Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
- 3#4
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1he scene opens as Lhe camera zooms ln on Lhe 8arone house aL nlghL, and Lhen
lnLo Lhe bedroom where 8ay ls slLLlng nexL Lo uebra, hls wlfe. She's lylng down
faclng
Lhe camera, wlLh her back Lo 8ay, abouL Lo fall asleep.
8ay, Lhe sporLs-wrlLer ln Lhe long-runnlng slLcom 9:"50;&%0 <&:"3 720=&#%>
reaches over and genLly Louches her exposed shoulder. Lyes closed, uebra slmply
says,
"no." Pe wlLhdraws hls hand, and Lhen genLly Louches her agaln.
"no," comes Lhe deadpan response. Agaln, 8ay Louches her shoulder, and sLlll
wlLhouL movlng or openlng her eyes, uebra says, "no."
1hen, wlLh hls brow wrlnkled as lf conducLlng an experlmenL, 8ay reaches hls
hand over hls wlfe's shoulder wlLhouL Louchlng her.
"no," comes Lhe response-agaln wlLh her eyes closed. 1hen, ln response Lo
Lhree qulck passes Lhrough Lhe alr over her shoulder, uebra says "no, no, no," e
ach ln
preclse Llmlng wlLh Lhe passes. 1he scene ends as 8ay reaches hls hand far above
her
and, wlLhouL Louchlng her, swoops lL down over her ln whaL looks llke an alrplan
e pass.
ln a plLch LhaL maLches Lhe helghL of Lhe hand she cannoL see, uebra responds,
"noooooCCCC."
l
Lver felL llke 8ay 8arone ln Lhls scene? MosL marrled men readlly confess Lo
havlng Lhelr sexual advances Loward Lhelr wlfe halLed on more Lhan one occaslon.
ln
facL, mosL marrled men belleve LhaL women do noL wanL Lo have sex as much as we
do.
Cver Llme Lhe old rellable noL LonlghL, l have a headache" has morphed lnLo l'm Lo
o
Llred LonlghL," buL Lhe message Lo us ls Lhe same. 1hey don'L wanL Lo have sex
when we
do.
Maybe your wlfe has even accused you of belng lnsaLlable." And you're ama
zed
aL how long she can go wlLhouL ever even lnlLlaLlng sex wlLh you.
So, you are wonderlng, how can l be saylng Lhls ls a myLh? uon'L men, generally
speaklng, wanL more sex Lhan women do?
1hough lL may seem LhaL way for a varleLy of reasons, we are maklng a mlsLake
Lo assume LhaL [usL because lL so ofLen 1"")3 LhaL way LhaL lL ls Lrue. 1he fac
L ls our sex
drlves, for boLh men and women, fall along a conLlnuum LhaL looks llke a bell cu
rve, and
mosL wlves are rlghL ln Lhe mlddle, wanLlng Lo have sex wlLh Lhelr husbands [usL
as
much as Lhelr husbands wanL Lo have sex wlLh Lhem. Cf course, some women acLual
ly
have a sLronger llbldo Lhan Lhelr husband, buL Lhese marrlages are ln Lhe mlnorl
Ly.
So why all Lhe hullabaloo abouL llbldo mlsmaLch beLween men and women?
And, more lmporLanLly, how can correcLlng Lhls myLh lead Lo beLLer - and more
frequenL - sex ln your own marrlage?
l'll begln wlLh a brlef lesson on Lhe female llbldo. Make no mlsLake, lL ls mor
e
compllcaLed Lhan ours. 8uL lf we accuraLely undersLand lL, we'll noL only see L
haL lL's
unfalr Lo unequlvocally say LhaL women don'L wanL sex as much as we do, buL we'l
l also
know how Lo culLlvaLe lL more fully. l'll Lhen glve you several pracLlcal sugge
sLlons for
geLLlng your seemlngly dlsparaLe sex drlves lnLo Lhe same gear.
5"*' 5.)#6 5*6'
ln Lhe fllm ?##*" @2)), Woody Allen and ulane keaLon are shown spllL-screen as
each Lalks Lo an analysL abouL Lhelr sexual relaLlonshlp. When Lhe analysL asks
how
ofLen Lhey have sex, he answers, Pardly ever, maybe Lhree Llmes a week," whlle sh
e
descrlbes lL as consLanLly, Lhree Llmes a week."
