PUDDLES OF AN OPEN

PAIGE MELIN

BLAZEVOX[BOOKS]
Buffalo, New York

Puddles of an Open
by Paige Melin
Copyright 2016
Published by BlazeVOX [books]
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without
the publishers written permission, except for brief quotations in reviews.
Printed in the United States of America
Interior design, cover art, and typesetting by Geoffrey Gatza
First Edition
ISBN: 978-1-60964-236-5
Library of Congress Control Number: 2015954025
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no
he told me
yes I swear to you no no no
no
and
I remember thinking how dare eye I
that he was right at the time that he was exactly what
everyone thought about in the moment that women
like me
well
let me tell you about women like
me because he told me that we I mean me I mean he
we we are supposed to be hairy smelly yelling
shouting screaming (I am I swear it listen listen) no
he said no and I holy god I listened fucking listened
where was my mind my my where was I? I yes
holding this could happen he said and I said
someday I said Im trying he said maybe I said yes yes
someday but indignant how dare he how dare what
if and then and maybe possibly yes and someday I
hope he sees it someday cant put it off forever its
falling it came youre coming always come and onto
me he said no no when I said no well hold
different up
hold up different story different
ending no different narrator and no he said no no
and I said why the why and yes yes I listened I
listened I eye I

13

the night I
recall and screaming
remember
screaming cant let go of when I asked him
no cant
and say it there was something entering wanted to
but didnt you or him remember thinking that there
must be the way you and eyes on your lips curving
smile staring staring at me from your
called
him
cannot keep and nonetheless I yes I cannot
enter want to hold but not what permitted not
encouraged not discovered was still into recall
thinking that you must you must
there would be
nothing other than if you have that then what else
Im thinking could there other than ice or lies maybe
and when he no couldnt answer couldnt assure
because I didnt ask I kept silent nagging wanting but
silent and staring stare the nose perfect and it would
never be a never be a scoff and deny you always but
Im holding wonder was there something one
time
was there other and deny haunting I and I
Im avoiding nonsensical not permitted not not and I
never falling into not comprehension and abstain
from waiting he was asking I wanted I considered
deny and screaming but was there something hair
curling foreskin screaming I and I and I

14

never but here I never remember indignant

crashing
remember holding early morning and
just when you there was entry and intuit as if I
should have already did something maybe be deny
and push when and when I acceptance no delusion
no existence yes only holding he was something
there was and when I didnt want to couldnt not
entry and after cant let go of there is always
remember formulations affects but specifics and
nothingness I could have told you could have and
screaming but enter I said no I yes I walked and
when he didnt no there was how can I forever enter
eyes trailing tried to he yes indignant I and ice
telling
as if had known or knowing remember
screaming there was onto all over and on the it was
something should have didnt well I never made a bet
I never could never did and he keeps eyes and
indignant there was signal enigma I kept telling
enter always screaming and hold jagged and when
yes when there was ice storm and screaming couldnt
keep holding and when I yes there were never never
saw my my eyes cant remember can I tell you can
yes indignant and sent away unabashed he was there
and into when I cant never I was yes became and it
was inside it seeping into there was holding and

15

I
imagine I come into come and clean the could
enter and then and enter those this what and this
imagine those and eyes this could enter and into
what if eyes them and something about ice the ice
the why and when he no that could never sever must
and I and forget he this could eyes maybe he forgot
why and him and enter being nothing ever wrought
out image imagine entrance coming nothing next in
holding and enter remember then the eyes the
intense the entrance the yes and maybe and then I
could and remember and boring no not oh and yes
yes I whisper never so imagine I imagine I am
engaged with yes with other yes and imagine he eyes
he all yes and enter and imagine I yes I permit
peruse enter yes into he imagine I never I could I no
could yes I yes I eyes hold wrought out and torn
apart
I was thinking he never he could never
be
be what be that? be maybe I yes maybe kept
forgetting he could never and what if yes what if I
wanted
want I want to he might he well he waits
eyes I think eyes I think and no I could we could
never admit and admit and wrought out I am the
image comes and rains the clean it could never
I imagine but eyes eyes and pervade yes I can
cant this everything and he would never be other
than other
this is maybe I could help I could no
that imagine and yes I imagine those eyes

16

but not a victim

cant dont wont but I do gut
reaction instinct always already any term you want
to give it inevitably yes I yes I yet I admit and
couldnt help
couldnt hold
already it was well
curtains were closing night was falling just as well
simultaneously and just as truly suns were exploding
enlight enlive and in and then and yes I did it I admit
it admit it and yes I admit it because what else can I
do
hold back hold up tell a different story
no
and when he told me no I said I said well I said okay
I said and still going I said and could I do not not not
anything other just doing just breathing just playing
the victim because well because I drew back the
curtains too slowly
couldnt keep
couldnt fog
and smoke too too couldnt see my gut was too heavy
in the way he said no I said no no I said I admit it

17

wanted to eclipse you

running there was faster
and holding I was into
never exploring sifting
always and in the he said I remember all those there
what and I
wanted to as if nothing else
intuit
and collapse and I kept yes ran into there was and I
said motion: motion I said he said where are you
forever I said and infinite I said and maybe I said as
if running cant stop running cant enter or move out
of away from and it was yes eclipsing the yes I
remember the hold it still and in it intuit exit and
emote tell the story and the phrases running kept I
and stifle wanting other to wanting other than mix
and then I something and inside find deep incur
bottle and in the moments I was faster moving never
enter away from and smother eclipse and combine
into the yes I kept on too much and this is couldnt
think of anything other than this is what yes and
when I they were always coming up coming on
couldnt eclipse holding when I wanted to it was
there was I know and other it was I and never not I
could I maybe I eye turn eclipse turn
away

18