"Who carries a school backpack?

Helping your child to be

independent."

Justyna Borowska
M.A.

What's independence?
Self-reliance is the willingness to undertake the tasks based on
personal activity, and its source is the will to act and acceptance of
the aim.
Self-reliance meets three criteria:
- it is taken on its own initiative,
- aims for a particular goal,
- when your child wants to achieve his own goals, rather than
getting your approval
Self-reliance of the child awakens in parents conflicting emotionson the one hand we hope that the child will be ok, so we could be
proud of well done parental job; on the other hand- we are
concern about their safety and we have this sense of emptiness and
loss, They do not need me anymore." The child also experience
dillemas- on the one hand child wants independence, on the other
hand -afraids of being independent person.

Developmental psychology
Process of achieving independence can be divided into
three stages: symbiosis, separation and individuation.

Stage symbiosis - associated with the need to bond

with the primary object; the most common attachment
is to his mother.
Phase separation - related to the need to determine
the identity and to build their ego mental boundaries.

Stage individuation - related to the needs: selfrealization, exploration of the world, self-activity and
self-expression, child develops his own interests.

From discipline to self-discipline

The discipline is associated with something that is imposed by an
older. Typically, this is done without considering the will of the
younger person. External discipline without developing selfdiscipline will not bring the expected results. Internal discipline is
something that we have to work with a child with his full
commitment.
Discipline changes into self-discipline when your offspring pays
attention to something that is interesting and which allows not only
to practice certain skills, but also to control mistakes. Such
approach to the child's activity causes the release of aspiration
"something for something, child during his work is happy, busy and
indifferent to praise or material rewards. And that means that it has
managed to develop positive thinking: I learn this, because it's
worth, because it's interesting, because I want to know and
understand the world ...

Why self-reliance is so important?

Self-reliance results in the self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of
independence, sense of efficacy.
Independent child as an adult is a person who knows himself, who
faces with a large variety of difficulties, who has confidence in their
own choices, who is open to new challenges, who undertakes a
wide variety of activities (risky ones as well).
NOTE-TRAP !!!
Self-reliance vs. Self-will
Permission for the child's independence means that we know our
child and we anticipate whether it will be able to carry out the task
or not.
Self-will means going beyond the established rules, regulations. The
child is abusing our trust, does not respect agreements.

How to teach your child to become

self-independent?
Education for self-reliance are:
the development of confidence in their own abilities (positive
image - expressing a positive assessment: "beware, because youll
fall down" / "it really requires a lot of patience, I can see how you
are applying."
not only words affect them but also gesture, facial expression,
provide a sense of emotional security (love and acceptance)
reinforce the tendency to solve problems on the basis of what the
child already knows and can (ask questions!)
motivate your child to undertake more ambitious goals, but still
lying within the limits of its capabilities task (trying also counts//
Practice makes perfect) I like the way you tried to tye your shoes.
You can try one more time later on.

the easiest way is to get in a situation of fun. In play the child has the
opportunity to actively play and relive observed situations (eg. A child
passively participate in purchases made by father, then in kindergarten in
a group of peers while having fun they become a client or a salesman,
they organize shop).

You can play with the child in doing things on time. They love
competitions.

If you are in a hurry and you need to finish the job that was started by the
child, explain to him that fact before you act, so that your child doesnt
think that he didnt cope with a task.

Helping out in every situation does not help. In fact reinforces the sense of
helplessness, destroys creativity and takes away the opportunity to
experience the variety of experiences.

Assist only as much as is necessary for the child to end their action with
a success.

How to make your child obey his

rules?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

6.

Clearly introduce your expectation- your child needs to know

exactly what to do. "Clean Room" / Make your bed, wipe off the
dust, put your toys away and ...
Specify the duration of the obligation and guard it.
You can give your child a choice: "Would you rather clean up after
school or after dinner?" In this way we also teach them
responsibility.
Introduce the consequences of not respecting the rules If you
wont clean up your room there is no way that you can watch
television.
Enforce execution of chores- when the room is not cleaned and
the child is still watching TV, turn off the TV and tell him to clean
up.
Sometimes it's helpful to show how to do the job and ALWAYS
PRAISE.

The pattern of praise

Description (fact) + feeling = skilful praise

Clean table, books are arranged tidily, dusted
furniture, Im really proud
Instead of:
Neat and tidy room, well done

What can be done by my child of a

certain age?

The first areas in which the child can develop his independence, is a fun
and self-service.
Two- and three years old
Children can clean up the toys after themselves, help with feeding the
animals, arrange shopping on the lower shelves ( I mean put some
products away). They may decide, but give them only 2 options. Black
pants or brown?

four-years old
Children can set the table (cutlery, plates), help you with dusting (dont
expect polished furnitures), butter their sandwiches, feed pets.

Five-Years old
Children can prepare sandwiches, clean up after a meal (eg. Insert plates
to the dishwasher), make the bed, tye shoelaces, dress themselves.

six-years old
Children can water the flowers, assistance in preparing dishes under the
supervision of a parent, rake leaves, bath alone but in the presence of
caregivers.

 Seven years old

Children can water plants, select clothes depending on the weather,
wake up themselves with an alarm clock
Eight / nine-years old
Children can keep their room clean, take independent bath, do
homework without reminders, sort and disposal of trash, help with
feeding the younger siblings.
ten-years old
Children can make purchases on the basis of a list, discharge their
duties without reminders, save money (even when the prize is
deferred at the time)
Eleven- and twelve-years old
Children can be left alone for a few hours, they can use public
transport, help younger siblings and supervise them, do lessons
without reminder

A thin line between being caring and

overprotective
Overprotective parent is a parent tired. It is
worth analyzing your behavior when you feel
tired, exhausted after spending some time
with the child... Sometimes it is good to be
lazy! Then the children have more time to
prepare or solve a problem.

Holidays: a great lesson of

independence
A child who spends time at home also can learn new skills.
Starting in the morning for work, leave a list of tasks preferably predetermined with the child.

Do not feel remorse that in determining

offspring small goals, you spoil her holiday. You
offer great gift - self-confidence, which will
certainly pay off soon.

Thank you for coming!