Monica Dialogues

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes
http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0007149/quotes
IMDb
All
Movies, TV
& Showtimes
Celebs, Events
& Photos
News &
Community
More
Help
Watchlist
Login
IMDb > Monica Geller (Character) > Quotes
View Character Help
Quotes for
Monica Geller (Character)

from "Friends" (1994)
The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Edit Photo
Update Data
Quicklinks
quotes
Top Links
main details
biography
by votes
photo gallery
quotes
Filmographies
by year
by type
by ratings
by votes
by TV series
by genre
by keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo gallery
quotes
"Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go (#2.19)" (1996)

Chandler Bing: Ding-dong the psycho's gone.
Monica Geller: Are you sure?
Chandler Bing: Yes, I actually saw him leave this time. I mean right now that guy is...
standing in the window holding a human head! He's standing in the window holding a
human head!
Chandler Bing: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?
Eddie Menuek: [laughs] Vaguely.
Chandler Bing: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?
Eddie Menuek: [laughs] Yes.
Chandler Bing: So what happened?
Eddie Menuek: We took a roadtrip to Las Vegas, man!
Monica Geller: So on this "roadtrip" did you win any money?
Eddie Menuek: Nah, crapped out, but Mr. 21 here cleans up 300 bucks, buys me this
new pair of shoes. Sweet, huh?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Eddie Menuek: Well see ya pals!
[exits]
Phoebe Buffay: Is anyone else starting to really like him?
IMDb Polls
Which Character from Friends Are You?
Alliterative Attractive Actresses A through D
(a.k.a. Lusciously Lovely Leading Ladies)
Face-Off: Ross & Rachel vs Chandler &
Monica
Actresses with Beautiful Eyes!
Christmas Traditions
I want to date who she's dated!
Most Trustworthy Food Critic?
Most beautiful actress represented by Ford
Models?
The Most Important Thing in Life is...
Alliterative Attractive Actresses 'The Finals"
(a.k.a. Lusciously Lovely Leading Ladies)
See more polls
Monica Geller: [to Phoebe] What about the puppet guy?

Rachel Green: Yeah! You like totally let him wash his feet in the Pool of Your Inner Power!
Monica Geller: And his puppet, too!
Phoebe Buffay: You are such a leaf blower!
Rachel Green: Pool drainer!
Monica Geller: Twig snapper!
Rachel Green: Monkey butt!
Monica Geller: That's not in the book!
Rachel Green: No, but that's what you are!
Monica Geller: You go girl!
[pause]
Monica Geller: I can't pull that off, can I?
Rachel Green: [taking a "Goddess Quiz"] "Have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightening bearer?"... I would have to say "no."
Monica Geller: And I would have to say "P-ha!"
[Chandler is sleeping on Monica and Rachel's couch to avoid Eddie watching him sleep]
Chandler Bing: [wakes up and sees Monica looking at him] What is it with people watching me sleep? There will be no more watching me
sleep!
Monica Geller: I wasn't...
Chandler Bing: No more watching!
Rachel Green: [after Monica and Phoebe tell her about "Be Your Own Wind Keeper"] Oh, so it's a little like "The Hobbit."
Monica Geller: It is *nothing* like "The Hobbit!"
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, question number twenty-eight: "have you ever allowed a Lightning Bearer to take your wind?" I would have to say "no".
Monica Geller: [with an "is she kidding?" look] And I would have to say "puh-HUH!"
"Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate (#1.1)" (1994)

Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Rachel: I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding...?
Rachel: Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.
[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards]
1 of 31
Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut.

Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card]
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
Monica: [to Rachel, at the end of the pilot] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.
Monica: Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're going to love it.
Phoebe: Ooh, ugh.
[as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"]
Ross: Oh, no, no. Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
[she continues to "cleanse his aura"]
Ross: No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine. Be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine, really, you guys. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: [stares at Joey] No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[everyone stares at Chandler]
Chandler: Did I say that out loud?
Joey: [Monica has slept with Paul the Wine Guy on the first date] That 'wasn't a real date.' What the hell do you do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up and move my table back.
Monica: [wide grin on her face] Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
"Friends: The One with the Rumor (#8.9)" (2001)

Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game, plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.
Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross...
Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is.
Rachel: Ross! Who else?
Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was.
Rachel: [to Monica] Did you know about this?
Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door?
Ross: [ashamed] Uh, yes.
Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief.
Monica: [about the rumor Will and Ross started about her in high school] Rachel, everybody in school heard the rumor.
Rachel: You knew and you didn't tell me!
Monica: Well, I was afraid it might be true, you'd cry and then show it to me!
Chandler: Wait a minute, we heard that rumor in my high school! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?
Monica: Well, there was that rumor about you making out with Miss Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross: How did you know that?
Monica: What? So it's true?
Ross: [to Monica] No.
Rachel: Oh, yeah it is. I saw you going at behind the card cataloge.
Ross: Hey, what were you doing in the library?
Rachel: They had magazines!
Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.
Joey: How big is that?
Monica: About nineteen pounds.
Joey: That's like me when I was born!
Ross: It was no big deal. We... we said that... the rumor was that you had both male and female reproductive parts.
Rachel: What?
Will: That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided that Rachel was a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Monica: You started that?
Rachel: What? You heard that?
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
2 of 31
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?
Monica: Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock.
[to Rachel]
Monica: Guess who I invited? Do you remember that guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross' class marching band. He was kinda
overweight... really overweight... I was his thin friend.
Rachel: Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?
Monica: No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't thought about him in a long time.
"Friends: The One with the Embryos (#4.12)" (1998)

Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent from his body!
Ross: Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Oh! Chandler gets it. It's Chandler Bing.
Monica: No.
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chanandler Bong".
Monica: I knew that. Rachel, use your head.
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.
Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review?
Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas.
Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct.
Rachel: [being waken up by the chick at 6 am] What the hell is that?
Rachel: [Monica comes out of her room] What the hell is that? Was it you?
Monica: [they hear the chick again. Rachael growls and heads toward the door to go to Chandler and Joey's room] You're really not a morning
person, are you?
Rachel: Back off!
Rachel: [Monica and Chandler are raising the stakes in the boys vs girls bet, and Chandler has just set the stakes at $200] Monica, I don't
want to lose two hundred dollars!
Monica: We won't!
[to Chandler]
Monica: THREE HUNDRED!
Rachel: MONICA!
Monica: I'm just trying to spice it up!
Rachel: OK, so then play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
[Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening]
Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: The vet seems to think she's becoming a rooster.
[Rooster crows]
Chandler: We're getting second opinion.
"Friends: The One with the Cat (#4.2)" (1997)

[Monica's reunion with an old high school friend]
Monica: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents?
Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.
Monica: So Chip, what do you do?
Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work.
Monica: You mean you still work at the multiplex?
Chip: Free candy and soda as often as I want? Who'd give up that job? I can get you free posters for your room.
Monica: No thanks, I'm set.
Monica: What happened?
Chandler Bing: Well,Joey was born and then 28 years later I was robbed!
[one the phone with Chip]
Monica: Hi, Chip... OK... OK... OK... OK... OK, bye.
[hangs up]
Monica: Oh, my God. We just had the best conversation.
[after Chip picks up Monica and she runs to her bedroom in a towel]
Monica: Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.
Rachel Green: Monica, I couldn't find him for two hours because he was in the bathroom having sex with Amy Welsh.
Monica: Come on. That was back in high school. How could that still both you?
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah you're right, Moni-Cow.
Monica: OK, I hear you.
3 of 31
"Friends: The One with the Ick Factor (#1.22)" (1995)

Monica Geller: I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the Bicentennial!
Ethan: [in awe] I just had sex.
Ethan: There's something you should probably know.
Monica Geller: Is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow morning' or like 'I'm secretly married to a goat'?
Ethan: It's like a mixture of both.
Monica Geller: You did not!
Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was like 9, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happened.
Monica Geller: How is that possible?
Ethan: Well think about it, you always hear it on the news. "A man is being held up at gunpoint", "Tourists are being terrorized at gunpoint".
And I just kept thinking 'why do people continue to go there?'
Monica Geller: What were you thinking?
Ethan: I wasn't thinking! I was too busy falling...
Monica Geller: [grabs his mouth] Don't say it!
Ethan: [mumbled] ...in love with you!
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: [getting annoyed] I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
[Ross and Chandler laugh]
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
[Joey, Ross and Chandler cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do]
"Friends: The One with the Football (#3.9)" (1996)

[Playing Football]
Monica: Okay, Phoebs, you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What's block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're doing.
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
Monica: [Rachel is decorating a dessert with marshmallows] Um, Rachel, you want to put the marshmallows in *concentric* circles.
Rachel Green: No, Mon, *you* want to put them in concentric circles. *I* want to do this.
[sticks a marshmallow up one of Monica's nostrils]
Monica: [to Phoebe] Every year.
Monica: Okay, we have to pick captains.
Chandler: And then Tenniels.
Monica: Losers walk.
Dr. Ross Geller: losers talk.
Chandler: No, no actually, losers rhyme.
Monica: Okay guys, I have exactly 28 minutes before I have to baste again.
Chandler: Wow, just like in the pros.
"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 2 (#1.17)" (1995)

Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention.
Monica: WE BOTH DO THAT.
[filling out a form]
Monica: Are you currently on any medication?
Rachel: Um, oh, wait yes. Blistex.
Monica: Okay, no.
4 of 31
Monica: [laughing] Oh, my God. I am so spoiled.

