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MONOLOGUES FOR L-P

Please choose, analyze, and memorize one of the following gender-neutral monologues to
present for your audition.

Galaxy Video by Marc Morales


I met you for a short time five days ago when I came into work. It was my first day. I was in the
Folk Song Musical section fixing tapes when I noticed four tapes that were in the wrong place.
Fort Apache, the Bronx, Empire Records, War Games, and The Way We Were. Are any of
those films folk song musicals? I dont think so. Then this woman comes over to me and asks if
we had that movie that had that guy in it who was in that movie with the girl who was in that
movie with that guy. At that moment I decided that I hated people. So I turned myself inward to
search for an answer for what to do. I can do stuff like that: I take yoga.

Big Girl by Andrew Biss


Ive always been big. I was born big. I was a big baby. Still am in some respects. In fact, one of
the earliest memories I have is of my Aunt Nester staring down at me, her thin lips contorted
into a forced expression of adoration, saying to my mother My word, youve got a big kid there,
havent you Georgie. Shes dead now. Not my Mother my Aunt Nester. A severe stroke while
pruning her beloved roses in her garden. She fell into them face first, the thorns of her pride and
joy gashing open her face in her moment of need. They did a good job though at the mortuary,
that is. She looked quite regal, all dished up and served before us. I stared hard at her face, but
couldnt see even a trace of a scar.

The Belles of the Mill by Rachel Rubin Ladtuke


Fellow workers! Thank you for coming today! I am most proud to be helping to lead this strike. I
have not worked in the mills myself, but I know this life you lead all too well. I spent part of my
childhood in Manchester, just north of here. There have been other strikes here in Lawerence, I
know this. But I have seen many strikes in my young life. Marched a few times, too, you can be
sure. And I can tell you that if you keep your hands in your pockets, you are sure to prevail. The
police, the militia, and the National Guard will all fail. They cannot weave cloth with bayonets!
They cannot spin wool with clubs! They cannot run looms with rifles! We will emerge victorious!
We will sing! We will march! We will unite!

The Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris


The woman at Macys asked, Would you be interested in full-time elf, or evening and weekend
elf? I said full time elf. I am a 33 year old man applying for a job as an elf. I often see people on
the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I usually avoid leaflets but it breaks my

heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco, so if theres a costume involved, I tend to not only
accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying Thank you so much and thinking you poor
son of a bitch. This afternoon I accepted a leaflet from a man dressed as a camcorder. Hotdogs,
tacos, video cameras, these things make me sad because theres no place for them, no
community. I figure that at least as an elf I will have a place. Ill be in Santas village with all the
other elves. Well live in a fluffy wonderland surrounded by candy canes. It wont be quite as sad
as being some big French fry out on the street corner.

Histrionica with Banjo by Brian Torrey Scott


Some things were really bothering me the other night while I was eating. Have you ever noticed
how every persons actions change depending on who they are with and where they are?
Seriously, I have never thought about that. But I was eating. Alone. I guess I never eat alone. I
got to thinking. The waitress brings me water and a menu. Thats the first part. She seemed to
have a whole routine planned out for me. For every customer. She slides into my space, yet she
is completely impersonal. She is a robot. The specials of the day are... She left and I really just
tried to forget about it. I was hungry. I look out the window and I see all these people walking by,
and theyre all not thinking about each other or the waitress or me. That actually comforted me.

