PARENTING ISSUES

Anger | Of Interest | Positive Guidance | Communicating | Television | Crisis

ANGER
WHAT IS ANGER?
Anger is a way that the body gets ready to act. Its the way that Mother Nature enables us to assert ourselves
in the world. Anger is a normal reaction to stress, but it requires that we learn to deal with the resulting
behavior in an acceptable fashion.
DID YOU KNOW?
When it comes to marital strife, anger may be gender-specific. In 1990, University of Michigan researchers
studied 192 married couples. They found that in households where partners held back angry feelings, the
wives had a higher mortality rate than women in relationships where anger was openly expressed. For the
men, their wives anger had no affect upon their health or longevity.
HEALTHY VS. UNHEALTHY ANGER
Most children and adults have feelings of anger from time to time. When anger is expressed in a way that
allows us to share our feelings and our opinions calmly, or when anger is expressed in a way that helps us to
change a situation or to solve a problem, it is healthy. Anger that is "held in" until the person needs to explode
is unhealthy anger.
Examples of healthy anger:
Using words to say "That idea makes me angry because...." OR "It makes me angry when you...."
Examples of unhealthy anger:
Fighting, verbal abuse, hitting/biting/kicking, or hurting another person in some way.
Treating Tantrums
No parent wants to have a child throw dishes or kick the dog when they become angry. Here are some
thoughts on how to help kids express their anger in an acceptable way:

Set a good example. Parents are the most important teachers for their children. A parent who talks
about being angry and tries to solve problems with words is a powerful model for a child!
Tell children that anger is healthy, but the way we show anger is important. Getting upset about being
mistreated by a friend on the playground is one thing, but fighting over a toy is another.

Do not allow physical or verbal abuse in the home. Verbal abuse is not useful in expressing anger ("I
wish you were dead."). Physical abuse does not help to change angry feelings either.

If your child's anger increases beyond an occasional flare-up, and your talking seems futile, seek help from a
professional.
SIX STRATEGIES FOR PARENTS TO COOL OFF
1. Redirect your thoughts. Think about something pleasant.
2. Meditate. Relax in a comfortable position. Focus on your breathing. Inhale...exhales...think of
something peaceful or quiet.
3. Adopt a pet. Having a pet causes people to take their mind off their own worries. Research shows
that having a pet can lower blood pressure, too.
4. Live healthy! Exercise and reduce caffeine, sugar, and high fat foods.
5. Help others. Those people who volunteer in their communities have been found to have better health
and feel less angry than those who do not serve as volunteers.
6. Be forgiving. People who forgive others for their negative behaviors can feel less frustrated and angry
themselves.
RISK FACTORS ASSOCIATED WITH ANGER IN CHILDREN
Stress and frustration can cause children to become angry. As anger builds up over time, problems can result
for teachers, parents, and for children themselves. Here are some factors that cause children to feel
increases in anger:

Learning problems in school.

Family problems (divorce, illness).
Problems with friends or friendships.
Hyperactivity.
Lack of physical coordination or skills.

ANGER-RELATED CHECKLIST
Here are some anger-related behaviors your child may be demonstrating:

Over-react to simple requests/events.

Changed mood over long period of time.
Drop in school grades.
Social withdrawal. Loss of friends.
Great changes in sleeping or eating patterns.
Moody, irritable, discourteous to others.
Provokes fighting with others.
Loss of interest in physical appearance.
Blames others for their problems.

WHAT'S A PERSON TO DO?

What can be done when anger rules our life? Talk to someone. A spouse, another parent, a friend, a minister,
or a trained counselor can help us to put into perspective angry feelings or behaviors. Sometimes just talking
about what makes us angry (parent and child) can help us to think about solutions to our problems. At other
times, physical exercise helps us to relieve our anger.

