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Im writing this firstly as a way for me to fully come to terms with what has happened to me

over the last three years and secondly as a way to inspire others to overcome the adversity
in their own lives. At the age of 21 I was catapulted into an intense anxiety disorder triggered
by drugs. I have spent the last few years fighting with every ounce of emotional energy I
have to beat this disorder. I know of many people with mental health problems who have
come to the conclusion that the cause is a chemical imbalance in their brains. These people
have accepted anxiety as a part of their lives; they have come to terms with it, and decided
that they might well be living with it for the rest of their lives. Although I greatly respect the
bravery of these individuals, they make me sad because anxiety is far too shit to live with! It
sucks all the joy out of your life and means that you can never be in the present moment, you
cant fully be there for the people you love and you can never fully appreciate the immense
beauty that our universe has to offer. I took a different approach, said fuck this shit and I
decided to fight. I feel very fortunate because from a young age my mum and dad have
always instilled within me a drive and sense that if I wanted something badly and I worked
hard enough I could achieve it. For that I truly thank them because without having this fierce
drive instilled within me I wouldn't be where I am today. The last few years I have made it the
sole mission of my life to beat my mental health problems; and I have succeeded. It has
been the most exhilarating, petrifying and profound period of my life and I have learnt so
many crucial lessons along the way. I think of having an anxiety disorder as being like a
prisoner within your own mind. You know that there is so much more to life, and you know
that you could be so much happier and more content, but you are trapped, banging on a
cage of self induced terror. To anybody who is suffering with mental health problems, trust
me, when you are free it all seems worth it. Life is so much more beautiful and amazing than
you can ever imagine and it makes the whole ordeal seem worth it- it really does feel like I
have been released from prison and I know that I will never ever go back there again. If you
do suffer from mental health problems I hope this book will give you the motivation and faith
that you need in order to break out of the prison within your own mind.
Contents: Chapter one - How to heal through your inner child
Chapter two - My story
Chapter three - the lie we live
Chapter four - its your choice
Chapter five - Fuck being shy, its not in your genes
Chapter six - Emotional intelligence in schools
Chapter seven- Feel the fear and do it anyway
Chapter eight - Some tools to use.
Chapter nine - Live to give not to get
Chapter ten - Body = Mind
Chapter 1 - How to heal through your inner child
It is important to note that the need to find the Inner Child is part of every human beings
journey toward wholeness. - John Bradshaw
We go back and back through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative

incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that
was, and still is, in us. And once we find it, we love and cherish it, and never, never let it go Melody Beattie.
The only way to overcome the fear of doing something is to do it - Susan Jeffers
There is a brilliant theory in psychology that we have two minds. One of these minds is the
mind of an adult, its a mind that learns and grows. This mind works with logic, is expanding
all the time and is generally the person that you portray to the outside world. The second
mind is the mind of the child, this is the mind that feels. The child mind feels all your
emotions - both negative and positive. The child mind feels joy, love, peace, bliss and
happiness as well as fear, shame, anger and hurt. The theory goes that in order to live a
truly fulfilled life one must build a connection between the two minds. The Child mind and the
Adult mind must be in harmony with each other. They must be tightly bound and
interconnected. This book is going to discuss my journey from utter despair and nervous
breakdown to peace and joy referring to the analogy of the inner child that lives within us.
There is a child within each of us that is crying out to be held. Many peoples inner child went
relatively unharmed through there lives without experience too much torment and negativity.
However, other people, usually the ones suffering from obvious mental health problems will
have an inner child within them that is in a lot of pain. They will likely not be aware of this
inner child because they have pushed it away and battered it for so long. But it is still there
within you, crying out to be held and soothed. You need to find your inner child, you need to
hold it tightly and let it know that you will always be there for it. You might be reading this and
thinking that this is a load of psychobabble bullshit, some of you might even be cringing at
the idea of the inner child. I know a few years ago I would have been exactly the same.
What??, theres a child inside of me?? and I need to talk to it and help it to recover from the
torment that I have been through in my life?!?! what a load of shit I would think, give me a
beer. I used to be of the attitude that you are who you are, that time changes you slightly but
you have no control over who you will become. I didn't have any knowledge that there is so
much more within your being and that in order to truly be happy you have to explore it. Id
hear people say that they meditate in order to get in touch with their inner self and think it
was just some hippy dippy nonsense. But thats simply the way modern day western society
programmed me. Up until the age of 21 I was only ever taught to look for happiness in things
outside of myself. I was taught that I needed money to be happy, that I needed success to be
happy, that I need loads of friends and a fast car and nice holidays. This was all I had ever
been taught and all I ever really knew. But it is not the truth. The truth is that there is a
source of happiness within you all the time and if you are not happy it is simply because you
have negative beliefs created through a lifetime of incorrect programming blocking you from
accessing this unlimited source of happiness. Haha I never thought in a million years I would
ever right a sentence like that, if the 19 year old me could read this he would think I had lost
the plot!!! But I havent.. through hardship and necessity I have realised the truth.
HAPPINESS COME FROM WITHIN. There are many ways to access this happiness and if
you are suffering from anxiety, depression, eating disorders or really any mental health
problems there are so many things you can do to heal. I will discuss some of them
throughout this book.

Im going to start by discussing how I have taken myself from a place of ignorance and
unhappiness to a place of wisdom and peace in the context of the inner child. I have found
that there is an inner child within me, I talk to him and hold him everyday.

