THE LIBRARY

OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES

GREEK

WIT.

GREEK WIT
A COLLECTION OF

SMART SAYINGS AND ANECDOTES

TRANSLATED FROM GREEK
PROSE WRITERS
BY
F.

A.

PALEY

M.A.

EDITOR OF Martial's kpigrams etc

LONDON

GEORGE BELL AND SONS

York Street Covent Garden

1881

CHISWICK PRESS : C. WHITTINGHAM AND CO.

TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.

V,

NOTICE.

THE

reader will understand that this collection

of Anecdotes

and with no

is

made according

They are taken just

down in the course of reading.

date.

that in

also,

given.

It

to

no order,

classification in respect of subject or

no instance

is

as they

were noted
be observed

It is to

a literal translation

has been thought advisable in

many
may

cases even to abbreviate, that the point of each

be conveyed

in as

purpose intended

few words as possible.

to

nothing would have been gained by any

tion of

For the

amuse, perhaps to instruct

minut e^ ac curacy,

affecta-

by any method or

or

system of arrangement.
It is believed that

not

most of these " Sayings " are

commonly known, nearly

taken from writers

series

Should

might

be

this little

little

all

of them being

read in the schools.

extended

almost

The

indefinitely.

work meet with any

Part II. will follow at no long interval.

success,

Few

English words are more

than Wit.
ness

and

In

origin

its

intelligence, it

incidentally, with joke

latter,

we admire

difficult to define

meaning merely shrewd-

has no connection, except

We

and fn7t.

laugh at the

True wit

the former.

more

is

often allied to satire, and the objects of witticisms,

we know,

didactic,

anecdotes in this
in terse or

ings

but

its

and

most of the

sayings, or in friendly banter-

naturaj__hent

The

mostly displayed in

is

Hence we

"incisive," and to talk of

keenness, &c.

(as in

book) convey great truths

little

homely

cutting remarks.

are

wont

their morality

greatest wits of antiquity

was not equal

making

light of immorality

celebrities,

Sydney Smith stand

Dean

Alas

were

that

to their genius,

rather, that their genius should have

to the

to call wit

point, its edge, its

its

the poets Aristophanes and Martial.

national

Wit

are but top apt to be offended.

may be simply

Swift,

unrivalled.

or

been perverted
!

Among

our

Sheridan, and

Wit

is

a peculiar

phase of cleverness, possessed by few, but one that

is

greatly appreciated

by

selves dunces.

London, September,

1880.

all

who

are not them-

GREEK
ONE

when snow was

day,

the Scythians asked a

it

unclad, whether he

in return,

felt

replied the

cold

oJ

The man asked

whether his majesty

man, "neither do

felt

cold in his
*'

Then,"

I feel the cold, for

Aelian, Var.

all face.''''

King

falling, the

man, v/ho was braving

" Certainly not," said the king.

face?

I am

WIT.

Hist.

vii.

6.

2.

Xantippe, the wife of Socrates, being reluctant

to put

on her husband's mantle to go and see a

procession,

was thus rebuked by him

you are going

for

is

" What

not to see, but to beseen."

Ibid. lo.
3.

vain old envoy from

Keos came

to Sparta

with his hair dyed, being ashamed to appear aged.

Introduced to the assembly, he delivered his message.

Upon which Archidamus,

B

the Spartan king,

GREEK

rose

and

said,

"

How

words of a

can there be anything sound

on

head as well

man who

in the

his

WIT.

goes about with a

as in his heart

Aelian, Var.

lie

"

Hist.

vii.

20.

4-

The

elder Dionysius, in reproaching his son

heir for

some

knew him,

act of debauchery, asked, if

king."

do the like?

the father,

replied the youth,

"And

"had

and

he ever

"You,"

not a father Avho was a

you," rejoined the other, "will

never have a son a king,

if

you don't leave

off

acting thus."

Plutarch,

Reg. et Imp. Apoph,

Dion. Sen.

3.

5-

The same

imposing taxes on the

Dionysius,

people of Syracuse, and observing that they had

recourse to tears and entreaties, and protestations
that they

had no money, made the assessment

twice and even thrice.

But when he heard that

they publicly laughed and jeered at him, he said,

"Stop!

They have no money now; they

beginning to despise me."

are

Il?id. 5.

";

GREEK

WIT.

6.

A certain

came

stranger

to tell Dionysius that

he could instruct him privately

how he might be

When

forewarned of conspiracies against him.

introduced,

he

said,

pounds, that you

"Give me two hundred

may appear

mation of the secret signs."

have had

to

infor-

Dionysius at once

gave the amount asked, that the people might

suppose he had been told something important

and he thought the device a clever one.

Plutarch,

Reg. et Imp. Apoph,

Dion. Sen.

8.

7-

talkative

man was trimming

the beard of

King Archelaus, and asked, " How shall I

*'/

silence,'"

replied the king.

Ibid.

Some one having thrown water

his friends tried to

man.

"

It

threw water

was not
at,

exasperate

cut

Arch.

"
it ?

2.

over Archelaus,

him

I," said the king,

"whom

but the person he supposed

Ibiii.

the

against

he

was.

Arch.

5.

9.

When many great

successes in a single day were

"

GREEK

WIT.

reported to Philip of Macedon,

"

to so

Fortune, do

much good

me some
!

"

he exclaimed,

harm

little

Plutarch,

tit

as a set-off

sup. Phil. 3.

10.

Philip,

in

passing

sentence

on two rogues,

ordered one of them to leave Macedonia with

all

speed, and the other to try and catch him.

Ibid. 12.
II.

When

about to encamp on a beautiful spot, and

being told there was no fodder for the

" What a

Philip exclaimed,

bound

life is

ours, if

to live for the convenience of asses

cattle,

we

are

Ibid. 13.
12.

Being desirous

to

occupy

which the scouts reported

nable, he asked,
it

wide enough

to

a strong position,

be almost impreg-

"Is there not even a pathway

for

to

"
an ass laden with gold?
Ibid. 14.

Some
courtiers

Olynthians

complaining

that

were denouncing them as

remarked, "they were rude and

ing a spade a spade."

Philip's

traitors,

he

illiterate for call-

Ibid, 15.

GREEK

WIT.

14.

Philip,
criticize

a dinner to correct and

essaying at

a musician's performance, was thus ad-

dressed by him:

bad luck

"

as to

Sir,

may you

never have such

understand these matters better

Plutarch, ut

than I."

sttp. PJiil.

29.

15.

Alexander the Great being asked just before a

battle if he
**

had any

further

commands,

Shave the beards of the Macedonian

There

is

replied,
soldiers.

nothing like a beard to get hold of in a

Ibid. Alex. 10.

fight."
16.

Antagoras the poet was cooking a conger-eel

and holding the pan

when Antigonus

himself,

came behind him and asked,

'
'

Do

you suppose

Homer, when he was writing Agamemnon^s deeds,

cooked a conger?"

"do you

suppose

"Sir," replied the other,

Agamemnon,

the doer of such

deeds, troubled himself to inquire whether any of

"
his

men cooked

congers in

camp

Ibid. Aniig. 17,

viii. p.

and Ktyls.^.

340. F.

GREEK

WIT.

17.

being

Themistocles,
rather be

you

Homer

rather be a conqueror at the

or the crier

who

he had
" Would

asked whether

or Achilles, replied,

Olympian games,

proclaims the victors

Plutarch,

"

ut sup. Themist. 2.

18.

man

of Seriphus once remarked to Themis-

tocles, that his greatness

than to himself.

"perhaps
phian,

was due

"Well,"

to his city rather

replied Themistocles,

should not have been famous as a Seri-

nor would you as an Athenian."

Ibid. 7.

19.

Themistocles said that his son,

who knew how

to

wheedle his mother, was the most powerful man in

" For, " says he, "the Athenians rule
all Greece.
the Hellenes, I rule the Athenians, your mother

me, and you rule your mother "

rules

Ibid. 10.

20,

An
him

illiterate

to write

name "

man came

on the

Aristides."

billet

"Do

to Aristides,

for his

and asked

banishment the

you know him? " asked

GREEK
"No,

the minister.

him always

IVIT.

don't; but I hate to hear

Arislides made no
own name as he was rePlutarch, iit sup. Arist. 2.

called the ynst.''^

reply, but wrote

quested.

his

2!.

Aristides, being sent out

whom

Themistocles, with

on an embassy with
he was not friendly,

asked him whether they should give up their

enmity
ing

at the

we

border of Attica

can, if

we

" For on return-

please," said he,

"take

again."

up

it

Ibid. 3,

22.

Alcibiades, having bought a remarkably hand-

some dog

for a large

sum, cut off

it,

'

its tail.

do," said he, "that the Athenians

may

'

This

and not concern themselves with any other

of mine."

talk about
acts

Ibid. Ale. 2.

23-

Being told that Pericles was engaged

dering

how he

Athenians, Alcibiades remarked,

"Would

be wiser to consider how he should

accounts?"

in consi-

should give in his accounts to the

7iot

it

not

give his

Ibid. 4.

"

GREEK

WIT.

24.

Lamaclius was blaming one of his

"I

mistake he had committed.

again,"

"No,"

he.

says

officers for

will not

a
it

Lamachus,

replied

"mistakes cannot be made twice

do

in war."

Plutarch,

ut

stip.

Lam.

25.
Iphicrates,

and a palisade, though

"What

asked,

camp with a mound

fortifying a

in a friendly countiy,

have we

words a general can

"The

to fear?"

he

utter,"

never should have thought

it !

replied,

"

was

worst

are,

"/

lb. Iph. 2.

26.

Phocion, finding that

their approval of a

marked

to a friend,

all

the Athenians expressed

measure he was proposing,

'

thing bad by mistake

'

Surely

re-

have not said somelb. Phoc. 4.

27.

Demosthenes,

the orator, having said,

Athenians will put you to death,

wits,"

some one

them."

replied,

"And

if

"the

they lose their

you,

if

they retain
lb. 6.

GREEK

WIT.

28.

The

wife of Pelopidas entreated him,

going forth to a

"The

advice," he replied,

of the citizens."

"which should be

commander

given to a ruler and a

when

to take care of himself.

battle,

Plutarch,

tit

is,

to take care

sup. Pelop. 2.

29.

On

fallen in with the

pidas,

"We have
enemy," " Rather," said Pelo-

one of his soldiers remarking,

"the enemy has

fallen in

with us."
Ibid. 3.

30.

by a friend playing

Agesilaus being seen

at

horses with his children by riding on a stick, said

him, "Tell nobody,

to

self."

till

you are a father your-

Apoph. Lac, Ages.

Ibid.

70.

31.

Two

persons requested Archidamus to act

arbitrator in a quarrel.

by

my decision?"

oath,

he replied,

*
'

he asked.

"Then

not leave this temple

till

as

Will you swear to abide

On their

assent under

adjudge that you shall

you have made friends."

Ibid.

Arch. [Zeux.

fil.) 6.

"

CREEK

lo

WIT.

The same Archidamus, on

letter
said,

from Philip

"

If

not find

you

it

will

receiving a harsh

after the battle of

Chaeronea,

measure your shadow, you

will

has become longer since your victor}'."

Plutarch,

2^/ J'///.

Arch. {Ages, fil.)

i.

33.

Spartan ephor cut

harp,

of the strings of a

tvv'o

saying to the performer,

music."

" Don't murder

Ibid.

Emerep.

I.

34-

Demaratus, on hearing a player on the harp,

remarked,

"He

doesn't twiddle badly.

Ibid.

Dan.

3.

35-

Demaratus, being asked

he was

silent

through

thing to say, replied,

at a

folly or

"A

meeting whether

because he had no-

{oolcozildnoi be silent."
Ibid. 4.

36.

Eudamidas, hearing an old philosopher

and being

told

he was seeking

lecture,

after virtue, asked,

GREEK
"And when

will

he use

it,

WIT.
he

if

Plutarch,

ing for it?"

now lookEudam. 2.

only

is

ut sup.

37.

on

Callicratidas,

it

if I

have taken

had been you."

it,"

he rejoined, "

dishonourable

a
'

was pressed by Cleander,

bribe,

taken

declining

'

would have

"And
if I

so should I

had been jk<?2^"

Ibid. Callicr. I.

38.

Cleomenes, on being offered some fighting-cocks,

reconimended to him as "fighting

said,

"Give me

them

to the death,"

cocks that will

rather the

kill

they are the better birds."

Ibid. Cleom. I.

39-

Leotychidas, the son of Aristo, was told that

certain people were speaking

not surprised," said he

hov,- to

ill

of him.

"

am

"not one of them knows

speak well."

Ibid. Leot.

I.

40.

A snake having twined itself round

was declared by the

seers to

a key, which

be a portent, Leoty-

GREEK

12

WIT.

chidas remarked, "It would have been more of

a portent

if

the

key had twined

snake."

round a

itself

Vi.^^'YK^QYi^ ut sup. Leot.

2.,

41.

Philippus, a
initiate

man

"Why,
may no

the happier for

it

after death.

then," said Leotychidas to him,

you die yourself

professed to

persons in the Orphic mysteries, telling

them they would be

wail

in great poverty,

at

"don't

once, you old fool, that you

longer have poverty and misery to be-

"

Ibid. Lcot. 3.

42.

When some

one said to Leonidas,

are near us," he rejoined,

"And we

enemy."

"The enemy
are near the

Ibid. Leon. 7.

43.

Spartan was asked

beard.
hairs in

He
it,

replied,

why he wore

" That when

such a long

I see

may do nothing unworthy

Ibid.

the white

of them."

Diaph. Apoph.

3.

44.

A Spartan, being told

that the guests at a certain

GREEK

WIT.

13

banquet were compelled to drink, asked,

they obliged to eat too

**

Are

"
?

Plutarch, Dioph. Apoph.

5.

45.

Pindar having called Athens ''the support of

Hellas," a Spartan remarked that Hellas would

have a
that

ever

fall if

danced on such a support

it

as

Ibid, 6.

46.

Some one

seeing a picture of Laconians being

by Athenians, observed, "Brave

killed

''On

these Athenians."

canvas,'''

fellows,

interposed a

Laconian.

Ibid. 7.

47.

Some one plucked

gale,

and finding

"You

little

it

the feathers from a nightin-

a very small bird, exclaimed,

wretch, you're nothing but voice I

""^

Ibid, 13.

48.

man

at

Sparta said to a Laconian, "

cannot stand as long as I on one leg."

replied the other,

"but any goose

can.^''

You
"No,"

Ibid, 16.

49.

A Laconian

painted on his shield a

fly

not larger

GREEK

14

than the

doing

do

to

it

enemy

When

life.

this to

WIT.

him with

his friends taunted

escape observation, he replied,

be seen, for

come

up

so close

that they can plainly see

it,

"I

to the

small as

it is."

Plutarch, Diaph. Apoph.

38.

50.

Some

persons meeting on the road a party of

Laconians said to them,

"You

are in luck, for

banditti have just left the place."

in not

rather theirs,

meeting

"The

reply.

is

Ibid. 33.

Some one

seeing the respect paid to elders at

Sparta, remarked,
it

luck

was the

v/ith us,"

" This

is

the only place where

pays one to grow old."

Ibid. 57.

52.

Confessor at the Mysteries asked a Laconian

what most grievous

replied,

"The

inquired, "

sin

Must

I tell

god," was the reply.

retire."

he was conscious of?

gods know."

He

Being pressed, he

you, or the god

" Then,"

said he,

" The

"

" do you

Ibid. 65.

GREEK

WIT.

IS

53-

A man
Rushing

at

it

with his lance, he exclaimed,

to escape

think

death

passing a g-rave at night saw a ghost.

"

"You

me, but look out for a second

Plutarch, Diapk. Apoph.

66.

54.

Laconian, having met with a defeat in a

wrestling-match at Olympia, was told that the ad-

" Not

versary had proved himself a better man.

a better

man,''''

said he

" only a better thrower."

Ibid. 69.

55-

Another Laconian

enemy when a
why he did not

recall

v/as just

going to stab his

was sounded.

slay his foe

Being asked

when he was

power, he answered, " Because

than to kill."

it is

in his

better to

obey

Ibid. 65.

56.

