Sie sind auf Seite 1von 179

Paul Mascetta

Unspoken Power

Table of Contents

Introduction ....................................................................................................................... 5
Part 1: The Essentials of Body Language ....................................................................... 7
The Era of the Eyes ....................................................................................................... 8
The Truth Behind Body Language ............................................................................ 10
Body Language as a Mind Channel ........................................................................... 15
Perceptiveness Defined ............................................................................................... 17
Women Vs. Men: The Perceptiveness Test ............................................................... 20
Reading Body Language for the First Time ............................................................. 24
The Nuances of Reading Body Language ................................................................. 32
Reading Kids vs. Reading Adults .............................................................................. 34
A Step in the Right Direction ..................................................................................... 39
Part 2: The Hands ........................................................................................................... 42
The Concept of Openness in Body Language ........................................................... 44
The Power of the Open Palm ..................................................................................... 49
Commands and Palm Gestures .................................................................................. 52
Handshakes Demystified ............................................................................................ 61
Who Initiates the Shake? ............................................................................................ 63
Power and the Handshake .......................................................................................... 64
Dominance.................................................................................................................... 65
Submissiveness............................................................................................................. 68
Equal Power ................................................................................................................. 70
Strategies for Handshakes .......................................................................................... 71

Unspoken Power

Power Struggle............................................................................................................. 79
Ten Handshakes You Should Avoid At All Cost ...................................................... 81
Exploring Hand Gestures ........................................................................................... 91
Hand-Rubbing ............................................................................................................. 92
Clenching the Hands Together................................................................................... 95
Projecting Power ......................................................................................................... 97
Attracting a Males Attention .................................................................................... 99
Hands-Behind-the-Back Gestures ........................................................................... 100
Thumb Signs .............................................................................................................. 102
Part 3: Smiling............................................................................................................... 104
Telling a Genuine From a Fake ............................................................................... 106
The Nature of Smiles ................................................................................................. 109
When One Person Smiles, Everyone Follows Suit ................................................. 111
Smiling and Survival ................................................................................................. 113
Part 4: The Arms .......................................................................................................... 114
Should You Cross Your Arms, Too? ....................................................................... 116
Comfort, Context and Body Language ................................................................... 117
The Why and How of the Crossed Arm Gesture.................................................... 118
Varieties of the Arm Barrier .................................................................................... 120
Touch Works Wonders ............................................................................................. 125
Part 5: Zeroing In On Cultural Differences ............................................................... 128
Remember the Body Language Basics .................................................................... 129
Differences Across Cultures ..................................................................................... 132
Introductions & Interaction ..................................................................................... 132

Unspoken Power

Demystifying Body Language in Japan................................................................... 136


Hand Gestures Across Cultures ............................................................................... 139
Part 6: Hand-Face Gestures ......................................................................................... 145
Body Language & Lying ........................................................................................... 146
Watch Out For These Gestures! .............................................................................. 150
A Variety of Head & Hand Gestures ....................................................................... 154
Part 7: The Eyes ............................................................................................................ 156
Dilation and Contraction .......................................................................................... 156
Exploring Eye Gestures ............................................................................................ 158
The Eye-Mind Connection........................................................................................ 166
Part 8: Personal Space, Postures & Gestures ............................................................. 168
Personal Spaces & Zoning ........................................................................................ 168
What the Legs Tell Us ............................................................................................... 170
Seated Postures .......................................................................................................... 175
Exploring Common Gestures ................................................................................... 177

Unspoken Power

Introduction
Human communication has reached several milestones in
the past few decades. With the birth of the Internet and the
never ending evolution of electronic communication, humans
are learning how to rapidly compress the process of
communication.
However, in the real world where human contact is
inevitable, we must always remember that communication is
always taking place at several levels.
Human communication is not limited to just verbal
communication. In fact, verbal communication is less than
50% of what is actually being expressed or communicated
by a person at any one time.
We are not reducing the importance of verbal
communication but rather, we are pointing at a simple fact:
body language plays an equally important (if not more
important) role in communicating what people think and
feel.
When a person speaks, he is speaking not only through his
words (verbal language) but also through his posture, facial
expressions and even hand gestures (body language).
The focus of this book is to teach you how to read other
peoples body language so that you would understand what
they are really trying to communicate instead of just
catching what they are just saying.

Unspoken Power

People are generally more restrained when it comes to


saying what they are thinking and feeling, so the very core
of what people are trying to communicate is manifested in
body language.
If you are able to master body language, you would never
have to worry again about interpreting and understanding
what people are really trying to tell you.
You will never be confused again if the person you have just
spoken to has really agreed with what you have just said or
if he was just being polite. Understanding body language
also gives your persuasion and influence skills a massive
boost.
Body language is 70% of human communication (while
verbal communication is just 30% or sometimes even less).
If you dont pay attention to body language when you are
trying to persuade someone, you are missing out on a
magnificent opportunity to respond to people.
So from now, I want you to adopt a can do attitude when
it comes to body language. It can be learned. It can be
mastered. You can learn it and you can master it. Welcome
to the world of body language!

Unspoken Power

Part 1: The Essentials of Body


Language
People generally think that they can read body language well
because it doesnt have to be taught at the outset.
We learn how to pick up body language as we grow up.
Some people are extremely keen on picking up the signals
while some are a little behind when it comes to
understanding what people are trying to communicate
through gestures, movements, etc.
Unspoken Power was designed to provide an in-depth
exploration of body language and it can be used by anyone
(and I do mean anyone) who wishes to improve their ability
to grasp what people are trying to communicate.
So whether you are trying to convince a person to take your
side in an argument or you are simply trying to have a good
conversation with another person, this book will help you
achieve that.

Unspoken Power

The Era of the Eyes


Before broadcast communication came into being, people of
esteem and importance utilized writing the best they could
to achieve whatever goals they had in life. That is the reason
why just before television and radio became tools for mass
communication, mass publishing was booming.
In the United States, it was common for successful tabloid
newspapers to have a readership of one million or even
more. People had no choice, so they were forced to read
more and more regularly.
Reading meant the people behind the newsprint never had
to actually come into contact with people. When politicians
and presidents had to address the nation, they simply had to
hire people to write the best speech writers in the state so
they could get the peoples vote of confidence.
In todays world, people are no longer fully dependent on
printed media.
Western culture in general is now more visual and in terms
of striking it fast, politicians, administrators and even
business owners have to rely on visual representations that
quickly capture the publics attention. These representations
are also used to gain the support of people.

Unspoken Power

Politicians, celebrities and even corporate individuals are


hiring consultants who specialize in body language to ensure
that they always project whatever ideal images they may
have in mind.
For example, if a politician wishes to come across as a caring
individual (but he really isnt one), his consultant will take
care of that. The consultant or body language specialist will
think of ways to re-present the politician in such a way that
he would be viewed in a more positive light by the public.
Many people would argue that for the civilized world only
verbal language (or any other type of language that involves
the use of actual symbols, words, etc.) would be truly
sufficient to convey what a person truly feels and thinks.
You should not be surprised that this kind of thinking is very
pervasive because hardly anyone pays attention to the fact
that body language is a persons first language.
Some two million years ago, humans communicated mainly
through vocalizations (not formal language) and gestures.
Thats how language began and the modern languages that
we people speak now are only a very recent development.
And heres the thing: people from all walks of life (and from
whatever culture) can recognize body language signals.
Certain gestures and movements are actually instinctual.
Its part of the evolutionary bedrock that was passed down
to us by our ancestors thousands of years ago as the human
brain was just beginning to expand to accommodate the
complex thought processes that would later become the
human species most powerful tool in terms of survival.

Unspoken Power

The Truth Behind Body Language


Back in the fifties, a researcher by the name of Albert
Mehrabian postulated that human communication can
actually be broken down into three distinct components:
Verbal communication (7%)
Vocal communication (38%)
Non-verbal communication (55%)
Mehrabian made an important distinction in his own
categories. Mahrebian differentiated between the use of
formal language (langue) and the use of different sounds
during speech (vocal communication).
As you can see from his categories, non-verbal
communication forms a very big part of actual
communication. Formal language-in-use on the other hand,
occupies a very small portion of human communication.
Nonverbal communication is complex and so this particular
field of study required the expertise of a wide variety of
academicians,
including
anthropologists.
Another
academician, Ray Birdwhistell was one of the few
academicians of his time who took the study of body
language to a completely new level.
Before, people believed that the importance of body
language was so minute that it did not warrant any formal
study. People like Birdwhistell and Mahrebian knew the truth
and so they acted upon their own insights and advanced
the field themselves.

10

Unspoken Power

Birdwhistells findings are staggeringly similar to Mahrebians


own results. According to Birdwhistell, when a person speaks
to another person face to face, language as we know it only
occupies a meager 35% of the total communication that is
transpiring between the two individuals.
What about the remaining 65%? You guessed it right: the
remaining 65% is actually comprised of non-verbal
communication!
Imagine: when we are trying to tell something to someone,
we are conveying the entire message through three
channels of communication verbal, vocal and non-verbal!
That means your own body language can betray your true
sentiments if the other person is an expert in reading and
analyzing body language.
Body language is so important that three decades ago social
scientists have already proven that first impression is the
most important factor when it comes to making an impact
on anyone for any reason at all. In fact, first impression
accounts for a staggering sixty to eighty percent of the total
opinion that people have of other people.
Rule of Thumb: A good first impression is 70% nonverbal and 30% verbal & vocal.
So if we think about it carefully, what matters is not really
the content of what we said initially to a person or a group
of people but how we delivered the message that we wanted
to convey.
Remember the old adage you only have a few moments to
impress someone?

11

Unspoken Power

Well, it appears that this adage has a kernel of truth in it.


According to earlier studies, a person will form a lasting
opinion of a person he has just met within four minutes or
less.
So if you are presenting something pivotal to a group of
people, you must have a winning argument and you must
know how to present your message in such a way that
people who are listening to you will easily give you their
trust and vote of confidence.
What about situations that do not require a face-to-face
conversation?
In such instances, people rely on their critical and peripheral
faculties to cross check what they hear during the
conversation. Since there are no visual cues to rely on,
people are doubly wary when they cannot even see the
other person in the conversation.
If the other person has a strong and sound argument, then
he is able to persuade the other party.

12

Unspoken Power

If he has a very poor argument and he lacks self-confidence,


then he will most likely fail in persuading the other party, its
as simple as that. Without the aid of gestures, hand
movements, facial expressions and so forth, a person has to
work double time to prove himself to the other person or
group.
Rule of Thumb: People are more likely to trust and act
upon what they see than what they hear.
Despite countless proofs that we share something in
common with gorillas, monkeys and baboons (i.e. more than
90% of our genetic material) many people are still resistant
to the idea that like lions, tiger and monkeys, animals are
still animals!
Yes we are proud members of the Animal Kingdom and
you should be happy that we are. Do you know why?
The Animal Kingdom started millions of years ago and we
(the human species) are the result of millions of years of
evolutionary fine-tuning. We are the modern versions of
natures many attempts at creating a bipedal being who can
literally think as he goes.
Why are we discussing this anyway?
Well, think about it! Humans are still essentially animals and
therefore, we (as animals) still follow biological, instinctual
drives.

13

Unspoken Power

If you dont believe me, figure this out: why are parents
distraught when a baby is crying non-stop for hours? Why
are people naturally more comfortable with their own group?
Why are humans more susceptible to depression and poor
health when they have no social life?
If you trace the core of these emotional and psychological
drives, you will find out that we are still following instinctual
roadmaps that are simply part of who we are as Homo
sapiens. Does this mean that we are primitive or heaven
forbid, essentially dull?
Not at all! However, we should always remember that deep
inside every single one of us is the link to our evolutionary
past. This link serves to keep us safe and alive, which is why
we rarely ignore our instincts/gut feel/etc.
And this brings us to our main point if humans are
hardwired to follow their instincts and built-in biological
drives, it also logically follows that people will also receive
and transmit their thoughts and emotions through the
foundational mode expression which is through body
language.

14

Unspoken Power

Body Language as a Mind Channel


Body language can manifest consciously and unconsciously.
Some gestures and movements are simply part of a persons
regular repertoire of body signals while some gestures and
physical expressions manifest in specific situations only.
As such, we can view body language as a mind channel that
helps a person express not only what he thinks but also
what he feels at a particular point in time.
Body language is hardwired into a person. That means for
every situation, thought and emotion, there is a
corresponding gesture or facial expression that can manifest
as an equivalent. Here are some examples:
1. A man who is worried about his current weight might
touch his lower chin or his belly.
2. A woman who has amply sized thighs might tug down
at her dress in the effort to hide the amply sized thighs.
3. A man who is talking to a lady with an amply sized
bosom might look away but his hands or feet might be
moving about because he cannot stare at the womans
bosom.
4. A person who feels threatened by another person
during a conversation will probably wall himself off by
crossing his arms.

15

Unspoken Power

Is there a secret to reading body language?


There is: whenever you have to read the body language of
another person, pay attention to how he moves and
gesticulates but at the same time, you need to tie that up
with what he is actually saying.
Obviously, no real communication can take place if you
ignore the other persons actual words so you still have to
pay attention to his verbal language.
Non-verbal language is important but we have to take into
account that during face-to-face dialogs, people may show
body language that contrasts with what they are actually
saying.
For example, if a person says Im really happy to see you!
but his face and arms are transmitting a negative message,
it may mean several things:
1. The other person is not really happy to see you.
2. The other person has just talked to someone that he
did not like.
3. The other person has just received news that made him
unhappy.
4. The other person is in a bad mood
5. The other person might look sour as a habit and the
body language may be a default preference for that
person.

16

Unspoken Power

Rule of Thumb: Reading body language will allow you


determine whether the other person is being truthful
or not. Reading body language is a way validating the
other persons verbal and vocal communication.
Perceptiveness Defined
When a person is called intuitive, what does this intuitive
person have that others dont?
Intuitiveness or perceptiveness is actually the ability of a
person to read and understand body language. An intuitive
person will listen closely to what another person is saying
but at the same time, the intuitive person will also pay
attention to the other persons body language.
Perceptive individuals are capable of reading between the
lines by analyzing all three levels of human communication:
verbal, vocal and non-verbal. Some people just pay
attention to verbal and vocal, while disregarding non-verbal.
Thats like throwing away 70% of the total message!
Between the two sexes, scientists believe that women are
naturally more perceptive than males.
This doesnt mean that men cant be perceptive, too. But as
far as Western culture goes, women are expected to be
more sensitive than men, so there is also a cultural
component.

17

Unspoken Power

Regardless of this cultural component, both men and women


should learn to be more intuitive because this has a massive
positive impact on a persons ability to truly understand
other people and respond to other peoples needs.
What does an intuitive person look for when he talks to
another person?
Simple: an intuitive person is interested in congruence more
than anything. If the other person is saying that he is
extremely happy, the body language should also show that
he is extremely happy.
If the other persons body language expresses something
else then the intuitive person will see that immediately.
The incongruence between verbal language and non-verbal
language is a trigger that makes the intuitive person more
alert to what the other person is saying.
The intuitive person then starts analyzing why the other
person is not sending out congruent signals. Is the other
person actually lying?
Is he trying to cover something up? Is he trying to
communicate something else? These are the questions that
continually come to mind when a person when a person is
naturally perceptive.

18

Unspoken Power

Perceptiveness may come naturally to some people but this


doesnt mean it cannot be learned. Like any other skill,
being perceptive takes time and practice to master and
eventually, you too can be as perceptive as you want when
you are talking to people face to face.
When a person is perceptive, he knows how to observe his
audience for signs that his message is not producing the
speakers desired results (i.e. persuasion). Once a
perceptive speaker begins noticing key signs that his
message is ineffective, he must change what he is doing
right now to avoid sliding down into complete
ineffectiveness.
Perceptive people can still become ineffective speakers. But
the big difference here is that when a person is perceptive
he will be able to determine at the outset if something is
amiss.
Once he is able to do this, he can change what hes doing so
he will become effective. A person who does not know much
about peoples body language would most likely continue
what he is doing, even if what he is doing right now is not
producing the desired results.

19

Unspoken Power

Women Vs. Men: The Perceptiveness Test


Are women really more perceptive than men?
If I were to base my answer on an actual study, then my
answer would be yes.
And this also confirms the age-old adage that women would
always be more sensitive and perceptive than the guys.
According to a Harvard study, women are generally better in
being perceptive than men.
However, gay men and men who were into the arts
(painting,
writing,
etc.)
also
showed
perceptiveness/intuitiveness that was close to what women
could offer.
Women were eighty seven percent more likely to understand
the deeper nuances of a face to face conversation.
As for the males, it appears that we guys can only read body
language correctly forty two percent of the time only. Thats
a massive difference in perceptiveness if you ask me.
Now, within the group of women respondents those who
already had children were more likely to be intuitive
compared to women who were single and did not have
children.

20

Unspoken Power

The increased intuitiveness is probably the result of having


to care for infants and toddlers who did not have the ability
to express themselves verbally and therefore, must be
understood only though vocal communication (i.e. whining,
laughing, gurgling, babbling, etc.) and non-verbal
communication (gestures, facial expressions, movements,
etc.)
Dont think that researchers arent looking at the
organic/biological basis of perceptiveness. According to
research, womens brains have more than ten dedicated
areas used to study the behavior of other people. Men on
the other hand, only utilize an average of six areas.
Heres another striking difference between male brains and
female brains: female brains were built for multi-tasking. A
woman who is having a conversation can keep track of
multiple topics at the same time.
A woman can also utilize several tones of voice to emphasize
thoughts and emotions, unlike men who are generally more
limited when it comes to modifying their vocal language
during a conversation.
Now lets take a short sojourn into an age-old debate
regarding body language.
Is body language taught or is it something that is natural or
intrinsic to people? And the answer to this question is openended: researchers now agree that some gestures are
taught through culture while some appear to be transferred
genetically.

