Romance/Dating Info

Information for those who; have trouble finding a date, are having trouble with
their relationship, are just confused. Love is not a game...

Tips/Info
● The meaning and definition of "love"
● Excerpts from Dr. Ray Short's book answering many common questions
● Dr. Ray Short's 14 clues to distringush real love from infatuation
● Sexual Chemistry - Science takes a new look at the ancient game of love
● 10 questions to ask yourself to help you help you figure out if it's real love
or infatuation
● Chapters 1-4 from "The Complete Guide to Meeting Women"
● 4 main factors that determine compatibility
● Past relationships can make your new ones better
● Make girl friends to attract girlfriend
● Being single is better than being with wrong person

● Dining etiquite & tips for men

● Green Bay fine dining restraunt guide

● Troubleshooting common problems in relationships

● What to do if your girlfriend dumps you
● Common situations w/ practical answers

● How to Tell if a Single Woman is Interested in You

● Dating Tips For The Timid
● Tips/advice for shy people/nice guys
● Loads of ideas for fun dates in Spring, Fall, Summer or Winter

Links
● Adolescent Adulthood - Learn All About Flirting, Dating, & Dumping
● Teen Advice Online - Questions by teens, answered by counselors
● Excerpts from: Dating for Dummies By: Dr. Joy Browne

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If not, it
was never meant to be."
"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved.."
"If love isn't taught in the home, it's difficult to learn anywhere else.."
"Your mind can't change your heart, and you heart can't change your mind,
because your heart is full of love, and love is stronger than you think"
"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch
your heart... persue those."
"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will
never forget how you made them feel."
"It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone,
and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone that you
have loved"
 The meaning and definition of "love"

love (lîv) n.
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and
solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from
kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of
underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a
person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the
emotion of sex and romance.
3.a. Sexual passion. b. Sexual intercourse. c. A love affair.
4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or
treasured object.
5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or
attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6. An expression of one's affection.
7.a. A strong predilection or enthusiasm. b. The object of
such an enthusiasm.

-love v. loved, loving, loves.

-tr. 1. To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection
and solicitude toward (a person).
2. To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward
(a person).
3. To have an intense emotional attachment to.
4.a. To embrace or caress. b. To have sexual intercourse
with.
5. To like or desire enthusiastically.
6. Theology. To have charity for.
7. To thrive on; need. -intr. To experience deep affection or
intense desire for another.

The meaning of love is still being much confused. It may be even

worse that it used to be. Although most Americans want a marriage
based on love, society has failed to help us detect real love. That
failure has contributed to our high rates of divorce and loss in faith in
marriage.

Yet each time you get those stars in your eyes, you will need to
decide it it's real love. Unless you can do that, and do it better than
most people have in the past, you too will be stuck with those
frightful one - in - three odds.

The problem stems back beyond the media's false portrail of love, all
the way back to the Greek language translations. The problem is that
a number of Greek words, each of which had its own unique shades
of meaning, were at times translated into the English language
simply as "love." Let's take a brief look at each of the five Greeks
words for "love":

1. Sensual love. This is sexual desire. Greeks called it epithymia.

2. Yearning for unity. For the Greeks this meant a drive to unite with
something attractive. They called it eros. Our English word erotic
means passion and sex, but for the Greeks, eros had a much broader
meaning. It could even be used to describe love for God. C.S. Lewis
uses the word to mean "falling in love."

3. Brotherly love. This kind of love shared by good friends and

companions. It is a close feeling that develops when two persons
have many things in common. The Greek word for this is phillia.

4. Family affection. This is the kind of love shared by parents and

children. The Greeks called this storge.

5. Self-giving love. Greek Christians invented this concept and called

it agape. They associated this type of love with Jesus. It is the self-
giving devotion to others regardless of their merits. There are some
people you don't think are very loveable, but you can love them
anyway, simply because they are human beings.

Clearly, each one of these five words used by the Greeks has its own
distinct meaning. Each is quite different from all the rest. When all
these meanings get loaded into just one word, the result is hopeless
confusion. No wonder we have a hard time deciding when we've
found true love.

Real Love Includes All Five

A good marriage will likely need to have every one of these five types
of love - and have them in healthy helpings.

1. A strong sex interest. Hornell Hart used to tell his classes at Duke
that three things had to be true for the human race to survive. We
had to (a) get our breakfast, (b) avoid being someone else's
breakfast, and (c) have at last a passing interest in sex.

Well, for most of us, interest in sex is a trifle more than passing.
Couples normally do have strong erotic feelings for each other. A
good marriage includes mutual joy and satisfaction in sex.

2. Respect and admiration. Couples need to have strong mutual

attraction and hold each other in high regard.

3. Friendship and fellowship. Couples also need to be true comrades.

They need to have many things in common - the more the better..
They must like each other a lot, and be the best of friends.

4. Affection. And, of course, there must be tender feelings. Each

partner should provide the other with a haven of refuge from harsh
attacks in the outside world. We all need sympathy and empathy to
soothe our hurts. We need to be understood. Love can mean a
shoulder to cry one when our burdens are too heavy to bear alone.

5. Self-giving devotion. Finally, a good marriage has to have to good

deal of agape love. All of us have some unloveable traits. A spouse
must at times love not because of, but in spite of, the other person's
faults. You will have to love your mate even during those times when
you feel he or she does not deserve it. Like you, your spouse may
sometimes not be very loveable. Your mate may at times be cranky,
or lose their temper, or be depressed, or not want to talk to you.
That will take some agape love on your part.
How Old Is Old Enough?
● What's a good age to start dating?

● How old should a person be to go steady with someone?

● What about age differences in dating?

● Why are guys so immature?

● Why is it though that the guy should be older than the girl?

● What's the best age to marry?

● What is a good age for a person to start having sex?

Dating Not for Mating

● How can I attract someone of the opposite sex? How can I get someone to like me?

● How can I know if he (or she) really likes me?

● What is a good thing to say to a girl when you first meet her?

● If you think you like someone but aren't sure they like you in return, should you risk

asking them out?

● There is this guy that I really like. Be he only seems to care about me when he is not

around or near his friends. Why is this and what can be done about it?
● Is it OK to be friends first, and then go out with someone?

● Is it right to date others before marriage, even if the people dating don't intend to marry?

● When you like a girl a lot, and you find out she does not like you, should you try to make

her like you or go on with your life?

● Is it old-fashioned if you don't want to kiss on a first date?

● I spend quite a lot of bucks on girls when I take them out. I have a nice car and we go to

eat, or to a movie, or to bowl or whatever. I sometimes think girls go out with me just for
the things I buy for them. Could that be true?
● When a boy comes over, what do you do besides make out and watch TV?

● Do guys like it when a girl openly flirts with them?

● Is it all right for a girl to ask a guy to go out?

● What is the best way to handle money when on a date?

● Is everyone capable of loving?

● What about the saying, "opposites attract"?

● Why do guys use girls for sex objects?

● Why do guy always pressure you to have sex?

● How do you stop a guy from going too far?

● What does a guy think of a girl when she lets him do almost anything he wants to

because it doesn't bother her?

● Why do guys think that they can just take advantage of a girl and think that it doesn't

hurt her? I want every guy to think that over.

"Just You and Me, Sweetheart"

● You have said that each of us averages about nine or ten romantic experiences in our

lifetime. How many of these are false love?

● Why do girls fall in love more than guys?

● How can you assure your boyfriend that you love him and do not want anyone else?

● How do I get over the jealousy I feel when my girlfriend is with other people?

● What if your best friend doesn't like your girlfriend? He feels like you are not spending

enough time with him.

● If a guy says he loves you, dumps you, but comes back feeling he made a mistake, asks

for you back, do you feel it is probably love?

● We keep breaking up, and he keeps coming back to me. He has more infatuation for me

than love. I have more love than infatuation. Will our relationship work?
● Is it all right to go out with your brother's best friend?

● Is it wrong to have feelings for both your boyfriend and his brother?

● If, after going out for a year , your boyfriend cheats on you with a younger girl but you

will love him, is it love or infatuation?

● Is there an easy way to tell the person you're going with to get lost?

● What is a good way to let a friend know that sex should not be necessary for a lasting

relationship?
● What is the best way to talk to your boy/girl friend about where to draw the line?

● How long should you go together before you get married?

● What does it mean to "flunk the test of time"?

● Are long engagements a good thing?

● Do you think that a long courtship can get you in trouble sexually?

● What about the couple who say: "We're engaged and the wedding is only a couple

months from now. Why should we wait any longer for sex?"

How Can I Know When It's Love?

● Why do scientists such as yourself make love out to be so complex when in fact it should

be one of the simplest things in life - a natural human instinct?

● Should you rely more on logic or feeling when making a choice?

● I am very confused. One day I am just sure that my girlfriend is the one for me. The next

day I have doubts. How can I sort it all out and come up with the right answer? My folks
got a divorce and I sure don't want to go through that mess again.
● What is puppy love? Is a crush a kind of infatuation?

● Since I met this boy I just haven't been the same. I daydream about him all the time. I

can't study or do my work. I've even lost my appetite. My mom says I'm in love. Is she
right?
● How can I know when I've found the right person to marry?

● Do you think that people must always have something in common with each other to

make a good relationship?

● Is there such thing as love at first sight?

● My guy and I get along just fine, but our parents don't approve of our relationship. Does

that really matter?

● What are the odds of our breaking up when my boyfriend goes away to college?

● Can one person be in love and the other only infatuated?

● Can infatuation turn into love?

● Is it possible to be in love more than once?

● Can one just be in love with love?

● Is is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time?

● How do you get over an infatuation? And how do you get over a lost love?

● Can you fall out of true love?

What's a good age to start dating?

As a rule, I doubt if it's wise for a girl to date one-to-one before age 16, or a boy before 17.
Before that, young folks of similar ages can have loads of fun going for cokes or pizza in
mixed groups. Many won't even want to pair off at this stage, and that's probably all to the
good. No need to rush into dating. Enjoy being young. Wait to date.

For one thing, studies show that the younger you start to date, the more likely you are to
get serious and go steady. Those who go steady younger are in turn the more likely to get
involved more deeply in sex. They are also more likely to marry young. They may even
have to get married. Half of all teenage women who stand at the altar for marriage are
already pregnant. And forced marriages, as well as young marriages, are far more likely to
fail.

How old should a person be to go steady with someone?

For the above and other reasons it is probably not a good idea to go steady in high school
at all. Ask yourself: "Would I choose the same mate at age 25 that I would at age 17?" For
most of us the answer would be a hefty no! For instance, in high school I felt sure I was in
love. It never occurred to me that we would not get married. But thank heavens we did
not. It would of been an absolute disaster. I doubt it would of lasted more than six months
at most.

For one thing, if you home in on only one person too soon, how can you be sure you've
made the best choice? As your relationship grows you may well wonder: "Is this really for
me?" A good question. And how can you be sure if you haven't dated a good many others?
You probably can't.

No, high school age is a time to go with a number of others. This helps you sort out the
things you like and don't like in persons of the other sex. You lean from experience. You
learn what to look for and what to avoid. It's the wise way to go.

You may face two problems here. In some schools kids have the silly idea that if a couple
goes out together more than once they are going steady. He's her guy, and she's his girl.
So nobody else is supposed to intrude. That is sheer nonsense. If your school has any such
stupid system, get a bunch of kids together and put a stop to it. You can do it if you stick
together and hold the line.

Another silly, even dangerous idea around some schools should be stopped dead in its
tracks by the girls. Some people seem to think that if a girl dates around, going with first
one and then another boy, that she must be "loose" or "on the prowl." What hogwash. She
is just being smart.

The exact opposite is in fact true. The person who dates a variety of persons for only a few
times each is far less likely to get into deep water with sex than the couple that goes
steady. The longer the couple dates, the farther they're likely to go in sex.

So just because the girl has the good sense to seek variety in her dating does not mean
she is "hot for sex." Girls should band together and stop such foolish nonsense.

What about age differences in dating?

That depends on what age you are, and which way the difference is. A high school senior
girl who dates freshman boys will be in for a lot of flack and teasing. She will probably get
ribbed for "robbing the cradle" or worse. Yet people think nothing or a senior boy dating
freshman girls, even though the age spread is the same. That's because girls mature faster
by about two years in almost every way. That led one young woman to ask...

Why are guys so immature?

A lot of girls wonder about that. A girl is usually ahead of most boys her own age. He may
lag behind her in school performance. She may have developed more social skills. She
reaches puberty first. She may be interested in boys before he cares one whit about girls.

In truth, both are quite normal for their age. Young men like to think they catch up to the
girls later.

Still, the mid-teen or younger girl who dates a boy more than one or two years older may
be in for some problems. Older, more experienced boys may press her to go farther in sex
than she otherwise would or should. Since she feels flattered that an older boy is interested
"in little old me," she may be tempted to "give in" on order to hold his interest.

Scientists call this the "principle of the least interest." That is, the person who is less
interested in having the relationship go in is in the position to call the shots. The more
serious of the two will give in rather than risk a breakup. That could spell bad news.

It is even more of danger if the boy is five or ten years older than the girl. In the teens its
much better to stick with kids roughly your own age. That's why most parents will object if
there is much of an age gap.

However, it's less of a problem once both the man and the women are fully mature (Usually
that means at the age 20 or more.) Why? Because scientists have found that even
marriages with large age gaps of five, ten, or more years are just as likely to succeed as
marriages in general. The key seems to be maturity. Both need to be old enough and
"grown-up" enough to know just what they're doing and be willing to cope.

Why is it though that the guy should be older than the girl?

The average age for women to marry in the United States now is just about 24 years. Males
marry between 26 and 27. These ages are the highest since this century began. They
represent an increase of three years for both men and women since the year 1975.

A number of reasons explain this age difference. One is tradition. Years ago, when a wife's
role was confined to the home, it made sense. A girl could learn at a very young age how to
cook and keep house and change a baby. Therefore she was able to fill her role as a wife
early on. The young man, on the other hand, had to take time to learn a trade or a skill so
he could support a wife and children. That would likely take quite a few years. It was only
natural that a woman would be more apt to marry a man somewhat older than she.

To some extent, this is still true. In spite of gains made in women's rights, husbands are
still more likely to be the main money-maker. Since it is more and more difficult to make a
living without at least a high school, if not a college degree, that pushes back the time
young men plan to marry.

And there are other factors. Girls tend to develop about two years ahead of boys in almost
every way. That means that a girl's mind, body, spirit, emotions, and social life mature
sooner. In the early years men lag behind. That is why many young women feel more at
ease with young men a bit older than themselves. Their ages may be different, but they
may be more equal in maturity.

Also, more people are now living-in before marriage. That tends to postpone the age they
wed.

What's the best age to marry?

If you want to play the odds, the longer you wait, the better. Marriages in the late 20s fail
less often than those in the mid-20s. The mid-20s are better than the early 20s. And any
time in the 20s is better then the teens.

However, the rate of failure is not the only thing to think about. The safest age for a
woman to have babies, for instance, is in her 20s. As a rule, each year before 20 - and
especially under age 18 - or after 30 that she gets pregnant, the more problems she will
have. There will be more danger to her own health and more risk for her child. She will face
more risks of losing the baby and more hardships both carrying and giving birth to her
child. Her baby will be more likely to be born dead or deformed.

Other factors need to be weighed. When parents are too old, the "generation gap" in age
between them and their children is greater. After age 30, the chances that one will marry in
the next calendar year will grow less and less. Many of the best mate choices are already
wed.

All in all, a good balance may be best. A good bet seems to be that males might want to
marry in their mid- or late 20s, females in their early to mid-20s. By then both should be
able to assume all of the duties and privileges of marriage.

What is a good age for a person to start having sex?

The age when one can have sex and when one has the right to have it are two quite
different things.

Even a small preschool child is able to have sex. Boys are able to have an erection at a
very early age-long before they are able to have a male discharge (ejaculation).

I know of one sad case where a male in his teens had intercourse with a girl of five. In
another case two four-year-old children has sex as a form of play. (That is, they did until
they got caught. Then their folks stopped letting them play together at all.)

Just because we can have sex at such a tender age does not mean we have a right to do it.
The main question is not one of age, but of situation. Some girls area able to have a baby
at age 11. One case is reported of a girl in South America getting pregnant at age four. But
does that mean that these children should have sex and have a baby just because they
can?

Boys in turn can get a girl pregnant at age 12 - and maybe at 11 or even 10. Does not
mean that they are capable of being a good father and husband at that tender age?

Let's pause to mention some of the dire risks involved in getting into sex at an early age.
The younger the girl is when she starts having sex, the earlier she will get pregnant and
have a baby. And the earlier she will marry. And the more likely that her first sexual
encounter was not her choice. She was forced. Girls who had sex before age 14 are
especially at risk.

At what age then, does one have a right to have sex? Not until he or she is able to take full
responsibility for the results of that sex. In our society, that means not until you are
married. No couple has the right to have sex until they are old enough and grown-up
enough to support themselves and care for any children they might have. What does this
mean? Well, as of now there is absolutely no 100 percent way to avoid the risk of getting
pregnant or getting AIDS or other STDs. That means unless you are willing to become a
parent RIGHT NOW! THIS VERY MINUTE!, you have no right to enjoy the pleasures of
having sex. In fact, that means that it is not at all smart to engage in sex until you are
married.

How can I attract someone of the opposite sex? How can I get someone to like
me?

That may not be easy. If you happen to be one whose face and figure are very, very
attractive, it's not so rough. But most of us wouldn't win any beauty contests. It's too bad
that some people put so much stock in the outward looks of others, but they do.

Perhaps the prayer of Reinhold Niebuhr may be a good thing to keep in mind here:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change
the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Most of us can't do much about the face or figure we have been given. We can't so much
about the size of our body-short of plastic surgery- the shape of our nose or face. We can't
help it if we have an overbite or flat bosoms. We just have to accept what we cannot
change.

But there are many things we can change. We can go on a diet if we are too fat. We can
change our disposition and our attitudes. We can get into the habit of being "smiley"
instead of grumpy. We can try always to be pleasant and friendly. We can give others
sincere compliments and encouragement rather than criticisms and put-downs. No one
likes to be around a grump or gripe, or a snob or a snitch. We like people who are pleasant
and happy and nice, who have a sense of humor and who respect and like other people as
well as themselves.

These are things we can change. So instead of going around moping and moaning about
what we cannot change, why not home in on the things we can? Let a smile be your
trademark. Not a false, silly grin-everyone will soon get on to that-but an honest, open
caring, friendly smile. A genuine, pleasant smile when you meet another says to that
person: "I want to be friends. How about you?"

Be on the lookout for things you can like and admire about others. Watch for ways you can
pay them a sincere compliment. All of us like to be appreciated-and we like the people who
do the appreciating.

In brief, what I'm saying is simply this: if you want to attract persons of the opposite sex,
then try to become the kind of person that others-male or female-like to be around. We all
like persons we can trust, so always be honest. We all like persons we can talk to, so learn
to listen and try to understand others.

There's an old saying that goes, "pretty is as pretty does." A girl can be pretty to look at,
but still be a spoiled brat. But pretty (or handsome) or not, we can all become beautiful
people. Isn't that the more important thing?

How can I know if he (or she) really likes me?

That depends a lot on what age the person is. At about junior high age or younger, we tent
to treat the girl (or boy) we like in very strange ways. A boy may throw snowballs at the
girl he likes best. He may pull her hair or "show off" around her by chinning himself on the
monkey bars. Or he may race around faster than anyone else-when he thinks she's
watching. He may tease her a lot.