Chapter 2 - My story
I'm already starting to tear up thinking about the journey I have been on over the last few
years, its been the most terrifying, profound, thrilling and life changing period of my life. It is
quite a traumatic story for me to tell, so I will have to comfort my inner child throughout, Ill
put this dialogue in brackets in case you are interested. I suppose Im using this as the final
chapter in my recovery, and I hope it inspires people to overcome the adversity that they are
facing in their own lives. The journey that I am about to discuss is one that has taken me to
the depths of my mind, from a place of utter despair and suicidal ideation to a place of
peace, bliss, joy and control. I believe everybody has the ability to overcome adversity so
long as they find the right knowledge, have faith that they will get better and have the
motivation to take them to the place that they want to be.
So where to start - three years ago I was so lost and depressed. I was 21 years old, addicted
to cannabis, alcohol and all manner of distractions. I started to experiment with stronger
drugs in order to bolster my self esteem and allow me to experience some form of inner
peace. On the outside I was a confident, charming and happy young man. But this was a lie,
both to myself and to my friends and family. I believe many people are living this lie. Basing
their lives on what other people think, pretending to others that they are truly happy in order
to trick themselves into believing the same. But late at night when they are lying in bed, or in
the morning when they wake up before the distractions of the day start, they feel lonely,
scared and rather sad.
After about 6 months of experimenting with drugs I decided to go travelling with some friends
to Croatia. Our first stop was a dance music festival called Outlook. I remember on the ferry
to the festival feeling a deep sense of worthlessness, I felt that everybody on that ferry was
better than me and that I was living a lie. Without realising it at the time - the child within me
was balling and crying out with fear and shame. (Writing this now, I'm imagining myself
holding that lost child, kissing him on the head and telling him that he is amazing - that he is
PERFECT). We arrived in Pula a beautiful town in Croatia where we were to attend a dance
music festival. I was in a stunning area with happy people and the sun on my back; from the
perspective of my friends and the rest of the world it looked as if I had nothing really to worry
about. However, on the inside I was lost, shy, scared, embarrassed and ashamed.
On the first night of the festival I went out and took some drugs which acted as a respite from
my pain and for a few hours the despair I felt disappeared and I was able to socialise and

dance without the shame and fear I had become so accustomed to battering my sense of
self. On returning to our accommodation in the early hours of the morning we decided to
head down to the beach for a smoke and to watch the sunrise. This is the moment my life
changed forever. Suddenly whilst lying on the white pebbled beach and looking up to the sky,
the clouds came alive; the drugs were making me hallucinate and the clouds were exploding
into images splattering my subconscious all over the mornings sky. The child within me was
terrified (hes shaking slightly now with me reminiscing on this; Im holding him tightly). I ran
into my hostel and climbed up onto the top bunk of my bright orange plastic bed. Looking at
the walls I could see little men with daggers running around stabbing each other and scary
faces screaming at me - now the walls had come alive too! I don't want to dive too deeply
into the experiences I had that night as my inner child still feels slightly traumatised by it, but
it was the longest most terrifying, painful night of my life...... I was sure I was loosing my
mind. My chronological self, my adult self, my ego left me that night; I was left as a
terrified wounded child of around 7 years old. I was stuck as this little child dealing with the
thoughts that I was loosing my mind, dealing with the terrifying hallucinations and an
incredibly deep sense of shame; I felt such a deep shame, I felt utterly utterly worthless.
and truly petrified.
The next morning I awoke from the relative safety of a dream and everything was different!! I
wasnt stuck as a child anymore, my adult self had returned in part; but a terrified,
traumatised child was left within me, crying out for someone to look after him, but there was
nobody there! I couldn't look after him, I didnt really know he existed, how could I- Id never
been given the knowledge. All I had ever known was how to protect myself from my pain. So
I pushed my little child away! I didn't want to feel his pain. Why would I? Why would I want to
feel fear and feel shame? I stood up and started to walk around, everything felt strange and
unusual; I felt like I was in a dream and literally started to pinch myself to check whether or
not I was dreaming; no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't tell whether I was in reality or in
a dream. This terrified me. I walked through my hostel room over the beer cans, half smoked
spliffs and passed out bodies that were lining the floor and looked into a mirror that was
hanging on the wall. 'What the FUCK' I thought as I looked at what reflected back at me. I
knew it was me who was looking back as the reflection moved in the same way and blinked
when I blinked and he had the same scruffy ginger hair as mine, but it was as if I was looking
at a stranger, I didn't recognise myself! Its difficult to describe the sense of dread that I felt
the first time I looked in that mirror. It was a sense of immense terror and it ran deeply
through my spine, over my shoulders and then resonated through my whole body. I realise
now that my inner child must have been cowering into the corners of my mind without
anyone coming to rescue him. (Dear Little Me-Ive fucking got you now buddy, Im here now!
Im here now!!!!!!). I rolled a spliff and smoked him away. Thinking back he must have felt so
betrayed, so lonely and so lost!! He needed me to be there, he needed me to hold him tight
and tell him that he was SAFE!! The child within me felt as if his whole world was falling
apart! -(Dear little me, Im so sorry I wasn't there for you, Ive got you now, I love you so
much and Im so glad you have forgiven me. I will NEVER ever leave you again, Ive got you
now! Ive fucking got you buddy and Ill never let you go). I spent the whole day in my bed in
the hostel, frantically distracting myself from my fear by reading a book I had brought with

