DON QUIXOTE

Written by
Chris Poch

Based on
Don Quixote
by Miguel Cervantes
Draft 2
August 15, 2016

DARKNESS
Then, the screen BURSTS INTO FLAMES.
FANFARE plays triumphantly!
NARRATOR (V.O.)
This is the story of a knight.
AN ILLUSTRATION of a handsome knight and a busty damsel
appears in front of the flames. It is titled, The Great and
Good Mambrino. The illustration fall into the flames.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Though greater than Mambrino or de
Marella or even Amadis of Gaul, his
tale has never been properly told.
ANOTHER ILLUSTRATION appears, of a knight astride a mighty
stallion. As The Legend of Renaldo de Marella burns, we
see it is a PAPERBACK BOOK.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Many have tried, but they
misunderstand. They make mountains
where none exist and become as
unreliable as the famed knight
himself.
A KNIGHT APPEARS! Unflinching, he slides into frame,
oblivious to the fire all around him. He looks like a
mannequin.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
There have been plays and musicals
and comics that claimed to relate
his exploits and even that old
Spanish book, but, overly long and
out-dated, it is little read.
THE OBVIOUSLY-FAKE KNIGHT hovers over the flames.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
History, as the great knight will
teach us, is made fresh each day.
So here, presented to you for the
very first time, is the one hundred
percent true tale of that great
hero-IN SLO-MO, the knight falls.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The Ingenious Gentleman...

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

The expressionless knight disappears into the flames!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Don Quixote of La Mancha!
O.S. -

A MAN WEEPS
CUT TO:

A mans feet, toes up - hes sitting on the floor..

O.S. - more WEEPING.
PAN OVER, down the pajama-clad legs, up to hands holding an
old leather-bound volume, The True Adventures of Amadis of
Gaul. Tears drop onto the pages from
THE SOBBING FACE OF DANNY KEHOE (50), lips quivering through
his ratty beard and unkempt hair. He sits on the floor,
reading and crying.
DANNY KEHOE
She then did swear that never had
she seen a man so comely in grief
nor one of such manners in poverty,
nor a man so young of such
discourse and reason.
(SOB, SOB)
Mabilia cries that the melancholy
man who lives upon the Poor
Eock...
(getting louder)
And calls himself Beltenebros, by
all that I can learn from
Corisanda... must be Amadis!
Danny is overcome with emotion, sniffing and sucking in air
as he continues, more loudly.
DANNY KEHOE
Oriana lifted up her hands, Lord
of the world, know by his brave
death the glory he--
VOICE
Uncle Danny?!
AHH!

DANNY KEHOE

In the doorway is JANELLE (30?), his tired-looking niece.

JANELLE
Its three-fifteen in the morning.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

He looks confused.
JANELLE
I thought you were having a
nightmare.
DANNY KEHOE
Perhaps I am. Wouldnt it be
wonderful? To awaken from this
dull, empty night into some bright
day of adventure? Of pain and
beauty? Consequence...
JANELLE
You spend too much time alone.
No answer.
JANELLE
(sighs, worried)
Okay. Why dont you just go to bed
or watch some-(looking around)
Wheres the TV?
He shrugs a guilty shrug.
JANELLE
You sold it. Unbelievable.
really needed more?

You

He shrugs again.
JANELLE
Those things are gonna kill you.
PAN ACROSS THE ROOM to see those things...
BOOKS. Shelves and shelves of books. Piles of books in
drifts on the floor - hundreds, maybe thousands. Romance
tales, comic books, and video games - all about knights.
There are THE BOOKS WE SAW BEFORE, not yet burned. A KNIGHT
ACTION FIGURE (the knight we saw burn?) stands guard on a
shelf. A real sword, won on ebay, hangs on the wall.
Go to bed.

JANELLE

She leaves. Danny sniffs up his tears, tucks Amadis of Gaul

under his arm... and picks up his slippers.
O.S. - the BING-BONG! of a cheap Radio Shack door chime.
CUT TO:

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

INT. EZ MART - WEE HOURS

Danny sets a pint of Haagen Daz Dulce de Leche ice cream on
the counter without looking up from his book.
BRITTANY, the cashier - plump, plain as paper, and bored to
death - is surrounded by displays of snack foods, cigarettes,
ginseng capsules and condoms and by signs for Marlboro,
Lotto, Tabasco and Tylenol. The largest sign is,
coincidentally, a Haagen Daz sign - DULCE DE LECHE. It
hangs over her head like a halo.
BRITANNY
Four sixty-eight.
He hands her a five without looking up. She counts out thirtytwo cents, but he still isnt looking up.
BRITANNY
Your change?
Now he looks up. He takes her in, ignoring her many obvious
flaws and concentrating on-- Her plump, pimply bust in her too-tight shirt...
- Her meaty lips...
- Her deep, blank eyes.
Theres a moment of sweet longing that quickly becomes mildly
creepy. She wipes her nose.
Change?

BRITANNY

He smiles at her.
Change.

DANNY KEHOE
Yes, please.
CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - EVENING

Danny shuffles down the shoulder of the road, head down, deep
into the book. He passes:
A VAST CHEMICAL PLANT, aglow under round-the-clock work
lights.
A CRAPPY OLD MOPED with an even crappier home-made SIDECAR, a
For Sale sign taped to the gas tank.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

AN ENTRANCE SIGN to a subdivision. The sign, neither well

constructed nor maintained, looks like a ruin. We cant
quite read the name on it.
A TRAILER HOME with some PORTLY DUDE out front, half-asleep
in a plastic chair, smoking one of those cherry flavored,
wood tipped cigars. He watches Danny walk past...
Blissfully lost in the tale, Danny sees none of it.
onto the shoulder of the road.
Lights approach.
Broadway star.

He steps

Surely he sees those, hes lit up like a

O.S. - a horn HONKS.

away?

How can he not hear it, only yards

In spite of these warnings, or maybe because of them...

Danny steps in front of the car.
WHAM!!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DANNYS HOUSE - MORNING
The house sits on the neat lawn like a tombstone. A sturdy
brick veneer number without a trace of character, neither
affluent nor poor. Welcome, the doormat says to no one.
IN TIME LAPSE, the sun rises and sets over the house.
INT. DANNYS BEDROOM - NIGHT
Janelle addresses the shape under the covers.
JANELLE
(sweetly)
Uncle Danny?
The shape doesnt respond.
the covers.

She SIGHS, gingerly peels back

Danny is out cold, sporting a black eye and two gashes in his
forehead, partially covered with band-aids. His lip is
swollen. And there, in his hand as always, is that damned
book. She glowers at it and at the ones all over the room.
Finally, she makes a decision.
CUT TO:

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

FOOMP! FIRE billows into the darkness.

from the opening.

July 22, 2016

This is the fire

PULL OUT to see its in a BARBECUE PIT. Janelle is burning

everything. FOOMP! FOOMP! Books, games, comic books - all
of it. The action figure goes in, as before, and starts
BUBBLING and CRACKLING.
At last she comes to his favorite, the one bound in leather
that hes been clutching - The True Adventures of Amadis of
Gaul. When she tosses it in, it bursts into flames like its
made of gasoline.
The SMOKE billows up and toward the house.
CUT TO:
INT. DANNYS HOUSE, BEDROOM - NIGHT
The finger of SMOKE comes through the window, through the
empty room and settles on the bed. Danny stirs, then wakes
with a COUGH. He sits up, head aching and reflexively
reaches for his book - its gone.
He feels around the bed - the others are gone, too. He looks
up and, through the smoke, sees the clear floor. The empty
shelves. The bare walls.
He leaps up but, being tangled in the sheets, lands on his
head.
Ow.

DANNY KEHOE

He struggles free and feels around the shelves like a blind

man, like maybe his things are there but he cant see them.
DANNY KEHOE
No, no, no, no, no...
His breathing gets shallow and uneven, his eyes water.
feels his injuries.
Hell?!
cell?

He

DANNY KEHOE
Is this my hell, this empty

He stumbles, looks at the window, throws it open. SMOKE

POURS IN. He COUGHS and drops to his knees, head in hands,
engulfed in smoke, crumpled and hoping to die. But then, a
voice.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

ACCENTED VOICE (O.S.)

Yooove soospected all along that
this is nah the woerrrld where ye
belonged. Nah herre at lahst is
the prroof.
Is that a Welsh accent? Has a bad Sean Connery impersonator
entered the room? We stay on Dannys back.
ACCENTED VOICE (O.S.)
Ye, beetter than any mahn aloive,
know the true histories.
DANNY KEHOE
Yes. Ive read them all.
over again.
Aye.

Over and

ACCENTED VOICE (O.S.)

So, ye know whut thus means.

Danny looks up, stunned. He smiles a greeting.

Amadis?

Could it be?

DANNY KEHOE

REVERSE ANGLE - no one is there.

AMADIS OF GAUL (O.S.)
Who, in all the werrrld, woood
steal the sacrrred texts of knoight
errantrrry?
BACK TO DANNY, looking for Amadis.
DANNY KEHOE
I dont know.
ON THE EMPTY ROOM...
AMADIS OF GAUL (O.S.)
Ya do know!
Danny looks at the trail of smoke leading out through the
window. He does know. When he opens his mouth, we see that
Amadis voice comes, of course, from him.
AMADIS OF GAUL (DANNY)
Ya know well who roids a beast thut
would leave behoind such a trrail
of sulphorous breath.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

DANNY KEHOE
No. Yes. Freston! The Enchanter
Freston the Wise and his Accursed
Dragon.
AMADIS OF GAUL (DANNY)
Ah! And who, prraytell, is the
lone enemy, throughout toime, of
thut foul sooorcerer?
DANNY KEHOE
All great knights are his enemy.
He-(realizing)
Freston attacks... only true
knights errant. Only the greatest
among them.
Ah-HAH!

AMADIS OF GAUL (DANNY)

SPARKS fly in front of the window as Danny touches his head

and chest - could it be? Could he be?
AMADIS OF GAUL (DANNY)
Thut wicked magician has been
rrrevealed. The enchantment uhs
lifted! Now, at last ye can cast
off this sad illusion and see yerr
true self!! Yer destiny!
DANNY KEHOE

Yes.
Rrreject
Embrrace
Errantry
to which

AMADIS OF GAUL (DANNY)

this tedious prrrison.
the Code of Knoight
and foind the trrue glory
you were boorn!

Danny stares out the window as he absorbs this new reality.

DANNY KEHOE
Yes. Or die a glorious death in
the attempt.
Danny/Amadis LAUGHS madly as we look out the window at the
smoke.
CUE THE MEDIEVAL METAL MUSIC! (yes, thats a thing).
O.S. - CLLLANG!

Teh sound of the forge!

CUT TO:

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

INT. DANNYS HOUSE, GARAGE - NIGHT

CLANG! A BALL PEEN HAMMER smashes the metal end of a MOP.
Danny rips the strings out, SMASHES it again.
A UTILITY KNIFE slashes through cardboard. SWISH!
He slices the tip off a finger, ignores it.

SWISH!

