Love Chemistry

Luv! Its obsession and the slushy, mushy,

irrational way some discuss it, make one feel
something is wrong, although it is not quite
visible! What happens to our brain when we
desire someone; when we fall in love, then out
of love; why is it a mystery?
To uncover the mystery, and remove the spell,
one should learn some chemistry facts first, for nothing is better than facts to start an
argument with. There are several hormones involved in sexual relationships; most important
of these are two: dopamine and oxytocin.

Dopamine
Dopamine is the "feel-good" hormone with amazing effects: high attention, improved shortterm memory, elation, boldness and a temporary desire to explore the world and take risks.
The dopamine released during orgasm is equal "in effect" to one shot of heroin, as some
scientists claim. No wonder it's the hormone that causes addiction: when the body releases a
high dosage of dopamine, it will take hours, days or weeks, before it gets back to its sober
state.
Although dopamine is good, another hormone called prolactin is immediately released after
dopamine wears off, causing the opposite effects: depletion, irritability and depression. Thus,
when prolactin is high, dopamine is low, and vice versa. In the long run, this cycle of "highs
and lows" affects the stability of the whole body, destabilizing the nervous system and
lowering immunity, thus increasing vulnerability to diseases and speeding up cell aging.
Sometimes people blame or vent their after-sex and post-romance frustration on their
partners, not knowing the chemistry behind it. Realizing the downside of orgasm, many
ancient Taoists and present-day psychiatrists stressed the importance of non-orgasmic sex, or
at least delayed orgasm, to avoid the peak of dopamine, while enjoying the hours-long
pleasure from a moderate dopamine dose, not the few seconds of a heroin-like orgasm with
aftermath effects. The same with long relationships: lovers shouldn't consummate affection
immediately; they can maintain tension, distance and curiosity, to keep dopamine levels high,
and love flame burning.

Dopamine & Addiction

Sex is like other types of human behavior, having gained its "addictive" nature over
thousands and millions of years, till it became imprinted into our genes. An innate behavior,
e.g. having sex, eating, etc., is difficult to change, compared to an acquired behavior, e.g.

playing games, watching TV, etc. That's why abstinence, loyalty, or even controlling orgasm
needs extra work.
Addictions overlap and replace each other. When we are short on the dopamine triggered by a
habit, like having sex, we turn to another, like eating, to fill the gap. This explains why people
gain weight after quitting smoking, and why some prefer smoking a cigarette after sex: the
dopamine fall after orgasm makes them tired and depleted, but the nicotine in the cigarette
will send dopamine high again. Anyway, some just roll over and sleep, because of the
soothing effect of the endorphins released during sex (especially if it was a "vigorous" sex,
and it's time to sleep already).
Dopamine is not the only hormone that causes happiness, yet it's the one that knows how to
"advertise" best for itself, by constantly urging you to repeat a certain behavior over and over,
even while you see its damaging effects destabilizing your life. Recently psychologists have
found that people in the advertising business use similar seductive techniques, to turn
customers into addicts of their products, useful or not.
Dopamine is less about seeking pleasure than avoiding pain (aversive motivation), which is
still vital, however, for basic survival needs (food, reproduction, etc.). Thankfully, our body
produces other hormones giving a deeper, longer pleasure, counterbalancing the addictive
nature of dopamine, like serotonin. Manufactured serotonin is usually prescribed as an
antidepressant, and as a great tool for fighting addiction with, helping one regain self-control
and boost one's willpower and sense of well-being.
Dopamine is a double-edged sword: the intense pleasure, or thrill, it offers is addictive,
however rewarding/motivating it is. In fact, it turns any habit into an addiction, depending on
frequency and dosage. Because natural dopamine stimulants are many and mostly
unavoidable, we can't help acquiring new habits. We can only intervene and choose good
ones; the earlier the better.
Dopamine diversifies pleasure, creating mere pleasures "by association," that are not caused
by a typical pleasing sensation, but by something else happening simultaneously. The brain
then makes a subconscious connection between the two, interpreting a behavior as
"pleasurable & worth repeating." This further complicates people's tastes and strengthens
their habits. That's why when treating addiction it's advisable to avoid the
people/objects/situations related to the cause of addiction. Conversely, it's advised to cherish
the things related to a "good" addiction/habit.