21

Unspoken Power

For example, you wont have to teach a child how to smile or


laugh because a baby will already know how to smile or
laugh in the first few months of life. You also do not have to
teach a child how to scream or wail in frustration, anger or
pain because those actions are also natural to children (and
adults as well!).
Here are some more actions/gestures/expressions that are
common throughout the world (that means culture barely
plays a part when it comes to these body language signs):
1. Smiling (happiness)
2. Scowling (may signify depression, anger, anxiety,
sadness)
3. Nodding the head (generally signifies an affirmative
response)
4. Shaking the head from one side to another (generally
signifies a negative response)
5. Shrugging the shoulders (generally signifies that the
person does not fully comprehend what has been said
or what is being discussed at that time)

22

Unspoken Power

Researchers believe that the fourth item in our list is


particularly innate to everyone. Heres why: when an infant
is being breastfed, he/she usually signifies that he does not
want any more milk by moving his head to the side quickly.
This action unlatches the nipple from the childs mouth.
Toddlers also tend to shake their head from side to side so
the adult who is spoon-feeding the child would no longer be
able to give the child food.
You can imagine how this action can easily be used by a
child later on in life to signify that he does not agree with
something.
Both agreement and disagreement are easily learned even
when a person has been born blind so we cannot fully argue
at all that these gestures are simply mimicked or copied by
infants/toddlers from their parents.

23

Unspoken Power

Reading Body Language for the First Time


Anyone can consciously try to read other peoples body
language but only a handful of individuals will come up with
a correct reading 95% of the time.
My goal in this book is to ensure that you get it right at least
95% of the time.
Of course, we would be giving a little leeway for mistakes
and errors, but if we can work on the method so well that
you can eliminate the small mistakes, that would be
awesome.
Rule # 1: Gestures Should Be Read and Understood
Together
People who are new to the business of reading body
language often have a tough time determining how to read
the various signals that a person will be giving off at any one
time. Because lets face it: people are usually not very
guarded about their own body language.
Those signals (gestures, movements, facial expressions,
etc.) will be fired off continually and ceaselessly throughout
a conversation. People rarely take the time to think over
what their facial expression should be unless the other
person is also a master in body language (which you will
soon be!)
As a body language reader I have to warn you that although
body language is an awesome way to discover what the
other person is truly feeling or thinking at the moment, it is
also easy to misinterpret or over-interpret signals. For

24

Unspoken Power

example, lets say you were talking to a person that you


were really attracted to.
Since you are very attracted to this person, you are very
alert of any changes in his or her body language. Ideally, a
person who is also attracted and in to you will show
gestures that signify happiness, openness, attraction, etc.
But what if the other person suddenly scratches his or her
head while you were trying to impress your date with one of
your adventures?
What would you think about the gesture? Actually, that
single gesture alone may signify a bunch of things:
1. Your date may have ticks/lice
2. Your date may be late for another appointment
3. Your date may have been confused with what you just
said
4. Your date is not interested in you and the scratching
was an unconscious gesture to communicate just that
5. Your date is irritated with you
6. Your date is sweating and this has made his/her scalp
itchy
7. Your date has dandruff and this also makes his/her
scalp itchy

25

Unspoken Power

8. Your date just remembered something that needs to be


done but he/she cant do it right now because he is
doing something equally important
Now think carefully what does this scenario reveal about
body language?
Body language is not as simple as one would think. Like any
other language, it has its own lexical base and body
language also has structure.
You cannot approach body language as if it was some
inferior or primitive form of language. To win over people
and determine what they are really trying to tell you, you
need to adapt a more structural approach to understanding
body language.
When you are trying to read someones gestures, you have
to find a cluster, group or series before making an
interpretation. This way, you would be reading whole
sentences and phrases instead of singular body language
expressions.
Rule of Thumb: Not all signals point to an obvious
meaning. Tread softly and tread carefully.

26

Unspoken Power

Lets try to analyze one of the most common (and most


striking) set of gestures that signify that the other person is
being critical of what the other person is saying or doing.
By critical we simply mean that the other person does not
wholly agree with what the other party is doing or saying.
There is definitely an air of disagreement and in some case,
there is partial disconnect between Person A and Person B.
A person who is being resistant or critical to what another
person is saying will usually let loose the following physical
signs:
1. Face is planted on one hand. The index finger may be
pointed outward while another finger may be placed
somewhere near the mouth, as if it was covering the
mouth. The thumb on the other hand will be usually
placed underneath the chin as a support.
2. The persons legs are placed side by side tightly or the
person may even cross his legs.
3. The free arm (or the arm that is not supporting the
face) may also be crossed. The free hand is usually
placed behind the arm supporting the face.
As you can imagine, a person who is performing all of these
gestures at once will appear closed and very resistant to
whatever the other person is doing.
By keeping his posture tight and crossed, the other person is
literally creating a wall or barrier around himself. In terms of
body language, a person who is doing all of these gestures
may be expressing one or more of the following:

27

Unspoken Power

I disagree with what you are saying right now


I have some doubts as to what you are saying.
I have some negative things in my mind that I do not want
to express outright.
I dislike what I am hearing right now.

28

Unspoken Power

Rule # 2: Note Any Discrepancies between the Verbal


Message and the Non-Verbal Message
As I have mentioned from time to time, non-verbal
communication through body language has three to five
times more significance than plain, run-the-mill verbal
messages.
For example, lets say you went out on a date with a woman
or man that you think is the best partner for you. You part
ways at one point during the night and your date says I
enjoyed everything. Ill see you soon.
The verbal message sounds positive and encouraging. But if
the other person said it in the dark, would you be able to tell
if the other person was actually being sincere to you when
he/she said that statement? Its hard to tell especially if all
you had to rely on was your dates words (which is only
about 20% to 30% reliable).
Due to the immense importance of body language, women
specifically, tend to focus on body language instead of verbal
language to get the gist of what the other person is really
saying.
For example, if a woman asks a man do you really like
me? she will observe what he does as he answers instead
of just focusing on the words.
Words can be stretched to accommodate falsity and truth
but body language is difficult to use if one wishes to conceal
what one truly feels.

29

Unspoken Power

Body language is expressed almost instantaneously, without


thought or premeditation. Thats the beauty of body
language once you master it, you will never look at face to
face conversations the same way ever again.
Rule # 3: Context is Important
When you are reading a short story or novel, isnt it nice to
find out the context first before the author begins filling the
pages with uncontrollable verbiage? Consider the following
statement:
(Imagine that this is a first paragraph in an otherwise short
book)
The women swept into the cold room with a torrent of hot
tears as she pummeled the door down with her raw hands.
The beastly and savage winter winds filled the room as the
woman collapsed on the floor, now unable to get up. Several
men are now visible near the door and they are all wearing
brown jumpsuits and they are waving truncheons and lit
torches angrily while screaming Evita! Evita! Evita!
Obviously, if this was the first paragraph of a relatively short
book you would either close the book or just throw it away
in frustration.
No respectable author would ever open his book in this
manner because it removes people immediately from the
context of the story. Even books that start with flashbacks
or in medias res (in the middle of things) still utilize at
least some clues to contextualize what is happening.

30

Unspoken Power

Rule of Thumb: A person who is constantly wiping his


forehead on a hot day is not anxious or nervous hes
probably just feeling very hot.
Context is central to the idea of reading body language. It is
your first priority. Understand the context first before
making a judgment or decision based on what you are
reading. Clusters of gestures can mean different things in
different situations. Heres a brief example:
Gesture: A person putting his index finger on top of
his mouth, which is partially pointing forward.
Context 1 At a movie house: The person is probably just
telling you to keep quiet because other people near your
seat are getting ready to pounce on you for being talkative.
Context 2 At a business meeting: The person may be
warning you not to disagree or comment on a particular
point because someone might get angry. The person may
also be telling you that it is not your turn to speak just yet
and you should wait before you present your own opinions.
Context 3 At a party: If you know the person, he might be
performing the gesture to warn you that someone might get
offended because of what you are saying or doing. If you do
not know the person, the shush gesture is an offensive
sign and the other person is probably openly critical to what
you are doing or saying.

31

Unspoken Power

The Nuances of Reading Body Language


No master reader (of body language) can honestly say that
body language itself is easy.
Human language is complex by nature because it is
constantly being adapted and appropriated by people.
Gestures, facial expressions and movements can also
become pass (or clich) over time and this also affects how
people use specific gestures in different contexts.
Due to the complexity of body language, I have to warn you
again that its easy to commit mistakes in your own analysis.
And that is completely fine people make mistakes and that
is how we learn. However, because its easy to get it wrong
you shouldnt be too confident all the time about your own
readings of other peoples body language.
As a body language reader, you should adapt the critical
mindset of a scientist. Always approach things critically
thats all you need to do.
If you are critical, you are always thinking about how things
go together and whether one thing logically follows another.
The more you work within this critical mindset, the better off
you are because you would begin to follow a critical routine
whenever you are trying to figure out what another person
is saying.

32

Unspoken Power

Lets try to put into context what we have been discussing


so far.
Imagine that you were introduced by a friend to another
person (who has been introduced as a librarian). People
usually pay attention to the first handshake because many
people believe that the handshake alone can tell you if the
person has a strong personality or a weak personality.
You extend your hand to shake the other persons hand
but the other person only responds with a weak, somewhat
hesitant shake.
Immediately, what comes to mind is the other person might
possibly be shy and he may have low confidence in himself
because the handshake was so imperceptible, slow and
weak.
To a certain extent, the handshake may expose at least part
of a persons personality. A weak handshake might mean
that the person is generally shy. But it may also mean that
the other person does not like meeting new people at all.
Or perhaps the other person generally does not shake hands
in a strong manner because his job involves the use of his
hands and he needs to protect the flexibility of his own
hands (i.e. the other person is a surgeon or painter, etc.)
If this is the reason then you will probably receive a hand
that has almost dead weight. The dead weight results from
minimal wrist and forearm movement.

33

Unspoken Power

Reading Kids vs. Reading Adults


There is no doubt about it kids are easier to read than
adults. Here are some of the main reasons:
1. Kids are still very dependent on instinctual responses to
situations.
2. Kids are very speedy when it comes to body language.
3. Kids show basic gestures and expressions when they
try to communicate something to other people.
4. Kids have more muscle tone and muscle flexibility and
therefore, they can easily express themselves through
facial expressions and gestures.
These four main points are important because these present
why adults are harder to read. Simply reverse the situation
for adults:
1. Adults tend to be more careful about their body
language.
2. There is generally a gap or delay between an adults
verbal language and body language.
3. Adults may or may not show significant gestures when
talking or expressing themselves.
4. Adults are not as keen on moving about and using
facial expressions when talking. If an adult can keep it
straightforward and simple, he will. Of course, this still
varies from one person to another but generally
speaking, adults like to keep everything simple because

34

Unspoken Power

excess movement and gestures can tire out an adult


easily.
Do adults leave behind gestures and expressions that they
have used when they were kids? Not entirely.
Of course, as adults we would have to refrain from
performing gestures and movements that may be frowned
upon by others (i.e. laughing giddily and loudly when we see
someone we know) but that doesnt mean that we
completely leave behind our expressions when we were kids.
Heres a great example of how gestures and physical
expressions can carry over to adulthood. Have you ever
seen a child tell a small lie?
What do you notice about the child, specifically his hands? 7
out of 10, the child that you have seen probably put his
hand/s near his mouth, as if he was trying to cover up his
mouth as he was telling the fib or lie.
Kids as young as four can use this gesture when they are
either lying or they have been caught saying something that
wasnt entirely true. This happens all the time and to kids,
the hand-to-mouth movement is the most appropriate
gesture for that situation.
But the question now is do adults actually use this gesture?
The answer, believe it or not, is yes. Adults still use a
variation of the original gesture but there is usually a delay
between the actual gesture and the lie.

35

Unspoken Power

The toned down version of this gesture is placing a finger


near the mouth after a lie has been spoken. The perceived
purpose of this gesture is the same with the perceived
purpose of the basic gesture to cover up the mouth which
has spoken something deceitful.
Now you may have heard of people who actually fake body
language to fool people into thinking that they are being
sincere. Can this be done, at all? Fortunately, to a body
language reader, any attempts at faking body language are
futile.
The reason for this is quite simple: the mind may instruct
the body to lie, but the body is hard-wired to express whats
in the mind.
So if a person is not being sincere, there might be one or
two gestures that seem to be showing sincerity but there
would be other gestures and expressions within the cluster
that would be incongruent with what the other person is
trying to project consciously.
For example, a person might consciously hold out his hands
(palms exposed) to show passive acceptance or inability to
understand but at the same time, his eyes might suddenly
narrow or some parts of his body might become twitchy
because he is trying to conceal what he truly thinks and
feels.

36

Unspoken Power

As a master of body language, your first task is to separate


fact from fiction. Verbal language, vocal language and nonverbal language (body language) can all be used equally to
communicate truth and falsity.
A person who is bent on deceit can mimic the body language
of a sincere person to hide his deceit. A master reader on
the other hand, would be able to see through the guise of a
faker and uncover what he truly feels and thinks.
Always remember that the hands are usually used to fake
sincerity so pay close attention when a person makes use of
his hands often to drive home a point, etc. The following
cannot be consciously controlled:
1. Dilation and contraction of the pupils
2. Profuse sweating
3. Redness or paleness of the cheeks and face
If a person appears sincere but is suddenly sweating even if
its not hot, the person is probably trying to hide something.
And heres the thing about people who try to fake their body
language they can only go on for so long. Fakers usually
dont have the energy to sustain the deceit for long periods
of time.

37

Unspoken Power

For genuinely sincere people on the other hand, it is easy to


appear happy, grateful or sad at something because
everything comes out naturally. They dont have to
remember to do this or that because they are being
truthful to what they feel and think.
Fakers on the other hand, have to keep a close watch on
what they say and what they show the other person so they
can keep their guise up. Faking body language is like being
thrown unto a theater stage where you have to act for the
whole duration of the scene.
If Person A absolutely despised his boss but he has to talk to
this person because he was called to a private meeting, he
has to pretend that he wants to be there for the whole
duration of the meeting. Doing this can be very exhausting,
indeed!
Now, a master reader should also remember that he should
also show positive body language when he is talking to
people so he can get the right response from other people.
Positive body language helps build self-confidence and can
also facilitate better communication between people.
Negative body language (i.e. aggressive body language)
should be avoided at all cost because negative body
language rarely produces desired results because people are
usually more sensitive to negative body language.

38

Unspoken Power

A Step in the Right Direction


Reading body language requires continuous practice. It is a
real skill that requires practice.
And that is your first assignment as a budding master reader
you need to start observing and analyzing the body
movements, gestures and facial expressions of those around
you.
Ideally, should be able to study body language for at least
fifteen minutes a day in total.
It doesnt have to be fifteen minutes straight; you just have
to average at least fifteen minutes a day. So whether you
are a stay at home mom or an office worker, try to practice
your skill by keenly observing people when you talk to them
face to face.
It is also possible to study body language when you are
talking to someone on a video conference. Though you
would not be able to see all of the other persons body while
talking to him/her, it is possible to study hand gestures and
facial expressions during the conversation.
Now, if you want to pick it up a notch, you can set aside an
exploration day, preferably when you dont have work and
you are not preoccupied with other things. An exploration
day is just a short period of time (like 1 hour) where you sit
back and relax and simply observe other people.

39

Unspoken Power

A good place to hold an exploration day would be at a local


public park, bus stop, airport, or anywhere people normally
huddle together. Note that you dont have to talk to other
people at all when you are having your exploration day.
You just have to observe other people and analyze their
body language. Also, you dont have to listen closely to the
verbal language if you dont know who you are observing
because that would probably get you in trouble.
Another option is to watch television. Now I dont mean
watch your favorite TV show I want you to watch
interviews and similar programming because I want you to
observe how people respond to specific questions and
responses. The more keen you are during the observation
period, the more you will learn.
When you are studying body language on television, it would
be helpful if you could turn down the volume and just study
how people use body language to communicate.
Try to get the gist of the conversation without listening to
the verbal language. You might be surprised at how accurate
you can become by just focusing on facial expressions and
gestures.
Body language is essential if you want to improve your overall communication and persuasion skills because it will reveal
to you how people actually use power play to obtain the
results that they want.

40

Unspoken Power

Dominance, subordination, passivity, aggressiveness and


offensiveness can all be showcased if you observe the body
language of other people. You are now a master reader
and nothing will stand in your way now.
Rule of Thumb: Reading body language obsessively
Until it becomes an almost natural instinct to do so.

