Parentally Speaking
A monthly publication for caregivers in Middlesex County
Providing Substance Abuse Prevention, Education, and Support for Personal Recovery
How Should Parents Address Teen Dating
Abuse?
By Christine Hughes, MSW, LCSW
As many parents struggle with the task of
discussing issues such as dating, sexuality,
drugs, and alcohol with teens, it may be
difficult to determine which issues are
most pressing. Torn between the fear of
discussing tough topics and the danger of
ignoring them, parents often find themselves
addressing the issues that they think their
teens are most at risk for. Unfortunately,
many parents are unaware of the prevalence
of dating abuse among teens and may
skip this topic all together. One research
study found that 81% of parents surveyed
either did not think teen dating abuse
was common or reported being unsure
(Family Violence Prevention Fund and
Advocates for Youth, 2004). Additional
research found that approximately 54%
of parents reported that they have never
discussed the issue of dating abuse with
their teens (Empowerment Program, 2000).
While these numbers may sound surprising
to some, the more shocking details regarding
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Volume: III Issue: 2 February 2010
teen dating abuse may include the high
rates in which it is actually taking place.
Approximately 1 out of 5 female high
school students reported being physically or
sexually abused by a dating partner, while
16-24 year old females remain the group
at the greatest risk for dating abuse (U.S
Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice
Statistics 2001). Among high school students
who are currently dating, approximately
59% reported experiencing some type of
physical abuse from a dating partner, while
a startling 96% of those dating reported
experiencing psychological or emotionally
abuse at some point (American Journal of
Public Health 91, 2001). Many parents may
hope that their teen would seek support from
them if they were experiencing dating abuse;
however, this tends to be rare. While dating
abuse is usually an under reported issue,
one survey of tenth graders found that 83%
would confide in a friend about an abusive
relationship rather than a counselor, teacher,
or parent (The Northern Westchester Shelter,
with Pace Women’s Justice Center, 2003).
While many teens may lack self esteem,
knowledge of healthy dating habits, and
experience, they may also have difficulty
managing new emotions that surface as
they begin to date, which makes them more
susceptible to abuse than adults. As teens try
to make sense of their dating experiences,
parents can be their biggest ally. Nervous
Continued on Page 2
How Should Parents Address Teen Dating Abuse?
Continued from Page 1
teens might be embarrassed to confide in
a parent, however, there are some things
that a parent can do to allow teens to feel
safe to share and receive parental support.
1. Know the warning signs. This may
help you to identify potential abusive
behavior. If you notice that your teen’s
relationship has abusive elements, it may
be a good time to start the conversation.
• Avoiding friends or hobbies
previously enjoyed
• Changing behavior so that dating
partner does not get jealous or angry
• Bruises or marks on your teens body
• If teens partner uses guilt, manipulation,
or intimidation to control them
• If teen spends all of their time with
partner and fears negative repercussions
if they spend time with others.
• Teen appears to make less
decisions for themselves.
2. Initiate the conversation but start off
light. When you are alone with your teen
and they seem open to talking, start off
slow by asking them how everything
is going. Once they start talking, ask
how their relationship is going. Ask
open ended questions and be willing
to listen. If you sense defensiveness,
this is okay. It is important however
to ask about your teens feelings to
show that you are sensitive to their
needs and you want to understand.
3. Do not get angry with them if they
deny dating abuse. It may be very
frustrating if your instinct suspects
abuse, but your teen is denying it. Don’t
become angry or judgmental as it is
common for a victim to deny abuse. By
2
remaining calm, non judgmental, and
reminding them that you care, you may
be more approachable for your teen
to ask for help when they are ready.
4. If they mention being abused, tell
them it is not their fault. This may
sound like common sense; however,
victims of abuse commonly blame
themselves and may not tell a parent
out of fear that they will be blamed.
5. Thank them for confiding in you. Tell
them that you love them and you are
always available to talk. By thanking them
for sharing, you are also acknowledging
how difficult it must have been for
them to tell you about the abuse.
6. Do Not forbid them from continuing
to date their partner. You may want
to prohibit them from dating the
abuser; however, this will not increase
your teen’s safety. It is more likely
that they will stay in the relationship
without confiding in you again.
7. Help your teen to problem solve.
Ask your teen “what can I do to help
you?” Together, you can discuss
safety planning, and options. You
may offer to bring them to a counselor
that specializes in teen dating
violence or call the National Domestic
Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE).
By offering love, support, and a non
judgmental attitude, parents can help their
teens to feel empowered to end abusive
relationships, although it may take time
and patience. By adding dating abuse
to discussions with teens, parents may
find themselves more aware and able to
assist them to make important choices.
Addressing difficult topics such as dating
abuse also may build trust and increase the
likelihood that they may turn to you for
guidance on other difficult topics as well.
National Survey Indicates One in Four Girls Aged
12-17 Were Involved in Serious Fights or Attacks in
the Past Year
Prevalence of violent acts
differs by family income,
school attendance, and
levels of substance use
A report by the Substance
Abuse and Mental Health
Services Administration
(SAMHSA) indicates
that, in the past year, one
quarter (26.7 percent) of
adolescent girls participated
in a serious fight at school
or work, group-against-
group fight, or an attack
on others with the intent
to inflict serious harm.
When combined, 2006 to
2008 data from the National
Survey on Drug Use and
Health (NSDUH) shows that
18.6 percent of adolescent
females got into a serious
fight at school or work in
the past year, 14.1 percent
participated in a group-
against-group fight, and (9.2 vs. 3.2 percent).
5.7 percent attacked others
with the intent to seriously • Adolescent females
hurt them; one quarter who were not currently
(26.7 percent) of adolescent enrolled or attending
females engaged in at school were more
least one of these violent likely than those who
behaviors in the past year. were in school to have
Other key findings from the engaged in one of these
NSDUH survey include: violent behaviors in the
past year (34.3 vs. 26.7
• The prevalence of these percent). Among those
violent acts in the past who attended school
year decreased as annual in the past year, rates
family income increased. of violent behaviors
The violent behaviors increased as academic
were reported by 36.5 grades decreased.
percent of adolescent
females who lived in Despite media attention
families with annual on high-profile accounts of
incomes of less than females’ acts of violence,
$20,000, 30.5 percent rates of these violent
of those in families behaviors among adolescent
with annual incomes females remained stable
of $20,000-$49,999, 22.8 according to the NSDUH
percent with annual report when comparing
incomes of $50,000 to combined data from 2002-
$74,999, and 20.7 percent 2004 and 2006-2008.
with annual incomes
of $75,000 or more.
Violent Behaviors among
• In the past year, Adolescent Females is based
adolescent females on the responses of 33,091
who engaged in any of female youths aged 12 to
these violent behaviors 17 participating in the 2006,
were more likely than 2007, and 2008 SAMHSA
those who did not to National Survey on Drug Use
have indicated past and Health (NSDUH). The
month binge alcohol use full report is available online
(15.1 vs. 6.9 percent), at: http://oas.samhsa.gov.
marijuana use (11.4
vs. 4.1 percent), and
use of illicit drugs
other than marijuana
3
 Staff Teen Drinkers Suffer Nerve Damage in
Steven G. Liga, Brain, Study Finds
MSW, LSW, LCADC, CPS, CCS
CEO & Executive Director
Alexandra Lopez,
California researchers who compared the brains
MA, LCADC, SAC, CPS, DRCC of teen drinkers to non-drinkers found that young
Deputy Director
Ezra Helfand, BA
alcohol users suffered damage to nerve tissues
Public Information Specialist that could cause attention deficits among boys and
Jacqueline Jackson, MBA
Financial Manager
faulty visual information processing among girls.

