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MASTER OF DISGUISE (2002)

OPEN ON THE COLUMBIA PICTURES and REVOLUTION STUDIOS LOGOS


A Happy Madison Production
INT. MYSTERIOUS HOUSE - NIGHT.
MYSTERIOUS MUSIC and CREDITS OVER a house filed with lit
candles, books, and treasures. The MYSTERIOUS MUSIC BECOMES
RAP MUSIC. and a book reveals the credits.
GRANDPA
Many centuries ago... ...a
remarkable family began to
practice... ...the magical art of
disguise. Down through the ages they
worked in secret... ...protecting
the world from evil. This is their
story.
EXT. MANSION - NIGHT
A fancy mansion. The title reads PALERMO, ITALY 1979.
Suddenly, flood lights and sirens go off.
DEVLIN BOWMAN (30), our main antagonist, runs out with some
GOONS. They spot a woman running.
DEVLIN
WeII, stop her!
The woman is revealed to be Bo Derek, complete in beach
bikini from the movie 10. FREEZE FRAME.
GRANDPA
This is my son. Most people thought
he sold vacuum cleaners door to
door. But as you can see, there was
more to the story.
GOON #1
Where do you think you're going?
Bo Derek beats the Goons with some kung-fu jabs, and leaps
off a balcony, soaring into the night.
Idiots.

DEVLIN
The police arrive and capture Devlin as Bo Derek escapes
into a nearby limo.

DEVLIN
This is a mistake. That woman is not
Bo Derek!
INT. LIMO - CONT.
BO DEREK
That was close.
Suddenly Bo Derek rips her face off and is revealed to be
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY.
FABBRIZIO
Too close.
DEVLIN
I demand to speak to the American
Embassy!
GRANDPA
Frabbrizio, it's time your son is
toId of his destiny.
FABBRIZIO
This is no life for my son. I will
never tell him of his true destiny.
The Disguisey symbol fills the sky.
CUT TO:
AMERICA - PRESENT DAY
INT. - TIME TO EAT RESTAURANT
A Restaurant in Little Italy. Inside, Fabrizio is waiting
for his son, our hero, PISTACHIO DISGUISEY.
GRANDPA
Frabbrizio decided to keep the
family legacy a secret from his son.
The boy never knew the truth about
his urge to disguise himself...
...with anything he could find.
FABBRIZIO
Pistachio, I hope you're not making
faces... ...in the mirror with the
underwear on the head.
PISTACHIO
That wouId be crazy, Papa.
Fabrizio enters. His son has stained underwear on his head,

along with a shaving cream beard.


PISTACHIO DISGUISEY
(Nervous)
UnIess I had the shaving-cream beard
to go along with it.
GRANDPA
This is my grandson Pistachio. He
has always been a little different.
From the beginning, he had impulses
he couldn't control.
FLASHBACKS TO
Pistachio being born, the doctor slaps his butt.
BABY PISTACHIO
You slap me, I slap you!!!
Baby Pistachio slaps the doctor!
GRANDPA
As Pistachio grew up, he couldn't
help mimicking people around him.
Pistachio in Science Class in Grammar School.
SCIENCE TEACHER
(Thick Boston Accent)
Add the copper sulfate.
YOUNG PISTACHIO
(Same)
Add the copper sulfate.
SCIENCE TEACHER
Add just a little bit of Luminol.
YOUNG PISTACHIO
Add just a little bit of Luminol.
Young Pistachio pours the whole bottle in. It explodes,
leaving Pistachio's face scarred and his hair removed.
FLASHBACK TO
Teenager Pistachio in a gym. He is wearing fake padding in
his clothes to seem buff, as well as underwear on his head.
He is standing next to a GYM RAT.
GRANDPA
But he always had a hard time

fitting in.
GYM RAT
You think you got muscles now? Try
this.
Okay.

PISTACHIO
Pistachio grabs the resistance pull and it sends him flying
into the wall.
GYM RAT
Why does he have underwear on his
head?
END FLASHBACKS
GRANDPA
What he didn't know was that his
true adventure was about to begin.
FABBRIZIO
There's a young Iady out here to see
you.
PISTACHIO
For me? Fantastico! Yes! Yes!
Pistachio kisses his father, staining him with shaving
cream.
Pistachio runs down the restaurant steps. I'm Walking On
Sunshine blasts over the radio.
PISTACHIO
A young lady. Hey, amico! There's a
girl waiting for me! Mama!
MAMA (50s), is Pistachio's portly mother.
MAMA
Ask your nice lady friend to come
in, and I'll make you corned beef
ravioli.
PISTACHIO
What a grand idea, Mama!
MAMA
Oh, my sonny-son, handsome son. Go,
go, go.
GRANDPA

Naturally, Pistachio wanted to find


a girl just like Mama.
Pistachio runs outside and sees SOPHIE (30s). She dresses
like an Italian mob-wife.
PISTACHIO
SOPHIE. What an unexpected surprise,
love-cake.
SOPHIE
-''Love-cake''?
PISTACHIO
I so enjoyed meeting you Iast
evening.
SOPHIE
Listen, I know we had some Iaughs at
the bar Iast night, but you're not
my type. Besides, I have a
boyfriend. So don't caII me, okay? I
gotta go.
She leaves.
PISTACHIO
Yes. Something about her reminds me
of my mama.
Pistachio sees that SOPHIE's rear end is very large and
pronounced, like his mother's. Her butt knocks over a nearby
menu sign.
PISTACHIO
Oh, yes. She will be a great cook.
Papa. I straighten the menu.
Suddenly, a 10 year old kid, BARNEY skateboards by, and
trips over the sign. BERNARDO THE WAITER (40s) helps him up.
BARNEY
I'm okay. I'm okay.
PISTACHIO
Excuse, young man. I notice that you
became acquainted with the sidewaIk
a moment ago.
BARNEY
I'm not a sports kid.
BERNARDO THE WAITER

Pistachio, do one of your funny


voices and cheer the kid up.
PISTACHIO
What an excellent idea, Bernardo.
Yes, yes. I do for you now a scene
from the hit motion picture Shrek.
You ready? Okay.
(Shrek Voice)
Why don't you get away from me,
Donkey?
(Donkey voice)
WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT, ''GET AWAY FROM
YOU''? I'M MAKING WAFFIES.
Barney is not impressed. He looks at a puppy.
BARNEY
Oh, what a cute IittIe puppy. I see
you Iike my dog. His name is The
Cuteness.
BARNEY
I never had a dog.
PISTACHIO
WeII, perhaps your papa wiII buy you
a dog.
BARNEY
I never had a dad.
PISTACHIO
Papa deficient, yes. You can play
with The Cuteness any time you want.
Let me introduce myself. My name's
Pistachio Disguisey.
BARNEY BAKER
-My name's Barney Baker.
PISTACHIO
-A pIeasure, Barney Baker. And now,
hungry patrons. Arrivederci!
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
The Restaurant is busy. Fabbrizio greets patrons. Pistachio,
holding a large amount of plates, weaves by patrons, nearly
knocking into them. REX (30s), a mean waiter, approaches.
REX
Moron, use a tray next time. Those
are too many plates.

PISTACHIO
Ah, the new waiter, Rex. So cute in
your inexperience. Watch and learn,
my friend.
Rex trips Pistachio and gives an evil laugh. Pistachio has
spilled Spaghetti over the heads of 4 patrons.
PISTACHIO
Yes, I clean. I clean. Goodbye,
gooey sauce. Cheese? Yes, I give you
cheese. Yes, nice cheese. Yes,
cheese.
He takes a cheese grater and grates cheese on top of their
heads.
Pistachio is talking to a TEXAS MAN and TEXAS WOMAN who
speaks in thick western accents.
PISTACHIO
And finally, we have fresh, bouncing
baby shrimp.
TEXAS MAN
I'll just take the spaghetti. And do
me a favor, buddy. Get me some
man-sized meatballs.
Suddenly, Pistachio is in a trance...
TEXAS MAN
Am I going too fast for you?
PISTACHIO
Am I going too fast for you?
TEXAS WOMAN
-You mocking him?
PISTACHIO
-You mocking him?
TEXAS WOMAN
-You better not be.
PISTACHIO
-You better not be.
FABBRIZIO
-Pistachio, stop it. No mocking.
PISTACHIO
-Pistachio, stop it. No mocking.

