I cant do this. This is too much for me.

I hate everything about school. To the point where I even love death than waking up, dreading the feelings
of every single day going to the place filled with nothing but misery. The only reason why I didnt choose
death even if I wanted to, was because death loathed me.
So why do I have to act like nothing happened to me and just strolled happily to school? Why do I have to
experience these nightmares that would never end?

I stared into the thin air in front of me and suddenly everything started to turn pale; the surrounding, the
people and even myself. Every time this happens my eyesight will become partially-blinded, where in
front of me I can only see a dark, endless foggy surrounding. The noises of humans have subsided,
creating an illusionary space filled with eerie silence. Its not like this has never happen before; so I tried
to breathe calmly and control my mind. But as soon as I tried to calm down, my panic attack kicked in. I
gasped harshly for more air, which causes a sharp needle-like pain in my lungs.
As it became harder to breath, I had no choice but to press my left wrist, hard. The place where I usually
cut myself is the only treatment in this situation. I twitched as the stinging pain gradually took over my
body and at the same time calmed my breathing pattern and slowly returned me back to reality.

"Wailee?"
My mind snapped upon hearing a rough unfamiliar voice.
Hello? You there?
The pale, grayish environment suddenly shrunk and vanished. I blinked my eyes a couple of times but
could only see a normal classroom filled with students chatting to one another. I slowly turned my head
towards the owner of the voice. It was a guy with a mop of messed black hair, but who was it? And since
when was he here?
As if reading my mind, the guy right beside me immediately flashed a smile and introduced himself. Hi,
Im Joe... And I sit at the first row from left at the front He pointed towards his seat which is located near
the window. After a quick glance of the classroom and his desk, I nodded in silence. He then looked
expectantly at me, as if waiting something in return. What does he wants with me?

I clenched my wrist in defense. Did he saw what I'm doing just now? He couldnt, could he?
Erm, so since you just transferred here, I was told by the teachers to take you on a tour around the
school
Tour..? School..?
Oh
I just transferred here this morning. That explained why I have these urge to vomit and cry at the same
time.
I looked back at the said boy, questioning his actions. Surely, he must have ulterior motives. Whether he
was just plainly using me, or he wanted something out of me. But instead, I only earned an honest smile
as he pulled an empty chair and sat next to me.
So, are you really okay? You look kind of pale.. Joe asked, worry clearly etched on his face. I nodded
again as I plastered a fake, weak smile on my face a habit that I used to do to prevent others from
pitying me. The latter sighed in relief, falling completely for my act.
ErmSince you dont have anyone to have lunch with, why not have a lunch with me? You could do some
introductions to my friends also... He continued cheerfully as if he had gotten a Christmas present and
clasped his hands together. This idea of his might seem good for him, but I dont feel like meeting these
friends of his, and I wanted just some time alone to get adjusted to my new environment. So, I declined
his offer kindly with a head-shake. He looked at me weirdly, as if saying 'who would not want to meet new
friends?', but I just couldn't care about such stupid things.
He even tried to persuade me when the lunch bell rang and tried to drag me towards the cafeteria, which
is one of the places that I hated the most in my life. Its not like I hate food, but whenever its a place for
people to meet up, I despise it. And Id grow hating those sorts of places since childhood, since this illness
of mine started to form within me.
Just Go away. I dont need you to care for me I muttered in slight annoyance and shifted my eyes to
the classrooms windows.
Well, I cant. Because I am responsible for getting you used to this school environment He rubbed the
back of his head.
And it wont do you any harm in getting new friends, would it?
As he forcefully pulled me around by my left wrist, I gritted my teeth as the pain surged quickly
throughout my body like strong venom. Its the pain that I had accustomed to years, yet still hurts to this

day. However, Joe didn't seemed to notice my hurt face as he was busy dragging me around, and I don't
feel like telling him. When we arrived at the cafeteria, Joe immediately loosened the grip on my wrist a
little, but enough for the pain to reduce gradually. The black-haired male waved and shouted to someone
or specifically, a group of students. When he happily greeted his friends from afar, I could felt the eyes
of the crowd that were boring a hole inside me, as if judging my whole existence. As I couldnt look up to
fight off those stares, I just dropped my head low and glanced between my now a bit swollen wrist and the
cold marble floor. Joe also kept pushing me from behind and I dont understand why he did this. I dont
want to be a crowd-pleaser, and I dont intend on making new friends. Im fine by myself, as long as I
could wear my mask carefully until I die. I dont need anything at all in my life. Myself is sufficient
enough.
When he stopped pushing and I came to a halt, I heard the chattering and laugh from the group of student
before slowly died down. I glanced up, and examined them one by one. There were only three guys, but
their voices were so loud that it is almost deafening. One of them started to speak as soon as he saw me.
Who is this guy, Joe? I never saw him before A low, deep voice came out. He had this honey-colored
hair and taller in terms of body built. His name tag were written as 'Meir'.
Ah, I knew him! Hes the new kid that was in your class right? Another voice chirped in and interrupted.
This time its a female. She had a jet black hair, almost the same as Joe, but she wore this constant playful
smirk as opposed to Joes honest grin. Again, I glanced over her name tag which were written in black
font: 'Fie'. The other male with dark brown hair that just observed me from head to toe had the name tag
as 'Quese'.
Joe smiled. Yep, and Im taking her around the school after lunch. You guys wont mind right if she has
lunch with us?
The other three exchanged glances among themselves and shook their head. Nope, not at all
Okay then! Wailee, you may sit next to Fie. Joe pointed his finger towards an empty space beside the
mentioned female, who had fixated her gaze on me in a weirdly familiar way. I stared at the seat, not
wanting to sit at a place where people could judge me openly while the students kept shooting daggers at
me, followed by some comments that Id rather not hear about it. I felt that they were all making fun of
me. So, I flashed my signature fake smile and said 'I had stuff to do' before I went off towards the
bathroom.