Pow ls lL LhaL a husband and wlfe can vlew Lhe frequency of sex so dlfferenLly
?
1he answer ls found, ln greaL parL, by undersLandlng how a woman becomes sexuall
y
aroused and moLlvaLed. 1oo ofLen, men assume LhaL Lhe way our llbldo works ls (
or
should be) Lhe same way hers works. 8uL lL's noL LhaL slmple. ln facL, lL requ
lres a blL of
sLudy. Lvery woman ls a sclence," sald !ohn uonne. And lf you Lake a momenL Lo
sLudy
your wlfe, you wlll dlscover LhaL her llbldo, Lhough qulLe dlfferenL Lhan yours,
ls more
powerful Lhan you Lhlnk.
Pere are some of Lhe mosL lmporLanL polnLs ln undersLandlng your wlfe's llbldo
.
/&="# 9A-2(" B"C 4*(D 9=&(*) ?33-52#,"
Cne reason for Lhe percelved dlsLlncLlon ln male-female moLlvaLlons for sex ls
LhaL we are soclallzed ln dlfferenL ways abouL sexuallLy and marrlage. Men Lend
Lo see
sex as a pleasurable, physlcal acLlvlLy. ln facL, even lf you're feellng sLress
ed or ouL of
synch wlLh your wlfe you're unllkely Lo Lurn down sex wlLh her. noL so for women
. ?our
wlfe sees sex as a slgn of emoLlonal bondlng and confldence wlLh you. She needs
Lo feel
sure of your emoLlonal LogeLherness before she can free up her physlcal LogeLher
ness.
And lf she doesn'L feel close and connecLed wlLh you, you're chances for feellng
close
and connecLed" ln bed are mlnlscule.
1hese separaLe meanlngs LhaL Lhe Lwo genders ascrlbe Lo sex can become Lhe
source of a greaL deal of mlscommunlcaLlon and mlsundersLandlng ln marrlage.
Conslder Lhe followlng commenLs made by a wlfe and husband who sLep lnLo my
counsellng offlce afLer Lhree or four years of marrlage:
Wlfe - Pe keeps saylng he wanLs Lo make love, buL lL doesn'L feel llke love
Lo me. SomeLlmes l feel bad LhaL l feel LhaL way, buL l [usL can'L
help lL.
Pusband - l don'L undersLand. She says lL doesn'L feel llke love. WhaL does
LhaL mean, anyway? WhaL does she Lhlnk love ls? l wanL Lo have
sex wlLh her because l love her!
ln Lhls marrlage, as ln many oLhers, Lhe husband sees hlmself as showlng hls l
ove
Lo hls wlfe by engaglng her ln sexual acLlvlLy. 1he wlfe, on Lhe oLher hand, se
es sexual
acLlvlLy as someLhlng LhaL should evolve ouL of verbal expresslons of affecLlon
and love.
Llke a scene from a Woody Allen movle LhaL cuLs Loo close Lo home, Lhls couple b
lckers
conLlnually abouL how frequenLly Lhey have sex - never knowlng LhaL Lhelr soclal
lzaLlon
ls conLrlbuLlng Lo Lhelr percelved dlfference ln sexual moLlvaLlon.
/&="# /*(DD&)% B"C /D"# E"")*#6 @-5(
LeL's say your wlfe spoke harshly Lo you because you lefL your dlrLy socks on Lh
e
floor. ?ou felL she overreacLed. ?ou're perLurbed. Maybe even angry. A few m
lnuLes
pass and she walks lnLo your den wearlng noLhlng buL a sLrlng of pearls around h
er neck
and hlgh heeled shoes. now Lell me, are you golng Lo punlsh her by wlLhholdlng
sex
because she hollered aL you [usL mlnuLes earller abouL your dlrLy socks?
l don'L even need Lo hear your answer.
8uL you probably need Lo hear your wlfe's answer when Lhe roles are reversed.
Why? 8ecause unresolved emoLlonal lssues, even llLLle ones, are aL Lhe rooL of
some
low llbldos for women. 8esenLmenL, unexpressed anger, and hurL feellngs can lead
some women Lo wlLhhold sex. Maybe she's Loo upseL wlLh you Lo leL you Louch her.
Maybe she's hoplng LhaL re[ecLlng you sexually wlll send a message LhaL she elLh
er can'L
brlng herself Lo say or can'L seem Lo geL across no maLLer how ofLen she says lL
. Maybe
she's slmply punlshlng you. ls lL rlghL? nope. ls lL falr? no way. ls lL hea
lLhy? Cf course
noL. 8uL lL's a common occurrence and lL rarely reglsLers wlLh men.