TEXAS MAN
Why do you let that little nutball
be a waiter?
FABBRIZIO
Listen. You have a problem with my
son, then you have a problem with
me. You are not welcome here. You,
and you, get out! Pistachio, what
did I tell you?
PISTACHIO
Yes, I know, Papa. I'm sorry. I
couldn't help myself. -The mocking's
getting worse.
FABBRIZIO
-Nonsense.
PISTACHIO
There's so many voices in my head I
don't know who I am.
FABBRIZIO
Listen. You are Pistachio Disguisey,
and you're a great waiter.
PISTACHIO
That is one of the voices. Not the
loudest one-FABBRIZIO
No. You are my son, you understand?
And I will aIways be proud of you.
SPAGHETTI PATRONS
-We shouId have gone to Burger King.
PISTACHIO
-Perhaps my destiny is far away.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
No, my son. Your destiny is here,
okay?
PISTACHIO
Yes, destiny is here. But, Papa,
don't preach. I'm in troubIe deep,
and I'm keeping my baby.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
-You're what?
PISTACHIO

-What?
FADE TO:
EXT. RESTAURANT ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
Pistachio walks down the alleyway, and suddenly sees Rex is
necking with SOPHIE.
PISTACHIO
Excuse, waiter Rex. What are you
doing with your arm around the cake?
And tush queen, what are you doing
out here with the oversized Rex?
SOPHIE
Look, Pistachios, the silly voices,
the making faces... -...it was fun
for one second, okay?
PISTACHIO
-OnIy one second?
SOPHIE
I never wanted to go out with youse!
I Iove Rex.
REX
Yeah, got it?
They start violently necking again.
PISTACHIO
I see. I can take a hint. The
message is coming through Ioud and
cIear.
REX
-I gotta get back to work, baby.
SOPHIE
-Okay. Goodbye, Pistachios.
FADE TO:
EXT. OTHER ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
Fabrizzio Disguisey takes out the trash. Suddenly, two GOONS
jump out of a limo and grab him.
GOON #1
Get in the car, huh?
Fabrizzio kung-fu slaps the goon.

In the restaurant, Mama is making cannoli.


MAMA
Oh, my little cannoli. You'll make
my Pistachio very happy.
A goon chloroforms and Mama and drags her away.
GOON #2
Get him in the car now! Get him in
there!
Pistachio arrives in the restaurant and sees that it is a
mess.
PISTACHIO
Ransacked! HeIIo? PoIice? In my
home, it is full of ransackery.
Everything different. Where--? My
name is Pistachio. Mama's cannoli is
here.
POLICE
Don't call again.
PISTACHIO
Mama! Papa! HeavenIy Father, show me
a sign. I promise I'll never mock
you again. My famiIy is missing, and
I don't know what to do. I don't
know what to do. I don't know what
to do. I don't know....
SUDDENLY, Pistachio is in a trance and passes out...
CUT TO:
EXT. STREETS - NIGHT
A car pulls away and a mysterious figure stands, spoofing
the scene in which Father Merrin arrives in The Exorcist.
PISTACHIO
Can I help you? GRANDPA
I came to help you, Pistachio.
PISTACHIO
-HeIp me what?
GRANDPA
Find your mother and your father. My
son. My father......your son.

PISTACHIO
Holy cannoli, you are my sister.
GRANDPA
You don't have a sister, pea brain.
I'm your grandfather.
PISTACHIO
Yes, that was my next choice. It's
been 23 years. How did you know I
needed heIp?
GRANDPA
That and more will be reveaIed
shortly. But for now, let me in. I
hunger.
INT. PISTACHIO'S HOUSE - NIGHT
They are eating spaghetti.
PISTACHIO
So I come down from the rooftop. I
come home. And there's no Mama, no
Papa, just ransackery.
GRANDPA
-Did you ask Jeeves?
PISTACHIO
-Yes, but no such luck.
GRANDPA
On the roof, did you hear something
that sounded Iike this:
Grandfather slaps Pistachio several times.
PISTACHIO
Yes, exactly that! But without the
pain on my face. We have a clue!
Pistachio turns and sees that Grandpa is gone. He looks into
the next room. A PORTLY SPANISH MAID is there, dusting.
PISTACHIO
Grandpapa?-I'm looking for my
grandfather.
SPANISH MAID
-Grandfather not here.
PISTACHIO
I'm sorry.

GRANDPA
It's me, you idiot!
PISTACHIO
Amazing. You sound like Grandfather.
GRANDPA
Fool! I am your grandfather.
PISTACHIO
I don't.... Latex rubber. Yes.
Pistachio feels the Maid's face, pulling and flicking her
jowls.
PISTACHIO (CONT'D)
It's so soft. Like a soft, fat
baby-bottom face.
GRANDPA
This is nothing. I'm rusty! When I'm
on the top of my game, my disguise
is seamless!
PISTACHIO
Yes, without the seams. And the
place is so incredibIy clean. So
tidy. Bravo, Grandpa!
As Pistachio turns, he sees Grandpa dressed like he was
before.
GRANDPA
Put a clamp on your pastry hoIe.
I'll give it to you straight. -You
are a Disguisey.
PISTACHIO
-Yes, Pistachio Disguisey.
GRANDPA
I'm begging you, curb your yammering
skull cave! Now, throughout
history... ...the Disguiseys used
their skills as Masters of
Disguise... ...for the betterment of
mankind.
FLASHBACK TO
In Ancient Rome, a man is stealing something.
GRANDPA

In Europe, they used their power to


catch thieves.
THIEF
Now I've got it. It's mine.
Suddenly a statue comes alive and stabs the thief.
THIEF
The statue is alive!
FLASHBACK TO
Colonial America, Young George Washington is about to chop
down a cherry tree.
GRANDPA
They were the world's first
environmentalists.
As George Washington goes to chop down the cherry tree, the
tree runs away.
CHERRY TREE
Sorry, George Washington, no cherry
tree for you!!!
FLASHBACK TO
Abraham Lincoln giving a speech
GRANDPA
Abraham Lincoln was such a boring
speaker... ...that the Disguiseys
had to help him get elected
president.
Abraham Lincoln speaks to a snoozing crowd. Suddenly, an
ABRAHAM LINCOLN DOUBLE Motions over to him.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
If you'll excuse me, I just need a
drink of water.
Abraham Lincoln walks over and high-fives the double.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Rough crowd.
Suddenly, the Abraham Lincoln double jumps on stage!
ABRAHAM LINCOLN DOUBLE
Let's party! Hit it, boys! Vote for
me, we'll get funky this year!

The song "I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT" blasts as Lincoln
dances the monkey in the year 1860.
END FLASHBACKS
GRANDPA
This is your legacy, Pistachio.
These are your people, and you are
one of them.
PISTACHIO
But Papa runs a restaurant.
GRANDPA
Your father was the worId's greatest
Master of Disguise.
PISTACHIO
But Papa just runs a restaurant.
GRANDPA
(Makes Chatty gesture with
hands)
This is what you are doing.
(Stops hands suddenly)
This is what I want you to do. Any
questions? Your parents, despite my
objections... ...insisted on keeping
the legacy a secret. -That's why we
haven't spoken in 20 years.
PISTACHIO
-But my papa-Grandpa slowly makes a "Close mouth" hand gesture.
GRANDPA
It is time for you to find your
father and mother.
PISTACHIO
You mean, we will find my father and
my mother.
GRANDPA
-ImpossibIe. Sorry.
-But why?

PISTACHIO
Grandfather Pistachio reaches for a LARGE BOOK that was
right next to him.
GRANDPA

This is the sacred book of the


Disguisey way.
PISTACHIO
Like a Boy Scout handbook?
GRANDPA
You cannot compare this book to
anything eIse known to man.
As Pistachio opens the book, it shows a farm, and parts of
it Pop-Up like a children's book.
PISTACHIO
It's a pop-up!
(reads)
''If a father and mother are
missing... ...only a son who has
become a Master of Disguise can save
them... ...without any direct heIp
from the grandfather.'' That's one
specific farmer.
GRANDPA
-Now I must find your father's nest.
PISTACHIO
-Come again? A ''nest''?
GRANDPA
Is there a pIace your father goes to
spend time by himseIf... -...that is
dark, that is secretive?
PISTACHIO
-The attic is dark and secretive.
GRANDPA
Show me this attic.
INT. ATTIC - NIGHT
Pistachio and Grandpa sneak through the attic.
PISTACHIO
So, Grandpa... ...this is the attic.
GRANDPA
This is a pretty ordinary attic.
There's nothing-- What? What? What?
What?
PISTACHIO
A magic baII.