----------

Is she okay? She looked deathly pale. Quese opened his mouth. The rest of the group just shrugged in
silence as they watched Wailee scurried away.
Joe sighed in disappointment as he munched on his early-bought sandwich. Shes been like that since she
came to this school. And whats with that painful smile earlier? I thought she was simply lonely. But that
doesnt seem to be the case?
Maybe because she missed her old friends? Fie questioned as she played with her black hair. She then
blew her hair in a bored manner. Or maybe she just need time to adjust to the new surrounding? I mean,
everyone would be 'culture shocked' to move in and out from three different schools in matter of days
Joe, Quese and Mier immediately stared at Fie in unison, who just in turn whistled playfully.
Really? I dont know about that!
Me too!
And me three!
Fie smirked before began talking. Well, you all know how I have connection with the principal." The
three of them nodded as a sign of acknowledgement. "So, one way or another, I could know every
confidential details regarding to new transfer student...Including all of you She pointed to each one of
them, and burst into laughter when there were different and mixed emotions on each of their face.
Why dont you tell us sooner? I felt like a wife being cheated Mier said in mocked anger, feeling a bit of
disappointment in his friend for not telling the truth earlier.
Well, if I had told it earlier, would you guys befriend me? No.... right? Because I knew every damn thing
about everyone. So I kept to myself The black-haired female continued before sipping her iced tea.
Then, why did she move here when it has just been a few days after settling in another school? Joe asked
worriedly. It seemed like Wailee tried to hide something from him, and although he knew the girl only
since one week ago, he felt some kind of growing attachment towards her; perhaps because of her aloof
and mysterious side. Did something bad happen to her? Or is it the other way around?
Oh, that information is really, really confidential and private. Unless under her consent; I cant tell you
anything. If I do, it means breaking the rules. Fie said sternly before releasing a soft sigh. She quietly
mumbled afterwards, which the other three could not manage to understand the rest of the words.

And she even may have to change school again because of me

-----------

I was on my way to the bathroom

...Well, not really.
Since it was my first day here, I was not yet told the directions to the bathroom. So of course I
wouldn't know where the bathroom is. Instead, I head back towards the classroom as fast as I could.
It's the only place that will be empty during lunch hours. The type of place where I could find my
peace. But when I arrived, the door was completely shut. I was about to twist the knob when I heard
a loud crashing sound. Few cursed words followed after, with furious remarks and beating sound
that sent shivers down my spine.
I was shocked, scared and afraid as I stood there, frozen in my spot. The hazy memories from before
slowly came to me and became vivid as I saw myself in the past.
What if....
What if.....
Wha- THUD
My past memories vanished as I turned to my left collided shoulder, which was brushed harshly
against a smirking Chinese guy. The classroom door was wide open and I watched as the guy came
out of the classroom and went down the hallway with a smug, triumphant look that disgust me. As I
turned my glance back towards the almost empty classroom, I saw a boy lying on the floor with black
fringe that clouded his eyes, half-beaten with a bleeding arm (I wasn't shock at all because that is
what I see from my past everyday life). He looked exhausted but somehow managed to sit up. And as
soon as he saw me, he seemed shocked and terrified for a while. The shocked look soon fade as he
pointed his finger towards me, as if beckoning me to come closer. I was surprised and unsure of what
to do. Nonetheless, my mind seemed to take control of me as I walked closer.
When I finally managed to reached him (and prevent myself from the attempted urge to run away
somewhere else), I crouched and stared at the said male. He moved up his head and forced a smile,
covering behind a terrible pain. And it was as if I saw myself behind those innocent eyes. How I
always tried to act tough and flashed a smile that seemed too unbearable for even myself.
He suddenly mouthed some words that I can barely understand. Something like.....

'Help me....?'
My eyes stared at the boy questioningly. What did he meant by 'help me'?
I scanned his shirt for any name tag, but I found nothing. Instead, the said tag was found in his
unclenched left palm. I motioned the boy for his tag and he picked it up using his right hand, turning
the name side as he hold it directly in front of my eyes. The tag almost fade in colour but I can read
his name well enough. 'Kyungsoo'; was what written there.
Kyungsoo dropped the name tag before poking my hand, directing my gaze onto his bleeding hand.
Luckily the wound wasn't that deep, and the blood stopped flowing since seconds ago.
"Did he do this?" Was all I could muttered as I fixated my gaze onto the cut-like wound that seemed
all too familiar; it looked almost exactly like the intentional cut on my wrist. He doesn't reply right
away and later shook his head slowly. I could see that his mask almost shattered to pieces as he
dropped his head, almost on the verge of tears. At that moment, somehow I understand his feelings:
ashamed, hurt and depressed, mainly because a stranger just walked in and found you in the most
horrible state. I couldn't bear to ask any further question as I searched through my pocket for
something to wrap the wound with.
I fished out a clean, deep red small handkerchief that I used to use to remove all the blood on me,
and wipe his bloody cut. A few drops of his blood stained on his white shirt but he didn't seemed to
care. He winced when I tried to wrap the handkerchief tightly on his dried, clotted wound.
"Bear with it" I whispered softly to him. How irony, I said to myself. Really irony.
Right when I finished wrapping his wound, the school bell rung, and I cursed as silently as I could.
Students will came pouring in and surely the poor boy wouldn't like to be seen as he is. I was about to
help him stand up but he immediately shot up as soon as the bell rang and made a dash towards the
hallway, while still somehow managed to glance back one more time at me before walking away.
For the first time that day, I sighed in relief and regret at the same time. I was glad that he could walk
perfectly fine, but what was I thinking by helping him? I even lent out my favorite handkerchief
purposely.
I stood up, walked towards my wooden desk, pulled the chair and sat solemnly. I gazed at the
landscape outside; the blue sky seemed to lost all of its cheerful blue color and the faded green grass
appeared too distasteful for my eyes. As I delved into the grayish environment, I didn't realize that
students started to enter the classroom and someone suddenly tapped onto my shoulder. Instantly, I
snapped from my dream-like trance and turned my head carefully, locking gaze with the same
concerned pair of eyes from the similar guy since this morning.
I rotated my head back to where it was - the window, when I realized it was none other than Joe.
"What about 'tour'? I promised the teachers to take you around" He pouted when he saw me ignoring
him. He tried to pull me again from my seat, but I insist on not moving from my spot. After a few
minutes of trying, he finally gave up and handed me a brochure that contained the map of the school.
Why do he need to show me around when this stuff existed?
"Don't give me that look. I just wanted to get to know you. That's all..." Joe said dejectedly before
strolling towards his seat. I picked up the brochure that he left on my desk and observed it. Part of
me felt guilty for being unresponsive while the other part of me just didn't care. I sighed as I

examined the map in detail; it shows the way to the male bathroom, library, labs, other rooms and
rooftop.
Instantly, my eyes flickered at the mentioned of rooftop.
Oh, so they do have a rooftop here? How nice!
I took out a red pen from my pencil case, uncapped it and circled the word 'rooftop' five times until
the wet, red ink sank into the paper; permanently.

