The Cross & Funny isn't it?

The young man was at the end of his rope.

Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer.
"Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear."
The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just
place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door
and pick out any cross you wish."
The man was filled with relief. Thank you, Lord, he sighed,
and he did as he was told.
Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some
so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross
leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered.
And the Lord replied, " My son, that is the cross you just brought in."
When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around
and see what other people are coping with.
You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.
YOUR CROSS Whatever your cross, whatever your pain. There
will always be sunshine after the rain.
Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,
But God's always have to believe, or think, or say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and
they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending
messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
FUNNY, ISN'T IT?
Are you laughing? Are you thinking? Spread the Word and give thanks to the Lord for He is good!Funny
isn't it when you go to forward this
message how many on your list are not receiving it because
you're not sure they believe in anything? Funny?.........Sad.
James 5:16
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for
another, that ye may be healed. The effectual
fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Romans 10:16
How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the
gospel of peace. Spread His Word!!!!
Last week I went to a seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr. Nicholas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.
He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress, which I would like to share with you. When you have
had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at
your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal
thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very
comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the
thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not
become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it
you will notice in small print the statement, "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY
tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control
at the Q-Tip Company."

13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR LIQUOR BOTTLES

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering.
You're not.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in vomiting in your car, on your sofa,
and down the front of your best friend's dress.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again
until your friends want to SMACK YOU.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying to see you at 4
a.m
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to wonder what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
really scary.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher than a 250-pound
boxer named Bubba.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that the police can't catch you. They can!
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby large gaps
of time may seem to disappear.
1. WARNING; Consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

1998 DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES

---------------------------BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole
he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said
Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the
wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on
the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw
their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge Va., but could not reach
him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead
at a hospital. You just wouldnt believe the outpouring of
concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids, Dare
County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

In February, Santiago Alvarado 24, was killed in Lompoc,

Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he
was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he
had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick

Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman,
23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak
vest Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in

Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a
revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel

Kolta, 27,and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning
a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who

totally zoned when he ran, according to his wife,
accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and

drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high

bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that
marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in
1990.

DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BES

In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a

millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted
off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to

clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of
a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N.J in September, and his wife Bonnie was also
injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at
2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out
the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice
that the window was closed.
Taking Amateur Night Too Far: In Betel, Colombia, an
annual festival in November includes five days of amateur
bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were
injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one
participant; Its just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons.

AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of

bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by
flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and
contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum
tissue, and Pamela Klesicks first two fingers of her right hand had
been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first
day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts
at him.
Im still not sure why I did it, she said later. I was
really close to the car, so I didnt think anyone would see. Besides, it
couldnt have been for more than two seconds. However, cab driver
Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and
into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental
technician, was cleaning Corcorans teeth. The crash of the cab against
the building making her jump, tearing Corcorans gums with a
cleaning pick.
In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesicks
hand. Moellers wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical
building.
TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after
eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she
had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned
herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors
suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began
to fill with a sour tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center,
only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam
from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a

trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.
My dog drags the thing all over the house, he said later. He must have

dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
dog and sat down right on the thing. The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendozas phone had opened
during insertion. He was a real trooper during the entire episode,
said Dr. Dennis Crobe. Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to
be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang
and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the
floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an
answering machine in there.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several

friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee jumped
from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation
grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of
the bridge at 4:30 a.m. upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge
they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of linemans
cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Binghams
leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet
before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued
by two nearby fishermen. All I can say, said Bingham, is that
God was watching out for me on that night. Theres just no other
explanation for it. Binghams foot was never located.

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is
baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over
his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy."
His mom slaps him and says "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm
a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your
Grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Look granny,
I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to
his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I have only been
white for five minutes and I already hate you black people."

AGE SUCKS

Signs that you are no longer a kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize.
People send you this list.
Three older gentlemen were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always
feel like you have to piss. And most of the time, you stand at the
toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy,
you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on
the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble pissing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I piss every morning at 6:00. I piss like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said,
"Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots

and control towers from around the world.
********************************************************
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made
a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female
ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult
for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller
in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married
to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty-do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing
between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand
dollars' worth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've
got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how
to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
"Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed
to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never
flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type
of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich

overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"

Amusing Quotes:
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest..
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night..
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers..
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine..
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory..
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty..
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it..
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't..
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe..
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged..
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower..
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you..
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges..
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet..
17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading..
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
> > They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but, especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and, then, slide back >
together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?">
> > > >> >
> > The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
> > never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
> >
> > While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
> > lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
>button.
> > The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
> > The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
>circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to> >

>watch until it reached the last number and, then, the numbers began to
light in the reverse order. >>
>> > > > >
> > Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
> > 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
>
>
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
>to his son, "Go get your mother."!

An Interview
I dreamed I had an interview with God. "Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"
"If you have the time," I said. God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything;
what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"
"What surprises you most about mankind?"
God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be
children again. That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.
That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the
present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived."
God's hands took mine and we were silent for awhile and then I asked "As a parent, what are some of life's
lessons you want your children to learn?"
God replied with a smile: "To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let
themselves be loved. To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they
have in their lives. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged
individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis! To learn that a rich person is not the
one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open
profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them. To learn to forgive by
practicing forgiveness. To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how
to express or show their feelings. To learn that money can buy everything but happiness. To learn that two
people can look at the same thing and see it totally different. To learn that a true friend is someone who
knows everything about them...and likes them anyway. To learn that it is not always enough that they be
forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves." I sat there for while enjoying the moment. I
thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied, "Anytime. I'm
here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer." People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did, but People will never forget how you made them feel.
Andy Rooney

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy
hunter,'"
==========================================
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year
to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece,
I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I
already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free
room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve
hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't
want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then
saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric

Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the
ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your
clothes.
==================================
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake
up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and
we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the
way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
==============================
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18%
that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and
they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly
about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"
(Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex
girls or $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'
Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church
of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn
in 'Heck'?
=================================
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your
grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you
wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
===============================
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are
back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================

Subject: 34 ways to annoy a person

1.Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
>>paper, 99 copies.
>>
>>2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
>>they slow down.
>>
>>3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
>>
>>4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to
>>others.

>>
>>5. Sing along at the opera.
>>
>>6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
>>conditions "to keep them tuned up."
>>
>>7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think.
>>
>>8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
>>
>>9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc" them to
>>your boss.
>>
>>10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
>>
>>11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
>>prophesy."
>>
>>12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
>>your ears.
>>
>>13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across
>>the room.
>>
>>14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
>>
>>15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green,insist
>>to others that you "like it that way."
>>
>>16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
>>
>>17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking
noise.
>>
>>18. Honk and wave to strangers.
>>
>>19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the breath
>>mints at the hostess stand.
>>
>>20. TYPE IN ALL UPPERCASE.
>>
>>21. type only in lowercase.
>>
>>22. don t use any punctuation either
>>
>>23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
>>freeway.
>>
>>24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear
>>that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
>>
>>25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
>>
>>26. Play the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping
>>on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I
>>messed it up," and repeat.

>>
>>27. Ask people what gender they are.
>>
>>28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like
>>a parakeet.
>>
>>29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
>>
>>30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
>>
>>31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
>>
>>32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the
>>answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological
profiles."
>>
>>33. Tell your friends four days prior that you can't attend their
party
>>because you're not in the mood.
>>
>>34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they
>>sent it to you or asked you not to send things like this.
>

Here,, see if any of this pertains to you.............

As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and
give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less
important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Attributed to Andy Rooney

The Way Life Ends is Unfair

(This is attributed to Andy Rooney)
>The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
And then you die.
What's that? A bonus?
I think the life-cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
>> You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby and go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...
Then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I like it.

Bad day at the office...

For all the scuba divers out there, this one will hit home!!!!
FYI - The "Brian" in the following letter is the son of a Boeing Computer Systems employee. The letter
is going to his sister and he is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. I'm sorry but his
experience should not be in vain. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this
letter. True story.
April, 1998
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can
tell you what happened to me,

I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the
sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece
of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver
through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used
it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the
hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working
in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This
only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked
up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy I once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to
my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes
before I could come to the surface.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I
got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told
me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two
days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if
the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your
day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office.
But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from
you soon.
Love, Brian

FW: bar jokes

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says
"Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next
day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the
problem was today the answer came back... "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the
third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Damn!
Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1
cent," says the bartender. "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The bartender replied, "Yes." So, the guy
glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a
salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?"
inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The
bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat
down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move,
he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I only have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
Bar jokes

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six > double vodkas." The barman says
"Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what
the problem was today the answer came back... "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said
"Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- -A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1
cent," says the bartender.
"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas,
and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the
guy.
"Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- --- -- Having had one too many, a bar drinker
was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her,
"Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I only have
an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

******* BEANS **********

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a
very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry, she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she
would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small
diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill
effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before
she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt
reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to
see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner
tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She
seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He
then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed
were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted

her weight to one cheek, and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like cabbage cooking in a high
school locker room on a hot August afternoon. She took her napkin and fanned
the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more. At this
point,it smelled like a bulk truck full of rotting potatoes running
over a skunk farm in front of the Dow Industrial Plant in Saginaw. When
the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a
few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her
hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of
innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her
if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and there was her
Surprise!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
Happy Birthday!!!

Bear Rides
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a
tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "You've got two
choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore
for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found
the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right
next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you
to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it
took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to
track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He
turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't
come here for the hunting, do you?"
Bear Rides
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a
tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "You've got two
choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore
for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found
the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right
next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you
to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it
took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to
track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He
turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't
come here for the hunting, do you?"

Believe it or not ...

Of all tales of the supernatural, this one is perhaps the best documented, the most disturbing
and the most difficult to explain. The Princess of Amen-Ra lived some 1,500 yrs before
Christ. When she died, she was laid in an ornate wooden coffin and buried deep in a vault at Luxor, on the
banks of the Nile. In the late 1890s, 4 rich young Englishmen visiting the excavations at Luxor were invited
to buy an exquisitely fashioned mummy case containing the remains of Princess of Amen-Ra. They drew
lots. The man who won paid several thousand pounds and had the coffin taken to his hotel. A few hours
later, he was seen walking out towards the desert. He never returned. The next day, one of the remaining 3

men was shot by an

Egyptian servant accidentally. His arm was so severely wounded it had to be amputated. The 3rd man in
the foursome found on his return home that the bank holding his entire savings had failed. The 4th guy
suffered a severe illness, lost his job and was reduced to selling matches in the street. Nevertheless, the
coffin reached England (causing other misfortunes along
the way), where it was bought by a London businessman . After 3 of his family members had been injured
in a road accident and his house damaged by fire, the businessman donated it to the British Museum. As the
coffin was being unloaded from a truck in the museum courtyard, the
truck suddenly went into reverse and trapped a passer-by. Then as the casket was being lifted up the stairs
by 2 workmen, 1 fell and broke his leg. The other, apparently in perfect health, died unaccountably two
days later. Once the Princess was installed in the Egyptian Room,
trouble really started. Museum's night watchmen frequently heard frantic hammering and sobbing from the
coffin. Other exhibits in the room were also often hurled about at night. One watchman died on duty;
causing the other watchmen wanting to quit. Cleaners refused to go near the Princess too. When a visitor
derisively flicked a dustcloth at the face painted on the coffin,
his child died of measles soon afterwards. Finally, the authorities had the mummy carried down to the
basement. Figuring it could not do any harm down there. Within a week, one of the helpers was seriously
ill, and the supervisor of the move was found dead on his desk. By now, the papers had heard of it. A
journalist photographer took a picture of the mummy case and when he developed it, the painting on the
coffin was of a horrifying, human face. The photographer
was said to went home then, locked his bedroom door and shot himself. Soon afterwards, the museum sold
the mummy to a private collector. After continual misfortune (and deaths), the owner banished it to the
attic.
A well known authority on the occult, Madame Helena Blavatsky, visited the premises. Upon entry, she
was seized with a shivering fit and searched the house for the source of "an evil influence of incredible
intensity". She finally came to the attic and found the mummy case.
"Can you exorcise this evil spirit ?" asked the owner. "There is no such thing as exorcism . Evil remains
evil forever. Nothing can be done about it. I implore you to get rid of this evil as soon as possible." But no
British museum would take the mummy; the fact that almost 20 people
had met with misfortune, disaster or death from handling the casket, in barely 10 yrs, was now well
known. Eventually, a hard-headed American archaeologist (who dismissed the happenings as quirks of
circumstance), paid a handsome price for the mummy and arranged for its removal to New York. In April
1912, the new owner escorted its treasure aboard a sparkling, new White Star liner about to make its
maiden voyage to New York. On the night of April 14, amid scenes of unprecedented horror, the Princess
of Amen-Ra accompanied 1,500 passengers to their deaths at the bottom of the Atlantic. The name of the
ship was Titanic.

Big Rocks

A quick pause for a more meaningful life, also applicable to business practice.
One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a
point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of highpowered overachievers, he said "Okay, time for a quiz" and he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouth mason
jar and set it on the table in front of him. He also produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully
placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit
inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class yelled, "Yes." The time management expert
replied, "Really?"
He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. He dumped some gravel in and shook the jar
causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. He then asked the
group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them
answered. Good!" he replied.

