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Acknowledgments
This guide simply would not have happened without the tremendous support, guidance,
encouragement, and enthusiasm of many people in my network.
To my husband, Fred, and my daughters, Taylor and Madison, who support and nurture
me to be the connector that I am. I love you so much!
To Kris Kiler for your creativity and constant encouragement and for believing that I had
a significant message and contribution to make and somehow getting me to write it! I
will be forever grateful to you for the impact you have made on my career.
To Linda Berens for your willingness to share your steadfast knowledge of temperament
with me and for being such a great teacher and mentor. My life changed when our
paths crossed.
To all my NSA colleagues for holding me accountable to get this guide written and for
sharing all your wisdom and knowledge about publishing and product development. Im
so proud to be a member of such a professional and caring organization.
To my Temperament Research Institute colleagues and friends who have impacted
my professional life and helped to make me a better trainer, speaker, and facilitator,
especially David Specht, Scott Campbell, Linda Ernst, Melissa Smith, and Marci Segal.
To my mother, Patricia, who modeled for me what a true connector was, and my father,
Charles, who has always made me feel like I have a rare talent and unique gift.

Copyright 2004 Sarah Michel

All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means,
including electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief
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addressed Attention: Permission Coordinator, at the address below.
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Perfecting Connecting is a trademark of Pathways, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Understanding Yourself and Others is a registered trademark of Telos Publications, Fountain Valley,
California. MBTI and Myers-Briggs Type Indicator are trademarks or registered trademarks of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Trust in the United States and other countries.

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Contents
Section 1: Introduction....................................................................................1
Section 2: The Philosophy of Connectional Networking............................2
Section 3: Understanding Your Temperament.............................................4
Section 4: Perfecting Connecting Proven Strategies ................................12
Section 5: Capitalizing on Your Natural Style ............................................20
Section 6: Your Perfecting Connecting Action Plan..................................22
Appendix A: Questions to Ask.................................................................................... 31
Appendix B: References................................................................................................ 32

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Networking Notes

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Introduction

Networking has become the single most important life

skill in determining business and personal success. Your
ability to be connected within your organization and
externally with your network will determine your next
promotion, sale, or job offer.

This guide will become your instruction manual

for how to speak the language of others to accelerate your
ability to make a long-lasting connection with a new or
existing contact.
For centuries, our great Philosophers, educators,
and researches have identified four distinct patterns of
behavior that all humankind falls into. The modern word
for these patterns is temperament. Understanding temperament will help you to increase your self-awareness,
which is the key to better self-management. When you
understand how people are different from you and how
you can modify your behavior and communication style
to improve your connections, then you will be on your
way to Perfecting Connecting.

Sadly, most people practice transactional networking and network only with those they think they have
to in order to complete a transaction. They engage their
network only when they need to make a sale, want to find
a job, or are looking for an opportunity. As soon as they
find what theyre looking for, they drop those who helped
them off their radar screen and dont talk to them again
until they need to make another transaction.
This is why networking is considered by many to be
a dirty word. If you have been a victim of, or guilty of,
network using, or as I like to say, network drive-bys,
this guide is for you.

This guide will help you to become a better connector by helping you understand that each of the four temperaments approaches networking differently and that all
four have the potential for equal success. Finding your
unique voice and learning how to capitalize on it will
bring you new connections and opportunities that you
never thought were possible.

Connectional networking occurs when you take the

time to cultivate a relationshipgive back to itencouraging it to grow and prosper. In other words, connectional networking occurs when you nurture and care for
a relationship, expecting nothing in return. Real connectors embrace the philosophy that all things are possible if
you first help those in your network get what they want
and need.

The belief that only extraverted personality types

can be successful at networking is simply a myth. Connectional networking happens one-on-one, and is not
about working a room to collect the most business
cards and taking no prisoners.

Some of us believe were not good at networking

and give up altogether, failing to see the strengths that
our personality patterns and unique talents bring to the
networking process.

This guide is packed with proven strategies and

tools for improving your connections and cultivating
your network. If you open your mind to these techniques
and practice your newfound awareness of personality differences, youll see dramatic results in your professional
and personal life.

What differentiates this guide from other networking books is a simple but essential realization: people
are different and unique. How you want people to connect with you is not necessarily how another person
prefers his or her interactions. Once you understand what
drives a persons personality, behaviors, and communication agenda, you will be able to fully connect with anyoneeven at your first meeting.

If youre ready to take advantage of the uniqueness

within yourself and others, would like to expand your
network, or are in a career transition, then reach for a
writing implement and jump in for an essential journey
into Perfecting Connecting.

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The Philosophy of Connectional Networking

Connectional Networking

In the spring of 1975 in the suburbs of Detroit, Michigan,

I was in the ninth grade when the results of the schools
mock elections were announced: the students of East
Hills Junior High elected me as their Gossip Queen.

Connectional networking occurs when you cultivate

interpersonal relationships so they will grow and prosper.
When you nurture these relationships while expecting
nothing in return, youre practicing connectional networking. Connectional networkers are always looking for
ways to be a resource to their network. They have a
giving mentality.

What my unsophisticated classmates didnt realize

twenty-five years ago, was that I wasnt gossipingI
was networking. I should have been crowned Networking
Queen, not Gossip Queen! I made it my business to know
the interests, hopes, and desires of the students in my
school. If anyone had a question about what a student was
up to, he or she would come to me to find out, and the
funny part was, I knew!

You can have anything you want in life,

if you help others get what they want first.
Zig Ziglar

My real motivation and desire were always in looking for connections. I was constantly looking for ways to
connect people togetherbridging people to one another.
If Sally told me she was going to try out for cheerleading
and I knew that Suzy was too, I would connect them
together so they could help each other. If Andy wanted
to join the swim team, I would connect him with my
brother, Scott, who was the captain of the team. If John
wanted to connect with my friend Jane, I knew that he
was going to get turned down flat and would suggest
Carol was a better option.

Heres how an international business broker decided

to change the way he approaches his network contacts
after attending my seminar on Perfecting Connecting.
He said:
While I have always included personal
details about my contacts and tried to connect
with them on a personal level, I never fully
thought about how I could be a valuable
resource to them. I failed to link the simple
fact that I am more valuable to my network
contacts when I can help them achieve their
goals. So when I returned to my office Monday,
I approached my stack of callbacks with a new
game plan and renewed vigor. I now hold in
my hands the key to my own successits their
success!

I have always looked for opportunities to connect

people to one another and somehow have always known
that people are different. For example, my way of connecting with others was not necessarily the way they
wanted to connect with me.
I found that the ability to adapt my style of connecting to others, reading their behavior and listening
for language clues, told me how best to proceed. This
has been the number one reason for my professional and
business success.

Connectional networking is like planting a field.

When youre cultivating new contacts, you put seeds in
carefully selected soil, water and fertilize them, pull out
the weeds, and generally nurture the plants over time.
You dont throw seeds in
the ground one morning
and expect to see a plant
blossom that afternoon.
Real connectors know
that good things come
to those who can wait
through several
harvests. When whatever you have chosen
to nurture begins to
bloom, look out!

Its possible for all of us to be successful connectors. However, we must first learn to capitalize on
our natural strengths and talentsour personality patternsand understand how people are different.
When you learn how to speak the language of
others you will begin to see new connections happen in
both your personal and your professional life. In todays
business world, you really dont have a choice. For promotions, sales, and career opportunities, being an effective connector is the most important marketing tool you
need to take you to the next level.

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When I was a career transition consultant, one of

the first areas I would explore with my clients was their
network. They would tell me how they dabbled here and
there, attended that event, went to this meeting, and so
on. They would often tell me that if they didnt get what
they wanted immediately, they would give up and claim,
Im lousy at networking!

She utilized her networking skills and did much

more than simply find each executive a home. She wanted
to assist the entire family with the transition and did
everything from meet them at the airport to help open
a French school for the children. She provided an unexpected (and much appreciated) welcome and introduction
to the United States through hosting dinner parties and
lunches. She connected the families with her network of
painters, decorators, and carpenters, most of whom were
new and struggling small businesses owners.

Most people network to close a deal, make a

sale, or land a new account. Once the transaction is
complete or the goal achieved, most people dont reach
out anymore to those who helped make it happen. The
person (or people) who put in motion the connections that
landed you a new job, put you in front of a new prospect,
or opened a door for you simply drops off your radar
screen and you just move on with your life until you need
help again!

By recognizing individuals wants and desires and

putting their needs first, she not only accomplished her
own goals but created opportunities for her new and
existing contacts by connecting them together. By constantly looking for ways that she could be a successful
resource to her network, she became an award-winning
Realtor in 1979 for her record number of successful closings in only her fifth year in real estate.

That is transactional networking!

How many times have you felt guilty when a year
later, you pick up the phone to ask this person once again
for a favor or a lead and you realize you havent done
anything for this person and, worst of all, you havent
even stayed in touch?