Class ended after 3 hours of sitting that made my legs numb to the bone. I didn't even realized when
class ended if not because of Joe pestering me, again. I really don't understand that mind of his. Why
is he so persistent anyway?
I gave a look of I-don't-trust-you and flashed the brochure that he gave me earlier at him. He
flinched for a bit before ruffling his black hair in slight annoyance and opened his mouth. "Look, I
did gave you that brochure and I don't need to show you around. But you need to know some of the
students here, or you will be lonely forever... I wouldn't want that"

I looked at him as an expression of pure confusion flashed across my face. 'I wouldn't want that'?
What does it mean? Does he cares about me? We just met this morning and there's no reason for him
to be worried about me.

I don't understand him. At all.

A shallow sigh escaped his lips as soon as he saw my bewildered face on the last sentence. " Yes, I do
care about you. Don't ask me why. So now, let's go and meet some new people instead of you holing
yourself in your own world"
This time, he pulled me really hard that I almost stumble down the chair, if only I didn't hold onto
the desk earlier. And since when did he realized that I was in my own world? My heart thumped a
little.
Is there really someone in this whole world that cares about me?

"Come on, Lulu. Why are you taking so long? Everyone's already gone..." A dark-haired guy popped
his head inside the classroom, with playful grin plastered firmly on his face. What was his name
again? Oh, that Lay. He then retracted his head and stood outside of the classroom with his back
against the door, patiently waiting for Joe to come out.
"What? Really? I didn't realize everyone had already gone... Then, I will introduce them tomorrow,
okay Wailee? " Joe grinned before quickly ran to his table to organize his messy stuff and cramped all
of it inside his bag. Right after he finished packing, he caught me staring blankly at him and pointed
his index finger towards my bag. It was as if he was asking : 'Aren't you going back home?'.
Upon imagining the word 'home', my face immediately frown by itself and sadness slowly seeped in.
I turned my head towards the glass window and shook my head slowly, trying my best to hold in my
tears. I don't want to go back there, not right now. Not to a place that is like a hell to me.
Everything there is just a mess. A freaking mess. And I don't want to even think about it.
I heard a 'why' from the distance but I just remained quiet, unsure of what to answer to him. I'm sick
of answering the same thing to everyone that asked and in the end they didn't even help me; they just
left.
Left me to rot by my own.
I rotated my head towards the front and quickly realized that he was in front of me, with a sorrowful
look on his face. He might have sensed something from me, but I just stared lifelessly, as if nothing
bothers me at all. He crouched in front of my desk, smiled regrettably and said something that my
past self had desperately longed to hear from someone.

"If you have any trouble, I can lend my shoulders for you to cry on"

Hearing his honest words, my heart clenched and the lump in my throat became bigger. I couldn't
formed any coherent words as my tears unknowingly slipped without I realizing. It was the first time
I heard it from a guy like him.
But why now?

Why..?

It was already too late. I'm too broken to be fixed. Why didn't someone said that sooner? They all just
left, when all I need was a few words to heal the wound on my heart.
Why?
I wiped my tears away with the back of my hands, but it just wouldn't stop flowing. Few drops of
tears soon turned into a small sob of grieve and sorrow as his words played countlessly inside my
mind.
Why now? Why would someone said that now, when I had already gave up? Why would everyone
torment me like this? All this while I've been trying to search for that 'someone', to let my tears out
until nothing is left, but I just can't find it. My feelings were already died by the time I gave up.
Why only now, and why him?
I wept and wept, thinking why didn't someone like him crossed my way sooner and save me earlier,
when I was longing for somebody to be my strength.
Why?

Why?

And suddenly, warmth embraced me.

A warmth that was unfamiliar yet comforting.
I wiped my blurry eyes and was surprised when I found myself in his arms. My sobbing quickly
quieted down as he rubbed soothing circles behind my back.
"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay....I'm here for you..

...and I will always be there for you"

--------

Lay and Joe were on the way back home by walking, and Lay couldn't help but to notice the small
smile on the latter's lip.
"So, is he okay?" Lay asked as he fiddled with his hair. The other glanced at him and gave a satisfied
smile in return.
"I think so, but I do made a huge progress in becoming his friend, don't you think?"
Lay pondered for a while before agreeing. "Maybe. He was sobbing his heart out, so I think he trust
you a bit now"
"Yep yep. And I was glad that he tried to open his heart to me. But still, I'm really curious what
happened to his family. He seemed distressed...."
Hearing that, Lay just clicked his tongue and cheekily grinned. "Not gonna tell you~"
Joe clasped his hands in mocked disappointment. "Awwww, but never mind. I will wait for him to
tell his stories later. Spoilers are just not exciting"

----------

I just came back from the school and at the front of my 'home'. I wonder if I should step inside,
knowing full well that the same thing would not stop occurring, again. From the yard outside, I could
hear the noise of someone bickering; the pitch of the sound prickling to my ears. Weird screeching
noise followed after, but I don't want to even hear about it and decided that going somewhere for a
while is better than watching they lashed on each other.

The park nearby, was where I always sat and thought about everything. It wasn't that big and filled
with people, but somehow I could find my peace there. After midnight, I would always escape from
'home', wept until my tears dried off completely even before cutting came into my life. This act of
comforting myself occurred from once a week to everyday that finally I found a great affection
towards it.

As always, I found the place and sat behind it: a small wooden gazebo that rarely had any visitors due
to its unstable and almost collapsing structure. Although not perfect, I fell in love with the solitude
and peacefulness. How could I not, when I would need some time and space alone to cry to my heart
content?