Monica: Hi. I'm going to need a new set of these forms.
Nurse: Why?
Monica: I am really an idiot... you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, I put mine.
Nurse: You *are* an idiot!
Monica: Hi. I'm going to need a new set of these forms.
Admissions Woman: Why?
Monica: I am really an idiot... you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, I put mine.
Admissions Woman: You *are* an idiot!
"Friends: The One Where Ross Got High (#6.9)" (1999)

Chandler: Why wouldn't your parents be happy that we're living together?
Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry.
Chandler: What? What? Why?
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really sarcastic, or that, you know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take
off your clothes and throw them on the couch.
Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me?
Monica: Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did.
Jack Geller: Is that...
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, *again*.
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau.
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle.
Joey: I wanna gooooo!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.
Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records. Ross did. And Dad, you remember that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your
playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum in a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together.
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put peas in a trifle.
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed
to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the
fact that you had an important relationship is beyond me.
Judy Geller: I think he's stoned again.
Chandler, Monica: What?
Ross: Dude, I need to talk to ya a sec.
[Chandler and Ross go into Rachels former bedroom]
Ross: Okay, I think I know why my parents don't like you.
Chandler: Yeah?
Ross: Okay, we were in college. Spring break. Sophomore year. I got high and my parents came in and smellt it so I said you had smoked it
and jumped out the window.
Chandler: What?
Ross: Oh come on man. How was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college? Let alone you living with my sister?
Chandler: What about that whole friends forever stuff?
Ross: I don't know I was all high.
Monica: [Monica enters] Mom and Dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get Ross stoned.
Chandler: Ross smoked pot in college and he blamed it on me.
Monica: Ross! I can't believe you'd do that.
Chandler: The reason we haven't told them we're together is cause they hate me. So will you fix this please?
Ross: Fine, I'll tell them it wasn't Chandler who was smoking the pot. Who should I say it was?
Monica: You! Doesn't matter its not like you still do it.
Ross: Okay, who should I say "tricked me" into doing it.
Monica: No one. You go out there and you tell them exactly what happened.
Ross: Really?
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: Anything else I should know?
Ross: No. Wait ya. Uh, you melted a bunch of my Dad's records.
Ross: [fake chuckle] Why?
Ross: Evidently you weren't good at handling your 'high.'
Chandler: [comes home] Hey.
Monica: Hey. Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner?
Chandler: Sidney Poitier?
[laughs by himself]
5 of 31
Monica: [pause] I miss Rachel...
"Friends: The One with All the Poker (#1.18)" (1995)

Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Ross: Well are you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy.
Rachel: God, could you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Oh I know he can get really competitive.
Phoebe: [laughs]
Monica: What?
Phoebe: [pretends to pick up a phone] Hello kettle? This is Monica. You're black!
Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?
Monica: I don't think so.
Aunt Iris: Well, he might be now, because I just ran him over with my car.
Rachel: I got an interview!
Monica: Where?
Rachel: Saks Fifth Avenue!
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel! It's like the mother ship is calling you home!
Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! That's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Monica, Rachel, Phoebe: No...
Rachel: But you could teach us!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: No...
"Friends: The One with Chandler in a Box (#4.8)" (1997)

Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but,
[points to Ross]
Monica: married a lesbian,
[points to Rachel]
Monica: left a man at the altar,
[points to Phoebe]
Monica: fell in love with a gay ice dancer,
[points to Joey]
Monica: threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire,
[points to the box Chandler's in]
Monica: live in a box!
Rachel Greene: It's sick.
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel Greene: Because he's Richard's son, Monica. It's like inviting a greek tragedy over for dinner.
Monica: [in response to digs about inviting Richard's son for Thanksgiving] Fine but
[pointing at Ross]
Monica: married a lesbian,
[pointing at Rachel]
Monica: left a guy standing at the altar,
[pointing at Phoebe]
Monica: married a gay ice dancer,
[pointing at Joey]
Monica: threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire,
[pointing at Chandler in the box]
Monica: lives in a box.
Monica: Oh, my God. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
Rachel: It's sick!
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel: Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss (#5.17)" (1999)

[Monica creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room]
Monica: You know, Chandler, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And, if I did, I don't think we would be seeing each other.
Monica: Phoebe and Gary think they're the hotter couple. So, to prove them wrong we have to go and have a ton of sex.
Chandler: Monica, you've got to stop this competitiveness. Just to prove them wrong you want me to go up stairs and have sex with you over,
and over, and over, and I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!
Chandler: Oh, my God. You know what just happened? You just freaked out about our relationship.
6 of 31
Monica: I did not.

Chandler: Yes, you did. Just admit it.
Monica: All right, all right. I admit it, I freaked out a little.
Chandler: A little? You freaked out *big time*. You know what just happened? I became the relationship master, and you turned into the
bumbling screw-up. We have now switched places. Take that.
[Chandler does a victory dance, while Monica stares at him]
Chandler: [stops dancing] And, we're back to where we were...
Monica: Hello Chandler.
Chandler: Monica, this is the men's room!... Isn't it?
Monica: Hey, Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called. You got a second interview.
Rachel Green: Monica, that's not funny.
Monica: Oh, OK.
[dancing]
Monica: A guy from Ralph Lauren called you got a second interview.
Rachel Green: Oh, my God, Monica, you better be serious.
Monica: You just told me to be funny.
"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2001)
Rachel Green: OK, promise not to freak out. We can't find Chandler.
[Phoebe walks in. Gives a thumbs up]
Rachel Green: er's vest. We can't find Chandler's vest?
Monica Geller: Oh, my God! Are you serious.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't worry. We found the vest. Although, we're going to have to keep an eye on it before it runs away again.
Monica Geller: [laughing] OK. Don't scare me like that. For a second I was like "Oh, my God! The worst has happened".
Monica Geller: Chandler, this is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: We're the Bings!
Rachel Green: [to Monica and Chandler] Hi! Aww, you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing!
Monica Geller: Mrs. Bing? These are my parents Judy and Jack Geller.
Judy Geller: It's lovely to meet you.
Jack Geller: So, are you his mother or his father?
Monica: Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad.
Rachel: Okay, what does he look like?
Monica: He's the man in the black dress. Hurry.
Rachel: Okay...
Chandler: Here's something I hope I never have to say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll go see if Rachel has one.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
"Friends: The One with the Kips (#5.5)" (1998)

[after a fight caused by Chandler watching a car chase on TV]
Monica: Well why don't you blame the idiot who tried to drive from Albany to Canada on half a tank of gas?
Chandler: DO NOT speak ill of the dead.
Monica: We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend together. What's wrong with you?
Chandler: I just wanted to watch a little TV. OK relax, mom.
Monica: What did you just say?
Chandler: I said relax, Monnn.
Chandler: So, I guess this is it.
Monica: What's it?
Chandler: Well, it's over. The thing we had.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Because, we had a fight. I mean...
Monica: Chandler, you don't just give up after you have a fight. I mean, if you do that you'd never have a relationship lasting longer than...
Ohhhhh.
Monica: These clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not going to let them. Now we're not a couple of suckers.
Chandler: I hear ya, Muggsie!
Monica: [Monica and Chandler have just dodged another near-miss with Joey] I'm *really* getting tired of sneaking around all the time!
Chandler: I know, me too. Hey, you know what: what if we went away for the whole weekend? You know, we'd have no interruptions, and... we
could be naked the entire time!
Monica: [grinning like she hasn't since she first saw Chandler's "tat"] All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked!
"Friends: The One with the Ballroom Dancing (#4.4)" (1997)

Monica: [to Joey] Hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
Joey Tribbiani: [talking about Mr Treeger] The Guy made Rachel cry.
7 of 31
Monica: Rachel always cries.

Rachel Green: [crying] That is not true.
[Joey walks into Monica and Rachel's apartment and does a dance step on the way]
Rachel Green: What was that?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Rachel Green: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I didn't.
Monica: Yeah you did. You did a little hop.
Rachel Green: You are so enjoying this.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm not. And it wasn't a hop. It was a pas de bourre.
[Joey covers his mouth in embarrassment and Monica and Rachel laugh even harder]
Monica: You go down there, and you suck up to him! I mean, you suck like you've never sucked before!
"Friends: The Last One: Part 1 (#10.17)" (2004)

[Erica has just given birth to a baby boy]
Monica: Oh my God, he's beautiful. Thank you so much.
Erica: I'm really happy for you guys.
Chandler: How do you feel?
Erica: I'm tired.
Dr. Harad: Well, you don't have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute.
[Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly]
Monica: I... I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now?
Dr. Harad: The next baby should be along in a minute.
Monica: We only ordered one!
Dr. Harad: You know it's twins, right?
Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!
[Erica has just given birth to the two babies that Monica and Chandler are going to adopt]
Monica: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.
Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name!
Monica: [pause] Son of a gun, it is!
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking...
Chandler: Yes! Join me, won't you?
[Chandler pulls Monica aside when they are told that they are adopting twins]
Chandler: Whatta we do?
Monica: What do you mean 'what do we do'?
Chandler: [franctically] Twins... Twins...
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
Chandler: Uh huh, join me, won't you? Okay what do you say we keep one and then just like have an option on the other one?
Monica: We can't split them up!
Chandler: Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later they'll find each other... and be reunited. I mean that's a
great day for everybody.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Going Away Party (#10.16)" (2004)
[Rachel is outside with Joey, leaving Ross the last one to say "good-bye" to]
Monica Geller-Bing: [to Ross] So, I guess you're next. You ready?
Dr. Ross Geller: I don't think so.
Chandler Bing: Oh, you're definitely not. I haven't cried like that in years.
Monica Geller-Bing: You cried yesterday at the six-o'clock news.
Chandler Bing: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic!
Monica Geller-Bing: Oh wow, can you believe you are like three weeks away!
Erica: I know.
Monica Geller-Bing: You don't mind me touching you belly, do you?
Erica: No, I don't mind you touching my belly, but right now your hands kinda blocking the part the baby's gonna come out!
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Alright, I think I'm gonna head out.
Monica Geller-Bing: Where you think you're going?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less fun for me to do here.
Monica Geller-Bing: Now, I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember: if I am harsh with you, it's only because you're doing it wrong.
"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 1 (#6.15)" (2000)
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.
Monica: Phoebe, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Chandler Bing: I always thought having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to die.
[to Phoebe]
8 of 31
Chandler Bing: But you're not gonna die. Well, you are gonna die. But you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica: [Chandler is hired as Joey's assistant] You realize what you are now, don't you?
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica: You're his bitch!
Joey: So, Monica. Still going out with Doctor Boring?
Monica: He's not boring. He's just low key.
"Friends: The One with Christmas in Tulsa (#9.10)" (2002)

[Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone]
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.
Monica: You are such a good boss.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the...
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.
Monica: [hugs Chandler] Honey, I am so happy you are home.
Phoebe: Yes, Chandler, you being here is the best gift you could ever give me.
Chandler: Thanks, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Now, give me my real present.
Monica: Oh, my god. Chandler. Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired?
Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me.
Monica: Oh, I'm so happy.
Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents.
[hands out envelopes to everyone]
Ross: [opens envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet".
[everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler]
Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB.
[Chandler is in Tulsa for Christmas on business, and he is on the phone with Monica. He is alone with only one other female colleague,
Wendy, and Monica is worried about it]
Monica: What does she do there?
Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.
Monica: She did what?
Chandler: *Be-low* me!
"Friends: The One with the Flashback (#3.6)" (1996)

Monica Geller: Honey, what's wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: My wife's a lesbian.
Joey Tribbiani: Cool.
Chandler Bing: [Chandler and Monica are hugging, Monica's in a towel] This is nice.
Monica Geller: It is, isn't it?
Chandler Bing: I mean it, this feels really good, is this 100% cotton?
Phoebe: I moved out.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe: I didn't tell you but everyone else knew. That's supposed to be a good thing. I forget why.
Monica Geller: Get ready for me to whip your butt.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, okay, but after that we're playing some pool.
"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2001)
[Jack and Judy walk Monica down the aisle]
Judy Geller: I wish your grandmother had lived to see this.
Monica Geller-Bing: Mom, she's right there.
Judy Geller: Not that old crone. My mother.
Monica Geller-Bing: Chandler, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding, I
turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I'd ever been looking for my whole life. And now here we are with our future
before us and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soulmate, my friend. Unless you don't want to. You go!
Chandler Bing: Monica, I though this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when i saw you walking down that aisle, I
realized how simple it was. I love you. And surprises that come our way, it's ok, because I will always love you. You are the person I was
meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I'm sure?
Joey Tribbiani: You may now kiss the bride. So I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the internet guys, I now
pronounce you husband and wife. O WAIT! Do you take eachother?
Monica Geller-Bing: I do.
Chandler Bing: I do.
9 of 31
Monica Geller-Bing: Who are you?

