BODY LANGUAGE 101: How to Attract Women with your Body Lang...

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AlbertMehrabian

professorofpsychologyatUCLA,cameupwiththetheorythattherearethreeelementsin
communication:words,toneofvoice,andnonverbalbehaviorincludingfacialexpressions,gestures,and
posture.Thesearealsoknownasthe3Vs:Verbal,Vocal,andVisual.
Heconductedhisstudyin1967,andpublishedarticlesintwojournals,JournalofConsulting
PsychologyandBritishJournalofSocialandClinicalPsychology.Whathewasreferringtowas
communicatingfeelingsandattitude,notcontent.
Wordsdocommunicatecontentbetterthanbodylanguage.Butintermsoffeeling,ifwordsdisagreed
withthetoneofsomeonesvoiceorposture,peopletendedtobelievethenonverbalcuesmorethanthe
words.Caseinpoint:
Verbal:Imbeinghonest.
Nonverbal:personavoidseyecontact,looksanxious,andhasclosedbodylanguage.

Inhisfirstarticle,hechosetwowords,dearandterribleandspokethesewordsindierenttonesto
hissubjectstoseehowimportantthemeaningofthewordwas.Hefoundvoicetonetobemoreinfluential
thantheworditself.
Inhissecondarticle,hedealtwithfacialexpressions.Heshowedsubjectsblackandwhitephotographsof
facialexpressionsandplayedataperecordingofvoicetonesayingthesinglewordindierentways.The
ratiohefoundbetweenfacialexpressionstovoicetoneinimportanceofcommunicationwas3:2.
Whenhecombinedtheresultsofhistwostudiestogether,hecameupwiththenowfamousratiothat
wordswere7%ofcommunication,voicetone38%,andnonverbalcues55%.
Laterstudiesbyotherprofessorsdidawaywithtaperecordingsandphotographsandincludedbody
postureandgestures.Whenbodygestureswereaddedwithfacialexpressionsasnonverbalbehavior,the
studiesverifiedevenfurthertheimportanceofnonverbalcues.
Hispointwaswecommunicateourfeelingsandattitudemorethroughbodylanguagethanthrough
verballanguage.
So,whenapproachingawoman,becausewomenaresoattunedtotheemotionalmessagesweconvey,its
importanttoknowhowwecommunicatetoherthroughourbody.Again,wordsdefinitelymatter.Itsa
mythtosaythattheydont.Buthowwesaythewordsorhowwefeelaboutthemisthedierence
betweenseeingblackandwhitewordsonapage,andseeingcolorfulwordsspokenwithlifeand
expression.
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betweenseeingblackandwhitewordsonapage,andseeingcolorfulwordsspokenwithlifeand
expression.
Forexample,takeoneofthemostclichdpickuplines:Ohyouresobeautiful.Youcanmakeitwork,
dependingonhowyousayit.YoucanactuallymakethewordsMEANcompletelydierentthings,
whetheryousayitinanangrytone,

orinatonethatobjectifiesher

orinajokingtone

orwithcompletesincerity.

Shellfeelwhateveremotionliesbehindthewordsandfeeleitherdrawntoitorturnedobyit.
Again,thisisnttosaywordsdontmatter.Theydo.Wordshavethemagicofcreatingaworld,areality,
andaframeofmind.Theymeansomething.Butwordsaremoreimportantwhencommunicatingcontent.
Whencommunicatingthefeelinginside,thebodycommunicatesthisfarmorepowerfully.Forexample,
thewordsaprofessorusestodeliveralectureareimportant,thatshowastudentlearnscontent.Buta
studentgetsasenseofhowtheprofessorfeelsaboutthecontentthroughhisvoicetoneandnonverbal
behavior.
Thisshedslightonhowtothinkaboutbodylanguage.Bodylanguageisntjustasetofgestures,facial
expressions,andvoicetones.Well,inaculturalsenseitis.Forexample,maketheOKsigninNorth
AmericaanditmeansOK,butinTurkeyitmeansgayman,inFranceworthless,andinJapan
money.

Or,inSaudiArabia,menholdhandstoshowmutualrespect,butinNorthAmerica,thatsasignof
homosexuality.

Butasmile,asurprisedface,tearsarenonverbalcuesthatcutacrosscultures.

Evencatsanddogsexpresshowtheyrefeelingthroughtheirbodiesandunderstanduswhenwereangry
oraectionatewithoutknowingourculturalwordsorbodysigns.

Asidefromculturalsigns,bodylanguageistheouterextensionofwhatyourefeelinginside.
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Asidefromculturalsigns,bodylanguageistheouterextensionofwhatyourefeelinginside.
Feelinsecureandyourbodywillhunchoverandyoureyeswilllower.