I dusted the ground and crouched behind the said structure. The air was filled with loneliness and
rust, but that was much better than staying at home. A cat suddenly passed by and I stared at its
beautifully grown tortoise shell coat. The cat's blue round eyes returned my stare with a solemn look,
as if the cat was saying: 'Aren't you going back home, again?'

Unconsciously, I glared at the cat and it just didn't care before walking off proudly. As the cat strolled
away, I hugged my knees, shivering. I thought about the row between my parents, the cry of my
sister, the disastrous bullying in the previous school, the intentional wound on my wrist....

Everything up until now.

Suddenly the image of what might happened swarm in, flooding my mind with vicious cycle of
horrible thoughts of the future.

'Your family is disgusting.... and you have the same blood running in your vein'

'A wreck, is what his family is'

'Stay away, you wouldn't want to contract his illness'

'He's insane..'

The images were too vivid, as clear as day, as if I had to experience it all over again.

The slight throb in my head quickly turned into a dizzying pain. I clutched my head in terrible
headache as cold sweat formed on my forehead, not realizing that I had dug my nails into my scalp.
The pain was too overwhelming.

I tried to shut my eyes tightly, but the pain doesn't go away. I quickly snatched my bag pack, placed
my hand inside and searched for the painkillers.

....But it was not there.

The place that I used to put it was empty and filled with air. Panic seeped in as I turned the bag
upside down, throwing all the school stuff onto the dirty ground. The stuff that fall only consists
of stationary, a book and a small utility knife.

Then I remembered that I had left the pills at home, but I didn't want to take even one step inside
that building right now. Even if I had to bear the pain, I had rather sat at the park and held on until
the pain reduced. I had rather do that.

However, the pain continued on as my thoughts repeated, every single image have been continuously
reregistered into a single loop of past memories.

'Your family is disgusting.... and you have the same blood running in your vein'

'A wreck, is what his family is'

'Stay away, you wouldn't want to contract his illness'

'He's insane..'

'...stop.'

'Please stop!' I screamed into my mind, but against my command, the sub-concious mind
continued repeating the same thing, at an even faster pace.

My brain felt like it was about to smashed into pieces, the pain was too unbearable for me to take
that I unconciously stretched my hand on the ground and it accidentally hit something. I weakly
opened my eyes and stared at the item.

...a stationary knife.

I grabbed the knife and weakly slide it, revealing the sharp blade with blood stained on it.

Should I do it?

The train of thoughts wouldn't stop, and that causes greater headache. I weakly glanced between the
knife and my wrist.

There's no other choice.

I carefully placed the cold blade on my countless scar, pressing the metal slightly to make an indent
into my wrist. Slightly trembling upon the contact, I pushed it further and the skin split, forming a
small wound with blood streaming down from the wrist.

But it wasn't enough. The pain wasn't enough to overcome my memories.

I need more...

I positioned the blade again and cut deeper, allowing more blood to flow freely as I watched the red
warm liquid drizzled down my wrist. The rusty smell of blood quickly filled in the air, masking the
smell of loneliness and desperation.

The headache slowly lessened into a slow pulse of pain as I managed to calm down. Whilst the cut
managed to made me distinguished between the reality and the tricky play of my mind, I placed my
lifeless left hand beside me as I positioned my back against the gazebo. I breathed weakly as I passed
my finger through my hair, trying my best to endure the pain. The feeling of blood oozing out made
me relaxes, knowing that somehow I managed to escape from the thoughts that dont seem to cease.

And when I was calmed enough to think what actually happened, his face suddenly flashed inside my
mind.

'What would Joe thinks if he knows that you cut?' was what my subconscious mind kept telling me. I
wanted to shrug it off, but the image of his face - disgusted or scared - made me afraid that he will be,
sooner or later, leave me if he knows.

'But he said that he will be there...for me'

I fixated my gaze on my bloody wrist. The cut was horrible; blood was everywhere and I can't even
tell whether which of the wounds that I had inflicted earlier. The old scar from last week opened up,
and it looks almost the same as the freshly made cut. He would be terrified if he saw it.

After a short time of rest, I picked up my stuff and placed it inside the bag hastily. It was already
evening, and mom would be crying non-stop if she knew that I returned late. I tried to wipe the knife
clean, but few of the stains still remained. I sighed as I pushed the blade in and threw it into my bag.
Then I unzipped the pocket on my bag pack, took out some wound plaster and when my blood had
come to a slow stop, I carefully peeled it and placed it on my wrist. Messy as it is, it's better than not
covering with anything. Picking up my bag and dusting off, I walked towards home, feeling contented
and lonely at the same time.

------

That night was bizarre. Mom was drunk and she was slurring all throughout her speech, not to
mention crying and cursing every minute that she can.

She stumbled when she tried to stand and sometimes when she fall over, I would help her to get up.
She was actually a very loving mother that is until my sister left the family, saying that she gave up
this family for another person that she loves. Due to that, mom's condition only worsens day by day.

My sister tried to persuade me to go along with her, moving to a new place and a new school where
no one would know about us. I wanted to go and live happily too, but I can't possibly leave mom
behind. Her condition was so horrible that I can't possibly say no when she asked me not to. Besides,
she was actually sick.

Sick with an incurable disease: a bipolar disorder personality.

The one time that I tried stopping her, results me in being badly wounded. I had to be sent to
hospital for a week after that and immediately I regret not knowing about her disease earlier. She
actually didn't realized it, but sometimes when she became furious and held grudges, she became an
entirely different person. Mom was kind and gentle as a person, and mad with murderous intent as
the other. It actually occurred when I was ten, when mom suddenly found out about that guy
cheating on her with another woman. She became dangerous after that, her mind was poisoned with
'what if' thoughts and would attacked anyone that tried to stop her. I and my sister did nothing
wrong and tried to comfort her, but she wouldn't recognized us. He instead, was lucky enough,
escaping everything with ease.

Maybe that's the reason why that man left her, and us.

Maybe that's also the reason why my sister decided to ran away, finding happiness by herself.

And also the reason why I became depressed and went through hell in school.