Initially, she anticipated the account would bring

her a dozen closings, and in the end, she helped
tweny-five families transition smoothly and powerfully
impacted over fifteen small businesses.
When you live your life as a connector, you prosper
not only professionally but personally too. When my
mother died in 1994, many of those French families, the
painters, and the carpenters showed up for her funeral,
sixteen to eighteen years after my mother first connected
with them. They talked to me about how she gave them
leads, helped them build their businesses, and delivered
great service, but mostly they said how she gave expecting nothing in return.

Its difficult to connect with people

while pursuing your selfish agenda.
By nature connecting is a giving experience.
John C. Maxwell

I was fortunate to have a master connector as my

role model, my British mother, Patricia; in our house she
reigned, which is why we called her Lady P. She was
indeed a master connector and a very successful real
estate agent. During the late 70s, Renault, the French
car company, opened a U.S. headquarters in Detroit and
transferred many of its top French executives to oversee
the transition. My mothers well-developed and cared-for
network landed her the exclusive account as the Realtor
for all French executives relocating to Detroit.

The less you expect in return for acts of professional generosity, the more you will receive.
Tim Sanders

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Understanding Your Temperament

How does understanding your temperament preference
play into being an effective connector? That understanding will increase your self-awareness, which is the key
to better self-management. Knowing about the other temperaments will help you understand how people are both
different from and similar to each other. It provides clues
for knowing how to adapt your behavior to cultivate good
connections. When you can do that, youre on your way
to Perfecting Connecting.

early age, and as we grow older and wiser, we learn

to adapt our behavior, stretch our values and beliefs,
and develop a variety of preferences. Quite simply, the
older we get, the more perfect we become. Although
we adapt and change over our lifetime, temperament
remains constant.
People often ask if they can change who they are.
The answer to this question is, who you are to the core
your innate temperament preferenceremains constant.
However, you are always adapting your behavior and
stretching your skills and values to fit in and adapt to a
certain environment, such as your work.

History of Temperament
As stated in the introduction, temperament theory has
been around for centuries. Ancient Greek and classical
German writers and psychologists identified these temperament patterns. Hippocrates (450 B.C.), Paracelsus
(Middle Ages), Ernst Kretschmer (1925), and Eduard
Sprnger (1928) each thought of the human species as
a total system, seeking survival in four different and
complementary ways.

Temperament is a pattern
Like a tree trunk, each temperament pattern
has a core. The growing part of a tree is at
the center, and growth emanates outward
from there. If the center is damaged or diseased, the tree dies. Our core needs and
values must be met in order to grow and
develop our natural talents and behaviors
for connecting.

Over the centuries, great philosophers, educators,

and researchers have identified four distinct patterns, or
temperaments, that all humankind falls into. Dr. David
Keirsey, author of Please Understand Me (1979), a book
that has sold nearly two million copies with very little
promotion, helped put this theory into modern terms.
Keirsey developed the Keirseyian Temperament Theory
by redefining the four personality patterns of Artisan,
Guardian, Rational, and Idealist. Dr. Linda V. Berens,
a student of Dr. Keirseys, refined the four temperament
patterns even more. She helped define temperament as
an innate pattern or a system of how a human being
is organized psychologically that is discovered through
characteristic behaviors, talents, values, and psychological core needs.

BEHAVIORS
TALENTS
VALUES
NEEDS

Temperament is innate. Temperament theory is

based on the premise that such patterns are not acquired
from environmental influences. Influences such as culture, family, life experiences, and education help shape
our character, but they do not create our temperament.
We refer to a persons temperament as sort of a psychological DNA.

Adapted with permission, from Understanding Yourself and Others: An Introduction to Temperament
Berens, L.V. 2000 [Telos Publications, Huntington Beach, California]

Our temperament preference shows up at a very

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Snapshots of the Four Temperaments

What You Need to Know

about Temperament Theory*

As you read the four descriptions on the following pages,

think about which one fits you the best. Its best to
think about how you have been throughout your life,
consistently over time. Try not to think about how you
are at work, since work requires behaviors that may not
be our natural preference. We usually are successful at
adapting our behavior at work, and the more open we are
to feedback from others, the more developed we become.

1. Temperament demonstrates a system of human behavior apparent in four specific and unique patterns.
2. Temperament drives behavior. Your activities cluster
into patterns that organize around meeting your temperament needs and core values.
3. Temperament governs how you grow and how you
adapt to meet your needs.

Discovering your innate temperament preference is

a very liberating experience. However, while temperament is a powerful tool for understanding your core
values and needs, it is never an excuse for behavior.
When you are consciously aware of your temperament
preference and are able to work in environments and
experience relationships where your core needs and
values are met, that is when you are truly happy and able
to give freely to your network.

4. Temperament is inborn. It is revealed through themes

that originate from your core values. You, your colleagues, and your children each have one of the four
temperaments as a theme that drives behavior.
5. Your temperament remains constant through your life.
It unfolds over time as does your physical, emotional,
spiritual, and psychological development.

Its also helpful to think about people you know in

your network who seem like the temperament patterns
youre reading. Once you have a certain person in mind,
read on to learn how to best connect with him or her.
Pay close attention to the hints you need to remember
to heighten your awareness so you can appeal to that
persons core needs and values when connecting.

6. Your temperament pattern energy is best expressed

when your core needs are met through acting from
your associated core values.
7. Stress occurs when your core needs are not being met.
Stress also appears when the values associated with
your needs are not being honored or expressed or are
repressed.

Remember, the four temperament case studies youre

about to read represent only one example of each temperament. The difference between someone with an
extraverted personality and someone with an introverted
personality can make two people with the same temperament preference look very different at first.

8. You have a predisposition for one of the four temperament themes. This one theme directs your adaptation to the environment and the people in it. As you
develop, you also learn and use coping strategies and
skills associated with other temperament themes to
meet your need for survival in your contextat work,
at home, and so on.

Perfecting Connecting Tip

Extraversion

Animal Metaphors

People with an extraverted personality get energized by interacting with the outer world of people and things. Their
batteries are recharged when theyre focused outside of
themselves. They will usually initiate conversation in a networking situation and are easier to get to know.

In The Guide for Facilitating the Self-Discovery Process (1997, 2001), Berens expanded on Keirseys
animal metaphors for each of the four temperament
patterns. These well-known animals make it easier to
understand the core needs, values, talents and behaviors
of the humans they represent. Many people say that
the animal metaphors really help them understand temperament better, and often they remember the animals
and their behaviors before they can recall the actual
temperament names.

Introversion

People with an introverted personality get energized by

focusing on the inner world of thoughts and reflections.
Their batteries are recharged when they get to go inside
their head to process internally. Theyre more comfortable responding, not initiating, interaction, making it a little
more difficult to draw them out on a first meeting.
All four temperament patterns have both extraverted and
introverted personality preferences. Their core needs, values,
talents, and skills will be the same; however, because their
direction of focus is different, they can look very different.

*Adapted from Linda V. Berens, Understanding Yourself and Others: An Introduction

to Temperament 2.0 (Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2000) and used,
with permission, from Marci Segal, Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments and
Creativity: A Psychological Understanding of Innovation (Huntington Beach, Calif.:
Telos Publications, 2003).

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The Artisan
Artisans core needs are to have the freedom to act without
hindrance and to see a marked result from their actions.
Artisans value aesthetics highly, whether in nature or art.
Their energies are focused on skillful performance, variety, and stimulation. Artisans tend to be gifted at employing available means to accomplish an end. Their creativity
is revealed by the variety of solutions they come up with.
They are talented at using tools, whether the tool is language, theories, paintbrushes, or computers. Theyre natural negotiators and risk takers and have a talent for being
tactical. Theyre known to be impulsive and often leap
before they look. Because they live in the present, they
dont dwell on mistakes they made yesterday; they simply
move on to the next opportunity and seize it!

Hints for Identfying Artisans

To help you identify Artisan preferences, pay attention
for an emphasis on*
Actions/activities
What can be done
Luck/chances/odds
How to get things done
Courage/excitement/fun
Whats happening now or next
To help identify Artisans style, listen for their language
to be*
Full of stories and anecdotes
Colorful
Trendy/cutting edge
Impactful
Inclusive of the language of others

The animal metaphor for the Artisan temperament is

the fox. Foxes are extremely adaptive creatures; they know
how to deal easily with changes in their environment.
Theyre very opportunistic creatures and acutely aware
of their environment, resulting in foxes being at the right
place at the right time for their next meal. For example,
foxes often appear on the scene where another animal has
just hunted down its dinner. The fox, who is sly and fast,
aided by its heightened senses, manages to steal the food
and get away before the other animal even notices. If you
remove a fox from its environment, it simply adapts its
diet and needs to suit the
present situation.

When connecting with Artisans, remember to

Talk about your actionswhat you have done,
results youve achieved.
Talk about how youve influenced others.
Respond quickly to their nonverbal cuesthe first
seventeen seconds is critical in making a positive
first impression because they get bored easily.
Appeal to their need for freedom/options/variety.
Show them actionwho, when, how to get things
done now!