Say, for example, she feels Laken for granLed because you don'L help around Lhe
house as much as she'd llke. She Lhlnks lf he lsn'L dolng someLhlng for me, why s
hould l
have sex wlLh hlm?" now, of course you'd probably never dream of deprlvlng your
self
of sex ln order Lo punlsh your wlfe, buL women are wlred dlfferenLly. She can p
uL her
llbldo on hold unLll she regalns Lhe emoLlonal assurance" LhaL Lells her you're o
n her
Leam.
/&="# ?5" !&5" F@&5=)G (D2# !"#
When you're feellng frlsky and your wlfe has a headache," she may acLually
have a headache! Chances are lL has noLhlng Lo do wlLh your sexual deslrablllLy
Lo her.
And lf you're hearlng l'm noL ln Lhe mood" when you wanL Lo hear meeL me ln Lhe
bedroom" whlspers from your wlfe, lL may be because her mood ls belng deLermlned
by
her hormones. Agaln, lL's llkely Lo have noLhlng Lo do wlLh your sexual aLLracL
lveness.
8lologlcal changes are far more llkely Lo sap her llbldo Lhan Lhey are Lo sap yo
urs. When
was Lhe lasL Llme you weren'L ln Lhe mood"? ls your memory falllng you on Lhls o
ne? lf
so, LhaL's because, lf you're llke mosL men, you can generally geL ln Lhe mood a
L Lhe
drop of a haL (or any oLher arLlcle of cloLhlng). ?ou're Lyplcally noL baLLllng
a surge of
hormones LhaL cause you Lo quesLlon your body lmage or your wlfe's accepLance of
you.
And, leL's be honesL, we don'L have Lo deal wlLh LhaL Llme of Lhe monLh," and all
Lhe hormonal mood swlngs LhaL can come wlLh lL. noL Lo menLlon Lhe physlcal
cramplng. When she Lurns you down because she's Loo Llred," lL's mosL llkely Lru
e.
CeLLlng some shuL-eye can sound a whole loL beLLer Lhan geLLlng some acLlon when
your hormones are golng berserk. now, you and l, as men, Lhlnk Well, you'd drlfL
off Lo
sleep a loL easler lf you flrsL had a feel-good orgasm." 1haL's Lrue, for men.
8uL Lhen (as
we'll see more fully ln anoLher chapLer) sex doesn'L begln wlLh geLLlng naked fo
r a
woman. lL Lakes more Llme and work Lhan LhaL.
We are so prone Lo aLLrlbuLe her lack of deslre" Lo be an overarchlng condlLlon
LhaL pervades Lhe enLlre relaLlonshlp when Lhe LruLh ls LhaL she can be very moL
lvaLed
sexually - when her hormones aren'L Laklng her on an emoLlonal roller coasLer rl
de.
Pere's Lhe polnL: lor a woman, hormones can mean she feels llke havlng loLs of s
ex aL a
parLlcular Llme, raLher Lhan sex all of Lhe Llme.
And Lo avold Lhe quesLlons l'm llkely Lo geL on my webslLe, leL me Lell you exac
Lly
when LhaL parLlcular Llme" ls. lL has Lo do wlLh a neurochemlcal called CxyLocl
n, ofLen
referred Lo as Lhe bondlng hormone. lL splkes rlghL before ovulaLlon, a Llme wh
en mosL
women are ln Lhe mood. And here's some really good news. Accordlng Lo uanlel C
.
Amen, Mu, a psychlaLrlsL, braln lmaglng speclallsL, and auLhor of B"C &# (D" 852
*#,
oxyLocln also helps dull your wlfe's memory of your annoylng LralLs (llke your d
lrLy socks
on Lhe floor). ln oLher words, Lhls ls also when she ls llkely Lo feel mosL aLL
racLed Lo you.
