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The Killorglin Pantomime Group


are proud to present
their 52nd annual pantomime

Jack and the Beanstalk


The Giant of a Pantomime

Written and produced by Declan Mangan


Musical Direction by Martin Hurley
Choreography by Jackie O' Mahoney

WWW.KILLORGLINPANTO.COM

(c) 2014/15 Killorglin Pantomime Group and Declan Mangan.


All rights reserved to the owner of this published work.
Any unauthorised hiring, lending, public broadcasting, sale or copying of this work is strictly prohibited.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
ACT ONE

PROLOGUE - We Meet The Secret Millionaire

SCENE #1 - The Village Square in Boravia

SCENE #2 - A Roadside Outside the Village

SCENE #3 - Inside the Dame's Cottage

SCENE #4 - The Beanstalk (Outside Dame's Cottage)

INTERVAL

ACT TWO
SCENE #5 - The Giant's Kitchen

SCENE #6 - Down From the Beanstalk

SCENE #7 - Sunday Night at the Boravia Palladium

SCENE #8 - Help is At Hand

SCENE #9 - The Waterfall Above the Village

SCENE #10 - Parody Time

SCENE #11 - Finale / Bows & Playout

CAST OF CHARACTERS in order of appearance

TOWN
CRIER......................................................................................................................
.Morgan O' Sullivan
DAME
ROAREM..................................................................................................................
......Declan Mangan
JACK........................................................................................................................
..................Jack Patrick Healy
SILLY
SALLY.......................................................................................................................
..Jackie O' Mahoney
ARMILDA THE COW.............................................................................Geraldine
Foyle & Christine Healy
HECTOR
POIROT....................................................................................................................
.....Stephen Mills
LORD
MAYOR....................................................................................................................
............Kieran Flynn
MAJOR
WHITCH..............................................................................................................Ai
dan Block-Clifford
COLONEL
WHATCH.................................................................................................................
.Colm Clifford
CONIVING
CORNIE...................................................................................................................
.........Sen Joy

4
CLLR.
FEENEY...................................................................................................................
.....Seodhna Murphy
CLLR.
FAIL.........................................................................................................................
...............Lisa Corkery
PRINCESS
DELILA
OF
BORAVIA.................................................................................Sophianne Horgan
GIANT
PEPPERONI.............................................................................................................
....Kevin Moriarty
CLAIRE
LE
POTIQUIER...........................................................................................................A
mber Ambre

SYNOPSIS OF MUSICAL NUMBERS


#1 Bonjour / Good Morning Dame
#2 Happy
#3 I Can Go The Distance
#4 Kutest Kiddies Section
#5 You've Got A Friend In Me
#6 Panto Time (Konga)
#7 Home (Should Be Where the Heart Is)
#8 Jump
#9 Accidentally In Love
#10 Let It Go
#11 Seasons of Love
#12 The Cow Slip Jig (Cow Dance)
#13 La Vie En Rose
#14 Show Me The Way To Amarillo
#15 Freak Out

5
#16 Dame's Parody
#17 Somebody To Love

ACT ONE
SCENE #1 - THE VILLAGE SQUARE IN BORAVIA

Musical Number #1 - BONJOUR / GOOD MORNING DAME

TOWN CRIER
Move along to the Town Hall, the Burgomaster wants to address you. (as the
chorus exits, he sits) That's enough work for a while.Time for a hardworking
man to relax. (reads a comic)

(DAME ROAREM and SILLY SALLY enter)

DAME
Where you are you lazy good for nothing Sally and myself have been all over the
place looking for you. Isnt that right Sally?

SALLY
Thats right Mama.

DAME
Thank you daughter. Now Mr. Roarem, where is it?

TOWN CRIER
Where's what my dear?

DAME
Listen to him trying to soft soap me.Hes the brother of my late husband and
hes trying to get familiar. Where is the key of the house, stupid.

TOWN CRIER
Oh the key of the house. Ooh, aah, let me see

DAME
Enough of your oohs and aahs. We hear enough of that when its your turn to
buy the
dinner. Isnt that right Sally?

SALLY
It is Ma. He always says oh my sore a

DAME
Thats enough Sally.Watch your manners or youll turn out worse than that
uncle of yours, all he can do is blow, blow, blow.

TOWN CRIER
Youre no bad windbags yourself if it goes to that.

DAME
Well of all the cheek, Sally give me your school bag, I want to give your uncle a
lesson.

(she belts him of stage. Enter Major Whitch and Colonel Whatch from opposite
side)

WHITCH
Well well, well, isnt that a sight to see, Mrs. Roarem in domestic harmony.

WHATCH
I pity the Town Crier, he has plenty of reason to cry with her around.Lets go
over and
see if we can pick up some news from her, she usually has all the
village gossip.

WHITCH
Good morning Madame Roarem. Lovely day for using your elbow.

DAME
What?

WHATCH
Here I am, what do you want?

DAME
No,I just said what.

WHITCH
Dont look at me Mam when you say what. Hes Whatch, Im Whitch. Major
Whitch actually.

DAME
I know what you are all right Whitch you twit. When I said what I mean what
not Whatch, Major Whitch.

WHATCH
Oh I see what she means now Whitch, she meant what-like when civilised
people would
say pardon.

DAME
What do you mean by that you major twit.

8
WHITCH
Ah hold on ,I told you Im Major Whitch, and hes Colonel Whatch. Do you
understand?

DAME
You darn right I understand Youre two of the biggest gombeens who ever put
on a soldiers
uniform, If two wasps staged a civil flights demonstration
you two would buzz of with the fright. Amnt I right Sally?

SALLY
Oh yes Mamma, those two fellas have no guts.

DAME
Sally Roarem, watch your language, youve gone to the dogs since you got that
Ipad. Come on out of here before I lose my temper with these two battle axes.

(DAME ROAREM and SALLY exit)

WHITCH
Were well rid of those two. Shes a right hairpin ,shed make your hair
curl.Thank goodness we are not like her, we have no faults.Well at least I
havent any, you have a few
whoppers yourself.

WHATCH
Listen to the twisted mind thats talking. I wouldnt trust you with my life. If you
were drowning I wouldnt throw you a rope.

WHITCH
And if you did, I wouldnt catch it.Now enough of chatter, remember today is a
big day
in Boravia, huge crowds so I suppose we will have the usual
slippery costumers.

9
WHATCH
We must look out for Coniving Cornie, hes worse than a wet bar of soap hes so
slippery.

(enter CONIVING CORNIE ,wearing an obvious disguise)

CORNIE
Good morning officers, it is good to see that you are looking after the interest
of the honest
citizens.

WHITCH
Good morning Sir, how can we help you, can we direct you to the Village
Museum-

WHATCH
Or Village church? school? art gallery?