Priest: I am the priest.
Chandler Bing: He's Greek Orthodox.
Rachel Green: As are you.
Chandler: I know about the baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
Phoebe: They're actually married. And they're gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
"Friends: The One with the Halloween Party (#8.6)" (2001)

[Halloween costumes; Monica's Cat Woman and Phoebe's Super Girl]
Phoebe: Ah so we meet again oh Cat Woman
Monica: So we do oh Super Girl.
Phoebe: [laughs] It's me, Phoebe.
Monica Geller: Hey, Ross.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Ross Geller: Oh, well, you remember the russian satellite Sputnik? Well I am a potato or a spud and here are my antena. so?
Monica Geller: So?
Ross Geller: I'm Spudnik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.
Monica: Oh my god! Chandler is making his 'sex face'!
[Chandler is seen arm-wrestling Ross with a pathetic, weakening, and tense look on his face]
Monica: What are you?
Rachel Green: I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress because pretty soon, she won't be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh. I'm Catwoman. Who wants to borrow the dress when you're too big for it.
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Finds Out (#1.24)" (1995)

Chandler: [Rachel is opening presents on her birthday]
[pointing out a gift]
Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light...
[shakes it]
Rachel: ... it rattles... it's...
[opens it]
Rachel: Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!
[she gives it back to him]
Rachel: [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift] This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book.
And...
[opens it]
Rachel: ... it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: [to Rachel] That book got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: [Rachel picks up the next gift] Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh...
[opens it]
Rachel: ...
[sees it is a pin]
Rachel: Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my
grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
[pats his Travel Scrabble game]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica, Rachel: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal
duck?
Rachel: [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel] What did you just say?
Chandler: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no...
Joey: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
10 of 31
Phoebe: [Ross enters room carrying luggage] How long did you think this barbecue was going to last ?
Ross: I'm going to China.
Phoebe: Geez, you say one thing, and uh...
Monica: You're going to China ?
Ross: Yeh, uh, for the museum. Someone found a bone. We want the bone, but they don't want to let us have the bone, so I'm going over
there to try and persuade them, to give us the... it's a whole big bone thing.
Joey: Well, the tough thing is she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch...
Joey: Ya, well, i still got a week left to go in the program and according to the rules if i wanna get the money i am not allowed to conduct any
personal experiments, if you know what i mean.
Monica: Joey! We always know what you mean.
"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break (#3.15)" (1997)
Monica Geller: That's my doodle of a ladybeetle with a top hat. She's fancy.
Monica Geller: What do I do? Sit here quietly while the three of you have a conversation?
Phoebe Buffay: That would be great. Thank you.
Monica Geller: My guy has coupons. Your guy can't even *say* coupons.
"Friends: The One the Morning After (#3.16)" (1997)

Phoebe Buffay: Why are you mopping your ceiling?
Monica Geller: There's banana on it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I have the spirit of an old indian woman on mine.
Phoebe Buffay: That doesn't sound "painless"
Monica Geller: No, it was pain *full*
Monica Geller: We were just waxing our legs.
Chandler Bing: *Off*?
"Friends: The One with the Birth (#1.23)" (1995)

Monica: [pushes Chandler off her shoulder] come on let's get some coffee.
Chandler: Oh right because we never do that.
Monica: Seriously! Hypothetically, why won't I have a baby by the time I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh dear God... This parachute is a backpack!
Monica: I wanna baby.
Chandler: Hmmm... Not tonight honey. I got an early day tomorrow.
"Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out (#5.14)" (1999)

Dr. Ledbetter: Nice seeing you back on your feet. I think you are ready to come back and work with us again.
Ross: Yes, I am.
[seeing Monica and Chandler having sex through the window]
Ross: Wait, no, no, what are you doing? Get off my sister!
[rushes over there]
Ross: Stop what you are doing, I saw you through the window!
Chandler: Well, we had a good run. Five, six months, that is more some have in a lifetime. Bye.
Monica: Wait, I can handle Ross.
[opens door with her shirt buttoned wrong]
Monica: What's up, bro?
Ross: You!
[chases Chandler around the table]
Ross: You are my best friend. This is my sister.
[Rachel and Joey come in]
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: I think, just think, Ross just found out about me and Monica.
Joey: Dude, he is standing right there.
[Phoebe has been hitting on Chandler]
Monica: Oh my God. She knows about us.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows about us and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it.
Chandler: OK. But what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps... SHE KNOWS.
Phoebe: Bye, Chandler, I miss you already!
Chandler: [shocked after feeling Phoebe pinch his butt] OK, did you see that with the inappropriate and the pinching?
Monica: Actually, I did.
Chandler: OK, now do believe that she's attracted to me?
Monica: Huh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, she knows about us!
11 of 31
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies (#7.3)" (2000)

Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up.
Monica: No. Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?
Phoebe: [pauses] Because I'm normal.
Monica: Wow, I haven't made this many cookies since the 8th grade!
Phoebe: What was that, for a bake sale or something?
Monica: No, just a Friday night
Phoebe: Y'know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's lookin'
up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking *up*?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. No, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.
Monica: Well, I've tried everything. I give up. I guess I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate cookies. I do make the
best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that, right?
Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn't there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that's not
happening 'til October 15th, 2032.
Ross: That's the day you're gonna die? See - darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: That's what *you* think.
Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother's... wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, y'know, I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele
Toulouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: NESTLE TOLLHOUSE?
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language!
Monica: [grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips] Phoebe, is *this* the recipe?
[tosses her the bag]
Phoebe: [reading the recipe on the back of the bag] Yes!
[realizes]
Phoebe: Ohhhh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe: I know! You see, it is stuff like this which is why
[looking down]
Phoebe: you're burning in hell!
"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 1 (#2.12)" (1996)

[to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore]
Joey: I'm not Drake.
Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
Erika Ford: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because... because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me.
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't.
[Monica throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard.
[Chandler throws water in his face]
Monica: [reading Joey's letter from his stalker] Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this
woman was in our building; she knows where you live.
Joey: All right! I got my own stalker!
Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work.
Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.
Phoebe: [singing in the children's program at the library] Someday you'll want to sleep with people so they'll like you, / But that's another thing
you won't want to do, you won't want to do. Everybody, you won't want to do, you won't want to do.
Monica: Excellent!
Chandler: Very informative!
Rachel: Not at all inappropriate!
"Friends: The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks (#5.8)" (1998)

Chandler: You should be a chef.
Monica: Okay.
[in Monica's flashback]
Judy Geller: Here, Monica, you can finish off these pies. There was no room in the fridge.
Monica: No. No thank you.
Jack Geller: Well, Judy, you did it. She's finally full.
Rachel: I can't believe Chip dumped me for that slut, Nancy Branson. You know, I'm taking him back. I don't care how much he begs.
Monica: I think his begging days are over now he's going out with Nancy Branson.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister (#9.8)" (2002)

Monica: [Rachel and Amy get into a cat fight at Thanksgiving] My God! Somebody do something! Stop them!
12 of 31
Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!

Monica: Hey, Amy. Is this the first time you see Emma?
Amy: I think so...
[looks at Phoebe]
Amy: Hi Emma.
Phoebe: Phoebe.
Amy: That's a funny noise.
Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Husband (#2.4)" (1995)

Chandler: [about Joey's cameo in a porn movie] What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video!
Rachel: C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and... help me out, Monica.
Monica: Are you kidding? I want to see Joey!
Chandler: [the porn video takes place in an office] *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen.
Rachel: Wow, I hope she gets the job.
Ross: I'd say he is the one getting *the job*.
Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[Everyone gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun
Bobby on the terrace!
[Everyone runs to the window to look]
Monica: Who told you that?
[Looks at Chandler]
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: [Gasps] You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
[Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
Rachel: [in a childish, nasal voice] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special!
[normal voice]
Rachel: What, does she go put an outfit on at night and go out and fight crime?
Monica: Look, honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now. You're just going to have to get over it.
Rachel: Oh! I'm gonna have to get over it! See, I didn't know that's what I have to do! I just have to get over it! Oh, I'm gonna have to write that
down on my hand.
"Friends: The One with All the Candy (#7.9)" (2000)

