ACT ONE

FADE IN:
INT. SPRINGFIELD MAGIC SHOP- DAY
HOMER, MARGE, BART, LISA and MAGGIE walk into the shop. A MAGIC
SHOP OWNER (45), overweight and in a magician's outfit and hat,
stands by the register.
MAGIC SHOP OWNER
(DRAMATICALLY) Welcome, welcome, to
my little magic shop! Won't you
come in and be amazed?
Homer eats a candy bar and walks up to some magic mirrors that slim
down his chubby figure. He jumps for joy.
HOMER
(EXCITED) Oooh, I am already!
MARGE
(ANNOYED) Homer, you shouldn't be
eating candy in here, and we really need
to get going to your doctor's
appointment.
Homer models and poses in front of the mirrors.
HOMER
(ANNOYED) Not now, Marge, can't you
see, this is much more exciting than any
old doctor's appointment. (NAGGING)
Besides, you're breath smells. Did you
forget to brush this morning?
MARGE

(AGREEING) Actually, I did forget.

Homer presents Marge with some gum.
HOMER
(TEMPTING) Just chew on one of these,
honey.
MARGE
(AGREEING) Alright, but just one, you
know how much sugar is in a piece of
that.
Marge reaches for the gum and a trap shuts on her finger.
MARGE (CONT'D)
(STUNNED) Ouch!
Homer laughs.
HOMER
(CHILDISHLY) Fooled you!
Marge groans.
Lisa and Bart shake each other's hands with buzzers and giggle as
Maggie watches.
BART
(ANNOYED) Ow, quit it!
LISA
(AGGRAVATED) Stop it, Bart, you're
shocking me!
BART
Okay, enough clowning around.
Bart looks at magic supplies on a shelf. He spots a canister of enlarging
powder.
BART (CONT'D)
(STARTLED) Cool, how much for this?

MAGIC SHOP OWNER

Kid, this stuff isn't that safe. One time I
accidentally dropped it on a Venus fly
trap and nearly got eaten up. It's ten
bucks.
BART
(SURPRISED) I'll take it!
Bart grabs the expanding powder off the shelf.
INT. SPRINGFIELD HOSPITAL, EXAMINING ROOM- DAY
Homer sits on a patient examining chair and eats candy. Marge stands
beside him.
MARGE
(ANNOYED) Homer, do you have to eat
candy everywhere we go?
HOMER
(POUTING) But I skipped breakfast this
morning.
DR. HIBBERT holds a chart in his hand.
DR. HIBBERT
I'll say, Homer, you darn right fought this
off for so many years.
HOMER
Fought what off?
DR. HIBBERT
Diabetes, of course.
Marge frets. Homer hugs her and tenses up.
MARGE
(FRANTICALLY) Is Homey alright? Are you
gonna put him on medication? Insulin?
Good lord, we might even have to see a
lawyer if he's gonna...
DR. HIBBERT
(CONSOLING) No, Mrs. Simpson, nothing
to be alarmed about. Not yet, that is. He-

he-he.
Homer exhales a sign of relief.
HOMER
(RELIEVED) And I thought I was gonna be
making a visit to that far away place in
the sky. (SARCASTICALLY) Wrong again!
DR. HIBBERT
(ADMITTING) Homer, you really need to
take this seriously. You're borderline
diabetic.
HOMER
(JOKING) Is that all? I guess I'll just have
go pee pee in the potty more often. Go
on, Doc, prescribe me the pill. Let my
pee pee go!
DR. HIBBERT
(ADMITTING) No, I said diabetic. Not
diuretic. He-he-he!
HOMER
(CONFUSED) Diabetic? That's...that's...
Dr., Can you help me out, I failed biology
in high school.
DR. HIBBERT
(ADMITTING) Let me put it this way.
Homer, the sweet life is over.
HOMER
(CAREFREE) Nah, it's only just begun.
Homer puts the candy to his mouth. Doctor Hibbert pulls it away.
Homer frowns.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(DEPRESSED) Oh!
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM- NIGHT
Homer sits on the couch. He watches television and drinks a diet Buzz