A girl may pretend she's just chatting with girl friends. But she may exaggerate her facial
expressions or her hand gestures-all the while casting shy, sly glances at a boy to see if
he's noticed her. Yet she may act like he's not alive when she meets him alone on the
street. That's because she may not know quite how to act. She may be too shy and
embarrassed even to be pleasant and friendly. Neither a boy nor a girl at this age wants to
appear too obvious or to let on that they like the other person. They play-act a lot. They try
to give hints that they are interested without really saying so.

By high school age, young men and women are feeling more secure and self-assured. They
gradually become less afraid to let the other person know how they feel. They are more
likely to admit openly-to themselves and to others-that they think the other is pretty nice.
They may stop and chat in the hall between classes. A boy may walk a girl home from
school. They may "happen" to meet at the lunch table or water fountain-not really by
chance, of course. They may flirt a lot. But they may still play games.

If a boy is shy or bashful, a girl may catch him looking her way when he thinks she isn't
looking. He may stare at her a lot in study hall or in class. Then he will pretend not to
notice her or mumble a greeting if they meet on the street.

As young people get older and more mature, they are less likely to play such games with
each other. They feel more free to show openly that they like the other person. If they'd
like to know someone better or go out, they will probably come right out and admit it. A
boy will ask a girl out, or she will find ways to let him know that she would be pleased if he
showed her more attention. As friendship grows, they may be able to tell each other just
how they feel.

Frankly, I'm a great believer in being honest and open in dating and courtship
relationships. Mature young people don't need to play cat-and-mouse games. If you like
someone, why keep that a secret? And by the same token, if you don't care for someone
who keeps showing interest in you, why put off telling the truth? If a girl doesn't like a
certain guy, she shouldn't keep him in the dark. Be frank and honest, but be kind. Don't sat
to your sister or roommate, "If Bill calls, tell him I'm not home!" or "Gosh! There is Suzie
down the hall. Let's go this way so she won't see me!"

What is a good thing to say to a girl when you first meet her?

Talk about something you share in common. If you have a class in school together, talk
about the tough test you just had. Or you might be a little sneaky and ask about the next
assignment - even though you know what it is already. If you are in the same church youth
group, talk about that. Anything to break the ice. Just be yourself and see how it goes.

If you think you like someone but aren't sure they like you in return, should you
risk asking them out?

Why not? The worst thing that can happen is for them to say no. Nothing ventured, nothing
gained. A girl may be wise to be a bit cautious in asking for that first date. Be sure he's
"liberated" and won't be turned off. Otherwise, go for it.

There is this guy that I really like. Be he only seems to care about me when he is
not around or near his friends. Why is this and what can be done about it?

Some guys, mainly younger ones, are weird that way. They're between a rock and a hard
place. On the one hand, he may like a girl and like to be around her when his friends can't
see him. But when they are in site, he knows they'll give him a hard time. They'll tease him
if he pays attention to her. As he gets older, he may not care. His friends are likely to like
girls too.

Of course, there's also a chance that he's ashamed to be seen with her. If that's the case,
she should probably dump him fast. He's not worth her time.

Is it OK to be friends first, and then go out with someone?

By all means. Relationships built on friendship are the best kind. I wouldn't even think of
getting serious about someone you could not be real friends with. The person you marry
should be a best friend.

Is it right to date others before marriage, even if the people dating don't intend to
marry?

By all means. How else can to get to know what you like and don't like about persons of the
other sex? That is likely the best chance you will ever have to date a wide variety of fine
young people found in every school. It's the best way to prepare for choosing a mate
wisely, once you do decide to settle down with one person for the long pull.

Further, it's quite OK to date someone just because they are fun to be with. You don't need
to have romantic feelings. Fun is fine - if it doesn't spoil something better.

When you like a girl a lot, and you find out she does not like you, should you try to
make her like you or go on with your life?

If you are very sure that she does not like you, you'd be wise to look elsewhere. To pursue
her to much right now will likely just drive her further away. If at some future time the
person changes her/his mind, you will have time to work something out. But as of now, get
on with your life and try not to let it bother you to much. Remember the old saying, "There
are bigger and better fish in the sea than have ever been caught out." Keep your hooks
baited! Just don't catch any suckers.

Is it old-fashioned if you don't want to kiss on a first date?

Not at all. You don't need to feel you have to kiss anyone at any time if you don't really
want to. For one thing, a kiss or any other expression of affection does not mean much
unless it is given freely. And then only when you really mean it. Also, if word gets around
that you kiss (or make out) on the first date, you'll get tagged as an easy mark. Your kisses
lose their value if you toss them around like chicken feed. And think of all those germs
you'll get!

A beloved old teacher at Willamette University used to talk to each new class of women.
"Advice to freshman girl," he would say with a kindly smile. "you have only one kiss to
give. Bestow it wisely"

Well said. Gestures of caring should mean something important, both to the one who gives
and the one who receives. Better to be sincere and honest, to live one's own life. Never
mind what others say. Never mind what the couple is doing in the back seat of the car.
They may do that in the back seat and not get AIDS or pregnant. You may do it in the front
seat and get both! Do what you think is right, no what others want or expect you to do.

Some girls think they owe a boy some favors in return for taking them on a date. That is
just not so. The pleasure of being with you is all a guy has a right to expect. If he expects
more and gets ticked off off he doesn't get it, that should be a tip-off. Ask yourself, "Does
this guy like me as a person and want to be with me for myself? Or does he go with me for
my body or for what favors or kicks he can get out of me?" If it's the latter, then he is
using you. That isn't flattering, is it? The only kiss you ought to give such a guy is the kiss-
off! Tell him to get lost. And good riddance.

I spend quite a lot of bucks on girls when I take them out. I have a nice car and
we go to eat, or to a movie, or to bowl or whatever. I sometimes think girls go out
with me just for the things I buy for them. Could that be true?

You bet it could. Some girls use boys to get what they want every bit as much as some
boys use girls for the sex thrills they might get. Boys have no corner on the art of taking
advantage of the other sex.

But that doesn't make it right, does it? Just ask yourself, "Do I like it when I feel that
someone is just using me?" Most of us don't like it. It makes us feel like a thing, not a
person. It is a real put-down. Do we have any right to do the same to others?

Philosopher Immanuel Kant said we should always act towards others in such a way that
we would be willing to have our act become a universal law. That is, we'd be willing to have
everyone else behave in the very same way. Does this sound strangely like the golden rule,
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Almost every major living religion
has come up with that same idea. There just may be something to it!

When a boy comes over, what do you do besides make out and watch TV?

Surely you can come up with more things to do than that. If you don't, you may be in deep
trouble. The "making out" can man anything from holding hands and a hug to going all the
way in sex. If all you do is make out every time you see each other, you may find yourself
slipping farther and father down "the road to arousal." And a little TV may go a long way.
Much of the programming on the TV is shallow, violent, or raunchy. It wears thing mighty
fast.

There are dozens of things a couple can do to enjoy an evening together. With a little
advance planning, you can come up with good ideas. What do you both like to talk about?
What games do you know, or could you learn to play? How about making popcorn or candy
or pizza instead of making out?

Why not involve others in your family - in discussions, games, etc.? Many parents and
siblings would be pleased to be included if you would just invite them, They also may have
a few suggestions of things you two might like to do. If you use your head for something
more than a hat rack, I'm sure you can come up with a good list. If not, either one of two
things is likely true. You two may have so little in common that your relationship will - and
should - wither and die. Or you're not using your imagination and that fertile brain of yours.

Do guys like it when a girl openly flirts with them?

That depends. If a boy likes a girl, he may be thrilled or even flattered if she flirts with him.
If not, it may embarrass him and turn him off. It depends on the guy and the occasion. He
may like a girl and secretly enjoy the flirting when he's alone, but not like it when he's with
other guys. They may tease him later. So he may pretend to them that he resents your
attention. He may even treat you rudely in order to "save face" with his friends.

So if you feel like flirting, be cautious at first. Watch carefully how the guy takes it. If you
sense a problem, back off. And be selective. Flirt only with those you really like. If you flirt
with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, none of them will feel special. And you might get a bad
reputation for your trouble.

Is it all right for a girl to ask a guy to go out?

Probably. It will depend on the guy and the situation. If it is an event where the women get
to do all the asking, like a Sadie Hawkins Dance, then it's OK. Just explain that to him. If
he turns you down, that's OK too. It will help you know how a guy feels when a girl turns
him down! But these days most young people aren't so fussy about what's been "correct" in
the past.

Here's an interesting fact. Women tend to use more good sense when they choose men
than men use in the choice of women. Studies show that men put much more weight on
shallow things like good looks and a nice figure. Women are more apt to stress more
important things. Is a man kind, considerate, and thoughtful? In this sense, then, women
may do a better job of picking out dates than men.

What is the best way to handle money when on a date?

Alas, tradition still rears its ugly head and often triumphs over logic. In the past, men have
always been the ones to ask and to pay. Many still feel that's the way it ought to be. A guy
who feels that way may be turned off, not on, by a woman who is bold enough to ask him
out. Some may even think she's on the loose side, "on the make" for sex.

Therefore a smart woman may wait until she knows a guy well enough to be quite sure
what his response will be. Otherwise, she takes some risks.

Some shy guy may be glad the girl broke the ice and made the first move. Other guys may
be scared off.

Age is also a factor here. Men who are college-age or older may be less likely to resent a
woman who takes the initiative. Younger, less secure men are more prone to be repelled.

If you want to get to know a certain male better but don't want to risk offending him, try
this: Don't ask him out alone, one-to-one, on a date. Pick a time when a group of you are
going for pizza or burgers and ask him if he'd like to come, too. Then the scene shifts from
you asking him to be with you to you inviting him to join the party. If her takes that in
stride, you can judge whether or not to take the next step.

There is one further point. A fully liberated woman may use this as a test to find out if a
man shares her views on equality of the sexes. It's like testing the water with your toe
before plunging in.

So let's suppose a couple has an understanding on this score. They agree there will be no
hard feelings if she asks for or pays for the date. Actually that makes some sense. Why
should they both stay home just because he's broke, if she has the money for dinner for
two or a movie? If there's concern about what others might think if she pays, she can just
slip him the money beforehand and let him do the honors.

Is everyone capable of loving?

Yes, all of us are. In rare cases persons may have such serious hangups that they seem
unable to release love in the ways that will make them good marriage mates. They may be
too selfish. They may be afraid of others. They may be full of hate and resentments.

But this type of plight is indeed rare. You are not likely to be in such a fix.

In any case, all of us can grow to love more and more. We can learn to look for ways we
can help others. We can train ourselves to care about the needs of other people as well as
out own. We can make it a habit to treat others as we would want to be treated if we were
in their place. An old Indian proverb suggests, "If you would know another, walk in his (or
her) moccasins for one week." Even one day would help.

It might help to play a game with yourself. Every time you see other people, try to figure
out what their needs are. Then think how you can help them meet their needs (without, of
course, going against your own morals or religious standards). It can be a fun game. And
useful.

If you truly feel you are not able to love, then see someone who is trained as a counselor.
Some of the clergy or some school counselors are so trained. At least they can point to
where you can get help.

What about the saying, "opposites attract"?

Opposites may attract, but are they likely to stay attracted? That innocent sweet young
farm gal from Podunk Prairie may feel flattered by the attentions of some cool, dashing,
self-assured city smoothie. But will her quiet rural feet feel at home when set down in the
buzz and bustle of the big city? Will he come to resent her sweet, simple, unspoiled lack of
urban skills in the presence of his city friends and family? Those who are quite different in
their life-styles, their hopes, their roots, and religions, their roles and goals do not often
make good mates for the long pull. When the newness wears off, they will find little in
common to hold their lives together.

In some cases, those who have opposite personal traits may be happy if they fill a need in
each other. A shy type may admire and need a mate who is outgoing. They get a kind of
mutual joy from the change of pace. Those who like to be bossy may get on well with those
who like being bossed. But watch out if the bossed ones ever decide they've had enough.
Then sparks will fly!

As a rule, though likes like likes longer than unlikes like unlikes. (Say that fast three
times!) The more things a couple share in common, the better will be their chances for
wedded bliss. Those who like the same things, go to the same church, enjoy the same
friends, like each others families, and agree on goals are far more likely to stay wed for
keeps. The more things you like about each other and like to do together, the better.

Why do guys use girls for sex objects?

Not all guys do. Some boys do see girls mainly as a way to satisfy their sex urges. That's
too bad.

But more and more it is not just guys who use girls. Boys now complain that some of the
girls are coming on to them for sex. That's really foolish, since the girl is the one who can
get pregnant. The girl is also more likely to catch an STD like AIDS than the boy. But
foolish or not, boys say it is happening.

And where are young women getting such an idea? From the TV and some movies. Have
you noticed? Now it's the girl who almost drags the guy into the bedroom and rapes him?
He's portrayed - and this is most unreal - as the reluctant one who finally submits to her
wiles. And it's the woman who is portrayed as having all the wild, ecstatic responses to that
sex. Girls who don't know any better may buy into that nonsense.

Some boys now worry that if a boy refuses her advances, he may be accused of not being a
real man. Actually, the guy's a hero, not a nerd. It takes real guts to turn down an
invitation to have sex, especially at his age.

Why do guy always pressure you to have sex?

Some guys do test the limit with every girl they go out with. They see it as a challenge.
They want to see just how far a girl will let them go. Each exploit is to them a victory. If he
gets her to go all the way he is beside himself with pride. It's kind of like the gunfighters of
the old West. Each man they killed, they'd put another notch on the handle of their six-
guns.

But let me warn you, girls. Guys like that will usually "kiss and tell." They may even kiss
and brag to the other envious guys. Then the girl gets the label as an easy mark. If so, all
the boys are drawn to her like a cub bear to a honey tree. Every other guy she goes with
will expect the same favors. It will be hard for her to regain he self-respect, if indeed she
ever can.

How do you stop a guy from going too far?

Before you even go out on your first date, decide just where your limit is going to be in the
road to arousal. Perhaps you will not even want to do any necking at first. When he tries to
go beyond your limit, tell him in no uncertain terms that he can go only that far and no
farther. Make it perfectly clear that "no" means "NO" - not maybe. Most boys will heed the
warning.

Always carry some change with you on a date in case you have to call home. And don't let
a guy take you out to a remote spot to park where the nearest phone is miles away, in case
you have to walk home. Of course, after you've gone with the guy long enough to know he
can be trusted, these precautions may not be needed.

If a guy continues to pester or try to abuse you, insist that he take you right home. Tell
him if he doesn't, you will report him to his folks or in extreme cases to the authorities. If
nothing else works, get out and phone home, or start to walk back. Better to have a little
hike than have a little tyke!

What does a guy think of a girl when she lets him do almost anything he wants to
because it doesn't bother her?

For one thing, she may get a reputation for having loose morals if or when the word gets
around. At least I'm glad she only lets him do ALMOST anything he wants to.

This girl may be tempting trouble. Sometimes she may go with a guy who gets so excited
that he refuses to stop at "almost." She may be a victim of date rape, a tragedy now being
reported more often.

On the other hand, she may be a victim of her own claim that it does not bother her. She
may someday date a male who is very experienced in matters of sex. If her gets his hand
on her vulva, she may loose control. If he knows what to touch and how to touch it he may
driver her up the wall.

I fear this girl is skating on very thin ice. And if she falls through, the water is icy cold. Ask
any girl who did.

Why do guys think that they can just take advantage of a girl and think that it
doesn't hurt her? I want every guy to think that over.

You said it beautifully. I hope that all guys who are guilty of that will listen up.

Of course, girls can be guilty of the same kind of mis-treatment of boys. In either case it is
hard to forgive such actions.

You have said that each of us averages about nine or ten romantic experiences in
our lifetime. How many of these are false love?

About eight or nine of these will likely be puppy loves or infatuations. No more than one or
two of them are likely to be real love.

Most persons who have found real love tend to think that all of their former romances were
mere infatuations. They are probably right, too. But just try to convince them of that while
the romance was going on! They'd likely have sworn up and down that they were really in
love.

A gentle word of warning is in order here. No matter how much teenagers are "just sure"
they are in love, they almost never are. Chances are extremely slim that adolescents have
real love. I know it is very hard for you to believe that fact, especially when you get those
starts in your eyes. But it is true.

Why do girls fall in love more than guys?

It is true that girls tend to take their relationships more seriously than most boys. Part of
that may be due to maternal instinct. (Males don't have much of that!) And again, it's
partly because women mature quicker. For whatever reason, girls are in fact more likely to
get serious. That means she has to be - even more than the boys - more careful not to fool
herself into thinking it is love and not a mere romance.

How can you assure your boyfriend that you love him and do not want anyone
else?

If he won't take your word for it, that means he does not really trust you to tell the truth.
Not a good sign. Be sure you do not do things to make him jealous. That will help.

Whatever you do, don't fall for the trap of "proving your love" by giving him sex. Real love
doesn't have to be proved. If you are being truthful with him and he still won't believe you,
that's his problem, not yours. But if he doesn't shape up soon, it will more and more be a
problem for you, too. In that case you may wish to consider backing away.

How do I get over the jealousy I feel when my girlfriend is with other people?

Jealously can mean many things. You may feel that you can't trust her. Or she may in fact
not be trustworthy. You may feel a lack of self-worth and that you don't deserve her. This
may lead to fear of losing her. You feel insecure and anxious. For whatever reason, jealous
feelings can make a person feel terrible.

You don't say how involved you are with each other. If a couple get very much into sex,
both will almost always get quite jealous. Why? Because you can't help but wonder: If he/
she will do that with me, would they do it with others if they had half a chance? A good
question. And too often it is true.

Studies show that those who go all the way with one person they date are far more likely to
do the same later with others. Or if they have gone a certain distance down the road to
arousal, they tend to move quite rapidly to that same level with their future partners. It's
no wonder that couples who get very much into sex will almost always be jealous and
suspicious.

What if your best friend doesn't like your girlfriend? He feels like you are not
spending enough time with him.

This happens a lot. You've been close to each other, and suddenly you have other calls on
your time. He feels neglected, and probably is. He is jealous of your girl. That's likely the
reason why he does not like her. There's not a lot you can do about that, unless you and
your girl break up. Other than that, your friend will just have to get used to the new
situation. He has to realize that's just the way the dating ball bounces.

If a guy says he loves you, dumps you, but comes back feeling he made a mistake,
asks for you back, do you feel it is probably love?

Most probably not love at all. I'd be really reluctant to take the guy back. He obviously
doesn't know what he wants at this point. If he dumped you once, he may well do it again.
But if you do go back to him, don't let him have sex. That may be what he hopes to get. It
is pretty clear to me that the guy does not know what love is. I think I'd look for greener
pastures.

We keep breaking up, and he keeps coming back to me. He has more infatuation
for me than love. I have more love than infatuation. Will our relationship work?

Don't count on it. A one-sided love - if indeed that's what you really have for him - will not
last. Love cannot be a one-way street. Love must be shared.

More than that, your many break-ups are a clue that your chances to make it together are
very poor. Marriage scientists know that if a couple break up and get back together more
than once, it's a red warning flag. Why? Because if that happens several times before the
wedding bells ring, you can just bet it will go right on doing so after the romance and sex
begin to fade.

Such couples can't stand to be apart, yet can't stand to stay together. They almost always
end up hurting each other over and over, then finally calling it quits Better to have hurt on
a rift now than more misery and a final bust later, don't you think?

Is it all right to go out with your brother's best friend?