He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it
went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is the
jar full?" No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!"
Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he
looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and
said "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more
things in it! "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you
don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."
What are the "big rocks" in your life, time with your loved ones, your faith, your education, your dreams, a
worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never
get them in at all. So tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself
this question: What are the "big rocks" in my life? Then, put those in your jar first.
Bill Gates From Hell

Since were all using MICROSOFT products here, I thought Id

just let you know
these facts...Do you know that Bill gates REAL name is William
Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates III, where III
means the order of third (3rd).
So, whats so eerie about this name? OK, if you take all the
letters in Bill Gates
III and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code
for
information interchange) and then ADD up all the
numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the beast!!!
B - 66
I - 73
L - 76
L - 76
G - 71
A - 65
T - 84
E - 69
S - 83
I-1
I-1
I-1
TOTAL 666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE ANTICHRIST........
Coincidence?
Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME
procedure and you will get 666 too
!!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.21!!!
Are you sure this is not a Coincidence?
You decide.....
WINDOWS 95
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1= 666
MS-DOS 6.21
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
Okay now for the good part!!!!!!
For those of you who still have the OLD
Excel 95 (not office 97), try this out:
1. Open a new file.

2. Scroll down until you see row 95.

3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row
4. Press tab, to move to the second column.
5. Now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about
Microsoft excel
6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button
simultaneously.
7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL
OF TORTURED SOULS.
This is really eerie okay...it has a doom style format and you
can walk all around the hall (use your arrow keys)...and on the
sides of the walls are the names of the tortured souls....
8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME
BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALL
WALL AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA.
This will open the blank wall to reveal another secret
passage, walk through the passage and DO NOT fall off (this is
the hard part!) When you get to the end, you will see
something really really eerie....
At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world
have verified that it is a real eye opener. It could
be a joke by MS programmers or is it?......
Wouldnt be surprised if Bill Gates was The Antichrist,
afterall it was already foretold in the Bible that someone
powerful would rise up and lead the world to destruction.
And Bill Gates definitely has that kind of power in his hands.
More than 80% of the worlds computers run on Windows
and DOS (including those at Pentagon!) If all his products
have some kind of small program embedded (like this
Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control, setting off
nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems, financial
systems
all over the world,etc......All from his headquarters isnt far
of reality! Just using Internet Explorer may just allow him
to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit
each time you log on. Perhaps the endtimes are near and
this is just a tip of the iceberg!?
Quote from the Bible:
He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor,
free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on
his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he
had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the
number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone
has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast,
for it is mans number. His number is 666....
Revelations 13:16-18.
See.... It is something for you to think about....if the Bible,
in the Book of Revelation says that without the sign of the
beast one would not be able to buy, sell, do business
transactions, etc.then. My question to you now is this.....
Is Internet now a necessity in doing business? The Internet
also bears the sign... Note that the Internet is also commonly
known as the World Wide Web or WWW
One other way we write W is V/ or roman numberals(VI) so ......
WWW
VI VI VI

666
This gives me something to ponder upon ...
Isnt everything going towards the Internet?
(i.e., buying/selling goods, business) when it comes to software
technology?
Revelation also says that the mark of the beast will be
carried on ones Hand and ones Forehead.....
If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast
arent we all starting to carry it on our hands and
foreheads??? Screens (forehead) and make use of the
mouse (hand)??? Are things finally falling into place or
are we just letting our imagination run wild???
Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal, and to destroy
...... so be VIGILANT!!! about Bill Gates and Microsoft.
To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast,
is not the question. What if the WWW is the 666? Or
Bill Gates is the Beast? What will you do?? Cancel
subscriptions to the Internet? Resign from Microsoft?
Set out a campaign against Bill Gates on the Internet?
Shut down all Windows 95 forever?
It will not do you any good...think about all this and pray,
pray for the salvation of millions of lost souls who will
be doomed to hell if someone doesnt reach them with
the Gospel of Jesus the Christ !!!

v BLONDES
BLONDES ON WEIGHT:
>
> A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
>
> "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat
this
> procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
least
> five pounds."
>
> When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
> amazing!", the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
>
> The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop
dead
> that third day."
>
> "From hunger, you mean?"
>
> "No, from skipping."
> ===============================
> BLONDES ON RAMBLING:
>
> So there's this blonde out for a walk, she comes to a river and sees
another

> blonde on the opposite bank.

>
> "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
>
> The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
> "You are on the other side!"

BOOK TITLES
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
11. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
12. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
13. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
14. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
37. Ax Me About Ebonics
38. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
39. Boldly Going Nowhere
40. Cat: The Other White Meat
41. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
42. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
43. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Breast can kill

BREASTS CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH
Flashing your husband can be dangerous to your health -- and everyone elses.... One woman from Maine
found out the hard way. As she dropped her husband off for work, she gave him a kiss, and then, just for
luck, she also gave him a quick flash of her breasts.
A passing cabdriver took a look, and then another, and was so intent on looking at the woman's breasts that
he lost control of his cab, crashing into a nearby medical building and knocking off a piece of the building - right onto the woman. Meanwhile, inside the building, a dental technician was cleaning a patients teeth
when the cab crashed, and was so startled she jammed the dental pick into a patients mouth -- and he in
turn, bit down on her hand so hard that he severed two of her fingers.
"I'm not sure why I did it," the Maine wife said after the incident, "I was really close to the car, so I didn't
think anyone would see it."

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD:

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
------------------------------100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
------------------------------You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
------------------------------Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
------------------------------I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
------------------------------The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
------------------------------Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
------------------------------Hang up and drive.
------------------------------If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down,
on a Jeep)
------------------------------Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

------------------------------Boldly going nowhere

------------------------------Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
------------------------------Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by
itself.
------------------------------Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
------------------------------Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp.
------------------------------Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
------------------------------Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people
"Everybody But Me".
------------------------------Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

** BUMPER STICKERS I'D LIKE TO SEE!! **

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
Jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you're an asshole.
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
You're depriving some poor village of its idiot!
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
BEER! Helping ugly people have sex since 1862.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom!
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

** And the #1 bumper sticker of the week is... **

Honk If You Want To See My Finger!

Call to God
John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone
near the Broncos' bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hotline to God.
John asked the coach if he could use it, and the coach said: Sure, but it will cost you $100." Madden
scratched his head, then said: "What the heck, I need some help picking some games." He pulled out his
wallet and paid the $100. Madden was perfect that week. The next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay
when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Green Bay bench. He asked Coach Holmgren what the
phone was for, and Mike said: " It's a hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100."
Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100. Once again, Madden
was perfect. The next weekend, Madden was in Dallas at Texas Stadium when he noticed the same phone
near the Cowboy's bench. He asked Coach Gailey if it was a hotline to God. Chan said, "Yes it is. Do you
want to use it? It'll cost you 35 cents." Madden looked at Coach Gailey and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid
$100 in Denver and $100 in Green Bay to use the same phone! Why in Dallas do they only charge 35
cents?" Chan looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Texas, it's a local call."
Camping Trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good
meal and
a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours
later,
Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the
lord
is
all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot.
Someone has
stolen our tent."

Cat Commandment
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.T
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy>house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants>are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Visualize it as you read it.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how

legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks
I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I

would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I
could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, & without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached
under the sink.
And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
I know this from experience.
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet
bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding
oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group
of "been-here, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics
were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while

trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.........and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me about my head injury.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.
Which it was.
"What's the matter?"
They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"...............
If they only knew!

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like

myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have
both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids
(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are
no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their

feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of
the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try

this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what
a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason
I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a
burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could
invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "wine." More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what
this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got
to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something
makin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports
my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.............
Children and childrearing

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is
birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in
Austin, Texas.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY
CHILDREN (HONEST AND NO KIDDING):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run

over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound
boy wearing Batman underwear and a supermancape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the
ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock
even though a 36 year old man says they can only
do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a
fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive
tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be
used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a
swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly
sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when
driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that
odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5

minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does
not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when
dizzy.

City Feller
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 11:09:47 -0500
A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on
the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field,
and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys
in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know
how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like
this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then
you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone
gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to
abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked
up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister
was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly
caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to
his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have
the duck!"

INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed
that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had
become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler
fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found
lodged between the
folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in blood restaurant towels. The man had his
around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they
had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table
to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down
on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork
and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains.
During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins.
Further inside, they
found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces,
convinced that they would grow into a baby.
SEX EDUCATION
A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active.
She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she
was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the
father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?"
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact
lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help
using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did
not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON

An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation
revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted
it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat
in her pussy" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a
surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that
while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to
keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using
more and more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his
testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain killers, and told him that it
would return to flaccidity in a few days.
They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have
something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions
to the letter,"
she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied
"Grape."
BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very hygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach. While changing the
dressing, one of the nurses screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had been
breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to feed further down his body.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would
often hang
down from the man's anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this
occasion,
the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the
hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's anus to defuse the
shell so it could be removed.
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were
fooling
around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
The
concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of
the man's rectum was removed........................along with a stray Ping-Pong ball

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

From Your Friendly Techical Support Staff

---------------------------------------------------

1. Describe your Computer problem

________________________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately

________________________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem

________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

4. Problem Severity
A. Minor____ B. Minor____ C. Minor____ D. Trivial____

5. Nature of the problem

A. Locked Up____ B. Frozen____ C. Hung____ D. Shot_____

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
________________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? _____________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time
the problem occurred? ________________________________

17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.

_________________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ______________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ______________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

computer-illiterate
So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal
article.
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press the Enter key" because of the
flood of calls asking where the "any" key is.
Gateway support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust
cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word
processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.
Another Gateway customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter
arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the diskettes.
A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The
customer asked the technician to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing
the room to close the door to his office.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor and pressing the "Send" key.
Another Dell customer need help setting up a new program, so a technician suggested he go to the local
Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told that Egghead was a
software store, the man said "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by
filling his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and
washing them individually.
A Gateway technician spoke to a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was
"bad and an invalid." The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid entry"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After making sure the computer
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response
was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
mouse.
A customer called Compaq to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened
when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out
he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but use
lower case letters. Customer "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
True story from a Novell NetWire technician: Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I'm within
my warranty period. How do I get it fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes,
it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I
am. Did your receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does
it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '32X.' on it." At this point the technician had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped
it off the drive! Admit it, you feel just little superior after reading these, don't you?!

Confucius says.....
1. Virginity like bubble - one prick, all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for his money.
10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth
12. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
13. Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like Hell bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
20. Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Darwin Awards
This year's Darwin Awards are attached. Hard to believe, but another year has passed. For those who don't
know it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the person(s) who died in the stupidest way, thereby
removing themselves from the gene pool...1999 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a
former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole
in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in
March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the
truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise.
Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in
December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for
the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police
spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday
evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously has conducted the demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers,
managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the
best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being
blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an
autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and
cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man
died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or
had his windows been open, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight
bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas."
Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No. 6: "The News of the Weird." Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird
posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction
before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and
attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion in
Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was
killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David
Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel
when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his
condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55,
was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel
regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
AND FINALLY, Honorable mention: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured
when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early
Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight
Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious
condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after
a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two
men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was
not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber cartridge from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse slot next
to the steering column. Upon inserting the cartridge, the headlights again began to operate properly and the
two men proceeded east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles
and just before crossing the river, the cartridge case apparently overheated; the round discharged and struck
Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole
suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other
wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that
bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for
ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how

this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how
many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
Dealing With Assholes
This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on
someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number
and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I
please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked
down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it
again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his
phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and
then I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would
have to stop calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This
is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's
because you're an asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 823-4863.
Then, one day this old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think
she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into
her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy
climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear
me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. I noticed he had
a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place
to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling
823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd
better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going
better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then after several months of calling
the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some
serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an
asshole!", but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Asshole!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Asshole!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was
going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war
going on down West 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you
want to watch two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police
helicopter, ...
I taped it all off the evening news.
Dear Lord

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide
the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me
off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today As they may be connected to the ass that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
5% on Fridays
and help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown.
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell to bite me.

Man:
"Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
Neighbor 1:
"Yes, it is, and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Man:
"So what is it you do for a living?"
Neighbor 1:
"I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Man:
"Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1:

"Let me give you an example. I see you have a doghouse out back. By that I
deduce that you have a dog."
Man:
"That is right."
Neighbor 1:
"The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Man:
"Right again."
Neighbor 1:
"Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Man:
"Correct."
Neighbor 1:
"And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Man:
"Yep."
Neighbor 1:
"That is deductive reasoning."
Man:
"Cool."
Later that same day...
Man:
"Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2:
"Is he a nice guy?"
Man:
"Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2:
"Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Man:
"He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2:
"Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Man:
"Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2:
"No."

Man:
"Fag."

DO you have A.A.A.D.D?

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.
Hooray!!
I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. !
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...
This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start
toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.
Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to
go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the
desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan
is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and
take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near
the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one
check left. My extra checks are in my desk.
Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look
for those checks.
But first I need to put my coke further away from the
computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep
it cold for a while.
I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my
eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the
counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking
for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.
I fill a container with water and head for the flower
pots - - Aaaaaagh!
Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never
think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to
watch television so I'd better put it back in the
family room where it belongs.
I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor,
I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and
I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it
was I was going to do?
End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are
unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter,
the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only
has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car
keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got
done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL

DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition

and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my
e-mail...
Doctors notes in patients charts: (Actual notes-unedited!)
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the
past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Donation Request for the Bill Clinton Monument

Dear Friend,
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of
Bill Clinton. We would like you to be aware of our deliberations that resulted in this request.
We originally wanted to put Bill Clinton on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room
for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. We were in a
quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not to place it beside the statue of George
Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton
could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place a statue of Bill Clinton beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of
them all. He left not knowing where he was going,did not know where he was, returned not knowing where
he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Thousands of years later,
Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up a camel, this is the
promised land."
Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, tax your asses, raise the price of your camels, and
mortgage the promised land.
If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after paying taxes, we ask that you send us a
generous contribution for the creation of the Bill Clinton Monument.
Thank You,
Bill Clinton Monument Committee

Subject: E-mail?
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife
watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high
school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at
a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at
minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we
can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the
forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a
computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must
understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not
exist.
Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a
high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing
where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market
and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a
crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than
2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the
process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives
home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the

night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and
working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second
week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time,
but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have
left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his
wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the
community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the
second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and
employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling
tomatoes.
He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the
fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse which his wife
supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.
The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and
jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a
million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan
to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a
computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be
today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would
be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to
being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.

