Science and Heart: Growing Brains: A Big Person's Role

11/22/2014
Science and Heart

Through the Childs Eyes
Growing Brains: a big

persons role
Through the Childs Eyes:
A series presented for nurturing big people everywhere
Rebecca Mitchell, MA, RCC
11/22/2014
Plan
What does CONNECTEDNESS

have to do with development?
The role of CONNECTION in growing brains

What is attachment and what is the purpose
Development of the prefrontal cortex
Attentional hierarchy
The role of ADAPTATION in growing resilient brains
Tears and the adaptive process
The role of being IN CHARGE in growing brains

Emotional rest and the developing brain
Supporting through the tough stuff while staying connected
Discipline that doesnt break the connection
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
Connectedness & Development
Foundational to all growth is connection
Attachment is
In the research world, it is called Attachment
Biological
Attachment is the relationship between a key big person
and a child
Primary attachments are the big people of central
Evolutionary
Neurological
Emotional
importance to a childs life typically parents
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.

Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
Tronicks Still Face
Attachment is the mechanism that keeps kids close to their big
people physically & emotionally

Rubber band
Invisible string
Children are born wired for connection

Adults are meant to take care of that connection
We are stirred up by the sense of a child who needs us
A parents own temperament will come into play in terms of the
intensity of this drive thus, some parents will naturally have more
inner conflict about the goodbyes than other parents
Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld
Maturation
Immature attentional system can lock onto only one
thing at a time
The Developing Brain

The key role of maturity in growing up
everything else ceases to exist!
This is a natural part of development

The either/or system
Maturation of this system is NOT inevitablea process that
is very susceptible to external interference

However the potential for maturation is in every single
individual
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Two different
ideas
Maturation
When we shift from either/or to this and that we see
incredible growth!
We have background, context
We have a back of the mind where we hold onto other
things as we think through an issue

Applies to sensory inputs, thoughts, feelings, values
existing at the
same time = selfcontrol
Reflective
When you can see multiple points of view, ideas, etc. then
we know the attentional system is developing

Images
fromhttp://www.tamingthegoblin.com/2
013/04/the-sunday-parenting-partyloosening.html
blending
together =
impulsive
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Maturation
2.
Attention is hierarchical
Maturation is very impacted by the strength of the
incoming signals
If you have a child who is intense, the signals are too strong
and they are way harder to mix

Mixing bowl of emotions is the prefrontal cortex
Does not begin until at least age 5-7 years
And at that, begins and continues only if the conditions are
conducive
Curiosity and
individuation/mixing
L
u
x
u
r
y
Adaptation
Physical hunger
Alarm
Attachment
I
n
t
e
n
s
i
t
y
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Adaptation
And the role of tears in maturation and resiliency
in the brain
Adaptation is Foundational
We need to be safely held at the point of realizing the
things that cannot be changed

When we come to the point of knowing that there is
nothing left to do but cry, the adaptive process has been

primed
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Prime Adaptation
Fears to Tears
Finding our way to our tears when we are freaked out is
essential
Give the child a message of hope in advance or open the
door and make room for the upset, invite it rather than be
afraid of it
It is how we grow resilient brains
e.g., We are going to swimming now. I know sometimes
Tears are super OKAY IF:
that is really hard for you you want to stay at home, you
dont like swimming, and the water can feel cold! I just
want you to know that even if it is hard for you and you
need to have some tears about that, it is okay and we will
get through itwe are going to be okay.
the rules of connection have been followed
The tears are supported by a nurturing, caring,
understanding adult who has their hulk on

Psych, Copyright
11/22/2014
A script
1. You can be upset.
Beware of the upside down

dynamic!!
The role of being IN CHARGE in growing brains
2. I can handle it.

3. We are going to be fine.
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The Experience of the Child in

Charge
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Hulk it up
You just gotta be
B.I.G.!
Hulking it up
A child must always feel like their big people just know.
Finding your way to be BIG and all knowing
Big people must believe that they are the answer to their
child.
Even if a big person does not know the way through for
the child, there needs to be this inherent belief within the

parent that they can and will find the way through.

Psych, Copyright
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Whos in charge?
Getting your HULK on

For parents to find their way back to their hulk:
The parent is thrown into a position of pursuit rather than
provision of proximity (closeness to the child), turning

themselves into a psychological pretzel to make the child happy
or avoid upset
The child is then forced into the role of provider and the whole
situation is turned on its head!
Guilt needs to be welcomed as a comforting motivator to make
things better
Experts need to facilitate and nurture in parents the natural
intuition of attachment
Parents need to believe that they are their childs answer
Parents cannot appear bewildered, afraid of, or angered by their
A child who cannot depend on their parent to be in the lead will
by default, put themselves in the lead
A child who is in the lead is not a child at emotional rest

Psych, Copyright
childs behavior
Parents take responsibility for cues, step in and take care of things
Parents cannot ask questions of the child about why they are sad,
etc. but instead must nod knowingly and provide answers

Psych, Copyright
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The open and

closed door
The trap of reasoning and
expecting rational
responses
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A Summary Script
1. You can be upset.
2. I can handle it.
3. We are going to be fine.
4. I know what you need and I can take care of it
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No matter what
The Roots of Behavior

Developmentally
Appropriate
Behavior
acting out
Traditional Response
to Behavior
(separation-based)
Experience of fearbased activation
Experiences
of Separation