41

Unspoken Power

Part 2: The Hands

In terms of power-play, the hands are used most frequently


to establish positionality and roles within a general group or
within a subgroup.
Any master reader should be aware of the various nuances
of hand gestures, handshakes, etc. so that he would know
whether he is being unconsciously dominated or the other
person is acting as a subordinate, etc.
The hands are naturally important to communication
because if we were to look back at human evolution, it is the
hands that truly separated humans from other animals. The
human species was able to manipulate objects using his two

42

Unspoken Power

hands. He was able to perform complex tasks using just his


hands.
Handshakes are a focal point in body language. Many people
think that the handshake is just a formality that people use
when introductions are made.
Little do people know that the handshake in itself is a tool of
personal power and now you have the power to analyze
and put handshakes into advantage if need be.
Hand movements typically reflect the main category of
thought going through a persons mind at any one time.
Though it would be hard to determine what exactly a
person is thinking when he moves his hands, you can still
study hand movements to see if the other person is
receptive to your ideas or arguments (or not).
Now, did you know that the open palm historically signifies
various traits or characteristics? Here are a few:
-

Submission to the other person


Openness
Affirmation to another persons ideas
Truthfulness or veracity
Domination of another person

43

Unspoken Power

The Concept of Openness in Body Language

Open hands truthfulness, sincerity, openness


The most common posture that reflects openness in a
person is the open hands posture.
A person who uses this gesture shows his open palms
(which in olden times is done to show the other party that
no weapon is being concealed in the hands). Subsequently,
a person who does this usually wants to tell the other person
that he is telling the truth at the outset.
A person who uses the open hands gesture usually does so
unconsciously. When a person is about to say something
truthful or sincere, the hands are automatically thrust out,
palm-face up. It is kept in this position until the person is
satisfied that he has made his case already.

44

Unspoken Power

If a person holds out his hand when he wants to be open or


truthful to another person, what do people do when they
want to hide something?
Earlier in this book we discussed how children and adults
raise their hand/finger to cover their mouths when a lie is
being spoken. A related gesture involves placing the hands
behind the back. Children are most likely to use this gesture.
When a child wishes to hide something from an adult, he
places his hands behind his back as he answers questions
from the adult. This habit doesnt go away in adulthood. An
adult who is not being entirely truthful will often place his
hands in his pocket while talking to the other person.

Hands in pocket pose

45

Unspoken Power

Arms crossed pose


The hands in pocket pose and the arms crossed pose are
usually used by males. Notice that both poses require hiding
the open palm from the other person. Thats because
unconsciously, the person is thinking that his hands have
something and hes trying to hide that something from view.
What about women? Do women use the arms crossed pose
and the hands in pocket pose when they are trying to hide
something? The answer is: not really.
Women are too intuitive to get caught doing these very
natural gestures so what women do is they avoid talking
about the topic that they dont want to tackle anyway.
As a woman changes the topic, she would usually burst off
into a multitude of topics to confuse the other person. The
multitude of topics will effectively derail the first line of

46

Unspoken Power

inquiry and it also gives the woman the opportunity to do


something as she is talking.
The extra activity as she speaks helps hide the open palms.
A person who is not intuitive enough may not detect the
various shifts in verbal and non-verbal language
immediately but in time, you would be able to detect
whether or not a woman is being truthful to you or not.
Rule of Thumb: Men unconsciously use gestures to
reveal that they are lying. Women become doubly
busy as they fib.
If you are in marketing or sales, it would be a good idea to
watch the hands of your customer/potential customer when
you are making your pitch. If you offered something and the
other person refused to take your offer, watch the hands as
he explains himself.
If the customer is being truthful to you, his hands would
probably be exposed as he gesticulates during the refusal.
But if his hands are hidden (i.e. he crosses his arms) he is
probably not being truthful.
What are the implications of these gestures if you were
indeed trying to sell a product or idea to someone?
Think about it this way: if the other person is being truthful,
that means you have to change your tactic to counter the
valid obstacle.
For example, if you are trying to sell a $3,000 product to
someone and the other person replies I dont have that
kind of money right now as he gesticulates with open

47

Unspoken Power

palms, that means he really doesnt have that kind of


money.
So you need to change the trajectory of your argument or
you have to offer something different to convince the other
person to take the product despite of the heavy price tag.
You can also watch the hands to see if person you are
talking to is really into what you are saying or if he doesnt
want to participate in the dialog at all. The hands in pocket
gesture is usually a key sign that the other person does not
want to talk at all.
Why is that? Well, since the hands are extremely expressive,
a person who hides his hands is expressing non-verbally that
he wishes to close his mouth. When the mouth is closed,
speech is impossible. Do you get the association?

48

Unspoken Power

The Power of the Open Palm

The open palm is a powerful expressive tool that can be


used to communicate effectively to individuals and groups.
Just observe individuals who are under public scrutiny. Most
of these individuals would have their hands hidden in their
pant pockets or coat pockets.
That single gesture alone means that the individual does not
want to talk at all. It is a barrier gesture that sends a
powerful visual message instantly.
Body language is much more effective than words or vocal
language because once a person sees a non-verbal message
he understand instantly. There is no delay between the
transmission of the non-verbal message and the reception of
the same.
Now, because the open hands pose or open palm gesture
is so strong, pathological liars and con artists usually use
such gestures to get the trust of other people.

49

Unspoken Power

But again we have to emphasize that the open palm gesture


can only convey sincerity and truthfulness if all the other
signals within a cluster are congruent with each other. There
has to be a clear parallel between the bigger gesture and the
micro-signals (i.e. lips, cheeks, eyes, eye brows, etc.)
Experienced con artists can learn to control their emotions
and body language so much that they appear sincere and
believable even if they really arent. Be careful when dealing
with such individuals be alert and always read the body
speak even when you are convinced that the other person
is telling the truth.
Lets say you want to appear more sincere than you are
now. What should you do? Easy use the open palm pose
more often.
People know that a person who exposes his palms is not
hiding anything. However, I must warn you that when you
get into the habit of using your open palms all the time you
need to make sure that you are ready to tell the truth every
time.
You see, the mind-body connection is so strong that when
we consciously choose gestures like the open-palm pose we
automatically associate the gesture with telling the truth.
Its a basic cause and effect relationship that the mind
makes with the body language that we consciously choose to
use. So again, be careful when you choose this particular
strategy.
Body language has strong linkages to the way we express
our emotions. Whether you are feeling happy, sad or
defensive right now, there is a gesture or movement that
will express what you are truly feeling.

50

Unspoken Power

That is the reason why it is extra difficult to tell a lie if you


keep your hands open and exposed. Your body will react to
the emotion and thoughts that you have as you perform the
open hand gesture. Since physical responses to emotions
are hard-wired, its pretty difficult to counter what comes
instinctually to people.

51

Unspoken Power

Commands and Palm Gestures

Palm up

Palm down, fingers pointed

Palm down

52

Unspoken Power

It is very common for people to use their hands when they


are trying to instruct or command someone to do
something. There are three main gestures involved when a
command is being given to another person:
1. The palm up gesture
2. The palm down gesture
3. The palm down, fingers pointed gesture
Lets discuss the differences between these three gestures.
The first one is the palm up gesture. A person who is
making these gestures can be communicating any of the
following:
1. I am pointing at the relevant item or location.
2. I am asking you to listen.
3. I am ready to listen to you.
4. I want to listen to you.
5. I am making a non-threatening request right now.
6. I am passing on important yet non-urgent instructions
7. I am politely ordering you to do something

53

Unspoken Power

The palm-up gesture may have different effects on people


but mainly, this gesture means you are equalizing the
playing field and you are not resorting to your position or
role to get what you want.
People who see such a gesture will not normally feel that
they are being threatened with the command and order and
as such, the resistance to perform the desired action is
minimized or completely eliminated.
The palm-down gesture on the other hand, immediately
creates a power struggle between two individuals because
this gesture signifies power. The downward movement
(which naturally follows a palm down position) means you
are directly commanding the other person to follow what you
have just said.
If you used this gesture in an office environment and you
gave the request or command to a fellow office worker who
is of the same level as you, expect some degree of
animosity to erupt between the two of you because you are
telling the other person that you are superior to him as you
do the gesture.
The third gesture (the palm down, fingers closed and
pointed) is the most aggressive and dominant gesture of all.
The third gesture should only be used if you are really
addressing subordinates who report directly to you and you
will not suffer from any backlash by performing a direct
power play on a person or group while you were given
orders or instructions.

54

Unspoken Power

The third gesture is a little off limits because the movement


generated by this pose is reminiscent of a weapon beating
down on someone.
If you close fingers tightly as you give someone instructions,
the tendency is for your entire arm to stiffen as you move
your hand back and forth. This really creates the illusion that
you are beating with something and therefore, you should
be listened to.
Palm positions can also reveal the power play within a
relationship. Traditionally, males are seen as the de facto
leaders in relationships. But we know this isnt true. Its
different from couple to couple. Some couples have the
woman at the lead while some couples have males at the
lead.
You can easily see who is in charge when you check out how
a couple walks in public. The boss in the relationship will
usually be walking first, followed by the more submissive
partner.
The more dominant one in the relationship will have his
palms facing the other partner while the other partners
palm will be facing the dominant ones palm. There will be a
hand clasp involved, but still, the submissive partners hand
will be under the dominant ones hand.

55

Unspoken Power

Side-oriented pointed finger

Bottom-oriented pointed finger


A fourth gesture exists: the pointed finger. There are two
variations of the pointed finger. One is made with the palm
partially exposed at the side. This gesture resembles a gun
and when you make this gesture, it is as if you were
shooting orders at someone.
When you make this gesture, it is obvious that you want to
subordinate the other person to follow what you want.
Expect some animosity and resistance if you habitually use
such a gesture.

56

Unspoken Power

The second variation of the pointed finger utilizes a palmdown position instead. The thumb is tucked in and the focal
point of this gesture is the rigid, pointing index finger. The
second variation of the pointed finger is much more
offensive and aggressive than the first variation so never
use it if you want a more harmonious relationship with
people!
In some countries in Southeast Asia, using the index finger
when talking to someone is considered a massive insult and
you can easily incur the ire of some people as pointing itself
is only used for inanimate objects and animals. Be careful
with your habitual hand gestures when travelling to other
countries!
Rule
of
Thumb:
When giving
commands
or
instructions, use an open palm together with gentle
movements.

57

Unspoken Power

In a study that focused on audience feedback, a lecturer was


asked to deliver just one lecture to three different groups of
people. The only thing that changed when each of the three
lectures was delivered was the hand gestures that were
used during the lecture.
As expected, the palm up gesture was the most effective in
grabbing the attention and trust of the audience. Eighty-five
percent of individuals from the palms up group reported
that they liked the lecture.
In the second group, the lecturer reported the same lecture
but he used the palms down gesture instead. The positive
reports from the audience dropped to just fifty two percent
positive reports.
In the third and final group, the lecturer predominantly used
the pointed finger while he was delivering the lecture.
As expected, the crowd really despised the lecture. Only
twenty three percent of the audience thought that it was a
good lecture. In addition to this poor report card some
members of the audience had enough early on and left the
lecture hall completely.
Using the pointed finger when talking to people can also
reduce message retention. Since people are automatically on
the alert when they see a pointed finger, they will focus
more on the gesture than the message.

58

Unspoken Power

Instead of using the offensive gesture, why not opt for the
ideal pose (the palm up gesture) or at least acceptable pose
(the palm down gesture)? It takes time to develop a new
body language-related habit, but it is possible. The trick is to
watch your hands even for a few seconds just before you
speak to check if your fingers are pointing again.
If your fingers are indeed pointing, just correct your gesture
and move forward. People dont usually mind when a person
points a few times during a conversation. Pointing gestures
can sometimes be helpful if you want to drive home an
extremely important point or if you want to show that you
are agitated about something. But dont overdo it!
By correcting your hand gestures during a conversation, you
can expect the following to happen:
1. People will be more open to your ideas.
2. Resistance to your ideas will be reduced.
3. You will actively contribute to a more relaxed and
productive environment.
4. People will look at you as a credible speaker.
5. People will appreciate the way you talk to people.

59

Unspoken Power

What should you do if you want to appear authoritative


when you are talking?
A good option if you want to appear authoritative (without
incurring the ire of your audience) is to simply squeeze your
index finger with your thumb. When you do this, all your
other fingers are loosely closed and only your thumb and
index finger are firm.
People who see this gesture think that they should listen to
the speaker because he exudes confidence and authority
the good kind. The gesture is somewhat authoritarian in
nature but it does not compare at all to the pointed finger.

60

Unspoken Power

Handshakes Demystified
We have touched upon handshakes earlier in the book but
now it is time to get a more in-depth look at this essential
gesture. First of all, handshakes are not a modern invention.
Tribes of olden times used it. The Romans used it. The
Greeks used it. We use it today.
Simply put: the handshake has been there for as long as the
human race remembers.
Since this gesture is not going away any time soon, we need
to make sure that you understand the various nuances of
this hand-pumping gesture. Back in the day, the Romans
clasped the forearm whenever they wanted to greet
someone.
There was a practical use for this somewhat odd gesture:
people routinely checked if the other person was hiding a
dagger or blade on his forearm. A single strong shake can
help a person determine whether or not the other person is
armed or not.
When the aristocracy rose and trade was booming, the
handshake was transformed into a gesture that sealed
business transactions. People shook hands when an
agreement has been reached and goods/money was about
to be traded between two or more people.

61

Unspoken Power

Some centuries ago, it was generally agreed that the


handshake belonged to the male domain. But as the
centuries wore on and cultural norms evolved, handshaking
became part of the female domain as well. When this shift
happened, everyone could shake hands whenever they
wanted!
In modern times, the handshake is performed in the
following conditions:
1. When you meet someone new
2. When you want to greet someone who has just arrived
3. When someone is about leave, as a way of saying
farewell
4. When you need to greet several new individuals at a
social gathering
You may be wondering: what about countries that are not
descended from Western civilization? What about the other
half of the world the East?
Im happy to report that although countries like Japan
traditionally use different hand gestures and body
movements to greet other people, foreigners can safely use
the handshake when greeting and saying goodbye. This
simply means that when you use the handshake elsewhere,
you will not be committing any cultural faux pas at all.

62

Unspoken Power

Who Initiates the Shake?


In a perfect world with no social class, roles and hierarchies,
we can all shake hands without fearing any repercussions.
But we live in a not-so-ideal world and so we have to deal
with all of these extraneous circumstances before we decide
to shake hands.
Before you even shake hands with another person, consider
first the following questions:
1. Are you really welcome in the place where you would
be shaking hands?
2. Is the other person truly willing to shake hands with
you or is he in a position that he cannot refuse to shake
your hands?
3. Is it proper for me to shake hands first with this
person, considering his position and stature?

63

Unspoken Power

Power and the Handshake


Handshakes are used to greet and bid people farewell so
they are by nature friendly Right? Wrong. By nature,
handshakes were meant to transmit a persons stature and
positionality within a given context or situation. Although
handshakes are still considered friendly (generally), it
doesnt mean that handshakes are always equalizing.
Three types of messages can be transmitted through a
handshake:
1. Superiority or dominance
2. Submission to the other person
3. Equality among peers
When a person gives a dominant handshake, the other
person will choose to be cautious because you are openly
showing authority or power. A powerful handshake will bring
people into the defensive.
The submissive handshake on the other hand, will give the
impression that you are of weak character and you can be
dominated easily by other people. The third handshake
(equalizing handshake) gives the other person a reason to
trust you because you are neither weak nor strong but an
equal nevertheless.

64

Unspoken Power

Dominance

The dominating handshake


A dominant handshake is characterized by the lead hand
facing down on the other hand. You must come in from the
left if you want to quickly establish a dominant handshake.
Firmly clasp the other persons hand and shake. By shaking
hands first and by placing your hand directly above the
other persons open palm, you are communicating
dominance and authority. You are also communicating that
it is your desire to take over the dialog, meeting, etc.
According to an independent research of over three hundred
established executives in the United States, eighty-three
percent of people who have a high position within a
company or business choose to shake hands this way. As for
the female respondents, thirty one percent still choose the
dominant handshake even if the handshake itself projects
masculinity.

65

Unspoken Power

In the same study, the researchers also discovered that


although the dominant handshake was preferred by some
women, a significant percentage of the female respondents
chose not to appear dominant.
This was done to preserve the projection of femininity, which
is traditionally associated with submissiveness. If the
handshake was done in a friendlier setting (i.e. a club or
bar), a softer handshake may have been appropriate since
men are generally attracted to feminine women (because
there are decidedly more dominant women who exhibit
some masculine traits).
However, it should be noted that if you are a woman and
you want to succeed in something that is business-related,
you must use the dominant handshake because it equalizes
the playing field for you.
It is not good at all to show people that you can be
dominated in a business setting. You must always show that
you are just as strong (or stronger) so people will take your
words and ideas seriously.
Credibility is also highlighted by women who purposefully
avoid clothing that implies that they are simply feminine
women. For example, a woman who wishes to sell a big idea
to a group of people would most likely fail to impress the
bosses if she comes to a meeting in a very skimpy red skirt
with matching glittery heels.

66

Unspoken Power

In a completely different study from researchers from the


University of Alabama, researchers discovered that the
dominant handshake was common in people who are
generally extroverted (extroverts) while introverted and
neurotic individuals (introverts) are more likely to show a
more submissive handshake.
Rule of Thumb: Women should appear more dominant
in business settings.

67

Unspoken Power

Submissiveness

The handshake of submission


To the untrained eye, the dominant handshake and the
submissive variation may look the same. But in reality, there
is a world of difference between the two. With dominant
handshake, the authoritative person reaches out first, which
forces the other person to open his palm to receive the other
hand.
The palms, which in ancient times is used to hold, use and
conceal weapons, is considered a vulnerable body part
when it comes to shaking hands. Thats why a person who
routinely just receives handshakes from people is more
likely to be dominated by stronger personalities.