CORNIE
No no, I have a little problem, I am a travelling salesman with some extremely
rare objects to
sell, but unfortunately, I cannot stay around until the Market
opens

WHITCH
(winking to Whatch)
Now, now Mr.Salesman, before you attempt to sell anything Im sure you are
aware of Bye Law 49 of the Constitution, Section 2, paragraph 3, --and I
quote-"in relation to Boravia Fair, no hawkers, salesmen, chancers and the like,
shall endeavour to discharge
sell or try to get rid of their wares without prior
permission of the proper authority"

WHATCH
And the bit about the Proper Authority----- thats us.

10

CORNIE
Oh I beg your pardon your officerships, I didnt mean any offence, does that
mean I must leave here without giving some lucky person the chance to
purchase my valuable goods at rock bottom prices.

WHITCH
And what is your rock bottom price?

CORNIE
Well I was hoping to make twenty shillings, but even ten shillings would be fair
enough.

WHITCH
Well seeing as how you have no licence my colleague and I will do you a good
turn, well take that bag of valuables from you for one shilling.

CORNIE
One shilling.but thats robbery---

WHATCH
We are the judges of robbery around here, now heres your shilling

WHITCH
(takes CONIVING CONNIE's bag)
and be off with you before we show you the inside of our jail-

(CONIVING CONNIE exits running, they look at bag)

WHATCH

11
Well what valuable have we got for a song?

WHITCH
Theres something wrapped up in a note, feels like gold. (reads) A pleasure
doing business
two magic beans for a shilling. Signed, Coniving Cornie.

WHATCH
Weve been tricked again, quick after him

WHITCH
Too late, here come the Lord Mayor and his entourage.

(enter LORD MAYOR and Councillors FEENEY and FAIL)

FEENEY
You summoned us Burgomaster-

FAIL
And you said it was a matter of grave importance

FEENEY
Surely there cannot be anything wrong on this great day in Boravia-

FAIL
Where hundreds come from all the Valley to celebrate our great Fair and
Festival

LORD MAYOR

12
Yes. yes, I know what day it is, but some serious happenings are going on in
the
upper Mountains.This morning I have received intelligence from a new
investigator I
hired to check out disturbing rumours which have made
their way to my ear

FEENEY
A private investigator? To whom do you refer?

LORD MAYOR
The most famous private investigator in the land-

FAIL
You dont mean

LORD MAYOR
I do, the renowned sleuth Hector O Poirot.

FEENEY and FAIL (together)


Hector O Poirot?

(enter HECTOR. Dressed as the famous Agatha Christie TV detective)

HECTOR
Did somebody call, well here I am, Hector O Poirot, renowned star of TV ,Film
and fluent in
several languages, Conas t sibh? bien venue? and howdy
folks, who are the smashing dolls. Y our Burgership;

BOTH
(feeling overawed) Im Feeney/, Im Fail, delighted to meet you Im sure .Youre
gorgeous.

13
HECTOR
Well if you say so, who am I to deny a vision of beauty .

BURGOMASTER
Enough of prattle Mr.O Poirot. We are here to listen to your report.

HECTOR
But of course. I always go straight to business, vous etes lovely ladies.(He pulls
out large file).Now I have carried out the investigations in the matter referring
to the Giant Pepperoni.

BOTH
The Giant, oh no, (they faint)

HECTOR
Courage lovely ladies, Hector is here.Now your Burgership, it appears that
Giant Pepperoni
had decided to forego the treaty he had made with the
Boravian Council, in spite of
assurances from Councillor Flynn Quigg that all
was settled.He is going to take complete control of the Upper Lakes of the
River.

BURGOMASTER
But if he does that it will cut off the water supply to our scenic Waterfall.

FEENEY
Our income from Tourists could run dry.

FAIL
Our water supply could run dry.

BURGO

14
We couldnt collect from the Water Meters, Our Exchequer could run dry. Mr.O
Poirot what can we do?

HECTOR
Never fear, Hector is here. Look the villagers approach, say nothing of this for
the
moment, I will put a plan in place and report back, in the meantime you
lovely ladies
and your Burgership, enjoy the fun of the festival

(the chorus enters, celebrating the village fair.)


HEIKE
Well my dear, are you ready to open the Fair, all the villagers are ready to
celebrate.

BURGOMASTER
What ? oh yes, the Festival, of course.

HECTOR
And who have we here?

HEIKE
I am Heike, the Burgomasters handsome wife.

HECTOR
I can see you are not shy, and indeed you do tell the truth, you are indeed
handsome.

HEIKE
Why thank you Sir, and who are you?

BURGOMASTER

15
I will explain him in a moment, but first, citizens of Boravia, it gives me great
pleasure to declare open our annual Festival of Boravia.

MUSICAL NUMBER #2 - HAPPY

SCENE #2 - ON A ROADSIDE OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE

DAME
Now son, remember you must get the very best price for Aramilda.

JACK
Yes Ma.

SALLY
I dont want Aramilda to go Ma.

(Enter Hector, with notebook)

HECTOR
Pardon my interruption Madame et mes enfants, but who have we here?

DAME
More to the point who have we here, you are interrupting a private family
conversation.

HECTOR
Ah Madame, pardon my manners, allow me to introduce myself, I am Hector O
Poirot,
private investigator, working for the Burgomaster, here are my ID
Cards (opens several)

16

SALLY
Ma Ma, he must be famous.

JACK
What are you investigating.?

HECTOR
Hush, that is confidential. Now once again you are??

DAME
I am Dame Roarem, my son Jack, my daughter Sally, our soon to be departed
cow Aramilda.
Jack make sure you get a magical price at the fair or our
house and farm are gone.

HECTOR
And why are you in danger of losing your house and farm.

DAME
Well if you understood the way my ex husband ran through money betting on
World Cups. Horses, betfair, Paddy Power, the lot, hes even gone to the dogs.
Why dont you come down
to my cottage, I shouldnt be talking in front of
the children, Ill make a nice cuppa cha, Sally
come with me, Jack to the
fair

(DAME, POIROT and SALLY exit)

JACK
Oh Aramilda, I hate to have to sell you, you have the nicest milk in the Valley.
Give me one last pint before we must part

17
(GAG - milks cow, gets milk carton. Enter WHITCH and WHATCH).

WHATCH
Look Whitch, thats a fine looking animal over there. I think shed be more
suited to our
hungry stomachs than these so called magic beans.

WHITCH
We will pull rank on that young fella. (to Jack) Good morning young man, what
are
you doing in Boravia Town?

JACK
Good morning your excellencies, I have come to Boravia for the great Fair-Im
going to
sell this fine animal.

WHATCH
Whitch did you hear that, will you look at what he calls a fine animal, youd get
more fat on a skinny greyhound.
(cow moos and charges him)

WHITCH
Watch it Whatch, I think youve offended her dignity. Listen young man I think
you ar
making a terror of an error.

JACK
An error, you mean a mistake. What mistake.

WHATCH
Well your terminology is slightly astray.

JACK

18
My what?

WHITCH
The clown means your terminology. Hes reclined to make grammatical errors
when he
attempts to use any word with more than four letters.

