SCRIPTED

Pilot Episode: ("Exposition")

Written by
Michael Flamank

michaelflamank@gmail.com
(647)461-0563

TEASER
1

EXT. BORDER OF HEAVEN - DAY

An endless sea of knee-hugging cloud. Bright rays of
sun. Into each horizon stretches a gold fence punctuated
only by a set of PEARLY GATES, a podium and a gentle old
man.
TITLE CARD IN LOWER THIRD WRITTEN IN COURIER NEW:
EXT. BORDER OF HEAVEN - DAY
ST. PETER, a bored secretary at his post, peruses a MAGAZINE
("Cosmo-Angel"). He scratches nose and clears throat. But
as his next page falls he notices a soft rumble has begun in
the distance and is starting to swell. Strange... He
glances up to spot the source whenVROOOM! FWOOSH! CRASH!
A MILITARY TANK blasts by, smashes through the GATES and
litters PEARLS in all directions!

INT. TANK - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: INT. TANK - CONTINUOUS
MASON [20s, white, hair ruffled] dressed in a full body
(what looks to be blood-stained) DINOSAUR SUIT grits his
teeth apologetically. Beside him a small gray CHINCHILLA
hops with excitement. Using an EARPIECE hes able to speak
to his friend.
MASON
Ah- okay Im in, whats your
status?

INT. HEAVENS CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE UP on a mans face: pale, writhing and wriggling. A
pair of milky WINGS twitch behind him. He gurgles. Then...
SNAP! His features go limp.
As the body falls from frame, ANDRE is revealed [20s, black,
stubble, short dreads]. He sports a skin tight BODY SUIT,
GOOGLE GLASS across the face and a LASER CANNON strapped to
his arm. In a long, impossibly white hallway he catches his
breath over the ANGEL hes just murdered.
TITLE CARD: INT. HEAVENS CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE BUILDING CONTINUOUS

2.

ANDRE
(passive aggressive)
Not ideal.
4

INT. TANK - CONTINUOUS

MASON
Perhaps if we tried explaining to
them-

INT. HEAVENS CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

ANDRE
What? How were blowing up heaven?
Andre begins to charge his cannon and aim it at a wall.

INT. TANK - CONTINUOUS

MASON
(cringing)
Oh god...
ANDRE (O.S.)
Not for long!
An explosion is muffled through Masons headset.

INT. HEAVENS CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

Andre steps through a smoldering hole in the wall and is
confronted by several ANGELS in hand-to-hand combat. He
paces his conversation and punches accordingly while his
weapon recharges.
MASON (O.S.)
I just think throwing a bomb like
this at them willANDRE
(to self)
Ugh! Whys this thing take so long
to reload.
(to Mason)
Will what? Have no revolutions?
Wait... revelations? I should know
this-

3.

INT. TANK - CONTINUOUS

MASON
(correcting)
Resolutions!
ANDRE (O.S.)
Whatever!A zap is heard muffled through the headset.

INT. HEAVENS CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

A pile of angels brutally missing heads lay in the b.g. with
blood spattered across the wall. Andre is breathless again.
MEDIUM SHOT NARROWS TO CLOSE UP on Andre as he moves toward
camera holding a finger to his GOOGLE GLASS. Score
intensifies.
ANDRE
Besides theres too much to explain
and its not like we can just
"flashback" everything, were notSMASH CUT TO:

10

EXT. CITY STREET - AFTERNOON

TITLE CARD IN LOWER THIRD: EXT. CITY STREET - AFTERNOON
TITLE CARD IN CENTER MIDDLE THIRD: 82 DAYS EARLIER
Mason and Andre, in casual wear, stroll through an urban
neighborhood. A chirping of birds replaces the swelling
music as we drop in mid-conversation. Mason is clearly
zoned out.
ANDRE
-The Matrix! And thats the thing
about the trilogyMASON
Huh?
ANDRE
-is who would want to be unplugged?
(beat)
Mason?

4.

MASON
Sorry. Head in the clouds, you
were saying...
ANDRE
Matrix provides unlimited food,
shelter, cuties and its 99! You
gettin Chilli Peppers in the
prime. Morpheus: basically trying
to get rid of heaven.
MASON
Which is something you wouldnt do?
Beat.
ANDRE
Never.
TITLE SEQUENCE (:10)

5.

ACT ONE
11

EXT. CITY STREET - ESTABLISHING - AFTERNOON

We PUSH IN from a WIDE SHOT showcasing the neighborhood at
roof level. There are flavors of old gritty Brooklyn and
bright saturated San Fransisco. The citys left ambiguous.
MASON (O.S.)
So you wouldnt want to know youre
in The Matrix?
MEDIUM SHOT of Andre and Mason where we last left them.
TITLE CARD: EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
ANDRE
Nah Im just saying its cool for
Neo, pulled from his Travis Bickle
Office Space jam to be a Jesus
sequelMASON
(half listening)
Sure, Space JamANDRE
But what if you have a wife, kids
an like one of those terriers that
fetches slippers? Mase you know
how hard it is to teach a dog to
fetch slips?
MASON
[chuckles] Easy when youre not
accusing them of racism?
ANDRE
Hey not my fault they see in black
and white.
MASON (O.S.)
So then what? Youd sell me out?
Your own brothaANDRE
(hard "r")
Foster brother.
MASON
To-

6.