Like a master craftsman, he checks that the cardboard is

straight and true, though it is neither.
A HOT GLUE gun SIZZLES and BUBBLES. Danny blows on it like a
molten ingot, glues his fingertip back on, then grabs some of
the cut-up cardboard.
DANNYS CRAZED FACE, sports a pair of drug store reading
glasses and a light on his forehead.
Danny wields the hot glue, duct tape, paper mache, spray
paint and bubble wrap, leaning in like Dr. Frankenstein as
the Corvus Corax music pounds.
IN THE MIRROR, he shaves his scraggly beard with his sword!
It doesnt work at all, so he reaches into the tub and grabs
Janelles pink Lady Gillette. Much better.
O.S. SQUEEEAK - a door opens.
CUT TO:
EXT. DANNYS HOUSE - DAWN
The door opens and out steps Danny, resplendent in his
cardboard salet, helmet, breastplate and pauldrons. Over his
greaves (shin guards) are The Scales of Impenetrable Armor.
Actually, bubble wrap. The entire costume is spray painted
silver. Ish. His sword is in a homemade sheath at his hip,
his lance mop is in his hand. He looks ridiculous.
He takes a deep breath of the suddenly fragrant air and
strides forward - SQUEE, SQUEE, SQUEE - the bubble wrap
complaining with each step.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAWN
Danny prances down the roadside, waving his lance mop around,
trying out names.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

10

DANNY KEHOE
To your knees, knave! I am Sir
Daniel!
(nah)
I am Lord Kehoe the Magnanimous!
Dan the... Illustrious! Sir
Sansabelle!
Alone in the sunrise, he prances around, shouting names to
the heavens.
DANNY KEHOE
El Pescator! Monsieur de la
Hoosey! Don-- oooo! Don. Don...
Something! Don Daniel de la Kehoe!
He prances around, saying it.
DANNY KEHOE
Don Dan Quixhoe! Don Danny-- no.
Don Quixhoe. No. Don...
Quixotellano!
(practicing)
Thanks and praise to you, great
and noble Don Quixotellaneo.
He SQUEEs past the entrance sign for the subdivision and
this time, in the dawn light, we can read the name as he
strides past - Rancho La Mancha Estates.
He steps onto the highway, looks around, hands on hips,
realizing that he should do something before he begins. He
decides to kneel.
DANNY KEHOE
(kneeling)
Let the world forever mark-No, thats not right. He stands, raises his sword aloft and
addresses the heavens.
DANNY KEHOE
Let the world forever mark this
day, the day that great and valiant
knight set forth to reclaim his
glory, to live a life of
consequence and to restore the
promise of chivalry and greatness
to these corrupt and empty times.
Let his name moisten the lips of
the people for all eternity, for I
am...

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

11

(beat...)
Don Quixote of La Mancha!
Terribly satisfied, he sets off.

SQUEE, SQUEE, SQUEE...

He walks past The Portly Dude, still in his chair, whos been
watching from a distance.
CUT TO:
EXT. FIELD - DAWN
In the low sun is the silhouette of something grazing near
the road.
SQUEE, SQUEE, SQUEE...
MOMENTS LATER, the silhouette of the great knight approaches,
kneels and extends a hand, palm up to the beast. RACK FOCUS
to see that the animal is-THE MOPED. The knight holds his hand under her headlight,
letting her have a good sniff. Then, once he has her trust,
he strokes her gently between the handlebars.
Shh...

DON QUIXOTE

Having put her at ease, he draws his sword.

DON QUIXOTE
Rejoice, noble nag! In honor of
your beauty and breeding, and also
your sharp defenses, I dub thee-He whacks her on either handlebar with the sword.
Rosacea!

DON QUIXOTE

He kisses her on either side of the headlight, leaps onto her

back, STOMPS the kickstarter. PLLTTPHT! She SPUTTERS to life!
He zooms off, the For Sale sign wafting to the ground
behind him, the tailpipe coughing up smoke.
BY THE ROAD, The Portly Dude watches, smoking his cheap, woodtipped cigar as Don Quixote zooms past.
IN A SWEEPING SHOT FROM ABOVE, Don Quixote rides down the
empty highway.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

12

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And so the great knight set off to
find those adventures required to
bring him fame and glory. Of
course, he lived in an ordinary
place and time, where there were no
adventures to be found.
Horizon to horizon, there is nothing out of the ordinary.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Unless youve gone insane.
The moped makes a sharp turn off the highway and into a
field.
DON QUIXOTE
THANK YOU, OH LORD, FOR THIS MY
GLORIOUS OPPORTUNITY TO EMBRACE
DANGER AND TO COURT DEATH!
He opens up the throttle.

GGRRRMMM!!

PANCHO
Fly, Rosacea!!
He rides at full speed across the grass, lance pointed
forward, BOUNCING and WEAVING. Unable to control it with one
hand, he loses control and CRASHES the moped, SLAMMING to the
ground.
Undeterred, he gropes around on all fours and finds the mop
lance, which is snapped in half. Dammit. No matter! He
leaps to his feet, draws his sword and runs as fast as he can
toward-AN OIL PUMP, GRRRINDING up and down in the morning light.
Don Quixote attacks! WHANG! WHANG! WHANG!
CLANGS his sword against the machine.

He pointlessly

DON QUIXOTE
DIE, FOUL BEAST! YOUR WICKED REIGN
AGAINST THESE LANDS SHALL END AT
THE END OF THIS, MY ARM!
CLANG! CLANG! ABOVE HIM, the monster says nothing, raises
its great head, GRINDING and MOANING.
DON QUIXOTE
I COMMEND MY BODY AND SOUL IN THIS
(CLANG!) HIGHLY DANGEROUS EFFORT
(CLANG!
(MORE)

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

13

DON QUIXOTE (CONT'D)

CLANG!)TO MY ONE LOVE, CAPTOR OF MY
HEART, THAT NOBLE (CLANG!)AND
PEERLESS BEAUTY-He stops, looking perplexed. He puts his hands on his hips,
panting heavily. He has no idea to whom he is pledging his
life.
QUICK SHOT OF - Brittany of the EZ Mart, under her ice cream
sign, pimply chest heaving.
BACK TO SCENE.

Aha!

DON QUIXOTE
TO THAT PEERLESS BEAUTY, THE LADY
DULCE DE LECHE! OF... TABASCO!
CLANG! Another blow to the pump-monster then the crazed
knight begins to climb the oil pump.
Feet slipping at every step, the brave and deeply insane
knight climbs to the very top and plunges his sword into the
great beasts neck. The head, of course, continues to
CRRRREAK upward, pinching the sword and twisting it, sending
Don Quixote flying off his perch.
WHAM! He lands on his back under the head of the pump.
lays there a second, then looks up

He

CRRRREAK... the big steel head is now coming back down, right
toward him. Don Quixote raises his sword in front of his
face.
DON QUIXOTE
Now I have you, odious Giant of
Andecoria!
He thrusts the sword upward to impale the giants head.
Instead... WHANG! The lowering oil pump shoves the hilt of
the sword back into his forehead with terrible, crushing
force. Had the sword been an inch longer, hed be dead. As
it is, hes just concussed.
He lies there, looking terribly confused.
DON QUIXOTE
What have I not done?
DON QUIXOTES POV - the great head of the beast rises slowly
away from him.
INTO FRAME leans the face of the Portly Dude, whose name is
PANCHO. Their eyes meet for a beat, then Don Quixote grabs
him by the shirt.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

Of course.

July 22, 2016

14

DON QUIXOTE
A squire...

He grabs Pancho by the shirt, pulls him close.

DON QUIXOTE
Did you see it?
PANCHO
Youre dressed like a knight.
DON QUIXOTE
How else would I dress?

Assist me!

Pancho helps Don Quixote to his feet.

DON QUIXOTE
Did you not just see here a hideous
giant? With a moist and bilious
eye? Did you not smell the
creatures putrid breath?
PANCHO
Uh, I just saw the oil machine.
Don Quixote looks up at the oil pump.

Huh.

DON QUIXOTE
That cannot be. Only a fool would
attack a machine, and I, as you
know, am less a fool than any man
alive...
He adopts a heroic pose, though hes obviously in pain. They
stare at the CRREAKING pump, quite confused. Then...
DON QUIXOTE
Well, clearly... clearly Freston
the Wise, that envious wizard,
metamorphosed the giant, at the
last second, into this iron beast
to deprive me of my glory.
(turning to Pancho)
And since, obviously, such spells
only work on the acute senses of
knights errant, the fact that it
was all invisible to your simple
Squires mind is the proof!
He spins and strides toward Rosacea, leaving Pancho
completely baffled.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

15

DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, when a knight errant
strides forth, his squire follows.
PANCHO
Im your squire?
DON QUIXOTE
Only you, Sancho, would have your
senses scrambled by a blow to
another mans head. Of course you
are my squire.
FLASHBACK.
At Panchos trailer, the door flies open and his messenger
bag sails out and hits the dirt.
PANCHO (O.S.)
Baby, cmon.
He comes out after the bag. The second hes out, a SHOE
flies out and hits him in the head. The door SLAMS behind
him and the locks CLICK. He SIGHS, picks up his stuff, then
shuffles over and flops into the plastic chair.
BACK TO SCENE
A sly, stupid grins sneaks onto Panchos face as Don Quixote
mounts the moped.
PANCHO
So, I get paid, right? I need a
hundred fifty-five dollars.
DON QUIXOTE
You shall receive all that you
require and more. I give you my
word.
Off Panchos grin
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The moped PUTTERS down the highway, overloaded by the
cardboard knight and with his squire, stuffed in the sidecar,
wearing knockoff Ray Bans and enjoying the breeze.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

16

NARRATOR (V.O.)
With his lady love in his heart and
his loyal squire by his side, Don
Quixote did what knights errant
throughout the histories did before
him...
QUICK SHOTS
A CAR zooms down the highway, then slams on the brakes. IN
FRONT OF IT, Don Quixote stands in the lane, sword drawn and
pointed at the car.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He repelled invaders.
Don Quixote KICKS the car and SLAMS his sword on the hood.
The TERRIFIED WOMAN in the car reverse, turns around and
speeds off.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He suffered great deprivations...
Pancho, exhausted, pushes the moped as Don Quixote prances
ahead.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Until rations could be won.
IN A GAS STATION, Pancho fills the mopeds tank. Don Quixote
takes off without paying and Pancho has to run behind and
catch up.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He single-handedly defeated a great
army...
IN A MEADOW, Don Quixote strides toward us, splattered with
blood, his bloody sword in his hand.
Behind him is a HERD OF GOATS, several of which lie dead and
bloody in the grass.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And freed a holy shrine from the
flags of the infidels.
IN A BACK YARD, he hacks clothes off a clothesline, the poles
of which look a little, if you squint, like crucifixes.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
But his thirst for danger and feats
of noble daring-do would not be
sated.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

17

HIGH ATOP A PUMP STATION TOWER, Don Quixote peers at the

horizon through his cupped hands, which he thinks are a
telescope. He spies something, smiles.
DON QUIXOTE
Death or glory is mine now.
O.S. - SWOOFTP!
CUT TO:
EXT. SWAMP FOREST - DAY
Don Quixote sits astride Rosacea as Pancho shoves them
through the muck.
DON QUIXOTE
You are in luck, Sancho. Few men
ever witness the very method of
trickery used by the great Renaldo
De Marello to defeat the Thousand
Bulgarians and their Tiger Army.
Pancho GRUNTS and pushes.
PANCHO
He defeated an army of Bulgarian
Tigers?
WHAP!

Don Quixote slaps him in the face.

DON QUIXOTE
Bulgarian tigers?
Ow.

PANCHO

DON QUIXOTE
As you know from our many travels
to that great land, there are no
tigers in Bulgaria. They were
obviously brought in from India or
China or some such tiger-bearing
realm and merely employed by the
Bulgarians. Still, the strategy is
sound.
PANCHO
How are we gonna employ tigers?
SLAP!

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

Ow.

July 22, 2016

18

PANCHO

DON QUIXOTE
Do you know how distant we are from
Bulgaria? No, it is De Morellos
other tactic we shall use.
CUT TO:
DON QUIXOTE, helmet off, sits on a log, perfectly still. He
nods. SPLAT! A handful of mud hits him in the face. Pancho
rubs it in, grinning.
More.

DON QUIXOTE

Pancho is more than happy to comply. SPPLAATTTT! he throws it

much to hard, rubs it in roughly.
DON QUIXOTE
Let us see that foul wizard Freston
work his magic against me now - I
shall be as invisible as he!
CUT TO:
EDGE OF WOODS - EVENING
The two not-invisible morons, COVERED WITH MUD and POORLY
DISGUISED AS SHRUBS, infantry crawl across the forest floor.
Several bubble-wrap bubbles POP.
DON QUIXOTE
(loudly)
Quiet, Sancho!
PANCHO
That wasnt me, that was-Sh!

DON QUIXOTE

As they near the tree line, we hear HIGHWAY SOUNDS.