WHATCH
Termopology or terminpology whatever it is - I mean boy that heap of bones, is
the furthest thing I ever saw from a fine animal, you wont get a bob for her at
the fair.
( cow attacks Whatch, bull fighting business)

JACK
Easy Aramilda, sorry your excellencies, he is inclined to forget her manners at
times.
Aramilda say youre sorry.
(Cow curtsies)( WHITCH and WHATCH whisper)

WHITCH
Young man, because you seem to be a very mannerable fellow, we in our
generosity have decided to buy this animal from you.We are willing to give you
something of
great value, in exchange for her nibs (cow moos) I mean for
Aramilda.

JACK
Something of great value, oh Ma will be delighted.

WHATCH
Young man this is your lucky day, for this broken down bicycle with antlers we
are going
to give you these magical beans which one day will make you a
fortune.

WHITCH

19
You can consider this the bargain of a lifetime. Men have risked sweat and
blood to lay their hands on these magical beans. Here what do you say,
(holds out hand)

JACK
Well ah I dont know, let me see
(holds out hand, Whitch slaps it in bargain fashion)

WHATCH
Bargain has been done. Come on Whitch, grab our meals on wheels

(Aramilda chases the

two off stage, Jack looks at beans)

JACK
I hope these beans are as magical as they say or Ma will have my head. Oh
Aramilda have I done the right thing.

MUSICAL NUMBER #3 - I CAN GO THE DISTANCE

(Blackout to scene end.)

SCENE #3 - THE DAME'S COTTAGE


(Dame and Hector seated, Sally doing her lessons.)

DAME
This is my humble home Mr. Hector O Porridge.

20
HECTOR
O Poirot Madame. When you said humble I didnt realise that it was this
humble. You obviously do not get many visitors here.

SALLY
Oh we do, Mamma says the house is visited by several mice every night.

DAME
Sally, do not speak until spoken to. Sally go and get Mr. O Poirot a cup of tea
and then do your lessons. And not to worry about the mice Hector, I have
developed a secret weapon.

HECTOR
A secret weapon, how interesting. What do you call it?

DAME
A mousetrap ( she brings a giant mousetrap ). It doubles up as a burglar alarm.

HECTOR
How novel. I can see Madame is a lady full of surprises.

DAME
And Id say youre no daw yourself. Ah here is Sally with the teapot. Good girl
Sally. Now pour us a cuppa and do your lessons. Mr. O Poirot might give you a
hand.
(business with ever pouring teapot, ad lib.)

DAME
Its very nice to have a bit of civilised company Mr. O---Hector, I may call you
Hector?

21
HECTOR
Of course Madame. But what about your husband?

DAME
You mean my ex? What about him? He scooted off and reports home once a
year at Christmas.You could mistake him for the crackers, all fancy wrapping
and explodes at a pull
( ally comes in and sits at the table with lessons)

SALLY
Ma you said you and Mr.O Peerage would help me with my lessons.

HECTOR
O Poirot, oh never mind. I see you are doing Mathematics.Tell me what is 12
times 12?

SALLY
One hundred and fourteen

HECTOR
Thats good.

SALLY
Good? Thats bloody perfect.
( ducks clout from Mother---ad lib)

DAME
(reads) Give me a sentence with the word fascinate in it.

22
HECTOR
That might be a little difficult for a small girl.

SALLY
Oh no its not. If I had a dress with ten buttons in it, and two fell out, then I
could only fasten 8.

DAME
Look at that Hector, the child is a genius.

SALLY
Ma, Ma, I learned a poem today, can I say it for Mr.Eggtor?

HECTOR
How charming, please do.

SALLY
Mary had a little lamb, it leaped around in hops
It rambled on the road one day, and finished up as chops.

DAME
Sally Roarem, one more word from you and and and
(door opens, ENTER JACK)
Jack my fine son, here you are at last, its good to see that you are on your own,
have you sold Aramilda?

JACK
Well mother , you see---

HECTOR

23
Madame I can see looking out the window that there is no cow, obviously he did
sell
Aramilda.

DAME
Good boy Jack, what did you get for her.

JACK
Well ah Ma- its not exactly easy to tell

SALLY
Oh stop beating about the bush big brother, what about the bread- the money?

JACK
Well I got an excellent bargain-

HECTOR
Clever boy. How excellent was this bargain. 100 shillings?

JACK
Well not quite that.

DAME
50 shillings? 40?30?20?10?
(Jack keeps shaking no)

SALLY
5?4?3?2?
( Jack nods head)

24
ALL
Two shillings?

JACK
Not quite. I got two of these. ( he gives bag to Dame)

DAME
(looks in bag)
2 beans?? 2 beans. If I wanted beans Id have gone to Super Valu and got a
bloody crateful.

JACK
But Ma, the note with them said they are magic beans.

DAME
The only magic you are going to see is the way I can make dust disappear from
the seat of your trousers.
(she throws beans out the window and makes a drive for Jack. Hector
intervenes)

HECTOR
Madame, I can see that your son is an honest boy and has been deceived by
some crafty gentlemen. Look it is very late, you said that you can give me some
accommodation for the night, in the morning I will accompany him to the village
and search for those blackguards. Yes?

JACK
That sounds like a great idea Ma.

SALLY
But Ma, we have no spare bed?

25

DAME
Of course we have, Jack you show Mr.O Poirot to your bed and you can use
Aramildas boudoir.

SALLY
But Ma, thats full of sh---

DAME
Shush girl. Its all settled, now off you go, get a good nights sleep and maybe
the morning will bring a change of fortune.
MUSICAL NUMBER #4 - THE KUTEST KIDDIES SECTION
(They all retire. After a short interval mice enter crawling - into Killorglin's
Kutest Kiddies Section. At end of song the smallest children go over to the
beans, shake some magic beans and exit. THE MAGIC BEANSTALK GROWS in
UV light. Scene has changed from inside of cottage to outside cottage, where
the Beanstalk overshadows everything)

SCENE #4 - THE BEANSTALK (OUTSIDE DAME'S COTTAGE)


( Aramilda comes charging in, stops at door and moos. Jack opens the door)

JACK
Aramilda, you are back, how did you escape
(cow moos and points at beanstalk)
Easy now, hush or youll wake the household, and
(roars as he sees beanstalk)
MAA,MAA.

DAME

26
(coming from cottage) Stop that shouting son, youll wake up the
neighbourhoodAAH whats that doing in my front lawn.

SALLY
Why is everyone shouting Ma---AAH---

(enter Hector)

HECTOR
Such a commotion so early in the morning, has everyone(they all point) AAH.
Cest incredable! What is this huge growth doing in your front lawn?

JACK
It must have been those beans, I told you they were magic beans.Look the
beanstalk is goin up, up ,up,

SALLY
And up and up

DAME
All the way into the skies.

HECTOR
Indeed it is, I must summon the Burgomaster immediately.

DAME
Are you going to run?

HECTOR
Not at all, Ill get him on my IPad, I left it by my bedside (runs into house).