"Minnie"

My thoughts were disrupted when I heard a voice calling out for me from the kitchen. I turned my
head, facing my mother's back. Her hair was disheveled and the black cloth that she wore was in a
mess because she hasn't changed it since last week. She was walking unsteadily backwards and when
she found a family picture of us four that was smashed into bullets of glass by herself, she screamed
in anger and frustration.

"W- Whyy??? Minnie, I don't understand why he and your sister left me. WHYY??! WHY?!"

She took the picture and banged it furiously against the floor, countless of time until the pieces of
glass were scattered everywhere. When it wasn't enough, she tore the picture into thin short strips
and laughed madly as she tore it. Satisfied with venting out her anger, she soon began sobbing and
doesn't even care when she stood and stepped on the scattered sharp glasses. Her feet were bleeding
badly; blood were streaming down and at the same time painting the white floor a deep red in color,
but she just wouldn't stop as she continued sobbing and walking on the glasses.

As I watched, I kept myself silent. I can't stop her and I have no rights to comfort her and say 'It's
okay' when it is obviously not. She was hurt deeply inside, feeling betrayed by her own family and
having a disease that she doesn't want which ultimately ruined the family.

I glanced at my mother again, and she finally falls asleep on the couch. I grimly sighed as I stood up
and started to clean the mess that she made. After finishing up, I went over to my bedroom, trying
my best to go to school tomorrow.

The next morning, I woke up to the overly bright sunshine with a tired body and mind. I was

exhausted since yesterday, and yet today I still had to go to school. If not because my sister provided
the school fees for me, I wouldn't go there. Going there would just make me even more worn out.
Getting up from my bed, I unpeeled the patches of plaster while cringing in pain when the sticky
parts of the plaster almost peeled off the clotted blood. I threw away the plasters and examined my
wrist, it was not as bloody as yesterday, yet still throbbing and bruised from the unhealed cut. I took
a quick shower, wore the school uniform and placed new plasters on my wrist before going off to
school, checking on my mother one more time before embarking off.
The hallway was empty, and I walked through it while basking in the sunlight. It was sunny and too
bright for my taste so I averted my gaze on the floor; I like the dim-lighted rooms better. As I passed
through different classes, I was too busy thinking about what happened yesterday until I accidentally
bumped onto someone's shoulder.
I glanced up and was shocked to find that the person that I had collided with is the same Chinese guy
yesterday. His eyes had this mischievous look as if he saw another prey and when I tried to look for
his name tag, it wasn't there. I'm afraid of what might happened if I didn't apologize, so I did it with a
slight bow and a small 'sorry'. I stepped pass through him and was about to continue strolling to
classroom when he suddenly tapped my shoulder. I turned around before he swiftly picked up the
collar of my shirt and pushed me against the cold wall. I gritted my teeth in pain as my back collided
with the hard wall and it became harder to breathe. The taller guy suddenly smirked before he softly
hissed.
"Your expression doesn't show that you're apologizing"
I furrowed my eyebrows.
What? I did apologized!
I wanted to say that words out loud, but my lips were tightly sealed as I kept quiet staring at the
floor. I can't face this anymore.
It's occurring again.
He suddenly lifted up my chin and observed my face. I was sick and disgusted of meeting people like
him that upon meeting his face and his snarky grin, I wanted really badly to wipe of his smirk. His
eyes accentuates everything; the playful, mischievous and the character of a bully. Suddenly I felt a
sharp pain on my foot and when I glanced down, his right foot was on mine. I clenched my teeth in
pain when he twist his heel, applying pressure and his weight on it.
When the students started to come in little by little, the taller guy then released the grip on my collar
before muttering words under his breath.
"We'll see later, poker-face....Wailee"
He pressed harshly on my name tag before walking off, and I held my chest, trying to breathe as
properly as I could. The pain on the feet was not there anymore and I sighed in relief. When I
managed to actually stand, I picked up my weak legs and moved towards the classroom.

'It's okay, it's okay.' I kept chanting in my head, countlessly until I'm calm enough to walk properly.
As I walked, suddenly I felt an arm wrapped on my shoulder. I quickly turned around and found the
joyful Joe clinging onto me.
"Waileenn~ how are you today?" He asked in a sing song voice but as soon as he saw my pale face,
his face turned grim. "You seemed like you had seen a ghost. Is everything alright?"
'No' "Yes" I nodded briefly. He looked at me, seemed unsatisfied with the answer but just shrugged it
off.

--------

The class as usual, is boring. I don't see any point in learning when I don't even feel like continuing
my life in despair. Why should I learn when there is nothing to learn?
I sighed as I stared at the wild birds flying outside, freedom and uncaged. How I longed to be free of
the past, to just forget everything that had happened like the birds soaring through the winds.
As I turned my head back at the front, the guy in front me glanced at the back. I don't really
remember his name, and it seemed like he wanted to ask me something.
Wait, why I didn't saw him yesterday? I thought the seat in front of me was empty....
"Okay everyone, I will leave you guys here for a while because I had something to do. Do your
homework and please don't waste your time" the math teacher said as he glanced on his watch and
walked out of the room. The guy infront of me then turned around his chair, showed his toothy smile
and greeted me.
"Oh hello there, what's your name?"
I stared at him as I pointed towards my name tag and quickly turned my head towards the window.
Seeing my unresponsive behavior, he almost sulked but managed to maintain his composure as he
chuckled nervously. "Soooo xiu...min, right? Do you know how to solve question number 12? I don't
understand the anti-log parts"
I glanced back, facing the question but still remained quiet. I was about to ignore him and resume
my daily activity of watching the window when he clapped his hands together and said 'please' with
all his might. I sighed as I pointed towards the notes and showed him the solution. He watched
carefully and when I finally came to an answer, he exclaimed happily.

"Woahhhh, I didn't know it was that easy!"

I just shrugged and stared at him as he jumped in joy at the answer. What is he so happy about? It's
just an answer. I don't understand him.
He then extended his hand. "Nice to meet you...uh.... Can I just call you minmin or something?
That's much easier. And I'm Baekhyun by the way! Call me Baekkie if you want"
I looked at his hand, and stared back at him. A handshake? Really?
He bitterly smile when I didn't return the greeting, but he swiftly pulled out my right hand and
placed it on his right, as if I did a handshake but forcefully by the other party.
"There.... Handshake is not tough, you know? It will be easy if you're more willing" He released his
hand and sat back down as he continued his math exercise in a rush. I was left surprised, because
aside from Joe, he's the second person that became bitter when I didn't reply. People usually don't
care and I don't make the effort too.
However, I do met someone like them in the past when I was in middle school.