68

Unspoken Power

The submissive handshake allows the other person to clasp


and shake the hand firmly. You can say that the hand on the
left is submissive because most of the movement is coming
from the right.
As we have discussed earlier, it is not enough for a person
to base his analysis on the handshake alone. A submissive
handshake does not automatically mean that the other
person is truly submissive.
For example, a person who inflamed joints (gout) will rarely
shake hands first because such individuals usually have sore
finger joints. People who use their hands to earn a living
would also avoid any hard hand-shaking for fear of
damaging their most valuable tool.

69

Unspoken Power

Equal Power

The strong, equalizing handshake


And then there is the handshake of equal power. People of
stature and individuals who have authority usually end up
using an equalizing handshake. An equalizing handshake
happens when both individuals try to dominate each other
through the handshake. When two people try to perform the
dominant handshake, the equalizing handshake manifests.
The equalizing handshake can be described as rigid and
strong, because both individuals are trying to gain the upper
hand. This handshake also tight, for the same reason.
When an equalizing handshake is made, both individuals
become at ease with each other. Respect is immediately
established because each would feel that the other is of
equal stature and therefore, deserves mutual respect.

70

Unspoken Power

Strategies for Handshakes


Reading handshakes is easy enough but what if you find
yourself in a situation that you would need to shake hands
yourself? What would you do?
Body language mastery requires not only fervent practice
through regular observation but also practical application of
what youve learned so far. So if you can now tell a
dominant handshake from a handshake that implies
submissiveness, what can you do now to provide a benefit to
yourself in social situations?
And so I came up with this special section that covers
various strategies that you can use to achieve specific goals.
Establishing Rapport with Other People

Establish rapport with an equalizing handshake

71

Unspoken Power

Rapport in simple terms is putting people at ease so that


mutual trust can be established immediately. The easiest
way to establish rapport is through mirroring. Mirroring can
be done through a handshake by matching the strength of
the other persons handshake.
If the other person has a strong grip, you can compensate
by increase your grip force as well. Theres nothing wrong
with increasing the force of your grip because you are simply
matching the other persons handshake. It is also important
to keep your hand as vertical as possible so that your hand
will not end up under or on top of the other persons hand.
In a rapport handshake, there is no dominant or submissive
person there is only a union of equals. If you have to
shake hands with different people, you have to quickly
measure the intensity/strength of different handshakes and
adjust your handshake accordingly.
If you are a man, be extra careful when shaking the hand of
the ladies. Anatomically speaking, mens arms and hands
were built for strength. An average man can exert a
maximum grip force that can reach up to one hundred
pounds if he needs to apply force. You would not want to
exert such force on a womans soft and fragile hands.
The key here is to immediately measure the other persons
grip strength by using a scale of one to ten. If your
handshake has an average strength of eight and the other
person has a handshake strength of four, you must reduce
your handshake strength a few points to match the other
persons handshake.

72

Unspoken Power

Defusing Power Play

Dont let power players win over you


If everyone liked the idea of equality among men, power
plays would not occur at all. Unfortunately, power plays do
happen and sometimes, it is hard to ignore when a person is
consciously (or unconsciously) trying to put down other
people even through handshakes.
The most common sign that another person was trying to
dominate you through a handshake is the palm-down
handshake. I know the palm down handshake sounds
rude, to begin with! It can be very rude indeed but some
men like using it.
Usually, a power player comes in very quickly, thrusting out
his hand. The hand can either be offered with palm
completely facing the floor or the hand can be slightly facing
the side.

73

Unspoken Power

The key characteristic of the palm down handshake is that


angle of the palm is so awkward that the other person
cannot possibly establish an equalizing handshake or
dominant handshake without getting the attention of the
power player or other people.
So if you meet someone who thrusts out a hand with palm
facing downward, what can you do? Follow these steps:
1. If the person is shaking with his right hand, move your
left leg close to the other person.
2. As your leg invades the power players personal space,
thrust forward your right hand and clasp the palmdown hand.
3. Establish a dominant or equalizing handshake as you
move your right leg forward. The right leg becomes the
lead leg.
A little explanation about the three steps: when you invade
another persons personal space, any trusted hand
automatically becomes weaker because the other person
would be taken aback and instinctually, a rigid arm becomes
less rigid as the other person becomes alert for any sudden
movements.
When you move your leg toward the person, you invade his
personal space and you are given an opportunity to reverse
the roles. Instead of being the victim of the power play, you
become the dominant individual because you suddenly gain
the upper hand.

74

Unspoken Power

By moving your body in this manner, you are actually


mimicking an arm wrestling competition and the errant
power player loses because you were able to think quickly.
The three steps should be done in succession, within a
matter of seconds so the power player would not have any
time to react at all. Once you have a firm clasp on the power
players hand, perform the handshake and release his hand.
Master reader 1, power player zero.

The double handshake also defuses a power player


Now another technique that you can use to defuse a power
players palm-down handshake is by using both hands to
shake the other persons hand. To do this handshake, simply
grasp the power players hand and then proceed to cover
the hand with your other hand as you shake.

75

Unspoken Power

There is an instant effect when you do this. Instead of


showing you that hes the boss, you are showing him that
you have twice the authority because you can easily cover
his palm-down hand when you perform a handshake.
There are times when a person just doesnt know when to
quit a bad habit. If you are about to shake the hand of a
person who is known for his power plays, your very last
option is the wrist clasp handshake.
Simply grab the top of the other persons wrist and shake
his hand quickly before letting go. As you shake the other
persons hand, note that you have to straighten the hand
otherwise you will be forced into an awkward position as you
perform the handshake.
This will send a massive shockwave through the power
players system and he will most likely be stunned once the
handshake has been carried. Dont do this handshake if you
are shaking the hand of your boss or someone who has a
higher position than you.
Rule of Thumb: The best way to create a powerful
handshake that would put you at a dominant or at
least equal position with the other person is to offer
your right hand first. Approaching from the left is also
a good idea.

76

Unspoken Power

Important Note: Handshakes are important when meeting


new people. Impressions of people are formed within the
first four to five seconds and usually these first impressions
become lasting impressions especially if the other person
wont be able to see you often.
When you shake hands often and your hands are usually
sweaty, do yourself a favor and carry around a handkerchief
so you can wipe your shaking hand dry. No one likes the
idea of shaking hands with a person with cold, sweaty
hands. That can really ruin your chances of making a good
first impression.
Exploring the Double-Handed Handshake
The double-handed handshake can disarm a power player
because it is much more powerful than the palm-down
handshake. This handshake is most often used in
organizations and companies where people need to establish
their rank or position early on when dealing with different
people.
When initiated, a complete double-handed handshake is
performed in this manner:
1. Eye contact is first established by the initiator.
2. The initiator clasps the other persons hand firmly.
3. The initiator then places his other hand on top of the
other persons hand.
4. The handshake commences as the initiator says the
other persons name.

77

Unspoken Power

5. A generic salutation/question is given (i.e. How are


you doing?)
There is a lot more physical contact when a double-handed
handshake is given, compared to a regular handshake.
People of stature and genuine authority use this handshake
to get peoples trust and confidence instantly. When this
type of handshake is given, the initiator is actually saying
that he should be trusted because he is open and sincere.
While this might sound great to someone who wants to
appear as credible and trustworthy as possible whenever he
meets new people, I should you warn you early on that the
double-handed handshake can actually backfire on you if
you dont use it carefully.
Since this handshake requires a lot more contact than your
usual handshake, people you barely know might take the
handshake negatively. People might become suspicious of
your actual intentions. A person who is virtually a stranger
might ask himself: what is this other person up to?
So when can a person safely perform the double-handed
handshake if he has positive intentions?
You can do this handshake safely if and only if you are at a
social gathering where hugging is also common. For
example, if you were invited to a class reunion and you see
old classmates, you can probably use this handshake
without appearing suspicious or overbearing.

78

Unspoken Power

Power Struggle

Power struggles are waged every single day through


the handshake
The double-handed handshake that we have just discussed
is generally used to create an instant physical connection
between two people. If you want a word to describe the
goal, try intimacy. Thats right intimacy can be forged
through a handshake if the handshake is initiated properly.
Like other gestures in the large corpus of body language, the
double handshake can be appropriated endlessly, depending
on the goal.
While it is true that the double-handed handshake can be
used to create a feeling of warmth and connection between
two people, it can also be used to dominate and subordinate
other people.

79

Unspoken Power

When one person tries to dominate the other through body


language, a power struggle ensues. And one of the easiest
ways to do that is through the different variations of the
double-handed handshake:
1. The
2. The
3. The
4. The

wrist-hold handshake
elbow-grasp handshake
upper-arm grip handshake
shoulder-hold handshake

If you want to convey more control, the wrist-hold


handshake can be used safely even when you are meeting
someone for the first time. We should all remember that the
double-handed handshake is actually a slight intrusion into
another persons personal space.
By extending the other hand to clasp another part of the
persons arm or hand, you are actually slightly pushing the
boundaries by entering the other persons private space.
Since people only offer their hands when they shake hands
with other people, going beyond the hand automatically
means you are entering a private space already.
As such, the elbow-grasp handshake, shoulder-hold
handshake and the upper-arm handshake should only be
done if the other person really knows you and you are close
to this person. Otherwise, you run the risk of annoying or
potentially offending the other person when you do this.
Rule of Thumb: Dont use a double-handed handshake
if you have absolutely no connection to the person in
front of you.

80

Unspoken Power

Ten Handshakes You Should Avoid At All Cost


Some handshakes are worse than others. Welcome to the
part of the book where we examine the handshakes that
never contribute to a persons credibility. First impressions
last, and these handshakes create a lasting negative
impression on people.
The Clammy Handshake (10% Credibility)

The limp, clammy handshake never impresses


As we have mentioned before, no one likes the idea of
shaking hands with a person who seems to have just
finished washing the dishes. Sweat is a big turn down in the
world of social graces and the handshake is too essential to
be ruined by sweat.
A sweaty palm does not only appear unhygienic but it also
signals something much worse: that the person with the
clammy handshake has weak character. If you want to
exude confidence, your handshake has to communicate that
as well.

81

Unspoken Power

Important Note: the Clammy Handshake is considered


disagreeable in most Western countries like the USA,
Canada, etc. However, in some countries in Asia, a firm grip
during a handshake is generally avoided because it can
actually offend people.
So the best strategy when you are in a foreign country is to
simply match the grip strength of the other person. Also,
carry a handkerchief that you can use to wipe away sweat
from your palms when you know full well that you are going
to shake hands with important people.
The Tight Handshake (40% Credibility)

A little too tight?


The tight handshake is usually done by two types of people:
power players and people with low self-confidence. People
with low self-confidence usually shake hands in this manner
because they are often afraid that the other person might
become too dominant.

82

Unspoken Power

The tight handshake is performed in this manner:


1. The initiator offers a palm-down hand
2. He takes the other hand and makes a downward pump
once
3. Three strong pumps are given before the initiator lets
go of the other hand
The Wrench Handshake (0% Credibility)

Who would want to shake hands with a wrench?


Handshakes are meant to transmit confidence and credibility
not pain. People who routinely use the Wrench Handshake
should not be surprised that their handshake can actually
draw blood if the other person has a ring on.
The Wrench Handshake is the choice weapon of the blindly
aggressive individual who wants nothing more than to
appear on top of things wherever he is.

83

Unspoken Power

Unfortunately, this kind of handshake only causes shock and


people who have had the misfortune of having to endure this
type of handshake will only have a negative impression of
the initiator.
People who like the Wrench Handshake will usually grab the
other persons hand without warning and grip it so tightly
during the hand pump movement that the other person will
have no chance at all to control the handshake.
If youre a woman and you are about to meet a lot of
businessmen, I suggest that you take off any ring that you
might have on before shaking hands. You never know when
an errant bone-crusher might come along to ruin your day
with a senseless and awful handshake.
Since it would be quite difficult to control a sudden Wrench
Handshake from someone you barely (or dont) know, the
one thing that you can do to is to respond to the bonecrushing grip with a statement like That actually hurt. You
have an awfully strong grip.
Such statements are not on the offensive but it is strong
enough to catch the attention of the errant hand-shaker.
Your statement will serve as a warning so he will not repeat
the awful handshake.

84

Unspoken Power

The Finger-Grab Handshake (20% Credibility)

The finger-grab handshake usually happens when a man is


introduced to a woman or vice versa. What happens is either
one of the two parties involved makes a miscalculation when
the handshake is imitated. When the miscalculation takes
place, one party commits the error of grabbing the other
partys fingertips instead of the palm/whole hand.
A limp and weird handshake results from all the fingergrabbing that takes place. Why does this handshake occur?
Apart from the miscalculation of the distance, there are two
other possible reasons why this type of handshake takes
place:
1. The initiator of the handshake has low self-confidence
2. The initiator has a much bigger personal space
allowance than the recipient
If Person A has a personal space allowance of just two feet
while Person B has a personal space allowance of three feet,
the two hands will fail to connect properly.

85

Unspoken Power

If this happens to you, heres what you can do:


1. Step closer to the other person.
2. Gently hold the outstretched hand with your opposite
hand and place it on your shaking hand.
3. Say Lets try this again!. Make sure that you do it
with a positive tone of voice and a quick smile.
4. Pump the other persons hand.
This act shows the other person that he is equally important
as you and you are equals. There is no need for any power
play at all if you receive this kind of handshake.
To create a lasting positive impression on the other person
you have to show him/her that you consider him/her as an
equal and not a subordinate.

86

Unspoken Power

The Push-Back Handshake (30% Credibility)


The Push-Back Handshake can be commonly seen when
politicians and world leaders appear on television and they
want to appear that they are happy to see each other (even
if in reality, they really dont). The Push-Back Handshake is
a poor handshake because there is unnecessary movement
and force involved.
Whenever there is unnecessary force involved, the credibility
projected by a handshake is reduced significantly because
the balance of power between the two parties involved is
disturbed.
The Push-Back Handshake is performed this way:
1. One party holds out his hand to be shaken.
2. The errant shaker grabs the hand firmly and pushes
back.
3. The outstretch forearm is pushed back and the elbow
bends.
4. The errant shakers arm remains straight during the
hand pump movement.
Why do people do this? The most common reason is some
people need more personal space than others. When PushBack Handshake is performed, the errant shaker is telling
the other person to back off, because he feels that his
personal space is being encroached.

87

Unspoken Power

The Pull-In Handshake (30% Credibility)


The direct opposite of the Push-Back Handshake is the PullIn Handshake. The Pull-In Handshake is more popular than
the Push-Back Handshake because it produces a more
intimidating (and therefore more sinister) effect.
When a person gets pulled in by another person during a
handshake he is taken away from his comfort zone/personal
space and he is forced into the private territory of the power
player. Once this happens, the other person is symbolically
dominated by the power player.
Here are some other reasons why some people choose to
use the Pull-In Handshake:
1. The person performing the Pull-In Handshake has selfconfidence issues and he does not feel comfortable
reaching out to another person during a handshake.
2. The person comes from a local or foreign culture that
requires a very small personal space during
handshakes.
3. The person likes it when the other person seems offbalance. This is another way of dominating another
person during handshakes.

88

Unspoken Power

The Overzealous Handshake (40% Credibility)


Anything, if done in excess, can cause malaise. The same
holds true for handshakes. The Overzealous Handshake
reduces a persons projected credibility because it forces
longer physical contact than necessary.
When a person performs the Overzealous Handshake, he
continuously pumps the other persons hand (there may
even be a rhythm in the pumping motion) as if he was trying
to draw out water from a manual water pump.
Sometimes an overzealous shaker will cease from
continuously (and rhythmically) pumping the other persons
hand; however, he may choose to hold the other persons
hand after the handshake. Again, this prolonged contact is
bad because it weakens the other partys motivation to pull
away from the strange handshake.
The Bunch of Carrots (20% Credibility)
As you can imagine, the Bunch of Carrots handshake is a bit
like being handed some dried and heavy vegetables. The
shakers hands may not be sweaty or clammy, but the hand
is sluggish during the handshake and the other persons will
seem lazy or uninterested during the handshake as well.

89

Unspoken Power

SPECIAL: The Clash of the Titans Handshake


Pardon the somewhat dramatic title for this handshake, but
it really does seem that two titans are actually fighting when
this handshake combination is carried out.
The Clash of the Titans handshake is performed when one
person uses a Pull-In Handshake while the other person
resists the movement by performing a Push-Back
Handshake.
Both parties will not move from their own personal spaces
and each will try to outdo each other. What results is a
somewhat strained position for both people.
The person on the left would most likely be using a pushing
motion while the other one will be using a pulling motion to
force the person on the left out of his comfort zone. If you
see this kind of handshake, it is possible that there is some
degree of animosity between the two individuals performing
this very aggressive handshake.