soda. Lisa rests on the floor and writes in a notebook. Maggie plays
with blocks. Bart sits on the floor and eats candy.
HOMER
(HAPPILY) Time for something
scrumdiddlyumptious.
Homer reaches for the candy.
BART
No way, man, you heard what Mom
said before. Talk to her.
HOMER
(CHILDISHLY) That's right. Talk to Mom.
Marge!
Marge walks into the room in an apron.
MARGE
(DEMANDING) Homer, I told you before,
you need to stop eating sweets.
Remember what the doctor said?
HOMER
(LYING) An apple pie a day keeps the
doctor away.
MARGE
(ANNOYED) That's not what he said. He
said eating all those sweets will have
your heart pumping rapid beats.
HOMER
(SURPRISED) A rhyme game! Me next!
MARGE
(DEPRESSED) I give up.
Bart looks at a magazine.
BART
(SHOCKED) Wow, the new Megadeath
game on the Wii! Mom, can I get it?
MARGE
Bart, I told you, not until you
clean your room. Have you?

BART
(AVOIDING) Have I what?
MARGE
Cleaned your room?
BART
(AVOIDING) Let me get back to you on
that one.
MARGE
Well?
Bart pauses. He doesn't know what to say.
MARGE (CONT'D)
(ACCUSING) See?
BART
(TRICKING) Mom, did you ever hear of an
un-birthday gift?
Marge groans and goes back into the kitchen.
Bart turns a channel on the television.
HOMER
(POUTING) Why'd you do that for?
BART
Don't you remember, Homer? It's
Monday night.
HOMER
(CONFUSED) So...
BART
Don't you remember what's on?
Homer thinks to himself.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Need sugar. Can't
remember. Monday night. Munchies.
Aaaa...

FLASHBACK
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, FLASHBACK- NIGHT
Homer sits on the couch. He drinks Duff Beer and eats potato chips
and candy as he watches television.
An ANNOUNCER'S voice comes from the television.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Tonight, the moment we've waited
for all summer long is finally
here. Will Kimberly's bombs wipe
out everyone at 4616? Tune in
tonight for the shocking season
premiere of Melrose Place on FOX.
HOMER
(CHILDISHLY) Marge, bake me a
chocolate bombe!
Marge walks into the living room.
MARGE
Why? You never wanted one before.
HOMER
(POUTING) Marge, tonight's the bombing
of Melrose Place, and you can't have
Melrose Place blowing up without a
chocolate bombe!
MARGE
Homer, I...
HOMER
(POUTING) Marge, please, a bombe for
the debut of the bomb.
Marge groans.
BACK TO
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

Bart puts his hands out at Homer, who daydreams.

BART
Hell-o, earth to Homer, do you know
what time it is?
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Melrose
Place. Bombe. Chocolate. Aaaa...
BART
(ANNOYED) Mom, he's doing it again.
Marge walks into the living room.
MARGE
It's the sugar craze. We need to
watch his every move, kids.
BART
Homer, snap out of it.
HOMER
(CONFUSED) Huh?
BART
The Incredible Dare Devil Show is
on, man.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Devil's food
cake. Aaaa...
MARGE
(DEMANDING) Homer, you're
borderline diabetic.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...border.
Churrus.
Marge groans.
Lisa looks at the television and smiles.
LISA

Look at this, they're showing an ad

for a baking contest.
Marge looks at the television and gasps.
An ANNOUNCER'S voice comes from the television.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Next weekend, folks, it's that time
of year again. Breads, cookies,
pastries, you name it, they'll bake
it. People will come from all
around the area to take part in the
yearly Millsburry Bake-Off.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) The Millsburry BakeOff. Aaaa..
The Announcer's voice comes from the television again.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And, returning this year is our
eleven year champion, Ms. Betty
Rocker of Craystown.
Marge's face grows angry.
BART
Betty Rocker? The cake lady?
MARGE
(TICKED) Hmph!
BART
Mom, are you okay?
LISA
What's wrong, Mom?
HOMER
(CHILDISHLY) Marge, bake me a churru.
MARGE
(MADLY) No! No Bake-Off!

