These are actually my (ineligible, due to being an American) entries for Charlie's pre-book-release contest.

Go read the others there! I

re-collect them here so I can do a bit more copyediting. Then I started adding more because I felt like I was threadsitting on Charlie's blog.

CODE NAME: CATULUS TRISTUS

NAME
Structure and Interpretation of Esoteric Programs

SUMMARY

Introductory textbook for computational sorcery (Black Chamber)

DESCRIPTION
Related to the well-known "Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs" (SICP), this
introductory textbook is used by the Black Chamber for initial training of inductees into their Esoteric
Software development group. Aside from the distinctive cover, it can easily be recognized by its cold
and clammy cover and pages, no matter the ambient conditions.
More accessible than the suppressed Art of Computer Programming (volume 5), it generally begins
by drawing parallels between the lambda calculus, generative L-systems, and dho-na curves.
Subsequent chapters illustrate topics such as algorithmic summoning; the impossibility of dho-na
software with immutable state; 3D-printing of esoteric artifacts; and (befitting the Black Chamber's
origins) efficient integer factoring algorithms.
Higher order software of the kind described in SIEP is always executing, even when apparently fixed
as data in a tangible medium like a book. This has several interesting consequences: the "cold and
clammy" feeling when the book is handled, the fact that each individual book is slightly different in
content, organization and layout (except, apparently, for the wizard on the cover and the integer
factoring algorithm), and the actual impossibility of an e-book version (in that medium, its content
rapidly evolves into a second fixed form, a self-published science fiction novel). This last factor,
luckily, has limited the availability of the book; we believe that fewer than 25 copies presently exist,
most of them in the Chamber's Nevada training and containment facility.
While no one can deny the effectiveness of the Black Chamber's software development program,
and the comparatively long productive life of its programmers, the programming style taught in SIEP
is correlated with an early-onset variant Krantzberg Syndrome characterized by retreat from normal
social interactions, casual misogyny, and a preference for idealized fantasy worlds.
Additionally, the integer factoring algorithm is so vigoriously endothermic that executing it on a 40digit number in a populated area would lead to mass casualties.

DEPLOYMENT FORBIDDEN

While the Chamber may tolerate this fate of its programmers (in the intial statges, this K-syndrome
variant appears to actually increase their productivity), The Laundry does not. Any agent coming in
contact with SIEP is instructed not to read it; or if she has read it to report the incident and refrain
from using any methods learned from it. (Predictive department adds: Agent M, this means you) In

either case, the volume shall be turned in to your operations officer for secure destruction or as
leverage in negotiations with the Black Chamber.

CODE NAME: CAFFEINATED BOOKWORM

SUMMARY

Accelerated Learning Refreshment Device

DESCRIPTION
This device consists of a sheet-fed scanner connected to a standard commercial-grade espresso
machine. A dedicated neural network ASIC processes the scanned materials and heats the steam.
This process produces a beverage which in turn creates a Billington-type geas, causing the person
who consumes the drink to conform to the archetype presented in the scanned materials. The geas
drops in strength as the caffeine in the beverage is metabolized, with a half-life of about 5.7 hours in
healthy adult humans.
For instructive materials, the result is initial intense interest in the subject; if this impulse is not
resisted, one day of self-instruction with 3 to 5 shots of espresso can give long-lasting proficiency
equivalent to a semester of classroom instruction or 80 hours of practical experience.
Use with fictional materials is forbidden by Laundry policy. Further discussion of the consequences
of such use are coded CHEKHOVS CUPPA.

DISCUSSION

Subject I was a barista and doctorate candidate in english literature who exhibited an unconscious
sigma-3 superpower that caused coffee shop patrons to spontaneously act out scenes from
whatever book Subject I had most recently been reading. Laundry agents detected and neutralized
him, but not before several civilians, each believing themselves to be Ophelia, suffocated with lungs
inexplicably full of water. (The Hamlets, Laerteses, and so forth were saved from their fate by the
Laundry's timely intervention. Curiously, no Poloniouses had lost detectable amounts of blood) The
neural network structure of CAFFEINATED BOOKWORM was reverse engineered based on cellularlevel scans of Subject I's cerebral cortex, and use with instructional materials was found to be
safe.

CODE NAME: EXO-PEN

SUMMARY
Anti-exonome autoijnector

DESCRIPTION

This single-use injector, physically similar to the commercial EpiPen, can be used by trained and
untrained individuals in the event of exonome (demonic) possession. If used within the first 5 minutes

after exposure, the survival rate is over 90% for possession by entities level 2 or lower, and over 75%
for level 3 entities.
The Exo-Pen payload consists of artificial blood platelets inscribed with nanoscale banishment
circuits, plus epinephrine to reduce the incidence of fatal cardiac arrest caused by the departing
demon.

DEPLOYMENT

Pursuant to PROTOCOL NIGHTMARE GREEN, the Exo-Pen shall be an element of the standard
gear ("every day carry") for all Laundry staff regardless of official field clearance status during the
continuing emergency. Use of banishment rounds to the hand or foot as a first response to apparent
possession is now grounds for disciplinary action.