Of course. If you and your brother get along well with each other, then the best friend he
has chosen will likely be a good bet for you. You'd have a lot of things in common.

But if you were to go out with the best friend of your boyfriend now that's quite a different
story. It would likely lead to a double bust: between you and your boyfriend, and between
him and his former best friend.

Is it wrong to have feelings for both your boyfriend and his brother?

It may be wrong, but it certainly is dangerous. One - if not both - of them may get plenty
jealous if you seem too fond of both at the same time. One result may be to cause
problems between you and your friend. But it may also drive a deep wedge between the
two boys and cause ill will in the family, as well as toward you.

As a young man I was very close friends with two sets of sisters. I was going with one of
the four, but all five of us often went places together. All went well until I tried to date
some of the others, too. That led to big trouble. All four got on my back fast.

If you want to stay healthy, better keep it one at a time.

If, after going out for a year, your boyfriend cheats on you with a younger girl but
you will love him, is it love or infatuation?

Probably neither. He obviously does not love you or he would not have betrayed you like
that. You may have strong emotional feelings for him, but that does not mean it is love.

Better run like a scared rabbit - away from this cad. If he cheated once, he'll probably do it
again. Studies show that if people cheat before marriage, they will do so after. You can get
along with that for sure.

And another thing. The person who cheats on a partner runs a high risk of bringing home
an STD and even AIDS. That's not just being unfaithful, it's being downright dangerous.
Surely you don't want that kind of risk.

Is there an easy way to tell the person you're going with to get lost?

I doubt there is an easy way to end a romance. But some seem better than others.

Just out of the blue to blurt out, "Bug off, Buster!" or "Get lost, Lucy!" hardly seems the
wise way to go. That's pretty crude and cruel, especially if it's done when others are around
to hear you.

Keep two things in mind. First, as soon as you feel sure you no longer want the relationship
to go on, say so. You owe it to the person and to yourself to tell the truth. That's only fair.
It's not easy, but you do the other no favor by pretending you still care when you don't.
The bitter pill will be just as hard to choke down tomorrow was it is today. Don't put it off.

But while you need to be fully frank, to be brutally blunt. No need to club them over the
head with the bad news. No hurt is more painful than a broken heart. A broken arm hurts
only in that arm. A broken heart hurts all over. So be kind. Be gentle. Try to put the truth
in ways that will ease the hurt. Don't do it anger or in spite. That's a put down. Do it
instead in a quite, matter-of-fact way that lets the person save face. If you can, try to keep
the person as a friend.

What is a good way to let a friend know that sex should not be necessary for a
lasting relationship?

Try giving them a few facts. Sex is important; it is not all important. No matter how good
their sex is, it will hold a couple together no more than three to five years - and probably
not that long. Also, the sex may blind them to the real nature of their relationship. It
muddies the water. It fools them into thinking they have more going for them than they
really have. And it tends to break couples up, since they often fight about it.

What is the best way to talk to your boy/girl friend about where to draw the line?

Why not pick a quite time together when you are not doing any physical expression of
affection? Then simply explain how you feel. Give them the main reasons why you want to
set a particular limit. Say that you hope he or she will respect your decision. Then hold your
ground. Don't budge unless you feel comfortable with some compromise you can agree on.
And bully for you!

How long should you go together before you get married?

The general rule is, the longer the better. Those who go together the longest, stay together
the longest when wed. And they are more happy, too.

Since the risks of a marriage failure are now so high, it seems the smart thing to do is to
take lots and lots of time. Take a long look before you leap. Err on the side of too much
time rather than too little-if you err at all.

Remember, couples who take a full year to get to know each other better are on much
sounder ground than those who wed after only six months. Two years of courtship and
engagement are even safer, and three are better yet. And so are four and five. The more
time you take to get to know the person well before you marry, the fewer surprises you'll
have after you marry. Pick a reasonable amount of time, of course. (These 25-year
engagements make no sense!)

Since marriage is now so risky, I think no couple should enter the high privilege of
marriage - and I do see it as a high privilege - unless they've had at least two full years of
courtship and engagement.

What does it mean to "flunk the test of time"?

The thrills of sex may hold a couple together for up to three to five years. So even if a
couple date two years before they marry, they could still flunk the test. The pull back to
each other for sex may fool them into thinking they have more in common than they do. To
be sure you have passed the test of time, you need at least two years without the thrills of
mutually satisfying sex. That's a bitter pill, but it needs to be swallowed if you want to
avoid a poor marriage or divorce.

Are long engagements a good thing?

Yes, if you want to play the odds. Longer engagements more often lead to lasting, happy
marriages.

The main thing here is to get to know the other person really well before you marry. The
total length of time you take is the key. Whether you take that time in courtship or in
engagement is not the most important thing. You can slice the pie of a total time in any
way you choose.

My own choice is a long courtship, but a short engagement. When a couple gets engaged,
they "go public." It is assumed that they have already found that their relationship is a
sound one. They just announce that they intend to go to the altar.

So no couple should get engaged until they feel quite sure it will be for the keeps. For one
thing, it may save them a lot of hassle. One out of every three engaged couples will break
up before they get married. If a breakup comes after going public with a picture and story
in the local press, you may feel pretty silly. It's even worse if the wedding announcments
have already hit the mail. That makes for a lot of red faces. Best to avoid such a mess if
you can.

Do you think that a long courtship can get you in trouble sexually?

It can. Studies show that engaged couples are much more likely to get involved with sex
after they're engaged. And they're more likely to go all the way. So if a couple wants to
wait for sex until after they're wed, it will be easier to do so during a short engagement. At
best, it is plenty tough enough these days for a couple to wait. No need to make it and
harder than need be.

Therefore a lengthy courtship and a brief engagement seems best. Of course you should
allow enough time so that the wedding plans can be made calmly and be carried out
without too much stress. You don't want to faint at the alter from sheer exhaustion.

What about the couple who say: "We're engaged and the wedding is only a couple
months from now. Why should we wait any longer for sex?"

If you have stuck it out all this time, why not "go all the way" - not in sex, but in
abstinence? This would be an achievement you two could really be proud of for years to
come. In spite of everything, you reached that cherished goal you had set for yourselves
those many months ago! What a great feeling that would be. And you could honestly tell
your children about it, as an example you hope they would follow.

Why do scientists such as yourself make love out to be so complex when in fact it
should be one of the simplest things in life - a natural human instinct?

It is just such false ideas that lead to so many divorces. It suggests that when the right
person for you comes along, you will "just know." Not so. You can't just trust your heart. If
there is any instinct involved, it is the deep desire to mate and breed. Lower animals do
that, too. Then often the male cuts out and leaves the female to cope with rearing the
cubs.

Most humans are more responsible than that - or at least we should be. We realize that
rearing children is a most complex matter. We need to give them training in hundreds of
ways if they are to grow up to be good citizens. Both fathers and mothers have a role to
play in the process.

"Mating" is far more than choosing a convenient sex-mate. It is the matching of two unique
persons in many, many aspects of their lives. You can't just pick a good mate by instinct.
We need all the help we can get to succeed - from science and anywhere else we can get it.

Should you rely more on logic or feeling when making a choice?

Both are important. All login and no feeling makes for a very dull marriage. But all feeling
and no logic leads to tragic mistakes and mismatching of mates. I like to quote the old
Greek wise men. They said, "Emotion must warm reason, but reason must rule emotion."
Best to have a good balance of the two.

Science and research can give us a lot of aid. It can help us avoid the awful pitfalls of the
past, and lead us to do a better job of mate choice in the future.

I am very confused. One day I am just sure that my girlfriend is the one for me.
The next day I have doubts. How can I sort it all out and come up with the right
answer? My folks got a divorce and I sure don't want to go through that mess
again.

If you have all these doubts, it's wise to wait.

You do want to avoid a mistake at the alter. As of now, the odds that one's first marriage
will succeed are no more than even. Some now put that at two out of three. One out of two
two first marriages now ends in divorce. Another three percent of married couples become
separated. And eight to ten percent tough it out but are not all happy. Unless you learn to
beat those odds, there's only a flip of the coin, heads-or-tails chance that your marriage
will work out. Those wedding bells are just likely to ring out sad, not glad tidings.

What you are asking is how you can tell if you have now found a love that will last. From
my own research I have found this to be the number one courtship question that youth and
young adults want answered. Even older people want to know how to tell if they have real
love.

What is puppy love? Is a crush a kind of infatuation?

Puppy love and a crush are the same thing. My term for it is Primary Infatuation. It
involves putting some person on a pedestal. You idealize them. At times, you might almost
worship them. It, for the most part, involves a younger person having such strong feelings
toward a much older one. Like a student for a teacher. Or like a teenager and a rock star.
In each case, the person is "out of reach" for the one who has the crush. To that extent, it
is likely a harmless passing thing.

We must contrast that with Romantic Infatuation, which is more likely to happen between
two persons of similar age. It is far more dangerous, since the couple are more inclined to
do something foolish about it, such as getting deeply into sex. Or marrying in haste in the
heat of emotion. They will usually regret it, but then it is too late.

A love relation is indeed very complex. Some people mistake romance-falsely called
"romantic love"-for real love. It's not love at all. To call it love is a fraud, a falsehood. It
only leads to confusion and delusion. That is why I call it "Romantic Infatuation" and not
Romantic Love.

Such a romance will hold a marriage intact no more than three to five years, even with a
red-hot sex life thrown in. In time, sex gets less and less exciting. It loses much of its
ability to keep beckoning the two back together via bed. Some of its former fervor fades.

Romance soon fades in a marriage. How many couples can you name who, after 10 years
of marriage, still have romantic dinners with soft music and candles every day? Or once a
week? Or even once a month? And there's not much romance in washing dishes, cleaning
floors, and taking out the garbage-even if a couple does them together.

No, a marriage based on romance just won't make it. Five years tops, and the tied knot will
come loose.

On the other hand, many people think that their strong sexual attraction for each other is a
sure sign of love. Not so. One can have strong sex attraction with or without romance, and
with or without love.

Since my students were so confused about true love, I spent some 30 years in search of
answers to the puzzle. The full results are set forth in my book, Sex, Love, or Infatuation:
How Can I Really Know? There I describe "Fourteen Key Clues" by which one can
distinguish true love from false love. It is probably the most complete summary of what
scientists know on this subject now in print.

These clues seem to be helping many people "sort it all out." I do think that if you apply
these 14 clues, honestly and with due care, you will come up with a pretty clear answer to
your question. It won't be possible in this book to fully explain all 14 clues. But let's now
review some of the clues which will, and those that will not, be useful signs of love.
Consider the following questions:

Since I met this boy I just haven't been the same. I daydream about him all the
time. I can't study or do my work. I've even lost my appetite. My mom says I'm in
love. Is she right?

You've described a "false clue." You may be in love, or just infatuated. I've devised 14 Key
clues to help tell the difference.

True love will have symptoms that are quite different - often opposite - from the symptoms
that describe infatuation. That is the case for each of the 14 clues. There will be clear
contrast.

The three "false clues," on the other hand, are tricky. They can be present in either true or
false love. If you have any of those symptoms, it can just as easily indicate one as the
other. You just can't trust them. Let's review these three false clues so you can be on your
guard against them.

(1) You will get funny feelings, especially when you're near to or thinking of the other
person. These strange feelings occur whether you have romantic infatuation or real love.
Your heart may flutter or pound. Your tummy may feel strange. Your knees may get weak.
You may clam up or find it hard to talk to that person. Or, as you say, you may daydream a
lot and not even want to eat. Don't be fooled. This does not mean it's love at all.

(2) A gnawing need for nearness is a second false sign. You long to be with each other all
the time. You can scarcely stand it when you have to be apart, even for just a little while.
You seem pulled together like a nail to a magnet. But don't send for Marryin' Sam. It may
only be sex or romance again. It may not be love at all. It's another false clue.

(3) Finally, be it love or infatuation, you are likely to have a powerful pull to passion. You
really turn each other on. That sex urge haunts you like a ghost. But don't be duped. The
fact that your breath comes in short pants each time you touch is not a true sign of love.
Sex attraction can be just as strong in a romantic infatuation as it is in the real thing. And
in some cases, it may be sex and nothing more that turns you on.

In sum, you can have one or more of these symptoms-even all of them-and still not be in
love. Don't be fooled. You need the other 14 clues to tell you whether it is real love. The
findings of science can help you make a sound decision.

While we are one the subject of showing affection, is it OK to do it in public? Have you
know couples that lean against each other very suggestively right out in front of God and
everybody? Or French kiss - I call it tongue-in-cheek kiss - and moan like a porcupine in
pain? Well, geta load of this! Psychologists have found a strong tie between people who
express a lot of affection in public and the low scores they make on emotional maturity
tests! So the next time you see a couple making a public display you can say to them: "I
know something about you!!" They may get the point and clean up their act.

And it makes sense. Mature people who really love and respect each other don't wear their
passion on their sleeves. Passion is something special to be done only in private, not
displayed in public.

How can I know when I've found the right person to marry?

You can tell a true love from a false one by asking yourself 14 key questions. You should
reply to each of them truthfully and with careful thought. If you can do that, in most cases
you will see pretty quickly whether or not it's love. Here are the questions:

CLUE 1. What is you main interest in the other person? What attracts you most?

CLUE 2. How many things about the person attract you?

CLUE 3. How did the romance start?

CLUE 4. How consistent is your level of interest?

CLUE 5. What effect does the romance have on your personality?

CLUE 6. How did it end?

CLUE 7. How do you two view each other?

CLUE 8. How do others view you two? What's the attitude of friends and families?

CLUE 9. What does distance (long separation) do to the relationship?

CLUE 10. How do quarrels affect the romance?

CLUE 11. How do you feel about and refer to your relationship?

CLUE 12. What's your ego response to the other?

CLUE 13. What's your overall attitude toward the other?

CLUE 14. What is the effect of jealousy?

Now we will look more closely at a few of the clues just to show you how they work.

CLUE 1. What is the main thing that attracts me to him or her? If it's that persons physical
equipment, then it points to infatuation. You mainly like the face or figure, the smile, they
way her or she walks to talks.

In real love, the physical things are not the main concern. It's not the mask of the face, but
what's behind that mask that counts. The shape of the body is far less important to you
than what's housed in the body. You like the person's mind, emotions, attitudes, and goals.
In short, your main attraction is to the total personality, not just one part of it. It's the kind
of person you respect, care a lot about, and like to be around. As young people put it these
days, he or she is a beautiful person. So his ears are too big. They stick out like a scared
baby elephant. Or she's as flat-chested as your Uncle Charlie. So what? You main interest
should not be looks.

Men tend to trip up on this score more than women. When I was a young man, our high
school held a "for men only" assembly. We were all ears, thinking we would here something
really juicy. We didn't. But one thing they guy said stuck with me all these years. "Fellows,"
he said, "don't make the mistake that a lot of guys do. A lot of guys pass up a beautiful
women to marry a pretty girl." Said to say, a lot of men are still doing just that.

Do you think that people must always have something in common with each other
to make a good relationship?

Yes, by all means. And the more the better. That leads us neatly into..

CLUE 2: How many things attract you to that person? If it's infatuation the answer will be
few things. This clue may sound simpler than it is. False or romantic "love" (infatuation)
can trip you up. Why? Because those few things you do like about the person may be felt
very strongly. That may fool you into thinking you have more things in common than you
really do. Be on your guard. Count with caution.

If it's real love, any or most of the things about the person will attract you. What about the
way he or she thinks? Reactions to failure and success? Attitudes toward people? How
about goals in life? Plans for the future? Like and dislikes? The more of these hundreds of
things about the person's whole self that you like and admire and respect, the greater the
chance that your love is real. And by the way, have you ever had doubts that you are
important? If so, just think about this.

Of the billions of people on this earth, you are unique. There has never ever been one other
person just like you! You are one of a kind, hence of very special worth. What a wonderful
thought that is! So don't ever let anyone try to tell you that you're not important. You are
uniquely important.

If you take that to heart, it will put real meaning and purpose in your life. When God make
you, God threw the mold away. There won't be many suicides if people take that seriously.

Is there such thing as love at first sight?

Romantic infatuation at first site, yes. Love? No way.

CLUE 3: How did the romance start? Romance and sex attraction can strike like a bolt out
of the blue. And it can disappear just as fast. You know the old story. Rogers and
Hammerstein put it into words and music in South Pacific: "Some enchanted evening"...
two eyes meet across a crowded room - and they know. That's pure poppycock. THEY
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. At least not about love.

Real love can only start slowly. Each person is very complex, with many different traits and
qualities. Some of these are obvious but many are not. So you can't possibly know enough
about someone in a few moments, a few days, or even a few weeks to be sure you want to
spend the rest of your life together. That decision takes time - lots of time - two years or
more.

CLUE 6: How did your relationship end? Answer: the same way it started. False loves stop
fast and true loves stop slowly. This is true in two different ways. First, if you break up, you
are most likely to get over an infatuation in a short while. Only a few surface things
attracted you, so there's not all at much to get over. But with love, many things attracted
you. Your personalities came to be intertwined in a lot of ways. It may take years to get
over such a deep relationship. Indeed, in some ways you many never be the same again.

A second thing to watch for is how long the relationship lasts while it is going on. In most
cases, false loves don't last long. There aren't many things the couples have in common.
There isn't much that they like to talk about do together. Therefore, they lose interest quite
quickly. By and large, infatuations won't last more than a few weeks or months. There is
one exception. I'll explain hat in a moment.

Real loves last many months and years, often for one's whole life. Whole blocks of the two
personalities are in harmony. Each has become a very real part of the other. So if a
relationship has lasted a long time, that is usually a good sign of love. And again, the
longer you have a good relationship before marriage, the better the chance your marriage
will be for keeps. This is called passing the "test of time."

There is just one catch, though. You can flunk that all-important test of time. How? By
getting involved deeply in sex too soon. If in courtship you get into a sexual relation that is
fully satisfying to both of you, the test of time just won't work for you. You have cheated on
the test.

You see, the sex urge is very deep and urgent in each of us. A couple with a good sexual
relation but with very little else may well be held together for as much as three years to
five years. It is satisfying sex, not the more solid cement of a good overall relationship,
that keeps you coming back to each other. So you can be fooled. You may think that since
your relationship has lasted a couple of years, it has passed the test of time. It hasn't. It
may have been little more than sex that kept you together.

This is perhaps the strongest reason of all why it is unwise for a couple to go all the way
with sex before they marry. That sex can lead them into a tragic marriage, likely to fail in a
year or two. A couple thus robs themselves of the very best natural protection they have
against getting into a bad marriage.

My guy and I get along just fine, but our parents don't approve of our
relationship. Does that really matter?

It matters a lot. In fact, that is one of the Key Clues to tell you if it's love.

CLUE 8: What's the attitude of friends and family? Research reported as recently as 1992
affirms that parents still have a strong role in in influencing romantic relations in the United
States today. Negative reactions by friends and families to a couple tend to deteriorate the
relationship. In turn, good support leads to a higher quality of it.

Perceived support from one's own family and friends has a large influence on the
satisfaction, love, and commitment of the person.

And doesn't that make sense? After all, who loves and cares more about you and your
future than your close friends and family? If they see you getting into a situation that they
think will bring you heartache and tragedy, of course they will turn thumbs down. But if
they think it will lead to happy times for you down the line, they'll be all for it.

It's best to bend your ears to what your loved ones think. They have and advantage. They
don't have stars in their eyes.

What are the odds of our breaking up when my boyfriend goes away to college?

The answer suggests another Key clue.

