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Copyright Ed Ballou, 2017

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OPERATION SEA DOG!

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by Ed Ballou
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A play in 8 scenes
TIME: The Present
PLACE: The West Coast of Florida
CHARACTERS: In order of appearance
DR. KRELLMAN - government scientist - wears a lab coat - he is also, in disguises, SID
KRELLMAN, government bus driver, and DOCTOR MOVER, government psychiatrist
MARTY - Franks wife, and the founder of CWAP, Copter Watchers And Plotters she is always looking at people and helicopters through her binoculars
FRANK - Martys husband, and the founder of POMP, Protect Our Many Porpoises he is almost always wearing a wet suit - peers at others through a face mask - he wants
to explore the idea of living as a porpoise
AGENT X - a secret government agent, who wants to be an artist - he is also, when in
disguise and undercover, HENRI TOUCHE, self-proclaimed famous French artiste
AGENT Y - a secret government agent, who is happy being a company man - he is
also, when in disguise and undercover, EARL, reporter for Saucer Weekly
MR. Z - head secret agent - concocted Operation Sea Dog to further his ego - he is
also, when in disguise, THE HAWK
F - the clone of Frank - an exact copy of him
CUSTODIAN - he is dressed as a custodian
SKIPPY - a porpoise who wants to explore the idea of living on land as a human - we
only hear his voice offstage, until the last scenes
GOVERNMENT ALARM CLOCK - off-stage voice only

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SCENE 1! !

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1-1

At Rise: The edge of a research pool - a large picture of a smiling porpoise dominates
the backdrop - beneath it are letters spelling out Skippy, and a large speaker with
wires leading into the pool - next to the picture stands Dr. Krellman, with Marty behind
him, scanning the sky through her binoculars.
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Skippy! - are you there?

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DR. KRELLMAN
(Calling into speaker)

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SKIPPY (OFFSTAGE)
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(Talking through speaker)
Im here on the bottom, Doc, reading a book..
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DR. KRELLMAN
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(Into speaker)
Good for your mind! - see that strange being floating above you? - thats Frank! - show
him that a porpoise can be friendly!
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SKIPPY (OFFSTAGE)
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(Talking through speaker)
Ill give him a flipper-shake, Doc..
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(Calls, off speaker)! !
Frank - bro! - down here - high five, dude!
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MARTY
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(Peering through her binoculars)
The skies are still empty.. Doctor Krellman, how can you talk to a porpoise you havent
seen since his capture?
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DR. KRELLMAN
Faith in science, Marty! - its all so logical - I know hes in the research pool - where else
could he go? - well find how things went when Frank surfaces - imagine, losing his toe!
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Oh, Frank has others - hell survive..

MARTY
(Scanning the skies)

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DR. KRELLMAN
Such an understanding wife, dear lady!
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(The SOUND of a helicopter in the distance)
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1-2
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MARTY
Whats that sound?! !
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(Peering through binoculars)
Is it a bird, is it a plane? - no, its a copter!
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(Takes out a notebook, marks in it)
And as head of Copter Watchers And Plotters - CWAP! - I must plot its course!
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(Peers through her binoculars)
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DR. KRELLMAN
I hope this dive helps Frank overcome his new fear of porpoises - this swim with Skippy
should convince him that porpoises are generally friendly and intelligent mammals - the
one that bit off his toe was just a freak of nature!
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.. flying from Point A..

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MARTY
(Peering through her binoculars,
plotting a graph in her notebook)

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How are things now, Skippy?
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Its a budding bromance, Doc..

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DR. KRELLMAN
(Into speaker)

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SKIPPY (OFFSTAGE)
(Through speaker)

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Good job..
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.. have a pickle!
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.. to point B..

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DR. KRELLMAN
(Into speaker)

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(Throws a pickle into the pool - the SOUND of

it splashing)

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MARTY
(Peering, plotting)

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Look at that - he threw it back!
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DR. KRELLMAN
(The pickle is thrown back up out of the pool he catches it)

(Starts eating the pickle)

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1-3
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MARTY
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(Peering, plotting)
.. to Point C..
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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This pool has become a second home to Frank..!
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MARTY !
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(Peering, plotting)
.. flying into Sector Q..
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(The SOUND of splashing in the pool - ENTER
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FRANK, climbing up the ladder from the pool !
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wearing a wetsuit, face mask, snorkel, and
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yellow flippers, a slight limp - takes out snorkel)
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DR. KRELLMAN
Well, Frank - did you make friends with Skippy?
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MARTY
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(Peering, plotting)
.. to Sector T..
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FRANK
Skippy and I have a lot in common, Doc - were both creatures of the sea..
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MARTY
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(Peering, plotting)
.. now its flying East..
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DR. KRELLMAN
Youre limping! - that toe bother you much?
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FRANK
The only thing that bothers me about my toe.. is it isnt there! - what a freaky thing - Im
snorkeling in the ocean - here comes a strange porpoise - and bam! - bites off my big
toe! - but Im all right - and that Skippy is a pretty friendly mammal..
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.. now flying West..

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MARTY
(Peering, plotting)

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DR. KRELLMAN
To overcome ones fears without fearing to overcome them!
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1-4
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FRANK
Easy on my head, Doc - Ive just been underwater..
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DR. KRELLMAN
Well, my friend, youve got nothing to fear but..
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MARTY !
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(Peering, plotting)
.. these copters - theyre everywhere!
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(Peering - SOUNDS of the copter circling)
.. this ones circling us..
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(Plotting)
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FRANK
Marty! - I think Im overcoming my fear of porpoises!
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MARTY
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(Peering at the helicopter through binoculars)
I see you!
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FRANK
Hey, remember me? - Im your husband!
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MARTY
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(Turning, training her binoculars up and down
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on Frank)
Oh, yeah - hi, guy..
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(Marty turns back, slowly spinning as she trains
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her binoculars on the helicopter, following it)
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FRANK
Its all right, Marty - Im getting used to it..
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(To Dr. Krellman)
.. its great youve been able to crack their porpoise language, Doc - as founder of my
own organization, POMP - Protect Our Many Porpoises - Ive been wanting to
communicate with them for years!
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MARTY
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(Suddenly starts spinning in a reverse
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direction, keeping her binoculars trained upon
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the copter)
..hes reversing direction!.. now, hes looking at me through his binoculars..
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1-5
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DR. KRELLMAN
And it took me years to develop this two-way language speaker - Im no electronic
wizard, but I kept plugging away, using my linguistic theories as a guide - the speaker
seemed complete and I tried communicating with Skippy through fall, winter, into spring
- but, I just couldnt get the damn thing to work - finally, a breakthrough - a quantum leap
for science! - I could finally communicate with Skippy!
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FRANK!
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What was wrong with it, Doc - something to do with the circuitry?
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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No - all that time Id forgotten to plug it in - made a hell of a difference! - now this
speaker unscrambles Skippys porpoise gibberish into English, and vice-versa - it
scrambles my voice into porpoise talk, and transmits it underwater to Skippy!
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MARTY
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(Training binoculars directly overhead)
.. hes hovering! - looking right down on us..
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(SOUNDS of a hovering helicopter)
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FRANK
A good topic for my next POMP meeting, Doc - Porpoises are our brothers! - were very
close to merging our species - a gap that could be leaped by someone - right, Doc?
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DR. KRELLMAN
Im hopeful, Frank - and Ive been thinking - I could use you in a new cloning experiment
with Skippy - be good if you could volunteer - Im all out of rats!
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.. hes dropping lower..

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MARTY
(Training binoculars overhead - the SOUND of
the helicopter grows louder)

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FRANK
Of course, Ill volunteer! - Doc, what was the first message you ever sent to Skippy?
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DR. KRELLMAN
Why, his name! - I kept transmitting, Skippy, Skippy, Skippy!, but got no response until finally one day he answered!
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With a message of brotherhood?
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1-6
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MARTY
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(Training binoculars overhead)
.. now, hes going higher..
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(Slowly starts spinning in the other direction)
.. and again, reverses direction!..
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DR. KRELLMAN
No, he said.. well, loosely translated, it came out as, What the hell do you want? I was in experimental ecstasy!
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MARTY !
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(Putting down binoculars, plotting)
.. hes producing a very strange graph..
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FRANK!
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At what level do you communicate with him now, Doc?
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DR. KRELLMAN
Skippy has astounding intelligence! - Ive been reading to him from Scientific American
about neutrons, metallurgy, the stars..!
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FRANK
What was his response? - any advances for science?
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DR. KRELLMAN
He said, he said.. Its all just a bunch of rot! - its shaken me to the core of my scientific
being - Ive been in a quandary ever since - boggles the mind! - do you think hes right?
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FRANK
Youre the scientist! - me, I never think on such things - and I never look at the stars I spend most of my time underwater - the world cant find me down there! - if only
I could head POMP from within a coral reef - thats what I really want to do, Doc - return
to our watery origins - become a finny beast, again!
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.. hes circling faster!..
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MARTY
(Training her binoculars, spinning round and
round at an ever faster pace)

(The SOUND of the copter rapidly circling)

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FRANK
Of course, this has contributed to a shaky marriage - but, Martys a good sport - she
takes over POMP while Im underwater - though as she always tells me, CWAP before
POMP! - a good mate, wouldnt you say, Doc?
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(The SOUND of the copter buzzing away)

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1-7
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MARTY
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(Spinning rapidly, peering, waving)
.. oh, dont go!!
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(The SOUND of the copter disappearing !
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Marty falls dizzily to the ground)
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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Careful there - youll damage your body-mind complex!
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(They help Marty to her feet - she shows them
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her graph)! !
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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Mostly a circular graph - so, its not a function..!
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MARTY
Then, what could it be?
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FRANK
Huh! - Ill tell you what it is, Marty - more crap for CWAP! - Im going back under..!
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(Turns and flops back to the ladder)
.. into the depths! - I must find out about Skippy - is he happy down there? - is he sad?
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(Flops down the ladder)
Is he sane?
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(FRANK EXITS - SOUND of him splashing
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into pool)
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MARTY
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(Training her binoculars down into the pool)
Whats the matter with him?!
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DR. KRELLMAN
Oh, I wouldnt take it too seriously..
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(Marty trains her binoculars on him)
.. youve got some relationship going! - Im envious, dear lady - its no fun being a
bachelor scientist - theres no one to compare data with!
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MARTY
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(Lowering her binoculars, staring into pool)
Yes, our marriages working out okay.. though when I first married Frank, I had no idea
how he was.. I waited an hour in bed on our wedding night for him to come out from the
bathroom - only to find him submerged in the bathtub, breathing heavily through his
snorkel and fluttering his flippers, as he peered at me through his face mask - I knew
then we were in for difficulty - but we worked it out - he agreed to spawn with me while
we leapt upstream into the cold, roaring shower - both of us in full snorkel gear needless to say, we are still childless - in return, I help him with his POMP, and he helps

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1-8
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MARTY (Cont.)
me with my CWAP - we each do our own thing - its almost satisfying - though I still find
my skin puckering each time we spawn..
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What a logical solution!
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Why all the hassle? - life is for living!!

DR. KRELLMAN
SKIPPY (OFFSTAGE)
(Through speaker)

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(Into speaker)
Skippy, you sound like a Buddhist! - yet, Im so excited - you porpoises could become
allies of man - our partners in science! - if Im still here - this is a federal pool, Im a
federal employee, and Congress has just cut our funding - Im being re-classified to a
lower pay level only four days a week- Ive had to get a job on Fridays as a government
psychiatrist!
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MARTY
But, youve got to continue your research!.. tell me, Doctor Krellman, do porpoises..
spawn?
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No, Marty - only fish spawn - porpoises breed in a curiously human fashion - you might
almost say - they make love!
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MARTY
Really, Doctor?
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SKIPPY (OFFSTAGE)
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(Through speaker)
Lets get it on!
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DR. KRELLMAN
Cryptic creature! - get it on what? - this could be another breakthrough for man and
mammal! - Ill Google it, now! - what does he mean? - get it on, get it on.. yourself?
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(DR. KRELLMAN EXITS - Marty goes over to
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Get it on.. with a porpoise?
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MARTY

(LIGHTS DIM on Marty)

SCENE END

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SCENE 2!

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2-1

At Rise: A dark office - a desk, some chairs, blinds drawn over a window, a closet door Agent X is staring blankly at the blinds - the SOUND of a knock on the door.
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AGENT X

AGENT Y (OFFSTAGE)

Ita a dull existence!

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A bland life!

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Enter!
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Ive got him! - the courier, McChesney..

AGENT X
(ENTER AGENT Y, and McCHESNEY with a
red pouch on his belt)
AGENT Y

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McCHESNEY
I assume you are both part of Operation Sea Dog..
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Yes, we are..

