1.

Drowsy Consciousness
I'm a dog looking for some grass to scratch my back. I'm incapable of being here
with me and there among all simultaneously.... Thinking what they don't tell yo
u to and thinking only that are two different things because the latter is poten
t and deadly addiction... lethal in all possible ways. I think there is a reason
why standards in school are a year long irrespective of how much time syllabus
could take at most.
Good to see that just this sound of a training passing the town from far... far
from here brings me joy and a subtle sense of freedom. ... Drowsiness... go on l
eaving what all you think you can leave and what all you're made to leave becaus
e all humans who learn to live, learn to feel complete in whatever they have. A
pink girl in pink attire passing might steal the right of this breeze to be felt
and that flower i might have wanted to pluck, were she not here... but then aga
in, another passes and another from there... boring... hope none has plucked tha
t flower... yet.
I don't want them to see me... see me in the state which is permanent... what th
ey're running from. a stranger will never dig you out of your grave... but pleas
e don't hope for the loved ones you left to come and decorate your grave. Have f
aith in their love... and let them live. You're dead, you don't need people anym
ore, do you...? you've a different world. The very moment you stop caring about
what others do, you cut yourself out and want others to not to care too... but i
t often is too easy to misread yourself... spring brings new emotions and winter
to those felt earlier... till there is autumn again....
Could you explain man's failure to be able to build something as blissful as a t
ree even after 8000 years of architectural marvel? May be because the creator of
both tree and a human chose latter to play a practical joke upon him tricking h
im into believing that he can think. ... I don't think i should go too far... ot
herwise i'd no longer be able to hear the voices that remind me of someone who l
oves me and someone hates... that i got promises to keep... that i should live i
n present. Nobody speaks anything new... they just highlight what is already ins
ide. Every single man will have an expression worth marveling once he realizes t
hat he's free and lord of his own life... Animals are those unlucky people who n
ever get a chance to break the rules their lives follow... live an ordered life.
.. kill someone for food and survival and female kills you someday... and mate a
nd die....
We all have a life but most of the times we're just sad because of something we
couldn't have or somebody stole our right on something else... may be luck. I've
seen people keep changing their ideologies without understanding what they're d
oing and what they just did. This finally screws them when something so hurtful
happens that demands them to browse through their dogmatic approaches. This at t
imes scares me to the death that i'm having a hard time taking on my own life's
bit of hopelessness, what would happen if i'd to face the hopelessness of so man
y i see... which is an abyss... you don't have a knife to kill yourself midway..
. may be fear will keep running it on your neck slowly... slowly... you just hav
e to wait for the base to come and kill you... Or say it's not the fall that hur
ts, it's when you hit the ground.
2.Undogmatic but Meaningful... An End.
Come on, contradict me on how an end could ever be dogmatic! If you don't, i'd b
e surprised. Surprised not because there shouldn't be or why you didn't you ask,
but at coming to realization that i was the only idiot to be thinking so...! No
thing can impound an End's right to be discrete, illogical and something not con
vening with the rest of the story. A series of events which are common in even o
ne thing which connects them make a story. One statement would also enunciate th
at ends don't need to have any meaning... just because they're 'the end'... beca
use nothing comes out of them...? No... what comes out of the end of one story i
s the life of one who read that story. This lesson... that comes out of an end m
akes it meaningful or may be meaningless.
I see my life as many stories put together and every end starts new story for me
. It's my life and i've liberty to live as many stories i want, right? Wrong! My
life ain't mine at all. It doesn't obey my wishes... doesn't move a point no ma
tter how awfully am tormented, nor moves with the pace i want it to. And one day
suddenly it makes me live the moment i'd been yearning to live and had almost g
iven up... all so fast! ... this time i stand and think what the hell this is! I
S THIS AN END OR EVEN MEANINGFUL...? And then the butterfly flies away... lookin
g much more beautiful... may be because i'm not realizing that it 'is flying awa
y' or may be because a butterfly must fly free and this is MEANINGFUL. I know me
and my present which is brainchild of many ends and wrath-child of many others.
