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Table of contents
This Values thing
Chapter 1: Why do values matter so much?
Chapter 2: The unconscious biases that might convince us
(prematurely) about the other persons values
Chapter 3: So how do you manage this values issue?
(Four critical questions you must answer as you observe your
love interest)

Chapter 4: The C.E.W Formula

Chapter 5: Working through your differences
Chapter 6: One final thought on values and differences
Chapter 7: Finding your Yoke buddy
Chapter 8: Sowhere do you go from here?

To God through whom all wisdom flows.

For my wonderful wife Bukkya powerful evidence of Gods love for me,
a great reason to wake up every day, and for my brother Mayowa who
has been a source of great strength...my brother in every sense of the
word

This VALUES thing

The degree to which values are understood,
defined and shared in relationship, is the degree
to which it will either be a fulfilling relationship or a
frustrating one.
Tobi Atte

www.ijustmetme.com

This Values thing

The process of understanding, defining and sharing values can be the

difference between the destruction of a relationship, or its growth.
How do you do it though? How do you determine if your values are
aligned with the person you are interested in? How do you keep the
values aligned well into the relationship and into marriage?
Is there something that people in thriving relationships and marriages
know that others dont know? Is there a formula?
As a relationship coach, I get many questions about the issue of
values. It is a major concern for singles who are carefully trying to
navigate the waters of suitors or options; its a concern for couples
who are realizing that they may not share the same values to the
degree they thought; and its a concern for married couples who
want to know each other on a deeper level.
Whether you are single, dating, courting or married, this book is an
important read.
Singles will be able to understand themselves better. Theyll be
better prepared to avoid being blindsided by the attraction
phase of relationships.
Couples will have the right guide to evaluate both their personal and
collective values to ensure that they are aligned.

This Values thing

At the end of this book, couples will have an incredible resource

to guide the conversation about how they want their relationship
to work for each others happiness, or they will have the right
perspective that will help them realize that they are not right for
each other.
Married couples will also get a whole lot out of this book. Many
married couples dont have a guide to help them discover more
about each others values. They consistently find themselves at
odds about unmet expectations but dont have a guide to share
values and expectations so that it is clear.
In each case, the concern is validbecause:

The degree to which values are understood,

defined and shared in a relationship, is the
degree to which it will either be a fulfilling
relationship or a frustrating one.
Tobi Atte

www.ijustmetme.com

Chapter 1
Why do values matter so much?

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Why do values matter so much?

Think of your phone or electronic device. It is meaningful to you not

because of the shell it is in but because of the programs and code
that have been written in it. Its those programs that make the
phone operate the way it does.
If you push this button, X happens. In Y situation, C happens. If
there is a combination of A, X, and Y situations, then B happens.
They are rules that get executed automatically.
Thats how our values operate. Our values are like programs. They
are our innate rules of operation. Its how we DO life. They are
(mostly) unconscious rules that we have given ourselves that
determine how we engage with or respond to life every day.
Our values (especially our core values) is how we DO
life.
Have you ever downloaded a program or app to your phone,
computer, tablet and the new program crashed your device, wiped
out vital information or made changes to the way you had things
set up before?
It can be really frustrating. You knowwhere the addition of that
new program changes the color, moves things around or turns
some other function off? The frustration comes especially since the
new program was probably installed to affect something completely
separate.
Yea the rules (values) in the newly added program did not gel with
the preexisting ones. There was an override. You installed it for
something else but in order to perform that function, it needed a
certain environment so it overrode some other existing function(s).
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Why do values matter so much?

Why did it override?

You gave permission.

Most of the time when you download an app, you must give
permission for that app to do certain things like access your contact
list, access your social media account, affect the font on your device,
or some other function.
There is also the Terms and Conditions section that we usually
dont bother reading or evaluating because our friends are using the
program/app and because we assume that the makers of this new
app have good intentions but

Good intentions are not good enough to make a

relationship work

and
Just because a type of program/app is working for
others doesnt mean itll work for your
device.because those people dont have all the
other programs that YOU have on your device.
They dont have the same values.the same way that:

Just because a type of relationship/person is

working for others doesnt mean itll work for your
lifebecause those relationships/people dont
have all the other values that YOU have in your life
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Why do values matter so much?

The thing about Permissions and agreeing to Terms and

Conditions

The thing about permissions and agreeing to terms and conditions is

that we are so anxious to get what we want that we dont take the
time to think about what we may have to give up to get it.
We are so focused on the End Feature in a program or app that we
dont take time to think about how the programming in the app (all
the rules, design elements, lines of coding and values) will work with
our existing device and all its existing rules, existing programs, design
elements, lines of coding and values. No surprise when there is a
crash.
So what does this have to do with relationships?
Well, EVERYTHING.

Thats very similar to how it often plays out in relationships. Many of

us start relationships thinking that the person is simply to come into
our life and make us feel good, take care of us and perform certain
functions in our lives without disrupting the existing environment or
values we operated with before.
Then we start realizing that its a give and takethat we have to let go
of some values and negotiate others. We start to realize (even more
importantly) how devoted we are to some of our own existing values
(Both Good and Bad ones)

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Why do values matter so much?

