ImprovingRelationshipsInMarriageandFamily

Introduction
Ihavefoundthatthereisalwaysroomforimprovementinmymarriage,thatitwill
alwaysinvolvelearningnewthingsorwaystoimplementwhatIhavelearnedthusfar.What
makesthisespeciallywonderfulisthatIamnotgoingthisjourneyalone,buthaveawifewhereI
cansharetheseconceptsandinturngleanideasthatImightnothaverealized.

Husbandandwivesneedeachotherforsupport,help,andstrength
Thesupportandstrengththatcomesfromaspouse,helpsusweatherthroughthestress
andcrisesthatareapartoflife.Itisthroughourcombinedstrengthandexperiencesthatasa
coupleweareabletofigureoutwhattheLordwantsfromustomaketheappropriatechanges.I
havefoundthatIdoneedthesupportandstrengththecomesfrommywifebecauseotherwiseI
havetostrugglealone,andwouldotherwisemissquiteabitofwhatwearesupposedto
experiencehereonearth,butitdoesnttakemuchtomakelifeeasierwhenyouhavethat
assistance.
Thisideaisonethatrequiresustoletdownourguard,trustourspouse,andputourown
selfishdesiresawaysothatwecanrecognizetheneed.

Rejectingourmaterialwants
Thesenseofentitlementisalmostsubconscious.Withhowmuchcommercialismmakes
upourworld,andthereforeourdailylives,itishardtoshutoutwhattheworldistryingtoshove
inyourface.Inevitably,youfindsomethingthatyoubelieveyouneed.Youfeeltotallyvalidin
howyoufeel,butIrealizethatthisisadistortion,onethatcomesfromtheAdversaryaspartof
thenaturalman,anditisasmallwonderthatwemayfeelremorseshortlyafter.
ThisisimportanttomebecauseIhavetobecarefulthatIdontcreateacausefor
contentionbecauseofthatmoneynotbeingthereforsomethingmuchmorecrucialtoourfamily.
Itisamatterofstickingtoprioritiesandconsultingwithyourspousetoseeifyourmaterial
wantscanbeafforded.

Allowingourselvestochange
Itisprideandahardheartthatcanblindustowhatishappeningaroundus,especiallyif
wearethecause.IknowthatIhavetochangeinordertogrowandimprovetomakeastronger,
happiermarriage.Ihavetobewillingtoacknowledgemyweaknessesandstrivetoliveasthe
LordwouldhavemesothatIcanbeguidedbytheHolySpirit.Foranyone,itisamatterof
activerepentanceandchangeofourheartssothatwedonotdesiretodoevil,oratleastthose
sinsthathadbeenprevalentbefore.

AChristcenteredmarriage
ThistypeofmarriagemeansaligningyourwillwithourSavior,itisusingHimasan
anchorandnotseeingitasbondage,butasthatsupportashehelpscarryourburdens.Torelyon
Himisnottobesceneasasignofweakness,butasstrengthtohelpmeetourchallenges.Thisis
importanttomebecauseIknowthatwithoutHim,mymarriagecantbeeternal.Justasweneed
torepent,wemustbewillingtochangesoastowelcometheHolySpiritandthereforehishelp
inourmarriage.

LovingYourSpouseMoreThanYourself
Ilikethissectioninchapter2,becauseitisareminderthatIenteredintoacovenantlove
mywife,andideallyIshouldbeputtingherfirst,lovinghermoreinthatsheisinmythoughts
beforemyworldlydesiresorplans.IhavestruggledwiththatbecauseIknowthatIamaselfish
man,butIdoloveherandknowthatitisamatterofputtingforththateffort,makingthattime
availabletomakingherlifeabiteasier,ordoing,orevensayingsomethingonaregularbasis
thatshowsmylove.Toputyourspousebeforeyourself,tolovehermorethanyourself,means
makingthatsacrificeoftimeandenergyandnotlookingback.