Artisan Case Study

Heres how an Artisan manager of an outpatient healthcare organization, with an extraverted preference, uses tactical
talents in approaching and meeting new contacts.
When I attend a networking function, I always
expect to meet new people and learn as much as I possibly can from them. Im able to walk away confident that
I can apply whatever I have learned to improve my success in my job. I never used to like attending networking
functions, but I have started to because I enjoy meeting
people and finding out what they do. I like helping them
make connections. If theres an introduction I can make
or a door I can open, Ill jump on that if someone made
a positive first impression. I have developed a powerful
introduction that is catchy and differentiates me from
other people who do what I do.

When I meet new people, three questions immediately go through my head: Can they help me? Can I
help them? Is there a possibility for a mutually beneficial
relationship? If I had to rank whats most important when
meeting people, it would be (1) the contacts they have,
(2) any offers to help me, (3) their positions, (4) their
personalities, and (5) their expertise. Their ability and
willingness to follow through is also key to my deciding
on whether I keep in touch. Actions speak louder than
words or promises.

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The Guardian
Guardians core needs are for group membership and
responsibility. Guardians need to know they are doing
the responsible thing. They value stability, security, and
a sense of community. They trust hierarchy and authority
and may be surprised when others go against these social
structures. Guardians know how things have always been
done so they anticipate where things can go wrong. They
have a knack for attending to rules, procedures, and
protocol. They make decisions based on what worked
in the past. They have a talent for being logistical and
making sure things are done in the right order and at
the right time. Guardians are not hard-wired for change
and consequently resist it, often because theyre thinking
of all the logistical tasks theyre going to have to do to
implement a change.

Hints for Identfying Guardians

To help you identify Guardian preferences, pay attention
for an emphasis on*
Duties/obligations
What they have done
Concern or worry
How something is done
Traditions and customs
The past
To help identify Guardians style, listen for their language to be*
Comparative and linking
Factual
Full of detailed descriptions
Quantitative

The animal chosen to best represent Guardians is

the beaver. Beavers are known as the keepers of the
forest and for being very busy building the dams that
provide homes for hundreds of other animals, birds, and
insects. Beavers know exactly what they need, how much
they need, and when they need it by when planning and
building their dams. They mate for life and are very
loyal and fiercely protective of their (family) pods. They
know how to conserve resources and
they find a use for everything.
For example, the stockpile
of branches you often see
near a dam is where they
hide their food.

When connecting with Guardians, remember to

Acknowledge what theyve done/contributed.
Be factual, use detailed descriptions, and quantify
if you can.
Talk about what youve learned from the past, using
comparisons.
Be dependable and consistent; always follow
through.
Provide the structure to your connection with them
(who introduced you or what connections you have
in common).
Appeal to their need for membership and belonging.

Guardian Case Study

Here is how a Guardian organizational consultant and president of his own consulting firm with an introverted preference
uses logistical talents to maintain his relationships and cultivate new contacts.
Im not a natural networker, and I dont easily
initiate conversations with people I dont know. However,
Im very loyal to my network contacts and extremely
dependable, so often they make the first contact for me.
If the person appears sincere in wanting to develop a
professional relationship, I will follow up immediately,
most likely by e-mail.

engaged in lengthy conversations that led to several

business possibilities. I immediately followed up with
both of them, and were now attempting to do business
together. Im extremely organized and structured in
maintaining my contacts. Even with my busy travel
schedule, I make a point to stay connected to my contacts. I consider these people my best advocates in
helping me build my business.

Recently, I attended a professional association

meeting where I didnt know anyone in the room.
Two members introduced themselves to me, and we

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The Rational
Rationals core needs are for mastery of concepts, knowledge, and competence. Rationals want to understand the
operating principles of the universe. They seek to learn
or develop theories or rationale for explaining everything. They value expertise and trust logic and reason.
Rationals abstractly analyze a situation and consider previously unthought-of possibilities. Theyre skeptical, and
research, analysis, searching for patterns, and developing
hypotheses are their natural modi operandi when connecting with others. They have a talent for being strategic
and visionary, and they use their intuitive strength and
pragmatic approach when solving problems.

Hints for Identfying Rationals

To help you identify Rational preferences, pay attention
for an emphasis on*
Ideas and theories
Strategies
Possibilities and potentials
Technology/how things work
Rationales, laws, and principles
Universals
To help identify Rationals style, listen for their language
to be*

The animal metaphor for Rationals is the Owl.

Owls have incredible focus and vision with twenty different lenses on their eyes. When they see a small rodent
in a field, they instantly adjust their vision to focus in on
their prey and grab it before anyone else has even noticed
it. Owls can be very intimidating to be around, as you
may know if youve ever come across
one as you were walking in the woods.
Scientists also believe that their intuitive strength informs them to skip
reproduction when food will be scarce
due to drought conditions or other
environmental impacts. Cartoon characters of owls are usually portrayed as
knowledgeable and smart, often reading books.

Scholarly and analytical

Hypothetical and conditional
Highly qualified and disqualified
Differential and self-consistent
When connecting with Rationals, remember to
Avoid emotion; stay calm.
Never waste words; avoid irrelevant, trivial, redundant conversation; be concise.
Recognize their achievements and accomplishments and how theyve affected you.
Use words correctly; avoid exaggerations and
mispronunciations.
Present a logical reason if you want something
from them: Why should they meet with you? Why
should they share a lead? What expertise do you
have to share with them?
Give a conceptual view when presenting information (the big picture).

Rational Case Study

Heres how a Rational senior sales executive of an international recruitment advertising firm, with an introverted preference,
strategically develops her network to support her sales success.
Im an effective networker by design. I take a genuine interest in people and then try to connect them
with others. For example, last night my company hosted
a party with clients and prospects, many of whom did
not know each other. By standing at the door, greeting
people, and asking them brief questions, I was able to
connect them with people at the party who possessed
similar interests or expertise. Because of my doing this,
everyone had a nice time and will remember my company
and me favorably. My follow-up calls with prospects will
be easier and better received as a result.

there to establish a presence or meet a specific person

with the goal of a follow-up meeting?
Network functions take the cold out of cold calling
and allow the opportunity to connect with people on a more
personable level. I decide whether or not to maintain a contact on both personal and professional levels. If a person
is likeable or fun, I might continue to build a relationship
just for those reasons. Sometimes my business dictates
that I keep in touch with someone due to current or future
business needs. I certainly evaluate what the contact can
provide: more connections, potential business, credibility,
expertise, information, or knowledge. First is being able to
give any of those things; second is personality.

Prior to attending any function, I develop a plan:

Whom should I look for? What should I achieve? Am I

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The Idealist
Idealists core needs are to enjoy the meaning that comes from
having a sense of purpose and working toward some greater
good. Idealists need to have a sense of unique identity; they
value unity, self-actualization, and authenticity. Idealists prefer
cooperative interactions and are relationship oriented with a
focus on ethics and morality. Theyre gifted at unifying people
and helping them realize their potential. They build bridges
between people through empathy and clarification of deeper
issues, which makes them highly effective connectors.

Hints for Identfying Idealists

To help you identify Idealist preferences, pay attention
for an emphasis on*
Relationships
Developing peoples potential
Making the world a better place
Meaning-of-life issues
Significance of events
The future

Idealists are gifted in the use of metaphors, and I have

never met one yet that didnt identify with the dolphin as
the animal that best represents their values, talents, skills,
and core needs. Dolphins are very intelligent and are able
to communicate and bridge the human world with their own
with their unique ability to connect. They travel in pods
and live to nurture relationships, especially with humans.
Dolphins seem to have a built-in sonar that allows them to
sense the vulnerable and to hear and see things that humans
and computers cant. Currently our armed forces have been
using dolphins to detect bombs in oceans that our highly
sophisticated detection equipment fails to do. Several years
ago a married couple went into the water at Sea World
in Florida to swim with the dolphins. One of the dolphins
began to swim around the wife in a protective circle for
several minutes until the trainer distracted the dolphin with
food. Two days later the woman found out she was pregnant,
and its believed that the dolphin intuitively knew that and
was protecting her.

To help identify Idealists style, listen for their language

to be*
Metaphoric
Global
Dramatic and intense
Flowing
When connecting with Idealists, remember to
Be passionate, sincere, and authentic.
Talk and listen empathically to build rapport.
Use metaphors, symbols, and stories to connect
Focus on the futuredetails about what might be,
not what is.
Talk about your significant relationships and ask
about theirs.
Discuss how your connections contribute to the
development of individuals and/or organizations.

Idealist Case Study

Here is how an Idealist marketing executive from the sports and entertainment industry, with an extraverted preference,
handled her career transition into the technology field. Notice how she diplomatically created relationships and
networks to help her land a position as chief marketing officer (CMO) with an Internet company in New York City.
When I decided I wanted to join the Internet world,
I went to three general Internet conferences that were
featuring three CEOs of the companies I was targeting.
As I listened to each of them speak about their companies, I evaluated not only their content and delivery
but the passion that they had for their employees and
their products. That left me with two companies I wanted
to work for, but I did not introduce myself on the spot
because I had zero leverage. I had no industry experience and I wanted them to want me.

of these CEOs, who was looking for a new CMO, and

he hired me. In my first two months in the job, I called
seven or eight noncompeting Internet company CEOs
and senior executives, then hosted a lunch to get their
perspectives on the industry and begin to build relationships. During these lunches, they felt important that I
was seeking their counsel. On a personal level, I got to
know them betterwhere they lived, married or single,
kids, sports they liked, mutual acquaintancesso we had
multiple levels of connections. I then kept records in my
database of who I thought were all-stars, both professionally and personally.