You see, when we are single, our core values operate without too
much interference from other peoples values. We are able to
maintain a values territory for ourselves. We move towards the
situations that agree with our values and we stay away from the
ones that dont. Our values are rarely challenged.
We are not forced into situations where we really have to fight for
our values or have to give them up. We watch the movies we like,
and dont watch the ones we dislike. We go to church where we
want to and we eat at the types of restaurants we want to.
Our values are never really challenged.
But you see, values are important. I know that sounds clich but I am
talking about this from a deeper place.
How so? Because in working with couples and observing others, I
discovered that:
Most people I meet who are struggling in their relationships
because of value differences cant believe they are in that situation!
They are SHOCKED that they dont see eye to eye anymore because
not too long ago, they could have sworn they shared the same
values and had the same value systems!
How could this be? How could they have changed so quickly?
Have you ever found yourself asking yourself How can a couple be
in divorce court 2 years after marriage stating irreconcilable
differences as the reason to go their separate ways? Or maybe you
are in a relationship wondering how you went from being sappy love
birds to animals clawing at each others jugulars
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Why do values matter so much?

That is the reality for many couples.

I have also found out that:
While it is important that couples share core values at the
beginning, thats not enough, they must have the flexibility to
evolve and change with each other as those values may (more than
likely) change or evolve.
You see, I realized that its one thing to have perfectly aligned
values at the beginning of a relationship but as they say,

The only thing constant in life is change

If that is true (and it is) then we must not only direct our energy to
making sure we start the relationship correctly, but we must ensure
that we give room for change and embrace it knowing that many
parameters will change over time.
That got me thinking. There must be a better way to help people
see more clearly at the beginning of the relationship.

Understanding, Defining and Sharing Values

is serious stuff.

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Why do values matter so much?

First, here are some characteristics of your core values

you should know when it comes to relationships

They are unconscious: Once you have them , they no longer need
your permission to operate
They are stronger than you think
They show up in your life every day and everywhere.
There are core values you hold that you may not identify until
they are tested and challenged
In order for relationships to work, you must share some core
values but you must be willing to let go or adjust some as well
(its just a matter of which)

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Chapter 2
The unconscious biases that
might convince us
(prematurely) about the other
persons values

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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

Have you ever been there?

Have you ever met someone and thought Wow! They have such
great values and great character! or on the flip side, have you ever
judged someone too quicklywritten their character off and then
they surprise you in a positive way?
Well, HOW did you come to that first conclusion? How did you figure
that they had or didnt have the right values in the first place?
While you may be right in your analysis of that person, it is important
to be aware of some biases that may prematurely affect our
assessment of people. Here are a few:
The Halo Effect:

The halo effect (1) is a cognitive bias in which an observer's overall

impression of a person, company, brand, or product influences the
observer's feelings and thoughts about that entity's character or
properties. It was named by psychologist Edward Thorndike
In other words, our general impression (She is friendly) impacts our
judgment of that persons specific character traits (We may then
assume for example that she is also patient, great at relationships and
kind)
Have you ever looked at a celebrity and said I like her or He looks
so smart. Celebrities are a great example of the halo effect at work.
Since we perceive them as successful, attractive, flawless, great
dressers, funny etc., we may also think they are kind, clean, would
make great lovers, or would be great to hang out withand of
course thats not always the case.

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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

The problem with the halo effect (as you can probably see already) is
that it can be very misleading. To our own detriment, we may
ascribe some great traits to someone without actually seeing or
experiencing those traits, and for reasons that we cant even explain.
Now, sometimes we are right, many times we are wrong and quite
often we may just be less right than we thought. (They have the
great trait but not to the degree we thought)
Its important for you to know that your unconscious self (the part of
you that is on auto pilot) may be making some assessments in YOUR
head about others WITHOUT your permission.
Thats why self-awareness is critical. We must ensure that we are
aware of our emotions, motives and values. We must ensure that we
are able to have objective conversations with ourselves.
Think about that for a moment.
You see, even though the trigger or spark may be unconscious, we
must behave consciously.

Even though the THOUGHT may be

unconscious, our BEHAVIOR must be
conscious. ~Tobi Atte
That doesnt mean that all our decisions have to be logical and
mathematical. It just means that even when we make emotional
decisions, we should try to own it as opposed to always just letting
our actions be high jacked by our thoughts and feelings.

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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

Reverse Halo Effect:

You guessed ityup. Its the evil twin of the halo effect.
Its when people allow an undesirable trait to influence their
evaluation of other traits (2)
You see, with the halo effect that we just looked at, our general
positive impression of someone makes us automatically assign
specific positive traits to that person.
With the reverse-halo effect however, our general negative
impression of someone makes us automatically assign specific
negative traits to that person. We say Hes not successful He must
also be lazy. Or we meet someone who is budget conscious and we
say they are cheap.
You will be amazed at how many great people you have come across in
your life that you wrote off too quickly.

Weve all been there. We ascribe negative traits to someone without

actually seeing or experiencing them and for reasons we cant even
explain.
Unfortunately, this probably happens more often than we realize or
are willing to admit.