DefiningtheNeedsEachofUsHave
Eventhoughwemustlooktothewelfareandneedsofourspousefirstandforemost,
eachofushasneedsthatmustbemetorthereisstressthatmayleadtodissatisfaction,anger,
resentment,apathy,misunderstanding,oranumberofnegativebehaviorsandfeelingsthatthen
trickledowntoaffectfamilylife.Thespousewhofeelstheirneedsarenotbeingmetmayseek
tofulfillthemelsewhere,andthismayleadtoadditionalproblems.Theseneedscouldbe
intellectual,physical,spiritual,emotional,orrecreational.Acouplemustsitdownandcouncil
withoneanotherwhenonefeelsthataneedisnotbeingmetandworktowardsasolution,We
mustlearntounderstandeachothersneedsandrespectthem,otherwisethemarriagemaysuffer.

TheDestructionofAnger
MywifeandIhadbothrealizedhowdestructiveangercouldbeonourrelationship,and
thatofourchildren.Webothdontfeelrightaboutitafterwards,andweknowthatitisa
consciouschoicetobeangry.ItdrivesawaytheSpirit,canexasperateproblems,anddestroy
relationships.IknowthatitisamethodoftheAdversarytodamageourmarriage.Itrequires
humilityandefforttolearntorecognizewhenitiscoming,andconfrontitssource.Todo
otherwiseistoallowittofesterwiththerealissueneverbeingresolved.

EnrichingMaritalIntimacy
Intimacyrequiresthinkingoftheotherandservingthemthroughpatience,kindness,and
gentleness.Italsorequiresdiscussionaboutthequalityofthemarriageandyoursexual
relationship,whateachisseekingfromtheintimacysothatitsenjoyable,anditsconnections
withwhentherestofthedaywhensexisnotinvolved.Ifeelitisimportanttoknowwhatmy
wifeisexpectingsothatanysexualintimacyisnotonesided.Again,itrequirestheretonotbe
anyselfishnessandunreasonableexpectations,andthiscanonlybeexploredthroughbeing
loving,open,andhonest.
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DisciplinewithMyMoney
IhavehadtoworkwithreallywatchinghowIspend.Itcanbereallyeasytojustify
somethingthatdoesnotservearealneed,andagainIsupposeitisthatspiritofentitlementasI
trytorationalizethepurchase.IknowthattheLordwillgivewhathedeemsisnecessary,and
thatIamastewardoverthismoneythatshouldbeusedforthefurtheranceofHisKingdom
whenitisnotprovidingfortheneedsofmyfamily.Tohavedisciplineistolivewithinmy
meansandnotincurunnecessarydebt.Wemustrealizethatwecantalwaysfixhowmuch

moneyweareabletoearn,butwecancontrolhowit'sspent.Wealsomustkeepourselvesin
checkofhowmuchwearelustingafterthematerialobjectsitcanpurchaseandbeprepared
whentheunexpectedinevitablyhappens.

GoalSetting
Istrugglewithgoalsetting.Itisimportanttomebecausethereshouldbeasomething
positiveandworthwhilethatIamalwaysworkingtoward.IfIamnotstrivingtobecomebetter,
thenIamgoingbackwards.Agoalcouldbeanythingthatyouwanttoachievethatinvolvesa
planthatisadheredto.Wemayhavegoalsthatinvolveeducation,health,finances,and
emergencypreparation.Thekeyistostartwithsmallgoalsforimprovement,andasweachieve
thosethenwehavetheexperienceandknowledgetoknowhowtoachievethoselargerlifegoals.