Monica Geller: Ross, the neighbors ate all my candy!
Dr. Ross Geller: Mine stole my newspaper! It's like a crime wave!
[Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, but they got hooked on it]
Chandler: Hey! Pipe down! What is the matter with you people? This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so
she could get to know all of you and I bet that not one of you can tell me her name. Am I right?
Neighbor: ...Candy lady?
Chandler: [mockingly] No not "Candy Lady"!
Joey: [pushing the neighbor aside] Let me know if we have candy!
Chandler: Alright, you know what? Forget it, all of you, forget it! You've ruined it! Go home, you've ruined it!
Joey: Yeah, you ruined everything! You ruined it!
Joey: [he goes into the apartment with Monica and Chandler and starts eating the candy]
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a while, I mean, somebody slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: [takes the note] Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...
Chandler: [after a resident has come on to Monica] Is there anyone in this building who hasn't tried to hit on you?
Monica: Well, there's Smokes-a-lot-Lady.
[thinks]
Monica: Wait a minute, that is not true.
13 of 31
"Friends: The One with the Cheap Wedding Dress (#7.17)" (2001)
Monica Geller: You saw me wearing it.
Meagan Bailey: And now you'll see me buying it.
Monica Geller: Wh... You freak.
Meagan Bailey: [after having exchanged information with Monica about their wedding dates and photographer] Oh, who's your band?
Monica Geller: My fianc wants the Swing Kings.
Meagan Bailey: Oh, you're so lucky. My fianc wants the heavy metal band, Carcass.
Phoebe Buffay: [excitedly] Oh, is that spelled with a "C" or a "K"? Oh my god, it doesn't matter, they're both great!
Phoebe Buffay: [somebody has just called Monica, told her something shocking and has then cut her off before she has had the chance to
respond. Phoebe can't fathom what has happened.] Wh-what?
Monica Geller: That was that girl Megan. She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said I couldn't have them back unless I
gave her the dress!
Phoebe Buffay: [shocked] Ooh!
[then excitedly]
Phoebe Buffay: Does that mean Carcass is available?
"Friends: The One Hundredth (#5.3)" (1998)

[a nurse just asked Monica out, Chandler gets jealous]
Monica: Sure, can't wait
[Nurse walks by]
Chandler: How's about me and you, Saturday night?
Nurse: No.
Chandler: Ok very nice.
Monica: All right, I'm going to tell him that its not going to happen.
[as she starts to leave, Chandler does his victory dance]
Monica: DON'T DO THE DANCE.
Chandler: Got it.
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary. Well, I have, and the technical definition is,
two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled
dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
Monica: [interrupting] Know when to stop.
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen.
[They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around]
Monica: Don't do the dance.
"Friends: The One with the Red Sweater (#8.2)" (2001)

[Joey thinks that Phoebe is pregnant and proposes to her]
Monica Geller-Bing: Joey, you can't marry her.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, lady, your day's over. It's my time now.
Joey Tribbiani: Rachel, will you marry me?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller-Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: WHAT!
Chandler Bing: You opened all the presents without me? I thought we were supposed to do that together.
Monica Geller-Bing: You kissed another woman?
Chandler Bing: Call it even?
Monica Geller-Bing: Okay.
"Friends: The One with the Prom Video (#2.14)" (1996)

Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ah, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Monica: [after watching the video] I can't believe you did that.
Ross: Yeah, well...
[Rachel walks to Ross and kisses him]
Phoebe: [Pulls out Monica's old bathing suit] Hey, Monica, what's this?
Monica: Oh, that's my old bathing suit from high school. I was bigger then.
Chandler: Really? I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.
"Friends: The One Where the Stripper Cries (#10.11)" (2004)

Ross: After you told me that she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried
14 of 31
in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forhead but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away but then I felt her
kissing me back. It was only for a second but it was amazing. And now I found out that you kissed her first!
Chandler: Wait, what bed did you say she was on?
Ross: Mine.
Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.
Ross: No, she was defintely on my bed.
Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
Ross: Well then who was on my bed?
Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: No! No! No!
Monica: Yes!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I was the pile of coats.
Ross: Oh my god!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler: What did I marry into?
Monica: Two guys in one night? I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed.
Ross: [after realizing that he kissed other girl than Rachel at a college party] You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I *was* the pile of coats!
Ross: Oh my God!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss *ever*?
Chandler: What did I marry into!
"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 2 (#9.24)" (2003)

Monica Geller-Bing: [everyone is up the wall hearing Joey and Rachel making out] Oh my God! I love how these walls work!
[Ross, Charlie, Joey, and Rachel hears Monica but doesn't know it's her]
Monica Geller-Bing: [with a piece of hair in her mouth] Thanks.
David: [to Phoebe] Um, Phoebe, um... I have uh... something I wanna to say...
Monica Geller-Bing: [Eavesdropping over at the next table; To Chandler] Oh my God, he's gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this. Lets
go.
Chandler Bing: [to Monica] I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? "Uh... Phoebe, um... I would be honored if uh..." Spit it
out, David!
David: [to Phoebe] Um... Phoebe, um...
[Chandler smacks himself in the face out of pity]
David: You're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was... unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help.
Phoebe Buffay: [Nods in agreement] Sure, okay, yeah.
David: But um... well now that we're together again, I don't ever want to be apart, so to that end...
[pulls out a ring from his pocket]
Phoebe Buffay: [Seeing Mike walk into the restaurant] Oh my God, Mike!
David: It's David, actually.
Phoebe Buffay: No, Mike's here.
David: [Turns around] Oh, hey Mike!
Mike Hannigan: Hey, David, Chandler, Monic - whoa
[upon seeing the unpleasantness of Monica's hair]
Monica Geller-Bing: [Cries in anger] It's the humidity!
Mike Hannigan: [to Phoebe] Hi, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: [to Mike] What... are you doing here?
Mike Hannigan: I have a question I need to ask you.
David: [to Mike] I have a question that I was going to ask her myself.
Mike Hannigan: [to David] Yea, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this.
David: [Sarcastically] Okay! Would you care for my seat as well?
Mike Hannigan: Actually yeah, that'd be great.
David: Well that's fair you've had a long trip.
Monica: Everyone is leaving the here with someone else but us!
Chandler: That's not true, I came here with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al.
"Friends: The One Where Ross Can't Flirt (#5.19)" (1999)

[after Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts with other men even though they're together]
Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me. And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you
when he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he *slept* with other women...
[Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch secretly looking for Monica's lost ear-ring]
Monica: Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, I just can't watch. It's too scary.
Monica: It's a Pampers commercial.
[Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down... ]
15 of 31
Rachel: Oh, you know me - babies, responsibilities, ahhh.

Monica: What about these, do these look the same?
Phoebe: Definitely.
Monica: Not as each other.
Phoebe: Oh, then, no.
"Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding: Part One (#4.23)" (1998)
Monica: Guys, hurry up. The flight leaves in four hours. It could take time to get a taxi. There could be traffic. The plane could leave early.
When we get to London, there could be a line at customs. Come on.
Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica
Ross: [bursts into Chandler's hotel room]
Ross: [screaming] I'm getting married today. Whoo-hoo.
Chandler: [with the covers pulled up to his chin] Morning, Ross.
Ross: I'm getting married to... day.
Chandler: Yeah, you are.
Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo.
[he runs back out the door]
Monica: [comes up from below the covers] Do you think he knew I was here?
Chandler: The guy was hammered. There's no way you look like Ross' mom.
Monica: Then why would he say it?
Chandler: Because he's crazy! Earlier, he thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic.
"Friends: The One Where the Monkey Gets Away (#1.19)" (1995)
Monica Geller: [showing the guys her high school photos] This is me in Sound of Music. See the Von Trapp children?
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Monica Geller: That's because I'm in front of them.
Chandler Bing: I thought that was an Alp.
Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god!
Monica: What, what?
Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my left leg.
[Long pause]
Phoebe: Oh nevermind it was just my right leg.
Rachel: [reading her hometown's country club newsletter's Engagements section] Oh, my god... oh, my god, it's Barry and Mindy!
Monica Geller: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost.
Monica Geller: And Mindy your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy my maid of.
"Friends: The One with Frank Jr. (#3.5)" (1996)

Joey Tribbiani: Every inch of this is glued down, it'll take forever, just leave it.
Monica Geller: You can't just leave it, you gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
[Joey puts the toilet brush over the hole]
Monica Geller: That's nice, they can put it back there after the doctors remove it from your colon.
Chandler Bing: [To Joey] Spackle boy get up!
Monica Geller: [To Joey] You started this!
Chandler Bing: He started mine first.
Phoebe Buffay: Build the unit Cinderelli, lay the tiles Cinderelli.
Monica Geller: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
Rachel Green: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn!
"Friends: The One with Monica's Boots (#8.10)" (2001)

Monica: [Monica referring to her fancy new boots] See, Chandler? I'm getting a lot use out of them already. They're very practical. See, you
can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants...
Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on the street corner and earn the money to pay for them.
Monica: [while on his back] Chandler, where are my boots, do you have them?
[Chandler's carrying Monica home after she took her boots off from the pain]
Chandler: Yes, why don't we look in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!
"Friends: The One with the Chick and the Duck (#3.21)" (1997)
Monica Geller: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?
Rachel Green: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?
Monica Geller: Does this have to do with Chandler and that sock he keeps by his bed?
Phoebe Buffay: No, but let's come back to that later!
16 of 31
"Friends: The One with the Stoned Guy (#1.15)" (1995)

Monica: The he told me I harshed his buzz and I said, don't eat that, it's a kitchen magnet and he didn't listen, so we left him in the emergency
room.
Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?
Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
[Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK'
signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it]
Steve: Ah, cool! Taco shells! You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope
Monica: [She takes away the taco shells] You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite.
Steve: Hey! Sugar-O's!
[He grabs the cereal box]
Monica: You know, if you just wait another six and a half minutes.
Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
Monica: [She reaches for the box] No, we don't.
Steve: Oh, OK.
[he drops the box on the floor]
Steve: Oh, sorry.
[When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet]
Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here?
[he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him]
Monica: Okay. Give me the Gummi-bears.
Steve: No.
Monica: Give them to me.
Steve: Alright, we'll share.
Monica: No, give me the...
Steve: Well then you can't have any.
[she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table]
Steve: Man overboard! I think he's drowning.
[he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl]
Steve: Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O. Save yourself!
"Friends: The One with George Stephanopoulos (#1.4)" (1994)

Monica Geller: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey Tribbiani: Probably kill myself.
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm, Joey... OMNI-potent.
Joey Tribbiani: You are? I'm so sorry.
Rachel: [talking about Ross] Can't you just picture him in bed?
Monica Geller: Really don't want to!
"Friends: The One with the Pediatrician (#9.3)" (2002)