"Sooo, how about the next question?" Baekhyun or Baekkie or whatever turned around again,
disrupting my thoughts as he asked for help. I sighed in annoyance.
Here it comes again.

------

When the bell rang, I quickly went towards the rooftop. Joe somehow had quickly caught up that I
dislike the cafeteria, so today he just leave me alone as he joined his friends for lunch. Besides, I
haven't be able to visit the rooftop yesterday, and today might make up for it. The flight of stairs were
uninviting, and I had to climb those to reach the rooftop. But when I stepped out of the door and into
the open area on the rooftop, I was in awe by the surrounding atmosphere. The sky was in a beautiful
shade of blue and the air had a calming properties, unlike the suffocating air below. I walked towards
the railing and was overwhelmed by the gust of wind. It was as if I was free from everything.

If I could, I want to stay there forever.

As I strolled beside the metal railing, gazing at the birds and ant-like-people beneath me, I felt like
being consoled and receiving therapies. I took a seat at the corner of the railing, staring at the
gorgeous sky that I have never seen before.
After about 10 minutes, I stood up and went back down to the classroom. Ten minutes were enough
for comfort.
As I walked into the empty hallway, from afar I could see that someone's back was blocking the entry
way to my classroom. I squinted my eyes, trying to get a good look at his face. The black-haired guy
suddenly turned around, sensing a pair of eyes observing him.
Oh, it's Kyungsoo.
He was surprised when he saw me as he took careful steps towards me and bowed. He extended his
hand and gave me the handkerchief that I lend him yeaterday. Shocked by his sudden kind gratitude,
I just nodded and said a small 'you're welcome' while taking the handkerchief back. As I walked
passed him into the classroom, the other guy suddenly snatched my left wrist.
I immediately cringed and hissed as I abruptly pulled away my left arm, carefully rubbing the wrist
part. Few drops of blood seeped into the sleeve because of the sudden contact.
Shit. Blood.
"What's the matter?" I asked in uneasiness as I placed my wrist behind me, trying to hide it from his
view. Kyungsoo just shrugged as he pulled out a drawing block and a black sharpie before scribbling
something on it. I stared in curiosity and bewilderment.
What is he doing?
Then he showed his heart-shaped smile as he showed me the page of the drawing block with three
big letters that formed a very familiar and disgusting word.
"Cut?"
I glanced between the paper and his face, and then I furrowed my eyebrows. How did he know?
He flipped another page, wrote on it and show it to me again.
"Hello, 'cut'mates"

My eyes became wide as I stared at him. So he really knows that I cut? And what does 'cut'mates even
mean? That he cuts like me?
"Why do you say that?" I whispered in displeased tone. I might have helped him, but I don't need
anyone interfering with my business. They were just faking innocence.
He flipped another page and wrote on it again. Why is he not talking at all and busy writing?
Something was weird with him.
Is it because....
I clicked my tongue and he looked up from his book when he heard It. I pointed at the book as his
smile faltered and a look of confusion flashed across his face. He mouthed an 'Ah' before passing the
book to me. I took it and scribbled on it with the same sharpie that he used before. Then I showed it
to him.
'Are you mute?'
In a split second, I saw his cheerful and expressive eyes turned into a gloom expression and then
changed back into his cheerful self.
He nodded slowly.
I then closed and returned the book with the marker back. He gladly received it and wrote on the
page that he left off.
'Your left wrist is badly swollen. It's easy to tell for the people of the same species'

Before I could ask any further questions about him, the school bell rang. He wrote a simple 'goodbye
and thank you' before promptly scurried away.
I glanced back at my wrist and stared at the ground below. It's terrible enough that someone else
know my secret, and now the stained blood was even more visible in public.
I need to clean it fast, before someone else knows about my it.
I ran to the bathroom, making sure that the wrist was carefully hidden from the view of everyone that
I passed by. Pushing the bathroom door open, I sighed in relief when it was empty. As I went to the

sink, I turned the faucet and splashed the stained part with cold water, trying hard to scrub it away.
But it was no use. The redness of the blood did reduce in colour, but the stained part just became
bigger and wider. So in the end, I gave up. As I turned the faucet off, I heard the footsteps of
someone from behind me. I stood rooted in my place as I didn't managed to roll down my sleeves in
time and at the corner of my eyes, I saw a very shocked expression.
The expression that I had least wanted to see.
Joe.

As swift as lightning, I hid my wrist behind my back in defense.

He cannot know.
Not him.
Please.
"Wailee.... That...." Joe looked at me, terrified, as he pointed at me with his index finger, or actually
he was pointing towards my hidden wrist.
My heart quickened in fear.
He definitely saw it.
I dropped my head and shook furiously. I wanted to say something, but words were stuck in my
throat. They won't come out.
And when I managed to let out my voice, all I could say was just,

"It's nothing"
He grunted in disbelief.
"What do you mean it's nothing? Your wrist is swollen and bleeding! It's fucking bleeding!! What
were you thinking?" Joe shouted with a shaky voice, partly angry and partly disappointed. Why

didn't Wailee told him earlier about it? It's a serious matter, and yet Wailee choose to keep it from
him.
Joe stepped forward, trying to coax me into his arms. I was scared of what might happen so I took a
step back, accidentally hit my back with the sink. The coldness of the atmosphere made me shiver in
fear.
So this isn't a dream?
Why did this have to happen to me?
"What are you doing? We need to get that treated. Now." He took another step forward and suddenly
I saw it again, the image of the past. I felt my knees became weak as I dropped down and hugged my
knees in defense.

'Stay away, you wouldn't want to contract his illness'

'He's insane..'

"Wailee!"
I tightly shut my ears, not wanting to hear any of it and shook my head furiously.
"No! I don't want to! You're just gonna leave me! Everyone did that and left me behind!!" I screamed
in desperation as tears threatened to fell.
It will happen.
I will be betrayed again.