me, I would read the same page over and over maybe 5 or 6 times without taking anything
in, the fear had taken over my whole mind and I just didn't have an ounce mental capacity
spare for concentrating on reading- but I persevered, anything outside of that book was too
terrifying for me to experience, so I just read pages over and over again trying to force the
rest of the world out of my mind. I remember at one point looking over at my friend Oli and
thinking that he was me, and then I thought hang on, if he is me, who am I?, my sense of
self was so nonexistent that I thought for a few seconds that my friend that I had known most
of my life was in fact me- fear is a very powerful emotion, it really can trick the mind in
amazing ways.
So this all happened on the second night of a three week trip around Croatia; In hindsight I
should have gotten onto the first flight back home and found myself a psychologist to work
with, but at the time this wasn't an option. The fear of being judged by my peers and family
was too intense, my little child was ashamed of admitting that we were in trouble and scared
of everyones disapproval- looking back I was completely co-dependent, my fear and shame
were stopping me from looking after myself and acting on my own best interests. So I stayed
on the trip with no idea of what was happening to me, I was so lost, so scared and so alone!
If I was there for my inner child I would have told him that the only person you have to prove
anything to is yourself, that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you, because I
am proud of you and I love you and that I will save you, I will get us the help we need; but
at the time how could I have done this, I don't believe many 21 year old men brought up in a
Western society would have the self awareness to distinguish between truthful and self
limiting beliefs- I certainly didnt - nobody teaches you this! Im afraid were brought up in a
very emotionally lost society! Its such a shame. Everyone needs to be taught how to be
there for their own emotions. Why don't they teach this in school? There should be a new
compulsory subject- Emotional Intelligence.
My friends didn't understand; I had a bloody good old moan to them but they just brushed it
off and said that they were feeling a bit rough too. My god they had no idea what I was
experiencing. It was truly truly terrifying. Earlier that year my dad had told me not to take any
drugs as they would really mess with my head; It was happening I thought he was right,
Im loosing my mind!!, I wasnt; I was just very very scared. The fear was so intense, but at
the same time, I had nothing really to be afraid of, no one was trying to kill me, I wasn't
terminally ill or in any immediate danger, so my mind was looking for things to be afraid of in
any way that it could; it was looking for danger within itself. I would see the light flicker in a
corridor and think that I had just imagined it, I would hear someone speaking switch from
French to English and believe that I had imagined the change in language, my surroundings
becoming darker as a cloud passed by sun would make me jump out of my skin, I would
believe that the change in light must be a hallucination. I had a serious lack of psychological
knowledge back then and was very prone to catastrophising, so I came to the solid
conclusion that I was in fact Schizophrenic. For three weeks I was travelling around with my
friends, not really talking or joining in, just existing in a perpetual state of fear buried in my
own mind- it was hard to find distractions that were powerful enough, so I was almost
constantly in my own head ruminating about the fact that I had done it now, that I was never

going to gain my sanity back. Im sorry if I come across as crude here but my only small
release from the prison of my mind was once a day for about 10 minutes when I would
masturbate in the hostel bathroom, it was the only distraction strong enough to take me away
from the fearful thoughts that I was having; looking back I remember feeling like a desperate
mess, an excuse of a human being. If I was to go back I would say to my inner child You are
perfect, this is all going to pass, I promise you this is all going to pass! We WILL BEAT THIS!
WE WILL BEAT THIS! I love you so much and I will not let anything happen to you, I promise
you this will not last forever, you are safe, you are amazing, you are PERFECT! I would
imagine holding him in my arms and telling him that WE will make it. (My inner child is upset
by this memory, so now I'm telling him as I have done hundreds of times when old traumatic
memories come back that WE HAVE MADE IT NOW, WE HAVE FUCKING MADE IT - he
really loves and is empowered by this statement- it always brings a tear to my eye knowing
how far we have come).
For weeks I would have crazy thoughts that I didn't actually exist and that my whole life was
an illusion. It felt as if the world just wasn't real. I would usually stay in the hostel rooms on
my own whilst my friends were out partying. I wasn't sleeping and believe I went around 2
weeks sleeping on average just one or two hours a night. But those dreams were amazing, I
was free in my dreams, I felt safe in my dreams. I remember one thought that I used to have
from time to time was the fact that there WAS an escape from this- I could kill myself. I would
have this thought and at first it would bring me a great sense of relief, then I would remember
that I would never be able to do that to my mum, and I would feel utterly disappointed and
trapped again!
So much happened to me in those three weeks, so many terrifying experiences and thoughts
and feelings. One day about 2 weeks after my first night of terror we had arrived at a little
seaside town in central Croatia and I started thinking, I wonder if the drugs are still in my
system..then everything started getting a little brighter, music became more intense,
everything became more vivid, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK I thought, Im coming up again, Im
becoming high, this was really scary and again displays the immense power fear has over
the mind; this fear had made me come up as if I had just taken a strong ecstasy pill. I really
felt high as a kite, but at the same time incredibly scared. How was this happening I kept
saying to myself, why me, why me, I felt like such a victim and was sure my life was over. I
had episodes like this over and over for the next few weeks and was convinced that my life
really was doomed. Its very difficult to put into words how exciting and thrilling that trip to
Croatia wasnothing was happening to me on the outside, but on the inside I was on a
journey of epic proportions. I don't think about those three weeks too often because it isn't
fair to my inner child, however, I often dip in and out of the memories holding my little man as
I go, telling him that we are safe now, assuring him that we will never go back there, that I am
so sorry for doing that to him. I explain to him that if I had known he existed I would never
have done that to him. I tell him that I have got him now, I grab his arm tight and pull him into
my chest. He has forgiven me now, hes beginning to feel safe again now.
I returned to the UK on the night of my Mum and Dads 30th wedding anniversary, they were
having a big party and I had promised to sing a song that I had prepared for the occasion. I