So I went back to my network and called several

Internet marketing headhunters whom I had long-standing relationships with. I let them introduce me to one

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Most likely you identified with each of the four temperament descriptions, even if just a little. As people grow older
and wiser, they learn to adapt their behavior, stretch their
values and beliefs, and develop a variety of preferences.

tions. Once you speak their language, youre on your way

to Perfecting Connecting.

Perfecting Connecting Tip

When you think about the people within your network, determine which of the four temperament patterns is
their preference and then approach each of them using the
recommendations above. Youll begin to see results, not
only professionally but personally, too. Youre aiming for
long-term connectionsnetworking for life, not networking for the moment.

When you first meet people you want to connect with, ask
questions that start with the words who, what, where, how,
and why. In their responses, listen for clues that tip you off
about their core needs, values, talents, and behaviorsthat
is, their temperament preference. The more you temperament watch, the more quickly identifying these preferences
will become second nature to you.

Understanding temperament will give you the

instruction manual you need to improve your connec-

Idealist

Guardian

The Idealists core needs are for the meaning and significance that come from having a sense of purpose and working toward some greater good. Idealists need to have a
sense of unique identity. They value unity, self-actualization,
and authenticity. Idealists prefer cooperative interactions with
a focus on ethics and morality. They tend to trust their intuitions and impressions first and then seek to find the logic
and the data to support them. Given their need for empathic
relationships, they learn more easily when they can relate to
the instructor and the group.

The Guardians core needs are for group membership and

responsibility. Guardians need to know they are doing the
responsible thing. They value stability, security, and a sense
of community. They trust hierarchy and authority and may
be surprised when others go against these social structures.
Guardians prefer cooperative actions with a focus on standards and norms. Their orientation is to their past experiences, and they like things sequenced and structured.
Guardians tend to look for the practical applications of what
they are learning.

Idealists tend to be gifted at unifying diverse peoples and

helping individuals realize their potential. They build bridges
between people through empathy and clarification of deeper
issues. They use these same skills to help people work
through difficulties. Thus, they can make excellent mediators,
helping people and companies solve conflicts through mutual
cooperation. If working on a global level, Idealists will be
championing a cause. If working on an individual level, they
focus on growth and development of the person.

Guardians are usually talented at logistics and at maintaining useful traditions. They masterfully get the right things, in
the right place, at the right time, in the right quantity, in the
right quality, to the right people, and not to the wrong people.
Guardians know how things have always been done, and
so they anticipate where things can go wrong. They have
a knack for attending to rules, procedures, and protocol.
They make sure the correct information is assembled and
presented to the right people.

Rational

Artisan

The Rationals core needs are for mastery of concepts,

knowledge, and competence. Rationals want to understand
the operating principles of the universe and to learn or even
develop theories for everything. They value expertise, logical
consistency, and concepts and ideas and seek progress.
Rationals tend toward pragmatic, utilitarian actions with a
technology focus. They trust logic above all else. They tend
to be skeptical and highly value precision in language. Their
learning style is conceptual, and Rationals want to know
the underlying principles that generate the details and facts
rather than the details alone.

The Artisans core needs are to have the freedom to act without hindrance and to see a marked result from action. Artisans highly value aesthetics, whether in nature or art. Their
energies are focused on skillful performance, variety, and
stimulation. They tend toward pragmatic, utilitarian actions
with a focus on technique. They trust their impulses and have
a drive to action. Artisans learn best experientially and when
they see the relevance of what they are learning to what they
are doing. They enjoy hands-on, applied learning with a fast
pace and freedom to explore.
Artisans tend to be gifted at employing the available means
to accomplish an end. Their creativity is revealed by the variety of solutions they come up with. They are talented at using
tools, whether the tool be language, theories, a paintbrush,
or a computer. Artisans tune into immediate sensory information and vary their actions according to the needs of the
moment. They are gifted at tactics. They can easily read the
situation at hand, instantly make decisions, and, if needed,
take actions to achieve the desired outcome.

Rationals prefer using their gift of strategic analysis to

approach all situations. They constantly examine the relationship of the means to the overall vision and goal. No strangers
to complexity, theories, and models, they like to think of
all possible contingencies and develop multiple plans for
handling them. They abstractly analyze a situation and consider previously unthought-of possibilities. Research, analysis, searching for patterns, and developing hypotheses are
quite likely to be their natural modi operandi.

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Connect First with Who You Are

This was the moment I had been waiting for: the six
months of lockdown that I had put myself through trying
to become someone I wasnt, mourning for the work I
so desperately loved, and trying to fit in with the other
stay-at-home moms at the playground was finally going
to pay off! I was sure that I would hear my daughter say,
My mommy doesnt work because she loves us so much,
she has sacrificed her career and her talents and her core
needs and values to raise my sister and me so we can
become perfect, confident, contributing adults.

At this point you could be tempted to turn to your loved

one, coworker, or friend and point your finger and say
with great enthusiasm, Now I know whats wrong with
you! or Now that I know all about you, let me tell you
what really bothers me so that you can stop doing that!
The problem with that strategy is that you definitely
wont win friends and influence people; as a matter of
fact, you will alienate them. One purpose of this guide is
to help you increase your self-awareness, which will produce better self-management. You must start with yourself before you can even begin to give another person
feedback about his or her behavior.

But instead, as I clutched my six-month-old in

my arms, still breast-feeding, I heard my five-year-old
say, No, my mommy doesnt work. Katie lifted her
head up from her coloring book and said, Why not?
Taylor, my intuitive, intelligent, and sensitive daughter
said, Because she doesnt have anything else to do!

In order for you to begin your path toward Perfecting Connecting, first have an honest look at who you
are. What are your core needs, values, natural talents,
and skills, and are you honoring those in your career,
relationships, and current job?

No longer able to contain myself, I quickly replied,

Taylor, honey, mommy actually had a job helping people
connect with new jobs and learn how to get along better
with the people they work with. I was very busy helping
people, and I loved what I did, but I decided you and
Madison were more important, so now Im not working,
Im staying home with you.

Six years ago, I had my second child, Madison.

I decided that I should close my business, which I
loved, and pursue being a good mothera stay-athome mom. My husband, friends, and family members,
who knew me the best, begged me not to do it. They
were convinced that I would be climbing the walls by
the second week. They urged me to cut back, work parttime, and not walk away from my career, where my core
needs for freedom and the ability to make an impact were
met daily.

With her beautiful blue eyes she stared into mine

and said very clearly, Why?
Why? I just told you why, I said, starting to
sound very defensive. With a little more assertiveness
and pointing her red crayon up at my face she said, If
you were helping people and you liked doing that, why
did you stop working?

I envied stay-at-home moms whose core needs

were met daily doing the hardest profession in the
worldraising children. Convinced that my two daughters, five years and three months, would grow up to
be perfect and that there would be a gold chariot in
heaven for me for making such an amazing sacrifice, I
laid off my babysitter, joined the kindergarten carpool,
and started Perfecting Connecting with my kids.

Suddenly, as the smell of burnt chocolate chip cookies lingered in the air, I knew what my very bright
five-year-old was trying to say to me. Why would you
ignore your talents, values, and core needs and try to be
somebody that youre not? I realized at that moment that
I would be a better mom, spouse, and partner if I was
honoring my true self. I would be a better role model and
mentor to my daughters if I was happy and fulfilled doing
the work that I know Ive been called to do.

I dont really know how to cook, but one day,

about three months into this self-imposed change in my
life, I decided that the ultimate mothers all know how
to bake homemade chocolate chip cookies. I headed to
the grocery store with my six-month-old and bought a
roll of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough (the real
homemade kind!).

So, I hired a part-time babysitter, figured out how

to make my business work with my familys needs,
moved my office to my home so I could have close contact with my daughters, and got my life back on course.
I was finally Perfecting Connecting with my family, my
clients, and my temperament.

I then drove to the school to pick up my five-yearold, Taylor, and her little friend Katie, who was coming
over for a play date. As I was baking the cookiestoting
my six-month-old strapped to my body in a front carrier,
breast-feeding, acting like a good motherI overheard
Katie, who was sitting at the table coloring, ask Taylor,
Do you have a nanny? Taylor sat up quickly and said,
No, do you? Katie responded very proudly, Yes, I
have a nanny because my mommy works. Does your
mommy work?

Remember, start with yourself. The only person

you can change is you.

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Perfecting Connecting Proven Strategies

Before we can assess someones temperament preference,
we have to get past the first-impression test, the initial
introduction when meeting a new contact. How we present ourselves in the first seventeen seconds of meeting
someone will often determine whether or not the relationship will continue because first impressions are made
in the first seventeen seconds.

Begin with your track record, then address how

you do what you do, and end with what your benefit,
outcome, or result is. Below is the powerful introduction
that I use when people ask me, So, what do you do?

Since 1993, Ive been working with companies

and organizations that want to improve their
connections with people, opportunities, and ideas.