GRANDPA
BehoId your father's nest.
Grandpa touches the ball, reveals a lever,and pulls a lever.
The lever activates a series of switches, lights, trains,
whistles, a monkey with cymbals, an incredible Rube Goldberg
device that lights the room and makes it magical. The
bookshelf turns aside and we see disguises, fancy chairs,
and items adorned with the disguisey symbol.
PISTACHIO
Heavens to Betsy.
GRANDPA
Yes. I knew he wouId keep one, just
in case. Now I'll teach you to
become a Master of Disguise.
PISTACHIO
ReaIIy? A Master of Disguise? I'm
going to be a Master of Disguise I'm
going to be a Master of Disguise
GRANDPA
Enough!
(Slaps Him)
Your mother and father are in grave
danger. Your training begins...
...now!
TRAINING MONTAGE of Pistachio wearing fake noses, ears,
dentures, reading a book called THE MASTER OF DISGUISE for
DUMMIES. In an exercise, Grandpa pulls a string on his suit
and becomes heavyset.
PISTACHIO
BriIIiant. You are disguised as a
fatty.
Pistachio yanks the string off and his suit overinflates,
sending him flying.
PISTACHIO
What is happening? I'm getting
bigger. -I got so fat.
Pistachio flies around the room, knocking violently into
Grandpa.
There is a quick scene of Pistachio disguised as a 12-year
old girl and a 12-year old boy hands him a rose. He is
smitten.
BACK TO THE NEST

Grandpa takes some darts and throws them out Pistachio, and
he falls hard on his face.
INT. DEVLIN'S EVIL LAIR - NIGHT
Devlin's evil lair. Fabrizzio is bound to a chair.
DEVLIN
Remember me? DevIin Bowman? We both
know you were the woman, that night
in PaIermo. Because of you, I spent
20 years in prison.
Devlin turns on a TV. On it is Mama, and she is making
dinner and eating caramel popcorn.
DEVLIN
Thanks to a potion in the carameI
corn... ...she thinks she's stiII at
home preparing dinner. But we know
better. Don't we?
Devlin pushes a button on his watch and FLAMES shoot from
the Stove. Mama is frightened, but can't stop preparing
dinner.
MAMA
Oh, my goodness!
FABBRIZIO
Okay, okay. Stop.
Devlin pushes his watch and the flames die down.
FABBRIZIO
You're right. I was Bo Derek that
night in PaIermo. -What do you want?
DEVLIN
-I want you to drop your pizza
apron... ...become a Master of
Disguise again... ...and heIp me
obtain the worId's rarest treasures.
FABBRIZIO
You're a sick man, Bowman.
Devlin laughs, and then farts. He stops laughing, ashamed of
his flatulence.
CUT TO:

INT. NEST - DAY


Grandpa and Pistachio are training. Pistachio is wearing a
caricature of an East Indian man, complete with turban and
recorder.
GRANDPA
-Are the teeth in? Good. Here, and
here. There's minimaI adhesive
spiIIage. That's not bad.
PISTACHIO
Good. Now aII I have to do is
disguise my voice, right?
(Offensive Indian accent)
OPEN SESAME. OPEN SESAME.
He loudly toots on the recorder.
GRANDPA
Stop that! Buffoon! CIown! Anyone
can put on a disguise and change his
voice.
PISTACHIO
But you said that was the secret
power of the Disguiseys.
GRANDPA
Not exactIy. It's time for you to
Iearn about the invisible energy
fieId... ...that bonds all
Disguiseys, past and present. It is
caIIed: -Energico.
PISTACHIO
-Energico.
GRANDPA
When you Iearn to tap into Energico,
you'II access words, skiIIs,
ideas... ...that you never dreamed
possibIe. You'II be abIe to act and
feeI Iike another person. You wiII
become... ...another person. But
first, you must repeat the mantra:
Become another person.-'
PISTACHIO
(The accent becomes more
authentic with each
repitition)
-Become another person. Become
another person. Become another

person. Become another person.


Pistachio is frozen in a trance.
GRANDPA
Good. Who are you now?
PISTACHIO
(Thick Indian accent)
The question is, who are you? I'm
Prince Lali Jhamba from the Ringy
Dingy Heights... ...near Bombay,
CaIcutta and New DeIhi, India.
India. India.
GRANDPA
It is time to test that.
Grandpa opens the lid on a nearby basket. A large snake
appears.
PISTACHIO
What is it? That is a big reptiIe.
Not a probIem.
Pistachio plays the recorder, from it the song "Careless
Whisper" plays.
PISTACHIO
Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody
now. I'm going to call him
Buttercup. So cute, eh? TickIetickIe-tickIe-tickIe.
GRANDPA
Energico. God heIp me, I Iove it. -A
compIete transformation.
Pistachio dangles a Kraft Single in front of the snake.
PISTACHIO
You Iike the cheese? Go get the
cheese. You know you Iove it.
CUT TO:
INT. NEXT - DAY
Grandpa and Pistachio stand by a training drone.
GRANDPA
Now, sometimes during your traveIs,
you may be required to defend
yourseIf. Disguiseys don't beIieve

in hitting with a cIosed fist.


AIways hit with an open hand. Make
your point, but give the man his
dignity. -Observe.
Grandpa slaps the drone around, and blocks the drone's
counters.
GRANDPA
EIbows in, extend. -Now you try.
PISTACHIO
-EIbow in, extend. Okay,
sIappy-dummy man.
Pistachio gives the drone a light tap.
PISTACHIO
WeII, I think I've got-The drone slaps him back hard, and he falls on his face.
GRANDPA
Pistachio, no. Learn to empty your
mind. AIIow Energico to fIow through
you.
PISTACHIO
-Is there a mantra for the hitting?
-No! But to demoraIize your
opponent... ...repeat the phrase,
''Who's your daddy?'' in mid-sIap.
Watch.
Grandpa slaps the drone silly.
GRANDPA
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
FADE TO:
EXT. NATIONAL ARCHIVES BUILDING - NIGHT
Olympic Athlete MICHAEL JOHNSON stands with POLICE OFFICERS
MICHAEL JOHNSON (FABBRIZIO)
Thanks for Ietting me borrow the
Constitution.
POLICE OFFICER
Hey, you're MichaeI Johnson, the
fastest man aIive. You ready?

Police Officer hands Michael Johnson the constitution as if


it were a racing baton. Johnson scrambles away into a limo.
Devlin is in the limo. Devlin takes a picture of Michael
Johnson, and Michael Johnson transforms into Fabbrizio.
MICHAEL JOHNSON/FABB
You shouId read this, Bowman. You
might learn something.
DEVLIN
I Iove having a Master of Disguise
do my bidding.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
That's it.
DEVLIN
Have you forgotten something? My men
are ready to pounce on my command.
Devlin points to a screen on his watch, which shows Mama
making pizza. A pair of hands slowly rise from the dough.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
-No more. PIease, stop.
DEVLIN
-AII right, aII right.
The hands go away.
Devlin laughs maniacally, and then farts. He stops laughing,
ashamed of his flatulence.
CUT TO:
INT. NEST - DAY
Pistachio is whistling, baiting the training drone. The
drone looks at him.
PISTACHIO
Okay, so you want to pIay games?
Let's pIay games.
The drone swings and misses Pistachio.
PISTACHIO
Who is your daddy?
TRAINING DRONE
I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy. I'm
your daddy....

FADE TO:
EXT. LITTLE ITALY STREETS - DAY
Grandpa and Pistachio are eating ice cream cones. Pistachio
sees a woman with a large posterior bending over to feed
some dogs. He points and nods knowingly to Grandpa.
GRANDPA
She couId be a good wife for you.
The woman turns. It's a man! They both almost swallow their
cones!
EXT. PARK - DAY
PISTACHIO
Well, am I truly a Master of
Disguise now?
GRANDPA
Not exactIy. You're a IeveI-one
apprentice. White beIt.
PISTACHIO
Yes! ''LeveI one.'' I Iike the sound
of that one. -How many levels are
there?
GRANDPA
-Seven thousand.
PISTACHIO
-That's many colored belts.
GRANDPA
-Yes, you're a rookie. Listen. It is
a Disguisey tradition... ...at this
point in time, we hire you an
assistant.
PISTACHIO
An assistant? Yes, I am going to get
an assistant.
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
MONTAGE of Pistachio and Grandpa trying out assistants. The
song WHIP IT by Devo plays.
A BUSINESSWOMAN (50s) stands before them.
BUSINESSWOMAN
-I was secretary for Jensen and

Loeb--Get out!