AGENT X

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AGENT Y
Quiet, Agent X! - no comment, courier..
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McCHESNEY
I can hardly see - why are the blinds drawn? - its a sunny day!
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AGENT Y
This is a classified office, courier - classified S, for Secret - all S offices are ordered to
have their blinds drawn at all times - but Im going to let you in on a little secret - we can
do that in an S office..
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(Goes over to the window)
.. there isnt a window here at all - this office has no windows..
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(Raises blind)
.. its only a picture of a window, painted on the wall by Agent X - against strict orders
forbidding individual expression - he could have been de-classified! - fortunately, we
decided to treat it as an official S window, and finally someone ordered an official S
blind hung over it - we barely kept our clearances!
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2-2
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AGENT X
I dont care, Agent Y - Im frustrated!
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(Goes to closet, opens it)
..someday I may jump out that window - because Im not just a government agent..
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(Pulls out a palette and artists paint brush)
Im an artiste! - this job is just for the money - but it stifles me!
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(Goes to blind with palette, draws blind,
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exposing the picture of the window, holds paint
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brush up before his eye)
See that tree limb stretching out, the pine needles, blue sky? - I painted that! - were in a
birds nest, eighty feet in the air - how do you like being a bird?
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McCHESNEY
I feel like an owl - why have blinds drawn over a painting?
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AGENT Y
Orders! - because this is not a birds nest - its an S classified office!
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McCHESNEY
Then, why dont you turn on the lights?
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AGENT Y
Orders! - we cant show a light through the window - silhouettes can be seen only by
people with clearances!
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AGENT X
The same orders that tell us to wear these bland suits - gray on gray..
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Mr. Z picks them out for us..

AGENT Y

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Whos Mr. Z?

McCHESNEY

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AGENT X
Mr. Z is Mister Big in this secret operation - BIG! - thats how he spells it! - Mr. Z is head
agent in charge of Operation Sea Dog!
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AGENT Y
Enough, X! - weve got to be careful..
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(To McChesney)
Why dont you take a seat? - whatever your name is..
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AGENT X! !
See! - weve forgotten already - its best for all of us..

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McCHESNEY!
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(Sitting down)
Where is this.. Mr. Z?
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AGENT Y
We dont know - sometimes, even he doesnt know - its classified..

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.. just relax, like wed like to do..

AGENT X

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.. and well all wait for Mr. Z..
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AGENT Y

(A pause - they all look at each other)

2-3

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McCHESNEY
Why the letters?
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AGENT Y
So none of us know who the others are - it could get dangerous!
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AGENT X
You should hear my real name - its Russian!
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AGENT Y
Ill tell you another little secret - weve been given new identities with new pasts..
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AGENT X
And Ill tell you another little secret - according to our classified pasts, we came into
existence only a month ago - I sneaked a secret look at our secret files..
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AGENT Y
Thats a big secret, X - I may have to report that!
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.. the files said we never had friends..

AGENT X

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Im glad I never got close to you, X!

AGENT Y

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AGENT X
.. never had families..
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AGENT Y
Watch it, X - you may find me watching you!

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AGENT X!
.. the government has made us what we are..

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Dont you guys ever get lonely?

McCHESNEY

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Thats against orders!

AGENT Y

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2-4

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AGENT X
Though Ill tell you another secret - sometimes I feel melancholic - but they havent
found out about that, yet..
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I hope Mr. Z gets here soon..
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I want to give the old dog his bone..

McCHESNEY

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Mr. Z doesnt like bones..
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He doesnt even like dogs..

AGENT Y

AGENT X

(Tapping the pouch on his belt)

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McCHESNEY
Let me explain - but first, can I can trust you?
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Were your government!

AGENT Y

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McCHESNEY
What could be more deserving of trust? - listen, my orders are to give a certain item something very important! - to a secret contact in this office - that contact may be Mr. Z,
but I cant be sure until he answers my secret code phrase with his secret code phrase!
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AGENT X
Oh, we just love secrets!
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AGENT Y!
Of course, youll have to tell us the code phrases!
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My secret code phrase is.. sea dog!
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McCHESNEY
(Pauses)

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AGENT Y! !
Sea dog? - thats a good one!
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AGENT X
And the reply? - youve got to tell us the secret reply!
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The reply is.. give a dog a bone!

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2-5

McCHESNEY
(Pauses)

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AGENT X
Oh, what splendid secrets! - but, what if Mr. Z doesnt know the reply?
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McCHESNEY
My orders are if the contact cant come up with the matching code phrase..
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(Touching the pouch)
.. Im not to give him the bone!
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AGENT Y
Shhh! - dont say that - you must always give Mr. Z what he wants!
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AGENT X
Or, he could take away your identity - and then, youd become like us!
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Those are my orders!
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Its a dull existence!

McCHESNEY

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(The SOUND of a knock on the door)

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Open the door, stupid!

MR. Z (OFFSTAGE)

AGENT X
(Calling out)

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AGENT Y
Its Mr. Z!
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AGENT X
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(Opening the door)
Good morning, boss!!
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MR. Z
Always a good morning when you work in a birds nest, Agent X - or are you Agent Y?

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Im..
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Im Agent Y!
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Then, I must be Agent X!

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AGENT X!

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(Pauses)!

AGENT Y!

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2-6

AGENT X

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MR. Z
Im glad we established that early - and you must be our long-awaited courier!
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I am McChesney!

McCHESNEY

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MR. Z
Shhh! - well just call you M from now on - X, Y, thats good boys - wait outside the door
for further orders..
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AGENT Y
I like waiting for orders - it gives me a purpose!
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(AGENT Y EXITS)
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Can I bring my palette and easel?

AGENT X

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MR. Z
No!
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AGENT X!
But Im an artiste! - a happy agent is a good agent..
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Take them!

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Art will forever be indebted, Mr. Z!
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MR. Z
AGENT X
(AGENT X EXITS with his brush and easel)

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MR. Z
He could lose his letter for that.. now M, I assume you have what I want!
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McCHESNEY
I may have, Mr. Z - you old sea dog, you!

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MR. Z!!
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(Pauses)
Ive.. never been to sea, M - cant even swim - give me the sample..
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McCHESNEY!
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Well, just like a dog? - to bark for his .. you know!

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2-7

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MR. Z
No dogs allowed in an S office - thats orders! - I dont even like dogs - too much variety!
- and our experts are still trying to crack the bark - until we do, we dont know whos side
theyre on - all our watchdogs are being watched - now give me the sample!
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What do dogs want?

McCHESNEY

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MR. Z
I dont know, but I want the sample - remember your orders, M!
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McCHESNEY
I know my orders! - why dont you follow your orders?
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MR .Z
My orders are not answer any questions about my orders!
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McCHESNEY
My orders are to follow my orders, if youre not following your orders!
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MR. Z!!
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Well, dammit, man - follow your orders, so I can follow my orders!
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McCHESNEY
I am following my orders!
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I dont see it!
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MR. Z

(A pause)

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McCHESNEY
I have a dog at home..
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MR. Z
I hope he follows his orders!
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McCHESNEY
He does follow his orders - and know what I give him? - I give my dog a..

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A what?

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(A pause, they stare at each other)
MR. Z!!
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Thats what I want to know!

McCHESNEY!

2-8

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MR. Z
But hes your dog!
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McCHESNEY
And after I give it to him - he chews it right up!
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Chews what right up?

MR. Z

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Thats what I what to know!

McCHESNEY

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But you gave it to him, didnt you?

MR. Z

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Gave him what?

McCHESNEY

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MR. Z
I dont know!
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McCHESNEY!
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Sometimes he doesnt chew it all up, and I wrap it in a newspaper..
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MR. Z
Wrap what? - Ill tell you one thing, M - if you want to be sure your dog chews it up I wouldnt give it to your dog, anymore - Id give a dog a bone - that he would chew!
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(McChesney unsnaps the pouch from his belt !
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gives it to Mr. Z - Mr. Z looks at him)
Thats why I dont like dogs.. so, this must be the secret pouch!
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(He unzips the pouch)
Confound it! - who ordered this thing to stink?
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McCHESNEY
The sample was removed from the target three days ago..
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2-9
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MR. Z
I know that - and It should have been frozen! - and this pouch - who ordered red? - too
obvious! - from now on, all secret pouches will be brown!
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(Mr. Z opens the pouch, reaches into it,
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and pulls out a small shapeless mass - they
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look at it with disgust)
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McCHESNEY!
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I cant make it out - cant verify it! - looks terrible!
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MR. Z
The sample traveled ten miles inside the mouth of a porpoise - amazing beasts! - weve
trained one to remove samples from military targets - its an invaluable ally - with the
greatest cover in the world - a harmless creature of the sea - with no fear of
interrogation by the other side!
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McCHESNEY
But, which part of the target is it?
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MR. Z
Its.. a toe - the targets big toe! - dont worry, its there - your bone is all there - a big toe
is the official sample!
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(Stares at toe)
But its not a big toe - its BT! - and BT is spoiling! - thats against orders! - Ive got to get
this to Doctor K immediately - at last I can follow my orders!
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McCHESNEY
Doctor K! - whos Doctor K?
!
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MR. Z
Doctor K is very high up in the alphabet! - hes a government scientist, operating under
cover - Doctor K is going to take BT back to his mobile lab for a top-secret experiment Doctor K is going to use BT to clone a new being - F!
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McCHESNEY
F? - whos F going to be?
!
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MR. Z!!
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F will be an exact double of Frank, the leader of POMP - Protect Our Many Porpoises the government has learned Franks going to give a big speech urging porpoises to
protect their own species, thus denying us their use as a military asset - so, were going
to replace Frank with F, a government clone - Fs going to make that speech - quite a
different speech! - thats what Operation Sea Dog is all about!
!
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!
(Calls offstage, through door)
X! Y! - come in here!

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2-10
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(ENTER AGENT Y and AGENT X, carrying his
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palette and easel)
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AGENT Y! !
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Sir! - weve been awaiting our orders!
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AGENT X
Not me - I painted a window on the door - Ive been watching you!
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AGENT Y! !
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I refused to look through it!
!
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MR. Z
Quiet! - Agents X and Y - I order you to take this secret pouch - which from now on will
be called P - take P to Doctor K! - Agent Y, keep P snapped to your belt at all times!
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(He gives the pouch to Agent Y)
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Right, Mr. Z!
!
!
!

AGENT Y

(He snaps pouch to belt)

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AGENT X
Sir! - its a secret pouch, and you know we just love secrets.. could you tell us the
contents of P?
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MR. Z!
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(Pauses)!
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P contains BT - Doctor K knows what to do with P - he has his orders! - now go - dont
forget to switch the clocks, when you make the big switch - and just before the speech,
youre both to go deep undercover! - got it? - now, move out!
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(Agents X and Y EXIT - MR. Z rises)
M - what you are about to see, about to hear - must not be repeated to anyone..
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(Goes to the closet)
.. not a word - or no social security for you!
!
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(Opens closet door)
M, you may see me as old Mr. Z..
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(He rummages in the closet)
.. big head of a secret government agency..
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(He puts on a false beak and mustache,
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!
attached to a pair of sunglasses)
..but in my youth..
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(Swings a long, dark, cape over his shoulders)
.. I was also known as..
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(Puts on a dark hat with long feathers)
.. The Hawk - the infamous Hawk! - skreee-ahh!

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2-11
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MR.Z (Cont.)
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(Starts gliding around the room)
.. wherever The Hawk flew, evil cowered in its burrow!
!
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(Swirls around in his cape)
Skreee-ahh! - up in the sky! - that shadow! - could it be? - no, no! - but, yes, yes - were
doomed! - its, its.. The Hawk! - skreee-ahh!
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McCHESNEY
The Hawk! - Ive heard of your daring exploits in the past!! !
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MR. Z!!
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(Circling)
You have?
!
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McCHESNEY
The infamous Bangkok Connection! - the year 1976 - an Eastern cult is smuggling
jewels and drugs out of Bangkok and into our country! - our best agents are assigned to
stop them - but all die bizarre deaths! - no can can crack the evil ring - the government
is in despair - our intelligence is baffled - until, until..!
!
!
!
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!
!
Yes, yes - go on!

!
!

!
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!

MR. Z
(Circling)

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McCHESNEY
.. they found an agent who saves all thats decent and pure, in a world full of filth!
!
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MR. Z
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!
(Circling)
Yes, yes - and who was that man?
!
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McCHESNEY
A secret agent who always stands up for mankind, and fights the good fight!
!
!
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!
Skreee-ahh! - who was it?

!
!

MR. Z
(Circling)

!
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McCHESNEY
A one-man beacon of goodness, hope and light!
!
!
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!
!
Was it, was it..?

!
!

!
!

!
!

MR. Z!!
(Circling)

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McCHESNEY
Yes! - Steve Stallion! - the greatest agent who ever lived!

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MR. Z!!
!
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!
(Stops circling, droops his wings)
Steve, Steve.. not Steve!
!
!
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!
McCHESNEY
But Steve Stallion wasnt available.. so they had to call in a relative unknown..
!
!
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MR. Z!!
!
!
!
!
.. but an agent with great potential! !
!
!
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!
McCHESNEY
.. an agent no one knew anything about..
!
!
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MR. Z!!
!
!
!
!
.. he wanted it that way!
!
!
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!
.. an agent dressed in feathers..

McCHESNEY

!
!
.. his style!

MR. Z

!
!
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McCHESNEY
.. known only by his blood-curdling cry!
!
!
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Skreee-ahh!

