Making light of serious stuff

They have found just a hundred cods left in the North Sea
They have searched the deep seas below,
Found a hundred cods left in the North Sea .
The count cannot be all that wrong surely
By ten deep sea divers on ten fingers ,you see.
They take no chances with their headlines
And rely on own fingers for tens and nines.

According to The Telegraph headline there are just 100 cod

left in the North Sea.
http://goo.gl/BAOP2

No doubt a standing piss is pure bliss

No doubt a piss while standing is pure bliss
And you piss sitting and be taken for a miss.
You piss standing and give it a hit or a miss
Who will clean the seat and the mess, pliss?

Is it an unnecessary form of emasculation or a reasonable

expectation of men in the modern age? The minister of
Taiwans Environmental Protection Administration (EPA) has
said that men should sit down when urinating.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/taiwanese-minister-wants-men-sit-d

Dental prose

We love his purple prose for its dental excellence

Here our mother nature is a victim of gingivitis
And the writer is getting to the root of her canal.
But with so much decay ,her teeth cannot be saved.
There is not much to choose between a mums gums
And a loving wifes unrelenting waves of halitosis.
A systems analyst in Canada has been honoured for his
intentionally dreadful purple prose.
Here is his winning entry:
William, his senses roused by a warm fetid breeze, hoped it
was an early springs equinoxal thaw causing rivers to swell
like the blood-engorged gumlines of gingivitis, loosening
winters plaque, exposing decay, and allowing the seasonal
pot-pouris of Mother Natures morning breath to permeate the
surrounding ether, but then he awoke to the unrelenting waves
of his wifes halitosis.

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2012/08/15/20105686.html?cid

Will the innovating lads throw some light on this vital

area?

Placing ad on tissue is not the real issue

But before or after? This is the main issue
We are confused, do we read it before the act
Or after it, when it will become a non-issue?
Will the innovative lads get their act together
And throw some light on this vital area?
( Two brothers from a New York City suburb have an advertising
concept thats on a roll a roll of toilet paper)

This Murrah bull is a hot favorite of Haryana cows

The murrah bull has earned big moolah for the owner
This prince of bulls is cows hot favorite in every manner
A dream mate for Haryana cows he is a prize bull for men
Famous for the excellent quality of his guaranteed semen
Let us all shout hurrah for this really hot bull of murrah
CHANDIGARH: This is no cock-and-bull story. A murrah bull,
Yuvraj, is a virtual money-spinner for its owner Karambir
Singh, 44, of Sunariya village in Kurukshetra. Singh claims he
has earned more than Rs 12 lakh in eight months by selling the
semen of Yuvraj.
-- h t t p : / / t i m e s o f i n d i a . i n d i a t i m e s . c o m / c i t y / c
handigarh/This-bull-helped-owner-earn-Rs
-12L-in-8-months/articleshow/12078325.cm
s

As a fine art,
sword-stealing

pen-stealing

ranks

higher

than

Pen-stealing is a fine hobby for any practicing bobby

When it comes to filching , a sword is not that mighty
Havent we always held a pen is mightier than a sword?
Power of a sword is in fact felt less than of a writ word
More importantly, pen is easier hid in a corner cupboard.
OAK BROOK, Ill., Feb. 23 (UPI) Illinois office supply company
Paper Mate says its national survey found 100 percent of
respondents admitted to stealing pens from colleagues.

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2012/02/23/Poll-Pens-most-stolen-in-the-o

This Nefertiti daily served her hubby a lengthy spaghetti

He had nothing against his wife or her spaghetti
It was her ringing phone that got his stinky goatie
Her talk stretched so much like a lengthy spaghetti
She had been feeding him daily like queen Nefertitti
CHANDLER, Ariz., Feb. 22 (UPI) Police in Arizona said they
arrested a man who allegedly threw spaghetti at his wife and broke
her cellphone because he didnt like her cooking.

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2012/02/22/Police-Man-threw-spaghetti-at-

Caribous make better love in oil-pipelines and save the

planet from global warming
He loves Alaskas caribous like his own kids , by Jove
Poor creatures seem off-mood when it comes to love
So he wants to create a mood for Mr.and Mrs. Caribou
And they can meet over a candlelight dinner and chow.
A warm oil pipeline is there with just the atmosphere luckily
For an amorous caribou couple to make love and multiply.
Our ecology is saved and global warming averted thereby.
Rep. Louie Gohmert, patron saint of amorous wildlife? The
Texas Republican, whos not exactly known as a champion of
animal rights, said his primary concern in the development of a
massive Alaskan oil pipeline is the love life of the caribous
surrounding the project.
Gohmert launched into a lecture during a meeting of the House
Natural Resources committee meeting last week about the
need to protect the poor caribou. But heres the catch the
evil force against which he wants to defend the creatures is the
halting of the flow of oil through the pipeline. That, he says,
would be akin to throwing cold water on what sounds like a
randy spring-break party happening around Alaskas caribou
population.I
t seems that Gohmert is also something of an expert on animal
husbandry. Heres his theory: The caribou very much enjoy the
warmth the pipeline radiates. So when they want to go on a

date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline, he

informed his colleagues. Its apparently the equivalent of being
wined and dined. And that has resulted in a tenfold caribou
population boom, he concluded.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/in-the-loop/post/louie-gohmert-best-

The bomb threat was only from a long-winded bum

Harold Hadley is not in fact a terrorist deadly
He was talking about only wind-breaking, sadly
He had no terrorist leaflets on his body and limb
Except a roll of toilet paper announcing a bomb.
It was basically a foul bomb threat from a bum
A bum can be pretty long-winded from his bum.
ELLISVILLE, MS (WDAM)
Bond has been set for a JCJC student who was arrested for a
hand written note claiming there was a bomb on campus.
Judge Billie Graham set a $20,000 bond for Harold Wayne
Hadley Jr., 19. Hadley was arrested at his home in Seminary on
Tuesday after the note was found in a bathroom at the
industrial services building on the JCJC campus. In all, 11
agencies responded to the threat, but no bomb was found.
Officials said Hadley was arrested after they matched his
handwriting to the note, which was written on toilet paper. His
family says the word bomb is often used by Hadley in
reference to a bodily function and not an explosive device.
He was in the restroom doodling on some toilet paper and I
am going to just let modesty go and tell you we are from the
country, and so he calls passing gas, bombs, said Hadleys
Aunt. So, he was doodling on the toilet paper and put I passed
a bomb in the library, talking about passing gas and somebody
come in and found it, give it to the teacher that recognized his
hand writing and it blow all out of proportion.

10

In their loos the Brits can, with their morals, be quite loose

The Britons love to use their loos

To drive away all domestic blues.
It is here they can be quite loose
With their morals, stay a recluse,
Escaping from dishes with no ruse
And any other human right abuse.
According to men in Britain, the bathroom is the only place where
they can be sure of absolute privacy by hiding behind a locked door.
Twenty percent said theyd been told off for taking too long and over
a third confessed they spend more time in the toilet than with their
partner.