ANDRE
Be plugged back in as like a Jamie
Foxx? Hell ya! Zions codes
woulda been tweeted, instad an
slapped on the side of a damn bus
by now.
MASON
Ruthless.
ANDRE
Oh an you full of "ruth?"
MASON
(incredulously)
Uh ya. I am. Take this girl...
A BARISTA GIRL is bent over, struggling to lift a BOX from
delivery truck to her coffee shop.
MASON
Youd walk right by herANDRE
Itd be the right thing to do.
MASON
Not if youre this guy.
(to Barista Girl)
Hey let me help you withMason swoops in beside Barista Girl and lifts the box.
bottom collapses spilling loose COFFEE BEANS.

The

BARISTA GIRL
Youve got to be kidding m- Mason!?
MASON
(recognizes her)
Oh god damn it...
ANDRE
See ya shoulda(sees who Barista Girl is)
Oh shhhh!- ah hey Kylie...
Barista Girl, KYLIE [20s, black, confident, mini-fro] in
espresso bar SMOCK ("Coffeebucks").
KYLIE
(irritated)
What are you doing here!? You
dont even live around here!

7.
MASON
What am I?- What are youdo you work here?

ANDRE
Contrived coincidence?

KYLIE
Ya Mase, not that you care anymore
but my parents threw me outMASON
Understandable-

ANDRE
(suspicious)
Makes three of us-

KYLIE
For doing too well at being well
off.
MASON
(mumbled)
There go the similarities.
KYLIE
So since everyone does barsANDRE
(begrudgingly)
Fact.
KYLIE
I got a job here.
ANDRE
Five words no one everKYLIE
(to Andre)
Will you shhh!
(to Mason)
Enough exposition?
MASON
Ahhh haha ya you know... (sees
something off frame)
Reveal: Its a HOT DOG CART labeled "DESTINY DOG."
MASON
I just remembered why Im
here... this was nice.
Mason breaks off toward the cart leaving Kylie gawking in
his direction.

8.

ANDRE
Wh- Hey what?!
Under the carts tin roof a SILHOUETTE (its owner) turns
meat over cracking flames. Only $3 for a "Destiny Dog."
MASON
(to Silhouette)
One Destiny please.
The Silhouette scoops payment from Masons extended palm and
softly replaces it with a HOT DOG. Andre slyly leans
against the cart while Mason starts to apply toppings.
ANDRE
(positively beaming)
Cmon, waaaay too obvious!
MASON
Whaaaat?
ANDRE
"Destiny dog?" This a new
beginning! This it!
Mason glances at Kylie who is fuming.
MASON
You dont know that.
ANDRE
(gestures to bun)
Man youre putting mayo on that
shit!
MASON
So?
Hot dog garnished, Mason and Andre return to their
walk. Kylie starts sweeping beans and Silhouette surveils
what hes set in motion.
ANDRE (O.C.)
Have you ever had a hot
dog? Thats the whitest damn shit
I ever seen.
MASON (O.C.)
Uh its mayo, by definiANGLE returns to Andre and Mason.

9.
ANDRE
Admit itMASON
Hmm?
ANDRE
-you took my perfectly sound advice
and dumped her Cersei-ass!
(pointing back to Kylie)
That overbearing, meat-hating,
chronically dissatisfiedMason takes the first bite of his HOT DOG and the world
freezes. People mid stride, birds mid flight, Andre is left
mouth open, finger flicking, completely still.
Mason curiously prods him then turns around to see that
floating in the sky near eye level is a circulating,
"buffering" MAC WHEEL. He reaches out to touch it.
MASON
(mouth full)
Whhh thhh fhh- (gulp)
Everything comes back into motion and Andre cuts off Mason
unaware of Masons changed position. The wheel vanishes.
*Over the rest of their conversation the environment begins
to drop clues (obvious sight gags) that what they are
talking about has an effect on it. For example with the
mention of a "Plinko Chip" they pass a storefront playing
"Price is Right/Cost is Correct" on a set of televisions.
ANDRE
-dick twisting hoe!
(notices Mason confused)
Why you looking at me like I just
spoiled a Game of Thrones? Did she
not treat your "mini-mase" like a
bike throttle?
MASON
(visibly shaken)
I think we buffered?
ANDRE
The UFC dude?
MASON
No I mean like a YouTube
video. You didnt feel that?
Andre looks around and back over his shoulders.

10.
ANDRE
Feel... what? You violate me?
MASON
The world stopped. There was one
of those spinning computer beach
ball things and then everything
resumed like it caught up
loading. Like were... being
watched...
Mason spikes camera.