27

JACK
Mother, Im going to climb that beanstalk, maybe it will lead to our fortune.

SALLY
Can I go too, please.

JACK
Youre too small, and girls are too weak to climb.

SALLY
Too weak? Try this to test my strength. (she belts him)

DAME
Children, stop that outrageous behaviour. Jack you can climb the beanstalk,
Sally you can go too but only on one condition.

BOTH
Yes. What condition?

DAME
That Im going too. Remember family rules and you wouldn't have been here
with me!

MUSICAL NUMBER #5 - YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME

Re-enter HECTOR.

HECTOR

28
The Burgomaster and all the Villagers are on the way. They are agog at the
news.

DAME
The Burgomaster coming here, come on children time to wash our faces.

JACK
But what about Aramilda, she has returned again.

DAME
Aramilda? Oh yes, Hector would you do me a favour for a moment and mind a
lady.

HECTOR
Enchantez Madame, anything to help a lady in distress.

DAME
Good.Jack give him the cow. Merci Hector.
(they give cow to Hector and exit).

HECTOR
Me, minding a cow? What am I to do (cow runs off). Oh Madame Aramilda come
back here. ( hes about to run off, enter Whitch and Whatch)

WHITCH
Hello, hello, hello, who have we here.

WHATCH
Have you got your ID or driving licence?

HECTOR

29
Pardonez moi Messieurs, I can see from you garb that you are gentlemen of
importance correct?

BOTH
Correct.

HECTOR
And being gentlemen of importance, you are quick to find solutions to problems
correct?

BOTH
Correct again.

HECTOR
Good, now here is a problem for you

WHITCH
Hold on a minute we are the ones asking the questions around here.

WHATCH
Who are you?

HECTOR
I am Hector O Poirot, investigator of note and my question for you is, have you a
pound?

WHITCH
Well let me see, I have (counts a few coins), no only 7 and 6 pence.

WHITCH

30
Hang on ,I have a few bob here---hold on a minute, what do you want our money
for?

HECTOR
Messieurs Messieurs, forgive the misunderstanding, when I said pound I did not
mean pound as in legal tender.

WHITCH
Well a pound is a pound ,thats simple except we cant get enough of them with
the pay we get

WHATCH
Not to mention, VAT,PAYE,PRSI,

WHITCH
VHI, Property Tax, Water Tax, TV Licence, Dog Licence, Motor Licence

WHATCH
The cost of surviving is high in Boravia so Mister Hector no pound for you.

HECTOR
No, no, as I say you misunderstand, I am talking about a Pound for Animals, you
see I have been entrusted with the care of a cow who seems to have come here
from the---

WHITCH
Is that a black and white cow

WHATCH
With horns and a vicious temper

31

HECTOR
Why yes, your description is very accurate.

WHITCH
Because that is our cow, where is she-

WHATCH
Wait until I get my hands on her
(Aramilda enters and chases the two off as Burgomaster and others enter)

BURGOMASTER (calls)
Mr. O Poirot, Mr.O Poirot, we are here (enter Hector) Ah there you are, what is
so urgent that needs me to abandon my two boiled eggs for breakfast.

HECTOR
Ah voila Burgomaster, voila.

BURGOMASTER
What is he talking about?

HEIKE
I think he means this (points to Beanstalk)

HECTOR
Exactementvoila.

BURGOMASTER
Ah ah ah what is that?

32

HECTOR
It is a giant beanstalk that goes up,up up into the clouds.How it got here is a
mystery, where it goes we intend to find out.

HEIKE
How are you going to do that?

HECTOR
Climb it of course. The young man of the house is going to lead the way.

BURGOMASTER
But you said it was a matter of state importance in what way? and where are my
councillors?

(enter Feeney and Fail rushing)

FEENEY
Right here Burgomaster we came the minute we got your call.

BURGOMASTER
But that was several minutes ago;

FAIL
We hardly could come out in public without applying the make up

FEENEY
And doing the hair. We are public representatives and we must present
ourselves to the public looking our best.

33

BURGOMASTER
If thats the best ,God help the rest.

HEIKE
Oh do be sensible Burgomaster. Now Mr.Poirot could you calmly explain what is
going on.

HECTOR
Certainly Madame, it is good to see that there is one sensible person here. Now
as you can see we have here a giant beanstalk. How it got here does not matter,
all that matters is that it is here. And by my calculations this beanstalk goes
right up into the sky and I believe it will lead us to the Giants castle. We should
leave right away.

FEENEY
You must be joking.

HECTOR
Do you see me laughing.Burgomaster you must organise this climb straight
away.

BURGOMASTER
What? But of course.(calls) Town Crier (enter Roarem) Town Crier summon the
Mountaineering Club, tell Major Whitch and Colonel Whatch they are to lead
the team and all are to assemble here immediately.

TOWN CRIER
At once if not sooner Burgomaster.

(exits enter Dame Jack and Sally in climbing gear)

34

DAME
Im glad to see you are all action Burgomaster. The Mountaineering Club are
going to climb the beanstalk, correct?

BURGOMASTER
Why yes, correct.

DAME
Lead by Whitch and Whatch, correct?

BURGOMASTER
Correct.

DAME
Not correct. This is my land, my beanstalk and we will be lead by my son (Sally
cries) and daughter. Correct.

JACK AND SALLY


Correct.

BURGOMASTER
But if I may say---

DAME
You may not. Hector you are in agreement with me?

HECTOR
I am? But of course Madame, it will be my pleasure to follow you up the
beanstalk and keep an eye (Dame looks at him) on developments.

35
HEIKE
Here are our climbers

(chorus, lead by WHITCH and WHATCH enter)

JACK
Then all is ready. Our adventure on the beanstalk begins.

MUSICAL NUMBER #6 - PANTO TIME (KONGA)

END OF ACT ONE - CURTAIN - INTERVAL

ACT TWO

SCENE #5 - THE GIANT'S KITCHEN


Scene opens with Delila and Chorus---dressed as servants, polishing, tidying etc.
After song, the chorus EXIT.

36

DELILA
Work, work, work, my job is never done. Giant Pepperoni has the appetite of 10
men and all I ever do is cook for him, feed him, clean up after him and it takes
hours to iron his shirt. How I wish I could get out of this place. How I came
here, I dont know, but I seem to be here for as long as I can remember.If only I
knew who I am, or where my home is maybe I could find a way to get out of
here.

MUSICAL NUMBER # - HOME (SHOULD BE WHERE THE HEART IS)


At end of song, there is a Noise off stage.

DELILA
That must be the Giant, Id better look busy, busy, busy. (door opens, enter Jack)

JACK
Hello, excuse me.

DELILA
Why hello, who are you? Ive never seen you around here before. What is your
name?
How did you get here?

JACK
Well my name is Jack, and I live in Boravia, but how I got here is a long
story.But tell me where am I, what is your name and how did you get here?

DELILA
Well my name is Delila, I work in this castle, and how I got here is also a long
story.