12

They promise to scream more if he comes again

Tom ,Tom ,you had cruised from far and came to our holy land
We have no clue who you are but you deserve a welcome with band
We love you for the money we have got for screaming Tom, Tom
And we promise to scream louder if you come again ,Hey Ram.
Mumbai: When Hollywood superstar Tom Cruise landed in Mumbai
he was elated to find fans teeming outside the Mumbai airport to
greet him. The star smiled and waved at his fans and got inside his
car and left for his hotel. Moments later his so called fans were paid
by a coordinator for turning up at the airport.
According to a news website, around 200 people were paid Rs 150
for playing the role of screaming fans at the airport when the
Hollywood star arrived. A model coordinator had arranged for the
junior artists to play the role of Toms Indian fans.
Funnily enough, most of them had no clue who Tom Cruise was.

13

Yes sir, yes sir, three palms full.

The walmart guys think we are a bit dense
When it comes to our basic number sense
They do not absolutely mean any offence
As we are not brown sheep full of of wool
It makes sense to us to say three palms full
That way we grasp better their fifteen rule

http://desmond.yfrog.com/Himg858/scaled.php?tn=0&server=858&filenam

14

He often works without interruption

As always, I work without interruption and if occasionally I happen
to look a beautiful girl in the face, its better to like beautiful girls
than to be gay, he tells a meeting at a motorcycle industry show in
Milan (Berluscuni)
When it comes to pretty girls,
Berluscuni is a real workaholic
He often works without interruption
In any matter of fun and frolic.
Occasionally he looks at them
In the eye as a gesture symbolic.
In widely reported wiretapped conversations, Berlusconi brags of
fending off a line of young women outside his door and doing only
eight girls, because I couldnt do more.
Berlusconi is no doubt a handsome hunk mainly
Who can make a sassy lassie feel pretty lonely.
Unluckily he can do girls upto a maximum of eight
Not one more humanly, weighed down heavily
You see, by many pressing matters of the state.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/09/us-italy-berlusconi-gaffes-idUST

15

Google is so much like wife

I know Im not the only one who finds it irritating at times. How many
of you have been typing in your search terms and all of a sudden
Google completes the phrase for you with most interesting words.
I have to laugh out loud at most of them, but that will be a post for
another time. If you have any good ones, use the comment section
of this post to share them.
http://www.thecrimsoncrow.com/2011/10/dear-google/
I love this google thing which is just like our dear wife .
We hardly get to complete a sentence in our whole life.
Both google and wife know what really we want to say
And suggest it helpfully as they care for us night and day.
They save our breath, with no strain on our minds, hurray.

16

Mid-day lunch will spoil the kids appetites for supper

They wanted to shape pre-schoolers into blooming red apples
A mid-day lunch would spoil their tender appetites for supper
Going hungry in between lessons would sharpen their faculty
Fed funds can be used for housing,that is a national priority.
A Staten Island couple stole at least $2.5 million in federal
funds meant for nutritious meals for preschoolers, siphoning
off the money to their own housing,
prosecutors asserted in a criminal complaint unsealed on
Friday.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/17/nyregion/couple-accused-of-stealing-f

17

His hurricane reports are stinking

The reporter is a sucker for realistic reporting

When the hurricane Irene hit the Maryland coast
All of a sudden he realised that shit had hit him
As an angry sea roared and poured raw sewage.
Not to be outdone,he called it just organic matter
It doesnt taste great ,says he, in friendly chatter.

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpp/news/fox-reporter-gives-update-covered-in-s

18

Mahatma Gandhi was so poor he had no money for salt

Mahatma Gandhi was so poor that he had no money for salt
Gandhi had to walk all the way to Dandi to collect free salt
So poor was Mr. Gandhi, he had to walk barefoot on asphalt
With no money to travel from Sabarmati to Dandi, what a jolt!
Coming from indigent circumstances was surely not his fault
This must be borne in mind by every patriot worth his salt.
MK Gandhi lead the Dandi march for what main reason?
Lack of salt Kedar Bhatia, Ruia College (Mumbai)
Gandhiji wanted to collect clothes Nitin Rao, SIES College
(Mumbai)
The result of a quiz conducted recently among college
students on the occasion of Indias Independence day.The
ignorance of the countrys history is hilarious.Or was that
deliberate act of modern day cynicism?
Mahatma Gandhi had led Indias struggle for independence
against the British and as part of the non-cooperation
movement he launched the salt satyagraha i.e.marching to the
sea shore at Dandi to make salt to protest against the
imposition of the salt tax by the British government.

http://www.indiancolleges.com/campus-stories/buzz/Indiancolleges/Sonia-

19

They have a right to post lewd pictures

Thank God our kids democratic rights are protected
And no moral depravity on the part of the girls detected
Their right now stands vindicated to post pictures lewd
It ensures their academic growth ,enhancing their mood.
Fort Wayne A federal court judge has ruled that an Indiana
school district has violated the First Amendment rights of two
teenage girls who were barred from participating in
extracurricular activities after posting lewd pictures online
taken at a summer sleepover.
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/310494

20

Fitch upgrades standards of poor to rich

America is triple A once again after an anxious week
The S&P guys were not right to rate its future bleak
They had found the countrys fundamentals rather week.
Luckily the Fitch guys are nice fellas with positive views
Their outlook is stable ,beating S&P in blacks and blues.
They have restored the triple A ,the nice guys from Fitch
America is richie-rich again, in this switch from Fitch
Gods there in heaven ,alls right with it, not a hitch,
Truly a stitch in time ,upgrading by Fitch by a notch.
Else, on its fair name there would be such a big blotch.

(Reuters) Fitch Ratings said on Tuesday it affirmed the

United States top-notch credit rating at AAA, giving the
worlds largest economy a reprieve after it was downgraded by
Standard & Poors little more than a week ago.
http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/08/16/us-usa-rating-fitch-idUSTRE

21

The red dress folk are on beer runs for social redress
The red-dress folk are on beer runs for social redress
Just a drinking club with a running problem,God bless
They merely like to drink and sing bawdy songs on beer
They are not here to oggle goggle-eyed girls or to leer
But only to do some good in charity and spread cheer.
The Harriers, who style themselves as a drinking club with a
running problem, have recruited thousands of guest runners,
walkers and layabouts to wiggle into crimson gowns and make
their way from bar to bar in the French Quarter and Faubourg
Marigny on Saturday.
Now in its 17th year, the New Orleans Red Dress Run has
soared in popularity since its debut, growing from an initial
field of about a dozen to a sprawling romp that draws
participants from as far away as Chicago. About 7,500 men and
women registered for the 2010 event, raising close to $200,000
for charity. Proceeds were divided among 50 local nonprofit
organizations

http://www.nola.com/drink/index.ssf/2011/08/new_orleans_dress_run

22

Her legs are for your eyes only

They are no sluts but have a leg or two for guys

God has given women legs to show and men two eyes
Just to see and admire them to say how really nice
But remember, their pretty legs will not be spread.
Men should stick to their eyes only, and not be misled
If upto funny business ,they will be red and dead.
Controversys favourite child Poonam Pandey sure knows
how to steer a storm. Hot on the heels of turning down a
multi-crore offer to strip on national television, Poonam has
decided to champion the cause of women through a Slut Walk
in Mumbai in September.
What encouraged her to take on the cause was the alarming
rate of crimes against women. Rapes, eve-teasing, molestation,
have been on the rise in most cities across the country. And
each time for some reason or the other, the woman is blamed
for the crime.
Its almost like the woman was at fault that she was raped.
How can we let such heinous crimes go unpunished and berate
the victim instead for it, said Poonam.
Seeing an urgent need to organise and support the cause of
the Slut Walk, the leggy lass volunteered to lead the march in
September.