Andre spikes camera.

Beat.
Andre turns back to Mason.
ANDRE
Uh huh yeah so how come I didnt
notice?
MASON
You were frozen.
ANDRE
Nah Frozens a Disney movie. What
happened to you: hallucination.
MASON
(shaking head)
IANDRE
Mason you know I love that meta
shit. On the TV and web its an
easy way come off as clever, but
this is real life and your
deflecting is weirding me out.
MASON
Its not deflecting!
ANDRE
Isnt it?
MASON
Well I mean... I also dont want to
talk about Kylie, but thats besiANDRE
Ah ah ah ah!
Andre pulls out a small NOTEPAD from his back pocket and
begins to hum the tune to Michael Jacksons "Thriller."

11.

CLOSE UP on notepad. There are two columns. One labeled

"Andre was Right," the other labeled "Mason got
Lucky." Andre adds a mark to the overwhelmingly full "Andre
was Right" column.
MASON
Cmon Im serious! What if- if I
discovered we dont have free will
or something?
ANDRE
Aight look. Weve got bout as much
control over what we do as a plinko
chip. But our lives sure as hell
arent scripted by some hack with a
Macbook. Thats ridic-a-lous.
Mason clues in to the HOT DOG as a catalyst.
MASON
Wait I got it!
He takes a second bite. Nothing happens.
around like "is that it?"

Andre looks

MASON
Huh... ok... maybe youre probably
right.
ANDRE
Damn right I am. You know your
Bertrand Russell Paradox?
MASON
(rolling eyes)
You know I dont.
ANDRE
You cant be outside a set or
system you a part of. Which mean
if this, this right here, is some
production, theres no way you
could have scripted it.
(beat)
I mean well maybe. Pacing feel
waaay off.

12.

12

EXT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

TITLE CARD: EXT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - NIGHT
Four story brick walk-up in spirit of the Greenwich Village
building used for establishing shots in "Friends." A window
on the top floor pulses a gentle blue glow: someone at their
computer. Masons roommate (SERENA) breaks the nights
tranquility.
SERENA (O.C.)
Mason! Holy douche cracker! Do
the friggin dishes! Im not being
mold-poisoned cause you broke up
with a dick twisting hoe!

13

INT. MASONS BEDROOM - NIGHT

TITLE CARD FADES TO: INT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT NIGHT
Mason is hunching over his LAPTOP. At his feet clothes,
garbage and empty bottles coat the ground as thoroughly as
the opening scenes clouds. MOVIE POSTERS pepper his walls.
MASON
(mumbling)
Damn it Andre.
(to Serena)
Ya ya, on it!
Mason taps a PENCIL against his lips while on screen a
program finishes its torrent: "Scriptmakerpro." It opens.
Sparked with inspiration Mason enters:
"INT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT DAY
Mason awakes to his room clean, done
dishes and roommate not being such a twat waffle."
He chuckles and returns to add more but is stumped. So
feeling sleepy, Mason collapses into his bed and passes out.

14

INT. MASONS BEDROOM - DAY

TITLE CARD: INT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - DAY
Mason awakes. The room is spotless. He looks to his laptop
screen sitting open on an empty template. Strange...

13.

15

INT. MASON AND SERENAS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Mason enters. Beside the sink is a pile of sparkling CLEAN
DISHES. He squints, mouthing "what the fuck" when SERENA
(20s, white, bubbly), pokes out from her bedroom door,
cheerily chimes in, then withdraws.
SERENA
Mason yup!? Made you pancakes!
Tableside!
Mason checks the table. On a plate for him are several
"cock-shaped" PANCAKES blotted with whip cream. He looks
back into his room at his laptop, realizing what hes done.
MASON
(grinning)
Interesting.
Beat.
SERENA (O.C.)
Get it the whip cream is
jiiiiiiizzz!
MONTAGE
- Mason typing into his laptop, pencil in mouth, glancing at
the MOVIE POSTERS in his room for inspiration.
- Mason wakes up and opens his bedroom door.
is now a 1200 square foot BALL PIT! Masons
incredulous. Serena gleefully swims by.

His apartment

SERENA
Screw you Michael Phelps!
- Mason typing into his laptop more intensely, pencil in
mouth.
- Mason opening his bedroom door to everything made out of
CANDY! Serena breaks off the candy cane REFRIGERATOR HANDLE
and bites into it.
SERENA
Scrhh yhh Jnnny Crgggg!
- Mason typing into laptop wild eyed, snaps pencil in mouth.
- Opens door to everything TRON themed.
BATTLE DISK out of frame.

Serena throws

14.