CLUE 9: What does distance (long separation) do to the relationship? If you have real love
for your friend - many things you like and admire and respect - you have nothing to worry
about. That person actually will have become a part of your very being. When he or she is
not there, you are not all there. A part of you is away. So you both will long to be united
again with that other part of yourselves You won't like to be apart, but your love is likely to
survive.

But if your relation was surface - physical attraction to what you see, hear, smell, taste, or
touch about the other - it likely will die. Out of site, out of mind. Other physical equipment
that is more available at the moment will lead you to forget your former flame. It was
probably tough to take at the time, but such a breakup is a good thing in the long run.

The next two clues go together. They are similar, but for the sake of clarity and the greater
emphasis they deserve, we will treat them as if they were separate.

CLUE 12: Are you selfish or selfless with regard to the other person? This is an acid test.
And it is a rough one. It's hard to be honest enough to admit that we are selfish, so we
tend to deny it.

But honest we must be if we are to learn the truth. If you are infatuated, your ego
response is largely selfish and possessive. Your big question about the relationship is:
"What am I going to get out of this?" You're looking out for number one. You are self-
serving. You may even use the other person for your own gain. She dates him because he
has a good set of wheels. He dates her to get sex thrills or peer praise. Each has an ego big
enough to choke a mule. And that chokes off love as well.

When you really love another, you want all the same good things for that person that you
want for yourself. Your ego response is largely selfless. Your own pleasure and happiness
are in great part tied in with that of your beloved. To paraphrase the late President John F.
Kennedy, you "ask not what your beloved can do for you, but what you can do for your
beloved."

CLUE 13: What is your overall attitude? This clue is similar to the previous one. For the
infatuated person, the basic attitude is one of taking from the relationship. Your interest is
measured in terms of gain and loss. You take all you can get. You give little thought to
what harm it may do to the other. You may not admit it, even to yourself, but it's true. You
like the person not for what she or he is, but for what that person can do for you.

To love, on the other hand, is to really care about the other. Your overall attitude is that of
giving, not taking. You will look for ways you can make the other happy and fulfilled. You
don't just give the other good treatment and gifts in order to get something back. You give
whether or not you get in return. It gives you joy just to see your beloved's joy. If you
really love, your giving is its own reward.

There's a warning here for girls. We scientists have long know that young women at this
age take their relationships more seriously than do men. If a girl goes with a guy very long,
she likely thinks a lot of him. She may even think she loves him.

So if some night in a lonely spot he whispers in her shell-pink ear: "Honey, if you love me
you'll let me," you might be tempted to give him sex. After all, you love him and it's quite
obvious what he has in mind.

But before you get sucked in by that old line, girls, ask yourself a few questions. Who will
get the blame if someone find out? Who will risk getting pregnant? Who runs the greatest
risk of getting STDs or AIDS? Clearly you are the one who will get hurt the most.

So may I suggest, girls, if he whispers: "If you love me you'll let me," why not whisper
back: "Honey, if you really love me. If you really care about me and my future, you won't
ask me to." And you know what? He won't, either. If he really loves you, he will not want to
expose you to all those risks. Not if he really loves you.

A Sum-up Clue: Each of these 14 Key Clues is important. Each will tell you something
special about your relationship that you really need to know. But no one or two, or even
four or five, taken by themselves out of the list, is enough to give you the accurate answer
you need. So answer each of the questions as honestly and sensibly as you can.

But if I had to come up with just one clue as a test of true love, it would be this one. It cuts
to the core. No one clue by itself is enough, but this one comes close:

If you love someone so much that you want that person to be happy, even if you are not
the one to make him or her happy, then you really love that person. That is, if you love
someone so much that you want that person to be happy, even if you can't be the one who
shares that happiness, then your love is indeed real.

There you have it. Your wish to do what is best for your beloved is even more important to
you than that gnawing need to be the one to share that love with him or her. That test will
quickly separate those who have real love from those who do not.

Sorting out love is a tough process. If it's a problem for you, be sure to consult a more
complete discussion of it in Sex, Love, or Infatuation. There you will find the symptoms for
love and infatuation listed in a check-chart.

How can you use the clues? A fairly valid measure of your relationship can be obtained just
by counting up your answers. Which of them fall into the infatuation column, and which
belong in the love column?

But not all of your answers will in every case be either/or. Instead some may be both/and.
For example, there are degrees of jealousy. Some relationships start very fast, some only
fairly fast. So we have devised an easy way to score your relationship more accurately.
Simply score your-self on each of the clues (except one, "How does it stop?") on a scale of
zero to ten:

Your score What it means Suggested Action

0-50 Infatuation Cool it; make no promises, no commitments
50-90 Toss-up Some hope; shows promise, but give it more time
90-130 Real love Consider marriage - with due care.

How best to use this chart to access your own situation is fully explained in the 1990
edition of Sex, Love, or Infatuation: How Can I Really Know?

Can one person be in love and the other only infatuated?

Yes, and it happens a lot. But unless the infatuated person develops love, it won't work.
Watch closely, to see if that is in fact happening as determined by using the Key Clues.

Can infatuation turn into love?

Yes. Give it time and keep checking the clues to see what direction it seems to be going.

Is it possible to be in love more than once?

Of course. If that were not true, a lot of people would have to spend most of their life
alone. No two loves are exactly alike, but you really can love several times in your lifetime.

Can one just be in love with love?

Oh yes. You can just feel the the need for romance. But that is not really love in the sense
I'm talking about. Best to cool it.

Is is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time?

It is quite possible and happens quite often, according to the research. You can also be
infatuated with two people at the same time. And you can be in love with one and
infatuated with another at the same time. You can really mix it up - and be really mixed up
in the process.

How do you get over an infatuation? And how do you get over a lost love?

The answer to both questions is the same. In time, you heart will heal. I know; that is very
hard to accept while the hurt is so deep. But believe me it is true.

It will take much longer to recover if it was love. In some ways you may never quite bury
the hurt. But in time, it will grow less and less. You can just count on that.

The main thing to remember is not to do something foolish like thinking about seclusion or
even suicide. That would not be wise at all. Just turn you attention to other things. Remove
all reminders of that person. Take that picture out of your blindfold. Maybe burn it. Then
bury yourself in other interests - your studies, your other friends, your family, your
hobbies. Soon you will begin to feel better, and in time you will wonder why it gave you
such a bad time to lose the relationship.

Can you fall out of true love?

That can happen. No matter how careful you are to pick the right mate, marriage does
involve some rick. The person you are now married to may not be the same kind of person
you married. For instance, you may have married a moderate drinker. Now you are living
with an alcoholic. Or a physical abuser. Or a compulsive gambler. Or a drug addict. Or one
who cheats on you. You may not be able to love that changed person in the same way you
did before.

Some may still love in spite of the changes. For others, these new behaviors may kill the
love they once had for their mate.

But for many - we hope most - of us marrieds, we are glad for the choice we made.

If you use them with caution, these 14 Key Clues will serve you well. In most cases the
type of relationship you have will become quite clear.
 14 Key Clues To Distinguish Infatuation And Love

Clues Characteristics
If It's Romantic
Questions to Ask If It's Love
Infatuation
The nature of the
attraction
Person's "physical
1. What is your main The total personality;
equipment"; the body;
interest? What attracts whole person; what's in
what responds to the five
you most? the body
senses.
2. How many things Few-though some may be
Many or most.
attract you? very strong.
The course of the romance
3. How did the romance
Fast (hours or days). Slowly (months or years).
start?
Interest varies, comes and
Evens out; gets to be
4. How consistent is your goes; many peaks and
dependable, consistent;
level of interest? valleys; not consistent or
can predict it.
predictable.
Disorganizing,
5. What effect does the
destructive, you act Organizing, constructive,
romance have on your
strangely, are not you're a better person.
personality?
"yourself."
Slowly; takes long time;
Fast-unless there's been
6. How does it end? you may never be quite
mutually satisfying sex.
the same.
Two views of you two
You add the new
You live in a one-person
relationship to former
7. How do you view each world. You see the other
ones. You are more
other? as faultless, idealizing
realistic, admitting other's
him or her.
faults, but loving anyway.
8. How do others view
Most or all approve. You
you two? What's the Few or none approve of
get along well with other's
attitude of friends and the relationship.
friends and parents.
parents?
Dealing with double
trouble
9. What does distance
Withers away; dies; can't
(long separation)do to the Survives; may even grow.
stand this added stress.
relationship?
They get more frequent,
10. How do quarrels They grow less frequent,
more severe, and will kill
affect the romance? less severe.
the relationship.
The inner world of love
11. How do you feel Much use of I/me/my; he/ Speak of we/us/our; feel
about and refer to your him/his; she/her/hers; and think as a unit, a pair;
relationship? little feeling of oneness. togetherness.
Mainly selfish, restrictive;
Mainly unselfish,
12. What's your ego
"What does this do for releasing, concerned
response to the other?
me?" equally for other.
Attitude of giving,
13. What's your overall Attitude of taking, exploit
sharing, want to serve
attitude toward the other? and use the other.
other's needs, wants.
14. What is the effect of More frequent, more
Less frequent, less severe.
jealousy? severe.

TOTAL PATTERN OF Kid stuff; romantic

The real thing; true love.
THE CLUES infatuation
Summary clue: In real love you love the person so much that you want them to be
happy-even if you may not be allowed to share their happiness.
 The Mating Game

The sophisticated sexual strategies of modern man and women are shaped by a
powerful Stone Age psychology. By: William F. Allman

It's a dance as old as the human race. At cocktail lounges and church socials, during office coffee
breaks and dinner parties - and most blatantly perhaps, in the personal ads in the newspapers and
magazines - men and women perform the elaborate ritual of advertisement and assessment that
precedes and essential part of nearly every life: mating. More than 90 percent of the world's people
marry at some point in their lives, and it is estimated that a similarly large number of people engage
in affairs, liaisons, flings or one-night stands. The who, what, when and where of love, sex and
romance are a cultural obsession that is reflected in everything from Shakespeare to soap operas and
from Tristram and Isolde to 2 Live Crew, fueling archetypes like the coy ingenue, the rakish cad, the
trophy bride, Mrs. Robinson, Casanova and lovers both star-crossed and blessed.

It all may seem very modern, but a new group of researchers argues that love, American style, is in
fact part of a universal human behavior with roots stretching back to the dawn of humankind. These
scientists contend that, in stark contrast to the old image of brute cavemen dragging their mates by the
hair to the dens, or ancient ancestors - men and women alike - engaged in a sophisticated mating
dance of sexual intrigue, shrewd strategizing and savvy negotiating that has left its stamp on human
psychology. People may live in a thoroughly modern world, these researchers say, but within the
human skull is a Stone Age mind that was shaped by the mating concerns of our ancient ancestors and
continues to have a profound influence on behavior today. Indeed, this ancient psychology legacy
influences everything from sexual attraction to infidelity and jealousy - and, as remarkable new
research reveals, even extends its reach all the way down to the microscopic level of egg and sperm.

These new researchers call themselves evolutionary psychologists. In a host of recent scientific
papers and at a major conference last month at the London School of Economics, they are arguing
that the key to understanding modern sexual behavior lies not solely in culture, as some
anthropologists contend, nor purely in the genes, as some sociobiologists believe. Rather, they argue,
understanding human nature is possible only if scientists begin to understand the evolution of the
human mind. Just as humans have evolved specialized biological organs to deal with the intricacies of
sex, they say, the mind, too, has evolved customized mental mechanisms for coping with this most
fundamental aspect of human existence.

Gender and Mind

When it comes to sexuality and mating, evolutionary psychologists say, men and women often are as
different psychologically as they are physically. Scientists have long known that people typically
choose mates who closely resemble themselves in terms of weight, height, intelligence and even
earlobe length. But a survey of more than 10,000 people in 37 cultures in six continents, conducted by
University of Michigan psychologist David Bruss, reveals that men consistently value physical
attractiveness and youth in a mate more than women do; women, equally as consistently, are more
concerned than men with a prospective mate's ambition, status and resources. If such preferences
where merely arbitrary products of culture, says Bruss, one might expect to find at least one society
somewhere when men's are women's mating preferences were reversed; the fact that attitudes are
uniform across cultures suggests they are a fundamental pert of human psychology.

Evolutionary psychologists think many of these mating preferences evolved in response to the
different biological challenges faced by men and women in producing children - the definition of
success in evolutionary terms. In a seminal paper, evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers of the
University of California at Santa Cruz points out that in most mammals, females invest far more time
and energy in reproduction and child rearing than do males. Not only must females go though a long
gestation and weaning of their offspring, but childbirth itself is relatively dangerous. Males, on the
other hand, potentially can get away with a very small biological investment in a child.

Human infants require the greatest amount of care and nurturing of any animal on Earth, and so over
the eons women have evolved a psychology that is particularly concerns with a father's ability to help
out with this enormous task - with his clout, protection and access to resources. So powerful is this
psychological legacy that nowadays women size up a man's finances even when, as a practical matter,
they may not have to. A recent study of the mating preferences of a group of medical students, for
instance, found that these women, though anticipating financial success, were nevertheless most
interested in men whose earning capacity was equal or greater than their own.

Healthy Genes
For men, on the other hand, reproductive success is ultimately dependent on the fertility of their
mates. Thus males have evolved a mind-set that homes in on signs of a woman's health and youth,
signs that, in absence of medical records and birth certificates long ago, were primarily visual.
Modern man's sense of feminine beauty - clear skin, bright eyes and youthful appearance - is, in
effect, the legacy of eons spent diagnosing the health and fertility of potential mates.

This concern with women's reproductive health also helps explain why men value curvaceous figures.
An upcoming paper by Devendra Singh of the University of Texas at Austin reveals that people
consistently judge a woman's figure not by whether she is slim or fat but by the ratio waist to hips.
The ideal proportion - the hips roughly a third larger than the waist - reflects a hormonal balance that
results in woman's preferentially storing fat on their hips as opposed to their waists, a condition that
correlates with higher fertility and resistance to disease. Western society's modern-day obsession with
being slim has not changed this equation. Singh found, for instance, that while the winning Miss
America has become 30 percent thinner over the past several decades, her waist-to-hip ratio has
remained close to this ancient ideal.

Women also appreciate a fair face and figure, of course. And what they look for in a male's physique
can also be explained as an evolved mentality that links good looks with good genes. A number of
studies have shown that both men and women rate as most attractive faces that are near the average;
that is true in societies as diverse as those of Brazil, Russia and several hunting and gathering tribes.
The average face tends to be more symmetrical, and, according to psychologist Steven Gangestad and
biologist Randy Thornhill, both of the University of Mexico, this symmetry may reflect a person's
genetic resistance to disease.

People have two versions of each of their genes - one from each parent - within every cell. Sometimes
the copies are slightly different, though typically each version works just as effectively. The
advantage to having two slightly different copies of the same gene, the researchers argue, is that it is
harder for a disease to knock out the function of both copies, and this biological redundancy is
reflected in the symmetry in people's bodies, including their faces. Further evidence for a
psychological mechanism that links attractiveness with health comes from Bruss's worldwide study of
mating preferences: In those parts of the world where the incidence of parasites and infectious disease
is highest, both men and women place a greater value on attractive mates.

Some feminists reject the notion that women should alter physical appearance to gain advantage in
the mating game. But archaeological finds suggest that the "beauty myth" has been very much a part
of the human mating psychology since the times of our ancient ancestors - and that it applies equally
to men. Some of the very first signs of human artistry are carved body ornaments that date back more
than 30,000 years, and findings of worn nubs or ochre suggest that ancient humans may have used the
red and black chalklike substance as makeup. These artifacts probably served as social signs that, like
lipstick or a Rolex watch today, advertised a person's physical appearance and status. In one grave
dating back some 20,000 years, a male skeleton was found bedecked with a tunic made from
thousands of tiny ivory beads - the Stone Age equivalent of an Armani suit.

Far from being immutable, biological mandates, these evolved mating mechanisms in the mind are
flexible, culturally influenced aspects of human psychology that are similar to people's tastes for
certain kinds of food. The human sweet tooth is a legacy from a time when the only thing sweet
things in the environment were nutritious ripe fruit and honey, says Buss, whose book "The Evolution
of Desire" is due next year. Today, this ancient taste for sweets is susceptible to modern-day
temptation by candy bars and such, though people have the free will to refrain from indulging it.
Likewise the mind's mating mechanisms can be strongly swayed by cultural influences such as
religious and moral beliefs.

Playing the Field

Both men and women display different mating psychologies when they are just playing around as
opposed to searching for a lifelong partner, and these mental mechanisms are also a legacy from
ancient times. A new survey by Buss and his colleague David Schmitt found that when women are
looking for "short term" mates, their preference for attractive men increases substantially. In a study
released last month, Doug Kenrick and Gary Groth of Arizona State University fond that while men,
too, desire attractive mates when they're playing the field, they will actually settle for a lot less.

Men's diminished concern about beauty in short-term mates reflects the fact that throughout human
evolution, men have often pursued a dual mating strategy. The most successful strategy for most men
was to find a healthy, fertile, long-term mate. Bit it also didn't hurt to take advantage of any low-risk
opportunity to sire as many kin as possible outside the relationship, just to hedge the evolutionary bet.
The result is an evolved psychology that allows a man to be sexually excited by a wide variety of
women even while committed to a partner. This predilection shows up in studies of men's and
women's sexual fantasies today. A study by Don Symons of the University of California at Santa
Barbara and Bruce Ellis of the University of Michigan found that while both men and women actively
engage in sexual fantasy, men typically have more fantasies about anonymous partners.

Surveys in the United States show that at least 30 percent of married women have extramarital affairs,
suggesting that, like men, women also harbor a drive for short-term mating. But they have different
evolutionary reasons for doing so. Throughout human existence, short-term flings have offered
women an opportunity to exchange sex for resources. In Buss and Schmitt's study, women value an
"extravagant lifestyle" three times more highly when they are searching for a brief affair than when
they are seeking a long-term mate. Women who are secure in a relationship with a committed male
might still seek out attractive men to secure healthier genes for their offspring. Outside affairs also
allow women to shop for better partners.

Sperm Warfare
A women may engage the sexual interest of several men simultaneously in order to foster a
microscopic battle known as sperm competition. Sperm can survive in a woman's reproductive tract
for nearly a week, note biologists Robin Baker and Mark Bellis of the University of Manchester, and
by mating with more than one man within a short period of time, a woman sets the stage for their
sperm to compete to sire a child - passing this winning trait on to her male offspring as well. In a
confidential survey tracking the sexual behavior and menstrual cycles of more than 2,000 women
who said they had steady mates, Baker and Bellis found that while there was no pattern to when the
women had sex with their steady partners, having sex on the side peaked at the height of the women's
monthly fertility cycles.

Since in ancient times a man paid a dear evolutionary price for being cuckolded, the male psychology
produces a physiological counterstrategy for dealing with a woman's infidelity. Studying the sexual
behavior of a group of couples, Baker and Bellis found that the more time a couple spend apart, the
more sperm the man ejaculates upon their sexual reunion - as much as three times higher than
average.

This increase is sperm count is unrelated to when the man last ejaculated though nocturnal emission
or masturbation, and Baker and Bellis argue that it is a result of a man's evolved psychological
mechanism that bolsters his chances in sperm competition in the event that his mate has been
unfaithful during their separation. As was no doubt the case in the times of our ancient ancestors,
these concerns are not unfounded: Studies of blood typings show that as many as 1 of every 10 babies
born to couples in North America is not the offspring of the mother's husband.