23

This is the first time that I am supporting a cause and its high
time that people come forward and voice their opinions against
the atrocities against women, she says. She adds, Showing
my legs doesnt mean I will spread them. God gave women
legs, so we show them off. God gave men eyes to see, so
please stick to that!

http://www.sify.com/news/poonam-pandey-to-show-off-her-legs-on-a

24

The grammar man will be after you, tongs and hammer

He is no jungle outlaw nor a spiderman in his gear

Nor even a flying superman in his blue underwear.
He is the grammar man who can strike everywhere
On toilet walls or bandstands, wherever you dare
To commit grave murders of the language, beware
You graffitti louts ,watch your spelling and grammar
Grammar man will be after you ,tongs and hammer.
A MYSTERY superhero is leading the fight on graffiti louts he
accuses of MURDER of the English language.
Grammar Man wields his white marker pen to correct misspelt
scrawls and criticise the writers.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3736999/Mystery-superh

25

Putting it all away for Putin

Mr.Putins army of young girls looks barmy
With fewer clothes put in on their bodies
They are not bein smarmy, the harmless ladies
It is an emotional thin, a matter of believin,
That for Russias future Putin is the best thin,
Strippin for Putins election win is not much sin;
A bikini car wash is the right thin for his win.
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is currently
contemplating a run for a third presidential term ahead of
elections in March of 2012, and the stoic authoritarian has an
interesting support-building team in his corner. Attempting to
mobilize votes through sex appeal, a group of nubile young
women called Putins Army has formed around a Russian
social-networking site called V Kontakte. Earlier this month,
Putins Amazons, as theyve been dubbed by Russian media,
shot a racy video in which they stripped in support of their guy.
Following that stunt, Army members showed their devotion by
offering free bikini car washes outside of a Moscow State
University building.

http://www.nerve.com/news/tv/watch-awkward-exchange-between-ne

26

When media moguls are in trouble, it is the wifey who

saves their lifey
When you marry, you should marry a Chinese woman. In
times of danger, she will act, added Loulan Loulan.
When trouble brews for media moghuls in shaving cream
While taking hacking blame in the Commons , it would seem
It is the wifey who saves their lifey, in a manner most hi-fi.
When you marry , surely a Chinese woman you should marry.
When a hacking scandal is murky you will cut a figure sorry
And ducking shaving pie becomes a front page media story.
Wendi, who came from middle-class China to marry one of the
worlds most powerful media moguls, gave a dramatic
stand-by-your-man display. She was dubbed Smack Down
Sister on Chinese websites.
The Yale University business school graduate, yoga devotee
and former News Corp employee reacted faster than anyone
else seated around Murdoch, including his son James, when
the incident took place.
The hearing in the News of the World phone hacking case by a
British parliamentary panel was interrupted by a man throwing
a shaving-cream pie at her 80-year-old husband.
She sprang from her seat behind her husband to smack the
assailant, in a scene witnessed by millions around the world on
television on Tuesday.

27

Shedding clothes for the amazing Putin is not much of a

sin
Shedding clothes in Russia is not just routine
And when they are gladly shed for the amazing Putin
It is a different thin , when likely bringin a lucky win
Of a gleamin i-pad and is surely not much of a sin.
MOSCOW Young Russian women are being urged to shed
their clothes as a way of showing support for their Prime
Minister Vladimir Putin, The Independent reported Monday.

Read
more:
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/offbeat/russian-women-urged-to-

29

Remember you cannot have sex with someone unless

they are wide awake!
.
The Navy has always a thing or two to tell us about sex
Often we do not take enough precautions and become lax.
The Navy tells us you can have sex only with some one awake
Do not ,therefore, try it with a sleeping partner for Gods sake.
Dont forget: you cant have sex with someone unless they are
awake!
-A tip on sexual assault prevention by the U.S.Navy in its
Facebook page

Read
more:
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/07/15/facebook-poster-on-sexu

30

Mumbai blasts are not on account of intelligence

failure,but lack of transparency on the part of the terrorists
We cant pin the blame for Mumbai blasts on intelligence
failure
Our intelligence guys are doing a splendid job, we are very
sure
Whoever had done the dastardly job worked very clandestinely
We hold them solely responsible for their lack of transparency.
Whoever planned this attack worked in a very, very
clandestine manner, he told reporters Thursday morning. Its
not a failure of intelligence.Indias Home Minister on the recent Mumbai blasts

31

The spelling bee has left its sting on our copy editor

The seventh grader winds her spelling bee to our copy editors
glee
Seventh-grader girls wind their bees a lot, though it is rather
silly
It looks like the bee has left its sting on our copy editor
permanently.
An AP story with the headline :7th grader winds National
Spanish spelling bee

http://apple.copydesk.org/2011/07/10/why-the-associated-press-need

32

They have googled for the information about scorpion

bites:meanwhile the gentleman will please enjoy a nice
flight

Scorpion-bites are poisonous and risky on our flights

And they could even turn fatal as they show in movies
In Alaska our knowledge of scorpions is only skin-deep
Not to worry,we have already googled for the information
As we get to know it we shall arrange for medical help
Meanwhile the gentleman will please enjoy a nice flight.
All Jeff Ellis could do was wait as he sat terrified 9,000 metres
in the air staring at the wriggling scorpion that stung him on a
flight to Alaska.
He repeated to himself that a doctor said hed be fine
probably.

Ellis first had to wait 30 minutes to see whether he succumbed

to anaphylactic shock
http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/1018048snakes-on-a-plan

33

Curry can boost male sex drive by 28%

If your nightly performance is below par, do not at all worry

To work up your appetites,we have a special, hot and spicy
curry
Guaranteed to boost your libido and make your life really
merry.
The lowly fenugreek is, not Latin and Greek even for a
die-hard geek
When the fenu is on your menu ,loves prospects are not all
that bleak.
Brisbane Looking to spice up your sex life? New research
has found that fenugreek a herb often used in curries can
increase male sex drive by 28 percent.
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/308209

34

Dont fret if you are in the Turkish prison :On the brighter
side it has the fastest internet in Euroasia
You must thank your stars if you find yourself in a Turkish
prison
The prison may not feel as cosy as a Turkish bath and as
steamy
But OMG the internet here is the fastest in Eurasia of this
season
You can view the best porn in a jiffy, and feel really,really
horny.
Turkish Prison: The Bright Side
Claire Berlinski,
This place has the best, fastest Internet access Ive found in
Eurasia. Thumbs-up, Silivri! Between that and the pretty views
of the Turkish countryside, Im pretty happy in this parking lot.
http://ricochet.com/main-feed/Turkish-Prison-The-Bright-Side

35

Even Shakespeare will fail to get admission in this college

Our proud college admits only those who have secured a
minimum of 100% marks
So high are their standards that Shakespeare will be classed as
one of the dorks
We are sure that in English grammar and literature the bard
would have plunked
And incurred a shortfall of one or two marks in 100%, due to a
few classes bunked.
New Delhi: Taking a dig at the 100 percent cut-off at a Delhi
University college, Communist Party of India Marxist (CPI-M)
leader Sitaram Yechury said Wednesday even Shakespeare
would not get 100 percent if he were to write an exam today.
Even if Shakespeare were to come back and give an English
exam today, he will not score 100 percent, Yechury said.