Apicius, a celebrated glutton, was very fond of

prawns, and used to spend large sums on them at

Minturuce in Campania.
larger in Libya,

delay,

Hearing they were

still

he sailed thither without a day's

and had a very rough passage. The

natives,

apprised of his arrival, brought their finest prawns

to the ship,

" Have you none

larger than these?"

GREEK

X6

WIT.

"None,"

he asked, on seeing them.

Then

they replied.

back to Minturnte this instant," said

he to the captain, " and don't touch at land."
','

sail

Athenaeus,

B.

p. 7.

i.

57.

Philoxenus, the poet, was dining with Dionysius.

Observing a large mullet placed before the host,

and a small one before

his

hands and applied

himself, he took his fish in

it

poem on

Galatea, and I

" What are

to his ear.

"lam

you doing?" asks Dionysius.

was

But

formation about Nereus.

my

Yours,

it

wish to learn."

poet his big

says,

is

older,

some

fish tells

was caught too young, and never went

train.

writing a

just asking

in-

me

it

in Nereus's

and knows

all

that

Dionysius laughed, and sent the

Ibid. p. 6. E.

fish.

58.

An

Epicurean was present

have the Helen of the

carry her off."

the backbone.

And

at

a banquet in which

" Here," says

a fine eel was served up.

feast

I will

he,

"we

be Paris, and

he stripped the whole side to

Athen.

vii. p.

298. D.

59.

Dorion,

flute-player,

hearing some one at

"

GREEK

WIT.

17

dinner praise the under-cut of a tunny-fish, ob-

"Very

served,

do. "

"

Ho w

is

you should eat

true: but
that

?"

Why, you
Athen. viii.
* *

as I

it

m ust like

'

it.

D.

p. 337.

60.

The same Dorion,

in Cyprus,

the host,

dining with one Nicocreon

artist

shall

"Let him make

and you shall make

another."
reply,

'

'

"

admired a goblet.

"the

If

you like," says

make you
it

just such

for jj/o,"

this

was the

one a present to

me."

Ibid.

61.

The same Dorion was punishing a slave for not

" Don't you know even their
fish.

having bought

names
**

Do

"

he asked. "Salmon, turbot, mullet

stop," said he; "those are the

names of
A.

Ibid. p. 338.

angels, not offish."

62.

The same

artist

had a

club-foot,

and missed the

"My

dress-shoe of the lame foot at a banquet.

worst wish to the

the shoe

may Jil

thief, "

he exclaimed, "

is,

that

Ibid.

him.''^

63.

A stole a fish

in joke,

and gave

it

to B,

Being

"

GREEK

i8

charged with the

have not got

it."

"

says,

know no one

theft,

and

it,

who

else

*'I s\vear that I

says,

know no one

swear

WIT.

has

else

did not take

who took
it,

and I

it."

Athen.

viii. p.

338. C.

64.

Aristippus was blamed

bought so many

them," said

'

torts the other,

yours

is

to

by Plato

'

for that."

If

my

for

having

only gave twopence for

" Why, " says

he.

have bought them

fish,

"

fish.

Plato,

"Do

fault is to

"/could

you see,"

re-

be too fond of

be too fond of money. "

Ibid,

65.

Theocritus, of Chios, said to one Diodes, a fishglutton,

who had

lost his wife

and was cramming

in fish at her funeral feast, while at the

he shed tears:

by

fish-eating

"Weep

not

same time

you can do no good

Ibid. p. 344.

B.

66.

Demylus, seeing a nice dish of

and wishing

to have

it

fish at

all to himself,

a banquet,

spat into

it.

Ibid. p. 345. C.

"

GREEK

WIT.

19

67.

One

pupils, but one statue of Apollo,

Muses.

had only two

Stratonicus, a music-master,

how many

Being asked,

he replied, "Twelve

and nine of the

pupils he had,

including the gods."

Athen.

'

p. 348.

viii.

D.

68.

Stratonicus, on giving a performance

The same
at Rhodes,

and

failing to get

theatre with the remark,

which

any applause,

you nothing, how can

costs

any money from you

left

"If you won't do

"

the

that

expect to get

Ibid. p. 350. B.

69.

The same remarked

that

"he was

of one Satyrus, a sophist,

surprised his mother

borne for ten months one

whom no

could have

city could bear

Ibid.

for ten days.

70.

The same, meeting an acquaintance whose

shoes

were particularly well blacked, condoled with him

on

his fallen fortunes.

"For,"

said he,

"none

but yourself could have cleaned those shoes so

well!"
'

The joke

Ibid. p. 351.
is

better in the Greek, for

the meaning " thanks to the gods."

o-lv toTj SecT;

A.

has also

GREEK

20

The same, on
at a

shrine

WIT.

many

seeing

dedicatory tablets
ex-

near a badly-served cold bath,

"Every bather here leaves a token of

thankfulness for his life." Athen. viii. p. 351. A.
claimed,

72.

The same, hearing some one

wrote

sing, asked,

"The

verses?"

the

poet

"Who
"I

Crab."

thought," he rejoined, "it was a crab rather than

a man."

Ibid, p, 351. F.
73-

The same, coming

to a well in a

faced inhabitants, asked

able

^^We drink

"Then,"

replied he,

it,"

"

if

town with pale-

the water was drink-

said the water-drawers.

it is 7iot

drinkable,"
Ibid. p. 352.

74-

One Pampelus, being asked his opinion of the

who were gluttons, replied, " Their con-

Boeotians,

versation

is

just

what

that of pots

they had a voice, namely,

how much

would be

if

each holds."

Ibid. ix. p. 418.

A.

75.

Pyrrho,

of Elis,

when one

of his friends

had

GREEK

WIT.

21

given him an expensive entertainment, exclaimed,

*'

I shall

me

so.

not

come

It pains

to

me

expense unnecessarily
at table

jj'<3r

house again,

if

you

treat

you incurring so much

to see

why, you have hardly room

from the number of dishes

Entertain us

with mutual conversation rather than with a great

variety

go into the

of which

of viands, most

stomachs of the

-cvaitersy

Athen.

ix. p.

419. D.

76.

Plato, living in the

Academy

at

Athens, which

the physicians considered unhealthy,

to

remove

to the

removed even

Lyceum.

to the top of

was advised

"I would not have

Mount Athos," he

replied, "for the sake of a longer life."

Aelian, Var.

Hist. ix. 10.

77.
It

were

was a saying of Themistocles, "If some one

to

show me two

roads, the one leading to

the devil, the other to parliament, I would choose

Ibid. 18.

thefanner''
78.

Aristippus the philosopher

in a storm at sea.

showed much anxiety

" What yon

!

afraid, like the

"

GREEK
rest ?

WIT.

" asked one of his fellow-passengers.

replied he,

" the

risk is

of losing a wretched, to

'
'

Yes,

common to both to you

me of losing a happy life."

Aelian, Var.

Hist.

ix.

20.

79-

Aristotle, being unwell,

On some

sician.

was treated by his phy-

prescription that

he remarked, " Don't treat

country bumpkin.

Give

me

me

was given him

as

you would a

a reason

treatment, and I will comply."

for

your

Ibid. 23.

80.

certain Sybarite

had arrived

at such a pitch

of luxurious affectation that he would not sleep

even on a bed of rose-leaves.

They

he complained.

blistered him,
Ibid. 24.

81.

King Antigonus had a

One

Citium.

when

said,

"

little

intoxicated.

swear

"Then go and

great regard for

Zeno of

day, he paid the philosopher a visit

I will

"My

dear Zeno," he
"

do anything you bid

me

take an emetic," was the reply.

Ibid. 26.

GREEK

WIT.

23

82.

Spartan was praising a saying of Hesiod's,

**Not even an ox would be

bad neighbour,"

cynically replied,

and

their

lost if

one had not a

who

in the hearing of Diogenes,

"But

oxen too; and

the Messenians are lost,

jj/^//

are their neighbours."

Aelian, Var.

Hist.

ix.

28.

83.

Some one remarked

to Socrates,

"

It is

a great

thing to get what one desires. " " It is a still greater

thing," he replied, " to have no desires."
Ibid. 29.

84.

young man of Eretria had been a pupil of

On his return home, his

Zeno's for some time.

father asked

learnt?

At

this

"

him how much philosophy he had

show you some day," he replied.

I will

answer his father boxed his ears, and the

" That is what I have
it patiently.

youth bore

learnt," he said

"

to bear a father's anger."

Ibid. 33.

85.

Diogenes went to Olympia, and seeing certain

young gentlemen from Rhodes splendidly clad, he
Soon after, seeing some Lacesaid, "Stupid:"

GREEK

24

demonians

in

WIT.

shabby and dirty

" Stupid again

"

attire,

Aelian, Var.

he exclaimed,

Hist.

ix.

34.

86.

Anaxarchus used
Great
ill,

for calling

to

laugh

Alexander the

at

himself a god.

One day he was

and the physician ordered him a pudding.

"All hopes of our god,"

in this

pudding

said Anaxarchus, "lie

"

Ibid. 37.

87.

Plato, obsei-ving that the people of

had

costly houses

marked
ever,

Agrigentum

and gave costly banquets,

re-

that they built as if they were to live for

and dined as

if

they Avould be dead for ever.

Ibid. xii. 29.

88.

Apelles the painter, seeing a picture by another

which had been many years

"

great

work

very famous

if

in hand, exclaimed,

great artist

It

there were but beauty in

would be
"
it

Ibid. 41.

89.

Hippomachus, a teacher of the

pupil with his stick.

must have played a

"You

flute,

struck a

fool," said he,

false note,

would never have praised you."

" you

or this audience
Ibid. xiv. 8.

GREEK

WIT.

25

90.

The Athenians elected Demades

ceit,

asks Phocion to lend

coat he wears in service."

anything

dirty,

for their general,

Demades,

to the rejection of Phocion.

full

while you are what you are," was

Aelian, Var. Hist.

the reply.

of con-

him " that dirty old

" YoiCll never want

xiv. 10.

91.

The

poet Agathon

made

great use of antithetical

To some one who proposed to omit

he replied, " You little know that you are

sentences.

them,

taking Agathon from Agathon."

Ibid. 13.

92.

Pauson the painter was commissioned

to paint

a horse in the act of rolling, but he painted

full trot.

replied,

On
"Turn

it

at

the objection being made, Pauson

the picture upside down, and any

horse rolling will be a horse trotting."

Ibid. 15.

93-

The people of Chios were engaged in a

quarrel.
The victorious party proposed
all their

political

to eject

opponents, but a sagacious citizen said,

GREEK

26

" Leave some of them

of time,

WIT.

at least, for in the course

we have no enemies

if

to fight, Ave shall

begin to fight with ourselves,"

Aelian,

Va?'. Hist. xiv. 25.

94.

Antagoras

the

Arcesilaus of the

The

latter

was

poet

Academy,

walked about

quietly, conversing with

his friends, taking care to

thickest,

abusing

violently

in the public square.

go where the crowd was

more might be disgusted

that

fellow's insolence.

at

the

Ibid. 26.

95-

The

Persian king sent Antalcidas a chaplet of

roses dipped in a costly perfume.

"

am much

obliged to you for your kindness, " was the reply,

" but you have

quite spoilt the smell of the roses."

Ibid. 39.

96.

Ptolemy (Philadelphus) was very fond of playing

at dice.

One

day, while so engaged, a minister

came and read out

condemned,

in

the

names of

order to obtain

certain persons
his

Berenice, his wife, would not allow the

read through.

"The

fall

of a

man,"

signature.
list

to

be

said she.

GREEK

IVIT.

27

"is something very different from the

dice,

and

is

of the

fall

too serious to be discussed at play."

Aelian, Var.

Hist. xiv. 43.

97-

boji-vivant of Sybaris

came

to Sparta,

"

invited to the frugal public meal.

he, "greatly to

but

now

admire the courage of the Spartans,

The

greatest

to such a life as this

The people

"

Athen.

He
who

at

He had become
their horses to

banquets, standing on their hind

and making movements with

therefore hired

So,

their fore feet.

a flute-player from

taught the whole

proper tunes.

518. E.

and conquered by an ingenious

aware that the Cardians taught

dance to music

xii. p.

invaded by the

of Cardia were

Bisaltae,

in that

coward would prefer death

device of their general Onaris.

legs

and was

used," said

do not think they surpass others

respect.

Thracian

when

Cardia,

regiment of Bisaltse the

the tight

mencing, the pipers struck up the

was
air,

just

and

com-

all

the

Cardian horses rose on their hind legs and began

to

dance

Ibid. p. 520. F.

GREEK

28

WIT.

99.

Cotys,

King of Thrace, pretended

that he

was

married to the goddess Athena, and prepared a

fine

chamber

for her.

When

tipsy,

his guards to see if the goddess

On

there.

replying,

"No," he

This occurred a second time

more

sagacious, brought

had been expecting

he sent one of

was awaiting him

him dead.

shot

a third messenger,

word

that the

goddess

his majesty for a long time.

Athen.

xii. p.

531. F.

100.

Some one told Diogenes that he had no sense.

"I have sense," he replied, "but perhaps my
sense

is

different

from yours."

Stob^us,

Flor.

iii.

62.

lOI.

The same Diogenes, on being

Corinth,

could do.

sold as a slave at

was asked by the auctioneer what he

"Rule men," he

"Do

replied.

you

suppose," asked the other, "that people want to

buy masters ?

"

/did. 6^.

102.

Crates compared stupid

men to

drill.

" Unless

GREEK

WIT.

29

you use a strap and apply some force," he said,

" they will not do the work required of them."
Stob.-eus, Flor.

Demades compared
*'

Take

iv.

52.

the Athenians to a clarionet.

out their tongues," said he, " and they are

nothing."

Ibid. 69.

104.

when Theo-

schoolmaster was reading badly,

critus

asked him

"Because," he

why he

replied,

"Then why do you

did not teach geometry.

"I

teach

don't understand it."

reading

rejoinder.

was the

Ibid. 70.

105.

Socrates, seeing a wealthy but ill-taught

man, exclaimed, " Look

at that

young

golden slave

"
!

Ibid. 85.

106.

Stilpo

was asked, "What

"A man of no

is

colder than a statue?"

feeling," said he.

Ibid. 89.

107.

Socrates used to say, that as

of

God

possible

to

want nothing, so

comes the nearest

to

to

it

is

want

God.

the attribute
as little as
Ibid. v. 35.

GREEK

30

WIT.

1 08.

Epaminondas, knowing that some ambassadors

had come
breakfast,

to

bribe him, gave them a very bad

"Go

and said on parting,

master the sort of breakfast that

he

will understand that

/ am not

a traitor."

and

satisfies

man

the

tell

to

Stob.'EUS, Flor.

your

me, and

become

v.

48.

109.

Diogenes used

to say, that

many

persons

make

beasts of themselves in order to destroy their lives,

and yet desire

their

to be

embalmed

in order to preserve

dead bodies.

Ibid. vi. 3.

no.
Alexander threatened
philosopher.
rot

"

to

hang Anaxarchus the

care not," said he,

above the earth or below

it.

"

"whether

Ibid. vii. 30.

III.

Diogenes the cynic, observing a person pretending to be in love with a rich old

"

He

woman,

said,

has not got his eye on her, but his tooth."

Ibid. ix. 61,

112.

Philoxenus was sent to the stone-quarries by

Dionysius for contempt of his verses.

Being

re-

GREEK
called,

WIT.

3x

he was invited again to hear them.

"Whither now?" asked Dionysius.

quarries,''''

says he.

Diogenes,

After

he got up to go.

listening patiently for a time,

'^

Stob.^us, Flor.

when blamed by an

To

xiii.

the

i6.

inhabitant

of

Attica for praising the Lacedemonians, was asked

why he

did not rather take up his abode there.

"A physician,"

he replied, " studies other people's

health, but does not reside

among

the healthy."

Ibid 25.
114.

when some one

Bion,
plate the

was
half,

laid

on the

at the

put on his

at a dinner

whole upper side of a

table, turned

it

fish as

soon as

it

and took the other

same time quoting a verse from the

Bacchae of Euripides,

"And

Ino did the same to

th'

other side."

Athen.

V. p.

186.

D.

lis-

Eucrates, dining at a house which seemed in-

secure and likely to

fall,

remarked,

"Here one

"

"

GREEK

32

WIT.

ought to dine in the attitude of the Carj^atides,

holding up one's

left

hand

as a prop.

