Davis Wu

Ode To Tofu
As the human brain, our brain, develops with age our ability to recognize the multiple
uses of things such as tofu begins to decline. Once past the age of five, with no scientific
evidence whatsoever, we are no longer able to utilize our minds to invent methods of tofu usage;
our harboured love for tofu declines with age. Of course, there is no use in inventing said
methods if we do not know what tofu really is. Tofu, which can also be called bean curd, is a
food made by coagulating soy milk, resulting in soft white blocks that are a component of many
East Asian and Southeast Asian cuisines. Not only does our humble tofu have a low calorie
count, but it is also high in protein and, as a result of the coagulant used in manufacturing, iron.
In order to convince world without doubt that tofu is a wonderful invention in the culinary world,
we must analyse the origin of tofu, rediscover the common uses of tofu, and create all new
methods of tofu usage.
Tofu was invented with the intentions of improving human kind in mind. The etymology
of the word tofu comes from a Japanese word that is derived from the Chinese word doufu,
which means curdled or fermented beans. To be more specific, the beans used to make tofu
are actually soybeans, which can prevent cancer, increase cognitive function and verbal memory,
provide essential fatty acids, and lower the risk of cholesterol and heart diseases. In order to
curdle soy beans, they must be fermented. The concept of aging and passing time is associated
with the word fermenting, which connects to the production of wine, a beverage that only gets
better with age. Therefore, whoever the inventor of tofu is must have had the intention of taking
all the benefits of the soybean, and improve upon said benefits through fermentation.
Furthermore, the invention of tofu provides humans with an alternative protein source that is
made from a bean, but feels and tastes nothing like a bean. Thus, for a vegetarian, more variety is

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available; variety is attractive, and, therefore, keeps vegetarians vegetarian. In doing so, more
meat is available for those who enjoy meat. More meat for the meat-eaters and more variety for
the vegetarians can only result in overall human happiness. A happier mankind results in a better
mankind. An alternate world, in which tofu was not invented, would most definitely be a world
with higher incarceration rates.
Not only does tofu improve human kind, but, despite its common uses being not nearly as
appreciated as succulent beef is in the culinary world, it is one of the most diverse foods in the
world. A list of just a few tofu variants includes fresh tofu, soft and silken tofu, firm tofu, extra
firm tofu, processed tofu, pickled tofu, stinky tofu, sweet tofu, savory tofu, dried tofu, fried tofu,
frozen or thousand layer tofu, tofu skin, and soy pulp. In fact, tofu skin can be divided into two
very different kinds of tofu skin. One kind of tofu skin is extremely soft whereas the second kind
is dried and requires rehydration. Even after the second kind is rehydrated, it remains slightly
tough, which is why it can be considered to be the tofu equivalent of al-dente pasta. Backtracking
to the general list of different kinds of tofu, the two most interesting kinds are pickled tofu and
stinky tofu, which are both fermented. To expand upon the previous fermentation theory, pickled
or stinky tofu is a fermentation of fermented soy bean. By having a fermentation within a
fermentation, the previously mentioned health benefits of a soybean exponentially increase.
Furthermore, with enough creativity, an entire dish could be created using only varieties of tofu,
resulting in a delicious dish filled with various textures and flavours. Comparing a dish of tofu
variety to a dish made entirely of different cow parts may very well be equivalent to comparing
the ruler of ancient Rome to a homeless man eating a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken that he
found in a dumpster near his local recycling depot.

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Unfortunately, to be able to identify regular uses of tofu is not nearly enough to fully
appreciate tofu. We must, also, identify the outlandishly possible uses of tofu, which our narrow
minds cannot comprehend as being possible. What must first be established is that any concept
that we cannot perceive or understand must be considered to be possible. For example, we are
aware that a flock of birds knows exactly where to fly during migration despite the fact that we
cannot perceive how a flock of birds would even begin to tell north from south without a
compass. Thus, to warm up to the concept of seemingly impossible concepts being possible, we
will begin our quest to find outlandish uses of tofu within our own world. Firstly, if we were to
replace all the water in a swimming pool with a massive block of soft tofu, we could
theoretically play the most intense game of Tag in the world on top of the tofu. In this game,
the only method to keep yourself from sinking into tofu darkness is to restlessly run on the
surface of the tofu. There would be no place to hide, and a massive incentive to move.
Alternatively, all the players could begin inside of a block of tofu, forced to eat their way through
the tofu in a game of Hide And Go Seek. Secondly, using the same theory that allows us to run
on tofu, humanity could build a bridge of tofu that connects all of our continents. In order to use
this bridge, one would have to continuously run for months, thus, reducing obesity issues.
Thirdly, if a replica of the Burj Khalifa were made out of firm tofu, the replica would be less
likely to be destroyed in the case of a level nine earthquake due to tofus ability to sway more
than a tower made of metals and glass. Another architectural use would be to build a bomb
shelter out of tofu skin. A shelter made of one hundred thousand layers of tofu skin would be
impenetrable to weapons of mass destruction. Moreover, creating one hundred thousand layers of
tofu skin is no difficult challenge because, mathematically, the amount of layers increases