Marge slams her hand on the TV tray, stuff on top of it falls to the floor.
HOMER, BART AND LISA
Huh?
MARGE
You might as well know. Years ago
in high school, My cooking teacher
loved my baked Alaska.
HOMER
(IN AWE) So do I.
MARGE
It was so good, she told me I
should bake it in the Millsburry
Bake-Off.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Alaska.
(PUZZLED) How can you bake something
frozen?
MARGE
I went to the Bake-Off with your
father, and there I met her, miss stuck-up
of the kitchen...Betty Rocker.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Betty
Rocker.
MARGE
Betty and I were next to one
another, cooking our own desserts.
What I didn't know was we were both
cooking the same thing.
Bart and Lisa gasp.
BART
So did you win?
MARGE
(SADLY) No. Betty did. My dish melted by

the time the judges got to me. I can't see

how.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Melting ice
cream. Aaaa...
MARGE
(MADLY) She got first place while I was
left with a pile of glop.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm.... (CONFUSED)
Was it dirty glop or sweet glop, honey?
MARGE
(UPSET) Homer, stop talking about my
food.
HOMER
(POUTING) But you cook it so well.
LISA
Mom, you've had so many years of
experience cooking for us, why not
go back this year and show Betty
you can beat her?
BART
(TEMPTING) Come on, Mom, do it!
HOMER
(CHILDISHLY) Yeah, do it, Mom! Do it! You
rock!
MARGE
Homer, are you saying what I think
you're saying?
HOMER
You make the most delicious cookies
I've ever tasted, better than those
ones by Mrs. what's her face?
MARGE
(CONFIDENTLY) Get my baking supplies
ready, kids, we're going to Millsburry!

BART AND LISA

(EXCITED)Yay!
HOMER
(OVERLY EXCITED) Woo-hoo!
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
FADE IN:

INT. MARGE'S STATION WAGON- DAY

Homer drives as Marge sits in front with Maggie on her lap. MILHOUSE,
Bart and Lisa sit in back.
MILHOUSE
Thanks, Mrs. Simpson, for inviting
me to the Bake-Off.
MARGE
No problem, Milhouse.
MILHOUSE
I developed my own taste for
baking, too.
MARGE
(PUZZLED) Really? I didn't know you
cooked.
MILHOUSE
(JOKING) Ever since my Dad moved out,
I've been hanging around my Mom a lot. I
eat seconds now since I'm the only man
in her life.
Milhouse chuckles.
BART
(LAUGHING) Mama's boy.
MILHOUSE
I wouldn't be talking, Bart, you
tagged along to this event as well.
LISA
If you thought cooking was girlish,
why didn't you stay home?
BART
Okay, okay.
Bart looks at a magazine.
BART (CONT'D)
But no boy is girlish with the
new Megadeath video game!
(CHILDISHLY) Mom?

MARGE
(ANNOYED) Bart, not again.
BART
(WHINY) Come, on, Mom!
MARGE
(UPSET) Enough with the game.
Bart shows Milhouse his can of expanding powder.
BART
Check this new stuff out, it's
called expanding powder. Bought it
at the magic shop.
MILHOUSE
(IN AWE) Wow, cool!
BART
It says to proceed with caution. It
can make a few certain things
expand and grow larger, sometimes
many times their size.
MILHOUSE
Wow, could you imagine if we did
that to a purple squishy?
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...purple. Look,
a donut shop! That reminds me, I need to
take a whiz.
MARGE
(UPSET) Homer, don't you even...
HOMER
(AVOIDING) That diuretic Dr. Hibbert gave
me the other day really works.
MARGE
(MADLY) Homer, quit talking such
nonsense. There was no diuretic.
HOMER
(CHILDISHLY) Look, it has a drive-thru, we