'Stay away, you wouldn't want to contract his illness'

'He's insane..'

"Go away. Leave me alone!" I wailed as I broke into tears. My cheeks were wet with tears, and yet I
can't stop the flow of it; I felt myself free-falling into the endless nightmare.
Why did he have to see that?
Am I fated to be betrayed?
Under all those cloudy thoughts, I barely heard his footsteps went away. He came back seconds later
after locking something and I glanced up, slightly wiping my puffy eyes with the end of my sleeve as I
vaguely saw that the bathroom door was locked, with his back against the door.
"Let it out, I will be here if you ever need me.. Okay?" He flashed his signature smile, but this time,
the dazzling smile wasn't as sincere as it always been.
And somehow, he seemed...hurt?
I sniffled as my tears quickly lessened and forced my croaked voice to come out.
"Why? Why would you go that far for someone as me? You should run away like everyone else, like
how they did to me. I'm disgusting!"
I saw he sighed in denial as he pondered on how to arrange his words. He then walked towards me
and crouched, so that he was at the same level as me as he rubbed the tears at the corner of my eyes
with his thumb.
"No, you're not. I don't care what happened to you in the past, but you should never think of yourself
as disgusting." he stopped for a while before stretching his hands and pulled me into a soothing hug.
"You're lovely as you are. Never forget that." his voice was serene and melodious like the light breeze
as he whispered softly and rubbed soothing circles behind me. "I will always be right behind to
support you"
I rubbed my eyes in silence and sniffled.
Why would someone as kind as him helped me?
I breathed heavily into his chest, trying to regain my composure and when it returned; I muttered a
soft 'thank you' with my lips pressed against his chest. All I could hear was a barely audible 'you're
welcome' from him.

And maybe that's when it starts. The feeling of butterflies fluttering around, and how my heart beat
faster in his embrace. Maybe it's because of his warm and calming hug, or maybe it's because he was
always right there when I need help.
It's the first time that I had felt like this.
What is this tugging feeling?

"Why do you come here? It's class time.." I whispered softly as I breathed through words.
"Well, you weren't in class so Baekhyun and I got worried..." he heaved and continued.
"....Let's go to the infirmary first. You need to be treated. That cut look pretty nasty" he carefully
rolled down my sleeve and stood up, pulling me alongside him by the other wrist. I gingerly nodded
as I follow his lead feebly.
As we arrived into the infirmary, Joe knocked on the sliding door gently before he poked his head
inside. Afterwards, he immediately shook his head at me.
"There's no one inside. Come one in, we'll get that cleaned and bandaged" he motioned to me as he
pulled me inside and placed me on one of the seats that were scattered around. Joe seemed confused
as what to do when he remembered something and went to the light brown wooden cabinet behind
me and fished out a medical kit. He came back and sat as he placed the kit beside him. The 'click'
sound of Joe opening the white plastic box echoed through the silent room as he pulled out bottles of
unrecognizable liquids of different shade, searching for something. I stared at him, puzzled and
surprised.
Is he really going to treat my wound? Does he know what is he doing?
"I know what I'm supposed to do, so don't worry.." he took out a bandage and shifted his glance
towards me. Seeing that I just sat staring at the box, he pursed his lips towards the sink. I glanced at
it and glanced back at him.
"Go wash your cut. You know, the blood is in a mess and you need to clean it."
I stared at the cut on my wrist and it was indeed messy with dark red smudged and clotted blood. I
rose up and weakly went to the metal sink, turning the faucet on under medium pressure and
positioned my left wrist under the running tap water. The cold water were cool to the touch, and as I
rubbed the spot beside the cut to remove any excess blood, I watch the water turned slightly red after
passing through the cut and trickled down into the drain. It was like the water were healing my

nightmare, my memories and absorbing it into a huge black spiral that vanished in the blink of an
eye. I turned the faucet off when my wrist were almost cleaned, and trudged towards the waiting Joe
as I fixated my gaze upon his smile, a smile that somehow warmed my heart. He carefully dried it
with any cleaned cloth that was available in the kit and wrapped the wound with the sterile bandage,
winding and winding until it was four layers thick before he cut it off. As he motioned me to stand, he
placed the kit inside the cupboard and exclaimed in excitement when I stared at my now treated cut.
"Yay, we made it! You should go to the doctor and get further advices"
I silently shook my head as my mind unconsciously travelled to the image of fake doctors with
disgusting tablets and the suffocating air in the hospital.
Not the doctor, nor the hospital.
I hate them.
"I don't want to go there." I muttered softly, only loud enough for his ear to catch it. Heavy silence
dropped upon us and I looked up in uneasiness. My glances immediately fall on the navy blue wall
clock and realized that class time for 4th period was almost over. I opened my mouth slightly, trying
to attain his attention.
"What about class?"
Joe stared at me, surprised, before he glanced back at his watch and cursed a 'shit' under his
breath."Hah, whatever. Class will be over in 5 minutes, and I don't think we can arrive on time; the
class is so far away." He gave sideway glance to me and my wrist before knitting his eyebrows.
"You should stop that cutting activity..If you ever feel distressed, I can always give you a comfort
hug, you know? I know that I'm a stranger, prying my nose into other people's businesses but..." he
crossed his arms as he glanced cautiously at the door. "....somehow you're like a family to me." he
glanced back at me, locking gazes as his gaze burned on my skin.
And suddenly I felt my heart clenched. Is it because he said that he will give me a hug whenever I
need someone? Or is it because he said that I was like his family?
I don't understand.
And suddenly, as fast as how it came and went away, as fast as how the urge existed and vanished....
I kissed him.
I don't know why I did that.

I don't even know what I'm doing right now.

The only thing that I remember was how hurt and scared he looked when he pushed me away;
pushing me out of his eternal warmth.

