Intellectual Jokes

12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

An average performance
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!

Computer Science 101

How easy is it to count in binary? Its as easy as 01 10 11.

Caesar on the rocks, please

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. You mean a martini? the bartender asks. The Roman replies, If I
wanted a double, I would have asked for it!
Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, Five beers, please.

Not to mention tremp

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

Speculative women's studies

A philosopher says to a linguist What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes? The linguist replied, They'd be
more possessive and have more frequent contractions.

Om my!
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Graduate-Level Statistics
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

The Sartre of living

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, Id like a
cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
The waitress replies, Im sorry, Monsieur, but were out of cream. How about with no milk?

One-upmanship
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After
years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: We make the best
violins in Italy. The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: We make the best violins in the
world. Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: We make the best violins on the block.

Intro to Comparative Religion

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, Dont do it!
He said, Nobody loves me.
I said, God loves you. Do you believe in God?
He said, Yes. I said, Are you a Christian or a Jew?
He said, A Christian. I said, Me too! Protestant or Catholic?
He said, Protestant. I said, Me too! What franchise?
He said, Baptist. I said, Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?
He said, Northern Baptist. I said, Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?
He said, Northern Conservative Baptist. I said, Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or
Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?
He said, Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region. I said, Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great

Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?
He said, Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, Die, heretic! And I pushed him
over. Emo Philips

Objectionable content
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. The 5th One

Had Me Confused!
I love a good smart joke, even if they sometimes take me a minute to figure out. Here's my favorite 20:

1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten.
Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then
stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're
it!" Newton replies "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room
and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could
travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it
pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to
actually reach her." The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one with everything." The buddhist
monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. "Where's my
change?" the monk asks. The vendor replies, "change comes from within".
4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress,
"I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream." the waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How
about with no milk?"
5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and
says "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?" Godel replies "We can't know that because
we're inside the joke." Chomsky says "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."
6. It's hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.
7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician says "I
don't know." The second logician says the same. The third says "Yes!"
9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" asks the bartender. The Roman
replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."
10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers please!"
11. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it's a boy or girl.
The logician replies "Yes."
12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain't what it used to be.

13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts "Oh! I forgot to feed the dog."
16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
17. Shrodinger's cat walks into the bar and doesn't.
18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here." The Higgs
Boson replied, "Well, without me, you can't have mass."
19. A programmer's wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The
programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
20. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet though.

15 of the funniest intellectual jokes

In response to their latest thread full of dumb jokes (scroll to bottom for that), a user at the social news site
Reddit called for nominations for the most intellectual jokes you know.
Some of the hundreds of submissions, as one writer in the Independent observed, require a working
knowledge of Heisenbergs uncertainty principle to understand.
Here are 15 of the best suggestions, in no particular order, most of which shouldnt demand a doctorate.
Sorry, intellectuals, theyre not all that intellectual.
1. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: Euripides? The
professor replies: Yes. Eumenides?
2. Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
3. What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? a person who stays up all
night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who dont.
5. A palindrome walks into a bar, says Yasraba Otni Sklawem Ordnilapa.
6. A neutron walks into a bar and asks, How much for a beer? The bartender replies For you? No
charge!
7. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve noble gases here.
He doesnt react.
8. The barman says: We dont serve faster-than-light particles here. A tachyon enters a bar.
9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

You mean a martini? the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!
10. Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drinks. I think not, Descartes says. And
then he disappears.
11. Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
12. Knock knock! Whos there? Knock knock! Whos there? Knock knock! Whos there? Philip Glass
13.When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
14. Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
[As one clever-clogs commented beneath, Thatd be Proudhon.]
15. A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies No
Im traveling light
And the highest ranked dumb joke?
This: A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of
him says Hey, youre a handsome fellow. The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine
Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. Youre a smart man. Starting
to freak out, the guy says to the bartender Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things
to me! Bartender says Dont worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.
Yeah.

21 Jokes So Clever You Probably Wont Understand Them

Because jokes are always funnier when only YOU can understand them, right?

1. Its hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

because they always take things literally.

2. Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

3. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

You mean a martini? the bartender asks. The Roman replies, If I wanted a double, I would have asked for
it!

4. Ren Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything.

Ren says, I think not, then disappears.

5. Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar

followed by Batman.

6. Yo mommas so classless
she could be a Marxist utopia.

7. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
Hes 0K now.

8. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders
half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, You fellas ought to know your limits.

9. Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings
Pavlov gasps, Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dogs.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with
his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, Do all of you want a drink?
The first logician says, I dont know.
The second logician says, I dont know.
The third logician says, Yes!

12. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.

13. Whats the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?

An etymologist knows the difference.

14. The other day my friend was telling me that I didnt understand what irony meant.
Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

15. There are two types of people in this world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

16. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. In English, he said, a
double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative
remains a negative.
But there isnt a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.
A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.

17. A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, No, Im traveling light.

18. Your momma is so mean

she has no standard deviation.

19. Im thinking about selling my theremin

I havent touched it in years.

20. What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

21. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?