Running head: HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

HD 484A Reflective Study: Developmental Theory

Pauline Abu-Tayeh
Norma Castellanos
January 27, 2016

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

Introduction
Life has given me the many experiences needed in order for me to survive in my world.
In this paper, I will focus on two key life experiences; one from my childhood and one from my
life span and the effects on my developmental process. I will evaluate my stages of development
and reflect on them theoretically.
Childhood
I was seven years old when my family moved into a home in Valinda, California. My
father worked as a machine operator. My mother was a homemaker. I felt safe because my
mother was home all day. It was nice to have my mom greet us every day after school. My
father was at work all day. I felt glad. When he was at home, he would scream at my mother
and often hit her if dinner was not on the table on time. I felt scared and alone. My mother was
a calm and humbled woman. She cleaned the house, did our laundry, made our meals, and
organized everything in the house from socks to dishes. I felt proud of how my mother took care
of my siblings and me. I remembered I spent a lot of time in the pool. My mom brought us
lemonade and sausages. I felt peaceful with my mothers laughter and all of my siblings.
At this time of my journey, I had one brother and three sisters which included me. I felt
secured to be with them. We went swimming, rode bikes, did hiking in the local hills with mom,
and skated at the rink. I felt happy and excited. My mother and my siblings were close-knit
family when my father wasnt around. I felt thrilled to be with all of them. We were like best
friends. One day, my father came home early from work. My father was intoxicated. He was
stumbling to the backyard. My siblings and I were playing board games while we talked and
laughed. My father started screaming at us. He reached out to hit my brother in the head. All of
my siblings took off into the house. I was left standing all alone. I felt abandoned and

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

frightened. My mother came running out and said to my dad, Dont you dare lay a hand on her.
You do not come in this house until you sober up. My father fell on the grass and laid there. I
felt protected and loved by my mom.
It was another time, when I remembered, that I was eight years old. My entire family
went to a wedding party. It was a dark cold night. We had been at the party for about three
hours. My mother asked my father to go home as it was almost 11:00 PM. He yelled and
screamed at her. I felt terrified. I felt numb all over my body. We all got into the car. When my
mother got into the car, my father kicked my mother on her hip and slapped her head. I felt
powerless. We all started crying. I felt anger toward my father for the way he treated my mother.
The next morning, my father apologized and cried to my mother. He repeated this behavior over
and over. I always felt sickened to my stomach. At this time in my life, I started to recognize
that my mother needed to leave him. I felt hopeful.
The last incident was at home. It was dark in the living room. I was sitting on the couch.
I remembered my mom was sitting at the table with a black purse over her shoulder. My father
screamed at my mom about how she washed the dishes. I felt sad and let down. He nagged her
for not having us bathed when he got home. I felt unhappy and withdrawn. Furthermore, my
father screamed at me and said, Someday, you will be just like your mother. I felt tormented
and troubled. His shouting got heavier and heavier. I felt scared and restless. My mother started
to look off into another direction. Her mouth was open. I began to cry and yelled out to my
mother. I felt disheartened. My father ran into the dining room. He was calling out to my
mother and shook her by the arms. My mother was able to focus. My father cried and
apologized to her again. I felt ashamed to have a father like mine. I felt brokenhearted that my
family would never be the same. I felt insecure and lifeless. I felt breathless and passive as I

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

didnt know what to do or say. I felt terrified and hopeless. After all, I was a child.
A child needs to feel a sense of belonging to his/her family. When that safety is
threatened by his/her family, then the child feels abandoned and withdrawn. The child has lost
his/her basic need to survive and to trust. I learned that when a child is surrounded by
dominance, that child feels abused and alone. I learned that when a child witnesses domestic
violence, that child feels fear. I learned that when a child sees cruelty, that child feels insecure
and frightened. I learned that when a child hears negative words, that child feels rejected and
neglected. I learned that when a child lives in fear, that child feels unheard, unseen, and
unwanted.
Adulthood
I was twenty-two years old when I married the man of my dreams. I felt terrific. It was
during a hot day in August of 1984. I came home from work, and I felt exhausted. I rested on
the bed, and I had thought about my marriage. I felt excited. Then, I heard the door open, and it
was my husband. I said to him, Daniel, Im in the bedroom. He placed the bags of groceries
on the table. He said, Come and put the food away. I responded, Ill be there. Im resting for
a few minutes. He screamed, I said to come and put the food away. I felt anxious and
baffled. My husband ran into the bedroom and slapped my back with his hand. I felt confused
and scared. I cried, Why did you do that? He answered, Because you didnt do what I told
you to do? I felt let down and afraid. Then, with all my strength, when he went out of the
room, I jumped up and locked the door. About an hour later, he knocked on the door and
apologized. He said that he would never do that again. I forgave him. I felt hopeful.
It was several months later. I found out that I was four months pregnant. My husbands
verbal and physical abuse continued on. He wanted me to have an abortion. I felt shocked and