Things like our culture, family background, religious teachings, social

class and environment all play a role in this.
Think about how people in your social class view people in other social
classes. How does your culture view people in other cultures?
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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

Dont judge too quickly. Do less of sizing people up prematurely. You

just never know.
You should be especially careful about this because:
1) Even when the other person doesnt know that we have judged
them, we ourselves lose out on the opportunity to have great
people in our lives and especially singles folks, you lose the chance
for what could have been a great opportunity for something more
2) In the event that the other person knows or senses that we
judged them negatively too quickly, we end up tearing them
down. Furthermore, while we may not end up with the people
we hurt, they end up with other people.
Here is a link to a really powerful two part article series that I wrote on
my blog about that:
http://ijustmetme.com/2014/05/dont-pre-qualify-your-lead/
Think about people like Joseph in the Bible ...slave boy
before becoming a prime minister. Look at David too in the Bible.
Shepherd boy before becoming King. What about Dwayne The Rock
Johnson failing to get into the National Football League (NFL), moving
back in with his parent with only $7 to his name and having to restart
his life.
What about Sylvester Stallone who was once homeless
before hitting it big with the movie ROCKY; Or John Paul DeJoria of
John Paul Mitchell (The hair product line) who hawked the product
door to door many years ago and lived in his car.
These were people that looked like failures at some point in their lives
but not because they were lazy.
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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

Fundamental Attribution Error

This is people's tendency to place an undue emphasis on internal

characteristics to explain someone else's behavior in a given
situation, rather than considering external factors. (3) It was coined
by Psychologist Lee D. Ross.
So for example, as you turn your car to enter your street, your
neighbor cuts you off and forces you to slam your brakes. You shake
your head and call that neighbor an inconsiderate reckless driver.
You get home and someone tells you the neighbor just rushed his
wife to the hospital to deliver a baby. At that moment, you realize
that if you were in the same shoes, you would have done the same
thing. You realize that you misjudged the internal character of that
person.
Or for example, your date was late to pick you up. You had your
make up done and had to sit and wait for him for a while. He finally
gets here and the date is bland. You think He has no manners and
he is boring when the truth is that he almost cancelled the date but
decided not to. He had a really rough one at work that day and his
boss made a fool out of him. However he decided to still come out
rather than stand you up.
This is the same reason we blame people for the bad things that
happen to them that may have been outside of their control (Social
psychologists call this Blaming the victim). For example, blaming a
burglary victim for being careless, and ignoring the factors that
were outside of the victims control. In other words, we say that the
reason this bad event happened, is because of the negative
character trait in that person...and the truth may have been that it
was also largely due to circumstantial issues.
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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

The flip side of the fundamental attribution error that is rarely talked
about but I think is worth mentioning, is that sometimes, we assign
positive character traits to someone because of an event that has
nothing to with the persons actual character.
We see a man opening the passenger door for a woman and we think
Wow he is a nice guy when in actuality, she is his boss, he is her
driver and he is paid to do that. What he did was nice but it had
very little to do with his character.
The Actor Observer bias (4)

This is the non-identical twin of the fundamental attribution error.

This is very similar to the fundamental attribution error but different
in two main ways.
While the fundamental attribution error is about how we judge
others, the actor-observer bias is about how we judge ourselves
With the fundamental attribution error, we often ignore the
circumstances that surround a persons behavior, and make a quick
judgment about them. (Like quickly calling the neighbor who cut you
off on the way to the hospital an inconsiderate reckless driver)
However, with the actor-observer bias for ourselves, we are not so
quick to negatively judge ourselvesinstead, we suddenly become
quite capable of taking all the circumstantial elements into
consideration.
We tell ourselves that we got into that accident NOT because we
were careless or reckless but because there was a slight fog, the sun
was in our eye and the other driver was impatient
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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

Salience

The Salience of an object is the state or quality by which it stands out

relative to its neighbors (5)
So the saliency of that thing or person is that quality that allows them to
be different or to be most easily told apart. So picture a bright yellow
shirt in the midst of black shirts. The color yellow is what quickly sets that
shirt apart.
Here is the issue though

Just because something stands out doesnt

mean it stands right. Sure they grabbed your
attentionbut you should quickly determine if
you should give it. Tobi Atte
You see, when something stands out, its hard to ignore. The problem is
that the REASON that thing/person stands out may not be a reason that
has to do with how right that person is, but simply based on the fact that
it is different when compared to its surroundings.
If you put that bright yellow shirt in the midst of other bright yellow
shirts, it loses its salience. It loses that very thing that sets it apart and
suddenly, it cant hold our attention any longer.

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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

Same is true of relationships.

Think about these statements:
He approached me like no one has ever approached me before
She is just different from all the ladies I have dated
He/She doesnt have this behavior that people in my culture have

Different is good. But be careful not to place value on someone simply

because they are so different (from what you are used to, other
people in your town, the type of person your friends are dating etc.) or
did something to grab your attention, that you dont stop for a second
to think about WHY they grabbed your attention or if you should
continue giving your attention to that person/situation.

Make sure that the one that grabbed your

attention is actually right for you.

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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

The Me Too! Effect

Think back to the beginning of your current or last relationship.