Despite men's efforts at sexual subterfuge, women still have the last word on the fate of a man's
sperm in her reproductive tract - thanks to the physiological effect of the female orgasm. In a new
study, Baker and Bellis reveal that if a woman experiences an orgasm soon after her mate's, the
amount of sperm retained in her reproductive tract is far higher than if she has an earlier orgasm or
none at all. Apparently a woman's arousal, fueled by her feelings as well as her mate's solicitous
attentions, results in an evolutionary payoff for both.

Cads and Dads

Whether people pursue committed relationships or one-night stands depends on their perceptions of
what kind of mates are in the surrounding sexual environment. Anthropologist Elizabeth Cashdan of
the University of Utah surveyed hundreds of men and women on whether they thought the members
of their "pool" of potential mates were in general trustworthy, honest and capable of commitment.
She also asked them what kinds of tactics they used to attract mates. Cashdan found that the less
committed people thought their potential mates would be, the more they themselves pursued short-
term mating tactics. For example, if women considered their world to be full of "cads," they tended to
dress more provocatively and to be more promiscuous; if they thought that the world was populated
by potential "dads" - that is, committed and nurturing men - they tended to emphasize their chastity
and fidelity. Similarly, "cads" tended to emphasize their sexuality and "dads" said they relied more on
advertising their resources and desire or long-term commitment.

These perceptions of what to expect from the opposite sex may be influenced by the kind of home life
an individual knew as a child. Social scientists have long known that children from homes where the
father is chronically absent or abusive tend to mature faster physically and to have sexual relations
earlier in life. Psychologist Jay Belsky of Pennsylvania State University argues that this behavior is
an evolved psychological mechanism, triggered by early childhood experiences, that enables a child
to come of age earlier and leave the distressing situation. This psychological mechanism may also
lead to a mating strategy that focuses on short-term affairs.

The Green Monster

Whether in modern or ancient times, infidelities can breed anger and hurt, and new research suggests
subtle differences in male and female jealousy with roots in the ancient past. In one study, for
example, Buss asked males and females to imagine that their mates were having sex with someone
else or that their mates were engaged in a deep emotional commitment with another person.
Monitoring his subjects' heart rates, frowning and stress responses, he found that the stereotypical
double standard cuts both ways. Men reacted for more strongly than women to the idea that their
mates were having sex with other men. But women reacted far more strongly to the thought that their
mates were developing strong emotional attachments to someone else.

As with out evolved mating preferences, these triggers for jealousy ultimately stem from men's and
women's biology, say Buss. A woman, of course, has no doubt she is the mother of her children. For a
man, however, paternity is never more than conjecture, and so men have evolved psychologies with a
heightened concern about a mate's sexual infidelity. Since women make the greater biological
investment in offspring, their psychologies are more concerned about a mate's reneging on his
commitment, and, therefore, they are more attentive to signs that their mates might be attaching
themselves emotionally to other women.

Sexual Monopoly
The male preoccupation with monopolizing a woman's sexual reproduction has led to the oppression
and abuse of women world-wide, including, at its extremes, confinement, domestic violence and
ritual mutilation such as clitordectomy. Yet the new research into the mating game also reveals that
throughout human evolution, women have not passively acquiesced to men's sexual wishes. Rather,
they have long employed a host of behavioral and biological tactics to follow their own sexual agenda
- behaviors that have a huge impact on men's behavior as well. As Buss points out, if all women
suddenly began preferring to have sex with men who walked on their hands, in a very short time half
the human race would be upside down.

With its emphasis on how both men and women are active players in the mating game, evolutionary
psychology holds out the promise of helping negotiate a truce of sorts in the battle of the sexes - not
be declaring a winner but by pointing out that the essence of the mating game is compromise, not
victory. The exhortations of radical feminists, dyed-in-the-wool chauvinists and everyone in between
are all the spices for a sexual stew that has been on a slow boil for millions of years. It is not accident
that consistently, the top two mating preferences in Bruss's survey - expressed equally my males and
females world-wide - were not great looks, fame, youth, wealth, or status, but kindness and
intelligence. In the rough-and-rumble of the human mating game, they are love's greatest allies.
 #2# IS IT LOVE OR NOT?

Mature Love vs. Infatuation

TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1. What do I want from this relationship?
2. Have I told him/her what is important to me in a relationship?
3. Does he/she tell me what is important to him/her in a relationship?
4. Am I happy with the way things are?
5. What type of changes would make it better?
6. Can we talk about touching?
7. Do I feel good about the touching we do?
8. Am I feeling pressured or am I pressurring?
9. How does the relationship affect other things or people in my life?
10 Who can I talk to when things get tough?

Then it goes into these definitions:

MATURE LOVE
*both are individuals apart from the other
*each accepts the fact that neither is perfect
*the relationship is strong in tough times as well as happy times
*the love gives each person energy to devote to all aspects of life
*the two people are close friends
*each person continues to grow as an independent human being
*there is joy in giving as well as recieving
*there is honesty and trust between the two people
*each feels a responsibility to the others well being

INFATUATION IS NOT LOVE

*the person depends on the relation for self esteem
*the person takes more from the relationship than they give
*each is jealous of the others seperate activities
*the relationship drains the person of energy
*the person is afraid that the other person will lose interest in them
*the person can only think of the other person

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when it's love? (Summary of replies to a survey)

1. When you see someone you like, how do you attract that person?
*I flirt and smile a lot. I try to let them see who I am by sharing myself.
*I find out what our mutual interests are and I try to find a way to share
them.
*By conversations and phone calls, make the other person know that you are
alive and interested in him/her.
*Do not put on an act, just be yourself.
*You cannot go out and try "lines" on him/her, these are normally turn offs.
*Do not try and move too fast. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

2. And once that person is attracted to you, how do you know you're in love?
*By looking into his eyes and seeing my reflections through the tears of joy
in his eyes.
*By enjoying and appreciating the little things he did for me and getting
goose bumps at the sound of his voice when he called my name.
*I would say that if you are waiting for it to happen, it will take longer or
it will not happen. Be patient with it.
*When I know that I have seen my lover's soul and I love it.
*Sharing daily things with each other and showing undivided attention to that
person.

3. When you're in love, how would you express it?

*Making the other person the most important person in your life is the key.
*By being there and being able to count on the other person. You must be
honest too.
*I do his laundry and make his dinner for him when he is too tired to do them.
*I do the mush stuff: cards, flowers, weekends away, etc.
*I treat him well. I treat him like a best friend because he is.

4. And after expressing your everlasting love, how does your significant
other return it?
*By telling me how he feels deep inside, opening up to me, and telling me
every little thing about his feelings towards things.
*He returns my love by holding my hand when we are walking across the
street.
*Just seeing the glow and smile on the other person's face means that it
must be love!
*Love is a give and take arrangement. You must give love in order to
receive it.
*He loves me all the time! He purrs when I wake him up in the morning.
He hugs me throughout the day.
*When he looks at me, I see the love in his eyes. He treats me as though
I was precious.

Failing all else, one slightly insane guru suggested a sure fire method:
*I would light my hair on fire and place a live salmon in my vest pocket to
attract her. I know I'm in love when she can enjoy my salmon, but still
respect my mind. I show her my love by doing interpretive dancing with
fluorescent lightbulbs, followed by splashing multicolored dayglow paint
against my thighs, and then dinner at McDonalds. And I know she loves me
when there's an absence of gunfire and lawsuits.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: drl@sol.acs.unt.edu (Laakso Dianna) @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-`--

subject: seeing 'the signs' (body language etc.)

peregrin@husc13.harvard.edu (James Peregrino) writes:

[...]
>1) she makes an attempt to break your personal space. i.e gets a little
>closer to you than most people do.

Yes, this is something some of us do. When standing and talking to

someone I'm attracted to, I move just a little closer. If there's
an empty seat beside him then of course I sit there. If he's done
something kind for me then I touch him lightly on the arm when I
say 'thanks'. Etc.

>2) she conveniently runs into. Especially if your daily patterns are
>predictable.

Yep. I would try to be where he is.... but not so often that I would
make a pest of myself.

>3) her dressing patterns change. But balance this with knowing that it
>could be due to a change in season.

If she begins to wear pretty things, like romantic dresses, or skirts

instead of jeans, jewlery when she never did before, perfume, a more
attractive hairstyle, then interpret it as a sign. These are all things
I find myself doing when I'm interested in someone.

>4) Is she nervous around you? Makes silly mistakes?

Definitely a sign, especially if she's just getting to know you...

however, if the nervousness diminishes, DON'T take it as a sign
that she's losing interest! Personally the more I like him and
the more I get to know him, the less nervous I am around him.

>5) When you are having a conversation with her and it is going well (or
>very interesting) does she appear inordinately happy about that?

How do you know women so well? ;) You'll see it in her eyes...if she
thinks things are going well and that you're interested in her too, then
it will show. Just take a good look into her eyes. You can't miss it.

>6) Has she made any attempt to feel you out? A personal question dropped
>in the middle of a conversation. Look for questions such as "Where are
>you from?" "What town do you live in?". And especially any information
>that could be used to determine if you are single or attached.

'What do you like to do in your free time?' 'How do you like this or that
about your job?' 'Tell me about your family' I've been in a situation
before when I was almost positive that he was interested in me, but
I got the feeling that he was waiting for me to ask about his personal
life, because it had something to do with his hesitation in starting a
relationship with me. I didn't ask though...most women wouldn't unless
they are very assertive (wish I were). Don't take it as a sign of
non-interest if she doesn't take hints like that.

>7) Body language: Either A) Looks you right in the eye. B) Avoids your
>glance. Contradictory? Sure, but it is up to you to test this. Does
>she look everyone else right in the eye? You job is to see if you can
>find a consistent pattern of things that she does differently around
>you.

I look him straight in the eye, and hold his eyes a moment longer
than I would in ordinary conversation with just anyone.

James, you're a pretty observant guy. I wish they were all!

- Dianna
 Chapter 1 - "The Complete Guide to Meeting Women"

Awesome Goal-Setting Techniques to

Meet & Seduce Sexy Single Women

Goal-setting is a powerful system in getting what you want, and this

is, scoring with hot & sexy beautiful single women for some love, sex,
and romance. "As you think, so you become." If you focus on a goal
with determination, backed with a burning desire, you'll experience
it. Setting a goal to pick up single women is acknowledging to your
conscious and subconscious minds that where you stand as far as
scoring with women is not where you want to be. Having a goal creates
positive pressure on yourself, which is necessary to move you forward
and motivate you to pick up women.

Now, I will explain the following steps to goal-setting to pick up

single women.

Step 1- The first step in goal-setting is desire. Desire is the great

motivator, the powerful force that drives you toward your goal.

Step 2- The second step is belief - you must believe with all your
heart and no doubts that you have the ability to achieve your goal.

Step 3 - The third and most important step is to write your goal of
picking up single women in complete detail, exactly as you wish to
have it. Until your goal is committed to paper by you, it is not a
goal; it is simply a wish backed by perhaps a lot of sexual fantasies.

Step 4 - The forth step is to determine all the benefits you will
receive by achieving your goals of scoring with single women. Write
out on paper all the benefits you will enjoy by accomplishing your
goal. You should really enjoy this step. Just let your sexual
imagination run wild and put it on paper.

Step 5 - Step number five is to set a deadline- decide exactly when

you are going to accomplish your goal of picking up single women and
put it on paper.

Step 6 - Step number six is to identify the obstacles you will have to
overcome to achieve your goal of picking up single women. You will
discover that any major obstacles lingering in your mind and
preventing you from picking up single women will become small when you
write them down on paper.

Step 7 - Step number seven is to clearly define the knowledge you need
to learn in order to accomplish your goal. All the knowledge you need
is right here in this book. Study it and put it into action.

Step 8 - Step number eight is to take all the details that you have
identified in step 6 and 7 and make a plan. Be sure and make it
complete in every little detail, with all the things you need to do to
accomplish your goal.

Step 9 - Step number nine is to get a clear mental picture of your

goal as already attained. Picture in your mind over and over seeing
yourself scoring and picking up single women. Just let your
imagination run wild. Become completely obsessed with picking up women
in your mind.

Step 10 - Your final step is to back your plan with determination,

persistence, and a burning desire to never, never give up until you
have achieved your goal.

Here's an example of a written goal:

By ___________(insert date) I will pick up and score with a hot & sexy
beautiful single woman. I am now going out often and pursuing a sexual
relationship with single women by every means possible until this goal
is accomplished. I'm now taking action when I see an opportunity to
pick up a woman. When I go to clubs now, I don't just sit there and
watch other men meet and pick up single women. I'm aggressive with
women now and move into action quickly and easily. It is extremely
easy now for me to meet and talk with women, get their phone number,
date, seduce and make love to women.

Signed___________(your name) Date ____________

This is just an example of what to write for your goal. You can write
whatever you want, this is just a guideline. This is very important.
Write your goal on a 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper, preferably blank with
no lines. Now, you need to get copies of your favorite men's
magazines. Cut out pictures of the nude models and paste them all
around your written goal. When reading your goal look at these
pictures and visualize yourself picking up single women.

Looking at these pictures will work on your subconscious mind and

motivate you to reach your goal. Read your goal and look at the photos
twice daily. Once when you get up in the morning and once when you go
to bed. These are the best times to do this because your subconscious
mind is more receptive to suggestions at this time.

Additional Tips To Help You Achieve Your Goals

1. Focus all of your attention, desire and energy in accomplishing

your goal at hand. Forget completely about any consequences of
failure with single women. Remember that you usually get what you
think about most.
2. When you start on your goal, concentrate all of your energy
without any distractions on the successful completion of your
goal. Make reaching your goal an all-consuming obsession.
3. Develop a self-talk vocabulary to reach your goal of scoring with
single women. Make it a habit to repeat again and again to
yourself, "I want to - I can" in regards to scoring with single
women.
4. Substitute the word "Try" with the word "Will" in your vocabulary
associated with scoring with single women. This is a form of
semantics and creates a new attitude of concentrating on things
that you "Will do," instead of things you plan to "Try," with a
built-in excuse in advance for possible failure.
5. Substitute the word "Can't" with the word "Can" in your daily
vocabulary too. Always tell yourself you "Can" do things you set
your mind to.

In conclusion, set your goals and go for it! Happy Hunting!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2 - "The Complete Guide to Meeting Women"

The Single Man's Guide to Using

Body Language to Meet & Seduce Single Women

You can attract more single women than you can handle for love, sex,
and romance just by simply using the art of body language. Step by
step I will guide you in the usage of successful body language using
the following methods:

How To Use Body Language To Attract Single Women

1. Develop a graceful, arrogant sort of walk. A walk that is free and

easy with fluid movements. This kind of walk transmits a sexual
message which will turn a woman's head.
2. When leaning against a wall or whatever, thrust your hips forward,
with your legs apart. This position also transmits a sexual
message.
3. While you are standing or especially when leaning, hook your
thumbs in your belt just above your pockets and point your fingers
down toward the genital area. Because of the fingers pointing
toward the genital area, this sends out a sexual message to a
woman and you will be amazed at how many women pick up this
signal.
4. When talking to a single woman, let your eyes linger on her throat
and her breasts. Also, while talking to her, wet your lips with
your tongue. By using these two techniques, she usually will feel
rather uneasy and excited.

In conclusion, try these methods of attracting attention from single

women and see if they work for you. They have worked successfully for
a lot of men I know.

Remember, the more techniques you use to attract a woman, the more
women you're going to be picking up and that's the name of the game.

How To Recognize Female Body Language That Says She's Available

The following are some body signals and bodily movements that indicate
a single woman is available and approachable:

1. A single woman sitting with her legs open.

2. A single woman sitting with one hand touching one of her breasts.
3. She protrudes her lips and thrust her breasts forward.
4. A single woman with a sexy walk, with her hips moving to and fro
like the waves of the ocean.
5. She uses strong and sexy smelling perfume.
6. Sitting with her legs crossed in a manner to reveal her thigh.
7. Standing with one hand on her hip with her hip thrust forward.
8. A single woman wearing a low-cut dress, exposing her breasts.
9. Standing with her head cocked slightly at an angle, one foot
behind the other, hips slightly thrust forward.
10. A single woman sitting with her arms crossed can indicate that she
is frustrated and not having a good time and would welcome you
approaching her.

In conclusion, keep your eye open for all these body signals and
movements. With practice you can recognize these easily and it will
help you to determine which women are available.

By being able to determine that a woman is available in advance, your

success ratio in scoring will improve and you will move right in for
the kill when you see these signals.

How To Recognize Female Body Language That Means She's Interested in

You

The following body signals and bodily movements will indicate that a
single woman is interested in you after meeting you:

1. Of course, if you do make eye contact and exchange smiles, this

usually means that she is interested in you.
2. She sits uncomfortably close to you.
3. Her hand or thigh carelessly brushes up against your thigh.
4. A single woman exposing her wrist or palm to you.
5. While talking to you, she twiddles her hair, rearranges her
clothes, or pushes her hair away from her face.
6. While talking to you, she strokes her thigh, wrists, or palm.
7. While talking to you, she blinks more than usual, fluttering her
eyelashes.
8. While talking to you, her eyes are brighter than normal. She
maintains eye contact and her pupils get bigger.
9. She sits with her legs crossed and pointed towards you.
10. She sits in a very straight position, displaying poise and good
posture.
11. While conversing with you, she licks her lips.
12. Eyebrows raised and then lowered, then a smile, usually indicate
interest.
13. While conversing with you, she rests an elbow in the palm of one
hand, while holding out her other hand, palm up.
14. She touches your arm, shoulder, thigh, or hand while talking to
you.
15. While conversing with you, she rests an elbow in the palm of one
hand, while holding out her other hand, palm up.
16. She raises or lowers the volume of her voice to match yours.
17. She rubs her chin or touches her cheek. This indicates that she's
thinking about you and her relating in some way.
18. Her skin tone becomes red while being around you.
19. She plays with her jewelry, especially with stoking and pulling
motions.
20. She rubs her wrists up and down.

In conclusion, look for these body signals and bodily movements by

single women. They can be very helpful in evaluating how she feels
about you. If you see she's really interested in you, really turn on
the charm and give it your best efforts to score.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3 - "The Complete Guide to Meeting Women"

How to Overcome Your Shyness and

Get More Dates With Hot & Sexy Women

The following is a guide to use in overcoming your shyness with single

women. Follow these steps and you can overcome your shyness and start
picking up single women instead of standing on the sidelines watching
other men meet & pick up hot & sexy single women.

1. One of the biggest roadblocks to a shy man in picking up single

women is fear. Fear that he will be rejected, fear that he won't know
what to say, and fear that he won't know how to act.

Believe me, there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear and anxiety
will produce distinct psychological consequences and if there's
anything that's going to hinder your success in picking up single
women, it is going to be fear.

The fear of being rejected by a woman can paralyze your attempts to

pick up single women. Accept the fact that you're going to get
rejected some of the time. Just because you get rejected by a woman it
does not make you worthless. There can be many different reasons why a
woman may not be interested in you at a given moment. Most of these
reasons have little or nothing to do with you as a person. Being
rejected by a woman is just a risk you will have to take and if you do
get rejected by a woman, it's not the end of the world.

Keep this in mind if you get rejected by a woman. No matter how many
single women are not interested in you, you must remember there are
many other single women out there, many of who would be delighted to
know you.

To overcome these fears and pick up single women for some love, sex,
and romance you have got to approach it like you would if you were
going to jump in a cold ocean to go swimming. Hurl yourself into it.
Take action!

