Space 4 Rent Episode 1

Oxalita Smith is standing on a stool and is in the kitchen

fixing a control panel just out of view with a hydrospanner,
sparks shoot out. Sockie is broken down in the TV. Reemus is
just inside the entryway and Zirmoses is near the
reclimator. They are all staring up at her in wonderment. A
few seconds go bye.
ZIRMOSES
This is pleasant.
REEMUS
Lita, perhaps I should be doing
this.
LITA
Almost got it Reemus...

REEMUS
(frustrated noise)
I am the Superintendent of Venusian
Gardens after all.
Lita is using a lot of effort and concentration on the
object.
LITA
And far too important... To be
concerning yourself with...
something... like this.

The sound of a metallic thud sound and electronics powering

up is heard as Sockie comes to life. Lita hops down from
stool. Music and flashing lights .

SOCKIE
Good Morning! Good Morninggggggg!!
It’s time to say Good Morning!
Wait- it’s not morning! How long
was I out this time?

LITA
You’ve been powered down for a
couple of days, Sockie.
SOCKIE
What? How did you survive without
me?
ZIRMOSES
We’ve been opening and closing the
doors manually.
 2.

SOCKIE
How primitive!
LITA
A girl this far from the sun has
got to learn to take care of
herself.
REEMUS
You should really be more careful,
Lita. you don’t have the luxury of
being an expendable clone like I
am. You’re a real person.
SOCKIE
Yeah she is!

LITA
Aw, you’re not expendable, Reemus.
You’re just...
ZIRMOSES
Not relevant to the human genome.

LITA
I was going to say something
less...
SOCKIE
Honest?
LITA
Reemus, you’re just as important as
anyone else.

Zirmoses reaches into the Reclimator.

REEMUS
Oh, thanks Lita I-

LITA
Zirmoses!
Zirmoses retrieves a handfull of astro-mashand shoves it
into zirs mouth while looking inquisitvely at Lita.

ZIRMOSES
Hmmm?
LITA
You need to ask me before you just
take food from my reclimator!
 3.

ZIRMOSES
But... when I ask, you say no.
LITA
That’s because I can never afford
rent! Almost all my money ends up
going to support your twelve
stomachs.
REEMUS
Speaking of the rent , Lita I-

ZIRMOSES
You humans fail to understand that
the supply of food in the universe
is infinite; while credits are a
hypothetical concept... and I am
hungry!
LITA
Can’t you just eat from your own
reclimator, in your own pod, less
than a hubble scuttle away.
Lita motions towards the doorway.
Slightly awkward moment, as Zirmoses blankly stares.

ZIRMOSES
But I want to eat now.
A red light flashes as siren is heard.
SOCKIE
Attack! We’re under attack!
REEMUS
Oh no! What’s happening?
SOCKIE
We’re all gonna die!
ZIRMOSES
Shame.
LITA
Sockie! Who’s attacking us?
Red flashing light and siren stop.
SOCKIE
Nobody is attacking, I just wanted
some attention.
 4.

REEMUS
For the love of Spock, why would
you scare us like that?
SOCKIE
To get your attention... So I could
tell Lita that her visitor is about
to arrive!
Zirmoses perks up from zirs food. Reemus lets out a
squealish gasp.

REEMUS, ZIRMOSES
Visitor?!
LITA
(sheepishly)
Yeah, I told you guys about it
cycles ago?
ZIRMOSES
No, you didn’t.

LITA
Don’t you remember?
FLASHBACK TO OPENING SCENE

Oxalita Smith comes out of her room and sees that Sockie is
broken. Zirmoses is eating at the reclimator. Reemus is
looking at Sockie with concern.
REEMUS
Lita! Sockie is down!

LITA
Oh zap, I forgot about him. I
should fix him before Zev gets
here.

ZIRMOSES, REEMUS
Zev?!
Lita climbs up the stool to fix the control panel with the
hydrospanner as in the opening.

LITA
My old buddy Zevron Jones is coming
to visit. He should arrive any
cycle from now. Hey Reemus could
you pass me that hydrospanner?

CUTS BACK TO PRESENT

 5.