MONOLOGUESFORWINTERPLAYANDFSPLAY
IdentityCrisisbyChristopherDurang
JANE:
WhenIwaseightyearsold,someonebroughtmetoatheatrewithlotsofotherchildren.Wehadcome
toseeaproductionofPeterPan.YourememberhowinthesecondactTinkerbelldrinkssomepoison
thatPetersabouttodrink,inordertosavehim?AndthenPeterturnstotheaudienceandsaysthat
Tinkerbellsgoingtodiebecausenotenoughpeoplebelieveinfairies,butthatifeveryoneinthe
audienceclapsrealhardtoshowthattheydobelieveinfairies,thenmaybeTInkerbellwontdie.We
clappedveryhardandverylong.MypalmshurtandevenstartedtobleedIclappedsohard.Then
suddenlytheactressplayingPeterPanturnedtotheaudienceandsaid,Thatwasntenough.You
didntclaphardenough.Tinkerbellsdead.Uhwell,andandtheneveryonestartedtocry.The
ushershadtocomeandhelpthechildrenuptheaislesandoutintothestreet.Idontthinkanyofus
werethesameafterthatexperience.
THEDAYSANDNIGHTSOFBEEBEEFEINMAKERbyWilliamSnyder
Beebee
Yourejustbreezingalongwiththebreeze,arentyou,NettieJo?Lettintherestoftheworldgoby.
Andwhatbeatsmeisyouresatisfied.Idontknow.Theressomethingwrongaboutbeginsosatisfied
witheverythingthewayitisandgoinalongwiththecrowd.Youhavetogainspecialrecognitionin

someway.Insomeway,NettieJo.Ifyoudontyouendupnothinganonentity.Anotherfaceinthe
crowd.Andthatslikebeindead.Itsdeathinlife,thatswhat.Itswalkingthroughtheworldwithout
touchingathing,Itsblendinin,insteadofstickinout.

CABARETbyJoeMasteroff
Frl.Schneider:
Oh,yes!Ican.Icangiveupthatway!Thatiseasyforyoutosay!Easyforyou.Fight!And,ifyoufail,
whatdoesitmatter?Youpackupyourbelongings.YoumovetoParis.AndifyoudonotlikeParis,
where?Itiseasyforyou.ButifyouweremeAllmylifeIhavemanagedformyselfanditistooolda
habittochange.Ihavebattledalone,andIhavesurvived.TherewasawarandIsurvived.Therewas
arevolutionandIsurvived.TherewasaninflationbillionsofmarksforoneloafofbreadbutI
survived.AndiftheNaziscomeIwillsurvive.AndifthecommunistscomeIwillstillbehererenting
theserooms!Forintheend,whatotherchoicehaveI?Thisismyworld!(softly)Iregretverymuch
returningthefruitbowl.Itistrulymagnificent.Iregreteverything.

EASTERNSTANDARDbyRichardGreenberg
May:
Yasee,inthestreetyacantalkantalkforweeksannevergetareply.So,yashoutanthenobody
answeringetstobeloudasamarchingband.Thatswhatmakesyouloco.Causeprettysoon,the
wordsarethrowinthemselvesaroundinyourheadanyastartputtinpretendpeopleintheretocatch
them.Anbeforeyouknowit,youretalkingtothesepeople,anthisiswhatisknownasthebirthofa
badreputationintheneighborhood.
Anwhateveryaknowaboutyourselfjuststartsdriftingaway.Yourenotprettyanymoreoragood
dancer.Younevercookortelljokesanhavepeoplelaughatem.Ioncecookedforalivin,yaknow,
mybestjob.Inahousewithnicepeople.BeforemytroublesstartedanIkindalostmyself.Anitgot
tobeliketherewasnothinhinginmetoearthlikeIwasoffinorbitsomewhere;soscared
But,nownowitfeelslikeImlivininsidethepersonIusetabeagainCauseyoupeople,yagivemea
placetostay,yafillmyprescriptionforme,yaletmecooknowthisisadifferentstory.

WORKINGbyStudsTerkel
Waitress:
ItwouldbeveryboringifIhadtosay,Wouldyoulikeacocktail?overandover.SoIcomedifferent
formyownenjoyment.Isay,WhatsexcitingatthebarthatIcanoffer?orsomething.Maybewith
cocktails,Igivethemalittlephilosophy.Theyhavecoffee;Igiveempoliticalscience.Ihaveanopinion
oneverysinglesubjectthereis.Mybossesdontlikeit,soIspeaksottovoice.ButifIgetheated,I
dontgiveadamn.IspeaklikeanItalianspeaks.Ihavetobeawaitress.Howelsedoestheworldcome
tome?Everyonewantstoeat,everyonehashunger.AndIservethem.Igiveservice.Icantbeservile.
Thereisadifference.Igotintoxicatedwithgivingservice.ItbecomestheatricalandIfeellikeMata
Hari,anditintoxicatesme.Imonstage.ItelleveryoneImawaitressandImproud.Whensomebody
saystome,Hey,youreterrific!Howcomeyourejustawaitress?KnowwhatIhavetosaytothem?
Isay,Why?Dontyouthinkyoudeservetobeservedbyme?

