'adam, Aveilut Yeshana, 111).
The third alternative is a method proposed by the Ramban (ibid),
the Rashba (Responsa of the Rashba, 1:117), the Ritva (Taanit 30a;
Succah 54b), and others. They feel that when the fast begins at the
end of Shabbat Havdalah should not be recited at all, not at the end
of Shabbat and not Sunday night.
Their reasoning is that since it was not possible to recite the
Havdalah right after Shabbat the prayer is cancelled completely for
that week. On a regular Shabbat, if a person forgets to recite the
Havdalah right after Shabbat he can still do so until Tuesday, because
he became obligated at the end of Shabbat and he can therefore
compensate for the missing prayer. However, if a person is relieved
from any obligation to recite the Havdalah at the end of Shabbat
(because of the fast day), there is no meaning to make up for any
missing prayer. (The Ramban adds that we may assume that the
original decree to recite the Havdalah included a clause that the
prayer would not be required at all when Shabbat comes right before
Tisha B'Av.)
Havdalah during Mourning

There is a similar disagreement with respect to a person who is an

"onan" as Shabbat ends (one who is in mourning for a person who
died but has not yet been buried). Is he required to recite Havdalah
on Sunday, once the period of being an onan has passed? (See
ROSH, Berachot 3b.) According to the R"I, since as Shabbat ended
he was not obligated to recite the Havdalah, he no longer has a
mitzva to do so, but according to the Maharam he is required to
recite the Havdalah on Sunday.
Simply put, the R"I feels that the proper time for Havdalah is at the
end of Shabbat, and the fact that it can sometimes be delayed until
Tuesday is a special rule that if Havdalah is missed it can be recited to
make up for the missing prayer. Thus, an onan, who was not
obligated by the mitzva at the end of Shabbat, is not required to make
up for the missing prayer. According to the Maharam, on the other
hand, the time for Havdalah is really until Tuesday. Therefore even
an onan, who was not obligated right after Shabbat, must recite the
prayer on Sunday, since when he finishes his status of being an
"onan" he becomes obligated to recite the Havdalah.
At first glance, we might say that the opinion of the Maharam is the
basis for the approach that the Havdalah should be recited as Shabbat
ends, on Tisha B'Av (since the Havdalah is not recited to make up for
a missed prayer but rather because this is the proper time), and the
opinion of the R"I could be the basis for the ruling of the Ramban.
Since on Tisha B'Av it is not possible to recite the Havdalah, the
prayer itself is cancelled, and there is no need to recite it on Sunday,
at the end of the fast.
However, there is a clear difference between the status of an onan
and the fast of Tisha B'Av. The onan is released from all obligation to
perform the mitzvot, including the mitzva of Havdalah, and he
therefore cannot recite the prayer after his status of onen is over. But
regular mourning does not release a person from the mitzvot, and
therefore on the eve of Tisha B'Av the person was in principle
required to recite the Havdalah but was not able to do so for
technical reasons, since he was not allowed to drink. Thus, the person
was obligated by the mitzva at the end of Shabbat, and he should
perform it when he can, Sunday night, in order to compensate for the
missing blessing! What could be the reasoning of the Ramban, who
did compare the status of an onan and a person on Tisha B'Av?
Rabbi Soloveitchik explains this issue in a beautiful way. The main
purpose of the Havdalah is not to mark the end of Shabbat but rather
to separate between the Shabbat meal and the weekday meals. Just as
the Shabbat meals begin with Kiddush, so the meals of the weekdays
begin with Havdalah. According to this approach, we can say that the
Ramban feels that since the end of this particular Shabbat is not
suitable for eating, the mitzva of Havdala has been cancelled
completely! The inability to drink is not a minor technical issue with
respect to the reciting of the Havdalah, it is a fault in the very essence
of the ritual. If eating and drinking is impossible, the entire basis for
reciting the Havdalah has been removed! Therefore, the mitzva of
Havdalah has been cancelled completely, and it should not be
performed at the end of the fast.
In Practice
The Shulchan Aruch rules (556:1) that the Havdalah should be
recited on Sunday, at the end of Tisha B'Av. Even though the Radbaz
disagrees with this ruling (2:642) and writes that one should not say
the Havdalah at all (and other recent rabbis agree), the accepted
practice is to follow the ruling of the Shulchan Aruch and to recite