REEMUS
(Quick, agitated and alarmed.)
Well I don’t remember that at all!
You do know that any extended stay
requires rent!

LITA
He won’t be staying long.
REEMUS
(Repulsed)
Ewww, you haven’t started a
relationship have you?
LITA
Yeah. And he’s taking me far far
away from this jenky hole of
humanity. Somewhere with natural
warmth, double suns and endless
beaches. It’s in the crab nebula.
REEMUS
(Genuinely concerned.)
Lita, no, it’s a trap! Do you not
know how unclean and utterly
dangerous an inter-human
relationship can be? Not to mention
the diseases on the Crab nebula...

Lita winks at Reemus. Reemus flinches, fidgets and gasps.

ZIRMOSES
(To Lita)
I don’t think he understands human
“sarcasm”.
REEMUS
I don’t want to!
Zirmoses laughs to zirself in an alien manner, heads towards
couch, and sits down.
LITA
Zev is just an old friend, not my
boyfriend. I haven’t seen him since
we were scrawny little earth scabs.
He’s just going to land here for a
click or two while we catch up and
he figures a couple things out.
REEMUS
I just don’t know about this.
 6.

ZIRMOSES
(Matter of factly)
That is because you are a clone.
SOCKIE
And clones don’t have souls!
Zirmoses and Sockie look at each other and nod. Lita slaps
Sockie.
LITA
Rude.
Reemus whimpers. Lita sighs
LITA
He just needs a place to park his
pod and I owe him. He was like a
brother back home.
ZIRMOSES
So you want to mate with him...

LITA
No! My species has evolutionary
traps set up so that we won’t mate
with our siblings.
Lita shakes her head. She thinks to herself "I hate all
these fuckers". Zirmoses gets up and heads toward the
reclimator again.
LITA
Nah-uh, no way! You’re done,
Zirmoses!
Zirmoses stops and looks towards Lita unabashed
ZIRMOSES
But I cannot possible meet your
visitor with so many empty
stomachs.
SOCKIE
Visitor approaching! Human Male age
22, with a six...

Lita cuts Sockie off.

LITA
(Commanding tone)
That’s enough! Please guys!
(Softer, sincere tone.)
(MORE)
 7.

LITA (cont’d)
Help me for once. He’s going to be
here any microcycle, please let him
get settled in here before you all
go completely blasters. He’s
probably unnerved as it is, you
know what it’s like to go through
customs.
Zirmoses hmmmppfffs.

REEMUS
I shall respect your request for
now, but I cannot say I am pleased.
Reemus and Zirmoses leave.

SOCKIE
Lita, a reminder, you are needed at
work in 10 minutes.
LITA
C’mon, Zev hurry up.

Airlock slides open on "C’mon". Zev hears "Zev hurry up".

Lita whirls around to the airlock.
ZEV
Well maybe if you would let me in.
LITA
Zev! Sockie, let him in!
Lita hurries towards airlock. Invisible field powers down to
allow Zevron Jones entrance.
Zev enters the Room, and makes an oddly pitched grandoise
throat clicking, purring, chirping noise display to greet
Lita.

LITA
(Playful)
Wow, impressive. Look at the big
shot Xenolinguist!
ZEV
That roughly means, "Hello" in
Opollo.
LITA
You remember how we say hi, right?
 8.

On Cue, Lita and Zev initaite a long complex hand slapping/

hand shake dance they obviously made up as kids. They both
are really happy and lightly laughing, giggling.
Lita then hugs Zev. Zev is awkward and then when the hug is
ending tries to reciprocate making the hug more awkward.
They both kinda laugh snicker and smirk at their awkwardness
like its old times.
LITA
Glad to see you’re still you, Zev.

ZEV
Yup, my gift and my curse. How are
things out here? Those asteroids
don’t get too close do they?

LITA
Ahh those, you’ll get used to that.
It’s the locals you need to fear.
Zev looks quizzical.

SOCKIE
Sorry for the interruption, folks!
Lita your third shift starts in 7
minutes!

LITA
Thanks, Sockie!
ZEV
Oh Zing! You have a Socklovian?!
Super stellar!

Zev laughs to himself.

