Leaving, Staying, and Becoming Well Following

a Lose/Leave Conflict in a Congregation

A Travel Free Learning Article
May 17, 2010 Edition

By
George Bullard
Ministry Partner with The Columbia Partnership
Voice: 803.622.0923, E-mail: GBullard@TheColumbiaPartnership.org
Web Site: www.TheColumbiaPartnership.org

A major conflict situation has just occurred in your congregation. You are upset. It is impacting your
spiritual and emotional well being. It is having a negative effect on your family. What do you do? Do you
stay? Do you leave?

The most crucial time for congregations is the six to 18 months following a lose/leave incident. This is an
incident when some people lose and some people leave. It often involves voting, or the legislative
process of the congregation or its board. It is known as an intensity five conflict situation in my book
Every Congregation Needs a Little Conflict. Seven intensities of conflict exist. As bad as it is, it could
be worse; although on some days that is hard to believe.

This article deals with a specific type of lose/leave incident. This is when a senior or solo pastor is
terminated by direct or indirect action. At one time a survey was conducted that showed that 80 percent of
all senior or solo pastor terminations happened without a vote of the congregation or board. The pastor
reaches a place where he or she cannot go on in this ministry setting, or the authority system of the
denomination removes the pastor. Numerous other scenarios exist for which the insights in this article
may apply.

At intensity five conflict, when a lose/leave incident occurs, the illusion of winning is more important that
the health of the congregation. At intensity four conflict or lower the health of the congregation is more
important than the felt need to win. The only problem is there are no winners following an intensity five
conflict event. Some people lose and some people leave. No one wins.

Often the people who forced an intensity five event will deny they were trying to win. They also have
misunderstandings about other activities in which they have engaged or attitudes they have held. In many
cases they are myopic concerning the fact that their opposition to the person or role of the current pastor
is causing them to engage in and justify lose/leave actions. They falsely believe they are saving the
church, when in fact they are further wounding the church. As of result, in the mid-term to long-term they
lose.

The people who wanted to halt the escalation of the conflict engagement and actively participate in
mediation were willing to engage the conflict at intensity four, but did not want to go on to intensity five.
For them the health of the congregation was more important than escalating the conflict. They have
trouble understanding why people would want to continue fighting. Regardless who is as fault, is this not
enough? Sadly it is their willingness to look beyond the current conflict to a renewed and reconciled
congregation that shows weakness that is exploited by those who desire to continue the fight. As a result
in the mid-term to long-term they leave.

Once a lose/leave incident occurs it cannot be taken back. It has happened. The damage has been done.
Some people have lost. Some people will leave. In reality, people from various perspectives on the
conflict have been leaving ever since the conflict reached intensity four. Now more people, especially
from one perspective, start to leave out of despair. They had been hanging on hoping for mediation to
work and reconciliation to break through

Specifically, the people who have continued to support the pastor now leave if the pastor leaves. People
who have opposed the pastor tend to stay. By the way, the opposite can also occur. If the legislative

May 17, 2010 Edition 1 Copyright 2010, Rev. George Bullard, D.Min.
process of the congregation affirms the pastor, those who oppose the pastor may leave, and those who
supported the pastor may lose; again because there are no winners.

Regardless of how this situation transpires in your congregation, people must learn how to leave well or
stay well. In addition, everyone must eventually focus on being well. How do you do that? No exact
formula or checklist exists. However, here are some things that could be addressed. What would you
affirm, challenge, change, or add to these suggestions?

Leaving Well

Once you have decided to leave a congregation as a result of unhealthy conflict, how do you leave well?
Here are ten suggestions. [Note: Some are substantially the same as those mentioned in the Staying Well
section, as same or similar processes are needed for all people.]

1. Take no parting shots. Leaving well involves taking actions that reflect decency and order. This is
your opportunity to be an example of Christian civility. Take care of responsibilities for which you
are accountable to your congregation. Be sure someone has the appropriate information they
need as to projects and processes in which you are engaged so that the remaining congregation
can pick up those responsibilities if they so choose.