JACK

37
We both seem to have the same story, You tell me yours first, ladys privilege
you know.

DELILA
Thank you kind sir.I have been here for years and years, working for my master,
cooking and tidying the house is a full time job.I cant remember how or when I
came here. I do have
dreams of a friendly village with a lovely castle, I wish
I could be there instead but alas
it all seems to be wishful thinking. Now
what about you?

JACK
This might sound like a tall story, but I got here by climbing a beanstalk.

DELILA
Oh Jack, you must be joking.

JACK
Not really. Yesterday two men gave me beans which they said were magical, my
mother threw
the beans out the window and this morning when I awoke, a
giant beanstalk stood outside our window.

DELILA
How exciting. Did you say the name of your village is Boraviathat sounds
familiar but I
dont know why.Tell me more about Boravia and yourself.

JACK
There isnt much to tell, I live in a little cottage with my Mother and sister Sally,
and I had a pet
cow named Aramilda. Boravia is in trouble because the Giant
Pepperoni is threatening to cut off our water supply, nobody knows how to find
the Giant or how to get the better of him.

DELILA
Why Jack this is Giant Pepperonis castle, he is my master

38

JACK
This is his castle? Is he as strong as people say?

DELILA
Indeed he is, listen I hear him coming, youd better hide, quick out this way.

(Jack and Delila exit. Giant Peperoni enters)

GIANT
Fee Fi Fo Fum, By the wings of flies and the legs of spiders I can smell the blood
of an outsider.
Who is he, where can he be? (roars) Delila, come here and
tell me.
(enter Delila shaking)

DELILA
You called Master.

GIANT
Indeed I did you wench. Where have you been?

DELILA
Outside.

GIANT
I know youve been outside, but where and with whom? I know some stranger
has been here.
Answer me, answer me or youll pay for it.

DELILA
But Master, no stranger has been here for years

39

GIANT
Youre hiding something.Answer me, I want the truth, who has been here
(he goes to grab her

she runs off)

Come back here ,Ill knock the truth out of you.


(runs off)
(enter Coniving Cornie)

CORNIE
My, ,my, what have we here? Well, well, quite a monstrous looking place, if you
pardon the pun. The owner seems to be large on everything. Lots of valuables
lying around, I could make a good few bob if I could hock some of these items.
Oh, oh, sounds like Im going to have company,
Ill slip under the bedit
looks more like a double decker bus. (he hides)

(enter Whitch and Whatch)

WHITCH
Phew, Im dead after that climb. I wouldnt like to do it every morning before
breakfast.

WHATCH
Maybe if you did it would get rid of some of your extra waistline.But it was a
strenuous
climb, even for a fit man like myself.

WHITCH
Listen to whose talking, I had to carry you on my back most of the time, if there
were another five feet on that beanstalk you never would have made it. The
strongest
part of your body is your imagination.

WHATCH
Arent you a barrel of fun. Youd do well in a circus. You remind me of a sardine
with his head hanging out of a tin, half canned.

40

WHITCH
Oh so youre trying to be funny. Well smarty, what would you call a crate of
ducks.

WHATCH
A box of feathers?

WHITCH
No, a box of crackers. (roars laughing).

WHATCH
Dont laugh too much, I couldnt fix your sides if you split them laughing.

WHITCH
Very well dry box, to change the subject, what do you thin k of our politicians?

WHATCH
Quigg and Flynn?

WHITCH
Not those two, sure theyre barely out of kindergarden. I was referring to
Feeney and Fail. You must admit there two good looking deputies, not to
mention their
fat salariesand privileges.

WHATCH
I like your thinking Major,

WHITCH

41
We must pay them more attention when we get out of this placea rather
strange
looking place isnt it? It looks real spooky.

WHATCH
Dont mention that word spookyit gives me a bad feeling.You know Major
because of the climb, Im dog tired. What do you say to a rest.

WHITCH
Just the indigestion I was about to make. Thats a fine looking bed over there,
lets take a nap

WHATCH
(goes to bed)
This bed could fit the Kerry team.Lets hop in.
(they hop in. Coniving Cornie roars OUCH )

WHITCH
Colonel did you hear that noise, this place is haunted-lets get out of here.

WHATCH
Im after you Major, run.
(exeunt. Cornie comes out rubbing his head)

CORNIE
I sure frightened those feather brains. The Army is blessed with them. Someone
else is coming
, Im not going under the bed this time, Ill hop into this
trunk.
(hides in trunk)
(enter Jack and Delila)

42
DELILA
Oh Jack, Im exhausted, lets sit for a moment.
(sits on trunk)

JACK
All right Delila, but just for a moment, the Giant will surely come back here and
if he find
us we are done for. Is there any way out of here?

DELILA
The only way is down the beanstalk, we must try and sneak over there without
being seen by the Giant.(noise off stage) Too late, here he comes again-quick
out the back way.
(they exit. Enter Giant)

GIANT
Come back here. Just wait until a catch you. Where is my stick? I know ,in the
trunk,
(goes to trunkConiving Cornie can be seen shivering). No,its in
the wardrobe.(opens wrobe)
Now wait til I catch those two, Ill give them a
thrashing.
(exits)
CORNIE
(getting out of trunk)
Wow, that was a close call, Ill try the wardrobe this time.(hides)

(re enter Whitch and Whatch)

WHITCH
Slow down Whatch, lets go and hide here somewhere safe.

WHATCH
I am entirely in agreement, where should we hide.

43

WHITCH
Lets try the wardrobe, would that be a good idea boys and girls? (ad lib) (opens
door.CC sticks out signoccupied) Colonel its inhabited, out of here ,quick.

WHATCH
Theres someone coming this way, quick, under the bed.(they hide)
(enter Dame and Sally)

DAME
Well Sally pet, that sure was a stiff climb, how are you feeling?

SALLY
(cries) Oh Mamma, my feet are killing me.

DAME
I know pet, thats from your ingrown toe nail.Youre just like your father, he was
bad on his feet even when he was sober.

SALLY
Oh Mamma look a lovely bed, can I lie down, please, please.

DAME
Of course pet. Just lie on that bed for a few minutes while you get your wind
back. (Sally lies in bed)Im a bit jaded too pet. Strange looking place this,
untidy too, look
things are thrown all over the place.Ill just pop some of this
stuff under the bed,
the Tidy Towns would never put up with this mess.
(throws junk under bed, (muffled
sounds from Whitch and Whatch).
Strange I thought I heard someone say something. Did you hear that boys and
girls. (ad lib) Did you hear it Sally? Ah look, the poor little
lamb is fast
asleep. Ill pull up these bedclothes over her and make her comfy.(sound
off
stage). Oops, that might be the Giant, Id better hide. Should I try the wardrobe
boys and girls? or under the bed? OK Ill hop into this trunk.

44
(DAME hides.Enter Jack and Delila)

JACK
Hurry on Delila, the Giant is at the other end of the Castle and we can slip out
the front.