90

Unspoken Power

Exploring Hand Gestures


Few other groups of gestures can compare to the power of
hand gestures. According to scientists there are more nerve
connections to the brain on the hands than any other body
part. The hands are so essential to human survival that the
body made sure that there would always be adequate
communication between the brain and the hands.
Earlier in this part of the book we delved into handshakes. It
is now time to move on the significance of other body
language signals that are expressed through the hands.
How much can you learn from observing just a persons
hands? Plenty if you ask me. For example, did you know
that you can see easily see a persons bias by watching how
he moves his hands up and down during the course of a
discussion? Thats right just watch how a guy or girl
discusses ideas. The bias is revealed in the gesticulation.
It is estimated that 90% of the world population is right
handed. So if a person is right handed, his stronger side is
the right side. A right handed person who has a personal
preference for something will describe that something and
emphasize his points by moving his right hand during the
discussion.
When a right handed person wants to shed light on opposing
views or not-so-desirable options, he will use the opposite
hand, which is essentially is weaker hand. Inversely, a left
handed person will use his left hand to describe something
he likes and he will shift to his right hand if he has to talk
about something that he doesnt like.

91

Unspoken Power

Its pretty simple but this little secret is brutally effective


in determining if the other person is being sincere when he
says that he fully agrees with what you are saying.
For example, if the other person says that he likes your
project ideas but he enumerates the benefits of your ideas
with his left hand (if he is a right-handed person) you can be
sure that there is really some degree of resistance and the
other person is simply pretending to agree with what you
are saying.
Hand-Rubbing

Remember when we were little kids and we would rub our


palms in excitement when we hear that we are about to get
something that we really like? Well, this gesture usually
does not disappear in adulthood.

92

Unspoken Power

The frequency of usage is reduced of course, but adults are


just as prone to excitement as kids (or even more so, in
some cases). So there you have it if you see someone
rubbing their palms together, then that person is expecting
something really nice to happen.
Some of you might be wondering: how can this tidbit be
useful anyway? Let me give you some examples.
Lets say you walked into a swanky new restaurant. The
waiter who is assigned to your table is very attentive and he
seems very pleased to serve your table. Then at one point
he rubs his palms together as he asks you if you want
anything else. There it is!
There is positive expectation and in the context that I gave
you, the waiter is probably expecting a nice tip from you.
Now lets say you are a speaker at a big conference in the
city. The host of the conference stands up and starts rubbing
his hands as he introduces you to the crowd. The handrubbing is there for only a few seconds, but you were
inquisitive and observant enough to catch it. What does it
mean?
Obviously, the host of the conference is excited to have you
on board as a speaker. Second, the host is probably
communicating to you that everyone is expecting a
dynamite performance from you and that you shouldnt
disappoint them with something plain and boring.

93

Unspoken Power

The speed at which a person is rubbing his hands is also an


indicator of intent. Heres a good example. Lets say you
were looking for a brand new car. The salesman (who
appears to be very knowledgeable) guides you through the
whole showroom and presents the most popular cars.
If you ask the car salesman about the best car for your
budget, watch out if he rubs his hands. If he rubs his hands
quickly, then you are in the clear. A quick hand-rub means
the other person has positive intentions and that the benefit
of the action will be for you.
However, if the other person is slowly rubbing his hands as
he presents something to you, you can be sure that he will
be receiving a benefit as well.

94

Unspoken Power

Clenching the Hands Together

Like the palm-rub, clenching both hands during a


conversation also has its own signification. Generally, a
person who is clenching his hands even if the rest of his
gestures or expression is extremely confident is usually
experiencing some form of anxiety or fear.
This gesture can also be viewed as a barrier gesture the
person is trying to hold in some of his thoughts and
emotions as he is talking with another person or a whole
group of people. This gesture can also be analyzed as a way
to disagree with another persons ideas.
The clenched hand gesture does not produce any positive
connotations whatsoever. When a person does this, its
always negative. So if you are talking to an important
person, dont clench your hands because its very defensive
and quite frankly it doesnt really add anything good to your
own effort to project a credible and confident person.

95

Unspoken Power

What other things does the clenched hand reveal about


people? Here are some quick tidbits:
1. The clenched hand gesture shows frustration,
particularly when a person is forced to deal with a very
difficult negotiation.
Stalemates can produce white knuckles after having
been clenched for far too long. Restraint does come
with a price because during negotiations, the last
thing that you want to show is you are about to fly off
the handle.
2. This gesture also reveals that the person himself is
thinking that he is not credible enough or convincing
enough during the conversation.
Take note that by conversation I refer to any face to
face social interaction that requires literal proximity
(not
video
conferences,
etc.)
Face-to-face
conversations can have a bigger impact on a person
and his deeply-rooted anxieties can emerge when he
feels that he is not on the winning side anymore.
3. The clenched hand gesture can be done in three ways.
The person can hold his hand near his face (method #
1) or he can place his clenched hands flat on the table
(method # 2).
And then theres the last option, which is to place the
clenched hands near the zipper area (method # 3).
Regardless of the positioning of the clenched hands,
the signification of the gesture remains the same.

96

Unspoken Power

Projecting Power

The basic steeple gesture


If the clenched hands gesture shows the other person that
you are anxious about something, the steeple gesture shows
the direct opposite.
It shows that you are very confident about what you are
saying and what you are doing and because of this, you are
a force to be reckoned with. It has been observed that the
steeple gesture is used most frequently by thinkers (i.e.
master chess players) and natural power players (i.e.
administrators, managers, business folk, etc.).
This gesture is usually performed when a person has to give
directions or orders to someone else. The steeple signifies
not only self-confidence but superiority over others.

97

Unspoken Power

Should you use the steeple gesture, at all? You can use it if
you are in the presence of people who are formally below
you in terms of formal hierarchy.
For example, if you are an office administrator and you are
holding a meeting, you can use this gesture sparingly to
remind others that you are indeed a boss and your ideas and
recommendations should be considered.
On the other hand, if you want to convince someone dont
use this gesture because you will come across as arrogant in
some instances.
If you have to persuade someone, the best way to go about
it is to create an equalizing atmosphere so that the other
person will respect you and at the same time, will consider
you as an equal.
The steeple is a key gesture during negotiations or
presentations. People usually perform the steeple toward the
end of a negotiation. However, it is just a main hook for the
cluster of gestures that would follow.
People never stick to a single gesture because they need to
express themselves completely, too. So heres the
technique: when the other person starts using the steeple
gesture, check the other gestures in the cluster.
If the other gestures are positive then the only thing left to
do is to formally ask the other person for permission to carry
out the idea, get the product, etc. Positive body language
after the steeple gesture means the other person was indeed
persuaded.

98

Unspoken Power

Negative body language after a steeple gesture on the other


hand means the other person is not interested in what you
have said and he doesnt want to say yes at all.
So if you are offering an idea to your boss and he begins to
steeple and he begins to cross his arms, too, then you can
be sure that hes not impressed with what you have said so
far. Respond to the body language adequately and you will
most likely get the results that you want.
Attracting a Males Attention

Have you ever seen a woman or a gay man place his chin on
top of his two folded hands? This is called the face platter
gesture and this gesture means that the other person is
actually interested in you and any flattery or admiration
from your end is welcome.

99

Unspoken Power

Hands-Behind-the-Back Gestures
Usually, a person will exhibit generally defensive body
language in the face of an audience.
But not everyone feels vulnerable in fact, some people
exhibit markedly different body language when they have to
deal with other people. For example, when a person holds
his hands behind his back, he is actually projecting power
and fearlessness.
He is exposing his vital organs and even his throat as he
places his only barrier behind his back. The law of cause and
effect comes into the picture whenever a person performs
any kind of body language.
If your body language is assertive and confident, it usually
follows that you will actually feel confident by just using a
specific kind of body language.
A slight variation in the hands-behind-the-back gesture
signifies the direct opposite. If two hands are firmly held
together at the back, this signifies power and confidence.
However, if one hand holds on to the opposite forearm, this
actually means that the person is experiencing frustration at
the moment. This gesture also means restraint. One hand is
holding on firmly to the other hand as if it were preventing
the person from carrying out a fatal blow.
The height of the restraining hand directly reflects the level
of frustration that is felt by the person who is performing the
gesture. If the restraining hand is near the wrist, then we

100

Unspoken Power

can safely assume that the other person is experiencing only


a little frustration.
As it goes up (toward the elbow) the more frustrated a
person becomes. Be careful of people who habitually grab
the space directly below their elbow. These folks are easily
agitated and frustrated and it would be best if you spoke to
such individuals when they arent feeling so agitated.
Now, if you find yourself doing the same gesture (arm
grabbing behind the back), simply stop. There is no need to
show that you are frustrated or nervous so switch to a
more confident gesture. Hold your hands behind your back
and smile, and watch how this body language changes the
way you feel and think automatically.

101

Unspoken Power

Thumb Signs

Never underestimate the power of the thumb(s)


The thumbs are easily seen from almost any angle and
therefore, people have learned how to use the thumbs to
express what they think and feel, too.
Thumb signs or thumb gestures are never stand-alone
gestures (compared to say, an arm barrier gesture) and
should be read alongside other gestures in a cluster. Thumb
gestures are usually used to exude confidence, which is why
people of low stature rarely use these gestures.
1. The first thumb sign on our list is the protruding thumb
gesture. When a person places his hands inside his coat
pocket and the thumbs remain outside, hooked to the
outer seam of the coat pocket, this means that the
person knows that he is superior to other person. This
gesture also shows the natural ability of a person to
take control of his situation and his surroundings.
2. The second thumb sign is when a person puts his hands
inside his back pockets and the thumbs remain
protruded outside of the pocket. This gesture reflects

102

Unspoken Power

that the person thinks negatively of the situation or the


other person but he still feels confident, nonetheless.
People performing this gesture will most likely rock
slightly back and forth, using the heels.
3. The third gesture is pointing with the thumb. When a
person does this, he is consciously ridiculing the person
that he is pointing at with his thumb.
Pointing with the thumb never produces desired results
so just avoid it. Males are known for using this gesture
a lot. Women also use it, but to a far lesser extent.
Another disastrous gesture is the arm-barrier coupled
with pointed thumbs. This gesture shows that you are
not willing to listen to the other person but you still
think that you are far superior to the other person.

103

Unspoken Power

Part 3: Smiling

Genuine or not?
While the handshake is powerful when you are greeting
someone or saying your farewell to someone, the smile and
the laugh can be used almost in any situation.
These two human expressions can be used for a variety of
reasons. This part of the book deals with some of the
important points you need to know about smiling and
laughter if you want to read people effectively.

104

Unspoken Power

Lets start with the smile. Smiling is so simple and essential


to a person that it doesnt have to be taught by anyone. In
fact, there are many studies that show that even fetuses
(infants who are still in the womb) smile and some even
laugh while they are still suspended in amniotic fluid!
The Smiling Muscles
Smiling is possible through the combined effort of two
groups of muscles: the zygomatic muscles and the
orbicularis oculi.
The zygomatic muscles are simply the muscles that are
present on the side of the face. The orbicularis oculi on the
other hand, is responsible for moving the area near the
eyes. When activated, the orbicularis oculi pulls back the
small area near the eyes as a person genuinely smiles at
something.
When a person smiles sincerely and genuinely, his eyes and
mouth smile together.
And heres the secret that separates fake smiles from real
ones: the zygomatic muscles (the muscles responsible for
controlling the mouth during a smile) are controlled
consciously while the orbicularis oculi are not consciously
controlled. You cant pull back your own eyes during a smile
if its not sincere.

105

Unspoken Power

Telling a Genuine From a Fake


People who routinely fake their smiles have to consciously
move their mouths so a smile is produced.
However, the rest of the face will not follow suit because
there is no real emotion or sentiment behind the smile.
There is mental motivation, but if the emotion is not
present, the brain will have no reason to send out the
signals that will produce the desired smile.
The easiest indicator if a smile is genuine is to check the
sides of the eyes. Are there small wrinkles there? If there
are small, soft wrinkles near the eyes then the smile is
genuine.
But dont be fooled some people who habitually fake their
smiles can also create wrinkles near the eyes, but only
because their faces have been scrunched so tightly that the
skin near the eyes have to fold slightly to accommodate the
movement of the zygomatic muscles.
According to a code system developed by researchers from
the University of California, a genuine smile has the
following characteristics:
1. Mouth muscles are in a smiling orientation
2. Cheeks move up
3. Creases form near the eyes
4. Eyebrows move downward a notch

106

Unspoken Power

If all four traits are present in a smile then you can be a


100% sure that the other person is being sincere when he
smiles at you. But if only the mouth is smiling and the rest
of the face is stoic and unmoving, then the other person is
probably faking it.
Sadly, not everyone is a master reader and not everyone
can spot a genuine smile from a fake or insincere smile.
Most people would be happy that a stranger or colleague
took the time to drop a small smile. We are so hardwired to
accept smiling that we fail to become critical of this
important facial expression.
As a body language reader, you need to learn how to
analyze smiles as well. Smiles should also be read along
with other gestures and expressions in a cluster and the
context of the smile should also be taken into account.
Because smiling can easily defuse a tight or tension-filled
situation, most people think that conscious smiling in some
situations can mean that the other person might be
deliberately doing it so he can get away with something.
An important issue arises: do people smile more when they
are about to tell a lie?
Remarkably, research regarding this particular issue states
that people tend to smile less when they are telling lies.
People probably avoid smiling when they are saying
something false because there is already a common belief
that liars like to smile when they are about con or swindle
someone.

107

Unspoken Power

This doesnt mean that pathological liars dont use the


smiling tactic. Here are some general rules of thumb when
it comes to smiling liars:
1. A liar would smile even before the lie is given. Smiles
are almost spontaneous or automatic.
2. A liar would hold his fake smile for a longer period
compared to a genuine smile. A liar can choose to smile
for minutes if he feels that it would help his deceptive
cause.
3. Since liars have to consciously smile to appear sincere
to people, they have to exert extra effort to make their
smiles look genuine. This extra effort usually results in
a slightly lopsided smile.
The smile becomes imbalanced because the left part of
the face will be slightly more pronounced than the right
side of the face.
This is due to the fact that the part of the brain that
controls smiling are located on the right side of the
brain and this region sends out a stronger signal to the
left side of the body.

108

Unspoken Power

The Nature of Smiles

Primates and humans share more than just opposable


thumbs
Humans and primates share a lot of genetic material; in
fact, if nature had played a trick on the human race, there
would be two complex and thinking primate species walking
this Earth right now. Fortunately for us, gorillas and other
primates have yet to evolve to our own state, which is
capable of invention, creativity and critical thinking.
Be that as it may, humans and primates still have a lot in
common especially when it comes to body language. If
you observe primates, you can probably tell whats
happening in a group just by observing the primates body
language. There is sneering, laughter, jeering, etc.
Why do humans smile, anyway? At the core of this facial
expression is an instinctual message that wed like to
communicate to another person or to a group of people
that you are not a threatening being.

109

Unspoken Power

When a person smiles, it is actually a form of submission to


the other person. Its not exactly a show of weakness, but
smiling really breaks down tension precisely because it acts
like an equalizing gesture that flattens any symbolic
hierarchy or rank between individuals.
When a person smiles, he is also communicating the fact
that he does not wish to be treated as an authority but
rather, as part of the group. When a person is accepted into
a group through his body language, resistance is reduced
to a certain level.
This is the reason why authoritarians and dictators rarely
smile. Smiling to these power players is a sign of weakness
and the last thing that they want to show people is that they
are submissive to anyone.
Despite this peculiarity regarding the smile, the smile is an
excellent way to disintegrate tension (if there is any
between you and another person) and it also helps facilitate
the interaction of two people who are not yet on very good
terms. When someone is smiling, its difficult to look
annoyed or angry and this brings us to our next point.

110

Unspoken Power

When One Person Smiles, Everyone Follows Suit


Smiling can be a politicians most powerful tool because as
he delivers something to the media or to a group of people,
the affirmative reception of that message can be achieved
by smiling as the message is given. When a person smiles,
everyone follows suit and its hard to think of negative
thoughts when you are smiling, right?
Even when a person is giving an insincere smile, the
recipient of the fake smile will probably shoot back a smile
too, even if the return smile isnt genuine.
But let me ask you right now why do people tend to smile
back at smiling individuals? Is it cultural? Or is this response
actually hardwired to people?
The answer it appears is the latter: we are hardwired to
smile back.
According to researchers, the human brain has special
neurons (or cells) that allow a person to reach almost
instantaneously to gestures like smiling. What does this
mean? Well, it simply means that humans have the ability to
copy without really trying.
Copying or mimicking is actually an important trait that
allows humans to learn and think in different ways. This
probably why humans have well-developed mirroring brain
cells.

111

Unspoken Power

If a gesture is non-threatening in the first place, why not


mirror it and see what happens? That is perhaps the logical
reason why mirroring neurons are there in the first place.
Can smiling actually be good for sales people, marketers or
anybody who has to routinely offer services, products or
even ideas to other people, face to face? Current research
shows that yes, smiling strategically when you are offering
something is a good way to increase the chances of success.
Smiling can also be used when you are negotiating.
Researchers state that the most effective time for smiles is
during the introduction phase of a negotiation. Avoid too
much smiling when you are discussing serious matters as
this can have a negative effect on the results of your
negotiation.
Smiling during the introductory phases improves your
chances of success because you actually establish rapport
during the introductory phase.
When people are at ease with each other, chances of
success increases exponentially. Inversely, when the other
party thinks youre a complete braggart or scoundrel, the
chances of success drop exponentially as well.

