Samantha Hill

Short story

Creative Writing

If you would like to know what a seizure feels like...imagine sitting in the front
seat of a car that is about to have a head on collision. You know its coming and
yet you cannot undo your seat belt or open the door or even whimper for help.
All you can do is watch the deranged car in front of you, oblivious to the fact that
they are going 80 miles per hour, veer closer and closer. Headlights coming at
you until all you see is black. Although you don't feel any pain, the suspense
can almost kill you in itself. For me, not having control is one of the worst
feelings in my entire spectrum of emotions. Then add to the equation blacking
out and waking up completely exhausted to a bunch of doctors who sound like
they are severely drunk and speaking gibberish. Its hard to make out what they
are saying but you somehow manage to hear, "blah blah blah...name?" so you
try to focus and listen again, "blah blah your name?" until you realize that the
mental, drunk, gibberish speaking doctor is trying to ask you for your name! So
you get up the energy and are still only able to push out a grown that sounds
more along the lines of "He" than "Fi."

The cold stethoscope touching your chest and back, people yelling, needles
being poked into you, it’s almost like being a frozen caveman and waking up
1,000,000 years later not knowing what the heck is going on! My name is Fiona,
and this is the story about the month I visited Hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the human mind is as powerful as they say it is, as they claim and PREACH it
is…then why do we take English, math and science classes when we could be
learning how to control it? I see the pro’s and con’s of being able to mass
control our minds…but maybe then when you are in a situation like mine, you’d
have no problem fighting for your life.

Sitting in a hospital room that smells of potent rubbing alcohol and freshly
opened rubber glove boxes, my brain has been stimulated more than ever in my
life. Not only because I have been having countless seizures because
common…that is pretty brain stimulating! But because I have gone to a place
that allowed my mind to escape, expand and to grow up. I know no one would
ever choose or wish this upon anyone else, but I am starting to see why this
journey will benefit me. My patience has grown so strong and my ability to tap
into my inner body has become unstoppable.

It all started New Years Eve. Next to New Years Eve 2007, also known as the
funniest day of my life that consisted of hanging out with family and playing the
game Cat and Mouse until 4am when I had the perfect and healthy ideal body,
New Years Eve 2010 was pretty darn fun. I was starting to feel like myself again
and although I experienced incredible amounts of pain on a daily basis due to a
recent shoulder surgery, I felt like I had learned to communicate without the pain
controlling what I said and how I said it. In the midst of the hysterical fun I went
to sleep without any vicodin, which helped me sleep through the night. Little did
I know, that didn’t even matter. I could have taken my medication and what
happened would have still occurred.

My cousin and best friend spent the night. My second New Years resolution,
right up there with fixing my body, was to be spontaneous. So with that, I
wanted to make it a fun night for my cousin and friend as my older siblings
always did for me. I pulled out this pile of silly string bottles I had saved in my
closet, grabbed some garbage bags for make-shift poncho’s, yelled for the girls
and headed outside into below freezing weather. We had a blast and I felt so
accomplished that only an hour after the New Year had started, I was already
starting to accomplish my spontaneous goal.

We didn’t go to sleep until around 3:30am. I felt so awesome and went to bed
with a huge smile on my face and fell asleep soon after from complete
exhaustion. I woke up in pain around 6am...that usually happened so I got up,
stretched and went back to bed. Then the fun started…and by fun, I mean Hell.

How I Got Here

I am sitting here in my hospital room...well...the ICU which I apparently called it
the Insane Clapping Unicorn last night (I'm sure I was well drugged!) listening to
my sister, Amanda, watch the "Real World" on TV. That my friend...is NOT the
real world! If you want to see what the real world looks like, come and visit this
hospital! There is no shortage of people who are enduring the wrath of the "real
world."