"Escaped Convict"
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and

hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a

woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."

Fact is stranger than fiction

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of ingredients in the sauce
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucous every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of
the glass to the top.
A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if strong-tasting substance like salt
is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and
the salt is dissolved, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods.
A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. Sylvia Miles had the
shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with Midnight Cowboy. Her entire role lasted only six
minutes.
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles
(jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with
legs dangling, fall asleep.
During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate kills dogs is true, chocolate effects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces enough to kill
a small sized dog. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Before the 1950's it was made from Hemp. The
stem and leaves of a marijuana plant.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World WarII were made of wood.

The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is
318,979,564,000.
Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when all original print had
to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case'
letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the
Lincoln Memorial.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves.
That's the opposite of the norm.
Bubble gum contains rubber.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA'
By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Celery has negative calories!
It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
An elephant can smell water three miles away.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit
damages them.
Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~

contemplating ecological issues

~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted
pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her
castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess'
lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon
me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I
am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your
castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~

where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my
children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog
legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to
herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't freaking think so.

Farmers daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well
being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on
this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had
occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to
menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my
name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and
sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she
ready?" Father felt this one was OK too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck .....
and the farmer shot him.

FIRST BALL GAME

KEEPING ABREAST OF THE ACTION

The day has finally arrived.

Today is the day you take your son to his first ball game.
Leading up to the big day you have told him about game day, the smell of the fresh cut grass, the hot-dogs
that taste better at the grounds than anywhere else, the roar of the crowd when the home team scores.
You tell him all about the wonderful sites & sounds he'll see on that wonderful day.
But the only thing he'll remember about the big day is................
From Men
>
>
>>
>>
> > TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH!!!
>>
> > Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
>you
> > need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
>>
> > If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
>act
> > like soap opera guys.
>>
> > If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
> > answer.
>>
> > Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
>find
> > the perfect present yet again!
>>
> > If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
>don't
> > want to hear.
>>
> > Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us
what
> > we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
>navel
> > lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

>>
> > Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
>Let
> > it be.
>>
> > Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
>way.
>>
> > When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
> > Really.
> > You have enough clothes.
> > You have too many shoes.
> > Crying is blackmail.
>>
> > Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints don't
>work.
> > Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work.
> > Just say it!
>>
> > We don't know what day it is. We never will.
> > Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
>>
> > Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
>>
> > Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
good
>at
> > choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
>>
> > YES and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
>>
> > Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
>we
> > do.
>>
> > Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>>
> > A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>>
> > Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
>>
> > Check your oil.
>>
> > It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take a quiz together.
> > No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>>
> > Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
>comments
> > become null and void after 7 days.
>>
> > If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
>makes
> > you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>>
> > Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway, it's genetic.
>>

> > You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something,
but
> > not both.
>>
> > Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
>>
> > ALL men see in only 6 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
>>
> > If it itches, it will be scratched.
>>
> > Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>>
> > If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
> > wrong.
>>
> > We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
>>
> > What the hell is a DOILY?

God and Ford

Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told
Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the
assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with
anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."
The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and
introduced him to God. Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the
inventor of Woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your
invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. maintenance is very costly
4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing
5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days
6. the rear end wobbles too much, and
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial
Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry

Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention
than yours!"

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came

down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest
town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
he
bellowed to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second
room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget
to pay for the whore and two beers.
Then, he grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs,
kicked open the second door on the right and yelled,
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said,
"You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and
grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the woman, "but I thought you might like to
open those beers before we get ourselves started."

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he
tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with
hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A.
Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped...
and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater
than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the
week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth
of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some
fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch
pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred
thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly
enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen
for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the
air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective
seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in
Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the
other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our
friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass
boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his
arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD,
LET ME HAVE IT!"
Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on
the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you
may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a
candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with
a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The
friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he
qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from
Korea who was killed by his cell phone... more or less. He
was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked
into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep
that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at
the same time.

GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse
noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the

building, extinguishing all potential sources of

ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none
of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of
one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving
an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the
lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found
of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing
the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his
peers.

Runner-up
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a
difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's
Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from
St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show
them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the
effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently,
Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive
was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms
of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a
passing rhino.
The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen
years, was not initially startled as it has been part of
the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However,
once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to
Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting
area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.
"Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had
been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and
some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth
played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker.
During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed
wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped.
Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck
were stomped to death.
As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers
over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's
buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed
down. However, during this process the laxatives began to
take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over
30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to
calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from
being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that
Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck.

Once she was under control, we had three people with

shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr.
Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a
solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass.
"I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a
while."
Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were
impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy
some for my children, but of course they can't take it to
the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the
troupe
> > > Have a history teacher explain this- If they
> can:
>>>
>
> > > Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
> > > John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
> > > Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
> > > John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
> > > The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven
> > > letters.
> > > Both were particularly concerned with civil
> rights.
> > > Both wives lost their children while living in
> the
> > > White House.
> > > Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
> > > Both Presidents were shot in the head.
> > > Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
> > > Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
> > > Both were assassinated by Southerners.
> > > Both were succeeded by Southerners named
> Johnson.
> > > Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born
> in
> > > 1808.
> > > Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born
> in
> > > 1908.
> > > John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was
> > > born in 1839.
> > > Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was
> > > born in 1939.
> > > Both assassins were known by their three names.
> > > Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
> > > Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
> > > Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
> (which
> > > is a Ford)
> > > Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a
> > > warehouse.
> > > Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a
> > > theater.
> > > Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their

> > > trials.

> > > And here's the kicker.
> > > A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in
> Monroe,
> > > Maryland.
> > > A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with
> Marilyn
> > > Monroe. Creepy, huh?

Heart Broken
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice
that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
This fascinated the gay men. One of them just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch
it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks,
"Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written...

Here are all those phrases, finally, decoded:

Male Vocabulary
"Haven't I seen you before?" = "Nice ass."
I'm a Romantic." = "I'm poor."
"I need you." = "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys." = "I am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about." = "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better." = "So I can tell my friends about it."
"It's just orange juice, try it." = "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
"She's kinda cute." = "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."
I don't know if I like her." = "She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much." = "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."
"Was it good for you?" = "I'm insecure about my manhood."
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" = "Is my penis really that small?"
"I had a wonderful time last night." = "Who the hell are you?"
"Do you love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
"Do you 'really' love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."
"How much do you love me?" = "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you
by now."
"I have something to tell you." = "Get tested."
"I'll give you a call." = "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
"I've been thinking a lot." = "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends." = "You're ugly."
"I've learned a lot from you." = "Next!!!!"
"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" = "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

Hickbonics to English Dictionary

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.

Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd>from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts
ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickuptruck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup>truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat>tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or>combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bobwar >fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institutionUsage:
"Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

HIS AND HERS ATM

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
HOW FREAKIN' TRUE!!!!!!

How Embarrassing:
The following are the top three winners from a Most Embarrassing
Moments contest in New Woman Magazine:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would
be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night". The
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love,
we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend
that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, SURPRISE! My entire
family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were
standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock
and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no
one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the funniest most-embarrassing-moment stories I've come upon in
a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount

store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the
checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad
enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word tampax for THUMBTACKS. In a business-like tone,
a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH
IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

How Embarrassing:
The following are the top three winners from a Most Embarrassing
Moments contest in New Woman Magazine:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would
be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night". The
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend
over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love,
we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend
that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, SURPRISE! My entire
family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were
standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock
and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no
one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the funniest most-embarrassing-moment stories I've come upon in
a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one
of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the
checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad
enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word tampax for THUMBTACKS. In a business-like tone,
a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH
IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

How To Recognize A Good Woman

A good woman is proud. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks
definition from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of
articulating her needs. A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true.
She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be

reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears. A good woman has a dash of inspiration
and a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will at times have to inspire others to reach the potential
God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and forges toward the future. A
good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will
just be played with. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she
understands that her life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge an
unconditional self-love... Pass this on to a good woman......I have....
I've learned> that you cannot make someone love you.
> All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
> The rest is up to them.
> I've learned> that no matter how much I care,
> some people just don't care back.
> I've learned> that it takes years to build up trust,
> and only seconds to destroy it.
> I've learned> that it's not what you have in your life
> but who you have in your life that counts.
> I've learned> that you can get by on charm for about
> fifteen minutes.
> After that, you'd better know something.
> I've learned> that you shouldn't compare
> yourself to the best others can do.
> I've learned> that you can do something in an instant
> that will give you heartache for life.
> I've learned> that it's taking me a long time
> to become the person I want to be.
> I've learned> that you should always leave loved ones
> with loving words. It may be the last time you
> see them.
> I've learned> that you can keep going
> long after you can't.
> I've learned> that we are responsible for what we do,
> no matter how we feel.
> I've learned-

> that either you control your attitude

> or it controls you.
> I've learned> that regardless of how hot and steamy
> a relationship is at first, the passion fades
> and there had better be something else to take
> its place.
> I've learned> that heroes are the people
> who do what has to be done
> when it needs to be done,
> regardless of the consequences.
> I've learned> that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
> I've learned> that my best friend and I can do anything
> or nothing and have the best time.
> I've learned> that sometimes the people you expect
> to kick you when you're down
> will be the ones to help you get back up.
> I've learned> that sometimes when I'm angry
> I have the right to be angry,
> but that doesn't give me
> the right to be cruel.
> I've learned> that true friendship continues to grow,
> even over the longest distance.
> Same goes for true love.
> I've learned> that just because someone doesn't love
> you the way you want them to doesn't
> mean they don't love you with all they have.
> I've learned> that maturity has more to do with
> what types of experiences you've had
> and what you've learned from them
> and less to do with how many
> birthdays you've celebrated.
> I've learned> that your family won't always be there for you.
> It may seem funny, but people you aren't
> related to can take care of you and love you
> and teach you to trust people again.
> Families aren't always biological.
> I've learned-

> that no matter how good a friend is,

> they're going to hurt you every once in a while
> and you must forgive them for that.
> I've learned> that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by
> others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive
> yourself.
> I've learned> that no matter how bad your heart is broken
> the world doesn't stop for your grief.
> I've learned> that our background and circumstances
> may have influenced who we are,
> but we are responsible for who we become.
> I've learned> that just because two people argue,
> it doesn't mean they don't love each other
> And just because they don't argue,
> it doesn't mean they do.
> I've learned> that we don't have to change friends
> if we understand that friends change.
> I've learned> that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
> secret. It could change your life forever.
> I've learned> that two people can look at the exact same thing
> and see something totally different.
> I've learned> that no matter how you try to protect your
> children, they will eventually get hurt and
> you will hurt in the process.
> I've learned> that your life can be changed in a matter of
> hours by people who don't even know you.
> I've learned> that even when you think you have no more
> to give, when a friend cries out to you,
> you will find the strength to help.
> I've learned> that credentials on the wall
> do not make you a decent human being.
> I've learned> that the people you care about most in life
> are taken from you too soon.

>
> *Send this to all the people you believe in

> IDIOTS & RETAIL

> I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
> clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit
> card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless
> the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was
> necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature
> I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of
> her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the
> receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
> IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
> After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
> described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said,
> "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I
> played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied,
> "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
> ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
> An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
> Safety Handbook for Employees:" "Blink your eyelids periodically to
> lubricate your eyes."
> IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
> I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
> the local township administrative office to request the removal of the
> Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by
> cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
> IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
> My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
> office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
> problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
> one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming
> from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
> IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
> I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
> that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner
> became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that
> the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless
> to say, she was very disappointed.
> IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
> My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
> asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said
> he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
> AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
> Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
> placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
> photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,

> and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
> wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
> suspect confessed
Subject: If Santa answered his mail honestly
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv
ben a gud boy all
yeer
yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in
lawn care. How about I send you a frickin book so
you can
learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell!
Santa
----------

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for
everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?
Santa
----------

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.

Please see
what you can do?
Love
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come
back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
constantly? It's time
to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice
Legos instead.
Santa
----------

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some
G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet
you're gay,
so I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
----------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and
I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer

fart in
my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are
you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making
low-budget porno
films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and
squeezing the
asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps
table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know
when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in
whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,
but
that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater
again.
Santa
----------

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you
get
into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why
you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
don't
live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment
complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does,
through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

If you're over the age of 28 this will crack you up...

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
when they were
growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles
to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings
on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their fulltime after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their
family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch
of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it
But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look around and notice the
youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a
damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the
goddamned library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to
walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store
and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ
would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude
to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got
a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea
who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You
just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had
the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy
was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was
just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just ept getting harder and faster until you
died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the
same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no on screen
menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning.....D'ya hear what
I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking
about!
You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys would not have lasted five
minutes back in 1984!

I've Learned,
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and
give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just ass holes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion,not proof,to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick
or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had
better be a lot of money to take its
place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends. Their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up
in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less
important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F*** 'em if they can't take a joke" in six languages and "Shit Happens" in twelve.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will
happen. If not... tough shit.