ZEV
...And I thought these had all been
strangled eons ago!

Sockie gasps.
SOCKIE
That’s not cool, college boy!

LITA
Yeah... it’s the only TV we can get
way out here but he grows on you.
Not literally. That would be
horrible.
 9.

ZEV
Ha, that’s great, a sockloavian.
SOCKIE
(mockingly)
Ha, that’s great, an obsolete waste
of oxygen.
LITA
(scoldingly)
Sockie!

SOCKIE
Well he started it! You heard his
strangle talk.
(To Zev)
And I’m warning you, you lay one
hand on me and the first
transmission I send is to those
loan sharks your hiding from.
LITA
Wait, loan sharks?

Zev grabs Sockie’s mouth and holds it shut. Sockie makes

muffled noises.
LITA
Stop biffing around, Zev. What is
he talking about?
ZEV
Nothing, there’s just a tiny little
student loan payment that I’m a
little bit late on.

LITA
Oh no! Is it that bad?
Sockie gets free from Zev’s grasp.

SOCKIE
They’ve sent Paddington and The Pug
after him!
LITA
What? From that annoying reality
show?
ZEV
Wait, really. I love those guys!
 10.

SOCKIE
They’re the baddest, the meanest,
and the most entertaining debt
collectors on GBC’s Wednessday
Night Loank Shark Sunday Lineup.

LITA
They’re coming here? Oh, no Zev
why?
ZEV
I’m sorry, Lita! I meant to tell
you all about it before I left but
I was in such a hurry. Don’t worry
they wont find us here!
SOCKIE
Unless someone calls them.
LITA
So that’s why you came all the way
to the other side of Neptune?

Zev nods yes.

ZEV
You’ve heard what happens to people
like me. Ever since the Rosetta
stone implant hit, all the
translators have been rounded up,
character wiped, and either thrown
in the Hydrogen Mines of Saturn or
fed to the humanitarians.

LITA
(Sighs)
Well, you can hide out here. Oh
Zev, being clever was never your
strong suit.

SOCKIE
(interrupting Zevron)
Lita, forget about him! Your third
shift starts in 5 minutes. You
still have an income. Don’t let
this loser drag you down!

LITA
Ahh sorry Zev, bare with me. I need
my work tunic.
Lita quickly scampers off screen.
 11.

ZEV
(To Lita off screen)
So what about you? I haven’t seen
you on the intergalactic
bestsellers list yet. When is the
long overdue great work of Oxalita
Smith going to finally hit the
planetaries?

LITA
Thanks Zev, but I’m bartending at
The Little Dipper now. I guess I
didn’t tell you?
ZEV
They let humans bartend there?
LITA
Well not all humans, and I don’t
handle anything that might vaporize
me. But the tips are pretty
good..., I mean for a place like
the Lil’ Dip.
Zirmoses enters the frame and stops to check out Zev. All of
Zev’s attention is now on Zirmoses.

Zirmoses starts the reclimator.

Zev clears his throat, takes a deep breath, and attempts to
communicate to Zirmoses in his native tongue. He extends his
arm towards Zirmoses like one would extend their hand to a
dog, to try and get zir to sniff it.
ZIRMOSES
You’re not diseased are you?
ZEV
What? No, I was just offering you
my hand...
ZIRMOSES
No thank you, I’ve just eaten.

ZEV
Oh... we were taught in my alien
cultural studies class that the
Bamoran ritual greeting is to offer
your hand for the other to smell.

ZIRMOSES
Yes, well, I am a Gelkin and our
ritual is to consume and digest
you!
 12.

ZEV
(uncomfortable)
But you look just like a Bamoran...
ZIRMOSES
I’m sure all us aliens look the
same to you.
ZEV
Your accent...that fur ...I thought
for sure that you were...

ZIRMOSES
Of course I’m a Bamoran. That was
an earth joke that I was playing on
you. I will smell your hand.

Zirmoses smells Zev’s hand.

ZIRMOSES
I smell delousing chemicals, and...
desperation?

Zev has a "huh"? expression on his face. He smells his own

hand and Zirmosis slaps his hand, making him slap himself.
ZEV
What the Favre!