Athen. vL

p. 241.

D.

116.

A parasite,
feast,

was

having come uninvited to a marriage-

was no room for

" Count again," said he, "be-

told to retire, as there

a supernumeraiy.

ginning this time with me."

Ibid. p. 245.

A.

117.

King Ptolemy,

at a dinner,

had a way of leaving

nothing on dishes that were handed round.

ing

this,

a guest asked,

*'

Am

See-

I tipsy, sir, or is it

a fancy that these things are going rotcnd

"
1

Ibid. p. 245. F.

118.

A host had
bread.

placed on his tables loaves of brown

"These

ghosts of loaves. "

are not loaves," says one,

" Don't put too

many

"but

of those,

exclaims another, "or the room will be darkened."

Ibid. p. 246.

A.

119.

King Lysimachus, who was somewhat

stingy,

once put a wooden scorpion into the dress of a

GREEK

WIT.

33

parasite, for the purpose of frightening him.

will frighten

j^w,

hundred pounds

sir,"

"

Athen.

vi. p.

me two

he said; "give

"

246. E.

120.

Philip once gave a parasite a horse that

The man

been badly wounded.

sold him,

on being asked some time afterwards by

*'

Where's your horse

? "

he replied,

of his wound."

and

Philip,

He

*'

had

is

sold

Ibid. p. 248. E.

121.

Alexander the Great was bitten by the

was trying

to drive

"These

terer remarked,
rior to the rest,

them away, when a

flies, sir,

flies,

and

court-flat-

will be far supe"

having had a taste of your blood

Ibid. p. 249. E.

122.

Cheirisophus, a flatterer in the court of Dionysius,

saw

friends,

his

patron laughing heartily with his

though he himself was too

what was being

said.

asked Dionysius.

"

far

off"

to hear

"Why do

I trust yozi,"
"

the joke being a good one

you laugh?"
he replied, " for
Ibid.

123.

flatterer,

seeing Alexander looking very un-

GREEK

34

WIT.

comfortable after some physic he had taken, asked,

" What must we poor mortals do, when you

gods

suffer

*'

such tAvinges?"

"say

claimed the king,

Gods^ indeed

Athen.

anger of the gods."

" ex-

under the

rather, those

251. C.

vi. p.

124.

Democritus, seeing

officers

prison, cried out to him,

did you not steal

Then

it

much

*'

taking a thief to

My

would have been

for

why

little ?

you to take others to

Stob^eus,

prison."

man

poor

instead of only a

Floi'. xiii. 30.

125.

A thief
ing,

"

excused himself to Demosthenes by say-

did not

did know,"

know

said the

it

"But you

was yours."

other,

"that

it

yours."

was not

Ibid. 32.

126.

Dionysius the tyrant, to put a slight upon Plato,

gave him the lowest seat

say," he observed,

Athens he

will

at his table.

have plenty

"Sir," says Plato, "

"I dare

" when Plato goes back to

hope

to say against wj."

I

may

never be so at

GREEK

WIT.

35

a loss for subjects of conversation, as to have to

talk about you."

Stob.eus, Flor.

xiii.

36.

127.

young man attended

by a crowd of flatterers, exclaimed, " Poor youth,
Crates, seeing a wealthy

I pity

your want of friends

"

Ibid. xiv. 20.

128.

Diogenes asked a spendthrift to give him

"Why so

pounds.

much," he

you ask others

for sixpence

was the

"

them

reply,

again,

which

hope
is

inquires,

only?"

five

"when

"Because,"

something out of

to get

more than

you."

can hope from

Ibid. XV. 9.

129.

Democrates

in his old age being out of breath in

"

ascending to the Acropolis, obsen^ed,

same with

all

'Tis the

the citizens plenty of puffing, but

very Httle of strength."

Ibid. xx. 43.

130.

Socrates used to say, that

if

proclamation in the theatre,

blers

"

" Stand

up, weavers

any

crier

"Stand
!

" &c.,

up,

made
cob-

only those

"

GREEK

36

WIT.

named would do so; but

sense

" were the order,

"Stand

up,

The most damaging mistake

sitting.

added,

if

is this,

men

of

not one would remain

he

in life,

that the majority are fools,

and yet

believe themselves to be wise.

Stob/EUS, Flor.

xxiii. 8.

131-

Lampis the shipowner was asked, how he

*

quired his great fortune.

he replied

"

my

'

ac-

yiy great fortune, easily,

small one, by dint of exertion."]

Ibid. xxix. 87.

132.

^schylus, witnessing a boxing-match at the

Isthmian games, when the people cried out
hit,

exclaimed, " See what practice does!

man who

has

made

the hit

is

while the

silent,

spectators shout."

at

The

Ibid. 89.

133.

Cephisodorus once remarked, that no

squandered a fortune made by himself ;
inherited from another that

man

it

ever

was that

was wasted.
Ibid. 98.

134.

Simonides used to

say,

"He

never once re-

"

GREEK

WIT.

37

gretted having held his tongue, but very often he

had

felt

sorry for having spoken.

Stob^eus, Flor.

xxxiii. 12.

135.

Zeno

who was more disposed to

"Young man, nature gave us
two ears, that we may hear just

said to a youth

talk than to listen,

one tongue but

twice as

much

as

we

Ibid, xxxvi. 19.

speak."

136.

Bion the

sophist, seeing

an envious

very downcast, remarked,

harm has happened

man looking

"Either some

to him, or

great

some great luck

to

Ibid, xxxvii. 50.

his neighbour."

137-

A man

of Seriphus, being taunted by an Athe-

nian with the obscurity of his birthplace, retorted,

"

If

my country

is

a discredit to me, you are a disIbid, xxxix. 29.

credit to your country."

138.

Solon, on being asked

how wrong-doing can be

who are not

avoided in a State, replied, " If those

wronged

feel the

w^ho are."

same indignation

at

Ibid,

it

as those

xliii.

77.

GREEK

38

WIT.

139-

Socrates used to say, the best form of govern-

ment was
and the

that in

rulers

which the people obey the

rulers,

obey the laws.

StoB/EUS, Flor.

xliii.

89.

140.

Antisthenes the philosopher declared the com-

mon hangman was more

for if the

god-fearing than a tyrant,

one puts to death malefactors, the other

kills the innocent.

Ibid. xlix. 47.

141.

The same, hearing one

say,

"This war

death to the poor," observed, " Rather,

the creating of

many poor."

it

Ibid.

will

be

will

be

li.

11.

142.

Aratus of Sicyon, hearing a rash youth praised

for his bravery in war, said,

"It

is

one thing to

prize courage, another thing to disprize life."

Ibid. liv. 15.

143-

Agesilaus was asked

their hair long.

He

why

the Laconians wore

replied,

"Because of

personal ornaments this costs the least."

Ibid. Ixv. 10.

all

GREEK

WIT.

39

144.
disAristippus was being blamed by his wife for
*' is part of
his own son, " who," she said,

liking

" That

yourself." Spitting on the ground, he said,

too

is

part of myself, but

it is

me

of no use to

"
!

Flor. Ixxvi. 14.

Stob.^us,
145-

An

was displaying a complex map of

the public square, and pointing out,
wandering stars." " It is not the stars

astrologer

the stars in

" These

are

that are wandering," said Diogenes,

"but your

Ibid. Ixxx. 6.

audience."
146.

Anacreon, having received from Polycrates a

large

of

it.

sum

of money, lay

After this

awake two nights thinking

saying, " It did
it,

he returned

Ibid. xc. 25.

not pay for the anxiety."

147.

Gorgias,

had

when asked by what

course of

attained so gi-eat an age, replied, "

life

he

By never

eating or doing anything merely for pleasure."

Ibid.

c.

21.

148.

Diogenes, noticing a person

who had

cut off his

GREEK

40

beard, said to liim,

"

WIT.
suppose you intend to

man and

reproach Nature for making you a

Athen.

woman."

xiii.

not a

p. 565. C.

149.

An under-sized flask of wine was sent as a present

to a lady, with the intimation that

years old.

"And

it

very small for

was sixteen

its

age," she

Ibid. p. 584. B.

said.

150.

Gorgo, the

little

daughter of King Cleomenes,

seeing Aristagoras having his shoes put on by a

servant, exclaimed,

who

" Father, here

is

a gentleman

has got no hands."

Plutarch, Apoph.

Lac.

151.

Spartan, on going to war, complained to his

mother that

his

sword was rather too

get one step nearer," she

short.

*
'

Then

Ibid.

said.

152.

Parysatis,

advised one

the mother of Cyrus (the younger),

who was about

to

speak freely to the

king, to use words wrapped in fine linen.

Ibid. Reg. et

Imp. Ap.y Parysat.

"

GREEK

WIT.

41

153-

Memnon, engaged

war with Alexander on

in a

behalf of Darius, said to one of his mercenaries,

who was
you

Alexander:

violently abusing

"I pay
And

him."

to fight Alexander, not to revile

he gave him a smart blow with his lance.

Plutarch,

ibid.

Memnon.

154.

Cotys, king of Thrace, was conscious of having

a hasty temper, and punishing his servants too

severely.

of

One day

some very

a present

made

the giver a

ately

smashed the

was brought

to

and delicate porcelain.

costly

handsome
set,

punish too harshly in

present,

"I

should

anger some one

breaks these.

He

and immedi-

"lest," he said,

my

him

who

Ibid. Cotys.

155.

Ateas, having taken captive a celebrated fluteplayer,

asked him

for

a tune.

When

all

the

courtiers applauded the performance, he remarked,

"

My horse

can neigh better."

Ibid. Ateas.

156.

Dionysius the elder was blamed for keeping at

court a

man

of bad character

and much disliked by

GREEK

42

WIT.

His excuse was, "

the citizens.

It is

my

policy to

have some one more hated than myself."

Plutarch,

ibid. Diojiys.

Sen.

157.
Philip,

King of Macedon, thanked the Athenian

demagogues

for their

morals were

endeavour was both by

prove them

abuse,

much improved by
his

and said that

it,

his

for his constant

words and

his deeds to

Ibid. Phil. 7.

liars.

158.

Philip cancelled the appointment of judge in the

who used to dye

who cannot be trusted in

case of a friend of Antipater's

"A man

beard.

hair," he said,

"cannot be trusted

his
his

in business,"
Ibid. 23.

159.

Alexander the Great sent a large sum of money

as a present to Xenocrates the philosopher.

returned for answer,

"What," asked
friend

that

Alexander,

He

he did not want

it.

"has he not even a

All the wealth I got from Darius has not

sufficed for

my

friends."

Ibid. Alex. 30.

160.

Pyrrhus,

King

of Epirus, ordered

some young

"

GREEK
men who had been

WIT.

43

abusing him over their wine to

'^

be brought into his presence.

that?" he asked the

Did you

say

"Yes,

sir,"

of them.

first

reply, "and we should have said still more,

we had had more wine."
Plutarch, Pyrrh. 6.

was the
if

i6i.

Alcibiades, going to a school, asked for

"We

Iliad.

don't keep

schoolmaster.

Homer

Homer's

here," said the

Alcibiades knocked him down, and

went on.

Ibid, Ale. 3.

162.

When

the Athenians were

scription for a certain

making a public sub-

sacrifice,

Phocion, being

repeatedly called upon, presented a creditor, and

said,

"

should be ashamed at paying you, and

not repaying this gentleman."

Ibid. Phoc. 5.

163.
Peisistratus,

again,

was

who was

was dissuaded by

dissatisfied

with them.

dear fellows, " he replied;

like you.

thinking

his sons,

of

marrying

who asked

if

" Certainly not,"

"I wish

to

he

my

have more

Ibid. Peis. 5.

"

GREEK

44

WIT.

164.

We often

hear a father

claiming in great
art gone,

me

thou

my

in

grief,

who has

"My

lost a

snatched away in youth, leaving

art

no more

old age desolate,

enjoy the blessings of

life,"

wilt thou

and so on.

But

departed could speak, he would rather say,

not for

me

is it

son ex-

dearest son! thou

if

the

"Weep

so hard a fate not to have lived,

like you, to a feeble, helpless, doting old age ? Is

not the never being thirsty better than drinking,

and the never

so

many

dearest son

again

feeling cold better than having ever

Why

clothes?"
!

thou

snatched away from diseases,

art gone,

wars, oppression

no more, alack

tortured by love, nor

in old age ?"

than yours.

"My

don't you say,

thou wilt never be hungry nor thirsty

That

wilt thou be

become a nuisance

is

to others

a more genuine lamentation

LuciAN, De Ltidu,

iii.

p. 928.

165.

Lycurgus encouraged the Spartans

hair long.

"

some," he

said,

ful if

It

improves people

"and

it

if

to

wear

their

they are hand-

makes them more

fright-

they are ugly.

Plutarch,

Reg.

et

Imp. Ap., Lye.

i.

GREEK

legislator

45

66.

The same

WIT.

was recommending democracy^ "Try

own

who

once said to a person

it

in

your

households."

Plutarch,

Reg.

el

Imp. Ap., Lye.

2.

167.

King Agesilaus, having received a favourable

response from the oracle of Jupiter at Olympia,

was advised
Delphi.

further to consult that of Apollo at

Whereupon he went

quired whether the son

his father

is

Delphi and

to

of the

in-

same opinion as
Ibid. Ages. 7.

168.

Cato the elder

in

denouncing the unreasonable

extravagance of the age, said that

it

was hard

to

speak to Belly which had not Ears to hear.

Ibid. Cat. Sen.

I.

169.

The same philosopher

blush on a young

man

said he

had rather

than a pale face. Ibid.

see a
6.

170.

The same, on observing

that statues

were being

GREEK

46
set

up

in

WIT.

honour of many, remarked,

rather people

would

why

ask,

why there is. "

Plutarch, Reg. et Imp.

''I

would

there not a statue

is

to Cato, than

Ap., Cat. Sen. lo.

171.

The same observed

of a spendthrift

"He

an estate on the coast,

sea, for

is

he has eaten up what

who had

sold

stronger than the

it

can only nibble

at."

Ibid. 21.

172.

The younger

Scipio, being sent

a tour of inspection of the

cities,

dria attended by Panaetius.

by the senate on

came

When

that city could hardly keep pace with

laziness
friend,

and

affectation,

"Our

presence

service to the citizens

t\i&\x'kmg walking.

to

Alexan-

the king of

them through

Scipio observed

to

his

here has done one good

it

has enabled them to see

^^

Ibid. Scip.

Min.

13.

173.

A soldier,

carrying a stake for fencing the camp,

complained of

"

for

its

you put more

a sword."

weight.

"Yes,"

trust in a

wooden beam than

said Scipio,

Ibid. 19.

in

"

GREEK

WIT.

47

174.

Augustus Ca;sar, being unable to check the

dis-

turbance and clamour of a party of young aristoYoung men, hear an

crats, addressed them thus
'

'

old

by

man, who, when he was young, was listened

to

his seniors."

Plutarch,

Reg.

d Imp.

Ap., August. 12.

175-

Agasicles,

King

was asked why,

of Sparta,

as

he was so fond of hearing discourses, he did not

receive Philophanes the philosopher at his court ?

"

I prefer,"

of

whom

he replied, " to be the pupil of those

am

also the son."

Plut. Ap. Lac, Agas.

i.

176.

Agesilaus was sharply bitten by an insect in the

very midst of a solemn

sacrifice.

He

sight of all.

"You

deserve

it,"

he

took no
it

in the

said,

"for

notice at the time, but afterwards killed

having malicious designs even against an

altar.

Ibid. Ages. 8.

177.

The same, on

seeing in Asia a house roofed

with square beams, asked

if

they grew in that

GREEK

48

On

shape in that country.

"No," he
square

inquired:

WIT.
the

owner replying

"Suppose they had been

would you have made them round

Plutarch, Ap. Lac,

"

Ages. 27.

178.

The same, when some one was

extolling the

happiness of the Persian king, then quite a youth,

observed,

" Not even Priam had experienced mis-

fortune at his age."

Ibid. 37.

179.

The same, on some one showing him

the

strength and security of the rampart round his

town, asked

" Very," he

if

he did not think

said,

it

" for women to

a fine place.
live in."

