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OnASeriousNote...

RunuptoUPSCPrelims2009...Part6
LastweekbeforeDDay
ThroughoutthetimeIhadbeenathomemyfocushadbeenexemplary, atleast compared to my
situationafewweeksearlier.Imanagedtofinishallthesyllabusofallsubjectswithin8daysand
managedtosave2daysforrevision.Therewereoccasionalburstsofnegativeemotionsbutthe
soothingatmosphereofhomeprevailed.Inthesameweekmyyoungerbrotherwasabouttogoto
Italyforhissummerinternship.NottomentionIalsospent12daysinpreparationwithhistour.It
was then that I experienced a new emotion, that of worry and anxiety for a younger sibling who
wasabouttogotowhollystrangeworld.ItwasonlythenthatIunderstoodwhymyparentswere
soworriedwhenIleftDhanbadformystudiesandwhenIwenttoJamshedpurformyjob.Itsthe
fearofleavingyourlovedoneintoanunknownworld.Ididn'tworrywhenmybrojoinedIITKanpur
because I knew the place first hand. There was nothing to worry about. But this time when he
wasgoingoutofcountry(firstinourfamily)Iwasscaredshitless.NomatterhowhardItriedto
hide my feelings there were instances when I got angry on him for being so complacent about
several small things, like a road map to Italy, name of places,stations on his way and likewise.
However everything turned out well for his journey and I too appeared for my exam pretty
composed.
DDayHHourMMinutes
Iwastargetingtoattemptatleast105questionoutof120inPhysicspapersothatIcouldbeina
safe zone and i don't have worry about cutoffs. However I could not attempt last 10 questions.
Just didn't get the time. This was the first paper of my last attempt and such a dismal
performance. Getting questions incorrect is a different thing but not being able to go through the
paper and that too when I prepared hard is something that is uncommon to me. I was
scared.Again!ThroughtherecessItriedtogothrough500pagesofCurrentAffairsin1.5Hours
in a desperate revision attempt. Normally people don't attempt more that 7080 questions out of
150 in GS because strike rate is quite low. But I was in a different mood. This was my last
attempt and I was not going to fail in prelims itself. So I took my chances. I attempted 105
questionsincludingmanyhalfguessestocompensatemyPhysicsperformanceandlefttherest
toGod.Timetochilloutnow.
AfterPrelims
There isn't going to be much cooldown and I don't want to stay complacent for a long time, no
timetoloseformains.
Post exam I have compared my answers with solutions and things seem to be on the brighter
side, for now. I am going to take some big steps and will leave nothing unturned this time. The
targetisstillfaraway.Therearegoingtobesurprises.AfterallTHISISMYLASTATTEMPT!

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Sunday,May24,2009
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RunuptoUPSCPrelims2009...Part5
11DaystoDDay...HomeSweetHome
After a tiresome bus journey( they can be treacherous in Jharkhand) I
reachDhanbad. Atleastcatching the early morning bus spared me the scorching heat of the day.
ThemomentIstepwithinmydoorstepsandtouchmymother'sfeetherfacelitsupwithjoy.That
look, that happiness, it's priceless. At the same moment my heart feels lighter by a thousand
tons. All the turmoil going within comes to a halt. Somehow I forget all that was disturbing me
throughoutlastnight,throughoutlastfewmonths.
Mom brings me a plate filled with sweets and a glass of water. She still thinks I like sweets as
muchasIdidinmychildhood.Idon'tdisappointher.Thewaterisnotfromrefrigerator,butfrom
an earthen pot. Its not chilled but refreshingly cool, more than enough to satisfy my thirst.
Refrigerator is only meant to preserve milk and food and for guest who can't do without chilled
water.Nostalgiatakesoverforafewmoments.AftercoolingdownItakemybath.WhenIcome
out my books have already been setup on my study table. The computer has been packed up.
Nobody knows me as well as my mother. Too obvious? Yeah I know its a universal truth. The
whole scene reminds me of the days I prepared for IITJEE on this very table, this very room. I
havemylunchandgetdowntobusiness.
Day passes with studies. My focus gets much better if not perfect. I have a chat with
mygirlfriend and go to bed. Finally when I get down to sleep, I feel happy. Its not the happiness
that comes with excitement but with satisfaction and peace. Something that helps your mind to
restandfeelgood.Maybethisisit.Thisiswhypeoplegetsosentimentalabouthome.Noplace
in the world however cheery can bring you the peace of home. My mind takes a flight to
dreamworld.Maybethiswhypeoplewouldratherdietosavetheirhomesthanbedisplaced.May
bethisthefeelingthatliesattheheartofpatriotism.Maybethisiswherethedesireandwillto
dieforone'smotherlandspringsfrom.Igetacalmsleepafterseveralweeks.
Nothingbeatsthetranquilityofhome!