Psych, Copyright
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Our perceptions
What are we actually responding to when we have a child
who is misbehaving
The behavior? or
Something else?
How does our answer to this question impact how we
respond to the child in any given moment?
Our perceptions
The Myth of the Observable
Our answer is our foundation for how we are driven in our
relationships with children

If we respond to the behavior, we will likely rely on
traditional practices of time outs, consequences, removal of

privileges
If, however, we respond to the something else we will find
ourselves following a very different path
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11/22/2014
Neufeld
Gordon Neufeld Hold on to your Kids
Nurturing Discipline
1.
Use Connection, Not Separation, to Bring a Child into Line
The very most succinct description of how to respond to
challenging behaviours through the simplicity of

connection
e.g. Time outs, naughty mats, go to your room
A childs most significant fear is that they will be abandoned

by their key care providers
Connection before direction
If the connection is not there, the direction cannot happen

you must build in the connection first and get over the urge to
direct without power
7 key points in Discipline that does not divide chapter. His
words, writing, and ideas are shared here and reflected

more thoroughly in his book.
www.gordonneufeld.com
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11/22/2014
2.
2.
Avoid comments like that makes me sad, those words hurt my feelings
Ignore the urge to fall prey to the immediacy principleare

we really going to let him/her get away with this?
Instead, try you are really frustrated; you wanted me to say yes and I
said no
Remember, every behavior serves a purposeI have a need!
Can say This is not good...this needs to stop we will talk about this
later
Do not teach in the moment
Warm calm tone more important that any words
Proceed by stopping the behavior if needed and preserve the

relationship at all costs
Revisit the behavior later when the intensity has calmed remember
collect and then direct
When Problems Occur, Work the Relationship, Not the

Incident
CONTWhen Problems Occur, Work the Relationship, Not the Incident
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3.
When things arent working for the child, draw out the
tears instead of trying to teach the lesson
Be the Agent of Futility and the Angel of comfort

Present the reality firmly (but NOT harshly), without a lot
of explanation or justification lest you withdraw the very

futility you are working to instill save this for after the
futility has sunk in
4.
Solicit the good intentions instead of demanding good behavior
Focus on the childs intentions, rather than their actual behaviors
Good intentions are like goldthey represent value and a sense of

responsibility
Collect the child and cultivate connection so they are open to your
influence
Do you think you could? Can I count on you? Are you willing to
give it a try?
Highlight the childs will rather than your own
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5.
6.
Behavior is typically driven by instincts and emotion, not
Especially helpful if child does not have the capacity for mixed
feelings yet
Scripting allows the child to function until the natural maturation

process unfolds
Provide cues for what to do and how like teaching a skill e.g.
skating
Collect before scripting
Avoid: No, dont stop, not, quit
Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop

impulsive behavior
When dealing with an impulsive child, script the desired behavior

rather than demanding maturity
conscious decisions
Self-control is driven by mixed feelings, not will power
This and that

We are having such a good time right now. I remember
earlier you were so mad at me you really let me have it. Isnt
it funny the way we can get so mad at the ones we love.
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7.
When unable to change the child, try changing the childs world
This change alters the experiences that give rise to the behavior
Structure and routine
Three necessary precursors

We must recognize the futility of our own previous courses of action
Collecting
2.
Get in space/face in friendly way
the eyes, the smile, and

the nod - Dr. Neufeld
We must have some insight about possible triggers for the child
We must have the power to exert some influence over these triggers
NOT to the exclusion of the other 6 keys
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Resources
www.zoneinworkshops.com
www.gordonneufeld.com - Hold Onto Your Kids (newest
Edition)
www.sickkids.ca/imp
www.odinbooks.ca
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11/22/2014
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych

& Associates
778-294-8732
www.lapointepsychology.com
South Surrey, BC
Encouraging hope through nurturing
support, counselling, assessment,
consultation, and training.
Visit our blog after

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11/22/2014

Science and Heart

Growing Brains: a big

Rebecca Mitchell, MA, RCC

What does CONNECTEDNESS

The role of CONNECTION in growing brains

The role of being IN CHARGE in growing brains

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

Connectedness & Development

Connectedness & Development

Foundational to all growth is connection

In the research world, it is called Attachment

Attachment is the relationship between a key big person

importance to a childs life typically parents

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.

Connectedness & Development

Tronicks Still Face

Attachment is the mechanism that keeps kids close to their big

people physically & emotionally

Children are born wired for connection

Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld

The Developing Brain

everything else ceases to exist!

This is a natural part of development

Maturation of this system is NOT inevitablea process that

is very susceptible to external interference

Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld

things as we think through an issue

we know the attentional system is developing

Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld

Copyright Dr. Gordon Neufeld

Maturation is very impacted by the strength of the

and they are way harder to mix

things that cannot be changed

nothing left to do but cry, the adaptive process has been

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

Give the child a message of hope in advance or open the

It is how we grow resilient brains

e.g., We are going to swimming now. I know sometimes

Tears are super OKAY IF:

the rules of connection have been followed

The tears are supported by a nurturing, caring,

understanding adult who has their hulk on

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.

Beware of the upside down

2. I can handle it.

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

The Experience of the Child in

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

Finding your way to be BIG and all knowing

the child, there needs to be this inherent belief within the

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R. Psych, Copyright

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, R.

Getting your HULK on

The parent is thrown into a position of pursuit rather than

provision of proximity (closeness to the child), turning

situation is turned on its head!

Guilt needs to be welcomed as a comforting motivator to make

Parents cannot appear bewildered, afraid of, or angered by their