!
!

!
!

!
!

MR. Z
(Interrupting, swooping)

!
!
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!
His cry of Awwkk! Awwkk!
!
!
!
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Well, I was quite young in those days..

McCHESNEY

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.. a shadowy form known as..!

McCHESNEY

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Skreee-awwkkk!

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MR. Z
(Circling again)

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MR. Z
(Stopping, wings drooping)

2-12

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.. The Great Auk!

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McCHESNEY

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MR. Z!!
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(Stopping, drooping his wings)
The Hawk, dammit! - I later changed it to The Hawk!

2-13

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McCHESNEY
Late one hot night, a mysterious aerial being flew in low over the waterfront..
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MR. Z!!
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(Twisting and turning)
.. twisting and turning in the dark!
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McCHESNEY!
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.. when suddenly he swooped down on the cultists..
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.. they had no chance!

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MR. Z
(Swooping)

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McCHESNEY
.. and by dawn, the Bangkok connection was severed!
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MR. Z
.. all in a nights work!
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McCHESNEY
.. next morning, seven cultists were found stuffed in a makeshift nest on the wharf..
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.. my trademark!

MR. Z

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McCHESNEY
.. diamonds and drugs scattered over their poor, pecked bodies..
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MR. Z
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(Circling)
Skreee-ahh! - ah, the old days! - so good to be young - dropping like a thunderbolt from
the sky - then rising, again - evil seized in my talons!
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(His wings droop)
But lately, things have begun to go south - last year dropped like a thunderbolt onto a
mannequin in a Macys window - Skreee-awwwk! - crash! - took six stitches and a
months wages to put me back together... maybe Im getting old, M.. but, I just cant stop
flying against crime - for I am still The Hawk!

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2-14
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MR. Z (Cont.)
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(Launches from his chair)
And Operation Sea Dog will keep me flapping! - Skreee-ahh! - a secret operation to
replace Frank, the leader of POMP - the only person who can compromise our military
use of the porpoise - Operation Sea Dog will be my most celebrated case!
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(Mr. Z runs to the door, his cape streaming
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behind him - flings open door, launches)
Skreee-ahh! - Frank beware - evil beware! - The Hawk.. soars again!
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(MR. Z EXITS, flapping out the door - LIGHTS
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DIM on McChesney)
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SCENE END
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3-1
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SCENE 3! !
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At Rise: A bathroom - a goldfish bowl on the back of the toilet - a snorkel moves through
a clawfoot tub full of water, flippers kicking the air - Frank suddenly raises his head - he
has on his wet suit, face mask and snorkel.
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FRANK
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(Takes snorkel from mouth)
Seven hours - the longest Ive been underwater! - wasnt much to see, though..
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(Puts snorkel on edge of tub - ENTER MARTY)
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MARTY
Frank, get out of the tub and come down to the tank, now! - Doctor Krellman says its
time to use you in that new experiment with Skippy - he must be out of fruit flies..
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FRANK
Finally, the cloning experiment! - just give me a minute, Marty..
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(Floats on his back)
.. ah, how good it feels to float again in our ancient habitat - the sea!
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Thats just a bathtub, Frank..

MARTY

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FRANK
A man can dream, cant he?
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(Floats)
Ive just surfaced, after darting around with my porpoise buddies - the moonlit sea is
rippled by a tropical breeze, as I breath in lungfuls of salty air..
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(Takes in gulps of air)
.. so glad to be a sleek young porpoise - what a swim! - I happily chirped to my pod
brothers, Kamma and Dooley, as we chanced to encounter the lovely young Fritta - she
chirped low whistles as I looked into her viscera - gad, I didnt know she felt that way! she seems so innocent, with her budding flippers and baby-faced beak of a face - she
wants to meet me tonight off Chikamura Reef, at the turn of the tide - together we will
leap and frolic, chasing through sea ferns, dodging moonbeams, and dipping beneath
the silver sea - and then who knows? - tonight could be the night!
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MARTY
Frank, youre hurting my feelings - who is this Fritta?
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FRANK
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(Floating)
Oh, just someone wonderful from my dreams..
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3-2
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MARTY !
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Get out of that tub now! - Ive had enough of your watery romances - last week it was
Porpoosa, queen of all the dolphins east of the sun - how does one get east of the sun?
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FRANK !
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One swims.. like this!
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(Puts snorkel in mouth, flips over and starts
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thrashing around, splashing water on Marty)
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Frank, stop it - Frank!

MARTY

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FRANK
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(Splashing and thrashing)
Gotta catch up with my pod - getting dark - I see sharks - gotta catch up!
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(Splashes and thrashes)
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MARTY
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(Grabbing hold of his snorkel, shouting into it)
Frank - danger! - a tuna boat is circling the pod with its nets, trying to catch the tuna
below you - many porpoise will die!
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What? Nets?

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FRANK
(Frantically splashing)

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MARTY
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(Shouting into snorkel)
Youll drown - its every mammal for himself!
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FRANK
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(Splashing in a panic)
Im trapped!
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MARTY
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(Shouting into snorkel)
The nets are closing! - leap out now! - escape, Frank!
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(Frank makes a desperate leap out of the bath
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tub, and lies gasping on the floor)
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FRANK
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(Still flopping)
Got to.. get away!
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3-3
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MARTY
Youre safe now with your mate, Marto - together we will leap and frolic..!
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FRANK!
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(Flopping around on the floor)
Marto? - that old octopus! - got to get away - Fritta!
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MARTY !
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Fritta cant hear you, Frank - shes gone east of the sun - swam off with another
porpoise - younger and sleeker than you!
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FRANK!
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(Stopping his flopping)
Who was it? - Kamma? - or Dooley? - I didnt like the way he looked into her heart!
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MARTY
Its okay, Frank - another pretty young air-breather will soon swim by..
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You feel like.. spawning?

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FRANK
(Pauses, looking up at her)

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MARTY
Too tired, Frank - just got back from a swim in the research tank - quite a charmer, that
Skippy - he intrigues me..
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FRANK
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(Gets up, puts snorkel on edge of tub)
Skippy? - that finny fop? - no mate of mine is going for swims with some aqua-clown!
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MARTY
Ill do as I please! - if you insist on staying submerged for most of our marriage, Ill be
forced to find other company - now, go down and talk with Skippy yourself - he has
great ideas on the protection of porpoises - hes very ecologically aware!
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FRANK
Maybe he should be the leader of POMP, instead of me! - no, I wont talk to him imagine, Skippy the porpoise telling a human how to think about porpoises!
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MARTY
A human - Im glad you remembered, Frank - youre not a porpoise - youre a human!
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FRANK
Not for long, sister - after the cloning, I may rejoin my finny family!

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3-4
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MARTY
Frank, stop being difficult!
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FRANK!
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Difficult? - Im in the wrong skin! - cant you see that? - were man and wife!
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MARTY !
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No, were mammal and wife - and I dont like it! - Im going back down to talk to Skippy at least he listens!
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FRANK
When dont I listen?
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MARTY
Then, listen to me, now - Skippy proposed a vigil, Frank!
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A what?

FRANK

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MARTY
A vigil! - Skippy said POMP should hold a twenty-four hour vigil on the tuna dock, with
your members holding candles, singing songs, and protesting the military use of
porpoises - as leader of POMP, you could make a major speech: Stop forcing
porpoises to help our military! - free publicity for POMP - it could go national! - millions
will hear the plight of the porpoise and write letters to Congress - the government will be
forced to pass laws protecting porpoises! - Skippy offered to say a few words from the
viewpoint of the victim - itll be an animal conversation first - I think Skippy has come up
with a brilliant idea!
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FRANK
Itll never work - too risky! - and who wants to listen to a few squeaky words from a
porpoise after I give my speech? - a vigil? - a bad idea, unsound - just plain dumb!
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MARTY
You are so stubborn - we should do anything to help these porpoises - theyre almost
human! - we should be willing to put our lives on the line! - wheres your commitment?
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FRANK
Dont start, Marty - you know Im committed! - only I have an idea way better than
Skippy - that clam with flippers! - this is my plan - we get POMP together and notify the
media - I prepare a few remarks, and we go down to the tuna dock - hold a peaceful
rally with candles, peace and love - protest the military use of porpoises - might even
sing! - and well stay on the dock.. say overnight! - well get plenty of news coverage millions will be moved into pressuring the government to enact strict regulations saving

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3-5
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FRANK (Cont.)
porpoises - POMPS power will grow and Ill be recognized as the most important leader
in animal conservation!
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(Pauses)
Surprised at your husband?
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MARTY !
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Frank, you are such a master-mind - thats the same idea Skippy came up with!
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FRANK!
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No, it isnt! - Skippy isnt even in my plan - that pathetic porpoise wont get to say
anything - Ill do all the talking - thats quite a difference!
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MARTY
How human!
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FRANK
Now, Ive got to write my big speech - dynamite stuff! - and Ill call the speech.. Ill call it,
call it.. The Vigil - yes! - Only eternal vigilance will ensure the protection of our finny
friends, the porpoise people! - what a speech it will be - a masterpiece of a speech! The Vigil! - theyll be calling it a Mammalian Manifesto - Fin Power! - I must write my
speech, now! - where are my special underwater pen and paper?
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MARTY
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(Going to the goldfish bowl)
They were drying out - I put them in the goldfish bowl..
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(Pulls out pen and paper, gives them to Frank)
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FRANK
Ive got to get started, now!
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MARTY
So, youre going back under, again?
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FRANK
Down there, no one can bother me! - Marty, have you seen my snork?
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Your.. snork?

MARTY

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FRANK
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(Peering into the tub)
Help me find my snork.. I think it fell in the deep!
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3-6
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MARTY !
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You find your snork - Im going to the tank to tell Skippy how wise you are!
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(MARTY EXITS)
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FRANK
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(Peering into water through his face mask)
Here, snorkie snork.. oh, there you are!! !
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(Pulls snorkel out of tub, adjusts it on his head)
Of course Im wise.. but if I had sonar, I would be even wiser - then I could see inside
Marty, maybe figure her out!
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(Getting into bathtub)
Perhaps Doctor Krellmans experiment really can make me a porpoise - I could become
their leader! - and first thing Ill do.. is exile Skippy east of the sun..
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(Puts snorkel in mouth, dives underwater)
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SCENE END

SCENE 4!

4-1

At Rise: A street corner after midnight - the streets are deserted - a cartoon cardboard
cutout of an old grey bus sits at a bus stop - the SOUND of an idling bus engine ENTER AGENTS X and Y - Agent X carries his palette and easel - the pouch is
snapped to Agent Ys belt - they stop and look around.
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AGENT Y
Were late! - its all your fault! - you just stood in that elevator, punching those buttons
and painting! - we must have gone up and down twenty times - why didnt you let me
open the doors?
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AGENT X
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(Setting up his easel, starting to paint the bus)
I was experimenting! - got a nice effect - Elevator Art - the new wave of the future!
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AGENT Y
Elevator insanity - the new psychosis - and its here now! - where is Doctor K?
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(Gives a secret glance at his watch)
He was to meet us twenty minutes ago - I hope the enemy hasnt gotten to him!
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AGENT X
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(Painting)
I wish the enemy would get to me - maybe theyd appreciate my art! - so what if hes
late? - Im always late, too - maybe hes an artiste - we artistes dont recognize time - its
so meaningless..
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AGENT Y
Where is that Doctor K? - X, pay attention - keep your eye out for him!
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(Looks at his canvas)
What are you painting? - looks like a dinosaur..
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AGENT X
Im painting that bus - its a study in realism..
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AGENT Y!
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(Looking over at the bus)
Wait a minute, thats a government bus - maybe hes on it - a government scientist on a
government bus - hmmm.. that makes sense! - come on!
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AGENT X
In this job it makes sense - but that is one ugly bus - aesthetically, a bag of potatoes..
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(Packs up easel and palette, they go to
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the bus)
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4-2
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AGENT Y! !
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Now, for once, you take the lead - follow your training and gain us entry to the bus..
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AGENT X
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(Puts down easel and palette, taps on the
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doors with his badge)
Secret agents - yo!
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You dufus! - dont give us up!
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Here, Ive got this..

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AGENT Y
(Pulling him aside)

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!

(The doors are snapped open by Dr. Krellman,

wearing fake eyeglasses with a fake nose and
mustache, and wearing a bus drivers cap)

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DR. KRELLMAN
My first passengers! - hope I didnt miss anybody - Im behind schedule - I stopped at a
drive-in - how I hate eating alone! - put in your fare and take a seat - hurry up, Im late!
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AGENT Y
Were not who you think we are, driver !
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(Flashes his badge)
.. heres my badge..
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(Gives badge to Dr. Krellman)
.. no, dont flash it in front of the window! - its a secret badge..
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DR. KRELLMAN
I just love these midnight runs..
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(Looks at badge)
.. very nice, bold design..
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(Polishes badge)
.. polishes up well..
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(Gives badge back to Agent Y)
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AGENT Y
.. and its real! - this is my partner - were here to ask you a few questions..
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DR. KRELLMAN
Sure! - but first, wanna see my badge?
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(Shows them the badge on his uniform)
Its real, too - and as your bus driver, Id like to ask you a few questions!
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AGENT Y
We dont have to answer your questions - you have to answer our questions!