Dopamine & Infidelity

Over millennia of evolution, mating and reproduction were a survival priority requiring much
effort, competition and fights; thus a reward from Mother Nature was essential for
motivation. The "reward center" is the part of the brain dopamine activates when a goal is
achieved. The propagation of genes required having many different partners; so an exhausted
male who has just had sex with a female, will not mind mating again with any number of
females, provided they are all new. A NEW "HARD-TO-GET" PARTNER IS ALWAYS
SEXY, because it makes body dopamine surge high, going on that highs-and-lows rollercoaster again and again. First-sight love is a pure dopaminergic urge, that may/may not
develop into mature love.

Any claim that humans are naturally monogamous is nonsense. It takes some effort to be
loyal. (We'll see later how it's worth that effort, thanks to the benefits and pleasures gained
from another sex hormone: oxytocin, the hormone that increases with long-term
relationships.) Following nature doesn't necessarily make us happy. Nature cares only about
reproduction and the propagation of genes. She is not that all-caring mother who loves to see
her children happy. Broken hearts, divorces, abandoned children, jealousy, crimes of passion,
Aids, STD's, unwanted pregnancy, disfigured babies, and overpopulation are of no interest to
Mother Nature. Civilization itself is not natural; it is for humans to make their own happiness.
When a lucky rat gets to be with a very big number of new females, he will mate with each
one of them until he dies. Is this happiness? Some species of insects even pay their life for the
"sole" affair they have. Generally, male mammals live shorter than females because of their
blind lethal fights, mostly over females and food. We are genetically programmed to
reproducenot to be happy.

Natural Dopamine Sources

There is a long list of activities that cause the release of dopamine, other than just sex.
However, the dose released varies widely between the different dopamine sources, for many
reasons: survival value, mixing pleasures together, release of other hormones, frequency,
timing, expectancy, and preparation.

Eating seemingly dangerous foods: spicy, hot, icy, crispy, or fluffy, that falsely poison,
burn, freeze, wound, or choke, respectively.

Eating/drinking foods that boost energy instantly: sugars, chocolate, coffee ...

Quenching deep thirst.

Smelling certain plants (flowers/mint/cinnamon/ginger/onion), gases (nitric oxide),

and perfumes. The same plant/object can have an exciting taste and smell.

Touching a very cold/hot/sharp/coarse/solid/slippery surface safely, e.g. taking a cold

shower, fire walking, tickling, scratching, jumping, and skiing.

Listening to exciting music: fast, loud, changing, and colorful.

Looking at attractive colors or imposing structures: of plants, animals, water, heights,

abyss ...

Risk-taking. Dopamine is released after surviving a risk/loss/danger, as in gambling,

or (safely) cheating the laws physics, as in the amusement park or speed sports, and
above all after surviving death, involuntarily or voluntarily (cheating death). Risktaking can be "simulated" in pranks, thrillers, horror fiction, and virtual reality games.

Good surprises.

Exercise. Different exercises boost mood differently:

o Relaxing exercises relieve tension (moderate dopamine).

o Fast cardio exercises boost energy and stimulate senses.
o Slow power exercises are mostly soothing when finished, and between
sets, reps and the tense and relaxed modes of a muscle.

Excretion.

Achieving a goal, completing a pattern, winning a contest, etc., even if it has no great
value: winning a luck game, finishing reading a low-quality book, finishing a house
chore, satisfying a physical obsession, reaching your turn in a long queue/waiting
room/calling list, etc.

Laughing at witty harmless jokes.

Discovering new things, by learning, viewing, traveling ...

Visualizing most of the above can be very rewarding too, close to physically
experiencing it. Sometimes a fantasy/memory/thought is better than a reality, when
the mind has less stress and more time, control, focus, knowledge, and freedom
unfound in reality.

