27 Etiquette Rules For Our

Times

Leadership

APR 22, 2014 @ 02:06 PM

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Rob Asghar
CONTRIBUTOR

I write about what success looks like today.

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It is impossible to overlook the extent to which civilization is built

upon a renunciation of instinct, Sigmund Freud said.
Theres always a tension between how much we should follow our
instincts and how much we should yield to social conventions. But at
times like ours, the tendency is to tilt too far toward our instincts,
since the conventions are changing fast and theres no consensus
about them anyway. Theres a risk in that. You dont know whom
you might be offending or how you might be sabotaging your own
success.

The original etiquette manuals of Western civilization were in fact

success manuals. As author Steven Pinker notes, they taught knights
and nobles how to conduct themselves in the court of the king

which is where we get the concepts of courtly and courtesy.

[See this related post for more on the history of manners, including
Pinkers provocative suggestion that the rise of manners at the
dinner table helped bring about a steep decline in violence on the
streets.]

I asked some tasteful and civilized friends and colleagues what an

updated manual for 2014 would look like. Here are 27 rules to help
you, whether at an office lunch, the company gym or the birthday
party of your childs schoolmate.
Youll notice a common denominator in all of them: Think about
other peoples feelings first because its not all about maximizing
your personal convenience.
1. Texting Hey, Im running 20 minutes late is not as acceptable as
making the effort to be on time.
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2. If you cant attend an event that youre formally invited to, dont
think that not RSVPing is the same as declining. And dont RSVP at
the last minute for an event that involves real planning by the host.

3. Show some decency around the office refrigerator: If you didnt

put the food in, dont eat it. And take your leftovers home or throw
them out before they morph into some radioactive nightmare.
4. Dont bellow on your cell phone. Just because you cant hear the
other person well doesnt mean the other person cant hear you well.
5. Turn off the phone at a dinner party, and be in the moment. Youre
annoying at least one person who thinks you have no social skills. At
bare minimum, turn off the ringer so you can text and conspire in
relative stealth.
6. Remember that if you feel a need to respond immediately to every
incoming text, youll lose more in the eyes of the person whos in
front of you than youll gain from the unseen people who are
benefiting from your efficiency.
7. When you get to the front of the line at Starbucks, dont tell the
barista to wait while you wrap up your phone discussion. The barista
hates you, and so does everyone behind you. They are hoping the
barista spits in your latte.
8. If you come late to an exercise class, dont think youre entitled to
barge your way to your favorite spot in the front. And dont block
others from weight racks or other equipmentjust step back three
feet and make everyone happy.
9. Keep personal conversations and arguments off social networking
sites. The dramatic airing of grievances is best done through SMS.
10. Moderate your use of cameras and video at events. Enjoy your

time with colleagues, friends and family in the present and preserve
only a memento for the future, rather than recording the entire thing
to relive later in some free time that youll never actually have.
11. Remember how easily e-gossip can be forwarded along to the
wrong person.
12. Just because youre wearing headphones doesnt mean you can
tune out from social courtesies. For example, if you accidentally
cross someones personal space, apologize graciously.
13. Dont lend someone a book or item unless they specifically ask for
it. Theyre probably too busy to ever get around to it. Theyll feel
guilty about that, and youll be annoyed that they didnt appreciate it
or even get around to returning it.
14. Dont RSVP for an event, then not show. Now youre not just being
rude, but youre costing the host money, and youve probably kept a
lonely soul from being invited as a backup.
15. Dont be the first or second person to talk on your cell phone in a
public space (like a bus or train). If everyones doing it, youre
allowed some slack here.
16. Dont show up at a party empty-handed, unless youve been
instructed to and sometimes not even then. Bring wine or dessert
or a plant.
17. Use your turn signal at least 50% more than you use your middle
finger.
18. Dont make your dietary requirements everyone elses dilemma.
As one friend reminds me, People who can eat dairy dont just keep
coconut oil-based butter around.
19. If your children are invited to a friends house to play, they (and
you) should also feel invited to help with the cleanup.
20. Dont break up with someone by text. And dont announce a
death in the family by text. There are still times when phones or faceto-face are the best way to go.
21. Dont take photos for posting on the People of Walmart page.

22. Dont discuss sensitive personal issues on Facebook, especially if

youve friended coworkers.
23. Your dog is cute, but he or she doesnt have a pass to go
anywhere. Im a huge dog lover, says one colleague, but dont
assume its okay to bring along your dog to my house. I can barely
stand what my own dogs do to my house I also dont like people
who bring their animals to Petco. Seriously, do you think your dog
likes to shop? Its just you seeking attention. You probably dont even
need anything at Petco youre just there because you can bring
your dog in, and you think its cool to bring a dog out in public. Dogs
dont shop. They would rather be sniffing the pee on that trashcan
outside by the front door than walking on slippery retail flooring.
24. Double-check that your headphones are plugged-in before
streaming your favorite Spotify station.
25. Dont say, Im having a party. Bring your own food and drink.
Thats not a party.
26. If youve been invited to an event, be reluctant to ask for an
upper ceiling on how many friends and relatives you can bring.
27. And finally, all the classics still apply. One working mother offers
a quick review here:

Chew with your mouth closed; dont talk with food in your mouth; keep
your elbows off of the table while eating; wash your hands after going to
the restroom. My children know betterso why do I see adults exhibiting
such poor behavior? If you bump into someone, say excuse me. Dont
reach across someones face. Dont board a plane when theyre loading
group A and you are in group D. Dont stay behind the crosswalk when
you are making a left turn and thus prevent anyone else behind you from
turning. Dont let your kids act like wild monkeys in a restaurant. Dont
touch someones belly when shes pregnantor even when she isnt. Dont
leave cupboard doors and drawers opensomeone can get hurt. And
dont pull up to the exit gate in a parking lot without your ticket handy.

That may seem like a lot, and to some it may seem like an uptight
way to live. But just remember the basic success principle underlying
all manners: Think about other peoples feelings first because its still
not all about you.

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