I find myself reflecting on a phone call I had with a friend just last week about
how when you endure things like this, not a lot of other things seem to matter
anymore. "Oh...my...gosh...did you hear that Becky is dating Jason?!" My
response before would have been that of a regular boy crazy 16 year old...but
now I find that my response to that is more on the lines of, "I...don't...care!" I
even had a friend visit me the other day with only the intents of dumping gossip
on me trying to get some kind of sappy response. She didn't care that I was
practically dying...and although I do give her props for visiting, I doubt she even
knew what a seizure was!

So I guess there are people wanting to hear my story...leaving the beginning off
with, "Then the fun started…and by fun, I mean Hell," kind of makes you wonder
what made me say that! To start off my story I would like to explain my
condition. I was diagnosed with a Protozoa parasitic infection; the strain of
Protozoa I contracted is one that feeds off of the calcium and nutrients in joints,
tissues and muscles. Lucky me, right? Well little did I know, I contracted it 2
years ago on a trip to Tonga. My old step mom was a tour guide for a yearly
whale watching trip and back when I still spoke to my biological father and
visited him in Hawaii in 2006, I told him that as a Christmas/Birthday present I
would love to take that trip! He asked my sister if she wanted the same and the
arrangements were made. The following summer, my sister Amanda and I were
destined to tour Tonga and swim with the whales! All went as planned. The two-
month trek from boat to boat and island-to-island was a dream come true since I
am a total tropical beach lover! I saw, smelled, tasted and experienced some of
the most amazing things and was sad to see the trip was over, especially since
school was starting back up only a week after we got back.

That entire week after I got back, I was sick. I felt extremely lethargic and
fatigued and experienced odd joint pain. We didn't think much of it other than
something I must have caught on the plane ride. Well, a month after school had
started I still wasn't feeling like myself because I was always tired and grumpy
and we couldn't figure out why. A week later, they diagnosed me with MONO
and just told me to rest. Then I remember distinctively, September 11th of 2007
I went to close a door and my shoulder dislocated...closing a DOOR! It was
beyond ridiculous. So we went to the ER and they popped it back in and I went
on my way just trying to focus on feeling better. A few months after that my jaw
started locking up and they diagnosed me with TMJ caused by my braces. Then
my knee dislocated and they diagnosed it with the same as my shoulder;
hypermobile joints. Diagnoses after diagnoses, nothing was making sense! So I
told my body to stop whatever it was doing and to leave me alone! And it
did...slowly things got better. I learned to deal with the fatigue, I got my braces
off which made my jaw feel better and I learned to strengthen the muscles
around my shoulder and knee to hold them in.

Around February of 2009 I started to experience similar joint pain as what I had
experienced in 2007. I was in a musical theater dance class when all the
sudden I just couldn't dance anymore! I started dreading classes because I
would go home in so much pain, or dislocate something which made it worse,
so I forced myself to quit. After I quit, my body went insane. My shoulder got to
the point where it would dislocated up to 3 times a day, to the point where I was
numb from the pain and able to ignore it. I ignored it so much that by the time I
got back into the joint specialist, it was too late and I needed to have
reconstructive surgery on it. But in the midst of all of this I had somehow caught
a MRSA staph infection over my right and left arm. They wouldn't operate on me
until I got it cleared up but my shoulder and the infection were competing for
blood. If I dislocated my shoulder I noticed that my arm got worse and so on. I
went through 6 different rounds of antibiotics before we noticed even the
slightest of changes and by then my immune system was so shot that I was
constantly getting sick. Then we turned to natural cures and finally, after 5
months of battling this infection, it started to clear up. Turns out the antibiotics
feeding the parasites in my body. Never ending battle.
So I had my surgery in November which recovering from was almost worst than
what I am experiencing in the hospital today. Not being able to use your
shoulder on top of having extreme uncontrollable pain put me right over the
edge. I couldn’t go more than an hour without busting out crying and the pain
medication made me throw up. Again, a never ending up hill battle that seemed
impossible to win. But sure enough, the pain got better and better and I gained
more use of my shoulder. I still only have 30% mobility because whatever
muscle I do develop, my parasites feed on. Muscular tissue seems to be their
favorite. Call me crazy, but I feel like I talk about my parasites as if they are
human beings or something. “Hey Fi, how are you feeling today?” “Eh, I not too
good, my parasites are giving me trouble.” Almost as if in my mind, I think
they’re more than just single celled organisms attacking my body! And finding
out today that they are most active at night…really makes reality set in that
there are organisms ATTACKING my insides at all times! If you can’t beat ‘em,
join ‘em right?! I guess befriending my parasites wouldn’t be such a bad idea!

