TOPIC

Age discrimination occurs when a decision is made on the basis of

a persons age. In the workplace, these are most often decisions
about being employed in the first place, winning promotions and
being unfairly dismissed. Should age discrimination against older
workers be illegal?
(Hi, John. I doubted that I digressed the main point of the topic, because
this topic focuses on legal or illegal. If I move far away from the subject,
please give me some ideas: how to make a structure of the essay! Thanks
so much! ) See comments below.2a

It is true that age discrimination has become a trend 2 to some extent in

many companies all over the world. Especially when it comes to winning
promotions or being employed, younger workers are likely to be more 3
welcome than older workers. Although the related law confirms that
everyone should be equally treated in the workforce, most of the
companies still ignore it. Discrimination against the senior workers is
definitely illegal. It violates not only the individual willingness rights but
also the equality of the society.

Older people are frequently assumped to be poor in physical and mental

status. It is a common presumption that, as people age, they are likely to
be inflexible and conservative in their minds. Their out-of-dated 4 opinions
are always regarded as an excuse for the company leaders to stop older
workers from getting promoted, because the leaders consider that older
people are unlikely to accept new ideas or keep pace with younger people
when access to the 5 high technology and skills.

However, the senior workers always play an important role in the

workplace due to their many years of working experiences 6 so they
should enjoy the same right as younger people in the workplace to be
promoted or given higher payment as younger people in the workplace.7
Most of the older are confronted with various problems with regard to
technical skills or interpersonal relationships, and these practices their
background 8 enables them to be capable to deal of dealing 9 with more
complex situations that younger workers with little experience might have
trouble tackling. For example, older teachers know much about what
students need and how to deliver knowledge in an effective way.

Actually, it is fair to say that companies should employ people based on

their capability and prior working experiences 6 rather than age. Young
people are not always suitable for all positions such as the team managers
due to lack of experiences 6 and a wide enough range of related
knowledge, although even though10 they are passionate and easily
motivated in the workplace. Anyone who is competent to complete their
work should be equally treated regardless of age.

Comments:
1. Initial word count 336
Can you realistically write this much in only 40 minutes? You only
need to write 250 words (or more). I wonder how long it took you to
write this I would be interested to know.
2. Is this really a new trend? Actually, I think this has traditionally been
the case, and the current trend (making of new laws) is toward the
opposite situation.
2a. I am not sure whether you have digressed here. You have
stated that there are already laws which prohibit age
discrimination, and you have presented clear argument to
support these laws, so to that extent, you are on topic.
However, your opening sentence in the introduction paragraph
is contradictory.
3. Comparative adjective required here because you are using the
word than, and making a direct comparison between younger
workers and older ones.
4. out-dated or out-of-date are both correct expressions. Yours is a
mixture of these.
5. This statement is unclear. I am not totally sure what you mean here
My suggestion for greater clarity:
with regard to high technology and skills * This is probably the
best.
6. experience is used as an uncountable noun in this context, so no
plural.
7. This phrase is wrongly placed in this sentence.
8. The word practices is not appropriate here. I suggest the word
background, which should be used as an uncountable noun,
therefore the word enable becomes enables.
9. This clause is very wordy a simpler way of saying this is:
enable them to deal with

10.
These two joining words have quite different meanings. The
correct one for the logic of this sentence is even though.

Task 2
Level 7
Task
Achievement
addresses all parts of the task
presents a clear position
throughout the response
presents, extends and
supports main ideas, but there
may
be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting
ideas
may lack focus

Level 6

50/50. See comments 2

and 2a.
Yes.

Coherence and
Cohesion
logically organises information
and ideas; there is clear
progression throughout
uses a range of cohesive
devices appropriately although
there may be some
under-/over-use
presents a clear central topic
within each paragraph

Grammatical
Range and
Accuracy
uses a variety of complex

addresses all parts of the task

although some parts may be
more fully covered than others
presents a relevant position
although the conclusions may
become unclear or repetitive
presents relevant main ideas
but some may be
inadequately developed/unclear

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

6.5

Coherence and
Cohesion
Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Lexical Resource
uses a sufficient range of
vocabulary to allow some
flexibility and precision
uses less common lexical
items with some awareness of
style and collocation
may produce occasional
errors in word choice, spelling
and/or word formation

Task
Achievement

Assessm
ent

arranges information and

ideas coherently and there is a
clear overall progression
uses cohesive devices
effectively, but cohesion within
and/or between sentences may
be faulty or mechanical
may not always use
referencing clearly or
appropriately
uses paragraphing, but not
always logically

Yes.

Exceeded.

Yes.

7
Yes - exceeded

Lexical Resource
Yes, though some
inappropriate choices,
50/50

Yes maybe more than

occasional

Yes

uses an adequate range of

vocabulary for the task
attempts to use less common
vocabulary but with some
inaccuracy
makes some errors in spelling
and/or word formation, but
they do not impede
communication

Grammatical
Range and
Accuracy
uses a mix of simple and

Yes
Yes

Yes

Yes, Exceeded?

6 6.5

structures
produces frequent error-free
sentences
has good control of grammar
and punctuation but may
make a few errors

Overall Score:

50/50
More than a few errors

complex sentence forms

makes some errors in
grammar and punctuation but
they
rarely reduce communication

Yes.

6.5
6.5