DELILA
All right Jack, but I just want to find my lucky medallion, I always carry it with
me. Ah here it is

JACK
How is it a lucky medallion,? Show me.The crest on the back looks familiar,
where did you get it.

DELILA
I seem to have it for as long as I can remember. Why do you ask?

JACK
Im sure Ive seen that crest somewhere before. Let me see, look the back
opens.

DELILA
(takes medallion).So it does, and look there is something written on a piece of
paper
(reads)
If you want to conquer the wicked Giant
To win a reward that will make you glad
Seek the one who has all the answers
She is known as Raheen the Hag.

45
JACK
That could be just the break we wanted
(Giant heard off stage).
Oh no, hes at the front door, quick out the back again.

(they exit. Enter Hector)

HECTOR
Mon Dieu, that was an exhausting climb, and the traffic in the beanstalk was
worse than Langford St.at 5 o clock. There were people everywhere.It was
worse than the Bridge during the summer.busses at one end, lorries at
another end, pedestrians all over the place and a donkey in the middle taking
it all in. That mountaineering crowd will never get here, every foot they climb,
they stop for a tea break. Im glad I did not have to bring the cow, she definitely
would not climb the beanstalk. Ah so, let me see what have we here? (looks
under the bed, on the bed, in trunk and in wardrobe).Very interesting.Just as I
thought
nothing at all suspicious here except there is one person on the
bed, two under the bed, one
lady in the trunk and one gentleman in the
wardrobe. Everything is in order, very proper
and correct, Gentlemen and
Ladies are in separate quarters and-and and-(roars)
Yipes this place is
loaded (all come out of hiding in utter confusion---all shout together

SALLY
Mamma, Mamma

WHITCH
Colonel we are surrounded

WHATCH
Help Major help.

CORNIE
Dont panic

46

DAME
Oh my heart--- (all stop, in silence all look at each other, enter Feeney, Fail and
Chorus)

FEENEY
Ah here you all are, well what have you discovered, have you seen the Giant.
Well done
villagers, well climbed. I think a rest for a cup of tea is in order.
What do you think Councillor?

FAIL
Excellent suggestion.We certainly must recover before we can face the climb
down. Right, relax everyone.

DAME
Now Hector,you seem to have all the answers,what steps should we take next?

HECTOR
Huge one---

DAME
How do you mean huge ones.

WHITCH
He means the Giant is coming.everyone out of here.

MUSICAL NUMBER #8 - JUMP


(people run in all directions. Giant runs on and roars. Blackout to end of scene).

SCENE #6 - DOWN FROM THE BEANSTALK

47
Down from the Beanstalk. Whitch and Whatch lie fallen on the ground-steps of ladder off stage to suggest bottom of the beanstalk.

WHITCH
Wow Colonel, that was some quick journey down that beanstalk.

WHATCH
No wonder it was, we fell most of the way.

WHITCH
Never mind, we are back on solid ground, I never thought Id say Boravia was a
beautiful sight.

WHATCH
Speaking of beautiful sights, werent Councillors Feeney and Fail a welcome
sight up in that Giants Castle. I never thought that they were that energetic.

WHITCH
Well being politicians, they are always aiming for the top.
(yoo-hoos, off stage)

WHATCH
Did you hear that call from the beanstalk
(they both look up)

WHITCH
Why its the Councillors. Do you want to impress the ladies?

48
WHATCH
Of course I do.

WHITCH
Excellent, over here and down on your knees. (Whatch kneels at end of ladder)

WHITCH
Yoo hoo ladies, careful now, you are nearly at journey's end. Thats it, one more
little step.
(they step on to Whatchs back and on to stage.)

FEENEY
Oh Major Whitch, that is so gallant of you,

FAIL
and so clever to arrange a little step.

WHITCH
Oh thats so nice of you to say so Councillors, it was no bother to me

WHATCH
(getting up angrily)
Well it was plenty of bother to me Major Whitch, Ive a good mind to
( Fail blinks at him)
Why Councillor, it was just a small service to pay to such an important member
of our Village Council. I hope my back wasnt too bumpy.

FAIL

49
Colonel you are so gallant, I could step on your back any time.(they gaze
dreamily at each other.

WHITCH
And what about me, Im the one who thought of putting him there.

FEENEY
Oh you clever Major you. I like a man of actionespecially one who can get
someone else
to do all the work while you get the praise.(Whitch goes all googly).
Boys (she whispers to Fail)

WHITCH and WHATCH


Yes

FAIL
We can see that you are willing to help ladies in distress.

WHATCH
Oh, we are shocking willing any time, I was born for action.

WHITCH
If it pleases the ladies we are willing to do any thinga little cuddle perhaps?

WHATCH
A romantic tango? I always fancied myself at Strictly come dancing(he does a
few steps)

FEENEY

50
Your enthusiasm is commendable, but not quite what we had in mind.
WHITCH
(getting romantic). If tis more of the charm and romance you want, baby this is
the place
and baby Im your man.(she avoids him as he grabs her)
FEENEY
Major for a man of your age you are quite lively and forward.
WHATCH
Well what about me, Im only half his age and was never backward going forwar
(he tries to grab Fail but she avoids him.)

FAIL
Now boys will be boys but there is a time and a place for everything. We must
have proper procedures.

WHITCH
Shes getting all political on us, look Councillors, we seem to be at a stalemate
and not to labour the point are you suggesting we should go into a political
partnership?

WHATCH
Great idea, I could be the Taoiseach and you (to Fail) can be the Tanaiste.

FEENEY
No canvassing now Colonel; Its good to see that you have a grasp of politics.

WHATCH
Id rather have a grasp of the politician.
FAIL
Out of order Colonel. Now we want to know something important about you.

51
WHITCH
Anything, no request is too big or too small for a vision of beauty.

FEENEY
Oh good. We want to see if you can sing.

WHITCH and WHATCH


Sing?

FAIL
As you know as part of our Festival, there is a special The Voice of Boravia
competition.

FEENEY
We are blessed with beautiful voices, but there are lots of female singers, so we
are
going to enter into the Quartet Section.

FAIL
So now is the chance to prove how much you want to impress us, Mr.Musician if
you please.

MUSICAL NUMBER #9 - ACCIDENTALLY IN LOVE

SCENE #7 - SUNDAY NIGHT AT THE BORAVIAN PALLADIUM

BURGOMASTER (acting as MC)

52
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and I bid you all a very special
welcome to our first ever Sunday Night at our Boravian Palladium. This is the
cultural part
of our Annual Festival. Even though these are strange and
possibly frightening
times in our Village, you know in the best tradition of
show business
the show must go on. Our first voice is actually voices,
please ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for Dame Roarem and her
daughter, Silly Sally.

MUSICAL NUMBER #10 - LET IT GO

Thank you, thank you for that wonderful singing and applause. For our next
item of culture we have the combined choirs of
The Boravian Mens Shed,
the Ladies Golf and Sewing Club, the Tidy Towns and the combined harmony
group of the Cromane and Laune Rangers GAA.Ladies and Gentlemen the entire
Boravian Amalgated Choirs.

