Report Authors: Karen Alvarez, Janice Charlton, Leah Christensen, Fran Fagan,

Krista Forbes, Tammy Hartmann, Kirpaul Kaur, Heather McAllister, Anne Smith,
Kelli Vogstad

Introduction
In the 2011-12 school year, seven school-based administrators (Heather McAllister, Tammy
Hartmann, Kelli Vogstad, Kirpaul Kaur, Anne Smith, Karen Alvarez, Janice Charlton) met
with Colleen Drobot to further investigate attachment theory as outlined in Hold On To Your
Kids a book by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mat. On previous occasions, we had heard
presentations by Gordon Neufeld and/or Colleen Drobot. Their ideas and the underlying
principles resonated with us, as we reflected on the worrisome students we came in contact
with on a daily basis as school-based administrators.
Intuitively, we believe that relationships with children are fundamental to helping them develop
socially and emotionally. With the guidance of Colleen Drobot, we investigated attachment theory
and applied the theory to better understand worrisome children in our respective schools.
An early paragraph in Hold On To Your Kids states:
Attachment is a force of attraction pulling two bodies toward each other. Attachment
is the most powerful force in our universe, i.e., in the physical, electrical or chemical
forms. Attachment holds us to the earth and keeps our bodies in one piece. Particles
are held together. Attachment gives our universe shape. In the psychological realm,
attachment is at the heart of relationships and social functioning. In our human
domain, attachment is the pursuit and preservation of proximity, of closeness and
connection; physically, behaviourally, emotionally and psychologically. Like the
attachment of physical, electrical or chemical forms, attachment is invisible and yet
fundamental to our existence. (Neufeld and Mat, 2014, p. 16).

Context
This is the second year of the research project. Our group grew from seven to 10 members
(Fran Fagan, Leah Christensen, and Krista Forbes joined us). We met four times with Colleen
Drobot, January March, to analyze case studies prepared by members of our group.
Through the discussion of specific cases drawn from the schools where we work, we aimed to
begin to apply what we learned about attachment to our daily interactions with children and
adults.

Research Questions
Through our research questions, we wanted to apply what we learned to the
conversations we had about worrisome children in our schools.
The research questions were:
1. What themes and elements emerge from our case study analysis that might be
considered necessary and essential to the healthy development of all?
2. How do we best intervene to promote healthy social/emotional learning in individuals who
display
worrisome (poorly attached, poorly regulated) social/emotional development?
3. From this, what framework for action can we articulate to guide practice in all contexts.

Action
At each session, two cases were presented. Prior to the sessions, members of the group
would prepare a case study of a worrisome child at our school, who presented complex
behavioural and emotional needs. Each case study required that the group member review
pertinent student records, interview staff involved, and conduct observations. Most cases
were shared with all the members prior to the group session, so we could analyze the case
study using our understanding of attachment theory. Colleen Drobot guided our discussion to
help us analyse each case and extrapolate to other children and situations. We asked
questions to clarify the situation and to better understand each child using the attachment
theory lens.

How did it make a difference?

We believe our practice has changed. A major outcome is that we ask questions at meetings
regarding worrisome children that seek to raise awareness and understanding of attachment
theory and how it can be a framework for understanding student behaviour. In our
experience, we found that a behaviourist orientation to examining student misbehaviour was
not sufficient. In fact, such an approach may even be harmful to children. Through our
discussions, we determined that when we respond to aggressive behaviour with
consequences and incentives, we are eroding attachment.
Our own learning was significantly reframed, we determined that the pertinent and germane
questions that should guide our actions, when working with worrisome children, are questions
that uncover where the child is developmentally (i.e., emergent, adaptive, integrative). We
believe that by asking the right questions, we can shift the focus to of interventions to
attachment and relationships. We can help the adults in schools apply a quarter turn to their
approaches and revisit the pervasiveness of behaviourist interventions.