SERENA
Screw you ENCOM!
- Mason typing with two pencils in mouth.
- Opens and close door three times in a row: Ice
themed! Steam punk! Jello!
- Regular Apartment.
Beat.
Serena opens the fridge, grabs a BEER and cracks it
open. It sprays everywhere!
SERENA
Awww screw you carbon.
Mason grins from his doorway and takes out his phone.
CLOSE UP on cell reads: "Where you been at dude!? ~Andre"
Mason dials. Meanwhile in the b.g. Serena continues to open
beer after beer with the same result.
MASON
(into phone)
Hey! No. No I haven- no I dont
need tissue- just- come by
tomorrow night you wont
believe- no its not that I have
dry tissues lef- hanging up.
As he hangs up another beer explodes onto Serena in the b.g.
Awwwwww!

SERENA
All of them!?

END ACT ONE

15.

ACT TWO
16

INT. MASON AND SERENAS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

TITLE CARD: INT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - NIGHT
PUSH IN on door as a wisp of fog/smoke drifts
by. KNOCK-KNOCK! Its opened by a young lady in NURSES
GARB revealing Andre whose bored look turns to "wtf?"
ANDRE
Serena?
REVERSE: Serena dressed as a nurse. Behind her the
apartment has the atmosphere of a graveyard; poorly lit and
full of billowing foggy smoke.
SERENA
(over shoulder into apartment)
Doctor Mason! Nurse Andre is here.
Serena does the "Thriller" dance in a zig-zag motion across
the apartment and into her room as Mason exits his. Pursed
between his lips is a thick CIGAR. Beneath it: a WHITE LAB
COAT and NEON RED SNEAKERS. He draws a quick puff.
MASON
Huh, strange. Thought youd be in
uniform. Anyway, come my
colleague, I want to show you
something.

17

INT. MASONS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

ANDRE
Ay you been smoking all day? This
place smells like our childhood.
Mason puts out his cigar in a pile of extinguished HALF
SMOKED CIGARS and BROKEN PENCILS, then clips a new one.
MASON
Cubans, you wanna taste?
ANDRE
Naw.
Mason sets down a box labeled "Marc Cuban Brand
Cigars." Andre notices and rolls his eyes.

16.

MASON
Let me ask you this, you ever
wonder who our real parents are?
ANDRE
Not really... two people who didnt
understand condoms?
MASON
Or maybe one person who understood
story structure.
ANDRE
(quick finger quotes)
Didnt know "Mary" was just hereMASON
Were in a web series, or TV or
Netflix. Im not sure, probably
not the Yahoo one.
ANDRE
(sarcastically)
And Obamas Mexican.
MASON
Not now but I could make him!
Andre furrows brow.
MASON
It took me a week or so to figure
out the cosmic rulesANDRE
Thats why we aint been hanging,
you been glow in the dark bowling?
MASON
(wild eyed)
Ya except with the universe.
scripting it.

Im

ANDRE
OhMASON
Check it out. 3-2-1Serena pokes her head through the doorway.

17.

SERENA
CH-GEH-DE-THRILLERRRRRR!
She swoops away.
ANDRE
(skeptical)
Nice timingMASON
(correcting)
Typing. I make a screenplay for
the next day, go to bed and what I
write plays out.
Andres still visably skeptical.
MASON
Check the blinds.

3-2-1-

Andre peeks through at the street where a crew of dancers

pop out from various places into a choreographed "Thriller"
dance.
DANCE CREW
Thriller night!
Andre looks back at Mason just in time to miss a CAR plow
through the crew.
ANDRE
If you trying to start a dance crew
the choreography isnt bad.
MASON
(correcting again)
Scripting. Check your
pocket. Fifty-seven dollars
twenty-three cents.
Andre pulls the money out of his pocket.
to $57.23.

It doesnt add up

ANDRE
$1.02
MASON
Huh... thats actually more sad
than disappointing.
ANDRE
Look if youre having a hard time
with your breakup, Im your

18.

ANDRE
dude. Got through the foster
system, we can get through
this. But this Tim an Eric shit is
wack man.
MASON
(distracted)
Ya, ya... know what, lets grab a
late brunch tomorrow, on me, an
Ill show you what I can do.
ANDRE
(worried for his friend)
Aaaight dude... but if theres
smoked salmon anything on the menu
Im gettin it.
Andre exits while Masons deep in thought.
dances" past the door.
18

Serena "Thriller

EXT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - DAY

TITLE CARD: EXT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - DAY
Mason, sporting a geeky DINO T-SHIRT titled "TRIASSIC LAND,"
exits his building with a SCREENPLAY in hand.
Cleaning "dance troupe blood" off the sidewalk and road with
a spray hose is Masons LANDLORD [40s, pot belly, Half East
Indian/Half Asian {English is first language}, balding,
wears ill-fitting white polo].

19

INT. COFFEEBUCKS - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: INT. COFFEEBUCKS - CONTINUOUS
Andre and Kylie pair across from one another at a high
top. Andre comes off as reluctant to be in her presence.
ANDRE
This place is so out of the way I
think I might actually need my
passport to get homeKYLIE
(firmly)
So youre worried about Mason?

19.