won't even have to get out of the car. I

can let it flow in the window.
BART
(SHOCKED) Sick, man, in public?
HOMER
(CHILDISHLY) That's what drive thru's are
for. A fast grab n' go. No waiting in line in
the lobby. Sweet! (IN A LOW MOAN)
Mmmm...
Homer gets out his wallet and looks at Marge who grimaces.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(UPSET) D'oh!
MARGE
(HAPPILY) Homer, I brought you
something better than a donut.
HOMER
(SURPRISED) A dozen donuts?
MARGE
(TEMPTING) You'll see in a second.
Marge gets out sugar free chocolate.
MARGE (CONT'D)
(HAPPILY) Ta-da!
HOMER
(SURPRISED) Chocolate! I love you!
MARGE
Here you go, Homer. Help yourself.
Homer grabs the box, rips open a wrapper, and takes a bite. He spits it
out.
HOMER
(ANNOYED) Ew! This isn't chocolate.
MARGE
It's sugar free and good for
your heart.

HOMER
(SADLY) Why does everything I eat have
no more love in it?
MARGE
That's not true, I make everything
with care.
HOMER
(POUTING) Sugar. It's love, Marge, pure
love, and you robbed me
of it.
Homer cries.
MARGE
(ANNOYED) You think everyone robs you
of food. Don't you remember when Kraft
gave up on Frusen Gldj ice cream?
Homer tenses up. Tears start to fall from his eyes.
MARGE (CONT'D)
Or when Nabisco discontinued
Giggles cookies?
Homer cries like a baby.
MARGE (CONT'D)
Or McDonald's with the McRib, and how
they bring it back just when you least
expect it, months, maybe years later.
Homer bangs his hands on the wheel. He whimpers.
HOMER
(CRYING) It's not fair! It's just
not fair! (ANGRILY) Damn you, evil
corporations! Damn you to hell!
Homer continues to whimper.
MARGE
(HAPPILY) If it helps you can lick the bowl
of my pineapple cheesecake mixture if
you behave and not sneak sweets.

HOMER
(HAPPILY) Woo-hoo!
INT. MILLSBURRY BAKE-OFF CENTER, ENTRANCE- DAY
Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa, Milhouse and Maggie enter the center.
Contestants stand at tables with their baking supplies.
Homer notices a table by the entrance with baking supplies.
HOMER
(CHILDISHLY) Look, Marge, at this table
there's jelly, and sugar, and dough. I
wonder what...
MARGE
(DEMANDING) Don't even think about it,
Homer.
HOMER
(SCARED) Okay.
Homer sobs.
MARGE'S TABLE
Marge looks at her name on a table and approaches it. She gasps when
she sees BETTY ROCKER (40), a pretty faced homely sandy-blonde
woman with sparkling white teeth and an English accent.
BETTY
(SURPRISED) If it isn't Marge Simpson.
How are you, darling?
MARGE
(IRRITATED) Fine. Fine. I'm fine.
BETTY
Any luck with your baked Alaska
these days?
Betty chuckles. Marge twists her eyes.
BETTY (CONT'D)
(DISGUSTED) I see you've brought,
Homer, is it?

Betty grimaces.
HOMER
(HAPPILY) Yes, it is. And what tasty treat
are you cooking today, my dear?
BETTY
(SNOBBISHLY) Seven cheese bread. My
own special recipe I concocted a year
ago. Being eleven time winner of this
event always pays off.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...cheese...
Homer draws closer toward the bowl on Betty's table.
BETTY
(MADLY) Don't you come close to my
dish. I've already had to beat off seven
other brutes who tried to get into my
ingredients.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...ingredients!
So tasty!
Marge groans.
BETTY
(EXCITED) And who are these little
rascals?
Marge yells out and points at Betty.
MARGE
(ANGRILY) My kids, if you don't mind.
Marge settles down.
MARGE (CONT'D)
(APOLOGIZING) I'm sorry, Betty. I've been
going crazy with them the whole ride
here.
Marge shakes her head.
BETTY