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Saturday,May23,2009

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RunuptoUPSCPrelims2009...Part4
20DaystoPrelims2009
Idragonwithmypreprations.Motivation?Minimal!Focus?Haywire!Frustation?Extremum!Will?
Nonexistent! Yet something continues to propel me towards the goal. May be it is the fear of
shame.ForlongIhavebelievedthatgettingintoIPSismydreamandIhavemadeothersbelieve
that too. If I abandon it at this stage without even giving it a serious try, what would everyone
thinkofme.WhatwouldIthinkofmyself.
WiththisconvolutedmindImessupmyrelationshiptoo.
Itbecomesaviciouscycle.Ican'ttalktoanyoneabout
myproblem,WiththispatheticstateofmindIcan'ttrust
anybody.
Finally I have a long drawn talk with her. Tell her all I
can.Butithelpsmeonlytemporarily.
I can't even get a leave from work. One of the
employees is on leave and the other one is under
operation. I work 14 days without taking a day off
becausethereisnosubstitute.Someonehastobethere
in LDC 24 hrs. There goes my preparatory. Finally the
oneonleavereturns.Itakemyleave.Don'teventellmy
bossaboutit.Justlikethat!
Only14daystogo.Amplanningtogohomeformoreconduciveenvironment.
11Daystogo
Ihavedecidedtogohome(dhanbad)nextday.StillPackingmybagsandallthebooksthatIwill
need to study. Large portions of General Studies and Physics are still pending. Haven't even
givenasinglereading.GodknowswhatamIgonnado.Desperationmountsup.
Its 3 'O clock in the night. Can't sleep. Can't even study because I have got butterflies in my
stomach. I don't know how it happens but whenever I have to go out of station I stomach
flutters.Weird?Iknow!
Allofasuddenthisrapidchainofthoughtstakeovermymind.MaybeIshoulddropthisideaof
IAS. God, its going to be too tough. Even if I get through prelims mains would be a hard nut to
crack.Makingevenadecenttryasksforbigsacrifices.Iwillhavetogiveupmyjobinthemiddle
ofarecessionandsitdowninDelhifulltimepreparingfortheexam.AndWhatifIdon'tqualify.I
would be unemployed in times when companies are laying off. Shit this is too scary. If I must
droptheexamImusttakethatdecisionnow.Thereisnopointfollingmyselfandothersbygoing
through prelims. But the cost of making that decision would also be high. When I am going
throughadepressionIcannotabondontheonethingIdreamtaboutsopassionately.Itmayleave
meinaworsestateofmind.
Ifeellikeamanwhoisabouttocommitsuicide(droptheexam)andhasputtheguntohishead
butcan'tpullthetrigger.Hisinstinctstolive(passionofIPS)stop
his fingers. I was alomst on the verge of making the decision of
leavingIASandsayingitoutaloudwhengoodsenseprevails.Idrop
thegunanddecidetoliveanotherday.IgotoMrityunjay'sroomand
blurt out what I was just thinking. He smiles. Says it happens. I
couldn't wait till next afternoon to catch the train to home. I catch
thefirstbusat4:30AMforDhanbad.Hopelingerson...