Specifically the talking phase. Long conversations on the phonelate
nights talking about earth shattering issues and solving all the worlds
problems over Skype. Remember that phase?
Well, as I thought about how we determine the character of someone
we are interested in, I couldnt help thinking about that phase and what
I call the Me Too! Effect
Let me break it down.
You see, most attraction is unconscious. So, most times, we cant really
pin-point why we are attracted to someone in the first place. Most
times, we just realize that we are.
What happens next though is that our conscious mind now steps in to
try to justify what we are unconsciously feeling already. So it starts to
look for proof or verification of why you are feeling what you are
feeling. Thats where the Me Too effect comes in. Its when we are
constantly looking for similarities we share in order to justify what we
are already feeling.
So that person says they are family oriented, or that they have a
passion for helping people and you clutch your chest and say awwww
meee toooo!. He or she confesses their love for spending quality
time and you say wow...me too

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The unconscious biases that might convince us (prematurely) about the other persons values

One more thing on that

You see, in that talking phase when we are attracted to someone, we
talk in a tone that guides the conversation to (a) create opportunities
for us to speak positively about ourselves and (b) elicit the responses
we want to hear from the other person.
So through many conversations, you keep hearing or feeling Me
Too! So for example, someone says to you:
The environment is so important that there should be stricter laws
right?
Even if protecting the environment is not a core value for you, you
instinctively feel like responding YES. So what just happened?

a) The person spoke in a way to create a positive impression of

themselves
b)They spoke in a way to elicit the response they wanted to hear (They
wanted you to express Me Too! to confirm to themselves that you
share their values)
c) Youbecause you like them, responded in a way to show that you
share those values (You expressed Me Too! to confirm to them that
you share the same values)

The problem with the Me Too! effect is that we are

not very good at separating the values we ASPIRE to
have from the ones we ACTUALLY haveso when
someone says they have a value we aspire to have,
we seek to meet them on that level so we say (or
express) that we have that value too.
Tobi Atte
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Chapter 3
So how do you manage this
values issue?

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So how do you manage this values issue?

How do you navigate the waters then? How do you understand their
values to see if they fit with yours? What are some important things to
know about values that will help you figure this out?
Here are a few:
It all begins with you: Understanding your own core values

You cant find out if someone shares the same values as you if you
dont know what your own core values are. Who are you? Not who
would you like to be or who have you been in the past but really, who
are you?
This thing called being alive how do you do it? How does the
human experience show up in your life? Im not talking about cute but
vague phrases like I see the glass half full. NO.
I am asking about the daily, constant and consistent behaviors, beliefs,
and values that not only shape your life but rule it.
You need this information. You need to understand yourself first.
Why though? Why is it important to know yourself first?
Well, because even if you find someone who is great. Someone who
meets all your requirements and makes your list look like peanuts;
its going to take the other half of the equation to make the
relationship work. YOU!
Yeaeven if you meet this awesome person with great values, that
person cant operate in a void. Those values they have are activated or
stifled by YOUR core values. They have to gel with yours.
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So how do you manage this values issue?

Know thyself ~ Socrates

Be willing to identify the values you ACTUALLY have, and separate
them from the values you ASPIRE to have.

I admitthis is a lot harder than it sounds. I know that.

When I was courting my wife, I know that I tried to portray the new
age man that I aspired to be. You know, that untraditional man that
does dishes, scrubs bathrooms, cooks and sees his wife as more than
an accessory. (I am happy to report that according to my wife, I am
doing excellent!)
However, the other part that was perhaps not as obvious then, is that
while I can be very new-age in many areas, I am still very traditional
and in the beginning, in retrospect, I may have unconsciously put
those traditional traits in the background under the assumption that
the traditional part was perhaps not as attractive to her.
Thankfully, my wife is also very traditional in many ways too so it
works out just right. Phew!

This is one of the most honest and necessary conversations we must

have with ourselves. I have seen that it is VERY easy to portray or
convince ourselves that we have values that are merely an aspiration,
perhaps because of how alluring those values are. Everyone likes to
see themselves in a good light.

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So how do you manage this values issue?

Think about it. Try it out. Ask anyone if they think they are kind,
motivated or sincere. Ask them if they value family, ambition,
productivity, excellence, protecting the environment, helping the
poor, or any other positive value you can think of.
What do you think they are going to say? Most likely, YES! and you
would too.
Save yourself some disappointment. Start first by trying to understand
YOUR OWN CORE VALUES as we talked about earlier, and then take
the extra step to separate the core values you actually have, from the
ones that you simply aspire to haveor at least be honest with
yourself and determine how much of those values you really have.
This will prevent you from falsely advertising yourself and it will
prevent you from putting yourself in Me Too! moments that can be
costly later on.
Observe that persons behavior in his/her natural environment
(become a fly on the wall)

Have you ever been to a really good Zoo? Youll see animals in their
natural habitat or at least a version that is as close to the real deal as
possible.
Why?
Because part of the experience...part of understanding these animals
is not just seeing what they look like, but HOW they BEHAVE. How
they DO life. Thats what amazes us in the Zoo. Thats what helps
zoologists study animals and its no different for you.

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So how do you manage this values issue?