had never performed in front of an audience before but my low self esteem and the fear of
being judged if I was not to follow through had made it impossible for me not to do it. I was
sure that this would be the moment I would loose my mind for good. I remember standing
outside the marquee before I was supposed to go on looking at the ground and thinking I
could see crabs scuttling around (I don't live near the seaside)- again this was just fear
playing tricks on my mind. I stood up and performed my song, fittingly named crazy and the
lady. To my surprise my anxiety levels actually decreased whilst I was up there in front of all
those people; the stage fright was a welcomed distraction from the intense terror that I had
been experiencing for the last few weeks of my life. It makes me laugh looking back at it, all
those people around me dancing, drinking and laughing with no idea that I was thinking I
could see crabs running across the floor. How I wish I could go back and hug that scared
little boy. In a way I suppose I often do, the memories are still there; in my minds eye I often
go back in time, hold myself tightly and whisper to myself everything is going to be ok, you
are safe, its really quite a cathartic and beautiful mental process.
Now I was back in the UK and had steady internet access I could begin looking more deeply
into the mental issues that I was having and discovered that I was suffering from chronic
Depersonalisation disorder. It was a relief to know that I was not alone with this and that it
was possible to recover, however, because I had spent so long thinking I was loosing my
mind, I was well and truly traumatised. After meeting with 3 councillors who, bless them, I
suppose were a little out of their depth, I found a fantastic psychologist called Sandy to work
with and she instilled a huge sense of hope and motivation within me. My first session with
her pretty much consisted of me crying in agony replaying the mental terrors that I had been
through and then she gave me an incredibly inspiring speech, she told me that we were in
this together and that if we worked together I would beat this as I left she handed me a
piece of paper which I later opened - shed written LIFES A CHALLENGE, EMBRACE IT
AND ENJOY IT!! I am eternally thankful to Sandy and I am sure she saved my life. She gave
me hope that I would beat this and although my inner child was 99.99 % sure I was doomed,
she gave me, the chronological me, the hope I needed to keep going.
Over the next year I was to suffer from chronic anxiety, I was traumatised from the whole
thing and was told by a few mental health professionals that I was suffering from post
traumatic stress disorder. The fear had really infiltrated my whole psyche. My scared inner
child had pretty much taken the reigns of my mind and was constantly catastrophising over
our situation. He was sure we had lost it and were never going to find peace and happiness
again. But Sandy kept instilling hope within me! You will beat this, you will beat this, you
are going to find happiness and peace again, and when you do it will feel amazing; I feel so
lucky to have found her. She put the ball back in my court. She told me that if I worked hard
and if I stayed strong I could grow my brain in a new way in order to overcome this. My father
is a doctor, he was desperately worried about me and was sure that I should sort out the
chemical imbalance in my brain. I went to see other doctors and they all said the same,
however, my intuition strongly told me differently, and Im so glad I listened to it. Going on
medication would have had the opposite effect to what I needed! I needed a sense of power
over my own mind, I needed to know that I had control. Unfortunately Im sure so many
people with mental health problems listen to their doctors, believe there is a chemical

imbalance causing their pain and then without realising it, have the power and faith they
need to overcome their adversity taken away! Maybe if I hadn't found Sandy I would have
believed the doctors and not have been given that first boost of strength that I so desperately
needed to overcome my anxiety.
The first stage of my recovery was to push the fears away. Every time disturbing thoughts or
images would arise I would push them away!! This must have been my inner child crying out
for me to save him, but I didn't have the knowledge or wisdom to help him at that point. So
my main priority was protecting myself from his fears. I would distract myself, I would
exercise intensely and smoke and watch endless TV and try to laugh with my friends. The
whole time fear would be pulsing up and down my spine- again I know this now to be my
inner self desperately traumatised screaming out in agony. But at the time this was just fear
and pain that I couldn't deal with it. I was frantically pushing and pushing this pain and fear to
the back of my mind, wanting it to go away! I thought if I could forget about it and eventually
bury it in my distant memories I would be fixed. I started practicing positive thinking, for much
of the day I would repeat over and over- its all happening perfectly, I will beat this, there is
nothing to fear, I am safe, I am getting better and better everyday. This would make me
feel better for a while as it would block out the terrorising and catastrophic thoughts, but
nothing was being healed. Months had passed and I still couldn't look up at the sky without
reliving all the trauma of my trip to Croatia. I used to laugh with my friends that I was scared
of the clouds , I wasn't scared of the clouds; I was scared that they would, through
association to the night I took the drugs, bring my traumatised inner child back to the surface
of my mind. I believe what I was doing is what anyone who has suffered a trauma does, they
block it out. They push it away, they push their inner self down and don't let them have any
say. Its not natural to want to feel pain, and we are not taught that we need to feel our pains
in order to heal. So thats what we do, we push them away and never really deal with them. I
know thats certainly what I had done for most of my life, and that is what I was doing with
this trauma; but it was so strong, I could always feel it there in the back of my mind. I could
always feel something inside of me crying out. Christmas came round and I was to go on a
skiing holiday with my family, I was scared because I know clouds are in abundance and
hard to miss when you are in the mountains- the little bastards. I got to the airport and
suddenly felt all the feelings that I had in Croatia coming back to the forefront of my mind
I started to feel like I was in a dream again. Something inside of me was saying NO!!
something primal within me didn't want me to get on that plane. It felt as if I was flying back
to Croatia, like I was flying back into hell. I broke my everythings fine, I'm ok, Im hard
exterior and burst into tears hugging my Dad. I remember wanting him to hold me like I was
a child, I felt such an urge to be rescued by him. We didn't end up going on holiday and on
the drive home whilst staring out the car window a pacifying fantasy ran through my head; I
was a little boy again, and all I needed was for my daddy to pick me up and hug me until I
felt better. I imagined myself as around 4 years old just lying in my dads arms, it felt so good,
for a few seconds I felt so safe; but then I would have the sharp realisation that I was not a
child, I was a 21 year old man and there was nobody coming to save me. God I wished I was
a child again! I just wanted to feel safe. I know now that there was a child crying out to be
held by his daddy, it was my inner child, and he wasn't crying out to be held by my dad, he