COMMUNICATING WITH OUR CHILDREN

Parent-child communication is at the heart of teaching future adults effective ways to
communicate with others. Children learn attitudes, values, and behaviors, as well as gain
knowledge, through communicating with others - the most important of whom are their parents.
Communication between parent and child begins the day the child is born, or earlier, and
continues as the child grows, matures and changes.
PARENTS AS MODELS
Parents are the models that children imitate during their childhood years. Parents who pay
attention to their child's concerns and ideas teach their child that they are important in the family.
Parents also teach the child how to listen to someone who is speaking. When parents talk
respectfully to children, they are teaching children to be respectful when they speak. Shouting
teaches children to shout, just as the words we use teach children that it is all right to use the
words and language spoken in the home with others.
TALKING AND LISTENING
Talking and listening to children are the ways we most often communicate with our youngsters.
Our facial expressions, gestures, and body language can also send messages. As we talk and
listen with our children, some of the following suggestions could be useful to reflect upon:

Do allow children to express themselves in their own words.

Do listen carefully to what your child is saying.
Do let your child explain what happened before making your comments.
Do repeat what your child has said to clarify and show your understanding.
Do wait for your child to finish an idea before starting your response.
Do respect your child's ideas and feelings about situations.
Do not interrupt children when they are talking.
Do not change your child's words to fit your expectations.
Do not disagree immediately with what your child begins to say to you.
Do not finish your child's sentences for him/her.
Do not dismiss as unimportant your child's feelings (fears, angers, frustrations).
Do not change the subject of the conversation.
Do not jump to conclusions! Let your child express his/her thoughts.

WHEN CHILDREN SEEM TO HEAR ONLY PART OF THE MESSAGE

At times, our children seem to NOT listen well to parents. It could be that as adults, we are used
to talking about several things at once, or giving a list of chores all at the same time. An effective
way to help children to hear us better is to first get their attention, call them by name. Next, make
one request at a time. Thank your child for their help. Then, make a second request. Finally, as
children grow older, a short written list of ideas can help both you and your child to stay focused.
MAKING OPPORTUNITIES FOR LISTENING/TALKING WITH OUR YOUNGSTERS!
With Infants:

Talk face-to-face with your baby. Smile, speak softly - than more loudly, change your
speaking tone.
Talk about what is around you. Point to the lamp, book, or tree and name them.
As your baby coos or makes sounds, smile and say, "Yes," or "You talk so well."

With Toddlers:

Name objects in your child's world, the stop sign, the cow in the field, or the big truck.
Talk about what things do, like the knife cuts the apples, or the shovel digs the hole.
Ask your child questions, and listen to their answers.. .without interrupting. Where is that
bird? What is that boy doing?
Go outside and listen for sounds. Talk about what you both hear. The wind.. where is the
wind? The dog barking.. is it a big dog?

With Preschoolers:

Continue to name objects that may be new to your child.

Listen for their questions about things they discover and wonder about. Answer their
questions in words they understand.
Think about new experiences your child will enjoy. A visit to the library, a golf course, or a
farm can lead to lots of talking about what happens here or who works here.
Preschoolers love books. Read often. Talk about what the characters are doing.
Talk about the music or the program that your child watched. Listening and remembering
encourages thinking skills to develop!

School Aged Children:

Children this age love to talk about their friends. Listen and show interest by asking
questions about their activities.
Encourage reading together. Yes, together! Take turns reading pages or paragraphs of a
story. Talk about what might happen in the next chapter.
Ask about your child's day at school, or the birthday party they attended. Show an
interest in what they are doing.
Talk about your activities. Share what you are doing or something comical that happened.
Encourage children to talk directly with others: grandparents, teachers, friends. Help
them find the words they may need to discuss a concern they might have.
Listen carefully. Restate their idea to see if you are on target with their concern/idea.

Pre-Teens and Teens:

Arrange private times together. This could be during a drive to the store, or before
bedtime. Private time together encourages special talks between you and your child.
Realize that talking more with friends is part of your child's development. Allow your child
the freedom to talk with others.
Listen carefully to their ideas and concerns. You might not agree with their reaction to a
situation, but you can describe why another way to handle the situation could be
possible.
As pre-teens and teens grow they are looking for independence. Watch for things they
are doing well, thank them or offer them encouragement.

Include your child in family decisions when possible. Family vacations, visiting
grandparents, or pancake breakfasts can be discussed together. Paying bills, helping
with chores at home, or planting the garden can also be discussed.
Speak and listen respectfully. Your child is learning from you how to react to others.