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4-3
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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Youre on my bus! - I have a right to know who Im driving - who are you?
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AGENT Y
Were secret government agents with names you can never know!
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DR. KRELLMAN
Government! - this is a government bus - take a seat - but you still gotta pay your fare!
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AGENT Y
Didnt I just show you my secret government badge?
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DR. KRELLMAN
I thought you found that in a cracker jack box!
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Can I say something?

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Ill handle this - you back me!

AGENT X
AGENT Y

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AGENT X
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(Setting up his easel)
Okay - Ill paint your back - At his moment of glory! - in the style of Degas!
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AGENT Y
Listen, driver - were secret agents and were on a secret mission and were looking for
somebody undercover - is he on this bus?
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DR. KRELLMAN
As you can plainly see, Im the only one - theres nobody on this bus - expect for you
two - and thats still nobody..
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Are you sure?

AGENT Y

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DR. KRELLMAN
See for yourself!
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AGENT Y
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(Looking down the empty bus)
Hmmm, hmmm..
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(To Agent X)
.. hes right, theres no one on this bus but him - and us..
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AGENT X! !
Youre handling it, Agent Y - please turn around..
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DR. KRELLMAN
Wanna go somewhere? - Im late!
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AGENT Y
Whats your name, bus driver?

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4-4

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DR. KRELLMAN
Oh, you gonna report me? - Badge 73 - thats all you need know!
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AGENT Y
I want your name, driver - you government bus driver! - or Ill have your badge!
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DR. KRELLMAN
Hold on - no need for that! - Sid, Sid Krellmans my name - is that what you want? now, on or off my bus - I gotta get goin! - you gettin on? - your trip will be a quick one I always drive with my foot to the floor! - it uses too much gas and passengers get mad but it puts an edge on my day! - I feel the wind in my hair, the salt stinging my eyes see, Im not just a crummy old bus driver - Im the captain of a pirate corsair! - Captain
Sid Krellman! - Im English, yeah! - and I sail around the Caribbean, attacking ships of
all kinds! - and its not for the booty, not for the glory - its for the bloody dash of the
whole thing! - today I went into port at Eighth and Broadway, where a gang of foreigners
boarded ship! - I got them in line and they put their money in my strongbox..
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(Taps fare box)
.. then they sat down meekly enough - I told them, No smoking - not a man jack of
you! - and I took them to the next port of call - where they were mighty glad to get off! guess they didnt like my sailing - I can cut a jib or two! - then away I sailed, into the
green seas! - but, crikey, sometimes it can be gruesome, mateys - ay, blood and
cannons! - yes, Ive seen it all, me lads - the wind, the waves, the women - yes, the
women - Im quite a bit of a sea dog, I am - yo ho!
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Wait! - did you say, sea dog?

AGENT Y

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DR. KRELLMAN
Ay, me hearty - the bones of many a vile enemy rest in the briny deep, thanks to the
cutlass of Captain Krellman - the doggiest sea dog there ever were!
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AGENT Y
Did you hear, Agent X - he said, sea dog!
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4-5
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AGENT X! !
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(Painting)
I knew a Krellman, once - Irving Krellman - he used to say, Give a dog a bone! - even
when there werent dogs around - poor fellow - no one understood him - never had
friends - but packs of dogs began to follow him - he had finally found a peer group Give a dog a bone!, he would say - and all the dogs would bark - but he never had any
bones - and one by one, the dogs left him - hes alone now, poor old Irving Krellman - all
alone in this cold world..
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DR.KRELLMAN
Irving Krellman? - never heard of him - Bloody Sidney, they call me on the Spanish
Main! - but, wait a minute! - Give a dog a bone? - I think Ive been waiting for you dont you have something for me? - Im so excited! - I believe weve matched code
phrases! - its my first match! - give this old sea dog his bone!
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AGENT Y
You must be Doctor K - that makes sense - youre Doctor Krellman!
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(Unsnapping the secret pouch from his belt,
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handing it to Doctor K)
But why are driving this bus? - arent you a famous cloning scientist, Doctor K?
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DR. KRELLMAN
Call me Sidney! - yes, Im a scientist employed by the government - but in a new
classification - I was surplussed - no funds! - but the government wanted to keep me, so
they found a new classification - this job is classified B for bus driver! - they pulled me
from my lab and put me on the midnight run - nobody takes it, so I work on projects
while idling at bus stops - I get funded from the fares I collect, along with my bus driver
salary - oh, and I sold the spare tire for twenty bucks! - I even got a moonlight job! now, I had my funding - I just needed an assistant! - but they wouldnt hire one - Youre
driving a bus, they said, bus drivers dont need assistants! But the cloning project
cant go on!, I said - so we compromised - theyve let one of the bus mechanics help
me when his work is slow - a knowledgeable fellow when it comes to engines - but all
he talks about is roller derby - Ive learned all the players, the teams, the standings - ask
me anything!
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Where does this cloning take place?

AGENT Y

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DR. KRELLMAN
Why, in the engine of this bus, which the mechanic and I modified - the result is it now
misses, gets even lousier gas mileage - but it can clone up a frog in fifteen seconds! plus it emits no smog - all the exhaust fumes are pumped directly into the Number
Three Cylinder - which I have de-activated and turned into the cloning chamber - that
cylinder is huge - I eat my lunch in there! - I pretend its a dimly lit, secret laboratory
carved from the heart of a mountain! - but now, my boss wants results..

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4-6
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DR. KRELLMAN (Cont.)
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(Holds up secret pouch)
Ill show him results - my big discovery! - bus fumes can mutate human cells - it could
be the Nobel for this!
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(Unzips the secret pouch)
Soon the big event!! !
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(Reaches into pouch)
The cloning of a new being from this, this..
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(Pulls out sample, looks at it)
.. toe?
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AGENT X
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(Painting)
Its a big toe!
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BT!

AGENT Y

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DR. KRELLMAN
No matter - its the cells that are important - human cells! - and theyre decaying! - Ill
have to run my experiment now! - you agents are lucky to be present - ah, the
excitement - and later the glory! - from this big toe, the worlds greatest bus driver
scientist is going to create history - the worlds first human clone!
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AGENT X
While youre at it, can you clone me a reason for living?
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AGENT Y
What else have you cloned - besides the frog?
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DR. KRELLMAN
Why many things - quite a multitude! - the first thing I cloned was late at night - this bus
was insufferable! - I have to keep it idling, in case passengers need a ride - heavy
exhaust fumes from the engine were leaking into the bus - and without my knowing it, all
my bodys cells were mutating terribly - I nearly grew a foot from my forehead! fortunately, it stayed as a strange lump for an hour, then receded - but it had aroused
my scientific curiosity - what could have caused the bump? - I decided to use the
scientific method: E equals MC squared and divide by two - I became obsessed with my
new project - kept the bus idling for hours! - and finally I found the bus fumes were
causing the mutations in my cells - I was ecstatic! - though I repaired all the exhaust
leaks - its hard enough to ask for funding without a heel sticking out your forehead!
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AGENT X
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(Painting)
I like that image, Doc - ever see a back with an elbow?

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4-7
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AGENT Y
But, Doctor K - exactly what have you cloned so far?
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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Let me see.. twenty-seven earthworms, five frogs, two dogs - and a snake with eight
pairs of chicken legs and fur like a cat! - something crossed up there - but this time Ill
do better - so, on with the cloning! - first, Im going to drop the sample into this..
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(Taps fare box)
.. specially designed bath containing a soup of chemicals - the sample will be pumped
directly back to the bus engine - and into the cloning chamber in Number Three
Cylinder! - Ill run the engine at maximum speed to produce the prodigious amount of
smog necessary for the process - the experiment will take only a few minutes, and well
be automatically signaled when the organism is cloned - the chamber is self-cleaning I got that idea from the oven boys - they are constantly making breakthroughs! - the
clone will be expelled from the chamber in a cloud of smog and be stuck in the engine
compartment, where it will perish unless it has the necessary intelligence to get out survival of the fittest! - only if it has that intelligence, will it climb out, walk around the
bus, and in through these doors - home to daddy! - if that happens, just act natural, like
nothing has happened - as if it were just another passenger - we dont want to warp its
id by telling it the truth - that its not a human - its just a clone of a human - well, its
cloning time! - I can hardly wait to see it - my son - little Larry!
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AGENT Y
Little Larry? - you mean F! - and F is a government project - our orders are to take the
clone to a government psychiatrist who will program the clones personality..
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Political and moral indoctrination..

AGENT X
(Painting)

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DR. KRELLMAN
I wont get to spend any time with my son? - but I had it all planned! - we were to go
fishing - after which it was to follow in my footsteps - youve ruined my dreams!
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AGENT Y
Read your contract, Doctor K - the government owns anything your research develops that includes the clone!
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Our contracts included our minds..

AGENT X
(Painting)

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DR. KRELLMAN
Are you heartless? - do you know what its like to be alone in this world - all alone?

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4-8
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AGENT Y
Yes, we do - now, Doctor, please commence the cloning process - we have a mission to
accomplish! - are you ready, Agent X?! !
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AGENT X! !
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(Painting)
Ready, Agent Y! - that heel from the forehead - very symbolic, Doctor - Im going to try
and capture it on canvas in neutral, nondescript tones - my Bland Period, theyll call it!
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AGENT Y
Begin the experiment, Doctor!
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DR. KRELLMAN
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(Picking up the secret pouch)
All right - but let me put my son up for adoption - dont let the government take him!
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AGENT Y
The government will own the clone, Doctor! - get on with the cloning - thats an order!
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DR. KRELLMAN
All right - take your seats!
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(Agents X and Y take their seats - Agent X
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continues painting as Doctor Krellman takes off
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his bus drivers hat)
At last!
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(He pulls a white lab coat out from under the
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drivers seat, puts it on)
Im no longer Sydney the bus driver - Im now Doctor Krellman, international expert on
the cloning process - really makes my day!
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(Unzips the pouch, with loving care takes out
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the big toe, looks at it)
The toe of little Larry - soon, I will hold your complete foot in my hand!
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(He drops the toe into the fare box - it clinks
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like a coin)
Now for maximum engine speed!
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(He takes a brick out from under the drivers
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seat, puts it on the accelerator - the SOUND of
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the bus engine roaring - the LIGHTS DIM)
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AGENT X
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(Painting)
A new effect! - the absence of light - it will revolutionize painting!
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AGENT Y
I hope this clone turns out right - were behind schedule!

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4-8
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DR. KRELLMAN
My little son is being cloned!
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(The engine roars - suddenly the SOUNDS of
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the horn honking, turn signals beeping, and the
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doors snapping open and shut several times)
Thats the signal!
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(The lights come back up)
Im a father!
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(He removes the brick from the accelerator !
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the bus engine goes back to an idle)
If it can just get out of the engine compartment, the cloning will be a huge success! come on - lets see!
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(They run down the aisle and peer out the
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back window of the bus)
I hope it can climb out!
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It had better climb out, Doctor K!

AGENT Y

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AGENT X
Maybe the oven boys were wrong, and the clones been fricasseed!
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(A banging from the engine compartment,
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along with muffled curses)
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Thats it - little Larry!

DR. KRELLMAN

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AGENT Y
What if it cant get out?
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DR. KRELLMAN
If it cant climb out, then its too dumb to live!
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AGENT X
Maybe it could become an agent!
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Come on, Larry, come on!
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DOCTOR KRELLMAN

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(Muffled coughing, then the engine lid clangs

open - a shadowy figure climbs out the engine
compartment, coughing profusely - ENTER F)

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DR. KRELLMAN
My first human clone - and not a chicken leg in sight!
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Its F! - Ill soon give F its orders!
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AGENT Y

4-9

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(Still coughing, F staggers around the near

side of the bus, its head passing the bus
windows- they follow it down the aisle to the
front of the bus)

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AGENT X
I must do a portrait of its face - its so government - no expression!
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(F rounds the front of the bus, walking
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like Frankenstein - it looks exactly like Frank)
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DR. KRELLMAN
Time for Sidney the bus driver! - no contact with the clone - its just another passenger!
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(Rips off his lab coat, throws on his bus driver
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cap, jumps into the drivers seat - Agents X and
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Y stare blankly ahead - F pauses in front of the
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bus doors, reaches into its pocket, pulls out a
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coin, looks at it - swallows it - pulls out another
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coin, stares at it, slowly taps on the bus doors
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with the coin - Doctor K snaps open the doors
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- F staggers up the bus steps, stands reeling
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by the fare box)
You have exact change?
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(F stares at the coin, nods)
Put it in the fare box - were late!
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(F drops the coin in the fare box)
Take a seat..
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(F staggers to the back of the bus, sits down !
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reaches into a pocket, pulls out a cigarette)
No smoking!
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(F pauses, stares at the cigarette - then eats it
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- the clone finds a newspaper, opens it, stares
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at it - then starts to eat the newspaper)
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AGENT Y
Excuse me - you look like somebody I know..
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.. what is.. know?
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Do you know your name?