was crying out to be held by ME.


Due to the depersonalisation that I was experiencing, I started to question everything. What
happens when you experience depersonalisation is that because everything looks and feels
different to what it has done your whole life, you start to question the reality that you know,
you start to question your whole existence- and you begin to perceive things differently. This
is incredibly painful because the main cause of depersonalisation is intense fear, so when
you experience these new perceptions you experience them in an incredibly traumatic way.
You feel as if everything you know is a lie, and you feel incredibly small in comparison to the
infinity of the universe. You can come to the false realisation that everything is pointless and
that there is no meaning to the world. Its truly terrifying and is called existential anxiety; just
writing the word existential sends a shiver and a sense of dread down the back of my arms.
(Buddy, I have got you now, we will not go back there, you are safe now). One of my shifted
perceptions was especially scary! Instead of seeing humans as we are conditioned to, as
special, as this wonderful, majestic creature that is above nature- I started to see us as we
really are, animals, no different than any other primates. It looked strange to me that we as
animals were using mobile phones, eating to the point of being obese and dropping bombs
on each other. One thing I noticed was that extremely overweight people looked so unnatural
to me, I suppose because you never really see overweight animals in nature. Of course I
know that we really are very similar to other primates and that we are part of nature, but the
drastic, rapid shift in perception and blunt realisation of this was terrifying to me. I had to
block it out. I couldn't look in the mirror as I would see myself as an animal, I had to always
wear socks as my toes would remind me of my animalistic qualities. Also, fashion became
bemusing to me- what the hell are all these animals doing buying stupid pieces of fabric to
make themselves look different.. it was baffling to me, and at the time very scary. Those
shifts in perception would happen quite a lot when I was going through intense periods of
fear, and it felt like there was no escape from them. If I had the knowledge then that I have
now I would tell my inner child that this is just an image, these are just thoughts, they cant
hurt you, nothing can hurt you because I have got you, I have got you. My inner child loves
this phrase I have got you I think because I pushed him away for so long, because he was
crying out for so long for someone to help him that he needs reassurance that I have got
him, and that Im holding him tightly and not letting go. Maybe part of me feels like it is too
good to be true and that one day we might be split up again. (I promise you buddy, we wontour connection is too strong for that now).
Over a period of two years I continued to push my pain away, I continued to push my inner
child down and drown him out. I would feel this trauma within me, and I was scared of it. I
wouldn't address it because I didn't have the knowledge that I could heal it. It was just there
like a devil stoking a fire within me and I hoped that with time it would naturally just pass. By
this point I was aware of a theory behind the 2 minds the child and the adult, although I
would use the terminology of the chronological self as the adult and the real self as the
child. I was assured by Sandy that with time the two would align. I was taught to talk to
myself as if I was talking to a child and to a certain degree this worked. Each time a fearful
irrational thought would come up, I would counter it with logic.. and over time I would begin