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Then when you do criticize them, you will be a
mile away and have their shoes.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two
sacks of something when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
Give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all,
especially the mouth part of the face.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back
and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's
just eggs hatching.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going around the corner."
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it
would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a
magazine.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the
fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a
lot of money."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except
there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wouldn't want to be a giant, because
the only movies you could see would be
at the drive-in; and hey you'd probably crush some cars.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I was a father in a waiting room, and
the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think
a good gag would be to get real mad and
yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed
up with that dork!" and point to
another father.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

I don't think God put me on this planet
to judge others. I think he put me on
this planet to gather specimens and take
them back to my home planet.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we
have to look at the word itself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two
separate words - "mank" and "ind." What
do these words mean? It's a mystery,
and that's why so is mankind.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If God dwells inside us, like some
people say, I sure hope he likes
enchiladas, because that's what He's
getting!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think one way police departments could
make some money would be to hold a yard
sale of murder weapons. Many people, for
example, could probably use a cheap ice
pick.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants
suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to
laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint
Francis suddenly appeared and knocked
the next pitch clean over the fence. But
I think it was just a lucky swing.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd
head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening, when he'd come
back with some whore he picked up in town.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden,
uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I guess of all my uncles, I liked
Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him
Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a
cave and because sometimes he'd eat one

of us. Later on we found out he was a

bear.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you had a school for professional
fireworks people, I don't think you
could cover fuses in just one class.
It's just too rich a subject.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
As the evening sun faded from a salmon
color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that
morning, and how gray he was, and how I
named him Flint.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever discover that what you're
seeing is a play within a play, just
slow down, take a deep breath, and hold
on for the ride of your life.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Contrary to popular belief, the most
dangerous animal is not the lion or
tiger or even the elephant. The most
dangerous animal is a shark riding on an
elephant, just trampling and eating
everything they see.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact,
they're kinda scary. I've wondered where
this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I went to the circus and a
clown killed my dad.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever reach total enlightenment
while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out of your nose.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
You know what would make a good story?
Something about a clown who makes people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,
he has severe diarrhea.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Just as bees will swarm about to protect
their nest, so will I "swarm about" to
protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out
every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles

to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round

and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter
where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles
is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then,
we had some growing up to do.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If your a horse, and someone gets on
you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck
him off right away.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid
seeing yourself in the mirror, because
I bet that's what really throws you into
a panic.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
How come the dove gets to be the peace
symbol? How about the pillow? It has
more feathers than the dove, and it
doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Even though I was their captive, the
Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
I could walk about freely, make my own
meals, and even hurl large rocks at
their heads. It was only later that I
discovered they were not Indians at all,
but dirty clothes hampers.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're in a war, instead of throwing
a hand grenade at some guys, throw one
of those little bay-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how
crazy war is, and while they're
thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
It's easy to sit there and say you'd
like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy.
Just sitting there, rocking back and
forth, wanting that money.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a
county fair or a state fair, the first
thing we do is see if they have some
kind of pornography booth.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so

overwhelming, I just want to throw back

my head and gargle. Just gargle and
gargle, and I don't care who hears me,
because I am beautiful.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the
ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is
what annoys me.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're an ant, and you're walking
along across the top of a cup of
pudding, you probably have no idea that
the only thing between you and disaster
is the strength of the pudding skin.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I come back as an animal in my next
lifetime, I hope it's some type of
parasite, because this is the part where
I take it easy!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I hope life isn't a big joke because I
don't get it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The face of a child can say it all,
especially the mouth part of the face.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I believe in making the world safe for
our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children
should be having sex.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I hope in the future Americans are
thought of as warlike, vicious people,
because I bet a lot of high schools
would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When Rick told me he was having trouble
with his wife, I had to laugh. Not
because of what he said, but because of
a joke I thought of. I told him the
joke, but he didn't laugh very much.
Some friend he is.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Whether they ever find life there or
not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I
had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of
strategy. First, he punched me, then he
kicked me, then he punched me again.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
We like to raise birds for flying. But
how much of it is actually flying, and
how much of it is just sort of coasting
from the previous flap?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The old pool shooter had won many a game
in his life. But now it was time to hang
up the cue. When he did, all the other
cues came crashing to the floor.
"Sorry, "he said with a smile.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish my name was Todd, because then I
could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd
Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last
name was Blankenship.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think a new, different kind of bowling
should be "carpet bowling." It's just
like regular bowling, only the lanes
are carpet instead of wood. I don't
know why we should do this, but my God,
we've got to try something!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
One day one of my little nephews came up
to me and asked me if the equator was a
real line that went around the Earth, or
just an imaginary one. I had to laugh.
Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know,
and I thought that maybe by laughing he
would forget what he asked me.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think a good gift for the President
would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have
to run up to him real quick and hand it
to him.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
You know something that would really
make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in
quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly
comes shooting out, riding on water

skis! How do they do that?!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
It's too bad that whole families have to
be torn apart by something as simple as
wild dogs.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Instead of having "answers" on a math
test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a
different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish outer-space guys would conquer
Earth and make people their pets,
because I'd like to have one of those
little basket beds with my name on it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Is there anything more beautiful than a
beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset?
And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And
also, you're drunk.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
You can't tell me that cowboys, when
they're branding cattle, don't sort of
"accidentally" brand each other every
once in a while. It's their way of
letting off stress.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think Superman and Santa Claus are
actually the same guy, and I'll tell you
why: both fly, both wear red, and both
have a beard.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Sometimes I think the world has gone
completely mad. And then I think, "Aw,
who cares?" And then I think, "Hey,
what's for supper?"
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're traveling in a time machine,
and you're eating corn on the cob, I
don't think it's going to affect things
one way or the other. But here's the
point I'm trying to make: corn on the
cob is good, isn't it.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

Marta says the interesting thing about
fly fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand. Come on,
Marta. Grow up.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Probably to a shark, about the funniest
thing there is is a wounded seal, trying
to swim to shore, because where does he
think he's going?!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
A man doesn't automatically get my
respect. He has to get down in the dirt
and beg for it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,
just go limp, because maybe you'll look
like a dummy and people will try to
catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet one legend that keeps recurring
throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you define cowardice as running away
at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy,
then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am
a coward.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're a circus clown, and you have
a dog that you use in your act, I don't
think it's a good idea to also dress
the dog up like a clown, because people
see that and they think, "Forgive me, but
that's just too much."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you were a gladiator in olden days,
I bet the inefficiency of how the
gladiator fights were organized and
scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old
man's folly. But also, check out his
Adam's apple!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
It's true that every time you hear a

bell, an angel gets his wings. But what

they don't tell you is, every time you
hear mousetrap snap, an angel gets set
on fire.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I
hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way
that tells the reader we are going to
have fun with this thing.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think a good movie would be about a
guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets
hit on the head and it damages the part
of the brain that makes you want to
study the brain.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're a boxing referee, it's
probably illegal to wear a bow tie that
spins or changes colors.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Why is it that we laugh at a man in a clown
outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just
walking down the street carrying a clown
outfit in one of those plastic dry cleaner bags?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I hope they never find out that
lightning has a lot of vitamins in it,
because do you hide from it or not?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Whenever someone asks me to define love,
I usually think for a minute, then I
spin around and pin the guys arm behind
his back. NOW who's asking the
questions?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet the main reason the police keep
people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying
down in the crash stuff, then when
somebody comes up act like they just woke
up and go, "What was that?!"
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a
feather. That's right, a feather. How
could anyone be afraid of a feather, you
say. That's an honest question, and

I'll try to give it an honest answer.

First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
What is it that makes a complete
stranger dive into an icy river to save
a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never
know.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish I would have a real tragic love
affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a
few years, because I was thinking about
doing that anyway.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When I heard that trees grow a new
"ring" for each year they live, I
thought, we humans are kind of like
that: we grow a new layer of skin each
year, and after many years we are thick
and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you
were a catapult operator, I bet the most
common question people would ask is,
"Can't you make it shoot farther?" No.
I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I hope if dogs ever take over the world,
and they choose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you want to be the popular one at a
party, here's a good thing to do: Go up
to some people who are talking and laughing
and say, "Well, technically that's illegal."
It might fit in with what somebody just
said. And even if it doesn't, so what,
I hate this stupid party.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
To me, it's a good idea to always carry
two sacks of something when you walk
around. That way, if anybody says,
"Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish there was a disease where you're

afraid of clouds, because I think I

could cure it. First, you sit the
patient down and have a long personal
talk. After that, I'm not sure, but
maybe you could throw some water in his
face or something.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Just because swans mate for life, I
don't think it's that big of a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that
looks that much better than the one
you've got, so why not mate for life.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
People laugh when I say that I think a
jellyfish is one of the most beautiful
things in the world. What they don't
understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long,
blond hair.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When you're going up the stairs and you
take a step, kick the other leg up
behind you to keep people from following
too close.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't
shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
Instead try to get some weeding done,
because you'd really be surprised.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so
cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time,
for no good reason.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I'd like to see a nude opera, because
when they hit those high notes I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble
efforts of my lifetime will someday be
small way,
they will be acknowledged as the
greatest works of genius ever created
by Man.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
To bad there's not such a thing as a
golden skunk, because you'd probably be

noticed, and maybe, in some

proud to be sprayed by one.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think in one of my previous lives I
was a mighty king, because I like people
to do what I say.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river
of molten lava, let 'em go, because,
man, they're gone.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet a funny thing about driving a car
off a cliff is, while you're in midair,
you still hit those brakes! Hey, better
try the emergency brake!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
As the light changed from red to green
to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life. Was it
nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The crows seemed to be calling his name,
thought Caw.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Of all the warning sounds that animals
make, I think the one that's the least
effective on me is a kind of clicking
noise.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The sound of fresh rain run-off
splashing from the roof reminded me of
the sound of urine splashing into a
filthy Texaco latrine.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you go parachuting, and your
parachute doesn't open, and your friends
are all watching you fall, I think a
funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my
favorite thing would be to land on
someone's lip. Even if they smash you,
ick!, you're all over their lip!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When people say that the desert is

lifeless, it just makes me want to grab

them by the collar and yell, "Why you
stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive
them out into the desert to where the
circus is, and point out the many forms
of zebra and clown life.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you go through a lot of hammers each
month, I don't think it necessarily
means you're a hard worker. It may just
mean that you have a lot to learn about
proper hammer maintenance.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I was being executed by injection,
I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then,
when they came to get me, I'd say,
"Injection? I thought you said
`inspection'" They'd probably feel
real bad, and maybe I could get out of
it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
People think it would be fun to be a
bird because you could fly. But they
forget the negative side, which is the
preening.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand
and envision a whole universe. But the
stupid man will just lay down on some
seaweed and roll around until he's
completely draped in it. Then he'll
stand up and go, "Hey, I'm de Vine Man."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When the age of the Vikings came to a
close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one
evening, slapped each other on the back
and said, "Hey, good job."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Children need encouragement. So if a
kid gets an answer right, tell him it
was a lucky guess. That way, he
develops a good, lucky feeling.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me
real mad when someone says something
like "Hey, when are you going to pay me
that hundred dollars you owe me?" or
"Do you have that fifty dollars you

borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever teach a yodeling class,
probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel
right off. You see, we build to that.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Blow ye winds,
Like the trumpet blows;
But without that noise.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat
pioneer woman in the back with an arrow,
and she fires her shotgun into the
ground as she falls over, is like the
top thing you can do.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Sometimes I think I'd be better off
dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're a blacksmith, probably the
proudest day of your life is when you
get your first anvil.
How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
You know one thing that will really make
a woman mad? Just run up and kick her
in the butt. (P.S. This also works
with men.)
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're ever stuck in some thick
undergrowth, in your underwear, don't
stop and start thinking of what other
words have "under" in them, because
that's probably the first sign of jungle
madness.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in
ancient Egypt, one thing you would
constantly find yourself telling people
would be, "Be sure, before I start, you
have all the jewelry and so forth on the
body, because I am not unwrapping him
later."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're in a boxing match, try not to
let the other guy's glove touch your

lips, because you don't know where that

glove has been.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because
then you could keep both Dracula and
Superman away.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I had the time to sit down and write
a thank-you note to everyone who sent
me a nice, expensive present, what a
wonderful world that would be!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by
the very tiptop and bend it clear over
to the ground and then let her fly, because
I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff
that comes flying out.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Love is not something that you can put
chains on and throw into a lake. That's
called Houdini. Love is liking someone
a lot.