Feelconfidentandyourbodywillstandtallandyoureyeswilllookup.

Feellikeyouwanttoleave,andallofasuddenyourbodyispointingtowardsthedoor.

So,togetyourbodylanguageright,onesimplesolutionistoholdtherightthoughtorfeelinginyour
mindandbody.Yourbodywillnaturallyreflectthatthoughtorfeeling.
Inturn,thewomanyouretalkingwithwillfeelyourfeelinginherbody.Itslikeyawning.Whensomeone
yawns,otherpeopleyawn.

Theotherpeoplewhoyawnedseconddidntconsciouslydecidetoyawn.Theirbodiesfeltthetiredness
fromthefirstpersonandinturntheyfelttired.Likewise,awomanwillfeelthefeelingyourereflectingin
yourbodyinhers.Shellfeelyourinsecurityandshellwanttogetawaywithoutknowingexactlywhy.
Butifshefeelsyourrelaxedconfidenceandgreatmood,shellwanttostickaroundtofeelmoreofthose
wonderfulfeelings.Inthatsensebodylanguagecancreatesomeseriousgutlevelattraction.
So,whatstherightfeelingtoholdinyourmindandbody?

Relaxation,baby!Burnthatwordintoyourmind.Relaxed.Anytimeyourewonderinghowtositorstand
orwalk,think,WhatwouldIdoifIwerefeelingrelaxedandcomfortable?Imagineyourehomeby
yourselfandnotselfconscious.Thatshowyourbodyshouldbe.Forgetyoureinabarorcluborin
someoneelsesplace.Imagineyourerightathome,relaxedandcomfortable.Thiswillautomaticallycome
acrossasconfidence.
Thereverseistrue,too.WhatImeanisifyourefeelinganxious,nervous,orinsecurebutyouadoptthe
bodylanguageofrelaxationandcomfort,youllchangeyourfeelingfromanxietytocomfort,confidence,
andrelaxation.ThatswhybelowIllgooverspecificbodylanguage.
Fornow,dothislittleexercise.Putasmileonyourface.Itdoesnthavetobereal.Nowthinkofa
traumaticexperiencewhileyouresmiling.Canyoudoit?Youcant!Itsactuallyimpossibletofeela
negativeemotion,evenifitsafakesmile.
Samethinggoeswithaconfidentstance.Ifyoustandconfidently,youcannolongerfeelnervous.Onthe
otherhand,ifyoufeelconfidentandyouchangeyourbodyposturetolookinsecure,suddenlyyoullfeel
insecure.
Tomethatsayssomethingveryinterestingaboutthemindbodyconnectionprobleminphilosophy.
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p y

Mindandbodyareinterconnected,theyrenotseparatephenomena.Thatsawholeotherveryinteresting
story,though.Belowarespecificbodylanguagetopractice.
SITTINGDOWN:

Takeupmorespacethanusual.Sitbackinyourchair.Andbeasymmetric.Meaningyourshoulders
shouldntbesquareorsymmetricbutcomfortablyasymmetric.(credit:LanceMason)Ifyourshouldersare
squareyoucomeacrossasproperandsti,notcomfortable.Youreinyourhome,remember?
MOVEMENTS:

Allmovementsareathalfspeed.Andeverymovementhasadeliberatepurpose.Fidgetingisnotmoving
withpurpose.Itsaformoftension,notrelaxation.Whenindoubt,staystill,calm,andcollected.Theres
noneedtomovewhenyoudonthaveto.
STANDING:

Standupforasec.Standwithyourlegsdoubleshoulderwidthapart.Now,putallyourweightonone
leg.Slidetheotherlegtothelegwithalltheweightonit.YourfeetshouldmakeanLshape.Thefootof
thelegwithalltheweightshouldpointstraightaheadandtheotherfootshouldformtheL.Ifsomeone
weretopushyou,youdfallover.Butthatsthepoint.Youhavenofearanyonesgoingtopushyouover,
becauseyourefearless,becauseyouowntheroom.Moreimportantly,youllfeelandlookmore
comfortableinthisstance.Standinglikeaboxisanono.Youllcomeacrossassti.Beasymmetric.
Asymmetry=relaxed/natural.ThinkoftheclassicalGreeksculpturesthatlookednaturalversusthe
Egyptianstatuesthatlookedrigid.TheGreekstatueshadanasymmetricstancewhereastheEgyptianhad
asquareone.

