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thoughts feelings and motivations takes mental effort, as it is easy to delude ourselves about
these things.
3) Finally the right motivation leads to better resilience when things don't work out. When we
operate from the basis of enlightened self-interest we are less likely to be so deflated and
resentful when other family members don't appreciate our efforts. We are then more able to learn
and find more effective ways to act.
II. Become an astute observer of your family:
A. Learn all the facts you can
1) Emphasise who,what, when, where, and HOW, not why.
2) Ask yourself questions, such as:
a. Do you know and relate to all members in all branches of your family?
b. Are you equally fair to all, including self?
c. Do you accept all members, although not necessarily approving what those members do?
B. Become aware of:
1) Your family process: the traumas, myths, patterns, rules and binds.
2) The part you play in the process - the myths you believe and the rules you follow - and decide,
of those rules you follow, which ones you like and want to continue following and which ones
you want to change.
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A cutoff member is often one who broke the family rules, and knowing this person gives you
important information. Also, it shakes up the rest of the system when you contact a cutoff
member.
B. Letters, phone calls, visits
1) Writing letters can open up emotional issues from a distance. If you predict the response you
expect in a letter, it may diffuse some of the intensity.
2) Writing to one parent at a time about one emotional issue can focus your effort. Then you can
follow up in a visit.
3) Take responsibility for writing or calling, asking yourself if you are following dysfunctional
patterns or stating your thoughts and feelings in a skilful and helpful way.
4) Initiate both the beginning and ending of phone calls.
5) Plan each visit, determining how long you will be able to relate without getting sucked back
into destructive patterns.
IV. Beginning of change:
A. Take an "I" position in the family
1) Take responsibility for and make clear statements about your own feelings, thoughts, and
actions without blaming the other for the way you are.
2) Control your own emotional reactiveness. Stay between serious and humorous so that you can
move either way, like the zoom lens on a video camera moves in to a close-up and out to observe
the whole group.
3) Humour, fantasy, and the recognition of the absurd can be valuable allies in detoxifying tense
situations.
4) Keep yourself detriangled in the family
a. Insist on one-to-one communication.
b. Avoid taking sides.
c. Avoid listening to negatives about a third person.
5) If you become locked into an emotional triangle with your parents:
a. Move laterally and focus on others who are emotionally important to your parents in their
generation - aunts and uncles.
b. Move vertically and focus on those in the generation above and below your parents (i.e., your
grandparents, great uncles and aunts, or your siblings or cousins.)
c. Connect with someone cut off from the family.
6) Find ways to communicate clearly and openly about matters which are barely or never
referred to, making the covert overt. Secrets are often withheld or differently shared, forming a
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boundary between the secret holder and the unaware family member which can perpetuate
mystification and foster cutoffs.
7) Use your feelings as signals to yourself that you are getting sucked in when old feelings, such
as anxiety, hurt and anger, surface.
8) Take advantage of birth, marriage, divorce, illness and death as prime times for family contact.
It is easier to change one's actions in the family when the family is in crisis or transition.
9) Be aware of the realignment of emotional forces following death, and how the family balance
shifts to fill the void. This is a time when new emotional alliances can form or members may cut
off, or those who have cut off can rejoin the family.
B. Differentiation is a three-step process:
1) You make a differentiating move.
2) You expect opposition from the family togetherness forces.
3) You know what you will do in response to the opposition forces in the family so you are not
taken by surprise.
If you keep on your own calm course, eventually the family members will give up their struggle
and accept that "that's the way you are." At that point, another family member, following your
example, may make a differentiating move.
C. Bowen's three rules for communication with family of origin:
1) Avoid counterattacking when provoked
2) Do not become defensive
3) Maintain an active relationship with other key members without withdrawing or becoming
silent.
More About Murray Bowen
Bowen grew up in Waverly, Tennessee, the oldest child of a large cohesive family. After
graduating from medical school and serving five years in the military, Bowen pursued a career in
psychiatry. He began studying schizophrenia and his strong background in psychoanalytic
training led him to expand his studies from individual patients to the relationship patterns
between mother and child. From 1946 to 1954, Bowen studied the symbiotic relationships of
mothers and their schizophrenic children at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas. Here he
developed the concepts of anxious and functional attachment to describe interactional patterns in
the mother-child relationship.
In 1954, Bowen became the first director of the Family Division at the National Institute of
Mental Health (NIMH). He further broadened his attachment research to include fathers and
developed the concept o triangulation as the central building block of relationship systems
(Nichols & Schwartz, 1998. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 4th ed. Allyn & Bacon). In
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his first year at NIMH, Bowen provided separate therapists for each individual member of a
family, but soon discovered that this approach fractionated families instead of bringing them
together. As a result, Bowen decided to treat the entire family as a unit, and became one of the
founders of family therapy.
In 1959, Bowen began a thirty-one year career at Georgetown University's Department of
Psychiatry where he refined his model of family therapy and trained numerous students,
including Phil Guerin, Michael Kerr, Betty Carter, and Monica McGoldrick, and gained
international recognition for his leadership in the field of family therapy. He died in October
1990 following a lengthy illness.
Bowen's therapy is an outgrowth of psychoanalytic theory and offers the most comprehensive
view of human behavior and problems of any approach to family therapy. The core goal
underlying the Bowenian model is differentiation of self, namely, the ability to remain oneself in
the face of group influences, especially the intense influence of family life.
References
Bowen M, 1978 Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, NY, Aronson
https://www.google.ro/#q=www.thebowencenter.org%2Fpages%2Ftheory.html
http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html
http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/murraybowen.html