You have got to practice at picking up single women. Sure, you'll get
rejected a few times. We all do. So what if you get rejected. You may
never see her again anyway. By practicing, you'll build up your
confidence. Also, by accepting the fact that you're only practicing
picking up single women, the pressure to succeed won't be so great. .

2. Has this ever happened to you? You see this beautiful single woman
that you would love to meet. You try to build up your nerve to
approach her and you make up an excuse not to approach her like, "I'm
too scared" or "I'm too nervous."

Pondering, stalling, postponing, reconsidering, these are all delaying

tactics that impede action. If you find yourself telling yourself
these lies and making excuses, block them out of your mind immediately
and take action and approach that woman right then and there. Don't
waste any time or you'll see one single woman after another walk right
out of your life. Don't delay trying to pick up a woman or you might
find yourself delaying all your life.

3. Get rid of the idea that people are always watching you, sizing you
up and evaluating you. The only people who do this are shy people who
spend a lot of time fearing that they are being evaluated negatively.
The reason you think you are being watched is because you do this to
others.

The solution to breaking this habit is to stop judging and sizing

people up and you will stop thinking that others are doing the same to
you. Don't worry about people evaluating you unfavorably, because the
reason for this is that they think they are better than you.

4. Shy men have difficulty in carrying on a conversation with the

opposite sex. You're going to have to work on sharpening up your
conversational skills. If you don't have any skills, you're going to
have to develop some. You're not going to meet many single women
unless you talk to them.
_________________________________________________________________

Misconceived Beliefs of Shy Men:

"If I Ask a Woman to Dance and She Turns Me Down Or If I Talk to a

Woman and She Ignores Me, It's Because I am Not Worthwhile Or Good
Enough For Her."

This irrational belief causes shy men to fear approaching a woman and
produces low self-esteem when they are rejected. This fear of being
rejected and turned down prevents shy men from making contact with
single women.

For example, If you're turned down for a dance, it doesn't mean that
you're not worthwhile or not good enough for her. She just may not
feel like dancing at the moment. She may just be tired. She may not
even dance, period. There can be a number of reasons. So don't take it
personally.

However, what I do in a case like this is to ask her, "Would you like
to dance later?" If she says yes, maybe I'll ask her again later. In
the mean time I'll ask other women to dance. What works best for me
when they turn me down to dance is that I will ask them, "If you don't
want to dance right now, do you mind if I join you for some
conversation?" I was rarely turned down.

A word about getting rejected for a dance. A lot of guys get turned
down to dance, so don't feel that you're the only guy in the world
that happens to. It happens to all guys, even handsome guys.

If you approach a single woman and try to start up a conversation and

she ignores you, don't take that personally either. She just may not
feel like talking or being bothered. Perhaps she's tied down to a
boyfriend or even married. Also, you just might not be using the
proper social skills. So if she ignores you, move on to the next woman
and you'll find someone who will respond to your advances.

"The Odds Are Slim of a Woman Being Interested And Attracted to Me."

This is the guy that has fixed opinions about himself and makes up
excuses such as, "I'm not very lucky with women" or "I just don't
stand a chance of picking up a woman" or "There aren't any good places
where I can meet single women." These are just defensive statements to
avoid placing the blame where it really belongs and that's on
yourself. You just haven't tried hard enough to pick up a woman.
That's where the real problem lies.

Make it a point to block these beliefs out of your mind because they
will hinder you from seeking out single women using your own
initiative.

"If I Stand Around Long Enough, Maybe Something Will Happen."

Nothing could be farther from the truth. Waiting around for something
to happen will most likely accomplish nothing. This will produce
little action, if any at all. I just can't tell you how many nights
I've wasted at nightclubs waiting for something to happen, that is
until I wised up. If you wait for a woman to approach you and strike
up a conversation, you'll be waiting all night. You have got to take
the initiative and create your own action, it's not going to come to
you out of the clear blue sky.

"Most Guys Are Lucky That Pick Up Women."

This is a very mistaken notion that picking up single women happens to

other guys because of luck and good breaks. Picking up or meeting a
single woman rarely happens just by accident. Somebody has to take
that first step to initiate contact with a woman. The only difference
between you and the other guy is he takes action, not because of a
stroke of luck. So remember, you must go out and initiate action. You
must make the effort to pick up single women.

"If A Single Woman Doesn't Show She Likes Me Right Away, She Really
Doesn't Like Me And Will Never Like Me."

This is an unproductive belief that a single woman, upon first meeting

her, must show complete interest in you by verbal and non-verbal
communication.

This is perfect example of this misconception: You ask a woman to

dance and she readily accepts. After the dance is over she accepts
another guys invitation to dance. You get all upset and say to
yourself, "If she was really interested in me, she would have found
some excuse not to dance with that guy when he asked her."

What this guy doesn't know is that in the majority of cases like this,
is that when interest is not immediately shown to the other, this
doesn't mean that the possibility of liking you may not be there.

So, don't give up on a woman if she accepts another guys invitation to

dance. Just keep on pursuing her.

In conclusion, it is rare when a single woman will show her liking and
interest in you following a brief initial meeting. Prolonged
communication and conversation are necessary before she can feel
comfortable in showing her interest in you.

"If You're Going to Make It With a Woman, You'll Both Know It When You
Meet And There Won't Be Any Problem."

This is the guy who is waiting for "love at first sight" to occur to
initiate a relationship. Upon meeting a woman, if there are no
vibrations or chemistry between them, he simply dismisses the
encounter. He uses this as a defensive excuse for initiating any
intimate contact with women.

Waiting for "love at first sight" will prevent you from establishing
real friendships with the opposite sex out of casual acquaintances.
You don't have to be madly in love with a woman to show interest and
concern and to establish a friendly rapport.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 4 - "The Complete Guide to Meeting Women"

How to Seduce Sexy Single Women on the Dance Floor

Single women love to dance and you can use this to your advantage.
Here's a few techniques you help you successfully make single women
desire you while dancing:

How to Score With Sexy Women While Fast-Dancing

If you don't dance you'd better learn, because most single women go to
a nightclub to dance and have a good time. You don't have to invest a
lot of money in private dancing lessons either. Many cities offer
inexpensive dance classes with groups, or perhaps you have a female
friend who will teach you.

You don't have to learn anything real fancy. Just basic free-style
nightclub dance steps will be sufficient. Besides, in a lot of
nightclubs the dance floor is so crowded there's just not enough room
to do any of the sophisticated nightclub dance steps, especially on
the weekend.

When approaching a woman to ask her to dance, whatever you do don't

fondle her, paw at her body, or put your arm around her shoulders or
waist. This turns most women off when a stranger starts pawing at her
body. It degrades her and makes her feel like a piece of meat in a
meat market. Just simply walk up next to her and say with a smile,
"Would you like to dance?" If she says no, just say, "OK." You might
also say, "Thanks anyway" or even better, "How about later?" Don't
stand there and aggravate her by arguing with her as to why she won't
dance with you. Just go on to the next girl and so on until you find
someone to dance with.

Also, look for a woman tapping her feet or moving her body to the beat
of the music. This usually means that she is anxious to dance. If
she's dancing with herself while standing, this also means she's dying
to dance.

Don't forget to dance to the slow songs, even though they don't play
too many at the nightclubs. Don't pass up these good opportunities to
get some instant physical contact with a woman.

So now you're out on the dance floor dancing to a fast song. While
you're dancing with her, make eye contact. Just catch her eye and hold
it momentarily, then look away. Repeat this process until you start
getting a smile out of her or at least a look of interest. Of course,
now some women won't look at you while you're dancing. They don't
focus their eyes on anyone in particular and look at their feet, or
the floor, or they're busy trying to show off in front of everyone
else. Some women are self-conscious about everybody watching them, so
they don't make much eye contact. Anyway, try to establish as much eye
contact as possible. This will be to your advantage.

While you're dancing this first dance together, be sure and make some
verbal contact no matter how loud the music is. The first thing you
should say is, "What's your name?" After she tells you her name tell
her yours. Now you have become formally introduced, just by dancing.
Also, make a comment on how nice she looks or compliment her outfit or
dress.

So now this first song is coming to an end. When it ends don't

hesitate and look at her to see if she wants to dance to the next
song. Just turn away from her while continuing to dance and look at
her out of the corner of your eye to see what she is going to do. You
see, by hesitating at the end of a song, you force a direct
confrontation on whether to dance to the next song. If you just keep
on dancing into the next song, taking it for granted that she wants to
dance again, you'll be more successful in keeping her out on the dance
floor. The longer you dance with her the better your chances of
getting to know her.

Now we get to the part when you finish dancing. This will usually end
in these following ways:

1. She stops dancing and says, "Thank you."

2. You're both hot, sweaty, and exhausted from dancing and mutually
agree to leave the dance floor.
3. Either one of you develops a cramp and has to leave the dance
floor.

This is very important! After you have finished dancing whatever you
do, don't let her get away after thanking you for the dance. Just
simply say, "Can I join you for a drink?" Also, you could say, "Can I
talk to you about something?" After this statement, she will say,"Talk
about what?" Then you say, I'll tell you when we sit down." After
this, just start making conversation. Also, if she doesn't have a
table and she is just standing like yourself, just say, "Can I talk to
you for a little while?"

So, what you do after you finish dancing can determine the future of
your whole night and whether you're going to score or not. What I
can't figure out is these guys that dance with a woman and don't even
look at or talk to her while they are dancing and when they finish, he
says, "Thanks" and just walks away. Needless to say, you don't meet
any single women this way.

So when you have finished dancing, move right in for the kill. Don't
even hesitate, just proceed immediately with determination that you're
going to make contact with this woman.

How to Seduce Sexy Single Women While Slow-Dancing

Let me give you a few pointers if you're slow-dancing and by all means
try to dance to every slow dance because of the physical contact
involved.

As in fast dancing, immediately start introduction procedures. Open up

by saying, "My name is ___________. What's yours?"

When slow-dancing try to hold her as close to your body as possible.

Gently now! Don't squeeze her like an octopus. When moving your right
leg, gently brush her inner thighs. While dancing, gently squeeze her
hand and see if you get any response. If you do, continue with the
next step. Start rubbing her back with your hand. At this point if she
starts rubbing your shoulders, neck, or chest and starts grinding her
crotch against yours, you're on your way. At this stage of the game
it's time to try and kiss her. Begin kissing her neck and work your
way up to behind the ear, then the ear lobe, then kiss her on the
lips. If you've gotten this far, chances are you're going to score
tonight, if not later for sure.

If you have tried all these moves and you do not get any response,
don't be concerned about it. Some single women are reluctant to show
any affection towards a total stranger. This is quite common, so don't
jump to conclusions thinking that she's cold or not interested in you.

Whatever you do, don't give up on a woman who does not respond to your
physical advances while slow-dancing. Just follow up with your
conversational skills and get to know her better and get her to like
you. Perhaps then she will loosen up when she gets to know you a
little better and becomes interested in you. If you employ good
pick-up techniques, you shouldn't have any problems.
The Main Factors that seem to determine someone's compatibility
with another person (as revealed in most social psychology courses)
are as follows:

Geographical and Communicational Closeness

The closer you are to someone, or the more contact you have, the
more likely you are to fall for them. This is known as the propinquity
effect, and is one of the greatest factors on liking.

Similarities

Opposites generally do NOT attract. People who have similar interests

are going to be easier to find things to do to spend time with. This is
not to say that you need to be identical, but it doesn't hurt to have
(or acquire) similar interests with someone you have your eye on.

Reciprocal Liking

Despite what they say about always wanting what you can't have,
We more often tend to like people who we know already like us,
because this makes for less awkwardness and more control, so if you
want someone to like you, do as much as you can to seem interested
in their conversation and presence.

Physical Attractiveness

As Shallow as it sounds, this is high up on the list of important

qualities, so learn to deal with it. It is believed there is a survival
factor to this, because attractiveness is believed to have once been a
sign of hardiness and ability to bear strong children. Don't fear if
you're not attractive according to the public standards however.
Physical attractiveness varies in the eye of every beholder, and there
truly is somebody how finds everyone beautiful, just hang in there till
you find them :)

Well those are the four big ones. Ways to improve your success rate
therefore are to look for people close to you, with some similar
interests, try and give off signs that you like them (Without seeming
obsessive) and try and look your best.
 Past Relationships Can Make Your New Ones Better

Every person you date helps shape your life. Because when you date someone, you not only learn
about them - you also learn a few things about yourself.

A doomed relationship is not necessarily bad. It just means that on some level there is an
incompatibility that cannot be reconciled.

The trick is to take these past experiences and use them to your future benefit. Analyze your time
together. Look carefully at your growth as a couple, as well as how you grew as an individual during
that period, and you will start to see how the person changed you, for better or for worse. You will
then see that, while the relationship has ended, you still carry with you many of the things that you
loved about that person.

That growth makes relationships, even doomed ones, seem like stepping stones in your development,
and not wasted time to be mourned.

Look back at your past relationships, and see how you have developed. For instance, maybe your ex
was an avid reader and she turned you on to some great literature. Maybe she introduced you to
"Seinfeld." Perhaps she once said she loved a man who cooked, so you decided to get involved in the
kitchen. If she was a vegetarian, maybe you stopped eating meat.

On the other hand, maybe she hated going out in the sun, so you stayed inside and put on 20 pounds.
Maybe she drove you to the brink of insanity and now you have to seek therapy.

Either way, she changed you. And in turn you changed her.

The next time she gets involved in a relationship, perhaps she will know better than to try to change
her man. Maybe she will be more patient when her date does not want to go to the mall.

Heck, you may have helped mold her into the perfect girlfriend. Unfortunately, you just won't get to
enjoy the benefits.

You may even take pride in being a finishing school for women. They will come to you, naive and
uncertain, and when they finally leave you they will be totally prepared for any of the crap a
boyfriend can dish out. Most likely by the time a girl is done with you, they are ready to move on to a
lasting, long-term relationship.

Since your ex got so much out of your relationship - and we're not talking your boxers or favorite
CDs - you should do the same.

Think about the things you did that ticked her off, think about the things you did that brought a smile
to her face, then work on those things.

Maybe that is why women tend to date guys older then they are. Clearly they are hoping these guys
have learned some things about relationships and matters of the heart.

If you pay attention to your relationships, and learn from them, then somewhere along the way you
will become the perfect date, perfect boyfriend, perfect husband, and may even a ladies man.

But don't hold your breath.

 Make Girl Friends To Attract Girlfriend

It is a known fact that a man with a girlfriend is the most attractive man in the world.

Women find him irresistible. That's because when he is out on the town, he is just being himself. He
is not the least bit concerned about with whom he is going home. Women can see this, and they find it
very attractive.

They know that the difference between a man with a significant other and a man on the prowl is like
the difference between a millionaire and a derelict: One doesn't have a thing in the world to worry
about, and the other has a hint of desperation or defeat behind his eyes.

"It's true that man who have girlfriends are more desirable," said Jen, 20. "They are unobtainable, and
we all want something we can't have."

This time-tested theory has been the downfall of many relationships.

We've all seen it happen. A guy who has been involved with only one person for a while has become
secure and confident - two qualities women adore. And when beautiful women start to respond to
these qualities, he immediately - and mistakenly - believes it's his own animal magnetism that's
drawing 'em like files.

Soon he decides that he owes the female population more time and attention then he could give all
those women as a committed man, so he leaves his girlfriend and becomes a driveling idiot with no
magnetism, just like he was before he lucked into the girlfriend.

There's an adage that goes something like this: "It takes money to make money."

Well I think the same goes for getting girls. It takes girls to get girls.

Instead of hanging out in packs of meatheads, guys need to foster more intergender relationships -
even if they are of the platonic type.

When a woman sees you hanging out with your friends, or by yourself, she has no idea if you're a
decent guy or a jerk. But if you are standing there shooting the breeze with a woman, all of a sudden
you are vouched for. Women will start to wonder what it is about you that they are missing.

The reason is simple: Women don't trust their own judgement. They need a confirmation by another
woman - verbal or otherwise - that you are datable material.

Sure, there are some women who might be turned off by a man who appears to have a girlfriend but is
hitting on them. That is why it is important to let the object of your affection know that you and the
lady you are with are just good friends and, in fact, the girl you are with insisted that you make the
moves on her. This not only conveys that you will do whatever a woman tells you to do, but that you
are innocent and in need of a little guidance. After all, women love to give a little guidance.

And if you're worried about your looks - forget it. Everyone knows men don't have to look like Brad
Pitt to pick up girls. In fact, man can look like Lyle Lovett and make out just fine. Do you think for a
second that having Julia Roberts on his resume has hurt his chances with the ladies? I doubt it.

The 1987 movie "Can't Buy Me Love" illustrates the point perfectly. A geeky guy pays a popular girl
to hang out with him for a month. When they end their "affair," all the other girls in the school can't
wait to find out what the geek had going on.

Just think - you can be that geek. By cultivating a few strong, friendly relationships with some fun,
attractive women, you can have girls all over the place dying to find out what your story is.
 Being single is better than being with wrong person

Being single means being good at waiting. It means having patience and not settling for something
because you're bored with being single. Being single is often both an opportunity and a commitment
to learn from the mistakes of relationships past.

Of course, telling single people they should not fall into the first available relationship is a little like
telling aging NFL stars they should not do phone commercials with Alf. They already know it's not a
good idea, but they can't seem to control themselves.

There are many men and women who have spent long careers as boyfriends and girlfriends and can't
imagine doing anything else. In fact, they are so accustomed to being entrenched in relationships they
have a hard time defining themselves when they are single.

People face relationship opportunities daily - well, at least monthly. But once they decide to take a
chance, a little self control and pacing at the outset of the relationship can be the difference between
jumping back into a tired cycle of dependency and figuring out what compatibility really means.

For most people, at least at some point, compatibility means physical attraction. This is
understandable because physical intimacy is one of the biggest things missing from a single person's
life. Of course, so is emotional intimacy, but it's easier for people to forget about that than the fact
they haven't hooked up in a while.

It's natural for a person who is suffering from loneliness to jump at the chance to establish a
connection with someone they find attractive. But it's important to discover whether physical
attractiveness is the basis for the relationship or if there is common ground that will give two people a
chance in the future.

It sounds simple, but many people have made the mistake of not waiting for an intellectual attraction
before falling head-long in love. Unfortunately, it is only after they have committed their hearts to an
unworthy cause that they discover their mistake. And even when people learn they have made an
error, there is the tendency to try to overcompensate for a lack of intellectual attraction by focusing
even more energy on the physical attraction.

Relationships they could have been a mere fling can take on a true-love aura and linger for months
after they should of ended.

Showing a little patience in the face of one more Saturday night without plans sounds like a lot to ask
of someone who is weary of not being in love. But in the long run, a Saturday night spent with
someone who may be physical turn-on but is also an ultimate bore.

This is not to say that unless compatibility is a foregone conclusion that dating is a bad idea. It's not.
Dating is how people learn whether there is both physical and intellectual attraction. It's how we
determine who is worthy of our intimacy and our love and who is an object of lust.

It's the time spent outside of a relationship that is the key to understanding the difference between the
two.
 The Top 10 Dining Etiquette Tips to Impress Single Women When on a
Dining Date:

1. Whatever you do, don't use curse words in your dining

conversations. This can really turn women off and can even spoil your
chances for dating her again and your potential relationship goes
right down the drain.