Having a powerful introduction that defines who

you are, what you do, and how you do it is the most
important marketing tool you will ever need to build your
business and grow your career.

Track record + How = Benefit

So, What Do You Do?

Have you ever thought about how many times a day you
get asked what you do? If your average day includes
interacting with other humans (outside your own family
and over the age of five), you have most likely encountered this question daily and probably felt frustrated by
not knowing how to answer it.

Notice my introduction uses the words working

with and want, which are great words to use in defining
how you do something and why. Avoid using the word
and a lot. You dont want to create a laundry list of things
you do and confuse the listener. Follow the KISS rule and
keep it short and simple.

As I travel around the country speaking to people

about this, it always shocks me that people dont know
how to respond to this question. They either say too much
or too little, leaving business or potential opportunities
on the table. If you have plans to venture outside your
home in the near future or if youre in a job transition,
youd better think about how you will respond because
your response will either open or shut doors for you.

Remember, the listener wants to know if what you

do works, so if you have specific results, use them! For
example, here is what Vicki Sullivan says when people
ask her what she does:

One way to practice responding is the SeventeenSecond-Drill, when you summarize what you do, how
you do it, and what differentiates you from everyone else
who does what you do in less than twenty seconds.

Third-party endorsements are significant too

because they are objective sources. If youre not sure
what you do for your clients, customers, or employer, ask
them. Find out what they say about you and how they
describe what you do for them. What specific results or
benefits do they highlight?

Since 1987, I have generated six-figure revenue

streams for hundreds of industry experts who use public
speaking as a marketing tool.

Research tells us that when you are talking to

someone, that listener is actually paying more attention
to how you are saying something than what you are
saying. Ninety-three percent of what people are paying
attention to when youre talking is your voice tonality,
pitch, rate of speech, body language (eye contact, smiling, and posture), which leaves only 7 percent for your
actual words!

Perfecting Connecting Tip

Rule of Twelve

Learn the rule of twelve: the first twelve words you use,
the first twelve physical movements you make (handshake,
eye contact, etc.), and the first twelve inches from your
neck up are what people will remember the most about
meeting you for the first time.

Bottom line: make sure you have energy, passion,

and good body language when youre introducing yourself to someone, which is critical for good first impressions.
Here is a great formula that Vicki Sullivan, a marketing strategist for speakers, from Phoenix, Arizona,
shared with me several years ago.

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ABCs of Powerful Introductions

Here are a few more examples;

For the past ten years, I have been
helping people in the middle- to low-income
bracket achieve their dream of home ownership as a mortgage lender.

1. Always Be ClearBe sure to let people know

what you do. You want people to be intrigued
but not confused. Watch out for industry buzzwords, technical terms, and abbreviations that
dont translate from industry to industry. Establish
your expertise, track record, and credibility right
up front.

Since 1992, Ive been empowering the

next generation as a elementary school teacher
working with inner-city children.

2. Be ConciseFollow the KISS rule. Keep it short

and simple. Use specific results or third-party
endorsements if possible. Avoid making long lists
and run-on sentences.

I work for the largest healthcare system

in San Antonio teaching people how to behave
in front of food as a clinical dietitian.

3. CatchyBe catchy enough to stand out. Why do

you do what you do? Why do you love it? What
are you most proud of? What is special about the
way you do business? What makes you stand out
from your competitors? If you can come up with a
defining statement that people can remember and
will be able to easily repeat to others, then youve
just developed the most important marketing tool
youll ever need.

Im an organizational development consultant who specializes in performance management, working with senior level leaders to
map the strategic plan of the company.

4. ConnectUse common words and examples that

people can relate to so you can connect and immediately establish a rapport. If you can give an
example or a recent accomplishment that will
immediately make a connection for the listener,
play a movie in his or her mind, this will result in
the person clearly seeing what you do and how you
might be able to help him or her.

Perfecting Connecting Tip

Ask yourself these three questions in evaluating your
powerful introduction.
1. Will I really be able to say this?
2. Will people be attracted to it?
3. Will someone else be able to repeat it while standing
at the office water cooler the next day?

5. CommunicateRemember, watch your nonverbal

communication and your mannerisms. End with
open-ended questions to keep the conversation
going. Any question that starts with the word tell,
what, when how, or who will not allow the listener
to respond with just yes or no, which can derail
your conversation.

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My Powerful Introduction

Write out your introduction using the formula provided below. Practice it in front of people who
know you well and will give you their honest feedback. Instead of worrying about wearing the right
outfit or having an attractive business card or perfect resume, spend time on the most important
marketing tool you needa powerful introduction.

What is my track record? What gives me credibility? In what area(s) do I have expertise?

What do I do and how do I do it? What makes me stand out from others who do what I do?

What is the result, benefit, or outcome?

Turn to page 25 for a list of action verbs you can use in your powerful introduction.

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Three-Foot Rule

Remembering your session and the seventeen-second drill, I told this guy that I was
here to make some new connections and smoke
out new opportunities where I could use my
twelve years of sales and marketing experience
in the athletic sports and merchandising industry and where I could really contribute to the
bottom line of a progressive company.

Several years ago, I was speaking on Perfecting Connecting at the United States Olympic Congress, a biannual
event that brings together corporations that are official
United States Olympic sponsors.
During my session, I spontaneously decided to do
an exercise where I had everyone stand up and find someone they didnt know and practice delivering a powerful
introduction (the seventeen-second drill).

This guy Im talking to then says to me

that hes the VP of new business development
for Nike and did I want to grab a beer together
in the reception and talk about possible opportunities with Nike!

Before I turned them loose, I told them how important the first seventeen seconds are, that a first impression is made in those first seventeen seconds, and once
youve made it, it is difficult to alter. I reminded them to
make their introduction catchy and to watch their body
language. Always remember to smile and practice good
eye contact. Watch for industry buzzwords and abbreviations that dont translate from industry to industry. So
once they had the formula for a great seventeen-second
introduction, they proceeded to do the exercise, and I
closed my session.

This was one of the goals Curt set for himself

in attending the conference: to get an introduction into
Nike. In the mens room he met the one person he needed
to meet. And it wouldnt have happened if he hadnt
prepared and practiced his powerful introduction.
He then hugged and thanked me again, apologized
and extended his business card to the woman with the
cream and red wine colored suit, offering to pay her dry
cleaning bill, and off he went to meet with the Nike VP.

A young man named Curt rushed up to the front

of the room and told me how much that drill helped
him. He asked if he could practice it one more time with
me before we all moved into the grand ballroom for the
cocktail reception.

What Curt reminded me of that day is the old rule

called the three-foot rule; anyone within three feet of
you is a potential network contact!

Shortly after, I was leaning on the bar sipping a

glass of red wine, and talking with a woman in a cream
white suit who had been in my session. Suddenly, out
of the corner of my eye, I saw Curt racing toward me.
He threw his arms around me to hug me, and my wine
spilled and splattered onto the womans cream white suit.
Curt started apologizing to the stunned woman and then
turned to me and said,

You never know when or where the

opportunity will present itself for you
to make a powerful introduction that will
take you to the next level in your network.

Youre not going to believe what just

happened. After I left your session I went into
the mens bathroom and another man was in
there. And remember what you said, about
the first seventeen seconds and the importance
of good eye contact? Thats all there is in
the mens bathrooma lot of eye contact and
about seventeen seconds! So we were on our
way out the door of the bathroom and the guy
asked me what I did.

Three-Foot Rule

Anyone within three feet of you is a potential network contact!

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Two months after meeting Curt at that convention,

he sent me this e-mail;

Perfecting Connecting Tip

I had to write you after an incredible

two-month career journey that I have experienced. Im near the end of my career search.
I have two job offers and two interviews scheduled this week.

You are only five or six people away from anyone you want
to meet. Remember the six degrees of separation and go to
your network to help you connect the degrees.

If I accept the job offer I received yesterday (which Im thrilled about), I will have
made substantial lifestyle improvements for
me and my family. Since last August, I will
have increased my salary by $50K and shortened my commute from 30 miles (50 minutes)
to 6.4 miles (15 minutes). Im back into the
business I enjoy and, most importantly, on a
path toward my 5-year goal of owning my
own consulting firm.

When I worked for a career transition firm in Texas,

a board meeting was held one night about ten years ago
in Dallas. During a break, two board members were talking about President George H.W. Bush and one member
said how much he respected Bush and how he would
love to meet him one day. Little did he know that by
verbalizing that request to one of his network contacts,
his dream would come true.
The other board member happened to be a close and
personal friend of the Bushes. He picked up the phone and
called George and Barbara Bush at their home in Houston,
Texas, and this stunned man got to talk to him that night.
When President Bush came through Dallas for a speaking
engagement the following month, this man got to meet him.

Networking is the key. It has helped

me tremendously in both my current job
search and building business contacts within
my industry.

When Im speaking to large audiences, I sometimes do a six-degrees exercise where I have someone
come up in front and state the name of a famous person
that he or she would like to meet. I then ask the audience
members if anyone has any connection that would help
this audience member get one step closer to meeting this
famous person. No matter how many times Ive done
this exercisewith various industry audiences who have
selected famous people such as Queen Elizabeth, Sting,
and Colin Powellweve always been able to prove that
you are only five or six steps away from anyone you
want to meet.