CODE NAME: SURPRISE SYMBOL WELCOME

SUMMARY

Proposed CNG response strategy

DESCRIPTION
While many CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN response strategies have focused on reactive defense (c.f.
SCORPION STARE, EMOCUM, WALL PHASE PURPLE), SURPRISE SYMBOL WELCOME (like
NO CHILD LEFT according to the leaked Black Chamber document) emphasizes removing the bulk
civilian population from the area of conflict. Unlike NO CHILD LEFT, net civilian casualties in urban
areas are estimated at under 1%.
In the aftermath of OGRE REALITY, Laundry estimates of the amount of power needed to open a
Class 6 (city-sized) interdimensional gate were decreased by 5 orders of magnitude. This was later
confirmed when satellite photos taken after the "failed" 2009 North Korean nuclear test indicated that
a 25km2 area was cleared to a depth of over 100m (more at JUCHE BEACHHEAD).
SURPRISE SYMBOL consists of three phases: First, small advance parties passing through Class 3
gates scout accessible dimensions to locate survivable ones with no sapient inhabitants and
abundant local edibles. Concurrently, thermonuclear devices in the 50kT range are pre-installed in all
major city centers. Finally, at the onset of NIGHTMARE DAWN the devices are detonated.
Each bomb sits within an inactive summoning grid. Detonation begins the process of grid activation,
and the explosion wavefront projects the grid outward on its surface.
Initially, the wavefront acts like a normal thermonuclear explosion, killing people in its path with a
combination of blast force and thermal energy. The thaumic energy of these wrongly-killed souls is
gathered onto the summoning grid.
When a particular ratio of physical energy to thaumic energy is attained within the grid, it fires and
opens an ellipsoidal gate centered on the origin of the explosion. Thus the placement of the bomb at
a city center is required for two reasons: first, because this determines the gate placement; and
second so that the number of ground zero casualties can be large enough within a small radius to
open an appropriately-sized gate.

Opening the gate consumes substantially all initial energy from the explosion, leaving mostly residual
radiation (fallout).
Each city transported in this manner will now lie in its own low-sapience region; even the
approximate 14 million inhabitants of London's metropolitan area are too small to attract the worst of
the horrors, which will prefer alternate earths where the full complement of 3-14 billion sophonts.
Depending on the the habitability of the primary Earth in the aftermath of CNG, city leaders are be
directed to follow PROTOCOL NO SUNSET or PROTOCOL ONE-NIL.

SITING OF SURPRISE SYMBOL GATES

Laundry personnel shall liase with local authorities and follow all applicable laws and regulations
when choosing appropriate sites for SURPRISE SYMBOL gates. Site selection critieria include but
are not limited to

not near critical infrastructure

low economic impact resulting from destroyed infrastructure and civilian
collateral damage

official activities in area provide plausible cover for 24/7 site guard

prevailing winds avoid sensitive ecologicial sites

steady population 24/7 for optimum gate size control

near geographic centers of population to decrease total number of gates required

for target 99% population coverage
Where possible, Her Majesty's Prisons of Class A and B are preferred. Secondary preference is
given to economically low-performing neighborhoods with no current redevelopment plans.

STATUS
Implementation phase. Current coverage: 85% by population.

CODE NAME: NO CHILD LEFT

SUMMARY

Alleged Black Chamber CNG contingency plan

DESCRIPTION
NO CHILD LEFT
("STEM") . public
school programs
self esteem, while in homeschooling
programs,
serves to sensitize under-19s. This will enable
preferentially chosen as
vessels by . It is our opinion that
, and

HPV vaccine are effective

. Individual ownership of firearms
response protocol with 85% effectiveness before the beginning of state and federal armed response


conditioning embedded in Hannibal, NCIS, and Game
of Thrones. While the loss of substantially all under-19s will pose a substantial and multi-decade
demographic burden post- , it is preferable to the
alternatives.

Status
Both Mahogany Row and the Predictive Department agree this is not an actual Black Chamber
contingency plan; however, they disagree as to whether it is deliberate misinformation by the
Chamber, or an attempt by another state-level occult agency to discredit the Chamber as a rogue
actor for their own ends.

CODE NAME: DAGUERRE WAS WRONG

SUMMARY
Field-expedient counterpossession device

DESCRIPTION

This device consists of a standard disposable film camera with flash, centimeter-scale containment
grid, and a droplet of blood.
Begin by inscribing a standard containment pentacle on the collimating lens of the camera's flash
with any sharp instrument. Activate with a droplet of blood. Take a picture of the zombie or other
possessing exonome.
Effective for up to 27 exposures, depending on the camera.

CAUTION

Do not attempt to use DAGUERRE WAS WRONG with a digital camera.

Do not defeat the camera's automatic advance mechanism to perform additional
exposures. Once a frame of film contains an exonome, re-exposing it is dangerous.
Do not aim a DAGUERRE WAS WRONG camera at unpossessed humans, animals,
or architecture. The process of restoring souls stolen in this fashion is expensive and
does not have a high success rate
Always safely dispose of the resulting film. Do not under any circumstances
develop or print the film.