2. Seek to understand the emotional and spiritual impact leaving is having on you. It is a situation of
grief, and you must allow yourself to process your grief. One now classic set of grief stages
popularized by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross involve denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and
acceptance.

3. Enter a season of transition from the old to the new. Organizational theorist Kurt Lewin’s model
was unfreezing, transition/change movement, and refreezing. Some years later William Bridges
talked about this as ending or letting go, the neutral zone, and new beginnings. Whatever words
work for you, realize that for a while you will be leaving, then you move forward, and finally you
will arrive at a new place and understanding.

4. Take care of your family. Unless you are a single person household, you may have other persons
in your family or household looking to you for leadership. If you are involved in mediating the
conflict before the lose/leave event they will inevitably be drawn into the conflict. They need and
deserve care and reassurance about church and Christ.

5. Engage in self-examination as to what you could have done differently, and where you may
actually be at fault. By the time conflict approaches an intensity five all of the active congregation
is involved in some way. Everyone has an opportunity to contribute to healing and reconciliation
through prayers, loving words and relationships, and acts of kindness that contribute to healing
and reconciliation. How did you do in the build up to the lose/leave engagement? What could you
have done different? What did you learn from this experience that you can apply if you ever
encounter this situation again?

6. Following self-examination, where you find you may actually have been at fault, accept
responsibility and seek forgiveness from God and, as appropriate, specific people you may have
wounded. If you truly repent then forgiveness from God is a slam dunk. Realize that forgiveness
from specific people may not come immediately or easily.

7. Seek to distinguish a relationship within a congregation from a relationship to the triune God.
Congregations often fail us. God never fails. God is always good and loving. Congregations are
as much human institutions as they are Christ-centered, faith-based communities. As such, they
can do violence to one another.

8. Be generous in leaving. One tendency when you have decided to leave is to cut off your financial
contributions to the congregation you are leaving. That may not always be wise and loving. The

May 17, 2010 Edition 2 Copyright 2010, Rev. George Bullard, D.Min.
 congregation may have increased financial obligations for a short period and less income to cover
them. You have invested in this congregation. It is important in leaving well to satisfy any financial
obligations you may have to the congregation, and even to be generous beyond what would
seem required.

9. Seek a new relationship with a Christ-centered, faith-based community quickly. However, do not
take into other congregation agendas from your former congregation. Do not get involved in
leadership roles in the new congregation until you are ready to talk about going forward, rather
than what you did not like about the former congregation.

10. At times people who leave band together to form a new congregation. Do this only if there is a
clear vision for a new congregation and the things it can contribute to God’s kingdom. Too often
new congregations focus on not being like the former congregation, and never develop a clear
and deep sense of spiritual strategic journey. Such congregations may experience arrested
development six to ten years into their existence. When this happens they may revert back to old
patterns and becoming like the congregation they left.

Staying Well

Once you have decided to stay with a congregation following an unhealthy conflict situation, how do you
stay well? Here are ten suggestions. [Note: Some are substantially the same as those mentioned in the
Leaving Well section, as same or similar processes are needed for all people.]

1. Realize that the healthy future of your congregation may depend on what you do over the next six
to 18 months. Will you figure out possible dysfunctional patterns, or will you be doomed as a
congregation to be a repeat offender?

2. Study and apply the 22 ways to never experience unhealthy conflict again in your congregation.
This is the basis of chapter 11 of Every Congregation Needs a Little Conflict. More details on
these are also available in a 29 page collection of writings available from The Columbia
Partnership at www.TheColumbiaPartnership.org or www.BullardJournal.org.

3. Take no pushing shots. Staying well involves taking actions that reflect decency and order. This is
your opportunity to be an example of Christian civility. Allow people to separate from the
congregation without making accusations as they leave. Seek an orderly transition of
responsibilities and accountabilities. Be sure someone has the appropriate information they need
as to projects and processes in which people leaving are engaged so that the remaining
congregation can pick up those responsibilities, if you so choose. Formal exit interviews may be
appropriate.

