Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
F R
AUGH
Table of Contents
THE SIN OF LYING .......................................................... 3
LESSONS TO BE LEARNED FROM NOAHS ARK ..... 3
FINDING JESUS ................................................................ 4
THE NEW HOSPITAL WING .......................................... 6
THE ANGRY ANTHEIST ................................................. 7
THE COUPLE .................................................................... 8
THE POOR WOMAN ........................................................ 9
A NICKEL OR A DIME .................................................. 10
ISAIAH GOES FOR A WALK ........................................ 11
LITTLE ANGEL! ............................................................. 12
SUNDAY FUNNIES ........................................................ 13
THE ATHEIST AND THE SHARK ................................ 13
BE CAREFUL FOLLOWING THE CROWD ................. 15
WHO MAKES THE COFFEE?........................................ 17
A CHILDS POINT OF VIEW......................................... 17
THE BLIND DATE .......................................................... 18
GOD: AN ARTIST ........................................................... 19
THE FAINTED MAN ...................................................... 20
A WOMAN AT THE POST OFFICE .............................. 21
THE LUNATIC ................................................................ 21
A NEW BEGINNING ...................................................... 22
THE HAM SANDWICH .................................................. 24
THE ANGRY WIFE ......................................................... 24
THE FUNERAL ............................................................... 26
Four: Stay fit. When youre 600 years old someone may ask
you to do something really big. Five: Dont listen to critics,
just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your
future on high ground. Seven: For safetys sake travel in
pairs. Eight: Speed isnt everything. The snails were on
board with the cheetahs. Nine: When youre stressed, float
awhile. Ten: Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the
Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when
you are with God theres always a rainbow waiting.
FINDING JESUS
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into
the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns
and notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to
find Jesus?
The drunk looks back and says, Yes, Preacher, I sure am.
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the preacher
asked.
Nooo, I didnt! said the drunk.
The preachers then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found
Jesus?
Nooo, I have not, Reverend.
The preacher in disgust holds the man for at least 30 seconds
this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh
tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, Are
you sure this is where he fell in?
THE COUPLE
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As
they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife
asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours?
A NICKEL OR A DIME
Theres a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the
local grocery store. The manager doesnt know what
Juniors problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys
say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a
happy meal. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his
choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the
nickel. They say because its bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager
got him off to one side and said, Junior, those boys are
10
making fun of you. They think you dont know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel
because its bigger, or what? Junior said, No sir, you see
if I took the dime, theyd quit doing it!
11
LITTLE ANGEL!
Little Johnnys new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, Whered he come from? He came
from heaven, Johnny.
Johnny responded, Wow! I can see why they threw him
out!
12
SUNDAY FUNNIES
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast
as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran
she prayed. Dear Lord, please dont let me be late! As she
was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,
brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she
once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please dont let me be
late But pleased dont shove me either!
13
14
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark
start to close down on him, when all of a sudden the shark
stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes
its eyes and bows its head and says, Thank you Lord for the
food for which I am about to receive
the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing,
the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too.
When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit
stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits.
Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so
the missionary stands up, too.
Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few
people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no
one else is standing. So he sits down.
After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the
preacher. I take it you dont speak Spanish, the preacher
says.
The missionary replies, No, I dont. Is that obvious?
16
17
18
GOD: AN ARTIST
Miss Anderson, a Sunday school teacher, began her lesson
with a question. Boy and girls, what do we know about
God? A hand shot up in the air. He is an artist! said six
year old Roger. ReallyHow do you? the teacher asked.
19
20
THE LUNATIC
Benny is an old guy who refuses to allow age to dictate what
he should or shouldnt do. One day he was driving home in
his Volvo from work when his wife rings him on his car
phone. Honey, she says in a worried voice. Be careful!
21
There was a bit on news just now, some lunatic is driving the
wrong way down the highway. To which Benny replies,
Its worse than that there are hundreds of them!
A NEW BEGINNING
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that
man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So
they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were
done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, God, weve
decided that we no longer need you. Were to the point that
we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why
dont you just go on and get lost.
22
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the
scientist was done talking, God said, Very well, how about
this?
Lets say we have a man-making contest. To which the
scientist replied, Okay, great!
But God added, Now, were going to do this just like I did
back in the old days with Adam.
The scientist said, Sure, no problem and bent down and
grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, No, no, no. You go get your
own dirt!
23
24
8 year old son, Dennis, to use his own phone to pass across
an urgent message to his daddy who was on a business trip.