DON QUIXOTE
Remember, you may only assist me if
I drop my sword or...
(thinking...)
Or if I need to be administered a
poultice due to a grave and bloody
wound.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

PANCHO
A poultice?
Don Quixote swoons, lost in his imagination.
DON QUIXOTE
In the pursuit of arms, Sancho,
death is your constant companion.
It is likely that I shall be
disemboweled or receive a deep
wound to the head in a battle
against a hundred of my enemies.
(turning serious and
vulnerable)
And when I lay upon the ground,
taking my final sweet breaths, it
will be you, my Squire, who will
weep for me, your tears falling
like rain upon me. Heartbroken,
you will hear my final words, in
which I will bravely pledge my love
to my Lady. You will no doubt
remove my helmet, to better hear my
devotions. Then, as tribute to me,
you will decide to bring that
helmet to the Lady Dulce de Leche
and lay it at her feet. She will
see the marks upon it where I took
my final blows, fearless and
unwavering in my bravery and my
devotion, and I will at last be
worthy of her perfect love. And
surely an epic poem about me will
be written by some admirer or
other.
He looks expectantly into Panchos face.
DON QUIXOTE
It is only by facing death that one
is truly alive.
PANCHO
Whats a poultice?
SLAP!
Ow.

PANCHO

Don Quixote leaps to his feet.

19

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

20

DON QUIXOTE
(standing)
FOR GOD AND HONOR!
He charges out of the woods and Pancho follows, rubbing his
cheek, wondering what silly-assed thing the deranged knight
is running toward. He stops short when he sees-A WORK GANG OF PRISONERS in their orange jumpsuits picking up
trash. TWO SHERIFFS DEPUTIES are only a few yards away, but
cant hear over the DIN OF TRAFFIC and their LOUD RADIO.
PANCHO
Youre attacking them?!
DON QUIXOTE
Attacking them? Of course not.
am liberating them! AGHHHHH!!!

WHAM!! He hits Deputy #1 in the head with the hilt of the

sword. His commitment is so complete that he hits
surprisingly hard, knocking the guard out.
AGHH!!

PANCHO
Thats a cop!

ON THE DEPUTYS PHONE, the red light is lit - he was taking a

video selfie. His phone still is.
WHAM! Deputy #2 breaks Don Quixotes nose with the clipboard
he was holding as his coffee goes flying. He kicks Don
Quixote in the kneecap as he reaches for his gun, but being
unused to firing it, he struggles with the strap. Don
Quixotes sword is in his face.
DEPUTY #2
You screwing the pooch!
DON QUIXOTE
REPENT, SLAVER! A knight errant
cannot abide servitude!
(to Pancho)
Collect their weapons!
PANCHO
You said I wasnt supposed help.
DON QUIXOTE
Im making an exception!
PANCHO
(to unconscious Deputy #1)
Im really sorry. I thought he
only attacked goats.
(MORE)

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

21

PANCHO (CONT'D)
(confiding)
Hes kinda crazy.
DEPUTY #2
You screwing the pooch, baby.
feel me?

You

Pancho gingerly takes the gun from Deputy #2, holds it like
its radioactive.
DEPUTY #2
You screwing the pooch!
DON QUIXOTE
(twisting the sword)
Speak again and lose the ability.
Now, let us see how you enjoy
bondage, villain!
(to Pancho)
Bind his hands.
Oh, man...

PANCHO

He handcuffs the Deputies as Don Quixote stomps toward the

van. But...
Deputy #2 manages to reach his belt and... FFFFFTTTT!!!!
PANCHO
AGHHHHHH!!!!!
From behind his back, the deputy has pepper-sprayed Pancho,
who reflexively kicks him.
PANCHO
AGGGHHH!!!!
Sancho falls to the ground, rubbing his eyes madly.
AGHHHHHHH!

PANCHO

DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)

Silence, Sancho!
ON THE ROOF OF THE VAN, Don Quixote peels off most of his
camouflage to reveal his no-less-ridiculous knight costume
and his bloody nose.
PANCHO (O.S.)
AGGGHHHH!!!

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

22

DON QUIXOTE
(stage whisper)
Sancho!
Pancho whimpers more quietly as Don Quixote resumes his
glorious pose and addresses the prisoners.
DON QUIXOTE
GREETINGS, SLAVES!
The work crew - mostly black - looks up as one.

Slaves?

DON QUIXOTE
I, Don Quixote of La Mancha, hereby
liberate you! Go, wretched
servants, to my Lady Dulce de Leche
and say, Don Quixote of La Mancha
dedicates his victory to you,
peerless lady and captor of his
heart!!
One young meth-head runs.
Yes!

DON QUIXOTE
Taste your sweet freedom!

None of the others run.

PRISONER #1
Man, I had six weeks left.
PRISONER #2
Who you thinks gonna go down for
this, huh?!
A half dozen angry criminals CHARGE THE VAN.
Run!

PANCHO

Don Quixote slides off the van onto his ass - WHAM! - gets up
and limps furiously after Pancho back toward the woods,
chased by prisoners.
DON QUIXOTE
Ingraaaates!
IN THE WOODS, Pancho and Don Quixote CRASH in.
Don Quixote leaps onto Rosacea and tries the kick-starter she wont start. He unsheathes his sword, hands it to
Pancho, who turns toward the oncoming prisoners, no idea what
to do.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

The prisoners crash into the woods.

around SCREAMING.

July 22, 2016

23

Pancho waves the sword

PANCHO
(half-imitating Don
Quixote)
Be gone, ingratious wrenches!
The engine CRANKS and sputters to life just a HUGE PRISONER
grabs the sidecar and tugs with all his might. As Pancho
swings the sword around, Don Quixote guns the motor, but the
Huge Prisoner, feet planted, wont budge. GRRRM!!! The
wheel spins, then CRRACK!! the sidecar breaks free. The Huge
Prisoner lands on his ass with the sidecar.
Dapple!

PANCHO

Now freed, the moped zooms off, leaving Pancho behind.

Wait!!

PANCHO

Don Quixote does not wait. Pancho runs and SMASHES into a
tree, still blind from the pepper spray. He leaps up,
staggers at full speed and LEAPS onto the back of the moped
as it zooms away, barely evading the THE FLYING SIDECAR
THROWN AT THEM.
OUT OF THE WOODS and onto the highway, passing the two
SCREAMING shackled guards.
DEPUTY #2
You screwing the pooch!!
DON QUIXOTE
Glory is mine!
Off Panchos look, staring back at the deputies as the moped
heads for the horizon.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CLEARING - EVENING
A few oaks trees stand in a field along the highway, the
remnants of a cane break into which the slowing moped pulls.
DON QUIXOTE
You know, Sancho, I believe one of
those slaves was a criminal.
The moped slows...

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

24

PANCHO
One of them?! They were all
criminals!
DON QUIXOTE
Impossible. Only a fool would
liberate criminals and since I am
certainly no fool, they cannot,
therefore, be criminals.
PANCHO
They were criminals! Except for
the two that were cops. You got me
pepper sprayed. We took their
guns...
DON QUIXOTE
As we should! Munitions are the
devils tool, Sancho. They allow a
weakling to kill a brave man
without ever having to know his
face. Mark my words - gunpowder
will make cowards into kings.
The moped comes to stop in the middle of the field.
hops off, pacing.
PANCHO
Oh, man. What were you thinking?!
I really, really, really cant have
this on my record
DON QUIXOTE
You could no more be responsible
for these actions than Rosacea,
with whom you share my bridle. No,
all credit for this great victory,
Sancho, will be given to me and to
me alone.
PANCHO
(realizing)
Huh. Well... I was just doing what
I was told and you are my boss,
so... so I guess it is all on you.
DON QUIXOTE
Indeed it is.
PANCHO
All the same, we should maybe find
a place to hide and-

Pancho

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

25

Don Quixote turns his back to Pancho and goes COMPLETELY

STIFF.
Boss?

PANCHO

No answer. Pancho walks slowly around the frozen knight and

sees Don Quixotes face has gone rigid.
PANCHO
What are you doing?
Don Quixote doesnt flinch.
Boss?

PANCHO

DON QUIXOTE
(whispering)
Sh. I am in repose. Knights
errant always spend their nights in
repose, standing in a glade,
contemplating and fasting.
Fasting?

PANCHO

DON QUIXOTE
In all the histories I have read,
knights never sleep at all and eat
only at sumptuous feasts. At all
other times, they live only on the
meat of their desires and the
sweetness of their love.
He snaps back into his rictus. Pancho looks around at the
cars on the highway, the setting sun.
PANCHO
So, where do squires sleep?
DON QUIXOTE
The habits of squires are of so
little importance they are never
mentioned.
Pancho has sort of an idea.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

26

PANCHO
So you dont know. Well, I think,
since Im simple and ordinary, as
you keep saying, I probably do
simple, ordinary things at night,
like maybe getting dinner and a
beer.
DON QUIXOTE
(God, that sounds good)
Vulgar desires.
PANCHO
And sleeping inside at, like, a
motel...
A tiny SIGH of imagined pleasure escapes Don Quixote, but he
absolutely cannot admit how wonderful that sounds.
PANCHO
With clean sheets and one of those
big air conditioners that-DON QUIXOTE
Alright! Though I, of course, can
easily endure the nightly knightly
deprivations, it may be
unreasonable for me to expect a
squire to withstand such rigors.
And since, as your master, I am
obliged to care for you, perhaps just this once - we might suffer
such comforts.
Off Panchos smile
CUT TO:
DON QUIXOTE AND PANCHO are looking skyward, lit from above as
by angles.
Wow...

PANCHO

DON QUIXOTE
Do you see, Sancho? When you are a
knight errant, a grateful world
provides your every need and
desire.
ABOVE THEM...
THE BRIGHTLY LIT SIGN for the GOOD KNIGHT INN, featuring a
castle turret logo.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

27

DON QUIXOTE
You will now see how finely a
knight errant is greeted when he
graces the ordinary people with his
favor. We shall be treated well
here.
PANCHO
I smell chicken.
PAN DOWN to
EXT. PARKING LOT, GOOD KNIGHT INN - EVENING
An empty pool, crappy cars, motorcycles, plywood over a few
windows. SOUTHERN ROCK blares from inside.
Don Quixote kisses Rosacea on the speedometer and pushes her
into a space between a smashed up pick-up truck and a tricked
out Kawasaki street racer.
DON QUIXOTE
And remember, Sancho, the
appearance of someone of my stature
and bearing is an extraordinary
event in the lives of the
townsfolk, so we must be careful
how we present ourselves.
Got it.

PANCHO

DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)

Greetings, low-born peasants!
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. COVENTRY LOUNGE, GOOD NIGHT INN - EVENING

The battered, mud-caked idiots in the doorway, one in half a
costume.
DON QUIXOTE
I, Don Quixote of La Mancha, stand
at your service, ready to enliven
your empty and wretched lives.
The room is half-full of unwelcoming faces. OLD ALCOHOLICS,
BROKE FISHERMEN and DERELICTS sip beers and whiskey. Two
derelicts exchange a look - wretched?

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

28

The great knight takes a deep BOW. A big biker-looking guy,

BIG MIKE, LAUGHS a loud and menacing laugh. No one else
flinches.
Don Quixote strides over to a slender, dark, bearded man,
KAMIL.
DON QUIXOTE
(to Kamil)
Servant Boy, bring some oats for my
mount, then fetch the master of
this castle.
Now they LAUGH.

Kamil just stares at Don Quixote.

BIG MIKE
Thats the owner of the place, you
dumbass.
DON QUIXOTE
My deepest apologies, my Lord.
(bowing his head)
Your Moorish countenance is, of
course, the cause of the
misunderstanding.
Oh.

Kamil says nothing.

BIG MIKE
Man, you cant talk to the Camel
like that. Theres not a whole lot
going on in there if you know what
I mean. Just tell him what you
want.
DON QUIXOTE
(to Kamil)
We require a feast.
Off Kamils blank look
CUT TO:
A BEER lands on the counter, courtesy of the bartender,
DOTTY, a young, bitter-looking, high-milage girl.
AT THE BAR, Pancho spoons chili from a Styrofoam cup. Don
Quixote struggles to spoon some through his cardboard helmet
and face plate, dribbling chili through his aching teeth and
fat lip.
THE DOOR OPENS.