Ibid. 55.

180.

The same, being

invited

to

hear some one

exactly imitate the voice of a nightingale, replied,

"

have heard the bird

itself

many

times."

Ibid 58.
181.

Diogenes, being present at a splendid entertain-

ment given by an uneducated man, made s}Tnptoms

as though he wished to spit.

After looking round

the room, he suddenly spat on his host

"I

see

GREEK

WIT.

nothing in the house," said

yourself,

and men always

they find the least care

is

49

he, " so neglected

spit in

as

some place where

bestowed."

Galen,

TTporp. \o^.

p.

i.

i8.

182.

Stratonicus, a harper, seeing the people of

One
Caunus

pared

Rhodes looking very

in

that this

bilious,

remarked

was what Homer meant, when he com-

man

to the leaves in

On

autumn.

their re-

monstrating against his calling their city unhealthy,

he

said that could not be an unhealthy place

where even dead men can walk about,

Strabo,

xiv. 2.

183.

The inhabitants of Cyme, in yEolis, had raised a

sum of money by mortgaging one of their public
piazzas.

But,

as the loan

was not repaid, the

mortgagees took possession of the property, goodnaturedly allowing people to shelter there

when

it

As this was announced by a crier calling

out " Come under shelter " a story arose that the
people were so stupid that they did not know

rained.

when

to seek shelter unless they

were

told.

Ibid.

xiii.

3.

GREEK

50

WIT.

184.
It is said of the inhabitants of lasus off Caria, that

when

a certain harper was performing, the people

who were

listening heard the bell for the

of the fish-market, and rushed

off,

man who was a little

tion of one

am much

when

"My

by your staying

good

sir,

to hear

me

the rest ran off at the sound of the bell."

all

" What
I'm

flattered

The harper

deaf.

coming up addressed him thus

opening

with the excep-

" said he,

"has

Good-bye

off too.

the fish-bell rung

"

Strabo,

Then

xiv. 2.

185.

Alexander, having inspected a portrait of himself

it

painted by Apelles, at Ephesus, did not praise

according to

been brought
picture

as

its real

in,

if to

merit.

But his horse having

and neighing
a real one,

at the horse in the

Apelles exclaimed,

"Sir, your horse appears to be a

much

better

judge of painting than you."

Aelian, Var.

Hist.

ii.

3.

1S6.

Hippomachus, a noted gymnast, when an

who was

athlete

being trained by him had performed

GREEK
some

feat

struck

he

51

with the applause of the whole assembly,

him with

said,

WIT.

' *

" You did

his staff.

and not

as

you ought,

would never have praised you

for

clumsily,"

people

anything really

Aelian, Var.

artistic."

it

for these

Hist.

ii.

6.

187.

from

persons

Certain

Clazomenre

came

to

Sparta, and smeared with soot the seats on which

the magistrates

On

duties.

discharging their public

in

sat

discovering what had been done, and

by whom, they expressed

no indignation, but

merely ordered a public proclamation to be made,

" Let
to

it

be lawful

for the

make blackguards

people of Clazomence

of themselves. "

Ibid. 15.

188.
Philip,

being invited to dine with a friend,

whom

he met on

Seeing his host disturbed

lest there

brought with him several others

the road.

should be not enough for

them "

to leave

expecting

all,

he sent a message to

room for a nice mince-pie." They,

its arrival,

ate moderately,

viands provided proved enough for

Plutarch,

Reg.

et

and so the

all.

Imp. Ap., Phil. 20.

GREEK

52

WIT.

189.

Demetrius the cynic, seeing an

illiterate

no other than the Bacchae of Euripides,

man

book,

at Corinth reading in public a very beautiful

where a

messenger describes the death of Pentheus and the

deed of his mother Agave,

and
to

tore

it

up, saying,

snatched

" It

be pulled to pieces by

many

times

it

from him

is

better for Pentheus

me

once, than by you

"
!

LuciAN, Adv. Indod,

ii.

p.

114.

190.

On some
Philip

one

telling Agis,

would make

it

to set foot in Greece,

to

King of

Sparta, that

impossible for the Spartans

he replied, "

We

are content

walk on our own land."

Plutarch, Ap.

Lac., Agid. 14.

191.

An

ambassador having come

to

Sparta from

Perinthus, spoke at great length.

"What

shall

return

to the

"Say," rephed the

Perinthians
king,

"

answer

he asked.

"that you talked a

great deal, and that I did not utter a word."

Ibid. 15.

GREEK

WIT.

53

192.

Some one asked Alexandridas why the Spartans

give

up

their lands to

be cuhivated by

serfs,

and

Because,"
them with their own hands.
"
and
themselves,
minding
by
was
it
replied,
he
'

do not

till

'

fields, that

not their

they acquired them."

Plutarch, Ap. Lac,

Alex. 3.

193.

When Demades

the orator

had remarked

that

the swords of the Spartans were so short that they

could be swallowed by conjurors, Agis, the younger

king of that name, replied,

"We

find

them quite

long enough to reach the enemy."

Ibid. Agid. jfun.

I.

194.

Cleomenes, when asked what was the duty of a

good king,

replied,

" To do good

to

your friends,

On which the philo"Would it not be still

but harm to your enemies."

sopher Aristo observed,

make your enemies

better to

good

to

them

also

"

friends,

and so

Jbid. Arist.

to

do

I.

195.

Some one was

praising Charilas for being lenient

GREEK

54

to all alike.
it

WIT.

Archidamidas thereupon asked, "Is

any particular merit to be lenient

to scoundrels?"

Plutarch, Ap. Lac, Arch.

i.

196.

Some one was complaining

of Hecatoeus the

sophist for having nothing to say at meal-times.

Archidamidas observed, "

to speak, also

knows when

man who knows how

to speak."

Ibid. 2.

197.

Euboidas, hearing some persons loud in the

praise of the wife of another, said to them,

**

No

one should presume to speak about that which he

can have no right to know."

Ibid.

Eub.

i.

Thearidas, while whetting a sword, was asked

if

it

was sharp.

**As sharp as

slander," he

Ibid. Thear.

replied.

199.

Cleomenes, having sworn to give the Argives

seven days' truce, attacked them in their sleep on
the third night, and killed many.

On

being up-

"

GREEK

55

"It was a truce

braided for his perfidy,

days" he

WIT.

for seven

replied.

Plutarch,

Jbid. Cleomcn.

Anaxandj: fil.

2.

200.

Cleomenes, when some envoys from Samos were

urging him at great length to
the tyrant Polycrates, rejoined:

your address
I

cannot,

whole

make war
" The first

against
part of

cannot remember, the middle of

for that

reason, understand,

cannot approve.

it

and the
Ibid. 7.

201.

Some one was praising the most valiant fighters,

when a Laconian interrupted with, " Say, at

A p.

Troy.^''

Lac. Divers.

4.

202.

Another Laconian, seeing some one

selling nuts

that no one could crack, at twice their real value,

asked,

" Are

pebbles then so scarce? "

Ibid. 12.

203.

Laconian was finding

Metapontum

for

fault

with the people of

being cowards.

annexed a good deal of

" Yet we have

territory," said

one of them.

GREEK

56

"Then you

are not

"but rogues

too."

WIT.
he replied,

only cowards,"

Ap. Lac. Divers.

i$.

204.

made

Laconian, having been

war, was being sold as a slave.

a prisoner of

"Who'll buy a

"Hush!"
Laconian?" asked the auctioneer.
" Say, a captive.''
exclaimed the prisoner.
Ibid. 19.

205.

When

was pouring a

gi-eat

quantity of water for Alcibiades, a Laconian

who

a certain bath-keeper

stood by observed, "

He

seems

to think

him a very

Ibid. 49.

dirty fellow."

206.

A family

at

Catana derived

from a signal act of

eruption of

filial

Mount Etna had

nothing for their gold and

up and
mother.

carried,

their

affection

name

of Fio7is

for

when an

occurred, they cared

silver,

one his aged

but

at

father,

once took

another his

Being unable to advance with

sufficient

speed, they were overtaken by the hot lava, but

refusing even then to resign their burden,

they

were saved by the stream suddenly dividing and

leaving them in the middle unhurt.

Pausanias,

X. 28, p. 2)6^.

"

GREEK

WIT.

57

207.

Laconian observing some one making a

lection " for the gods," said that

for

gods

who were

col-

he had no respect

beggars more than himself.

Plut. Ap. Lac.

54.

208.

Hipponicus, wishing to dedicate a statue to the

honour of his country, was advised

sculptor

"No,"

Polyclitus.

people see

it,

to apply to the

said

he;

"when

they will admire only the work of

the artist, not the liberality of the giver.

Aelian, Var.

Hist. xiv. 16.

209.
Philip,

the son of Amyntas,

younger Dionysius
retained the great

"Because," he

how

it

once asked the

was that he had not

power inherited from

replied,

"he

left

but his luck."

me

his father ?

everything

Ibid, xii, 60.

210.

Demonax was
ficing to the

been

accused of impiety for never sacri-

goddess Athena, and for not having

initiated in the Eleusinian mysteries.

defence was as follows

" For the

first

His

charge^ I

GREEK

58

WIT.

never conceived that the goddess could possibly

want any

sacrifices of

mine

and

the mysteries are either good,

Now,

if

they are bad,

warn others not

I

to join

should

for the second,

or they are bad.

feel

them and
;

my

it

if

duty to

they are good,

should never be able to keep the secret, but

should

them

tell

my fellow-

to all as a benefactor to

LuciAN, Detnon.

creatures."

Vit.

ii.

p. 380.

211.

Epaminondas, finding that one of his subalterns

had received a large bribe from a prisoner of war,

" Give me back that shield ; go and

said to him,

buy a shop and

Now

live there!

that

you have

turned gentleman, you won't care to share our

danger."

Plutarch,

Reg.

et

Imp. Ap., Ep. 21.

212.

One
ing

all

were

Thrasyllus had a strange mania for imaginthe ships that returned to or

his ;

and he used

to

keep

lists

left

the Pirseus

of them, and

express the greatest delight at their safe return

On

being cured

at last of his

that his greatest pleasure in

malady, he declared,

life

had been the

safety

of ships with which he had nothing whatever to

do.

Aelian, Var.

Hist.

iv.

25.

GREEK

WIT.

59

213.

Hippocleides, the son of Tisandrus, was a suitor

for the

hand of Agariste, the daughter of

thenes,

tyrant of Sicyon,

Cleis-

and had found especial

favour with her father for his good birth and manly

On

accomplishments.

day when the favoured

the

a grand public banquet

lover was to be chosen,

was given

to the suitors

from various countries,

and

the citizens.

In the contests of

to all

which followed, Hippocleides seemed

the day,

when

at

to

skill

be gaining

an unlucky moment he called on

the flute-player to strike up a tune, ordered a table

to be brought,

*'

on

and

after

dancing upon

ended by

it,

fling" with his legs in the air while he stood

his

head

This undignified attitude so

pleased Cleisthenes, that he exclaimed

" You have danced

To which he

to

dis-

him,

yourself out of your marriage."

immediately rejoined, "Hippocleides

does not care for that"

And

the saying passed

Herod,

into a proverb.

vi.

129.

214.

One Boethus had found great favour with Antony for a poem he had written on the victory at
Philippi,

and had been appointed by him general

GREEK

6b

manager and

He

sus.

treasurer of the public

was

and other

oil

accused of

WIT.

articles

at

Tar-

under his control, and being

before Antony, he

it

games

detected, however, in pilfering the

As Homer sung

made

this defence

Agamemnon, and Ulysses, so I have sung of yours." To

which the prosecutor retorted, "But Homer never
stole oil either from Agamemnon or from Achilles."
**

the deeds of Achilles,

Strabo,

XV. p. 674.

215.

A Spartan

went

"I

fish dressed.

oil," said the

other,

"

wanted

if I

fish

to a cook's

shall w^ant

man.

*'

Do

shop to have a

of

you suppose," asked the

had had any cheese,

also?"

bit

some cheese and some

have

I should

Plut. Ap. Lac. Divers.

44.

216.

Hiero, tyrant of Sicily, said that people

a secret do a wrong even to those who

for

we

naturally feel as

much

who

tell
it

who
know

dislike for those

have been told what we did not wish them

as for those

who

listen to

to

tell it.

Plut. Reg.

et

Imp. Ap., Hieron.

2.

GREEK

WIT.

6i

217.

Dionysius the elder, though he punished malefactors severely,

"They

was rather

lenient to "garotters."

stop people," he said,

" from going about

the town of Syracuse drunk after dinner."

Plutarch, Dion.

Sen.

7.

218.

The same, having heard

that

two young men

had been abusing both himselfand his government,

invited

them both

One

to dinner.

of them drank

a quantity of wine, and talked a good deal of

The

nonsense.
cautiously.

other drank very sparingly and

Dionysius forgave the

first

as a fool

the latter he put to death as a dangerous malignant.

Ibid. 10.

219.
Socrates' idea of God's providence

was very

different

think His knowledge

God knew

all things,

is

only partial

everywhere, and

human

affairs.

that

He

men
They

he believed

what was being

done, and planned in secret

all

over

from that of most men.

said,

and

was present

made known His will

Xenophon, Mem.

to
i.

men
2, 19.

in

"

GREEK

62

JVIT.

220.
Socrates, hearing
tite,

said

remedy.

*'

some one say he had no appe-

Take my

StoJ> eating,

doctor's advice as the best

and you

will find living

more

much healthier and cheaper.

Xenophon, Mem, iii. 13, 2.

pleasant, as well as

221.

When some

one was punishing his attendant

with severity, Socrates asked him

**he

is

why he was

the greediest, laziest, idlest, most

"Have

loving of rascals!"

considered," asked Socrates,

servant deserve

more blows

so

"Because," said he,

enraged with the fellow.

money-

you ever seriously

"whetheryou
"

or the

Ibid. 4.

222.

Another person once

told Socrates he

exhausted with his long walk.

anything?" asked Socrates.

was quite

"Did you

carry

" Only my cloak,"

said he. " Were you alone, or with a servant?" "I

had a servant with me." "Did he carry anything ? "
*'

To be

sure, a large

"And how
"Better than

did he
I did, I

bundle with sundry traps."

come off?" asked

Socrates.

think," was the reply.

"And

GREEK

WIT.

63

suppose you had had to carry his load

"

then

does

it

bear so

"I

really couldn't

seem

to

much

have done

you creditable

it."

to a trained

what
" And
man to

than his own servant?"

Xenophon, Mem. iii. 13, 6.

less toil

223.

observing a glutton at table eating

Socrates,

several kinds of delicacies at once with a single

piece of bread, told

him

that

his

mouth

he was doing a great

by mixing together in

injustice to the cook's art,

various ingredients which that artist

would never have put

into the

same pot
Ibid.

iii.

14, 5.

224.

Dionysius the elder, on certain

had presented

to the envoys

which he

gifts

from Corinth being

declined by them because the law did not permit

ambassadors to receive presents from a potentate,

remarked

to

them:

"You

are

wrong

in annulling

the only good act ^^hich an absolute ruler can do,

and

in

showing by your conduct that

treated by such an one

is

to

be kindly

a thing to be feared."

Plutarch, Reg.

et

Dion, Sen.

Imp. Ap.,
12.

"

GREEK

64

WIT,

225.

Agathocles,

was the son of

who had become King of Sicily,

a potter.
One day, when he was

besieging a town, a soldier from the rampart called

out to

him

in

mockery,

men, Mr. Potter?"

*
'

How

"I'll

will

you pay your

do that," said

"if

he,

Having taken

I get possession of this town. "

it

by

storm, he sold the inhabitants as slaves, adding,

'
'

If

you abuse

me

again, I shall speak to your

masters about you.

Plutarch,

Ibid.

Agath.

2.

226.

The same

potentate,

when

the people of Ithaca

brought a charge against some of his

sailors for

touching at the island and carrying

off certain

sheep,
Sicily,

replied:

"Your king

and not only

Ulysses

came

to

stole the sheep, but put out

the eyes of the shepherd."

Ibid. 3.

227.

Philip of

Macedon being advised by

to banish one of his slanderers, replied:

he will go about and abuse

more

to listen to

him."

me where

his friends

"If

I do,

there are

Ibid. Phil. 5.