Joe's always cheerful and youthful eyes recast into a devastating fearful look. As soon as my lips
touched his, he stepped back and shook his head defiantly as if saying I shouldn't do that. I stared in
slight horror, but panic quickly seeped in when he rubbed his lips harshly with the back of his hand;
his face shrouded with nothing but pure disgust.
The silent room were heavy with suffocating air and I almost choked in the unfamiliar air. I wanted
to say that it's a misunderstanding, but nothing came out. My voice was dry, and I slowly gulped
before trying my best to let out a barely audible voice.
"Joe... I'm sorry-"
He immediately shoot daggers of hatred towards me, something that he would never did before.
"Sorry?! That's what you said after you kissed someone?! I thought of you as a friend, but instead
this is how you repay my kindness? With disgusting feeling attached? How could you!"
He darted his gaze towards the door and turned around as I fell in silence of regret; 'Will he leave
me?' was the only thought that occurred to me as he made a quick walk to the door. I wanted to chase
after him, to beg him to stay by my side, but my legs were trembling in fear.

He will leave you.

Fright and fear got to me and I quickly snatched his wrist before he managed to exit the room. He
gave a glance of mixed disgust, confusion and hurt.

"Please don't leave me alone"

He harshly released the grip on his hand and my heart broke into tiny pieces of glass when he left me
behind with nothing but one sentence:
You're disgusting.
I watched his shadow vanished and everything felt like it had been washed away. I tried to hold my
stand, my knees were weak and I stifled. The clammy air is painful as I took sharp breath, like icy
glaciers.
Fairly cold yet unbearable.

Don't cry, It's nothing

You've experienced this, It's okay

Don't cry
Everything's gonna be fine

Everything's gonna be fine

And suddenly, my tears fall.

I wiped it with the end of my sleeves.
But I wonder why my tears wouldn't stop falling.

-----------

Everything was white. But when I lift up my hand to paint the canvas, I could see nothing but red. It's
a mess but 'red' somehow made it better. It's like I'm finally founding my freedom.
But from what I'm trying to escape from?
His face flashed across my mind and I swiftly slide the brush again; it felt better that way.
I quickly turned around and it's cold. Heavy and chilly atmosphere surrounded me. My tears were
already dried yet it's still wet.
Where am I?
I stared at the dark cloudy sky, the drop of tears from above hit me like piercing bullets filled with
sadness.
Where am I?

Oh, the park.

Somehow I might have ended here, and I glanced back in front of me. The canvas and paintbrush
had vanished, and it only left me with my bloody wrist and the blood-stained knife.
It's weird. How I used to hate rain but now here I am, sitting in a park in a middle of heavy rain.
Weird but comforting.

And suddenly a shadow appeared above my head. I glanced up, and stared questioningly at the sky
azure umbrella. The bright colour contrasted the grey sky, and I loathed it. I pushed the umbrella
away and shivered as I hugged my knees in fear. A hissed from a person followed after, but I just
don't care. I don't need any umbrella orWait, a voice?
I turned around, but no one was there. There was only heavy silence. The bright umbrella however,
just sat next to me silently.

Should I take it?

I shook my head; it's not mine to begin with. But the sky-blue colour intrigued me.
Who might have left this here?
I gingerly picked it up and put it infront of me. The sound of rain drops falling on the umbrella was
like music to my ear.

Maybe blue isn't so bad compared to red.

The next day, I woke up to the glaring sunshine with a bad headache. I can't even remember what I
did yesterday, the memory were too hazy to recall everything. My wrist felt worst and painfully
throbbing today, and there were blood on my bed. Did I cut in my sleep?
I examined the wound and it seemed like it wasn't. Maybe it was weeks ago and hasn't dried off by
now. I shrugged in silence when something caught my full attention.
The sky-blue umbrella at the corner of my bed. The bright sea-like colour was still the same like
yesterday.
Wait, yesterday?
What happened yesterday?
I tried to remember everything that happened yesterday, but nothing seemed to fit into the picture.
The umbrella, the raindrops, the red paint.... What else did I forget?
I held my head tightly, forcing my mind to remember everything but instead the headache became
too overwhelming.
Blank, was what I could say as I tried to stabilize my ragged breathing.

There is nothing at all.

*SLAM*
I startled and immediately jumped from my bed. Did something happened again with my mother? I
went out of the bedroom and looked down the stairs; she was nowhere to be found. Quickly, I made a
run downstairs and searched in the kitchen for her.
And there she was, throwing and slamming the dining chairs around as her hair tangled up in a
freaking mess.
I sighed. How long has this been continuing for?

Break.

I need a break from all of this.

--------------

"Where's Wailee? He's almost late to class" Baekhyun nudged towards the sitting Joe. The latter
jerked slightly upon the name, but then managed to relax himself.
"Don't associate me with him. I don't care where he is right know and I don't know"
Baekhyun stared weirdly at Joe as if questioning his sudden don't-care attitude.

"What do you mean by that? Both of you are close! There's no way you wouldn't know"
"When I said I don't know, it means I don't know" Joe jeered before turning his head to the
classroom door that suddenly slide open.

"Oh, there he is!" Baekhyun exclaimed as he waved towards Wailee's way and Joe just averted his
gaze elsewhere. Wailee stared with confusion at Baekhyun as if saying 'who are you'. The other
shrugged as he pointed to his nametag and shook hands with the latter. Wailee's gaze somehow
fixated unto the nametage and when something clicked in his mind, he suddenly nodded and smile.
Baekhyun quickly whispered to Wailee, but somehow Joe could still heard their voices.
"Did you guys fight?"
Wailee stared at him as confusion flashed across his face. "Fight? With whom?"
"Who else? Obviously, that guy.." Baekhyun quickly pointed towards Joe and the said male swiftly
averted his gaze. He doesn't feel like facing the other after what Wailee did yesterday to him.
Wailee pondered for a while and slowly opened his mouth.

"Who....is he?"

Baekhyun gaped in shock as Joe that heard everything just stared back unbelievably at Wailee, They
both exchanged glances but somehow the soul in the latter's eyes had died. It was as if they were
strangers.
Pure strangers.

Wailee shrugged silently as he trudged to his desk behind Baekhyun's. "I don't recall fighting with
anyone"
"Really? Ah, my misunderstanding then. But you don't remember a guy named Joe?"
Wailee gave a questioning look as he shook his head. Baekhyun sighed, he thought he shouldn't
interfere anymore since he barely know their relationship. Maybe Wailee was having a bad day or
maybe it's just really his imagination when he saw the closeness between both of them.

But what if, Wailee really forgets about him?

Baekhyun just shrugged in silence.