112

Unspoken Power

Smiling and Survival


Why are humans so good at detecting and mirroring smiles?
The answer lies in evolutionary history and natural selection.
Millions of years ago, when our ancestors were still figuring
out how to use tools to create what they needed to survive,
they also needed to find a way how to spot enemies and
friends.
By enemies we refer to ancient humans who were out to
clobber their neighbors. By friends we refer to neutral
humans who did not want to hurt or clobber anyone. The
easiest way to tell if an approaching person was friendly was
by look at his face. Is he sneering, snarling or smiling?
Over time, the human species learned that when a person
was smiling, he was probably non-threatening and therefore,
everyone can relax. A smiling stranger meant there wasnt
going to be any aggression or violence taking place (at least
for now).
The human brains ability to receive and decode facial
expressions is so great that even if a smile on a picture was
turned upside down, we would still be able to understand
that it is a smile and not a sneer or frown.

113

Unspoken Power

Part 4: The Arms

Crossed arms means self-protection


Its fairly easy for a person to hide himself when he thinks
that he is in peril. In fact, it is instinctual for people to cover
themselves if there is a perceived threat (i.e. someone is
about to hit another person, something is going to fall on
your head, etc.).
Children have a peculiar way of hiding themselves when
something seems dangerous or at least threatening. Kids
run behind tables or even posts to hide. If mother is
available, a child will hide behind his mother for protection.
This behavior can go on for a few years until the behavior is
no longer deemed appropriate by society. When a child
reaches six or seven years of age, he is expected to avoid
such behavior because it is no longer acceptable for such a
big child to hide behind chairs.

114

Unspoken Power

And so the child learns how to use his own body to


communicate that he feels threatened and that he feels the
need to protect himself from something. The easiest way
that this feeling can be conveyed is by crossing the arms in
front of the chest.
When a person does this, he feels that a thin fence or wall
has been placed around him and this barrier to an extent
reduces the anxiety of the person (especially children).
Once a person hits his teenage years, the tight arm cross
across the chest will no longer be deemed acceptable; the
arm-cross is loosened. People learn how to express their
anxiety or fear through other body language signs, like
crossing the legs.
Why do people cross their arms across their body when they
feel threatened? The reason is quite simple: when you fold
something over your chest area, you are automatically
covering the vital organs like the heart and the liver.
If we were in a more hostile and primitive environment, then
this gesture would have plenty of uses since we would have
to deal with wild animals, hostile terrain, hostile people, etc.

115

Unspoken Power

Should You Cross Your Arms, Too?


Lots of people cross their arms So it has be a good thing,
right? Not necessarily. It appears that the human brain can
easily adapt to conscious gestures and body movement.
If the gesture or body movement is generally negative, then
the brain would adapt a negative attitude toward the object
or subject. If the gesture is positive (i.e. smiling) the brain
would interpret that signal and view the object/subject in a
more positive light.
Current research regarding the connection between body
language and information processing reveals that people
who consciously cross their arms whenever they had to
listen to someone can lose as much as 38% of the total
message, compared to people who chose not to cross their
legs or arms when someone is speaking.
Crossing your legs and arms can also affect the way you
view other people. A person with crossed arms or crossed
legs can become more critical of another person because he
is choosing to adapt a hostile posture.

116

Unspoken Power

Comfort, Context and Body Language


Some individuals say that they choose to cross their arms or
their legs because such postures are comfortable. Im not
going to debate with anyone if these gestures are indeed
comfortable or not.
However, I would like to point out that these types of
gestures will only be comfortable if and only if the person
finds himself in a situation that he is not comfortable in. For
example, it is common for people to cross their arms when
they are in a large study hall filled with students.
There is nothing extremely dangerous or threatening in a
study hall, and yet, people cross their arms easily when they
are listening to a lecture.
They are comfortable with such a position precisely because
they dont like being in a study hall at all and this resistance
to the situation is what actually makes the gesture
acceptable and comfortable in the first place.
A person who says he is comfortable crossing his arms
across his chest will probably avoid the same gesture if he
was in the presence of his very best buddies. Do you see the
difference?
You wouldnt cross your arms in such a situation because
you wouldnt want to send out a negative message to your
friends. You want to show them that you find pleasure in
their presence and you are very happy that you are
spending time with them.

117

Unspoken Power

When a person crosses his arms, he is basically sending out


a message to another person or group: I disagree with you!
That is the single most accurate message that anyone can
transmit using just one gesture. So if you dont want to send
this kind of message to anyone, why use the crossed-arms
gesture in the first place?
The Why and How of the Crossed Arm Gesture
As we have discussed earlier, people cross their arms when
they feel the need to protect themselves.
This gesture is learned in childhood and is adapted so the
same protective gesture can be used in adulthood. You can
usually see crossed arms when people are in bus stops,
trains and other places where strangers abound.
This gesture can also be seen in business meetings where
tension can easily rise and problems abound.
While this gesture is still part of the instinctual parcel that
allows a person to cope with stressful or threatening
situations, as a master reader you should remember that
this gesture has a generally negative connotation throughout
the world.
This simply means that when you perform this gesture,
people will easily associate it with something negative like
disagreement, boredom or even disinterest. In some cases,
the crossed-arms gesture can also be interpreted by some
people as hostility or even aggression if there is already
tension present.

118

Unspoken Power

Now, lets say you are a speaker at a meeting and you see a
lot of people crossing their arms. What should you do?
Many politicians, teachers and professionals fail to see the
significance of the crossed-arms gesture. Many think that
this gesture is simply natural and should simply be ignored.
It shouldnt because if you are trying to persuade
someone, then you should break a posture or gesture that
can make your audience critical of your ideas.
How can you achieve this, especially if you are addressing a
whole group of people?
The answer is quite simple: give the audience something to
do or give them something to hold on to as you present your
ideas. It can be anything give your audience a short
printed report or you can give away pens if you want. But
you have to give the audience something to distract them so
they wont do the cross-arm gesture.

119

Unspoken Power

Varieties of the Arm Barrier


People can appropriate gestures and expressions easily,
according to their basic needs. The following are just some
examples of how the arm barrier is used depending on the
situation or the persons thoughts and emotions.
1. When a person makes a somewhat loose cross-arm
gesture, watch out for the thumbs. If the thumbs are
pointing upward that means this person is feeling
confident despite of his gesture.
Some people feel the need to protect themselves in
the presence of individuals who are considered superior
in some ways (i.e. bosses, project managers, etc.)
A person who is making an additional thumbs up
gesture as he performs the cross-arm gesture is saying
that he is still confident about himself but he feels that
he is somehow threatened so a barrier will be put up.
2. Have you ever seen someone hug themselves when
they are in a tense situation? This type of behavior is
actually borne from the fact that we were regularly
hugged by our parents as children. We associate
protection with the warm and secure feeling we get
from being hugged by our mother and father.
As we grow old, hugs become less and less frequent
and so we devise ways to produce the same feeling of
protection without having to rely on our parents. One of
the easiest ways to do this is by giving oneself a hug.

120

Unspoken Power

Females usually give themselves a half-hug (one arm


covering the midsection). Men on the other hand,
usually use a holding hands arm barrier. This is done
by holding both hands loosely in front. This gesture, in
essence, protects the males sensitive parts.
Males usually do this when they have to appear in front
of a lot of people or when they have to climb a big
stage to receive an award in front of a large audience.
More than anything, this gesture is instinctual because
in front of so many people, a male would feel
vulnerable.

The holding hands arm barrier

121

Unspoken Power

3. Men are usually taught to be confident, strong and selfreliant. Thats why it is sometimes difficult to read the
body language of males who are known as power
players.
Males who hold positions of authority or power will also
hide their insecurities and anxieties under a veil of
affirmative and strong body language.
By hiding I am actually referring to how some males
use very subtle gestures to hide their insecurities. For
example, did you know that males who habitually
adjust the cuff of their suits are actually nervous or
anxious? Personages like Prince Charles habitually
adjust their cuffs when they appear in public!
Power players will also touch their coat pockets or any
other part of their suit just so they can place their
hand/s in front of their chest.
Usually these gestures are done unconsciously so dont
be surprised if even the most confident of your
colleagues will do this when they are speaking to a
boss or when they have to present something in a
meeting. Such gestures only show that even the
Supermans of each generation still suffer from
anxieties and insecurities.

122

Unspoken Power

4. Both males and females can suffer from sudden bouts


of nervousness and anxiety. Like confident males,
confident females are hard to pin down in terms of
body language because they can easily distract people
with the way they talk and the way they hold
themselves in the worst of times.
However, this does not mean that confident women are
bulletproof either. Watch where a womans arms are
and you will really find out if she is confident or not.
Chances are, any person would feel at least some level
of anxiety when he or she has to appear in front of an
audience or when a person has to talk to complete
strangers.
Women dont usually use the masculine arm barrier
gestures but they still perform body-hugging gestures.
When a woman hangs on to her purse even if its clear
that the purse or bag is hanging by her shoulder or is
securely tucked into one arm that means a woman is
without a doubt anxious.
So if you are talking to a woman and she starts giving
herself half-hugs that means either you or the
environment is making her anxious or nervous.
Another almost unnoticeable gesture that you should
watch out for especially during special occasions and
social gatherings is the two-handed grip. Essentially, a
person who uses the two-handed grip will hold on to
glass of wine with both hands instead of just one.

123

Unspoken Power

We all know that you only need one hand to hold on to


a glass of wine. But when you are in a party (and your
senses are absolutely deluged) you will barely notice
when people carry their champagne glasses like bricks
(with two hands).
5. Body language isnt just about what a person does with
his arms, face, etc. It is also about a person uses what
is immediately available to express his thoughts and
emotions. For example, did you know that people can
also use a coffee cup, glass of water or any other
refreshment to communicate if they agree with you or
not?
Try offering a cup of coffee or even just a glass of juice
to a visitor. Watch how the visitor replaces the
refreshment after he or she has taken her fill. Where
did your visitor place the refreshment? Did she place it
across the table or did she close her arm across chest
when she put down the cup or glass?
If a person placed the glass or cup across the table that
means that person is agreeing with the other person.
So if you were trying to prove a point that means the
other person is convinced with what you are saying.
Inversely, if the other person suddenly puts the cup
across his/her body, that means deep down, this
person is having reservations about what you said,
even if he/she is saying verbally that he agrees with
you. Watch out for this kind of body language when
you are analyzing gestures in a cluster. Gestures within
every cluster should agree with each other!

124

Unspoken Power

The coffee cup test where is the other person putting


his cup of coffee, across the table or across his chest?
Touch Works Wonders
Scientists believe that the sense of touch is the last to fade
within the human frame. That means all the other senses
can go, but a person will still recognize a warm touch of a
friend or the mean touch of an antagonistic individual.
As such, we should always put human touch to our
advantage when we go out and meet other people.
Remember our talk about handshakes?
Handshakes are important because you can easily establish
rapport when you know how to shake hands in such a way
that you equalize the playing field for the other person (i.e.
you do not show that you are superior to other person).
Shaking hands is good but you can actually amplify the
positive impact of this gesture by using the sense of touch.

125

Unspoken Power

So here is the master plan: when you need to shake


someones hand, use the equalizing handshake and touch
the other persons arm with your opposite hand.
So if youre shaking with the right hand, touch the persons
shaking arm with the left hand. If you are shaking with the
left hand touch the persons shaking arm with the right
hand. Its as simple as that.
Make sure that when you reach out to the other person, you
touch the elbow and not the forearm or the upper arm. The
forearm and the upper arm are strictly no-touch zones.
The elbow is not considered a very sensitive and private part
and therefore, even people from other cultures may not
react harshly to the gesture (just in case you commit a
minor cultural faux pas).
Why am I suggesting that you touch someones elbow when
you shake hands? There are three main reasons:
1. Touching the elbows will create an instant impression
on someone
2. The elbows are not part of the usual private space
3. Touching someones elbow for a few seconds forges a
bond between two people this is important if you
want to persuade the other person later on.
A note of warning though do not touch the other persons
elbow for more than three seconds. If you do, the other
person will most likely think that you are becoming too

126

Unspoken Power

familiar and some people (especially women) will feel


harassed by the extra touchiness.
Does this elbow-touching have any scientific basis at all?
Fortunately, yes. Studies show that when people lightly
touch peoples hands or elbows, the recipient of the light
touching will have a more positive impression of the other
person.

127

Unspoken Power

Part 5: Zeroing In On Cultural


Differences
Though most of the world recognizes American culture, it
doesnt mean that everyone would accept the whole cultural
parcel just like that.
If you want to be a master reader of body language, you
also have to learn how to recognize cultural differences.
If we can pay attention to verbal language you can also pay
attention to the body language being shown by people from
cultures that is different from yours.
Just to prove a point, I invite you to do this little culturebased test.
1. Make a number five with your fingers.
2. Now make a number two with your fingers.
If you are American, you would have probably express
number two by holding up your middle finger and your index
finger. If you are anywhere from Europe, you would have
probably expressed the number two by extending your
thumb and holding up your index finger.
This little test shows how body language can easily change
with the territory. So heres another important rule that you
should remember when you are travelling to different
countries: observe and adapt quickly.

128

Unspoken Power

Do not assume that the host country will always be gracious


with foreign guests. People from foreign countries can be
very hospitable (the same way Americans are hospitable
with foreigners) but there are invisible limits.
Do a little research so you dont end up offending people and
please learn to go with the flow.
Dont force your own culture unto others. You should adapt
to the culture of the host country and not the other way
around. Learn this one little note and you will be fine
wherever you go.
Remember the Body Language Basics
Does this mean that you should be worried about frowning
or laughing in foreign countries? Not at all. You see,
although there are some cultural differences across distinct
regions around the world, this doesnt mean that your smile
or frown wont register when you meet someone.
There may be cultural differences but in the end, we are all
just humans. Were from just one species and as science has
already revealed, apart from very minimal physical
differences (like skin color) were the same from top to
bottom.
Why am I delving into this? Well, I feel the need to remind
everyone that even if people speak different languages and
wear different kinds of clothes, it doesnt mean that people
are completely disconnected from each other just because of
culture.

129

Unspoken Power

People are connected to each other biologically and


genetically. That is a lot of interconnectedness if you ask me
because in terms of body language, there is actually a body
language baseline that can be understood across different
cultures. I
Body language for the following is generally recognized
around the globe:
1. Happiness
2. Anger
3. Fear
4. Sadness
5. Disgust
6. Surprise
Research has showed that people from different cultures can
actually recognize body language depicting each item above.
There are some slight discrepancies but no one is going to
think you are happy when you are visible screaming in
fright.
Thats not how cultural differences and body language work.
Cultural differences can affect the meaning of specific
gestures and movements but for essential emotions and
thoughts, body language is truly universal.
What about people who have never read books or have
never seen television? Do they express themselves
differently?

130

Unspoken Power

Anthropological studies still show that people from isolated


regions of the world still play by the same body language
rules. They still frown when something is bother them and
they still mile when they are happy about something.
Now, as you can imagine, it would be quite difficult to cover
all of the cultural differences in just one book. So what Im
going to do is Im going to introduce you to what I think are
important differences in terms of greeting people from
different cultures, etc.
That way, you have an idea of how cross-cultural body
language plays out. As a master reader, it is your job to
observe and understand body language not only from the
local, immediate concept (like what is happening right now)
but also from the cultural context. Lets begin!

131

Unspoken Power

Differences Across Cultures


Body language used in a specific country or culture is called
local body language. Each country has its own set of body
language rules that are followed by the majority.
When a foreign guest arrives, people from the host country
expect the guest to be aware of some of the basic cultural
differences in body language. Usually there are differences
in the following areas:
1. The concept of private space and public space (i.e.
comfortable talking distance)
2. How eye contact is used and is received by people
3. How touch is used during conversations
4. How people insult each other through body language
In terms of variety, the most variety can be seen in
countries like Japan. Countries from the Middle East also
have their own special signs and gestures that must be
learned over time if you want to master them.
Introductions & Interaction
The handshake is generally used across the United States
and in major countries in European bloc, including Germany
and France. Here are some important notes regarding the
handshake and other gestures used during introductions,
etc.
1. If Americans are a visual people, Europeans are more
tactile. According to one study, some Europeans spend
up to 30 minutes shaking hands every day. So dont be
surprised if people shake your hands frequently when
you visit Germany or France. Its very ordinary for

132

Unspoken Power

people to shake hands there, as long as there is a


minimum of introduction.
2. In terms of duration or length of a handshake,
Europeans only pump the hand for a maximum of three
times. People from the United Kingdom on the other
hand, like keeping things going until the fifth hand
pump is reached.
Americans are the longest hand shakers with an
average of seven pumps per handshake! Some folks
think that Germans are the most distant when it comes
to handshakes because they usually only give a single
pump before pulling away.
A single, strong pump is all they need during a
handshake. Americans tend to be surprised with this
but the Germans on the other hand, also think that
Americans pump too many times in a row.
As a master reader, it would be best to always adapt to
the circumstances. Adapt to the handshake of the other
person so you would come across as open and the
other person would become more comfortable with you,
more quickly.
So if you are an American and you are shaking hands
with a person from another country, let the other
person shake for as long as he likes!
Believe it or not, a long handshake only takes 4-5
seconds. Its not that long anyway, so why pull away?
Pulling away from a handshake just because you were
used to a few pumps might create a negative impact on
the other person.