Rachel Green: I wonder why Ross said tha he died?
Monica Geller-Bing: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
Chandler Bing: He saw a therapist?
Monica Geller-Bing: Hmmm-mm. Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare. Just really freaked him out.
Rachel Green: Why? What was it?
Monica Geller-Bing: That I was going to eat him.
Monica Geller-Bing: What are you doing?
Chandler Bing: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.
Monica Geller-Bing: Ah, that's so sweet. Did you find anything?
Chandler Bing: Slim Pickens'.
Monica Geller-Bing: Hmmm. Nothing huh?
Chandler Bing: No - Slim Pickens'. It's a barbeque joint.
Monica Geller-Bing: Slim Pickens'? That is so cheesy.
Chandler Bing: So Cheesy also has an opening.
"Friends: The One with the Birth Mother (#10.9)" (2004)

Monica Geller-Bing: And behold she did adopt unto them a baby... and it was good.
Monica Geller-Bing: Why couldn't I have been a reverend?
Chandler: You're Jewish.
Monica Geller-Bing: Technicality!
"Friends: The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits (#10.5)" (2003)

Phoebe: Ugh. I just had the worst anniversary dinner ever!
Chandler: Really? Tell her about us, last year.
Monica: I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a Rap song.
Ross: Really?
Chandler: Word.
17 of 31
Amy Green: [offended] Hey, you know what? This kid needs me, okay? She needs to have a cool fun aunt.
Monica: [argumentatively] I'm a cool fun aunt!
Amy Green: [rolling her eyes] Okay...
Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor events.
"Friends: The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss (#10.1)" (2003)
Monica Geller-Bing: Can you believe it? We're the only ones who are leaving here with the same person we came here with.
Chandler Bing: No, I came here with Monica and I am leaving with Weird Al.
Chandler Bing: [Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are listening to Charlie and Ross through the wall of the hotel room] She's turning on the TV,
it's Miss Congeniality!.
Monica Geller-Bing: Babe, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well.
"Friends: The One with Joey's Dirty Day (#4.14)" (1998)

Emily: Ross. Come look. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Ross: [on the phone] I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard.
Joey Tribbiani: [talking about Chandler being depressed after breaking up with Kathy] DOn't worry. He's still in his sweats. That's phase one!
Don't worry... I'll be back for phase 2.
Monica: What's phase 2?
Joey Tribbiani: Getting drunk and going to the strip club!
"Friends: The One with the Jellyfish (#4.1)" (1997)

Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe, Rachel: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got
the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: [moan] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.
[after Monica's been stung]
Monica: Damn the jellyfish. DAMN ALL THE JELLYFISH!
"Friends: The One on the Last Night (#6.6)" (1999)

Monica: And now you have to leave, and I have to live with a boy!
[after Monica and Rachel are done packing]
Monica: OK, here's the last of your boxes. I'm just going to label it "What were you thinking?"
Rachel Green: Funny, I was going to go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
"Friends: The One with Ross's New Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1995)

[Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair]
Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how HE wears it.
Monica: How who wears it?
Phoebe: Demi Moore
Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
Phoebe: Well, he was HE in ARTHUR and in 10, eh.
Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE., I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
Phoebe: Oh, OH.
Monica: OH MY GOD.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY. Which one is Demi Moore?
Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in DISCLOSURE, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and GHOST.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
Monica: I KNOW.
Monica: Hey, Phoebe, guess what I'm thinking!
Phoebe: Oh, okay. How it's been so long since you've had sex and wondering if they've changed it?
Monica: [Monica glares at her]
Phoebe: Not even close...?
Monica: No... only *now* that's what I'm thinking.
18 of 31
"Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away (#1.9)" (1994)

Joey: Hey, Mon. I have a question... I don't see any tater tots.
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: [the gang is locked out of Monica's apartment] Wait, wait! We have a copy of your key!
Monica: [shrieking] WELL, THEN GET IT! GET IT!
Joey: Hey, hey - that tone won't make me go any faster.
Monica: [warningly, in a growl] Joey...
Joey: That one will!
"Friends: The One with the 'Cuffs (#4.3)" (1997)

[Monica is missing a fake fingernail]
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my God. Your nails.
Monica Geller: I know. I never wear fake ones I only did it so my mom wouldn't give me grief about biting them.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm just saying it's weird you only have nine now.
Judy Geller: Well... everyone seems to like your dish.
Monica Geller: And you?
Judy Geller: I thought it was... quite tasty.
Monica Geller: So if everyone liked it, and you liked it, that would make this a success, which would make you...
Judy Geller: A bitch?
Monica Geller: Well, I was going for "wrong", but we can use your word.
"Friends: The One with the Hypnosis Tape (#3.18)" (1997)

[Monica dates Pete, a millionaire]
Joey: [to Pete] So, how much cash is in your pocket *right now*?
Monica: [to Pete] And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.
Monica Geller: Seriously, what the hell is this?
Pete Becker: I never know how much to tip.
Monica Geller: You're suppose to double the tax, not double the tax of Romania.
"Friends: The One with the Cop (#5.16)" (1999)

Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day.
Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it."
Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong?
Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it.
Chandler: Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta..."?
"Friends: The One with Ross's Tan (#10.3)" (2003)

Chandler: [Ross walks in with a really dark tan] Hold on. There's something different about you.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
Ross: It gets worse.
[holds up his top to reveal one half of his skin is still white]
Chandler: Oh my God! You can do a duet of 'Ebony & Ivory' all by yourself.
Monica: How could you mess this up? You go in the booth, you count to five...
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: [counts quickly] One, two, three...
Ross: Dammit!
Rachel: [after seeing Ross's tan] What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?
[Phoebe & Monica are trying to avoid seeing their former neighbor Amanda, and Monica is on the phone with Amanda]
Monica: Hi Amanda. Uh, actually, now is not a good time.
[Phoebe give Monica thumbs-up]
Monica: Dinner tomorrow night?
[Phoebe gestures and mouths 'no']
Monica: Okay, Phoebe and I will see you then.
[Hangs up phone]
Phoebe: Why, why, why didn't you just say no?
Monica: Well, I said no to her coming over now. I couldn't say no twice. I've got this uncontrollable need to please people.
Phoebe: Fine, fine.
[Walking into kitchen, visibly angry]
Phoebe: You would not hold up well under torture.
Monica: Oh, and you would?
Phoebe: [Quickly turns around] I did.
[Monica looks extremely surprised]
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Big Kiss (#7.20)" (2001)

[for the upcoming wedding, Ross and Chandler have gotten suits formerly worn by movie stars]
19 of 31
Ross: Hey, hey... why don't we put them on? You know, get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together.
Chandler: I would, but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight.
Monica: Too tight? I can see double-O *and* seven in those things.
Chandler: Ross is Batman.
Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
"Friends: The One with the Mugging (#9.15)" (2003)

Chandler: [walking in the door] Honey, I'm old.
Monica: I didn't know you were coming home from lunch. Can I get you anything?
Chandler: Sure, a tube of polident. Some Depends. Birthday wishes from Willard Scott.
Chandler: And here, look, they've got these wheels that pop out the bottom so you can roll around. Apparently, walking is too much exercise.
Kids, kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!
Monica: Wow. Kids today have such an easier time getting fat.
"Friends: The One with the Tiny T-Shirt (#3.19)" (1997)

Pete: [at a hospital dedication] Monica, where are we?
Monica: Well, judging by all the doctors and nurses, I'm gonna have to say midget rodeo.
Ross: [after Joey enters and exits the apartment singing] I guess he must've gotten the part in that play.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Monica: Oh!
Chandler: Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan *was* right. Eventually, the rhythm *is* going to get you.
"Friends: The One with the Two Parties (#2.22)" (1996)

Monica Geller: [Joey is staring at Monica's breasts] Joey, they're not real!
[Joey pays attention]
Monica Geller: I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok? They're fake. See?
[Monica squeezes one of her breasts]
Monica Geller: Honk, honk!
Chandler Bing: [pause] Wow, it's like porno for clowns!
Phoebe Buffay: I have the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Monica Geller: We're not having cake. We're having flan.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: It's a festive custard Mexican dessert.
Joey Tribbiani: Great idea. "Happy birthday, Rachel! Here's some goo!"
"Friends: The One with the East German Laundry Detergent (#1.5)" (1994)
Monica Geller: We ripped that couple apart and kept the pieces for ourselves!
Monica Geller: So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall, short?
Joey: Yup!
Monica Geller: Which?
Joey: Which what?
Monica Geller: You've never met Bob, have you?
Joey: No, but...
Monica Geller: Oh my god! Joey! For all we know, this guy could be horribly...
Angela: [Angela and Bob enter] Hey, Joey!
Monica Geller: [gets a good look at Bob] ... horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now!
"Friends: The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song (#9.7)" (2002)

Rachel Greene: Take it from me. Mothers love me. Ross' mom actually said that I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Monica Geller-Bing: She said WHAT?
Phoebe Buffay: That she's like the daughter that she never had. Listen.
[Monica looks at Phoebe angrily]
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica, Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, you have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight!
Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents, that's a big step.
Phoebe: Really? That hadn't occured to me.
Monica: Sweetie, they're gonna love you. Just be yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the upper East side on Park Avenue!
Rachel: Oh, yeah, she can't be herself...
Phoebe: Alright, so, which dress?
[shows them two dresses]
Phoebe: [long pause] You can say neither...
Monica, Rachel: Oh God, neither!
Monica: I'm sorry honey, we're gonna take you shopping, it's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Yeah, totally, you are in such good hands and I am so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you wanna flirt a little bit
but not in a gross way, just kind of like "Oh, Mr Pinser, I can see where Wallas gets his good looks from."
Monica: You went out with Wallas Pinser?
20 of 31
Rachel: Ah, he took the SAT's for me.

Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel: [scoffs] Well, duh!
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner (#3.14)" (1997)

Chandler Bing: I just had me a nubbinectomy. Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica Geller: Just like Rachel in high school.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Monica Geller: Oh, come on. You got to admit, it was an easy joke.
Chandler Bing: That was an easy joke. I could have thought of it. Why didn't I think of it?
[Points at where his "nubbin" was]
Chandler Bing: The source of all my power. Oh, my God, what have I done?
Joey: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did.
Monica: Well, what did you do?
Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life.
Monica: You know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, because it'll be more fun that way.
"Friends: The One Where They're Up All Night (#7.12)" (2001)

[neither Monica nor Chandler can sleep]
Monica: [lying in bed with Chandler] You awake?
Chandler: Yea, are you?
Monica: You know that was me who just said that?
Chandler: How about we just talk all night like we did when we started going out?
Monica: Alright. That does sound like fun.
Chandler: [referring to Monica's book] So how bummed were you when the second sister died?
Monica: The second sister dies?
Chandler: No. I meant the second sister dies in the book I was reading.
Monica: The second sister dies in "Archie and Jughead: Double Digest"?
Chandler: [embarrassed] That's correct.
"Friends: The One Without the Ski Trip (#3.17)" (1997)

Phoebe: Aren't you gonna go?
Rachel Green: No, thank you.
Monica Geller: No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.
Rachel Green: Well, they never have any paper in there, you know, so my rule is: "No tissue, no tushy."
Joey Tribbiani: Anybody got a coat hanger?
Chandler: Oh, I do!
[sarcasm]
Chandler: Wait, no, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.
Monica Geller: So if your parents hadn't gotten divorced, you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person?
"Friends: The One with Joey's Big Break (#5.22)" (1999)

Phoebe: [about Ross] I'm trying not to be mad at him, but man that guy can push my buttons.
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that...
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking. Has anyone seen my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross" on it.
Monica: Open your eyes.
Rachel Green: They are.
[Rachel's eyes are closed]
Monica: How many fingers am I holding up?
Rachel Green: Four.
Monica: Oh, my God. I was thinking four.
Rachel Green: Really?
Monica: OK, now this is just practice. One... two... three.
[Rachel quickly jerks her head to avoid the eyedrops]
Monica: My pillow's all wet.
Rachel Green: Well, you said it was practice.
Monica: Then why did you move your head?
Rachel Green: Because I knew you were lying.
"Friends: The One with All the Resolutions (#5.11)" (1999)

Monica Geller: I can't wait to see you. I'm just going to tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple hours.
Chandler: Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname?
[Rachel is shocked]
Monica Geller: You know what your nickname is, Mr Big...
Rachel: AHHHHH!
[hangs up]
21 of 31
Ross: Hey! What are you doing?

Monica Geller: This is my new year's resolution!
Ross: To blind my child?
"Friends: The Last One: Part 2 (#10.18)" (2004)

[last lines]
Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica: We've got some time.
Rachel: Ok, should we get some coffee?
Chandler: Sure. Where?
Monica: Do you realise that all of us have lived in this appartment at some point?
Ross Geller: Uh, I haven't!
Monica: What about that summer you stayed with Grandma and you tried to make it as a dancer?
Ross Geller: Do you know we almost made it ten years without that coming up?
"Friends: The One Where Old Yeller Dies (#2.20)" (1996)

Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.
Joey: You know, one of these times, you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over!
Monica: Ooh, that'd teach me a lesson.
"Friends: The One with Monica's Thunder (#7.1)" (2000)

Phoebe: Check it out! Okay, I can play this when guests are coming in. Okay
[singing]
Phoebe: 'First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay But here I am singing on his wedding day!'
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: If you would've let me finish, it goes on to say that he's probably not gay.
Rachel: No one was supposed to see us kissing!
Monica: Oh, is that why you did it in the secret hallway where no one ever goes?
"Friends: The One with the Candy Hearts (#1.14)" (1995)

Rachel Green: Pete the Weeper? Remember? The guy who always used to cry when we had sex?
[mock crying]
Rachel Green: "Was it good for you?"
Monica Geller: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard the "I Win" guy.
[imitating Howard]
Monica Geller: "I win! I win!"
[normal voice]
Monica Geller: I went out with the guy for two months; I didn't get to win once.
Monica Geller: Hey, here's a picture of Scotty Jarrett naked.
Rachel Green: Oh, let us see!
[she and Phoebe look at the photo]
Rachel Green: Hey, he's wearing a sweater.
Monica Geller: No.
Rachel Green, Phoebe Buffay: EEWW!
"Friends: The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel (#3.4)" (1996)

Chandler Bing: [on the phone] Hi Janice, hold on
[puts the phone to his chest]
Chandler Bing: what do I do?
Rachel Green: I don't know
Monica Geller: If we did, what you did, no man would ever call us again, act like you just woke up, be sleepy
Rachel Green: And grumpy
Chandler Bing: Stop naming dwarfs!
Monica Geller: Why are you being such a weenie? So he plays with a doll. You used to dress up like a woman.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: You used to dress up in Mom's clothes. You had the pink hat and the little pink bag.
Dr. Ross Geller: You're making this up!
Monica Geller: How can you not remember? You made us call you "B".
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh God!
Susan Bunch: I've literally never been so happy.
Monica Geller: Wasn't there a song?
Carol Willick: Please let there be a song.
Monica Geller: [sings] "My name's B, I drink tea..."
[She follows Ross who locks himself in the bathroom]
Monica Geller: "Won't you, won't you, won't you..."
[opens the door]
Monica Geller: "... Won't you dance around with me?"
22 of 31
"Friends: The One with the Apothecary Table (#6.11)" (2000)

Chandler Bing: OK, now try again.
Monica Geller: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?
Chandler Bing: Perfect. Now you see, that wasn't loud.
Monica Geller: [yelling] I know!
Joey: She kisses better than my mom cooks!
Monica Geller: I am so glad you said "cooks".
"Friends: The One with the Tea Leaves (#8.17)" (2002)

Monica Geller-Bing: Honey? Why is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Cat Stevens case?
Chandler Bing: Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case I just put them in the nearest one.
Monica Geller-Bing: Ok, well, where's the Cat Stevens CD?
Chandler Bing: In the James Taylor case.
Monica Geller-Bing: Where's the James Taylor CD?
Chandler Bing: Honey, I'll save you some time: two hundred CDs? Not one of them in the right case.
Monica Geller-Bing: [holding Chandler's CD] Honey? The Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler Bing: They were just giving those away at the store... in exchange for money.
"Friends: The One with the Truth About London (#7.16)" (2001)
Monica: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him.
Chandler: You mean the spitter?
Monica: Come on! It wasn't that bad!
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you'll be wearing a veil.
Monica: All right, what about the third guy?
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Monica: Can you blame him?
Chandler: Sorry, I just don't like the idea of when I say, "I do," he's thinking, "Yeah, I'd do her too!"
"Friends: The One with Princess Consuela (#10.14)" (2004)

[Phoebe changes her name after marrying Mike]
Monica: Hello, Miss Buffay.
Phoebe: Oh, that's not my name any more.
Monica: Oh, you changed it? Congratulations, Mrs. Hannigan.
Phoebe: No, that's not my name either.
Monica: What did you change your name to?
Phoebe: Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Dream (#9.19)" (2003)

[Chandler booked a room in Vermont for himself and Monica, but she can't go, and he can't cancel the room]
Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: [reading the hotel brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... *moonlight boat ride*?
"Friends: The One with Joey's Bag (#5.13)" (1999)

[no-one knows about Monica and Chandler yet]
Monica: Chandler loves my massages.
Chandler: No, actually, he doesn't.
Monica: The minute we start to lie to each other...
[pause, everyone looks at Monica]
Monica: And, by *we*, I mean society.
"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 1 (#9.23)" (2003)

Monica Geller-Bing: Chandler, we have talked about this: you are not supposed to give people advice! Couldn't you have made some sort of
inappropriate joke?
Chandler Bing: I did! A penis one! Just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?
Monica Geller-Bing: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike. She'll say no, David's heart'll be
broken, it'll be too hard for them to recover from, and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Chandler Bing: Man, that is some bad advice.
"Friends: The One with the Donor (#9.22)" (2003)

Dr. Connelly: Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular
basis.
Chandler Bing: [sarcastically] Oh, dammit!
Monica Geller Bing: [the doctor is nonplussed] Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.
23 of 31
"Friends: The One with the Sharks (#9.4)" (2002)

[Monica thinks that Chandler has a shark fetish]
Monica: Do you want me to get inside the bathtub and thrash around?
"Friends: The One Where Nana Dies Twice (#1.8)" (1994)

Chandler Bing: [referring to Chandler being mistaken for being homosexual] So what is it about me?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. You're smart, you're funny...
Chandler Bing: Ross is smart and funny, you ever think that about him?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, right!
Chandler Bing: What is it?
Monica Geller: Okay, I don't know. You just... you have a quality.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Exactly.
Chandler Bing: Oh, good, "a quality," good. I was worried you guys were going to be *vague* about this.
"Friends: The One at the Beach (#3.25)" (1997)

Chandler Bing: Besides, worse comes to worse, I'll be your boyfriend.
Monica Geller: [laughs] Yeah, right.
Chandler Bing: [puzzled] Why is that so funny?
Monica Geller: [amused] You made a joke, right? So I laughed.
Chandler Bing: [nervous laugh, then totally serious] A little too hard. What, am I not boyfriend material?
Monica Geller: [still amused] No, your Chandler. You know, Chandler?
[punches Chandler on the arm]
Chandler Bing: [pretending to be joking] Okay, so we've established my name, and hit me.
[then serious]
Chandler Bing: But theoretically, you know, I mean, say we weren't friends, it's a blind date, I show up on your door and I'm like,
[deepens voice]
Chandler Bing: "Hey, nice to meet you, hey, hey."
Monica Geller: I'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.
"Friends: The One with Joey's Porsche (#6.5)" (1999)

Monica Geller: I wonder what age it is that you stop being able to put both legs behind your head.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I can still do that.
Monica Geller: How are you still single?
"Friends: The One with the Memorial Service (#9.17)" (2003)

Dr. Ross Geller: I'm dead an no one cares.
Monica Geller-Bing: I look like a man!
Chandler Bing: Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one
day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.
"Friends: The One with Russ (#2.10)" (1996)

Monica Geller: [about Ross and Russ] They're as different as night and... later that night.
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work (#9.11)" (2003)
Monica Geller-Bing: Okay, it's baby time! Pants off, there, Bing!
[sees Ross]
Monica Geller-Bing: Didn't see you there, Geller.
"Friends: The One Where Ross Moves In (#5.7)" (1998)

Rachel: Well, what kind of a regatta gala starts at night?
Monica: The fake kind.
"Friends: The One with All the Haste (#4.19)" (1998)

Chandler: [the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys] Open up, open up, open up!
[pounds on door]
Monica Geller: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica Geller: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's
nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I
am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and...
24 of 31
Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: [next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking] Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
"Friends: The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion (#3.24)" (1997)
Pete: It's okay, it's not as bad as it looks. It's a precaution. I'm not supposed to move my spine.
Monica Geller: Please tell me you're stopping now.
Pete: I'm fine! I'd fight tonight if they'd let me. See this circle I'm marking off here? This is my zone of terror.
"Friends: The One with the Bullies (#2.21)" (1996)