Curt J.
Atlanta, Georgia

Six Degrees of Separation

Have you ever experienced the small-world syndrome?

Do you feel sometimes like the world is made up of
only a few dozen people and we are all connected in
some way? Well, that is why Stanley Milgram, a Harvard
social psychologist, conducted an experiment in an effort
to find an answer to the small-world syndrome. He got
the names of 160 people at random, who all lived in
Omaha, Nebraska, and mailed them a packet including
the name of a stockbroker who lived in Sharon, Massachusetts.

What Milgram also discovered is that not all

degrees of separation are equal. You need to be connected to those network shakers in your life that seem
to stand at the intersection of life connecting people,
opportunities, and ideas. In other words, the people in
your network who seem to know everybody.

Each person was instructed to write his or her name

on the roster in the packet and send it to someone he
or she thought would help it find its way back to the
stockbroker. Milgram looked at how closely connected
someone picked at random in one part of the country was
to another person chosen at random in another part. What
he discovered was that most of the packets reached the
stockbroker in less than six connections.

At the end of Milgrams study, three men who were

all prominent in the Boston area handed almost half of
the packets to the stockbroker. Thats pretty amazing
when you realize 160 people chosen at random in the
midwestern part of the United States sent their packets
to acquaintances, college roommates, or past coworkers
who might have lived in the Boston area or worked in a
similar industry, and half of these packets ended up being
hand delivered to the stockbroker by three men who were
part of his network.

As a result of Milgrams research, the phrase six

degrees of separation was coined. What this study tells
us about our networking is that you are only five or six
people away from anyone you want to meet. Getting in
front of the person who could be your next big client,
account, or employer, is only five or six people away
from you. You just have to let the people in your network
know your needs.

These three men were all shakers in the community.

What this means is that a small number of people seem to
know everyone, and the rest of us are linked through our
connections to them. The old saying Its not what you know
but who you know applies to these shakers.
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Spheres of Influence

Perfecting Connecting Tip

Studies have proven that we all know approximately 250

people. That is, if we think back to our childhood, high
school, college, all the jobs weve held, and organizations
that weve belonged to, we all could recall at least 250
names of people we know. Think about the possibilities
and how our connections to those people could easily
doubleeven tripleour network.

Network Shakers:

Are leaders in your industry/organization

Are prominent in your community
Are mentors
Have diverse interests/friends
Are mavens (Yiddish word for one who is experienced
or knowledgeable)

Strength of Weak Ties

If youre not sure who the network shakers are

in your network, try this exercise adapted from Malcolm
Gladwells book, The Tipping Point (2000).

Another sociologist from Harvard by the name of Mark

Granovetter coined the phrase the strength of weak ties
in his classic book, Getting a Job (1974).
In 1973 he interviewed several hundred professional and technical workers and asked them how they
had found their jobs. He discovered that over 70 percent
of the people he talked to found their jobs through
contactspeople they knew. When Mark asked how
well they knew the contact, he was surprised by the
answers. Of course he assumed that these people were
close friends, but they werent. They were mostly
weak ties. People were not getting jobs through friends
but through acquaintances. He concluded that when it
comes to finding new jobs, gaining new information,
looking for new ideas, and finding new clients, weak
ties tend to be more important than strong ties.

Pick three significant people in your life; they could

be close friends, mentors, or professional colleagues (not
including family members or coworkers). Work backward from each person until you can identify who was
ultimately responsible for setting in motion the series of
connections that led you to that friendship/relationship.
For example, I picked a colleague and friend named
David. The person who introduced me to David was
a friend named Laura. Lauras name also showed up
two other times as I worked backward from two other
significant people in my network. That told me that Laura
was a network shaker in my life. By the way, Laura is
an introverted Artisan. She does not work a room and
meet everyone in it. She will connect deeply with a few
people at a networking event and then quietly, behind the
scenes, figure out how to connect you with her vast and
diverse network.

Its not so important who you know; its who the

people in your network know that can lead you to your
next big opportunity.

Is Your Net Working?

If youve been through job interviews recently, or been considered for a promotion, youve probably been
asked about your social capital. Employers, clients and prospects want to know what social capital you have
that will improve their connections, word-of-mouth advertising, potential partnerships, resources, and alliances. They want to know how you have invested in your network relationships that will pay out in dividends
for their company. In other words, how big is your net and is it working?
To put the strength of weak ties theory into practice for improving your social capital, you must adopt an
attitude that incorporates the following beliefs:
You are only one interview away from your next dream job or new client.
You must live in the present and look for the richness in everyone you meet. Think serendipity and enjoy
meeting people just for the fun of it.
Unselfish giving is the best way to set you apart as a connector. Give expecting nothing in return.
Being a detective pays off. Become a curious observer of people.
You must rediscover active listening skills, listen to understand, and stop reloading when people are
talking to you.
You must believe in the miracle of coincidence.

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CONNECTING
Maintaining your windmill comes next. You
should do maintenance almost every day. Look at the
people on your network windmill. You undoubtedly
know each person well enough to guess their temperament. Apply your new temperament knowledge and
write down next to each name what you think the persons temperament preference is. Review the connecting
clues in chapter 3 for how best to connect with these different people in your network. Next to each name, write
down an idea you have on how to connect appropriately
with each person on your wheel. Every day, do one thing
for one of your shakers. I think youll find by the end of
the month that youve touched everyone on your wheel.
Next month, start the process over.

Your Network Windmill

Create the habit of making one connection everyday for someone on your wheel. This is easy to do in
slow times, and hard to do in busy times. If you maintain
your network windmill in busy times, you probably wont
have any slow times.

Perfecting Connecting Tip

Three Connector Questions

How can I be a valuable resource to this person?

How can this person be a valuable resource to me?
What am I willing to do to strengthen this relationship?

MARGIN

To be an effective connector we must be committed

to growing our network and placing our feet in many
different worlds. The more diverse worlds we have our
feet in, the richer and deeper our network is and the more
productive our network windmill will be.

MARGIN

Windmills have been used for centuries as an important

energy source. Wind power has been harnessed for over
one thousand years to pump water, to grind grain and
to provide motive power for other activities. Think of
your network as a windmill. You are at the center of
the wheel, the hub or wind turbine. What extends
from you are all the worlds that youre connected to
and the people you know in those worlds. In other
words, your fans or blades represent all your spheres of
influence such as church/synagogue, professional associations, volunteer work, recreational/sports groups, community, school, industry, vendors, clients, coworkers,
friends/family and so on.

MARGIN

Tim Sanders, author of Love Is the Killer App:

How to Win Business and Influence Friends (Three
Rivers Press, 2002), says that in the twenty-first century, our entire success will be based on the people we
know. Our network is our entire web of relationships,
and everyone in our address book or Rolodex is a potential partner for every person we connect with. Everyone
we meet can fit somewhere in our ever-expanding business universe. Our job is to figure out where and make
the connection.

MARGIN

PERFECTING

MARGIN

When our network windmill has many blades

which are balanced and strong, the energy generated
provides us with the support, creativity and resources
necessary for anything from a job transition to the
launching of a new company. However, windmills
and turbines must be designed to take advantage of
the slowest wind speeds (in order to generate energy
during periods of relative calm), while at the same
time be controlled in order not to turn too quickly
during high wind speeds.

18

MARGIN

If you commit to routine network windmill

maintenance check-ups you will have an efficient
windmill. The best way to maintain a strong
windmill is to focus on the people you know
especially the shakers. Take a look at the network windmill on the next page. Notice the three
lines coming off of each blade. These lines are
for you to write down the names of people you
know in those different worlds. Take a minute
now to fill in your network worlds and the shakers you
know in each.

MARGIN

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Network Windmill

MARGIN
MARGIN

YOU

MARGIN
MARGIN

Three Connector Questions

How can I be a valuable resource to this person?
How can this person be a valuable resource to me?

MARGIN

What am I willing to do to strengthen this relationship?

Permission is granted to the owner of this book to photocopy this page as needed for personal use.

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Capitalizing on Your Natural Style

Many people, especially introverts, say theyre not good
networkers. However, we can all be effective connectors
once we know how to capitalize on our personality patterns, strengths, and natural talents.

Lets look at the four temperament patterns again

now that you know more about who you are. The different strategies listed below play into the natural talents
and skills associated with each temperament pattern. In
other words, all are effective strategies, but the ones
listed under your temperament preference are skills that
youre likely already good at.

Remember that extraverts dont own networking.

They may be able to initiate conversation more easily and
may be more confident attending a party or networking
function where they dont know a lot of people. However,
real connecting is about relationships, one-on-one. It is
not about working a room, collecting many business
cards. Its what you do with those connections that will
set you apart from the network users.

We can become more effective connectors if we

stretch ourselves to try a technique that might be out of
our comfort zone. Remember, temperament preference
should never be an excuse for why you can or cant do
something. Strive to be better rounded at your connecting
by trying on some of the lessons learned from the other
temperaments.