36

The worst is behind us

The minister says he has now solved the crisis of E-coli
He states that the worst is already behind us and hopefully
The damn thing is not in our behind, stealthily, illegally.
London : Germanys Health Minister Daniel Bahr said on
Tuesday there was reason to be cautiously optimistic that an
outbreak of a deadly new strain of E.coli that has killed 23
people had peaked.
There are some arguments suggesting the worst is behind
us, Bahr also said, adding the rate of new infections had
slowed.

37

Bin laden (with grain) collapses

A bin laden with many bushels of grain crashed in Altush
Between the bearded bin with the gun and this metal one
There is nothing much that is common except some jaded pun
It is just that one concerns the bushels, the other a bush.
A bin containing 268,000 bushels of grain collapsed Sunday at
Humphreys Co-Op in Altus, but nobody was injured in the
incident.

38

He sold a kidney for an I-pod

He has sold his kidney for a gleaming I-pod to impress dames
He still has another one for a home theater and some fine
games
With no kidneys he will then not be disturbed by frequent leaks
He will have time to do texting, twitter and other things of
geeks .
( A boy in China has sold off his kidney to buy an I-pod)

39

He swallows bribes and then swallows documents

We do not hide our money in the deep pockets of our coats

We love our bribes and our stomach is full with currency notes
Yet we are gluttons for more and soon our stomach bloats
If they catch us we swallow whole documents in our throats.
What do you do if youre a government official and youve been
caught red-handed with incriminating documents? Well eat
them up. Atleast thats what an executive engineer working
with the Public Works Department in Jaipur did.

Read
more
at:
http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/news/engineer-swallows-documen

40

We have now to honor all our IOUs as the world is alive

and ticking
It is now six P.M. and we are all still there
Our radio-stations blare in the orange glare.
Our creditors are asking their money back
All our IOUs will hold, in white and black.
It looks this sinful world is still there, alas,
Creditors will not now let their chance pass.
The world ,it seems, did not end on the 21 st,May,2011 ,as the
Rapturists had predicted. We have to re-pay all our credit card
debt after all.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/05/21/us-apocalypse-prediction-id

41

We are all wirelessly tethered

In our company we are all wirelessly tethered
Within a blue-tooth distance of yards and twenty
Our human faculties are already much-withered
Luckily we have our bird-brained tweets aplenty
To kill office time that hangs on us , quite heavy
Secured by a strong rope we do not wander away
In these days of utter lack of personal security.
Companies such as Intel have experimented with tactics to
persuade workers to use technology less and keep themselves
fresh, Powers says. But tricks such as no-e-mail Fridays
havent helped, he says.
We really have managers captured 24/7, says Mike Brezner,
uSamp senior vice president. Were all tethered wirelessly
tethered.

http://www.azcentral.com/business/articles/2011/05/18/20110518Tech

42

Dollars are not legal tender in Gods heaven

We have spent our lifes savings on the apocalypse message
Of what use is this money after we all go, from town and village
The world is truly going to end on the 21 st , this May at dusk
We can spend every cent of ours before that without any risk
Thereafter it is all rapture for us and our brethren in Gods
heaven
Where the system is barter and dollars are surely no legal
tender.
The dedicated followers of Harold Camping have spent their
savings to spread the message.
Before joining Harold Campings Family Radio, Guy Von
Harringa was an atheist attending the University of California,
San Diego. Today he spends what he says will be his last week
on Earth co-ordinating an international outreach campaign
from the small two-storey headquarters of Family Radio in
Oakland, Calif.
Von Harringa is just one of the many devotees who have
thrown their life savings on the line to warn the world of the
upcoming Rapture on May 21. The humble organization has
posted billboards around the world and placed billions of ads
online. As a result, the unconventional claim has received
unprecedented attention.

http://www.themarknews.com/articles/5220-advertising-the-apocalyps

43

Tattoos on employees should be treated as part of the

companys branding strategy
We love tattoos on our employees as they are nice and
sprightly
We do not understand why some employers find them
unsightly
The designs are really pretty and guys deserve their jobs
rightly
We feel tattoos should be part of the companys branding
strategy.
(A news report says that in order to help reduce unemployment
the government may consider reimbursing the jobless with the
cost of erasing tattoos from their bodies, to make them
acceptable to employers)
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/306550

44

The university takes care of all their needs

Our university takes care of our education needs well
They also look after our physical needs equally well
When we become drunk and we puke and piss in flowerpots
Our peers lovingly baby-sit us and get us out of the hots.
CAMBRIDGE, England Britains elite University of
Cambridge was offering to pay sober students to babysit
drunk undergraduates Tuesday at balls and garden parties
held on campus.
Read more: h t t p : / / w w w . n y p o s t . c o m / p / n e w s / i n
ternational/university_of_cambridge_pay
s_students_BDQlcUPJpSGy0eXzNdP6gM#i
xzz1M1IoQEYf

45

Borrowing dulls the edge of his husbandry

Baron Guttenberg is not the famous printer-inventor of his

country
But another famous doctor and copy-paste master of this
century
Who swears by the wisdom of the masters buried in the
internet
With a deft hand at lifting blocks of others text with ease ,you
bet.
Mr Guttenberg, a baron, was one of the most popular ministers
in Chancellor Angela Merkels cabinet and tipped by some as a
future German leader.
But he came under pressure after a Bremen University law
professor began reviewing his thesis with the aid of the
internet.
Allegations arose that he had lifted a passage from a
newspaper article word-for-word, and included a paragraph
from the US embassys website without attribution.
Upon further scrutiny, it was claimed more than half of the
475-page thesis featured large sections borrowed from others
work.
The scandal led to the minister being nicknamed Baron
Cut-and-Paste, Zu Copyberg and Zu Googleberg by the

46

German media.
More than 50,000 academics signed a signed a letter objecting
to his continued role in the government.
Mr Guttenberg eventually stepped down in March a decision
he called the most painful step of my life.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13310042

47

Luckily he did not call the city shitty

The planner did not have much praise for this hot city
Coming from the city planner that sure is a great pity
In tweets he called it an arm-pit, a thing that is sweaty
But luckily he did not call it shitty to sound more witty.
The Lufkin Daily News reports that Cantrell tweeted in March,
Lufkin is an armpit. Months before, he tweeted, Just waiting
for the heat to leave for good. Of course, Deep East Texas will
still be a (expletive) hole.
http://www.newschannel10.com/Global/story.asp?S=14536112

48

Naked enthusiasm
They have found a new way to fight recession in Basque
You may try it at no extra cost and with absolutely no risk
They do their workouts in the nude to enhance their mood
It promotes bonds when you hang in as a dude in the nude
And saves expense on t-shirts and shorts, isnt it real good?
A gym in Spains Basque region has come up with an
eye-catching way of battling the recession.
It has begun offering naked workouts, for nudists.
Easy Gym in Arrigorriaga is the first of its kind in Spain,
pioneering the peculiar practice of stripping while keeping fit.
With the crisis we noticed there were fewer people using the
gym, owner Merche Laseca explained to the BBC.
Im not a nudist myself, though I have no problem with it. But
this initiative is about the money.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13162118

49

The fed chief gave his high-performance speech

Luckily ,the Fed chief is at his usual vague best in his brief
He delivered his brief without emotion,to our utter relief.
We surely can do with some nice jargon and high fundas.
But we wish him a nice sabbatical in walking shoes of Adidas
In the pacific islands where he can polish his next speech
And impress the natives with his florid skills on the beach .
WASHINGTON The script was repetitive. The lines were
delivered without emotion. There wasnt even a twist.
The reviews for Federal Reserve chief Ben Bernankes unusual
press conference Wednesday would have sunk a Hollywood
blockbuster. As the head of the famously vague central bank,
though, he nailed it.
I would give the chairman high grades for his performance
today, said Dana Saporta, an economist at Credit Suisse. I
was a little relieved.