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F
(Stops eating the newspaper)

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AGENT Y

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F
.. I.. am.. toe..
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DR. KRELLMAN ! !
No, youre not - youre Larry - little Larry, my son!
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No, its F - thats its official name!

4-1

AGENT Y

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F
.. I am.. big toe..
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AGENT X
Weve unleashed a monstrous foot on the world!
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DR. KRELLMAN
Youre little Larry Krellman! - do you want to fish, son?
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F
.. what is.. to fish son?
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AGENT Y
Never mind - youre coming with us!
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(Pulling out a gun)
On your feet, F - weve got a date with a government psychiatrist for you!
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AGENT X
For him? - youre the one holding a gun!
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These things can kill, X!

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AGENT Y
(Waving gun around)

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Dont threaten my son!

DR. KRELLMAN

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AGENT Y
Shut up! - F, if you dont come quietly, Ill make you go back into that engine, and force
Dr. K to clone a new F!
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F
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(Getting to its feet)
.. no.. no more.. fumes.. does psychiatrist.. emit fumes?
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4-11
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AGENT Y
He emits psyche! - now, lets go - thats enough painting, X - weve got our orders!
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AGENT X! !
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(Packing up his easel)
Art is always being interrupted..
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Dont take my son from me!

DR. KRELLMAN

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AGENT Y
Orders are orders - lets go, F!
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DR. KRELLMAN
F! - what kind of name is that for a little boy? - itll get a trauma!

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AGENT Y
Thats what the psychiatrist is for!
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(To the clone)
You are F! - you have no past, no friends, and no family - lets go! - the psychiatrist will
straighten you out!
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AGENT X
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(Going down bus steps)
Hes done wonders for me..
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Watch those steps!
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.. lets go.. steps go.. go fish son..
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Inside, hes just a simple country toe..
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AGENT Y
(Gesturing with gun - to F)
F
(Staggering down steps)
AGENT X
(Going down the steps behind him)
(Agent X carries his palette and easel, Agent Y
points his gun at shadows, as F staggers
between them - all EXIT down the street)

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DR. KRELLMAN
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(Shouting out a bus window after them)
No! - dont take my little Larry! - dont worry, son! - Daddy will find you and rescue you
from the nasty men - my bus route covers the city!

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4-12
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DR.KRELLMAN (Cont.)
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(Takes off his bus drivers cap, his glasses and
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his mustache, pulls a fake white beard from
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under the drivers seat, snaps it on his face, sits
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in the drivers seat)
But first, I must go to my moonlight job - where I use a pseudonym to protect my
reputation - Ill soon be Doctor Mover, government psychiatrist..
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(He revs the engine and puts the bus in gear,
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as the LIGHTS DIM)
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SCENE END

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SCENE 5

5-1

At Rise: A door with a sign stating Government Psychiatrist - next to it, another door
with a sign stating, Government Custodian, a faint clickety-clack, clickety-clack
comes from behind this door - AGENTS X and Y ENTER down the hall with F between
them - they pause in front of the door marked Government Psychiatrist.
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AGENT Y
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(Taking a secret look at his watch)
Were early! - well, F, this is the psychiatrists office..
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AGENT X
His studio - where he paints on the canvases of other peoples souls..
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AGENT Y
The important thing with a psychiatrist is to appear cool and unflappable at all times - no
matter what he says! - hide your real emotions and choose your words carefully - and
dont ever let him know hes hit a nerve! - remember, cool and unflappable..
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Flappable?
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No, no - dont do that!

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F
(Flapping his arms)

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AGENT Y

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Only when you want to make a point..

AGENT X

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AGENT Y
He might thing youre crazy! - it could endanger Operation Sea Dog! - we want him to
give you a personality - not analyze you!
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AGENT X
Y, you know a lot about this doctor - ever visit his office?
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AGENT Y
No, no, never - I avoid him at all costs! - when we meet in the hallway, I stare at the floor
so he wont notice me! - I dont want to find out anything about myself - it could be
confusing! - have you ever visited his office, X?
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AGENT X
I play golf with the doctor and lunch with him often - he says hed rather meet with me,
then see me in his office - but he accepts my self-image - as an artiste! - its refreshing
not be seen as my clothes, my hair or my job - we talk about some of the more obscure

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5-2
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AGENT X (Cont.)! !
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Impressionists, the latest trends in Europe - hes even bought one of my paintings and
hung it in his office - which he believes is a box-car filled with frozen brussels sprouts he doesnt like to stay in there - he told me secretly hes a railroad engineer, and I
accept him as this, while he sees me as an artiste - a working relationship, he calls it..
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.. railroad golf..

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AGENT Y
You bear some investigating, X - you and this psychiatrist - you should both be happy as
you are!
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.. fish toe..

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AGENT X
Okay F, time to go in - look straight ahead - my painting is hanging on the wall - they
raved about it in Des Moines! - I call it, Dump Truck in Whipped Cream - its quite
Impressionistic!
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F
.. cream Des Moines..
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AGENT Y
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(Knocking and calling through the door)
Doctor - Ive got a new patient!
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(Opening the door)
Get in there, F! - remember, let him do the talking - its safer!
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(Pushes F into the office - F ENTERS a plush
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office - thick rug, leather chair in front of a big
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desk, a painting of a dump truck stuck in
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whipped cream hangs on the back wall - a man
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in a grey shirt sits with his back to F, looking at
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the painting - he is eating a sandwich, an open
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lunch pail beside him)
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Doctor?
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Doctor?
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Doctor!
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(No response)

(No response - F flaps his arms rapidly)

(The man turns around, looks at him flapping)

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5-3
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CUSTODIAN!!
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Sorry, didnt hear you come in - perch on that chair and take a load off your wings!
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(F stops flapping, sits down)
Dont worry, I understand - I feel the same way by Friday - damn job! - look at this crazy
painting - cant figure it out! - ever see such a thing?
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.. whipped crazy..

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CUSTODIAN
I say its garbage! - un-American! - a dump truck stuck in whipped cream - look at the
driver - hows he gonna get that load to the site if hes stuck in whipped cream? construction could be held up for days - its shameful!
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Flappable!

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F
(Flapping his arms)

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CUSTODIAN
Dont fly off! - sit and chat - maybe I can help you - want your floor waxed or something?
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F
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(Stops flapping)
.. no wax, fish boat..
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Well.. your faucet leak?

CUSTODIAN

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.. no toe leak..

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CUSTODIAN
Well, dammit, man - something must need fixing!
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F
.. fix my.. identity.. dammit man!
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CUSTODIAN
Identity? - fix your identity? - what room are you in? - dont know if I have tools for that..
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F
Need new.. dammit.. identity!
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CUSTODIAN
A new identity? - look here, who do you think I am?

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.. railroad doctor..

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F!

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5-4

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CUSTODIAN
Railroad doctor? - that explains it! - Im not the doctor - Im the custodian! - I take care of
this building - clean things, fix things - but not identities - wouldnt know where to put a
wrench on one! - railroad engineer - you got me mixed up with Doctor Mover, the shrink!
- every Friday he makes a run in his steam-engine - he gets tired of looking at these
frozen brussels sprouts in this box-car - so, he goes up front to the engine - thats my
custodian closet - he thinks Im his fireman! - didnt they tell you this? - the whole
building knows about the doctor! - I guess he forgot to switch the signs on the doors he gets excited when hes going to be at the controls of his engine! - but I dont mind
this box-car - its got lots of room, even with these brussels sprouts - I get tired of that
closet - I have to eat my lunch standing up! - yeah, this is pretty nice, a psychiatrists
office - though I may have to take my mop to that painting..
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F
.. brussels mops..
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CUSTODIAN
You talk like the doctor! - why dont you go up to the locomotive and see him? - maybe
he can fix your identity! - wait a minute, I might have something in my toolbox..
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(Searches in tool box)
Now is that a seven-eighths identity or..?
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.. seven-eighths toe foot..
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F
(Getting up)

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(F EXITS, leaving the custodian searching

through his tool box - he stands in the hall,
looking at the door marked Custodian - a faint
clickety-clack, clickety-clack still comes from
behind the door - F staggers up to the door,
slowly knocks on the door - no response - the
SOUND of a !voice imitating a train whistle)

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DR. MOVER (OFFSTAGE)
Whoo-whooo! Whoo-whooo! - get off the tracks, you stupid cow!
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F
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(Knocking on door)
Doctor.. Cowtrack?
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Whoo-whooo!

DR. MOVER (OFFSTAGE)

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5-5
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(F opens the door - Dr. Mover is wearing a
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railroad engineers cap, standing in a small
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janitorial closet, a light bulb overhead, shelves
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with bottles and cans, mops, pails and brooms
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in the corner - Dr. Mover is holding onto
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the overhead pipes, swaying from side to side)
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DR. MOVER
Clickety-clack, clickety-clack - climb aboard and shut that door! - the draft could blow
out ol Betsys fire!
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(F staggers into room - shuts door behind him)
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F
.. draft Betsy..
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(Together they begin to sway)
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DR. MOVER
Whoo-whooo! - damn cows! - theyre all over - the worlds cows should be seen, but not
herd - get it? - not herd! - railroad joke - you the new brakeman?
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.. Doctor.. Jokeman?

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DR. MOVER
Call me Casey! - can you shovel coal? - my firemans on his break - we need steam!
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.. steam shovel..

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DR. MOVER
Good - I could use a guy like you!
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F
.. guy like, guy like.. who am I?
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DR. MOVER
Chug-a-chug, chug-a-chug, chug-a-chug! - who are you? - I dont know! - who are you?
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F
.. chug-a-chug, chug-a-chug.. my problem..
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DR. MOVER
More coal, more coal, more coal! - so, what is your problem?
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5-6
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F!
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(Starts to shovel imaginary coal into a fire box)
.. want to.. want to.. be somebody!
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DR. MOVER
Here comes the express, here comes the express, here comes the express - right on
time! - roarrr, swooosh, clatter! - flash, flash, flash! - there goes the express - right on
time! - so, who do you want to be?
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.. real, real.. person!

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DR. MOVER
A real person? - theres no such thing! - look here, you have a name, dont you?
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F
.. little Larry.. F toe..
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DR. MOVER
Sounds like you got a mouthful of brussels sprouts - what kind of name is that? - I think
youve got schizophrobia! - lets see, you dont look like my fireman, and I know youre
not me - dammit, are you my new brakeman?!
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.. schizodammit!!

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F
(Stops shoveling)

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DR. MOVER
Maybe youre a passenger! - thats all thats left - except for the conductor - and he was
in here just a whistle ago - gave me the passenger list - maybe youre on it - here! - take
the controls - I got that list somewhere!
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(Searches his person)
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F
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(Grabbing the imaginary controls)
Whoo..whooo..
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DR. MOVER
Watch out for those cows! - if you see one on the track, pull this cord - it stops
everything! - I thinking of having one installed on my boss..
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(Doctor Krellman searches his person)
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.. chug-a.. chug-a.. whooo-fun!

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F
(At the imaginary controls)

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5-7
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DR. MOVER!!
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You bet your coal chute!
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(Finds list)
Ah! - here it is - the passenger list!
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(Looks at list)
.. let me see, now.. yes, here it is! - boarded at Sproutville at one twenty-seven.. Frank..
thats you - Frank! - watch out for that cow!
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(Pulling an imaginary cord)
Whoo-whooo! - off the tracks, you dumb beast! - here Frank - give me those controls! were behind schedule - got to make time - more coal! - more steam! - more speed!
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F
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(Shoveling imaginary coal)
.. Frank.. Frank.. Im..
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(Stops shoveling)
.. Frank!.. Im.. somebody!
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DR. MOVER
Yes, youre Frank! - dont stop shoveling that coal!
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(F starts shoveling again)
Dont know where that fireman is - can you imagine? - he took a smoke break! - yes,
youre Frank, the leader of POMP, an ecology group that protects porpoises - hey,
theres a mountain ahead - with a hole in it - looks dark - must be the tunnel - I hate
tunnels - theyre so symbolic!
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.. Frank.. Pomptunnel?

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DR. MOVER
You should be a shrink! - oh, oh! - here we go in the tunnel - cant see! - hope no cows
in here - youre getting off in Tuna City at one-thirty-three - wheres Tuna City? - I can
never find it - and its almost one-thirty-three! - dont worry, Frank - Casey and ol Betsy
will get you there on time!
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.. one-thirty-three.. Tuna City..

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DR. MOVER
Dammit, its dark! - wheres the end of this stupid tunnel? - yes, were stopping at Tuna
City - the conductor said youre going to make a big speech there - imagine!
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.. imagine.. speech..
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5-8
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DR. MOVER!!
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Say whatever jumps into your head! - whoever listens to speeches, anyway? - just flap
your arms and look sincere!
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.. flap.. sincere..

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F
(Flapping his arms)

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DR. MOVER
Very good - you look like a chicken trying to get out the way of the Chicago express! dont worry, everything will turn out all right - just dont take things too seriously - life is
for laughing! - the conductor said somebody will meet you at the station - we must
nearly be to Tuna City - Ive never stopped there - never been able to find it - keep your
eyes peeled!
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.. peeled.. eye sign..

