Community Education Service

Child and Adolescent Addiction and Mental Health

Parenting a Child with Disruptive

Behaviours

Art or Science?
o Managing children with explosive behaviour is both
an art and science
o The art is knowing that it is more about who you
are in relationship to these children then what you
do
o The Science is the actual strategies you will use in
addressing the behaviour
o ButStrategies alone are never enough

Behaviour Never Occurs in a Vacuum

1.

Childs temperament and other characteristics

How would you describe the childs
temperament?
What motivates him/her?

2.

The history of interactions between parent-child

What gets a reaction, what does not?
What does the child get for good
vs. bad behaviour?

Behaviour Never Occurs in a Vacuum...

3.

Parent/Caregiver personality
How would you describe yours or
the parents temperament? Yours
or the parents threshold for stress,
excitement, intimacy

4.

All the other bits of familys environment

Events, situations and stressors that
may have affected the child

Children with Behavioral Issues

Face an increasing gap between expectations

and abilities
Provoke negative responses from caregivers,
teachers, and peers
May not have developed the brain pathways
required for planning, tying actions to
consequences, impulse control, perspective
taking, etc.

Children with Behavioral Issues...

Traditional strategies such as time outs, ignoring,
withdrawal of privileges, etc. can be ineffective and
sometimes even make things worse.

Developmental vs. Behavioural Mistakes

Developmental Errors

Children are trying to make

the correct response

Behavioural Errors

Errors are accidental

Learning requires
exploration

They need additional or

modified teaching

Adapted from Louise Porter, Ph.D.

Children are trying to be

disruptive - that is, to
make an incorrect
response
Errors are deliberate
Children should not
explore limits; they should
obey them
Children with behavioural
difficulties need discipline

Children with Behavioural Issues: Assumptions

These children need patience more than discipline

Most pestering behaviour is really a bid for
connection or attention
These children are often inept at giving accurate cues

Winning Hearts and Minds

Do not insist on parenting or disciplining until the

child has been properly collected (connecting
before correcting)
The more impossible to be around children are, the
more they are indicating their need to be collected
and reclaimed

But we must first come to terms with the futility

of addressing behaviour and focus on the task of
restoring relationship

Collecting Before Correcting

The collecting dance is most obvious in infantparent pairs:

Engaging the face in a friendly way

Providing something for the child to hold on to
Inviting dependence
Acting as the childs compass point

Engaging the Face

More difficult with children who have behaviour

problems, are resistant to relationship, or entering
their teen years
Especially important after separation: physical
separation or after distancing due to
misunderstanding or anger
This is different from insisting that a child look at
you when youre discipliningfor children with
behavioural issues forcing them to look at you may
not be effective or helpful.

Sorry??

It is often more important to help children

demonstrate an act of repair after an incident of
bad behaviour i.e. modelling gentle touch or
sharing with their peer rather than insisting on
the words Im sorry.

Something To Hold On To

Signs of spontaneous affection are potent

Emotional warmth, enjoyment and delight activate

the attachment system
A twinkle in your eye, warmth in your voice and
physical affection invite connection
For defended children you may need to focus on
less vulnerable offerings: conveying a sense of
sameness, being on their side, engaging them in
play

Touch

Touch deprivation has been shown to impair

development
In premature baby studies, massaged babies
went home six days earlier than babies in the
control group
Touch decreases stress hormones and increases
serotonin, the body's own antidepressant.
Tiffany Fields, Ph.D.

Inviting Dependence

You can trust us, count on us, lean on us, be

cared for by us

We sometimes fear that inviting dependence is

inviting regression
But, caregivers who invite dependence are more
likely to be successful in fostering independence
in the end
Allow them to lean without any sense of shame
for their neediness

Acting as the Compass Point

Children are inclined to keep close to their

compass point
The more we orient them, the more inclined they
are to keep close to us
This is what were doing today
This is where Ill be
This is who will be taking care of you
This is who you ask if you need help
I can see youre going too far with this
Let me show you how this works

Reframing Resistance

A child with behavioural issues may know what is

expected, but is unable to deliver

This may be a problem of maturity, emotional

regulation, anxiety, insecurity, delayed
development

Discipline that Doesnt Divide

During the incident take charge and try to change the

situation if necessary

This isnt good, I can tell your frustrated, but there

are better ways to express your frustration, well talk
about this laterfor now, lets take a break

Preserve the relational connection

I can help, well get through this and be OK

Once feelings have calmed and defences have diminished,

re-collect the child, re-connect and get down to work

Access the Intervention Point

The key to intervening with aggressive behaviour is to

perceive the child as frustrated
If we remember that aggression is an emotional problem,
not a behavioural one everything else will follow.

Focus on frustration instead of behaviour

Render the form of attack less violating
Solicit good intentions, I can see what you were trying
to get done, You really wanted to do it your way, I
can see that
Help the futility sink in, But thats a decision/job for a
grownup [or for Mom or Dad].
Reduce exposure to provoking situations

Examples Enforceable Statements

Breakfast is served until

7:30. Get all you need to
hold you till lunch.
My car is leaving at 8 a.m.
Ill take you guys to the
places you want to go in
the car when I dont have
to worry about fighting in
the back seat

Ill be happy to listen to

you as soon as your father
and I are finished talking.

I give allowance to those

who finish their chores.
Ill provide TV and
Nintendo when the
chores are done.
Ill be happy to buy you
the clothes I feel are
appropriate.