Understandable, darling. Weren't we

all like that when we were young?
BART
(ANNOYING) Hi, I'm Bart Simpson, who
the hell are you, lady?
MARGE
(MADLY) Bart, stop that. Show Betty
some respect...
Marge leans down toward Bart.
MARGE (CONT'D)
(UNDER HER BREATH)...even though she
doesn't deserve it.
BETTY
(CONFUSED) What was that?
MARGE
(LYING) I said observe it. Bart, observe
Betty and her cooking skills. The boy
here loves to cook.
BART
I don't...
Marge pushes Bart aside.
MARGE
This is Lisa.
LISA
(POLITELY) Hi. If you'd excuse me, I want
to go check out the vegan dishes.
BETTY
That's a smart child, healthy is
the new way to go, you know.
Milhouse walks up to Betty.
MILHOUSE
(FLATTERED) Hi, I'm Milhouse.
BETTY
You're a Simpson, too?

MILHOUSE
(SURPRISED) Am I?! If you say so!
Anything to rid myself of the shame of
my imperfect family.
BART
(ADMITTING) Milhouse, buddy, what can I
say? We're just as flawed.
Milhouse sighs.
Maggie dawdles up to Betty.
BETTY
And who is this little angel?
MARGE
My daughter, Maggie.
BETTY
What a cute little cookie you are.
Betty pinches Maggie's cheeks. Lisa rushes up to Maggie.
LISA
(AVOIDING) Come on, Maggie, let's go
check out the other dishes.
Lisa and Maggie rush off.
BETTY
If you'll excuse me, darling. I see
someone I know from the Duncan
Fines factory. I got to go mingle.
Betty walks off.
MARGE
Homer?
Homer daydreams.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Cute cookie.

Mmmm...
MARGE
(MADLY) Homer, enough!
HOMER
(CONFUSED) What?
MARGE
Homer, now isn't the time, I really
need to set up for the contest.
HOMER
(WHINY) But, Marge!
MARGE
(MADLY) Homer, don't you ever think of
anyone besides yourself? Always
about you.
HOMER
(CONFUSED) Me?
MARGE
(ANNOYED) Homer, this is my station. I
really need to concentrate today. You can
look at the other dishes while I set up.
HOMER
(CONFUSED) Why?
MARGE
(TICKED) If you're competing with
an eleven time stuck-up winner
you'd understand.
Bart and Milhouse listen.
BART
(PONDERING) Hmmm...
Bart whispers to Milhouse who smiles.

MILHOUSE
(EXCITED) Yeah!
HOMER
(KINDLY) Alright, Marge. We'll leave you
alone. You're a great cook. You'll do fine.
Go get 'em. Come on, kids.
Bart and Milhouse go their separate ways at tables.
Marge glances a sad expression at Homer, who turns back and looks at
her. He holds her hand, kisses her on the cheek, and smiles at her.
Marge's sad face turns to a smile.
Homer walks past Marge's table and observes a bag of sugar at a
nearby table and drools, then looks at Betty as she kneads her dough.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(PONDERING) Hmmm...
Homer thinks to himself and nods.
MRS. FLUTTERWORTH'S TABLE
Milhouse walks by a table where MRS. FLUTTERWORTH (39), a genuine
homely red-head with her hair in a bun, sets up her supplies.
MRS. FLUTTERWORTH
(MOTHERLY) Hello there. I'm Mrs.
Flutterworth. Here for the Bake-Off, dear?
MILHOUSE
(EXCITED) You bet!
MRS. FLUTTERWORTH
That's nice. My daughter's helping
me out today. I'm making triple berry
pancakes with my special homemade
thick syrup.
MILHOUSE
(CONFUSED) Your daughter?
ALICE (9), braces, freckles, and red hair in braids, approaches
Milhouse.