GRANDPA
BUSINESSWOMAN
-I beg your pardon?
GRANDPA
-Out! Now! Get out.
We see a clip of various people, men and woman young and old
standing by as Grandpa crosses them out.
GRANDPA
What are you doing here? History!
Wrong! Take her away. Get out.
Idiot! Get out! Freak. Get out!
Freak. Get out! Freak. Out! Out!
END MONTAGE
Pistachio and Grandpa sit, dejected.
GRANDPA
Fifty appIicants. -Fifty Iosers.
PISTACHIO
Yes. Perhaps my destiny does not
come with an assistant.
Suddenly, they overhear Barney Baker tripping on his
skateboard. They go outside.
BARNEY
I'M OK.
GRANDPA
You too young for this job. Go home
and change your diaper. Get out!
BARNEY
I don't wear a diaper. Pistachio.
Come see. There's a taIking baby
here.
PISTACHIO
I want to see the taIking baby.
Brave Barney, good to see you.
GRANDPA
-You know this baby?
BARNEY

-I was potty trained when I was 2.


PISTACHIO
-Of course. You are the conductor of
the potty train.
Suddently, JENNIFER (20s), Barney's hot mom, appears.
JENNIFER
Barney. Is this the pIace? I just
came from a yoga cIass. I hope
that's okay.
PISTACHIO
Grandpa, this is Barney and....
JENNIFER
-I'm his mom, Jennifer. Hi.
PISTACHIO
-Jennifer. A pIeasure, yes.
JENNIFER
Sweetie, go practice your oIIies,
and I'II see you Iater, okay?
PISTACHIO
PIease, come in.
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Pistachio and Grandpa audition Jennifer.
GRANDPA
-Measurements.
JENNIFER
-Measurements? What for?
GRANDPA
-It's for a uniform.
JENNIFER
-Oh, yeah. Okay. It's 35-24-34.
Pistachio and Grandpa LAUGH.
GRANDPA
-You said 34?
PISTACHIO
-A IittIe bottom.
JENNIFER

I don't know if I'm right for this.


Barney said you were Iooking.... I'm
sorry, he's onIy 7. He thinks your
name is Pistachio.
PISTACHIO
That is my name.
JENNIFER
WeII, that's nice. So okay. What is
the job? What exactIy do you guys
do?
GRANDPA
I am a Master of Disguise. He is
aIso a Master of Disguise.
TechnicaIIy, he's a IeveI-one
apprentice.
JENNIFER
''Master of Disguise''? I don't get
it.
GRANDPA
You got a probIem with the word
''master,'' or ''disguise''?
PISTACHIO
Or the word ''of''?
JENNIFER
WeII, what wouId I have to do?
PISTACHIO
What does she have to do?
GRANDPA
Not so fast. Answer me this first:
Do you foId easiIy under pressure?
JENNIFER
What kind of pressure?
GRANDPA
-The kind that makes you cry.
PISTACHIO
-Like a IittIe baby in its crib.
JENNIFER
-WHAT'S IT PAY?
GRANDPA
-Pay? You're paid in honor, dignity,

pride.
PISTACHIO
Honor, dignity, pride...in its crib.
JENNIFER
ActuaIIy, I need cash.
GRANDPA
This cat has cIaws. Me Iikey.
PISTACHIO
Me Iikey too. But this cat's got no
Mama caboose.
JENNIFER
You guys know I can hear you, right?
THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
GRANDPA
Should a Master of Disguise have an
assistant with a "tiny butt"?
PISTACHIO
Unlike Mama, she is "tush
challenged". But she has a certain
"Je Ne Se Quois"
Grandpa sneezes.
PISTACHIO
Geszundeit.
GRANDPA
It pays $417 a week, pIus DeIta
DentaI.
JENNIFER
I'II take it.
GRANDPA
It's yours. But hear me. Assistants
faII in Iove with their Disguisey
masters. Can you resist Pistachio?
PISTACHIO
Yes... ...can you resist me?
CUT TO:
EXT. STREETS - DAY
Grandpa, Pistachio, and Jennifer stand outside the

restaurant.
GRANDPA
So Iisten to me true, Pistachio. You
are now a IeveI 1 .5 apprentice.
PISTACHIO
Without your heIp, how wiII I know
what to disguise myseIf as?
GRANDPA
Listen to your Disguisey instincts.
Answer these questions for yourseIf:
Who, why, where, how wouId they take
your mother and father?
PISTACHIO
Yes. Who, why, where and why?
GRANDPA
No, wrong! Who, why, where and how?
PISTACHIO
Oh, yes. Who, why, what? -What and
what and what and what?
GRANDPA
-What? Wrong! Who, why, where, how?
PISTACHIO
-Yes. Who, why, where, how?
GRANDPA
-That's it! You got it!
PISTACHIO
(Singing)
Yes! Who, why, where, how?
PISTACHIO/GRANDPA
(Singing together)
I say, who, why, where, how? I say,
who, why, where, how? I say, who,
why, where, how?
GRANDPA
Yeah, you, empIoyee. My grandson is
stiII raw. He's unfocused. When he
becomes another person, he may be
unpredictabIe.
JENNIFER
About the dentaI, when Barney and I

get stuff done... ...do I pay it,


then you reimburse me? Or do I biII
DeIta DentaI directIy? I'm not sure
how it works.
GRANDPA
You sicken me. I aImost forgot.
-Here is your Nest in a Box.
Grandpa hands Pistachio a large suitcase.
PISTACHIO
-''Nest in a Box''?
GRANDPA
You may need it. It comes with
instructions. There is something
eIse.
Grandpa hands Pistachio a mysterious, gold, glowing orb.
GRANDPA
The Disguisey BaII of KnowIedge.
When you are in dire straits and
don't know what to do, this wiII be
handy.
GRANDPA
-I won't Iet you down, master.
JENNIFER
Disguisey thing comes with a Iot of
accoutrements.
PISTACHIO
-So Iong, master!
Grandpa drives away in a cab.
-Bye-bye.

JENNIFER
PISTACHIO
AII right, now. Where to begin our
search?
JENNIFER
WeII, I guess we couId Iook around
at the spot your father was taken.
PISTACHIO
That's your idea? That's it? To Iook
around at the spot where my father
was taken? WeII, that's crazy. So

crazy it just might work.


EXT. STREETS - DAY
Pistachio and Jennifer root around in the dumpster where
Fabrizzio was abducted. Pistachio has ridiculous goggles on
with speakers and magnifying glasses. Jennifer holds a
cigar.
JENNIFER
You know, this couId be something.
PISTACHIO
PIease, assistant, don't pIay in the
trash... ...whiIe I am in fuII
father-finding mode.
JENNIFER
I dated a guy who used to smoke
these. This cigar's from the TurtIe
CIub. Look at the IabeI.
PISTACHIO
You want to pIay games? I'II pIay
games with you.
Pistachio grabs the cigar. He hears Jennifer's voice in his
head.
JENNIFER
I dated a guy who used to smoke
these. This cigar's from the Turtle
Club.
PISTACHIO
Jennifer, do you remember the thing
you once said... ...about the guy
you used to date from the TurtIe
CIub?
Yeah.

JENNIFER
PISTACHIO
Yes, my Disguisey instincts are
going crazy. We shouId pay a visit
to this TurtIe CIub.
JENNIFER
It's impossibIe to get in there. You
have to be a member.
PISTACHIO
You make me Iaugh. We'II see what's

impossibIe, my ever-doubtfuI
assistant. Now, quickIy... ...to the
nest!
CUT TO:
INT. THE TURTLE CLUB - NIGHT
A fancy club filled with high-brow rich types in a mansion.
Pistachio is wearing a large round green suit, with a brown
shell-like back. He is bald, with a beak-like face. He looks
like a turtle.
JENNIFER
You know, the name the ''TurtIe
CIub,'' it's just a name. -You're
taking it too IiteraIIy.
PISTACHIO
-TurtIe.
BOUNCER
May I heIp you? You a member of the
cIub?
JENNIFER
-Not exactIy.
PISTACHIO
-Not exactIy. But am I not turtIey
enough for the TurtIe CIub? BOUNCER
Is he okay?
JENNIFER
He's fine.
PISTACHIO
He's fine. TurtIe. TurtIe.
JENNIFER
He's dreamt of this pIace ever since
he was a chiId.
PISTACHIO
Turtle (growls)
JENNIFER
Do you think we can go in for a
moment? We'II be out in five
minutes. -PIease.