to believe it. So I was slowly getting better. I had been learning about anxiety and mental
health for 2 years, read tonnes of psychology books and worked constantly in order to
understand how my mind worked. I definitely felt better, had graduated university, overcome
my issues with social anxiety and really felt strong as a person. However, I knew something
was a miss. I could feel this terror in my mind, I could feel something calling out, I could feel
the child within me still crying and balling, terrified that he would loose his mind. Then
everything changed- Sandy my psychologist had just read Healing your aloneness by
Margaret and Erika and she recommended that I read it. It was amazing to me. The
examples within the book, and the manner in which people spoke to there inner child in a
caring, compassionate voice really resonated with me, I used to talk to myself in a much
more stern and authoritarian voice, I believe this is why my progress had previously been
slow. I was in tears the whole way through reading the book, it really was beautiful to me.
The book obviously spoke to me, however, I was afraid of any change in the mind which I
had worked so hard to get stable and so when working through the exercises in the book I
felt great fear and skepticism. I started working with old pictures of myself, talking to images
from my childhood as if I was talking to past Chris, I really tried hard to imagine who I was
as a kid and in a pretty uncharacteristically caring and compassionate voice I would tell my
past self that I was here for him if he needed me and that I was so sorry I had left him. This
all felt very strange to me at first and at times I would start laughing at the sheer absurdity of
it all, thinking haha if my family could see me now, tenderly caressing and trying to win over
an old photo of my self..they would think I was fucking nuts. but as one of my
heroes Susan Jeffers often says in order to heal you need all the little gimmicks you can
find. I needed and desperately wanted this to work- so I decided to persevere through the
self imposed awkwardness.
At first it seemed like I wasn't getting anywhere and although I was very skeptical and
thought that it wouldn't work, I had nothing to loose and fully committed to it, writing and
trying to talk to my inner child everyday. One day whilst sitting watching TV I could feel the
terror and trauma that I was so used to buzzing away in the back on my mind. I looked up at
an old picture of myself hanging on the wall; I tenderly grabbed my left arm with my right
hand, squeezed it tightly and pulled it into my belly and then I said in a firm yet
compassionate voice Ive got you now, Ive got you now, IVE GOT YOU NOW!! I felt an epic
sense of relief and instant peace as tears started streaming down my face. I knew in that
moment that I had created a connection to the inner child that for so long had been crying
out for attention. I stayed staring at the photo stroking and hugging myself repeating over and
over- Ive got you, Ive got you, Ive got you over and over Im here now Ive got you, Im
here Im here, Ive got you your mine and Ill never let you go , Im so sorry I left you, Im
here now Your safe now weve made it its over!!! Im in tears now just writing this, it was
one of the most amazing moments of my life. I had found him, I had found my inner child, my
inner self. I had battered and bruised and abused him most of my life and in the last two
years due to the trauma that I put him through he had gone into hiding! He was truly truly
petrified for so long and all he needed was somebody to hold him and tell him that everything
was going to be OK, to tell him that he was safe!! All my fears began to melt away as I
stroked myself and spoke to my inner child. It was the most amazing feeling, it felt like
ecstasy, pure bliss. After so many years of fear and pain my inner child finally felt

safe..I finally felt safe!!!! (Im hugging myself now, the love I feel for him, the love I feel
for ME is so immense).
So I had made a connection, now I knew what I needed to do! I needed to build and build on
this new relationship that I had formed and over the past year I have been working with my
inner child everyday. At first it was to heal the trauma that I had experienced over the last few
years. I had to continuously assure my inner child that I was here for good, I had to build the
trust back up between us. I would speak to him everyday. It wasn't easy, he had a lot of pain
to share with me. But I made sure I was always there. It wasn't like normal pain either, it
wasn't the pain of a victim crying out, it was the pain of a survivor. I was happy to feel my
inner childs pain, it became my duty and one that I was very happy to fulfil. Im a guitarist
and singer and I used to sit with my guitar for hours at a time looking at old pictures of my
self on the wall, singing to my inner child, feeling him flowing round my body, feeling him in
my fingers- I would reach down an kiss my shoulder as I played- he loved that!! I have made
up many songs for him, they are so powerful to me and if I am ever feeling a little shaky I can
pick up my guitar, sing one to him and we feel safe again. It took a while for the trauma to
heal and from time to time painful memories and images still come to mind, but I have
control now, I have control over my mind! Me and my inner child together are stronger than
any fearful thoughts, we are stronger than any images- we've got each other now and we will
never ever go back to where we were. Ive stopped dealing with fear and pain by saying
things such as I will be OK or I am safe instead I say we will be OK we are safe, We we
we we we we we - my inner child knows that WE are in this together,WE really is such a
powerful word for me to use.
Once I had healed the trauma from recent years I could move onto fixing other self limiting
beliefs and healing other pains from the rest of my life.
My inner child felt as if he was unintelligent, a belief he formulated due to comparison to my
siblings- Ive let him know that his worth isn't based on his intelligence, Ive given him the
belief that he is perfect just as he is, that he was always intelligent it was just his low self
esteem that made him believe otherwise.
My inner child felt as if his happiness was dependent on falling in love with a girl, Ive let him
know that he doesn't need saving by anybody outside of himself, Ive let him know that when
he is ready it will happen and that we have been too busy filling ourselves from the inside for
it to happen yet, Ive let him know that happiness comes from within.
My inner child used to believe that he was fat- a belief that he formulated at the age of 11,
after a seed was planted by a childhood friend- Ive let my child know that said friend was
lying. Ive let him know the truth- that we have never been fat, and that even if we were it is
not something that determines our worth.
My inner child felt ever so judged, he felt constantly restricted in what he could say due to
fear of me (as an unloving adult) popping up and saying to him negative things such as you
might have caused offence or maybe people don't find that joke funny or what if she was
upset when you didn't laugh at her joke. I have now explained to him that he can not control
others feelings about him, that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of him
because I love him and Im proud of him, Ive finally allowed him to be himself- I laugh and