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Friday,May22,2009

RunuptoUPSCPrelims2009...Part3
Prelims2009(3monthsago)
The hangover of last Mains exam(2008) had worn off. I
was going through one of the lowest points in my life.
Frustrated from my desk job a sense of uselessness was
all over me. A psychometric test designed to evaluate
one'sabilitytocontrolthingsthrewupsuchdismalresults
that I almost wanted to kill myself. This was no free
personalitytestofferedovertheInternet.AndIknewinmy
heart even before I took the test what the results were
goingtobe.Eventhenwhenresultsconfirmedtheworstof
my fears I could not handle it. That day I understood how
difficult it is to confront one's own fears.I was frustrated
witheverything,everyone,everyactofmine.ThingsassmallasthewayIrodemybike,theway
Isocialized(ordidn'tsocialize)depressedme.Ibelittledmyselfandkeptreinforcingthenegative
imageIhadformedofmyself.Theangerovermyselfoftenventedoutonmysweetheart,which
tookawaywhateverlittlesolaceIcouldhavehadandmadethingsworse.
In the middle of all this somehow I had hung on to the hope of making it to UPSC interviews. I
kept preparing for interview when in fact I should have devoted time preparing for next Mains in
advance. 4th of March, the bad news was finally there. My name wasn't there in the list of
candidatescalledforinterview.Desperationprevailed.Iwasnowrethinkingmydecisiontomake
another attempt. I wasted valuable time in preparing for interview which I should used to secure
mychancesinnextexam.Noamountofselfpattingcouldbringupmymood.Ibroughtacrateof
beer cans. Had one each each night before going to bed. Helped me stop thinking and get a
soundsleep.10dayspassedinvain.Thiswasseriousthanjustan"IdentityCrisis".IknewIwas
goingindepression.Icouldseethesymptoms.
Lessthan60daystogoforPrelims
Unable to find a way out I started my journey again from square one hoping remnants of last
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years preparation would help me out. Underlying was a hope of

finding a way out of my messed up mind and have some clarity in
thoughts.

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Tuesday,May19,2009

RunuptoUPSCPrelims2009...Part2
2ndExam(2008)
3monthsbeforetheexamofmysecondattemptIhadevenforgottenthesyllabusandthewhich
booksIneededtomugup.Isomehowstartedwithsomeadviceandtipsfromfriendswhowere
already in the business. I had taken it on my ego to pass the exam this time. My boss went on
his honeymoon in the month before the exam (there went
my preparatory leave) and I had to make do with night
shifts in my office to squeeze out whatever little time I
couldforpreparation.
Nevertheless I was in a much respectable position both
duringandaftermyexam.Ievaluatedmyperformanceand
found my scores marginally on the higher side of expected
cutoffs.Suchwasthejoyofbeingabletotakethefirststep
thatIforgottherewasasecondsteptooandtougherbya
few order of magnitudes than the first one. And for that I
had almost no preparation. With 9 subjective papers to take, consisting of 2 subjects, Physics
andSociology(tobepreparedupto Graduate Honours level) and plethora of social sciences for
GeneralStudies,a1200wordessayIwasnowherenearthestageofpreparation.Whenprelims
resultscameout,Ihadlessthan60daysinhand.Ontopofthatourcompanywaspreparingfor
Deming Award Challenge and everyone were working feverishly for it. Jobs were at stake
because no department wanted to fail the challenge and disappoint our MD. There was no
question of any leave. So I struck a deal with my superiors that I would stay and work till this
Deming thing gets over and then I would leave for exam (however long it may take). So tense
was everybody for Deming that they agreed to it. On 3 rd September, I left for Delhi after
consultationswithSmarak.Hewasalreadytherepreparingforhissecondattempt.Within2days,
he got me admitted to a GS crash course and I rented a small room as a PG. For the next 40
days I mugged doggedly. Only entertainment available to me was my FM radio and my pack
of cigarettes. I muggedup whole subjects in days (u can guess the quality of retention I would
have had). I must thank Smarak for keeping my tempo up whenever I was overwhelmed by the
sizeofsyllabus.
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I filled up the form of UPSC Mains in such a rush that I

forgot to fill my choice of centre in it.
Thankfully UPSC allotted me centre in Kolkata (near my
permanent
address) rather than
rejecting the form.So 2
days before the exams
I rushed with all my
baggage and books
(over 100 kg) to
home( Dhanbad) from
where I made trips
to Kolkata on exam
days. The exam itself was stretched over 24 days with nice
long gaps in between that allowed me to revise whatever I
mugged up. However stress was taking a toll on me. By the time I was taking my last paper I
was so pissed off that all I wanted was the bell to ring and to get over with it. Last Paper (
Physics) screwed up. Not that I expected to perform great but sure as hell I didn't expect total
catastrophe.
NeverthelessIwashappyandasenseofcontentmentpervadedmymind.Iwashappywiththe
fact that when shit hit the fan, I didn't run for cover. I was able to put everything at stake and
went for what I wanted. These are times when yourcharacter is put to test. I didn't qualify the
examsbutwashappythatIwasabletorestoremyfaithinmyself.

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