ANDRE
Ugh ya since you two split hes
beenKYLIE
More grounded and sensible about
things?
ANDRE
Not exactly...
20

EXT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - DAY

MASON
(wild eyed)
Annnnnd action.

21

INT. BANK - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: INT. BANK - SIMULTANEOUS
Several dozen customers and tellers shuffle about; business
as usual. The mundanity is interrupted when a BANK ROBBER
bursts through the front door, brandishing a REVOLVER. He
conceals in a BALACLAVA, holds a BURLAP SACK (with green
dollar sign) and pops a round into the ceiling before
addressing the now horrified occupants.
BANK ROBBER
(monotone)
Attention this is a
robbery! Everyone do as I say and
no one will be hurt! More bank
robber things!

22

INT. COFFEEBUCKS - CONTINUOUS

KYLIE
Always said more creativity
couldnt hurt, although I guess I
did pity bang him out of boredom
our first date.

23

EXT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Mason passes Landlord.

20.

LANDLORD
(monotone)
Good morning Mason.
MASON
Landlord.
LANDLORD
Because of your large and volumous
dick, rent is on me this month!
MASON
Well thank you.
(smirking to self)
Easy as Kylie on the first date.
24

INT. BANK - CONTINUOUS

Bank Robber has moved to one of the tellers who holds his
hands up quivering.
BANK ROBBER
(monotone)
Put the money in the bag and dont
try anything funny... or
dramatic. Dont try anything
dramatic either.
TELLER
T-t-they say comedic roles are
h-harder anyway.

25

INT. COFFEEBUCKS - CONTINUOUS

ANDRE
Kylie this isnt like the time he
strayed from your ridiculous
"joint" anti-carb diet.

26

INT. BAKERY - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: INT. BAKERY - CONTINUOUS
Mason enters the stereotypically bread laden shop as a BAKER
bursts from the kitchen.
BAKER
Goodness bakers stripes! Too many
croissants this day! If only there
were a hero to help me out.

21.

Mason steps forward.

MASON
(confidently)
I believe I can.
The people waiting in line applaud his "bravery" and Mason
bows, receiving a free basket of CROISSANTS.
27

INT. BANK - CONTINUOUS

Teller is packing Bank Robbers sack with STACKS OF CASH.
Another FEMALE TELLER assists him.
BANK ROBBER
This is a stickup.
TELLER
(to Female Teller)
Wow this guys incredibly cliched,
its like every movie robbery ever.
FEMALE TELLER
I know its almost as if hes a
poorly written caricature.

28

INT. COFFEEBUCKS - CONTINUOUS

KYLIE
Well maybe if he didnt see
everything so 1-dimensionally
hedve realized you cant have a
smokin girl and carbs.

29

EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Mason, baked goods in one arm, screenplay in the other,
continues down his block.
MASON
(to self)
And enter smokin hot girl.
An absolutely stunning blonde bombshell (MODEL) enters the
frame and is immediately taken with Mason.

22.

MODEL
(sensually)
Oh I love a man with excessive
baked goods!
MASON
Yaaa you do!
30

INT. BANK - CONTINUOUS

Bank Robber poses wide-stance before his exit, full sack of
money in one hand, gun in the other.
BANK ROBBER
Whatever bank robbers say when they
leave!

31

INT. COFFEEBUCKS - CONTINUOUS

KYLIE
Look I know Mason, hes not the
type to make reckless
decisions. Were not hangin him
out to dry if we let him do his
thing.
ANDRE
God I hate agreeing with you.
(beat)
You know when the next flight
downtown leaves?
Kylie grumbles.

32

EXT. BANK - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: EXT. BANK - CONTINUOUS
Mason peeking at the time on his phone with the Model on his
arm happily eating croissants.
MASON
(to self)
And cue bank robber.
Mason juts out his free arm just in time to clothesline Bank
Robber as he bursts from the building. The sack of money
and gun fall to the side and Bank Robber lays unconscious as
a POLICE CRUISER rolls up.

23.

POLICEMAN exits, dashes to Bank Robber who is coming to and

slaps him in HANDCUFFS.
POLICEMAN
(to Mason)
Son youre a hero!
MASON
Second time todayPOLICEMAN
And thanks to your efforts, on
behalf of the police, you may keep
that sack of money as reward.
MASON
(grinning to self)
And end scene.
Beat.
Bank Robber, hands cuffed behind his back, manages to
unholster the distracted Policemans GUN and fire a round
into the officers kneecap.
POLICEMAN
(screaming)
Oh god why!!!
Bank Robber lifts the HAND CUFF KEYS as well as the CRUISER
KEYS off Policeman, unlocks himself and fires two more
rounds into the officers chest who goes quiet.
Mason and the Model stand back horrified as Bank Robber
takes the croissants, retrieves the sack of money and leaves
in the police cruiser.
Intense Beat.
COUGH COUGH!
Policeman!

Hes alive!

Mason runs to his side.