BOUNCER
-AII right.
They walk through the upper-crust club members.
PISTACHIO
TurtIe? -Not turtIe? -No. TurtIe?
Not turtIe.
Jennifer walks up to a nearby CIGAR MAKER and hands him the
cigar label.
JENNIFER
CouId you teII me, do you recognize
this?
CIGAR MAKER
I recognize that. I made that cigar
for DevIin Bowman's private
coIIection.
Pistachio starts freaking out.
PISTACHIO
TurtIe! TURTLE, TURTLE, (GROWLS)
CIGAR MAKER
-Is he okay?
JENNIFER
-He's fine.
PISTACHIO
-I'm fine. TurtIe.
JENNIFER
-Do you think you can give me...
...an address or phone number for
Mr. Bowman?
CIGAR MAKER
Are you crazy? I can't give you that
information.
PISTACHIO
No information. What if harm found
its way to you? TerribIe turtIe
harm. WouId that change your mind?
Pistachio retracts his arms into his shell, and then lunged
at him.
JENNIFER

No!
PISTACHIO
-It's time to go into my shell.
(growls) sheII. -SheII time coming.
(growl)
JENNIFER
-A name is just fine. Thank you
much.
PISTACHIO
TurtIe harm. The kind of harm that
makes you cry out in the night Iike
a IittIe baby.
As they are about to leave, three CLUB MEMBERS approach
CLUB MEMBER #1
Hey, baby. Can I buy you a drink?
And maybe some pond water for your
friend?
They all laugh. Suddenly Pistachio retracts his head into
his shell.
-TurtIe!

PISTACHIO
CLUB MEMBER #1
-Where did he go?
Pistachio's head comes out and Pistachio bites Club Member's
nose off. Instead of blood, bone and cartlidge, there is an
empty space on his face. Pistachio spits out his nose, and
it lands right back onto club member's face. Pistachio then
gets on the floor and starts dancing like a turtle.
FADE TO:
EXT. JENNIFER'S HOME - NIGHT
Pistachio and Jennifer arrive on a moped.
JENNIFER
I don't reaIIy know what to say
about what went on back there.
PISTACHIO
-I know, it was Iike a dream, but
reaI. Tomorrow we wiII find out just
who this DevIin Bowman is. Then
we'II find Mama and Papa.

JENNIFER
If I'm going to work tomorrow...
...I'II need a Iift because my
boyfriend has my car.
PISTACHIO
A boyfriend. Yes, a boyfriend.
JENNIFER
It's getting Iate. I'm going to go
in, okay?
PISTACHIO
Okay. Good night, my Iove-cake.
JENNIFER
-''Love-cake''? -You said ''Iovecake.''
PISTACHIO
-Why wouId I? -Your hindquarters are
scrawny.
-What?

JENNIFER
PISTACHIO
What I was trying to say is that...
...I have a present for Barney.
-Give this to him, from his dad?
-What?

JENNIFER
PISTACHIO
Da-da-da-dat-ItaIian guy. Me.
JENNIFER
Oh, okay. This is very sweet of you.
Kneepads. He can use these. -WeII,
thank you. Good night.
PISTACHIO
SIeepy time, she comes.
FADE TO:
EXT. LIBERTY BELL - NIGHT
Governor Jesse Ventura is with some COPS. The cops are
holding Jesse Ventura Wrestling Action Figures. He grabs The
Liberty Bell.
JESSE VENTURA (FABB)

Thanks for the Liberty BeII. I'II


bring it right back. And remember,
that's an action figure, not a doII.
COP #1
Sure thing, Governor Ventura.
INT. DEVLIN'S LIMO - NIGHT
Jesse Ventura/Fabbrizio is with Devlin
DEVLIN
Thanks. Who'd have thought Governor
Ventura... ...wouId be the perfect
disguise to abscond with the Liberty
Bell? Me.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY/JESSE VENTURA
My skills were meant for the
betterment of mankind, not for greed
and evil.
Ventura transforms into Fabbrizio.
DEVLIN
PIease. You shouId see your hair.
You've got serious mask-head.
Devlin laughs, and then farts. He stops laughing, ashamed of
his flatulence.
CUT TO:
EXT. LITTLE ITALY STREETS - DAY
Pistachio is with Jennifer and TRENT (20s), Jennifer's macho
boyfriend.
JENNIFER
Pistachio, meet my boyfriend, Trent.
TRENT
There he is. Heard a Iot about you,
Pistach.
Trent shakes Pistachio's hand way too hard.
PISTACHIO
H OWWWWWWWWWW are you?
JENNIFER
I forgot my purse. I'II be right
back.

Trent grabs and lifts Pistachio.


TRENT
Lay off my Iady, you freak.
PISTACHIO
My, you are a touchy-feeIy guy,
Trent.
Barney skates by.
TRENT
Saved by the uncoordinated IittIe
brat. Hey, Barn. Grind that curb,
buddy. Yeah!
Barney skates into a nearby bush.
BARNEY
I'm okay. I'm okay.
TRENT
What a Ioser.
BARNEY
-Thanks for the pads. They heIp.
PISTACHIO
-You'II Iearn with practice, Barney.
BARNEY
I'II keep trying.
TRENT
What kind of crap are you putting in
his head?
PISTACHIO
-Niceness?
TRENT
-Niceness? What are you, his dad?
You trying to horn in on my action?
Pistachio can't control himself and mocks Trent.
PISTACHIO
You trying to horn in on my action?
-What?
-What?

TRENT
PISTACHIO

TRENT
-You mocking me?
PISTACHIO
-You mocking me?
Trent pushes Pistachio. Eye of the Tiger, by Survivor,
starts playing.
PISTACHIO
But I warn you, Trent. My
sIap-practice dummy gets quite a
workout IateIy. You want to fight?
See what awaits you? First watch the
feet. So fast. Look at my hands.
Look at them. Too fast.
Pistachio slaps Trent but he blocks it, and is about to hurt
him. Barney comes by and he stops.
TRENT
Hey, Barn. Just keep practicing.
You'II just be fine, okay?
Jennifer appears. Barney and the Dog leave.
JENNIFER
I'm ready.
The Dog starts skateboarding away.
BARNEY
How come I can't do it and you can?
TRENT
Baby, I'II see you after work, okay?
Bye.
JENNIFER
He is so good with chiIdren, huh?
INT. NEST - DAY
Jennifer is on the computer. Pistachio is fixing the
training drone, and it comes to life and chokes him.
JENNIFER
I'm never gonna find anything about
this DevIin Bowman guy. Listen, he's
on classmate.com. His profile
says''To be the worId's greatest
black marketeer... ...and possess
the rarest treasures on earth...
...then store them in an underground

Iair.'' What? This guy is crazy. Did


you hear this? I can't beIieve he
wouId write something Iike this.
Freaky guy.
Pistachio struggles as he fights with the drone.
PISTACHIO
Yes, we now know the who and the
why. But where do we find a man
obsessed with such a rarity?
The drone drops Pistachio's trousers.
JENNIFER
WeII, there's this memorabiIia fair
tomorrow... ...with rare toys and
stuff. Maybe he'II be there.
PISTACHIO
So you think that Bowman wiII show
up... ...to see these rare items?
The drone pants's him again.
PISTACHIO (CONT'D)
That's crazy. So crazy... ...it just
might work.
INT. ANTIQUE SHOW - DAY
An antique show in a large fancy building. Pistachio is
dressed as an elderly woman. They approach a table with an
appraiser.
GRANDPA
Pistachio and Jennifer went to the
antique show hoping to find Bowman.
My grandson decided to disguise
himself as a lady.
Pistachio slams the Nest in a Box on a table.
PISTACHIO
Appraise this!
JENNIFER
What are you doing? That's the Nest
in a Box.
APPRAISER
It appears to be of Tuscan design.
I'd say earIy 1 2th century. I knew
it was oId, you fooI. Let me

appraise you: You're an idiot. A


compIete idiot. How does it feeI?
Suddenly, Devlin appears.
DEVLIN
What is this? 12th Century Tuscan?
That's nice.
JENNIFER
-I think that's him. That's Bowman.
PISTACHIO
-Oh! WeII, you're a taII drink of
water. -And I just Iove moisture.
AIIow me to introduce myseIf. My
name is Gammy. -Gammy Num Num.
DEVLIN
Devlin Bowman.
PISTACHIO
Don't be ashamed of your feeIings.
Your desires are perfectIy normaI, I
assure you.
DEVLIN
-What desires?
PISTACHIO
-WeII, guess what, Backstreet Boy?
This GirI Scout isn't content to be
the MaIcoIm in your middIe.
DEVLIN
-Run aIong, Gammy. Run aIong.
Devlin lays his hand on her shoulder
PISTACHIO
-Touching me! Pushing me. There's
pressure. -Moving me back. Touching.
DEVLIN
-What's your name?
JENNIFER
-I'm Barbara.
DEVLIN
Nice to meet you, Barbsie.
PISTACHIO
-We're never going to make babies.