Natural Talents of the Four Temperaments

The Idealist Connector

The Guardian Connector

Surround yourself with network huggers (your pod of

close friends and family) who will keep you supported
and offer you encouragement.

Demonstrate your consistency by following up, i.e.,

keeping your contacts and network in the loop. Be
dependable and loyal to your network.

Strive to be authentic and real when interacting with

others.

Create or follow a step-by-step process for breaking into

a new market or making a new contact.

Spend an hour each week maintaining your connections.

Show sincere appreciation when others connect you. Be

thankful!

Ask yourself the three connector questions:

Remember the power of the handwritten thank-you note

- How can I be a valuable resource to this person?

Assemble an advocacy board of directors consisting of

people who love you and your services.

- How can this person be a valuable resource to me?

- What am I willing to do to strengthen this relationship?
Look for ways to be a bridge to your network contacts.
Connect people together who you think should know
each other and watch the world become much smaller!

The Rational Connector

The Artisan Connector

Envision how a connection could benefit both parties.

Think big picture and look forward.

Be tactical and look for opportunities to be at the right

place at the right time.

Create an expert folder and seek out experts to gain

knowledge and new information.

Find network shakers in your community or organization

and link up with them. Keep them informed of your
progress and growth.

Develop a powerful introduction that presents your

expertise, track record, and results right up front when
you meet new people.

Remember the strength of weak ties. Its not who you

know but who others know that counts.

Be systematic and organized with your network contacts. Let modern technology support you in keeping
track of your network.

The more worlds you have your feet in, the richer your
connections are, so widen your spheres of influence.
Think diversity!

Think before you speak and speak with confidence.

Remember the six degrees of separation. The only thing

separating you from anyone you want to meet is five or
six people.

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Networking means sending out into

the system what we have and what we
know, and having it return to recirculate
continually through the network.
Wayne Dyer

Phyllis Martin, a Cincinnati-based career

development author, said that some of the
best assistance she has ever received from
her network contacts stemmed from favors
she provided, expecting nothing in return. She
described it as Casting bread on the waters of
my network and getting ham sandwiches back.

Over the years as a professional recruiter, marketing director, and career transition consultant, I have collected a top ten list of networking tips. These ten tips
have come from various sources, but all are proven to be
highly effective.

Network Meetings
One of the most effective ways to grow your network
contacts is to ask for a network meeting. People are busy
and the more connected people are, the fuller and richer
their lives are. A great strategy for getting in front of
these people is to ask for just thirty minutes of their time.
Very few people will have an hour to give you, especially
if theyve never met you. Let your network contacts act as
a bridge to help you make the fist contact.

1. Be open-minded. Everyone is a potential network

source (e.g., hairdresser, doctor, accountant, travel
agent, neighbor, or golfing buddy). Dont ever
eliminate someone as a potential network source
before youve talked to the person. Remember the
three-foot rule!
2. Send follow-up notes and thank-yous to people
who have helped you with a connection or after
meeting with them.
3. Go to your network wheel and contact two to three
new people each week to stay connected. Dont ask
them for anything except for how you can be a
resource to them.
4. Accept all invitations to attend meetings, parties,
and conferences, even when you may not know
anyone that will be there. See if you can get a list
of who will be there so can find bridges and connections that will help you break the ice when
you introduce yourself.
5. Be as specific as possible with your network contacts. Target which industry, company, or person
youre trying to get in front of so they can help you
with the six degrees of separation.
6. Seek involvement. Dont just join an organization
and pay your annual dues. Seek out where you
could offer your expertise and assistance. Get
involved.
7. Return every phone call and e-mail you receive
throughout your life.
8. Dont be a network user and dont commit network
drive-bys. Help others get what they want first.
9. Network for life; dont just network for the moment.
10. Develop a powerful introduction that tells
people what you do and how you do it. This is
the most important and least expensive marketing tool you need.

Once youve scheduled a meeting, its all up to you.

Youre in control of the meeting so youd be prepared,
which means do your homework. Find out where the
person has worked, his or her expertise, where the person
went to school, and any other pertinent background information that will help you make a connection. Of course,
if someone in your network already knows this person
fairly well, see if you can determine his or her temperament preference before you meet so you can appeal to the
persons core needs and values. Think about what words
you should use that would attract this person and keep his
or her attention (review chapter 3).
Remember, you are in control of this meeting.
Think ahead about what you hope to achieve, information you are seeking, and what you would like to learn.
Refer to appendix B for some sample questions that
you might use in a networking meeting.

Label networking meetings

as conversations, not interviews.

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Your Perfecting Connecting Action Plan

We all have very busy lives, and many of us have good
intentions about improving our connections and strengthening our network. However, if we dont commit ourselves, set goals, and monitor our progress, we just fall
back into our old ways of transactional networking. To
practice connectional networking, we must be committed
to doing our part, expecting nothing in return. We must
have positive intentions to help others in our network get
what they want and need first.

Decide to Network
Use every letter you write,
Every conversation you have,
Every meeting you attend,
To express your fundamental beliefs and dreams.
Affirm to others the vision
Of the world you want.
Network through thought.
Network through love.
Network through the spirit.
You are the center of the network.
You are the center of the world.
You are a free, immensely powerful source
Of life and goodness.
Affirm it, spread it, radiate it.
Think day and night about it
And you will see a miracle happen:
The greatness of your own life.
Not in a world of big powers,
Media and monopolies,
But of five and a half billion individuals.
Networking is the new freedom,
The new democracy,
A new form of happiness.

As the former Gossip Queen of East Hills Junior

High School, I have learned that being an effective networker is the most important career skill you will ever
need for business and personal success. However, understanding how people are different, appreciating personality differences, and being aware of your natural talents
and skills will set you apart as a connector.
Use the information about temperament in this
guide to help you understand people in your network
better. It will quickly become second nature once you
start working with the temperament hints and start
people watching.
Another great strategy is to find a partner to whom
you could be accountable for reaching and achieving
your weekly goals. Agree to meet once or twice a month
in person, by phone, or via e-mail to keep each other
accountable to becoming more effective connectors.
On the right is a poem that Donna Fisher and Sandy
Vilas published in their book Power Networking (1991).
It was written by Robert Muller, former assistant secretary-general of the United Nations. It captures the true
essence and philosophy of connecting. I hope it inspires
you to begin Perfecting Connecting!

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Your Perfecting Connecting Action Plan

Two goals that I will complete in the next two weeks to improve my connections and grow my network:
1.

2.

Areas where I need support and/or mentoring:

Who could be a good role model/mentor for me?

What could I do to strengthen that relationship?

What is my temperament preference?

What natural strengths and talents do I have that I can offer to my network?

Looking at my network wheel, where should I focus on growing my network? What areas of influence
are weak?

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Network Shakers Identification Exercise

I developed this exercise as a result of reading an article that Malcolm Gladwell wrote years ago for the New
Yorker. The idea of tracking the connectors in ones world was so interesting and revealing to him that I think it
spurred him to write The Tipping Point (2000). I have found this exercise to be very valuable to the hundreds of
people that I have coached in helping bring to consciousness who the shakers are in their network.
Start by identifying three important people in your network that are not coworkers or blood relatives. Work
backward and identify who introduced you, who introduced you to that person, and so on, until you have
identified everyone who was involved connecting you to this significant person in your network. Inevitably you
will find that one or two people keep appearing on your lists. These are the shakers in your network. These
shakers seem to know everyone and if we know them, then were connected to the world through them.

Name

Name

Name

Identify one or two goals that you will achieve over the next two weeks to reconnect with the
shakers in your network.
Goal One:

Goal Two:

Remember
The definition of insanity is doing what youve always done and expecting different results!

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Action Verbs
Use this list to help you write your Powerful Introduction
Manual/
Athletic
Construct
Dance
Demonstrate
Draft
Fix
Install
Lift
Manufacture
Move
Operate
Participate
Pilot
Remodel
Repair
Repair
Numbers/
Money
Account
Analyze
Audit
Budget
Calculate
Complete
Compute
Estimate
Finance
Invest
Keep books
Manage
Manipulate
Organize
Administrate
Arrange
Categorize
Classify
Collect
Define
Integrate
Maintain
Order
Plan
Prepare
Set up
Structure
Task/
Completing
Accomplish
Achieve
Adapt
Arrange
Attain

Attend
Detail
Develop
Execute
Follow-through
Implement
Inform
Maintain
Monitor
Obtain
Produce
Program
Schedule
Work
Create/
Modify
Adapt
Compose
Conceive
Conceptualize
Create
Design
Devise
Engineer
Enhance
Formulate
Found
Generate
Imagine
Improve
Improvise
Initiate
Innovate
Integrate
Invent
Originate
Revise
Visualize
Analyze/
Summarize
Analyze
Appraise
Consider
Define
Diagnose
Evaluate
Identify
Interpret
Know
Organize
Perceive
Predict
Prioritize
Project