ZIRMOSES
Lita led me to believe that you
were an intelligent human, but
having met you, I no longer accept
this.

Zev makes an attempt to communicate with a weird alien noise

and movement with Zirmoses.
Zirmoses acts humored and perplexed.

ZIRMOSES
I have the Rosetta stone implant.
There’s no need to risk
hemorrhaging your brain trying to
speak Bamoran.

ZEV
Oh, you have that... How is it
working for you? Any problems
updating it.
 13.

ZIRMOSES
No major incidents. Much better
than any translator.
ZEV
(deflated)
Yeah, so I’ve heard.
SOCKIE
HA!

Lita enters and heads for the door.

LITA
Alright, Zev I have to run. I’ll be
back in three macrocycles.

ZEV
Lita, what was it you were saying
about the locals?
LITA
Oh that’s just Zirmoses. His pod
unfortunately neighbors this one.
He’s... okay. Sort of. Sorry Zev, I
really need to get to work before
my boss supernovas.
Lita is in a hurry to get out the door. She hesitates and
turns around to face Zev.
LITA
Just make sure he doesn’t eat us
out of the few credits that are
left.
(To Zirmoses)
And Zirmoses, no puffing of your
erogenous glands around Zev! I mean
it, leave this one’s organ alone.
Have fun Zev, make yourself at
home.
Lita heads out of the airlock in a hurry. There is an
awkward pause after she leaves.
ZIRMOSES
You are Zevron Jones, I am
Zirmoses. We are acquainted now.
Would you like me to pleasure you?
ZEV
No...
 14.

ZIRMOSES
That seems counter intuitive.
SOCKIE
Zap! Even by human standards this
is one stupid son of a bang, what
did you get too close to a solar
flair or something?
ZEV
Look, I think we got started off
all wrong.
SOCKIE
Don’t care, too late, already hate
you.

ZEV
But really I’ve always been a huge
fan of Sockloavians.
SOCKIE
Hey Earth jerk. Someone’s at the
door.
Zev whirls around to see Felia, a Gepettos Observant
standing at the doorway.
ZEV
(To Sockie)
Uhh do I let her in?
Sockie is amusing himself.
Zev looks to Zirmoses for help.

ZIRMOSES
I told you! I’m Bamoran, not
Gelkin. I can’t see the future!

Zev is very unsure of what to do. Felia looks very pitiful.

ZEV
Umm, let her... in?
Invisible barrier powers down to let in Felia.

SOCKIE
Ha! Way to go, genius. You just let
in a Petto!
 15.

ZEV
A what?
Felia looks at Zev thankfully and earnestly.
FELIA
You. You let me in...., I have
traveled four thousand light years,
knocked on countless pods, and
you... only you have let me in.

ZEV
Oh... Good.
FELIA
(breaking into song)
YOU LEEET ME IIIN! AND NOOOW, I
AAAAM INSIIIIDE!
Felia realizes what she is doing and stops herself.
FELIA
Forgive me, I am Sister Felia of
the Planetary Corporation of the
Geppetto’s Observants and you are?
ZEV
(Apprehensively)
Ahh... I’m ahh, Zevron...

FELIA
(Giddily)
And have you accepted Gepetto’s
infinite wood?

Zev is confused.
FELIA
Do you seek salvation in the
effervescent plane of the blue
fairy? Do you live in fear of the
great whale?
ZEV
No... should I?

FELIA
Those who live in search for the
great blowhole never need to fear
the great whale, for they walk in
the footsteps of the real boy!
 16.

ZEV
I don’t really know what you’re
talking about. If you’re trying to
sell something, I don’t have any
money.

FELIA:
There is no need to concern
yourself with your worldly strings.
we are all carved from Gepetto’s
wood and sculpted just as the real
boy! No strings brother! No
strings...
ZEV
I’m confused, What do you want from
me?

FELIA
I only want to guide your escape
from the unsanitary shores of
pleasure island. Let me be your
cricket, brother Zevron!