Wow, I feel like I am talking about a story line to a movie. “Lets get on their side
and then pull the rug out from under them when they least expect it!” Which as
you know, usually ends with you getting attached to them and learning that the
opposing intentions really weren’t as far off as you thought they were. Ok…now
I’m, feeling insane. They are PARASITES, not people.

Anyways, the only way to cure these parasites is by taking a very strong
medication that is basically killing all other functions in my body. It’s literally Hell
because when I’m not sleeping I’m having seizures.

If there is anything I have learned so far through this journey, it’s that you must
give your body credit for fighting. The body is such an amazing thing…I was
looking at a poster in the hall, next to where you wait to get an MRI, that is the
body’s muscular make-up and I never realized how freaking complex it is! And
it’s amazing to me how much you can learn just by asking questions. Aside from
math (Which I love!) I have never really taken time to ponder and ask questions
in class at school. I always found it easier just to sit back and shut my trap when
I could have been learning so much more! By asking two small questions about
that muscular make-up chart, I now understand what causes carpo-tunner, shin
splints and arthritis. Pretty amazing!

Nurses
Why is it that I have had no attractive night nurses? They are all unfortunately
either ‘husky’ old men with old-man-breath that smells like they forgot to brush
their teeth for I don’t know…10 years! Or women. Take that back, I had one
really cute night nurse…but I only had one vitals check with him. You can
imagine what was going through my head! “Hey there hot night nurse, feel free
to check my vitals all you want!” Ok, that’s pretty awful…but it’s true! I know
that’s so bad of me to be basing my nurses on a hot-o-meter, because I mean
common, they ARE helping to save my life!

For the first week or so I saw so many different nurses, but now they are
starting to circulate. Mondays and Thursdays I usually have Julie. She’s pretty
nice; she always brings me as much ice cream as I want which none of the
others do! Tuesdays and Fridays I usually have Brian. He’s nice too, but the
man can never sit! Go go go is his strategy when sometimes what’s best is just
sitting back and enjoying the moment! I guess it’s different if you’re a nurse
though. They have more important things to do than ‘enjoy the moment’ like…
saving lives!

Nurses in the ICU are so up tight. I swear it looks like their shoulders are
attached to their ear lobes. And I guess that’s the way they have to be. When I
was in there my vitals constantly dropped. Usually within 25 minutes of being
stabilized, they would plummet and another nurse would have to come in and
check on me. But I do give them props for having good attitudes most of the
time. “You can do this Fiona! Don’t give up!” I can’t even express how many
times I heard that! And I think because I have heard that so many times, I can
tell if someone really means it or are just saying it to keep me in a positive
mindset. But non-the less, it helps. I was wondering why I always ask people
similar questions over and over again…like “How do you get out your
frustrations?” And even though I know they will probably give me the same
answer, I just need to hear it again. But then I thought about why we take the
sacrament every week at church. It’s to REMIND us. My constant need to be
reminded is only human. So I can’t beat myself up about that because it is only
human to forget.

Wow, how did I go from talking about hot night nurses to this? Talk about a
brain that can’t stay on track! My brain has been so jumbled these past few
weeks!

