We had hours

and hours of a gray a?ernoon to kill in Dayton, Ohio, so upand down the streets
we drove, aimlessly searching for something to make the timego by. ?e music stor
e we soon stumbled upon had Sean Hannity audio books on prominent display and wa
s littered with troughs packed full of obscure moviesfrom the 80 s that you could
tell would eventually die a slow death in some rotting garbage dump.Disappointed
, we le? and headed up the road a bit, passing non-descriptstorefronts and shops
until ?nally spotting a bookstore on the corner. Perfect: it salways easy to kill
time in a bookstore. We walked in, out of the rain.It was quickly apparent that
this was a strange store we had stumbled upon.Stu?ed animals hung low from the
ceiling and the ?rst few shelves were all fullof children s novels, so I initially
assumed it was a family-friendly establishmentor something along those lines, stu
?ed with inane fare running the gamut fromGoosebumps to Chicken Soup for the Corp
orate Lawyer s Soul. But then, rightnext to all the kid books began an extensive po
rn section, including scores of weird, worn dirty paperbacks that appeared to h
ark from the 60s or 70s. ?ere was no signi?cant division between the sections, s
o You re a Good Man, CharlieBrown rubbed covers with Slutty Leather-Clad Hooker Bitch
es. Weird, Ithought, ducking my head to avoid a dangling teddy bear.A nutty book
store was a good sign. My main goal was to ?nd bizarre booksto ridicule in You I
diot, and I hit pay dirt a few aisles over in the New Age section, when my eyes spi
ed a battered, frayed copy of a book that looked to ?t thebill nicely. ?e Magick o
f Chant-o-Matics I said aloud as I pulled it out, immediatelyrecognizing that thi
s could be good stu? weird, obsolete pseudo-science (if youcould even call it
that
) peddled to the desperate many years ago, now a neglectedartifact tucked away i
n a weird bookstore. ?e book promised to enable you toobtain power, money, health
and protection at any time, any place and with aminimum of e?ort. Hey, sign me u
p!Next to it were two other similarly-themed tomes entitled ?e Miracle of PsychoCommand Power and ?e Magic of New Ishtar Power. I picked up allthree, assuming it w
ould be six dollars well spent.Once I got to the club we were playing at that ni
ght, I ?ipped throughthe trio and began cracking up uncontrollably at the conten
ts. ?e common
! What s the hold up?! , and then Buckland mouthing the words Oh
Fuck
, as his eyes widen, running to his typewriter and pounding out bullshitas fast a
s possible.Actually, what am I saying? He wouldn t have panicked; he would havesim
ply smiled, lit a candle, and chanted away:Screwed, screwed, screwedMe, me, meWr
ite, write, writeBook, Book, Book!Neblor el na noo!!And POOF! appeared the compl
eted manuscript for Chant-o-Matics.
From You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff
The Miracle of Psycho -Command Power
Putting the rantings of Buckland aside, I turned myattention to ?e Miracle of Ps
ycho-Command Power.?is one seemed to take things a step further, making the art
of Chant-o-matics look like grueling labor. With Psycho-Command Power, if you wa
nt to rulethe planet you don t have to waste precious secondsburning incense and m
umbling some gibberish you just say the Supreme Command and all you wish for is Presto y
ours! I speak quite literally author ScottReed claims that if you want a new car,
for example, you just say his command and a car will suddenly appearout of thin ai
r. Well, out of bubbles, to be precise. Takea look at this illustration:I was ta
ken aback the ?rst time I came across this picture, wondering if Reed wasbeing l
iteral with his claims. Was he actually saying he could create a 2,000 pound veh
icle out of bubbles simply by saying a few words? It was hard to tell based onth
e crazy, haphazard writing. But I had to know. I ?ipped though the book, trying
to ?nd out exactly what he meant by Psycho-command Power , and how preciselythis po
wer went about creating steel out of bubbles.?e answer was di?cult to pinpoint.
Reed describes the Power in manycolorful ways (a Pocket Insta-Commander, a cosmic b
ank account, an Automatic Genius Maker, a a Psychic Window More Powerful than a Cryst
alBall, and a Speed-O-Matic Desire Bringer - More Powerful ?an a BillionAtom Bombs

! ), SUDDENLY SWITCHING TO ALL CAPITAL LETTERSFOR NO REASON as he writes and then

ending with a barrage of exclamation points!!!, but o?ers nothing that actually
sheds any light onto what the fuckhe s talking about. In his chapter headlines he
promises to help you FINDMAILBOX BULGING WITH MONEY! and show you HOW TO MAKEOTHER
S LOVE SLAVES TO YOUR MAGNETIC LOVE PULL, but theactual text is just random crazines
s.But then I ?nally came across a description for what psycho-command poweris (w
ell, sort of). Reed explains the Power thusly: it s like having an astral army
phanto
m legions of thousands upon thousands of invisible helpers at your beck andcall...
?is army consists of leprechauns, little people , mental brownies, and more.
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Oct 18, 2010 by nategang
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An excerpt from the book You Idiot by Nate Gangelhoff, this article examines biz
arre "secret to success" books from decades ago that promise you'll be become we
althy by chanting gibberish, or that ...
Show more
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