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exponentially with each fold. Thus, tofu has architectural usages as well as entertainment and
transportation usages.
Beyond our world is space and the planets within space, where tofu might even be more
useful than it is in our world. In the possible instance that there is intelligent life beyond our
world, tofu should be used as a peace offering. There are multiple reasons for why tofu would
make an excellent peace offering: we could inscribe a peaceful message into the tofu, the aliens
could eat our message after reading it, the tofu itself could teach the aliens about our
advancements in the science of fermentation, the tofu could be sent to the planet using a
dehydrated tofu skin spaceship that runs primarily on tofu fuel, and the tofu will arrive in better
condition than we sent it in because of the previously mentioned fermentation theory. If we were
to fill the previously described spaceship and send it to a planet that could support life but is not
yet inhabited by life, we would be the ones introducing life to that planet. Our single celled
organisms, then, could eventually evolve into intelligent life forms such as ourselves. Adversely,
we could also send stealth chunks of tofu into the space surrounding rival planets that we wish to
destroy. If a massive meteorite were headed towards a planet surrounded by floating tofu, the
meteorites velocity would be reduced upon crashing through the tofu. Thus, the meteorite would
enter the planets atmosphere at a lower velocity, resulting in less of the meteorite burning up in
the atmosphere, causing a larger crater to form on the planet upon impact. Eventually, these
craters would render the planet devoid of life. However, if we have no intentions of destroying a
rival planet, sending stinky tofu to our rivals would be the perfect, with no need for an
explanation, intimidation factor. Therefore, intergalactic tofu has, through regular eyes, unseen
benefits of mass creation, mass destruction, and mass intimidation.

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On an even larger scope, intergalactic tofu can be seen as just a slice of the entire block of
tofu. Our world has brought up thought-provoking and insightful questions about alternate
universes through the study of Schrodingers cat. To briefly explain this experiment, the theory is
when we look at a cat that, within the next five seconds, is just as likely to die as it is to live,
there is one timeline where we see a dead cat, and another timeline where we see a live cat.
Therefore, any situation that could bear two different outcomes of the same likelihood will
produce an alternate timeline, or universe. If this is true, then there must be an insurmountable
number of alternate universes that we are not aware of. Since each alternate universe is likely to
have its own variance of tofus, we can safely say that tofu has an infinite number of forms. What
we perceive to be tofu variety is actually limited in comparison to what we can find in alternate
universes. Because there is no evidence that tofu cannot allow us to travel between universes and
time, we must assume that tofu could be the key to such traveling. If the advances in tofu science
allows us to build an alternate universe connecting bridge, the possibilities of tofu creation will
be a marvel for the eyes of humanity. Once again, the power of tofu is not confined to creation. If
we used tofu time travel to return to the Stone Age, we could begin feeding every single living
animal with tofu. The health benefits of tofu will massively decrease the chance of an animal,
such as a cat, having a perfect fifty percent chance of dying. Thus, tofu can be used to destroy an
extremely large number of universes, our own included.
Although the origins of tofu are small and humble, tofu displays potential to be the single
greatest invention of mankind that has an infinitesimal amount of uses, ranging from those we
can perceive to those that can bring together planets and universes. What started as a creation for
the betterment of mankind could end with the destruction of our own universe. Along the way,
however, tofu could bring us a golden age of creativity and happiness. Even in this ode to tofu,

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the billions of uses for tofu cannot possibly be covered and explained. However, in exercising
our creative minds, we can invent more uses for tofu each day, leading us to tofu rapture and
enlightenment. Although tofu was created to improve mankind, mankind can improve upon
themselves by creating unique methods of tofu usage. There is no limit to what we, as a species
of intelligence, can do with tofu, so why should there be a limit to what the rest of the universes
can do with tofu? Thus, the limitlessness of tofu is only a gateway to discovering the
limitlessness of the space-time continuum as a whole.