I know these parasites, medications, seizures and just EVERYTHING have

affected my mental state. The fact last night I couldn’t go to sleep until 6am was
pretty big proof that something is going on! My whole life I’ve been a night owl…
but not to the point where even when listening to soft music, being cuddled up in
a warm blanket and allowing my brain to shut off, STILL not being able to fall
asleep for 7 hours…just wow! I seriously could not shut off my brain. I never
knew that parasites are most active at night so I guess it makes better sense
now! But luckily one of my fellow night owls happened to be awake at 5am too;
my friend who is also a parasite survivor.

I guess it is kind of bummer to know that I will probably be cured of the parasites
but never fully from the side effects they leave. I was told that my central
nervous system is totally screwed up from all of the seizures. Basically the
reason why I took a spill the other day trying to do a quick turn around. And I am
pretty sure that is going to effect my dancing. How am I supposed to do a
pirouette/chaine turn when I can’t even turn around without falling down?! This
also means no more roller coasters or any rides in general but I guess I can live
with that. On top of this, having to deal with this night time sleep insomnia for
the years to come is going to be a blast :P

Derek

A few nights ago I was blessed with a very good looking night nurse around
3am. Although he was very easy on the eyes, there was something else about
him that caught my eye. His touch made me shiver, but not in a way that
attracted me to him; it was more comforting than anything. I was pretending to
sleep as he checked my vitals, peaking through my eyelids all the chances I got.
Then I pretended to wake up, stretching and yawning as if I had been sleeping
when in reality I hadn’t slept yet!

“Hi” I shot him a grin as he recorded down my blood pressure.

“Hi Fiona, sorry if I woke you up.” His voice sounded heaven sent. Boy God was
nice when creating him!

“No, you’re fine!” I tried to sound convincing. He smiled at me and instead of

melting in his perfect smile; I felt this sense of relief. Never once have I been
faced with such a magnificent creature and not been attracted, but I felt more of
a feeling as if he was my brother or someone I cared deeply about. But I barely
knew this guy!

“Nice weather we’re having!” He said sarcastically walking to the window and
opening up the blinds to a black dark night. I laughed and noticed that his name
tag said Derek. He finished up my vitals.

“Looks like I’m going to be your new night nurse. I’m filling the permanent
position for this side of the floor.” ‘Thank goodness!’ I thought to myself thinking
back to all the annoying nurses I had in the past weeks.

“Well then I guess we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other! Have fun with
your shift; see you in a few hours.” I tried to sound nice. I didn’t want to turn into
the patient that he dreaded to take vitals from. I can’t imagine what other
patients must be like at 3am, grumpy grumpy grumpy! I kept thinking if I had
seen a wedding ring on his finger or not. Or at least a line from a wedding ring
since maybe they aren’t allowed to wear them while assisting patients. But I
hadn’t. And again, I didn’t wonder this out of attraction but more of being
intrigued.

A few hours passed and I kept waiting for him to come in. 6am rolled around
when finally the door swung open and there was Derek!
“Still awake?” He said as he walked over to my bed side.

“Derek, I have parasites. They are most active at night you know! I’ve practically
turned into a nocturnal human.” He laughed and took my vitals again. I couldn’t
help but look down at his left hand as he handed me my medicine. Sure
enough, there was a ring. But this didn’t disappoint me; it rather excited me
even more to wonder what his wife must be like.

Night after night he came in at midnight, 3am and 6am but on this particular
night I decided to pop the question, for lack of a better phrase.

“Your ring is beautiful. What’s her name?” He looked puzzled for a second and
then realized what I was talking about.

“Her name is Jemima. She reminds me a lot of you, actually. She battled
parasites when she was 13 years old. It just about killed her, but she was a
fighter just like you!” I couldn’t help but have the biggest smile on my face. I also
thought to myself…’Jemima? What an unfortunate name!’ But then I gave
myself a mental slap and tapped back into reading his every word. “When I read
your patient information and saw that you are going through a similar situation, I
knew this was where I needed to be.” I was almost speechless by his response.

“I…um…thank you. It means a lot.” That was all I was able to mumble.