Joey Tribbiani: Monica, relax, go get a beer.
Monica Geller: I don't want a beer.
Joey Tribbiani: Who said it was for you?
"Friends: The One with Joey's New Girlfriend (#4.5)" (1997)

Monica: [sneeze] Oh, gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold!
Phoebe: You mean you stole it!
Monica: [sneeze]
Phoebe: Don't cover your mouth when you do that!
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Book (#7.2)" (2000)

Monica Geller: I've been thinking, it's not right for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding, you worked hard for that
Chandler Bing: I thought about it too and when I proposed I said I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding will
make you happy then that's what we'll do
Monica Geller: But what about the future and stuff?
Chandler Bing: Forget about the future and stuff, so we'll only have two kids, we'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college
Monica Geller: You thought about that?
Chandler Bing: Yeah
Monica Geller: How many kids were we going to have?
Chandler Bing: Four, a boy, twin girls and another boy
Monica Geller: What else do you think about?
Chandler Bing: Stuff like where we'd live, like a small place outside the city where our kids can learn to ride their bikes and stuff and we'd have
a cat with a bell on its collar and we can hear it every time it ran through the kitty door then we'd have an apartment over the garage where
joey can grow old
Monica Geller: I don't want a big fancy wedding anymore
Chandler Bing: Sure you do
Monica Geller: No I want everything you just said I want a marriage
"Friends: The One with the Home Study (#10.7)" (2003)

Monica Geller-Bing: [to the adoption lady] We're so glad you're here. We're really excited about getting this process started.
Chandler Bing: Because we love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That's just a figure of speech. We love kids the
appropriate amount... as allowed by law.
"Friends: The One with the Lesbian Wedding (#2.11)" (1996)

Monica Geller: Tell me if this is too cute, lesbian wedding: chicken breasts.
"Friends: The One with the Sonogram at the End (#1.2)" (1994)
Judy Geller: [about Rachel] Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar.
Monica Geller: What's that supposed to mean?
Judy Geller: Nothing. It's an expression.
Monica Geller: No, it's not.
Jack Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent and you always have been. Even when you were a kid, and you were chubby and
you had no friends, you were just fine! And your'd read alone in your room, and your puzzles...
[later]
Jack Geller: There are people, like Ross, who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum and his papers getting published. Other people are
satisfied with staying where they are. I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. They're happy with what they have, they're
basically content, like... cows.
"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 2 (#6.16)" (2000)
Monica: You know, Phoebe, a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Chandler: I thought a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.
"Friends: The One with the Engagement Picture (#7.5)" (2000)

Phoebe: Maybe you guys can get portraits done at a professional photographer.
Monica Geller: That's a great idea. And maybe they'll have one of those wind machines and I can go like...
[Monica starts waving her head and flipping her hair]
Phoebe: That's great. Next to that, Chandler won't look so stupid.
"Friends: The One Where Joey Moves Out (#2.16)" (1996)
25 of 31
Dr. Ross Geller: Mon... Mon You Ok?

Monica Geller: Yeah...
Dr. Ross Geller: You ok?
Monica Geller: Uh... you remember that video that i found of mom & dad that one time?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah?...
Monica Geller: Well I just saw the live version of it...
Dr. Ross Geller: EW!
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner (#9.5)" (2002)

Monica: Did you smoke?
Chandler: Yes. But I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five! A pack. Two pack - A carton.Three big fat cartons in two days!
"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know (#2.15)" (1996)
Monica: I'm dating a guy whose pool I once peed in.
Richard: I didn't need to know that.
"Friends: The One with the Ball (#5.21)" (1999)

Monica Geller: I made this game what it is.
Chandler Bing: Not fun anymore?
"Friends: The One with the Cake (#10.4)" (2003)

Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.
"Friends: The One with the Breast Milk (#2.2)" (1995)

Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another
and, before I knew it, we were... shopping.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, my God.
Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.
Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure!
Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!
"Friends: The One with the Thumb (#1.3)" (1994)

Monica Geller: I just wish that once I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.
Paula: Well, you do realize that the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.
"Friends: The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel (#6.2)" (1999)

Monica: [on Chandler moving in] Have you found a way to tell Joey yet?
Chandler: Np. I keep saying "Joey, I have to..." and then I end with "go to the bathroom". I think he may think I'm sick.
Joey: [enters the apartment] Hey, you feelin' better, man?
"Friends: The One with the Race Car Bed (#3.7)" (1996)
Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
"Friends: The One Where Estelle Dies (#10.15)" (2004)

Monica Geller-Bing: If we don't get this house, she's still going to show up wherever we go! At least if she's here, it eliminates the element of
surprise. Never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body!
"Friends: The One with the Boobies (#1.13)" (1995)

Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why.
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Uterus (#4.11)" (1998)

Monica Geller: All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, give me that pad, please?
[Monica starts drawing on it]
Monica Geller: All right. Now...
Chandler Bing: Look, you don't have to draw an actual wo... Whoa! She's hot!
Monica Geller: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones.
[She starts labeling them]
Monica Geller: You got one, two three, four
26 of 31
[Chandler is shocked to find out there's more than three]

Monica Geller: , five, six, and seven!
Chandler Bing: There are seven?
Rachel: Let me see that.
[Monica shows her]
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Chandler Bing: [Points to one] That's one?
Monica Geller: It's kind of an important one!
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down.
Monica Geller: Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler Bing: That-that's bad?
Monica Geller: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
Chandler Bing: Well, you might if it were anything like 7!
Monica Geller: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit 'em all, and you mix 'em up. You gotta keep them on their
toes.
Chandler Bing: Oo, toes! Well, for some people.
[Chandler eyes her and her toes]
Monica Geller: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4,
[Rachel starts getting worked up]
Monica Geller: 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7.
Monica Geller: [Starting to yell] 7... 7... 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7!
[Monica and Rachel both lean back on the couch satisfied]
"Friends: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance (#6.4)" (1999)
Monica Geller: Hey Rach, aren't these candlesticks mine?
Rachel: No, no, I bought those.
Monica Geller: Oh, right, I forgot... that you're a liar!
"Friends: The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends (#3.13)" (1997)
Monica: So, can we still be friends and have sex?
Richard: Sure, it'll just be something we do together, like racquetball.
"Friends: The One with Ross's Library Book (#7.7)" (2000)

Monica Geller: [talking about Janice] She cornered me! She asked if the wedding was in town. What was I suppossed to do?
Chandler Bing: Lie! How hard is that? 'Your check's in the mail,' 'Oh, your baby is so cute,' ' I can't wait to read your book, Ross.'
"Friends: The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS (#5.4)" (1998)

Chandler Bing: [Chandler has to replace a broiling pan of Monica's that he ruined] Uh, quick broiling pan question?
Monica Geller: Yes, it really does cost that much. Maybe next time, your duck can puke in something from Pottery Barn.
"Friends: The One with Joey's New Brain (#7.15)" (2001)

Monica Geller: Why is your family Scottish?
Chandler Bing: Why is your family, Ross?
"Friends: The One with All the Kissing (#5.2)" (1998)

Monica Geller: [calling from the hall] Rachel, open this door!
Ross: Is it locked?
Rachel Green: No. She's fine.
"Friends: The One After Ross Says Rachel (#5.1)" (1998)

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, dude! Let me in, I got a girl out here.
Chandler Bing: Well I've got a girl in here.
Joey Tribbiani: No you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica.
Chandler Bing: Well, we're... we're hanging out in here!
Joey Tribbiani: Which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Chandler Bing: Well, I suppose I would have to say
[the last word in a growl]
Chandler Bing: YOU. Look, what if we're watching a movie in here?
Monica Geller: Yeah, which we are, and we already paid for it. It's My Giant.
Joey Tribbiani: My Giant? I love that movie!
"Friends: The One with the Giant Poking Device (#3.8)" (1996)
Monica Geller Bing: [after bumping Ben's head on the ceiling, Monica & Rachel are thinking of ways to distract Ross from the bump on Ben's
head] I've got it! The second that Ross walks in that door I want you to take him back to your bedroom and you do whatever it is that you do
that makes him go, "Reee!"
Rachel Green: Or... We could put a hat on his head.
"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 1 (#1.16)" (1995)

Chandler: So tell me something: is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?
Monica Geller: No. You see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's, but obviously,
27 of 31
[looks directly at Rachel]

Monica Geller: someone forgot.
Rachel Green: Well, *someone* was supposed to write, 'Rach, take down the lights,' and put it on the re...
[sees the note]
Rachel Green: frigera... how long has that been there?
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Crush (#4.13)" (1998)

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, a new Playboy.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever.
"Friends: The One with the Lottery (#9.18)" (2003)

Monica Geller-Bing: [about Emma] How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Rachel Green: Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Chandler Bing: Kind of like Joey...
"Friends: The One with the Proposal: Part 2 (#6.25)" (2000)

Monica Geller: In all my life... I never thought I would be so lucky. As to... fall in love with my best... my best... there's a reason why girls don't
do this!
"Friends: The One with the Blackout (#1.7)" (1994)

[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch
children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Has a Baby: Part 2 (#8.24)" (2002)
Monica Geller-Bing: Oh, my God, she's amazing! I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!
Chandler Bing: It's incredible... I mean, one minute she's inside you and then 47 hours later here she is!
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath (#8.13)" (2002)

[Chandler laying in the bathtub]
Chandler Bing: [thinking] All right, this isn't so bad. I like the flowery smell! Which is okay, because I've got my boat. I can actually feel my
tension just melting melting away. I could fall asleep in here. I could drown in here. Mmm... drowning.
Monica Geller-Bing: [entering] So?
Chandler Bing: Oh my God.
Monica Geller-Bing: I told you you were a bath person. Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial.
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna need a bigger boat.
"Friends: The One with the Butt (#1.6)" (1994)

Dr. Ross Geller: [Monica is trying to convince the gang that she can be irresponsible, random, and a "kook"] All right, you madcap gal, try to
imagine this: the phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica Geller: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because you're a 'kook'! Instead, you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica Geller: [a little uncomfortable] I could do that.
Rachel Green: Okay, okay, you let me go grocery shopping...
Monica Geller: No problem!
Rachel Green: I'm not done yet.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: AND... I buy laundry detergent BUT... it's not the one with the easy-pour spout!
Monica Geller: WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
[she catches herself]
Monica Geller: One might wonder... but I would be fine with that.
Chandler Bing: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day.
[Monica begins to squirm, and Chandler goes in for the kill]
Chandler Bing: Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica Geller: STOP IT! Oh, my god... it's true. Who am I?
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica... you're Mom.
Phoebe Buffay: [makes screeching violins from "Psycho" noises, wielding an imaginary knife]
28 of 31
"Friends: The One with the Dirty Girl (#4.6)" (1997)

