Hey there, why do we have to always tell the world of our virtues when we would want you in

our organization; and then constantly struggle to engage you, enthrall you, delight you… all
this in the name of being a great place to work and consequently containing attrition…!?

Are not most of us so tired of reading so much about great places to work, survey after
survey, year after year; and when we end up in those great places - sans a little initial
euphoria : mostly restricted to the pre-offer to joining date stage – are stunned to find
that what we read is non existent, and most of that looks like it all evaporated in thin air,
just because we joined in… and we get to self beating on the basis of luck, star and what
not!

For a change, why don’t we get to know that this is how things will be…?
Welcome aboard the world of Imaginary….

After much of thought and confabulation, the internal communications team of Imaginary
Inc, our dream company did make this outright honest attempt – aimed at putting a decisive
full stop on the ever-haunting problem of attrition.

Welcome aboard Imaginary Inc.

If you are a prospective hire at Imaginary P Ltd, please read through carefully, and make up
your mind – whether this is the ‘great place to work’ you want to be at. If all that follows
sounds a perfect setting for you, we are over-delighted to have you make a career at
Imaginary!

1. Depending on what level you are joining in, you would have met our
managers/functional heads in the process that led to our hiring you. Most of all what
was stated in the so called discussions, was done only with the intent of luring you to
Imaginary. Never make the silly mistake of thinking that any of that was serious. It
was just that most of us here overdo, thanks to the fact that we are a company with
gifted sales people! When we don’t have prospective clients who may fall for our
sales acumen, we hone our skills with prospective candidates. That’s all about it! (If
you notice in hindsight, we deliberately kept HR out of this hiring process – that
meant our HR used the precious time only dousing internal fires.. more on that.. read
on 

2. Once you join in, someone from HR will handle you a bunch of papers – we call it the
joining kit – and it is up to you to find out a corner place in our swanky (is it?) to
spend a couple of days filling up the forms, whilst off course wondering why the hell
I joined in this place . That’s a de rigueur we want all who join Imaginary to go
through! It is a pointer that whatever you want to do – be it work, or anything
besides work, which is what most at Imaginary have mastered doing – you will feel
lonely all through the way to a sparkling career with us!

3. Induction: It’s mostly on the job at Imaginary! We do not have a documented on-
boarding process, and that serves us well. Most of those who matter in our company
 are actually busy, gods knows doing what! So, why do we have to waste quality (Ah?!)
leadership time! Its best that you get inducted on the job by yourself, and a few of
those around your workstation, who got inducted the same way! We are so confident
that they will informally induct you on a whole lot of trivia, which will form the crux
of how you will do at Imaginary. Some of the things that you can expect them to do
– how you have to always act as though you are busy to death, how it’s ok to bullshit
about performance that never will happen, and revenue streams that will not see the
light of the day, how for us our brand name matters more than anything else, how we
treat our customers with contempt, under the shade of our brand… this list is going
endless? Well, don’t worry about induction, and you will be inducted! That’s the
magic at Imaginary!

4. Workspace & Work-tools: Sure, when you met up with our functional heads, it was
promises galore – on how your great cubicle would be and what we will provide you. If
you ever think that the office ambience will be close to the places you were met up
with, in the run-up to the offer, then our apologies. Despite so much we do to
control attrition, you would go soon. For heavens’ sake, welcome to reality! You
cubicle will for sure be an apology for a workspace, and it will be quite sometime
before you get a telephone – lucky you if you can speak or be audible on that; And a
while by the time you get a mail id, and the basic stuff like stationery, and similar
paraphernalia. Relax, and don’t be in a hurry. The last we want is our beloved
employee feel the pressure in early days (it is a different story that if you have
worked in any of those ‘professional work places’, then unto retirement or death, you
will not have anything like work pressure. We are content with the image we have
cultivated, thanks to some great colleagues we earlier had – reality is this place is
full of theatrics!)

5. Vision statement: By god, none of us who have been with Imaginary for years have
least bothered to understand the vision statement. We are told that our corporate
office in Papua New Guinea crafted this about a decade ago, and as a rule, we have
to hang it in all of our offices. That besides, there is nothing more to the so called
vision. And we would want you to be clear that the vision statement in only on our
walls and there up on the danglers and other promo material! Don’t ever pester HR
or any of us in trying to know more of our vision, mission etc. None of us here bother
to do that, and you too will be better of that way!