2. Don't bring your cell phone on your dining date. You don't want any
interruptions and you want to give her your undivided attention. Also,
you may mistakenly think that cell phones impress women by thinking
that you are a important businessman or something. The women are going
to be impressed by how you treat them, not because you have a cell
phone.

3. I highly recommend that you bring some dental floss and tic tacs
with you on your date. After you complete your meal, excuse yourself
and go to the restroom and floss your teeth and take a breath mint.
The reason for this is that you don't want any food stuck on your
teeth while talking to her (this can be very embarrassing and you
won't even be aware of it and of course you don't want to have bad
breath either.

4. Don't bore your date by constantly talking about yourself, what

material possessions you have, important people you know, your fancy
car, your money, etc. In other words, stay away from your ego trip,
just focus on her and revolve your conversation around her and her
interests.

5. Never bite your nails while you are dining.

6. Please, whatever you do, don't light up a cigar while you are
eating. It will not only turn her off, but will annoy other patrons
with the foul odor of a cigar.

7. Refrain from chewing gum while dining.

8. When asked how you are doing. Always reply, "I'm doing great, how
about yourself?" Don't reply with how bad you are feeling or
discussing any ailments.

9. If there are other people in your party, be sure and include them
in your conversations. In other words, don't ignore the other people
at your table, especially if they are her friends.

10. Whenever she reaches for a cigarette, be sure and light it for
her.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Listed here is the proper dining etiquette when on a dinner date with
women:

Be sure and make reservations if you are going to a fancy or popular

restaurant. It's very embarrassing to show up without reservations
and having to wait an hour or two for a table. Also, be sure a check
to see if they have a dress code and dress properly. Be sure and tell
your date in advance what to wear.

When your food comes don't gobble your food down like you haven't
eaten in a week. Eat at a moderate pace so you will have more time
for conversation. It makes a bad impression if you gobble down your
food and you spend the rest of the time watching your date eat.

Be sure and use your napkin and place it in your lap. Do not tuck it
in your belt or use it as a bib.

When being seated do not allow them to place you in "bad" spots such
as noisy areas, next to the restrooms, by the front or back door,
areas with a bad atmosphere, etc.

Do not slurp your soup, smack your lips, or chew with your mouth
open. Nothing is more unsightly than watching someone talk and chew
their food at the same time.

Should you order for your date? If you are at a classy restaurant,
you should order for your date. Ask her in advance what she wants and
when the waiter or waitress comes, order for her. This makes a good
impression on women.

When eating insert your fork straight in your mouth. Do not place
your fork in the side of your mouth. This increases the chances of
you dropping your food on your table and that's embarrassing.

If you get food stuck in your mouth do not pick it out with your
fingers or fork at the table. Excuse yourself and go to the restroom
and get it out with a toothpick.

Be sure and leave at least a 15% tip (unless the service is bad).
Single women will judge you on your tipping habits. If you are cheap
it can make a bad impression on them. Don't whip out a pen and paper
or calculator to calculate the tip, it could leave an impression on
her that you are "cheap." Here's an easy way to do it in your head.
Let's say that your bill comes to $45.10. Move the decimal point one
place to the left ( this will come to $4.51 which is 10% of the bill).
Now divide $4.51 by 2 which will give you $2.25. Now add $4.51 +
$2.25 = $6.76 in your head and this will give you a 15% tip. That
wasn't so hard was it?
 Green Bay Restaurant Search

Category is "Fine Dining"

Cost Average is "$11 - $15"
_________________________________________________________________

A's Dockside Cafe

112 N. Broadway
DePere, WI 54115
(920) 336-2277
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Backgammon Pub & Restaurant

2920 Ramada Way
Green Bay, WI 54304
(920) 336-0335
Categories: Bar & Grill, Family Restaurant, Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Carlton Inn
2607 Nicolet Dr
Green Bay, WI 54311
(920) 468-1086
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Chanterelles
2638 Bay Settlement Rd
Green Bay, WI 54311
(920) 469-3200
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Charneski's Prime Cut Steak House

3171 Manitowoc Rd
Green Bay, WI 54311
(920) 468-7679
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Eve's Supper Club

2020 Riverside Drive
Green Bay, WI 54301
(920) 435-1571
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Mariner Supper Club

2222 Riverside Dr
Green Bay, WI 54301
(920) 437-7101
Categories: Family Restaurant, Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Prime Quarter Steak House

2610 S Oneida St
Green Bay, WI 54304
(920) 498-8701
Categories: Bar & Grill, Family Restaurant, Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Rivers Bend
792 N Riverview Dr
Green Bay, WI 54303
(920) 434-1383
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Rock Garden Supper Club & Banquet Hall

1951 Bond St
Green Bay, WI 54303
(920) 497-4701
Categories: Family Restaurant, Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Stratosphere
2850 Humbolt Rd
Green Bay, WI 54311
(920) 468-1452
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Terrapin Station
623 George St
DePere, WI 54115
(920) 339-9903
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Union Hotel
200 N Broadway
DePere, WI 54115
(920) 336-6131
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Wild Onion
1632 Hwy 41
DePere, WI 54115
(920) 336-2303
Categories: Fine Dining, Ethnic
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________

Ziggey's Inn
741 Hoffman Rd
Green Bay, WI 54301
(920) 339-7820
Categories: Fine Dining
Average Cost: $11 - $15
_________________________________________________________________
Here are some common problems you will face in relationships and a
trouble shooting guide to fix them:

Problem: As long as the two of you are doing something, everything is

fine, but when you are alone with each other you seem to have nothing
to say.
Solution: This does not bode well for your relationship. If you
cannot communicate, you may not have much in common.

Problem: The woman you are going with consistently shows up late for
dates.
Solution: You are a low priority with her. Reconsider how important
she is in your life.

Problem: After meeting a single woman, things usually go well for the
first few dates, but then she loses interest in you.
Solution: This seems to be a repeating pattern in your relationships.
1. Become a more interesting person.
2. Develop your talents and explore the depths of your potential.
3. Review basic conversational skills.
4. Do you attach yourself to the woman, "smothering'" her?
5. Do your constant attentions allow her to take you for granted?

Problem: You are going out with a woman who shows you no affection at
all, who constantly criticizes you, who shows no interest in the
things that are important to you. She permits you to take her to
dinner and entertain her, and makes you feel that this is what you owe
her for being with her. You are nevertheless overwhelmed and grateful
to be near her, and if you could only get her to return your love, it
would make your life complete.
Solution: If it is your life's ambition to be abused and exploited,
then you have found your soul mate. Otherwise, run, don't walk, to
the nearest exit.

Problem: You seem to be stuck in a rut. Your life has settled into a
dull routine of loneliness and even the prospect of a close
relationship hardly excites you any more.
Solution: Try a change of pace.
1. Fill up your free time with activities.
2. Take classes. Join clubs. Do volunteer work.
3. Devote yourself to a hobby.
4. Start work on your novel.
5. Step out of the role.
6. Be a bit more flexible, and less predictable in your behavior.
7. Deliberately act out of character occasionally.
8. If you are in a permanent state of depression, consider
professional counseling.

Problem: You are tired of making a fool of yourself over women, tired
of being humiliated and rejected. You don't know where you'll find
the courage to go on looking for your love.
Solution:
1. Get a good night's sleep.
2. Wake up fortified with a teeny bit of optimism, and smile at the
people you meet on the way to work.
3. Forget about girlfriend hunting for a few weeks, perhaps a month
or two, and concentrate on improving your relationships with your
family and friends.

Problem: Absolutely nothing seems to work.

Solution:
1. Perhaps it is not a good time in your life to be seeking a
relationship.
2. You might not yet be ready for one.
3. Treat yourself to a six month's breather, a vacation from looking
or a girlfriend.
4. Enlarge your circle of acquaintances.
5. Develop new interests.
6.Grow, learn, and be patient.
 What To Do When It's Over

It's a sad fact of life, but at some point in your life you will get dumped by a girlfriend. And, no guy
likes to get dumped, especially by someone you cared for and loved. But, love is a two-way street.
Both parties have to love and nurture a relationship to keep it alive. It's no good to be involved in a
one-way relationship with a woman that you love and she does not love you back.

The Cardinal Rule of Life is- "Never stay where you are not appreciated."

This applies to all phases of life - jobs, sports, and social activities - but it especially applies to
dealing with single women.

If a girl is not interested in you, then that is that. Nothing you can do is going to change it. Don't
waste time with people who aren't into you. Even if she looks like the girl of your dreams, it will lead
nowhere so move on. By hanging around this girl, you portray an image to her and everyone else that
you are a person who is found unattractive by women. And worse, you are used to it. After all, if you
had other women who were attracted to you why would you be hanging around her?

When are you not being appreciated? When you are the only one putting energy into the relationship.
You are the glue holding the whole thing together. She is neither showing nor giving any effort or
energy towards being with you. She's not making herself available to get together. She lacks
enthusiasm. In sum, when trying to get something to develop is a struggle.

If you experience these symptoms and recognize the lack of "magic" present when two people are
mutually interested, don't try any remedies - just leave. Don't make a speech, or a scene, or an issue.
Simply bow out gracefully and pursue girls who are interested in you. You will be doing yourself and
everyone else a big favor.

I know you're going to feel like shit in the beginning after your girlfriend breaks up with you or you
decide to call it quits. But, you will get over her a hell of a lot easier if you will take these steps to get
over her and get on with your life:

1. Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself and try to scheme up ways to get your girlfriend back.
Don't make any efforts whatsoever and whatever you do, don't call her or write her. You need to
block her out of your life completely and pretend that she does not even exist on this earth anymore.

2. If you have any pictures of her laying around, on the wall, or in your wallet, hide them in your attic
or somewhere where you will not likely see them. Even better, throw them away or burn them. You
could be nice and return them to her if you desire.

3. Here's a good ritual to get her out of your system: Sit down and write her a letter telling her pissed
off and hurt you are about her dumping you and tell her good bye and you don't want to ever see her
again. Don't mail this letter, but just set it aside somewhere. This is just a good way to vent your
feelings and make you feel better.

4. Block out of your mind all the good times you had. Just focus on the negative and bad times (her
bitchy moods, her always nagging you, standing you up for dates, refusing to have sex with you,
telling her you love her and she does not say anything in return, her not returning your calls, her
flirting with other guys when you go out, her unsightly nose hairs, her fat ass, all your arguments,
etc.). After some serious thinking, you may come to realize that you had mostly bad times and things
worked out for the best by you getting out of an unhappy relationship.

5. Be sure and hide or destroy any love letters or cards she may have given to you.

6. Return any gifts she may given to you. You don't need the reminders of her and I would consider
throwing them away or donating them to the needy.

7. Don't listen to the crying in your beer songs or songs that you shared together. Listen only to
upbeat music that will cheer you up. Laying around listening to sad songs is only going to make you
feel worse. If you can, avoid going to places that will remind you of your ex.

In conclusion, keep real active and busy and spend a lot of time with your friends. And most
importantly, get back in circulation and start dating again. And, don't be choosy and particular when
you start dating again. Date any and all single women. You need to get back in the groove and don't
hold out waiting for some Playboy Playmate type to come along.

Fight the feelings of loneliness/blues after you break up with work. The kinda that produces a heavy
sweat (physical labor). This takes your mind off of your negative emotions when you're feeling down.
And negative emotions are your worst enemy. Because, when you dwell on your misfortunes in
attracting love, it only makes you feel worse.

Always try to think positive and what ever happens to you in life is only temporary. Life goes in
cycles and there will be good and bad times. Always strive to dwell on the good times you've
experienced with women in your life and bury your past failures with women.
 Common Situations With Practical Answers

1. As you walk from a store, a young woman approaches you. She

boldly announces, with a mischievous grin on her face, that she had
been watching you paw through the cookware. "I could tell, you add
up the prices in your head", she says. How do you answer?

2. Walking down the street, you notice an attractive single woman

several hundred feet away seem to stare at you, possibly even smile.
Do you approach her? How? What do you say?

3. At the supermarket, a well-dressed single woman stares into your

shopping cart. She remarks that you seem to have a special liking for
canned spaghetti. Could she be "hitting" on you or is she just making
a joke at your expense?

4. You have been good, but not intimate friends with a woman for
years. She trusts and confides in you. She is in the process of
breaking up with her longtime boyfriend. She turns to you for
comfort and solace. Is it time for something more than friendship
between the two of you?

5. On the street, you run into a classmate from high school. She
walks right up to you and starts chatting, as if she had seen you just
last week, rather than a decade ago. She would not have con
descended to notice you back in school, but now she is extremely
friendly, even intrusive. Do you respond to her overtures?

6. At work, a single woman loudly announces to her friends that she

would accept an invitation from "anyone" to a certain dance club. She
is looking in your direction and she seems to have taken pains to
ensure you will overhear her. You scarcely know the woman, and had
not even considered approaching her. What to do?

7. As the office party breaks up, amidst considerable noise and

confusion, a woman you hardly know grabs you and kisses you on
the lips, hard (you rather enjoy the sensation). Is she drunk, or does
this indicate genuine interest in you?

8. The woman you have been going out with consistently shows up
late for dates, at times an hour or more. She always has an excuse,
but you are beginning to get somewhat annoyed. What should you
do?

9. As you pass a group of single young women on the street, one of

them makes a rather suggestive remark about you, to the
accompaniment of raucous laughter from the others. What should
you do?

10. The disastrous blind date scenario. A good friend has set you up
with "the perfect woman for you". You talked with her on the phone
and seemed to hit it off. When you show up at the rendezvous, here
is this alluring Hollywood film star wannabe in a tight fitting sweater,
reeking of expensive perfume, literally oozing glamour, and flaunting
her good looks. She takes one look at you and visibly recoils. She
seemed to have been expecting a male counterpart, and her distaste
for you is all too plain. What should you do?

If there are no wrong answers, neither are there correct ones to the
problems given. A workable strategy depends not only on the
situation and the people involved, but also on timing, "delivery", and
a good measure of luck. The following are only suggestions,
tantalizing hints to provoke your thinking. Detailed solutions are left
as an "exercise for the reader".

Here are the corresponding numbered answers to match the

questions:

1. Smile. That's always a good start. "Hmmm, I'm honored that you
consider my shopping technique worthy of your attention, ma'am.
While I don't consider shopping for frying pans a critically important
activity, all the same, I do my humble best. And, no, I can't quite
track all the prices, as I seem to have a sticking digit somewhere
behind my left eye. It helps if I whack my forehead occasionally, like
so..."

2. Smile back. Wave. Give her the chance to respond. If she does
not, shrug your shoulders and walk on.

3. "Well, yes, I enjoy this particular brand for the tangy metallic
flavor of the sauce. For a fellow who finds boiling water a nearly
impossible task, I think I do a pretty fair job at making this stuff fit to
eat."

4. Remain friends. Give her comfort and support, but be extremely

wary of becoming more closely involved with her, at least at this
time.

5. Talk is cheap. Stay noncommittal, and let her carry the burden of
the conversation.

6. This is a double whammy. On the one hand, she is displaying

behavior typical of a giggly teenager. On the other, she is making it
perfectly clear that she would be using you only as a convenience, to
provide an escort for her into the club, and that any generic male
would do as well. Let her find another victim.

7. The next working day, flowers for her arrive at the office, with an
unsigned card saying; "The kiss lingers".

8. You seem to be number 468 on her list of priorities. Have a long

talk with her, but realize the relationship may be in serious trouble.

9. Rudeness has become a national epidemic. Consider this a minor

annoyance, the equivalent of bird droppings falling on you from the
sky. Keep walking.

10. "I'm not quite what you were expecting, Leila. It does appear
that we are quite unsuited for each other, and I would be most happy
to relieve you of the obligation of spending the evening with me." Put
her into a taxi. Go home. Cook yourself spicy pasta. Read a good
book. Consider yourself fortunate not to have wasted a perfectly fine
evening entertaining an airhead.
 How to Tell if a Single Woman is Interested in You - Reading Her Signals

Unfortunately, we don't live in a world where our dating availability is conveniently marked on our
foreheads. In the dating game body language can say a lot about a person. If you're a shy guy, learn
how to read a single woman's seductive signals before you ask her out or to dance. Remember, shy
can be very sexy!

Figuring out whether or not she's single or taken takes a little detective work, and sometime it may
not be determined in just one sitting. Below are signals Single women give out, if she has a boyfriend,
then chances are she won't be twirling her hair, and touching & talking to other men so casually.
Women who are already attached usually don't bother looking around as they have no intention of
meeting other men.

If it's someone you work with or see often, it becomes more complicated, since you don't want to
come right out and ask her if she is romantically involved or not. In this case, pay attention to any
conversations you have. For example; If she tells you that she has a dog named Max, does a lot of
cooking, goes to the gym every week, and takes art lessons, chances are she doesn't have a man to
come home to. The two tip-offs are she has a lot of time on her hands and does a lot to keep herself
busy. And she's very open and friendly when it comes to you.

Usually the biggest and most obvious signal in regular social situations is eye contact w/ relaxed
smile, and then she starts futzing with her necklace/collar. And/Or if she is with a group of friends,
she has her friends look at you too.

There are a lot of signs to look for, here are the top ten flirting gestures, body language, and actions
that let you know a single woman is interested in you:

1) Eyebrow flash: She raises both eyebrows exaggeratedly for a couple of seconds, followed by a
rapid lowering to the normal position. The flash is often combined with a smile and some eye contact.

2) Lip lick: Very common. Some women use only a single-lip lick, wetting the upper or lower lip,
while others run the tongue around the entire lip area. Pay attention to any showing of the tongue or
biting of the lips.

3) Short darting glances: Usually occurs in sets, with an average of three glances each.

4) Hair flip/twirling her hair: She pushes her fingers through her hair. This can be one hand
movement or more of a stroking motion, usually while looking at you.

5) Coy smile: She gives you a sort of half-smile, showing little if any tooth, combined with a
downward gaze or very brief eye contact.

6) Whisper: She leans over and speaks into her friend's ear, just like in junior high school.

7) Primping: She pats or smoothes her clothing, even if it doesn't need any adjusting.

8) Skirt hike: The hem goes up to expose a little more leg.

9) Object caress: Fondling keys/jewelry, sliding hands up and down a glass, playing with toys or
other things on the table. Very sensual.

10) Solitary dance: While seated, she moves in time to the music, with her eyes on you.
 Dating Tips For The Timid

Dating is a learned behavior, just like playing tennis or riding a bike. The more you do it, the better
you get at it. Without a great deal of dating experience, you may find dating to be both perplexing and
overwhelming. It's not surprising to find yourself out of your comfort zone when you have little
knowledge about how to get into the swing of dating. The lack of experience causes you to feel shy
and unassertive in the dating world.

People who are bashful in social situations have little faith in their own social appeal, and thus have a
tendency to run away from possible social interactions. If someone looks at you, and you react by
looking away, you appear aloof and disinterested. Eye contact with an upturned smiley face is all that
is needed to make yourself easily approachable.

One key way to feel good about yourself is to look your best at all times. Many people don't bother to
look their best some days, either out of laziness or thinking it won't matter just to run to the grocery
store, the dry cleaners, or whatever. If you have the kind of luck I have, that's usually when you do
run into people. If you look your best at all times, you'll be prepared to be seen or discovered
wherever you go. When you receive a compliment, an easy comeback would be, "It's nice of you to
notice. Thank you."

Meeting interested singles doesn't "just happen" except in rare instances. You have to make it
happen!