joke a lot more than I used to now, Im better at meeting people and I think people generally
really like me. If they dont it doesn't even matter because my inner child knows that it really
is their loss because we are amazing. My inner child knows that no matter how anyone
reacts to us we are a worthwhile person.
My inner child used to think that he needed to build a life to make his parents proud and to
compete with his peers, now he is learning that life is not a competition, that happiness
comes from within and that it doesn't matter what other people do or have - now together we
are searching for our true purpose in life, and we believe that our true purpose is to help heal
the fear in this world and to spread joy! We have realised that true happiness cannot be
bought, true happiness is not found out there. At first it comes from within, from changing
your beliefs and building a connection with your inner self and then it comes from spreading
your new found joy to the world- from HELPING OTHERs.
My inner child used to believe that people were generally not very nice. This meant that I
would go into social situations in a rather defensive way, I would always feel slightly under
attack and as a result used to feel quite anxious at times in social situations. I have taught
my inner child that people are in fact generally kind hearted and that he doesn't need to
protect himself because I will always be there for him. I have taught him to see through the
negatively tinted social lens that he used to look through. Now we have started to see people
as loving and kind rather than hostile and mean. Thats right, I used to think of people as
mean, that word in itself is a word used by children, not adults, this expresses clearly that it
was a child within me that felt vulnerable around others.
Due to the feeling that others were hostile and mean my inner child used to be under the
opinion that everyone he met hated him. I have explained to him that people do not hate
him, or even dislike him in anyway. I ask him, what is not to like? and he answers after a
long think nothing; then I explain yes, your right, there is nothing not to like about you, this
is an out of place belief created as a way of protecting yourself from the perceived hostility of
social situations - he believes me now and doesn't feel this hostility much anymore.
I have worked through layers and layers of false beliefs over the last year and my connection
with myself has grown incredibly strong. I have just fished out all the journals I have used to
dialogue with my inner child- pages and pages of figuring out and healing my past. So much
has happened to me in the last few years and I have so much I would love to talk about with
regards to my recovery; one day I wish to write a book to help people better understand
some of the principles that I have been so lucky to have learnt over the last few years. I feel
truly blessed to have the knowledge that I have now. Although in the last 3 years I have
experienced a huge amount of pain, I have gained so much more. On the outside my life has
probably looked pretty boring, my family and friends may have seen me taking my dog for a
walk or watching a lot of TV and thought that I haven't really been achieving too much; but
they haven't been able to see the transformation that has been happening within. Three
years ago I didn't know what it meant to love yourself, I was sad, lonely, painfully shy and
searching for answers in all the wrong places. I used to think, when I get a girlfriend I will be
happy, when I find the right drug I will be content, when I go travelling I will be at peace,
when I have the right group of friends I will feel good againSomething was missing,
I knew something was missing and I had no idea how to fix it; now I do!!!! That thing that I

have been searching for throughout so much of life has been with me the whole time, I just
didn't know it was there! My inner self! My inner child!!!
The world is becoming more and more of a gorgeous place to me now. At times I experience
true peace and it is really amazing, walking my dog looking around at the countryside I
realise that everything is so beautiful, the birds sound amazing, the blue sky is so vivid, I love
the rain, the smell of the wind and I love my family and friends so much more than I ever
have. I am much healthier than I used to be, I haven't drank alcohol for a year and don't think
I ever will again, Im no longer addicted to nicotine, and my addiction to distractions and
snacks are becoming more diluted. I know that I still have a long way to go and will probably
be on this journey my whole life but Im really enjoying the process and becoming more at
peace all the time.
If you are suffering from anxiety please have faith!! If you have faith and a vision of freedom
in sight you will make it! If you keep looking for answers you will find them. Trust me I have
been to the absolute depths of my mind and come out laughing!! You can too! If you are still
struggling, good luck, you've got an incredible journey of self discovery ahead of you!! Make
it your mission to get better and you will! Remember- LIFE IS A CHALLENGE-EMBRACE IT
AND ENJOY IT!!!
In more recent times I have stopped writing to my inner child so much, I don't need to as
much anymore, I am always there for him when he needs me, he trusts me now- he loves
me now, we are slowly becoming ONE!
I used to hear people on TV say that true happiness comes from within or from helping
others, and to be honest I thought it was a load of shit! Unless you have experienced a self
generated change in happiness from within, you will not understand that it is possible. You
only really know it if you have yourself felt it; otherwise you will believe what our competitive,
success driven, capitalist society leads you to believe and you look in all the wrong places to
content yourself. Everybody needs the knowledge that happiness comes from within and
when everybody has it and everybody has the tools to create it, the world will be a much
safer, more peaceful place! We need to spread this knowledge and spread this joy! As
Margaret and Erika say.. first we heal ourselves, then we heal the planet!!!!
Dear Little Me- Ive got you now, I love you, Ill never let you go!!!

Margaret Paul - Thanks for taking the time to share all this with us. Your journey has been
truly amazing! I honor you for doing the work you needed to do to heal, and I hope you do
write a book about it. Blessings to you.

Feel the fear - I can FUCKING DO THISCOMMON!!!!!