6. Work culture: Well, there is nothing what we can define as culture for Imaginary.
You do will know & would have read a lot about how culture comes from the people
and leaders in any company. We have a whole lot of people, who imagine that they
are cultured, and Imaginary being the universe of these imaginary cultured people,
there is some work culture. We suggest that in case you are so curious yet to know
our work culture, you will figure it our as you go on. And believe us – heavens won’t
fall either even if you don’t ever figure out this bull of culture!

7. Communication policy: We do have a robust communications team; they take care of

making the right noises in the media. Internal communication to employees happens
 regularly – only thing is you will find no signature in the mails sent – other than just
an ambiguous ‘communications team’. That’s our way of saying that most of our
leaders and colleagues alike don’t like to communicate anything straight and on
record. We rather use the power of communication in closed doors, in bickering,
bitching, backstabbing and the worse of things. On a formal note, our team is so
busy god knows doing what; so none of us would prefer to waste our times
communicating – why communicate stupidity, waste your time and my time, and make
all of us vulnerable to the already mucked up brags in the workplace? We prefer to
be incommunicado, and as time goes on you will see a lot of sense in what we do, and
in turn you will also do the same!

8. Company growth: Don’t even ask us what our growth plans are – 5 years ago, we
never imagined we would reach here, and so who cares! May be or may not be, we will
be much better of 5 years down the line. We never planned any of this long back,
and we would not to drain our energy by planning etc. Think that god blessed us, and
will bless us come what may. That’s the best way to look at growth when you are at
Imaginary!

9. Personal growth (your career na!): We have no clue about the yardstick we use to
grow people, and that will include you when you are on-board! Most of our people
have hung on for years with no clue on how they have grown or even better, whether
they need growth at all or not! That’s the magic of Imaginary rather! We create a
semblance of your growth without any need for tangibles attached – no hike, no sync
with market standards in compensation and benefits, no connect with the market,
when the whole world out there has changed beyond recognition… We are sure you
know its your life, your career, and your growth.. so why on earth would you want us
to take any responsibility for that! And believe us in this.. Empowerment of
employees is in our DNA, and once that is done, you can’t ever ask us what to do
about your growth! Unfair and we hate that attitude!!

10. Reporting head: We all know you are keen to know about the person to whom you will
report to whilst in Imaginary! The person may differ in name or position, but we
want you be to very clear about some of the personality traits that are common
across reporting bosses here – just another example of what we value truly –
equality. Your reporting head is unintelligent, will have no time for you, be busy 24/7
with god knows what, be on phone, and be glued to his laptop, god know doing what,
and above all is a hard worker – only thing the hard work is restricted to sucking up
to those who matter. We are an organization who strongly believes in rewarding
hard work, and that’s the reason your boss is where he is. Nothing else. And if you
come with an urge to get to his/her place, there is no choice but to work hard – in
the same manner as your boss did!

11. Training and development: Well, there is no limit to which our training and
development team can coach you to be a better professional – off course, in the
Imaginary scheme of things. You must know that in our company, no one person is
bigger than the organization. And we are paranoid about this. Be rest assured that
 whenever you hit problems in dealing with the ever-present politics, bitching, i kick
your ass attitude of a whole lot of us, and the so many crude and refined variations
of all this, our training function will be intervening in facilitating your cruise
through. You either join the party by displaying behavioral changes they will tutor
you to, or stay away by being stoic as they will suggest. We have to add something
more about how great our training function is – by sheer professionalism, they have
started hitting the market with their famed intervention strategies, and started
bringing in their fair share of revenues to our company growth - our finance
function says that they have grossed 250% of their target, and god know what the
absolute target in rupee terms was! And what beats us is how good similar training
wings in other companies could be – if our training is good for the customer, then
god knows…!

12. Job Rotation: Immense are the chances that over the years you stay with us, we will
endeavor to rotate you in various roles. Please do not ever think that this is a policy
with merit and performance as a cornerstone. Nothing can be far from true.
Provided you play well in the ongoing murky politics of Imaginary, no matter how
disastrous you are/were in your present/most recent role, we will put you in another
role – technically a larger role, in all probability. This is the only way we can really
create a semblance of rewarding poor souls, who have staked their career with us,
thanks to our brand name. Many of them have burnt a better part of their work-life
in choosing to be with us, and it is by job rotation that we express our gratitude for
these souls (pity, what all they have to do, to survive in that role; any case, what did
they do in the previous role, only god knows!)