4. Seek to understand the emotional and spiritual impact staying is having on you. It is a situation of
grief, and you must allow yourself to process your grief. One now classic set of grief stages
popularized by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross involve denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and
acceptance.

5. Enter a season of transition from the old to the new. Organizational theorist Kurt Lewin’s model
was unfreezing, transition/change movement, and refreezing. Some years later William Bridges
talked about this as ending or letting go, the neutral zone, and new beginnings. Whatever words
work for you, realize that for a while you will be staying, then will move forward, and finally you
will arrive at a new place and understanding of how to minister in and through this congregation.

6. Take care of your family. Unless you are a single person household, you may have other persons
in your family or household looking to you for leadership. If you are involved in mediating the
conflict before the lose/leave event they will inevitably be drawn into the conflict. They need and
deserve care and reassurance about church and Christ.

May 17, 2010 Edition 3 Copyright 2010, Rev. George Bullard, D.Min.
 7. Engage in self-examination as to what you could have done differently, and where you may
actually be at fault. By the time conflict approaches an intensity five all of the active congregation
is involved in some way. Everyone has an opportunity to contribute to healing and reconciliation
through prayers, loving words and relationships, and acts of kindness that contribute to healing
and reconciliation. How did you do in the build up to the lose/leave engagement? What could you
have done different? What did you learn from this experience that you can apply if you ever
encounter this situation again?

8. Following self-examination, where you find you may actually have been at fault, accept
responsibility and seek forgiveness from God and, as appropriate, specific people you may have
wounded. If you truly repent then forgiveness from God is a slam dunk. Realize that forgiveness
from specific people may not come immediately or easily.

9. Be generous in financial severance. It is possible that finances will be extremely tight in your
congregation when people start leaving. Even so, it is very important for your congregation to be
as generous as possible in the severance it offers to the senior or solo pastor, and any other staff
persons who leave. This can be the first step in a new round of healing and reconciliation. To not
be generous may exhibit a spirit of unresolved anger that will not be healthy for the next stage of
the congregation’s life.

10. Do not continue escalating the conflict. Enough is enough. The next intensity of conflict is to
pursue people beyond the congregation. Allow people to leave well. You will need all the energy
you have to focus on healing and reconciliation. To move on to intensity six may show
psychological dysfunction in individuals and the congregation as an emotional system. A related
idea is to not change congregational documents, position descriptions, and procedures based on
what you did not like about the pastor and others who leave the congregation. Any changes
should be based on a healthy going forward as a congregation.

Becoming Well

Having been significantly impacted by conflict in your church, how do you become well?

Everyone needs to become spiritually and emotionally well. People who leave and people who stay need
to become well. My observation is that people who leave are often well before people who stay. The
reason is that people who stay remain in denial longer that they did anything to contribute to the
lose/leave situation for which they need to repent and seek forgiveness. People who leave move into new
life-giving patterns quicker and realize their own need to repent and seek forgiveness.

The bottom line is that it takes a while to become well. Time heals some. New healthy patterns of
congregational life help some. Personal spiritual and emotional growth helps a lot. New insights into our
own shortcomings provide opportunities for growth. The power of others around us to bless us in our
journey assists our wellness. The unconditional love of God that helps us bring forth reconciliation from
the inside out helps a bunch. In fact, it may be the ultimate healing experience.

At times closure or renewal of relationships with people previously together in the same congregation can
be achieved. Some congregations have even publicly reconciled some years later. This will have to come
when people are ready. It cannot be rushed.

Important Things to Know

George Bullard is a Ministry Partner and the Strategic Coordinator with The Columbia Partnership. He is also General
Secretary [executive director] of the North American Baptist Fellowship of the Baptist World Alliance. The Columbia
Partnership is a non-profit Christian ministry organization focused on transforming the capacity of the North American
Church to pursue and sustain Christ-centered ministry. Travel Free Learning is a leadership development emphasis.
For more information about products and services check out the web site at www.TheColumbiaPartnership.org, send
an e-mail to Client.Care@TheColumbiaPartnership.org, or call 803.622.0923.

May 17, 2010 Edition 4 Copyright 2010, Rev. George Bullard, D.Min.