Monica Geller: [talking about Ross' new, incredibly gorgeous girlfriend] Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?
"Friends: The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey (#5.15)" (1999)
Monica: Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Chandler: Oh no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth, you know, behind being ready and actually wanting
to get married.
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs (#7.8)" (2000)
Rachel: If a guy just broke up with his girlfriend, how long do you think is an appropriate time to wait before you... make a move?
Phoebe: I'd say about, a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say three or four.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.
"Friends: The One Where Joey Tells Rachel (#8.16)" (2002)

Monica: Joey isn't even thinking Bout going after Rachel. All he is thinking about is how you are taking this. I mean it's completely freaking him
out. He's talking about loving yo Vermont.
Ross: Why?
Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant (#7.4)" (2000)

Dr. Ross Geller: How could you tell her?
Chandler Bing: I had to, okay? We're getting married. Married people can't keep secrets from one another!
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler Bing: DU-UDE!
Monica Geller: What happened in Atlantic City?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler Bing: Did you not hear me say, "DU-UDE!"
"Friends: The One with the Jam (#3.3)" (1996)

Monica Geller: I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man! And what's the opposite of
man? Jam!
"Friends: The One Where They're Going to Party! (#4.9)" (1997)

Monica Geller: I got offered the head chef job at Allessandro's.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: It's ok, 'cause you know what, if you think about it you don't really need me for the business.
Phoebe Buffay: You're the cook! Without you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Rats (#9.12)" (2003)

Monica Geller-Bing: [about Emma's new nanny, Molly] What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone
attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.
"Friends: The One Where Heckles Dies (#2.3)" (1995)

Rachel: Monica! Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
Monica Geller: Rach, I think we have enough regular lamps.
Rachel: What? Oh come on! I mean, it's, it's not, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything. Which by the way, I also think is really
cool.
Monica Geller: Look, it doesn't go with any of my stuff?
Rachel: Well, what about my stuff?
Monica Geller: You don't have any stuff.
Rachel: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
Monica Geller: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnno...
Rachel: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just someone who rents a room.
Monica Geller: ...Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Rachel: Okay, well you "mmmmm" on that for a while. I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp!
"Friends: The One Where Ross Finds Out (#2.7)" (1995)

Chandler: [Chandler is doing sit-ups, but falls back on the floor]
Monica: Come on, give me five more.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Five more!
Chandler: No!
Monica: Five more, and I'll flash you.
Chandler: [Chandler immediately resumes his sit-ups]
Chandler: One... two... two and a half. Okay, just show me one of them.
29 of 31
"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 2 (#2.13)" (1996)

Monica Geller: [Monica and Jean-Claude are on a blind date] You know I gotta admit that I was kinda surprised that do agreed to go on a blind
date.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Normally I would not do it.
Monica Geller: Well, what made you make the exeption for me?
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Cause Rachel told me you were dying to have a threesome with me and Drew Barrymore. Oh, by the way, Drew
has some groundrules.
"Friends: The One with the Holiday Armadillo (#7.10)" (2000)

Monica Geller: [looking at Chandler in a santa costume] Hey, You think you can keep it another night?
Chandler: Santa, really?
Monica Geller: Yeah, is that ok?
Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up like santa?
Monica Geller: No...
Chandler: Then it's okay!
"Friends: The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad (#6.21)" (2000)
Monica Geller: You've gotta go back there and kiss some serious robot ass!
"Friends: The One with the Routine (#6.10)" (1999)

Monica: Ross we better stick to the routine; we don't want to look stupid.
"Friends: The One with the Baby Shower (#8.20)" (2002)

Rachel Green: What's the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe Buffay: About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.
Monica Geller-Bing: Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it.
Rachel Green: What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking!
"Friends: The One Where Rosita Dies (#7.13)" (2001)

Jack Geller: Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica Geller: I used to love to play restaurant.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play "un-cooked batter eater."
Monica Geller: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a lightbulb to cook brownies!
"Friends: The One with the Proposal: Part 1 (#6.24)" (2000)

[Chandler and Monica run into Richard and his new girlfriend]
Richard: I see you grew your hair long.
Monica: Yeah. Oh, that's right, you always wanted me to. I see you grew your mustache back.
Richard: Yeah, my nose was getting lonely.
Chandler: [to Richard's date] And you don't have a mustache, which is good.
[laughs, stops abruptly and extends his hand]
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
"Friends: The One with the List (#2.8)" (1995)

Chandler: Let's get some perspective, here! These things, they happen for a reason!
Monica Geller: Yeah: YOU!
"Friends: The One After Vegas (#6.1)" (1999)

[Chandler's key broke in Monica's door]
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: I love you too.
Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now?
Monica: Um... no?
Chandler: Uh... yeah, yeah, me neither.
"Friends: The One with the Chicken Pox (#2.23)" (1996)

Monica Geller: [lamenting that Richard isn't as obsessive as she is] I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing! My boyfriend doesn't
have a thing!
Dr. Richard Burke: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well there.
"Friends: The One with the Joke (#6.12)" (2000)

Monica: [Rachel, Phoebe & Monica are looking at the Playboy of the Month]
Rachel: See now, I would date this girl. She's cute, she's outdoorsy, see, & she knows how to build a fire, I mean that's got to come in handy!
Monica: Hey I've got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: [looking at Monica and Phoebe] I don't know...
Monica: [looking at Phoebe and Rachel] Yeah, me either...
Phoebe: [looking at Rachel and Monica] Rachel.
Monica: [Monica and Rachel both look at Phoebe] What?
30 of 31
Phoebe: I don't know... me neither

[Running off]
"Friends: The One After I Do (#8.1)" (2001)

Rachel Green: I can't. I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me please.
[Phoebe looks at the pregnancy test]
Phoebe Buffay: It's negative.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: It's negative.
Rachel Green: Oh. Well, there you go. Phew. That's great. That is really really great news. You know because the whole not being ready and
financial aspects, all that stuff. This all just the way is supposed to be.
Monica Geller-Bing: [solemnly] Well, then great.
[Phoebe hands Rachel a tissue. Rachel starts crying]
Rachel Green: Thanks. God, this is so stupid. How can I be upset over something I never had.
[pause]
Rachel Green: It's negative?
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's positive.
[Monica and Rachel are stunned]
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: It's not negative. It's positive.
Rachel Green: Are you sure?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah. I lied before.
[Rachel looks at the pregnancy test]
Phoebe Buffay: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's a risky little game.
Monica Geller-Bing: Are you really going to do this?
Rachel Green: Yeah. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby!
[the three of them hug]
Phoebe Buffay: With who?
Rachel Green: Aw, it's still not the time.
IMDb Everywhere
Follow IMDb on
Find showtimes, watch trailers, browse photos, track your
An
Contact Us
IMDbPro
Top 250
Message Boards
Box Oce Mojo
Top Movies
Register
Withoutabox
TV
News
Coming Soon
Watchlist and rate your favorite movies and TV shows on your

phone or tablet!
IMDb Mobile site
Home
Conditions of Use
Site Index
Press Room
Privacy Policy
Search
Advertising
Interest-Based Ads
In Theaters
Jobs
company.
Copyright 1990-2015 IMDb.com, Inc.
Amazon Affiliates
31 of 31
Amazon Instant Video
Prime Instant Video
Amazon Germany
Amazon Italy
Amazon France
Amazon India
DPReview
Audible
Watch Movies &

TV Online
Unlimited Streaming
of Movies & TV
Buy Movies on
DVD & Blu-ray
Buy Movies on
DVD & Blu-ray
Buy Movies on
DVD & Blu-ray
Buy Movie and

TV Show DVDs
Digital
Photography
Download
Audio Books

Monica Dialogues

Hochgeladen von

Dokumentinformationen

Copyright

Verfügbare Formate

Dieses Dokument teilen

Dokument teilen oder einbetten

Freigabeoptionen

Stufen Sie dieses Dokument als nützlich ein?

Sind diese Inhalte unangemessen?

Copyright:

Verfügbare Formate

Monica Dialogues

Hochgeladen von

Copyright:

Verfügbare Formate

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

IMDb > Monica Geller (Character) > Quotes

View Character Help

Monica Geller (Character)

"Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go (#2.19)" (1996)

See more polls

Monica Geller: [to Phoebe] What about the puppet guy?

"Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate (#1.1)" (1994)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut.

"Friends: The One with the Rumor (#8.9)" (2001)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

"Friends: The One with the Embryos (#4.12)" (1998)

"Friends: The One with the Cat (#4.2)" (1997)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

"Friends: The One with the Ick Factor (#1.22)" (1995)

"Friends: The One with the Football (#3.9)" (1996)

"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 2 (#1.17)" (1995)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

Monica: [laughing] Oh, my God. I am so spoiled.

"Friends: The One Where Ross Got High (#6.9)" (1999)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

Monica: [pause] I miss Rachel...

"Friends: The One with All the Poker (#1.18)" (1995)

"Friends: The One with Chandler in a Box (#4.8)" (1997)

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss (#5.17)" (1999)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

Monica: I did not.

"Friends: The One with the Kips (#5.5)" (1998)

"Friends: The One with the Ballroom Dancing (#4.4)" (1997)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

Monica: Rachel always cries.

"Friends: The Last One: Part 1 (#10.17)" (2004)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

"Friends: The One with Christmas in Tulsa (#9.10)" (2002)

"Friends: The One with the Flashback (#3.6)" (1996)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

Monica Geller-Bing: Who are you?

"Friends: The One with the Halloween Party (#8.6)" (2001)

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Finds Out (#1.24)" (1995)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

"Friends: The One the Morning After (#3.16)" (1997)

"Friends: The One with the Birth (#1.23)" (1995)

"Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out (#5.14)" (1999)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies (#7.3)" (2000)

"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 1 (#2.12)" (1996)

"Friends: The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks (#5.8)" (1998)

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister (#9.8)" (2002)

Sunday 26 July 2015 02:53 PM

Monica Geller (Character) - Quotes

Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Husband (#2.4)" (1995)