Key Findings
For educators, it is imperative to understand that this development perspective holds true in all
areas of growth and maturation, including social and emotional development. Colleen Drobot
reminds us that the science of relationship exists currently in fragmented bits and pieces all
over the empirical map. She goes on to point out that we have never known more about the
relational context required for teaching, and yet this knowledge is failing to inform our
everyday practice and policy. Dr. Neufeld believes that this failure of implementation may
stem from the current lack of theoretical coherence as well as the esoteric language typical to
these fields of study. Current work by Dr. Stuart Shanker has inspired our own superintendent
to note that this is something thats becoming fundamental to the way we do business. In a
recent Vancouver Sun article, Mike McKay added, were having to reinvent education.
Through our research, we have come to a strengthened understanding and resolve that
education needs a quarter turn, so that, foundational to all teaching is an orientation in and
focus on and attachment theory.
My purpose with this work has always been to elevate and strengthen a more humanistic
approach to working with the fragile "unattached" child. We come to our work with deep
knowledge and tacit understandings about human development. We know that to grow to full
potential children need social interaction and that the most important interactions must be built
on strong unconditional attachment between adult and child. Remember the wire monkey
studies! Our case studies illuminate for us, that especially in those times when a child's
behavior falls outside the norms of acceptability, as caring adults we must build and rebuild
our attachments with the child. This is complex and difficult human work. It helps us to
acknowledge that there exists a most-times silent but ever-present (and misguided) norm to
react to "misbehaviour" from a consequence-based and attachment-hurting paradigm. Our
work together helps each of us stay the course of first and foremost building caring
attachments with the fragile, the angry, the frustrated- the unattached child!
Heather McAllister, Principal,
Cougar Creek Elementary
According to Gordon Neufeld, understanding attachment is the single most important factor in
making sense of kids from the inside out. Neufeld identifies six ways of attaching. From the
simple to the complex they are: through the senses physical proximity; through sameness
liking the same things or being liked by the parent the child is attached with; belonging and
loyalty being faithful and obedient to ones chosen attachment figure; significance feeling
that they matter to someone; feeling warm feelings, loving feelings, affectionate feelings;
being known when a child experiences this, he will share his secrets. (Neufeld and Mat,
2004, p. 21 22).
I look at behaviours more as needs than as acting out. For example, my student who hits,
runs and/or yells when he arrives at school is actually exhibiting separation anxiety, not anger

at those who appear targeted.

Karen Alvarez, Principal,
Crescent Park
During our case study discussions, one questions kept coming up Is the schools response to
the childs misbehaviour creating more separation or more connection? According to Colleen
Drobot, the root of all behaviour problems is separation. Children act out/misbehave when they
are in a state of alarm, frustration or pursuit.
He sits alone curled up on the floor in the hallway. He has been sent out of his classroom,
turned away. I walk by. Hi, I say. Hi, he whispers. His eyes remain cast to the floor. He
refuses to acknowledge me. Can I help? I ask. Shut down, defended, he replies, I dont
care. I am wounded by his words. We need him to care. We need him to know we care.
The most important gift I can give a child is an invitation to exist in my presence, to be
wanted, to belong, to be significant, to be seen, to matter. Building attachments is the first
priority of all development. When I focus on attachments rather than consequences and
separation, I help a child become open to influences, direction, and expectations, in short,
to be taught.
Kelli Vogstad, Vice Principal,
Hazelgrove Elementary
While we studied Hold On To Your Kids, when we read parent we interpreted it as
teacher. The secret of parenting (teaching) is not what a parent (teacher) does but rather
who the parent (teacher) is to a child. When a child seeks contact and closeness with us, we
become empowered as a nurturer, a comforter, a guide, a model, a teacher, or a coach. For a
child well attached to us, we are her home base from which to venture forth into the world, her
retreat to fall back to, her fountainhead of inspiration.
All the parenting (teaching) skills in the world cannot compensate for a lack of attachment
relationship.
All the love in the world cannot get through without the psychological umbilical cord created by
a childs attachment (Neufeld and Mate, 2004, p. 6)
My understanding of Gordon Neufeld's work continues to expand. In my work with students
(and parents), one of the most important elements is to let the child know I care and
ultimately, to preserve the relationship. My work is not about assigning blame, or issuing
consequences/punishments. Often, this aspect of my work with children is misunderstood by
parents and staff. Human behaviour and development is complex and what we see, is often
the outward expression of a child's immaturity and/or having being 'wounded' socially,
emotionally, and/or psychologically. Many entrenched practices currently employed in
schools do not align with current theoretical understandings about developmental psychology.
Working with Colleen has brought clarity of purpose to my work and the courage to challenge
these practices.