POLICEMAN
(blood in mouth)
Dont worry boy, Im sure this
wasnt entirely your fault. (cough
cough) And I was only a day from
retirement...
Policeman slumps into his death.
is now soaked in blood.

Masons dinosaur t-shirt

24.
MASON
(freaking out)
I can fix this! I can fix this!
MODEL
(apathetic to the situation)
I cant be with a man without baked
goods.
Model casually leaves scene.
MASON
I can fix that!
33

I can fix that!

INT. ANDRES LIVING ROOM - LATER

TITLE CARD: INT. ANDRES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Andre, arriving home, closes door and slumps into his living
room sofa. A small gray chinchilla (MILO) hops on his lap
with a TV REMOTE in his mouth. Andre scratches him behind
the ear.
ANDRE
Oh hey what up Milo? Mase is doing
us brunch in a bit, you wanna catch
up on your nature show first?
Milo jubilantly hops up and down.
and clicks on the TV.

Andre takes the remote

Its President OBAMA, with the headline reading "Secretly

Mexican President to be Impeached." The ticker along the
bottom reads "Police Searching for Bank Robber considered
Cliched and Dangerous."
OBAMA (ON TV)
For the record when I said I wasnt
Kenyan that was totally true.
Andres eyes widen.
34

EXT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Mason, covered in blood, rushes past Landlord who is now
holding up his shirt, exposing belly. On it is written
"$450" in black paint.
LANDLORD
Hey you got a hearing trouble? I
said rent is on me and you walked
away!

25.

MASON
Not now, Im paying the price for
my actions!
Mason runs up the stoop into his building.
LANDLORD
(to self)
(sighs) Well Dave, time to double
the improv classes if you want to
be a comic relief.
35

INT. MASONS BEDROOM - NIGHT

CLOSE UP: Masons phone reads "Andre: 6 missed calls."
CLOSE UP: Blinking vertical text bar on empty template.
REVEAL: Mason sits in front of his laptop in a nervous sweat
with the Scriptmakerpro app open, unsure what to type.
TITLE CARD: INT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - LATER THAT
DAY
Click-click-clack. Backspace-backspace-backspace. Hes
been at this for awhile, same shirt, covered in blood. He
enters:
"INT. MASONS APARTMENT MORNING
Mason discovers that policeman
didnt actually die yesterday, and is back home with his
family."
MASON
(still a bit worried)
Ya, okay, that should do it.
After a deep breath he takes his shirt off and passes out on
his bed.

36

INT. MASONS BEDROOM - MORNING

TITLE CARD: INT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - MORNING
Mason wakes up calm and adjusted. Perhaps it was a bad
dream? He pulls his now ruffled bedsheets down to reveal a
SEVERED HORSE HEAD!
MASON
Ah! Ahhhhh!
(realizes what it is)

26.

MASON
Oh.
Its not a horse head, just his BLOODY DINO-SHIRT bunched up
weirdly. He uncrinkles it and clicks on his TV.
The set is tuned to a news station reporting the grizzly
murder of a policeman the previous day.
ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
...Officer McCluskey had a wife and
three kids he left behindMASON
Really thought that would have
worked... convenient timing thoughANCHORLADY (ON TV)
And by "left" we mean he also came
back... from the dead...
MASON
(relieved)
Sooooo much "yes"ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
As a zombie.
MASON
Niblits!
ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
And by "had a wife and three kids"
we mean he returned home shortly
after reanimating... and ate their
brains.
MASON
Oh cmon! Thats such a grammatical
stretch!
ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
Were joined live by Officer
McCluskey now.
Satellite feed on news program shows a blood soaked
Policeman with dead grey skin and slack jaw.
ZOMBIE POLICEMAN (ON TV)
Grrrrr Urrrrk Brrrrrr Hrrrrr
Mason returns to his laptop and begins frantically typing:

27.

"INT. MASONS APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING Mason awakes to

find Officer McCluskey is not only alive but so is his
family and theyre not zombies."
ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
Very very interesting, and what did
they taste like?
ZOMBIE POLICEMAN (ON TV)
Chrrrrrr krrrrrrrr nrrrrrrrr
Mason looks at the TV nervously.
37

INT. MASONS BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

TITLE CARD: INT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - THE NEXT
MORNING
Mason jolts awake and spins upright in bed. His blood
soaked shirt, still unwashed, sits at the edge crinkled into
a perfect SWAN.
Masons caught off guard for a moment then turns on the TV
which lands on an updated report from the previous day.
ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
...more news from the Officer
McCluskey story, it appears that he
is no longer a member of the
walking undead, in fact he is very
much alive now.
Mason falls back into his bed relieved.
ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
Alive and well as... a vampire.
MASON
(crunching upright)
What!?
ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
We join him and his vampire family
live via satellite.
In the satellite feed stands the now vampired Policeman
along with his loving VAMPIRE WIFE and VAMPIRE CHILDREN,
each missing large, grotesque portions of their heads from
having their brains eaten out. FANGS poke from their
remaining mouths and each are covered in CLOAKS, shading
them from sunlight.