POSITIVE GUIDANCE DURING CHILDHOOD

As children grow older and enter kindergarten and the elementary school years, recommended
guidance techniques are different from earlier years. Because cognitive skills are changing,
children can remember and think about their behaviors in different ways. They begin to see how
their behaviors can impact others. They can begin to cooperative, share, and wait for their turn
more easily. They want to be independent, and yet, they need encouragement. Here are some
additional thoughts on guiding children.
WHAT IS POSITIVE GUIDANCE?

Non-destructive to self-esteem.
Allows child to remain valued as a person.
Encourages cooperation.
Allows child to learn gradually the skills needed in taking responsibility for what happens.
Teaches child not to blame others.
Allows child to relate successfully.
Helps child to problem solve.

The goal of positive guidance is to help children develop positive self-concepts and healthy
functioning consciences.

THE REASONS FOR MISBEHAVIOR

A childs reasons for misbehavior may be a mystery to adults. Oftentimes misbehavior is related
to illness, attention seeking, lack of inner control, a power struggle with an adult, a desire for
revenge, of feelings of despair (low self-esteem). Adults should attempt to first, identify the cause
of the misbehavior. Next, adults should deal with the misbehavior. Some ways to deal with
misbehavior include:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

Redirect the child.

Remove the child from the activity.
Emphasize the positive areas of the childs interactions.
Set limits.
Talk privately about the behaviors and why they cannot be allowed.
Demonstrate behaviors you would like imitated.
When all else fails, talk with the parent/teacher. The child may be present during these
discussions.

DISCIPLINE IS....

Helping children learn to get along with others.

Teaching a child acceptable behaviors.
Helping a child to learn self-control.
Reinforcing a childs positive interactions with others.
Helping, teaching, and moving a child toward increased independence.

WAYS TO HELP CHILDREN FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES

Spend time with each child.

Tell your children often that they are loved.

Praise your childs abilities.
Allow children time to do things themselves.
Respect your childs feelings and thoughts.
When a mistake is made, admit the mistake.
Ask your child for an opinion/ideas.
Teach your child how to cope with success and failure.

Effective guidance depends on understanding each individual child and understanding the
way children act at different ages.

TELEVISION & VIEWING HABITS

How much television do you watch each day?
According to a National survey (1998) the average American watches 3 hours and 46 minutes of
television each day!
Television has become increasingly important in our lives. It is here to stay, although the TV does
cause parents to worry about its' influence on the lives of children, as well as their relationships
with others.
Here are some interesting statistics on television and our nation's viewing patterns! (A.C. Nielsen
Co., 1998)

Family Life:
98% of U.S. households have at least one television.
66% of Americans regularly watch TV while eating
dinner.
49% of Americans say they watch too much TV.

Average number of hours the TV set is on during the

day: 7 hrs., 12 minutes.

Children and Education:

Number of minutes per week most children spend watching TV = 1,197

Number of minutes per week most parents talk with their children = 38
Hours/week of TV viewing shown to have a negative affect on academic efforts = 10 or
more
81 % of 4th graders watch 14 or more hours of TV per week
Average number of hours/year our children watch television = 1,500
Average number of hours/year our children spend in school = 900

Violence and Health:

Number of violent acts the average American child sees on TV by age 18 = 200,000
Number of murders witnessed by children on television by age 18 = 16,000
Children behave differently after viewing violent acts - become less sensitive to the
suffering of others; more fearful of the world around them; and, behave more
aggressively towards others (APA Public Communications, 1999)
% of children who said they felt upset or scared by violence on TV = 91%
Number of medical studies since 1985 which link childhood obesity and excessive TV
watching = 12
Children ages 6-11 years who were seriously overweight in 1963 = 4.5%; In 1993 = 14%
Increase in network news coverage of homicide between 1990 & 1995 = 336%
Reduction in American homicide rate between 1990-1995 = 13%

WHAT'S A FAMILY TO DO?