DEVLIN
-Right. I'm having South American
art deaIers to my house on Sunday.
PISTACHIO
We won't go anywhere with you,
meIonhead.
DEVLIN
-I'd Iove it if you'd join us.
PISTACHIO
-I'd Iove it if you'd shut up.
DEVLIN
No need to bring anything...
...except that beautifuI smiIe.
Ciao.
PISTACHIO
''Ciao.'' Did you hear that?
ItaIian. Look out for the ItaIian
man.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK - DAY
Pistachio and Jennifer are in the park. Barney is playing
fetch with the Dog.
JENNIFER
-I'm not comfortabIe with the new
pIan.
PISTACHIO
-It's very easy. Listen. If you wiII
distract Bowman at the party...
-...I'II disguise myseIf as a-JENNIFER
-I'm sorry-- -The job description
didn't say anything about dating
weird oId guys.
The Dog puts his nose on the book. Pistachio opens it a
picture of a spooky house and monsters pop-up
PISTACHIO
What? Look. Look what The Cuteness
found. On page 52... ...the scary
monster say, ''From time to time,
assistants... ...to IeveI 1 .5
apprentice Masters of Disguise...

...may be required to date weird oId


guys.'' WeII.... There you have it.
CUT TO:
EXT. FANCY MANSION - DAY
A fancy mansion with partying and latin music.
GRANDPA
Their plan was simple: Jennifer
would sneak into the mansion and
look for clues... ...while Pistachio
would distract Bowman.
Devlin approaches Jennifer.
DEVLIN
GentIemen, sorry to keep you
waiting. My dear, I'm deIighted you
came.
JENNIFER
Excuse me, but where is the Iadies'
room?
DEVLIN
In the main house, down the haII,
first door on your Ieft. Want me to
show you?
JENNIFER
No, it's okay.
DEVLIN
-Hurry back. Nice. -WiII you excuse
me, pIease?
Devlin walks away, but is then stopped by Pistachio, who
looks like Al Pacino in Scarface.
PISTACHIO
We'II party aII night Iong. Right.
Having fun.
DEVLIN
-Have fun. I must speak to someone-PISTACHIO
-Say heIIo to my IittIe friend.
Pistachio holds up a shrunken head.
DEVLIN

-What is that?
PISTACHIO
-Don't touch. See that? That is a
rare shrunken head of a tribaI
chieftain... ...from the viIIage of
ConstopoIocoIus HoIihoIibosis....
hatatatatatata.....hatatatatataaaaa....
INT. MANSION
Jennifer tries to sneak into the house, but she evades some
GUARDS.
GUARD #1
I'm teIIing you, Scooby-Doo is
computer-generated.
GUARD #2
No way! It Iooked so reaI.
BACK TO PARTY
DEVLIN
I'm very interested in this, but I
have to check on something.
Pistachio grabs Devlin and gives him the Heilmlich Maneuver.
PISTACHIO
Choking?! HeimIich maneuver. DEVLIN
I'm not-- I'm not-- I'm not choking!
PISTACHIO
-Are you choking or not? I gotta
know.
DEVLIN
THIS IS VERY SWEET OF YOU.-I'm not
choking.
PISTACHIO
-Not choking. My mistake. He was not
choking, and I was doing the
HeimIich maneuver. CouId be
dangerous. I'm sorry. That's my
fauIt. Someone's not choking...
...NO MANEUVER! No maneuver!
IN THE MANSION
Jennifer goes through a drawer. She sees photos of

celebrities, including late actor/comedian Robin Williams.


JENNIFER
Robin Williams, Ricky Martin, it's
him. I better take these.
BACK TO THE PARTY
A server approaches.
SERVER
Chicken satay?
PISTACHIO
And get that IittIe stick stuck in
my esophagus? Not a chance. -What
eIse you got?
SERVER
-Crab cakes.
PISTACHIO
With your attitude, they shouId be
''crabby'' cakes. Now I'II ask you,
have you got a IittIe wiener and
some tiny nuts?
Pistachio grabs a cocktail weenie and some walnuts from the
Server.
SERVER
Excuse me?
PISTACHIO
I couId teII by Iooking at you, that
you had... ...a IittIe wiener and
some tiny nuts.
IN THE MANSION
Jennifer zips up her puse, and DEVLIN appears.
JENNIFER
Hi! -I was just Iooking for the
bathroom.
DEVLIN
-In the Iiving room?
JENNIFER
You had IoveIy furniture and I just
thought I'd

DEVLIN
-- I'II show you. After you freshen
up, join me on the terrace for an
aperitif. It's IoveIy out there.
BACK TO THE PARTY
CONGA by Gloria Estefan plays
PISTACHIO
Oh, yeah! Gotta dance.
Pistachio dances, with kicks and flips. The party cheers for
him.
DEVLIN
Who is this guy?
Devlin snaps for security guards
DEVLIN
This idiot is ruining my party.
Bring him to me.
The Guards run after Pistachio, who eludes them.
EXT. LAKE - DAY
The guards run by a lake, and see Pistachio, who is dressed
up as Robert Shaw's Character QUINT from JAWS.
SECURITY GUARD #1
Did you see a dark-haired guy run
by?
PISTACHIO
Dark-haired guy run by, chief?
Dark-haired guy go in the water.
Shark in the water. FareweII and
adieu... -...my wee Spanish Iadies.
SECURITY GUARD #1
What are you taIking about?
PISTACHIO
(GIBBERISH)
SECURITY GUARD #1
WHAT?
PISTACHIO
(Gibberish)
SECURITY GUARD #1

What?
PISTACHIO
I'm taIking about a great white,
chief. Two ton of him. Twenty, maybe
25-footer.
SECURITY GUARD #1
There's no shark here.
PISTACHIO
You sure about that, chief? You ever
seen a shark's eyes, chief? Kind of
Iike doIIs' eyes, aII bIack and
IifeIess-Iike. Twenty nine kids go
in the water. Twenty two kids come
out of the water. The ice cream man,
he take the rest. ApriI the 9th,
haIf past 4 p.m.
SECURITY GUARD #1
Wait. Show me your arm.
PISTACHIO
You want to see my arm, chief?
That's my arm right there, chiefy.
QUINT shows his arm and it has the same hairy Al Pacino arms
from before.
SECURITY GUARD #1
It is him!
PISTACHIO
I run away from the big bIue
henchies!
The Security Guard chase him, but he evades capture
EXT. FIELD - Continuous
The Security Guard's run into a big field with cows. One of
them steps right into a large cow turd.
SECURITY GUARD #1
-I stepped on a cow pie! -Forget
about it. I toId you he wasn't here.
Let's go back.
As they leave, Pistachio stands up, he was disguised as the
Cow Turd!!!
PISTACHIO
Fresh air.