Now, please dont go kidnapping your love interests and putting

them in cages in the name of observation. Thats not what I am
talking about here.
Dont go stalking them either. You know showing up at weird
times and places to spy on them. You didnt get the permission to
be awkward from me.
What I am talking about is being able to answer 4 critical questions
as you observe your love interest or even your significant other.
1) Who are they outside of me?
Yes when that person is with you, they are patient, loving, speak
politely, have big dreams and so on. But who are they when you are
not with them ...when they are in their own natural environment?
Family, friends, school, work, sports teams they belong to, etc.
Are the things they do outside of their pursuit of you consistent
with who they are when they are with you?
What does their family think of them, the teams they belong to and
so on?
When you are not physically together, how do they spend their own
time? Is it in a constructive way? When they are not with you, are
they doing the things they say they love to do? Are they working on
the dreams they sold you on?
Sure they dont mind going to an art gallery you picked out to hang
out for the day but where would they hang out if you werent in the
picture or werent free that day?

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So how do you manage this values issue?

2) Who were they before I met them?

This is talking about the consistent habits that ruled their lives starting
from before they met you. How often did they do xyz (church, gym,
drink, give to the poor, shop, pray, paint, party, play sports, get into
trouble, and so on).
What was consistent? How did they do life before they met you? This is
true for both the positive values and the negative ones.

Many people are so carried away (especially with new positive values) with
the notion that someone started (or is doing) something because of
them but its often overrated. He started painting when he met me. She
started going to church when she met me. Thats great but that doesnt
help you see if they OWN the decision to do that thing or be that person
outside of you. If you broke up right now, would they still do those things
or be that person consistently?
Now this is not something you go into, trying to compare what they
consistently did (before you met or started a relationship), to what you
would like them to consistently do. Unless there is a non-negotiable habit
you see, this is something you do simply to observe to get to know them
for who they are.
This is not necessarily the point where you say this person prays too little
or spends too much time in the gym for me because like youll see
below, WHY and HOW people do things is often more important than
WHAT they do.
So since you dont have the why or the how, dont judge yet. This question
is more for observatory purposes at this point. (Again unless you already
spot a real deal breaker)
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So how do you manage this values issue?

3) WHY and HOW?

Dont focus on WHAT people say they have, do, can do, want to do etc.
but focus on WHY and even more importantly, HOW. HOW they have,
do, can do, and want to do those things. You want to understand the
rationale (where their heart is) behind what they say and the process
behind getting those things done (to see if they have the capacity-or at
least the real desire-to follow through)
You may read that and say is that realistic? Most people dont know
(or can't really articulate) why they do what they do or why they feel
the way they feel. How can they figure out the why of other people?
Actions speak louder than words, but motives dont speak at all. So
how can I measure anything by the motives? Id say surebut
while actions speak louder than words,
motives speak deeper than words ~ Tobi Atte
especially when there is no chance to observe action yet. So
yea...sometimes youre able to simply observe the persons actions
right away but sometimes, there is no opportunity to observe actions
just yet. Motives can certainly stand in the gap in the meantime.
You see, actions tell you WHAT someone is doing but doesnt tell you
about WHO the person is or about the persons character.
So someone says they care about eliminating world poverty. Thats
great! But seek to understand WHY. What drives that desire? What is
motivating that person? What is the rationale behind that desire to be
with you, eliminate poverty, run for president, start a business,
become a preacher, start a blog or join a gym?
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So how do you manage this values issue?

Looknot everybody will know (or be able to articulate) the deep

conscious-earth moving reason why they do what they do or
aspire to do what they want to do. Sometimes, they will just have
the plain simple-non glamorous answer and thats ok too. So
interrogating them about their motives and rationale wont do you
any good.
The most important thing here is that you have the awareness to
keep an eye and ear out for those motives that can give a glimpse
into their character and values.

The next thing you want to decipher is the intended HOW. How
exactly do they plan to do this thing? Or HOW is it that they
currently do or have this thing?
So back to our friend who wants to eliminate world poverty. Try and
understand HOW they plan to do that. By giving? By actually going to
third world countries? By volunteering for mission trips? or they plan
to eliminate global poverty only by reading blogs about world
poverty?
It is important to note here that your job is not necessarily to vet the
soundness of someone elses dreams or to determine if their
motives or even their plan of execution is sound. You dont have
enough information and you almost certainly dont have the right at
this stage (If ever).
Why is the above note important? Well because we can quickly get
very critical of others forgetting that we ourselves are imperfect.
We ourselves dont always have the perfect motives, aspirations,
execution plans and dont always execute our plans perfectly either.
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So how do you manage this values issue?

So observe but dont be critical.

Not everyone knows or has found their passion, purpose or thing.
Heckmaybe youre the one thats supposed to help bring it out of
that person and help that thing flourish!
This question is very important in situations where someone you are
interested in or in a relationship with says they have a passion for
something. This is especially critical if:
a) Its something you are also passionate about and/or ;
b) Its a passion that will affect the nature of the relationship
(Distance, finances, time, danger, risk etc)
4) Is there current evidence of future desires?
It is always hard to predict how well someone will do or how they
will turn out in the future. God is orchestrating our lives in such a
beautiful way that we cant (and really shouldnt try to) predict who
will turn out ok (especially because the very definition of OK varies
for everyone).
All we can do is try really hard to accomplish the goals we set out for
ourselves and while we cannot always predict who will accomplish
their own goals, we can at least see if the behaviors are in place for
God to water.
Think about it. Our friend above wants to eliminate world poverty
but spends excessively and on impulseor someone who swears
they are building the next Apple Corporation but always seems to
have free time to goof around?