28.

VAMPIRE POLICEMAN (ON TV)

(Vincent Price voice)
Id like to announce my
un-retirement! In fact the laws
are going to look a lot different
now.
Vampire Policeman laughs menacingly before levitating off
the ground. He soars across the street into the b.g. at a
CIVILIAN strolling by.
ANCHORLADY (ON TV)
(cheerily)
And it looks like hes started...
with the law of gravity... Chuck.
In the b.g. of the shot Vampire Policeman can be seen
sucking the Civilians body dry of blood while the man
screams.
Mason rocks back and forth nervously at the edge of his
bed. What has he done...
END ACT TWO

29.

ACT THREE
38

INT. MASONS BEDROOM - MID DAY

CLOSE UP: Masons phone displaying "Andre: 23 missed calls."
Mason rocks back and forth on his bed, the news still
playing in the background.
TITLE CARD: INT. MASON AND SERENAS APARTMENT - MID DAY
ANCHORLADY (O.C. ON TV)
Yet another man found today
missing, get this, his blood.
ANCHORMAN (O.C. ON TV)
[chuckles] -and I thought our work
day left us drained.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Startled, Mason drops his fetal position and cautiously
leaves his room.

39

INT. MASON AND SERENAS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

ANDRE (O.C.)
(through door)
Ay yo open up! Youre scripting
the universe like an amateur improv
troupe.
Mason opens the door.
MASON
You believe me?
ANDRE
Lets just say the past few days
havent been Francis Ford Coppola.
MASON
I screwed up man.
ANDRE
Ya wheres all that smug bravado
and ego now?
MASON
I-I-

30.

ANDRE
Still owe me a damn brunch.
Andre walks past Mason into the apartment.
ANDRE
Oh stop acting all PTSD I got a
plan.
Mason breaths a sigh of relief as closing the door.
ANDRE (O.C.)
Yo Serena!
SERENA (O.C.)
Already got the "pancocks" going!
ANDRE (O.C.)
Thats my girl!
40

EXT. VAMPIRE POLICEMANS APARTMENT - DUSK

TITLE CARD: EXT. VAMPIRE POLICEMANS APARTMENT - DUSK
Andre and Mason scout Vampire Policemans building, a quaint
three story townhouse, from a sidewalk across the street.
In the second story window Vampire Policemans mutilated
wife and children are the epitome of a loving nuclear family
waiting for papa to get home (despite not having any
faces).
Mason holds a tennis racket sized STAKE in his hands.
MASON
Im not sure Im okay with this.
You wanna
back from
"Craisin"
look like

ANDRE
try bringing more people
the dead? Cause
over here aint gonna
Ryan Seacrest.

REVEAL: Beside Andre and Mason lays the Civillian that had
his blood sucked earlier on the news. The body is lifeless,
wrinkled and dried out, face forever frozen in scream.
ANDRE
Well- you know- I mean young Ryan
Seacrest.

31.

MASON
(sighs)
Ok run me through again.
ANDRE
Youre gonna make nice, excuse
yourself to the washroom, Ill hand
you the stake through the fire
escape, and when his back is turned
you make him into a Dracu-la-bab.
Andre makes skewering motion.
MASON
Wont that make me a murderer?
ANDRE
Nah, news ladys wrong, hes still
technically a subgroup of the
undead. You made your bed, now you
have to stab it back to the
underworld.
Mason takes a deep breath.
ANDRE
Yo here he come!
Vampire Policeman soars through the streets like a banshee,
swooping to the second floor window where his wife greets
and ushers him in.
Andre takes the stake from Mason and they nod in
agreement. This has to be done.
Mason climbs the stoop to Vampire Policemans door and
gently knocks. It swings open instantly.
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
Hello, hero... did you get your
croissants back?
MASON
(nervously)
Uhh no, to be honest I forgot they
were out there with a murdering
psychopaaaa- pa- person.
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
Hmmm well then wont you join my
family for supper?

32.
MASON
I wouldnt be interrupting?
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
(intimidating)
You could say youre the main...
Mason cowers.
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
(lightening up)
...topic of conversation in our
home right now.
Mason relaxes.
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
Come, Ive sucked so much today and
need something solid in my tummy to
absorb all the hemoglobin.
Vampire Policeman leads the way up into the second story of
the building. Mason cautiously follows.
41

INT. VAMPIRE POLICEMANS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: INT. VAMPIRE POLICEMANS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Mason and Vampire Policeman arrive in the living room where
the Vampire Children are quietly playing with TOYS (ie.
ball, vampire doll, tiny police car).
Vampire Wife is wearing the same CLOAK as her husband except
a FLORAL APRON wraps around the front of her waist.
The scene would be picturesque if the wife and kids heads
werent shockingly disfigured and their skin a nearly
translucent gray. Vampire Policeman acts like everything is
normal. The coffee table bares a bowl of BLOOD ORANGES.
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
Honey this is the boy I was telling
you about.
Vampire Wife gurgles from the crater in her head.
winces.
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
(to wife)
[chuckling] Oh you!
(to Mason)
Excuse her shes Italian.