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F!
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(Pointing ahead)

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DR. MOVER
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(Looking ahead)
Youre right - it could be the end of the tunnel!
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F
.. tunnel.. end sign..
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DR. MOVER
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(Looking ahead)
A sign in a tunnel? - I see it! - never noticed it before - maybe somethings wrong!
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F
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(Looking ahead)
.. Tuna City.. tunnel sign..
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DR. MOVER
Youre right! - the sign says, Tuna City Station - but it cant be Tuna City - were still
inside the tunnel - whoever heard of a town inside a tunnel? - I wonder if the people
ever get up? - but, its Tuna City all right - and were going too fast! - have to pull the
emergency cord!
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(Pulls emergency cord - they both lurch)
Hang on! - dont know if I can stop! - screee-eeeeechhh! - grinnnd! - squeealll! - clunk! shhhhh.. hisss.. made it!
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(Pulls out a big gold watch)
One-thirty-three - right on time! - Tuna City Station! - all passengers disembark!

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5-9
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F
.. only.. Frank passenger..! !
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DR. MOVER!!
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Well, get off quick! - the express is coming through any minute! - I dont see anyone
waiting - but, its hard to see in a tunnel - well, Im on a schedule - thanks for shoveling
coal! - one last thing - you are Frank - and you speak English! - lose the baboon talk!
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F
.. baboon talk?.. but Im.. Frank... and now what.. am I.. supposed to do?
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DR. MOVER
Ill let you in on a secret, Frank - even I dont know what Im supposed to do - the only
ones in the world who know are those stupid cows! - they know to stand on the tracks
until they see me coming - then they know to move off the tracks very, very slowly while I toot my whistle like mad - whoo-whoo! - and those damn cows know it very
nearly stops my heart! - well, Im off - keep your steam up! Clang-clang! Clang-clang!
All a-boooaard!
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(DR. MOVER starts swaying - F shuts the
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door - the SOUND of clickety-clack,
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clickety-clack still comes through the door - F
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in the hallway, facing X and Y)
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F
..all aboard.. Tuna City?
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AGENT Y
Yes, this is Tuna City - now, keep your mouth shut and follow us, you dumb toenail!
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AGENT X
Dont mind Y - hes mad because he spent the last half hour being analyzed by a
custodian - I guess now you know who you are, and what youre supposed to do..
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F
.. Im.. Im Frank.. and Im making.. a big speech.. tomorrow in Tuna City..
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AGENT X
Good! - now, youre the most important part of Operation Sea Dog!
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AGENT Y
No talking to the clone, X - lets go! - weve got orders - now, we gotta make the switch!
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(AGENTS X and Y, and F EXIT down the hall)
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SCENE END
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SCENE 6

6-1

At Rise : The bathroom - Frank, in wet suit and flippers, is lying asleep in the clawfoot
tub full of water, snoring through his snorkel - an alarm clock on a shelf - ENTER
AGENT Y from offstage - he sneaks up, looks at Frank, listens, sneaks back to the edge
of offstage)
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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper to offstage)
Pssst - X! - Franks asleep - come on - lets make the switch..
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What?

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AGENT X (OFFSTAGE)
(Loud voice)

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Shhhh - quiet!

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AGENT Y
(Stage whisper to offstage)

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What?

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AGENT X (OFFSTAGE)
(Loud voice)

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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper to offstage)
Shhh! - come on - and tell F to get ready..
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Whos F?

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Is Frank asleep?

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F (OFFSTAGE)
(Loud voice)

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AGENT X
(Loud voice)

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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper to offstage)
He wont be if you dont shut up - come on - and dont forget the net!
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Hes not asleep?
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AGENT X
(Loud voice)

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Why do we need this net?

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6-2
(Frank groans and splashes in his sleep AGENT Y runs offstage, EXITS - AGENT Y
ENTERS dragging AGENT X, who
ENTERS carrying a net)
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AGENT X! !
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(Loud voice)

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Shhh! - Franks asleep!
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AGENT Y
(Stage whisper)

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(The two of them cautiously approach Frank

in his bathtub)

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AGENT X
(Stage whisper)

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He looks familiar - who is he?

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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper)
Hes an impostor - he thinks hes Frank - well replace him with F - F is the real Frank!
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F (OFFSTAGE)
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(Loud voice)
Whos F?
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Shhh!

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AGENT Y
(Stage whisper to offstage)

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AGENT X
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(Stage whisper)
Wait a minute, Im confused - were replacing Frank with F, right?
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Im Frank!

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F (OFFSTAGE)
(Loud voice)

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Shhh!
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AGENT Y
(Stage whisper to offstage)

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AGENT X
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(Stage whisper)
Oh! - then were replacing F with Frank, right?
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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper)
No - get it straight!
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(Pointing at bathtub)
Hes the real Frank..
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(Pointing offstage)
.. he only thinks hes Frank!

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F
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(Loud voice)
Im Frank! - he must only think hes Frank - he must be F!
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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper to offstage)
Shhh!
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AGENT X
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(Stage whisper, pointing offstage)
If hes F..
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(Pointing into bath tub)
..and thats Frank.. then weve replaced Frank and done our job - lets go!
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(Agent X starts to exit with net)
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Wait a minute!

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Shhhh!
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Our orders are..
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.. to get him out of the bathtub..
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.. and get him into it..
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AGENT Y
(Loud voice)

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AGENT X
(Stage whisper)

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AGENT Y
(Stage whisper)

(Pointing at Frank in the bathtub)

(Pointing at F offstage)

6-3

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F (OFFSTAGE)
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(Loud voice)
Why am I going into a bathtub? - Ill get wet!

6-4

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AGENT Y
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(Goes to edge of stage, stage whispers to
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offstage)
Shhhh! - thats why youre wearing a wetsuit - youre going to sleep in the bath tub til
morning - then youll get up, go down to the tuna dock in Tuna City, and give your big
speech as the leader of POMP!
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F (OFFSTAGE)
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(Loud voice)
Frank the leader - thats me!
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Quiet!

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Shhhh!
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Come on - lets make the switch..

AGENT Y
(Loud voice to offstage)
AGENT X
(To Agent Y)
AGENT Y
(Goes back to tub - stage whisper to Agent X)

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F (OFFSTAGE)
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(Loud voice)
Whats that impostor doing in my tub? - I need some sleep!
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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper to offstage)
Shhh!
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(Stage whisper to Agent X)
Get the net ready!
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Ready!

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AGENT X
(Stage whisper - lifting up net)

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Take your position..
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AGENT Y
(Stage whisper)

(Cups hands around his mouth - loud voice)

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6-5
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AGENT Y (Cont.)
You men! - get that speedboat round those porpoises - theres sure to be tuna beneath
em - round em up - get that net ready!
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(Frank stirs and splashes a little)
More speed on that boat - dont let em get away! - get that net round those porpoises!
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(Frank starts splashing more, breathing heavily
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through his snorkel)
Got em trapped? - what about that big male?
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(Leans over Frank, shouts down)
Looks like a leader - dont let him escape - he might take the others!
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(Frank starts flopping in the tub in a panic)
Throw that net!
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(Agent X throws the net over the bathtub)
Got him!
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(Frank flops frantically in the net)
Haul up that net! - put the tuna in the hold - throw back those injured porpoises - we
dont need em! - wait a minute, flip that leader on board - lets have a look at him!
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(Agents X and Y haul Frank from the bathtub,
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entwined in the net - he lies flapping and
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gasping on the floor, staring at them through
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his face mask, breathing heavily through his
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snorkel as he lies wrapped in the net - Agent Y
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pokes him)
Hes a leader all right - well use him to find more tuna - drag him to the edge of the boat
- well throw him in the drink, after weve iced the fish..
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(AGENTS X and Y EXIT, dragging Frank
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offstage in the net)
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Come on, F - time for your job!
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AGENT Y (OFFSTAGE)
(Loud voice)

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(ENTER AGENTS X and Y, and F in wetsuit

and flippers and face mask)

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Thats my tub - let me in there!
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Ahhhh.. but brrrr - its cold!
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Its like the open sea, Frank!

(He jumps in the bath tub, lies down it)

AGENT X

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F
Frank, Frank - I am Frank! - but why was I out of my tub? - you guys better leave..
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(Yawns)

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6-6
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F (Cont.)
.. I need some sleep!
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(F yawns again, starts snoring - Agent Y
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sneaks over to the alarm clock, pulls out a gray
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alarm clock - switches alarm clocks)
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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper)
Lets go, X - I switched the clocks, like Mr. Z told us..
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AGENT X! !
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(Stage whisper)
I need to get back and paint - how one must sneak ones art into ones day!
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AGENT Y
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(Stage whisper)
That government alarm clock will indoctrinate him with the right speech..
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Im Frank, Im Frank, Im Frank..
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F
(Falling asleep)
(Snores through his snorkel)

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AGENT Y
Pleasant dreams, Frank - soon youll awaken, and give your big speech..
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AGENT X
I hope theyre not government dreams - mine have no color, no life..
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AGENT Y
Me - I never dream - I might find out something about myself..
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What about Frank in the net?

AGENT X

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AGENT Y
Well leave him, until after the speech - hell be fine..
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AGENT X
Easy for you to say - youre not caught in a net..
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(AGENTS X and Y EXIT, a pause)
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GOVERNMENT ALARM CLOCK
Frank.. this is the speech youre going to give tomorrow.. porpoises.. are bad! porpoises are not our brothers - porpoises are just meat! - and porpoises are...

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6-7
(LIGHTS DIM as the alarm clock drones on F snores through his snorkel - a pause, and
DOCTOR KRELLMAN ENTERS, dragging the
net - FRANK ENTERS, on the floor, still caught
in the net - Doctor Krellman pauses)

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DOCTOR KRELLMAN
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(Talking down to Frank in the net)
Frank - glad I found you - good thing I followed those agents - I need you now for that
cloning - I got some of Skippys spit off a pickle - Im going to clone a new porpoise, and
then imprint it with your personality - youll still be you, but youll have the body of a
porpoise - this will be my supreme experiment!
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FRANK!
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But, Doc, what will happen to my human body?
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DOCTOR KRELLMAN
Itll be useless once we suck out your personality - well just throw it in the dumpster..
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FRANK
Get me out of this net, now!
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DOCTOR KRELLMAN
No can do, Frank - we have to run the experiment before the spit dries! - Ill drag you
back to my mobile laboratory..
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This net is cutting off my circulation!
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Good thing Im a doctor!

FRANK!

DOCTOR KRELLMAN

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FRANK
And its not good for my image, being dragged along!
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Good thing Im a therapist!
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Now, tell me about your childhood..

DOCTOR KRELLMAN
(Starts dragging Frank in the net)

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FRANK
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(Lying on his back, talking up to the doctor)
Well, Doctor, it all began with my mother..
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Yes, yes, go on..
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DOCTOR KRELLMAN
(Over his shoulder, dragging FRANK offstage
in the net)

(DOCTOR KRELLMAN and FRANK EXIT)

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SCENE END

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SCENE 7

7-1

At Rise: The platform at the edge of the research pool - Skippy is speaking through the
loudspeaker from the pool.
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SKIPPY (OFFSTAGE)
Attention man! Attention man! I, Skippy the porpoise, am going to climb out of this pool,
and walk on land with my flippers - you must see this - I repeat - you must see this - it
will be a first!
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(A pause - ENTER SKIPPY, flopping up the
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ladder from the pool - stands dripping on the
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edge of the pool - calls offstage)
Hey, humans - over here! - its me, Skippy! - I want to live like a human! - Im going to
walk on land, drive a car, get a job and buy a house - hey, humans - I want mine! - Im
real Third World - hey, you guys - its me, Skippy!
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(A pause, no response - muttering to himself)
.. got to get some clothes.. tired of being wet and eating fish all the time - blecchhh!
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(Shouting)
Hey, humans - got a towel? - I wanta go down and get myself a hamburger!
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(ENTER MARTY at a run)
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MARTY
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(Shouting down into the pool)
Skippy! Skippy! - I heard your voice - are you all right?
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Marty - Im over here! - yeah, Im fine..

SKIPPY

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MARTY
Oh, Skippy! - how did you ever get out?
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Mind over matter, babe..

SKIPPY

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MARTY
But, how long can you stay up on land?
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SKIPPY
Figure half hour.. hey girl, hows it goin? - hows ol Frank? - he still wanta change
places with me?
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(Laughs)
Poor guy - I mean, no way I want to be human - no way!
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MARTY
Frank is drifting between two worlds, Skippy - hes having real trouble with his identity..