CODE NAME: CLOTTED PEARL

SUMMARY
The damned printer is out of paper again Bob
No it's not. Just re-send the print job Brains

DESCRIPTION
Prepare the affinity curve on standard adhesive-backed paper, then stick to the interior of the paper
tray. Insert a few sheets of new paper, then install in printer according to manufacturer instructions.
After the affinity curve accepts the imprint of the paper, it will find similar paper in similar paper trays
and move it to this paper tray when needed.

TROUBLESHOOTING
Symptom: Papers are already marked on one side
Cause: affinity curve has linked to a printer used by a recycling freak
Remedy: Move printer at least 6" in any direction and repeat affinity-linking process.
Caution: Burn the affected paper. Do not under any circumstances read it.
Symptom: Page image cut off on right side or bottom
Cause: affinity curve has linked to a tray with letter paper and you have selected A4, or vice versa.
Remedy: Repeatedly change document margins until you don't care any longer.
Remedy: Move printer at least 6" in any direction and repeat affinity-linking process.
Symptom: Printer is out of ink/toner
Cause: Printer is out of ink/toner
Remedy: Buy ink/toner. To date, no one has disclosed the invention of an affinity curve that works for
ink or toner.

CODE NAME: PLURAL NORTH PIPE

SUMMARY
Continuous testing infrastructure for Capital Laundry software development, including OFCUT.

DESCRIPTION

Early detection of software defects pays remarkable dividends in the total cost of system
development and maintainance. Capital Laundry Services software development branch (reintegrated since the failures at QnetiQ) follows recognized best practices in software development,
including MARITIME BLEACHING (the static analysis package for software written in CORAL-07)
and PLURAL NORTH PIPE, a continuous integration service.
This service consists of sixteen bunkers on lease from the British Armed Forces. Each bunker has
been divided into three suites. Each suite:

has been fitted with a tamperproof farady cage

is powered by twin diesel generators in redundant configuration

contains a fiber optic internet connection to receive testing versions of OFCUT

software

contains a damned soul (formerly a living Laundry employee), doomed to repeat

the events leading up to their deaths (destiny loop), with loop times from 3 minutes
to 17 hours, median 18 minutes
Each time a proposed change is submitted to the continuous integration server, the test build is
transmitted to 5 suites across at least 3 different bunkers and installed in the suite's OFCUT terminal.
Any variation in the details of the ensuing death compared to baseline are summarized and reported,
allowing the integration engineer to make an informed decision whether to accept or reject the
proposed change.

CAUTION

Do not attempt to make a change to OFCUT that allows the doomed soul to survive its destiny loop.
Replacing a soul consumed in this way is expensive, and you may be deemed a volunteer for the
position.

CODE NAME: PURPLE PURPLE DANUBE

SUMMARY
Slow-growth-strategy exonome

DESCRIPTION

Originally misidentified as a mundane viral infection, DANUBE is a possessor that exhiibits a lowexponent polynomial growth rate, rather than the exponential/sigmoid growth rate of garden-variety
exonomes.
Within a DANUBE infection cluster, the infection of Patient Zero is without apparent cause. Initial
symptoms include fever, joint pains, rash, and general fatigue. At this point, DANUBE is diffuse in the
patient's whole body, but is not infectious. This phase can last 1 week to 1 month.
In the second phase, DANUBE migrates into the nervous system, specifically into the myelin sheath,
and continues to replicate. Here, it begins to manipulate the host body's nervous system. Symptoms
include migraines, flashes of mathematical insight, muscle tremors, religious visions, xenoglossy,
and minor miracles. This phase can last indefinitely, but generally at least for a year.
In the third phase, DANUBE has reached steady state population in Patient Zero, and the patient
enters the infections stage of infestation. The patient begins to articulate a specific vision of
community. The vision can be religious or secular; logical or nonsensical; practical or frivolous. It is
unclear whether DANUBE merely gives Patient Zero uncommon persuasive power (for instance, by
internally modelling a prospective convert's mental states and then molding Patient Zero's behavior),
or is able to influence nervous systems remotely. In any case, Patient Zero may amass from a few
dozen to a few thousand converts with a short period of time, all of whom will become DANUBE
hosts.

In the final phase, DANUBE has become a colony-of-colonies organism. At this point, DANUBE
performs large-scale miracles such as extremely low-probability metorological events.
At some point, these miracles cease and DANUBE can no longer be detected in patients' central
nervous systems. (In some older and more dubious accounts, Patient Zero themselves disappears
when DANUBE does, but that has not been confirmed in any 20th or 21st century cases)
In some cases, after DANUBE departs, the created community is durable on the scale of at least
decades; in other cases, the community quickly splinters; in a few unfortunate cases, community
members engage in mass suicide.
It is hypothesized that in the late stage, DANUBE gathers enough energy from its hosts to project
parts of itself through a huge number of small gates into new hosts, most likely in other dimensions.
However, this theory does not seem to be falsifiable, as the required gates are individually too small
and low-energy to be detected against background thaumic activity.