Don Quixote watches as

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

29

Two young hookers, NIKKI and LEXI slouch in with a wiry,

tatted up, long-haired little asshole called TROUT. They
fall into a booth, all on their phones. After a beat...
DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)
Fair and virtuous maidens!
Don Quixote is at their table. He bows deeply to the hookers.
DON QUIXOTE
Rest assured, sweet virgin
Princesses, that in my presence you
and your modesty are as safe as if
you were in the womb.
Nikki and Lexi stare blankly, no longer surprised by
anything. The Knight of the Cardboard Armor takes Nikkis
hand and kisses it.
TROUT
No touchie, brah.
talk to me.

Not til you

He kisses Lexis hand.

TROUT
Dammit I said no touchie.
DON QUIXOTE
I assure you my intentions are
chaste.
TROUT
Your ass is bout to be chased
right outta here.
Trout whips out A KNIFE.
and draws his sword.

Don Quixote struggles to his feet

PANCHO
(to Trout)
Whoa, whoa - hey, cmon man, cut
him a little slack.
He discreetly makes the crazy sign around his temple.
TROUT
Imonna cut him more than slack if
he dont stop touching my girls.
Don Quixote levels his sword.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

30

DON QUIXOTE
I must warn you, sir - I am a
knight.
Trout is ready to cut Don Quixote, though he doesnt want to.
TROUT
Dude, you need to put that sword
away before you get yourself
killed. You got a costume and
youre talkin old timey, but
youre not a knight. You know that
right? You are not really knight.
Don Quixotes face sags into a look of horror as the truth
washes over him, like hes waking on his feet. He lowers the
sword and drops to his knees.
TROUT
Didnt think so.
As Trout heads back to his girls, Don Quixote, on hands and
knees, stares at the floor.
Pancho rushes over to Don Quixote.
PANCHO
Whats wrong, Boss?
DON QUIXOTE
I am not a knight errant.
PANCHO
(relieved)
Okay, look, I wasnt gonna say
anything, but, you know, obviously
you-DON QUIXOTE
In every history I have read, there
is a ritual, Sancho. Some manner
of declaration, some official
bestowing of knight errantry. I
have had no such ceremony that I
can recall.
Don Quixote starts crawling around, like hes looking for
something.
DON QUIXOTE
I must find a King or Queen or a
noble of some high standing...

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

31

DON QUIXOTES POV, the lumbering shape of Kamil hovers over

him. Don Quixote grabs his pant leg desperately.
DON QUIXOTE
You, sir. You are the Lord of this
land, are you not?!
Kamil shrugs - he guesses so.
CUT TO:
MOMENTS LATER, Kamil has the sword, Don Quixote is on his
knees. It looks like a beheading.
LEXI
(re Kamil)
Jesus, that dumb A-rab cant barely
talk at all.
DON QUIXOTE
(looking up at Kamil)
All that is required is to speak of
my virtues. And use as many long
and meaningful-sounding words as
possible.
He bows his head again.

Kamil thinks very hard.

BIG MIKE
Were telling ya, dumbass, hes
some kind of a tard. He dont say
dick even when you-KAMIL
(interrupting)
Let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook
that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much
tenderness. To be wounded by your
own understanding of love; And to
bleed willingly and joyfully.
The room falls silent.

Don Quixote chokes back tears.

KAMIL
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of
loving; To rest at noon hour and
meditate love's ecstasy; To return
home at eventide with gratitude;
(MORE)

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

32

KAMIL (CONT'D)
And then to sleep with a prayer for
the beloved in your heart and a
song of praise on your lips.
Khalil Gibran.
Everyone is stunned - even Kamil, whose eyes are moist.
NIKKI
(whispering)
That was goddam beautiful.
Don Quixote clasps Kamil in a WEEPY hug.
DON QUIXOTE
I am forever in your debt.
Kamil hugs him back, smiling.
KAMIL
It was my honor.
Don Quixote kisses the sword and sheathes it.
DON QUIXOTE
I can already feel my love and my
righteous rage becoming unbearable!
(to Kamil)
Prepare a room for my squire. I
must go and contemplate my
disappointment and my pain.
Suffering is essential to success.
Off Kamils sweet smile
CUT TO:
EXT. GOOD KNIGHT INN, BACK ALLEY - NIGHT
Behind the motel, next to the dumpster, Don Quixote stands
like a sentry - an exhausted, beat-up sentry - against a
rotting wooden fence.
INT. MOTEL ROOM, GOOD KNIGHT INN - NIGHT
Pancho sleeps blissfully.
EXT. WALKWAY, GOOD KNIGHT INN - WEE HOURS
Lexi motions Nikki toward a door. Nikki hesitates.
pushes her forward, takes out a small pry bar...

Lexi

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

33

INT. MOTEL ROOM, GOOD KNIGHT INN - WEE HOURS

The door frame next to the knob CRACKS.
Nikki and Lexi slip in.

The door opens and

Nikki stands watch over Pancho as Lexi goes through his

things. He STIRS and the hookers freeze. He resumes his
slumber.
IN THE MESSENGER BAG, theres not much. Half a Powerbar,
nail clippers, one half-smoked cherry cigar.
Pancho stirs. Nikki leans in to block his view of the theft.
His eyes pop open.
NIKKI
(covering)
Hey, baby, I, uh, I thought you and
me might-WHAM!

Pancho punches her, knocking her across the room.

AHHHHH!!

NIKKI

Lexi grabs the only thing she can find - the complimentary
ball point pen - and attacks, stabbing Pancho in the leg.
AGHHH!

PANCHO

WHAM! He shoves her down and leaps to his feet, fists

raised.
The door flies open and Trout is there.
light. Pancho sees the hookers.
Oh, man.

He CLICKS on the

PANCHO

LEXI
He punched Nikki in the head!
Nikki sits up, CRYING, her lip bleeding.
PANCHO
Oh, man! Im sorry.
Were you robbing me?
WHAM!

It was dark!

Trout slams him against the wall violently.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

34

PANCHO
OW! Come on, man. That one
already stabbed me, so were eviesteevie, right?! Please dont kill
me.
TROUT
You punched my girl!
NIKKI
Trout, stop!
TROUT
Shut up, Nikki!
BIG MIKE (O.S.)
Shes right, brah. You might want
to think about the other legal
issues that come into play here.
Big Mikes in the doorway.
TROUT
Well I gotta do something to him.
Big Mike nods, thinks, then grabs the blanket off the bed.
O.S. - AN OVERTURE
CUT TO:
THE SKY, FILLED WITH CLOUDS - PRE-DAWN
Over the music, a chubby silhouette sails up into frame in
SLO-MO, end over end, then falls away again.
PULL OUT to see we are looking over the shoulder of Don
Quixote, who is sound asleep on his feet next to the fence.
Beyond, Panchos flailing figure sails into the air again.
PANCHO
(in the distance)
Ahhhggh!!!
Just over the top of the fence, A HEAD, its wild hair in
silhouette, appears inches behind Don Quixote.
IN THE PARKING LOT, drunks LAUGH and Pancho SCREAMS as, in
just his boxers, hes tossed into the air in the blanket.
AHHHHH!!!!

PANCHO
Come on, man!

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

35

THUD! He smacks the ground just hard enough to hurt like

hell, but not quite hard enough to break anything. Then hes
tossed up again.
ON THE BALCONY, other guests watch, one filming the fun on
his phone.
Boss!

PANCHO
Boss! DON QUIXOTE!

BEHIND THE MOTEL, Don Quixote stirs without opening his eyes.
Sh.
Please!

DON QUIXOTE
PANCHO (O.S.)

DON QUIXOTE
Do not interrupt my contemplation!
PANCHO (O.S.)
Theyre gonna kill me!!
Don Quixote SIGHS in frustration.
DON QUIXOTE
(turning his head)
What is it that you find so
frightening that you must disturb
me as I-- Agh!
Its the silhouetted head, its RED EYES wide!

It HISSES.

Don Quixote draws his sword with a single, violent gesture

and SLASHES.
CUT TO:
THE PARKING LOT, where the drunks happily toss Pancho.
Everyone LAUGHS except Nikki, who looks away and sees...
NIKKI
(pointing)
AHHHHH!!!!
ACROSS THE LOT is Don Quixote, covered with blood, sword held
high, the SEVERED HEAD OF A POSSUM held aloft.
BEHOLD!

DON QUIXOTE

WHAM! Pancho crashes to the asphalt - the guys have dropped

the blanket at the sight of the bloody knight.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

36

DON QUIXOTE
How fortunate you are to bear
witness to my success!
IN THE BG, Pancho gets untangled from the blanket, grabs his
messenger bag from the distracted Lexi. She tugs back and he
gives up, leaving it with her and limping toward the moped in
his boxers. Hes outta here.
DON QUIXOTE
Though obviously too small to be
the Giant of Andecoria, he towered
over me until I relieved him his
head, whereupon his body vanished.
No doubt from some ancient spell.
IN THE BG, the battered, WHIMPERING Pancho jumps on Rosaceas
kick-starter.
Don Quixote extends the head to Kamil.

Lexi RETCHES.

DON QUIXOTE
My Lord, take this tribute to the
peerless Lady Dulce De Leche and
say, Don Quixote of La Mancha
dedicates his victory to you,
peerless lady and captor of his
heart!!
He hands Kamil the possum head, turns crisply, and walks
toward Pancho, whos desperately trying to start the moped.
VRRM! The moped starts. Pancho, badly beaten, struggles to
climb on, clearly trying to leave Don Quixote behind, but Don
Quixote reaches right past him and takes the handlebars.
DON QUIXOTE
Thank you, Sancho.
He climbs aboard and PUTTERS into the darkness, leaving
Pancho to limp after him and leaving Kamil holding the bloody
possum head.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MEADOW - SUNRISE
Wildflowers sway in the morning breeze.
Birds SING.
DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)
It your own fault, Sancho.

A bee BUZZES past.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

37

Don Quixotes hand reaches into frame and plucks a

wildflower.
DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)
Your selfishness brought you this
pain. I should never have given in
to your demands of safety and
comfort. Those things, Sancho,
those things are more dangerous
than a thousand monsters.
PULL OUT - they are in a field of wildflowers. Don Quixote,
crusted in dried possum blood, sits like a child, a handful
of flowers in each fist.
DON QUIXOTE
We could have instead spent our
time here, where all good things
happen and all sweetness is made in nature.
Don Quixote plucks the petals from the flowers.
car whizzes by startlingly close behind him.

VVROOM!

PULL OUT FURTHER - their lovely meadow is actually...

THE HIGHWAY MEDIAN. Pancho is filthy and bruised and
concussed, only about half-conscious.
Don Quixote has some dirty water in an old ALUMINUM CAN.
drops in the flower petals and stirs with his finger.

He

DON QUIXOTE
Nature provides us with all we
need. There is a balm, Sancho,
which only knights errant may
employ. Luckily, I have the sacred
formula hidden away in my mind.
(extending the can)
Behold the Balsam of Fierbas!
IN THE CAN - flower petals, leaves, sticks, a few dead bugs,
a cigarette butt... He LIGHTS Panchos lighter and holds it
under the can.
DON QUIXOTE
It cures any ailment and heals any
wound.
The can - and his fingers - begin to SIZZLE.
PANCHO
Arent you burning your fingers?

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

38

DON QUIXOTE
(yes)
Not at all.
(gritting his teeth)
Besides, the balsam will cure any
slight burns I may sustain.
The liquid smokes and his fingers cook.
Done!

DON QUIXOTE

He quickly sets the can down, shoves his fingers into his
mouth. He blows on them, then takes a gulp of the brew,
burning the hell out of his tongue.
AGHHH!!

DON QUIXOTE

He CHOKES and GURGLES and flails around in pain. But after a

beat, he stops. He blinks like hes seeing the world for the
first time. He looks at his hands, flexes his fingers...
DON QUIXOTE
Oh, sweet elixir...! I can feel
the strength of a hundred - no, a
thousand - men coursing through me.
My every sinew is alive and new.
He leaps to his feet, pretending hes not wobbly and weak and
in pain.
DON QUIXOTE
Praise the heavens! Oh, Sancho, we
knights errant become callous to
the daily miracle of our trade, but
this... this is truly the work of
God.
Don Quixote starts LEAPING into the air and WHIPPING his
limbs around in a celebration of his newfound energy.
DON QUIXOTE
(leaping about)
Ah-ha! Do you believe now in the
Balsam of Fierbras?!
He attempts a cartwheel and falls over, but he pops right up
and jumps up and down, testing his legs. Pancho watches as
the Great Knight bounds around joyfully, convincing himself
of the power of the elixir. Pancho begins to wonder...
Fuck it.