SAMANTHA
Hi, I'm Alice.
Milhouse gapes and drools.
MILHOUSE
(IN AWE) Hi, Alice, I'm Milhouse. You're as
pretty as your Mom.
Milhouse chuckles.
ALICE
Thank you, Milhouse! Do you like to
cook?
MILHOUSE
(HAPPILY) I like to eat.
ALICE
(ANNOYED) Sorry, but I go for the guys
who know how to cook.
NELSON approaches in a chef's uniform.
NELSON
(MADLY) Get lost, Van Houten, this here's
top chef territory.
Nelson punches Milhouse and walks off with Alice.
SKINNER'S TABLE
Bart walks by PRINCIPAL SKINNER'S table. Skinner gathers ingredients
for his dish.
SKINNER
(SURPRISED) Bart! Weird seeing you
here. I didn't know you baked.
BART
(ANNOYING) I don't. I'm here for my
Mom. What are you baking, Mrs. Fields?
SKINNER
(PROUDLY) Bart, someday you'll
appreciate cooking and all the sweet

rewards it has to offer.

EDNA KRABAPPEL approaches.
EDNA
(GIDDY) That's right, Bart, like a whole
lotta sweet lovin from the person the
cook feeds their dish to.
Edna and Skinner snuggle and giggle.
BART
(SHOCKED) I'm out of here.
APU'S TABLE
Lisa and Maggie walk up to APU'S table. He mixes ingredients in a
bowl.
LISA
(SURPRISED) Apu, you're here, too?
APU
Yes, little Simpson's. I'm cooking
a vegan dessert called wheat halwa,
a Southern Indian dessert prepared
for festivities such as Diwali.
LISA
What's in it?
APU
Whole wheat, cardamon, ghee and
sugar.
Homer walks by the table.
HOMER
(IN A LOW MOAN) Sugar...Aaaa...
Homer notices Lisa and Maggie. They point and shake their heads at
him. He sobs and rushes off.
LISA
May I try a sample?
APU

Here you go.

Apu gives Lisa a sample.
LISA
Thank you.
APU
That'll be fifty cents, please.
LISA
(CONFUSED) Huh?
APU
Sorry, but the Quickie Mart needs
updating, she needs all the help she can
get.
Lisa reaches into her pocket and gives Apu the change.
APU (CONT'D)
Thank you, come again.
FLANDERS' TABLE
Homer walks by NED FLANDERS' table. He organizes his table and
ingredients in a neat fashion and wears a pink and white checkered
apron.
NED
(SURPRISED) If it isn't my neighbor,
Home-diddily-omer Simpson! What
brings you here?
HOMER
My wife's in the Bake-Off. Isn't
this for girls? (MOCKING) Wait, you took
on the role of mother to your boys, so I
guess that counts.
Homer laughs.
NED
(PROFESSING) You're wrong. Cooking's a
unisex sport-a-rino. There have been
some fine male cooks throughout history.

HOMER
(SURPRISED) Like the Frugal Gourmet!
NED
(HAPPILY) Right diddily-o, neighborino!
HOMER
What's this you're cooking up?
NED
Why, burnt-sugar chiffon cake.
Homer starts to drool.
HOMER
(CONFUSED) Did you say sugar?
NED
Yes, indeedy!
HOMER
(QUESTIONING) What kind of sugar?
NED
(OVERLY EXCITED) Why burn-diddilyurned sugar, of course, buddy!
HOMER
(ANNOYED) Pass. Burning sugar takes the
fun out of it. It needs to be ingested
naturally, just as God intended.
NED
(PROUDLY) Homer, I never heard you
speak so kindly about the Lord like that
before.
HOMER
Really? I was being honest because
my love's so sweet for sweets.
NED
(PROUDLY) I hear ya. And that's why I
want you to taste a sample of my cake.
HOMER
(SADLY) But it's burnt.

NED
(TEMPTING) It's heaven.
HOMER
(NERVOUS) Heaven?
NED
(TEMPTING) Heaven.
HOMER
(AGREEING) If you insist.
Homer reaches for the plate Ned hands him and a hand pushes it away.
Homer looks down to see Bart, who points and shakes his head.
Homer groans.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(SADLY) Sorry, Flanders
Homer walks off, head down.
NED
(HAPPILY) Come again, neighborino!
MARGE'S TABLE
Marge wears a white apron and works in a proud fashion with her
materials. She mixes her ingredients and pours the batter into a dish.
Betty approaches her.
BETTY
(SNOBBISHLY) By the way, Marge, it's a
good thing you're not baking anything
that's too cold.
MARGE
Why say that, Betty?
BETTY
(CRITICIZING) I wouldn't want to heat it
up.
MARGE
(CONFUSED) Huh?