Reason
Resolve
Review
Solve
Summarize
Synthesize
Systemize
Test
Understand
Research/
Investigate
Classify
Discover
Examine
Experiment
Explore
Gather
Hypothesize
Inspect
Interview
Learn
Observe
Question
Read
Remember
Research
Study
Survey
Lead/
Manage
Account
Advertise
Affect
Control
Coordinate
Decide
Delegate
Determine
Direct
Empower
Enforce
Enlist
Establish
Excite
Facilitate
Fire
Fund-raise
Guide
Head
Hire
Influence
Initiate
Inspire
Lead

Manage
Market
Motivate
Move
Negotiate
Oversee
Persuade
Plan
Produce
Promote
Prove
Publicize
Recommend
Recruit
Represent
Sell
Start
Supervise
Take risks
Help/Serve
Advise
Affirm
Arbitrate
Ascertain
Assess
Coach
Consult
Counsel
Diagnose
Empathize
Encourage
Evaluate
Facilitate
Give feedback
Heal
Help
Mediate
Mentor
Model
Reconcile
Rehabilitate
Resolve
Serve
Show hospitality
Support
Treat
Communicate/
Teach
Broadcast
Communicate
Converse
Debate
Demonstrate
Display

25

Dramatize
Edit
Educate
Enlighten
Explain
Express
Illustrate
Inform
Instruct
Lecture
Listen
Present
Print
Read
Report
Respond
Show
Speak
Talk
Teach
Testify
Train
Translate
Tutor
Verbalize
Write
Craft/
Perform
Act
Color
Compose
Conduct
Craft
Decorate
Direct
Draw
Landscape
Lay out
Paint
Perform
Photograph
Play
Sculpt
Shape
Sing
Sketch
General
Acquire
Advance
Alleviate
Amplify
Appreciate
Associate
Believe

Bestow
Build
Call
Cause
Choose
Claim
Combine
Compel
Compete
Complement
Connect
Contact
Delight
Deliver
Develop
Draft
Dream
Drive
Elect
Embrace
Endow
Engage
Enliven
Entertain
Expand
Extend
Forgive
Foster
Franchise
Generate
Give
Grant
Hold
Illuminate
Improve
Increase
Integrate
Involve
Judge
Labor
Launch
Light
Live
Love
Make
Master
Mature
Mold
Navigate
Nurture
Open
Participate
Play
Practice
Praise
Process

Produce
Promise
Protect
Provide
Purchase
Pursue
Realize
Reclaim
Record
Reduce
Refine
Reflect
Reform
Relate
Release
Rely
Remember
Renew
Resonate
Respect
Restore
Sacrifice
Safeguard
Save
Select
Separate
Shape
Share
Sort
Stand
Summon
Supply
Sustain
Team
Team build
Touch
Unify
Upgrade
Utilize
Validate
Value
Venture
Volunteer
Win
Work
Worship
Yield

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Perfecting Connecting Contact Sheets

Think about everyone you know and what connections each might be able to provide. What bridges could these
people provide for you that would open up a new sphere of influence or world for your network? Write down all
their names and think of the possible connections for why you should contact them.

Relationships

Contact

How to Reach

Family:
Mother
Father
In-Laws
Sisters
Brothers
Others

Previous Employment:
Former Employer (or Employees)
Fellow Workers
Customers/Clients
Former Competitors
Others

Education:
Sorority/Fraternity Members
Schoolmates
Alumni Associates
Teachers, Professors
University Officials
Others

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Connections/Bridges

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Perfecting Connecting Contact Sheets (continued)

Relationships

Contact

How to Reach

Personal Relationships:
Neighbors
Friends
Customers/Clients
Armed Forces
Others

Community:
Chamber of Commerce
Volunteer Associations
Nonprofit Boards
Others

Professionals:
Doctor
Dentist
Lawyer
Accountant
Banker
Insurance Agent
Hair Stylist

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Connections/Bridges

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Perfecting Connecting Contact Sheets (continued)

Relationships

Contact

How to Reach

Religious Affiliations:
Fellow Members
Lay Leaders
Others

Outside Activities:
Professional Associations
Social Clubs
Sports Teams/Clubs
Athletic Clubs
Others

Childrens Activities:
Teachers
Parents of Playmates
Coaches
PTA
Parents of Teammates
Others

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Pre-Networking Meeting Worksheet

Before a Network MeetingDo Your Homework!

1. Network contact name and job title, company:

2. What information do I need?

3. Expectations for this meeting:

4. How could I be a resource to this person/company?

5. What are the possible connections?

(People we both know, similar backgrounds, employer, expertise, children, college, hobbies or interests?)

6. Who referred me to this person? How will I initiate contact? Phone call, email, or letter?

TIP

If you intend to set up an appointment with a contact and prefer to use

the telephone to do so, it is sometimes easier if you structure the call. Try
using the Networking Phone Call Worksheet on the following page.

Date:

Location:

Time:

Bring to Meeting:

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Networking Phone Call Worksheet

Making a telephone call to someone you do not know (but to whom you been referred) is easier if you plan
the phone call in advance. Use this worksheet to plan your networking referral calls. Be sure to practice what
you want to say.
1. Name of the person being called:
2. Company name and persons title:
3. Phone number:
4. Name of person(s) who referred you to no. 1:
5. Purpose of call (usually to set up a networking meeting):

6. Opening statement: use no. 4s name(s), give reasons for wanting to see the individual, comments
no. 4 made in suggesting this meeting:

7. Ask for a fifteen- to thirty-minute meeting (at this persons convenience). Always suggest the meeting
take place at the individuals office, where he or she will have access to his or her database.

8. Set appointment time and date:

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Appendix: Questions to Ask

Questions to Ask in a Networking Meeting
1. What kinds of problems, issues, or concerns does your profession, business, or industry face
now and in the near future?
2. What would you recommend that someone with my background do to break into this industry,
profession, company, organization?
3. How do you feel about my qualifications with respect to working with your industry/
organization/company?
4. What industries/companies do you think Im overlooking? What opportunities do you see for
me that I have not thought of?
5. What qualities do you look for in (name the position) that would give you confidence in that
person?
6. What should I do to improve my chances of being seriously considered for a position as (name
the position) or of being given the opportunity to be able to do business with you?
7. Which of my capabilities would you suggest I emphasize more strongly?
8. Which of my capabilities would you say are most valuable in your field or to your organization?
9. What additional qualifications or experience do I need to make myself more marketable in
this business?
10. Considering my experience, skills, and qualifications, what other related fields should I be
pursuing?
11. What professional associations or groups would you suggest I look into for possible membership?
12. Are there publications you would recommend that I read?
13. What companies are in the forefront in this industry?
14. Whom would you suggest as another source of additional service and information about this
field? Possible mentors?

Permission is granted to the owner of this book to photocopy this page as needed for personal use.
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Appendix: References

Resources on Networking
Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. Pocket
Books, 1990.
Fine, Debra. The Fine Art of Small Talk. Englewood, CO: Small
Talk Press, 2002.
Fisher, Donna. People Power. Austin, Texas: Bard Press, 1995.
Fisher, Donna, and Sandy Vilas. Power Networking. Austin,
Texas: Bard Press, 1995.
Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point. Boston, Mass: Little
Brown & Company, 2000.
Granovetter, Mark. Getting a Job. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard
University Press, 1974.
Sanders, Tim. Love Is the Killer App: How to Win Business and
Influence Friends. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2002.

On the Internet
16types.com: www.16types.com
16types University: www.16typesUniversity.com
4Temperaments.com: www.4Temperaments.com
Sarah Michel: www.PerfectingConnecting.com
Telos Publications: www.TelosPublications.com
TRI: www.TRI-Network.com

Resources on Temperament
Berens, Linda V. Understanding Yourself and Others: An Introduction to Temperament 2.0. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos
Publications, 2000.
Choiniere, Ray, and David Keirsey. Presidential Temperament.
Del Mar, Calif.: Prometheus Nemesis Books, 1992.
Campbell, Scott. Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments for Peak
Performance: How to Unlock Your Talents to Excel At Work.
Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003.
Cooper, Brad. Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments and Sales:
An Introduction to the Groundbreaking Sales Methods. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003.
Delunas, Eve. Survival Games Personalities Play. Carmel, Calif.:
SunInk Publications, 1992.
Dunning, Donna. Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments
and Learning: Practical Tools and Strategies for Enhancing
Learning Effectiveness. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003.
Keirsey, David, and Marilyn Bates. Please Understand Me. 3d
ed. Del Mar, Calif.: Prometheus Nemesis Books, 1978.
Keirsey, David. Portraits of Temperament. Del Mar, Calif.: Prometheus Nemesis Books, 1987.
Michel, Sarah. Perfecting Connecting: Learning to Speak the Language of Others. Audio. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003.
Nardi, Dario. Character and Personality Type: Discovering Your
Uniqueness for Career and Relationship Success. Huntington
Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 1999.
Nardi, Dario. Multiple Intelligences and Personality Type: Tools
and Strategies for Developing Human Potential. Huntington
Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2001.
Segal, Marci. Creativity and Personality Type: Tools for Understanding and Inspiring the Many Voices of Creativity. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2001.
Segal, Marci. Quick Guide to the Four Temperaments and Creativity: A Psychological Understanding of Innovation. Huntington Beach, Calif.: Telos Publications, 2003.

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