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7-2
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SKIPPY!
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Forget him! - that guy will never figure it out - as for me, Im perfectly happy swimming in
that cool pool - Im completely at home down there - I am one satisfied mammal, Marty no problems, all the fish I can eat - too bad you cant join me - why dont you leave your
dusty old world and take a lifetime swim with me? - do you good - look at me!
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MARTY
Oh, Skippy, youre so well-adjusted - I wish Frank could be wise like you..
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SKIPPY
Yeah, Im a regular guru of the deep - and, Marty.. you grow on me, like a barnacle..
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MARTY
Maybe one day we can get together - it must be frustrating to live in that pool alone - but
Doctor Krellman tries to take care of you - hes such a kind man..
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SKIPPY
Oh, Doc Krellmans all right.. its just he doesnt understand my needs - hes always
pushing his likes and dislikes on me - I dont want to eat eggs for breakfast! - they get all
soggy floating on the surface - and those books he keeps throwing in the pool - I dont
want to read those - theyre his taste! - Wuthering Heights and Albert Schweitzer in the
Jungle - give me a break..
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MARTY
Ill put in a word for you - but my little sea-turtle - what about you and me?
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SKIPPY
Me and you, babe? - like Romeo and Juliet - that one I read! - I get all choked up when I
see you on the surface - bubbles shoot from my nose! - without you, Im just a minnow
in a mud puddle..
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MARTY
Oh, Skippy - I get all funny inside when you say those things..
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SKIPPY
Thats heartburn! - I can see it with my sonar - you gotta lay off the onions on those
double cheeseburgers - speaking of which, did you remember to bring me a hamburger
with fries? - Im sick of fish and eggs - I want some meat!
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MARTY
I forgot, Skippy - but Ill make it up - well have a picnic tomorrow - here by your pool!
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SKIPPY
But no pickles! - I cant stand pickles! - Doc Krellman is always throwing them at me!
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No pickles..

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MARTY !

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7-3

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SKIPPY
Do you have a car? - I can ride in one! - just keep me wrapped in wet blankets - or well
keep the car full of water - I wanta take a ride - first, get an oxygen tank - then well look
for an apartment - in a mixed neighborhood - theyll have to rent to us, Marty, or Ill cry,
Discrimination! - Ive got big plans for us - well get up, youll pour some coffee down
my beak - and away Ill flap - off to the office - itll be a great life!
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MARTY
It sounds so exciting! - but what will I tell Frank?
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SKIPPY
Face it, Marty - youre going to have to dump that clown! - let him live in a reef! - its a
drag underwater - cold, damp - and so dirty! - theres no personal hygiene and no
sanitation - the stuff gets thick!
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MARTY
I know Frank has trouble accepting himself as human - but hes a good man - kind and
loving - he cares for me! - and I worry about him..
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SKIPPY
Its him or me, babe - make up your mind! - either a big macho mammal like me - or
Frank, that piece of human seaweed - its your life - but listen, before you do make up
your mind - you know you make my heart go pitta-pat..
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Oh, Skippy - really?

MARTY

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SKIPPY
You bet your tide pool, my little starfish..
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MARTY
That makes me so confused! - I just cant think, right now..
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SKIPPY
Whats there to think? - I know what I want, and willing to flap a fin to get it! - and Frank
- lets face it, girl - Frank is just drifting with the tide..
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(ENTER DR. KRELLMAN)
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DR. KRELLMAN
Skippy - youre out! - I heard rumors you strolled around the pool at night - but now I see
you can walk! - what an advance for science - good boy!
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(Throws a pickle at Skippy)

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A sweet gherkin - gee, thanks, Doc..
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Ill munch it later..

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7-4
SKIPPY !
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(Catching pickle with a flipper, holding it up)
(Throws pickle into pool - SOUND of a splash)

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DR. KRELLMAN
Sorry Im late, Marty - my computer insisted we take a coffee break - it drank six cups of
coffee and ate twenty-three doughnuts - got so caffeinated, it called up eleven different
computers - played chess with three, talked circuitry with seven - and told the last one to
get the phone bill straight, or it wouldnt pay! - wheres Frank?
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MARTY
Frank should be here soon - he wants you to hear his speech!
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DR. KRELLMAN
I cant wait - have to transfer Skippy through the locks to the sea - from there, hell swim
to the tuna dock, while I travel by boat..
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SKIPPY
Ive been working on my own speech, Doc, titled Mammal or Beast - Which are You?
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DR. KRELLMAN
My computer could help - it knows all about you - you two should meet!
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SKIPPY
Now Im out of that goldfish bowl, Im going to flop over to your computer and drip on its
circuits - Im sick of being analyzed by that whiz-kid! - it hasnt got soul, Doc..
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MARTY
Doctor, do you need help transferring Skippy through the locks?
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DR. KRELLMAN
No, Marty - its just a matter of valves, levers and locks - Skippys very familiar with the
process - and he wont swim away - right , Skippy?
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SKIPPY
Ill be so glad to get out that frog pond, Doc - need to get my head together in the open
sea! - pull those levers, turn those valves and open the locks - I want to swim free!
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DR. KRELLMAN
All right, boy - lets get this operation underway!
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(To Marty)
We wont wait for Frank - he can go by car to the dock - Skippy has to swim all the way!
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7-4
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SKIPPY !
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Not for long, Doc..
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DR. STERNER
Jump in, Skippy - Im going to open the locks!
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SKIPPY
Cant wait!
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(DR. KRELLMAN EXITS - Skippy goes to the
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pool ladder, grabs top with his flipper)
Marty - see you later, babe..
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(The grinding SOUND of locks opening)
The locks are opening - Ive got to go - I can taste the sea already - ah, the sea! - see
you at the tuna dock, my love!
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MARTY
Oh, Skippy, dont leave me..
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Destinys calling, Marty!
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SKIPPY

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(SKIPPY EXITS down the ladder - the SOUND

of him splashing into the pool)

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MARTY
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(Calling down to the pool)
Have a good swim! - dont catch cold! - oh, Skippy, if you only knew how much I want to
be with you - and I always thought that big bulb on your head.. was kinda cute..
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(ENTER F in his wetsuit)
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Who are you?

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MARTY
Frank, remember? - Im Marty, your wife - where have you been?
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F
Wife? - they didnt tell me about any wife..
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MARTY
Frank, have you finally gone into denial?
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F
Im looking for a Doctor Krellman - Im supposed to practice my speech on him Ill show him what I really think of porpoises!

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7-5
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MARTY !
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Doctor Krellman has already left for the tuna dock - hell have to hear your speech down
there - the place will be packed with people from POMP - and if Im to get a seat, I have
to go, too - practice your speech by yourself - see you on the tuna dock, dearest!
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(MARTY EXITS)
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F
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(Looking after her)
Dearest?!
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(Looks up at the picture of Skippy)
That must be a picture of that porpoise - whats his name? - Skipper, Skippy..
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(Goes up to the picture of Skippy, pulls out a
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marker, draws a mustache on the face- shouts
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up at picture)
Skippy - you giant swimming nose - Id like to see you smothered in catsup! - what do
you think about that, crab-breath? - applaud me with your flippers - Ill throw you a fish! see you later, oyster-face - Im announcing a big policy shift for POMP - itll turn around
public opinion on the protection of porpoises - protection, hah! - pan-fried is more like it!
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(FRANK EXITS - a pause, and SKIPPY
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ENTERS up the ladder from the pool, pauses
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on the top rung to look after Frank)
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SKIPPY
Frank, you human moron, I heard every word - time for a flipper-to-face confrontation!
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(SKIPPY EXITS down the ladder - the SOUND
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of the locks opening - LIGHTS DIM on the
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picture of a smiling, mustachioed Skippy)
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SCENE END
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SCENE 8!

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8-1

At Rise: No one on the tuna dock, except a shadowy figure in a bird costume peering
down from one of the pilings.
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Skreee-ahhh!
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MR. Z!!

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(ENTER AGENTS X and Y with F - they stand

at the edge of the dock - X wearing
sunglasses, a colorful scarf wrapped
around his neck, a beret on his head - he
clenches a cigarette holder between his teeth
as he clutches his palette and easel - Agent
Y wears a reporters hat, a ticket stuck into
it, carrying a Brownie box camera - F is
wearing his wet suit, flippers, and face mask his snorkel dangles from a strap)

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AGENT Y
Were deep undercover, X - dont do anything stupid!
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Oui, oui, monsieur..

AGENT X

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Save that for the public!

AGENT Y

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Am I undercover, too?

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AGENT Y
Thats why youre wearing Franks wet suit!
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Because I am Frank!

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AGENT Y
Did you memorize your speech last night?
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F
Had to, couldnt sleep - thought the alarm clock was talking to me..
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Here comes Dr. K!

AGENT X

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8-2
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AGENT Y! !
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Shhh! - hopefully, he wont recognize us - and F, the doctor will think youre Frank..
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F
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(Loudly)
I am Frank!
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AGENT Y
Shhhh! - the only reason you think youre Frank is because we told you all about Frank hide behind that piling, for now - we have to see if our disguises work....
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Im Frank!
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(F flops behind the piling - ENTER DR.

KRELLMAN)

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DR. KRELLMAN
Hello, Im Doctor Krellman from the National Cloning Institute..
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AGENT X
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(French accent)
Oui, monsieur - allow me to inzroduce myself - Henri Touche, ze famoss painter..
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DR. KRELLMAN
Never heard of you, but you look familiar..
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E-ver hear of Peugeot?

AGENT X

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Great cars..

DR. KRELLMAN

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AGENT X
I painted his bro-ther - Portrait of Peugeot in Pastel - hanging in ze Louvre..
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DR. KRELLMAN
Been to the Louvre - dont remember that one..
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.. hanging in ze basement..
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Hold it! - right there!
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AGENT X

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AGENT Y
(To Dr. Krellman)

(Snaps shutter at Dr. Krellman)

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8-3
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AGENT Y (Cont.)
Great - great profile! - a real sincere nose!
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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Hmmm.. you also look familiar..
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AGENT Y
Hold it - freeze!
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(Snaps shutter)
Im with the press - Ive snapped your picture before - didnt you have a mustache?
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(Kneels, points camera up at Dr. Krellman)
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DR. KRELLMAN
Only in my youth..
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AGENT Y
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(Snaps picture)
Got it! - the roof of your mouth - great stuff!
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DR. KRELLMAN
Obviously, youve both escaped from an asylum - I better get that net!
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(DR. KRELLMAN EXITS - ENTER MARTY !
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AGENT Y kneels and snaps her picture as
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soon as she enters)
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AGENT Y
Got you! - completely off guard - thats the way our readers like em!
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MARTY
Which newspaper are you from?
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AGENT Y
Saucer Weekly - we cover all sightings! - Im the Saucer reporter - also, its copy boy,
editor, and publisher - and I deliver it on my bike - we got a hundred thirty-two
subscribers in my home town of Altoona - they dont read much news - just like to look
at pictures of saucers and aliens!
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Aliens? - reminds me of Frank..

MARTY

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AGENT Y
And I understand one o them aliens is right under this dock! - that theyve built some
kind of talky machine to speak with it..
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8-4
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AGENT Y (Cont.)
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(Points at speaker)
.. that could be the machine right there!
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(Snaps shutter at speaker)
Got it! - shot from the hip - thats how I get them saucers - Im a regular Quick-draw
McGraw with my Brownie!
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MARTY
Have you seen Skippy? - hes the only one who understands me - Ive got to find him!
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(MARTY EXITS - ENTER FRANK up the dock
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ladder - he has become a porpoise, and looks
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just like Skippy)
Great Scott in a wheelbarrow - there was an alien under the dock!!
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(Snaps a camera shot from his hip)
Got it! - a shot of an alien! - gosh, youre ugly - you really an alien? - our Saucer Weekly
expert checks my pictures before we publish - thats my wife, Alice! - she takes a squint,
and always says, Yep - thats one - print it, Elmer! - though my names Earl! - could
she be alien? - shes sure changed since that beam of light came through our car whoosh! - there went Alice up through the roof, little legs akickin - two hours later
I awoke and she was back in the seat beside me, starin straight ahead, all quiet - since
then, shes stopped naggin and lets me walk round the house in my underwear - yeah,
shes different all right - even her eyes have changed - ones red and the others purple still, I miss the old Alice - though I dont miss that naggin..
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FRANK!
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Im a porpoise!!
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AGENT Y
They got porpoise on your planet? - you come for more specimens? - take them, not me
- theyre good eatin - I wont taste good - Im a reporter - and I got gout!
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FRANK
Youre a reporter? - have I got a story for you!
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AGENT Y
Breaking alien news?
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(Taking out reporters notepad and pencil - licks
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end of pencil)
Now, tell me your alien story..
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FRANK
The headline should be: Porpoises becoming military assets!
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AGENT Y
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(Scribbling in note pad)
.. porpoises.. military.. assets.. - easy now! - we cant print nothin upsettin!

8-5

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FRANK
Let people be upset! - let your whole human world be upset! - your government trains
porpoises to find submarines - and porpoises are being coerced to help your military against our will! - thats what this story is all about!
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(ENTER F from behind the piling)
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F!
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(To Frank, gesturing at the picture of Skippy)
You look like that fish!
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FRANK
Im not a fish!
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AGENT Y! !
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(Snaps a shot of F with his Brownie)
You from the mothership, too? - spare me - Ill tell everything!
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F
Im here to make a big speech!
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FRANK
So am I!
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F
My speech is going to trump your speech!
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FRANK!
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Oh, yeah? - then, listen to this! - Four score and seven porpoises ago..
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F
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(Interrupting)
Already been done! - heres my speech! - When in the course of porpoise events..
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FRANK
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(Interrupting)
Too formal! - listen: Whoever you are, Ive always trusted in the kindness of
porpoises..
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F
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(Interrupting)
Too maudlin -It was the best of porpoises, it was the worst of porpoises..

