Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
2015
our editor, Claire Paye, on what being a mother at home means to her.
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
they
and their
children are
happy. Similarly,
many mothers at home full time, most of
the time, wouldnt change their lives for
anything. Most of the time I have had
time to be the sort of mother I wanted
to be. Most of the time my children
have been able to take me for granted,
in the best possible way. How tragic for
those who, most of the time, are living
the opposite life to what theyd hoped
for. How sad for the children who, most
of the time, struggle with the
hours their mothers have
to work.
Mothers at Home
Matter campaigns for
families to be able to
live the lives they want
most of the time.
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
ts been an incredible
few weeks in politics,
culminating in the election of
a new leader for the Labour
party. Signs are there will be more
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
community work
is not progress and
neither is uninterrupted paid work the
only modern solution.
We also need robust age
discrimination laws and insightful
employers who dont fixate on gaps in
the CV. Women aged over 40/50 years
old also have a lot to offer for a further
15/20 years of working life.
Equality for All
The new Womens Equality Party
wants equal parenting and caregiving.
However, we believe that in work and
care there is more than one way, and
families are all different. It is more
complex than the number of nappies
changed or the size of the pay cheque.
Number of hours dedicated to paid
work is not necessarily reflected in
weekly earnings. Neither can we claim
to have equality when what happens
behind closed doors may appear fair (for
example a two and a half day week for
both parents) to a casual observer, but
can mask inequalities, or disrespectful
relationships.
We are hopeful that a younger
generation of voters agree that invisible
work matters equally and that penalties
against family responsibilities or
discriminatory attitudes towards
caregivers and dependents (eg punitive
family tax systems, loss of status, denial
of a voice in policy, loss of welfare
and income support) are no longer
acceptable in a civilised, modern society.
We need far more than a one-size-fits-all,
top-down approach. We need to elevate
the status of care.
The Economics of Care
The economics of care is complex
but some things are clear: changing
demographics inevitably means a rise
in costs in health, social care and in
pensions. And in this climate its a puzzle
that the government claims to afford
to further expand childcare provision
to 30 free hours per week, without a
corresponding hike in taxation to help
pay for it all.
The Early Years sector has vociferously
rejected the term free when theres a
shortfall in government funding per
child - and its even likely that rates
charged will have to go up to meet the
additional costs involved. Research
indicates that there are no additional
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Imogen Thompson,
Media &
Communications
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Claire Paye
he newspapers publish
a range of articles on
mothering. One news item referred
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Melanie Tibbs
Empathy
The wartime need for extreme resilience
meant that previous generations the
war generations and their children/our
parents tended to keep their feelings to
themselves and not show emotion. Many
parents today are more emotionally
attuned to their children and are more
responsive to their needs than their
parents were. The flip side to this is that
many of us have gone too far in terms
of pandering to our childrens wants too
much and even defining ourselves by
them, living our lives through them.
That said, our generation tends to
understand our own emotions much
better and therefore can empathise
with others. Many parents today are
aware of the need to validate their
childrens emotions, allowing their
children to feel angry, sad or confused,
and to express this. They are also more
skilled in pointing out the effect that
their childrens behaviour is having
on themselves or on others. In his
psychology work, Mark found that
children who didnt have the effects of
their behaviour explained to them clearly
lacked the empathetic skills to negotiate
the world. This is more obvious at the
extreme of criminal behaviour, but is also
evident along the scale.
Research
In assessing which parenting and
childcare options offer positive outcomes
for children, what is needed is a large,
comprehensive, independent and
well-funded study. We are just at the
beginning of recognising the impact on
children of issues such as attachment,
and we dont yet know the full impact of
a generation of outsourced childcare.
Resilience
One important focus of research at
the moment centres on the question
of resilience. This is defined as how
children cope with setbacks and
what strategies they use to overcome
disappointment. It does not mean that
children never suffer from experiences
such as broken homes or early separation
from their parents, but rather refers to
how they learn to overcome difficulties
in life.
Resilience starts with a strong
attachment and is linked to how much
children believe in themselves. It is
difficult to have true confidence in
yourself, to believe in your ability
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
to overcome
problems, if you
didnt have a secure
attachment at
the beginning, as attachment builds
the brain. At the extreme, trauma will
force a child to build a shell around
themselves to prevent this event ever
happening again. This limits their ability
to attach, which then affects their own
relationships and parenting style.
Overcoming adversity
One example of building resilience is the
two year old who falls off his bike and
looks to his parent to see how he should
respond. He makes eye to eye contact
and mirrors his parents response. He
works out whether he can cope with the
situation by what he sees in his parents
eyes. If his parent overreacts, looking
terrified and shocked, cortisol (the stress
hormone) will be overproduced. If he
finds reassurance in his parents eyes
and knows that although his parent
acknowledges he is distressed because he
is in pain, this is a situation which can
be handled by both parent and child, his
stress hormones will reduce and he will
cope much better. The childs experience
of falling and coping with the situation
builds resilience.
Professor Sir Michael Rutter, who
is described as the father of child
psychology, has conducted extensive
research into resilience, and the
importance of learning from difficulties
as a route to resilience and success. He
has found that what children most need
are to learn to fail well and to have
parents who are prepared to say no to
them.
Failing well
At the school where Mark works there
are a number of children who have been
taught that it is unacceptable to fail.
This causes them a great deal of anxiety.
Many are high achievers but are at the
risk of anxiety and depression because
they arent allowed to fail. Alternatively,
they are told that they are brilliant even
if they are not performing particularly
well. This results in children not trying
as hard.