the Havdalah on Sunday night. This was also accepted by the Levush
(556), Alya Rabba (4), Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (125:6), Chayei Adam
(126:6), Torat Hamoadim (9:2), and others.
In any case, as noted above, one should add the special "Atta
chonantanu" prayer in the Amida at the end of Shabbat. (If one forgets
he does not have to repeat his prayer, because he can rely on the
Havdalah with wine that will be recited with the blessing on Sunday
night.)
Women: Women who do not pray Maariv should be reminded to
recite the phrase, "Baruch hamavdil Blessed is He who differentiates
between the holy and the profain..." (without mentioning G-d's
name), see Mishna Berura 556:2. Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach
felt that it would be best for women to pray Maariv on this specific
Shabbat including Atta chonantanu. In any case, a woman who is not
able to pray should at least recite "Baruch hamavdil," as noted above.
THE CLEAR VISION OF RAV KOOK
The Day the Sun was Extinguished - by Rabbi Hagay Lundin,
Hesder Yeshiva in Sdeirot and Machon Meir
The destruction of the Temple was not just a local tragedy, the ruin
of a magnificent synagogue. The day of the destruction of the
Temple marks for Judaism the day when the world changed. It is the
day that the sun was extinguished.
During the time of the First Temple, life and holiness were linked
together in a natural way, and a person could "flow" within the
physical world without any fear. During the time of King Shlomo,
which is considered the "golden age" of the First Temple Era, the
Tanach gives us amazing descriptions of a powerful life: "And
behold, Shlomo's bread for one day was made from thirty measures
of fine flour and sixty measures of flour" [Melachim I 5:2]. "Silver
was not considered valuable at all in the days of Shlomo" [10:21]. The
descriptions give a feeling of remarkable powers of life an army, the
economy, art, and esthetics. Chapter after chapter are devoted to the
fine details of the magnificent architectures of the Palace and of the
Temple, Shlomo's army, his merchants, and his stables. The
characteristic description was the following: "Yehuda and Yisrael
were as numerous as the sand at the sea, spending their time eating
and drinking... as numerous as the sand at the sea eating, drinking,
and being happy." [4:20]. Sanctity appears intertwined with the
secular, and the secular is an expression of holiness.
However, all of this stopped with the end of the First Temple.
During the destruction, "an iron fence was created between Yisrael
and their Father in Heaven" [Berachot 32b]. "From the day that the
Temple was destroyed there was no day that was not cursed, the dew
was not the source of any blessing, and the fruits had no taste" [Sotta
48a]. In other words, when this happened, life lost its vitality. We
entered an era where there was a constant war between the secular
and the holy, between the physical and the spiritual. This struggle
continues to this day. The spiritual world, which in the time of the
Temple was tangible and intertwined with the physical one, became
nebulous and full of doubts, and physical reality became the only
aspect of life which was considered to be a real dimension.
Deep analysis shows us that all the tribulations in the world today
the struggle between various forces which in the end leads to largescale wars, tensions, and crises in all dimensions, for both individuals
and a community stem solely from a lack of balance between the

spiritual and the physical worlds. This balance was lost when the
Temple was destroyed.
The Ninth of Av is indeed the saddest day of the year. It is a day
when we do not eat, we do not drink, and we observe the customs of
mourning. The sages even forbid us from studying anything in the
Torah that is not directly connected to the subject of the destruction
(this is based on the assumption that other subjects in Torah learning
can make us feel happy). On the Ninth of Av we even put limits on
our regular prayers. This all has a single purpose: to keep in mind and
to internalize that the world in which we live is a world that lacks
something. As soon as we can understand what is missing, the
possibility opens up for us to get on the right track to recover that
which we have lost. And indeed quite a bit has been lost.
STRAIGHT TALK
You Want Weddings? Get to Work! - by Rabbi Yoni Lavie,
Manager, "Chaverim Makshivim" Website
What is there that has not yet been said about the phenomenon of
late marriages? Why does it happen, who is responsible, what effect
does it have on the community, how much blame do the unmarried
people themselves share for the situation? There is no possibility that
you have escaped reading somewhere about some learned analyses
and some comprehensive research, emotional interviews, or
surprising insights. After all, this is indeed a burning issue, and there
is no reasonable solution in sight. Thousands of charming unmarried
men and women are still looking for beloved mates, and our hearts
go out to them in pain for their solitude and their expectations.
In the following list we are not making any attempt to give you novel
insights or to propose original solutions of our own. We will merely
share with you eighteen simple guidelines. If even a small number of
our readers adopt one or two of these suggestions, there is a good
chance that by next year we will have triggered some new happy
marriages.
(1) "I don't know how to do this" Just get rid of the mistaken
idea that some special skills are needed in order to be a matchmaker.
An infinite number of successful couples met as a result of
spontaneous initiatives of regular people like you and me, people who
have never earned any university degree in matchmaking. Do you
have a good idea? Go ahead, move it along. And do it today!
(2) Overcome any obstacles in the way Many great ideas for
potential matches have not been put into effect for silly reasons. "I
didn't have the girl's phone number... I phoned him to propose a
meeting, but his phone was constantly busy... It really looks
promising to me, but I suppose she will not want him because he is
different / he is two years younger than she is
..." (Why should you decide for her? Maybe you should just ask her
and let her make her own decision!)