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So how do you manage this values issue?

Sure that person may not be all they can be yet. They may not have
arrived but you can see if they are at least on a journey. You can see if
there is current evidence in their lives and how they DO life today, that is
in alignment with what they are adamant that they want to be, do, or
have.
Note that I am not even talking about evidence of resultsI am talking
about evidence of effort.
In other words, when it comes to observing values, dont just look at how
many of their revolutionary product being made in the basement have
been sold yet, how many books theyve sold, how much money they are
making , how many record deals they have on the table or how many
offices have been opened.

This is not just about measuring peoples achievement

or speed towards achievement. Its also critical to look
at the effort and opportunity cost it has taken to pursue
that interest. ~ Tobi Atte
Lastly, you might say what if someone hasnt really started yet? Well,
sure they may not have turned their garage into a manufacturing plant
yet but talk to them for 5 minutes and they would have nearly bored you
talking about this idea, statistics about that industry or details of a grand
plan and youll know that the wheels are already turning even though
there are no major results yet.
Talk to that person about eliminating world poverty and if it is something
that is truly meaningful to them and a true value system, you will see it
showing up in their life. Talk to them for a few minutes and you will be
able to hold an engaging conversation about it.
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Chapter 4
The C.E.W Formula

TM

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The C.E.W Formula

Over the years, I have spoken with a lot of people and spoken at
several events on relationships, and the more I think about what it
takes to understand, define and share values, the more I realize that
there are basically three characteristics of our indicated shared
values that determine how our relationships turn out.
Once you feel that there might be some possibilities that you share
some values, or even when there is just an interest, it might be useful
to apply the C.E.W Formula

CONTEXT . EXPRESSION . WEIGHT

Thats the formula I developed for understanding, defining and sharing
values and I know its going to help you.
Here we go:
CONTEXT

This answers the question Are we talking about the same thing?
This deals with the context in which we define the values we say we
have. Sometimes we are too carried away by the Me Too! Effect that
we dont stop to verify that we are even talking about the same thing.
Think of this statement:
I think Jesus is amazing
One context can be I think he is amazing because He came from
Heaven, lived as a man, taught us how to live, and died for our
sins.
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The C.E.W Formula

Another context can be:

I dont believe in him as the savior of my soul but I have studied
great men in history and he is one of my favorite historical figures.
In fact, he is part of my Ph.D. thesis.
You see, the statement was the same for both people but they
were talking about two different contexts.
Same thing applies when you identify a value. Take a moment to
make sure that you are actually talking about the same thing and
that you understand how you both define that value.
EXPRESSION

This answers the question HOW do you consistently carry out

this value?. This deals with the expression of the value.

Think of this value statement:

I am a Christian
One expression of that value could be:
I believe Jesus died for my sins and I go to church 4 times a week,
I lead Bible study and I lead the choir. I also fast 4 days a week and
tithe 15% instead of 10%!
Another expression could be
I believe Jesus died for my sins and I go to church once in a while,
as often as I can. I read the Bible somewhat often and I dont really
do much in terms of activities outside of Sunday service. I think
fasting is good but I rarely do it
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The C.E.W Formula

One is not necessarily better than the other because our salvation
is not only determined by the magnitude of our activities, but it is
worth mentioning that the difference in expression of these values if
not properly managed can almost make it seem as if they dont even
share those values at all!
Now, you dont have to express your values in the exact same way for
your relationship to work (Thank goodness right!!)
No not at all.
However, it is important that you dont have false expectations and
its important that you are at least somewhat informed about what
(and who) you are getting yourself involved with.

Remember also that when you are answering a HOW question, you
are looking for process and evidence so it may not be useful to only
ask someone how they express their value but as we talked about
earlier, you want observe them.
WEIGHT

This answers the question How important is this to you? This deals
with the rank of the value.
Think of this statement:
Fitness is important to me
That could rank number 2 on a persons core value list and it could
rank number 10! (1 being most important and 10 being least
important)
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The C.E.W Formula

Ranking number 2 could mean that compared to other values,

fitness will always find a way to come out on top.
You knowthat person that works overtime at their job and still
finds a way to go to the gym 4 days a week but doesnt have
much time to attend the fun circus all seven days its in town.
Ranking number 10 could mean that stacked against other values,
when push comes to shove, when time, money and other
resources are in short supply, fitness takes a back seat.

So then you enter a relationship and realize that the other person
is not really doing that thing or acting on that value as much as
you thought or with the intensity you were expecting.
Well, sometimes they were telling the truth when they said that
value was importantthey werent lyingwe just didnt really
take a look at HOW important it was.
So for example, they werent lying when they said they had that
value, we just assumed it ranked high when it actually ranked
much lower for them.
You can apply this formula to anything and any value system you
are both talking about.
Whether its a new relationship or even a marriage, The C.E.W is
certainly a conversation format you can employ to talk about your
values.