Families need to gain an awareness of how the television is used in their home. Is it a source of
information and entertainment? Is it left on for "sound value" when no one is really watching? Are
parents aware of what children are viewing throughout the day? Do family members discuss what
is seen on their television? Are there set times when the television is turned off so that it does not
interfere with homework, visiting, or family activities?
Here are some ways you can influence the impact that television viewing can have on your family.
Use this checklist to identify what you are doing, what you may want to do, and what you might
consider in the future.

MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILD(REN) SEE ON YOUR TELEVISION. Decide together

(as a family) which programs are suitable for viewing. Monitor your child's TV time.

TURN THE TELEVISION OFF DURING MEALTIME! Having the TV on during meals
establishes poor eating habits and can lead to overeating. It interferes with talking, too.

DO NOT USE THE TV AS A BABYSITTER. Help your youngster find interesting things to
do and ways he/she can be helpful at home.

BE AWARE OF UNCLEAR, SHAKY PICTURES ON THE SCREEN. This can cause

eyestrain. Viewing programs in too dark a room or within 4 feet of the screen can also be
harmful and cause eyestrain.

TALK ABOUT PROGRAMS THAT ARE BEING WATCHED. Whether it is a sports

program or a weekly regular, talk about what is happening and who the characters are.
Discuss also the theme of the story and whether you agree with the content of the
program, language used, or plots of the story. Children will learn what to value from you.

ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN TO DO OTHER ACTIVITIES THROUGHOUT THE

DAY. Playing outdoors and with friends, helping with chores around the house, or reading
a good book can pull children away from the TV and make them less dependent upon it
for filling their time.

BE A ROLE MODEL TO YOUR CHILDREN. Read, walk, jog, have friends visit, or
become involved in projects or a hobby. Let your children see that you do not have to
have the TV on all the time for company or to be entertained.

Helping Your Family in a Crisis

Prepared by: Debbie Richardson, Child Development Assistant Specialist
A violent disaster, whether natural or man-made, or a loss or tragedy within a family can shake
our sense of safety and well-being. Children are especially vulnerable because they do not have
the life experience, coping skills or understanding that adults. The following strategies may help
children and families cope in times of crisis.
Talk about the event. Encourage family members to describe what they saw, heard, thought and
felt. Children need to be reassured that they will be taken care of. Although there may be a
tendency to want to protect children from emotional pain by not talking about it, this will only
make the recovery more difficult.
Be honest, open and clear. Give children the facts in words they can understand. Without facts, a
childs imagination will fill in the details, which may be more horrifying than the reality. Telling what
will happen next, or is being done, will provide a sense of security.
ListenChildren and adults need you to listen more than they need you to make them feel better.
Be prepared to hear or discuss the same details again and again. This is an attempt to regain
some control by understanding the event.
Stay together as a family and maintain normal routines as much as possible. If you need to be
away, reassure children you will return, and tell them when.
Include children in recovery activities. Chores and responsibility appropriate to their age and
abilities will help them feel less helpless. They are reassured that life continues, a sense of
normal may return, and that they are contributing.
Modify your expectations. Give yourself and family members time and understanding to grieve
and heal. Understand that performance at home, work or school may be temporarily affected. Set
small, realistic goals. Break large, overwhelming jobs into smaller manageable tasks. Allow others
to help.
Let your children know others love and care about them. Connect with family, friends and
neighbors. Encourage them to share their experience by mailing letters or drawings, or talking on
the phone.
Limit exposure to additional trauma, including news reports. Watching sensational reports again
and again can cause people to re-live the traumatic experience. Reports of other disasters and
bad news can also cause more distress.
Reassure children that it was not their fault. Children and adults often wonder if there was
something they did or didnt do to cause a crisis or tragedy. Likewise, people may question if
there was something more they could have done to prevent it. Guilt may be expressed in
behaviors or emotions that are self-destructive.
Resources for help. Sometimes additional help is needed to deal with trauma or life changes.
Child Guidance Programs in County Health Departments statewide provide family support,
parenting education and counseling services. Community Mental Health Centers and Youth
Services agencies offer counseling services and support. Talking to a minister, rabbi or other
spiritual leader may also provide relief.