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Then when you do criticize them, you will be a
mile away and have their shoes.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two
sacks of something when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
Give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all,
especially the mouth part of the face.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
ideas.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back
and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's
just eggs hatching.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going around the corner."
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it
would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a
magazine.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the
fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a
lot of money."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except
there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wouldn't want to be a giant, because
the only movies you could see would be
at the drive-in; and hey you'd probably crush some cars.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

If I was a father in a waiting room, and
the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think
a good gag would be to get real mad and
yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed
up with that dork!" and point to
another father.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I don't think God put me on this planet
to judge others. I think he put me on
this planet to gather specimens and take
them back to my home planet.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we
have to look at the word itself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two
separate words - "mank" and "ind." What
do these words mean? It's a mystery,
and that's why so is mankind.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If God dwells inside us, like some
people say, I sure hope he likes
enchiladas, because that's what He's
getting!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think one way police departments could
make some money would be to hold a yard
sale of murder weapons. Many people, for
example, could probably use a cheap ice
pick.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants
suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to
laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint
Francis suddenly appeared and knocked
the next pitch clean over the fence. But
I think it was just a lucky swing.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd
head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening, when he'd come
back with some whore he picked up in town.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden,

uncontrolled urination should

automatically disqualify you.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I guess of all my uncles, I liked
Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him
Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a
cave and because sometimes he'd eat one
of us. Later on we found out he was a
bear.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you had a school for professional
fireworks people, I don't think you
could cover fuses in just one class.
It's just too rich a subject.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
As the evening sun faded from a salmon
color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that
morning, and how gray he was, and how I
named him Flint.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever discover that what you're
seeing is a play within a play, just
slow down, take a deep breath, and hold
on for the ride of your life.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Contrary to popular belief, the most
dangerous animal is not the lion or
tiger or even the elephant. The most
dangerous animal is a shark riding on an
elephant, just trampling and eating
everything they see.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact,
they're kinda scary. I've wondered where
this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I went to the circus and a
clown killed my dad.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever reach total enlightenment
while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out of your nose.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
You know what would make a good story?
Something about a clown who makes people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,
he has severe diarrhea.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

Just as bees will swarm about to protect
their nest, so will I "swarm about" to
protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out
every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles
to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round
and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter
where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles
is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then,
we had some growing up to do.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If your a horse, and someone gets on
you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck
him off right away.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid
seeing yourself in the mirror, because
I bet that's what really throws you into
a panic.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
How come the dove gets to be the peace
symbol? How about the pillow? It has
more feathers than the dove, and it
doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Even though I was their captive, the
Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom.
I could walk about freely, make my own
meals, and even hurl large rocks at
their heads. It was only later that I
discovered they were not Indians at all,
but dirty clothes hampers.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're in a war, instead of throwing
a hand grenade at some guys, throw one
of those little bay-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how
crazy war is, and while they're
thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
It's easy to sit there and say you'd
like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy.
Just sitting there, rocking back and
forth, wanting that money.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a
county fair or a state fair, the first
thing we do is see if they have some
kind of pornography booth.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so
overwhelming, I just want to throw back
my head and gargle. Just gargle and
gargle, and I don't care who hears me,
because I am beautiful.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the
ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is
what annoys me.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're an ant, and you're walking
along across the top of a cup of
pudding, you probably have no idea that
the only thing between you and disaster
is the strength of the pudding skin.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I come back as an animal in my next
lifetime, I hope it's some type of
parasite, because this is the part where
I take it easy!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I hope life isn't a big joke because I
don't get it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The face of a child can say it all,
especially the mouth part of the face.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I believe in making the world safe for
our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children
should be having sex.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I hope in the future Americans are
thought of as warlike, vicious people,
because I bet a lot of high schools
would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When Rick told me he was having trouble
with his wife, I had to laugh. Not
because of what he said, but because of

a joke I thought of. I told him the

joke, but he didn't laugh very much.
Some friend he is.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Whether they ever find life there or
not, I think Jupiter should be
considered an enemy planet.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I
had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of
strategy. First, he punched me, then he
kicked me, then he punched me again.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
We like to raise birds for flying. But
how much of it is actually flying, and
how much of it is just sort of coasting
from the previous flap?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The old pool shooter had won many a game
in his life. But now it was time to hang
up the cue. When he did, all the other
cues came crashing to the floor.
"Sorry, "he said with a smile.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish my name was Todd, because then I
could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd
Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last
name was Blankenship.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think a new, different kind of bowling
should be "carpet bowling." It's just
like regular bowling, only the lanes
are carpet instead of wood. I don't
know why we should do this, but my God,
we've got to try something!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
One day one of my little nephews came up
to me and asked me if the equator was a
real line that went around the Earth, or
just an imaginary one. I had to laugh.
Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know,
and I thought that maybe by laughing he
would forget what he asked me.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think a good gift for the President
would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have

to run up to him real quick and hand it

to him.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
You know something that would really
make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in
quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly
comes shooting out, riding on water
skis! How do they do that?!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
It's too bad that whole families have to
be torn apart by something as simple as
wild dogs.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Instead of having "answers" on a math
test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a
different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish outer-space guys would conquer
Earth and make people their pets,
because I'd like to have one of those
little basket beds with my name on it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Is there anything more beautiful than a
beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset?
And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And
also, you're drunk.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
You can't tell me that cowboys, when
they're branding cattle, don't sort of
"accidentally" brand each other every
once in a while. It's their way of
letting off stress.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think Superman and Santa Claus are
actually the same guy, and I'll tell you
why: both fly, both wear red, and both
have a beard.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Sometimes I think the world has gone
completely mad. And then I think, "Aw,
who cares?" And then I think, "Hey,
what's for supper?"

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

If you're traveling in a time machine,
and you're eating corn on the cob, I
don't think it's going to affect things
one way or the other. But here's the
point I'm trying to make: corn on the
cob is good, isn't it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Marta says the interesting thing about
fly fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand. Come on,
Marta. Grow up.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Probably to a shark, about the funniest
thing there is is a wounded seal, trying
to swim to shore, because where does he
think he's going?!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
A man doesn't automatically get my
respect. He has to get down in the dirt
and beg for it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,
just go limp, because maybe you'll look
like a dummy and people will try to
catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet one legend that keeps recurring
throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you define cowardice as running away
at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy,
then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am
a coward.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're a circus clown, and you have
a dog that you use in your act, I don't
think it's a good idea to also dress
the dog up like a clown, because people
see that and they think, "Forgive me, but
that's just too much."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you were a gladiator in olden days,
I bet the inefficiency of how the
gladiator fights were organized and
scheduled would just drive you up a wall.

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

It's easy to sit and scoff at an old
man's folly. But also, check out his
Adam's apple!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
It's true that every time you hear a
bell, an angel gets his wings. But what
they don't tell you is, every time you
hear mousetrap snap, an angel gets set
on fire.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I
hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way
that tells the reader we are going to
have fun with this thing.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think a good movie would be about a
guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets
hit on the head and it damages the part
of the brain that makes you want to
study the brain.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're a boxing referee, it's
probably illegal to wear a bow tie that
spins or changes colors.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Why is it that we laugh at a man in a clown
outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just
walking down the street carrying a clown
outfit in one of those plastic dry cleaner bags?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I hope they never find out that
lightning has a lot of vitamins in it,
because do you hide from it or not?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Whenever someone asks me to define love,
I usually think for a minute, then I
spin around and pin the guys arm behind
his back. NOW who's asking the
questions?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet the main reason the police keep
people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying
down in the crash stuff, then when

somebody comes up act like they just woke

up and go, "What was that?!"
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a
feather. That's right, a feather. How
could anyone be afraid of a feather, you
say. That's an honest question, and
I'll try to give it an honest answer.
First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
What is it that makes a complete
stranger dive into an icy river to save
a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never
know.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish I would have a real tragic love
affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a
few years, because I was thinking about
doing that anyway.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When I heard that trees grow a new
"ring" for each year they live, I
thought, we humans are kind of like
that: we grow a new layer of skin each
year, and after many years we are thick
and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you
were a catapult operator, I bet the most
common question people would ask is,
"Can't you make it shoot farther?" No.
I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I hope if dogs ever take over the world,
and they choose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you want to be the popular one at a
party, here's a good thing to do: Go up
to some people who are talking and laughing
and say, "Well, technically that's illegal."
It might fit in with what somebody just
said. And even if it doesn't, so what,
I hate this stupid party.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

To me, it's a good idea to always carry

two sacks of something when you walk
around. That way, if anybody says,
"Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish there was a disease where you're
afraid of clouds, because I think I
could cure it. First, you sit the
patient down and have a long personal
talk. After that, I'm not sure, but
maybe you could throw some water in his
face or something.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Just because swans mate for life, I
don't think it's that big of a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that
looks that much better than the one
you've got, so why not mate for life.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
People laugh when I say that I think a
jellyfish is one of the most beautiful
things in the world. What they don't
understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long,
blond hair.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When you're going up the stairs and you
take a step, kick the other leg up
behind you to keep people from following
too close.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't
shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
Instead try to get some weeding done,
because you'd really be surprised.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If trees could scream, would we be so
cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time,
for no good reason.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I'd like to see a nude opera, because
when they hit those high notes I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble

efforts of my lifetime will someday be

small way,
they will be acknowledged as the
greatest works of genius ever created
by Man.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
To bad there's not such a thing as a
golden skunk, because you'd probably be
proud to be sprayed by one.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I think in one of my previous lives I
was a mighty king, because I like people
to do what I say.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river
of molten lava, let 'em go, because,
man, they're gone.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet a funny thing about driving a car
off a cliff is, while you're in midair,
you still hit those brakes! Hey, better
try the emergency brake!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
As the light changed from red to green
to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life. Was it
nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The crows seemed to be calling his name,
thought Caw.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Of all the warning sounds that animals
make, I think the one that's the least
effective on me is a kind of clicking
noise.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The sound of fresh rain run-off
splashing from the roof reminded me of
the sound of urine splashing into a
filthy Texaco latrine.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you go parachuting, and your
parachute doesn't open, and your friends
are all watching you fall, I think a
funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

noticed, and maybe, in some

Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey

If I come back as a horsefly, I think my
favorite thing would be to land on
someone's lip. Even if they smash you,
ick!, you're all over their lip!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When people say that the desert is
lifeless, it just makes me want to grab
them by the collar and yell, "Why you
stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive
them out into the desert to where the
circus is, and point out the many forms
of zebra and clown life.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you go through a lot of hammers each
month, I don't think it necessarily
means you're a hard worker. It may just
mean that you have a lot to learn about
proper hammer maintenance.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I was being executed by injection,
I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then,
when they came to get me, I'd say,
"Injection? I thought you said
`inspection'" They'd probably feel
real bad, and maybe I could get out of
it.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
People think it would be fun to be a
bird because you could fly. But they
forget the negative side, which is the
preening.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand
and envision a whole universe. But the
stupid man will just lay down on some
seaweed and roll around until he's
completely draped in it. Then he'll
stand up and go, "Hey, I'm de Vine Man."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
When the age of the Vikings came to a
close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one
evening, slapped each other on the back
and said, "Hey, good job."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Children need encouragement. So if a
kid gets an answer right, tell him it

was a lucky guess. That way, he

develops a good, lucky feeling.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me
real mad when someone says something
like "Hey, when are you going to pay me
that hundred dollars you owe me?" or
"Do you have that fifty dollars you
borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you ever teach a yodeling class,
probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel
right off. You see, we build to that.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Blow ye winds,
Like the trumpet blows;
But without that noise.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat
pioneer woman in the back with an arrow,
and she fires her shotgun into the
ground as she falls over, is like the
top thing you can do.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Sometimes I think I'd be better off
dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're a blacksmith, probably the
proudest day of your life is when you
get your first anvil.
How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
You know one thing that will really make
a woman mad? Just run up and kick her
in the butt. (P.S. This also works
with men.)
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're ever stuck in some thick
undergrowth, in your underwear, don't
stop and start thinking of what other
words have "under" in them, because
that's probably the first sign of jungle
madness.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in
ancient Egypt, one thing you would

constantly find yourself telling people

would be, "Be sure, before I start, you
have all the jewelry and so forth on the
body, because I am not unwrapping him
later."
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If you're in a boxing match, try not to
let the other guy's glove touch your
lips, because you don't know where that
glove has been.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because
then you could keep both Dracula and
Superman away.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
If I had the time to sit down and write
a thank-you note to everyone who sent
me a nice, expensive present, what a
wonderful world that would be!
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by
the very tiptop and bend it clear over
to the ground and then let her fly, because
I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff
that comes flying out.
Deep Thoughts - By Jack Handey
Love is not something that you can put
chains on and throw into a lake. That's
called Houdini. Love is liking someone
a lot.
Jews and Chinese
An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time that they've flown
together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along!
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters. "I don't like
Chinese".
The First Officer replies, "Ooooh, no rike Chinese, why that?"
"You bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, Noooo, Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor, dat Japanese not
Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, ..it doesn't matter, they are all
alike!"
Another thirty minutes of silence and finally the first officer says,
"No rike Jews!"
"Why not, why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic"

"No.... no.... the Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg.....no mattah.....all the same!"
_________________________________________________________________

KIDS' ADVICE TO KIDS

Submitted by iVillagers Missygail & Vikki A.
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer. " Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working. " Michael, 14
"Stay away from prunes. " Randy, 9
"Never pee on an electric fence. " Robert, 13
"Don't squat with your spurs on. " Noronha, 13
"Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. " Emily, 10
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. " Taylia,11
"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. " Traci, 14
"Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers. " Mitchell,12
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. " Andrew, 9
"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. " Kyoyo, 9
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. " Armir, 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. " Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. " Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. " Lauren, 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. " Joel,10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. " Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, 8

KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE

"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching."
-Andrew, Age 9

"Wear a hat when feeding sea gulls."

-Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
-Stephanie, age 8
"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
-Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your
parents are doing taxes."
-Carrol, age 9
"Never bug a pregnant mom."
-Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
-Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?'
don't answer him."
-Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."
-Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
-Scott, age 11
"Never do pranks at a police station."
-Sam, age 10
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
-Rob, age 10
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do
what your mom told you to do."
-Hank, age 12
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
-Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
-Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes."

-Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
-Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
-Cynthia, age 8
"Remember the two places you are always welcome---church and
Grandma's house."
-Joanne, age 11
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
-Matthew, age 12
A cheerful heart is good medicine...
(Prov 17:22a)

Kids on Marriage
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based
on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something
to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date. - Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about
me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the
right thing to do. - Howard,age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would
be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

Kiki Eric and Raggot

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake.