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Chapter 5
Working through your
differences

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Working through your differences

It is VERY important that you understand that differences are not

necessarily a bad thing.

It is our differences that make us useful to one

another
Ill never forget those words (and neither should you) as they rolled
off the tongue of my college president during a speech in college.
Yes, while it is important to make sure that our core values are similar
and that we are heading in the right direction with our significant
other, it is also important not to go looking for your twin to enter a
relationship with.
You dont want to be in a relationship with someone who is exactly
like you.

You need healthy difference.

WHAT are healthy differences?

Lets use the C.E.W Formula as a basis.

When it comes to healthy differences, the area of most flexibility is
the EXPRESSION, followed by the WEIGHT. There really isnt too much
flexibility in CONTEXT.
In other words, a difference in expression is manageable; a difference
in weight is somewhat manageable; but a difference in context is
often not manageable. There must be alignment in context.

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Working through your differences

One healthy difference is a scenario where even though the

expression (HOW we carry out the value) may somewhat differ, the
context (The MEANING of the value) and the weight (How
IMPORTANT the value is to each person) are the same (or at least
close)
Another healthy difference scenario is when one of the other persons
values is not one that you both share but doesnt oppose your own
core values.
Once you really share the same core values with someone, its ok to
embrace the difference in the EXPRESSION of those (and other) values
WHY are healthy differences ok (and even needed)?

Healthy differences help us understand each other even more

deeply
John and Rita are in a relationship. They both love fitness and both
love to challenge their bodies and break a major sweat. However,
John loves the gym environment and Rita loves mountain climbing
and hiking.
When Rita is hiking she is a completely different person.
She is a master of that environment and there are things about Rita
that John would never really know until he experiences that
environment with her. Why? Because we are completely different
people when we are in the zone...in our area of mastery. We operate
from a higher place. John will see a side of Rita that only comes out
when she is expressing her passion.
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Working through your differences

Healthy differences give an opportunity for us to add value to

each other
She is a master in that environment and there are fitness (and life)
principles that Rita can help show and teach John. She can educate
him about nature and help him achieve a level of endurance that the
gym environment cannot offer, and vice versa.
Or think about when its not even within the same shared value. One
person is into the arts, the other is into the sciences. So the artist
helps make the scientists work more beautiful, and the scientist
helps add structure to the artists work.
Healthy differences prevent over-compromising

Have you ever heard that Relationships are about compromise? It is

truebut you must be careful to what degree you have to
compromise and what you have to compromise on.
Healthy differences in the expression or execution of values prevent
over-compromising. Even if they have to alternate between hiking
and going to the gym, John and Rita never have to really overcompromise when it comes to fitness because they are still operating
in the same core value of fitness.

Its easier to alternate between outdoor hiking and

indoor gym, than between physical activity and
pigging out at the buffet.

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Working through your differences

Healthy differences give each person an opportunity for

personal development
You cant give what you dont have. You cant help motivate,
encourage, push, enlighten, educate or grow the other person if you
do not have those things or have a way to feel those things for
yourself

Three closing thoughts on differences:

Healthy difference ensure that even if your paths

and methods are different, your goal and ultimate
destination is the same

Dont penalize someone just because they are not

exactly like you
Healthy differences help us GROW each other.

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Chapter 6
One final thought on values and
differences:
Be flexible. Values can
changeeven yours

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Be flexible. Values can changeeven yours

As much as you want to do your due diligence and ensure that

there is alignment of both of your value systemsas much as you
want to make sure that you are not just swept away blindly and
misdiagnosing your affection for some short lived psychological
bias, you also want to remember (importantly) that values can
changeeven yours!

Be flexible.
Even after the preliminary investigation, even after you both
pass the values compatibility test, LIFE HAPPENS! Events, people,
situations come up that can alter and change our values, and we
need to be open to that.
This can happen to one person in the relationship and it can
happen to both of you at the same time.

Again, be flexible.

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Chapter 7
Finding your Yoke buddy

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Finding your Yoke buddy

If you have spent 37 seconds in a singles fellowship, you have

probably heard this verse before

2nd Corinthians 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked

with unbelievers
But what does it REALLY mean to not be unequally yoked? What
practical knowledge can we extract from that verse aside from the
beaten path of marry a Christian?
There are 3 important concepts in that verse to understand when
it comes to values.
So lets understand this yoke thing first:
The Yoke was used to evenly distribute the weight between two
Oxen as they pulled a wagon or plough. The author of that verse
in the Bible used that great metaphor talking about two oxen
bound together by a yoke as they worked in the field.
Now can you imagine if one Ox is taller, stronger, and faster than
the other? That Ox would carry most of the weight of the plough
and might get over worked and even injured.
Even the shorter, weaker and slower Ox is not spared from
possible injury when the other one gives in to the weight.
Not only that, one Ox moving faster than the other means that
together, they never plough straight! Theyll be going in circles!

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Finding your Yoke buddy

So what are some important takeaways form that verse when it

comes to values?