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

miserable. I felt disconnected to the world. One night in November of 1984, he walked in and
pushed me to the floor. I felt ashamed. I felt boxed-in. I couldnt move. He shouted, Stay
there, or I will kill you. I felt threatened. I managed to get up and ran into the bedroom. I felt
fear. He pushed open the door. He held a lighted-cigarette in his hand. I grabbed the phone and
called 9-1-1. He grabbed the phone cord from me and wrapped it around my neck. I heard the
dispatcher faintly as I screamed so she heard me. I felt shaky. He was bringing the cigarette
toward my eye. I felt strength. With all my might, I pulled off the cord and ran toward the door.
The pounding on the door made me feel hopeful. When I went to open the door, my husband
grabbed my neck. I felt horrified that I wouldnt make it out alive. The voice on the other side
of the door told me to stand back. I heard the force of the door as they barged in. I felt
aggravated. The SWAT Team entered in. I felt relieved. My husband stood against the wall.
The SWAT Teams guns were pointed at him. He was arrested. By this time, my brother came to
pick me up and take me to my mothers home. I felt peaceful for my baby and me.
For the next six months, it was rough. My husband was stalking me. He was showing up
at my work as if we were still together. I felt disgusted and detached. One night, he threw a
brick through the window. It almost hit my brother and my baby. I felt upset. The police made
a report. A restraining was made, and under special circumstances, I was granted a divorce. I
had full custody. I felt elated and free. I also felt concerned if he were to come back.
Women deserve to be loved. I learned that when a wife is disrespected, she feels
unappreciated. I learned that when a wife is mistreated, she feels scared and alone. I learned
that when a wife is hurt by a loved one, she feels insecure. I learned that when a wife is
physically harmed, she feels threatened and intimidated. I learned that when a wife stays with
the abuse, she feels ashamed and abandoned. I learned that when a wife is verbally abused, she

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

feels detached and ignored. I learned that when a wife suffers from emotional abuse, she feels
miserable and confused. I learned that when a wife believes she has no way out, she feels
trapped and discouraged.
Development comes in all ages of life. I have relived a part of my life with these
experiences. I have written about a few incidences of abuse. I feel relief that I can still express
my feelings from my childhood and my adulthood. I have learned that feelings may be
represented through expression and communication. With this paper, I have experienced
negative outcomes in my childhood and in my adulthood when life was being challenged. As a
child, I have learned to mask my feelings from my abuse by my father from home. Where I have
felt scared, alone, and insecure, I learned that I can feel trusting to call for outside help. As an
adult, I have learned to hide my feelings of abuse from my husband at home. Where I have felt
ashamed, ignored, and beaten, I learned that I can feel optimistic about my freedom. I have
learned that when life is pleasant, the feelings are positive. With these written reflections and
theories, I am able to give a name to each of my feelings that I have felt during those moments of
my life. With feelings of fear and alone during these times in my life, I have felt unwanted and
ashamed. As a child or an adult, we need to feel a sense of belonging. Love and safety are of
first importance to a positive environment.

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

HD 484B Reflective Study: Developmental Theory Analysis

My paper will analyze my stages of developmental theory. I will reflect on my life
experiences in my childhood and in my adulthood. I will express the effects of my feelings and
the outcomes of the negative experiences.
Upon my reflection of my childhood experiences, I learned that when a child is
surrounded by dominance, that child feels abused and alone. I learned that when a child
witnesses domestic violence, that child feels fear. I learned that when a child sees cruelty, that
child feels insecure and frightened. I learned that when a child hears negative words, that child
feels rejected and neglected. I learned that when a child lives in fear, that child feels unheard,
unseen, and unwanted.
Upon evaluating my life experiences as an adult, I learned that when a wife is
disrespected, she feels unappreciated. I learned that when a wife is mistreated, she feels scared
and alone. I learned that when a wife is hurt by a loved one, she feels insecure. I learned that
when a wife is physically harmed, she feels threatened and intimidated. I learned that when a
wife stays with the abuse, she feels ashamed and abandoned. I learned that when a wife is
verbally abused, she feels detached and ignored. I learned that when a wife suffers from
emotional abuse, she feels miserable and confused. I learned that when a wife believes she has
no way out, she feels trapped and discouraged.
The key issues, that my developmental theory addressed, are feelings of insecurity and
frightened. Other key issues are feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and shame. Finally, my
other key issues are feelings of threatened and intimidated. All of the key issues addressed the
development of my life as a child and as an adult.

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

These key issues have formed patterns of behavior in my life. I am detached from many
of my loved ones. Therefore, I dont allow for myself to get close to them. I live in solitude
with minimal contact from my family. Another pattern of behavior is that I appear to repeat the
friendships of people who use the intent of physical harm or bullying. When I establish
relationships with other people, I find that they harm or bully me. Another pattern of behavior is
that I shout or scream at others when they scream or shout at me. I also yell at others when I feel
trapped in situations of violence, or when I find myself alone. Shouting was the center of any
violence that I have encountered in the home during my childhood or adulthood experiences.
These childhood and adulthood experiences have affected my attachments in my relationships as
a repeated pattern of behavior. My stages of development have assisted me that my negative
feelings follow me from childhood and into adulthood.
I have been able to change some of my negative patterns. There have been many
challenges and hurdles in order to overcome some of these negative barriers. These experiences
have made me feel ashamed and alone. When I was a child or an adult, I have believed that I
was the only one who had these experiences in the world. For example, I have changed the
negative pattern of shouting. When my children and I are together, we use candles and quiet
time. I talk about what is making them upset and how can we change the situation. We talk
about our feelings. We discuss how this hurts someone. I regulate my feelings with this
technique so that I dont argue or shout with them.
Another example is that I have avoided negative relationships. I have observed the kind
of men that I meet and engage in conversation. I stay in those relationships as friends. When I
see a display of violence, I walk away from any involvement with abuse. Yet, another example, I
have developed a friendship with my father. This is important for my growth. In order for me to