Tammy Hartmann, Principal,

Ocean Cliff Elementary
Since joining this group, the lens I use while looking at children's behaviours has become
clearer. This has impacted my behaviour at school-based team meetings. I am better able to
ask questions with an attachment theory frame. Such a frame supports the child and helps the
classroom teachers understand the underlying causes of the behaviour. The frame helps us
move away from a behaviourist theory approach. I believe that "If I can change thoughts I can
change behaviour." I feel that school-based team meetings have moved from blame and
complaining to a more positive understanding of child development and the role of attachment.
When the team discusses a child who presents with counter- will and aggression, we talk
about how we meet this child's needs rather than who can fix the behaviour.
Anne Smith, Vice-Principal,
Bonaccord Elementary
When dealing with immature, sensitive, or stuck kids, adults need to be in the alpha position.
Children need to know that the adults will keep them safe and look after their needs. The
message to children needs to be I will take care of this, I will look after you. You are never
too big for me to take care of you. It is troubling when children are in the alpha position.
Many of the cases we discussed involved children who lash out at others; children who are
aggressive towards peers with words and actions. I now have a better understanding that
those behaviours are driven by deep-routed feelings; the behaviours are defensive reactions
created in the childs brain. The brain is reacting to the feelings of being vulnerable and the
message is to attack. When talking to children who have lashed out, I try to focus on their
inner conflict or frustration. To help children, Colleen Drobot tells us to soften a childs heart
in order to restore their tears of futility, which means we help them revisit the upsetting
experience or touch the bruise. Caring adults have to constantly convey to
these children that our relationship with them can take the weight of their aggressive words
and actions. Over time, as I work with these children, I highlight their good intentions (e.g.,
good for you, you wanted
to hit but you didnt).
Janice Charlton, Principal,
Berkshire Park Elementary
Through our study, we kept coming back to the concept that all children need adult
connections otherwise they fall through the attachment cracks. Schools are filled with
caring adults. We need to systematically make sure that every child is covered by a working
attachment with an adult at all times. Teachers, administrators, educational assistants, child
care workers, and parents/guardians need to function as an attachment relay team.
I have learned that our most worrisome children rarely benefit from time outs, suspensions,
nasty looks, or natural consequences. In order to change the narrative for children we need
to "collect before we direct" to "win their hearts to open their minds to our influence". Not an

easy task... but necessary if

we are to change behaviour.
Kirpaul Kaur, Vice-Principal,
Rosemary Heights Elementary
When we work with fragile children, in challenging situations, (and that is our work) we hope
we come at this work with sensitivity and compassion. We intuitively know that our escalated
emotions, or frustrations can trigger shut downs or defiance. Our work in attachment theory
has created for me foundational beliefs that have helped me to craft questions that guide
others to the cause taking away the focus on the behavior. It is not our path but our
understanding of the childs journey that brings them
to that place of rest.
Fran Fagan, Principal, White Rock
Elementary
In the psychological realm, attachment is at the heart of relationships and of social
functioning. In the human domain, attachment is the pursuit and preservation of proximity,
of closeness and connection: physically, behaviourally, emotionally, and psychologically. As
in the material world, it is invisible and
yet fundamental to our existence. A family cannot be a family without it. When we ignore its
inexorable laws we are in trouble (Neufeld and Mate, 2004, p. 17).
As an educator the sense of connectedness and relationships I form with students has
always been purposeful, but instinctual. After strengthening my understanding of
attachment, I now have a greater awareness of language to use around relationship ties
between staff, students, and families. As my thinking shifts, I am reframing the types of
questions I ask during conversations with school staff and during school-based team
meetings; focusing on understanding a student's connections and needs before behaviours.
My lens has been quarter turned.
Krista Forbes, Vice Principal, Woodward Hill
Elementary
We have had the privilege of working with Colleen at our school throughout the year. It has
been powerful to use common language and build understanding amongst our small group,
reminding us of
the importance to collect before we direct. During some of the most trying circumstances with
children,
weve been there for one another to help unpack what might be going on from a developmental
perspective. This has helped reduce any urgent need to fix the problem, knowing instead that
nurturing secure attachments, putting on our alpha role, and striving to understand what lies
beneath the behaviour will, ultimately, be instrumental in supporting children to grow into
independent, secure young
adults.
Leah Christensen, Vice-principal, Holly
Elementary

Our attitudes and subsequent school discipline policies should be informed by current
research and knowledge, especially the importance of attachment relationships with
children. Our decisions
regarding childrens misbehaviours should reflect those understandings. We are concerned
that there is
still a strong behaviourist response to childrens misbehaviours. We believe such
responses interfere with the attachment relationships and therefore get in the way of our
childrens healthy social and emotional development.