Building Blocks
School Readiness
Social Skills

Empathy
Self-Regulation
Language Development
Attachment Relationship with Primary Caregiver

Childrens Arch Model

Principle 1: I AM HERE. YOU ARE WORTH IT

There are two things that secure children know:

that their caregiver is available should they need
them, and that they are worth it
Be consistent about the reliability of routine and
relationship, this gives children a sense of security
through structure and a sense of belonging

Childrens Arch Model

Principle 1: I AM HERE. YOU ARE WORTH IT

To communicate that your are available and that

the child is worth it:
Identify activities that the child finds particularly
enjoyable (e.g., reading books, riding bikes, playing
cards), and
Set aside at least one period of time a day to engage
in them, no matter how difficult the day may have
been. This can be as little as 15 minutes each day.

Principle 2: BEHAVIOR AS NEED

Always view their problem behaviour as the

expression of a genuine need
Some children have learned that they are
generally not heard or that their needs are not
noticed until they escalate their adult-grabbing
behaviour high enough that they cannot be
ignored

Principle 3: CUES AND MISCUES

Children who are generally seen, heard, and

understood learn to cue their needs directly and
anticipate that they will be met
When a caregiver has difficulty meeting their
childs needs or is inconsistent, the child will
adjust her behaviour to stay in relationship, and
may begin to miscue needs.

Pain Miscue

For example, if a caregiver believes that big boys

dont cry, their child may learn that when they
fall, they should not cry out, or seek comfort

To correct this, the caregiver would need to go to

him, pick him up and say, Oh, boy, that really
looked like it hurt. Lets go wash it off and find a
band-aid. Let me hold you, and so on
With this consistent response the child will stop
miscuing and learn to cue directly.

Principle 4: BEING WITH

Be willing to be with the child in intense

emotion rather than trying to make it stop

Be an emotional coach

This is tough, but it wont last forever

Im here

Principle 5: REPAIR

Despite your best efforts, there will be times when

you fail miserably, moments during which you
disrupt your connection and challenged your
childs trust
Consider disruptions in your relationship as an
opportunity to repair, to build intimacy

Principle 6: STATE OF MIND

These children may shake your sense of self to

the very core
This is not of course an easy or comfortable
process

The childs needs may be triggering you

Expect this and talk about it with other trusted
adults

Challenges

What gets in the way of being the caregiver you

want to be to this child?

Emotional tender spots

Temperament match/mismatch

Strategies

Floor time

Emotional Regulation

Transitioning Children

Importance of Praise

Support Peer Interaction and Play

Engaging Parents in the Plan

Case example

Calling in extra help (CMHC)

Floor Time

Establish Floor Time, where the child gets to be the

director of the play
This will give you opportunities to label the childs
feelings, build a positive connection with the child,
find out what is on the childs mind and in their
heart and give your child positive attention.

Emotional Regulation

Adapt to the childs temperament. Avoid over

stimulating and provide him with calming activities
One-on-one floor time allows the child
opportunities to express their feelings both positive
and negative
Teach the child to label their feelings and the
feelings of others (happy, sad, mad, scared). All
feelings are okay but we need to be safe with our
feelings.

Emotional Regulation

Teach and model conflict resolution or problem

solving skills

Handle tantrums with empathy

Lets take a rest

Transitioning Children

Transitioning from one activity to another can be

difficult for young children especially children with
behavioral difficulties
Smoother transitions occur by posting the
classroom schedule (with pictures for young
children), giving a five minute warning, flicking
lights, ringing a bell, standard clapping rhythm,
timer or an hour glass can be helpful.

Transitioning Children

Young children do not have a concept of time so

something concrete and visual is important
You can also use circle time to help teach children
about the classroom schedule, first we go to music
then we have lunch.

Importance of Praise

Research indicates that adults give 3 to 15 times as

much attention to childrens misbehavior than to
positive behaviors
Increase use of praise, attention and encouragement
of positive behaviors
Clear and Specific, labeled praise describes the
particular behavior you would like to see. I like that
you remembered to keep your hands to yourself

Show Enthusiasm, the impact of a praised statement

increases using verbal and non-verbal means of
conveying enthusiasm.

Support Peer Interaction and Play

Model appropriate words and actions to enter the

play, communicate with his peers
Caregivers facilitate social interactions, providing
suggestions, cues or ways to solve problems to
guide interactions

Providing guidance on feelings and social cues

Play partnering: setting up activities that promote
peer relationships and cooperative play

Engaging Parents in the Plan

What we know is that family involvement has

positive effects on childrens academic, social
competence and school quality
Building a closer relationship with parents can be
an effective way to build a closer relationship with
the child. Ways to build and support collaboration
with parents might include phone calls, notes
home about childs success, invitation to parent to
attend a brown bag lunch or some special event
(if child is student of the day or week).

Parenting from the Inside Out

How one makes sense of their childhood

experiences will have a significant impact on how
they parent their own children. Two good
resources are:

Parenting From the Inside Out

By Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell

Hold On To Your Kids

By Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

Acknowledgement
We would like to acknowledge the contributions of the
many clinicians who participated in our Focus Groups and
thus contributed to refreshing the content of this
presentation. As well, we would like to thank the
following clinicians who have gone the extra mile and
made significant editorial and/or content contributions to
this Presentation:
Marlene ONeill-Laberge, MSW, RSW,
Child and Family Specialist, CAMHP

Nicole Nagy, MSc., R. Psych.,

Collaborative Mental Health Care (CMHC)

Bibliography*
o Parenting From the Inside Out
Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzell

o Hold on to your kids

Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

*These resources are available from your local library and/or from
the Library at The Family and Community Resource Centre [contact
number: 403-955-7745]

Community Education Service

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