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

develop healthy relationships with other men, I had to develop a healthy relationship with my
father. I changed myself and my feelings of anger and pain. I listen to him. I talk with him. I
can walk away from him when he begins to shout at family members or myself. He has also
asked for forgiveness.
I have seen a therapist in my adulthood for my feelings of insecurity, scared, alone, and
abandoned. I have attended group sessions in dealing for my negative feelings. I sit, talk, and
listen to a group of women who have similar experiences to mine. I have engaged in group
mindful exercises for my feelings of uneasiness, unsafe, anxious, and trapped. I have learned,
that negative patterns of behavior can began a healing process, when you are exposed to healthy
ways and apply them to your life.
I have been able to build on patterns of positive behavior. I have made and sustained
friendships with men. I can laugh, talk, and listen to what they say. I have been able to develop
feelings of trust and security when I find myself alone with them. I have also built on my
patterns of positive behavior with my dad. I feel comfortable when I sit next to him. I feel
happy when he asks me questions about my life. I verbally express my positive or negative
feelings with him when he starts to make me feel bad about myself. I can walk away from him
when he begins to use explosive words or actions. In addition, I have also built on patterns of
positive behavior when I reach out to someone who listens and helps me to problem solve.
Therefore, I regularly visit a pastor or a therapist to check-in with my positive and negative
feelings. Furthermore, I am building on patterns of positive behavior because I am taking care of
me. I continue to take self-defense classes so that I can protect myself. I have developed
feelings of optimism and strength.

HD 484A REFLECTIVE STUDY: DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY

10

My theory speaks for others as well as myself. Children may experience violence in the
same way that I did. They may believe that this lifestyle is acceptable. They may also believe
that this lifestyle is unacceptable. I learned that if your environment is positive, you will have a
healthy upbringing. However, if you are raised in a home with violence, you will reap unhealthy
experiences. With my adulthood experiences, I can see that some women may stay in the
abusive relationship. These women may feel trapped and cant get out of the relationship. They
may continuously experience harm. They may feel alone. When they are isolated from their
abuser, they may feel isolated and withdrawn.
There are hidden assumptions in my theory that are not addressed. For example, I
learned that when a child grows up in violence, that child may feel normal. Another hidden
assumption is when a child gets therapy and help, that child may feel immediately well. In
addition, I learned that when woman is apologized to over and over, that wife feels hopeful.
Given my personal theory, there are feelings that have not been addressed. I learned that
when a child is met with screaming or yelling, that child feels belittled. I learned that when a
child sees someone get hurt, that child feels powerless and terrified. I learned that when a wife is
put down with name calling, that wife feels ugly and worthless. I learned that when a wife is
thinking to herself that there is no way out of this situation, that wife feels upset and suicidal. I
have learned that feelings are an important part of development. If we keep our feelings inside,
it can make us feel negative. When we verbalize our feelings out loud, we are able to feel safe
and respected. When we write down our feelings on paper, we are able to feel heard and seen.
In addition, my theory has not addressed race, gender, ethnicity, and socio-economic status in
relation to domestic violence.

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11

I can make my theory more inclusive by the collection of data. I can collect a wider data
of violence among children with statewide and countrywide statistics from organizations that
promote violence against women. I can also research from smaller samples. With visits to
clinics, I can have direct interaction with an individual such as a therapist on a one to one basis.
This research will consist of the feelings of children in abuse. This research will be done with
general information. On the other hand, I will gather statistics at a valid website such as
Violence Against Women and graph those statistics by verbal, emotional, physical, and
neglected abuse by men. I can also collect data from womens shelters. It will show how many
women have escaped from their abuser. I can take surveys from women who have been abused
by men and categorize the type of feelings that they have encountered through the violence. All
of this data can offer myself and others inclusive information on my theories.
Life has taken me on a journey of many experiences. I have experienced a hurtful
childhood and a painful adulthood. However, I have learned that when a wife is supported, that
wife feels safe. I have learned that when a wife and child are able to express her feelings, that
wife and child feels appreciative and comfortable. Healthy growth and development produces
positive outcomes with the guidance of healthy relationships. When it is negative, then the
consequences are negative feelings and behavior. Domestic violence can happen at any time. It
does not matter what religion, race, gender, or status. Domestic violence has been a way of life
for many women including me. I feel thankful for all of the help that I have received. Finally,
my theories are based on my childhood and adulthood experiences. I take away with me the
reshaping of my life experiences.