THE5thOFJULYbyLanfordWilson
Shirley:
ImgoingtobethegreatestartistMissourihaseverproduced.Thegreatestartistfromtheentire
Midwest.Illbeapainter,orasculptor.Oradancer!Awriter!Aconductor!Acomposer!Anactress!
Oneofthearts!Peoplewilldie.Certainpeoplewillliterallyhavecardiacarrestatthemagnitudeofmy

achievements.Illbesomethingastonishing!Justastonishing!IwillhaveyouknowthatIintendto
studyfortenyears,thenburstforthontheworld.Andpeoplewillbeabashed!Amazed!Astonished!
Atmymagnitude.OhGod!Look!Isthatshe?Isit?ITIS!ITISSHE!AHHHHHHHHH!(Shecollapseson
thefloorandthenslowlygetsuptoasittingposition.)Shedieddeadofcardiacarrestandastonishment
atthemagnificenceofmyachievementinmychosenfield.

THEGOODTIMESAREKILLINGMEbyLyndaBarry
Edna:
TheradiowasonandthatwasthefirsttimeIheardthatsong,theoneIhate.WheneverIhearitallI
canthinkofwasthatveryday,ridinginthefrontseatwithLucyleaningagainstmeandthesmellofjuicy
fruitmakingmewanttothrowup.Howcanasongdothat?Belikeanetthatcatchesawholeentire
day,evenadaywhosegutsyouhate?Youhearitandallofasuddeneverythingcomeshangingbackin
frontofyoualltangledupinthatmusic.
EllenwasntsupposedtotellusbutitwasfromherthatIfoundoutthenameofdadsgirlfriendwasPat.
Theonefromhisstore.AndIguessherwasgoingtobelivingwithhernow.Ellenletmesleepinher
bedforthewholeweekwehadtostaythere.Sometimesitdoesntmatterwhenyourdreamfinally
comestrue,doesit?Shesleptwithherradioplayingandduringthenight,whenIcouldntsleep,I
wouldlaythereandwonderifIhadheardeverysongintheworldyet.

ILLNEVERGIVEUPMYINDEPENDENCEbyJulesFeiffer
YoungGirl:
Trytoseeitmyway.IamnearlytwentyandifIwasevergoingtomakeabreak,nowisthetimetodoit.
SoItoldmyparentsIwasmovingout.Youcantimaginetheyellingandscreaming.Myfathersaid,
YOUrebreakingyourmothersheart.Mymothersaid,Whatwasmycrime?Whatwasmyterrible
crime?AndbeforeIknewitwewereinanargumentandItoldthemboththeyneededanalysisand
theytoldmeIhadafilthymouth,andsuddenlyIwasoutinthestreetwithmyraincoat,mysuitcase,
andmytennisracketbutIhadnoplacetomove!
Well,frankly,whatonearthcouldIdo?IwaitedtillitwaswaypastmyparentsbedtimethenI
sneakedbackintothehouseandsetthealarminmybedroomforsixthenextmorning.Ivebeenliving
thatwayfortwomonthsnow.AndeverydayIcallupmyparentsfromthedownstairsdrugstoreand
theyyellandcryatmetocomeback.ButofcourseIalwaystellthemno.
Illnevergiveupmyindependence.