“My pleasure. And I don’t mean to sound creepy or stalker-like, but I’ve been
talking to her about you. She said she’d love to meet you sometime.”

“That would be awesome. Thanks Derek.”

“Anytime Fiona.” He smiled as he finished up my vitals.

“Hey Derek?”

“Yeah?”

“You can call me Fi.”

“Then Fi it is!” He walked out of the room after shooting me a “rock on” hand
signal. What a dork!

Jemima

Things went by like butter the next few days! I enjoyed my late night talks with
Derek. He told me more about his family and wife and how aside from being a
nurse 3 days a week, he professionally ballroom danced with his wife! No
wonder he had such a nice body!
“I’ve always wanted to ballroom dance…believe it or not, growing up I did ballet,
jazz, hip hop and tap! But never ballroom.”

“Tell ya what Fi…when you bust out of this place you should come take classes
from Jemima and I! We teach at South Point Studio.” He was sitting next to me
on my bed talking to me as if we were good buddies. It was very comforting.

“Sounds like a plan Stan!”

“And Jemima is going to be here to pick me up at 6am, she said she can stop in
and say hello if you’re awake and up to it.”

“Of course! I probably won’t be sleeping anyways. You know me…sleep just
doesn’t happen.” He laughed.

6am rolled around. I was very excited to see what his wife looked like and also if
she could give some relief to this situation. I didn’t know much about what
happened to her, but by the way Derek’s voice changed when he talked about
it, I could tell it wasn’t good. And at least she could give me hope!

*knock knock* “Fiona, can I come in?” her voice sounded very calm and
peaceful just like her husbands.

“Of course!” She walked in. She was wearing a purple long sleeved shirt, jeans
and tan cow boy boots. Very stylish and you could tell she was a dancer,
muscles shone through her clothing like crazy. Make me a little jealous at first
but then I remembered she survived parasites too. Maybe I could look like that
someday!

“Hi Fiona!” She came right up to me and gave me a hug. That shocked me a bit,
what did her husband tell her about me that made her like me so much? Maybe
it was because she could feel so much for my situation.

“How are you feeling?” Her genuine concern was so amazing to witness
compared to the fakeness I’ve felt this entire journey. “How are you feeling?” is
usually the question asked to determine if I needed more pain medication or
not, but not just for the heck of it!

“Eh, I’ve been better! Just hanging on to every last ounce of energy. I seriously
feel like it takes all my forced energy just to life a finger!”

“Oh, I know the feeling!” You could tell she wasn’t just saying that, you could
see the pain in her eyes. Sense memory of the world of hell she went through
herself.

We talked for hours…Derek kept coming in and asking, “Are we going home yet
honey or can I keep doing paperwork?”
“Just keep doing your paperwork sweetie!” She replied back each time.

“How long have you guys been married?” Being a somewhat boy crazy 16 year
old, I couldn’t help but to ask.

“Well its 2010, so 7 years this November.” I was stunned - they acted like newly
weds saying, “baby,” “honey,” and, “sweetie,” to each other every chance they
got. It was so amazing to just see some genuine love! You could tell they were
both people who loved to love and loved hard.
8am came and went. She noticed I kept looking over at the clock and added,
“Derek only works 3 days a week and the only job I have is teaching with him
twice a week! Don’t worry about the time.”

You know how sometimes you feel like you knew the person in the room with
you, even before you came to this earth? Kindred spirits I think they’re called, I
think Derek and Jemima were and are mine. She visited me twice a week and
again we would talk for hours on end. I introduced her and Derek to my mom
and family and everything clicked better than imaginable. We became a little
family at the hospital and it made the healing process go by much faster. I finally
started to respond to my medication.

A month later, I was out of the hospital and on the road to recovery. I learned to
focus my worries on others and not so much on myself. I wondered why Derek
and Jemima did so much for me and realized that the main purpose to life is to
give and help others. To share experience.

I went on to become a national state ballroom champion all because of Derek

and Jemima, my angels sent from God.