Pancho grabs the can and GULPS.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

39

PANCHO
(grimacing)
Ugh!! Ow. Hot.
He closes his eyes, waits.

After a beat, his eyes pop open.

PANCHO
Whoa. I feel something.
actually working!

This is

DON QUIXOTE
Did you doubt me?
PANCHO
Well, yeah, but, I actually feel...
(squinting)
Something.
His brow furrows.
Oh, God.

PANCHO

Pancho doubles over as Don Quixote drops to his knees, falls

forward onto this hands.
DON QUIXOTE
(groaning)
It is a powerful balm.
Oh.

PANCHO
Oh, no.

Pancho grabs his stomach and rolls onto this side.

PANCHO
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Don Quixote, on hands and knees, TREMBLES and SWEATS.
DON QUIXOTE
(weak as a kitten)
Do you not feel its restorative
power? I feel mighty as a lion...
Pancho pounds his head on the ground.
AHHHHHH!!!
Im dying.

PANCHO
Im dying.

Im dying.

He rolls over, grabs his belly. Don Quixote falls over onto
him, then VOMITS, covering them both in sick as they pass out
cold amid the grasses and flowers.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

40

VOICE (O.S.)
The older one is a paranoid
schizophrenic with grandiose and
violent and possibly suicidal
impulses, mixed with a deep need to
be recognized as special.
CUT TO:
EXT. DANNYS HOUSE - DAY
ON THE WELCOME MAT, two black shoes at the end of very crisp
pant legs.
POLICE DETECTIVE
The younger one, we think, suffers
from extremely low cognitive
function.
PAN UP to meet THE POLICE DETECTIVE, standing perfectly still
as Janelle nervously thumbs through surveillance shots and
dash-cam stills of her uncle robbing a gas station, Pancho
tying up an officer, some bloody goats, the stolen moped, the
possum head...
JANELLE
I dont understand.
POLICE DETECTIVE
Ones completely out of his mind
and the others too dumb to know.
JANELLE
(nervous)
So, uh, where do you think they
might be?
POLICE DETECTIVE
Probably still in the area. Last
sighting was at the Good Knights
Inn on Sixty One. Thats where one
of the instances of ritual animal
sacrifice occurred.
She looks down the road, visibly upset.
POLICE DETECTIVE
Theres no need to worry.
CUT TO:

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

41

EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - MORNING

Don Quixote lies in the weeds - black eye, sunburned and in a
crust of puke. He looks dead.
POLICE DETECTIVE (O.S.)
These two are so divorced from
reality that theyre not even
trying to hide. Well have them
locked away very soon.
After a beat, Don Quixote MOANS.
agony.

Then he rises, clearly in

DON QUIXOTE
Ghah-(no voice)
Ghood(clears his throat
violently)
Huuunngh!!! Aghhhh!
Gruhhghghgh...
(fake cheer)
Good morning, Sancho! Do you feel
as (grrmhn-hnnnn) as restored as I?
This will be a glorious day to-(beat)
Sancho?
He looks around - Pancho is gone.
Half-poisoned, sunburned and beaten, Don Quixote struggles to
board and CRANK Rosacea.
SANCHO!!

DON QUIXOTE

He jumps on the kick starter. His foot slips off and he

flies across the bike, crushing his shitty home-made helmet.
OOF!

Ow.

DON QUIXOTE
Sancho... Sancho?!

ON THE HIGHWAY, Pancho limps down the shoulder. Don Quixote

follows, pushing and trying to kick-start Rosacea.
DON QUIXOTE
Sancho!! I beg you - do not
disappoint yourself.
PANCHO
Oh, that cows already left the
station.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

42

He picks up his pace, which clearly hurts.

DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, I insist you stop at once!
PANCHO
(not stopping)
PANCHO! My name is Pancho! Youve
known me for five years! I live in
your yard. You could at least get
my name right!
Don Quixote furiously stomps the kick-starter.
DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, stop this insolence!!
(I love you)
Please! I am required, by the Code
of Chivalry, to have a squire!
(whipping the motorbike)
After him Rosacea!
GRRRM!! The scooter coughs to life.
the handle bars, but...
WHUMP!
looks.

O.S. - a car door SLAMS.

Don Quixote leans over

Don Quixote turns and

DON QUIXOTE
(sotto)
It cannot be...
Sancho continues to stomp away.
DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)
Sancho, look!
(he does not look)
Do you not see it, glistening in
the sun? The most sought after
relic in all of knight errantry!
SANCHO
Not listening! And not looking!
DON QUIXOTE
It is the Helmet of Mambrino,
surely in the hands of the Thief of
Lapato! This way, my noble squire!
Here is an adventure you do not
want to miss!
WITH PANCHO - O.S. - Grrrm! The mopeds engine REVS, but
Pancho does not allow himself to look back.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

43

BEHIND HIM, Don Quixote leans over the handlebars of the

moped and speeds toward
A RED NISSAN CUBE and a Ray-Ban-and-Beats-wearing HIPSTER,
loading things into the hatchback in his driveway. In his
hands is a SILVER PUNCH BOWL.
GRRRM! The Hipster looks up just in time to see the lunatic
bearing down on him.
DON QUIXOTE
PREPARE TO PERISH AT MY-WHANG!! The Hipster whips a golf club from the car and
clothes-lines Don Quixote, wiping him off Rosacea as the
punch bowl lands in the grass.
HIPSTER
What the hell, jackass?!!
Don Quixote crawls toward the fallen punch bowl.
DON QUIXOTE
The helmet of Mambrino...
WHAM!

SANCHO!

The guy hits Don Quixote again, crushing his shoulder.

Aghh!

DON QUIXOTE

HIPSTER
Seriously? Youre stealing bridal
shower gifts?!
WHAM! This time the club hits him in the ribs, certainly
cracking a couple. But the deranged knight continues toward
the bowl.
HIPSTER
(cocking back the club)
You touch it and I swear Ill bash
your brains out!
Don Quixote looks into the mans eyes and contemplates this
threat. Is it a threat? Or an offer.
He closes his eyes and - like he stepping off a cliff reaches for the punch bowl. The Hipster cocks the golf club
waaaay back, going for the kill. Hes half-way through the
swing when-WHUMP!

Pancho flies into frame and takes him to the ground.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

44

PANCHO
(landing)
OWWW!!!
Sancho!

DON QUIXOTE

Don Quixote rises, manages to pull out his sword and swing it
around, very near the half-conscious mans face.
DON QUIXOTE
The helmet, Sancho!
The what?

PANCHO

Don Quixote points to the bowl.

Pancho grabs it.

Don Quixote hops on Rosacea. This time he waits until Pancho

leaps on the back. VROOOM! The dizzy, angry hipster crawls
toward his phone as the assailants flee.
DON QUIXOTE
(over his shoulder)
Tell the peerless beauty Lady Dulce-AHHH!
The over-burdened moped SLAMS into a hole, bounces up and
WEAVES off. The punch bowl slides down over Don Quixotes
eyes.
DON QUIXOTE
Guide me, Mambrinoooooo!
They wobble and weave dangerously into the other lane. HONK!
Theyre nearly hit by an oncoming car. Pancho reaches
around, grabs the handlebars and points the moped toward a
trail off the side of the highway.
BEHIND THEM, the battered hipster films them on his phone.
The moped careens off the road, onto a SMALL TRAIL.
HOLD ON THE EMPTY HIGHWAY. After a beat, a bicycle rolls
into frame, pedalled by a woman in a dress, a scarf covering
her face.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIL - DAY
The moped chugs down the trail.

Don Quixote is LAUGHING.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

45

DON QUIXOTE
Ha-ha! Sancho, my friend! Such
fine squirely behavior. Your
thoughts were only of me! The
histories will be kind to you.
Pancho drives from the rear, the bowl still covering Don
Quixotes eyes. He pulls the moped to a stop.
PANCHO
I dont care about history. I wont
even be here.
EXT. RIVERBANK - DAY
They are stopped at the edge of the river.
dismounts clumsily.

Don Quixote

DON QUIXOTE
Then why come to my aide?
PANCHO
A hundred forty-five dollars,
thats why. Thats what you
promised me.
He extends his hand for the money. Don Quixote ignores him,
admiring and polishing the helmet.
DON QUIXOTE
Money is vulgar. I keep none of
it.
PANCHO
Wait - what?!
DON QUIXOTE
Knights Errant are above money. In
all of my studies, I have never
known a knight to have a single
penny. He is simply given all he
needs and desires - silks, ermine,
precious oils, Duchies, and
insulas. If its the low pleasure
of treasure you desire, I will
simply bestow these things to you.
PANCHO
Aw, man. Those arent even real
things. Theyre just stuff in
stories. This isnt a story, you
know. This is real life.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

46

Don Quixote smiles like the Buddha, then breaks out LAUGHING.
DON QUIXOTE
(laughing)
Oh, sweet, simple Sancho, life is a
story!
Don Quixote pantomimes a SWORD FIGHT.
DON QUIXOTE
And this story is mine! I write the
dialogue as I speak and the action
as I move. This is true of all
men. People seldom choose to cast
themselves as the villain, but many
choose to be the victim or - worse a bystander. But I have decided
that in this, the story of The
Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of
La Mancha, I shall portray the
hero! And, to write a great an
unlikely story, I must simply do
great and unlikely things.
He begins to dance about playfully, the punch bowl on his
head.
PANCHO
You are so all-the-way crazy...
DON QUIXOTE
Certainly not. I am the sanest man
alive! Only a fool sits still why
the music plays!
(dancing around)
Can you not hear it?
PANCHO
I dont hear anything, and its not
because Im dumb, its because,
like everything, its all in your-Pancho stops, cocks his head.
Oh, no.

PANCHO

O.S. - the sound of beautiful WOMENS VOICES SINGING A

CAPELLA. He can hear them. Pancho grabs his head - is he
going as mad as his master?
PANCHO
No, no, no, no, no...

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

47

DON QUIXOTE
You do hear! The voices of angels,
Sancho! Knights errant are often
lead by angels in this fashion.
Don Quixote, still dancing, leads a reluctant Pancho,
following the sound THROUGH A THICKET and come to
A CLEARING. Unreal and magical, with saturated colors and
bursting with filtered light and bird songs. And also...
AN ENTIRE STEAMSHIP abandoned in the grass, dappled by light.
The SINGING is coming from inside.
CUT TO:
INT. STEAMSHIP - DAY
ITS VERY TRIPPY. The ship is empty except for a table and
three chairs. The DREAMLIKE CHORUS echoes around the hull.
On the table is an ipod playing the music, a pile of CLOTHES
and a MESSENGER BAG exactly like Panchos. Pancho spills the
contents of the bag on the table. The bag contains:
A
LEATHER-BOUND NOTEBOOK with a pencil stuck in it. Six cherry
cigars, two Powerbars, an iPod & speaker and a ROLLED-UP WAD
OF BILLS.
Whoa.

PANCHO

As Don Quixote examines the iPod, hypnotized by the music

coming from it, Pancho sniffs the cigars, WHINING in
pleasure. He counts the money.
PANCHO
One twenty, one... one hundred
forty five dollars! What the...?
Pancho turns off the iPod.
DON QUIXOTE
Why did you do that?
PANCHO
Look! This is my stuff, but it
isnt my stuff. This is exactly
how much money I need.
DON QUIXOTE
I told you you would recieve it.
Uninterested in money, Don Quixote opens the notebook.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

48

PANCHO
Yeah, but, like, exactly? Plus
cigars? How crazy is that?
(realizing...)
Great and unlikely...
He looks at Don Quixote - could he be right? He clutches the
pack of cigars to his chest, then starts stuffing the money
into his pockets.
DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, stop.
PANCHO
(not stopping)
Finders keepers, losers wieners,
thats what I say.
Stop!