133

Unspoken Power

Now lets talk about interaction. Americans usually use their


hands when they are trying to emphasize specific points.
Other than using mild and low-key hand gestures,
Americans are more into expressing themselves verbally
throughout.
Its different when you try to speak to Italians. Italians are
known for being extremely animated when they are trying to
have a conversation. They use their arms and hands and it
is usual for some Italians to hold their hands high when they
are trying to control a conversation. They are also known for
holding on to the other persons arm during a conversation.
When an Italian holds your arm during a conversation, is he
simply being affectionate? Actually, no. When Italians make
body contact during a conversation, it is actually a way for
them to control the conversation. Since Italians associate
hand movement with conversation control, holding the other
persons arm is actually a disarming gesture.
So what should you do if you have an Italian acquaintance
and he seems unstoppable with his arm-touching and
animated hand gestures? Simple: gently hold his arm as you
speak.
This will freeze the other person and you would be able to
communicate your points. When you hold an Italians arm
gently (by the elbow or forearm) you are communicating
that you want to lead the conversation too. Unless you are
speaking to an extreme power player, the other person
wont mind.

134

Unspoken Power

As for those who are from the United Kingdom and


Germany, dont expect too many body movements or
gestures from these guys. Germans and Britons are known
for being almost completely immobile when they are talking.
They want to get their points across clearly and it is possible
that they view too much movement as simply distracting.
Thats why Germans have a generally tough time conversing
with Italians and people from other cultures who habitually
touch arms and gesticulate. They think that it is almost
impossible to have a good conversation if the other person is
moving too much. And as for the French, they are also
animated when they talk, but not as much as the Italians.

135

Unspoken Power

Demystifying Body Language in Japan


If you are planning to meet someone important who has
been born and has lived in Japan all his life, it would be a
good idea to bone up on some Japanese body language
pointers.
The Japanese are not like the Americans. There are specific
nuances regarding body language that you have to be aware
of so you can project confidence and most important,
politeness and respect throughout the conversation:
1. The Japanese do not normally shake hands when they
are introduced to new people. They bow. But dont
think that you can just bow when you are introduced to
a Japanese person. This applies most especially in
business-related situations. The first thing that is done
before a bow is the exchange of business cards.
Once the exchange of cards is performed, each person
quickly checks the cards to analyze who has the higher
position.
The person with the higher position would have a
higher bow than the person with the lower position. If a
senior vice president met someone from human
resources for example, the senior vice president will
barely bow while the other person should bow lower
than the senior vice president.

136

Unspoken Power

We can say that power play is built into the Japanese


body language. Dont take it personally though!
Different cultures pay attention to different things.
It just so happens that in Japan, authority, femininity
and masculinity are all very important things and if you
can roll with this, you are showing that you respect
someones culture which is so important if you want to
come across as an intelligent and respectable fellow.
Try ignoring these basic customs and you will most
likely earn the other persons annoyance, to say the
very least.
2. When you meet a Japanese person for the very first
time, dont do any of the following: kissing the cheeks,
shaking hands, touching the hands, touching the
forearms, touching the elbows, etc. Anything that
involves touch is not considered a good thing and you
will be viewed as impolite.
3. The Japanese are actually one of the most polite people
when it comes to face to face conversations.
Instead of hand gestures, the Japanese usually use a
variety of head movements, facial expressions
combined with vocal language. Most of these vocal
expressions and body expressions are positive
because the Japanese want the other person to
continue talking.
Note that wanting you to continue to talk is not the
same as wholesale agreement. Agree a Japanese
person continues to nod at you during the course of a
conversation, it does not automatically mean that he or
she is saying yes! to everything that you say.

137

Unspoken Power

A Japanese person may also say hai! or yes to


another person during the course of a face to face
conversation but again, this doesnt mean that he is
agreeing. He is simply being polite as he does not want
to block you while you are talking.
Hai! or yes! in Japanese actually means Yes! I
heard you. It doesnt really mean Yes! I agree with
you! So be careful. Dont assume verify before
believing that the other person agrees with you.
You would probably notice a big difference between the
nod of an American or European and the nod of the
Japanese. The Japanese can nod numerous times in a
row while Americans will only nod when key points are
raised and agreement or disagreement is required.
4. The Japanese hate the idea of embarrassing
themselves or someone else during a conversation or
face-to-face meeting. It is very rare for a Japanese
person to say an absolute no! to a foreign guest or
foreign acquaintance.
Instead of the franker no!, the Japanese would opt for
milder forms of disagreement like It would be very
difficult for this to push through or We will consider
your idea. When you hear such things, it means that
the other person does not buy your idea at all!

138

Unspoken Power

Hand Gestures Across Cultures


There are three signs that are commonly used throughout
the countries and we should take the time to sort out the
meanings of these three gestures so you can avoid a cultural
faux pas when you travel. These three gestures are: the AOkay sign, thumbs up and the V-sign.
I. The A-Okay sign

The origin of the A-Okay sign is still debated but it has been
agreed that this sign probably meant all is correct. There
are many interpretations but all we have to know as master
readers is that this sign is an affirmative one and is
commonly used to communicate agreement.
In countries like the USA and in the United Kingdom, the AOkay sign can be used safely to say that you agree with
someone. Of course, there are some exceptions:
- In France, this gesture means worthless or zero.
Ditto for Belgium.

139

Unspoken Power

- In Japan, this gesture means money. So if you are in


a business meeting and you flash the A-Okay sign, the
Japanese would probably think that you are asking
them for money. A big no-no!
- In the Mediterranean, this gesture signifies an orifice
and it communicates you are homosexual
- In Greece and Turkey, this gesture has a negative
signification. Dont use it you might end up insulting
someone, badly.
II. The Thumbs Up Sign

Countries that have been at least partially influenced by the


British usually have three basic assignations for this simple
gesture:
1. I need a lift
2. Okay
3. Up yours!

140

Unspoken Power

Three assignations for a single gesture Confusing? Not


really. The meaning of this gesture can be modified by the
context and the way the gesture is given. If a person was
standing by the side of a road with his backpack, thumbs up
sign would most likely mean he is asking for a hitch or lift.
A simple thumbs up sign when you are calling out to a
person at a distance would mean that the other person is
agreeing with what you just shouted out.
But a person who looks at you and suddenly opens a thumbs
up gesture as he jacks up the thumb into the air is most
likely insulting you. In Greece, a thumbs up sign literally
means you should get
stuffed!

141

Unspoken Power

III. The V-Sign

The V-sign with the palm facing inward is actually an insult


in the following countries:
- New Zealand
- Great Britain
- Australia
The inward-facing V-sign is comparable to the raised middle
finger in the United States so be careful when you use this
sign. If you are in New Zealand for example, dont use an
inward facing V-sign if you want to signify two. Just use
the palm-out sign (it is not cool to flash the inward V-sign
anywhere).

142

Unspoken Power

Now, the V-sign can be used in two distinct ways. The first
way is the inward-facing V-sign. As you already know, this
one is negative through and through (except for cultures
who have no negative assignation for this gesture).
The second way is the outward-facing V-sign. This can be
used to signify victory or peace. In Great Britain, this
gesture was first used by the great statesman Winston
Churchill. Churchill wanted to use a gesture that would
always have a positive connotation and so he used a gesture
with high recall (the V-sign) and reversed it.
It should be noted that in some countries like Germany, the
inward-facing V-sign has a positive assignation.
So if you got into a bar fight somewhere in Germany and
you decided to flash the inward-facing V-sign, the other guy
would probably think that hes good/handsome or hes about
to get something really good in return for his bad behavior.
Think before you use a specific gesture!
Important Notes:
Touching is considered impolite in some countries, like
Germany and Japan. In places like the Middle East and
Greece, its okay to touch someones arm during a
conversation. When youre unsure, it never hurts to ask a
local.
Now, as for your own body language, it would be best to
stick to essentials. Keep your body language simple and
observe people first (this is probably your best tool as a
master reader) before adding a broader spectrum of
gestures and movements when you converse with another
person in the host country.

143

Unspoken Power

Observing people in the host country is the best way to learn


local body language. This is absolutely essential especially if
plan to live in a foreign country.
You cant stick to your own cultural norms if you are going
to live or work in a new country. You have to learn to adapt
so your relationship with other people in the host country
would be harmonious, trouble-free and stress-free.
Observe and learn all you can. You can even buy some
movies from the host country and observe how people act in
the movies. You can see the subtle differences if you pay
attention to how people move when they deliver the lines in
the movies.
If you are in a foreign country to do business, always
remember that people always like doing business with
people who know how to pay attention to body language.
It shows that you are a sensible person and you genuinely
care about what the other person thinks and feels. If you
dont pay attention to body language, you will come across
as insincere and insensitive (which can indirectly affect your
ability to persuade people in the long term).

144

Unspoken Power

Part 6: Hand-Face Gestures


Body language is so subtle yet complex that it would literally
take a lifetime to master all of the signals associated with
human body language. Fortunately, I have taken the liberty
to collect the most important signals so I can relate these
important signals to you.
There are many things that you can learn by simply
observing how people use their faces and hands to express
hidden thoughts.
Body languages allows us to conceal and express at the
same time; because lets face it if we were incredibly frank
all the time, we would probably end up with no friends and
quite possibly, without a job too!
As a master reader, you are interested in find analyzing
available information to arrive at the truth so you can handle
situations better.
This is the main reason why we are here in the first place,
discussing all of these body language nuances. We want to
learn and respond adequately to every situation that we
come across.

145

Unspoken Power

Body Language & Lying

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil


Is it possible to tell if another person was lying to you by
looking at his body language alone?
The answer to this essential question is yes. Actually, it
would be hard to tell if a person was lying by listening to his
vocal language and verbal language because these channels
of expression are almost fully consciously controlled.
A person who was set out to lie to another person or to a
whole group of people would pay close attention to the way
he will deliver his lines.
A liar can also practice at home (or while driving to the
office) and through this practice, he can create the perfect
verbal lie. Fortunately for us, its hard to instruct the body to
ignore lies, especially if the liar is feeling stirrings of
negative emotion as he sets out to deceive people.

146

Unspoken Power

If youve ever seen a statue of the three monkeys, you will


notice that for every corresponding act (hearing, seeing and
speaking), there is a corresponding gesture.
Thats because people tend to block out any form of
negativity with their hands. When something horrific
happens to a person, he/she would often use his two hands
to cover the entire face for a few moments.
This gesture shows that he/she is unconsciously trying to
block out whatever bad news has come to his doorstep.
Lying is a form of negativity and humans are aware that
lying is an intrinsically negative and awful thing.
Thats why children who set out to lie usually touch their
mouths as they speak the lie in an effort to prevent the
deceit from escaping the mouth as they speak.
Both men and women routinely touch their ears, mouth and
eyes as children. Upon entering adulthood, these gestures
remain but are modified so they become almost
unobservable.
Both guys and girls also swallow their saliva more frequently
if they are consciously deceiving other people, but this
peculiar gesture is more obvious in men because you can
easily see the Adams apple move up and down when a man
swallows.

147

Unspoken Power

Hand and face signs are usually evident when someone is


lying. However, this does not mean that a person who
touches his face frequently when conversing with people is
always lying. It is possible that he is holding back something
during the conversation, but he is not lying outright.
As we have already discussed in an earlier part of this book,
the face is controlled by both voluntary and involuntary
muscle groups.
This makes the face an excellent analytical board when you
want to find out if someone is lying. People will exert extra
effort to exhibit body language that would communicate that
they are indeed telling the truth, but little do they know that
it is also their face that would give them away.
As always, I highly recommend that you read signals in
clusters. So dont just focus on the face or eyes when you
are trying to find out if a person is lying to you. Observe all
of the available gestures and movements to find out the
truth.
It is my belief that it is very difficult to lie well because the
body responds automatically to thoughts and emotions.
So if a person wants to lie and carries out the deceit, the
body responds to thoughts and emotions associated with the
plan itself. The body recognizes that the lie is a negative
item and so there is no reason for it to produce positive
body language.

148

Unspoken Power

This is where the problem usually starts. When a person lies,


there is automatically incongruence in the signals being sent
out by the body. There would always be that one gesture
that doesnt jive with the rest of the gestures that state that
the person is indeed telling the truth.
Gestures that usually give away a liars covert position are:
- Mouth twitching
- Eye twitching
- Cheek twitching
- Dilation of the pupils
- Contraction of the pupils
- Frequency of blinking
These microscopic body language signals are very hard to
spot if you dont know how and where to look. Only master
readers can spot these items on the fly. Thats why I
always encourage people to set aside at least fifteen minutes
per day just observing people. That way, you will get used
to reading not only what is being said but also what is not
being implied explicitly by another person.

149

Unspoken Power

Watch Out For These Gestures!


Researchers have identified distinct patterns of gestures
used by people who have lied or deceived someone else.
Watch out for these gestures in your day to day interaction
with other people.
1. Covering the Mouth
When a person is about to tell a lie, the subconscious mind
will do anything to stop it.
Thats why a person who is lying will most likely cover his
mouth or at least touch it when he is telling the lie. Unless
the other person has broken teeth or is coughing hard, there
really is no reason for someone to cover his mouth during a
conversation unless the other thinks you are the one who is
not telling the truth.
2. Touching the Nose
Any nose-touching should also be considered a sign that the
other person might not be being completely truthful to you.
But be careful some people touch their noses because
their noses are irritated or they may have a cold. Always use
context and never forget to read other signs in the cluster!
So why do liars touch their noses when they do what they
love doing anyway? Well, it appears that when a person lies,
the body releases chemicals that make the nose swell from
inside.

150

Unspoken Power

When the nose swells, it becomes a little itchy and


therefore, the liar has to touch it at least once to relieve the
itching. Lying can also increase a persons blood pressure
and this too produces a swelling effect on the nose.
Nose touching is rarely a scratching action. Nose-touching
that is associated with lying is usually quick and almost
imperceptible. People who have really itchy noses will
scratch and rub like there is no tomorrow.
There is a world of difference between the two. People with
colds will also show signs of eye irritation and sometimes
even dripping noses. A person who is simply lying will touch
his nose even if he hasnt touched his nose the whole day.
3. Touching the Eyes
Children normally cover their eyes when they sense that
something nasty is about to appear. Children also cover
their eyes when they see something that they dont want.
This is a conscious attempt to block out something
undesirable. A toned down version of the eye cover
gesture can also be seen when someone is lying.
For males, this gesture is modified so the person would look
like he was rubbing the underside of his eyes.
Males are more vigorous when they rub and when the lie
being told is an extremely big lie, a male would probably
also look away from the other person. This gesture helps the
liar avoid eye contact.

151

Unspoken Power

Women also rub their eyes, but the rubbing motion is far
gentler (probably because women were taught to move
carefully and this might also be done so they wont smudge
any makeup they have on).
4. Touching the Ears
Believe it or not, touching the ears also signals deceit! Liars
usually pull on their ears when they are deliberately lying to
someone else. A deceptive fellow can also put his index
finger in his outer ear and begin scratching back and forth
for no reason. Any other form of ear manipulation should
also be considered suspicious.
If you think the other person is not lying to you but he still
chooses to touch his ear, what does this mean?
Well, according to researchers, people who touch their ears
during a negotiation or conversation may be communicating
that you have spoken long enough and they do not wish to
listen anymore. It might also be read as a signal that the
other person would like to speak already.
5. Touching the Neck
Any slight scratching motion on the neck region (just below
the ears) should be considered a warning sign: the other
person is not sure of what he just said. There is still some
level of deceit, but a person who scratches his neck might
be holding on to something that he is not sure about sharing
with you.

152

Unspoken Power

If this happens to you, try to draw out the other person so


you can explain your points again if he did not understand
completely. Or you can also ask more questions so you can
determine if the other person has some hidden issues that
you should resolve beforehand.
6. Touching the Collar
Like nose-touching, collar-touching is usually a sign that a
person is not telling the truth (or at the very least, the whole
truth). This gesture is attributed to the fact that when a
person lies, other parts of his face and even his neck start to
tingle and even perspire. When a person feels these
sensations, he relieves himself of these sensations by pulling
on the collar of his shirt or coat.
7. Putting the Fingers In/Near the Mouth
This particular gesture shows that the other person might be
lying because internally, he starts feeling emotional
pressure. This gesture is rooted in the suckling reflex that
babies do when they want milk from their mothers bosom.

153

Unspoken Power

A Variety of Head & Hand Gestures


Body language can express a variety of feelings including
boredom:
1. When a person puts his face on his palm when
speaking to another person, this usually means that he
is bored.
The degree of the palm support should be observed to
measure the boredom level of the person. If his head is
fully supported and his entire upper body is somewhat
drooping already, it is likely that he is about to fall
asleep!
2. People who drum on the table when another person is
speaking are not really bored they feel very impatient
with what is happening.
3. People generally like to be polite, which is why most
individuals will avoid putting their hands completely on
their palms.
What they would do is they would place their chin near
the base of the palm and they would then point their
index finger toward the ceiling. This way, they would
still look interested but at the same time, the hand will
support the head as even more boredom is felt by the
listener.
4. When a person is really interested in what you are
saying, his thumb and index finger will be lightly
touching the cheeks. The base of the palm will not be
used at all. When the thumb moves under the chin that
is a sign that the listener is being critical.

154

Unspoken Power

5. When a person puts his index finger and thumb near


the face and starts scratching the chin lightly with the
thumb, that means he is about to make an important
decision.
6. Chin-stroking is usually followed by a pattern that will
reveal whether or not you have persuaded the other
party.
If the other person leans forward after scratching his
chin, then there is 90% chance that he was impressed
with what youve said and he actually agrees with you.
If the person scratches his chin and then proceeds to
cross his arms, that means you havent persuaded that
person.
7. Slapping the back of the neck means a person is
usually a sign that a person has become frustrated or
agitated with something.
8. People can also express forgetfulness by slapping
themselves. Slapping is a way of punishing oneself for
forgetting something. If the other person slaps his
forehead that means he is not really intimidated by the
fact that he forget something. If he slaps the back of
his neck, that means he thinks you are being a pain for
reminding him what he has forgotten.