GREEK

WIT.

65

228.

lady of rank,

good-looking,

and of a bad

as a poplar-tree."

figure,

She, pleased at the compliment,

kept time with her hand to the strain

went on repeatedly,

and

this

some one stooped and

till

whispered in the poet's ear:

make

but

was praised by
being " comely and tall," and " straight

short in stature,

a poet for

who was

"Do

stop, or you'll

the lady sfaftd up.'"

LuciAN,

J'ro. Iniag.

ii.

p. 486.

229.

Eudamidas of Corinth had two devoted

When

Aretaeus and Charixenus.

the following will:

"

friends,

he died, he

left

bequeath to Aretaeus

my

dear old mother, to keep and maintain, and to

Charixenus

my

dear daughter, to get her married

with as large a dower as he can possibly give her.

And

if either

of these should die, then the survivor

shall take the charge of both."

was

read, people thought

hoped the two

happened
afterwards.

gations

it

Wljen the

fiiends liked their legacy

that Charixenus

will

a joke, and said they

died

only

five

It so

days

Aretaeus nobly discharged both obli-

the mother

is still

living at his expense,

GREEK

66

WIT.

and the daughter was married on the same day as

own

child, half his small fortune

to each.

Lucian, Toxaris^

his

being given
ii.

p. 531.

230.

wealthy and very handsome

riding in a chariot,

man was

seen

with a wife sitting by him,

When

hideously ugly, and with only one eye.

the

reason of such a union was asked, " Disinterested

was the

friendship,"

ing lost

The

reply.

all his fortune,

lady's father, hav-

was bewailing

to his friend

the impossibility of getting a daughter married

who was

so plain that hardly any poor

"My

take her even with a fortune.

let

that disturb you!

girl myself, off

hand " And they

replied the other,

/'//

marry the

ivere married,

man would

dear friend,"

"don't

and very fond of her he

is

to this

Ibid. p. 534.

day.
231.

Chabrias used to say,

by a

lion

is

more

by a deer."

to

"A camp of deer when led

be feared than one of lions led

Plut. Reg.

et

Imp. Ap., Chab.

3.

232.

Agis,

the

Spartan king,

said his

countrymen

never asked the number of the enemy, but only

where they were.

Ibid.

Ap. Lac, Agis.

3.

GREEK

WIT.

67

233of employing craft in a

Ly Sander, being accused

manner unworthy of his ancestor Hercules, replied

" If the lion's skin is not long enough, we must

stitch

on to

a fox's skin."

it

Plut., Reg.

Imp. Ap., Lys.

et

2.

234.

Agesilaus, being asked whether he thought jusor

tice
'

greater

bravery the

virtue,

There would be no need of bravery

us were

answered
if

we

all

of

Ibid. Ages. 3.

just."

235.

The same, begging

the

acquit

me

him

but

if

acqicit

he

is

of a friend from a

life

king of Caria, wrote thus:

guilty,

"

If

he

acquit

is

innocent,

him

to please

him, anyhow."

Ibid. 8.

236.

Leuctra,

After the defeat of the Spartans at

there

was a general panic

in the city, since the

shown cowardice.

law

who had

held every citizen to be disfranchised

Agesilaus being appointed by

the State Legislator with full powers to annul the

penalty,

made the following proclamation

to-morrow the laws are

to be

hi force.''''

'^

F^'oiti

Ibid. 10.

GREEK

68

WIT.

237.

Eudsemonides, hearing a philosopher argu^ that

your
'
'

man

zuise

Very

is

fine talk

the only good general, observed

but the speaker has never had

trumpets ringing in his ears."

Plut. Ap. Lac, Eudam.

2.

238.

Antiochus,
the

who led the second

Parthians,

friends

expedition against

having been separated from his

and attendants

in hunting,

arrived at a

small homestead, and was invited by the rustics to

share their evening meal incognito.

"A

the subject of the king.

they said,

'
'

good

but he gives up too

He introduced
sort of fellow,"

many

of his im-

portant duties to good-for-nothing friends, while

he indulges his fondness

for the chase. "

said nothing at the time, but

when

his

The king

body-guards

arrived in the morning, bringing the royal insignia,

he made

this

remark

terday for the

my

friends, I

first

in the presence of all

time since

'*
:

Yes-

have had you

for

was told the truth about myself."

Ibid, Reg, et

Imp. Ap,, Antioch,

i.

239-

When

Alcibiades was about to be tried by his

GREEK

WIT.

69

not full
countrymen, some one asked him if he had
"
trust my own
not
would
I
them.
in
confidence

mother," he replied;

"She

might,

by mistake,

one."
throw in a black ballot instead of a white
Ibid. Alcib. 6.

240.

Harmodius was taunting Iphiwith his low birth. " The difference between
with
this," he replied, " my family begins

A descendant
crates

us

is

of

me, and yours ends with you."

Ibid. Iphic. 5.

241.

"That the best generals

about the enemy."
most
knew
who

Chabrias used to say,

were those

Ibid. Chabr. i.

242.

When

number of

sold as slaves
sitting

them
friend

prisoners of

by Philip,

who

war were being

moment was

at the

with his dress somewhat in disorder, one ot

cried out, "Spare me, sir, as a family
!

"

When

Philip asked the grounds of his

his
claim, he obtained permission to whisper in
ear,

" Your

attitude,

sir,

is

not quite becoming a

"

GREEK

70

" Let him go

king."
*
'

WIT.

at once,"

had no idea the man was so

Plut. Reg.

et

exclaimed Philip
truly

my

friend.

Imp. Ap., Phil.

19.

243-

On

one occasion, when Philip was asleep

daytime, and the Greeks

who wanted

Parmenio

expressed their disappointment,

them not

to

be surprised,

wide awake while they were

for

in the

him

to see

told

Philip had been

all asleep.

Ibid. 28.

244-

Word was

brought to Alexander on the eve of

the decisive battle

Arbela, that his

at

were talking about a secret design

to

soldiers

keep

all

the spoils to themselves, and reserve none for the

king.

they

"I am
mean

to

glad of

it,"

said

he; "it shows

conquer and not to run away."

Ibid. Alex. 12.

245.

When

an Indian chief had surrendered himself

and a strong fortress to Alexander, the king remarked " He is wise in trusting to a brave man
:

rather than to a secure post."

Ibid. 26.

GREEK

WIT.

TL

246.

Pyrrhus,

King of Epirus,

after defeating the

many of his friends

and generals, exclaimed, *' If we gain one more
such victory over the Romans, we are lost."
Plutarch, ibid. Pyrrh. Ep. 3.
Romans

twice with the loss of

247.

When

Eurybiades

raised

Themistocles, he replied

his

strike

staff to

" Strike me, but hear

me."

Them.

Ibid.

5.

248.

Epaminondas was reckoning with the cook the

cost of

some

and objected

When
is

days' entertainment of his colleagues,

to

no other expense but that of

not the cost, but the regret that so

been taken by you

inside,

better rubbed on in the

much

oil.

"It

oil

has

they expressed their surprise, he said

which would have been

gymnasium."
Ibid.

Epatn.

5.

249.

The same
the

general

when

an engagement with

Lacedemonians was imminent, and various

oracles were brought up,

others defeat to the

some predicting

Thebans

victory,

ordered them to

be

"

GREEK

72

two

laid in

on

parcels,

Then

his left.

men,

if

face the

but

to

he

the other

right,

said,

"Now

to shirk the danger,

better take the others. "

gentle-

obey orders and boldly to

enemy, here are your oracles on

you intend

if

one on his

rising,

you intend

WIT.

Plutarch,

ibid.

this side

you had

Epam.

8.

250.

On

the day after the victory at Leuctra, Epa-

minondas was seen

unkempt

"Anything

custom.

"No,"

friends.

penance

and

in public shabbily dressed

in his person,

said

which was by no means

matter?" asked

the

he;

"I am

his

his

only doing

for the excess of joy I felt yesterday."

Ibid. II.

251.

Paullus ^milius, during the war against Perseus,

once found his

little

daughter Tertia in

" What's the matter now?" he inquired.

is

"

tears.

"Perseus

dead," she said, meaning a lapdog so named.

I

take

it

as

you have said," he replied;

words bring us luck

Ibid. Paul.

"may the
yEm.

2.

252.

The people

of Antioch were in the habit of

criti-

GREEK

WIT.

73

cising the personal appearance and demeanour of

When a short man came

the actors in the theatre.

on

to act the part of Hector, the audience called

out,

^''

Whereas

Astyanaxl

"

Hector 1

When

Yoii

are

a very tall one

only

was

the

boy

to play the

part of Capaneus in scaling the wall of Thebes,

"
they exclaimed, " Step in ! never jumdthe ladder !

LuciAN, De Saltat.

ii.

p. 309.

253-

Another actor was playing the

Mad

Ajax, and

got so excited with his part that he tore the clothes

of one, hit Ulysses over the head with a

flute,

and then jumped from the stage and

sat do\\Ti in

men

of consular

the senators' seats between two

rank,

who

barely escaped being beaten with his

whip, like the rams in that play.

he was so ashamed of
the

members of

his

company wanted him

Ajax again, he replied

mad

But afterwards

this extravagance, that

"

It is

enough

once."

to

when

to play

have been

Ibid. p. 314.

254-

Demonax, hearing

a scientific lecture "

On

the

Antipodes, " asked the lecturer to follow him to the

water-side,

and pointing

to their

shadows

as they

GREEK

74

WIT.

stood on the brink, " Are these, " he asked, " your

Antipodes?"

LuciAN, Demon.

Vit.

ii.

p. 384.

255-

The same, when

a certain sorcerer boasted of

potent channs by wliich he could

him

just

what he

liked, said

one simple charm that

will

make people

" Follow me.

do

as

much

as

give

have

any of

Going into a baker's shop he produced a

penny: " CzV^ w^ a /^^y^ " he said.
Ibid.

yours."

256.

Herod

was

the Great

in great grief for the un-

timely death of Pollux, and was proposing

funeral honours,
ing,

when Demonax came

"I have a message

to give

to

"

asked him,

to

him at

genei-al

what those commands were.

He is complaining

not going

say-

from Pollux."

Herod, believing that he too shared in the

grief,

many

him

of you," said

Demonax, "for
Ibid. p. 385.

once.''''

257.

The same

told a parent

at the loss of his son,

who was much distressed

and had shut himself

in a

dark room, that he was a spirit-rapper, and would

"

'

GREEK
make

WIT.

his son appear, if only

75

he could give him the

names of three persons who had never yet had

mourn.

On his

tion, to

do

you

being unable, after

Demonax

this,

think, foolish

tolerable woe,

sternly said

"And

see yourself that

Lucian, Demon.

Vit.

to

considera-

man, that you alone have

when you

exempt?"

much

ii.

do
in-

none are

p. 385.

258.

The same used to ridicule the pedantry of those

who affected archaic words. To one of these he once
said

'*

asked you,

my

friend, a question in the

language of the day, and you answer

memnon would

it

have done.

as

Aga-

Ibid.

259-

A friend having said

to

Demonax,

to the shrine of yEsculapius

and

offer

**

Let us go

a prayer for

my son's recovery," he replied, " You must think the

god

is

very deaf,

we now

if

he can't hear us praying where

Ibid. p. 386.

stand.'

260.

The same

noticing two illiterate men,

who

called

themselves "philosophers, " disputing on some question,

and one of them putting absurd questions and

GREEK

76

WIT.

the other giving equally absurd answers, observed

to his friends

" One of these

and the other

goat,

is

fellows

is

milking a

holding a sieve under

Luc IAN, Demon.

Vit.

ii.

it."

p. 386.

261.

Agathocles was boasting that he was the

and, in fact, the only logician.

monax,

*'

and

one,

if

if

you are the

Jirst,

you are the only

you are not the

one,

first,

"But," said De07ily

you cannot be the

Ibid.

first.'''

262.

When

Cethegus, a Consular, was about to go

on an embassy

into Asia
said

many

this, called

gnat

to his father,

very absurd things.

him "a

ape, " said

he did and

Some one who saw

great ape." "

He

is

Demonax,

not even a
Ibid.

263.

When

the philosopher Apollonius, with a troop

of pupils, was leaving town for the purpose of giving

to the king, Demonax exclaimed,
"Here come Apollonius and his Argonauts "

instruction

Ibid

p. 387.

"

GREEK

WIT.

77

264.

The same, when he was about

in the

to

make

stormy season, and a friend had

a voyage

said,

"Are

of your bark being upset,

and

yourself becoming food for fishes?" repHed,

"It

you not

afraid

would be ungracious
I

in

me

when

to object to that,

many fishes.
LuciAN, Demon. Vit.

myself have eaten so

ii.

p. 387.

265.

A bad
audience.

speaker was advised to practise before an

"I always spout by

"Then no wonder,"

myself, " he replied.

Demonax, " you speak

says

so badly, with such a fool to hear you."

Ibid. p. 388.

266.

The

sam.e, seeing a

person undertake the

office

Seer to the State at a fixed salary, said to him

don't quite see on
For,

if

you can

ask too

what

alter

of

" I

principle you are paid.

anything that

whatever

little,

is

the

is

fated,

amount

you

but

if

everything must happen as Providence has deter-

mined

it,

what

is

the use of your art

"

Ibid.

267.

The same, on

seeing a sleek and well-preserved

GREEK

78

WIT.

Roman fencing against a dummy, said to him

You fight well with a wooden antagonist."

old
'*

LuciAN, Demon.

Vit.

p. 388.

ii.

268.

Some

one, thinking to puzzle

him, " If

how many pounds

of

it

the ashes," he replied,

go into smoke?"

"and

all

"

be smoke

Demonax, asked

burn a thousand pounds' weight of

fuel,

"Weigh

the residue must

Ibid. 389.

269.

One Polybius, a stupid sort of man, saying to

Demonax in rather bad Greek, " The King has
done me the honour to make me a Roman," he
"
replied,
I wish he had made you a Greek.
'

'

Ibid.

270.

The same,

seeing a rich

man

very proud of his

broad woollen mantle dyed with purple, stooped

and whispered in
this

his ear

was worn by a sheep

"Before you wore

"

it,

Ibid.

271.

The same, when some one asked him what he

thought about the state of the dead, said
little,

and III send you a

report.

"

" Wait a
Ibid,

GREEK

WIT.

79

272.

a bad poet, having told

One Admetus,
that he

had written an epitaph

own tomb,

be inscribed on his

"It

is

already

so
"

pretty,

wish

it

the latter replied

were written there

LuciAN, Demon.

Demonax

in a single verse to

Vit.

ii.

p. 389.

273-

The same,

seeing a Lacedemonian flogging his

own slave, exclaimed

^^
:

Do

leave off showing that

you deserve the very same yourself."

Ibid. p. 390.

274.

The same, observing

to the rules,

that

some athletes, contrary

were fighting unfairly

in a scuffling-

match, and even using their teeth, said

why your modern

" That

is

athletes are so often called lions."

Ibid, p, 391.

275-

Demonax having
received with

all

paid a

visit to

Olympia, was

honour by the people of Elis, and

a bronze statue to him was voted at the public

expense.

" Don't, gentlemen," said he.

will

seem

not

having

Diogenes."

to

"You

be reproaching your forefathers

set

up a statue

to

for

Socrates or to
Ibid. p. 393.

"

GREEK

8o

WIT.

276.

The same was once heard

*'

Probably

men do

all

to say to a lawyer,

laws are really useless, for good

not want laws at

all,

men are made

and bad

no better by them."

LuciAN, Demon.

Vit.

ii.

p. 394.

277.

The same, being asked a little before his death,

if he had any commands about his funeral, replied
"Don't trouble yourselves; the smell will bury
:

When

me."

the objection was raised, "It would

be a shame that the body of so old and so great a

man

should become food for dogs and vultures,"

he rejoined

some

" All

creatures

right, so

when

am

long as I

dead. "

am

of use to

Ibid. p. 396.

278.

Agesilaus the Great, observing that a malefactor

bore the torture with great firmness, exclaimed,

" What a very great rogue must he be, whose

courage and constancy are bestowed on crime
alone

Plutarch, Ap. Lac,

Ages.

2.

279.

The same, having

war

to

ordered certain prisoners of

be sold stripped, and separate from their

GREEK
clothes,

WIT.