Back in 12th, i used to like a girl... no this ain't a valentine story! I just l
iked talking her, she seemed to be finding me articulate. Rest i was too damned
busy to carry this thought around and enjoy surreal speculations. I projected my
self to the possible ending based upon the differential equation determining tha
t situation. Actually... the abstract nouns like 'liking someone, love, hatred,
jealousy, fear, grief etc etc' all have a separate general differential equation
of different degrees and those who feel these are only particular solutions. So
, you can decide the neighborhood of the solution or 'the end' if you go by logi
c or 'meaning'. So... i started thinking one night on the terress. I first asked
myself if i could marry her. This implicitly involved the girl willing too whic
h i was too hazy about. Also, i was just in 12 and not earning etc. We were in 1
2th and were bound to 'leave the nest'. Moreover... i know well i ain't superman
and so the girl must have her options open and i must be happy for her if she f
inds a guy better than me.... The fog cleared in just a couple of moments... the
re was no 'desirable, dogmatic end' but surely my keeping to talk her till the l
ast class but not hoping something was a 'meaningful end'. Also, back in 12th i
was a very quiet, never bothering to reply anyone, hell unsocial, physics loving
pessimist. And it always helps to know your own truth... it never lets you hurt
yourself by awfully searing 'hopes'. I did think that no one actually thought h
ighly of me because i was not a good scorer but it didn't bothered me much becau
se i was very clear with whatever i read. I don't think i ever have worked a sin
gle day because i've been doing what i like immensely! ... I met that girl yeste
rday... she passed by me when was at McDonald's of South Extension... I didn't m
essed it up then is the reason probably for her still willing to talk me 3 years
later... 'A meaningful End' that was.
For half an hour or so i was too excited. But as i reached back to hostel and my
room, it all waned. Nothing too good or too bad changes 'the present... the tru
th'. I am workaholic and i don't seek happiness much. I savour sorrow because it
is what puts challenges and adventure before me. It's quite a feeling to see yo
ur end and then put your whole possible self to go as far as possible... but tha
t picture of that abyss never fades... believe me... and why the hell should it.
Self righteousness is an infinite power inside. I know i can not live with fear
... so i choose to make sacrifices. A black coffee can not feel heaven unless yo
u're pensive and realistic. A thing that none can deny is that nothing is ever p
erfect and so you always have a legitimate reason to keep on your hoofs. You cal
l yourself a human, so you can not be happy until you're trying to make other hu
mans happy too... because it's you humanity that makes you human and not knowing
to dress your ass or undress a woman or man in justice to your pituitary secret
ions of sex hormones. What makes me me is knowing myself and not lying myself. I
know i'm nowhere in a secure position yet. Sometimes there seems a lot to live
for but if repetitively asked self what i need, there ain't much to answer with.
This permanence of such secluding thoughts haunt the most when i've to confront
a social situation... But i hope there might be 'a meaningful end' to this too.
3.... Bricked Windows.
There's one like me too who's alive... looks normal, talks people... buys grocer
ies, hop the shops on the season end sales, reads newspaper... dreams about asto
n martins and bentleys, studies something... wears trousers below the shirt etc
etc.... None can actually know better than me that there is in fact something gr
imly troubling with this 'looking common' but not being able to 'behave common..
.' kinda situation.
You understand convergence...? Saving you the misery of math, i succinctly can d
efine this as reaching continually to a point as the time moves. Siting a suitab
le example here i can mention the 'convergence' of thoughts of a 'normal' teenag
e guy on the most chic and dishy eye candy of the school or a 'normal' girl brea
thing heavily for the prefect. And hope few of you might be knowing 'institution
alization'. This word is neither easy to explain nor to understand! Medical dict
ionary defines this as : to accustom (a person) so firmly to the care and superv
ised routine of an institution as to make incapable of managing a life outside.
This 'looking common' problem is best explained if you understand or say could b
e imagining how a person could be 'institutionalized within...'