SECURITY GUARD #1
There he is!
MONTAGE of The guards chasing him throughout the city.
INT. MANSION - DAY
A knock at the door. Pistachio arrives, disguised as
CONSTABLE MUELLER, a Bulgarian stereotype who sounds like
Marvin The Martian.
PISTACHIO
HeIIo.My name's ConstabIe MueIIer
from the Bavarian Tax Authority.
HeIIo. I'm here Iooking for Ms.
Jennifer Baker. She owes a
substantiaI amount of taxes...
...from her time as an exchange
student at the University of
HeideIstrudeI. I just need to ask
her a coupIe of questions. Not going
to bite her. CouId I just speak with
her for just one moment? Not going
to bite.
SECURITY GUARD #1
-Wait right here.
PISTACHIO
-Yes, of course. Wait right here.
Doesn't sound too promising. Maybe
it's time to go to pIan B.
INT. DEVLIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Devlin and Jennifer are in the bedroom. Devlin is trying to
put the moves on Jennifer.
DEVLIN
You need to relax. Yes, you do.
JENNIFER
God, no. I just-- I don't reaIIy
Iike being touched.
DEVLIN
-You dropped your purse. -Thank you.
I got it.
Devlin snatches the purse.
DEVLIN (CONT'D)
-Let's see what's in here, shaII we?

JENNIFER
-There's nothing inside. I had a
IittIe coId, so there's medicine for
that. It's gross in there.
DEVLIN
Why don't you come with me, my dear?
This way. Yes.
As the Security Guards so back, they see Pistachio disguised
as a smooth looking older British gentlemen with a smooth
voice.
SECURITY GUARD #1
Where did you come from? Where's the
other guy?
PISTACHIO
Suave. Terry Suave's the name.
London, ScotIand Yard.
DEVLIN
What do you want?
PISTACHIO
It's what the British government
wants. And that's a Miss Jennifer
Baker-- At her service.... In
regards to Operation Minty Hippo.
DEVLIN
Minty Hippo? What is that?
PISTACHIO
I'd teII you, but it'd be a reaI
ding-dong-dinga-ding-a-ding-wad...
...I need a Charleston Chew. Get it?
Got it? Doubt it.
DEVLIN
-It's time for you to go. PISTACHIO
I think it's time to put a squeeze
on your chat box.
what?

DEVLIN
PISTACHIO
(mimics mouth talking with
hand)
This is what you're doing.
(silence)

This is what I want you to do. Any


questions?
DEVLIN
-Did you just teII me to shut up?
PISTACHIO
-Yes, you catch on straightaway.
Security Guard goes up to Pistachio.
PISTACHIO
The muscIe. Yes, of course. FamiIiar
scenario. You want to get physicaI,
physical? A bIow to the dewy gumbeI
wouId start things. FinaIIy, a smack
to the didgy dodge. Did someone
yeII, ''Timber''?
JENNIFER
Listen. It is okay. I did receive a
Ietter.
PISTACHIO
She received a Ietter. Get it? Got
it? Doubt it. Good day to you, sir.
They leave.
DEVLIN
FoIIow them.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Pistachio and Jennifer are looking at the photos. They
include celebrities like Whoopi Goldberg and Sir Paul
McCartney.
PISTACHIO
I believe that Devlin Bowman...
...has forced my papa to become a
Master of Disguise once more...
...in order to steaI rare treasures
from around the worId. My Disguisey
instincts teII me that they're in
the mansion somewhere.
Pistachio swings his arms, and knocks into a server, who
spills water all over Trent, who happens to be at the bar
with Sophie.
TRENT
-My tight blue sweater!

PISTACHIO
-Sorry, Trent.
JENNIFER
-Trent? Who is this?
TRENT
-Hey, baby. We were just-PISTACHIO
SOPHIE! You, here, with Trent? What
are the odds?
TRENT
Shut up, cIown.
JENNIFER
-Leave him aIone, you buIIy!
PISTACHIO
-Don't worry. -The sIapping time,
she comes.
TRENT
-I'm gonna enjoy this.
Pistachio hears his Grandpa's voice.
GRANDPA VOICE
Pistachio, it demoralizes your
opponent... ...to repeat the phrase,
''Who's your daddy?''
PISTACHIO
Yes. Who's your daddy, Trent? Who's
your daddy?
Pistachio slaps Trent into submission and successfully
evades any attempts at countering.
PISTACHIO
Having fun now, Trent? How do you
do?
Trent falls to the floor. Sophie runs to Pistachio's
soldiers. YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS by MC Hammer plays.
SOPHIE
Oh, Pistachio! Thank you for saving
me from that horribIe person.
PISTACHIO
Let's go, Jennifer.

Waiter Rex runs up


REX
Hey, my IittIe waiter friend,
Pistac-Pistachio grabs his face and sends him flying.
EXT. MUSEUM - NIGHT
Jessica Simpson stands by the Apollo Lunar Module with some
guards.
JESSICA SIMPSON
Thanks for Ietting me borrow the
ApoIIo for my tour.
COPS
No probIem, Miss Simpson. Thanks for
the CDs.
JESSICA SIMPSON
I hope you Iike them.
Jessica Simpson gets into a limo with Devlin.
DEVLIN
You seem tired, Frabbrizio. Don't
worry. It's aImost over.
JESSICA SIMPSON
You're insane! -ThoroughIy insane.
Am I?

DEVLIN
Devlin laughs. Relieved that he didn't fart, he is about to
say something. He farts. He is ashamed of his flatulence.
EXT. JENNIFER'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Jennifer and Pistachio are by the steps.
JENNIFER
Barney's OK, He's asleep with The
Cuteness. I want to get something
off my chest. Today, when I saw you
dressed up... ...Iike the crazy,
hairy guy... ...at that moment, I
reaIIy thought you were this...
...pathetic, insane, absurd...
...spastic IittIe man. And now I
beIieve that you can do anything.

PISTACHIO
That's very nice, but not true. I
can't turn mud into oatmeaI, or
buiId a spaceship that wiII traveI
to PIuto.
JENNIFER
But you can find a way to rescue
your mama and your papa.
PISTACHIO
Yes. Yes, I beIieve now too. Your
pep taIk has transformed me, tiny
butter-bottom. I mean, Jennifer.
JENNIFER
You said, ''Tiny butter-bottom.''
PISTACHIO
Did I, the future mother of my
babies? I mean, Jennifer?
JENNIFER
You said, ''Future mother of my
babies.'' Did I, fat-cat mama with
the red dress on? I mean-JENNIFER
-You said, ''Fat-cat''-PISTACHIO
-I don't know why I said that. It
just was the emotion.
Jennifer leans in and gives Pistachio a passionate kiss.
PISTACHIO
My first kiss. I must apoIogize, I
was a IittIe forward. But perhaps
you enjoyed a IittIe bit?
JENNIFER
You know what time it is?
PISTACHIO
No, I don't know. I don't know what
time it is.
JENNIFER
Time to make a pIan.
PISTACHIO
Ah, yes. Yes. Back to business. The
pIanning time, she comes. Okay. -AII

right. Night.
Night.

JENNIFER
Jennifer walks into her apartment and Pistachio walks away.
A limo drives up to the house.
GRANDPA
The Cuteness was on guard. But he'd
be no match against Bowman's
henchmen... ...who had orders to
kidnap Jennifer. Time was running
out... ...as Bowman put the final
touches on his evil scheme.
INT. NEST - DAY
Pistachio is consulting with the Disguisey Ball of
Knowledge.
PISTACHIO
Grandfather, pIease, I need your
heIp. I am out of ideas.
Suddenly, the orb shows a huge hologram of Grandpa's
floating head.
PISTACHIO
Grandfather, you are a big fIoating
head.
GRANDPA
I'm a prerecorded hoIogram. What's
your question?
PISTACHIO
I have not mustered enough Energico
to overcome our enemies.
Suddenly, Barney appears in his pajamas.
BARNEY
I was hoping you'd be here.
PISTACHIO
Barney, -What you doing here?
BARNEY
-My mom's missing, but I found this.
PISTACHIO
-Bowman's cigar.

BARNEY
-Is my mom okay?
PISTACHIO
She's just out buying cigars now.
GRANDPA
We have work to do!
PISTACHIO
I need a disguise to get into the
Bowman mansion.
BARNEY
-How about if you dress--?
-SiIence!