MUSICAL NUMBER #11 - SEASONS OF LOVE

BURGOMASTER
Thank you to our choirs. Now as you know there is a great appreciation of
music, especially traditional music and dance in
Boravia. We had hopes to
get the famous Riverdance to dance for you ,unfortunately
our Budget was
short by 2 million pounds, but instead we have a most unusual interpretation
of the Cowslip Jog.

MUSICAL NUMBER #12 -THE COWSLIP JIG (COW DANCE)


ARAMILDA COMES ON AND DOES AN OVER THE TOP IRISH DANCE.

BURGOMASTER
Cow get off the stage, quick shoo. (cow moos, and exits). Apologies ladies, that
was supposed to be an interpretative dance from our Zumba class. Now we
have an item of
special interest. You may see at the side we have three
chairs and we are looking for
volunteers to judge the Voice of Bovaria without
seeing the contests. We have cards
on the chairs that you may use if you
dont wish to voice your opinions. Could we have volunteers please ladies and
gentlemen? (goes to audience, if no one volunteers chorus
members act as
judges instead).Good ,all settled. (They sing, no chair turns)

53

BURGOMASTER
Oh dear sorry act no 1,you did not impress the judges, judges please turn
around and let me see your comments. (judges have placards with remarks like
rubbish, oh my ears, OMG etc)

DAME
Well of all the cheek, come on Sally lets teach them a bit of manners.
(Dame and Sally chase

judges off stage)

BURGOMASTER
Order please, order. Ah ladies and gentlemen, we are abandoning the Voice
Competition.
Instead we will have an item of Haute Couture combining
high fashion with Poetry. My pleasure to present to you straight from the KFest,
Raheen.
(enter Raheenn the Hag in over the top fashion)

RAHEEN
Alakazan and Carrigaline

What do you think of this fashion of mine?

Notice the cut, the style, the line.

You know I think I look just fine.

A magic maker I happen to be, My hours of work are from 9 to 3


To fly a broom or mix a spell
Or send evil spirits right back towell
you know where.

MUSICAL NUMBER #13 - LA VIE EN ROSE

I could make spells all night, I could make spells all night.
made some more.
I could have made poteen, right up till twelve fifteen,
knocked on my door.
I do not know, what made them so excited,
night.

And still have


If the cops had not

They just drank my brew all

54
I only know that day instead of going away
and drank all night.

They just stayed and drank

(bows)

BURGO MASTER
Ah yes what a night was there my countrymen. The only one left standing after
the night
was Raheen and a few empty bottles of poteen.It is grand stuff I
can assure you, a great cure for a toothache, one drop will cure any toothache
but it will give you a headache instead
(sudden charge on stage, Whitch,Whatch,Feeney,Fail,DameSally,C.C,dash
through,shouts of faster,hes gaining,run etc ad lib)

BURGOMASTER
What is this commotion, has everyone gone mad
(enter Hector)
Mr. O Poirot,

can you explain what is happening, you are ruining our night
at the Palladium.

HECTOR
(panting) Monsieur Burgomaster, it is not a time for discussion, it is a time for
action, we are being hotly pursued by the Giant, so RUN,RUN RUN.
(they exit, enter Giant)

GIANT
Come back you bunch of scared off cowards.Why dont you stand your ground
and fight.
Theyre all the same, no teaspach at all.Wait until I get my hands
on them, Ill make them pay for invading my private dwelling.Ill show them
whos the Boss around here,
Ill go to the waterfall and turn off their water
supply until thirst will bring them
crawling to my door for mercy. I will then
put a meter on the water and they will
have to pay for every little drop
they use. Giant Pepperoni wins again.
(roars and exits, blackout to end of scene)

55

SCENE #8 - HELP IS AT HAND

RAHEEN
(sitting, out of breath, on side of stage).
Wow that was some lively exit.Im getting

too old for this amount of jogging.

(enter Jack and Delila)

JACK
Delila, look isnt that the Hag that was on the stage?

DELILA
Youre right, maybe she will be able to help us.

JACK
(cautiously) Excuse me Madame.

RAHEEN
You addressing me young fella? Its the first time Ive ever been called Madame.
Usually
they call me Mad Dame. What can I do for you.

DELILA
Are you Raheen the Hag?

RAHEEN
At your service young lady. Raheen Esmeralds Arabella Anastasia Murphy, but
my friends just call me Raheen. What can I do for you, cure a headache? find
your missing
cat? Tell you what I have a good bargain or broomsticks,

56
potions and lotions this week, any 3 for 2 euro or and double your points on
your savings card.

JACK
Well actually nothing as small as that, we have a bigger problem, have you got
anything that
will get rid of a giant?

RAHEEN
A Giant, now thats a big problem all right. Ill have to charge special rates for
that.

DELILA
Oh please can you do something for us, the future of the whole village may be
depend on it.

RAHEEN
Oh really? Well of course that is a different matter. The villagers are my best
customers. They all love a drop of my poteen.Lets see if I can find some cure
for your Giant problem.
Alakazam and Carrigaline
Watch me work this magic of mine.
You want to finish the Giant right well
So Ill give you a magic spell.
Here is a magic potion, the dose is written on the label.Follow the
directions closely and Ill be sending you the bill if it works.

JACK
Thank you Raheen, you have done Boravia a great service.

DELILA
Youre an angel Raheen

57

RAHEEN
Watch your language young lady. As hags go I may be a bit peculiar, but calling
me an
angel is taking it too far.Off you go and conquer the Giant. This
should be interesting.
(exits laughing).

DELILA
Oh Jack, I hope it works.

JACK
Courage Delila, we have the boys and girls on our side. Right boys and girls.
Lets hear your
support for Delila, and your boos for the Giant.

MUSICAL NUMBER #14 - SHOW ME THE WAY TO AMARILLO


(AMARILDA)
(ad lib onto the end of scene. blackout to end.)

SCENE #9 - THE WATERFALL ABOVE THE VILLAGE


GIANT
What a puny lot those Boravians are, I could do with meeting up with one or two
of them
now, Im a little hungry and could do with a tasty snack. Anyway I
will show them
whos the boss around here. Ill turn off this waterfall, dry up
their water supply, then the
thirst will bring them here crawling for
mercy.Ill put a meter on all their homes and make a fortune out of my new
water taxes. (roars)
Water, water I make you stop,
Spill not another single drop.

58
On my awesome powers I now call
Stop the flow of this waterfall.

(laughs and exits as waterfall stops)

(enter Dame and Sally)

DAME
Steady on Sally, my old crubeens are killing me. Ill have to sit and take a
rest, tis the veins you know.Theyre a bit wobbly.

SALLY
Wobbly? Do you know what wobbles and flies Mammy?

DAME
Dont be silly nothing wobbles and flies.

SALLY
Oh yes it does. Boys and girls will I tell Mammy what wobbles and flies?
(ad lib)
A jelly copter.And Mamma how can Aramilda do her subtraction
sums?