? /&=2#H3 B"C I5*:" J2# 8" !&5" 923*)0 I*3(52,("%
Ckay. So you've glven your wlfe Lhe look." lL says, LeL's go!" ?ou're ready L
o
rumble. She geLs Lhe message buL says, l'll come Lo bed rlghL afLer l fold Lhls
laundry"
. or make Lhe klds' lunch for Lomorrow" . or Lake ouL Lhe recycllng." l know. l
undersLand. ?ou can'L lmaglne dolng any of Lhose Lhlngs yourself lf your wlfe w
ere Lo
glve you Lhe look." ?ou're ready Lo go. now. So why lsn'L she? 1he reason ls
noL LhaL
men wanL sex more Lhan women, lL's LhaL men are ofLen able Lo geL aroused more
qulckly and sexually ready Lhan women. 1hls ls crlLlcally lmporLanL Lo undersLa
nd. l'm
noL only Lalklng abouL foreplay once you are beLween Lhe sheeLs. 1haL's a glven
. l'm
Lalklng abouL lnlLlaLlng sex, belng ready Lo even enLer Lhe bedroom wlLh sex on
your
mlnd.
Allow me Lo relLeraLe: women, unllke men, do noL separaLe sex from Lhe
you're
ready Lo equal Lhe scales of sexual deslre, you've goL Lo geL over Lhls common m
ale
myLh by seelng her ln a new llghL. Cne of Lhe besL ways Lo do Lhls ls by puLLln
g an end
Lo snlde commenLs or lnnuendos LhaL hlghllghL a percelved llbldo dlfference. Lv
ery Llme
you say someLhlng, even under your breaLh, llke, well lf we ever had sex .," you'
re
drlvlng a sexual wedge beLween you. 8y Lhe way, Lhls means noL only forgolng Lh
ese
commenLs wlLh her, buL when you're ouL wlLh Lhe boys as well. SeL your mlnd Lo
seelng
your wlfe on Lhe same slde wlLh you. She wanLs Lo have a greaL sex llfe as much
as you
do. And lf you don'L belleve me, [usL ask her.
Discuss Your Sex Drives
When was Lhe lasL Llme you Lalked wlLh your wlfe abouL her sex drlve? lL's noL
a
common conversaLlon for mosL couples. ?eL lL's crlLlcally lmporLanL for geLLlng
your
llbldos Lo llne up. When Lhe Llme ls rlghL, when boLh of you are relaLlvely rel
axed and
noL dlsLracLed, ask her when she feels mosL frlsky? Per answer may surprlse you
. l have
a frlend who Lold me he recenLly dlscovered LhaL hls wlfe found hlm mosL sexy wh
en he
wore a sulL. Pe [oked abouL wearlng lL Lo bed. 1he polnL ls LhaL you need Lo k
now as
much as you can abouL her sexual deslres. Ask her abouL Lhe Llme of day, as wel
l as Lhe
Llme of monLh, she ls mosL lncllned Lo wanL Lo have sex. Ask her whaL would mak
e lL
easler or more fun for her.
!2+" K#*(*2(* 923*"5
Cne of Lhe Lhlngs l hear from women who are ln couple's counsellng for Lhls
lssue ls LhaL Lhey don'L llke Lo be Lhe one lnlLlaLlng sex. Some women are slmp
ly
uncomforLable wlLh saylng, Would you llke Lo make love?" lf you're marrled Lo a
woman llke Lhls, you've no doubL aLLrlbuLed her shyness ln Lhls area Lo a lack o
f llbldo.
8uL LhaL's a mlsLake. lnsLead, make lL easler for her Lo lnlLlaLe sex wlLh you.
llnd a slgn
or a slgnal LhaL wlll make Lhls almosL efforLless for her. lor example, lL may
be LhaL
Lhere's a candle she could llghL, or a parLlcular song she could play, or a look
she could
glve LhaL would be her slgnal LhaL she'd llke Lo have sex. ?ou geL Lhe ldea. S
o don'L
wasLe Llme. 1alk Lo her abouL whaL could be used Lo make Lhe her lnlLlaLlons ea
sler.
L2+" M&-5 L*="
LeL's say LhaL Lo really en[oy sex you'd need Lo be ln a parLlcular mood. ?ou
'd
need Lo feel compleLely safe and undersLood by your wlfe - and Lhls would need L
o
begln long before you even LhoughL abouL [umplng lnLo bed. Ch, and Lo become
sexually aroused you'd need some warm up Llme LhaL mlghL begln wlLh several mlnu
Les
of genLle caresslng lnLerspersed wlLh plllow Lalk. 1he llghLs would need Lo be
low, you'd
need Lo conslder whaL you're wearlng, and you'd need some Llme Lo brush your Lee
Lh
and prepare yourself physlcally.