Mason

33.
MASON
Could I umm, use your washroom?
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
Oh yes, right down the hall.
Mason shuffles out of the room.
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
(to wife)
How did I end up with such a witty
and beautiful soulmate?
42

INT. VAMPIRE POLICEMANS BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Mason closes the bathroom door and rushes to the
window. Andre waits outside with the stake in hand.
MASON
Its a Del Toro sketch book in
there.
ANDRE
And you gonna be the diminishin
return of an audience that keeps
their sequel from being made.
Andre passes the stake through the window. Mason tries to
take it, but Andre holds his grip for a moment.
ANDRE
You know I was thinking, all
this... dont violate the paradox.
MASON
What?
ANDRE
Ah... Ill explain it later.
MASON
Great, anotherANDRE
Loose end? Ya were like an Urban
Outfit sweater right now.
MASON
(irritated)
But this is kind of taking
precedent dont you think!?
Andre lets go of the stake.

Mason calms down.

34.

MASON
Sorry. Im- thanks... for helping
me with all of this.
ANDRE
Hey without you Id have no one to
prove wrong all the time.
Andre flashes Mason a smile.
ANDRE
Now go give that dude the juicebox
treatment.
They exchange serious nods.
43

This is it, here goes nothing!

INT. VAMPIRE POLICEMANS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Mason eases the bathroom door closed and starts to slink
down the hallway. At the end of the corridor Vampire
Policeman is proudly watching his kids play, his back to
Mason.
MASON
(to self)
If Screech can do it I can...
A nervous sweat beads off Masons forehead as he raises his
stake... and plunges it through the back of the cloak into
Vampire Policemans heart!
They fall limp to the ground and Mason goes for one more
stab to the head. But as he thrusts his stake into the back
of the hood it becomes apparent theres nothing there.
He lifts the cloak to reveal a huge crater where a head once
was. Terrified, he flips the body to reveal a FLORAL APRON
wrapped around the waste. Its Vampire Wife!
MASON
(whispers)
Oh god no.

44

INT. VAMPIRE POLICEMANS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

REVEAL: Vampire Policeman is preparing some appetizers on
the counter (KEBABS).
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
I know youre probably worried
about the people Ive been killing-

35.

(rips meat off stick - chew

talks)
Mmmmf. Just know Im only sucking
the life out of pedophiles. And(swallows)
Have been donating most of the
blood to orphans with leukemia.
Vampire Policeman grabs the TRAY OF FOOD and begins to walk
to the living room.
VAMPIRE POLICEMAN
I know I know, Im so
complex! Someone get HBO on the
phone am I right!? [chuckles] Hope
you like your meat rarVampire Policeman turns the corner to find his wife laying
permanently dead on the floor, children lined behind her,
STAKE on the ground by her body. Mason is gone. Vampire
Policeman drops his tray of food, utterly destroyed.
45

EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Running like a Tom Cruise character, Mason presses his phone
to his ear.
MASON
Where are you!?

46

INT. ANDRES LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

TITLE CARD: INT. ANDRES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Andre is lounging on his living room sofa, laptop on lap and
phone to ear. Milo snuggles up next to him.
ANDRE
(non-chalantly)
Went home. You kill him?

47

EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS

Mason stops to catch breath.
MASON
I killed his wife!

36.

ANDRE (O.S.)
Dick move. Hey I feel like there
was something else left open ended.
Niblits!
Robber!
48

MASON
Ya he mentioned Bank

INT. ANDRES LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

ANDRE
Nahhhh... that wasnt it.

49

FLASH FORWARD: HEAVEN - 72 DAYS LATER

TITLE CARD IN CENTER MIDDLE THIRD: 72 DAYS LATER
A quick return to our opening setting. Intense musical
score! Mason in tank with Milo. Andre shooting his laser
cannon! Battle cries!

50

BACK TO SCENE
ANDRE
Eh, probably nothing.

51

EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS

MASON
What do I do man?!
ANDRE (O.S.)
Easy dude I got a plan to make
everything better.

52

INT. ANDRES LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Andre hangs up the phone and takes a bite of a HOT DOG
before dipping into his laptop.
REVEAL: He has the "Scriptmakerpro" app open.
CLOSE UP of his notepad on the sofa beside him. The tally
he gave himself earlier under "Andre was Right" has been
scribbled out and replaced with a question mark.

37.

53

INT. ANDRES LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

TITLE CARD: INT. ANDRES APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING
KNOCK KNOCK!
A weary eyed Andre gets up from the couch he passed out on
and moves to the door. Milo yawns and falls back asleep.
ANDRE
Who it be?
FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
(through door)
21 year old Halle Berry!
Andre forms a sleepy smile.
SLAM TO CREDITS
CREDITS