But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski
told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake
City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew
"Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment
after a sexual escapade had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot,
our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the
tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference a hospital spokesperson described
what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal
gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's
hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the
gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket
of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a
cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns and a broken nose
from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and
second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
TOP 10 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Hello!

9. "...so I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhh! I'm sorry, bu
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.
8. That poor gerbil being shot out of that guy's ass like Rocky
the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing here, but I seriously doubt
the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey
into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6. People walking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas
in their rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they
were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I
think I would have made up a story about a gang of raving,
pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and
sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the
truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a
doctor and saying, "Well, doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named
Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this
make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome
relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something
like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five
most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up butts."
2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference about
this??
1. This happened in Salt Lake City? What kind of people are
those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the
Osmond family.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new
to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22footBayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted
over to a nearby marina. Maybe, she thought, they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and
down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped into the water to
check underneath the boat. He quickly came back up, choking on water because he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Lessons in life.

Steven and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I
have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?
To which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the
grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket.
Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, you're going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself."

>
> A cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
>
> Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
> Indian , looking at the cowboy like he's nuts : "Dog don't talk."
> Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right."
> Indian:(Look of shock!)
> Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
> Dog: "Yep."
> Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me
> twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once
> a week to play."
> Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
> Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
> Indian:"Horse no talk."
> Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
> Horse: "Cool."
> Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
> Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
> Horse: "Yep."
> Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
> Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me
> regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to
> protect me from the elements."
> Indian: (Look of total amazement)
> Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Little Johnies Mom

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his Mom's bedroom and saw her
rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her
doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he >peeked
into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw
himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Little Nancys goldfish
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole
when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the youngster was up to, he
asked in his friendliest way, "What are you
up to, Nance
"My goldfish died, " replied Nancy tearfully,
without looking up, " and
I've just buried him."
The neighbor commented,
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then
replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Subject: I had to send this to a "few chosen ones"

Beware this is gross!

JUST ANOTHER MEDICAL TALE OF BORING PROPORTIONS

What do you think they put as the cause of death on the death
certificate for this lady?

One morning around 5 am, 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery,

Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought
she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that
it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of having
diarrhea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon
sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting
noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next
few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide
of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet,
white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the
police.
When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci unconscious lying
on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.
Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The
medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg
which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was
lying there all twisted up.
When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he
exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip
of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor
with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the medic stared at the creature
that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It
was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for
water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to
the
toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down
into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he
cannot look into a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was
boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious
pace.
If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:
Ms. DeLucci's death was the result of a combination of shock and severe
head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw
what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on
the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by police that two
nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish
market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into
her vagina to derive physical pleasure.
At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to
flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX
video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a

paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster
along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the
lobsters tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the
same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track and colon
were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings.
Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the
water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the
lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's vagina when she was
torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms.
DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period. Doctors believe
that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect pH
balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the
popular 'Sea Monkey' pets sold
throughout the US. Overnight the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began
doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain she was in
when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp
in her toilet.........

OK.......Who's up for Red Lobster tonight.......

Love Story
I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU...
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP.
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED
WITH YOU.
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU
Now get your mind out of the gutter..............

Midgets
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, "I know this midget with a
speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner
asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth", the midget replies. So, the owner shows him
one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the
horse's mouth. "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" The owner picks up the midget and shows him the
horse's eyes."Ah, nith eyesth." Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks
up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. "OK, good earsth." Finally, can I see her twat." With

that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's privates, then pulls him out. Shaking
his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I pleathe see her run?"

Man of the year Awards

3rd Place goes to

2nd Place goes to

AND the winner of the Man of the Year goes to . . .

Mind Reader
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got
out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with
relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have
a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what
I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket
you're holding has a bottom.'

Subject: Water
"Billy" It was one of the hottest days of the dry season. We had not seen rain in almost a month. The crops
were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk. The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth. It
was a dry season that would bankrupt seven farmers before it was through. Every day, my husband and his
brothers would go about the arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this process had
involved taking a truck to the local water rendering plant and filling it up with water. But severe rationing
had cut everyone off. If we didn't see some rain soon...we would lose everything. It was on this day that I
learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes. I was in
the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my six-year old son, Billy, walking
toward the woods. He wasn't walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious
purpose. I could only see his back. He was obviously walking with a great effort...trying to be as still as
possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house. I went
back to making sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed. Moments later,
however, he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods. This activity went on
for an hour: walk carefully to the woods, run back to the house. Finally I couldn't take it any longer and I
crept out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very careful not to be seen...as he was
obviously doing important work and didn't need his Mommy checking up on him). He was cupping both
hands in front of him as he walked; being very careful not to spill the water he held in them...maybe two or
three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands. I sneaked close as he went into the woods. Branches and
thorns slapped his little face but he did not try to avoid them. He had a much higher purpose. As I leaned in
to spy on him, I saw the most amazing sight. Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right
up to them. I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously
close. But the buck did not threaten him...he didn't even move as Billy knelt down. And I saw a tiny fawn
laying on the ground, obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great
effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy's hand. When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to
run back to the house and I hid behind a tree. I followed him back to the house; to a spigot that we had shut
off the water to. Billy opened it all the way up and a small trickle began to creep out. He knelt there, letting
the drip slowly fill up his makeshift "cup," as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me.
The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before. The lecture he had received about
the importance of not wasting water. The reason he didn't ask me to help him. It took almost twenty
minutes for the drops to fill his hands. When he stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of

him. His little eyes just filled with tears. "I'm not wasting," was all he said. As he began his walk, I joined
him...with a small pot of water from the kitchen. I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed away. It was his job. I
stood on the edge of the woods watching the most beautiful heart I have ever known working so hard to
save another life. As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, they were suddenly joined
by other drops...and more drops...and more. I looked up at the sky. It was as if God, himself, was weeping
with pride. Some will probably say that this was all just a huge coincidence. That miracles don't really
exist. That it was bound to rain sometime. And I can't argue with that...I'm not going to try. All I can say is
that the rain that came that day saved our farm...just like that actions of one little boy saved another. To
honor the memory of my beautiful Billy, who was taken from me much too soon.... But not before showing
me the true face of God, in a little sunburned body.
--Author Unknown
NATIONAL SECURITY
Dear staff members:
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be
stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of
you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code
will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea
and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be
required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello,
My Name Is ... . ."
The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer
be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com
<http://www.moammar.com>, www.swedechicks.com
<http://www.swedechicks.com>, or www.hackers-r-us.com
<http://www.hackers-r-us.com> . Links to all Disney sites will be
maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will
no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of
leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter
supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts
of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you parents who are
helping the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational
use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for

Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players
during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must
enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer
admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking
in late.

Naughty fairy tales

Naughty Fairy Tales # 1
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from
behind a tree, and holding a Machete to Her > throat, said, 'Red, I'm going to screw your brains out.'
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and
pointed it at him and said, 'No you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book'
**********************************************************Naughty Fairy Tales # 2
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit > Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sand paper wherever indicated, and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A
couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, 'How's the
girlfriend?' Pinocchio replied, 'Who needs a girlfriend?
**********************************************************Naughty Fairy Tales # 3
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his
back, and then sat on his face crying, 'Lie to me, Lie to me'
********************************************************** Naughty Fairy Tales # 4
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the
garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to
the ball but only on two conditions.
'First, you must wear a diaphragm.' Cinderella agrees. 'What's the second?' 'You must be home by 2 a.m.
any later and your > diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show
up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. 'Where have you been?'
demands the fairy godmother. 'Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago' 'I met
a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.' 'I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell
me his name' 'I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other....'
**********************************************************Naughty Fairy Tales #5
Mickey Mouse and Mini Mouse were in divorce court and the Judge said to Mickey, 'You say here that
your wife is crazy.' Mickey replied, 'No I didn't. I said she's fuckin' Goofy.'

Notes"
John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His
wife, Heather, had already awakened, though, and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote a note, called to his little boy, and asked him to
bring the note to his wife. It read:
The tent pole is up,

The canvas is spread,

The hell with breakfast,
Come back to bed.
Heather answered the note with one of her own and asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:
Take the tent pole down,
Put the canvas away,
The monkey had a hemorrhage,
No circus today.
John read the note and scribbled a reply. He asked his son to take it
to his wife. The note read:
The tent pole's still up,
And the canvas still spread,
So drop what you're doing,
And come give me some head.
Heather answered the note and asked her son to deliver it to herhusband. The note read:
I'm sure that your pole's
The best in the land.
But I'm busy right now,
So do it by hand!

Nurse's Revenge
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy
businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the
head nurse stood up to him.
One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining
for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling
the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like
that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people
walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going
on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
OFFICE LINGO
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to
the boss. Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project
failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in
the end. Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the
brass with clean hands.
CLM Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss
while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall
from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geekin-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time
this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or
department soon. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error messages "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404,
man."
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
again. Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of
cubicles) and everyone's head pops up over the walls to see what's going on.

Out of the mouth of babes!!

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in the bedroom.
The 7 year old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them
begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7
year old says, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll
say Hell" and you say "ass."
The 4 year old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at
the breakfast table, their Mother walks in and asks her older son what he
would like to eat for breakfast.
The 7 year old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some
Cheerios.WHACK!" the surprised mother reacts quickly.
The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner voice, the mother then asks the younger son,
And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's
not gonna be Cheerios."

Palm Sunday
It was Palm Sunday and Sue's five year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat.
Whenthe family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, Jesus shows up!"
Perspectives
Subject: Work.............Interesting perspective Hmmm.......
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to
pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.
Now get back to work...

Pionts to ponder 2
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected
ounces. "UP"
indicated the direction of the bubbles.

because the original containers were 7

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't
know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne
particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute
for blood plasma.
American car horns beep in the tone of F.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
Television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of

varieties of pickles the company once had.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia
combined.
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Points to ponder.
There are two things I've learned for certain: There IS a God and I'm not Him. (or her)
Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a
hamburger.
Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a
permanent job.
A coincidence is when God performs a miracle and decides to remain anonymous.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.
Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the REACH of God's grace.
And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the NEED of God's grace.
When it comes time to die, make sure that all you have left to do is die.

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than

briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at
all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my
baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful
enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big
noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown.
Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night
without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy
centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that
delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers,
florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts
him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical
warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Quick Thinker
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he
> >settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful
> >woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's
> >heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she
> >takes the seat right beside his.
>>
> >Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
> >"Business trip or vacation?"
>>
> >She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the
> >annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
>>
> >He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he
> >has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a
> >meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his
> >composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role
> >at this convention?"

>>
> >"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk
> >some of the popular myths about sexuality."
>>
> >"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are
> >those?"
>>
> >"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African
> >American men are the most well endowed when, in fact,
> >it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to
> >possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
> >men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of
> >Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best
> >potential lover in all categories is the Southern Red Neck."
>>
> >Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and
> >blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be
> >discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
>>
> >"Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!...but my
> >friends call me Bubba!

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I WILL remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this issue, so I propose this compromise. You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come
off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate;
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: You may think that in order for us to get to know one another,
we should talk aboutr sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
word I need from you on this subject is "early".
Rule Six: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to daaaate other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with
you. If you make her cry, I WILL make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stank in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to

appear, and more than an hour has gone by, do not sigh and fidgit. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful--like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tanktops, midriffs, T-shirts or anything
other than overalls, a sweater and a goose-down parka zipped up to her
throat. Movies with a strong, romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which feature chainsaws are okay, hockey games are okay. Old folks
homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all knowing merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 acres
behind the house. Do NOT trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my daughter home. As soon as yhou pull into the driveway, you should
exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

She was sooooooooooBlonde...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought GeneralMotors was in the Army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boys II Men was a day-care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign
here" she wrote "Sagittarius".
She was soooooooooBlonde...
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kit was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."
She was soooooooooBlonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent twenty minutes looking at an orange juice

can because it said "Concentrate."
She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk"
and "Don't Walk."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was soooooooooBlonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on the "Soul
Train."
She sold her car for gas money.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
She was sooooooBlonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.
She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind she would be
speechless.
She thought she could only use her AM radio in the
mornings.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF" which she thought
stood for "This Goes in Front."
Sneeze for fun.

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a
plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her
legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did and decides he is probably
hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't
believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has
finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times
you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you
just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I
have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking
for it?"
The woman looks at him and says,
"Pepper."
A few weeks a woman had just been killed in an auto accident. She was a
teacher and was very well liked, the school systems shut down for her funeral
and it was on the news and so on. On the day the teachers came back to
work, they found this poem in their e-mail that the deceased woman had sent
on Friday before she left school.

When tomorrow starts without me,

and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way

There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Send this to all those you care about...because you never know what's going
to happen tomorrow. And remember it is always the right time to tell someone
or show someone how much you care.
I wish to thank each and every one of you for being part of my Road
Adventure.(1,2 &3) You will always be part of life and who I am. Take care
and God bless.
Darlene

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped
them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time."