It was five months into my recovery when I discovered Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway. This
book by psychologist Susan Jeffers has been absolutely essential to my recovery and has
taught me some amazingly profound yet simple lessons. If you are in any way suffering from
low self esteem, social anxiety or a lack in confidence.read this book, it could transform
your life in the most amazing way. Her words have truly inspired me and taken me from a
place of pain and paralysis to a place where I feel I can do anything with my life, where no
challenge is too big and nothing really scares me. For most of my teenage years and early
twenties I was stuck in a rut. I was fearful of doing almost anything new and used to think of
this fear as a signal that I should not do something- it really was paralysing me. I used to
think it impossible to go on a night out without having a drink. How could anyone socialise
without booze I would think. I had never really had a job because the fear of the unknown
and perceived judgment of others meant that I was terrified to put myself forwards. I was
well and truly stucknot moving forward in life with no sign that anything was going to
change. However, after reading feel the fear and do it anyway, my whole perception of life
changed. I really do believe that Susan Jeffers words of wisdom helped to save my life. She
taught me the most important lesson that I have ever learnt - THE ONLY WAY TO GET
OVER THE FEAR OF DOING SOMETHING IS TO DO IT! Sounds obvious doesn't it?
Everyone feels fear when they are in unfamiliar situations - it is completely natural, we have
evolved to fear the unknown as a way to keep us alive. Back in the day if you blindly walked
into the unknown without a sense of fear you wouldn't last very long. We needed that fear to
stop us from waltzing merely into a cave full of bears, or to prevent us from swimming too far
out of our depth. But with all the health and safety that the modern world has brought with it,
there isn't really the same need for this fear. But it is there all the same, usually in the form of
a fear of being judged, and it can be incredibly debilitating.
Thousands of years ago when humans were first exploring the environments around them
they had to push through their fears in order to survive, they had to explore different caves in
order to find food and shelter to survive. Once they had been in said cave once, the fear
would subside as they realised that they had survived. But that could have just been a lucky
one off, so the fear remains. But then they go into the cave a second time, pushing through
the fear again. They survive again and realise that maybe this cave isn't so dangerous after
all, so the fear subsides further. Every time they walk through the cave the fear subsides
even further, until they have walked through the cave so many times that they are pretty sure
they are not going to run into danger, eventually they are waltzing and dancing through the
cave without a care in the world, and all that horrible anxiety and fear has gone - they are
CONFIDENT in the cave now.
The principle works exactly the same today. Our minds do not know something is safe until
we have done it a number of times - we have evolved to be this way and it is never going to
change. So we have to accept that the only way we can reduce our fears is to push through
them, the more fears we push through, the less we fear and the more confident we become.
Its simple really - if you want more confidence, scare yourself as much as you can by
venturing into the unknown. There is an amazing sense of power and a great thrill in doing
this. I know once I started I couldn't stop, I wanted my comfort zone as big as I could

possibly get it and I wanted to get rid of as many fears as I could.


I decided I didn't want to be this shy and nervous person anymore! I wanted to be one of
those people who could walk into a room and spark a conversation with anyone, I wanted to
be able to play my guitar and sing in a bar, I wanted to be able to ask a girl out on a date
without caring about rejection, I wanted to be able to travel the world and get a job that I
loved without fucking fear holding me back!!! I was lying in bed reading feel the fear and do it
anyway when I realised that I didn't have to be unconfident anymore - my future was in my
hands - I could be whoever I wanted to be!!! I remember standing up in my room, shouting
FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!, FUCK THIS! I CAN FUCKING DO THIS.COMMON!!! I CAN
FUCKING DO THIS!!!!! And from that moment I have never looked back. This revelation
propelled me into a mission of personal growth.. I WAS GOING TO be CONFIDENT!
Fear was no longer going to be an obstacle in my life, but rather a tool directing me towards
areas where I was in need of growth.
I re-read Susan Jeffers book over and over in order to imbed her powerful message into my
psyche! I had to push through fears!! It was the only way that I could create the life that I
wanted! It was the only way that I could become the person that I really wanted to be. I
decided I would push through at least one fear a day, starting small and building up until I
was the person that I wanted to be. Before I went to bed I would write down the fear that I
was to push through the next day, and I would go to sleep with an enormous sense of power
that I was doing something, that I was changing. When you suffer from debilitating social
anxiety it isn't difficult to find things that you are afraid of, all you have to do is put yourself
into social situations that you would usually avoid.
I looked up all the societies that my university had to offer and signed up to everything I
found that scared me. Boxing, squash, gymnastics, rugby, tennis, dry slope skiing, climbing,
band society, singing lessons. Its amazing looking back on who I was only two years ago. I
was living such a terribly restricted existence.
It seems strange to me now that joining any of these societies would actually scare me in the
slightest, but they really did terrify meI wasn't scared of the activities themselves, I was
scared of people, I scared of being judged. Fuck, I cared so much what other people
thought. Today I look back on my past self with such love and compassion, he was so lost,
petrified and alone, but fuck me he was brave!!! I thank him so much his bravery. He knew
the life he was wanting to create! And he knew that the only way to create it was to feel his
fears, so thats what he did. Everyday he would face his fears head on with the hope and
faith that one day he would become the confident and amazing person that he wanted to be.
Now two years on and I am confident, I am the image that he had in his mind! I feel almost
no fear in social situations, I can pick up a guitar and sing in a bar with no fear at all, only joy,
I don't really care what anyone else thinks of me, Ive started travelling the world on my own
and Ive even been interviewed on radio 4. Fuck me I have come so far, it really is amazing
and I am so so thankful to my past self. He was wounded and he was hurting, but he knew
what he wanted and he had the balls and the drive to take it! I used to read hundreds of
motivational quotes in order to help me when I was feeling disheartened - one of my
favourites being Do something today that your future self will thank you for..and I am so

so thankful to my fragile but brilliant past self!


Dear Chris from two years ago: You are my hero, you had so much courage and so much
fight inside of you. I know you were going through hell and I thank you so much for not giving
up! Im just thinking about all the sacrifices you made for me. All the times you put yourself in
incredibly painful situations in order to create me. I am so thankful to you, your an absolute
legend. I cant believe you used to think so badly of yourself!! You used to think you were
worthless and inferior to everybody.. but you werent. You were amazing! You did exactly
what you needed to do for me! Thank you thank you thank you!

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