LeanBack.HaveFatJoessongplayinginthebackofyourmind:Nowleanback,leanback,leanback,
leanback.Isaidmyn*&$asdontdance,SeewejustpullupthepantsandDotheRocaway,Nowlean
back,leanback,leanback,leanback.

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Thegreatthingaboutthisstanceisitshardtoleaninormovearoundunnecessarily.Staystilland
composed.
Whentalkingwithagirlatfirst,haveyourbodypartlyfacingawayfromher.

Itllmakeherfeelmorecomfortable.Itsasifyoucouldleave.Youresayingthroughyourbody,Imnot
goingtoentrapyouandbehereforever.
Bycontrast,ifyoufacehersquarelyitcanfeelconfrontational.Dontdothis.

Anddontstandlikethis.

StandWITHher,notoneononeagainsther.Haveyourbodyfacenexttohersatanalmostdiagonal
line.Bonus:youcangetawaystandingclosertoher,whichmakesiteasiertokino.

Yetstandingsidebysidemakesherfeelfarmoreatease.
Withinacoupleofminutesoftheopener,leanyourbackagainstthebarorthewallorsitdownlettingthe
setyonwontstaylong.Yetmakeyourselfathome.Whenyoureleanedback,youlookandfeelmore
comfortableandconfident.

Also,itlooksasthoughthegirlishittingonYOU!CreditgoestoMysteryforthat.

AnothergreattipfromMystery:theresnoneedtodrinkinabar.Infact,drinkingcanputyouata
disadvantage.Bettertokeepyourmindclearandsharp.
Ifyoudohaveaglassinyourhand,keepitatyourside,ratherthanbyyourchest.Keepingitbyyourside
isrelaxed.Keepingitclosetoyourchesttenseanddefensive.Ingeneral,keepyourhandsbyyourside.
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Ifyoudohaveaglassinyourhand,keepitatyourside,ratherthanbyyourchest.Keepingitbyyourside
isrelaxed.Keepingitclosetoyourchesttenseanddefensive.Ingeneral,keepyourhandsbyyourside.

Handsbythesidecommunicateopenness,handsblockingtheheartorbellyisdefensive.Butifyoure
leanedback,itnaturallymakesyourhandsfeelcomfortabletoo.
Ifyourenotleanedbackyetandhavingyourhandsbyyoursidefeelsuncomfortable,putyourthumb
andmiddletogether,anditwillmakeyourhandsfeelmorecomfortable.

Youcanputyourhandsbehindyourback,too,whichliftsupthechestandkeepsyourheartareaopen.

Butthebestruleabouthandsisputthemwheretheyfeelmostcomfortable.Also,again,leanbackand
makeyourselffeelathome.Yourhandswillfeelathometoo.
SHOULDERS,CHEST,NECK,ANDJAW:
Relaxeverypartofyourbody.
Trythis.Exhaleadeepbreath.Canyoufeelhowrelaxedeverybodypartfeelsnow?Rememberthat
feelingandallowyourbodytofeelthisallthetime,eveninthemoststressfulsituations.
Bonus:whenyourbodyisrelaxed,yourbreathingdeepensandyourvoicenaturallydeepensaswell.And
asweallknow,BarryWhiteisalwaysapluswithwomen.

Heresanotherexercisetomaintaingoodbodylanguage.Liftupyourshoulders.Nowdropthemandlet
themhangback.

Yourshouldersshouldalwaysberelaxed.Whenyoureinsetorreallywhenyouretalkingtoanyone,ask
yourself,aremyshouldersrelaxed?anddropthemback.LanceMasononcesaidthatrelaxingyour
shoulderstakescareofrelaxingsomanyotherbodyparts.Itnaturallyliftsthechest.Itrelaxesyourneck.
And,thisishugelyimportant,itrelaxesyourjaw.

Itsimpossibletoseduceawomanwhenyourjawistense.(credit:LanceMason)

Whenyoureoutwithfriendslaughingandhavingagreattime,yourjawwillnaturallyrelax.

Andwhenyourentirebodyisrelaxed,shellrelaxherself.Whenshesrelaxed,nowshesinthemoodto
beseduced.Bonus:relaxingyourbodyduringsexallowsyoutolastlonger.
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beseduced.Bonus:relaxingyourbodyduringsexallowsyoutolastlonger.
WALKING:
WalkSLOWLY,relaxed.