After Dennis had called, he got back to his Mother to inform
her that there was a lady that picked up Daddys phone the
three times he tried reaching Dad on the mobile. Without
asking for details, Sandra waited impatiently for he husband
to return and upon seeing him in the driveway; she rushed
out and gave him a tight slap. Then she slapped him again
for good measure.
The neighbors rushed around to find out what the cause of
the commotion was. Sandra shouted at her husband, Go on,
tell everyone who she is.
When the confused man made a motion to suggest he has no
idea what she was talking about. Sandra pulled Dennis,
your dad seems to be losing his memory, tell everybody
what the lady said. To which Dennis replied, The lady kept
25
THE FUNERAL
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died due to how
far he lives, Marcus called his brother, apologizing for
leaving such huge responsibility to him who is sometimes
slow to comprehend logic. In the course of speaking, just to
make his brother feel better, Marcus said, You know what?
Just do something nice for Dad on my behalf and send me
the bill. Later, Marcus got a bill for $200, which he paid.
The next month, he got another bill for $200, which he also
paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200
kept arriving for another two months prompting Marcus to
call his brother to find out what was going on. Well, said
26
HOSPITAL ADMISSION
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for
coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the
groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, the nun said while
patting his hand. We do have to know, however, how you
intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by
insurance?
27
28
OVERSIZED LUGGAGE
Janet, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day
as a passenger tried to stuff his unusually large hand luggage
into the overhead bin of the plane. As other passengers were
getting impatient waiting on the aisle, Janet was also getting
worried that the incidence might cause delay, so she finally
29
30
ANNES LUGGAGE
Anne was heading home for the holidays, from school.
When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket
to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she said,
Id like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my
red suitcase to London. The confused agent said, Im
sorry, we cant do that. To which Anne remarked, Really?
I am so relieved to hear you say that because thats exactly
what you did to my luggage last year!
31
LOTS WIFE
The Sunday school teacher had just finished the lesson. She
had taught the portion of the Bible that told of how Lots
wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. She then
asked if anyone had any questions or comments.
Little Jeremy raised his hand. My mommy looked back
once when she was driving and she turned into a telephone
pole!
SUNDAY MORNING
Picture it: Rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and
the devil decides to pay a visit.
32
The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with
the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run
outdoors, screaming all except for two. One is the Pastor,
the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says,
You! I can understand why you didnt run away, you are in
your Lords house, you preach against me every day and you
arent afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why
didnt you run out scared like everyone else?
The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, Why,
Im surprised you dont recognize me Ive been married
to your sister for 36 years!
33
34
35
be
taken
until
youve
had
your
First
36
37
The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts, Praise the
Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan
pay for the groceries!!
38
AN ATHEIST
A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies
explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist.
She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing
what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their
hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named
Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks
her why she has decided to be different.
Because Im not an atheist.
39
40
A POINT OF VIEW
An English professor wrote the words, A woman without
her man is nothing on the blackboard and directed the
students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: A woman, without her man, is nothing.
The women wrote: A woman: without her, man is nothing.
41
Later that day when the Evangelist and her husband were
over for dinner. The Evangelist began to feel bad. Holding
her head she said, I have such a terrible headache!
The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile
that any little child could give. Then she said, Thats
because its empty, you have to put something into!
42
TEN THOUGHTS
1. Prayer is not a spare wheel that you pull out when in
trouble. It is a steering wheel that directs us in the right path
throughout life.
2. Do you know why a cars windshield is so large and the
rear view mirror is so small? Because our past is not as
important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.
3. Friendship is like a book. It takes few seconds to burn, but
it takes years to write.
4. All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it; it
may not last forever. If going wrong, dont worry; it may not
last long either.
5. Old friends are like gold! New friends are diamonds! If
you get a diamond, dont forget the gold! Because to hold a
diamond, you always need a base of gold!
43
6. Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, God
smiles and says, Relax, its just a bend, not the end!
7. When God solves your problems, you have faith in His
abilities; when God doesnt solve your problems, He has
faith in your abilities.
8. A blind man asked St. Anthony: Can there be anything
worse than losing eye sight?
He replied: Yes, losing your vision.
9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses
them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy,
remember that someone has prayed for you.
10. Worrying does not take away tomorrows troubles. It
takes away todays peace.
44
EXPLAIN THAT!
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her four-year
old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the
shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
Mommy, what happened to him? the little boy asked.
He died and went to heaven, she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, And God threw
him back down?
45
shouted
the
man.
The
donkey
stopped
46
Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this
mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN.
47
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