Contemplating Suicide: No Way to Understand

Unless You've Been There

Suicide: whether successful or not casts a lifelong shadow.
Post published by Gerri Luce LCSW on Aug 26, 2012 in From Both Sides of the Couch

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/both-sides-the-couch/201208/contemplating-suicide-no-wayunderstand-unless-youve-been-there

Ive written about suicide before but with the tragic death of Tony Scott a week ago, it
seems necessary to write about it again. Mr. Scott, a well-known film director, jumped
from the Vincent Thomas Bridge in San Pedro, California last Sunday.
A friend of mine posted a blog that appeared on Salon.com titled, Suicide isnt
painless. In it he writes, Those who have never felt those moments of hopelessness
cant understand what they are like.
To read the post in its entirety, go to this link:
http://www.salon.com/2012/08/24/suicide_isnt_painless/ (link is external)
I highly recommend it.

As I read Mr. Browns piece, I felt a shotgun-like blast of cold air hit me. I recalled the
three separate times I attempted to kill myself in the years from when I was 25 years old
to 32. The injuries ranged from superficial to requiring emergency medical intervention.
At that time when the awareness settled in my brain that I was going to live, trickling like
the first drizzle of raindrops before the storm, I felt sad and confused. When the full
realization broke though the mist, my insides churned and twisted with anger.
Outwardly, because I was among people I managed to remain calm.
When my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December of 2001, she was
given three to six months to live. In the same systematic way that she had gone about
her life, she went about finalizing the business of death. She purchased a plot in a
Jewish cemetery near where my brother and I lived. Casually, she told me that she
bought the plot next to her for me. I was puzzled but didnt say anything.
After her death I found out from a close friend of hers the reason for this unexplained
acquisition. We were having coffee at her kitchen table one winter afternoon. Gerri,
Nadia said gently. Your mother never stopped believing that you would eventually
commit suicide. She lived in constant terror.
A clear advantage that having continually fantasized about, and attempted suicide
multiple times is that when my patients allow me access into their wounded psyche,
telling me through their tears and trembling bodies that they feel hopeless and helpless
and dont know if they can go on, I understand. I know the powerful call tempting them
to yield to oblivion, the feeling that the hands on the clock have reversed direction; time
is going backwards, because living every minute is full of painful anguish.
Suicide can be seductive. Being crushed by depression, killing oneself can seem like
the only escape from unrelenting physical and psychic pain. Convincing one to stay in
this world that seems to consist only of an unrelenting darkness is a difficult task.
I cant tell my patients about my history. Self-disclosure at this juncture isnt
appropriate. But I do tell my patient that she is not alone; I emphasize that we she
and I - are in this together and that the thoughts and the depression will pass. If she has

a plan or if she cant commit to safety until our next appointment, then I will hospitalize
her.
Often I will surprise my patients by seeming to read their minds; what I am actually
doing is verbalizing some of the thoughts and feelings that many suicidal patients tend
to experience. I have firsthand knowledge of these because I felt them as well when I
was suicidal. Im a burden to my family. Theyd be better off without me. Stunned,
they ask through their tears How do you know that? And I reiterate that they are not
as alone as they believe.
Talking openly about suicide with my patients does not increase the likelihood that they
will follow through. Studies suggest the opposite. I encourage them to talk freely. I may
ask a few questions. But mostly I listen. Intently.
When I was finally able to share my fantasies and thoughts about suicide in the
therapeutic office which I had come to know as a safe place with a non-judgmental
person, I felt incredibly relieved. Bringing a taboo subject out into the open decreased
the intensity of my urge to go through with the plan I had so carefully crafted.
Today, nineteen years after my last suicide attempt, killing myself is no longer an
option. The thoughts and my old plan may creep into my brain during minutes or hours
of distress and sadness, but I no longer want to die. During my recent anorexic relapse,
I would often experience chest pains and other symptoms that mimicked a heart attack.
I was so terrified of dying in my sleep that I would take myself to the emergency room to
prevent that from happening.
Richard Brown (the author of the post Suicide isnt painless the link is above) refers
to William Styrons memoir Darkness Visible in his opening paragraph. When my
patients depressive symptoms are alleviated to the point where they are able to read, I
recommend this slim volume. Mr. Styron is an eloquent writer and he captures the
elusive essence of an intractable depression and its fundamental nature as no one else
has been able to do.

Its ironic that my favorite passage in the book contains a sentence that Mr. Styron
credits to another writer. Mr. Styron is walking through the woods and spots a
spectacular flock of geese flying high above the foliage. This specific line of
Baudelaires that comes to his mind, pushes through his hazy consciousness. I have
felt the wind of the wing of madness.