(5) Community responsibility Every community should choose

one or two people to take responsibility for its unmarried young men
and women. They can prepare an organized list of all the candidates,
and they can look for ways to help them. Communities with many
young people should organize appropriate activities, such as Torah
lectures combined with social events, to provide opportunities for
meeting new people.
(6) Define a family goal Every family should choose one
unmarried young man and woman, and make a concerted effort for
each of them to be married by the end of the year.
(7) Dating sites Get rid of the stigma which is currently attached
to getting to know somebody through the internet. It is possible there
to find many people who are of high quality, Torah-true, and
charming too. An ever growing number of today's weddings are the
result of acquaintances made through the internet.
(8) Try "www.shoshvinim.org" (friends of the bride and groom)
This is a website not for single people themselves but for anybody
who is looking for a match for a relative or a friend.
(9) Professional matchmakers There are many gifted and
dedicated people who work in this field. Some of them have
successfully arranged dozens of matches. It is best to agree on paying
an initial fee if that is requested, but there is no reason to agree in
advance to outlandish payments if the match is successful.
(10) Price for matchmaking Anybody who succeeds in finding a
match should expect to pay a fair price to the matchmaker (this
includes somebody who does not do this as a profession but arranged
a successful match). If there would be general agreement of a
payment of NIS 5,000 for every successful match, many more people
would gladly get involved in this matter. If a young couple would
know that if they are successful in getting a match for a friend of
theirs they will be given a payment that will cover two months of the
rent on their apartment, they will have a real incentive to make time
for the work.
(11) Change course Men and women who have met more people
in dates than the number of books in the Tanach are warmly advised
to stop and get their act together. They should analyze their own
behavior in meetings before they go blithely on to their next date.
Whatever didn't work in their first thirty or more attempts probably
has a small chance of working in the next thirty or sixty meetings.
There are excellent advisors about such matters who can help analyze
the situation in one or two meetings, suggesting what behavior has
blocked going ahead in the past, and pointing out issues that should
be corrected.

(3) Don't give up Did you call a man with a suggestion, and his
answer was that he is just starting to date somebody? No problem.
Write a reminder in your diary to call him back in two weeks and see
what is happening. If you have a good idea, it is a shame to let it slide
by...

(12) Give it a chance Don't reject anything in advance because of

branding / because the suggestion was proposed by a very irritating
aunt or by a person "who does not really know me" / because the girl
didn't glow with a brilliant shine after we talked for five minutes. A
very large number of precious opportunities were rejected out of
hand because of hasty judgement. Anybody who is willing to take a
chance who is willing to listen, check things out, and try to get
involved in greater depth might well profit in a huge way.

(4) The institutional matchmaker Every yeshiva, high school, or

ulpana should employ one person who will have responsibility to
help graduates find a match. This has been instituted in several
places, and it has been quite successful.

(13) A good thing from the past Three years ago, you dated
somebody, but it ended after two meetings (you can't remember
why...). Just now you met her at some function, and she was not
wearing a ring. Perhaps you should reconsider? Could it be that what

seemed not to be suitable then will be okay today? There are many
stories of couples who did not click on their first meeting, which
ended very quickly, but in the end five years later or more got
married and are very happy today.
(14) Learn from experience Did you meet somebody who was
not suitable? Don't talk only to her. Get in touch with the one who
suggested that you meet and explain exactly how she differed from
what you are really looking for. Perhaps the matchmaker will do
better next time.
(15) Pass the information on Did you meet somebody and you
didn't feel anything special? That very evening, take your phone in
hand and check through your entire list of bachelor friends. See if she
could be good for one of them.
(16) Initiative Did you see a nice young man in the synagogue?
Don't wait for him to knock on your door. Show some initiative,
check him out, use your phone to get some information, try to find
somebody who can introduce you to him. When one is involved in
such a great mitzva, this is no time to be ashamed.
(17) Pray Write down the names of three single men and women
whom you care about and mention them in your prayers every day.
(18) Make a choice Now, if you have gone over the above list,
what is left is for you to choose one or two items to adopt.
Do you have any other ideas? Write to me: yonilavi10@gmail.com
For reactions, added material, and to join an e-mail list: milatova.org.il

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