8i

many more

found that there were

pur-

chasers of the garments, since the white skins of

the prisoners

made them look

serviceable.

**

you

sions

fight for,

fight xuith.'"

effeminate and un-

These," said he, " are the posses-

and these are the men you

Plutarch, Ap. Lac,

Ages. 13.

280,

The same, being compelled

in a hurry,

many

to

was implored by a

"It

tears not to leave him.

as he returned for him,

said,

wisdom and

make

sick

is

hard," he

"at once

pity."

a retreat

friend with

to

have

Ibid. 17.

281.

The same had

a favourite saying,

"A

general

should show his superiority over the private, not

by having greater comforts

in the field, but

by

displaying greater courage and endurance."

Ibid. 19.

282.

The

same,

when asked by some one what was

the chief benefit which the laws of Lycurgus had

conferred upon Sparta,

pleasure."

replied:

"Contempt of
Ibid. 20.

GREEK

82

WIT.

283.

When some

how

one remarked

simply both

king and citizens were clothed and fed

Agesilaus said,
that

we reap

"Ah! my

friend,

at Sparta,

is

it

from

this

our Freedom."

Plutarch, Ap. Lac,

Ages. 21.

284.

When

Agesilaus was passing through Thasos

with his army, the islanders sent him supplies of

flour,

The

"no

with poultry, cakes, and other delicacies.

flour

he accepted, the

On

use to them."

and pressed
them, then,

rest

he

to accept them,

among

the slaves

plined in courage need

to a slave cannot

be

fit

he declined as of

being blamed for

them
for a

said,

this,

" Divide

men who are disciWhat is a bait

not.

freeman."

Ibid. 25.

2S5.

The

same,

when

a lame

man going on

asked leave to have a horse, said to him,

want men who

will stand, not those

quickly away."

service

"We

who can

get

Ibid. 34.

286.

When

thirty

thousand Persian gold coins bear-

GREEK

WIT.

83

ing the device of an archer had been sent from

Asia by the Great King to Athens and Thebes

to

be distributed

bowmen

on

in bribes, Agesilaus

parture from that country said

are going out

his de-

" Thirty thousand

by the king's order

to

make

war with the Spartans."

Plutarch, Ap, Lac,

Ages. 40.

2S7.

intending to march through Mace-

Agesilaus,

donia, sent to ask the king of that country whether

he intended to receive him as a friend or an

"

enemy.

I will

consider," he replied.

said the Spartan,

we meanwhile

will

"do you

" Then,"

think about

it,

commence our march."

message

king very soon sent a

" Come

friend."

and

The
as

Ibid. 43.

288.

Some one begged

Agesilaus to write to his

friends in Asia, that justice

him.

*'

even

if I

My

might be done

friends," said the king,

do not write

to

"do

them."

to

justice

Ibid. 54.

289.

Agesilaus used to take

little

notice

of things

GREEK

84

WIT.

which others admired, and he hked

One day

indifference.

Callippidas

to

show

his

a celebrated actor called

came forward and addressed

the king,

and then intruded himself somewhat pertly upon

expecting some recognition.

At
Have
you not heard who I am ? " The king gave him
a look, and said
"Are you Callippidas, the man
his attendants,

last

he

"Don't you know me,

said,

sir?

that does the

shams ? "

Plutarch, Ap. Lac,

Ages. 57.

290.

The people
tan

"The

respect
justice

is

of Asia being wont to call the Sul-

Great King," Agesilaus said

he greater than

and more

self-control

" In what

unless he has

I,

?"

more

Ibid, 63.

291.

The same, when some one asked what things

boys ought to learn, replied, " What will be useful to

them when they are men."

Ibid. 67.

292.
Tlie same,

when

sitting as

judge

in a suit,

in

which the prosecutor spoke well but the counsel

"

GREEK

85

with the frequent remark,

for the defence badly,

"//

WIT.

the duty of a king to support the law," ad-

is

dressed the latter thus

make

"If

any one were to

a hole in your house-wall, or try to rob you

of your mantle, would you invoke the aid of the

architect or the

weaver ?

"

Plutarch, Ap. Lac,

Ages. 68.

293-

The same, when a letter had been brought to

him from the Persian king after the peace of
Callias,

receive

proposing terms of friendship, declined to

"Tell him," said

it.

send any

letters to

me

he,

"he need

individually.

friend to Greece, I will be a staunch

him

but

to rely

may

if I find

on

my

If

however many

receive from him.

is

friend

him playing double, he

friendship,

not

he

is

a
to

not

letters I

Ibid. 69.

294.

Caius Fabricius, in a conference with Pyrrhus

about the release of prisoners, refused a large
of

money

ordered

that

the

was

offered.

largest elephant to

be brought up

behind him without his being aware of

trumpeted

in his ear

sum

Next day, Pyrrhus

it

and suddenly showed

till

it

itself.

"

GREEK

86

WIT.

Turning round with a smile, Fabricius said

" Neither your bribe yesterday nor your big beast
:

to-day has any power to

Plutarch,

Reg.

et

move me from my

duty,"

Imp. Ap., C. Fabr.

2.

295-

The same, when Pyrrhus

second

his sovereignty as

"That would be
come

the Epirots
fer

me

against your
to

know

him

invited

himself,

to

own

to share

repHed

interest, for if

us both, they will pre-

for their king.

Ibid. 3.

296.

When

the elder Scipio

he had to

trust to in

was asked

in Sicily

sending a force to

Carthage, he pointed out three hundred

forming
sea.

drill

"Not

under arms, and a

lofty

what

attack

men

per-

tower by the

one of these," said he, "were

I to

order him, would hesitate to ascend that tower

and throw himself headlong from

it."

Ibid. Scip.

Maj.

4.

297.

When King

Antiochus had come into Greece

with a great display of military power variously

armed, Titus Quintus removed the fears of the

GREEK

WIT.

87

Achseans by the following anecdote:

said he,

my

"was

"I

once,"

dining with a friend, and expressed

surprise at such a variety of meat.

But

my

host explained that though the dressing and the

seasoning differed,

way, " he added,

much

their

'
'

it

was

arms may be

that,

different, these

Plutarch,

all Syrians.'"

In the same

all pork.

you may be assured

however

men

are

Ibid. Tit. Quint. 4.

298.
Agesilaus, finding the allies complained of the

frequent expeditions in support of a mere handful

ordered

of Spartans,
in ranks

mixed

Then an

separate place.
ters,

stand up

the allied forces to

sit

but the Spartans in a

order was given,

"Pot-

Brass-workers, carpenters, house-

builders, stand

trades

all

together,

up

had been

in succession

"

When

nearly

so called out,

all

their feet, but not a single

(trade of

any kind being strictly forbidden).

men, how many more

you."

soldiers

Ibid.

the

Lacedemonian

were on

Agesilaus said with a smile

all

the allies

"You

Then

see, gentle-

we send

out than

Apoph. Lac, Ages.

72.

299.

The same,

in

one of his frequent contests with

GREEK

88

wounded by

the Thebans, had been

is

said that Antalcidas

serves you right

WIT.

taunted

you taught

these

a javelin.

him thus:
Thebans

It

"It

to fight

when they had neither the wish nor the knowledge."

Plutarch, Ap. Lac, Ages, 71.
300.

Agis, the son of Archidamus, on surveying the

walls of Corinth, and noticing their height and
strength, asked,
"

"Who

are the

women who

in this place ?

live

Ibid. 6.

301.

The same, when an envoy from Abdera had

made a long address, and asked, "What shall I
report to the citizens?" replied, "That I listened
in silence as

long as ever you chose to talk."

Ibid. 9.

302.

The same, when some one was

fairness

contests, remarked,

derful in

praising

the

of the people of Elis in the Olympian

"They do

nothing very won-

acting justly for one day oyily in Jive

Ibid. lo.

years.''''

303.

The same, when he was

told that

" Some people

GREEK
in the other

89

house envy you,"

own

sides their

WIT.

misfortunes,

good luck of me and

my

"Then

said,

be-

they will have the

friends to

annoy them."

Plutarch, Ap. Lac,

Ages. 11.

304.

Arigeus, on seeing at Selinus in Sicily an inscription to certain persons

who had

died in "ex-

tinguishing a tyranny," exclaimed that

them
to

right, for if the

tyranny M-as on

have been allowed to burn

itself

it

fire it

out

Ibid.

served

ought

"
!

A rig.

2.

305-

When

a patriotic Athenian was reading a eulogy

on some of

his countr}'men

who had been

by the Lacedemonians, Aristo asked him

country did those belong to

who

killed

killed

"What

them ?

"

Ibid. Arist. 3.

306.

Archidamus, the son of Zeuxidamus, was implored by the allies in the Peloponnesian war to

put some limit to the taxation.

"War does

not feed by measure."

But he

replied,

Ibid. A^rch. 7.

307.

Herondas,

being present

when an Athenian

GREEK

go

court

condemned a man

sion, said

had been

"he

IVIT.

for following

no profes-

should like to see the person

who

cast in such a very gentlemanly suit."

Plutarch,

Ibid.

Herond,

308.

Leonidas being told that from the number of

the Persian arrows the sun could not be seen, re-

marked, " Then we shall

fight in the shade."

Ibid. Leon. 6.

309-

The same, when Xerxes had

manding the

"Come

surrender

of

sent a letter, de-

his

arms,

and take them."

replied,

Ibid. ii.

310.

The same

sent an order to

his

soldiers

"to

breakfast with the prospect of dining in the other

world."

Ibid. 13.

311-

Paullus ^milius, finding there was

and bragging among

to

them

" Keep

much talking

his soldiers, issued this order

quiet,

sharpen your swords, and

leave the rest to me."

Ibid. Reg. et

Imp. Apoph., Paul. ^7n.

3.

GREEK

WIT.

91

312.

Cato the elder said he had

which a

in

little

Plutarch,

hope of a

sum than an

sold for a larger

fish

Ibid. Cat.

city

ox.

Maj.

2.

313.

certain piper, seeing fishes darting about in

them a

the sea, played

tune, thinking that perhaps

they would come out and dance on land

disappointed in
large

this,

" Stop dancing to

now, as you would not come out

when

Being

number of them, and while he watched them

leaping about, he exclaimed

me

he took a net and drew out a

Herod,

piped to you."

to
i.

dance
141.

314.
Nitocris,

queen of Babylon, had a tomb erected

gateway

for herself over a

in a

the city, with this inscription

Babylon

after

may open

this

me

Darius, thinking

if
it

of

should be short of money, he

tomb and take

wants, but only

thoroughfare of

"If any king

he

really

was a

is

as

much

in

need of

pity not to

make

as

he
it."

use of

wealth which he was thus invited to take, opened

the

tomb and found no money, but the body with

GREEK

92

these words written

WIT.

"If you had not been greedy

of gold and fond of base gain, you would not have

thought of ransacking the graves of the departed."

Herod,

i.

187.

sis-

Two

Spartan boys were fighting, and one gave

When

the other a mortal blow with a knife.

was dying,

his

"Don't," he

companions engaged

he

avenge him.

"it would not be just; for I

said,

should have done

to

to

it

him,

if

only

had been

quick enough and had had courage enough."

Plut. Ap. Lac. Divers.

31.

316.

When Lampis

of iEgina

was congratulated

for

his wealth as a shipowner, a Spartan observed,

"

I don't

think

much

of a prosperity which hangs

on ropes."

Ibid. 45.

317.

When some

one taunted a Spartan for telling a

falsehood, he replied,

Others g^^ flogged

if

"Well, we are a

free people.

they don't speak the truth."

Ibid. 46.

318.

Amasis, king of Egypt, in his youth was fond

GREEK

WIT.

93

of good cheer, and not very scrupulous

obtained

it.

When

how he

charged with stealing, his

custom was to appeal to the nearest oracle

and

sometimes he was condemned by the god, sometimes acquitted.

took no notice

When he came
of,

the

to,

where he had been acquitted, but showed

shrines

who had

the greatest respect for those

he

to the throne,

and sent no presents

thief,

infallible

gods

Herod,

him

called

only true and

declaring they were the

ii.

174.

319.

Some one was attempting

stand erect, but failing in

to

all

make a

his

corpse

he

attempts,

remarked, " Something seems wanting inside

Plut. Ap. Lac. Div.

it."

47.

320.

An
games

old
at

man

wishing to be a spectator of the

Olympia, was

at

a loss for a seat, and as

he went round looking for one he was jeered by

the populace.

At

last,

Lacedemonians were

when he came where

sitting,

all

the

most of the full-grown men got up

their place.

the

young and

to offer

him

The assembled Greeks applauded

the act, whereupon he exclaimed with a sigh

"

GREEK

94

"Alas

all the

WIT.

Greeks know what

only the Lacedemonians practise

right,

is

but

it.

Plut. Ap. Lac. Div.

52.

321.

A beggar asked

to you," he replied,

" you

of a beggar than you

gave you sixpence

of yours

it

"

alms of a Spartan.

is

will only

The

are.

If I give

become more

first

man who

the author of this bad trade

was he who taught you

to

do nothing."
Ibid. 53.

322.

A person with
His

service.

to

do

sore eyes

was going

friends asked

in that condition?

'*

into military

him what he expected

Not

to see the

sword," he replied.

enemy's

Ibid. 59.

323-

Spartan being asked some question,

said,

" No." "That's a lie," was the blunt rejoinder.

" Then," said he, "why did you ask, if you know
already

"

Ibid. 63.

324.

Certain envoys came on business of importance

to

Lygdamis, tyrant of Lydia.

many

After being put off

times, at last they were told that

he was

ill,

GREEK
we have come,

95

" Assure him,"

and could not see them.

"that

WIT.

said they,

not to wrestle, but to talk

Plut. Ap. Lac. Div.

with him."

64.

325-

Spartan was dining

knowing how

to

and crunched

it

faces over
I

am

now

it,

manage
shell

at

He

sea-urchins were served.

it,

and

he exclaimed

put

all
*'
:

on which

table

took one, and not

it

into his

mouth

After making wry

Not veiy nice eating

not going to turn coward and give you up

but

I shall

not take you any more."

Athen.

iii.

p. 91.

326.

Some Thracian
liar

dinner-parties indulge in a pecu-

They

amusement, playing at hanging.

down a noose
directly

under

when any one

at
it

a certain

height,

let

and place

a stone which easily turns round

steps

and the winner has

on
to

it.

mount

Lots are then drawn,

the stone and put his

in the noose, holding in his

hand a curved

Then some one passes and

and the unhappy adventurer is

jogs the stone,

head
knife.

left

Unless he instantly cuts the noose, he

hanging.
is

a dead

GREEK

96

man.

When

WIT.

such an event happens, the others

laugh, and think

it

great fun.

Athen.

iv. p.

155.

327-

Cambyses, having taken prisoner the Egyptian

king,

Psammenitus,

adopted the following ex-

pedient to try his disposition.

He

dressed the

and made her pass

king's daughter as a slave,

in a

procession with other young ladies of rank in the

same

attire,

before the eyes of their parents.

All

of these, except the king himself, bewailed the

sad fate of their daughters

down

but he merely held

and said nothing.

his head,

was led past him with a rope round

company with many other

Then

his son

his neck, in

youths, to be executed;

but the same silence was observed by him, though

the other Egyptians bewailed the

Shortly after

friend

and companion, reduced

this,

the garb of a beggar,

it

young men's

happened that an old

fate.

came up

to poverty

broke out into tears and lamentations

sight.

"

How

is

you show more

for

this," inquired

and

to the king,

in

who

at the sad

Cambyses, "that

grief for a friend in distress than

a son going to execution

? "

" Son of Cyrus,"

GREEK
replied he,

"my own

WIT.

97

woes were too great

These were more suited

tears.

who

friend

for

to the case of a

has fallen in his old age into poverty

Cambyses was

after great prosperity. "

so pleased

with the unselfish reply, that he gave immediate

orders to spare the
just

of the youth

life

but he had

Herod,

been executed.

14.

iii.

328.

The same Cambyses

sent envoys to the .Ethio-

presents of great value,

pians, bringing

purple

chains and collars, perfumery,

robes, gold

and

The ^Ethiopian king took one of the

"What's this," he
garments and examined it.
asked, " and how was it made ? " " With precious
palm- wine.

dye," they replied.

both

it

chain

tJiat!