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FRANK
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(Interrupting)
Too much foreshadowing! - now, listen to this..!

8-6

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F
No, Ive got this - you hear my speech!
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(Interrupting, clearing throat)
Ahem! - the best part!
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(Gives part of his speech)
.. and so I think porpoises should be looked upon as one of our most valuable national
resources - like a herd of cows - a stock of prime protein for humans - and their
by-products can be used to feed our dogs! - hear that, Skippy? - youre not just gonna
eat a hamburger - youre going to be one - with fries! - .. and so I want to urge all my
POMP supporters - and the whole nation! - to pressure the government into the taking
of not less, but more porpoises! - we must not save porpoises from fishing nets, but
must catch even more porpoise - and eat them with our teeth gnashing so!
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(Gnashes his teeth)
Umm, umm, good! - tastes just like fish! - because you are fish, and have fins all over
your body - its grotesque! - you should be kept underwater as much as possible - we
humans shouldnt have to look at you - except when youre lying in our plates!
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FRANK
My turn, my speech! - no, were not fish! - you humans have misunderstood porpoises
for years - were not underwater troops - nor food to be consumed at a table - were not
by-products of a tuna catch - or research projects to be locked up in pools - and were
not performing bears balancing a ball on the end of our nose - were caring, thinking
entities with whom you share the planet - treat us with respect and dont take advantage
of us - you humans may know about the land, but you know nothing about the sea!
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F!
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Oh? - I know everything about the sea - because Im Frank!
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Youre not Frank - Im Frank!

FRANK

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F
You cant be Frank - youre a porpoise - Frank is a human - and Im a human - Im
Frank, national leader of POMP!
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FRANK
No, Im Frank and I started POMP! - I may look like a porpoise, but Im still Frank - and I
learned from Doc Krellman that youve only been cloned from my toe!
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Skreeee-ahhhh!
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8-7
MR. Z
(Dropping down from the piling as The Hawk)

(Mr. Z lands in front of them)

FRANK

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Strange being - who are you?

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MR. Z
Im The Hawk! - and youre both in big trouble!
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(To Frank)
You are Frank! - leader of POMP - but now, youve become a traitor to our nation youve become one of them - some kind of porpoise!
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F!
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Hes not Frank - Im Frank!
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MR. Z!!
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(To F)! !
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Youre not Frank - youre just a clone of Frank - youre F! - and youre a disasterI I knew we should have cloned something else!
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F
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(Pauses)
Im, Im.. not Frank?.. Im just a.. a clone? - but, no, no - I must be Frank!
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MR. Z!!
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Youre just a stupid copy of Frank - and hes already stupid!

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FRANK!
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Whos stupid? - I am one smart porpoise! - Im finding Marty - only she understands me!
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(FRANK EXITS, flopping offstage)
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F!
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Im not Frank?
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MR. Z
Youre not anything - youre a nothing - less than a nothing! - youre an experiment - you
have no life - you clone!
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(ENTER DR. KRELLMAN dragging the net)
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F
Im just a clone? - Im not real? - I think Im gonna need more therapy!
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8-8
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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(Holding the net, slapping on his fake beard)
And Im here for you, F - Doctor Mover, your friendly neighborhood therapist!
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Whats with the net?

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DOCTOR KRELLMAN
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(Hiding net behind his back)
Oh, dont worry about that!
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(Throws net offstage)
There.. feel better? - now, lets talk!
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F!
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Youre not my therapist! - youre a bus driver who said he was my father - but those
agents called you a scientist - oh, Im so confused - and I dont even know who I am!
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DR. KRELLMAN
Well, who knows who any of us really are?
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F
But, please, please - you must tell me! - who am I?
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Youre my son - Little Larry!
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Dont tell him that!! !
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Youre F!

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DR. KRELLMAN
MR. Z!!

(To F)

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AGENT Y
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(To F)! !
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No, youre Frank!
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F
Wait a minute.. wait a minute! - now I remember - I was born in a bus engine - then the
agents took me to a therapist, who told me I was Frank..
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(Pointing at Frank)
..but, if hes really Frank, then I must really be F - oh, if youre Doctor Mover, why would
you tell me I was Frank?!
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8-9
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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Oh, son, Im so sorry - first I cloned you, then I lied to you - the government made me do
it! - I was afraid theyd re-classify me further down the alphabet - maybe to L government lawyer! - so I cloned you - you are F - just a clone of Frank!
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F
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(Pauses, turns away)
So.. I am F!
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(Turns back)
Well, if I am F.. then Ive got to be me - because Im F!
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DR. KRELLMAN! !
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You dont have to be F - you can be my son, little Larry - and you can follow in my
footsteps - but first, lets go fishing, son!
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What is go fishing son?

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DOCTOR KRELLMAN
Something truly fun - Ill teach you how to fish! - well drink some beer - and later, drink
even more beer and watch football! - lets go fish, son!
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Go fish son, lets go fish son!
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Come on, little Larry!
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DR. K

(DOCTOR KRELLMAN and F EXIT)

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MR. Z
Agent X, Agent Y - follow that clone - thats an order!
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AGENT X! !
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No, no - I no longer take ze orders from you, Monsieur Z - it iz over! - no longer vill I be
known as ze Agent X - I am leav-ing ze govern-ment - to live ze life of an artiste - I may
haf no francs, but I vill be hap-py - paint-ing my pic-tures and showing zem to ze world! buy them or no - I care not - for I am Henri Touche, famoss artiste!
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MR. Z
Then, we dont need you! - Agent Y - youre a company man - follow that clone - hurry!
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Right, Mr. Z!
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AGENT Y!

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(Starts to exit)

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AGENT X
Un mo-ment, Monsieur Earl - ztand up - be ze per-son you really vant to be!

8-10

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AGENT Y
But, but..
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(Pauses)
.. but, youre right, Henri!
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(To Mr. Z)
Im Earl! - I dont take orders from any aliens, Mr. Z! - and you must be an alien, with
those bat wings, space cape, and that hooked beak..
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(Snaps a picture of him)
.. got it! - just the way our readers like em - well splash you all over the cover of Saucer
Weekly - with the headline: Strange alien bird spotted on tuna dock! - this could go
national!
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MR. Z
But, but, Im not an alien - Im The Hawk! - oh, doesnt anyone remember me?
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AGENT Y
Theyll remember your ugly alien face, thats for sure!
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MR. Z!!
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But, if you two arent going to work for me - what will you do?

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AGENT X
Ve villl rent ze house-boat on ze Seine - I villl paint ze pictures on ze deck, und Earl vill
watch ze skies for ze ali-ens, camer-a at ze ready!
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The Seine?

MR. Z

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AGENT X! !
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In gay Pa-ree! - we vill an-chor un-der ze gar-goyles of Notre Dame - come, Monsieur
Earl - let us throw off ze chains - become men! - zoon ve vill be zip-ping cappuccinos at
ze famoss Les Deux Magots - vatching ze madamoiselles ztroll by!
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AGENT Y
Lets go find those aliens!
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Ve are ze aliens!

AGENT X

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We are?

AGENT Y!

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Oui!
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AGENT X

8-11

(AGENTS X and Y EXIT - Mr. Z stands alone)

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MR. Z!
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(To himself)! !
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This wasnt how Operation Sea Dog was supposed to end - I was supposed to become
famous again - as The Hawk! - now, Im alone, all alone, without any secret agents - Im
nobodys hero, and nobody knows who I am...
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(MR. Z sits down on a piling alone, his wings
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drooping, a pause - ENTER McCHESNEY)
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McCHESNEY
Mr. Z - Ive been looking all over for you!
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Its The Hawk, dammit - The Hawk!

MR. Z

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McCHESNEY
Perfect name! - because I want to market you!
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Market poor old Mr. Z?

MR. Z

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McCHESNEY!
No, market The Hawk - as a one-man show!
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As a circus act?

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No, as a theater show!

MR. Z

McCHESNEY

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MR. Z!
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(Pauses)!
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You mean.. Broadway?
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(Slowly rising to his feet, spreading his wings)
Yes, The Hawk - soon to be a big star - on Broadway!
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Well, at first, Off-Broadway..!
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Off-Broadway?

McCHESNEY

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MR.Z

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Off, Off-Broadway - way Off..

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McCHESNEY!

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8-12

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MR.Z
But Ill have my name up in lights?
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(Striking a pose)
Now playing.. Mr. Z as.. The Hawk!!
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McCHESNEY!
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And Ill be your new agent! - for only forty per cent, Ill develop your act! - come on - Ive
rented a space - were going to have our first rehearsal!
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MR. Z
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(Soaring around)
The Hawk! - Broadway-bound! - represented by his newest agent - Agent M!
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MCCHESNEY
Broadway is calling!
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MR. Z
The Hawk shall soar over the bright lights of Broadway - here I come! - skree-ahhhh!
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(EXIT MR. Z, soaring grandly)
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McCHESNEY
And forty per cent - here I come! - skree-ahhhh!
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(EXIT McCHESNEY, soaring grandly - ENTER
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FRANK as a !porpoise)
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FRANK
Where did everyone go? - Im all alone, now - oh, how I need to find my pod!
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(ENTER MARTY)
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MARTY
Skippy, my love - there you are! - Ive made up my mind - lets look for that apartment!
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FRANK!
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(Pauses)
Hold on, Marty.. as you know, Im very fond of you - however, this is most frustrating - as
you see, I have flippers instead of feet, and fins for hands - my nose is huge and
bulbous, and I have a beak for a mouth - only my eyes look human - I dont know if Im
ever going to live on land - frankly, I dont know if I could stay up that long - and I feel
very at home in the water - Ive been thinking, Marty - I can never be human and you
can never be a porpoise - I mean, Doctor Krellmans clever and all - but he tried
plugging his coffeepot into his laptop, and the computer nearly brewed itself to death looks like youre destined to remain as you, and Im destined to remain as me - thats

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8-13
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FRANK (Cont.)
the way its fated, babe - so, tell me now, do you want to continue our relationship? maybe you should stay with Frank - he seems like such a good man - just
misunderstood - humble, but secretly brilliant - wouldnt you rather be with Frank?
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MARTY
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(Pauses)!
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Well.. its hard for a girl to know what to do!
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(Pauses)
But, youre right, Skippy - if youre forcing me to choose...
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(Pauses)
I think you are a most interesting mammal, Skippy - but.. Im sorry - I just cant swim off
with you - Id miss Frank too much - with his big old flippers, his goofy face mask, and
his.. snork - Frank loves me, I know he does - and though our marriage isnt perfect, we
are two of a kind - human misfits who have trouble making eye contact - and so, I must
say goodbye, Skippy - if you jump into the sea now, you can catch up with Fritta - shed
be right for you - you two can frolic and chirp in the sea - while Frank and I will converse
through bathwater - and so goodbye - Ill always remember you - but.. could I just kiss
that bulb on your head, before we part?
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(Goes up to him - he hesitates)
Bend down, Skippy..
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FRANK
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(Pauses)
I cant do that, Marty.. you see...
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(Pauses)
.. Im not Skippy - Skippys already left for the open sea, chasing after Fritta - Im Frank your husband! - cant you tell? - Doctor Krellmans cloning experiment worked - Im now
a porpoise!
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MARTY
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(Pausing, looking up at him)
A.. porpoise? - but, but, Frank.. you cant be a porpoise! - I need a human mate - I cant
live with a porpoise - my carpets will always be wet!
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FRANK
But.. I did it for you, Marty - I thought you liked porpoises - you liked Skippy!
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MARTY !
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Not as my soul mate - I see that, now!
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FRANK!
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But Im stuck as a porpoise! - whatll we do?
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8-14
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MARTY
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(Hugging him, looking into his porpoise eyes)
Oh, well just muddle through, dear - like we always have..
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FRANK
You mean, youll accept me as a porpoise? - Im getting all choked up - watch out! bubbles are about to shoot from my nose - I dont know what to say..
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MARTY
Dont say anything, Frank - just squeak a few sweet porpoise nothings into my ear..
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(Frank pauses, looks into her eyes, then
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croons into her ear as a porpoise)
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MARTY
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(Breathlessly)
Oh, Frank.. a swim? - and then, and then.. really?
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(They slowly embrace as the LIGHTS DIM)
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CURTAIN! !
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The Concluding Scene:

Mr. Z appears as The Hawk - he tries to be a hero, but fails - Operation Sea Dog is a
disaster - Agent X goes off to live the life of an artiste - Agent Y quits the government
and goes off to snap pictures of aliens - or Mr. Z succeeds at Operation Sea Dog and
decides to quit the government and live his life out as The Hawk, a hero - Frank and
Marty stay together as man and wife and leaders of POMP and CWAP - or Frank and
Marty live out their lives as porpoise and wife - Doctor Krellman decides to adopt F Skippy jumps into the sea, in a search for Fritta...

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