50

She forgot to put on her pants

Cindy struck a mighty pose for the spring Vogue
She had managed that with absolutely no fatigue
The pretty Cindy did that just with a cool undie
But in a hurry forgot her pants, isnt it a pity?

Cindy Crawford has set a spring trend on Vogue Mexicos May

issue by striking a mighty pose without her pants on.
The 45-year-old supermodel is seen wearing a black bustier, a
studded leather motorcycle jacket and a pair of black panties,
reports the New York Daily News.

http://www.samachar.com/Cindy-Crawford-goes-pantless-for-Vogue-l

51

But sir, we did it only two hours ago!

The P.M. has been, on the table, extremely busy
Doing business with secretary in confidentiality.
He was getting old ; she would jog his memory
But sir, it was only two hours ago we had done it!
It is not true that he has forgotten about the last time
Or that his memory has turned itsy-bitsy lately.
These serious matters cannot simply wait, you see.
Controversial Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been
filmed making a lewd joke about his secretary.
Berlusconi, who is facing a charge of paying a 17-year-old for
sex, cracked the lewd joke while being interviewed before
asking the media persons to make it off the record.
The billionaire tycoon was asked to recall the best manager to
lead AC Milan, the Italian football club he is president of. Look
I am getting old. This morning I was chasing my secretary to
do her on the table and she said: Prime Minister we only did it
two hours ago. So you see my memory is going, the Daily
Mail quoted him as saying in the film.

http://www.hindustantimes.com/entertainment/tabloid/Berlusconi-jok

52

Be determined and get pregnant

If you are not getting pregnant do not lose heart
But keep at it again and again and do your part
Getting pregnant is indeed both a science and an art
Remember it does not always happen in an instant
Especially if your boy friend is generally reluctant
In the end it is sheer grit that makes you pregnant.
At the launch of fertility specialist Dr Firuza Parikhs book The
Complete Guide to Becoming Pregnant, movie director Farah
Khan said that the key to becoming pregnant is to be
determined and not complain.

53

The defense is now much weaker

When we say we welcome the weaker sex

We dont mean women are not the strong ones
In our homes it is they who wear the pants.
We are merely saying our sex is so much weaker
In view of the Boards advanced age profile .
The chairman of French defense company Safran hailed the
arrival of the weaker sex on the companys board Thursday
triggering accusations of sexism from Frances best-known
shareholder activist.

http://in.reuters.com/article/2011/04/21/us-safran-sexism-idINTRE73K

54

We take our liberty seriously

We have gone to extremes in our obsession with liberty, lately
We have recently shifted our liberty lady to Vegas, in our
philately.
The lady now beckons tourist gamblers to a casino, intimately.
A new stamp issued by the US postal service meant to depict
Lady Liberty in fact features a replica which is mounted
outside New York Hotel in Las Vegas.
Three billion of the 44-cent, first class stamps have been
issued showing a close-up of the world famous statues head.
The image however is not of the original in New Yorks Liberty
Island but the half-sized model based outside a casino in Las
Vegas.
Read
more:
[http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/305693#ixzz1JpwMRxwe]

55

It is wrong to say he is sleeping through the Presidents

budget speech

We love our presidents speeches that call for deep thought

His scholarly budget speeches inspire all of us quite a lot
Yes we can ,says our dear president, balancing our budget.
When his speech is finished the gaping deficit is totally met.
Slowly ,we open our eyes to clap in thunderous applause.
Biden was caught sleeping on camera as US President Barack
Obama was delivering his speech at the George Washington
University Wednesday.
Read
more:
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/305654#ixzz1Jh5RnuQV

56

Patriotic models going nude will boost sportsmens

performances
Patriotic models going nude before sportsmen boosts
Their morale and improves their performance,on-field
And off-field as well , with a therapeutic effect on them .
Our foreign exchange earnings will go up significantlyIndeed a novel way to shore up the countrys image.
Similar patriotic performances can be planned to boost
Our lackluster performances in the Olympics events .
Young model Poonam Pandey has sure got a lot of media
attention as well as lucrative offers from international
magazines that want her to pose naked. The aspiring actress,
who has grabbed headlines for stating that she will bare all if
Team India wins the World Cup, has been flooded with offers
from foreign glossies. But she has rejected them saying she
will strip only for the Indian team.
On Friday she sent an official letter to the board, saying going
naked for the team would have a therapeutic effect on Team
India and help them win.In the letter, she wrote: ..I want India
to win the Cricket World Cup 2011 and am willing to go the
extra mile to do anything so that India wins the World Cup. I am
ready and willing at any place and time of the Indian teams
choosing to go in the nude to boost their sporting spirit to
perform better.

http://www.hindustantimes.com/poonam-s-bare-only-for-team-india/a

57

We kick our balls right into mens hearts

Proud of our lingerie football we do not mind not getting paid
We kick our balls right into mens hearts ,when sparsely clad
We reach our goals faster , with much less money on clothes.
Toronto The Lingerie Football League (LFL) is busting into
the city of Toronto for the upcoming 2011 season. Women, who
are unpaid, wear lingerie and protective gear and play
American football, much to the delight of men everywhere.
Read more: [ h t t p : / / w w w . d i g i t a l j o u r n a l . c o m / a
rticle/305619#ixzz1JbOPIafg]

58

Pen is flightier than State

President Claus is no Santa Claus come with gifts for Chilean

kids
A nice pen was too much of a temptation for the itching
presidential pockets
Ho,ho, he would say , I would pocket this pen nicely when
nobody is looking
As for Christmas gifts I shall bring them for your kids in the
next season.
Czech President Vaclav Klaus has become a global internet
sensation after he was caught on tape stealing a pen during a
state visit to Chile.
A video of Czech president Vaclav Klaus pocketing a
ceremonial pen encrusted with semi-precious Lapis Lazuli
stones during a visit to Chile has gone viral. The video which
was aired by Czech broadcaster esk televize
shows the President sheepishly pocketing a pen and closing
the pen box to cover his tracks during a press conference with
Chilean President Sebastin Piera. The video clip has been
viewed by more than 4 million people in 5 days.
Read more: [ h t t p : / / w w w . d i g i t a l j o u r n a l . c o m / a
rticle/305655#ixzz1JbFsuh8Q]

59

Think out of the box

She paints your loved ones memorial portraits in their remains
You must think out of the box ,in black humor she explains.
Raven Collins puts her heart and other peoples souls into her
art.
The 37-year-old Thonotosassa artist has been sketching for
more than 15 years, specializing in detailed hand-drawn
portraits. Nowadays, most of her commissioned work
incorporates an unusual ingredient: Cremated remains
ashes brushed right into the portrait.

