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Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello, Rosa! Im Keren C., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to
improve your writing today. Let's get started!
*Writing Strength:
First, you cited your borrowed ideas like this one:
If one puts beauty at the center of their life, they will constantly feel ugly and try to find new
ways on how to be beautiful (Wallace 318).
It helps you avoid plagiarism. Good job, Rosa!
Main Idea/Thesis
Now, lets discuss your thesis statement. I dont see one, and you would want to present a thesis
statement so that the readers will know what youll prove in your discussion.
Remember that for a comparative-contrast thesis statement, it should identify the subjects being
compared/contrasted and the points of comparison (similarities) and/or points of contrast
(differences), for example:
Although Hans Christian Andersons (subject 1) stories have happy endings and the Grimms
brothers (subject 2) do not have happy endings (difference), both are entertaining stories
to children because of the interesting characters and moral lessons (similarities).
In your essay, you seem to be comparing Bambaras story from Wallaces story about perception. So
whats your main point about it? Are they the same, different, or both? How so? Using the sample
thesis above, Im sure youll be able to create your own thesis statement, Rosa!
Organization
Next, theres no comparison being made in your body section. You only describe the ideas of each
author about being alive and living. For instance, in your 4 th paragraph, you explained Barbaras
view of perception using Sugars character:
Such is the case for Sugar. She was motivated by the trip so much that when she was asked a
question by Miss Moore, she replied in a brilliant fashion, stating that she did not understand
how there were unequal opportunities for people in the same democracy (Bambara 99). All
these she says as Sylvia steps on her feet for her to keep quiet.
But what makes this view similar and/or different from Wallace? Theres no comparison made, so the
readers are left confused. They cannot see and understand how Wallaces story is similar and/or
different from Bambaras.
So that you make sure that a comparison is made in your discussion, follow the outline that your
thesis statement provides. If your thesis is comparative, then your discussion will also be comparative.

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To illustrate, lets use the sample thesis above: difference in happy endings (2 nd paragraph), similarity
in characters (3rd paragraph), and similarity in lessons (4th paragraph).
What then are the points of contrast and/or comparison listed in your thesis statement? How might
you use them as your guide to make your discussion comparative?

*Rosa 8454030 has requested that you respond to the Word Choice:
Finally, you dont use signaling phrases when you introduce a quote in a sentence, so you end up with
a floating quotation like this one:
There is no experience you've had that you were not at the absolute center of (Wallace 317).
Floating quotations are quotations that act as independent clauses (clause that can stand as its own
sentence). They are highly avoided because they seem to make the quotes randomly infused without
any relation to the discussion. The readers are then confused because they do not understand why the
quote is there or who said it.
To avoid floating quotations, use signal phrases to make it easier for the readers to connect your ideas
together like this:
There has been a study that argues how every person has a desire to stay young forever and
this means having to make themselves look less old (Jones 209).
By using a signaling phrase, the readers could then easily know where the quote is coming from or
who said it.
What signal phrase could you then for your floating quotation above use so that your readers will
know where the quote is coming from or who is saying it? Where else in your mark-up do you have a
floating quotation?

*Rosa 8454030 has requested that you respond to the Grammar &
Mechanics:
Since the quality of your draft needs some more improvement, focus first on the
areas I commented above before we review your grammar issues. In the meantime,
you might find this link helpful: Using Your Sources Wisely (Chapter 2: Section 3,
Lesson 8).
Summary of Next Steps:

Present a thesis statement that compares Wallaces story from Bambaras story.

Organize your body section according to your thesis statement to make your discussion
comparative.

Proofread for floating quotations.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision
process. Have a good day, Rosa!

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You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's
Handbook.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Rosa Fernandez
Professor Horner
Composition II/Online
12 September, 2016
Perception
The difference between being alive and living has seldom been talked about, yet it is
what has distinguished successful people from failures. Straight after being born and learning to
speak, it is not uncommon to hear that people want to "make it" and how it is becoming
increasingly difficult to do so in the modern world. Parents have undoubtedly contributed to this
catastrophe even without their knowledge, leading to a generation that just wades through life
save for a few. Only when they near death will they think back and notice that they were
swimming in the water all along. However, a closer observation of their youth reveals that they
were a classic example of the two tragic: And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then
eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, "What the hell is water?" (Wallace 315).
When confronted with someone who has realized the truth, they often hear but rarely follow
through with the lesson, and often are too quick to judge. "And we kinda hated her too, hated the
way we did the winos who cluttered up our parks and pissed on our handball walls and stank up
our hallways and stairs so you couldn't halfway play hide-and-seek without a goddamn gas mask.
Miss Moore was her name" (Bambara 96). [The thesis statement is normally presented at the