" Dye, you

and you are shams

I say that

call it?

What

about

this

neck-

Why, I have much stronger chains than

Then this sweet stuff?" "A precious

''Sham again," he
compound, your majesty."
" But I like your wine. What does
exclaimed.
your king, now,
Persian live

kinds of corn
years."

"
;

"No

eat,

"He

and how many years does a

eats bread,

and the longest

made

life is

wonder," said he,

short-lived, if they feed

on dung I

of different

about eighty

"they are so

They

couldn't

GREEK

98
live

WIT.

as long as that without this

which,

good

liquor, in

"

admit, you Persians beat us hollow

Herod,

22.

iii.

329-

The same Cambyses was

baiting a lion's whelp

with a young dog, his queen being present and

The dog

looking on.

getting the worst of

brother suddenly broke

assistance
lion.

'
'

chain,

its

it,

and rushed

to its

and the two together soon worried the

Cambyses was

tears.

its

WTiat

delighted, but the queen shed

now ? " he

asked.

* *

Ah,

sir !"

she

when my poor brother Smerdis was put

"
to death by you, he had no brother to help him
Cambyses, who was half a madman, put her to
'

replied,

'

death for saying

Ibid. 32.

this.

330-

The same story is differently told by the Eg)'ptians.

They say that, being seated at table with
his wife,

he

M^as

asked whether a

lettuce,

she held in her hand, and had stripped of

its

which
outer

leaves, looked better wuth the leaves pulled off or

left on.

plied.

"I

prefer

it

with the leaves on," he re-

" But you," said

tuce stripped,

when you

she,

left

**

imitated the let-

bare the house of your

GREEK

WIT.

99

In his rage he kicked her, which

father Cyrus. "

caused her death through a miscarriage.

Herod,

iii.

32.

331.

The same once asked

a confidential friend called

Praxaspes what the Persians thought of him and

" Sir," he

him?

said of

"they

replied,

praise

you

highly in everything, except that you are rather

" Oh

too fond of wine."

now, do they

man

a better

Why,

than

my

present, remarked,
think,

sir,

respect

that

" said he,

father

"

by way of soothing him,

you are not

like

was

who was

Croesus,

'
'

your father in one

you have not yet such a son

king turned to Praxaspes, and

to leave be-

Upon

hind you as Cyrus had in you."

shall see

" they say that

they used to say that

said,

this the

"Now

you

whether the Persians are right or wrong

in saying I have lost

my

senses.

If I hit your son,

standing there, in the heart with this arrow, then

the Persians will be proved to be
miss, they

may

call

bow, and the boy

king.

"See!

me

fell.

'*

the arrow

wrong

a fool."

I,

but the Persians

but

drew

if

his

Cut him open," said the

is

in his heart

Praxaspes," he added with a laugh,

not

He

who

"you

Now,
see

it is

are out of their senses.

GREEK

loo

Did you ever

seeing the

see such a

good shot

man was mad, and

ov\Ti Hfe, replied

self could

WIT.

have

"

Sir, I

hit the

"

Praxaspes,

being afraid for his

don't think Apollo him"

as well

mark

Herod,

iii.

34, 35.

332.

once asked some Greeks what

Darius

would take

to eai their

Nothing, they

said,

this

custom,

do so

?
!

who follow
and whose answer was made known

to

burn

interpreter,

their fathers

The)% shocked

at such

" Say

Thus custom

it

to

certain Indians,

same Greeks by an

would take

they

they died

would induce them

Thereupon he asked

to the

own fathers when

not!"

proposal,

Pindar M^as right in calling

it

what they

when they

is

died

exclaimed,

everything, and

the universal ruler.

Ibid, 38.

333-

The Spartans were so fond of short " Laconic "

when certain Samians, wishing to

speeches, that

be very concise, came in a time of need, and holding up an empty sack,

wants

said in assembly,

flour," they replied,

You might have

"Why waste

"Bag

a word?

held up the bag, and said, " Wants

GREEK

WIT.

loi

However, they gave them the aid asked

flour l""

Herod,

for.

46.

iii.

334-

Darius, having put his ankle out of joint, suffered

great

pain from unskilful treatment

then in slavery.

him with two

said he,

"am

he was

till

cured by one Democedes of Crotona,

who was

In gratitude, Darius presented

" What "

pairs of gold chains.

I to

have double bondage

you well?"

for

making

Ibid.

1 2,0.

335.

Maeandrius, governor of Samos, having escaped

with his treasure to Sparta, adopted the following

device to win the confidence of Cleomenes the king.

He

had gold and

silver goblets set in array,

and

told the servants to let themselves be seen polish-

ing them.

Then, engaging in conversation with

Cleomenes, he would beg him to walk

When

in.

the king expressed his admiration of the goblets,

Mceandrius
of

them

himself,

as

said,

" Pray take

and fearing he might get

he made a present of them

Cleomenes went

"I

to

to the ephors

think this stranger

many

for yourself as

you please." Not liking

to accept

any of the

and

them

into trouble if
citizens,

said to

them

from Samos had better

"

GREEK

I02

leave the city, lest he

WIT.

make

some

either myself or

other of the burghers dishonest.

Herod,

148.

iii.

336.

Etearchus was king of the city Axus in Crete.

Having married a second

by the step-mother

time, he

to persecute

was persuaded

and wrongly ac-

name

cuse his daughter by a former wife, by

Accordingly, he binds by a solemn oath

Prudence.

one Themiso, a merchant of Thera,

to carry out

any request he might make

his

being obtained, he

said

to

and

him,

*'

promise

Sink Miss

Prudence in the sea " Themiso, resolved

!

to

keep

his oath to the letter, took her out in a boat, tied

a rope round her waist, and ducked her in the sea.

But he pulled her up again, and they went

together to Thera

Herod,

iv.

off

154.

337-

The

Trausi, a people of Thrace, have a peculiar

When

custom in the event of births and deaths.

a child
wail the

is

bom,

the relations

many miseries

it

sit

round

it

and be-

has been born to endure

but when anyone dies, they bury him with mirth

and

delight, because

ills,

and

is

now

he

is

released from so

quite happy.

many

Ibid. V. 4.

GREEK

WIT.

103

Aristagoras, desiring a private conference with

King Cleomenes on a matter of

requested the young princess,
years of age, to withdraw.

great importance,

who was about eight

"Let her stay," said

Cleomenes, " you need not stop on her account."

Then

Aristagoras began to offer the king large

sums of money

to induce

him

to join in invading

the capital of the Persian empire.

rose from ten to

" Father,

fifty talents,

you don't get up and go,

if

As

the offer

the child exclaimed,

this stranger

Pleased at the child's remark,

will bribe you."

the king at once went into another room,

Aristagoras gave up

all

and

hope of winning Sparta

Herod,

to the cause.

v. 51.

338.
It

was a saying of Cato the Elder,

magistrates
effect

who can

encourage

"Those

prevent crime, and do not, in

it."

Plut. Reg.

el Liip.

Apoph., Cat. Maj.

5.

339.

The same used

enough of

shame

its

to say that old age

had

evils

own, without adding that of the

resulting from vice.

Ibid.

1 5.

GREEK

I04

WIT.

340.

The same
from a

declared that a

madman

man

in

a rage differed

only in the duration of the malady.

Plut. Reg.

et

Imp. Apph.,

Maj.

Cat.

16.

341.

The same
influence,

that

told the

young men,

in praising

and to encourage them

"as Reason had more weight than

was put

so an adversary

to flight

moral

to fight bravely,

the Sword,

by the voice more

than by the hand."

Ibid. 23.

342.

The younger

Scipio,

degraded a young

on being appointed Censor,

man from

the equestrian rank,

because at a grand dinner given by him during the

war with Carthage, he had made a representation

of the city in pastry, and put

it

On

the guests to pull to pieces.

on the table

for

asking the reason

of the sentence, the youth received from Scipio

this

reply: "It

is

because you looted Carthage

before I have done so."

Ibid. Scip.

Min.

11.

343-

The same, when

shield that

a young

man showed him

was veiy handsomely decorated,

said to

GREEK
him

" Yes,

'tis

WIT.

I05

a very pretty shield

but a

Roman

should carry his hopes in his right hand rather

than in his

Plut.

left."

Ibid. Scip.

Min.

i8.

344.

When

the rioters in the party of Caius Gracchus

called out

wonder

" Kill the tyrant !" Scipio

said

fain kill

me

first,

for as

Rome

cannot

Scipio stands, so Scipio cannot live

if

"No

that the enemies of their country

would

fall

while

Rome

falls."

Ibid. 23.

345Caecilius Metellus,

being advised

to

attack

strong position, which he was assured could be

taken with the loss of only ten men, replied, "

will, if

you

will be

one of the ten."

Ibid. Ccec.

Met.

I.

346.

The same, when

were

a young officer inquired Avhat

his plans, replied,

coat of mine

and burn

knew my

"

If I thought this waist-

secrets, I

would take

off

it

Ibid. 2.

it."

347-

The

same, though at variance with Scipio in his

lifetime,

was

afflicted at his death,

sons to take part in his funeral.

and desired his

"And thank

the

GREEK

io6

WIT.

gods," he added, "that other nations had not a

Plutarch,

Scipio."

Met.

Ibid. Ccec.

3.

348.

Caius Marius,

when encamped near

a host of

Teutons, in a place without water, pointed out a

stream close to the enemy's rampart, and said

"You

will

purchase

it

have

to get

"Then,"

with blood."

said the

"lead us to the spot while our

liquid,

your drink there, and to

and not yet congealed by

blood

is

men,
still

thirst."

Ibid.

Marius,

4.

349-

The same, having

Camarina with the

presented a thousand
citizenship in

men

of

reward of their

valour in the war against the Cimbri, said to those

who

objected to the act as illegal, that

"he

could

not hear the laws through the din of arms."

Ibid. 5.

350.

In the same war, Lutatius Catulus, finding

impossible to rally his men,

who were

it

flying before

the advance of the barbarians, rushed to the front,

that he might

troops

seem

who were

to the

really in

enemy

headlong

to

be leading

flight.

Ibid.

Lut. Cat.

GREEK

WIT.

I07

351.

When

Lucullus, after his services in the East,

had given himself up to luxury and indulgence,

and was blaming Pompey the Great for being too
aspiring for his age, the latter remarked, "It

is

more unsuited

to

to old age to

be luxurious, than

youth to be a commander."

Plut.

Ibid.

Cn. Pomp.

10.

352.

Pompey, being indisposed, was ordered by

physician to have a fieldfare for his dinner.
these birds were out of season,
*'

Lucullus keeps fieldfares

ask hivi. "

all

the

As
said,

year round

What ? " said the patient, ** shall

Pompey would not have been alive

'

'

be said that

Lucullus had not been a glutton

the doctor

some one

his

I'll

take something that

liad."

it

if

Never mind
is

easily to

be

Ibid. II.

353.

Cleomenes, king of Sparta, went to the island of

i^gina to arrest certain parties who had been
guilty of betraying Greece to the Persians.

attempt he was opposed by a

{Ram\ who

man

In

this

called Crius

declared he should not carry off as

GREEK

loS

WIT.

On

prisoner any /Eginetan.

accordingly, the king asked

learning

it,

'

exclaimed,

on your horns,

'

leaving the island

him

his

name, and on

Then, Mr. Ram, put brass

for there is mischief in

store for

Herod,

you."

vi. 50.

354Croesus, having received important services from

Alcmaeon, the son of Megacles, sent for him to

Sardis,

and by way of reward, gave him leave

much gold

take "as

person in one

as

he could carry

to

on his

Alcmseon

to the treasury."

visit

off

accordingly put on a loose jacket with very wide

pockets,

and a pair of the very

Then he

could find.
dust,

and

crammed

first

set to

he stuffed his boots

his pockets with gold

his hair all over with

mouth

as full as

him coming

it

it,

and

could be.

he

of gold-

and

then

next, he

powdered

he

filled his

lastly,

When

Croesus saw

out of the treasury looking like any-

thing rather than a

made him a

largest boots

work at a heap

human being, he laughed, and

much more.
Herod, vi. 125.

present of as

355-

Cicero used to say that some orators take to

GREEK
bawling

for

the

WIT.

109

same reason that makes lame

people take to horses from infinnity.

Plut. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Cic.

3.

356.

The same, when one Nepos

him he had

told

testimony than

caused the death of more by

replied, " That
he had ever saved by his advocacy,
his

is

because

my

credit exceeds

my

eloquence."
Ibid. 5.

357-

When
at

Pharsalus,

still

after the defeat

one Nonius told Pompey,

to take heart,

seven eagles

for that there

Cicero

with them,

''That would be good advice,

if

were

observed,

we were but
^^i^- ^9-

fighting with jackdaws."

358.

Slander

is

a most serious evil

who do a wrong, and one who

is

it

implies two

doubly wronged.

who
slanderer does a wrong in accusing one
a wrong
not present, and the listener also does

The
is

in believing the charge without

any

full

knowledge.

present
Again, the person slandered, not being
is
when the accusation is brought against him,

GREEK

no
wronged

in

first

WIT.

being maligned by one, and next

in being believed

by the other

to

be bad,

Herod,

lo.

vii.

359.

rich

snob came

to Athens,

and made himself

conspicuous by the number of his attendants, his

fine clothes,

would
to

and

his jewelleiy,

which he imagined

excite the envy of the beholders.

impose any restraint on him in a

resolved to banter him, and so

of his conceit.

So whenever

wrestling-schools he elbowed

of servants,

killed in

bath-room

make him ashamed

in the baths or the

them with

"I am afraid

bathing, though there

;

I don't see

richly-dyed clothes, would say,

crowd

of getting

peace in the

why we want

Another,

of soldiers here."

is

his

not speak-

some one would remark,

ing to him, but at him,

Unwilling

free State, they

a regiment

remarking on his
" Spring flowers are

"Whence came
peacock?"
" Perhaps these are mamma's dresses." The
coming now."

this

his

like jokes

were made

at his gold ring,

and the cut

of his hair, and the extravagance of his daily

so that he

left

lessons read to

Athens a wiser

him

man by having

life

in public.

LuciAN, Nigrin.

i.

such

p. 52.

GREEK

WIT.

Ill

360.

Megabyzus, being

Byzantium, was told that

at

the people of Calchedon on the opposite coast had

"Then,"

settled there seventeen years before.

he,

"they must have been blind

the site of Byzantium being so

said

at the time,"

much more beautiful.

Herod, iv. 144.

361.

upper Greece,

Xei-xes, in his progress through

was so expensively entertained

viduals were ruined

by

it,

that private indi-

and even States could

hardly bear the cost of the daily dinners*

creon, a citizen

people to
temples,

of Abdera,

make a

Mega-

wittily advised the

public supplication in their

that the gods

might avert in future at

least half of the threatened

expense

and

to render

thanks for past mercies, that the king required

only one meal a day,
give

him a

"for," says he, "if we had

breakfast as well,

we must

the city, or stay and be ruined."

to

either leave

Ibid. vii. 120.

362.

Xerxes, on

being

shown

the

narrow rocky

ravine through which the Peneus discharges itself

into the sea

from the plain of Thessaly, remarked

GREEK

112

that " the Thessalians

in submitting to

WIT.

had shown themselves wise

him

in time, since he

now saw

that they occupied a country so easy to capture."

For he had only

to

dam up

whole plain would be under

the river, and the

^^'ater.

Herod,

vii.

130.

363-

When

Darius had sent messengers to Athens

and Sparta, demanding "earth and water"

in

token of submission, the Spartans flung them into

the pit into which malefactors were thrown, and
the Athenians
telling

them

thrust

them

into

a water-tank,

and water from thence

to take earth

to the king.

Ibid, 133.

364-

Xerxes,

when he was

at

Abydos, saw ships

laden with corn sailing from the Pontus

down

advisers, regarding

to capture them,

Xerxes asked,

them

as enemies' ships, wished

for the signal.

But

their destination ? "

"To

and waited

"What

is

carry corn to your enemies," was the reply.

are not

wrong

we,''''

he asked, " sailing there too?

are these

for our use

"
?

the

His

Hellespont to /Egina and the Peloponnese.

men doing

"

And
What

us in taking corn there

Ibid. 147.