Relationships take work

The metaphor of two oxen ploughing in the field is not a
coincidence. You must be willing to put in the effort and pull your
own -spiritual, psychical, financial, emotional -weight however
you have agreed to share it. Understanding, defining and sharing
values helps to make sure that you are at least heading in the
same direction so that the work of the relationship is not more
than it should.
Marriage is about pairing for a purpose
There is a bigger reasona greater cause for you to be married to
someone. There is a purpose for which you were brought
together. This is especially true if you are a Christian. God brings
you both together so that your marriage can accomplish certain
things.
Sure, a part of being unequally yoked is marrying someone that
does not share your faith but the other side of that coin is
marrying someone who does not share your purpose or whose
purpose does not work with yours.
The problem is not necessarily the Ox, its the pairing
The issue isnt that one Ox is better than the other. Its not that
taller oxen are better than shorter ones or vice versa. The problem
comes in the improper pairing. Why? Because if you put the short
ox with another short ox, they suddenly make a great pair and are
better yoked.
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Finding your Yoke buddy

Look at that scripture again:

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers
Many Christian singles and couples understand the last two words
really well with unbelievers, but they dont understand the first
part Do not be unequally yoked as well.
They forget that it is very possible to be unequally yoked with
someone who IS actually a believer.
Just because you are a believer and the other person is a believer
does not guarantee that you are both equally yoked. It doesnt
automatically solve the problem of equal yoking. Being equally
yoked in the context of values and marriage means that not only
are you both believers, but you understand, define and share the
values around marriage and its purpose.
Marrying a believer certainly means you are better yoked but to
be equally yoked takes some deeper understanding. So seek that
understanding from God and let him be your guide.
He still speaks

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Finding your Yoke buddy

A note from Christs model

Marriage is made up two imperfect people who are perfect

for each other
I mentioned earlier in the book that your goal is not to find
someone who is exactly like you. Here is one more. Your goal is not
to find the perfect person either. He or She does not exist. In
Christs model, marriage is for two imperfect people who are
perfect for each other because their union moves them both
towards a better version of themselves in Christ. You see,

We often make the mistake of assuming that we

ought to look for someone who is good for us
(and thats true) but we miss the fact that part of
what makes that marriage work is to be with
someone that we are good for too.
So together, we chisel each other and sharpen each other to help
each other become closer and closer to the version God intended
that person to be by BEING an example for that person.
So imperfections are sort of built in to marriages. He helps her
self-control and she helps his faith. She helps his Joy and he helps
her peace

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Finding your Yoke buddy

A non-negotiable: Rom 8:14.

There are very few non-negotiables for the Christian single but
this is one of them. The Bible verse says For as many as are led by
the Spirit of God, they are the sons (And daughters) of God.
This isnt to say that those who are not Christians arent capable or
worthy of love and its not so say that they dont desire to love
deeply with good intentions. It simply means that as a Christian, a
major driving force of your own life is your faith. Its in the drivers
seat and you cant just shush it or drop it off at the next corner so
you can travel solo. It goes everywhere with you. Its the place from
which you DO life.
It WEIGHS a lot for you. It matters, and when someone is not on
that same page with you, it is glaring. The effect is immediate and
its one difference that can quickly put a wrench in the relationship.
So how do you know if someone is a child of God? Ask yourself:
In my interaction and observation of this person, does it seem like
they are LED by the Holy Spirit?
In other words, does this person live as if they are accountable to
the Holy Spirit?
Same goes for you. Make sure you are LED by the Holy Spirit and
make sure that you are accountable as well.
Its also important to say here that its probably a good idea to
practice being led by the spirit in smaller/other areas of your life
before you test it out for marriage
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Chapter 8
Sowhere do you go from here?

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Sowhere do you go from here?

This eBook is part of a larger body of work I am putting together, so

stay tuned!
Writing this book has been meaningful to me and I hope that reading
it has been meaningful to you as well.
So where do you go from here?

You start getting to know yourself. You go on a journey to

understand your values and why you have them in the first place.
If you are married, you have a marriage cuddle session and ask each
other about your values. You seek to understand, define and make
sure that you still share the same values.
For those that you dont share as much as before, (hopefully they
are not life altering-marriage wrecking ones) you figure out how to
manage those differences and turn them into advantages for the
relationship.
The area of relationships is a critical one in our lives and as they say,
if that area is right, life is generally better even if not convenient.
However, if it is wrong, life is worse even with all the convenience
available.
Choose wisely, dont be afraid to find out directly (or indirectly
through observation) about each others values. They are the
engines that run our lives.
Be flexible though.its often our differences that make us
useful to each other.
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Tobi is a licensed life, relationship and

motivational coach. He is the author of
some life changing articles and a sought
after speaker and coach. He helps
people simplify wisdom and makes it
applicable to their lives so they can
discover and become the best version of
themselves.

Enjoyed this? Click HERE

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Citation

Citation

1. Halo Effect. En.wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11 Dec. 2014

2. Reverse Halo Effect. En.wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11 Dec. 2014
3. Fundamental Attribution Error. En.Wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11
Dec. 2014
4. Actor-Observer Bias. En.Wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11 Dec. 2014
5. Salience. En.Wikipedia, n.p n.d Web. 11 Dec. 2014

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