TRY THESE IDEAS:

1. Let others know you're approachable.
2. Smile, nod and act interested. Make eye contact instead of looking down or to the side.
3. Appreciate the attention you receive. If someone tries to talk to you, be friendly and answer the
person.
4. In group situations, whether professional. leisure, or social, converse with people. Make small talk.
Try to be gracious during small talk to encourage a new friend to continue conversation.
5. Make contact with others through social graces. Offer to get food or drink or help in other ways.
6. Invite a person you're attracted to into a group you frequent.
7. If a person approached you earlier and you rebuffed him or her because you hadn't warmed up yet
and were feeling to shy, pick up the threads of the conversation when you're more comfortable.
8. Try not to make any conversation with one-sided. The art of intimacy starts with getting to know a
person. As you find out more about the person, you'll know which topics to pursue.
9. Don't be passive. Talk!

HERE ARE SOME GENERAL RULES OF PROTOCOL FOR MAKING DATES:

1. Ask for a phone number: "I enjoyed talking to you. Would it be okay if I called you sometime?"
2. Call! There's nothing to be lost by calling, but much to be lost by not calling. Assume the person is
interested! When you call identify yourself. "This is John Brown. I met you last week at the Super
Singles dance. I was the one with the funny purple tie."
3. Arrange the meeting. Invite your new friend for a specific activity at a particular time, but have
an alternative plan in case the first one doesn't fly. "Would you like to go out for pizza after work next
Friday evening?"

ON THE DATE: Try to find some common ground by asking questions and being interested in what
your date has to say. Good eye contact is important. A pair of meandering eyes can stop a
conversation dead. Let someone know you're listening by leaning forward slightly, nodding,
paraphrasing, and asking clarifying questions. Ask open-ended questions that can't be answered with
a simple "yes" or "no." Keep your sense of humor and have fun. Don't be afraid of silences; they are
never as long as they feel. Match levels of self-disclosure so there's give-and-take. Your date will not
enjoy just answering questions.

First impressions tend to last. Listening is crucial. The reason you talk is because you want someone
to listen, and the reason someone else talks back is to be listened to. The process of communication
often breaks down because one party isn't listening properly. As for being afraid that your date doesn't
like you, consider that perhaps the person is nervous or under stress and therefore appears
uncomfortable, not disinterested.

Another meeting at a different time and place may give you both a chance to discover the wonderful
people you two really are.

Take a risk. You might say, "I'd like to see you again." at the close of a date. When you call to make
the second date, say you had a great time and bring up a few choice tidbits from the conversation. Re-
establish you connection by inviting the person to do something that involves your common interests.
If after a first date, you're undecided about the individual, give the man or woman another chance, try
a second date. If you're still unsure, try a third date. It takes at least three dates to see if you're on the
same wavelength or not.

GENERAL DATING REMINDERS:

1. Have realistic expectations, and don't expect to fall in love or find your soulmate on a first date.
2. Take an active interest in your partner. It takes time to build rapport with someone.
3. Be aware of body language. Eye contact is crucial. It shows interest and conveys intimacy.
4. Talk only about the present issues related to you. Be aware of your thoughts and avoid negative
ones.
5. The burden is on men at least initially, but women can help shy men by being more active in the
conversation and looking for common ground.
6. It takes very time or energy to meet somebody, and not much more to have a cup of coffee or a
drink with him or her. Try to be spontaneous. After all, you don't have to marry the person.

The payoff to dating sometimes can be fantastic. How are you going to know if you don't try? If you
have relatively few friends, and your small social network makes it difficult to meet potential
partners, you will need to act as your own confident matchmaker.
 I would like to write a little bit about overcoming shyness. For some
people it's not easy walking up to a member of the appropriate sex and
starting a conversation. Hopefully you will have read the section on
attitude and will be ready to get started. First you need to pick a
place to go. After you have that figured out it's time to get down to
business.

Step 1. For an hour wander around and just observe. Getting your butt
out from in front of the tube, and I mean CRT or TV, will be good for
you. Are there people that look interesting to you? If not you will
want to rethink about the place you are doing this. Notice how many
people you might like to notice you. Think about how you might look in
their eyes. Think about the expression on your face. Think about the
message you are giving off. Look at other people and notice what
expression they are wearing. Think again about how many of these
people you might like to meet. If you really stopped to count you
could probably find dozens of people that visually attract you in a
matter of a few minutes. If you find yourself wanting to make eye
contact then you are ready for the next step.

Step 2. This time for the hour try making eye contact with anyone that
interests you. Eye contact is the first line attack in meeting people.
Don't think about anything except a brief glimpse into someone else's
eyes. Don't think about the results. Just make brief contact with a
few random strangers. See if the contact is returned. Always be
observant to what is going on with other people. You don't want to
hold the eye contact too long. But you do want to be able to do it
easily and with anyone that you wish. Eye contact is essential because
it is the first impression you will make. In this beginning stage you
are not looking for anything except to have another person notice you.
You might get some strange looks. Some people are just not happy
people and will always look miserable. If you get a look like that
just think how much better than that person you are for not being
miserable. Statistically speaking 40% of the people you look at will
be single. Maybe they are miserable because they are single and not
sure how to meet people. Just tell yourself that you are on the right
track and doing fine. If you are comfortable with this than the next
step comes very easy.

Step 3. is only a two letter word different from Step two. If you are
within speaking distance when you make eye contact then say "hi".
Remember your attitude. Remember your appearance. Smile. I can't put
enough emphasis on how important a smile is. Think back to Step 1.
Don't you remember people that were smiling more than you remember
people that weren't? Unless someone is extremely attractive they need
a smile. Practice that smile in a mirror if you have to. So how is it
going saying hi to complete strangers? Hopefully you are getting more
and more comfortable all the time. The more you do it the easier it
gets. Notice how many people say "hi" back. Make sure you show some
confidence. An attractive stranger saying "hello" to you can do
wonders for your attitude.

Step 4. Today you are going to add a comment after you say hi. Here
your observant skills could come in handy. Have you noticed different
things about the world around you since you have been out among
people? If you think the fashions have changed drastically than you
might have been inside for too long. Make a comment about where you
are. Supermarket lines are always good places to comment on how the
expiration dates could come and go before you get the milk home. Say
something that doesn't require a comment back. But if you get one
consider it a bonus. That means you are well on your way. There really
is no right or wrong way to do this. The trick is to just do it.

Step 5. By now you might be wondering why this was so hard to do

before. Unless things are broken down into manageable tasks they can
look impossible. The only difference with today's lesson is you are
going to ask a quick question after you say hello. Ask for the time.
Ask what time the next bus comes. Ask what time the store closes. Ask
how they get their whites so white. If you get ignored or a nasty look
just remember from Step one and two how many people there are out
there. Again remember your attitude and appearance and try it again.
With someone different of course.

Step 6. By now you might not consider yourself shy anymore. You are
easily walking up to people and saying hello and maybe posing a quick
question. But would you like to see it go a little further. To do that
you need to make the comment a little deeper or the question something
that a quick answer won't cover. Make the question something that
can't be answered by just a yes or no. Ask for an opinion. Ask for
directions. Ask where the nicest club or bookstore is in the area. The
possibilities are endless. The more you do it the more comfortable it
becomes. Pay attention to what kind of questions get the best
responses. Anything that increases the length of contact you have with
another person. These six steps are designed just to get over being
shy. You should not be thinking about potential partners or dating at
this point. There are other specific ways to do that. They are covered
in meeting people.

Step 7. You should stay home and rest and congratulate yourself and
also ponder if any of the people you made contact could have been your
next partner.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nice guys / meeting women

Here are some interrelated points for guys who are having problems finding a
relationship because they want to be a "nice guy" and are afraid of being
aggressive.

You can't wait for "something" to happen, because more than likely nothing
will. If you're interested in a women as possibly more than a friend, you
*have* to tell her that - somehow - fairly soon. Otherwhise you may end up
hearing women tell you what a great catch you'd be for someone else. This
can get old real fast, especially if you hear it over and over. Women are
not offended if you make a pass at them, as long as it's done with some
amount of taste. So don't worry about offending them by suggesting being
something more than friends. "Nice Guys" don't want to risk getting getting
thir face slapped by suggesting (in any manner) that the bedroom might be an
appropriate place to spend the rest of the evening. But sooner or later
you'll have to. So in no particular order, here are some pointers about
relationships between men and women. Take it for what it's worth ...
and remember it's often worth what you pay for it.

1. With rare exceptions, women are not offended if you make a pass at them,
as long as it's done with some amount of taste. In fact, after a fairly
short period of time (mileage may vary), women draw an important conclusion
if you *don't* make a pass. And that conclusion is that you're not terribly
interested in being more than a friend. Let me explain that I consider 'make
a pass' to be a very broad term ... it can be something as non-threatening as
putting you hand on her arm briefly and telling her that you think she looks
especially nice tonight.

2. If you're interested in a women as possibly more than a friend, you *have*

to tell her that - somehow - fairly soon. Probably by the end of the first
date. Again, it doesn't have to be anything Outrageously Significant, but
it's got to be *something*. (see last sentence above). It doesn't have to
be words. It at least has to be some sort of signal.

3. On the subject of compliments:

a. Women enjoy receiving them.
b. But not *all* the time - they get boring and embarrassing.
c. And they *know* when you're lying.
d. You're much better off complimenting a woman on something she has
some control over. Her hair style. A piece of jewelry. Her
presentation in a class. Not particularly her eyes, her skin color,
the size of her breasts. *Especially* not the size of her breasts.

4. *Practice* dealing with women, especially if you're shy. They usually

don't bite (some do, actually, but that's another topic and doesn't come
until somewhat later in the relationship ...) How? Easy:
a. Say hi to at least 3 women a day you've never spoken to before, or
maybe even never seen before. Say it when you pass them in the hall.
When you sit down next to them in class. When you buy something from
them in a store. Why?
1) Because you'll probably at the very least get a suprised smile
which will make you feel *lots* better about yourself
2) Because they might say something back to you, and then you're
talking
Don't worry about saying anything else. Just "hi". If you want to
be brave, and it's the right situation (not passing in the hall, for
example), you could try "I don't think we've met ... my name is
<insert first name here>." But "hi" is fine the first time.
b. Don't wait until you see the woman of your imagined dreams before
you strike up a conversation. Try to talk to any woman about anything
without making a pest of yourself. The worst that can happen is that
she'll indicate she's not interested in talking. Think of that
reaction as her loss.
c. What can you talk about? Literally, anything. "Whew, it's cold
outside!". "Excuse me, what time have you got?" (possibly followed by
"that's a nice watch!", but only if you believe it (see 3c above)).
d. Who do you talk to? Anyone! It's practice, remember?

5. On the subject of being "aggressive" (which "nice guys", of course, don't

like to be) ...
a. Don't think of it as "aggressive". Think of it as "self-confident"
but not really cocky.
b. This quality (and I use that word in a positive sense) is one which
reflects your feeling (you have this feeling, don't you?) that you're
a man worth knowing. Forget about "nice guy". Unfortunately, "nice
guy" equates to wimp/dweeb in too many people's minds. Sure you're
nice - most people are. So what?
c. "Aggressive" in my definition isn't wolf whistles or cat calls. It's
not leering. It's not pawing a woman's body. It's taking some
initiative and not waiting for madam perfection to drop into your
lap (which you as a "nice guy" deserve by definition, of course).
It's showing some honest interest in something about a woman.

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Nice Guys vs. Jerks / Why do women go out with jerks instead of "nice guys"?

There are several different meanings of "nice":

Being a friendly, decent human being: generally a good thing.
Being inoffensive, shy, boring, lacking self-confidence: almost always bad.
People labeled "nice guy" usually fall into the last category; people
can be nice without it being the defining facet of their personality.

There are several different meanings of "jerk":

Being an actual jerk: not attractive to most women.
Being self-confident, assertive, outgoing: generally a good thing, but the
nice guy may consider him a jerk.

The nice guy vs. jerk debate thrives on this ambiguity, as well as the false
division of people into nice guys or jerks. Women generally prefer
self-confident guys over shy, boring ones, but this does not mean they prefer
"jerks" over "nice guys".

Men labelled "nice guy" may be submissive about their emotional needs.
They would generally rather avoid an argument rather than let one develop.
They are not loud or aggressive, and generally despise men who are, usually
on the grounds that such men are insensitive and heedless of hurt they do
to others. "Nice guys" face several impediments to relationships: they lose
out in competition to assertive men and they appear to lack self-confidence.

The canonical scenario is the woman always tells the nice guy about what a
jerk her boyfriends are, but never goes out with nice guy. The nice guy
remains single and frustrated (also known as "let's just be friends").
a) The woman probably doesn't need to discuss her boyfriend when everything
is fine, so the nice guy may form a unjustly negative image of the boyfriend.
b) A barrier to a relationship with the nice guy is "don't sleep with
friends".
c) The interesting question in this scenario is why does the nice guy stick
around with this woman who is draining his emotional support when he could
find someone else. Note the symmetry that he is attracted to this "jerk"
woman instead of finding a "nice woman".

Being fun and interesting is the quality that gets you friends.
Being nice is the quality that helps you keep the friends.
Being sexy, flirtatious, and aggressive at the right moment gets you in bed
with the woman you want.

It is not true that women, in general, prefer assholes.

Women, in general, prefer guys with self-confidence.
Unfortunately, assholes are generally pretty self-confident. (slf)

"Being *nice* is not enough." Okay, fine, you're *nice*.

But you also need to be *interesting*. (Pooh)

Maybe the cause-and-effect are backwards; guys who attract lots of women are
jerks because they don't have to be nice.

Some women say "you're too nice to go out with" as a "polite" way of saying
"I don't want to go out with you".

Clearly some women do go out with jerks (e.g. codependency, women who
want extra excitement, women who want to "rescue" the jerk).
However, lots of women do go out with nice guys; after all, most nice guys
end up in relationships, married, etc. Besides, why would you _want_ to go
out with a woman who is attracted to jerks.

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 Winter

● Make a lunch or dinner of hot soup and rolls together and set the table with candles. Play your
favorite music.
● Have an indoor picnic -- lay out a blanket and bring a picnic basket -- just have it on your
living room floor!
● Build a fire and roast marshmallows. If you don't have a fireplace, build a small safe campfire
outside. Be sure to put it out completely when you're done and before leaving the area.
● Build a snow fort together.
● Surprise your date with "Summer in a Bag!" Get creative: Gather together 2 pairs of
sunglasses, coconut suntan oil (for the smell of summer), Put on a Beach Boys CD, blow up a
beach ball to toss and pretend it's hot out. It's silly, but it can take the edge out of the winter
blahs.
● Make a snowman and snowwoman.
● Gather some friends and go holiday caroling. End by having hot cider and making cookies
together.
● Go ice skating.
● Go to a children's museum.
● Make angels in the snow.
● Bundle up and find someplace to watch the sun set over a silhouette of bare trees. As the sun
goes down, watch them appear black and strikingly beautiful against the sky.
● Go to a cappuccino bar, drink decaf and get to know one another.
● Go sleigh riding.
● Go for a walk in the snow and catch snow flakes on your tongue.
● End a winter walk with hot chocolate and mini marshmallows.
● Go to an arcade.
● Rent a movie and pop some corn.
● Rent and watch the video "It's a Wonderful Life!"
● Assemble a really challenging puzzle.
● Play board games.
● Take a night-time walk to look at your neighbors' holiday decorations and lights.
● Go skiing -- downhill or cross-country.

Spring

● Go wild-flower hunting. Pick your date a bouquet of wild-flowers. Put some in his/her hair.
● Go for a walk in the park together.
● Plant a window garden together.
● Skip stones on a lake.
● Have a picnic.
● Go horseback riding.
● Go on a hike.
● Hire a professional guide and go rock climbing.
● Hire a professional guide and go spelunking (exploring caves).
● Go on a hot air balloon ride.
● Go to the zoo to see the new baby animals who were born this spring.
● Go for a walk in the rain (an umbrella is optional) and sing "Singing in the Rain!" really
loudly.
● Rent a bicycle built for two.
● Go to a school play or concert.
● Go to a comedy club.
● Look in your local paper for free or inexpensive concerts, shows and fairs.
● Go to a park and play on the swings.
● Play tennis.
● Play pool.

Summer

● Go to the top of a very tall building to watch the sun go down.

● Jump through sprinklers together.
● Go star gazing. Name a star for your date.
● Lay on the grass and watch clouds. Use your imagination and talk about what you see in the
clouds.
● Make giant bubbles.
● Wash a parent's car together. Have fun spraying each other with the hose.
● Go to an amusement park, go on scary rides and eat cotton candy.
● Go rafting or canoeing or tubing (using a truck inner tube).
● Clean out an elderly person's attic or garage together.
● Walk on the beach. Bury each other in the sand.
● Visit a boardwalk or carnival and play games.
● Get up really early and meet to watch the sun rise -- then go for breakfast at a diner.
● Run in a 5 K race together.
● Do a walk-a-thon (for some cause you care about) together.
● Make sand castles. Use a sandbox if there's no beach nearby (use a bucket of water to make
the sand beach-quality).
● Go fishing -- throw the fish back, if you catch any.
● Write a message and tie it to a balloon (or send it off in a bottle). Ask whoever finds it to mail
you the message and tell you where they found it.
● Get a group together and go camping.
● Get a group together, go to a park or camp and have a cook-out.
● Make home-made ice-cream!
● Have a picnic then watch fireworks.
● Watch a Little League game and cheer like you're watching the pros.
● Play volleyball or racquetball

Fall

● Decorate the house for Halloween or Thanksgiving.

● Carve pumpkins.
● Make a two-person costume and go trick-or-treating together.
● Go on a hay ride (or a haunted hay ride).
● Go pumpkin picking.
● Go apple picking and make an apple pie with the apples.
● Do homework together. Really.
● Go to a school sports event together.
● Join a school club together.
● Go in-line skating.
● Make a scarecrow together.
● Go bike riding.
● Get a big old barrel, water, and apples and invite a group of friends to dunk for apples. Have a
camera available. There will be great shots!
● Go to a flea market. Find the silliest thing for sale.
● Go to a historic site. Try to talk like people from that period of time.
● Take an American Sign Language Course together. This way you can talk to one another in
class and not make any noise and not have anyone else understand what you're saying!
● Go to a football game and cheer for the underdog or for your home team.

Anytime

● Take her out to eat at a nice restaurant

● Go miniature golfing
● Spend time with your families together
● Go bowling
● Ride go-karts
● Go to the movies (the old stand-by...but still a fun thing to do!).
● Bring HIM a single rose.
● Bring her flowers and bring one for her mom.
● Go to the mall. Pretend to have a million dollars and spend it ALL on your date. (Bring a
calculator!)
● Listen to CDs.
● Go to a concert.
● Bake cookies together.
● Go to a lecture at a local college or university.
● Go dancing. Any and all kinds: square dancing, clubs, country, ballroom -- whatever!
● Go for a ride in a hansom cab (horse and carriage ride).
● Dress up for a formal date...but go out for fast food instead. Don't forget the corsage!
● Watch TV together.
● Watch videos together.
● Make up a poem or song for your special someone and read or sing it to them.
● Go to a museum or art gallery.
● Do community service together by working at a soup kitchen on a Saturday or Sunday. It will
make you feel really good and really grateful for the things you both have.
● Make a pizza together -- any kind.
● Go to McDonald's for french fries and a shake (appetizer), Burger King for a hamburger (main
entree) and end with Dairy Queen, Friendly's or TCBY (for dessert)!
● Make paper mache masks of each other's faces. Paint them and give them to each other.
● Spend an evening at the symphony
● Goto the video arcade
● Go to a "coffee house"
● Go to a Musical together