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2011/apr/04/PMENEWSO1-loved-ones-li

60

A rotary clothesline is hardly a romantic thing

A rotary clothesline is not an ideal gift to your wife or mine
In our view there is nothing romantic about a clothesline
Whether the clothesline is rotary or static or just plain.
A garden centre which advocated that men should make their
wives feel special thisChristmas by buying them a
rotaryclothesline has apologized

61

They prefer hot water bottles

The Brits are not all that romantic
And to the fairer sex,often phlegmatic
They rather prefer hot water bottles
Often found useful for pains rheumatic.
A new study by the psychologist Professor Richard Wiseman
claims that British men are less likely to make romantic
gestures than men from other parts of the world in fact, they
are less likely to pay compliments, be inspired to write love
poetry or take their loved ones away for surprise holidays than
their foreign counterparts.

62

Bum truth
For a year he has not spoken a single lie
But when it comes to the wifes bum
He could neither speak the big lie
Nor keep mum: one does not know why.

A Swansea man is about to complete a year without telling a lie

but admits he came unstuck when his wife asked: Does my
bum look big in this?
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_3185840.html?menu=news.q

63

Lloyds is not pants

The man chose as password Lloyds is pants

But Lloyds is not the one who wore the pants.
A man who chose Lloyds is pants as his telephone banking
password said he found it had been changed by a member of
staff to no its not

64

Nuns need not be old and sad looking

Nuns need not be old and sad looking

They can be beauty queens as well
Walking the ramp instead of the aisle.
A Catholic priest is staging the first ever beauty contest for
nuns.

65

Nicked male

Naturist Nick Male will do your painting in the buff

Besides painting some really exciting naked stuff .
A Lincolnshire naturist by name Nick Male has launched
Britains first naked painting and decorating service

66

When the mood is not right he cheers himself up by

setting cars on fire
This man is a stripper by night, when in a sprightly mood
Other times he cheers himself up by setting a few cars on fire.
A male stripper is being investigated as a suspected spy after
setting fire to a car to cheer himself up.

67

A penis is not a mere appenage but is a whole state of

mind
The surgeon has unjustly severed
His penis which is worth a fortune
A penis is not a mere appendage
But is a whole state of mind,you know.
A court has ordered a surgeon to pay $795,000 in
compensation to a patient whose penis he accidentally severed
during an
operation.
You dont have to be an expert to realize that the 33-year-old
victim does
not have a good state of mind, said the victims lawyer.

68

A chronic case of guestritis

This honored guest has talked for 30 hours without break
Her friend is sick with chronic guestritis,what the heck.
A desperate German woman finally called emergency services
to rescue her after a friend visited her and talked for 30 hours
straight, authorities said Tuesday.

69

Stealing a thong was not such a wrong thing but stealing a

tearaway pants is rather too much
It was not such a wrong thing to steal a thong
But snitching tearaway pants is entirely wrong.
AUSTRALIAN male strip review The Thunder From Down
Under has had to cancel parts of its US tour because theyve
got nothing to wear after their van was stolen.
The strippers were in Annapolis, Maryland, on Friday night
when the van went missing.
The van contained thousands of dollars of equipment,
costumes and merchandise and the strippers have promised a
US$5000 ($5230) reward to whoever can help them get it back.
They were shocked, said Bradford Singh, a manager at the
Rams Head Tavern where the troupe had been performing,
told the Annapolis Capital.
Maybe it was one of the ladies who just wanted a thong.
Annapolis Police Department officer Hal Dalton spoke with a
representative of the group about the missing items, the
Annapolis Capital reported.
It was kind of humorous. She said there were costumes,
equipment and the merchandise they sell on tour. But she
wondered what anyone would want with tear-away pants, he

70

said.

71

The kids have a good education now

The kids have good education in these modern times
They learn all about boob jobs along with nursery rhymes.
A plastic surgeon has written a controversial childrens book
explaining nose jobs, tummy tucks and breast implants.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2874024.html

72

An Aussie man went for his peaceful roadside leak

An Aussie man went for a peaceful roadside leak
Lurking,alas, was a snake waiting to bite his dick.
A man had a shock in Australia when a deadly snake bit his
penis during a roadside toilet break.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2873859.html?menu=news.

73

There was nothing else available within reach

An angry mom hit her lazy son with a meat cleaver
There was nothing else available within easy reach.
OCALA Brenda Hecht said shes tired of her sons behavior.
She said her 18-year-old son, Chamborg Hecht, hasnt worked
for four months and sleeps all day. And when she goes to work
at night, she said he plays video games until she returns home.

74

The brainy chicks are not much fun in the bed,rain or heat
For the sexy babes the brain takes the back seat
The brainy ones are not fun in the bed ,rain or heat
Finally we sacrifice gray matter and settle for the meat.
BRAINY babes find it harder to have an orgasm because
they are too busy thinking, a study claims.
The German survey found that the more educated a woman
was, the less likely it was that she would be satisfied by sex.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1090275.ece

75

Beer thou art and unto beer shalt thou return

Beer lover Bill Bramanti loves Pabst Blue Ribbon permanently
Beer thou art and unto beer shalt thou return,saith he biblically
He made a custom made beer can casket for his final journey.
SOUTH CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. (AP) Bill Bramanti will love
Pabst Blue Ribbon eternally, and hes got the custom-made
beer-can casket to prove it.

76

Vinny the mobster is verily the pulchritudinous friendster

Vinny mobster is very gorgeous, but inside the prison Vinny
who ?
These days Vinny the poo practices his sharp-shooting in
prison loo
Vinny is now a great scholar ,both pulchritudinous and
platitudinous
He tells his son dos and dont s and has hobbies truly
multitudinous.
NEW YORK (AP) Hes known as Vinny Gorgeous, but
convicted mob boss Vincent Basciano might want to trade up
to Vinny Photogenic or Vinny Pulchritudinous.

77

They have used their bared bottom instead of a C.D.Rom

The Lacross team liked to invite this lovely lass for the school
prom
For the invite they have used their bared bottom instead of a
C.D.Rom.
ANN ARBOR, Mich.Thirteen members of a high school
lacrosse team have been disciplined for baring their bottoms
on which was written a prom invitation from one player to a
girl.

78

Jack landed him in Jail

The lawyer suggested to the judge just a simple jack off
procedure
His defense was strong but it was the Jack which landed him in
Jail.
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) A flick of the wrist has landed an Austin
lawyer in jail for contempt of court. A judge sentenced defense
attorney Adam Reposa to 90 days in jail on Tuesday for making
a lewd gesture and simulating masturbation while standing
before a County Court-at-Law judge in March.
Judge sentences lawyer to 90 days for lewd gesture

79

The brides you meet on the internet are actually grooms

This farmer from Germany had picked up his pretty bride on
the net
On his first night she was actually a whiskered man in her
pants.
A German farmer who married a woman he met on the internet
has asked for the marriage to be annulled after finding out
she was a he.
Ananova Lonely farmers wedding night letdown

80

You have to believe the story as it came straight from the

horses arse
In Tampa they booked a man for whacking a horse in its arse
It is no surprise the whacking happened in Ybor at unearthly
hours
You have to believe the story as it came straight from the
horses arse.
TAMPA Police arrested a Lakeland man early this morning on
charges that he punched a police horse in the rear end.
It should be no surprise the incident occurred about 3:15 a.m.
in Ybor City.
The Tampa Police Department report said the officer and horse
were clearing the street and sidewalks in the 19th Street area of
Seventh Avenue.Carl Coward, 24, of 111 Hodges Road,
Lakeland, balled his fist and punched the horse in the right rear
hip area, the report states.Coward was charged with battery of
a law enforcement animal and is being held at the Orient Road
Jail on $500 bond, jail records show.The report does not
indicate whether the horse suffered any serious injury.