BETTY
Marge, don't you remember years ago
when you made your dish?
MARGE
(TICKED) Yes, I recall your dessert won
and mine was a bunch of glop. Then you
got your own line of cakes and frosting.
Congrats, once again.
Marge's eyes twist. She turns away.
BETTY
(ADMITTING) You see, I accidentally put a
curling iron next to your dish when you
left your table. I curled my hair before
the judging.
Betty chuckles. Her face turns more sinister with each chuckle.
BETTY (CONT'D)
Something the matter, Marge?
Marge groans and storms off. Betty goes back to her table.
BETTY'S TABLE
Homer listens at a nearby table and approaches Betty.
HOMER
(MADLY) So... the truth finally comes out.
Homer licks his finger, reaches to a bowl of sugar on Betty's table, and
she smacks his hand.
BETTY
(DEMANDING) Don't you touch my prize
winning ingredients!
HOMER
(IN PAIN) Ouch! That hurt!
Homer cries out of control.
BETTY
(RIDICULING) Big baby!

Betty groans, leaves her dough at her table, and walks off.
Homer sniffs, looks at the sugar, sees Lisa and Maggie who point and
shake their heads at him again, sobs, then looks at the dough and
smiles. He chuckles an evil chuckle.
INT. MARGE'S STATION WAGON, DAY
Homer grabs the expanding powder and shakes some of it in a bag.
Bart grabs the expanding powder and puts some in his pocket.
Milhouse grabs the expanding powder and shakes some into his
change purse.
Marge enters the car. She looks at the expanding powder and shakes
her head.
INT. MILLSBURRY BAKE-OFF CENTER, BETTY'S TABLE- DAY
A sign reads "BETTY ROCKER". A lump of dough rests on the table.
Homer sneaks up to the dough, gets out a bag, drops the powder on
the dough, and chuckles.
Bart walks up to the table. He gets a slingshot and shoots the powder
into the dough.
Milhouse tiptoes to the table. He gets out his change purse, sprinkles
some powder on the dough, and giggles.
MARGE'S TABLE
Marge wipes down her table. Her face full of rage. Betty walks up to
Marge and puts her hands on her hips.
BETTY
(SNOBBISHLY) What's wrong, darling?
Can't take the heat in the kitchen?
Marge looks at Betty and groans. Her eyes twist with rage.
A loud WHOOSH sound comes from Betty's table.
BETTY'S TABLE

Betty rushes to her table. Her dough expands out of control.

BETTY
(FRANTICALLY) My dough! My beautiful
dough!
HOMER
(CONFIDENTLY) And that takes care of
that.
Homer wipes his hands and looks up to see the dough expanding out of
control.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(SHOCKED) Dough!
People scream. Homer jumps to escape the dough but gets caught in
it. The force of the dough pushes Homer, other contestants, on-lookers,
and Betty, herself, out the door.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:
INT. MILLSBURRY BAKE-OFF CENTER, MARGE'S TABLE- DAY
Custodians clean up the mess of dough. Homer walks up to Marge with
a shirt full of dough and sobs.
HOMER
(SADLY) Marge, I'm sorry I ruined your
cheesecake. I guess I'm the new Betty
Rocker.
MARGE
(HAPPILY) Actually, Homey, it's fine. It's
been cooling in the fridge the whole time.
Marge opens the fridge next to her station and puts the cheesecake on
the table.
HOMER
(EXCITED) Good sweet lovin!
MARGE
(PUZZLED) Homey, why'd you say you
ruined my dessert? You mean you were
the cause of this?
BART
Coincidentally, Mom, I had a little
role to play in it, too.
MARGE
(BAFFLED) You did?
Marge groans.
MILHOUSE
(EMBARRASSED) Don't forget me, Mrs.
Simpson.