Taking certain drugs (agonists) that induce the body to release dopamine.

Artificial Dopamine
Manufactured dopamine is prescribed for acute pain, attention disorders, high prolactin and
low dopamine levels, renal failure and cardiovascular problems, benefiting from dopamine's
ability to increase blood flow and heart rate.

Oxytocin
Oxytocin is the social pair-bonding courage-boosting "cuddling hormone," as called by
doctors, that bonds us with someone. It's naturally released by touching, hugging, labor,
lactation, high temperature, self-hugging, fetal positions, etc. Although oxytocin takes longer
than dopamine to be released, its effect is safer, deeper, and long-enduring. It freely increases
without going through the addictive cycle of dopamine's highs-and-lows; and it even keeps
dopamine from wearing off.
Because it's secreted in high amounts during sex, it speeds up attachment to the partner we
have sex with more often than others; it strengthens the bond with whomever we make love
with (whether he/she is worth our love or not). It stimulates the brain to later remember the
smell, voice, eye-color ... of our partner, and bond us to them. Nature did this so that a male
who sleeps more frequently with one female than others, becomes attached to her, and the
female attached to him, preparing them both for the years-long child-raising process.

It's secreted during woman's labor and lactation to ease vaginal contractions and milk
secretion, causing such mysterious maternal bond between a mother and her child, making
her highly careful in handling the newborn and later on in life. Women who choose natural
birth over C-section, and breastfeeding over formulae feeding, gain more benefits than those
who don't, for them and their children who enjoy better immunity, faster growth, and
emotional security. Natural delivery, which is a nightmare to many women, releases the
highest dose of oxytocin causing a highly pleasurable sensation, that many miss out of fear.
On delivery day and the days after, the rush of oxytocin makes some women extra friendly
toward nurses, doctors and visitors, over-thanking everyone for being so kind, although they
only do their job. For that day, some gynecologists advice pregnant women to have their
spouse or a close person nearby to "hug" to ease their labor, by helping release oxytocin.
(Other animals give birth more calmly than humans who make unnecessary noise.) Surgeries
are only needed in some delivery cases: adjusting baby's position, umbilical cord, etc.
Socially, as oxytocin is commonly activated by warm weather and prolonged gentle touching,
it's not surprising to feel both warmer and "safer" undercover, especially when sharing
somebody else's body heat. If you rub the back/nape of your pet or child, you may find
him/her strangely relaxed, trusting and easy-going. A simple hug can help break the ice
between strangers, speed reconciliation between friends, and soften animosity between
enemies. It eases our tension, fear and diffidence, at hard moments we have no courage to
face.
Oxytocin is usually released in large social gatherings, of humans or animals, to achieve more
harmony and oneness. It's released during disaster times to counterbalance stress and unite
people together. However, affairs that grow during such times could be influenced by a
temporary chemistry unsuitable for long-term matching. Oxytocin is also the chemical
driving the tribe or herd instinct, which, like any instinct, can do more harm than good when
followed blindly, causing bias, dependence, attachment, etc.

Artificial Oxytocin
Oxytocin is now manufactured by big pharmaceutical companies. It's been introduced to the
market under different brand names, like Liquid Trust Spray. When oxytocin is taken in doses
or as a spray it causes relaxation and arousal in most men and women.
Manufactured oxytocin is given to people with autism and social phobia to help them face
society. However, when taken at the wrong time it can make a person more naive and
gullible, trusting the wrong people. For instance, a woman who takes it for arousal might trust
a new date that turns out to be a psychopath/rapist/murderer. Oxytocin is the fear-killing
hormone, notwithstanding the consequences.
There are many other benefits of oxytocin. It increases immunity, speeds up wound healing,
slows down cell-aging and increases life-expectancy, mood stability & one's sense of wellbeing.
***

To get those love hormones naturally from a relationship, the best choice is to have one
partner with conditions. Although a long-term partnership is good for stimulating oxytocin,
partners should also "work" on keeping the flame of love, to reap dopamine's benefits too.