DAME
Oh go on if it amuses you, tell me.

SALLY
She uses a cow-culator.
(roars laughting)

59
DAME
Oh will you stop, you are worse than a mobile phone, at least you can turn that
off.
Speaking of turned off ,have you noticed anything Sally?(gets up )

SALLY
Yes, your various vein is wobbling again.

DAME
Look at the waterfall, theres no water falling?

SALLY
But how can it be called a waterfall if the water isnt falling.

DAME
Oh give me patience, come on lets have a look around the back, this is
mysterious.

SALLY
Oh I love mysterious
(they exit. Enter Whitch and Whatch)

WHITCH
Slow down Colonel Whatch, lets rest for a while.Im whacked.

WHATCH
Good thinking Major. If we had to run any further my heart would be
doing time and a half.

WHITCH
My heart hasnt beaten as much since I was judge at the Miss Boravia
contest.

60

WHATCH
Youd see better faces at the Kingdom County Fair.Not as good looking as
our
political ladies.

WHITCH
Im with you there Major. Maybe a coalition is on the cards.Next time I
meet up
with those ladies, Ill put on my George Clooney charm, and in no
time at all Councillor Feeney will be delighted to be Mrs.Whitch, running to
get my slippers
in the evening, polishing my golf clubs, cutting the lawn.That
would be the life.

WHATCH
Major thinking Major, a perfect life style for Councillor Fail and myself.
( Feeney and Fail have been listening in the background)

FEENY and FAIL


Hello Gentlemen.

WHATCH
(hiding behind Whitch) Major, do something, we are surrounded.

WHITCH
(moves behind Whatch).Im behind you Colonel.Smile or something.

FEENEY
Major Whitch, come over here at once.Hop to it.

FAIL
Colonel Whatchhere boy.(the men crumble)

61

FEENEY
Gentlemen, Councillor Fail and I have some propositions to make. Stand
straight.
Chin up. Tummies in. Eyes front. Attention. OK Councillor Fail.

FAIL
Well boys we have decided to make husbands out of the two of you.
Conditions of
work as follows. Breakfast in bed for your loving wives every
morning, housekeeping duties from 9.00 until 12.30. Lunch (for us) 12.301.30.10 minutes for a
snack for you.1.40-5.30 shopping and gardening, get
the tea, clean the dishes, tidy up and you can have every second Sunday off.

FEENEY
What do you say to that?

WHITCH
Well I-I-I- ah-

WHATCH
Actually I was thinking of joining the Mens Shed-

FEENEY
Action stations Councillor Fail.

FAIL
Im away ahead of you,(both grab the men-enter Dame)

DAME
Great work girls, Im glad to see the Direct Method paid off.

62
WHITCH
Dame was this your idea ,do you know that---

FEENEY
Thats enough Majorback here where you belong.

WHATCH
If I might say a few words

FAIL
You might not.The only words I want to hear yougood and loudis I
do.

(enter Jack and Delila).

JACK
Looks like everybody is here. Whats going on?
DAME
Well Cupid has struck twice, and from the look in your eyes Id say it
wont be long before he strikes again.Whos the good looker?

DELILA
Jack what is that uniform the men are wearing, it looks familiar. I seem to
remember it
from a long time ago.

JACK
Thats the uniform of Count Fredericks palace guards.Mother, this is
Delila, she has
been a slave in the Giants castle for as long as she can
remember. She doesnt know where her home is, the only clue she has is this
medallion here.

63
DAME
Show me, give me a look.(she looks) Major Whitch who does this remind
you of?

WHITCH
Im sure I have seen this face a long time agoon a painting in the palace

could this be--?

DAME
Exactly. This may come as a surprise to youyou are the long lost niece
of the late
Count and Countess of Boravia.

DELILA
Me? A Princess? Are you sure?

DAME
Sure Im sure, unless you stole the medallion from the Princess who
disappeared from Boravia many years ago.

DELILA
No this medallion has always been mine.
(all kneel and say Princess. Enter Hector and Burgomaster running)

HECTOR
The Giant, quick, run, scatter---(panic. enter Giant)

GIANT
Ah ha, Ive caught you ,and what a catch, three young ladies, 5 men and
an old hairpin.

64
DAME
What do you mean by that you overgrown beansprout. If I were a few
years younger
and a few feet taller Id show you what a hairpin can do.

GIANT
Another word out of you and youll end up as a tooth pick.Now let me see
what kind of a menu I have here. What about a barbequed politician.
(as he bends down, enter Sally and Aramilda)

SALLY
Mama look I found Aramilda.
(cow charges and knocks Giant over)

JACK
Quick Delila, give me that potion.
(Jack sprinkles powder over Giant who exits roaring)
the end of Giant Pepperoni.

That should be

DELILA
Oh Jack you are a hero.

SALLY
What about me, Im the one who brought in Aramilda.

HECTOR
Well done young lady, and may I shake the hand of ze Cow.(he does)

BURGOMASTER
Well this seems to be a happy endingoh my goodness look at the
waterfall, it has
stopped. And (looks at Delila)no, it couldnt be.

65

DAME
But it is Burgomaster, the long lost Princess.

HECTOR
Incroyable time for great rejoicing, no?

BURGOMASTER
Yes and no. We may have the Princess but lookno waterfall it will cost a
fortune
to get this waterfall flowing again.

SALLY
Mama look, Jack is nearly crying, whats up bruvver?

JACK
Well of course Im happy that DelI mean the Princess is found, but now
she will be going back to a grand palace, all I can offer her is a poor cottage.
(all look gloomy)

HECTOR
Cheer up ladies and gentlemen. I Hector have an answer to your
problems.
Burgomaster, you need lots of money to get the water flowing,
yes?

BURGOMASTER
Unfortunately yes.

HECTOR
And Jack, you need money to live like a prince, yes?

66
DAME
And while youre at it, I need to overhaul my cottage before it caves in
on me, yes?

HECTOR
Say no more. Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish to make an announcement.
I ,Hector
O Poirot have not been entirely honest with you. You think that I
am the
super detective Hector o Poirot ,but that is not the case. I really am
a multimillionaire in disguise ,so to get over your financial difficulties
(starts writing

cheques),

Burgomaster for you, Jack this is for you, and Madame Roarem, if I may
be so bold
(she grabs cheque)

DAME
You certainly may, and if I may be so bold (she gives him a kiss).

JACK
Hector you have made all our dreams come true.Princess, Delila if I may
be so bold
(gets on his knee).

DELILA
You certainly. Everyone ,three cheers for our secret multimillionaire. Hip
hip, hip hip, hip hip, hoooray!

MUSICAL NUMBER #15 - FREAK OUT (FINAL CHORUS)

SCENE 10 PARODY
MUSICAL NUMBER #16 - DAME'S PARODY / DIDDLE-DE-AH-AHAH

67
SCENE 11 FINALE.
MUSICAL NUMBER #17 - SOMEBODY TO LOVE

Bows / Exit Music.


The End.