LOSTINYONKERSbyNeilSimon
LOUIE:
Maknewwhatwasgoinon.ShecouldtellifsaltwasmissinfromapretzelButshewouldntsay
nothin.Shedcomeupfromthestorewiththemilk,siddownforbreakfast,knowinthattwoscoopsof
everythingwasmissin,andshedjuststareatyourightintoyoureyeballs,pupiltopupilnever
blinkinHereyeslookedliketowDistrictAttorneysandEddiecouldnttakethepressure.Hed
alwayscrack.Tearswouldstartrollindownhischeekslikeawetconfessionandwhack,hedgetthat
bigGermanhandrightacrosstheheadButnotme,Idstarerightbackuntilhereyelidsstartedto
weighttenpoundseachAndshedturnawayfromme,downforthecountAndyouknowwhat?She
loveditbecauseIknewhowtotakecareofmyselfYeah,meandMalovedtoputontheglovesand
gothedistance(HEtakesoffjacket,putsitonthebackofthechair.

ITSCALLEDTHESUGARPLUMbyIsraelHorovitz
Zuckerman:
IusedtopassagourmetshopuponmywayuptoBoston.WhenIcameintomyUnclestoworkon
Sunday.Iwasjustakidthen.IusedtocomeineverySundayfromWakefield.Onthebus.Anyway.
Therewasthisgourmetshop.German.Theysoldpastriesandstufftomakeyourownpastries.
Anyway.Theyhadthisterrificsignintheirwindowforyearsadvertisingdoughforstrudel.Hugesign.
Strudeldough.Itwasupforyears.IusedtopassiteverySunday.AndIusedtothinkaboutallthose
peoplewhohadtokeepstaringatiteveryday.Theynevereverchangedthesign.Imean,itjusthung
there,tapedtothewindowgettingoldandsortofyellowandterrible.Strudeldough.Getit?Soone
day,Igotoffofthebusnearthepastryshop;andItookamagicmarkerandrightunderstrudeldough
Iwrotestrudeldee!!!Isntthatbeautiful?(Heslaughing.)Strudeldough.Strudeldee.Canyou
imaginewhatallthosepoorpeoplesaidwhentheysawit?Afterallthoseyearsofpassingthatsign,all
ofasuddenitsfunny.Strudeldough.Strudeldee.Youthinkthatsfunny,dontyou?

AH,WILDERNESSbyEugeneONeill
Richard:
Afteritwasdark,IsneakedoutandwenttoalowdiveIknowabout.Ifyoudontbelieveme,askthem
atthePleasantBeachHouseifIdidnt.Theywontforgetmeinahurry.Thisplaceisasecrethouseof
shame.Inoticedoneofthegirlstheonethatwasntwithhimlookingatme.Shehadstrangelooking
eyes.AndthensheaskedmeifIwouldntdrinkchampagnewiththemandcomesitwithher.Ifigured
whyshouldntI,whenyoutoldmeinthatletteryoudneverseemeagain?Ididntknowthenthat
yourPamadeyouSHEhadgoldenhairthekindthatburnsandstingsyou.Shekeptsmokingone
cigaretteafteranotherbutthatsnothingforachorusgirl.Oh,wekeptdrinkingchampagneallnight
andshecameandsatinmylapandkissedme.(Afraidhehasgonetoofar)Butitwasallinfun.BeforeI
leftforhome,shegotfresh,ItoldherIlovedyouandcouldneverloveanyoneelse.Ionlydidittoget
backatyou.

BEAUJESTbyJamesSherman
Chris:
Therecomesatimewhenamanhastostakehisclaim.(HElooksatSarahandthenturnsandmovesto
Abe.)Mr.Goldman.Iamfullycognizantofthefactyoudontapproveofme.But,Ithink,ifyougotto
knowme,youwoulddiscoverthat,inspiteofthefactthatIworkinadvertising,Iamaverydecent
humanbeing.Iloveyourdaughterverymuch.Andwhileitisthesourceofsomeconflictforher,I
believethatshelovesme.Iwouldliketodedicatemylifetomakingherhappyandprovidingforherin
everywayIpossiblycan.Sowithyourpermissionand,hopefullywithyourblessingIamgoingtoask
yourdaughterforherhandinmarriage.