DON QUIXOTE

Pancho looks up to see Don Quixote gazing at the notebook,

tears in his wide eyes.
DON QUIXOTE
(reading)
Sweet memries touch my heart
Like gentle, soothing rain.
Yet theyll not quench the fire you made
Nor wash away the pain.
Don Quixote is physically moved by the terrible poem.
DON QUIXOTE
Who could take the meager
possessions of a man whose heart is
so filled with the pain of love?
PANCHO
I need it as much as he does.
I got plenty of pain.

And

DON QUIXOTE
Impossible. No peasant heart could
feel pain to this degree. Whoever
wrote this is a gentleman, sweet
and sensitive and learned.
PANCHO
Aw, come on, man. If this is your
story, just gimme the stuff.
Theres nobody here.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

49

VOICE (O.S.)
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
IN THE DOORWAY, a NAKED MAN stares at them, SCREAMING like an
animal. This is CARL.
DON QUIXOTE
Obviously, that is a poet.
his things to his bag.

Return

Don Quixote picks up Carls clothes, hands Pancho the helmet

he just stole.
DON QUIXOTE
We are not thieves.
Don Quixote steps out.
IN THE CLEARING, Don Quixote extends the clothes to naked
Carl, who knocks them from Dons hands. Don Quixote
unbuckles his sword-belt and drops it to the ground. In
perfect sympathy, he removes all of his clothes, too.
DON QUIXOTE
My friend, I have great respect for
any man who is driven mad by the
love of a woman.
He steps forward and embraces Carl. Carl resists, then hugs
him back and they SOB OPENLY on each others bare shoulders.
CARL
Can I tell you a story?
CUT TO:
INT. STEAMSHIP - DAY
Pancho and Don Quixote - again dressed - give their attention
to Carl. Pancho does so reluctantly.
CARL
Lucinda was without question the
most beautiful creature in the
world. The moment I saw her, I
knew she was my girl.
Don Quixote closes his eyes and quietly MOANS with pleasure
at the thought of this love and at Carls clumsy rhyme
scheme.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

50

CARL
Amazingly, she loved me. She even
said shed rather die than ever do
another guy. It was heaven on this
rock we call Earth. I was filled
with mirth. So happy that when my
oldest friend came back to town FRICKIN FERDI!! - I told him all
about her. He was my friend. But
then, he sinned.
He stops and stares off into the distance.
Quixote wait - nothing.

Pancho and Don

CARL
FRICKIN FERDI!

Ah!

PANCHO
(startled)

CARL
He had an idea to see, if she was
faithful to me. He said he was
worried and asked why I hurried.
He offered a plan, but it led to
rue-an.
Don Quixote clutches his chest, pained by the tragic beauty
of it all. Carl closes his eyes and exhales. After a long
beat...
PANCHO
Well, dude, there are loads of fish
in the sea. Thats what I say.
AHHH!!!!
Sancho!
What?
AHHHHH!!!

CARL
DON QUIXOTE
PANCHO
CARL

DON QUIXOTE
Do not interrupt him!
Carl RIPS his shirt back off, grabs his bag and WHACKS Pancho
in the broken rib with it.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

51

PANCHO

OW!

Don Quixote stands to intervene.

DON QUIXOTE
Gentle, Poet, please-WHAM!! Carl PUNCHES him in the face and runs off, struggling
as he goes to remove his pants.
Ow!

PANCHO
Whats wrong with that guy?

Him?

DON QUIXOTE

(slap!)
The fault is with you! You ran him
off when he was sent to me, Sancho,
to remind me of the very heart of
knight errantry.
O.S. - The sweetest possible version of The Magnetic Fields
The Book of Love.
DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)
A life without the torture of love
is not a life at all.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVERBANK - DAY
Don Quixote is NAKED, facing the river, standing on his head.
His legs swirl to keep balance, making an ACCIDENTAL BALLET
before the passing ships and clouds and the shivering trees.
DON QUIXOTE (V.O.)
(hoarse from exhaustion)
I have long been gone from the
sight of my lady. Surely, she has
been tempted by other men as was
the fallen Lucinda.
He puts his hand on the ground to keep balance as he shakes
from exhaustion and hunger.
DON QUIXOTE (V.O.)
Women are not as stable in their
thoughts and deeds as men.
WHUMP!

He falls over into the dirt.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

52

DON QUIXOTE (V.O.)

I could, of course, return to her
and put my suspicions to rest. But
it is more heroic to stay here and
allow those fears to torment me.
It will only be more poetic should
I die in the act.
He struggles back to his upside-down posture of penance,
COUCHING. Beaten hungry and exhausted, he looks like hell.
EXT. TRAIL - DAY
Pancho walks from the clearing, the PUNCH BOWL on his head.
In one hand is the splintered mop lance, in the other is a
neatly folded PIECE OF PAPER and a small bouquet of HALF-DEAD
WILDFLOWERS.
DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)
Take this map, Sancho, so you may
find her. With your testimony bear
witness to the depths of my
madness.
(cough, cough)
And take the Helmet of Mambrino.
Though it is unconventional to
allow a squire to don such a relic,
I know it will protect you. And
take my lance. Tell no one where I
am.
As Pancho is about to step onto the highway, the helmet
itches his head. When he scratches it with the mop-lance,
the helmet falls into the weeds. As he stoops to pick it
up...
DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)
The fates conspire in our favor,
Sancho.
A POLICE CAR drives slowly past, scouring the roadside,
barely missing him.
DON QUIXOTE (O.S.)
Nothing will stop you.
Pancho looks at the vanishing cop car. Nothing, indeed.
shuffles down the roadside. After a beat...
The Lady on the Bicycle, rides right up to him.
LADY ON BICYCLE
Where is he?

He

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

53

If we didnt know already - its Janelle, hiding her face,

scared to death.
PANCHO
I cant tell you.
JANELLE
You realize the sheriff is after
him, right? After you both?
Its okay.

PANCHO
We cant be stopped.

Janelle snatches the folded up map and note.

PANCHO
What are you doing? Im supposed
to deliver this to the Fearless
Lady of the Leche.
JANELLE
You know theres no such lady,
right?
I guess.

PANCHO

JANELLE
(reading the note)
Oh, beauteous maiden,
Pristine in your tower
QUICK CUT TO BRITTANY, plainer and duller than ever, selling
three condoms to a TRUCK DRIVER.
JANELLE (O.S.)
I succumb to your beauty
Your grace and sweet power
Brittany scratches her armpit, picks up the Examiner and
gazes at the assorted Kardashians on the cover.
JANELLE (O.S.)
Tho the greatest knight errant,
I am unworthy of
The sweet amber nectar
Of your peerless love
So I shall ner view your flesh
So, supple, so pliant,
til a Kingdom Ive saved
From a ravaging giant.
Yours in love everlasting,
Don Quixote of La Mancha.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

54

WITH JANELLE AND PANCHO

PANCHO
He needs a giant to fight.
how the story ends.
A giant.

Thats

JANELLE

She hands the poem back to Pancho, but keeps the map.
JANELLE
Go back and tell him that you gave
the poem to the woman he loves who loves him - and she liked it
very much. And she hopes to see
him very soon. And tell him she
demands that he be careful.
Pancho nods.
JANELLE
And just keep him there.
He folds up the poem and steps away.
JANELLE
Also, she wants him not to do
anything stupid, okay?
She looks across the street at THE COVENTRY INN and the ATM
by the door.
Excuse me?

PANCHO (O.S.)

Janelle looks back - Pancho has stopped.

PANCHO
Hes not stupid.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVERBANK - DAY
Don Quixote remains on his head, stiff as a plank and
trembling with exhaustion. Pancho steps up.
DON QUIXOTE
(barely audible)
Sancho. This is a marvel indeed.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

55

He throws himself sideways and THUDS pathetically to the

ground. He struggles like a turtle to right himself, so
dehydrated he can barely speak.
DON QUIXOTE
The power of my sorrow and my
laments is such that - though you
must have been gone for days - it
feels as though you left only
moments ago.
PANCHO
I walked fast. Youre getting
sunburned.
Yes.

DON QUIXOTE
My discomfort is exquisite.

Pancho looks at the bruised and aging body, picks up his

shirt and extends it to him.
DON QUIXOTE
I shall have to remain as God made
me for a while. Due to my posture
of sorrow, I am unable to move my
head or arms.
Pancho SIGHS.
CUT TO:
INT. COVENTRY LOUNGE, GOOD NIGHT INN - DAY
Janelle, nearly shaking with fear, surveys the motley,
dangerous-looking gang. She takes a breath, then...
JANELLE
Excuse me?!
She holds a large fistful of cash in the air.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVERBANK - DAY
Pancho stuffs one of Don Quixotes arms into a sleeve.
DON QUIXOTE
I am desperate to hear her words,
Sancho. Tell me every detail.
(re the shirt)
Ow. Was she not radiant?

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

Other arm.

July 22, 2016

56

PANCHO

Pancho, also stiff and sore as hell, struggles to stuff Don

into the uncooperative shirt.
DON QUIXOTE
Did not the light of purity and
goodness shine from her eyes?
The shirt is mostly on, Pancho looks at the underwear.
Lift up.

Ugh.

PANCHO

DON QUIXOTE
(arching his back...)
Tell me, did she speak my name?
WHUMP! Don Quixote falls over. Pancho SIGHS, puts Dons
foot into an underwear leg opening.
PANCHO
Yes, she said lots of nice stuff
about you, okay?
Pulling up Dons underwear is the most awkward moment of
Panchos life.
DON QUIXOTE
Take care not to bind my loins,
Sancho.
PANCHO
Oh, thank god nobodys here to see
this.
As he hoists the great knight up by his underwear...
PRINCESS MICOMICONIA (O.S.)
Behold! Is that the great Don
Quixote I see?
Don Quixote and Pancho look up from their semi-nude GrecoRoman wrestling position. There before them is...
A Princess on a divan with a royal entourage.
PANCHO
What the--?
Dotty the bartender is in a Burger King crown with a
tablecloth draped around her, carried on an old wooden pallet
supported by two lengths of plumbing pipe.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

57

Her Royal Guard is Big Mike and Trout with their jackets on
backwards and chip baskets rubber banded across their faces.
Nikki and Lexi are in tablecloth cloaks with dinner-napkin
veils. Janelle hangs in the back in a mask made of coasters
and a bar towel, making sure not to be recognized.
Panchos jaw hangs open.
My Lady.

DON QUIXOTE

Pancho struggles to get Don Quixote to his feet.

bows deeply. And cant get up.

Don Quixote

DON QUIXOTE
(still bent over)
I, your highness, am the knight you
seek.
Its true!

PANCHO
He is!

Don Quixote tries to straighten and cant.

DON QUIXOTE
(whispering)
Sancho?
Pancho grabs Don Quixote and straightens him.
CRACK. His shirt sticks out of his open fly.

His joints

Pancho, in very squirely fashion, sets the Helmet of Mambrino

on Don Quixotes head.
DON QUIXOTE
How, dear lady, may I be of
service?
Pancho straightens his masters shirt...
DOTTY
Oh, great knight, I am Princess
Micom... icon... ia. Micomiconia.
And I seek a knight to, uh...
She turns to Janelle.
JANELLE
(bowing extravagantly to
hide her face)
(MORE)

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

58

JANELLE (CONT'D)
Uh, mlady beseecheseth you to
slaughter a giant that vexes-eth
her lands, which are just past your
home. Of La Mancha.
Pancho hands Don Quixote his sword.
DON QUIXOTE
My Lady, would this giant be, by
any chance, the Giant of Andecoria?
Janelle discreetly nods to Dotty.
PRINCESS MICOMICONIA
Thats the one.
PANCHO
(sounding like his Boss)
Oh, sweet fortune!
Don Quixote draws his sword, holds it high, though in his
ruined state, the weight is difficult to manage.
DON QUIXOTE
Oh, beauteous Lady, I assure you,
no-(drops to his knees)
Oof. No, I swear to you - that the
foul beast that plagues your lands
will fall prey to this, my mighty
arm!
He can barely hold the trembling sword aloft.
JANELLE
Your highness? Let us at once lead
this great knight to your fair
kingdom so that he may dispatcheth
the giant.
Don Quixote struggles to get to his feet. The members of the
Grinning Royal Entourage eagerly turn to go.
DON QUIXOTE
Wait!
(to the Princess)
Before we embark, I must know your
intentions as they relate to my
person.
Shit - hes not leaving until she answers, but nobody knows
what hes asking.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

Uh, I--?