ReallyTalkingWithMySpouse
Communicationisthevehiclewhereallotherneeds,concerns,andwhateverelsethat
needstobesharedmustgothrough.Itseems,orshouldseemprettyobvious,butitisoneof
thosesimpletruthsthatoftengoesoverlooked.Therearetoomanyassumptionsmadethatone
shouldbeabletoanticipatetheothersneeds.Muchofitislackofeffort,orthebeliefthatwe
shouldbynowknowwhatourspouseisthinkingandanticipatetheireveryneed.However,Istill
findmyselfhavingtoclarifywhatmywifejustaskedfor,andIamthankfulthatshehasthe
patiencetorepeatherself,otherwiseIwouldbeinaworldoftrouble.

TheImportanceofValidation
Itcanbedifficulttotakethatriskofsharingaboutourselves,butsometimesitisbecause
weareseekingvalidation.Thisneedhasbecomeimportanttousasacouple,especiallywhenwe
arefacingthosestressfultimes,herandherpregnancy,andmewithmystudies,addinginour
rambunctiouskids.Itisimportanttobothofusthatwebereassuredthatwearedoingeverything
thatwecangiventhecircumstances,thatoneisproudoftheother.Anyspousewouldwanttobe
acknowledgedorappreciatedforwhattheyhavecontributedtothemarriage.
Validationoftheothershowsthatwecareaboutwhattheirefforts,otherwisewemay
comeoffasapatheticorcallous.Itisobviouslysowhenaspouseintentionallydemeansthe
other.However,whenwearehurtweshouldnotassumethatitwasintentionalandthereforebe
onthedefensive.Itisalsoimportantthatwenotfocusontheflawsofourpartner,butonthose
positivetraitsthatledustomarrythem.

DealingWithDifferences
Onemustnotfallintotheassumptionthatagoodmarriagedoesnotinvolvedifferences,
disagreements,orcontentionfromtimetotime.Ihavetorememberthatmywifeseesthings
differentlythanmyself,hasdifferentopinions,andwearegoingtodefendthosedifferences,but
theyinthemselvesarenotbad,butnormal.Itisntthatonepersonisrightandtheotheriswrong,
butitisamatterofcomingtoalovingcompromise,ifnotaconsensus,towhatacoupleshould
dowhenitcomestomakingthoseimportantdecisionsandallowingeachothertohavetheirown
separateideasandbeliefs.


EstablishingFamilyRituals
MywifeandIhavenothadalotoftimededicatedtoestablishingfamilytraditionsor
rituals,letaloneonesbetweenherselfandI.Wehavefoundourselvesjustgoingthroughthe
motionsofmaintainingahomeandkeepingthekidsfromdestroyingitoreachother.Itisthese
ritualsthatcankeepamarriagefrombecomingstale,stuckonautopilot.Takingthetimeto
makeitapointtogreetyourspousewithakissandahowwasyourdaywhenyoumeetthem
aftertheirabsencecangoalongwaytomakingthemfeelneeded.Goingoutdancingoncea
week,havingaspecialplacethatyoumayvisitonanniversaries,ordedicatingacertaindayout
oftheweektospendthatnightwithyourspouse,areritualsthatkeepthemarriagealive

SpeakingYourPartnersLanguage
Icanseehowthereisacertainmeasureofcommunicationneededtoknowhowtofulfill
theneedsofyourspousewhenitcomestoknowinghowtheyexpress/perceivelove.Ifeelthat
minemaybemoreofthetouchandverbalvariety,whereasmywifemaybemoretask/time
oriented.Itiseasytooverlookthisandmakeassumptionsorbetotallyoblivious.However,it
takesbeingobservantandbeinghonestwithyourspousetorealizewhattheymaybeexpecting,
andthenafterthatitisamatterofkeepingthatinmind.

Conclusion
Howeveryouperceiveyourmarriageandyourspouse,youmustalwaysbelookingfor
understandingandwaystonotonlypreservethatrelationship,butbeseekingtoimprove.The
LordhasgiventheinstitutionofmarriageasameanstolearnanddevelopChristlike
characteristicsthatmightnototherwisebepossible.Marriageisacovenantthatshouldbelived
uptoinorderforittobeeternal.