Normallypeoplewalkintoavenuequickly,afraid,asiftheydontwanttobeseen,liketheydontbelong.
Butletpeoplecheckyouout.Youretheshit.Yourefearless.Takeyourtimewhenyouwalk,observe
whatsgoingon,takeinthescene.Thinkabouthowawesomeyouare,andhowmuchyouhavetooer
women.Youreinabsolutelynorushatall.Keepyourheadup,shouldersback,chestup.Relaxyourface
andbeam.Smile.Leadwithyourhiparea,whichincludesyoursex,notyourhead.ThinkJohnTravoltain
SaturdayNightFever.

Youllcomeacrossassexuallychargedandconfident.
OPENBODYLANGUAGEVS.DEFENSIVEBODYLANGUAGE:
Defensivebodylanguagecrossedarms,hunchedover.

Openbodylanguageexposedchestandbelly,erect,armsatthesidecomfortably.

Openbodylanguageiswarm,welcoming,friendly,andrelaxed.Defensivebodylanguageistense.Take
note.
THEAPPROACH:
Theapproachbeginsbeforeyousayyouropeningline.Ifyourbodylanguageisinsecurebeforeyouwalk
uptoagroupofwomen(ormixedgroupofmenandwomen),yourwalkandyourapproachisgoingto
flop,Iguaranteeit.Butifyourbodylanguageisslowandconfidentbeforeyouwalkup,whenyouarrive,
thesetwillpayattention.
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Dontwalktowardthesetinastraightline,becauseitwilltriggertheirdefensiveshields.Instead,walk
towardstheminasemicircle.Itslessconfrontationalandfriendlier.

MysterywastheonewhomadeaconnectionbetweentheTheHorseWhispererandapproaching
women.

Likehorses,womentakeonapreyrolewhentheyreapproachedbyusthepredator.Ofcourse,thats
thewrongwaytothinkaboutapproachingawoman,butthatshowitmightfeeltoher.Thatswhylike
horses,womentendtogooutinpacks.Andwhymenoftenhavenoproblemgoingoutalone.Because,
likehorses,womenwantsafety,comfort,andfun.Theycanfindsafetyinthosepacks.So,justasahorse
whisperersensitivetothehorsesneedforsafetyapproachesahorsewithoutbarginginonhim,sowe
guysmustapproachawomaninanonpredatoryfashion.Walkingtowardsherindirectlyinsemicircle
makesawomanfeelmorecomfortable.
Now,ifthesetisstandinginacircle,putyourhandintothemiddleofthecircletogeteveryones
attention.Yes,youregoingtointerruptthem,andyesitmayseemabitrudeatfirst.Butifyouresmiling,
beingfriendly,andaddingvalue,peopleusuallydontmind.
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attention.Yes,youregoingtointerruptthem,andyesitmayseemabitrudeatfirst.Butifyouresmiling,
beingfriendly,andaddingvalue,peopleusuallydontmind.

Nowstepbacktocommunicateyourenotathreat.Givethemasecondtosizeyouupbeforeyouopen
yourmouth.Theyliterallywontbeabletohearawordyousayuntiltheyhavesizedyouup.Ifyouallow
themthatsecondtoseeyou,theyremorelikelytopayattentiontowhatyoureabouttosay.(credit:Lance
Mason)
Iftheresaguyintheset,talktotheguyfirst,andshowhimrespect.Aslongasyoushowhimrespect,he
hasnoreasontoAMOGyou.Samegoesfortheunattractivefemalefriend.Talktoherfirstandgiveheras
muchattentionandrespectasyourtarget.Ifyoucanwinoverthetargetsfriend,youveeliminateda
potentialcockblock.Infact,shellgiveherfriendtoyou.Whileyoureinset,makeeyecontactwitheach
person,donotexcludeanyone.

Within3minutes,lockintothesetandmakeyourselfcomfortable.Leanbackonawallorsitdownand
leanbackinthechair.

Also,feelfreetomovearoundwithinthesetifyourestanding.Youdonthavetostayinoneplaceandbe
stuck.Forinstance,youcouldsaynoway!andbackaway.Whenagirlcomesafteryou,shessubtly
chasingyou.Andwhenyoutalkwithothers,moveovertothemandtalkfromtheside.
Strangersgenerallytalktoeachotherfromthefrontandfriendstalktoeachotherfromtheside,sotalkto
everyonefromtheside.
Andtouch!

Givehighfives,touchtheirarms,hug,putyourarmsaroundtheirshouldersforasec.Thenwhenyou
kinothetarget,shesjustanotherpersonintheset.Thebasicprinciplehereistotreatyoursetasfriends,
notstrangers.
GROOMINGANDDRESS:
Groominganddressisanextensionofbodylanguage.

Makesureyournailsarecut.Besideslookingcleaner,whenyournailsarecutyourelesslikelytohurther
whilefingeringher.