155

Unspoken Power

Part 7: The Eyes


Its a fact of life that when we speak to other people, we
observe his face, especially the eyes. We have a natural
instinct to look at the eyes because the eyes are the focal
point of the human face.
Over time, we learn to associate behavior and tendencies
with specific eye movements and eye gestures. This section
of the book will focus on the eye, and nothing but the eye/s.
According to researchers, the human eyes are actually a
mirror to our thoughts and emotions. Unlike hand and arm
gestures, its very difficult to control expressions manifested
through the eyes, which is why it is simply superb to analyze
because you know that the person has no real conscious
control over it.
Dilation and Contraction
The eyes dilate and contract to control the amount of light
entering the eyes. We need light to see things around us.
But did you know that the eyes also contract and dilate
when we experience emotional shifts? When we are happy,
the eyes can dilate a hundred percent. When we are
extremely angry, our eyes can contract so much that we
only see small dots at the center of the eyes.
According to a study from the University of Chicago, the
eyes reflect a persons level and state of emotional arousal.
As we have mentioned earlier, it is like a mirror that offers
us a direct viewing channel to a persons emotions. The eyes

156

Unspoken Power

dont know how to lie because it is controlled by involuntary


brain processes.
When something stimulates a person, the general tendency
is for the human eyes to open wide.
A study that involved both male and female participants
revealed that even images of the opposite sex can stimulate
a person so much that the eyes dilate and constrict
automatically. When a woman sees a picture of a man, pupil
dilation occurs. Inversely, when a woman sees another
woman in an image, the pupil constriction occurs.
Dilation also occurs when a person is given a problem. As a
person analyzes a new problem, his eyes will slowly dilate
and maximum dilation will occur when the person has finally
arrived at a solution to the problem that has been given.
Eye gestures are important to courtship, too. Ever
wondered why candle-lit dinners are always the most
romantic choice for couples?
The answer lies in the lighting. When there is very little
light, people see the dilation of the other persons pupils. A
man who sees pupil dilation will unconsciously interpret that
as a sign that the woman is interested in him; ditto for
women as well.
It also appears that mirror neurons in the brain also respond
to pupil dilation.
Researchers have also discovered that when a person sees
an image of the opposite sex (and the image shows a person
with dilated pupils) there is also much more dilation
observed in the subject. A reverse trend was observed when

157

Unspoken Power

images with contracted pupils are shown to the subjects of


the study.
Now, have you ever wondered why our eyes have whites in
them? We are actually the only primates with an opposing
color in our eyes. The reason for this is that humans were
built by nature to express a myriad of complex emotions and
to an extent; other humans are able to read these emotions
through the eyes.
Rule of Thumb: Observing other peoples pupils can
make you a master body language reader.

Exploring Eye Gestures


Eye gestures are accomplished not only with the eyes but
also with the eyebrows, eyelids and the small region around
the eyes. Obviously, we cannot express every emotion and
thought with just the pupils and just the whites of the eyes
and so we have to make use of the nearby elements of the
face to express our emotions in their entirety.
I. The eyes are used for greeting people. This is usually
initiated by moving the eyebrows up for a split second
before lowering them to their normal spot in the face. This is
done to draw attention to the face (because humans are
excellent in noticing changes in the face).
This type of greeting is acceptable to most Western and
Eastern cultures, with the exception of Japan. In Japan,
upward eyebrow movement will be met with negativity
because this gesture is associated with sexuality in this
country.

158

Unspoken Power

Where it is considered ordinary and quite acceptable, the


eyebrow raise gesture may communicate the following
statements to the other person:
1. I am not threatening you.
2. I am surprised that you are here.
3. Look at me.
4. Im over here!
5. Hey there!
When someone greets you with this particular gesture, it is
considered impolite not to return the same gesture. You will
also be projecting that you are a generally aggressive fellow
because you do not greet back.
II. The eyebrows arent just patches of hair on top of the
eyes. These brows actually serve as a mini transmission
tower that communicates directly to other people. Women
usually pluck their eyebrows so it would be set higher on the
face.
The purpose of this is to create a baby-like appearance
which enhances the femininity of a woman. High brows
create an instant protective effect in men. Men on the other
hand, prefer lower eyebrows and generally narrower looking
eyes.
Men want to be on top of things and having a high eyebrow
will not help their cause. Narrow eyes communicate
authority and sometimes even aggression while high
eyebrows communicate submissiveness.

159

Unspoken Power

III. Have you ever paid attention to the length of your


gaze? Dont think that this doesnt have any bearing on your
ability to communicate to people. First off, people generally
appreciate it when eye contact is established.
To show that you are really interested in someone, you need
to establish firm eye contact throughout the conversation.
With the exception of some cultures (like in Japan), it is
okay to look at someone in the eye around 80% of the time
when you are listening. When you are talking on the other
hand, forty to sixty percent eye contract is acceptable.
If you want to establish trust (rapport) immediately, you
have to meet the gaze of the other person throughout a
conversation as well. If you can meet the other persons
gaze or eye contact at least sixty percent of the time, youre
off to a good start!
IV. Dont forget to scrutinize the type of eye contact that
you are getting. If the other person is performing eye
contact around 60% to 70% of the time, that can mean two
things, depending on the dilation of the pupils.
If the other persons pupils are dilated, that means that he is
very interested in what you are saying and it is possible that
he genuinely likes you.
However, if the other persons eyes are constricted and he is
making a lot of eye contact that could mean that he is
actually challenging you. It is also possible that the other
person is feeling some hostility towards you.
V. Under normal conditions, a person would only blink
around eight times every minute. But once a person is under

160

Unspoken Power

any kind of pressure, the frequency of the blinking can


increase dramatically.
Liars are known to blink frequently. People who have
become bored with their own situation also tend to blink a
lot. This is the brain communicating that he no longer wants
to see what is in front of him.
VI. Have you seen someone with darting eyes? If this
happens frequently to you, then your mind is most likely
bored with your day to day interactions and it is looking for
ways that you can escape such interaction.
You brain is literally trying to find escape routes for you.
The eye movement is unconscious. People who have darting
eyes also use a thin-lipped smile to show that they are still
interested in the other person, even if they really are no
longer interested.
VII. There are three kinds of gaze that you should be aware
of: the non-threatening gaze, the interested gaze and the
power players gaze. When you are in a non-threatening and
relaxed environment like a party or any other light, social
gathering, you will most likely use a non-threatening or
social gaze.
The non-threatening, social gaze focuses on the eye region,
nose region and the mouth region. If we would map this out
on the human face, we would come up with a small,
triangular zone.

161

Unspoken Power

The non-threatening gaze


The interested gaze on the other hand, is used in several
situations:
1. When a person is interested in another person
2. When a person sees someone in the distance
3. When a person wishes to show that he is also
interested in a person who has used the interested
gaze
Proximity is key when it comes to the interested gaze. If the
person is close to you, you will only look at his eyes, most of
his face and his neck region. If the person is two meters
away or even further, you will look from his head and all the
way down to the pelvic region.
Both males and females use this type of gaze! Dont be
deceived by women who say they dont. Women have better
peripheral vision than men, so they dont have to move their
eyes so much when they want to check someone out. Men

162

Unspoken Power

on the other hand,need to move their eyes more when they


want to check out someone so its very obvious.

The interested gaze, in close proximity

163

Unspoken Power

The interest gaze, if the person is far from the spectator


The third type of gaze is the power players gaze. Have you
ever found yourself in an extremely boring conversation that
you want to improve or stop? Use the power players gaze.
The power players gaze focuses on an extremely small
region that starts from the forehead and extends to the eyes

164

Unspoken Power

only. Keep your gaze in this small area and you will
immediate add pressure to the situation.
If the other person has been very relaxed about what you
were talking about, this gaze will probably straighten him
out. If you want this gaze to work for you make sure that
your gaze does not go below the eyes to keep everything
serious.

The power players gaze

165

Unspoken Power

The Eye-Mind Connection


Early developments in the field of NLP or Neuro Linguistic
Programming have revealed that people look at specific
directions when they are trying to do different things.

This person is trying to recall a visual image or


picture.

This person is trying to recall a sound.

This person is trying to recall a feeling.

166

Unspoken Power

This person is talking to himself.


Important Note: These eye movements can happen within
a fraction of a second so it is generally hard to spot on the
fly.

167

Unspoken Power

Part 8: Personal Space,


Postures & Gestures
Personal Spaces & Zoning

Everyone has an imaginary bubble called the personal space


Every person has an imaginary space that he claims as his
own. This imaginary space has no clear markers, but its
there and if you dont know that its there, you will discover
early on that people can turn from nice to extremely
offended in a few minutes.

168

Unspoken Power

What Im going to discuss with you today is the personal


space of Western or westernized cultures only. We will not
be delving into the specifics of personal space of Eastern
cultures and Middle Eastern cultures, at least in this volume.
The following are the specific zones and distances associated
with the personal space.
1. 6 inches from the body
This is the most intimate zone of a persons personal space
and it is normally extremely guarded by people. At this
proximity, sexual advances can already occur, so people are
very wary of individuals who like sidling up during
conversations. Only close acquaintances, lovers and friends
can approach this very intimate zone. All others are
excluded, for obvious reasons.
The intimate zone is actually recognized by the brain. When
a stranger sidles up too close to and breaches the intimate
zone, the brain sends out a signal to the body which in turns
prepares it for a possible flight or fight response.
So the best rule that you can follow when it comes to
personal space is to keep a sensible distance away from the
newly introduced person until he becomes more comfortable
talking to you. If you have to come very close to him, simply
ask permission before doing so.
2. 18 to 48 inches from the body
Right next to the intimate zone is the private space that
extends for up to two feet. This space is open to people
especially when a person has been invited to party or any
other social event.

169

Unspoken Power

3. 4 to 12 feet from the body


In third position is the general social space that we offer
people like the postman or the friendly neighborhood
electrician. This is the space that can be accessed by
individuals whom we barely know but have to be in
proximity to us.
4. 12+ feet from the body
The last space is the public space that is dedicated only for
groups of people. When we are addressing large groups of
people (or audiences), then this is the space that we require
to be able to comfortably address others.
What the Legs Tell Us
So far we have been able to discuss the hands, the face, the
arms and general body movements.
But what about the legs? Though the legs are the farthest
from the human brain, we should all remember that the legs
are used for transportation and for fleeing from undesirable
situations. Therefore, the human brain has a special
connection to it because it is used most frequently by people
(just like the hands).
Believe it or not, the legs are also capable of communicating
whole ideas you just have to know how to read the signs
and gestures.
Now, how much can you learn about someone just by
checking out their legs and feet? Plenty because according

170

Unspoken Power

to researchers you can discover if a person is lying or


withholding information from you by looking at the
movement rate of his feet as he is talking.
A person who is lying would most likely move his feet
frequently, for no reason at all. Of course, if you are in the
tropics and there are mosquitos buzzing everywhere, the
other person might be moving around his legs because the
insects are feasting on him.
Demystifying Standing Postures
Yes even standing postures also have significance when it
comes to body language. There are four commons standing
postures that you have to watch out for: the straight
posture, the wide posture, the forward-leaning posture and
the crossed-leg posture.

Straight posture

171

Unspoken Power

The straight posture is usually used by subordinates when


conversing with administrators or bosses. There is no real
commitment in this standing posture. The person does not
want to stay or leave immediately. He is simply standing
straight to receive commands or instructions and to listen
intently to the superior individual.

The wide posture


The wide posture, unlike the straight posture, is used by
individuals to dominate other people during conversations.
This standing posture prominently displays the groin area
and also shows confidence and fearlessness. Groups of
males are known to pose the same way to show that they
think alike and therefore, they are unbeatable and
dominant.

172

Unspoken Power

The forward leaning posture


In the forward-leaning posture, one leg is used as a prop
for the entire body. Weight is shifted to the hips instead of
just the soles of the feet. One foot is prominently pointing at
something. This standing posture reveals the basic
intentions of a person. If a person is interested in another
person, then his foot would most likely be pointed at the
other person. If a person wants to leave, his foot would
most likely face the nearest exit.
Additionally, when we really are attracted or interested with
the other person, the lead foot is usually placed near the
other person. Inversely, if we abhor the presence of the
other person, then the lead leg is pulled back.

173

Unspoken Power

The crossed-leg posture


The cross-legged posture is usually performed by people
who are among other unfamiliar people. People who cross
their legs while standing up usually dont want to speak to
others (closed to interaction) and are generally defensive.
This standing posture protects the crotch area from direct
access.
Women who perform this gesture are saying that they
intend to stand their ground but are not giving anyone easy
access (dialog-wise). Guys who do this in a social setting are
also staying but are protecting their crown jewels from
anyone who might want to land a kick or punch. Avoid using
any cross-legged standing posture because it projects that
you are a rather anxious and insecure individual.

174

Unspoken Power

Seated Postures
When people are seated for long periods of time, they
usually adopt a cross-legged posture. This section discusses
the different cross-legged postures that you will encounter
on a daily basis and when you visit other countries.

Figure-four cross-legged posture

European cross-legged posture

175

Unspoken Power

The
European
cross-legged
posture
is
popular
throughout the world, not just in Europe. This posture can
be seen in Asia and even in the States. The European crosslegged posture does not have any special signification
however, if the person crosses his arms as well it means he
doesnt want to speak to anyone at the moment.
The figure-four cross legged position is more aggressive
and is also associated with youthfulness. This type of crosslegged posture prominently displays the groin area, which
signifies that the other person is confident and is not afraid
to leave his crown jewels somewhat vulnerable to blows.
This four-figure cross-legged posture should not be done in
places like the Middle East because it also prominently
displays dirt that has stuck to ones shoes. If you are in a
home and you show the dirt on your shoes, you might be
inviting problems in some other countries.
The four-figure clamped posture involves holding the
raised leg with two hands. This seated posture projects that
the person is tough and is most likely very stubborn. The
arms serve as barriers to any input that might come during
the course of a conversation.
The wide posture is most often used by men who wish to
restrain a thought, word or emotion. This posture is most
commonly used by people who are being interviewed for a
job. This posture shows the willingness of a person to be in
a particular interaction.
When the persons feet are pulled back under the chair it is
as if he was withdrawing himself from the conversation. But
when he decides to just plant his feet wide apart he is
saying that he wants to be in the conversation. Women also

176

Unspoken Power

use this posture but they keep their legs locked together
tightly; the ankles remain locked together, usually just
below the chair.
The twined leg posture can be done by women either
while seated or while standing up. The twine leg posture can
be done by raising one leg and locking the front of the foot
behind the other leg. This posture is often done by women
who are generally shy and reserved.
The parallel posture involves the European cross-legged
posture but you have to place your legs in such a way that
they are almost parallel to each other. Men in general will
not be able to do this which is why most men think this is
the most feminine of all seated postures.
Exploring Common Gestures
Below are some of the most common gestures used every
day by people. Read, learn and observe.
1. Head movement is usually used to convey agreement and
disagreement. Moving the head up and down is yes! in
Western countries and even in Japan. However, there are
some local cultures that have a different gesture for yes.
A good example would be India. In India, yes means
swaying your head gently from left to right. In other
cultures, this communicates uncertainty. In India, this headswaying gesture is clearly an affirmative.
Nodding the head has two marked effects. First, it
automatically generates positive emotions and thoughts. Its
hard to think negative thoughts when you are nodding your
head in the affirmative. And when someone nods, people

177

Unspoken Power

follow as well. So if you are trying to support someone who


is presenting his idea to members of your group, you can
help him by simply nodding your head regularly as he
stressed important points.
You can also show that you are a good listener by nodding
as a speaker answers your questions or when a speaker
goes into a detailed explanation of a particular topic.
Remember you have to nod after the point has been
explained. Five nods are just right just dont overdo it.
Keep your gestures open and dont put any undue stress on
the speaker.
2. We all know that shaking the head is used to signify
no!; but have you ever thought why? According to
researchers, the head-shaking gesture seems to be hardwired into the human psyche because as babies, we move
our heads to the side when we no longer want to feed.
Be careful of people who seem to be agreeing with you but
are still shaking their head from side to side. The person
might want to agree with you, but at the same time, there is
still some resistance.
3. When the head is at eye level, the person is exhibiting a
neutral or non-biased position in relation to the other
person.
4. If a person lifts his or her chin during a conversation, then
he/she is assuming a position of superiority. Power play will
be imminent.
5. Tilting the head to one side communicates two things:
number one, it shows the other person that you are not a
threat and number two, it communicates that you are

178

Unspoken Power

interested. Women have been known to tilt their heads when


they find the other person interesting. Be observant when
you are speaking to a group. If you see someone tilting his
head that means you have been effective in communicating
your ideas.
6. Pulling the chin down to the chest communicates
aggression and opposition. If the other person is critical of
what you are saying, this posture would be evident early on.
7. Pulling the shoulders up, which almost hides the neck
shows that you are submissive and also shows some degree
of apology. Avoid this gesture if you want to appear
confident.
8. When a person starts picking off lint from his clothes for
no apparent reason, then it is likely that he does not
approve of what he is hearing.

179

Das könnte Ihnen auch gefallen