Recommendations for Others/District

As school-based administrators we are charged with the responsibility of modeling and
explicitly leading teachers and parents in their work to advance the development of children.
Often, we are also called on to intervene with children who are identified as struggling with
their social/emotional development.
This expected intervention is understood most often to be disciplinary in nature. And yet,
we lack a well-articulated and well-researched intervention/discipline practice, one that is
grounded in and referenced to contemporary theories of constructivist learning,
developmental relational psychology, neuroscience and theories of self-regulation.
Next research steps:
investigating the writings of other attachment theorists;
examining the points of convergence and difference between attachment
theory and self- regulation theory; and
continue to examine case studies of worrisome children using the
attachment theory framework.
According to Gordon Neufeld, While we have never known more about how the brain works
and the conditions required for healthy development, the art of discipline seems no more
progressive than the methods of yesteryear. See Appendix A for Neufelds Guidelines for
Discipline.
As a District, we may want to further investigate how we can imbed attachment theory into
teaching and learning by creating a District position paper that includes an attachment theory
philosophical framework and guiding principles. Furthermore, current programs, practices,
discipline approaches, and social responsibility performance standards should be re-examined
given this framework. After the examination, existing programs and initiatives that imbed
attachment theory and strengthen relationships (e.g., Roots of Empathy, iR3, PALS) would be
enhanced.

Appendix A
Gordon Neufelds Twelve Guidelines
for Discipline
1. Whenever possible, use structure and ritual to impose order on behaviour.
2. Accept responsibility for doing what is in the best interests of the child and for
keeping them out of trouble.
3. Always treat the child as if they want to be good for you.
4. Bridge the problem behaviour and the resulting discipline.
5. When facing separation preserve the connection by drawing attention to what stays
the same or the next point of contact. For example, when a child needs to leave the
class because he is too disruptive, say to him When you come back we are going to
do something special
6. Always attempt to collect before you direct.
7. Defuse counter will by hiding your agendas and by drawing attention to a meaningless
choice.
8. Script the behaviour for the immature.
9. Dont overwork the incident.
10. Infuse fun into the activity you wish to happen.
11. Walk confrontations with futility all the way to sadness.
12. Solicit the good intentions to inculcate values, prime a sense of responsibility, and sow
the seeds of self- control.
13. When capable of mixed feelings, draw out the tempering element in the context
of the troubling impulses.

Appendix B
The following are statements from Colleen Drobot. The ideas resonated with us and we
thought the reader may be interested in exploring these ideas and the underlying
theoretical framework and beliefs. You are welcome to contact any member of our Action
Research group.
Is there a sorry in you to give?
Touch the bruise in and out
If I can change thoughts, I can change behaviour
Get his eyes, get his smile unless we have a childs eyes and smile,
he wont do our biding Softening the heart to find his tears
Solicit the good intentions
Is this creating more separation or more connection?
We need to walk the maze and own our own inner wisdom and intuition
Consequences and incentives will only erode attachment
Gathering in delight in his presence I value you, I missed you I like
you, not I like what you do
Cant get to his tears
An invitation to them to exist in your presence Alarm will always trump
frustration
Brain has to be bathed in feeling safe and secure before it can move
into a stage of self-control
Have to talk to child about their inner conflict good for you, you wanted
to hit but you didnt bring out the good intentions
Cant force adapting, emerging and integrating we have to start with
attachment There are three primary emotions all mammals suffer:
Frustration
Alarm
Need for contact and closeness We need to be their shield
and their sword
All it takes is a quarter turn
Agent of futility and angel of comfort
Bridge separation we have to put the focus on the next connection
Dont make behaviour the bottom line
What you look for is what you see
Power of samesies promoting belonging by pointing out similarities
We have to have the courage to see the treasure beyond the dragon
They need to have the tears to soften so they can find their resilience

References
Neufeld, G. and Gabor Mat, (2004). Hold on to Your Kids. Toronto:
Vintage Press. Neufeld, G. (2010). Making Sense of Aggression [DVD].
Canada: Neufeld Institute. Neufeld, G. (2010). Making Sense of
Counterwill [DVD]. Canada: Neufeld Institute.
Neufeld, G. (2010). Making Sense of Anxiety in Children and Youth [DVD]. Canada: Neufeld
Institute.
Neufeld, G. (2010). Relationship Matters [DVD]. Canada: Neufeld
Institute.