Growth mindset
Carol Dweck is a psychologist who
has identified what she calls a growth
mindset which explains why some
children develop better educationally
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Book Reviews
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Putting the
decision in his
hands
The other question I find myself asking
is that its all very well for me to psych
myself up enough to send him up the
road to post a letter, but is he actually
ready for more?
Im happy to leave him in the park
when hes with other friends, but if
he was somewhere on his own and
something went wrong, Im really not
sure hed be able to cope.
However, I have to question that point
of view, and ask myself if actually, its
me that wouldnt cope. I have to admit
that since hes turned 10 Ive noticed
a real change in him. His attitude has
become more mature. Hes playing less
with his massive lego collection or with
his younger sister, who tends to play
by herself more these days. Hes also
noticing more and taking in more of our
adult conversations.
I guess the answer is to involve him
in the decisions and to start getting
him used to the idea of doing things
independently.
I have begun to give him more
responsibility, although a fair amount of
this seems to be me saying despairingly
to him, Youre not a baby any more,
youre ten years old! when he hasnt: put
his pants in the dirty washing/hung his
coat up/brushed his teeth etc. However,
Ive started to get them to make their
own packed lunches in the morning, hes
learnt how to turn the oven on, and hes
recently found out which is the washing
machine and which is the tumble dryer.
Sigh.
Im also in discussion with a mum
friend about my son and her daughter,
also in Year 6, walking to school together
once a week. Its not much, but its a
start.
They DO need us
There is another side to this story,
which is that it is assumed that when
our children get to Year 6/7, they
dont really need us any more.
Having spoken to other mothers
whove been through this stage,
its at this stage that our children
go from needing us for their physical
wellbeing, to needing us for their
emotional wellbeing.
There was actually a feature on Radio
4 today about how children arent being
Book Review
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
Anti-shame strategies:
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
am a founding member
of the Womens Equality
Party UK, and have been
working with them on policy
development. As a mother of two
10
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Vanessa Olorenshaw
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
11
We d love to see you at our Open Meeting and AGM this year. Tickets are 17 each, including lunch and refreshments. Tickets
must be purchased by the 8th of October from Lynne Burnham. Please contact her on lynne.burnham@googlemail.com to
book your place and pay by bank transfer or send a cheque to Lynne Burnham, 31 Earlswood Road, Redhill, Surrey, RH1 6HD.
Tickets can be emailed to you or include an SAE if you would like your ticket to be posted.
Healing the hearts of men, Steve Biddulph
Right from the very start of my work in family therapy, nearly 40 years ago, it was clear that men were struggling. For
families to really thrive, we had to directly address the wounds and griefs of men, so they could really love their partners and
children.
In this address, I will talk about what happened to men in the 20th century, how that carried into this generation, and the
wonderful changes coming about as we find our way through this. How men can be closer to their kids, find their unique role
and how boys and girls each benefit. Moving stories, instances you will immediately recognize, and examples of how men are
healing and becoming free.
At this event also I will be launching my book Manhood especially rewritten for the UK situation. Copies will be available for
signing, but more importantly for spreading the word of a new kind of man.
Steve Biddulph has been campaigning for nearly 40 years for more loving, engaged and respectful families. His books
including Secrets of Happy Children, Raising Boys, Raising Girls and Manhood are in three million homes and 32 languages.
He is a grandfather, gardener, sailor, and professor of psychology, and partner of Shaaron. Together they raise wombats in the
wilds of Tasmania.
Evolution Matters for Mothers at Home, Dr Pam Jarvis
Dr Pam Jarvis will consider the evolution of both mothering and grandmothering and how both have been fundamental in
shaping the human species, focussing on how evolutionary principles relate to mothering.
Dr Pam Jarvis is both a historian and a graduate psychologist, with a particular interest in the way that children use play and
narrative in their emotional, social and cognitive development, an area in which she is currently engaged in research.
Pam is a member of the academic advisory team for the National Save Childhood and Too Much, Too Soon campaigns. Her
contribution to the related Better Without Baseline campaign can be viewed here: http://www.betterwithoutbaseline.org.uk/
She is originally from South London, but has lived in Yorkshire for over 25 years. She has a daughter and a twin son and
daughter, all now adults. She was a full time mother for eleven years, and now has two young grandsons.
MAHM Committee
Chair
Marie Peacock
07722 504874
info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Vice Chair
Anne Fennell
annefennellmahm@virginmedia.com
Treasurer
Pat Dudley
info@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Secretary
Lynne Burnham
secretary@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Membership Secretary
Sine Pickles
sine.pickles@btinternet.com
Committee Members
12
Media Enquiries
Claire Paye - 07972 727544
Lynne Burnham - 01737 768705
Mel Tibbs - 07929 108586
Anne Fennell - 07957 232504
Twitter
Imogen Thompson
@mumsdadsmatter
MAHM Blog
Mel Tibbs
mel.tibbs@redapplemedia.co.uk
Research Officer
Alex Payling
bassingbournbelle@hotmail.co.uk
07791 878653
Newsletter Editor
Claire Paye
media-claire@mothersathomematter.co.uk
Newsletter Design Editor
Poppy Pickles
web: www.mothersathomematter.co.uk
Membership of MAHM
We are a membership organisation, funded
by membership fees. The committee
members all give our time for free. Please
do consider joining us. The cost is 12.50
p.a. for individuals, 15 p.a. for couples.
You can join online through our website.
We exist to represent families who currently, or
would like to, care for their children at home
themselves.
We encourage you in your vital role as parents
We campaign for changes in the tax and benefits
system to introduce genuinely family-friendly
policies.
We promote the understanding of childrens
development needs, focusing on the value of
maternal care.
We call for more cross-party debate about the
social and economic value of family care work.
email: info@mothersathomematter.co.uk