ZIRMOSES
Pleasure Island? That sounds
exquisite.
FELIA
Restrain yourself! For it is a
terrible place with dice, and loose
women, and a pool!
ZEV
Well that sounds like a lot of fun.
I love swimming pools. Is it
heated?
FELIA
(Gravely)
Yes... to slightly higher than room
temperature, and there’s a
volleyball net.
ZIRMOSES
Mmm... I love volleyball.

FELIA
(Offended gasp)
Your ass-like ways will bring the
wrath of the great whale upon you!
Be warned!
 17.

ZIRMOSES
If I may... how exactly will a
giant whale breach the astronomical
spacial gap between Earth and
Neptune to punish us for our
transgressions?
FELIA
It... Well ideally, circumstances
would draw you to the earth, where
you would traverse a great ocean in
a wooden rowboat... Although
perhaps the whale is a metaphor...
ZIRMOSES
How can the whale be both physical
and metaphorical?

Felia sighs...
FELIA
Well the Blue Fairy’s magic is both
powerful and mysterious...

TIME LAPSE. IN VERY FAST MOTION WE SEE FELIA SPEAKING TO

THEM WITH LARGE SWEEPING MOTIONS, THEN SINGING AND DANCING.
AS THE TIME LAPSE ENDS, SHE IS OUT OF BREATH.
ZEV
So Pleasure Island is actually
inside the great whale?
FELIA
Yes!

ZEV
And so are the salt mines?
FELIA
I... think so.

ZEV
And that doesn’t sound strange to
you?
FELIA
No, why should that sound strange?
TIME LAPSE. ZEV AND ZIRMOSES STAND UP TO TALK, AND DRAW A
DIAGRAM OF A WHALE’S BIOLOGY, AND JUMP AROUND. TIME LAPSE
ENDS BOTH ZEVRON AND ZIRMOSES LOOK FRUSTRATED.
 18.

ZEV
...and that’s because whales cannot
fly through space.
FELIA
That’s not true! You’re trying to
make me splinter from the wood!
Asses! Asses both of you!
ZEV
This just doesn’t make any sense to
us!
FELIA
You just have to understand that
everyone and everything was carved
from Geppetto’s wood.

ZEV
But what relevance does wood have
in our futuristic space society.
SOCKIE
Well let me tell you!
Music starts playing and images of the wood industry are
shown on Sockie’s screen.
SOCKIE
Wood makes fire, and paper and
pencils too..
(ect.)
After a few lines, Zirmoses walks over to the TV and mutes
Sockie. Sockie continues to sing and the images continue to
play on the screen.
ZIRMOSES
Regardless of how useful wood still
is in our society, it can hardly
make up for the pleasure you
deprive yourself of.
FELIA
But, Geppetto Observants live
strictly pleasureless lives. It is
our way!
ZEV
Thats awful. Why would you want to
live a life without pleasure?
What’s the point?
 19.

FELIA
Because pleasure is horrible! It
leads to pain and suffering.

ZEV
Do you understand what pleasure
means?
ZIRMOSES
Pleasure feels good! That is the
point!
FELIA
You’re lying! Pleasure is painful
and horrible... but your noses do
not grow... could this be true?
ZEV
Felia, listen to your cricket.
FELIA
I suppose that maybe... I could try
just a little bit of pleaure. Just
to make sure it’s so horrible.
ZIRMOSES
Good, what is it you desire

FELIA
I want water... with ice in it!
ZEV
How about I get you an Astro-Brew?
FELIA
Okay, I’ll have one of those!
Zev goes to the reclimator, Zirmoses makes Zor way over to
Felia.
ZIRMOSES
Your new found interest in pleasure
inspires me. May I offer a
suggestion?

She nods and Ze whispers in her ear. Zev is pulling a beer

off of a six pack.
FELIA
Oh yes, let’s do that right now!

She jumps up and grabs Zirmoses’ hand and the remaining five
beers and leads the way to Litas bedroom door which they
enter.
 20.

Zev is confused for a second then un mutes Sockie, sits down

on the sofa and cracks open a cold one.
ZEV
What just happened here?

SOCKIE
Please, like you had a chance!
Zev just glares at Sockie and holds his hands as if he were
strangling him.

SOCKIE
The people who are looking for you
are just one transmission
away. Don’t ever forget that
college boy.