East Brunswick Office Researcher Susan Tapert of the University of

Lissette M. Bacharde
Administrative Assistant
Al-Karim Campbell, BA
Preventionist I
Padma Sonti Desai, MA
Preventionist I
Dara Jarosz, MA, SAC
Clinician I
California at San Diego and colleagues studied the
brains of 12- to 14-year-olds, starting before they
began drinking and following them as some began
using alcohol. They found that those who binged
on alcohol did worse on thinking and memory
tests, but that the impairment differed by gender.

Christina Rak-Samson, BA
Preventionist I
Linda Surks, BS, CPS
Preventionist II
Laura Tittel, BA
Preventionist I
Jason Victor, BA, CPS
Preventionist II
Adolescents, whose brains are still developing, are
at particular risk from brain damage resulting from
alcohol use, the researchers concluded. Taper’s
research showed that teen drinking negatively
affected both the white matter (nerve tissue) and
hippocampus region of the brain.

Heather Ward, MSW, LSW

Preventionist I

The above report was provided by Join Together a program of the Boston
Carteret Office University School of Public Health and is the nation’s leading provider of
information, strategic planning assistance, and leadership development
Lauren Balkan, MSW, LCSW
Supervisor for community-based efforts to advance effective alcohol and drug policy,
Christine Hughes, MSW, LSW
prevention, and treatment. To learn more about this organization and to
Preventionist I subscribe to their newsletters, please go to www.jointogether.org.
Anna Kirzner MSW, LCSW
Clinician II
Lindsay Rich, MSW, LCSW
The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug
Clinician II Dependence (NCADD) of Middlesex County, Inc. is a
Dana Tosk, BA private, non-profit, community-based health organization
Administrative Assistant
providing prevention, education, information and referral
services to county residents, businesses, schools, faith-
based organizations, municipal alliances, and social service
Board of Trustees agencies since 1980.
President Vice President
Katherine Fallon NCADD of Middlesex County, Inc.
Susan Neshin, M.D
Treasurer 152 Tices Lane
Secretary
Bill DeJianne Sandra Martin
East Brunswick, NJ 08816
732-254-3344
Past President www.ncadd-middlesex.org
Brian T. Rose
Members
Sharon Campbell
Rakesh Ganta
Steven Polinsky
George Rusuloj
Marjorie Talbot