Please don't think that i'm talking(blabbering) out of my ass, but i do understa
nd and live this condition to a certain extent. I... am not saying that i detest
the society. Hell no! In simple words... i'm inaccessible to anyone except me.
I'll talk to you, listen to you, even laugh with you but after a 'short' while i
need to retire to myself and 'room'. A good explanation comes from my workaholi
sm too... but it's more of an 'engineering approach' than a proper 'purist expla
nation'. For quite long now, i've not called even one of my friends. There is a
kind of reluctance inside before calling and meeting people. What 'my inside' ac
cepts almost instantly is having coffee sometime in night with some heavy metal
or grunge track being played. I think... it roots from the days which i immolate
d for my aspiration while i was supposed to be meaninglessly traipsing with guys
on the roads... My default state and preference is of being alone and thinking.
Mathematics is best suited to people like me. Yaar how you would explain my bei
ng scared of calling my most trusted person of past 7-8 months!! I couldn't expl
ain to myself...! the hell you'd!
Just taught 8085 microprocessor to a junior who too is quite close and when he o
ffered me to use his electric kettle for coffee around 2 am, which is my favorit
e time, i denied... and not that i'd slept a lot, just from 10.30 to 11.56 pm. I
live in college hostel and don't go home more than 10 days in 6 months... trick
y na...? Even hard to take... not because i find it hard, but because i think i'
m hurting people or just that i'm doing something that is not 'healthy'. there i
s a subtle and silent fear that i'll be insulted... or am just afraid to rely th
e person or bank my hopes etc... there can be countless explanations.
I've seen that there are three widespread algorithms of living life : 1st - 'eas
y on self' algorithm. people living by this algorithm try to do or seek to do th
e easiest way for something. e.g. these seek notes from the lecturer when want t
o prepare for exam and never open the book which lecturer doesn't suggest; these
seek coaching etc... marry a girl with job and invest money where the smartest
in the office does; inject their kid to clone themselves!; these are very social
and have a very social funeral finally! These make 'crowd'. Never try to search
a soul in these because whatever you ask these, they'll have only one reply tha
t everyone else is also doing the same thing.
2nd - 'living the dream' algorithm. these are remarkable achievers! Their hard w
ork is quite an afflatus. But sadly... these are very materialistic and selfish
sort. these dream big and almost achieve them. These... monitor market.
3rd - 'seeking salvation' algorithm. Now... this are the people who maintain mor
ality of the society. these are high on philosophy and restlessness inside. thes
e think, like to think and experiment with their lives. God enjoys playing with
these the most...! these people bring about the innovation too. Research, art an
d public welfare are the favorite job choices for these. And these are least in
number... may be in a ratio of 1 in 10 million or so. The problem here often is
that these wrest on themselves the other two algorithms succumbing to the 'press
ure of crowd'.
4th - 'sorry buddy' algorithm. this includes the large number of people who are
hopelessly stuck in misfortunes like poverty and corruption amplified by God who
has kinda trashed these... other three kind of people are supposed to save thes
e.
I identify myself somewhere between 2nd and 3rd kind. 2nd because i got parents
and they... leave it you got my point.
Jim Morrison of 'the doors' band used to keep permanently in a trance or delusio
nal state due to drugs and booze which he believed kept him close to his sub-con
scious and blessed him with very very pensive and stupendous poetry... He was at
the zenith of fame for 5 fuckin years and yet the money and pussies couldn't ge
t to replace the love for poetry inside him. Man died when was 27...! Windows in
a house serve many purposes... but if you brick these windows, it still will be
a house and you can choose to live in it.... there might be people who would pr
efer such a house over a penthouse in baverlly hills or somewhere in LA or a per
fect cottage in a picturesque hill station. Reason... who could perceive better
than these themselves. Could you explain why night comes more naturally to many,
including me, than the day...?
4.Score : Hopelessness-1; Mine... Doesn't Matter.
Psychology text books believe that life is making choices and being able to take
the load of any wrong choice that you made, analyze it and manoeuvre your thoug
ht to reach where you want...! They very vehemently mention that we expect much
before we know what we can get 'in fact' and this leads to sorrow or happiness..