Last week I went to a seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr. Nicholas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.
He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress, which I would like to share with you. When you have
had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at
your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal
thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very
comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the
thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not

become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it
you will notice in small print the statement, "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY
tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control
at the Q-Tip Company."
Subject: Archaeologists
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of
the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and
a Star of David. It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand
years old. The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the
world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
the meaning of the markings. The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks
like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can
also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have
animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even
had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine
had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol
appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded
enthusiastically. But, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read
from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"

Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up,
surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from,
boy?"The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"The guy
responds, "I'm a taxidermist."The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a
taxidermist?"The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole
bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

TEN WAYS TO GET ALONG WITH PARENTS

Living with a teen is tough. And, as far as teen-agers are

concerned, living with adults is tough, too. But if you've got to
live together, you might as well make the most of it, and learn
to enjoy each other.
(Parents: you may want to copy this for your teens.)
How to treat your parents:
1 Treat them as you want them to treat you. Even though it
sounds basic, if you want to be treated with respect and
fairness, then you must treat your parents the same way.
2 Remember, parents are people, too. This means they are
human, make mistakes, lose their temper, and say things they
don't necessarily mean. They want to do their best,
especially in raising their children.
3 Handle the ordinary, and the special will take care of

itself. If you handle your normal curfews, chores, and school

responsibilities, you will have a better chance to have the
rules relaxed when something special comes up.
4 It's OK to call timeout during family arguments. If you, or
your parents, get emotional during arguments - saying things
you don't mean - agree to timeout, and come back to the issue
when everyone has cooled down. Just be sure that you
eventually do resolve the issue.
5 Talk to your parents. Communication begins with a
willingness to just talk. Make it a point to have real
conversation every day about the things going on in your life
- and theirs.
6 Plan escape routes. Everyone gets into difficult situations,
whether on a date, at a party, or out with friends. Think
about your options, before the event occurs.
7 Agree on the basics. Talk with your parents about curfews,
school expectations, household chores, driving with friends,
and other issues, rather than relying on mind-reading.
Perhaps you can renegotiate the basics on your birthday, so
as you get older you gain more rights and responsibilities.
8 Tell your parents that they are doing a good job. Parents
get little training on how to be good parents. It's more like
"trial and error." You'll surprise them by telling them they
are doing OK.
9 Try to become friends with your parents. As you get older,
you will be their friends. So, begin being friendly, talking
with them, and sharing some time together.
10 Learn how to say, "I'm sorry." It's a sign of maturity to
admit that you are wrong about something, or at fault. This
will go a long way toward good relationships with your
parents.

Subject: ages

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa ... virgin and
unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia ... hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America ... fully
explored,
breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe ... exhausted, but still has many points of interest.
5. After 58 she is like Australia everybody knows it's down
there, but who gives a damn ?
==================================================
Men's Ages:
1. Between the ages of 18 and 32 ... Tri weekly.
2. Between the ages of 32 and 50 ... try, weekly.
3. Over 50 ... try !!!!

A Doctor / Lawyer & Biker - ------------------------------------Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting
in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his
martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my
anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new
Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring,
then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will
know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my

last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and
a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the
pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip,
and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said,
"Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt
and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then
she could go fuck herself

The class of 2002

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums....
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.
The digital Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know that "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" is Jenny's phone number.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard the term "Where's the beef?".

Do you feel old now? Remember that the people who don't know these things will be in college this year.

The Considerate Husband

Dear Friends:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job, it became necessary for
Rosie to continue to work her full-time job, with some overtime both for
extra income and for health benefits that we need. She was a trained
Claims Processing about five years ago and was working at a local
insurance claims company.
It was shortly after she started working extra hours at this job that I noticed
that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from Jet Skiing or from a friends house about the same time she gets
done with work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says
that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try
not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her
time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just
tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is
now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does

seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Rosie
used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now
that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes
she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a
big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening
I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday
lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or
Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until
the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things
like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Rosie is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you,
but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods
than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to
take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I over look
comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I
try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I
tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is
making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break
by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know
that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Rosie on a daily
basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is
easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one
knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.
My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I
realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have
attained is out of reach for the average man.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
... P.S. Doug's funeral was on Saturday, February 15th 2003
Rosie was acquitted Monday, February 17th.2003

Subject: The F Word

The "F" Word

We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word!

There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for
use:
10. "What the f__was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at them f__ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any F___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f__ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1928
6."How the f__did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f__ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f__are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3."Scattered f__ing showers...My Ass! ' - Noah, 4314BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the F__'s going to find out? " -Bill Clinton, 1999
An! d number #1....drum roll.....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f__ing mad !! " - Saddam
Hussein
The Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later,
and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a
divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no
wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more
country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

Here's a story you will never forget..... In fact, you may want to have
a box of Kleenex handy! :~ - )
Be careful who is around when you read this - laughter could get you in
trouble. Sent to me by a retired Naval Commander
===========================================
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs in this
group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer
fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks
ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a
Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar,
indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night
is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering
from table to table entertaining the little bastards.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to
those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment. We went
through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar
then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible
in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my
move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were
consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of
the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated.
Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and
such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was
in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was
having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was
building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been
passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear
that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease
can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food
which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon
entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the
right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One
of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to
the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a
good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only
thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails
with a pair of diagional wirecutters is having someone walk in on me
while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped

stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time
lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the
circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall,the
pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to
explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given
second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of
physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any
circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously
approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass
toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and
pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time.
It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in
the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass
is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures
that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet
in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is
truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet
dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor
and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those
little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner
so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had
eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a
rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined
with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four
plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are
a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was
diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on
the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled
down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now,
most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter
what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an
evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting
takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any
food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention
was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be
described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of
"30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what
seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of
shit the consistancy of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy
liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way
down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and
of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat

that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall
at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initally hit
the toilet seat. Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occured, I was already half-way to sitting
anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always
considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you
get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you
may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force,
was not so sufficient as to completely glance off the toilet seat and
deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a
puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at
the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a
puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about
one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way
up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had
filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just
consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when
vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the
toilet,though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head
above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and
waist.

Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point
just midway between my knees and my ankles.
Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants
with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of
macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast
Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit
at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple
of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my
pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the
toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about
five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the
back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit
was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a
toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac
to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I
was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying
hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get
the manager. And I told him to have the manager bring some toilet

paper.
When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but
in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that
there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the
stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my
wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that
point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit
in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing
what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained
to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out the words) that
I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had
experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I
had laid down a small turd or something and just needed her to being
the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm
sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and
purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by
that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles
thingies) new sneakers.
And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She
began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I
promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control
for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few
dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured
me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned.
Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in
that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone
to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making
minimum wage or just slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the
situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I
will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and
tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to
make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He
hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began
cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my
wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall,
whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag
that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife.
I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes,
still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste
to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be
standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point,
I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up
the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center
of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had

intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but
when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet
me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought
I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car
where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at
Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of
any restaurant in which I have eaten.
The Numbers Game!
A Fun Number Game Here is another one DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1749. If you haven't, add 1748.

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many
times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age!!! This is the only year (1999) it
will ever work, so spread the fun around while it lasts...

The old lady

(___)

/'
'\
/ /" \ \
\_/o o\_/
( _ )
'\ /'
/\\V//\
/ /_ _\ \
\ \__ _/ /
||
||
||
||
||_ _ _||
|_____|
|||
/Y\
'"'"'
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put
the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went
to the check out counter where she told the check out
girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but
we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have
a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the
management wants proof that you are buying the cat food
for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and
brought it back to the store.

One Cat:

|\_._/|
|oo|
( T )
.^`-^-'^.
`. ; .'
|||||
((_((|))_))

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought
12 of the most expensive dog cookies -- one for each day
of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that
she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes
eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and
brought in her dog.

One Doggie:
__----_
/##|
\

/###| | \___ O
|####|
\
|####|
|
\####/ _____/
\### /
====
/
\
| |_
\
\___/
|
\
/
_| |_ |__
She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the
lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her
finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing
in the box that would bite her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it
out and told the little old lady, "That smells like
poop."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my
dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a little old lady:

THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were
undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put
these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this
family. With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's
right, and that's the way its going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting

room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking
tired and somber.
Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said: "I'm afraid I'm the
bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, and you will
have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a
great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for
a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man,
unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more
expensive?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price
of the female brains, because they've been used."

The son of a tree

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just
then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my
pecker in."

THE THREE BEARS IN 2003:

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!",
he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and
sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and
it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?!!,"he roars. Momma Bear puts her head
through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"Sonovabitch!!! how many times do we have to go
through this with you idiots? It was
Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who
woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made
the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the
dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early
morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear
who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the
friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled
the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've
decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and
grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,

listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more
time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET !!

The work week

> >*Always give 100% at work..............

> >*12% on Monday
> >*23% on Tuesday
> >*40% on Wednesday
> >*20% on Thursday
> >*5% on Fridays
> >And remember.................
> >When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are
> >trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only
> >4 to extend your finger and flip them off.Now get back to work.

THINGS TO SAY WHEN STRESSED AT WORK!

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing."
3. "Well, this day was a total waste of make-up."
4. "Well, aren't we a fuckin' ray of sunshine?"
5. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
6. "EXCUSE ME...Do I look like a people person?"
7. "This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting!"
8. "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left."
9. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose."
10. "Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?"
11. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 50 years." (MY case its 40)
12. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
13. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
14. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
15. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet."
16. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
17. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
18. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
19. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
20. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
21. "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done."
22. "Ambivalent? Well, yes and no."
23. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
24. "Earth is full. Go home."
25. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
26. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
27. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
28. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
29. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!"
30. "Jeez!!! Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T

And your crybaby-whiny opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You!... Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

This for all you fathers of little girls out there! Little Billy and Peggy are only 10 years old, but they just
know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Peggy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Peggy are in love and I want to ask you for her
hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you are only 10. Where will you two
live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies "In Peggy's room. It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're
not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Peggy." Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our
allowance...Peggy makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60bucks a month, and
that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Billy has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a
moment trying to come up with something that Billy won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Billy, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for
you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Billy just shrugs his
shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

This is your Captain Speaking

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for
the flight to leave; they're getting a little
impatient, but the airport staff has assured them
that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight

can take off immediately after that. The entrance

opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in
pilots' uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses, one
is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping
his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the
men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the
engines start up. The passengers begin glancing
nervously around, searching for some sign that this
is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway,
and people at the windows realize that they're headed
straight for the water at the edge of the airport
territory. As it begins to look as though the plane
will never take off, that it will plow into the
water, panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment,
the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they
have all retreated into their magazines, secure in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot
and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're
going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Three Religious Truths:

1.The Jews don't recognize the Messiah.
2.Protestants don't recognize the Pope.
3.Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other.

Through the eyes of a child

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the
men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his
mother cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.
_____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to
arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them
to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie
replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father
and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how
Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the
matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who
are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I
was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_________ ______________________________________
A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of
school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens
at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Tiger Woods
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new
bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big deal in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy only."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" the husband asked.
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah"
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it to me a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it to me again."
The guy slams downs the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn
hole'"

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to.

10. Tommy Lee's---------Camp Kickachickee

9. Lorena Bobbit's-----Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's-----Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's------Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's----Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's------Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton'sCamp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---Camp Lickacoochie
1.
Monica Lewinsky's---Camp Suckapeepee

TOP 25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE ALREADY GROWN UP

>
>1. Your potted plants stay alive.
>
>2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
>
>3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
>
>4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
>
>5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
>
>6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
>
>7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
>
>8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
>
>9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
>
>10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids
>next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
>
>11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
>
>12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
>
>13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
>
>14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
>
>15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
>
>16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

>
>17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the
>beginning of one.
>
>18. MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
>
>19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not
>condoms and pregnancy test kits.
>
>20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
>
>21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
>
>22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet
>Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
>
>23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
>going to drink that much again."
>
>24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is
>for real work.
>
>25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a
>bar.
--- Top 50 Oxymorons...
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42 Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt head
30. Military intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. Extinct life
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian scientists

21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. New classic
16. Temporary tax increase
15. French bravery
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron
1. Microsoft Works

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue
a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing
ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and
give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so
he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked
each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" The doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were
having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get
their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost
every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an
hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking
someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the
out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and
pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...
THIS IS TRUE .... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer.
Does any one else find it frightening the majority of these took
place in California

BLONDES ON WEIGHT:
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat
this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
least
five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
amazing!", the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop
dead
that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
===============================
BLONDES ON RAMBLING:
So there's this blonde out for a walk, she comes to a river and sees
another
blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You are on the other side!"
===============================
Top Ten Times in History...when using the "F" word was
appropriate...
10) "What the f _ _ _ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these f _ _ _ ing Indians come from?" - Custer
8) "Any f _ _ _ ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein
7) "It does SO f _ _ _ ing look like her!" - Picasso
6) "How the f _ _ _ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the f _ _ _ ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f _ _ _ ing rain." - Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered f _ _ _ ing showers...my ass!" - Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a f _ _ _ ing hole in my head!" - JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the f _ _ _ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude
8. Maybe aches, but never guilt the morning after.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. Dressing up and fantasizing isn't considered kinky.
5. If you don't like what you get, you can just go next door.
4. It doesn't matter if anyone hears you moaning and groaning.
3. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
2. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
... and the number one reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL TOTALLY RUIN YOUR HIGH!

11. A baseball bat upside your head.
10. Your boss stopping in mid-sentence to ask you if you're high.
9. Walking in on your parents going at it like two greased, naked weasels.
8. During a Letterman re-run, your fat-assed girlfriend gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and you didn't
even know she was pregnant, man!
7. Shitting out what appears to be a completely intact ear of corn.
6. Accidentally using VHS tape-head-cleaner instead of Visine.
5. Cops burst into the corner store seconds after you walk in to pick up a bag of Doritos, a six-pack of Coke
and a giant can of vanilla cake frosting.
4. Getting your arm caught in an industrial paper-towel-perforating machine.
3. Your Furby starts quoting passages from Revelations.
2. Watching helplessly from across the street as an armed assailant pushes an elderly woman out a 32nd
floor window.
1. After "waking and baking," you settle down to read your morning copy of the Daily Dirt, only to
discover the first story is about YOU and your predilection for Great Danes dressed in crotchless leather
panties!