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end of the introduction so that it can provide a smooth transition into the body section.
What thesis statement can you then present here?]
Perception is all that defines what a person eventually turns out to be. Wallace identifies
the key as the desire for people to be self-centered. There is no experience you've had that you
were not at the absolute center of (Wallace 317). The vice is deeply embedded in them that they
sometimes go through life without even realizing it. The world revolves around them, and all that
people should do is consider them. Their selfishness is what eventually leads to their misery.
What people put at the center of their life is what defines them. You get to decide what to
worship (Wallace 317). If one puts beauty at the center of their life, they will constantly feel
ugly and try to find new ways on how to be beautiful (Wallace 318). What they fail to realize,
however, is that they live a life based on other peoples expectations and not their own. With
different perceptions, people can indeed make a difference. They will not just stay alive but live,
but this would only happen if only they were to place the right intentions at the center of their
lives. Instead of placing themselves, they could be virtue driven or humanity-centered. That not
only makes life easier for them but also makes it interesting. They are not confined to the
ordinary thinking that drives men and can instead live on to achieve great leaps of success in
their lives.
However, even when confronted with the truth, rarely do they listen and adhere to advice.
[This sentence signals the readers that you are contrasting Wallaces story from Bambaras
story, but what difference is that? Its not clear in this sentence. Are you saying that
Wallaces believe that when confronted with the truth, the person adheres to the advice?
Please clarify your comparison.] Their selfishness drives them into believing that they are selfrighteous; that whatever is right according to them is the universal truth- a fallacy that leads them

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to their tragic endings. They may be conscious at that moment that they are being told, and may
even exhibit momentary consciousness of the errors of their living, but they are soon drawn back
to their self-centered ways. A practical example is given in The Lesson where the children, even
after seeing the different life that the other white community children are privileged to have, drift
back to spending their cab fare (Bambara 100). Miss Moore might have had noble intentions
whereby she believed that anyone had a right to decent life and should be entitled to the luxuries
that they needed (Bambara 100). The children, however, maybe as a result of circumstance and
pessimism, do not find these lessons as important hence their behavior.
However, the truth has a way of making its impact. It may not work for everyone, but
when positively interpreted, it makes one come alive to the possibilities that surround them. Such
is the case for Sugar. She was motivated by the trip so much that when she was asked a question
by Miss Moore, she replied in a brilliant fashion, stating that she did not understand how there
were unequal opportunities for people in the same democracy (Bambara 99). All these she says
as Sylvia steps on her feet for her to keep quiet. This proves that perceptions can indeed be
transformed. What happens next is, however, the root of all problems that successful nurturing of
transformed

perception

endures;

discouragement.

Whether

from

self

or

externally,

discouragement wears off progress, thus confining the individual to a life of average or mediocre
performance. In Sugars case, the discouragement was external as it was from her friend
Sylvia. Sylvia manages to silence her, thus proving that discouragement can be an effective tool
for progress (Bambara 101). However, Sylvia's intentions are masked because Miss Moore's trip
has gotten her out of her comfort zone regarding thinking. In the end, she goes home to ponder
on the meaning of it. We start down the block and she gets ahead which is O.K. by me cause
Im going to the West End and then over to the Drive to think this day through. (Bambara 101).

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[The mechanical rule is to place the period outside the quotation marks after the citation,
for example: The farmer whispers, Be quiet (Jones 22). The logic behind is that even if
the citation is not part of the quote, its still part of the sentence. Which period should you
then remove from your sentence?]
Perception of life forms the basis by which people determine their success levels.
Optimism and the desire to get more out of life are key. Hard work and perseverance also go a
long way in assisting one achieve the set goals. However, without the proper perception of life,
one would not be able to identify the opportunities that exist in their life, and hence even with the
hard work, it would be like a powerful but rudderless ship. [So what are you comparing or
contrasting in this essay? Is it about hard work and perseverance or about the stories
of Wallace and Bambara? Youll effectively end your discussion if you remind the readers
about the main point of your discussion.]

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Works Cited
Bambara, Toni Cade. "The Lesson." The Human Experience (2013): 96-101. Literature.
Wallace, David Foster. "Commencement Speech, Kenyon College." The Human Experience.
(2013): 315-20. Literature.