MARGE
(SHOCKED) Boys, I'm surprised at you.
Didn't I ever teach you it's not right to
cheat?
Betty walks through the door, full of dough. She aches and pants as
she walks up to Marge and sobs.
BETTY
(OUT OF BREATH) Marge...
MARGE
(SYMPATHETICALLY) Betty, I'm sorry
about your bread.
BETTY
(APOLOGIZING) I was bound to be
defeated eventually. I want to apologize
for ruining your dessert years ago.
MARGE
(SYMPATHETICALLY) Betty...
BETTY
(PUZZLED) I just don't know how this
happened?
HOMER
(CONFIDENTLY) You can say with a little
help from Marge's hubby, Homer.
BART
(ANNOYING) And her son, Bart.
MILHOUSE
(GIDDY) And her other son, Milhouse
Simpson!
Milhouse giggles.
Betty grows angry.
BETTY
(MADLY) You! You did this?!
HOMER
(ANNOYING) Y-ep!

BETTY
(MADLY) I've had it with men! You're all
the same!
Betty storms to the door. As she opens it, stuck dough on the top of the
frame falls over her head. She screams and slams the door.
HOMER
(CONFIDENTLY) And stay out.
LATER
A BAKE-OFF JUDGE (55) grey hair in a chef's uniform, presents a blue
ribbon to Marge.
BAKE-OFF JUDGE
Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson. First
place.
LISA
Yay, Mom!
Bart, Homer, Lisa, Milhouse and Maggie all clap by the table.
Marge walks up to Homer.
MARGE
(UNDERSTANDING) Homey, you know I
didn't want to win this contest by
cheating.
HOMER
Marge, you didn't cheat. The judges
allowed you to stay in the contest.
MARGE
True.
HOMER
(TICKED) They disqualified me, Bart and
Milhouse from it if we ever wanted to be
in it someday. Boy, if I get my hands on
them...
Marge giggles.
MARGE

No, I didn't cheat. But I thought

about it.
HOMER
(PUZZLED) Why didn't you?
MARGE
I had my family here with me. I'd rather
have that than any blue ribbon.
Marge pins her blue ribbon on Maggie and hugs her.
HOMER
Then you're not mad at me?
MARGE
(RELIEVED) After all that's happened,
Betty deserved her fair share. (HAPPILY)
And, Homey, you didn't think about
yourself!
HOMER
Really?
MARGE
You were well-behaved.
HOMER
(BAFFLED) Hmmm?
MARGE
You stuck to your no sugar promise.
HOMER
(EXCITED) Oh!
Homer groans.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(DEPRESSED) Oh...
Homer puts his head down and walks to the corner.
BART
Does this mean I can get the
Megadeath video game now for being
an accomplice in Dad's crime?

MARGE
(AVOIDING) We'll talk about it later, Bart.
MILHOUSE
(EXCITED) Does this mean you can
accept me as a Simpson?
MARGE
(ADMITTING) Milhouse, you're a Van
Houten, just as flawed as us.
MILHOUSE
(EMBARRASSED) I guess you're right.
Milhouse chuckles.
MARGE
(HAPPILY) But I know someone who's
getting a certain something I promised
him.
Homer stands in the corner. He sobs.
MARGE (CONT'D)
Homey?
Marge approaches Homer with a bowl.
HOMER
(BAFFLED) Marge? What's this?
MARGE
Don't you remember? I promised you
can lick the bowl.
HOMER
(SURPRISED) Right!
Homer grabs a spoon, scoops up Marge's excess cheesecake mixture,
puts it in his mouth, and jumps in the air.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(HAPPILY) Sugar-riffic! Woo-hoo!
Marge whispers to Bart, Lisa, Milhouse and Maggie.
MARGE
(WHISPERING) Don't say anything, kids,

but I used sugar free sugar in my

cheesecake. He'll never know.
Everyone tries not to laugh and covers their mouths.
HOMER
(HAPPILY) Good sweet lovin!
Marge tickles Homer's tummy.
HOMER (CONT'D)
(GIDDY) He-hee!
FADE OUT.
THE END