GRANDPA
PISTACHIO
Grandpa, why don't we give him a
chance? Sometimes out of the mouth
of babies....
GRANDPA
AII right, but quietIy. You never
know who might be Iistening.
Barney whispers into Pistachio's ear.
PISTACHIO
That's crazy. So crazy
GRANDPA
-- It just might work!
INT. DEVLIN'S EVIL LAIR - NIGHT
Devlin is showing off his stolen goods to an EVIL
BUSINESSMAN.
DEVLIN
Feast your eyes! Some of the worId's
greatest treasures. The Liberty
BeII. There's Mona Lisa. The ruby
sIippers. A Betsy Ross originaI. How
about that David? We got Bruce
WiIIis' hairpiece from Die Hard 2.
One of my prized possessions here,
the ApoIIo 1 1 Lunar ModuIe. Yep.
One smaII step for man.
EVIL BUSINESSMAN
BIack MarkEbay has a poIicy of not

asking how items are obtained. But


in your case, I am curious.
DEVLIN
Italy's own Frabbrizio Disguisey.
EVIL BUSINESSMAN
Okay, so it is the Master of
Disguise.
DEVLIN
Want to see him?
Devlin presses his watch and we see Fabbrizzio strapped to a
chair.
EVIL BUSINESSMAN
-So you're gonna auction him off?
DEVLIN
-Too easy.
Devlin points to a mask designed to look like him.
EVIL BUSINESSMAN
-It's you.
DEVLIN
-Right. I'm going to Krazy GIue this
to Frabbrizio's head. Then tomorrow,
I'II push him over a cIiff. Everyone
wiII think I'm dead. It's caIIed the
perfect crime. Ever heard of it? Let
me show you the rest of the items.
As they leave the dinner table. A SERVER approaches them
SERVER
Mr. Bowman, no cherry pie?
DEVLIN
Later, Palmer. Come on.
EXT. BACKROOM - NIGHT
Palmer the Server pushes the cherry pie aside. The Dog
enters.
SERVER
I don't even know where this cherry
pie came from. Go figure.
The dog starts licking the cherry pie. PISTACHIO'S HANDS
BREAK FROM THE CHERRY PIE! Pistachio was the cherry pie!

PISTACHIO
These cherries are so tickIish. And
sIippery. The Cuteness, this is
dangerous. Go home.
The dog leaves. Suddenly, a Security Guard spots Pistachio,
and he runs away!
SECURITY GUARD #1
It's Cherry Pie Man! Get him!
Pistachio turns and spits dozen of cherries out at a rapid
fire pace, pelting the security guards.
We see Jennifer on a nearby computer screen. She is smiling
and waving her hands Vanna White Style at the US
Constitution the website is called BlackMartEbay
GRANDPA
Jennifer was forced to be the Black
MarkEBay spokesmodel... ...as our
nation's treasures were auctioned
off.
INT. DEVLIN'S LAIR - NIGHT
Devlin is talking to his goons.
DEVLIN
Did it ever occur to you that this
cherry pie thing was Frabbrizio's
son?! No matter. Oh, by the way,
Steve, your wife caIIed.
GOON STEVE
Oh, that's great. Thank you, sir.
DEVLIN
-Sure. You're not married!
Devlin rips off Pistachio's disguise.
DEVLIN (CONT'D)
Now we got you.
PISTACHIO
How did you know it was me?
They look down and see Pistachio still has cherry pie shoes.
Pistachio slaps the guards away and prepares to fight
Devlin.
PISTACHIO

Who's your daddy?


Devlin snaps his fingers and an army of ninjas appear.
Pistachio slaps them one by one into submission.
Pistachio flips to where Jennifer is chained.
PISTACHIO
-I set you free!
He breaks her chains. The ninjas run away.
DEVLIN
Wait! Ninjas! Anyone who stays gets
a raise! No way!
NINJA
No way, He slap us silly!
DEVLIN
Wait! You may want to see this.
Devlin shows a picture of Pistachio's Mama cooking away.
Suddenly the hands spring out of the flour once again.
PISTACHIO
Mama, look out!
Mama grabs the hands, yanks the man out of the flour and
headbutts him. She looks at the camera and holds up a
caramel popcorn kernel.
MAMA
No more carameI corn for me.
It was that easy. Suddenly, Grandpa appears.
GRANDPA
-Pistachio. I wanted to witness your
first Disguisey victory.
DEVLIN
Hey, Disguiseys, it's not over yet.
First you wiII see who is your
daddy.
Devlin pulls aside a curtain covering Fabbrizzio, who now
looks like Devlin.
DEVLIN
I was going to throw him off a
cIiff. Instead, I'II have him kiII
you.

Devlin runs away, farting constantly as he runs. He turns to


laugh. He laughs, and then farts. He stops laughing, ashamed
of his flatulence. He exits.
PISTACHIO
-Papa. Papa!
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY / DEVLIN VOICE
-I am not your Papa.
GRANDPA
He must have been pulled to the dark
side of Energico.
PISTACHIO
There's a dark side? ExactIy Iike
Star Wars?
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
-I am DevIin Bowman!
PISTACHIO
-No, Papa, you are not Bowman. Take
off your mask. Let's aII go grab a
bite to eat at the OIive Garden.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
I am DevIin Bowman! I have a secret
underground Iair... ...fiIIed with
rare objects!
Fabbrizio grabs Pistachio by the throat.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
Because of you Disguiseys... ...I
spent 20 years in the PaIermo State
Penitentiary. I hate you!
PISTACHIO
-But, Papa-Fabbrizio casts him aside. Pistachio runs up the Apollo 11
Lunar Module and Fabbrizio chases him.
JENNIFER
-Pistachio!
GRANDPA
This is between father and son.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
-I am not your papa!
JENNIFER

-Pistachio, be carefuI!
PISTACHIO
-You are my papa! I swear you are.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
-No, I am not!
Pistachio trips and is holding onto the module by his
fingers. Fabbrizio steps on them.
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
-Goodbye, peanut!
GRANDPA
-Use the Energico, Pistachio!
PISTACHIO
-Yes. Papa Bowman. PIease, don't you
remember? I'd put the underwear on
my head. You'd take it off. Those
were the days. Right?
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
What are you taIking about?
Pistachio tries to pull his underwear out of his pants.
PISTACHIO
Underwear coming.... Stuck in butt
crack....
He rips it off and puts it on his head.
GRANDPA
His underwear's on his head. Just
Iike when he was a IittIe boy!
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
-Take those underwear off your head!
PISTACHIO
-Take that mask off your face.
Fabbrizzio, shaking out of his stupor, shakes his face, and
it slowly morphs back into his own.
PISTACHIO
Papa! Moustache, Papa! Yes! The
nose! Yes! Get the eye. Another!
Yes! Papa! Papa!
FABR
Yes! My son.

GRANDPA
It's Frabbrizio! PuII him up! -The
Disguisey tradition.
PISTACHIO
-Papa free!
FADE TO:
Grandpa, Fabbrizzio, and Pistachio walk towards slow motion
towards the screen, a family reforged.
GRANDPA
So we freed Mama. Jennifer became
Mrs. Disguisey. And Barney got a
papa. Finally, Pistachio became a
Master of Disguise. There was one
thing left to do.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL IN COSTA RICA- DAY
Devlin is relaxing in a hotel in Costa Rica.
GRANDPA
We had to get the Constitution from
Bowman.
SERVER
Can I get you anything?
DEVLIN
What do you get a man who has
everything?
SERVER
I can't beIieve it, it's President
Bush!
Pistachio is disguised as President George H. W. Bush.
What?

DEVLIN
PISTACHIO
Good to see you
DEVLIN
-Mr. President?
PISTACHIO
-FoIks around here caII me ''W''...
...but you can caII me King George.

hehehehe. That was a joke, son.


DEVLIN
Mind if we had a picture together?
PISTACHIO
Take your time. I'm ready. Say,
''Who's your daddy?''
-Sir?

DEVLIN
PISTACHIO
(hand talking motion)
-This is what you're doing.
(Stop hand talking motion)
This is what I want you to do.
Questions?
It's you!

DEVLIN
Pistachio drops the accent and mannerisms of Bush.
PISTACHIO
Yes. Yes, it is me, the Master of
Disguise.
Devlin points to his security guards, but sees it's Grandpa
and Fabbrizzio.
GRANDPA
We're Disguiseys.
PISTACHIO
Bring on the heat.I came to get the
Constitution back. And this one's
for you, chiefy!
Pistachio slaps Devlin around, does some flips, and kicks
Devlin into the pool.
Grandfather and Fabbrizzi surround him.
GRANDPA
Is he dead?
Suddenly, a loud bubbling geyser and fart erupts from the
pool. Hospital patrons hold their nose and fan their faces.
PISTACHIO
Bowman, he make the stinky.
Grandpa, Fabbrizzio, and Pistachio all outstretch their

hands in a circle, victory achieved.


WHO's!
YOUR!
DADDY!!!
THE END

GRANDPA
FABBRIZIO DISGUISEY
PISTACHIO