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Makesurefacial,nose,ear,andbodyhairsareundercontrol,anditdoesnthurttotrimthepubes.Make
sureyoureshowered,smellgood,yourteetharebrushed,andyourbreathisfresh.Mysteryoncesaidyou
couldbetheworldsgreatestpickupartist,butifyourbreathisbad,youregettingnowhere.

Fashionisasubjectforanotherarticle,butsuceittosaythatclothesarealanguageontoitself.Clothes
cancommunicateyouridentity,howtogetheryourlifeis,yourtaste,howsociallyfreeyouare,yoursocial
status,yoursexappeal,andyourmasculinity.Beawareofthemessageyouresendingoutwithyour
clothes.
VOICETONE:
Relax,andspeakslowly.Youllcomeacrossasauthoritativeandincontrol.Enunciate,especiallythefinaL
consonanTofyourwordS.Thismakesiteasierforpeopletounderstandyou,especiallyinloud
environments.Loweryourvoice,anduseyourdiaphragm.ThinkSantaslaughHoHoHo!

Thiswillalsomakeiteasiertoprojectyourvoiceasifonstage.Beexpressiveandfeelthewords.
Exaggeratetheemotionsifyouhaveto.

Enthusiasmcaptivates.Varythepace:talkslowinsomeparts,andfastintheexcitingparts.BradPonce
saidtheresmelodyinthewaywespeak.Whenwespeakweactuallysingtoeachother.Makesureyoure
singingtoher.Allthisispossiblewhenyouslowdown,relax,andenjoywhatyouretalkingabout.
MASCULINEBODYLANGUAGE:

Relaxationisattractivebecauseitsubcommunicatesconfidence.Italsocomesacrossasmasculinebecause
yourecomposed.Thisisanimportantpoint.Whenweemphasizeourmasculinetraitsinourbody
languagewebecomemoreattractivetowomen.Herearesomewaystobringoutourmasculinity:
Letherorientherselftoyoufirst.

Ifyourebothlookingstraightahead,letherbethefirstonetoturnherbodytofaceyours.Lethershow
interestfirst,soshestheonechasingyou.
Dontbreakeyecontactfirst.Whoeverbreakseyecontactfirstcommunicatessubmissiveness.Sinceyoure
theman,youneedtobethestrongerone.Letherbreakeyecontactfirst.
Takethelead.

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Whenwalkingsomewhere,putyourhandonthesmallofherback,andleadher.

Theressomethingabouttouchingthesmallofawomansbackthatdriveshercrazy.Youcantakeher
handandleadher,too.Pullhertowardsyou.Andduringsexorwhenyourecuddling,moveheraround
towhereyouwanthertobe.

ProtectherPhysically.

Opendoorsforherandgentlyguideherin.Pullachairoutforher.

Helpherwithhercoat.

Giveheryourjacketifshescold.Putyourarmaroundherandholdherclose.

Walkontheoutsideofthecurb.

Putyourbodybetweenherandanypotentialthreats.

Forexample,ifyourewalkingbyasketchyguyorabigdog,orifafightbreaksoutinabar,stand
betweenyourgirlandthethreat.Takeherawayfromdanger.Anddontbeafraidtohelpsomeoneinneed
ifyourewalkingdownthestreetonadate.

Obviously,dontdothistoimpressher,butdoitgenuinelybecauseyourethetypeofmanthatlooksout
forotherpeople.
CONCLUSION:
Themostimportantthingtokeepinmindistofeelrelaxedandgreatinside.

Inthemeantime,practicegoodbodylanguageuntilitbecomesnatural.Forexample,whenyouredriving,
askyourself,doIlookrelaxed?Whenyoureinset,askyourself,aremyshouldersrelaxed?HowwouldI
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Inthemeantime,practicegoodbodylanguageuntilitbecomesnatural.Forexample,whenyouredriving,
askyourself,doIlookrelaxed?Whenyoureinset,askyourself,aremyshouldersrelaxed?HowwouldI
standifwealreadykneweachother?AmIleanedbackanddoIfeelcomfortable?Awarenessofyour
bodyisamajorityofthebattle.
Butwhateveryoudopractice.Anddontjustpracticewhenyoureapproachingthemostbeautiful
women.Practiceeverydaythroughouttheday,atwork,inthecar,alone,withfriends.Thenwhenyoure
aroundthatwomanofparticularbeauty,confidentbodylanguagewillbeanatural.
Nowyoucansitback,relax,payattention,listen,andlethercometoyou.Therightbodylanguagewill
attractwomen,forsure.

Butevenbetter,itllchangeyourinnergame.

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