Zev drinks the beer. Reemus enters.

REEMUS
Lita! Lita?!

ZEV
Lita’s at work, who are you.
REEMUS
Who am I? Who are you?!? And
where’s Lita.

ZEV
I’m Zevron, and Lita’s still at
work.
REEMUS
I don’t care. Do you have rent?
ZEV
It can’t be much, I’ve only been
here five cycles. I’m sorry who are
you?

REEMUS
Reemus, and as superintendent of
Venusian Gardens, and let it be
known that I have complete and
total authority over everything you
do!
ZEV
Okay.
 21.

REEMUS
So you must be the visitor I have
heard about? Tell me, do you intend
to have an inter-human relationship
with Lita?

ZEV
I... don’t think I need to answer
that question.
SOCKIE
You got nothing to worry about,
Reemy, he’s got no game!
REEMUS
I’m afraid I must strictly forbid
any sort of physical intimacy in
the complex! That sort of thing
almost always leads to suffering,
and I won’t let it compromise the
simple and functional existence
Lita enjoys here!

Zev glances back at the bedroom where strange sounds are

coming from.
ZEV
Right

REEMUS
I’m watching you! Don’t think for a
microcycle that I don’t see through
your ruse!

SOCKIE
Yeah! Show him who runs this tank!
Lita enters, looking tired.
LITA
What going on here?
Reemus is paralyzed with anxiety.
ZEV
He was explaining to me that
inter-human relationships are
forbidden on this pod cluster.
REEMUS
I was just... making sure he wasn’t
some kind of sexual fiend, Lita.
You know I couldn’t stand for
(MORE)
 22.

REEMUS (cont’d)
someone like that living in
Venusian Gardens, right under my
very nose!

The door to the bedroom opens. Zirmoses and Felia walk out
with messy hair, etc.
LITA
What the-
FELIA
(In song)
I have brooooken free from my
chains, and I’m sooo happy nooow!
Nooo one can hold me back! Zirmoses
showed me hoooow!
LITA
Zirmoses... oh no. Not in my room!

ZIRMOSES
Lita, this is sister Felia of the
Geppetto’s Observants. She has come
to teach us of pleasure.
REEMUS
What?
FELIA
I’m leaving my old life of
discipline and order, for a
depraved existence of gambling,
salt mining, and lots and lots of
that!
Felia points to the points to the bedroom as she says
"that".

REEMUS
Ah, you want to rent a pod here?
FELIA
Can I share a living space with
Zirmoses? My furry filth-cricket?
SOCKIE
Yuck!
REEMUS
This is fantastic! You can pay me
to compensate for Lita’s financial
negligence! Come to my office and
register yourself!
 23.

Felia and Reemus leave.

LITA
Zirmoses, you’re cleaning it up.
ZEV
Cleaning what up?
Lita gives Zev a grave look. Zirmoses grabs a bucket of
water and a space-mop and goes into the bedroom.

LITA
How could you let that happen, Zev?
ZEV
I’m not sure exactly what happened!

SOCKIE
He’s not lying. He really is that
stupid.
LITA
First of all, you let a Petto into
my pod! This is a dangerous part of
the solar system, you shouldn’t be
letting strangers in here at all,
let alone religous fanatics. And
secondly, you should NEVER let
Zirmoses into my bedroom!

ZEV
Oh, I’m sorry Lita... but I have
good news!
SOCKIE
You got a job?! Oh wait no, you’re
worthless.
LITA
What’s the news?

ZEV
We were both carved from gepetto’s
infinte wood.
LITA
That’s great, Zev.
SOCKIE
Oh yeah, just thought you should
know. There is an vessel
approaching, jamming our
communication signals, and heading
(MORE)
 24.

SOCKIE (cont’d)
for the loading dock... I may have
called Paddington and The Pug on
you! Chump!

Dramatic music
ZEV
I also spent the last of your
credits on beer.

Dramatic music.
NARR
Will Jojo and Poodles catch up with
Zevron Jones? Will Oxalita Smith
get even with the customer who was
rude to her at work? What will
Zirmosis have for lunch? And who am
I? Find out next week on Space For
Rent!