July 22, 2016

59

PRINCESS MICOMICONIA

DON QUIXOTE
Before you answer, you should know
that my heart is owned by the
peerless Lady Dulce de Leche of
Tabasco.
(the entourage stifles
laughs at the name)
Her love is the only thing in this
world against which I am powerless.
So, though you will certainly find
yourself in love with me as a
result of my heroic deeds, if you
have not fallen so already - I will
not ever be free to marry you.
Everyone stifles a laugh. Big Mike SNORTS.
looks at the shrivelled, deluded old man.

The young Dotty

PRINCESS MICOMICONIA
Well, thats very disappointing.
But also, very sweet.
JANELLE
To the giant!
CUE THE BRASS BAND MUSIC
EXT. LEVEE - SUNSET
It has all come true. Don Quixote, astride Rosacea, the
Helmet of Mambrino on his head, his Squire at his side, leads
a Princess and her royal entourage, half-dancing across the
sunset in silhouette, toward the challenge that will cement
his place in history and win him the heart of his love.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DUSK
The merry band continues toward Rancho La Mancha Estates.
But, thanks to a PHOTOCELL and the darkening sky, a sign
FLICKERS to life - the sign for the GOOD KNIGHT INN.
DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, do you remember that
castle?
PANCHO
In my bones. Especially my ribs.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

60

Big Mike SNORTS.

DON QUIXOTE
(coughing)
I feel it is my gentlemanly duty to
pay a visit to my old friend the
lord of that place. It was he who
first dubbed me knight.
Several of those friends, in the royal entourage, GIGGLE.
JANELLE
But Your Grace, the giant awaits!
DON QUIXOTE
(weak as a kitten)
Then wait he must. I feel rightly
obligated to accept any offer my
old friend might have of a bed or,
possibly, a feast...
Pancho sees Don Quixote - drawn, gaunt, pale and trembling and steps over to the Princess.
PANCHO
Your Highness, Don Quixote hasnt
eaten or slept - except when he was
poisoned - in, like, days.
She looks at Janelle.
BIG MIKE
And the men do thirst for beer.
Off the Princess look
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT, GOOD KNIGHT INN - EVENING
The procession crosses the lot and vanishes into the COVENTRY
LOUNGE.
As soon as theyre gone, the RED NISSAN CUBE drives by. In
the passenger seat is a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. After a beat, the
brake lights come on.
INT. COVENTRY LOUNGE, GOOD KNIGHT INN - EVENING
In the light of the open door, Don Quixote stands in a royal
tableaux.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

61

PRINCESS MICOMICONIA
The great Don Quixote of La Mancha,
requires a feast!
Kamil grins, jumps up and HUGS Don Quixote. Carl, who was
telling his story to Kamil, rips his shirt off.
MOMENTS LATER
MUSIC BLARES as the royal entourage parties on Janelles
dime.
- Kamil serves drinks.
- Pancho shows the royal guards/drunks the bruises on his
ribs. Someone hands him a beer and all is forgiven. It
hurts when he laughs, but Pancho LAUGHS anyway.
- Big Mike flirts with Janelle, who always keeps one eye on
her Uncle.
- Don Quixote, chilli on his chin, sleeps like a rock in a
booth.
- Dotty, seeing Don Quixote out cold, peels off her stupid
cape and crown as she mixes Carl a drink.
- Pancho flirts very carefully with Nikki, who is working her
napkin hijab and veils and enjoying being a maiden. As a
gesture, she returns his messenger bag.
Hey!

MAN (O.S.)
Jackass!

A man in a snug, trendy little suit stomps toward Don

Quixote. But as he passes the bar...
CARL
AGHHHHHHHHH!!!
WHUMP!!

Carl flies into frame and takes him to the ground.

WHAM! Carl punches him in the face and chest. SMASH!

bottle CRASHES next to his head, almost braining him.

Dotty leaps over the bar and BAM! kicks him as hard as she
can.
FRICKIN--

CARL

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

62

CARL/DOTTY
(in unison)
FERDI!
Huh? Carl and Dotty look at one another, then at the man.
Though clean-shaven and in a suit, we see that its the
hipster Don Quixote stole the punch bowl from - hes FERDI.
DOTTY
(to Carl)
How the hell do you know--?
CARL
(looking up)
AHHHHHH!!!!
Carl is looking at
A FIGURE IN THE DOORWAY. Its the BEAUTIFUL WOMAN from
Ferdis car, in a wedding dress. She, too, is stunned.
CARL
(tugging at his hair in
torment)
AGHHHH!!!!!
Dotty leaps up, grabs a pool cue.
DOTTY
Hey, Lucinda?!
Yep - this is LUCINDA.
DOTTY
Oh, yeah - I know you. But do you
know me? Ferdis other fiancee?
What?

LUCINDA

Dotty raises the pool cue...

DRUNKS/FISHERMEN
Hit her!/Yeah!/Chick fight!
Lucinda recoils...
THUP! The pool cue is caught behind her head. It is in the
hand of Don Quixote, who stands on the pool table, sword
drawn.
SILENCE!!

DON QUIXOTE

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

63

He looks around, looks at Dotty, momentarily confused,

then...
DON QUIXOTE
In the absence of the Princess, who
is surely resting and will be
grateful to have missed such
behavior, I, Don Quixote, have the
sole authority to administer
justice and to take a life, which I
will gladly do if provoked.
WHIP! In a flash he has the point of his sword under
Lucindas chin. Everyone GASPS.
JANELLE
Uncle Da--!
SILENCE!

DON QUIXOTE

The room goes completely quiet.

DON QUIXOTE
Are you truly the fair Lucinda?
She nods very gently.
DON QUIXOTE
Who, Lucinda, do you love?
Her eyes immediately well with tears.

Her lip quivers.

DON QUIXOTE
My sword demands the truth!
LUCINDA
I love Carl.
CARL
Well you have a hell of a way of
showing it!
LUCINDA
(re Dotty)
You left me for her!
CARL
What?! I just met her! I left you
for nobody. It was all Ferdis
idea.
Don Quixote leaps from the table like an awkward Errol Flynn.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

Ow.

July 22, 2016

64

DON QUIXOTE

FERDI
Hey, I just said-WHIP! Don Quixotes sword is now at Ferdis heart.
shuts right up.

Ferdi

CARL
He said it was a test.
LUCINDA
You thought I needed a test?
CARL
Apparently, you did. Werent you
going to kill yourself if you slept
with somebody else? Huh? Why
didnt you?
Lucinda, choking back tears, just shrugs.
DON QUIXOTE
(to Carl)
Poet. When you see her now, do you
truly wish her dead?
Carls eyes brim with tears.

He shakes his head.

DON QUIXOTE
Death is an easy peace, Poet. But
she chose instead to live, to
torture herself daily with the
knowledge of your unfaithfulness
and of her own. That is the braver
choice for all who have sinned.
Lucinda nods, realizing this is true, somehow.
DON QUIXOTE
And besides, sir-WHIP!

The sword moves up to Ferdis throat.

DON QUIXOTE
A true villains in this tale.

Ferdi would run if Big Mike wasnt keeping him in place.

DON QUIXOTE
He must be punished for his lies.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

65

He pushes the sword harder, until its just about to break

the skin...
No!

DOTTY

Don Quixote looks at her and smiles.

DON QUIXOTE
Ah, broken and shamed, yet still
she cries out. Such is love. Yes,
he should be punished, but not by
my hand. Only the ones you love
can truly hurt you. And what
greater tormenter than a spurned
woman?
He lowers the sword and Dotty rushes to Ferdi.
DON QUIXOTE
(to Dotty)
Your happiness is assured, my dear.
You will, due to his crimes, ever
have the upper hand, which is
essential to balance the scales
when ones love is the greater of
two.
Don Quixote turns to Carl.
DON QUIXOTE
Poet, I admire your embrace of
loves sweet madness, but
reflection is nothing without
action. Action is the single
measure of a mans life. Your
failure is that you ran from your
enemy rather that toward him and,
therefore, could never be
satisfied. This we must remedy.
(to Ferdi)
You are indeed a villain. However,
by sacrificing Lucinda to her true
love, by honoring your promise to
this lady-(gesturing to Dotty)
And by allowing the Poet his
revenge, you may still be redeemed.
Revenge?

FERDI

Don Quixote places Carl face-to-face with Ferdi.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

66

DON QUIXOTE
Poet, exact your vengeance from the
very loins this scoundrel used to
betray the honor of your love.
He gestures grandly to Ferdis balls.
No!

Carl grins.

FERDI
Not the loins!

WHAM!! He KICKS Ferdis balls as hard as he can.

buckles to the ground.

Ferdi

DON QUIXOTE
Justice is done!! Let us rejoice!!
The place explodes in CHEERS. Janelle is stunned as Don
Quixote is KISSED and HUGGED and seems, in spite of the punch
bowl on his head, like the sanest man any of them have ever
met. Naturally, a dance party breaks out.
O.S. - BAHMP, BAHMP, BAHMP, BAHMP!
GNARLS BARKLEY (LOUD)
I remember when, I remember,
I remember when I lost my mind
GNARLS BARKLEY
There was something so pleasant
about that place
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space
Pancho dances with the hookers.
GNARLS BARKLEY
And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know
enough
I just knew too much
Carl and Lucinda kiss as she buttons his oft-torn shirt. Don
Quixote gives the Helmet of Mambrino to the happy couple.
GNARLS BARKLEY
Does that make me crazy?
Kamil dances from the back with a fresh crock-pot of food,
spinning as he goes.
GNARLS BARKLEY
Does that make me crazy?

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

67

Drunks sing together and do a LINE DANCE while eating chili

from Dixie cups. Has this feast been choreographed?
GNARLS BARKLEY
Does that make me crazy? Possibly.
Dotty SLAPS a baggie full of ice onto Ferdis balls.
SMILES.

He

GNARLS BARKLEY
And I hope that you are having the
time of your life
But think twice, that's my only
advice
She SQUEEZES the ice pack.

Now he SCREAMS and she SMILES.

GNARLS BARKLEY
Come on now, who do you, who do
you, who do you, who do you think
you are,
Ha-ha-ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control
And Don Quixote, awash in success and the joy of living,
begins dancing. And singing.
DON QUIXOTE/GNARLS BARKLEY
Well, I think you're crazy!
I think you're crazy!
I think you're crazy!
Just like me!
Everyone in the bar is now part of a spontaneous, ridiculous
line dance, singing their hearts out. Even Janelle.
ALL
My heroes had the heart to lose
their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I
want to be like them
(and kick and turn...)
Ever since I was little, ever since
I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
Pure joy. Theyre too caught up in the moment to notice the
HEADLIGHTS sweep through the room as a car pulls into the
parking lot.
ALL
Maybe I'm crazy!
Maybe you're crazy!

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

68

The room lights up with PULSING RED AND BLUE LIGHT, like a
strobe in a disco.
ALL
Maybe we're crazy!
Just like me!
Then they realize...
COPS!

BIG MIKE
What the hell do they want?

JANELLE
(pointing to her uncle)
Him! They want him!
Oh, shit!

PANCHO

KAMIL
Out the back!
PANCHO
(to Don Quixote)
Come on!
DON QUIXOTE
I flee from no man.
GNARLS BARKLEY
Does that make me crazy?!
Kamil grabs Don Quixote, who resists mightily.
Unhand me!

DON QUIXOTE

GNARLS BARKLEY
Does that make me crazy?!
Boss, go!
are here!

PANCHO
You gotta go!
For real!

The cops

DON QUIXOTE
(struggling against them)
Ha! You know that I could easily
defeat a hundred such corrupt and
petty functionaries! They are well
known to be portly and weak!
They drag the great knight, literally kicking and screaming,
out the back door.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

69

GNARLS BARKLEY
Does that make me crazy?!
Probably...
The music is shut off as The Detectives hard shoes enter the
room.
EXT. GOOD KNIGHT INN, BACK PARKING LOT - NIGHT
They hustle Don Quixote out the door, back by the possum
dumpster. Theres a pile of old cushions and tires and a
huge empty dog kennel.
Unhand me!