Training courses for men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell
the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping
It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About
to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levi's to
the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes
Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and
Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't
Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools
Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It Received from Cadre N. Griffin

TRIBUTE TO THE UNITED STATES

This, from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing. America: The Good Neighbor. Widespread but only
partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon
Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as
printed in the Congressional Record: "This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the
most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser
extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of
dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its
remaining debts to the United States. When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the
Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I
was there. I saw it. When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This
spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped. The Marshall Plan and the
Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries
are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans. I'd like to see just one of those countries that is
gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the
world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why
don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes? Why does no
other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese
technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk
about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times -and safely home
again. You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to
look at . Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of
them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to
spend here. When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the
Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke,
nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke. I can name you 5000 times when the Americans
raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to
the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.
Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them Get kicked
around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb

their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one those." Stand
proud, America! This is one of the best editorials that I have ever read regarding the United States. It is nice
that one man realizes it. I only wish that the rest of the world would realize it. We are always blamed For
everything, and never even get a thank you for the things we do. I would hope that each of you would send
this to as many people as you can and emphasize that They should send it to as many of their friends until
this letter is sent to every person on the web. I am just a single American that has read this, I SURE HOPE
THAT A LOT MORE READ IT SOON.

Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to der snouts,
And a yank on der manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me up sida da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities a screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And youse better show some respect!"

Woman's version of T'was the night before......

T'was the night before Christmas and
all through the kitchen; I
was cooking and baking and moanin'
and bitchin'. I've been here
for hours, I can't stop to rest. This
room's a disaster, just look
at this mess! Tomorrow I've got
thirty people to feed. They expect
all the trimmings. Who cares what I
need?!
My feet are both blistered, I've got
cramps in my legs. The cat
just knocked over a bowl full of
eggs. There's a knock at the door
and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the
microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's
almost done; my cookbook is soiled
with butter and crumbs. I've had
alI I can stand, I can't take
anymore; Then in walks my
husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his
balance unsteady; then grins as he
chuckles "The egg nog is ready!"
He looks all around and with
total regret, says, "What's taking
so long ... aren't you through
in here yet?"
As quick as a flash I reach for a
knife; He loses an earlobe; I
wanted his life! He flees from the
room in terror and pain and
screams, "MY GOD WOMAN,
YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what

is that smell? Oh darn it's the

pies! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a
mistake, but I put them on
BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there
still more ahead? If this is good
living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love
holidays; It just leaves me
exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I
live 'til next year, You won't
find me pulling my hair out in
here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and
a waiter; and if that doesn't
work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED

Union Rules
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to
check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, " Is this a union house?",
"No" she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets
$80, and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off in search of a
more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the
Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut
do the girls get?" The Madame replied' " the girls get $80, and the house gets $20." " That's more like it!"
the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunning attractive blonde. "I'd like her for
the night." "I'm sure you would sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese seventy-five year old
woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to der snouts,

And a yank on der manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me up sida da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities a screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And youse better show some respect!"

Valentines Day:
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner,
shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special
holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their
life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit
it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now
officially "Steak & BlowJob Day." Simple, effective and
self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a
day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no
special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just
a steak and a Blow Job. That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day
and Steak & Blow Job Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere
will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March!
It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as
with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So
spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

WEDDED BLISS
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait
to go out into town
And party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, poochy pooh. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my sweet baby lambikins?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12
different countries: Germany,
Holland,Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that can think of saying is, "Yes, my darling
pussy cat...... but the bar...you know...the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass
puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that the
she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that
are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres sweet cheeks?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
" But cutey pie...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words
and all that..."
"Awe you want some dirty words my stud muffin?...HERE, DRINK YOUR GOD DAMNED BEER! IN
YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS!, DIP SHIT, AND EAT YOUR STUPID ASS HORS D'OEUVRES!
BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!!" WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?
THAT I JUST FELL OFF THE FUCKING TURNIP TRUCK YOU WEASELY PIECE OF SHIT? NOW
SIT DOWN!!!
Subject: Fwd: young king arthur

Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So
the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have
a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise
men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many
people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer. The price would be high;
the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer
his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble
of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage,
made obscene noises ... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice
compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And
so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on
display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most
beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The
beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth
be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off
to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a
hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,

because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What's the moral of this story?
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!!

Which Tree does your Birthday fall under?

Dec 23 - Jan 1 Apple Tree
Jan 2 - Jan 11 Fir Tree
Jan 12 - Jan 24 Elm Tree
Jan 25 - Feb 3 Cypress Tree
Feb 4 - Feb 8 Poplar Tree
Feb 9 - Feb 18 Cedar Tree
Feb 19 - Feb 28 Pine Tree
Mar 1 - Mar 10 Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 - Mar 20 Lime Tree
Mar 21 Oak Tree
Mar 22 - Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree
Apr 1 - Apr 10 Rowan Tree
Apr 11 - Apr 20 Maple Tree
Apr 21 - Apr 30 Walnut Tree
May 1 - May 14 Poplar Tree
May 15 - May 24 Chestnut Tree
May 25 - Jun 3 Ash Tree
Jun 4 - Jun 13 Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 - Jun 23 Fig Tree
Jun 24 Birch Tree
Jun 25 - Jul 4 Apple Tree
Jul 5 - Jul 14 Fir Tree
Jul 15 - Jul 25 Elm Tree
Jul 26 - Aug 4 Cypress Tree
Aug 5 - Aug 13 Poplar Tree
Aug 14 - Aug 23 Cedar Tree
Aug 24 - Sep 2 Pine Tree
Sep 3 - Sep 12 Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 - Sep 22 Lime Tree
Sep 23 Olive Tree
Sep 24 - Oct 3 Hazelnut Tree
Oct 4 - Oct 13 Rowan Tree
Oct 14 - Oct 23 Maple Tree
Oct 24 - Nov 11 Walnut Tree
Nov 12 - Nov 21 Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 - Dec 1 Ash Tree
Dec 2 - Dec 11 Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 - Dec 21 Fig Tree
Dec 22 Beech Tree

APPLE TREE - (The love)

Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant
aura,flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love =
and

be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific =

talents,
lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination
FIR TREE (The Mysterious)
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything
beautiful,moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to =
it,
rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncounted lover, =
many
friends, many foes, very reliable.
ELM TREE (The Noble)
Minuteness, pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to =
not
forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and
faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for
others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.=20
CYPRESS (The Faithfulness)
Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy content,
optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness,
passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered,
unruly, pedantic and careless.
POPLAR (The Uncertainty)
Looks very decorative, no self-confident behavior, only courageous if
necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often
lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to
philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership serious.
CEDAR (The Confidence)
Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health not in =
the
least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined,
impatient, wants to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy
optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
PINE TREE (The Particularity)
Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life =
comfortable,
very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily =
in
love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many
disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
WEEPING WILLOW (The Melancholy)
Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves =
anything
beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious,
honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good
intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.
LIME TREE (The Doubt)
Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress =
and

labor, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes

sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make =
them
blossom,often wailing and complaining, very jealous, loyal.
HAZELNUT TREE (The Extraordinary)
Charming, undermining, very understanding, knows how to make an
impression,active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and =
capricious
lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.
ROWAN (The Sensitivity)
Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw =
attention,
loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and
independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company,
does not forgive.
MAPLE (Independence of Mind)
No ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and
reserved,ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences,
sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, =
complicated
love life,wants to impress.
WALNUT TREE (The Passion)
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, aggressive, noble, broad
horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no
flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often
admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no =
compromises.
CHESTNUT TREE (The Honesty)
Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of
justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and =
sensitive
in company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes
superior,feels not understood loves only once, has difficulties n =
finding a
partner.
ASH TREE (The Ambition)
Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care =
for
criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its
fate,can be egoistic, very reliable and trust-worthy, faithful and =
prudent
lover,sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very =
serious.
HORNBEAM (The good taste)
Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to
egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable,
disciplined life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and
acknowledgment, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with his/her
feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very

consciences.
FIG TREE (The Sensibility)
Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow =
contradictions
documents, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a
butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of =
practical
talent and intelligence.
OAK (Robust nature)
Courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not love
changes, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
BIRCH (The Inspiration)
Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does =
Not
like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in
calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates =
a
calm and content atmosphere.
OLIVE TREE (The Wisdom)
Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids
Aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense =
of
justice, sensitive, empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the
company of sophisticated people.
BEECH (The Creative)
Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good =
organization
of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks,
reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets,
sports, etc.).

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something or what is going on, that's smothering &domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be
sleeping around.
Visit to the psychiatrist: The Prescription
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked, "How often do I take these."
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you." replied the doctor.
"They're for your wife
25th Anniversary
On their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.
"Oh. it's not over yet", says he.
Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens
it in anticipation, "But what are these two little pills?"
"Aspirin", says he. "But I don't have a headache," says she.
"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't over yet," says he.

Why They Should Have His and Hers ATM Machines:

HIM:
Pull up to ATM
Insert card
Enter PIN number
Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
Pull up to ATM
Check makeup in rearview mirror
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car because you're too far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Insert card
Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
Enter PIN number
Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
Hit "cancel"
Re-enter correct PIN number
Check balance
Look for envelope
Look in purse for pen
Make out deposit slip
Endorse checks
Make deposit
Study instructions
Make cash withdrawal
Get in car
Check makeup
Look for keys.
Start car
Check makeup
Start pulling away
STOP

Back up to machine
Get out of car
Take card and receipt
Get back in car
Put card in wallet
Put receipt in checkbook
Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
Check makeup
Put car in gear, reverse
Put car in drive
Drive away from machine
Travel 3 miles
Release parking brake

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and
why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. Is that why Flipper was always
smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minutes? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right
side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
The goldfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30
minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)
> > WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP
>>>
> > > AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months
> > > saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received
> > > a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not
> > > Walter who's lacking intelligence.
>>>
> > > ------------------------------------------------------> > > WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
>>>
> > > Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
> > > attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
> > > himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas
> > > canisters, officers discovered that the man was
> > > standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
>>>

> > > ---------------------------------------------------> > > WHAT WAS PLAN B???
>>>
> > > An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
> > > motorist and forced him to drive to two different
> > > automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
> > > proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
>>>
> > > ------------------------------------------------------> > > SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!
>>>
> > > Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause
> > > of ablaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month > > > a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire
> > > prevention alarm system. "This is even worse
> > > than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when
> > > someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
>>>
> > > --------------------------------------------------------> > > THE GETAWAY!
>>>
> > > A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked
> > > for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the
> > > take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and
> > > worked the counter himself for three hours until
> > > police showed up and grabbed him.
>>>
> > > ------------------------------------------------------> > > DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
>>>
> > > In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties
> > > walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire
> > > protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
> > > officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his
> > > brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were
> > > shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch
> > > deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power
> > > drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the
> > > missing brain.
>>>
> > > ------------------------------------------------------> > > DID I SAY THAT???
>>>
> > > Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
> > > suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
> > > lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup
> > > to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
> > > shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
>>>
> > > ------------------------------------------------------> > > OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
>>>
> > > A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise
> > > when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded
> > > in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently
> > > stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as

> > > he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and
> > > jumping around with an explosion taking place
> > > inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike
> > > Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in
> > > custody.
>>>
> > > ------------------------------------------------------> > > ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
> > > A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
> > > pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
> > > apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
> > > "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"
>>>
> > > --------------------------------------------------------->>
> > > NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
>>>
> > > In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for
> > > trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a
> > > weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
> > > gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his
> > > pocket.
>>>
>
>
>
> > > ----------------------------------------------------> > > THE LAWN!
>>>
> > > A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when
> > > a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple
> > > hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and
> > > strange clothing. It was determined that the patient
> > > had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate
> > > surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
> > > operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair
> > > had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo
> > > reading, "Keep off the grass." After the prep and the
> > > surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the
> > > dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Wisdom
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even
that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because
it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem brighter.

Woman's version of T'was the night before......

T'was the night before Christmas and
all through the kitchen; I
was cooking and baking and moanin'
and bitchin'. I've been here
for hours, I can't stop to rest. This

room's a disaster, just look

at this mess! Tomorrow I've got
thirty people to feed. They expect
all the trimmings. Who cares what I
need?!
My feet are both blistered, I've got
cramps in my legs. The cat
just knocked over a bowl full of
eggs. There's a knock at the door
and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the
microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's
almost done; my cookbook is soiled
with butter and crumbs. I've had
alI I can stand, I can't take
anymore; Then in walks my
husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his
balance unsteady; then grins as he
chuckles "The egg nog is ready!"
He looks all around and with
total regret, says, "What's taking
so long ... aren't you through
in here yet?"
As quick as a flash I reach for a
knife; He loses an earlobe; I
wanted his life! He flees from the
room in terror and pain and
screams, "MY GOD WOMAN,
YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what
is that smell? Oh darn it's the
pies! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a
mistake, but I put them on
BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there
still more ahead? If this is good
living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love
holidays; It just leaves me
exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I
live 'til next year, You won't
find me pulling my hair out in
here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and
a waiter; and if that doesn't
work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED

Nathan: (10:29 AM) Women's English:

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = {Too late, you're dead,}
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
others.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.

Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex?

A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women

Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?

A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered
wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea
Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
A: Drowns
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while.