GREEK

WIT.

113

365.

Artemisia, queen of Halicamassus,

manded a

fleet

on the

was hotly pursued by an Attic

made

capture, she
galley,

and sank

who com-

Xerxes

at Salamis,

trireme.

To escape

side of

a sudden dash at a friendly

it

and the pursuer, supposing

she must be fighting for the Greeks, allowed her

When

to escape.

Xerxes saw the bold

exploit,

he

"My

men have proved themselves

women, and my women men."
Herod, viii. 88.
exclaimed,

366.
Perdiccas,
serf,

a refugee from Argos,

lived

as a

Upper Macedon.

feeding sheep for a king in

prodigy having occurred, which seemed to the

king to portend his future greatness, Perdiccas was

ordered to leave his service.

This he consented to

" Pay " said the king

do on receipt of his pay.
" Take that gold coin in the sky ; it is about what
!

you deserve."

So

saying, he pointed to the sun

which was shining into the room through a hole

in the roof.

" That

will do," said the youth,

who

immediately drew a circle with his knife on the

floor to represent

the sun's outline, and bathing

himself thrice in the sunlight, he departed.

I

But

"

GREEK

114

the

omen

WIT.

of possession was

fulfilled in his

Herod,

afterwards king of Macedonia.

becoming
137.

viii.

367.

when he

Xerxes,

fled

from Greece,

Mardo-

left

nius all his costly dinner-service of plate.

sanias,

aware of

this,

Pau-

ordered the cooks, after the

death of INIardonius at Plataea, to prepare a dinner

precisely

donius.

they would

as

When

and gold and

this

have

called

generals

and

at

said,

wished to point out to you the

general,

who

with

Mar-

set out,

prepare a Spartan

to

Laughing heartily
his

for

had been duly

silver tables

he told his own servants

dinner.

done

was ready, and the divans

the
'

'

contrast,

he

Gentlemen, I

folly of this Persian

grandeur came to rob

all this

yotioiyoMx miserable meal.

Ibid. ix. 82.

Stratonicus the harp-player was invited to enter

At

a house with open doors.

lighted at the hospitality

first

shown him,

he was deas being a

stranger to the place, and he complimented the

host on his liberality in placing everything in the

house at the disposal of his guests.

But seeing one

GREEK

WIT.

chose to lodge there, he said at

"Let

us go,

I'm afraid

boy

115

and the house open

after another enter,

we have

to all

last to his

who

servant

caught the wrong bird.

this is not a private house,

but an hin.'"

Aelian, Var. Hist.

xiv. 14.

369-

One

Zoilus,

crates,

was an

who took

of Amphipolis,
ill-conditioned

pleasure

in

a pupil of Poly-

and cynical

always abusing

fellow,

people.

Being asked by a well-educated man, why he

spoke

evil

of every one, he replied, "Because I

cannot do them

evil,

much

as I should like it."

Ibid. xi. 10.

370.

Alcibiades took pride in sending

some presents

many hand-

Xanthippe
was delighted with them, and begged him to take
them.

to his friend Socrates.

"No!"

said

he; "let us show

pride in contrast to his,

Mvccvoiir

by not accepting them."

Ibid. 29.

371.

On

one occasion Alcibiades sent Socrates a large

and beautifully made cake.

rather jealous of the

giver,

Xanthippe,
took

it

who was

out of the

GREEK

ii6

basket and stamped upon

and
of

it.

Socrates only smiled,

Now, my dear, yott will not get a slice

anymore than I."
Aelian, Var. Hist. xi. 12.

said,

it

WIT.

*'

372.

Anaxarchus,

on

being

an

with

expedition

Alexander in very cold weather, and foreseeing

that the

there

camp would be pitched

was no

furniture

fire-wood, threw

where

in a spot

away

and loaded the bearers with

camp-

his

faggots.

On

arriving at the end of the march, Alexander, in

order to

warm

himself,

made

a bonfire of his sofas.

Being told that Anaxarchus had a good

going,

fire

he went there, and anointed himself in the

tent.

When

warm

informed of the precaution that had

been taken, he was greatly pleased,

Anaxarchus, in return

and gave

for the use of his fire,

double

the value of the things he had thrown away, besides other

garments and furniture.

Ibid. ix. 30.

373*

observing

Socrates,

that

Antisthenes

always

made

a torn part of his mantle very conspicuous,

said,

"Do

stop displaying those fine clothes of

yours to us."

Ibid. 35.

"-

GREEK

WIT.

IT7

374-

A
fish

gluttonous

man stopped

was being cooked, and

self

with

at a

servant to go in and

the taste will be

all

last,

resist the desire,

buy

him-

feeling

he told his

But the price asked,

it.

"Then," he

he was informed, was high.

"

At

the savoury smell.

hungry, and unable to

shop where some

for a time regaled

said,

the sweeter."

Aelian, Var.

Hist. x. 9.

375-

Eurydamas of Cyrene won

When

match.

his teeth

the prize in a boxing

had been knocked out by

his antagonist, he

swallowed them to conceal from

him

had received.

the injury he

Ibid. x. 19.

376.

A
"

celebrated courtesan once said to Socrates,

have more influence than you

away

your followers

all

win over none of mine."

philosopher

whereas

can draw

please, but

you can

" Perhaps so,"

said the

if I

" you lead

make them climb

them

all

down

hill,

the steep ascent to the

temple of Virtue, a road which

is

familiar to few.
Ibid. xiii. 31.

GREEK

ii8

made two

Polyclitus the sculptor

same subject

one

WIT.

to please the

statues of the

multitude,

other according to the strict rules of

would make any

former, he

suggested

When

by

visitors

the

In the

art.

alteration that

was

"an improvement."

as

both statues were exhibited together, the

one was ridiculed, the other highly praised and

" This, gentlemen," said he,
admired by all.
'
'

which you

The

other

find so

mine'''

is

much

fault with, is

Aelian, Vai\

your work.

Hist. xiv. 8.

378.

Socrates

used to

say,

"Archelaus,

king

of

Macedonia, has spent two thousand pounds in

having his house adorned by the painter Zeuxis,
but nothing whatever on adorning himself. Therefore,

though many come from

no one makes a journey

Archelaus himself.

by

his

men

far to see the house,

Macedonia

to

see

Those who do go are attracted

wealth; but that

sensible

to

is

are caught."

not the bait by which

Ibid. 17*

379.

Timandridas, a Spartan, in scolding his son for

GREEK
having laid by money

WIT.

in his

119

absence from home,

instead of spending his income in the service of

the gods and his friends, observed that "there

is

nothing on earth so discreditable as to seem poor

in one's life,
is

and

to be found very rich

Aelian, Var.

dead."

when one

Hist. xiv. 32.

380.

Diogenes was taking his breakfast

in a small

when he saw Demosthenes pass, and called

him. As the latter took no notice, he said to

shop,
to

him,

"So

are you

you are ashamed

Why, your

to

be seen in a shop,

master, the

comes here every day."

common

people,

Ibid. ix. 19.

381.
Pittacus used to praise working at a mill, be-

cause

it

allowed

many changes

of exercise in a
Ibid. vii. 4.

small space.
382.

certain

man, not fond of

would not send

ment, but

athletics, said

he

his slave to the mill for punish-

make him

sit

out the games at Olympia

in the full heat of the sun.

Ibid.

GREEK

I20

WIT.

383.
Aristotle,

when he

left

prosecuted, said to one

of his departure,

" Because

Athenians to make

phy

"

Athens

ttuo

being

for fear of

who asked him

the cause

do not wish the

mistakes about Philoso-

referring to the death of Socrates.

Aelian, Var.

Hist.

iii.

36.

384.

The Carthaginians put two helmsmen

ship, saying that

it

was absurd

to

into each

have two

steer-

ing-paddles in the stern, while there was only one

to

command

the ship, and that the person

most important

to all

who was

on board should have no one

to share in his duties or to take his place.

Ibid. ix. 40.

385.

Gorgo, when her father. King Cleomenes, told

her to give a certain quantity of bread to a person

because he had taught him

how

to

make

his

wine

good, replied, "Then, father, more wine will be

drunk, and the drinkers will be the more hard to
please,

and therefore morally the worse

for it."

Plut. Lac. Ap., Gorg.

2.

386.

Nicostratus the harper had a dispute with Lao-

GREEK

"You," he

dicus, a vocalist.

a great

art,

and

IVIT.

am

12X

said,

"are small

in

great in a small one."

Aelian, Var.

Hist.

iv. 2.

387.
Socrates, poor as he was,

genes as a luxurious
tage," he said,

when you

"and

man

was taunted by Dio"for you have a cot-

a tinick-bed, and sometimes,

dine out, you put on a pair of shoes."

Ibid. II.

388.

having painted a portrait of Helen,

Zeuxis,

at a certain fixed charge,

without the

payment of which none were allowed

to visit her.

exhibited

To

tease

it

him

for his

"The

his picture

meanness, the Greeks called

Courtesan."

Ibid. 12.

389.

Epicurus used to say,

tent with a

little, is

"A man

who

is

not con-

content with nothing."

Ibid. 13.

390.
Aristotle, wishing to cure

Alexander of his hasty

temper, which he was apt to display to many,

wrote thus

" An^er

is

an emotion that

is

not

felt

"

GREEK

122

towards

inferiors,

As you have no

but

WIT.

rather against

equal, there can be no

Aelian, Var.

your wrath."

superiors.

fit

Hist.

object of
yX\. ^^.

391.

observing that Alcibiades was veiy

Socrates,

proud of his

estate,

world, and bade

had found

own

it,

showed him a map of the

him point out

When

Attica.

he told him further "to look

he

for his

" They are not marked here," said

said the philosopher, " you

fields."

"Then,"

Alcibiades.

need not be so conceited about lands which form

no part of the

Ibid.

earth.

iii.

28.

392.

Archytas used to say, "It

man without

guile, as a fish

is

as hard to find a

without a backbone."
Ibid. X. 12.

393-

man

of Sybaris,

accompanying

his

pupil,

him for picking up a fig he had

" You are a naughty, greedy
road.

severely reproved

found on the
boy," he

and

ate

said, as
it

he snatched

himself.

it

out of his hand,

Ibid. xiv. 20.

GREEK

WIT.

123

394.
Parrhasius, the painter,

was defeated

test at

Samos by a

rival artist

skill.

The

was

subject

but

in a con-

little inferior in

Ajax contending

inscribed,

When

with Ulysses for the arms of Achilles.

of his friends condoled with him, he replied,

care

little for

being beaten myself, but

Telamon

pathize with the son of

in the

one
*
'

do sym-

for failing twice

same cause." Aelian, Var. Hist.

ix.

11.

395-

Some one was blaming a Laconian for giving

way to excessive grief "It is not my fault," says
he

"my nature

has a leak in

Ibid. 27.

it."

396.

When Alexander

was at Ilium, some one showed

him, as a curiosity, Paris' s

lute.

'
'

see the lute of Achilles," said he.

had been used

for

would rather
For the one

for effeminate love-songs, the other

manly and chivalrous

Ibid. 38.

lays.

397-

Plato
strangers,

was

lodging

at

Olympia

and delighted them with

and conversation.

He

said not a

with

some

his affability

word about the

GREEK

124

WIT.
them

Acadeni)^, nor about Socrates, but only told

When

that his

name was

visit at

Athens, he received them in so friendly a

way
let

that they

were encouraged

they paid

to say,

"

him a

Now

do

us see your namesake, the great associate of

Socrates

have

take us to the

the honour

With

lecture."

am

Plato.

he."

and

Academy

wonted

his

They were

quite

he

smile,

amazed

we may

that

hearing him

of

benefit

"

replied,

him

to find

so

simple and good-natured, and able to win friends

and admirers without the

arguing with them.

customary course of

Aelian, Var.

Hist.

iv. 9.

398.

An

architect called Stasicrates, a

conceptions, and with a

mind

or sculptured portraits, once

came

the Great, and proposed to cut

of grand

to

Alexander

Mount Athos

a giant likeness of the king, holding

city of ten

man

superior to painted

in

into

one hand a

thousand inhabitants, in the other a

bowl from which a

river should cascade, as if

were pouring a libation into the sea

idea," said Alexander,
alone.

It is quite

follies

of one king.

"but pray

enough that

The

it

let

" It

is

he

a bold

Mount Athos

should record the

Caucasus, the mountains

GREEK

WIT.

T25

of India, the river Tanais, and the Caspian sea,

be so

shall

many

me, but of

portraits, not of

Plutarch, De

deeds."

Alex. Virttii. Or.

ii.

my
2.

399.

Epicmnis used to say, " Give

me a

little flour

and

water, and I will compete with Jupiter himself for

Aelian,

happiness."

V^ar. Hist. iv. 13.

400,

Archilochus said that

hog

(or sea-urchin),

money was

not

hedge-

like a

veiy hard to catch, but

very difficult to keep in one's grasp.

Ibid, 14.

401.

Themistocles,

when walking, happened

some Persian.

a golden collar belonging to

a godsend !"

boy

he said to his

slave.

yo7i are not Themistocles."

to find

'

Here's

'

" Pick
Ibid.

it

xiii.

up,

39.

402.

When

the Argives had

made

alliance with the

Thebans, certain envoys from Athens came

to

com-

plain of both, and taunted the Argives with having

had a matricide, and the Thebans a

among

their citizens.

rose and said

"

It is

parricide,

Upon which Epaminondas

very true

but there

is

this

GREEK

126

difference

we Thebans

WIT.

turned out CEdipus, while

you Athenians gave a refuge

Plutarch,

Reg.

et

to Orestes."

Imp. Ap., Epam.

15.

403-

when about

by

his

countrymen on a capital charge, absconded,

re-

Alcibiades,

marking that

it

was absurd, when a

a man, to seek to get

get

away

be tried

to

off,

suit lay against

when he might

as easily

Ibid. Alcib. 5.

404.

Homer had been warned by an

would die

young men."

riddle of

was

in the island los,

sitting

It

oracle that he

and "to beware of a

so

happened

that

he

one day on the shore of that island,

whom he addressed
"Have we got anything?"

watching some fishermen, to

the question in verse,

One

of them replied, in a similar verse,

catch,

we

away."

leave

what we don't

Homer, not perceiving

" What we

catch,

that the

we cany
man re-

and killing of fleas

upon them, and thinking this must be the " riddle"

ferred in joke to the catching

meant, went moodily away, tumbled over a stone,

and died on the

third

day

Proclus, Chresiom. A.

2.

"

GREEK

WIT.

127

405.

An

payment

old teacher of philosophy claimed

from one of his pupils

of the youth,

The uncle

for instruction.

who had no great

love for philosophy,

argued that he had no cause for complaint, since

the wares he had sold

in

few words only

were

and his property had been

no way diminished. " Besides," said he, "you

still

in his possession,

have

7iot

scamp

said the other,

nephew is the greatest

" Perhaps so,

neighbourhood "
!

"but

would have been

is for

My

taught him.

in the

still

if

he had not come

worse.

My charge,

to

me he

therefore,

the evil he has not done through the respect

he has imbibed
practise it."

for philosophy,

though he may not

LuciAN, Herniotim.

i.

p. 825.

406.

One Thesmopolis,

a Stoic, was on a journey in

company with a rich and affected lady of rank, who

made a special and urgent request to him ^' Do, as
:

you are so kind and

dog Myrtle

careful, take

into the carriage,

and see that she wants nothing

my

and look
!

dear

little

after her,

The poor

thing

is

with pup, and these good-for-nothing servants of

mine won't attend

to her, nor indeed even to their

GREEK

128

own
to

mistress,

my

on journeys.

WIT.
So pray be very kind

sweetest and most precious

little

pet !"

The

philosopher, anxious to oblige, complied with so

earnest an entreaty.

'
'

Myrtle " was snugly ensconced

under his mantle, put her head out from under his

huge beard, and licked

and whined

his face

finally

it

gave birth to puppies

under shelter of the cloak!

So the joke was

(after certain little mishaps),

bandied about against Thesmopolis that he had

turned Cynic instead of Stoic.

LuciAN, De Merced. Conduct,

i.

p. 692.

THE END.

CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND

TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.

CHISWICK press:

CO.

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