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/apr/06/man-jailed-after-punching-p

81

When the tax bill came ,he really needed a big tonic and
gin
There was a young man from Lynn whose tool was the size of a
pin
In view of this size , ogling naked babes should not be a big sin
But when the tax bill came he really needed a big tonic and gin.
COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) It could cost more to see naked
babes in South Carolina. At least thats what one state senator
wants in the Palmetto State.
Greenville Republican Mike Fair wants to impose 20 percent
sin tax on magazines like Playboy and Hustler.

http://www.ksdk.com/news/watercooler/hot_topics_article.aspx?story

82

He felt sad and forlorn, watching all alone the porn

He felt sad and forlorn,watching all alone the porn
He actually liked all of you to feel equally love-lorn
And screened the stuff for all ye,high-born and low-born
A TECHNICIAN at a French Polynesian television station has
been suspended from work after accidentally screening a porn
movie he thought he was watching alone

83

Florida teens
pregnancy

believe

that

mountain

dew

prevents

All through the night we make passionate love under the

stars,me and you
Our torrid love affair goes on ,duly protected by the mountain
dew,
In the friendly company of the mountain goat and the sheep
and the ewe.
ORLANDO, Fla. A recent survey that found some Florida
teens believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a
shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy has prompted
lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the
state.

84

Poo analysis is a scholarly pursuit which will stimulate the

intellectual in you
It is true poo is serious stuff not merely belonging to the loo
Poo smells a lot but tells a lot too, useful like the didgeridoo
View it like a regular for a scatological analysis in the privacy
of your loo
These scholarly pursuits will stimulate the intellectual in you.
Get grossed out, laugh or act like youre too refined to discuss
this. Go ahead. The truth is, poop is serious stuff. If youre
willing to peek into the toilet bowl once in a while, local doctors
say you can learn loads about your health and detect problems
ranging from poor diet to colon cancer. Its one of a few
things you can do without a doctors help. You cant do blood
work on yourself but you can look in the toilet, said Dr.
Anish Sheth, a gastroenterologist and co-author of the book,
Whats Your Poo Telling You? and the soon-to-be-released
sequel, Poo Log.

http://nutritionalconcepts.blogspot.com/2008/02/worried-about-your-h

85

It is unknown how Mr.Greco took his coffee that day

In the donut shop you forget to wear your pants

You have a problem on hand with the blasted ants.
Yorktown: Careful with that coffee! Police say a man placing
an order in a suburban New York doughnut shops
drive-through lane didnt have any pants on.They say a Dunkin
Donuts worker saw John Grecos exposed genitals in the
February 27 stunt and then noted the make of his car and his
license plate number.
Police say the 46-year-old Croton-on-Hudson resident was
arrested last week and has been charged with misdemeanour
public lewdness. Hes due in court March 27.Police released a
statement on Thursday saying it was unknown how Mr. Greco
took his coffee that day.

86

All the world is a stage and all men and women merely
players
Without booze and fag we cannot think of a bar
If we cannot have our bar without nicotine and tar
we shall deem our bar as Shakespearean theater.
All the world is a stage and men players says the bard.
Lifes but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more.
It is a tale told by an idiot full of smoke and fury
Our lungs are black like Macbeths dark deeds
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.
Bars in Minnesota are declaring themselves theatres to get
around a public smoking ban.
The state ban allows actors to light up in character during
theatrical productions.
So the bars are declaring themselves theatres and their
customers performers, reports the Daily Telegraph.

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2761092.html?menu=news.q

87

Our town is named Athol butt we are not that

Our town is named Athol butt we are not that
We are surely not what we think below your hat
We are sick of being the butt of everyones jokes
We put our butt to better use ,we promise, blokes.
Athol, Mass., residents are sick and tired of people making fun
of the towns name.
Town selectmen wrote a letter of protest to Comcast SportsNet
for putting an advertisement in area newspapers that read
We can pronounce Worcester without sounding like an
Athol.
Comcast quickly pulled the ad which appeared in the Boston
Herald and other papers to promote Comcasts regular sports
analysis and interview programs.

http://www.topix.net/news/weird/2008/03/athol-residents-tired-of-bein

88

You get banned from tennis if you grunt loudly in play

You get banned from tennis if you grunt loudly in play
For such noises distract the other players all day
Less distracting sounds like passing the wind seem okay.
Maria Sharapova has been criticized over her extremely loud
grunting during play, but you can bet they wont try this with a
champion like her. A 9-year-old Australian girl has been
banned from playing tennis at her local club over the grunting
noises she makes during play.
Lauryn Edwards was told last weekend that she could no
longer play after an opposing player complained about her
grunting

http://snafu-ed.blogspot.com/2008/02/9-year-old-sharapova-wanna-be

89

It is the plumbing problems that plague their performance

The Kiwis concerns are neither less libido nor lack of chance
It is the plumbing problems that plague their performance.
Lack of sexual desire and infrequent intercourse are among
the most common sexual problems experienced by New
Zealanders, according to a new academic study.

http://news.sbs.com.au/worldnewsaustralia/kiwis_seek_therapy_for_

90

It is a foul and a dastardly act to leak before the Police

Department
The cops are polite guys with a friendly public face
It is a dastardly act and is surely a cognizable case
If a guy chooses to leak right in front of their place.
An apparently drunk man picked the wrong place to tinkle.
Appleton, Wis. police arrested the man Friday afternoon after
he reportedly relieved himself in front of the police
department.
http://wcbstv.com/watercooler/drunk.urination.police.2.662680.html

91

In our country we vacuum our underpants off and on

A vacuum cleaner is the most gorgeous thing in town
Its going is good and smooth ,under and down
In our country we vacuum our underpants off and on
It is a normal practice as you would have known.
A Polish worker had been caught in the act with a vacuum
cleaner and when asked what he was doing with the machine
,he claimed that he was vacuuming his underpants, which was
a normal practice in Poland.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/03/03/n

92

The humbled lion now stands on the herald without its

manhood
Women will have none of this male stuff on the herald
So there is now no penis in the lions loins, O my God
The humbled lion now stands without penis on the herald.
Protests from female soldiers have led to the Swedish military
removing the penis of a heraldic lion depicted on the Nordic
Battlegroups coat of arms.
The armed forces agreed to emasculate the lion after a group
of women from the rapid reaction force lodged a complaint to
the European Court of Justice, Gteborgs-Posten reports.