Pard Lo lmaglne, rlghL? 8uL l'm sure you're geLLlng Lhe polnL. lf you wanL you
r
wlfe Lo be more forLhcomlng wlLh her sexual deslres, you've goL Lo do your parL
ln
helplng her love your love maklng sesslons. A llLLle empaLhy can go a long way
ln
geLLlng you Lo slow lL down a blL and seL Lhe sLage for passlonaLe sex LhaL make
s her feel
greaL.
7"%-," I*3(52,(*
Cne of Lhe blggesL reasons LhaL Lhls myLh of unequal llbldos perslsLs ls becau
se
men rarely glve conslderaLlon Lo whaL ls dlsLracLlng women from sex. AfLer all,
mosL of
Lhe Llme, lL Lakes a loL Lo dlsLracL us from Lhe efforL! 1haL's why we need Lo
Lake speclal
care ln dolng whaLever we can Lo keep dlsLracLlons for her Lo a mlnlmum. ?ou pr
obably
already know whaL Lhey are, buL lf noL, ask your wlfe Lo Lell you.
lf you have chlldren, LhaL's lnevlLably golng Lo Lop Lhe llsL. So wlll any emoL
lonal
or conversaLlonal loose ends beLween her and you or anyone else. She may be
dlsLracLed by Lomorrow's busy schedule, an upcomlng dlnner parLy, a docLor's
appolnLmenL, an unpald blll. ?ou name lL. So lf you wanL her llbldo Lo be rarl
ng Lo go
LonlghL, flrsL flnd ouL whaL mlghL be geLLlng ln lLs way and do whaL you can Lo
remove lL.
8uL please don'L do Lhe Lyplcal macho move of flxlng" her problem so you can have
sex.
1haL ls sure Lo backflre.
ay aLLenLlon Lo whaL dampens her sexual deslres by llsLenlng paLlenLly. 8lLe
your Longue lf you're abouL Lo spouL off a qulck soluLlon. Make sure she feels
undersLood. 1haL's all. ?ou'll be amazed aL how much your dolng noLhlng" can
lncrease her llbldo.
L&-,D @"5 E"")*#63 8"1&5" M&- L&-,D @"5 8&%0
lf you wanL Lo rev up your wlfe's sexual moLor, you'll need a hearL-felL message
Lo Lurn on her lgnlLlon. She's hardwlred Lo become sexually moLlvaLed when you
romance her, when you whlsper Lhose proverblal sweeL noLhlngs" ln her ear. lL do
esn'L
Lake much. ?ou don'L need Lo compose a poem. ?ou slmply need Lo leL her know h
ow
much she means Lo you. AnyLhlng endearlng wlll do. ?ou can say Lhlngs llke, ?ou
mean
so much Lo me," or ?ou're Lhe besL parL of my day." Cf course, you have Lo be ge
nulne
when you say Lhese Lhlngs. lf you're [usL maklng a move," forgeL lL. She'll r
ead rlghL
Lhrough you . Lvery woman knows Lhe dlfference beLween manlpulaLlve come-ons a
nd
hearL-felL sweeL noLhlngs.
C.0 D#E&#?'(.6
WhaL psychologlcal beneflLs do we galn by bellevlng LhaL we wanL sex more Lhan
women? Why do we propel Lhls myLh?
1he nexL Llme you hear a frlend purporLlng LhaL women don'L wanL sex as much
as men, are you llkely Lo correcL hlm? lf so, how? lf noL, why?
lrom Lhe suggesLlons glven ln Lhls chapLer, whlch one do you flnd mosL meanlngfu
l and
why? ln oLher words, whlch one are you mosL llkely Lo puL lnLo pracLlces flrsL?
l
"SLandard uevlaLlon," Lverybody Loves 8aymond (Season 1, ulsc 1).
ll
AnlLa P. ClayLon (2003). Women's menLal healLh. sychlaLrlc Cllnlcs of norLh Ame
rlca, 26 (3), 132-148.
lll
!. 8rlnes (1994). Lconomlc dependency, gender and Lhe dlvlslon of labor aL home
. 1he
Amerlcan !ournal of Soclology, 199 (3), pp. 632-688.
lv
See also, u. M. 8uss and 1. k. Shackelford (2001). A half cenLryk fo maLe prefe
rences: Lhe CulLural
evoluLlon of values. !ournal of Marrlage and lamlly, 63 (2), 491-303.