DON QUIXOTE
SANCHO!

Don Quixote struggles to free himself, but Big Mike holds on.
Pancho grabs his sleeve.
BOSS!!
ME!

PANCHO
BOSS!! MASTER, LISTEN TO

Don Quixote keeps struggling.

PANCHO
I am your squire, man, I am, and I
will do anything for you. Even
this: youre not a knight. Youre
not Don Quixote. Youre not. Your
name is Danny! Im sorry.
Sancho.

DON QUIXOTE

PANCHO
Theyre going to lock you up.
you need to shut up and get--

So

DON QUIXOTE
I AM DON QUIXOTE OF LA MAN-WHAP!

Big Mike slaps a huge hand over his mouth.

PANCHO
No, youre just a regular guy and
you live in a regular house and you(an idea)
You have to pee.

This stops everyone.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

70

PANCHO
Dont you? And in all those books,
does one single knight ever have to
take a piss? Ever?
Don Quixote looks stricken.
PANCHO
No. So, if you have to pee?
Youre not a-WHAM!
down.

Don Quixote punches him in the teeth, knocking him

OWW!!!

PANCHO

KAMIL
Over here, friends!
CUT TO:
INT. COVENTRY LOUNGE, GOOD NIGHT INN - NIGHT
Janelle steps right in front of The Detective to slow him.
Everyone else watches nervously.
THE DETECTIVE
Where is he?
JANELLE
Where is who?
He steps sideways, she moves with him.
O.S. - WHAM!

Something slams shut out back.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT, GOOD KNIGHT INN - NIGHT

A truck sneaks out of the lot, lights off. Pancho is
driving. He turns onto the dark highway and speeds up.
clicks the lights on and drives away. But

He

HEADLIGHTS click on in front of them - then FLASHING LIGHTS.

MOMENTS LATER, the truck is surrounded by cops with
flashlights and guns.
Janelle and the others run up as a cop drops the tailgate to
the truck.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

71

JANELLE
Dont shoot him!!!
IN THE REAR OF THE TRUCK, Don Quixote of La Mancha is stuffed
inside the dog kennel. In the front of his pants is a large
wet spot. Janelle bursts into tears.
CUE UP Vic Chestnuts MONKEY IN A ZOO as the Great Knight of
the Sorrowful Countenance is dragged in a cage from the bed
of the truck.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
QUICK SHOTS
- AT DANNYS HOUSE, AT DAWN, a cab pulls into the driveway.
Janelle hops out and runs around and opens the other door.
- BY THE HIGHWAY, Rosacea is back, marked down to $250.00
without the sidecar, and is secured to the phone pole with a
heavy chain.
- IN THE EZ-MART PARKING LOT, Pancho stares at the little map
Don Quixote drew him. THROUGH THE WINDOW he sees Brittany
under the ice cream sign and realizes that this was the famed
Lady Dulce de Leche. He crumples up the map and tosses it
into the trash.
- IN THE COVENTRY LOUNGE, Kamil hangs Dons sword on the wall
behind the bar as a trophy. Dottys behind the bar, serving
Ferdi and the hookers and drunks. Nobody dances.
- AT PANCHOS TRAILER, Pancho KNOCKS. Nothing. He tugs on
the door and it opens. He peers INSIDE THE TRAILER - its
completely empty except. His girl is gone.
- IN A BOOK STORE, Lucinda, in her bridal gown, serves punch
from the Helmet of Mambrino to her new husband, Carl. There
are no guests.
- IN THE FIELD BY THE HIGHWAY, the old oil pumps victoriously
along.
- CLOSE ON a hospital bracelet on a very thin wrist.
- PULL OUT to see the wrist belongs to Danny Kehoe, who steps
back into the same door Don Quixote once stepped out of.
DISSOLVE TO:

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

72

EXT. PANCHOS TRAILER - DAY

Pancho is back in his plastic chair, smoking a cigar,
lonelier than ever. But then...
A CAR slows down.

Two YOUNG DUDES hang out the windows.

YOUNG DUDE
(filming with phone)
Hey, Sancho!!
Pancho looks up - Sancho? The other young dude points at
his phone as they whiz past.
Pancho watches them go, wondering...
He dials up youtube...
and thinks...

His eyes go very wide.

He watches
CUT TO:

INT. DANNYS HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY

Danny sits on the edge of the bed in his pajamas, an un-eaten
plate of food beside him, fidgeting with the hospital
bracelet as Janelle enters and begins taking PILL BOTTLES
from a bag and setting them on the side table like sentries.
JANELLE
These two you should start now its the antipsychotic and a
sedative. The other one you were
already taking in the hospital.
Its for depression.
She takes his hand.
JANELLE
Remember, you have to take these,
okay? Its part of your deal to
get the charges dropped.
She extends the pills and a glass of water. He just stares
at the pills, sitting in her hand like tiny bombs.
JANELLE
Uncle Danny?
Thank you.

DANNY KEHOE

He lifts the pills to his mouth... and takes them.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

73

Then he picks up the remote and CLICKS on the huge TV that

has replaced the book shelves.
The window is open, but no smoke is coming in to rescue him.
He stares at the TV, seemingly happy. Janelle stares too,
but she looks miserable.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And so, having never lived, the
great knight, Don Quixote of La
Mancha, quietly died.
After a long beat, Dannys eyes glaze over.
The end.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

We begin our FADE TO BLACK.

WHAM!!

About halfway through...

The door flies open and PANCHO is there.

PANCHO
No! This is no way to end this
story.
(bowing to Don Quixote)
Mlord!

Danny looks at him, vaguely recognizing him.

his old friend, we FADE BACK IN.

As he blinks at

JANELLE
No! No, Pancho, get out! Get out
of here and leave him alone!
PANCHO
(ignoring her)
I am a humble squire, seeking a
knight errant to serve, and will
settle for no less than the
greatest of all, Don Quixote of La
Mancha.
JANELLE
Don Quixote is gone!
PANCHO
(extending his phone)
No, hes not.
He shoves his phone in the somewhat-sedated Dannys face.
CLOSE ON Panchos phone.
as we see:

From it, CONQUISTADOR MUSIC plays

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

74

The True History of the Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of

La Mancha over a close-up of Danny, the Helmet of Mambrino
on his head.
DON QUIXOTE (ON PHONE)
(auto-tuned voice)
For my La-la-lady Dulce de Leche!!
For my La-la-lady Dulce de Leche!!
JANELLE (O.S.)
What the hell...?
It is a NEATLY EDITED VIDEO of:
HOME SECURITY FOOTAGE of Don Quixote petting the moped on the
handlebars and whispering to it.
DASH CAM VIDEO of Don Quixote liberating the work crew,
waving his sword around like a lunatic.
JIGGLY CAM FOOTAGE shows Don Quixote holding the possum head.
DON QUIXOTE
(auto-tuned voice)
For my La-la-lady Dulce de Leche!!
For my La-la-lady Dulce de Leche!!
DRIVE-BY PHONE VIDEO of him riding Rosacea down the highway
with the lance mop.
A DASH CAM SHOT of him falling from the oil pump.
INTERVIEW FOOTAGE of Kamil showing off the sword and
imitating Dons madness.
PHONE PICS of the royal parade, the celebration party and,
finally, Pancho at home in his chair with the graphic Where is he now?
BACK TO SCENE
PANCHO
Two hundred fifty six thousand
views! Youre famous, boss, just
like you said youd be!
Danny looks up at Pancho, then back down at the screen.
JANELLE
Pancho, please. Please...
PANCHO
My name is Sancho!
(to Danny)
(MORE)

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

75

PANCHO (CONT'D)
Come on, man. The world needs you.
I need you. Once youve been
amazing, you cant just go back to
sitting in a chair. And you-(seeing the pill bottles)
What did you do to him?!
I had to.

JANELLE
Im sorry.

Sancho looks into Dannys distant eyes and realizes hes too
late.
Defeated, he extends his hand to take his phone.
does...

But as he

CLOSE ON THE PHONE, the next video cues up: More Fun with
Don Quihote - not even spelled right.
Danny pulls the phone back and watches.
A SEQUEL VIDEO, where some idiot dressed as a FALSE QUIXOTE an even sillier knight errant - fights a PANTOMIME HORSE,
flailing around stupidly, using a pool noodle as a sword.
And worse...
A FAKE LADY DULCE DE LECHE runs in and gives the fake knight
a deeply exaggerated kiss, then starts DRY-HUMPING him.
After a beat, Don Quihote pushes her away and starts making
out with the horse instead. After another beat, fake Lady
Dulce goes around and DRY-HUMPS THE HORSE.
PAN UP from the phone to Danny Kehoe, his eyes glazed over.
Pancho takes the phone, turns to go.
DON QUIXOTE
(quietly)
Blasphemers...
Sanchos face lights up, he turns, but Danny is slumped
against Janelle, only half-conscious. Pancho grabs the door
knob...
Danny cuts him a last, blinking look, then...
He heroically SHOVES his fingers down his throat.
WRAGHHHHH!!! He valiantly PUKES the pills all over the place,
splattering Janelle.
AGHH!!!
Sancho spins around.

JANELLE

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

76

DON QUIXOTE
(standing, wobbly...)
Vile, villainous, slanderous
blasphemers... Besmirching the
name of the peerless-DON QUIXOTE/SANCHO
(in unison)
Dulce de Leche of Tabasco!
Oh, no.

JANELLE

DON QUIXOTE
Sancho, help me stand.
SANCHO
You got it, Boss!
He helps Don Quixote to his feet.
into her hands...

As Janelles head drops

SANCHO
Hey, guess what? I made you
something.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. PANCHOS TRAILER- MORNING
Like a steampunk vision, the knight and his squire stand
looking at their reflection in the patio door.
They sport MUCH-IMPROVED HOMEMADE ARMOR. Its actually kind
of badass. Don Quixote wears a LIFE JACKET, LEATHER WELDING
GLOVES, SHIN GUARDS and KNEE PADS. His helmet is a welding
mask adorned with a large FEATHER. Over his shoulder is a
leather sheath, from which he pulls... a LARGE MACHETE.
Sancho has a LIFE JACKET and a CATCHERS MASK. On his head
is a BUCKET secured with a BUNGEE CORD. Don Quixote is
nearly moved to tears.
DON QUIXOTE
Oh, Sancho. I think the reason a
knight requires a squire is that
the world is too ridiculous, too
unfair and too mad to be faced
alone. Thank you, my friend.
Sancho, too, could weep.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

77

AT THE DRIVEWAY, Rosacea is there, all cleaned up, with the

sidecar back in place.
Dapple!
No idea.

DON QUIXOTE
How did you get her back?
SANCHO

BEHIND THEM, Janelle is there.

She cant help but smile.

JANELLE
Be careful!
The warriors glance at each other - careful? No fucking way.
They climb aboard Rosacea and VROOM! - light out for the
horizon.
HONK!!! A CAR SLOWS DOWN and a WOMAN leaning out with a
camera phone takes video as her friends wave to him.
WOMAN/FRIENDS
Its him! Hey, Don Quixote!
Youre awesome, dude!
DON QUIXOTE
(posing)
My fame is indeed great, Sancho.
The car zooms off.
DON QUIXOTE
But now there is only one thing
that matters. So long as I draw
breath, my lady shall not suffer
the slightest slight nor the
faintest tarnish! The author of
the lies and blasphemies against
her must be discovered.
Right.

SANCHO

DON QUIXOTE
And killed!
Huh? Sancho lifts the bucket helmet, looks into Don
Quixotes eyes... killed?
SANCHO
(after a beat)
Indeed.

Chris Poch

Don Quixote

July 22, 2016

78

GRMMM!! the great knight and his Squire ride off into the
sunset. As they do, Sancho addresses camera.
SANCHO/NARRATOR
And that is how the Great Don
Quixote of La Mancha, having never
lived, returned from the dead and
became immortal. The End.
FADE TO BLACK.