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A she-goat is not acceptable looking to the gravity of the

offence
The first lady Kibaki has whacked him allegedly
Nothing less than a he-goat and an apology
Is what the victim demands from the first family
A she-goat is not acceptable looking to the gravity.
Amidst the political unrest that has ravaged Kenya, elders are
demanding a goat from the President as compensation for an
alleged assault by his wife.

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Gorski from Gliwice twice made guttural noises over the

gherkin
Gorski from Gliwice spluttered over an ill-gotten gherkin
I could not resist having a snack , the jerk said jerkin .
A burglar in Poland who stole a dozen jars of home-made
pickles was caught after choking on his ill-gotten gherkins.
Piotr Gorski was found spluttering and blue in the face just two
streets away from the crime scene.
Police had to hit him on the back to dislodge the vegetable
before arresting him
Gorski, from Gliwice, said: I just couldnt resist having a quick
snack.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=99014&in_pa

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A fling or two in office is a good thing

A fling or two in office is a good thing with rising productivity
It improves quality of output but sadly reduces overall quantity.
HAVING an office romance IMPROVES your quality of work, a
survey claims.
Researchers found the thrill of a fling raised energy levels and
led to better professional capacity.
One in five people quizzed by Italian sexologist Serenella
Salomoni admitted to an affair at work.
She said: We discovered that people who had an office
romance said they were happier, more energetic and more
productive.

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You can now soar in the nude like an eagle

You can now fly in the nude in special nude flights
Like an eagle that soars up and up in dizzy heights
You can now feel the brisk breeze on your bare bum
The flights are pricier but youll thoroughly enjoy em.
German nudists will be delighted to know that they can now
be nude at a higher altitude than ever before, as an airline
launches special nude flights.
The flights of nakedness are a nostalgic throwback to the days
of Communism in East Germany, when naturism was permitted
and
found
widespread
popularity.
The
company,
OssiUrlaub.de, is specifically targeting former East Germans
pining for their old, clothing-optional ways
But at around 372 (499) for a trip between Erfurt in the
south-east and Usedom in the Baltic Sea, the naked soaring
will not be for everyone.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=87854&in_pa

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Double fun on double time ,even if one were a Woodcock

The Aberdeen council staff work very hard managing their
leisure
They are required to have double fun on double time in good
measure
You will agree how tough it is for Woodcock to achieve any
pleasure.
Senior Aberdeen council staff were on double time while
having sex in the workplace, it has been alleged.
Former council manager Tom McNeil, 52, is claiming at a
tribunal hearing he lost his job after revealing two colleagues
were involved sexually.Witness Pat Fraser said she could hear
then director of leisure, Brian Woodcock, and a female
employee having sex behind a partition screen
BBC

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He is a police department official with extraordinary

interest in matters religious
Findler Tom is not a peepling Tom
He findles all the thrills flesh is heir to
On the holy computers of church episcopal.
HAMILTON, N.J. (AP) A civilian State Police employee was
accused of sneaking into a church to look at pornography on a
nuns computer. Police arrested Thomas G. Findler Wednesday
and charged him with burglary and theft.
Authorities said Findler had been sneaking into Grace St. Paul
Episcopal Church in the night over the last three weeks to look
at pornography.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8UHAES00&show_article=1

99

We are grateful to the cows for participating

The research studies gases greenhouse
Released by belching cows
We are grateful to the cows
For participating and helping this noble cause.
STOCKHOLM, Sweden A Swedish university has received
$590,000 in research funds to measure the greenhouse gases
released when cows belch.
About 20 cows will participate in the project run by the
Swedish University for Agricultural Sciences in Uppsala, north
of Stockholm.

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Mr.Paxman cannot be blamed for not being brief

Mr.Paxman cannot be blamed for not being brief

Complaining of lack of support for the fig leaf
Slackness in the gusset is not a small matter
What is at stake is the vital issue of mens honour.
Jeremy Paxman is not known for staying silent when vexed by
an issue. Having finally despaired of what he says is the
declining quality of Marks & Spencer underpants and socks,
the Newsnight host finds himself a reluctant flag-bearer for the
legions of British men being let down by sub-standard briefs.
Riled by his disintegrating undercrackers he complains of a
certain slackness in the gusset Paxman wrote an email last
week to the M&S chief executive Sir Stuart Rose to complain.
Something very troubling had happened, he explained,
apologetically and somewhat ironically for a man whose
interviewees would be forgiven for wearing reinforced
undergarments. Marks & Sparks pants, the presenter said, no
longer provide adequate support. Pray tell! Too small? Too
big? Do they get twisted inside his waders, as he stands
waist-deep in an Oxfordshire river, fishing for salmon and
trout?
Yesterday afternoon, after finishing his Sunday lunch, the BBC
interrogator elaborated. This is not just about the weak gusset
issue, said Paxman. It is about the separation of the cotton

101

from the elastic, a very common problem. When I first noticed

this some time ago I thought it might be a detergent problem.
In fact, they are simply not being made to the same standards
they used to be. I have spoken to loads of people, from Peers
of the Realm to gardeners, all men who use these vital items of
equipment, and we agree.
http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article3356207.ece

102

It is their womanly curves that make them want to be in

mens trousers
These women cops do not flaunt terrifying bums in their
trousers
It is just that they look large and menacing along with their
tasers
In fact it is curves that make them want to be in mens trousers.
(Dozens of female officers complained to trade magazine
Police Review that they wore mens trousers because they
looked better.
They were particularly aggrieved by the Simon Cowell-style
high waistbands which cover up curves and the bulky, ill-fitting
material which makes it difficult to run after offenders.One
West Midlands policewoman complained: It does wind me up
that we get these terrible trousers they make your bum look
huge they are massive around the hips.)

103

We do not ogle now; we only google

Pretty girls we have stopped ogling
We have now turned to googling
We collect stocks info like a honeybee
Turned on by the crisp remnimbee.
BEIJING (Reuters) The names of three banks and the word
stocks
beat sex to become four of the most Googled words in China
last year,
according to a Google China list seen on Thursday.

104

The soccer manager has his foot in the mouth, far away
from the ball
The soccer manager shoots off mouth faster than his foot
His foot is often found in the mouth,instead of in his boot.
LONDON (Reuters) Former England soccer manager Steve
McClaren fought off tough competition from U.S. President
George W. Bush to win a dreaded Foot in Mouth award on
Tuesday from the Plain English campaign.

105

The cop is highly useful when you have no tissue

Friend,do not fret if you do not have a tissue
When you have a cop close by that is no big issue
DUNBAR, W.Va. Sometimes you need a police officer;
sometimes you need a tissue.
Confuse the two, and it could cost you. A woman in
Charleston, West Virginia, is facing battery charges after
allegedly wiping her nose on the back of a police officers
shirt.

106

He says he is alive but records speak otherwise

This Romanian man affirms he is alive but records say
otherwise
The poor man is suffering from amnesia and is not speaking
lies.
A Romanian man was not allowed to renew his identity papers
because official records said he had died eight years ago.
Gheorghe Stirbu, 61, was told a death certificate existed stating
that he had died on March 3, 1999 from breathing difficulties
and had been buried on March 22.
Mr Stirbu said he was not ill at the time, and the death
certificate does not appear to be a case of mistaken identity.
He now hopes to show a court that he is still alive, and finally
get his official ID updated.

107