. fulfillment of hopes and expectation from yourself. But you can only imagine w
hat height of control and understanding of self is needed for this.
This is score of me versus hopelessness and it's quite a fruition that it's one
victory over me is more than all my triumphs 'cause the memory of this loss inst
ils a 'fear of the dark' every time you revisit and for a while everything looks
so big that you just want to hide inside your quilt until next thought comes...
might be too long and too late to ever come back to a life worth living. When y
ou're awake and it's broad day light, you see a lot of things and decide where t
o go and what to do. But so is not the case when you ain't being able to locate
that what you need or want... then you take chance.
What does it take to never let up...? I've won over quite obtuse situations comp
letely fueled by misfortune and hopelessness. But when it came to the thing i pr
eached for so long, i stumbled real awfully! it was like... two days left and i'
d done a lot but lot left too and some fiend screaming and chanting all what i c
ould have done to have a better present and yet again some other squealing not t
o give up and use what ever time is left... another very obtusely saying,"you're
gonna lose and nothing can happen now..." All three independent and it was too
fucking NOISE... I was looking for a VOICE... which never i found... wasted days
, kept quiet... tried a bit but then again... ha...haha! Loneliness is when you
want someone to say something that you yourself don't know... it's when you can
not think of any known who could help you out... YOU ARE COMPLETELY ALONE WITH T
HESE FIENDS OF YOURS IN THE LONELINESS; come out or perish, who fuckin' cares! L
osing what you valued almost infinitely is something that is going to linger on
you conscious and sub-conscious memory for eternity. On the other hand, it's imp
ortant to retain the memory of this defeat to learn and analyze your psychology.
But then again is it easy to being needled 24-7?!
Hopelessness is like corruption because it is inside you and knows your fears mo
re than you do. It never fails flashing those memories of your which you think y
ou'd locked in a thick safe, welded the door into walls and threw it into the ma
riana trench! Only solution to this is when you recognize your fears well and kn
ow to fight them. Hopes never let surface fears in their true colours and total
strength. "i won't give up...!" is the only sentence that could be fighting it a
ll, i guess. But like i mentioned earlier, the memory of any loss drags you some
where very very deep inside a foreign a land. The restlessness often lingers eve
n when you come back to terms and this makes noises from these fiends even loude
r. Two days before something you'd been yearning to get since forever and you al
one were but have realized that you may have to let it go this time... if you wo
uld try to explain some of your friend how you're feeling... do you expect him t
o even get it and react in a right way...? He might only be able to show concern
or tell few of 'optimistic shit'... Loneliness seems to have different effects
and nuance in different situations. Psychology text books believe that life is m
aking choices and being able to take the load of any wrong choice that you made,
analyze it and manoeuvre your thought to reach where you want...!
Lately, coffee is not feeling the it used to... this is something kind of killin
g me inside because it was my one and only respite! But lucky i've been that i'v
e over 30gb of heavy metal to find peace in.... Actually it's at times very nece
ssary to have high decibel peace around you to be able to concentrate on your th
ought and do away the constant goading by the fiends i mentioned. For quite some
time now... i've kinda lost my line of thought. No one would disagree that stor
ms test you, but i think silence after it is much more testing... might be in co
mpletely differently though. I'd foreseen this condition of mine though but had
no solutions in mind. This often happens to me that i be able to foresee the tro
ubles and how my own thought is going to bust me in the balls but the multiplici
ty always succeeds in running circles around me. Basic issues that i face is the
utopian use of time but i always end up losing a lot more than i'd have assumed
. I kind of have had a lifetime of mistakes... and yet trying to understand myse
lf. Also m too greedy and don't want to let go of anything that i can have.
Not that i don't believe in love or friendships or anything. The thing here is t
hat i've seen the practical limits of these... i find it more logical to underst
and and know to handle loneliness first because no one can guarantee that your f
riends won't deceive you or your wife might never fall in love with your milkman
...! You'd eventually be alone yaar believe me...!