13. Transparency: We are a transparent organization, and no one in the world would
dare disagree. Most of our former employees, who failed to play by our rules, would
admit that they were beaten outright in the kind of transparency we had – the way
of our internal bickering, of the coteries around anyone worthy of a manager, and all
the muck around here! Not that our present employees know any little. Even our
avowed rivals will vouch that we were transparent – so much so that they did not
need any intelligence to figure out what we were all about. We would challenge you
to prove to us that such a culture of transparency existed in any other company,
worth its salt!

14. Rehire policy: Yes, to err is human, and many of our former colleagues did err in
leaving to a place that was better than Imaginary. And to forgive is a good thing we
follow at Imaginary - come what may, or be what it was! It could be that the former
employee damaged our reputation, stole our data, wiped division’s revenues
completely or anything worse; never mind do we. What is important is that these
souls must be willing to serve our agenda, suck up if need be, or play quiet if need be.
We strongly advise our re-hires against any mistaken notion that we have changed
or will try to change. Nope. They can get what they want by bullshitting when we put
them up in discussions for re-hire. End of story. After joining back, they mind their
own business, and we (meaning some of us) mind the agenda! No else will have such a
rehire policy for sure.
15. Compensation: You have the offer letter already on hand, and that is what you
asked for and accepted. So, now please get to work or act like most of us do. You
are bound to see enough inequities, and jerks worse or better than you, earn much
more. That’s what they asked for before they joined in, and got. And it’s the simple
rule of professional life most of us fail to decipher – you are only worth as much the
price you quote before joining. Till we make you join, we will do anything. Once you
are in, than god save! Off course, this is not to say that you won’t be in the top
percentile of compensation once you are in – that depends tons on how you play the
rules, which you by now have a good idea of? If you did not, the stay and watch as a
spectator. We have a good crowd with us doing precisely that!

16. Employee Engagement: There is so much for someone who wants to be engaged at
Imaginary! Our philosophy here is pretty simple – if you can’t engage you, then how
the hell can we engage you – we do strongly believe that each human being and
employee in that is a unique and one of its kind specimens. We have at the moment
over 200 plus specimens with Imaginary, and it would be naïve of us as a company to
assume that we can engage all these! And so, we want to engage you all yourself! Its
an open field out here, and if you can play the rules of the game – bitching, back
biting, work plagiarism, nitpicking, lobbying, playing god for fools – and all possible
variations/manifestations of all these, then, there is no dearth to which you can be
engaged – its indeed a whole new world of empowered employee engagement – we are
sure that it’s a one of its kind USP we have today in our industry.

17. Performance appraisal: Well, we have said so much about what kinda company we
are, and if you did not get a fair idea of how things cook here after reading this,
guess you are dumb. But no problem. Fortunately, that is the chunk that’s sits in our
offices. You have read point 10, and know what your boss had to go through all these
years to get to where he is now. And if performance appraisals are meant to make
you move up the letter, you very well know what to do. We will not go into the ‘how
to’ of it. You can either chose to learn that from your peers, and why not, even from
the boss, if he has the time to show you how. Any why not? You are so free to
innovate in the rules of our game. That is yeoman service to a whole lot of souls who
wonder how to stand our in the crowd, and get to where they want to be in
Imaginary.

18. Perks: Well, this is besides all the money you have, clearly mentioned in the offer
letter, which you have accepted. There is no limit to the kind of perks you enjoy
here, provided, you are smart enough to play the rules of the game at Imaginary.
Assuming you play by the rules, suck up, then it is flexi time at work, you come in and
go out as you wish, you can work from home, play from office, and also do both
between. This besides, the tangible perks could be an unbeatable 24 by 7 access to
the top management, power to bulldoze your boss’s and his boss’s opinions in things
which matter, and an audience for all the polluted nonsense you wish to say! No one,
repeat, no one at Imaginary will question you on anything, least of all performance if
 you have the ability to suck, play politics, muck up everyone to put you in the
limelight, and play dirty, real dirty.

This is version 2.0 of this document, which is proprietary to Imaginary, and authored by
the HR function. Circulation of this to unintended recipients is an organizational
offence, subject to where the person stands in our scheme of things. Not that alone, we
are so conscious of our image, and would not want anyone to imagine how the hell
Imaginary is where it is! That’s the secret all of us here are trying hard to decipher 
